Sei sulla pagina 1di 65

Copyright 2012

Acknowledgements
There are numerous people without whom this book would not be possible. Instead of beginning with a detailed description of my caring parents and continuing on in excess, here they are in neat groups. Inspiration Thanks to Kyle Forrester and Howard Hsu, for publicly committing me to write this book before I could stop them. Mentors Eternal gratitude for three particular mentors: Houston Spencer, Mitchell Wade, and Scott Sherman, for imparting their knowledge and paving the way. Text Editor Adam Smiley Poswolsky Layout Editor Kate Larson Cover Designer Jon Key Agents Ann Chao Anthony Thomas Catherine Fryszczyn Danielle Strachman Denise Duquette Eden Full Eugenia Lee Hetali Lodaya Katharine Bierce Katie Broadbent Kevin Miller Molly Ganley Pei-Ru Ko Raghav Datta Rebecca Offensend Shaheen Mamawala Shalini Chudasama Srikanth CS Taylor Jo Isenberg Victor Vulovic Vanessa Mason Varvn Aryacetas Yee Chen Chapter Reviewers

Dana Lin Eugenia Lee JS Woodward Rebecca Offensend Shaheen Mamawala Shira Abramowitz Theresa Leigh-Nguyen Titiaan Palazzi Dedication To my best friend, with the heart of a lion.

Table of Contents
Chapter 1: Welcome to The Connection Agency
Your First Assignment

6
13

Chapter 2: How > What 


Assignment: Just Listen Assignment: Drive the Conversation Assignment: Meet Someone New  Assignment: Empathy Assignment: Mingling

14
17 19 20 22 24

Chapter 3: Vulnerability 
Assignment: Descending Questions Assignment: Confessions Assignment: Jump in a Lake

25
28 29 31

Chapter 4: Us & Them


Assignment: Compliments Assignment: Wallflower

32
34 36

Chapter 5: Building
Assignment: Build Something

39
41

Chapter 6: Context
Assignment: Choose Your Setting Assignment: Dare To Be Different

44
46 48

Assignment: Invitation

53

Chapter 7: Conclusion About the Author

57 62

Footnotes63 Extra Resources 65

Chapter 1: Welcome to The Connection Agency


Have you ever moved to a new place, expecting to make fast friends with a group of interesting people there? Surely the quirky barista with purple hair who serves up your morning coffee will quickly share your inside jokes. Your co-workers will become mentors as you swap war stories over lunch. You might even meet someone at a party and fall hopelessly in love. As you unpack your bags, you envision life as a series of Friends episodes. Through thick and thin, youll have a group of colleagues, neighbors, and close friends to look after you... Right? If youve ever made the move to a new place, you know that this vision is a far cry from reality. Instead of serendipitous meetings at the local coffee house, we go about our lives without attending a social event for days, even weeks, at a time. Many of our close friends live in far away cities, and we see them only on rare occasions. Those who do live nearby have their own schedules and we have ours so finding the time to meet becomes a hassle. Instead of a comforting social life, we go home to solitary dinners and cable TV. How did this happen? The Gross Misconception Before we find out, we need to clear up a gross misconception. Our generation has been led to believe that friendships happen with the right people. That time we met our best friend while sitting next to her in a college lecture hall, we think, What luck! What are the chances that I was sitting next to this special person?! You were lucky, but not because you met the only special person in the lecture hall. In fact, youve likely fallen prey to a sampling bias. A sampling bias happens when some members of a group are more likely to be included in a sample than others. In this case, you were more likely to meet your best friend in the first place because she was sitting next to you. Think about it: Did you walk around to all other 120 students in the lecture and try to get to know them? Probably not. Instead, there is a natural bias. You met only the few people who sat nearby, and it turned out that one of them is now your closest friend. Now imagine that you had chosen a different seat. Would you have talked to your best friend at all? Maybe you would have said hello to someone else - someone with an equally likely chance of becoming your best friend - and maybe you would have formed a lifelong bond with him. This is sampling bias, and it says that meeting your best friend in the lecture hall happened by chance, not luck. However, your lecture hall experience was lucky for a completely different reason: The scenario you walked into was primed for connection. In this case, the right scenario could have included everything from the topic of the lecture to the fact that you forgot a pencil. The scenario includes all of the factors that made it easy for you to lean over and make that first comment, I really like your red Chucks, to your new friend. Attending class was a lucky situation. Nature vs. Nurture Psychologists look at this same puzzle through another lens. Which has a greater effect on our behavior: Nature or nurture? Do people behave according to their personalities something innate and unchangeable? Or based on the situation that theyre in? This is another way of asking: Were you and your best friend destined to become close because you have complementary personalities? Or would you have bonded with anyone inside of a three-foot radius?

The answer, of course, is somewhere in between. Sometimes we can see that different people have varying reactions to the same situation. However, this happens less often than you might think. In fact, psychologists were able to do a study to measure how much personality affects our behavior. In a series of studies done by Walter Mischel, the average correlation between behavior and personality ranged from 30-40%. Those numbers point to a conclusion that the situation guides our behaviors most of the time approximately 60%i in fact. Even more interesting than the idea that situation can influence our behavior so significantly is that most people are clueless about the breakdown between the effects that situation and personality have on our actions. We, as human observers, see other people acting grumpy or bouncy or dense, and interpret these characteristics as part of someones personality. Its called the fundamental attribution error. Thats right we see someone rush down the street and our brains are automatically primed to think, What an aggressive person! The truth is that context matters more than we give it credit for. Behavior is mostly decided by the situation that youre in. Think about your own life; have you ever rushed down the street? Why? Perhaps you were late, or maybe you had too much coffee. This situation could be true for anyone, but our brains arent made to recognize the effect that a situation can have on other peoples actions. Back to our story in the lecture hall: There were over a hundred people in there, and probably a few who you didnt like. Was one of them having a bad day? Was another dealing with the death in the family? Well probably never know the details of their situations. Does this mean that those classmates are bad people, unworthy of your friendship? Not at all. It simply means that something about the situation wasnt ripe for connection. The Good News If you buy into this theory, theres some good news: Potential connections are everywhere. There may have been multiple students in that lecture hall who could have become your close friends. Your next great boyfriend or girlfriend could be riding the subway to work, sitting right next to you. The world is full of possibility. However, this isnt one of those inane networking books that advise you to exhaust yourself by meeting every person who crosses your path. Please do not stay in touch though a thousand pointless emails, or worse, Facebook posts. Strong connections are made in the right situations. You should become selective, choosing situations that facilitate the best connections. Sometimes simply placing yourself in a situation that is ripe for connection is enough to set the conversation off on an interesting track. There are also some situations that do not facilitate strong relationships. Theres no need to exhaust yourself attending every outing and party. Leave your FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) at the door being selective includes happily skipping certain events that wont bring you closer to your compatriots. In fact, becoming a pro connector means that youll become so skilled at building relationships during social events that you wont need to attend as many of them. In cutting back on the volume of social events, youll actually feel more fulfilled, while gaining extra time to spend on other pursuits. While sometimes simply choosing the right context is enough to build a strong relationship, other times connecting will take a little effort. Heres another bit of good news: You have more control over the connection situation than you may realize.

You are an active participant in any interaction, and you have the ability to direct it as you please. Use this opportunity wisely by making thoughtful choices about where you invite a friend for coffee or how you direct the conversation of a group. There are a thousand small actions that together determine whether a social event is successful in building strong relationships, or just a mildly entertaining way to spend your afternoon. You only have a limited amount of time to spend in the company of friends and family make it count. This book is about setting up scenarios that are primed for authentic connections, throughout your life at work, at play, and in love. Authentic Conversations In an authentic conversation, you act like yourself. You dont have to try too hard, and you dont have to fake it. Authentic conversations are important because they lead to fulfilling relationships. The friends that you make through authentic conversations understand the real you. They will be the first people you call when you get a promotion or when your partner breaks up with you. You will be there for each other. Heres a little more basic psychology before we get to the juicy stuff: Relationships are the root of happiness. Lots of scientists have been studying happiness lately it is humanitys common objective, after all and the experts are, for once, in agreement. It turns out one of the biggest factors that determine our happiness is the quantity and quality of our relationships with othersii. Church Friends Need a little more convincing? One of the examples cited in the illuminating book The Happiness Hypothesis, is that of church friends. If you take a look at folks who attend church (or synagogue, or mosque, or temple, or whatever) regularly and compare them to those who dont, guess what? The folks who go to religious services regularly have lower blood pressure, live longer, and report being happier. Is God intervening on their behalf? Sadly, no. People who pray regularly in their own homes dont reap the same benefits. Those healthy people who attend religious services regularly belong to a community. The community inside of a place of worship creates deep social ties that enrich the wellbeing of its members. Why are churches special? Why dont we see the same phenomenon with soccer teams or high schools? Here are a few ideas on why church friends create a thriving community: Universal acceptance: Churches dont make a habit of kicking people out. It wouldnt be particularly godly to excommunicate someone for wearing the wrong brand of jeans members have to do something really awful to be ejected from the community. Long-term: Churches dont have an end date. Consider the paradox here: By being grandfathered into a specific community, people actually treat each other better. Perhaps the people inside of a church act with the expectation that theyre tied together for an indefinitely long time, and therefore treat each other with increased respect. Community Building: The attitude of people inside of a church is that they are building the community is striving toward a shared goal. People tend to bond best while acting on the mutual interest to do something constructive. Church communities arent exclusive to religion. The combination of acceptance, a long-term perspective, and community building could be put to use by anyone who is interested in fostering authentic relationships. Everyone deserves to have church-type friends, regardless of their religious views. There are several places where

you might find some of your own (luckily, church-type friends hang out in clusters!). Depending on your interests, this could be a career industry group, a hobby club, a sports team, or even your college alumni group. If a community of people that you belong to does not exist, build your own. It might mean investing some time and effort, but hey, your happiness depends on it. My Goal Connection in this book at least is not some Silicon Valley euphemism for networking. Im serious. Connecting means an interaction with another human being that leaves you brimming with joy. Think back to your best nights at college, the ones where you nearly fell off the twin bed in your dorm room, talking with a friend about the incredible possibilities that life had to offer. Remember the freedom of the best vacation you ever took. Or the pure exhilaration the first time you fell in love. This book hopes to bring that lighter-than-air feeling of deep connection from a once in a lifetime sensation, to a once a month recurrence. If you become a pro connector, it could even happen once a week, or its possible once a day. This book is about becoming close friends with people who you admire. It is about making your regular hangouts meaningful. It contains everything you need to turn your life into your own version of the Friends episode where Ross tries to bribe Ugly Naked Guy in order to move in to his apartment, and everyone finds out about Monica and Chandler. With or without Ugly Naked Guy, you can use the tactics in this book to enrich your life with fantastic connections. Youre Joking, Right? Nope. But first, a thought experiment: Lets look at the opposite of authentic connection. If youve ever been to a networking event, theres no doubt that you can recall an example. You make eye contact with someone, and before youve even released the handshake, she rushes through a pitch on her recent work with a tech start-up in the Bay Area and how you can help. She finally asks the dreaded question, So, what do you do? and then proceeds to undress the rest of the room with her eyes. This interaction usually ends with, Lets exchange business cards! Are you shuddering yet? Now imagine if someone interesting and authentic joined the fray. Its a rare thing. She would look you in the eye, ask interesting questions, and really listen to the answes. Shed likely be the most popular person at the event. Authenticity, Again Authenticity is important, because theres really no other way to build solid connections. The tactics in this book wont attempt to change your personality thats tricky, and I dont want your therapy bills. In the end, the people youre connecting with will have relationships with you. If they are strong relationships, these people will see you again and again, at restaurants and baseball games, and in your home. These are the people who will meet up to celebrate your victories, and who will be first to console you in times of defeat. Acting like anything besides your authentic self would just be a setup for a bad sitcom.

Besides, authenticity builds a connection faster than anything else. Being your authentic self involves two key steps. First, you have to know who you are. Second, youll need the confidence to show it. The assignments in the chapters that follow offer help with both of these steps, but if youre looking for a turbo-boost, check out the bonus materials at the end of the book for more recommendations. Who Are You Trying To Connect With? Read on for tactics for building connections in nearly any type of relationship; colleagues, parents, partners, friends, neighbors the list goes on. There are two main goals to keep in mind when connecting. The first is to meet new people. We could all use a few more stellar people in our lives. This might involve approaching strangers to say hello, or going from that initial handshake to an actual hangout (in real life, not on Google). The second involves digging deeper to get to know the true nature of the people that you already spend time with. Youll delve into sensitive issues such as family life or personal hardships. Even gasp! failures. Its easy to share successes and put up a shield of positivity with just about anyone, but the deepest connections come from sharing challenging moments and overcoming them with someone else. More on that later. Lets simplify these two key goals as breadth and depth. Most of the following tactics will be relevant to both categories. Youll decide how to adapt and apply them to your particular situation. A few illustrative examples: The move. Arrived in a new city, and dont know many people? Well get you set up to meet awesome people everywhere you go. Close friends. Many of us are concerned about close friends with whom we have lost touch. Well walk through that tough decision of whether you actually want to keep in touch, and how to strengthen the connection when you do. Parents. Oh yeah, your parents. This is an especially tricky one, because youre stuck with them for life (but if you remember the church friends example, maybe thats a good thing!). Well talk about how to take the long-term view of relationships, and what to do when parents just dont understand. Dating. The connection tactics in this book arent specifically about dating or romantic relationships, but they could be. In fact, a few of the tactics are borrowed from pick-up artists. Most of the strategies and stories assume that youll be picking up new friends, but authentic connections can lead to serendipitous things, so keep your eyes open Each of us has many different types of relationships in our lives. The tactics in this book can be applied to all of them. Ive seen them used at coffee shops and on dance floors, not to mention at high-level business meetings. Wait, Who The Heck Are You? Hi, Im Sarah. I grew up in a nice suburb in upstate New York, and went to a nice college. I made friends, graduated, and got a job. I was terribly lonely. Many of my friends from college started careers that took them to Madrid, New York, Beijing, and Micronesia. When I looked around, very few close friends were left. Long days at the office were followed by single-serving dinners and a Netflix addiction. By pure chance, in 2008 I joined a Fellowship program for social entrepreneurs. The experience changed the

course of my life. On arriving at the first training I found a deep admiration and respect for nearly everyone I met. We connected instantly. While we listened to a sizable number of lectures over the five-day training, the authentic relationships that I formed with other Fellows were even more valuables. Our class bonded with a level of intimacy that I had barely reached with my closest college friends over the course of four long years together. And I had spent less than five days with these people! Many of them are still my closest friends and advisors. When I returned to work, a situation that had been uncomfortable now seemed dire. Knowing that great friendships were possible, the absence of authentic connection in my daily life became unbearable. After a few months, I made a decision. If I wanted to see what the connection was all about, it was time to go straight to the source. I quit my job and went to work for the Fellowship program. I joined StartingBloc, the organization that hosts the Fellowship program, and spent nearly three years learning how people form life-long bonds. I designed and implemented training programs for 100 people at a time. At each one, I engineered every detail so that participants would find their business partners, roommates, and best friends within the group. It worked. At the end of each training, I empathized with the incoming class of 100 talented young professionals as they prepared to go back to their normal lives. Many of them approached me with questions about the program, fervently wishing to take the connection magic with them. I promised that it was possible, and proceeded to offer enough suggestions to fill a book. This is the book. The Agents The concepts contained in here are tried and tested. Reading through publications and scholarly journals was a good start. But it was not enough I wanted to know what people should do to form conenctions in everyday life. So I recruited a team of undercover connection agents. Connection agents are volunteers who have tested these connection tactics on their own friends and family. There are over 50 agents. They live in several different countries, and all over the U.S. Some live in Americas largest cities, others live in small towns and suburbs. They are men and women, and range in age from 19 to 37 years old. Some are single, others are married, and several have a permanent its complicated on their Facebook profiles. As a team, the agents have conducted a series of social experiments in connection. When the agents are on assignment, we call the folks they are connecting with targets. When agents write in about their experiences, the stories are called field notes. You are about to join the ranks and become an agent by conducting your own social experiments, so well use the same language in this book. Successful experiments conducted by the agents have laid the foundation for the content of each chapter and assignment in this book. If youre intrigued by the agents, The Connection Agency website has details on their stories and some entertaining behind-the-scenes field notes. How This Book is Organized This is a collection of tactics for connecting with (almost) anyone. Each chapter offers an overarching strategy for connection. The chapters will share some science on why these strategies work, and relevant examples that you can deploy. Once youre comfortable with the strategies outlined in each chapter, theyll become a framework that you can customize to fit your own style.

Each chapter also contains a collection of assignments. They are arranged in escalating order of difficulty the easy ones are at the beginning of the book and the more complicated ones are toward the end. As you go through the assignments, youll be able to draw on the skills that youve learned from early assignments to better complete the ones in later chapters. Do these assignments. No, seriously. Youre not going to improve your connection habits by sitting here and reading about them. The only way to forge deep bonds is to go out there and try new ways of interacting with people. Your Commitment How badly do you want those great connections? If youre truly ready to establish closer bonds with your parents and to spend time with five new best friends, its going to take a little work. Be proactive. The suggestions and assignments require you to get out there and try to connect. Sometimes youll be asked to meet new people, and other times youll be instructed to act a little weird. None of it will kill you, I promise. Trust me on this one: Thinking about connection is not going to make you a great connector, but trying to connect pushing the envelope and watching peoples reactions will. You must be willing to take a small, relatively harmless risk, and try to connect. Speaking of risk, lets recognize that youre going to fail occasionally. When you do, fail forward. Entrepreneurs call this iteration. You tried asking a new question and it didnt work. Kudos to you for trying. The big question is: Did you learn from the experience? Try again, and improve your approach each time.

Your First Assignment


Here is your first assignment. Its the only one that you can do alone. Take out a piece of paper and spend five minutes writing down all of the ways that youd like to better connect with the important people in your life. Do you want to master the art of introducing yourself? Convert acquaintances into close friends? Repair your relationship with a parent or loved one? Write them all down. Dont forget to include connections for both breadth and depth. Now sort through this list and pick three specific connections that are top priority. Put a star next to them on the paper. As we move through the chapters, these are the people who should be on the top of your mind when completing each assignment. Ready? Lets get started.

Chapter 2: How > What


Nearly anyone can go to a party, meet 20 different people, collect 20 different business cards, and follow up with 20 different people the very next day. This is a fairly straightforward task, and occasionally painful. However, most adults have been successful in completing it. Does going through these motions build strong relationships? Unlikely. Collecting business cards is not enough to guarantee authentic connections. How you conduct those party conversations and how you follow up the next day matters far more. How we do what we do is more important than the simple act of going through the motions. Dov Seidman, Founder and CEO of LRN, argues this point in his book, How. Seidman proposes excellent frameworks for managing the hows of business, and were going to apply similar tactics to connecting. When connecting with another person, what we do is less important than how we build the relationship. The concrete choices that we make when connecting whether to attend the punk concert or opt instead for dubstep, for example dont have a huge effect on the end result. Some friends might prefer one to the other, but in the end, you will send an invite and go to a concert with a friend. However, your enjoyment of the concert experience brings us into the realm of how. Did you personalize the email invitation? Did you make sure that everyone was asked to join pre-game drinks? These questions sound fuzzy, and their answers cant be measured in minutes or dollars. Only you, and the people who youre connecting with, will know the answers. Yet those answers will make the difference between an acquaintance and a close friend. In connection, what matters is how you go about it. Advocacy / Inquiry The Advocacy / Inquiry model is adored by consultants and life coaches alike it is one of the best tools for acting on how. Heres a fancy chart to show the full framework, but there is an underlying point that can be summed up in one simple word: listen.

iii

In contrast, lets look at the advocacy side of the model first. Most people who are trying to sell us something use advocacy. Take a typical car salesman, for example. As soon as you step on to the lot, Ralph has got you cornered. He will list off every feature of the station wagon that youre not at all interested in purchasing. Even when you do manage to say something, Ralph presses on with his pre-rehearsed speech. Its a pitch, designed to convey information to the other party. Has the pitch strategy ever convinced you to buy a product? Ralphs strong use of advocacy actually prevents him from forging a connection with potential clients. Because of that, its not particularly effective for making the sale. When people use advocacy to pitch themselves, the results can be equally dismal. Have you ever met the car salesmans alter ego at a party? Perhaps a bit younger and a tad more handsome, his conversation-starter was listing his own accomplishments. All of his stories seem to revolve around his latest publication, or the play-by-play of his most recent 5k race. The stories are designed to portray him in a positive light. However, the salesman act doesnt usually convince me. It probably doesnt convince you, either. When connecting with people, youre also trying to convince. Instead of selling a product, connecting is about convincing the other person that getting into a deep and meaningful conversation with you would be valuable. However, listening to a person expound on his own positive traits doesnt inspire belief. If a typical pitch doesnt work, what does?

Inquiry To The Rescue! Try inquiry. Use questions to guide your conversations, and you will make stronger connections on a regular basis. Successful inquiry involves two simple steps. Step 1: Ask a question. Many questions will come naturally, and in case youre stuck there are quite a few suggestions in this chapter, and the next. The real challenge to mastering inquiry is the second part, listening. Step 2: Shut up and listen. Listening means actively taking in information thats being shared. Seek to integrate that information into your responses. Be sure that youre actually listening, and not just waiting to speak. Be honest: How often do you mentally compose your next point while waiting for your conversation partner to finish his story? As soon as that happens, you begin to tune out all of the incoming information, and focus instead on what youd like to broadcast to the other person. We all slip occasionally into an advocacy mode: A strong impulse to share our own opinions takes over, and soon we find it impossible to recall what the other person has just said. As an experiment, try spending one day just recording how many times you stop listening. Carry around an index card or notebook and use it to keep a tally make one check mark for every time you find yourself composing your own thoughts before someone else has finished speaking. Even those of us who consider ourselves great listeners are actually just waiting to speak, and it happens far more often than we like to admit. Committing to listen doesnt necessarily mean that youll be thrilled to hear everything that your conversation partner says. People often share information that seems irrelevant. Others offer an opinion that you disagree with. Thats okay. With inquiry, you are committing to listen wholeheartedly without attempting to control the conversation. In fact, that commitment to listen regardless of what the other person shares is what makes inquiry such an effective tactic for connection. Effective Listening Even without the intent to sell something, many people have the natural inclination to respond to a comment with their own statement or opinion. If your friend mentions that hes in the market for a new shirt, the unchecked response might be, Oh you should try X store on Y street! People who act on the reflex to broadcast information genuinely believe that theyre being helpful. Instead, theyre missing the full depth of the conversation. In lieu of jumping to another statement, what if the listener asked a question? In this simple example, Whats the occasion for buying the shirt? Effective listening is even more crucial when the topic turns serious. Imagine rushing to offer advice on someones career, or relationship. Those situations carry emotional baggage (not to mention long-term consequences). Big issues will benefit the most from your new habit of listening intently and asking appropriate questions. Get prepared for those serious conversations by sharpening your listening skills, starting with day-to-day conversations. Practice effective listening on a wide variety of topics until its natural to ask more questions before jumping in with a statement of your own. Your friends will notice. People can sense when their conversation partners arent really listening. The (non)listeners eyes rove the room, or he interrupts, or his posture shifts. There are a thousand telltale signs that the human brain processes automatically, and sometimes subconsciously. Instead of guarding against each one, you can eliminate them all by keeping an authentic interest in listening. But what happens if your target does say something irrelevant, or worse, offensive? Your genuine interest could lie either in the topic or in the person telling the story. The latter is key for staying

focused while wading through uncomfortable topics. Inquiry is about trust. If you truly value the person youre speaking with, have faith that the information he is sharing is important to him. Even if he gets off-topic, keep listening. The story may add a new side to his personality that you havent yet seen. A Screening Mechanism This book is about connecting, but lets be honest: You might not want to connect in a deep and meaningful way with everyone. If you practice authentic listening with everyone you meet, youll never get past your morning coffee run. Making too many new friends can be exhausting. Luckily, inquiry is a fantastic screening mechanism. Say you meet a new person, and youre genuinely interested in learning about him. You use inquiry, and you listen. When after ten minutes he has managed to bash your favorite band, your morning jog, and your political affiliation he might not be the connection for you. It only took ten minutes to figure that out, instead of the hours that you may have otherwise spent answering surface-level questions about where youre from and what you do. Inquiry isnt just about checking off a handful of boxes, listing likes and dislikes. Instead, use the right questions to dig deeper. Its incredible how much people will reveal about their personalities if you listen intently for ten minutes.

Assignment: Just Listen


This assignment involves using inquiry to connect. Pick a person (target) who youd like to connect with on a deeper level, and just listen to him. Approach your target by asking an open-ended question. Practice awesome listening for at least 15 minutes. Tips for excellent listening: Turn off your phone before going into the conversation. Dont simply click over to vibrate you will be distracted by that incoming text message, even if your target doesnt notice the buzzing noise. Instead, set your phone to airplane mode. The rest of the world can wait. Sit or stand with your shoulders squared toward your target. This shows him that he has your undivided attention. If youre sitting, place your hands in your lap, palms up. Showing your palms sends a signal that youre eager to receive information. Your target will unconsciously interpret the posture as open and friendly. Make eye contact with your target until it becomes too intense. Most people will interpret strong eye contact to mean that youre listening intently. In many cultures, eye contact also conveys sincerity. If you need to glance away, look at a spot on the wall for a moment and then resume eye contact. Nod your head or lean forward to encourage your target to continue talking. Leaning in is another way of showing interest, plus it signals a connection by slightly reducing the space between you and your target. If the flow of the conversation slows, continue to ask questions related to your targets comments for a total of 15 minutes. Thats it. The objective is to show the other person that youre really listening. See if the conversation leads your target to share information that he normally wouldnt volunteer. The agents were successful in using this assignment to learn new things about their best friends, parents, and teachers. Read on for their notes on building stronger connections through listening.

Field Notes From Agent CS, Hyderabad: Last week I visited my high school teacher, Ramu Sharma. When I was at school she had a reputation for being incredibly strict; the students called her DamnU Sharma behind her back. Ramu recently retired, and my mother asked me to pay a visit to check on her. Her husband let me in, and Ramu was surprised to find me sitting in the living room (Ive been out of school for several years). At first she resisted my polite questions with replies of Im fine. Still, I stubbornly continued to listen and ask questions for 10 minutes, and she began to open up. The conversation transitioned from small talk to Ramus reputation as the strictest teacher in school. When I confessed the nickname, she burst into laughter. Then she explained why she had taken such a hard line with her students. Ramus son had attended the same school several years before I did. He was a troublemaker, always getting into mischief or bullying someone. Ramu wasnt particularly strict with her son, and he graduated without a job. After struggling for years, Ramus son eventually found a job and got married. Even then, his wife often criticized his lack of discipline and eventually filed for a divorce. With social pressure weighing heavy on his shoulders, he finally committed suicide. Ramu was shocked and heartbroken. She could no longer help her son, but she resolved to take a hard line with her students, in hopes that they would reap the benefits of discipline later in life. Listening to her story, I was shaken. I had known this woman for over 15 years and we had never shared anything this deep. The conversation pushed me to imagine what an immense impact such an incident can have on ones life and how personalities change as a result. My respect for Ramu grew immeasurably after I realized that all of her discipline came from love. Inquiry Plus There are times when youre not trying to convince someone to be your best friend. Still, inquiry can be an incredibly useful tool for gathering information. Heres a little secret: Inquiry is the best way to guide a conversation without openly hijacking it. This is especially helpful in professional contexts, where people are a bit more on their guard. Inquiry is a way to maneuver past those initial barriers erected in the name of professionalism, to discuss the topics that are important to you. Whether the setting is personal or professional or a mix of both using inquiry to guide the conversation works particularly well with people who are senior to you.

Assignment: Drive the Conversation


In this assignment, start a conversation with someone who is senior to you. It could be your boss, a mentor, or a professional contact. Bonus points for choosing someone youve admired from afar but have never met. Use inquiry to drive the conversation to suit your purpose. Ask your target about a time in his life that you find particularly fascinating, or request his thoughts on the latest industry trend. Listen to the answers. Bonus ideas: If youd like your boss to change the strategy for a particular project, approach him with questions about his needs and goals for the project. Email an industry leader that you admire, and ask for his thoughts on a specific topic. Make it clear that the topic is relevant to your work now, but dont go into detail about your project. Instead, keep the conversation focused on his experiences. Dont forget to thank your target for his time! If you use some of his advice, be sure to follow up to let him know how helpful the conversation was for you.

For Introverts If you belong to the rare breed that doesnt enjoy expressing their own point of view until they know someone well, congratulations! Inquiry should be easy for you. The challenge to extreme introverts may lie in approaching a new person (or someone who is their senior) in the first place. The approach takes just a little practice, and selecting the right question can help. Think carefully about a question or two that youd like to ask in advance. Well discuss questions further in the next chapter, but here are some guidelines to get started: Choose questions that nearly anyone has an answer to. When youre approaching people you dont know well, formats like, When was the last time you? or Whats your favorite? are best. Focus on a topic that your target is proud of or passionate about. Use your questions to address a personal opinion or observation (as opposed to a label, like job title). Choose a question that doesnt leave room to judge the answer. Make sure your questions arent insinuating a right answer. Think of a few questions and begin trying them on strangers. This may sound like an unusual place to start, but there is absolutely no risk to meeting someone new. If you mess up, just politely say thanks and walk away.

Assignment: Meet Someone New


In this assignment, youre going to be the saving grace of everyone you first meet. Lets start with a contrast: Imagine a typical get-to-know-you scenario. You meet someone and he kicks off the conversation with the, Where are you from? and What do you do? questions. Does that instill a determination to keep the conversation going? I can see your eyes rolling. You, on the other hand, will lead with a unique question. Nearly any other question will get some positive attention. Remember the guidelines for creating questions, and brainstorm a few of your own. Here are some examples to get you started: Whats your hobby what do you do for fun? Im new to the city and looking for a great restaurant. Whats your favorite? What would you put on the daily calendar of every person in the world, if you had the chance? From the Agents: When was the last time you picked something up while walking on the street? What was it, and why did it grab your attention? (Agent VXA) What was your favorite project youve ever worked on? (Agent AC) What would you say if you could speak to everybody on the planet for one minute? (Agent TP) Now, approach someone youve never met, and use a new question to kick off the conversation. (Note: The question doesnt have to be the first thing you say, but it should find its way into the first few minutes of the conversation.) If youre shuddering at the thought of going out to meet a stranger, ask a friend to introduce you to one of his friends and shape your questions around topics that you all have in common. The agents have used this assignment to make friends in ice cream shops, elevators, and yes bars. Field Notes From Agent VXA, Washington, DC: The Washingtonian introduction generally revolves around defining yourself through your job or by the power you wield. However, I have always suspected that most Washingtonians do this simply out of convention or unoriginality. I have long tried to inject some fun into introductions, so this assignment was familiar ground. I was in town for a Thursday happy hour where I only knew one dear friend. As I met the rest of the group, I decided to try a couple of questions to build rapport. I turned to the person to my right, Suiko, and first asked a couple of general questions to get acquainted. Then I dove in and asked her about the last time she stopped and picked something up on the street. What was

it and why did she stop? The conversation led to how she found a Lego Christmas tree on a street in Tokyo one winter. That was the catalyst to a chain of interesting conversations around our passion for well-designed toys, and also how to buy the best Christmas and birthday presents. We definitely forged a strong connection and she invited me for drinks on the following Saturday. One does not stop on a street to pick something up unless it really catches his or her eye. So the answer to this question generally reveals something peculiar and personal (i.e., bond-worthy). Why Does Inquiry Work? Inquiry is effective because its rare. Without realizing it, most people use advocacy to convince a conversation partner of their viewpoint by actively persuading him. Office presentations, telemarketers, and high school debates all fall into the advocacy category. By contrast, truly listening to someone shows respect. Look him in the eye, and youre showing an interest in his thoughts, feelings, and opinions. In switching to inquiry youve moved the focus from yourself to your target. It takes just a few seconds. Most people feel honored by this approach. Showing respect through listening prompts reciprocity your target will be more likely to listen carefully to what you have to say. In fact, people will respect your opinions more if you listen before delivering them. All of this mutual respect causes the speaker and listener to form a bond. Besides the psychology of creating a connection with your conversation partner, theres a practical side to listening. Think about it: When you use inquiry, you actually get more information than you otherwise would. If the information is high quality, it will help you to develop your friendship or grow your business or understand your family history. Finally, inquiry is an excellent way to steer a conversation toward topics that pique your interest. Compare this to advocacy: When you make a statement in a conversation, the other participants have the option of building on it, responding to it, or just ignoring it. On the other hand, nearly everyone will respond to a direct question. If youre eager to hear about the latest election or to listen to a story from your someones childhood, just ask! Empathy You may be thinking that this collection of inquiry tactics might be seen as manipulative. In some situations, they could be. Youll be using a few tactics to convince others to open up to you in ways that they wouldnt normally do. However, connecting is done best with sincere intentions. You must have a genuine interest in understanding the person youre attempting to connect with. In fact, the only way to be successful in connecting with others is to truly understand their point of view. One of the hows of connection is to use excessive empathy. Empathy isnt just about understanding the rational motivations of a person. Instead, think beyond economic terms like, He wants to go to this restaurant because its got better food. Empathy means digging deeper imagining yourself in the place of your target. Aim for the level of, He loves sushi because it reminds him of the three months that he lived in Japan. I wonder what that was like? Ill confess, empathy is extremely challenging to develop. One framework that helps is the Golden Rule: Treat others as you would like to be treated. Thats a nice start, but it doesnt prompt true empathy. Have you heard of the Platinum rule? Treat others as they would like to be treated.

The Platinum ruleiv is much better for connecting, because it forces you think outside of your own preferences and biases. Instead, you must adopt the preferences and biases of your target, getting inside his head. Its a tough challenge, but aim if you high youll keep improving.

Assignment: Empathy
Seek out someone who you normally disagree with, or expect to disagree with, on a specific issue. Spend 15 minutes asking him about his views. Here are a few conversation openers to get you started: When you talked about [statement] in that meeting, it brought up some points that Ive never considered. Im curious to know more about your thought process Id love to learn more about your ideas on [topic], do you have a few minutes to talk with me about it? I dont know much about [topic], could you tell me more about? The objective of this assignment is to jump start your empathy. Thats all. Use your best inquiry skills to make it happen. Not sure who to approach? Choose someone who wont be threatened by your questions. How about a parent? Or a boss? When hanging out with friends, wait for someone to express an opinion thats different than yours, and respond with a question. Bonus points for working this tactic when the whole group seems to agree, and yours is the dissenting opinion. This is a challenging assignment for anyone, but the agents stepped up to the plate. They listened to colleagues and bosses about sensitive strategy issues at work. They approached experts to learn about different professional opinions. And they asked teammates about their political views.

Field Notes From Agent Essy, Europe: I recently entered a team case competition through my university. After the team was assembled, I discovered that one teammate was not of the same side of the political spectrum as most people in my social circles. I asked my teammate to take me through the reasoning behind his political interests, including the most important issues for him. I learned that the primary motivator for my teammate was the economy. When it came to social issues he didnt feel strongly one way or the other. I continued to ask clarifying questions to learn about his opinions in more detail. The conversation taught me quite a bit about the economy, and at the end I thanked him for sharing the research hed done. It was a very positive interaction and Im glad to have taken the time for this conversation, otherwise I would have just written him off as someone I didnt want to talk to. Transparency Throughout the assignments in this book, youll be pushed to become more transparent in your conversations and actions. It will take a little practice. Common social settings call for filters; mental screening processes that censor

words before they can escape our mouths. Filters are great. They should be used with a great deal of empathy for the listener. Youll get wonderful connection results if you can frame the conversation to suit the interests and viewpoint of the person youre connecting with. However, filters should not hamper the flow of information. Be candid about how youre feeling, why you wanted to connect in the first place, and that fight that you started with your sister last week. Other than confidential work information or times when youve been sworn to secrecy, you should be prepared to (gently) reveal information to anyone who you are serious about connecting with. Information sharing shows both confidence in yourself, and trust in your target. If youre not comfortable sharing something, say so. But recognize that each time you stop the flow of information youre sending a signal to your target that you dont fully trust him. Alternately, if you can keep the information flowing, especially in a constructive way, youre bestowing trust on your target. Most people respond by working to earn that trust. Being transparent will take a little practice, and a step up in your vulnerability game. Its worth it; transparency is fundamental to building strong connections. Politely Disengaging Cocktail parties, conferences, group dinners. For most people, the greatest challenge in these settings isnt starting a conversation its finishing one. When there is no clear direction on what to say next, your conversation may come to a natural end. Or perhaps youve decided that the conversation is at an end, but your partner hasnt caught on yet. Either way, youre ready to move on but you dont want to rudely abandon your partner. Here are a few tactics for politely disengaging from the conversation: Be direct. Instead of sneaking away with the classic Um, excuse me, Im going to get another drink, thank your conversation partner warmly. Shake his hand and tell him how lovely it was to meet him. Reiterate your next steps that you intend to take to keep in touch Ill send you that article as soon as I get home. Then walk away. If you do need to interrupt the conversation for a specific reason, be explicit about it. Again, tell your partner that youre truly enjoying the conversation but you made a commitment to [something or someone else] and you must go fulfill it. If its appropriate, schedule some time to catch up with him in the future. Otherwise, politely excuse yourself. When youre ready for an advanced move, try introducing your partner to someone else. Remember, this only works if both people will sincerely value the connection; if you try to dump a conversation partner, both will notice. If you have someone in mind who is at the event, suggest that you two go and meet this new person immediately. Bring your conversation partner to find him, and make an introduction on the spot. Once theyre chatting, simply say, Ill let you two get to know each other, and excuse yourself. If you dont have someone specific in mind for the introduction, change your body language. Stand at a right angle to your partner in order to leave room in the invisible conversation circle for a new person to join you. Its like fishing for a new connection. A note to hosts: If your group is large enough that they wont all be in the same conversation at once (say, more than 6 people), you might consider creating natural times for your guests to switch conversation partners throughout the event. This is easy at conferences there are natural breaks but what if youre planning an afternoon meet-up or a dinner party?

Assignment: Mingling
The next time you host an event, start off with a series of questions and ask your guests to switch conversation partners each time they answer (see the Questions assignment for inspiration). The same tactic can be used effectively at dinner parties; ask a series of round table questions that everyone answers to the group. These can include questions like: If you had all the money you ever wanted, how would you spend your time? If you had to live in one house for the rest of your life, where would it be and what would it look like? What is your ideal pet? Sit back and allow the discussion to flow from their answers. A few of the agents host events regularly, making it their job to foster connections between everyone in the room. Read on to learn how to create genuine connections among the guests at a small gathering, without leaning on a typical icebreaker. Field Notes From Agent TP, Boston: This year, I have made it a point to organize dinners on a monthly basis. My invite list includes guests from different social circles, so they rarely know each other before the dinner starts. To make introductions fun, I use a simple game. After weve have had an initial conversation and an appetizer, Ill challenge my guests to find an object inside my apartment that represents a meaningful story in their lives. The search is timed; everyone has to identify an item in less than 100 seconds. The guests usually jump up and begin running around, trying to find interesting objects. Some return with broccoli, others with a piece of art, and every dinner, somebody chooses a bottle of wine. Then, in two minutes, every guest shares his story. The tales are often hilarious and they show the true character of the storyteller. Recap: How > What How you go about connecting with others is more important than what activity you choose to do together. Inquiry, empathy, and transparency are the fundamental skills that will drive your progress toward building more authentic connections. Each of these skills focuses on how we relate to others. When you meet someone new, act as if he is the most interesting person in the room and its your job to figure out why.

Chapter 3: Vulnerability
Your friend drags you to a fundraising event Cmon, its for a good cause! You pay $20 to get in, and now find yourself gazing awkwardly around the room, not recognizing anyone. While youre doing a quick calculation of how many more minutes are left to endure before you can find a plausible excuse to leave, the person standing next to you starts a conversation. We all know that the next several minutes will feature the requisite questions; Where are you from? and What do you do? Does this approach inspire you to eagerly dive back into the social milieu? In the best-case scenario, your conversation partner is from the same hometown and you two can chat about your football team for a few minutes. That thought probably doesnt turn you giddy with excitement over meeting someone new. Now, imagine the scenario starts with a different question. Any other question, really. Maybe your conversation partner opens with, Hey, have you ever wanted to try surfing? or perhaps, When was the last time you were completely captivated by a novel? Suddenly, the conversation becomes much more interesting. These questions are a vast improvement, but they still only skim the surface. Likes, dislikes, and interesting media are relatively easy to discuss with a stranger. They serve as the hook to get someone drawn into a conversation in the first place. But how do we translate this solid start into an actual friendship? A truly engaging conversation takes a little vulnerability. Engaging means youre not talking about sports, or the weather. When it comes to topics that truly draw people in, wins v. losses, and right v. wrong dont exist. Simple nods of agreement have no place in these conversations. Being vulnerable means having the courage to tackle the gray, complex areas, knowing you dont have all the answers. Is it worth it? The Good Stuff The purpose of the vulnerability exercises in this chapter are to launch into conversations about the good stuff. That includes talking with strangers about topics that you find genuinely interesting. Through vulnerability, you can stretch the limits of normal conversation. In doing so, youll learn a lot more about your family and friends, connecting with each of them on a deeper level. That sense of connection is what the scientists are talking about when they say that close relationships are the greatest determinant of happiness. Dont waste another minute of your life engaging in mundane chitchat. Its not worth it. Take a moment to imagine a world where you are never trapped in a boring conversation. You meet new people and within three minutes they are adding hilarious satire to your favorite political issue. Your parents share the juicy details of your family history, and explain how it has contributed to their life decisions. Your friends initiate conversations that make you want to stay up talking until 3am. In this world, every social interaction is deeply engaging. Why dont people naturally launch into interesting conversations on a regular basis? Its not too hard to ask for political opinions or for the rationale behind kickboxing. The answer: Theyre afraid. These conversations challenge us. They address our deepest hopes and our hidden fears. Its going to be uncomfortable when you discover that your best friends interpretation of Star Trek is fundamentally different from yours.

Take a deep breath, and call it a learning experience. Diving into these deeper conversations may feel awkward at first. Asking someone about the logic behind a major life decision can seem daring or intrusive. However, its worth the risk. The insights that your conversation partners reveal may prompt you to challenge or elaborate, and before you know it, youll be knee-deep in meaningful conversation. The kind of conversation that builds real connection. Fear and Conformity People, even you, naturally conform. According to Maslows hierarchy of needs, a feeling of belonging is an innate human needv. Darwin would agree: Thinking back to the biological roots of human society, conformity is a survival mechanism. In the days of hunter-gatherer tribes, people who were different spent more time away from the tribe and became targets for predators. Thats all great for family harmony in the Stone Age, but boring as hell in the 21st century. Lets take the concept of conformity, and use it to our advantage. When a person considers not conforming to a social standard, her brain immediately registers something that psychologists call cognitive dissonance. Dissonance just means that your actions arent matching a standard in this case, a social standard of behavior. People fear that acting in a way that is different from the norm might cause them to be ostracized, and as a result they naturally default to conformityvi. Ready to flip conformity on its head? Not only do you tend to conform to those around you, but other people naturally conform, too. Set the conversation off in a new direction, and use the natural human tendency toward conformity to convince others to follow your lead. In order to dare to be different, you must first conquer your own fear of standing out. Vulnerable conversations challenge the normal pattern of how we relate to others. When you start one, youre marking yourself as different. Youre agreeing to be singled out. This can be an uncomfortable position, and if youd like some practice Id recommend some reading from the links in the smash fear section at the end of the book. There are innumerable ways to mark yourself as different. Many people attempt to stand out by trying to look impressive. However, launching into a conversation while puffing out your chest and listing your accomplishments doesnt foster meaningful connection. Instead, the best way to conquer conformity is to show your authentic personality. Be a little vulnerable. Reveal something interesting about yourself, and listen for other people to do the same. Having great conversations means showing that youre different while admitting that you dont have all the answers. A Catch-22 Why are people drawn to vulnerability? Because being vulnerable shows inner confidence. Its a catch-22. When you admit a weakness, youre showing others that one particular weakness does not define you as a person. When you ask for help, youre demonstrating that youre working to improve. Youre confident in yourself and your own ability to overcome a minor flaw. Contrary to popular belief, having the confidence to reveal a weakness or vulnerability shows inner strength. And by the way, confidence is naturally attractive. In connecting, vulnerability isnt tied only to weakness. It simply means opening up to another person; revealing

slightly more than you normally would. Youre showing more of your authentic self. In allowing others to see the real you, you are also showing confidence in yourself. This may be the one thing that both Psychology Today and innumerable dating sites agree on: Confidence is attractivevii. Other people will admire the bravery that it takes to be real and want to come back for more. Sharing slightly more information than you normally would tends to elicit two responses: 1. The other person will empathize, and try to help you. 2. The other person will match your level of vulnerability by revealing something of her own. As the wise research professor Bren Brown tells us, people who have deep connections are those who are willing to be vulnerable. These successful people dont find vulnerability any less squeamish than the rest of us, but they know that its necessary for creating authentic connections with othersviii. Ease In When youre vulnerable, other people will follow your example. At this point, nice work, youve just become a leader. Get ready for amazing connections to follow. Start by increasing your level of vulnerability gradually. The basics of this concept come from a study done by professor Arthur Aron at SUNY Stony Brook. He asked participants to pair up and discuss a set of questions that were designed to create a close relationship. The pairs spent a total of an hour in conversation, and the questions worked like a charm. At the end of the time, most pairs who discussed the interesting questions wanted to keep talking. Some kept in touch for years after the study endedix. Researchers have reproduced this study and its results with participants in nearly all age groups and across diverse backgrounds. Participants from the study often say that they still call their (randomly assigned) partners regularly, and value those friendships created in the study for years after. A few have even resulted in marriages! Ready to give it a go?

Assignment: Descending Questions


Use the very same questions from Professor Arons studies to get closer to someone. Choose a person or a small group of people (target) who youd like to connect with on a deeper level, and take at least 30 minutes to answer a minimum of three questions together. If you dont know the target well, start with questions in Set I. If youre doing this with family or close friends, you could skip to Set II. Why do these questions work? There are no wrong answers. The questions rarely incite judgment. The questions are open-ended; theres no such thing as a yes or no answer. The questions are universal; everyone has an answer. The questions allow the person answering to shift the level of vulnerability that they show, depending on their comfort level. The objective is to learn something new about your target. The agents used these questions to bond with friends and partners. They were able to gain new insights with even their closest relationships. They heard interesting perspectives on everything from growing up to why people treasure a particular memory. Any hints? The agents recommend blending the questions into normal conversation, or giving an introduction that doesnt call too much attention to the questions as a separate activity. Keep it natural, and discover something that your friends have never told you before. Field Notes Agent KJ, Washington, DC: I chose to play the questions game with my girlfriend and a close frined of ours. We had been drinking throughout the evening, which made it an honest and open conversation. We spoke a lot about what we find important in our lives and how that shapes our views of what makes a perfect dinner guest or a perfect day. Our conversation led us to agree that the real fun in these open questions is the possibility of the perfect day that we dont yet know is perfect. Doing something far beyond what we think were able to achieve, or talking with someone about a subject we dont yet know were passionate about, led us to imagine a wildly exciting future. The question of What is your most treasured memory? triggered a much deeper conversation than any of us anticipated. A theme ran through all of our answers; upon hearing the word treasured, we converged on people or things that are no longer in our lives in the same way they once were. The conversation was surprisingly illuminating. These questions are phrased in a way that allow for peoples creativity and thought processes to be exposed. As we talked, I realized those two things are markers of individuality in human beings they are the bits worth sharing.

Signposting We already know that people tend to calibrate their behavior to match the common behavior in the group. In this case, you are the group. While you are setting the trend for other peoples behavior, you can create a few signs to show others that it is safe to open up. First, lets run through what not to do. Vulnerability takes time, and is best built incrementally. Dont go from zero to sixty. Nice to meet you. Im Sarah, and Im still afraid of the dark, doesnt usually get the best reaction. Like the questions assignment, take it slow. Lead the conversation to incrementally reveal greater levels of vulnerability. One way to show your target that youre being vulnerable with her is to call it out. Before you reveal something new about yourself, stick in a phrase like, Im a little embarrassed to say this, but This tactic is called signposting. When your target hears a signposting phrase, shell know that youre going to share something important. Her natural reaction will be to pay attention. She will lean in. Shell hold your eye contact to project trust. Most people do all of this unconsciously. As your target recognizes the vulnerable moment, empathy will kick in and shell prepare to go easy on you. Signposting creates a way for you to introduce vulnerability without taking the other person completely by surprise. Instead, it changes the tone of the conversation just before you introduce the vulnerable moment.

Assignment: Confessions
This assignment is about signposting (but its sexier to call it confessions, so well stick with that). Your job is to put up a signal of vulnerability to show your target that you trust her. Start a conversation with someone you dont know very well. Perhaps you just met in the elevator or at a bar. Talk to someone in your office while youre both getting coffee. Within the first 10 minutes of the conversation, confess something. The point is to say something slightly vulnerable, while warning your conversation partner in advance that youre doing it. For example, Actually, I have to confess something. I never really understood how the stock market works. Could you explain it to me? Thats the whole assignment. If youre lucky, maybe your target will confess something back. Either way, shell respect you for admitting that you dont know something (remember, this makes you look confident). In tackling this assignment, the agents admitted mistakes to colleagues and bosses, friends and family. Each time, they encountered only compassion. They often learned new information, and all of them reported that it felt good to be honest about their shortcomings. Field Notes Agent DS, San Francisco: I havent been getting enough sleep lately, and I was working from home yesterday. I went to take a brief nap, but didnt think to set an alarm, and I slept right through a phone call that I had scheduled. I called the guy an hour later and told him, Im really embarrassed, I was taking a nap and slept through our entire meeting. He laughed

and then we proceeded as usual. No big reveal on his part but it felt good to be completely honest about the situation. Agent TI, New York: Im very sensitive to the fact that Im the manager of my team, and also the youngest among my colleagues. Its never been an issue for my co-workers, but my heightened awareness of the experience gap makes me less confident in the decisions Im making, and less willing to admit when I dont know the right answer. This past week when one of my co-workers asked me what we should do about a situation, and I responded, This is new to me, so Im not sure. It felt great. Instead of me dictating a plan, my response opened the door to an extremely productive brainstorm. Because I wasnt indicating there was a right answer, we jumped to ideas that otherwise would not have surfaced. This was exactly the kind of honest dialogue weve struggled with in the past! Instead of highlighting my inexperience, being vulnerable (not knowing the answer when I felt I should), better positioned the team to feel invested in a solution that we crafted together. Mini-Adventure People often bond over an adventure. Snowboarding, adventure travel, and treasure hunts all fall in this category. Doing something thats outside of your comfort zone is another way of showing vulnerability. You might look awkward at first. Youll make mistakes. Youll learn. When people go through this process together especially as peers who are learning the same skill a bond is created. Youve seen your peers at some of their most vulnerable moments, and it creates the feeling that you share a secret. Learning something together generates compassion. Adventure generates something else, too. When you tackle a challenge, your adrenaline spikes. Its strangely similar to the biological reaction that youd have if you met someone really attractive. Researchers proved this back in the 1970s, when they asked participants to cross a canyon using a swaying rope bridge. The act spiked everyones adrenaline levels. At the other side, a research assistant was waiting to record their experience. What happened? Participants asked her outx. Participants in the study confused their physiological reaction to crossing the bridge with an attraction to the research assistant. Their hearts were pounding and their breath was short who could blame them? Instead of recognizing their reaction to fear of heights, the participants felt a connection with another person. We can use a little adventure to incite the same type of bonding reaction. This works best when you have an adventure that pushes your own adrenaline levels, as well as those of your target. Everyone has their own opinions on what constitutes an adventure. The same person who thinks that public speaking is an adventure might scoff at a class 5 rapid. As you decide on the type of adventure that youd like to tackle, the number one rule of vulnerability still applies: Take things incrementally. People naturally match their behavior to that of others in the group. When planning an adventure, your role is to play the leader, and others will follow. Remember: When it comes to vulnerability, youre setting the standard.

Assignment: Jump in a Lake


Ready to step up your leadership game? This assignment is a dare. Im daring each of you to go out and have an adventure. Do something that scares you a little. Be the first person on the dance floor, start a game of pickup soccer in a local field, or dive headfirst into a freezing lake. Laugh like youre loving it. The objective is to get at least one person to follow you. This assignment addresses the idea that we all bond over a group adrenaline rush. Think about a time that youve studied abroad, raced a car, or gone bungee jumping. Its an experience that people remember, and they feel closer to the folks who were by their side. The agents tackled this assignment head-on. Some of them were successful in gathering followers, while others ended up on a solo adventure. Either way, in taking on the adventure, they looked confident, and showed vulnerability. Thats half the battle. Field Notes Agent KB, New Jersey: My family was at a pool party with a bunch of people from my parents church. I dont know them, but my Dad requested that we all go so we made the best of it. After everyone ate, several little kids went into the pool. I could tell my Dad wanted to join, so I announced that I would go in the water if he did. Then I walked off to put on my suit. My dad and my brother followed. Looking into the water, I wasnt exactly scared more like slightly uncomfortable but I seized the moment and jumped in. Before I knew it, more than half of the party was splashing around in the pool. Recap: Vulnerability Showing confidence through vulnerability is a fundamental element of connection. Keep practicing these techniques until youve got vulnerability on lockdown. If youre aching for extra practice, start by initiating more vulnerable conversations with people who you already trust, and then move on to engaging with people who you dont know as well. Were going to build off of these vulnerability skills in future assignments. As you foster deeper and deeper connections, remember to show the real you; its the most attractive thing you can do.

Chapter 4: Us & Them


Connecting one-on-one can lead to strong individual relationships, but some situations naturally call for group bonding. In the case of kickball teams, office projects, and Sunday BBQs, it is often better to connect with everyone in the group. Group situations require more than a hub and spokes model: You need go beyond building multiple one-on-one relationships. There are often too many people to connect with at any given time, and besides: the feeling that youre part of a group transcends your connections to individual members. Luckily, there are tactics that are particularly appropriate for group bonding. The model is called Us & Them, and it is based off of a tested framework of in-groups and out-groups. Before we dive into Us & Them, we need to understand its close cousin, Us v. Them. Us v. Them Youve probably heard of Us v. Them. Its that zero-sum game that people play when they believe resources are fixed. One group forms with the goal of capturing resources, and sets itself in opposition to another group. People naturally fall into an Us v. Them mentality. Republicans and Democrats, home team v. away team, cops and robbers; its easy to split complex personalities and situations into two opposing groups. While Us v. Them is often a nightmare for authorities, one benefit to opposing groups is the close connection that members feel with the people on their side. Thanks to evolution, we are pre-programmed to socialize in tight-knit groups. Back when most humans were mastering the hunter-gatherer lifestyle, our ancestors lived in tribes. The members of a tribe would cooperate for the greater good of their own group. As they accumulated resources, they would also have to defend against other tribes in the area. When a tribe was able to collaborate effectively functioning as a cohesive unit it was more successfulxi. In evolutionary terms, successful means that the tribe grew and reproduced. Our ancestors were experts at Us v. Them. The Us v. Them mentality depends on in-groups and out-groups. In-groups consist of (obviously) the people who are members of the same tribe. They are accepted. Regardless of individual differences, members of the in-group favor each other and share resources. This is why its okay for you to make fun of your sister, but when the playground bully does it, youre ready to throw a punch. In-groups are still common; they naturally form in several innocuous flavors. A soccer team, for example. Or the alumni network of a university. Wouldnt you naturally want to help someone from a group that you belong to? Out-groups are a defined group of people that rival the in-group. The out-group has identifiable members and the in-group members feel animosity toward them. Take the archrival to your football team; people who support the rival team are easy to identify by the colors or logos theyre wearing, and their objective is in direct contrast to your own. We know that Us v. Them bonds people together. The famous Robbers Cave experiment showed how easily people form into in-groups, and favor their group members. Researchers worked with boys in a summer camp in Oklahoma back in 1954. The boys were divided into groups at random and given a week to bond with their in-group. When the two groups were brought together for the first time, they were presented as opposing teams in a sports competition. The result; name-calling, cabin raids, and group members burning each others flags. The boys needed no prompting; they naturally collaborated with their own group members and became competitive with the other groupxii.

The Robbers Cave experiment, and several similar studies that followed, proved how easily people bond into ingroups. They also demonstrated how quickly a bonded in-group would turn against an out-group. In order to avoid name-calling and flag-burning, were going to modify the Us v. Them strategy, and instead build a group bond through Us & Them. The little & in between those two words is subtle, but it can make a significant difference in how groups treat each other. Group Size Us & Them tactics can create bonds between as few as two and as many as 100 people at a time. Your group size will likely fall somewhere in between. In certain circumstances, you wont be able to choose the size of your group. If youre starting a basketball team, for example, the rules will dictate a minimum and a maximum number of people who can join. Other times, you may get to choose the size of your group. If youre inviting friends to join you on a hike, aim for 4-10 people to attend. This smaller size implies that everyone who is invited has the chance to meet and talk with every other member of the group during their first activity together. During dinner parties, aim for everyone to participate in one single conversation at the table. Once you know who should join the group, make sure that they know it, too. Us & Them Tactic #1: Validate Your Target Validation is about making each individual person feel certain that he deserves to be a member of the group. This tactic is particularly crucial for bringing a new person into an already established group. If youre adding new members to your basketball team, make them feel that they belong. Validation can also be used for connecting with multiple people at once to form a new group. As you approach the task of forming a group, think carefully about who youd like to include, and why. It may seem obvious, but validation is only done well if the feeling is authentic. Once you firmly believe that your target should belong to the group, it will be easy to convince him, too. To successfully create validation: Be purposeful. Youve chosen to invite your target into the group for a reason, right? Make sure youre clear on why this person should be included, and tell him about it. Be specific. Your target is likely a wonderful human being, but this doesnt pass as validation. Instead, make your comments as specific as possible. Use examples to illustrate to your target that you mean it, such as: You showed a lot of poise when you handled that situation during Be relevant. Dont forget to link your invitation and validation comments to the nature of the group or the event. When starting your basketball team, tell the new members what you appreciate about their game. Emphasize the characteristics that your target has in common with the rest of the group to show how well he would fit in.

Assignment: Compliments
Part of bonding is validating that each person involved is uniquely worthy of being a part of the conversation or activity. In this assignment, compliment someone at least twice in a 15-minute conversation. Here are some tips for delivering valuable compliments: Make it genuine. Deliver the compliment on something that your target is obviously great at, and that you are in a position to appreciate. Make it relevant. Try to choose something that is important to your target. He should be proud to receive the compliment. Make it specific. Compliments work best when they address a characteristic that is unique to your target. For example: I love the blueberry cupcakes you make no other cupcakes compare, is better than, You are a great cook. Dont expect your target to reciprocate. If he does compliment you back, reply with a simple thank you. Smile, and then get back to the conversation. Our agents in the field reported that complimenting others is the easiest way to strengthen a bond.

Field Notes Anonymous Agent, San Francisco: I had a lunch meeting with someone last week who I had never met. He works in an office where the culture is characterized by secrecy, and fretting about office politics is the norm. When we met, he was candid about his work and explained that he wasnt sure if he would stay with the company for much longer. I had never seen someone from this organization open up so quickly! Unlike what you usually find in Silicon Valley, he talked about the hard times (not just the good times). I complimented him, saying that it was refreshing to talk to a person who was so vulnerable about their office culture. He sort of stopped and nodded when I delivered the compliment. He didnt know me well enough at that point to say anything back, and I didnt expect it. However, he kept telling me more of the interesting stuff about his job. New information was popping up left and right! Well be meeting again soon. Multiple Targets When forming or strengthening a group bond, choosing where to focus your attention can be tricky. Youve moved from a one-on-one bonding situation to a setting that offers multiple targets. Dont let the plethora of new friends distract you. There are a number of ways to handle a situation with multiple targets. The first is to start off by treating your initial step the invitation as a series of one-on-one interactions. If youre sending invitations to several people to join a group outing, you may take some extra time to send each invitation separately. While most of the text will be the

same, you could customize the invitations to explicitly validate your individual targets. Another way to handle a situation with multiple targets is to combine the first two steps of validation; validate the individuals and the group simultaneously. In this tactic, you would send an invitation to all of the group members at once, calling out the wonderful characteristics of each person as well as the common interests of the group as a whole. Read on for details on validating the group and bonus points for hosting a big group event. Us & Them Tactic #2: Validate other group members People naturally bond with others who are similar to them. Having a set of shared beliefs means that each person in the group will be easily understood, and that his views are validatedxiii. Groups based on similarities tend to have less conflict and to learn more from each otherxiv. Your target should believe that everyone else in the group is worthy of his attention, respect, and even admiration. The second step in facilitating a group bond is to convince your target how wonderful it is to be a member of the group. If you are bringing a new person into an existing group, this is easy. There is already a group character, and your only task is to convince one person that he wants to become part of it. If youre forming a new group, the task is trickier. Just as you took care to validate each persons fit with the group, youll also validate the group as a whole in the eyes of each new member. Validating the group starts with your prep work. When you send the invite to join the group, tell your target why he would have a great time with the people attending. Hosts often choose to use the text of an invitation to tout an event or a venue (This restaurant is the best in town!); but this passes up an opportunity for creating connections. Your purpose isnt to promote a restaurant. Youre in the connecting business, so promote the people. Do this by showing that your crowd is impressive; a group that your target will want to fit in with. Validating your target and showing him how he fits in well with an impressive group will benefit everyone. Choose Your Us Carefully Forming a group might not involve being in charge of the invite list. Validation can also be used to connect an impromptu group. The trick is to create an Us feeling by finding the interests, traits, or values that the group has in common. When choosing a commonality to call out to the group, you have the opportunity to establish the groups character. Make it substantive. At the most basic level, the group could cheer for the same sports team or agree on a favorite kind of beer, but the best connections address more meaningful topics. Talk about some eurozone policy that you all agree is inept, or why a certain social issue deserves more charitable donations. Anything that goes a bit deeper into the values of the group will create a stronger bond. Choosing an Us works particularly well when the common thread of your in-group is tied to their values. For example, most entrepreneurs seem to value things like experiential learning and taking bold action. Bonding with entrepreneurs is easier when the group is focused on those common, deep-rooted preferences. If you can discover the values that your group shares, call them out! Group Dynamics Even with a small group, every single person wont share in every single conversation. People are bound to mix and

mingle. Strengthening relationships in groups is about making sure that everyone present feels included. Imagine: Youve dropped in to an after-work gathering at the local bar, and already said hello to everyone that you know. As you turn around from picking up your next glass of wine, you now have a choice of who to approach. Start with the person who looks left out. This sounds a little counterintuitive: If your goal is to be part of the incrowd, why should you approach someone on the sidelines? Because people who are sitting apart usually want to connect, but may not be assertive enough to strike up a conversation. They might be introverted types, so be sure to approach them gently. Say hello and ask if you can join. Sit quietly for a minute. Ask a question or two. If you ask the right questions and use a calm tone, you may convince the wallflower to open up. The people who are sitting apart are often different from the crowd, so theres a good chance his stories are more interesting than the common stuff that you would hear in the middle of a big group. After a few minutes of conversation, suggest that the two of you join the rest of the group. Us & Them is about connecting with more than one person, remember? If your aim is to bond everyone present together in one cohesive group, bring the wallflower over to the main crew. Use the tactics for validating your target to get him re-integrated. In a big group setting, take a pass on the opportunity to join an existing clique its often more interesting to build your own.

Assignment: Wallflower
The next time you attend a party or social event, approach the wallflower. This assignment is counter-intuitive. Our natural inclination toward conformity and our desire to join groups means that we naturally seek out existing groups. Instead, your task is to consistently approach the person who is sitting on the sidelines. Use your best set of questions to engage him in an interesting conversation. Remember: In order to form a true connection, you must be authentically interested in what your target is saying. Try some key questions to get your target talking, and when hes sufficiently comfortable, begin to add others to your group. This assignment is a combination of a handful of the skills that youve already learned. The agents gave it a go, as well. Read on for their stories of bringing wallflowers into their social groups.

Field Notes Agent Essy, Copenhagen: There are seven of us that live on the second floor of my building. Most of us are pretty talkative, except one of the women. I saw her in the hall and made it a point to chat with her. I will be spending some time in her home country next

year, so I focused my questions on fun things to do, and things I should know beforehand. There was a significant change in her demeanor when she started talking about her home; she lit up and became much more chatty than I had seen her in the past few months. We talked about going to karaoke together, the foods I would have to taste, and the places she would show me. It was a great conversation, and though Im embarrassed it took so long to materialize, Im excited to continue to get to know her. Us & Them Tactic #3: Set Up a Contrast Once you identify the similarities among the group, and call them out to everyone, your final task is to tell a story that adds meaning to their participation in the group. Youve already established what brings them all together now is the time to show how special those characteristics really are, by showing how this commonality makes your group special. How is the rest of the world is different from your group? The Them If this were a fluffy book of thought experiments, this chapter would recommend finding similarities amongst the group, and then drop the issue. But this is about real-life tactics, and sometimes creating enemies works. Im not recommending that you incite bar fights. Instead, just point out the differences between your group and everyone else. Heres the difference, using sports teams as an example: Us v. Them: Lets go kick Michigans ass! Us & Them: Were going to win the conference this year! Remember that with Us v. Them, out-groups have identifiable members. The key difference is that with Us & Them, there are not identifiable members of the out-group. Instead of identifying a specific group to pick on, contrast the unique characteristics of your group with a vague everyone else or most people. Make it clear that the folks in your group share a unique bond that the rest of the world is missing out on. The Underdog Using a vague them in your contrast has a hidden advantage. Your group is framed as a favorable minority whose views are in contrast to the majority. Youre an underdog. Everyone loves an underdog. People want to associate with underdogs because they identify with the underdog storyxv. No one wins all of the time, or loses all of the time, but everyone struggles. Everyone has faults and (we hope) perseveres. Everyone wants to come out on top, in the end. If the narrative of your group can match that of an underdog, people will not only be drawn to join, but also galvanized for your cause. A Group Of Two While Us & Them is often done when lots of people in your group are present, it can also be effective in creating a deep one-on-one connection. When youre in conversation with just one other person, dont worry about the other folks milling around. Instead, create an imaginary in-group. It can be just the two of you, or there could be a whole world of people who share your special trait but dont happen to be in the room. For example, Its very rare that you meet someone who has traveled so extensively around Africa. People who fall into that category have a unique perspective on life that I

really appreciate. All of the tactics in this chapter can easily be applied to a scenario with a single target. In fact, its easier to call out similarities because youll know intuitively what the two of you have in common. Begin by pointing out one or two characteristics that you admire about your target and move on from there. Advanced Moves: Big Groups Once youve mastered Us & Them while bonding small groups together, test it out in larger groups. Large means any group where you do not personally know everyone who youre speaking to. For example, if you give a presentation at a conference. A mentor of mine, Houston, does this brilliantly. Each time he speaks to a group of people his audiences range from fifty to hundreds of people he begins by turning each persons attention to focus on why he or she chose to attend the event. Houston finds the characteristics that make those people unique. Perhaps they had to pass an application to join the audience, or theyve decided to dedicate countless hours learning about the conference topic. Each person is validated by the feeling that he or she was strong enough to jump the hurdle and join the group. Once each person in the audience feels special, Houston moves on to validating everyone else. Obviously the other people in the room have passed the same challenging application process. However, most audience members wont consider the accomplishments of their peers until someone points them out. If you have access to demographic information, mention that there are some impressive folks in the audience, and name a few specific characteristics without including names. Perhaps someone earned his masters degree in astrophysics at the age of 19, and someone else speaks five languages fluently. Remember to choose traits that the audience holds dear. Finally, create a Them. When speaking to a large group, this part is easy and hugely valuable. Anyone outside of this group has chosen not to spend their time learning about the topic at hand. They do not share the same values as the in-group. They are different. The rest of Houstons speeches are incredibly insightful (and fun!), but its these first few minutes of establishing an Us & Them scenario that has the audience on the edge of their seats, eager to hear more. Recap: Us & Them People connect best with those who are like them. Sometimes similarities fall into easy demographic categories. Other times, its not so obvious. A great way to establish an Us is to unite everyone around a common purpose. When people share a common goal, theyre able to communicate more effectivelyxvi. They are more loyal to each other and more likely to work together (whether that means getting along on vacation or doing a project in the office) when they know that they share something greater than themselves, and that this characteristic makes the group members unique. Connecting is about building on those similarities.

Chapter 5: Building
Picture your five closest friends. Where did you meet them, and how did you get to know each other? How did those relationships move from we just met to best friend? What trials did you overcome together? What adventures resulted in those magical bonding moments? Many of my closest friends are people Ive worked with. Not in an office, necessarily. We rarely had job titles, and desks were even more scarce. Instead, we bonded over doing projects together, often under tight deadlines and even tighter budgets. We certainly werent enjoying ourselves. At least, we wouldnt have said so at the time. It was hard work. When it was all over, we were extremely proud of what we had created. Our strong bonds came from building something together. Building involves producing something as a team. This is an intentionally broad definition; what you build can be tangible or intangible. All it takes is for everyone involved in the project to make a contribution of time, money, or expertise and the result is greater than the sum of its parts. Of course, things rarely happen in a rosy world where everyone contributes, on time, and with zero hassle. If you think back to your most recent building experience as a team, there were probably more snappy comments than happy contributors. At this point, youre likely having flashbacks to failed office endeavors or class projects. Formal teams are tricky. In an office or a classroom, managers divide people into teams for a wide variety of reasons; seat assignments, work experience, salary level. In spite of their common affiliation to the team or the company, the members of a team have a wide array of motivations for participating (or not). Some may be passionate about creating a superb deliverable, while others are looking forward to an end-of-year bonus or a stamp of approval on their resumes. Building For Fun Instead of getting caught up in the politics of formal teams, why not build something for fun? Building isnt just about the next CRM rollout. Planning a vacation or playing a football game counts, too. Remember, building is anything that you do to create a result as a team. You can start by building something intangible it still counts, and its the least amount of work. The next time you get together with some friends, imagine a new restaurant. Envision the perfect summer day. You wont be responsible for the rollout, but sharing your ideas will still foster connections among the group members. Building is a powerful tactic for connection because the team members have a chance to add their inputs together, giving birth to new ideas in the process. Like a brainstorm, one persons comments may spark a new idea from someone else. A third person adds her thoughts, and soon the conversation is up and running. The final product becomes an amalgamation of all of these ideas it is the combined work of everyone on the team. A successful team creates connections between the people involved, through their work together. Were you ever on a team that did something truly great? Think back to the time that you hosted an event without a hitch, or the time that your soccer team won the championship. When you worked together to overcome obstacles, the team members learned that they could trust each other to perform under pressure. How do you feel toward those teammates now? On Conflict

By its very nature, building involves conflict. If youre working on something truly great, youll run into obstacles. Connection happens as you face those obstacles together. When your team can collaborate to overcome conflict, youll build a product, build trust, and build connection. The word conflict may come off as a bit harsh. Maybe youre picturing a food fight, or a fed up colleague yelling at his team. Conflict could also include overcoming an external challenge (remember Us & Them?). For example, what do you do when the restaurant you were dying to try has an hour-long wait? Or when a thunderstorm interrupts your weekend hike? Each of these situations presents a conflict, and an opportunity for you and your teammates to overcome it together. A high-stress situation often brings out aspects of each team members personality. If youre on a hike and become stranded in a torrential downpour, youll learn a lot about your friends personalities based on how they react. Some will become angry, others will complain. One or two will look for solutions to keep everyone dry and get you all back to safety. Another will start telling jokes to lighten the mood. By moving through conflict together, team members learn about each others coping mechanisms. This process develops trust. You now know that you can count on your roommate to save you from that venomous cobra. Thats important, and it creates a bond. Why Not Build? Most of us dont go a single day without building something. Volunteer projects. Team deliverables. Dinner plans. Each of these is an opportunity for connection. Yes, it sounds clich to say that there are opportunities for connection everywhere you look. After a long day at the office, the very last thing that most of us are pondering is how to connect better with our colleagues. Its more likely that were thinking of the fastest way to the gym or the scrumptious dinner waiting at home. However, there is another compelling argument in favor of creating connections through building: It makes your projects better. If you do a little connecting, youll get higher-quality results. As a bonus, youll enjoy yourself in the process. Between office projects and volunteer projects, vacations and lunch dates, youre going to build hundreds of times in this month alone. Why not connect more deeply while doing it? Think of it as an investment in your own success.

Assignment: Build Something


People bond when theyre doing something constructive together. This assignment involves convincing a small group of people to participate in a mini-building session. Propose a question about something that you could all build, and immediately encourage others to contribute. Options include: Where should we go on vacation? I wish we all played football on Sundays how can we make that happen? If we designed a bar together, what would it look like? You get the idea. Once people start offering responses, pull out a pen and begin to write down their ideas on a napkin (this is a signal that youre listening intently). Ask questions until the conversation gets moving, then keep quiet and allow others to step in. The agents tackled this assignment with gusto. One group imagined a restaurant, and another actually began building a company. Another agent planned a reunion for college friends, and more than one group planned a road trip. Field Notes Agent VXA, Washington, DC: A few of my colleagues and I found a sleepy lounge after work for some libations. I managed to weave our experiment into the conversation by asking what the ideal vending machine would be for our offices. My thought was that American vending machines carry universally disgusting food, the kind of stuff that only makes you more hungry or thirsty after consuming it. A few of us had been lamenting at this over the last few weeks when we were stranded and famished at our office past dusk. So everyone was more than excited to pitch ideas to build the perfect office vending machine. We dont always have cash on hand, and therefore decided that the machines should accept payment using our phones. Then we recommended everything from coconut water to nutrition bars. Finally, we moved on to things that we specifically wanted for our office. This was the most exciting part. A few of the items were pantyhose, collar stays, cuff links, Tide to-go sticks, lint rollers, USB chargers, power bars, flash drives, and the red track pad buttons. We also wanted miniature champagne bottles to celebrate milestones. All in all, it was a fun exercise and everyone pitched in. We are still looking for a good moniker for these machines, but it has started to become the inside joke (and we all know how valuable inside jokes are for forging connections). A Warning Before we dive into the how-to, heres a quick warning: Its very easy to screw up building. In order to build successfully, you and your teammates will need to pass through some type of conflict. That conflict creates an opportunity to bond and build together, but it also presents a risk that the team will crumble under pressure. If done improperly, youre liable to lose connections while working through a conflict. Here are some tactics to avoid:

Diving in too early. If youre building something small like dinner plans avoid launching into a 20-step process for choosing the right restaurant. Pushing your own agenda. The trick to building is allowing everyone in the group to contribute. This may mean that the final product isnt an exact match to your initial vision. Accept that you dont know the right answer, but your group does. When youre consciously connecting through building, the focus is on the relationship. It can be tough to let go if youre highly invested in the end result of the project. Have a little faith in the rest of the group, and take it one step at a time. How To Do It Right Working on a project as long as that project involves some positive experiences bonds people together. Yes, youll face challenges. Positive experiences come from negotiating those challenges as a team. There are a few crucial ingredients that go into a positive building experience. The first is that everyone contributes. The immediate goal of building is not to make a stellar final product. Why? Because everyones definition of stellar may be different. Instead, focus on the short-term goal of having everyone in the group contribute. For those of us who grew up in individualistic, goal-oriented cultures, this can be a tough task. To have everyone contribute, start with a little trust. Instead of beginning a project with your own ideas or suggestions, begin by giving your teammates the benefit of the doubt. Assume that they will make strong decisions, and that they will follow through. Lets break it down: First, identify the project. Many people stroll through everyday life without realizing that the stuff theyre doing is actually a group project. If you are planning anything that involves other people, stop and make a mental note of what the project is (e.g. eating dinner with a friend next week). Second, identify the people who need to be involved. This may seem trivial, but taking the time to explicitly think through this list may uncover new people who need to be involved, and others who dont. (Hint: Anyone who has a stake in the outcome should make it on the involved list.) Finally, ask a question to the group. If your project is basic, the question can be direct (What type of food do you like?). If the project is more complicated, you may want to start off by establishing the teams objectives or priorities (How important is it for us to win this competition?). Remember: Change your mindset by shifting your own focus away from the final product and toward the goal of having all group members contribute. Begin by extending trust to your team members, and soon the project will be up and running. The Story of E Company If one massive group could win the award for connection through building, the Greatest Generation of Americans in World War II would be a top contender. Have you ever watched the TV series Band of Brothers? Then you already know a great example of building; the story of Easy Company.

Part of the 101st Airborne Division, E Company was a unit of elite paratroopers. A number of elements in E Companys training and deployment bonded the troops together at a level far deeper than those in other units. As they built skills in sighting rifles, anti-tank maneuvers, and assembling mortar guns, the troops overcame numerous obstacles on the training grounds. The result; they grew to trust each other with their lives. The first important factor began before a single E Company member arrived on the scene: All of them were volunteers. No one was drafted into the original crew of E Company every soldier arrived by his own volition. This choice created a commonality that company members leveraged to overcome very different political and social backgrounds. In the end, they all made the same choice to fight as an elite paratrooper and that choice bound them together. Remember how to create an Us & Them scenario? E Company had found an Us in their common decision to join the army, specifically the paratroopers. The Them became everyone else. Their unpopular captain, who ran the platoon with an erratic humor and an iron fist, the draftees fighting in other platoons who werent as well-trained as E Company members, and the enemy soldiers they were sent to kill. E Companys bond was created on a strong foundation of Us & Them, but the strength of that bond was fortified through building. E Company members endured the toughest training and deployment conditions that the U.S. army had to offer. Training exercises taught the men of E company that they must work together, or perish. In runs up the local mountain, Curahee, it wasnt uncommon for men to collapse from the physical strain. Anyone who couldnt make it would be carried on the shoulders of his comrades. In combat training, it took two men to operate a machine gun and three to assemble a mortar gun. Each man had to trust the men next to him if he didnt place the mortar just so, everyones lives were at risk. E Companys training firmly reinforced the co-dependence of the men on their comrades within the unit. In the end, building bound the members of E Company together with such a deep level of trust that during the war, wounded members would go AWOL from the hospitals in Britain to rejoin their comrades on the front lines. At the time, army regulations stated that if a wounded soldier stayed in the hospital for more than 90 days, he would be reassigned to a new unit instead of reintegrated into his original company. In order to avoid the fate of joining a new company of (possibly inept) strangers, dozens of E Company members with bullet wounds and deadly infections chose to hitchhike, stow away, and limp their way back to E Companys position on the front lines of battlexvii. Thats a strong connection. Recap: Building The great thing about building and connection is that the two create a positive feedback loop. Use the strategies in this chapter to connect with people who you work with. As you do, your projects will improve. This applies even when there are just two people working on the project. Once a team has successfully built a small project, they feel a stronger connection with the other people in the group. Theyll want to work together again, and theyll know how to collaborate successfully. The next project that the team takes on will be bigger and better; the members will be even more motivated and resilient. Rinse, wash, repeat.

Chapter 6: Context
Have you ever tried to pick someone up in a bar? How did it go? When you went for it, what did you talk about? Were you able to find common interests? Favorite type of beer does not count. Most people in our generation are eager to form deeper connections with peers. They wait for weeks for all of their college buddies to meet up on a specific day and time. When the big day comes, theyre not sure what to do with everyone. So we all end up going to bars. Lots of bars. The Thing About Bars Im about to say something controversial here: Bars are not suited for meaningful connection. Dont spend time there, unless you want to drop lots of money and wake up feeling awful. First, let me debunk the great myth that alcohol brings people closer together. For most people, alcohol merely breaks down the filters of propriety that we put up around us. Sometimes these behaviors cause people who are drinking together to create close bonds, sometimes very close bonds (if you know what I mean). Other times, this new information about our so-called friends turns people away. Most of us have experienced both sides of the alcohol-induced behavior spectrum. To be clear: I will concede that alcohol can be a social lubricant. Just to show that Im not completely one-sided, heres an example of when drinking actually enhanced a connection: A few years ago I set out for a night of fun with two of my best friends from undergrad, whom Ill call Jake and Kevin. We lived in different cities, so it was a rare treat for all three of us to spend time together. We joyfully tromped out to a beergarden in Brooklyn. After we were all a few pints in, Kevin began throwing back shots like it was his last night on Earth. When we asked, he admitted that hed been drinking a lot recently. Intentionally so. He then spilled a series of stories detailing traumatic experiences from the past year. Kevin admitted that he had been drinking in order to avoid the pain of remembering. Jake challenged him. We debated the (in)effectiveness of how people deal with trauma. Therapy, depression, forgetting, and alcohol were all covered. Jake and I care deeply for our friend, and Kevin understood that we were trying to help. Im pretty sure we all cried at some point during the conversation out of frustration, compassion, or both. That night brought us even closer together. We would not have slipped into such an intimate discussion without having had a few drinks. But none of us would have been so forthright without years of friendship based on deep and meaningful (sober) conversations. Drinking may indeed break down certain social barriers. However, dont confuse the means with the ends. Alcohol may be one tool in your arsenal, however, bars shouldnt be your go-to means of connecting with people. There is a huge array of options when it comes to choosing the setting for connection. So how do we make the choice? Context Is Everything Why avoid bars when your ultimate goal is to connect? Because the most powerful tool to foster connection is context. Context includes everything from how you send the invite to the time of day that you choose to meet up.

Because it covers so much ground, lets break context into two digestible parts. 1) The setting is everything about where you choose to connect. Do you invite someone to your home, or to a restaurant? Is the music energetic or soothing? How bright are the lights? The setting is the physical space that youre in. 2) Framing is the spin that you put on the facts. It has everything to do with your actions, and your words. Do you greet your friends with a hug or a handshake? Do you exclaim how the restaurant makes you remember that time you all visited the Greek Isles? (Remember: Specific descriptors are more impactful). Framing is always a mix of verbal and physical signals. Well take a deeper look at framing later in the chapter. For now, lets discuss setting. Setting It Up People respond to the cues in their environment. They also underestimate how much environments affects their own behavior. Psychologists call this the actor-observer bias. Humans regularly ignore the fact that environmental cues dictate so many of our actions. Any setting offers a thousand contextual cues that subtly influence our behavior. If were in a bar, we drink. If were on an athletic field, we run. If were in a mall, we buy something. However, we all deny how much the physical setting influences our decisions. Even the experts dont realize when context is affecting their behavior. Brian Wansink, author of Mindless Eating, was able to trick his colleagues into eating more by serving the food in bigger bowls. These are scientists who study the cues of why people eat fooled by their own tricks! Heres the kicker: When he let them in on the secret, they denied being influencedxviii. Setting plays a huge role in determining our patterns of interaction. Its time to put that knowledge to work for you. Be Choosy Start by choosing a setting that suits your purpose. How you choose will depend on the direction that youd like to take when connecting with your target. If your team at work is looking to think creatively during a brainstorm, hold the meeting in an offsite building with a view. Wish your uptight friend would relax? Invite him for a walk in the park. Dont settle for the default setting (e.g., the bar) if its not conducive to your goals.

Assignment: Choose Your Setting


One of the simplest ways to motivate someone to change his behavior is to change the physical setting. Lets give it a shot. Select someone youd like to get to know better, and invite him to a new hangout. Meet a colleague outside of the office, or plan Saturday brunch with an acquaintance. The setting that you choose should reflect your connection goals. If youre aiming for a deeper conversation, try inviting a friend to your home. Bonus: Looking for a challenge? Use a context change to make your strong relationships more dynamic. Bring your mom to a concert or invite your high-strung BFF to a yoga class. Did your targets behavior change in the new setting? The agents certainly did. Meeting people outside of their normal setting caused the targets to open up sometimes to excess. Field Notes Agent VXA, Washington, DC: We have a new addition to one of the teams that I manage, and her performance has been a challenge. She is very sharp and charming, but she is new to management consulting and struggling to keep up on a fast-paced project. Despite several attempts at getting her to open up, she has been shy about asking for help. I decided to invite her to an environment where she could really shine. My hypothesis was that this would boost her confidence, and perhaps she would be more candid with me. Given her background in urban design and planning, I invited her for lunch to a pavilion with food trucks. While we got our food, she educated me in the trend of food trucks and the impact it has had in urban settings. We sat down on the rooftop of our office building and ate lunch with a beautiful view of the city. This is where I asked her several questions about the history of the citys design and culture. She was witty and articulate, and shared her creative ideas on how the citys design can be improved dramatically via various investments. She then revealed how nervous she was about management consulting. I probed further and got some solid insights into what she was struggling with. Her challenges were all normal, so I reassured her and offered some simple tips. We also came up with a short-term development plan that she is excited about. Our role reversal was facilitated by the change in setting. This was just the first step, but it was a big stride in the direction of forging esprit de corps. What If You Cant Choose? If you cant choose the setting that youre connecting in, use other tools to create a positive context. Context isnt just about the physical space and how comfortable the chairs are (though both of those things help). Its also about how you set up the conversation, and how you manage it. In other words, how you frame the interaction.

Framing When inviting someone to connect more deeply, youre asking your target to change his behavior. Think about it; its not often that we stumble into close friendships with new acquaintances. One of the most universally helpful tools for behavior change is framing. Framing is our own ability to set the context around any type of experience. The realm of framing encompasses everything that is not objectively true or false. If you walk into a coffee shop that is blasting heavy metal (these sorts of places actually exist, mostly in New York), there is little argument to be made that the music is quiet. Whether you enjoy the brutally loud music thats about framing. Have you heard about the research that found cancer patients who are optimistic have higher chances of survival? Its truexix. The patients frame their chances for survival in an optimistic light and then they align their actions with this positive frame. They smile, they eat healthy, they spend time with family and friends. And their optimism becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can use framing in very much the same way. When connecting, set up a series of verbal and physical cues that hint at a certain outcome (in your case; meaningful connection). Your targets will follow the cues and act accordingly. When To Use Framing Magicians are masters of framing. They use verbal and physical cues so well that theyre able to push the boundaries of reality. Their hints create such strong opinions that the audience questions what is objectively true. Lets see what there is to learn from magicians, using framing to blend the borders between opinion and reality. Framing tactics come in two flavors: Physical and verbal. Physical Cues Did your mother ever remind you to sit up straight? When you first shake hands with a new person, do you smile? Physical framing encompasses everything from the shirt that youre wearing to your posture; its all about you. The details of how you engage send signals to your target. You naturally shape the behavior of the people around you. Im not trying to incite paranoia. If you pay attention to a few basic physical cues, the rest will follow. Choosing the right outfit and mastering a welcoming gesture are part of the subtle difference between allowing connections to pop up randomly and setting the proper context for them to flourish. Lets start with the common sense stuff. Clothing Im not going to tell you to follow the dress code at a club or restaurant. In fact, youll do better at connecting if you dont follow the rules. By all means, put on that neon shirt or the skin-tight capri pants. Just make sure that your clothes are sending the signals that youre aiming for. Why dress differently? People are naturally drawn to something that stands out. If youre wearing a polo shirt at an event with a thousand others, you wont be perceived as interesting. Instead, your shirt is going to prompt your target to think, Yep, this conversation is probably going to end up just like the other ten that Ive already had tonight. Lets get the hell out of here. Instead, wear something unique. A friend of mine collects t-shirts with intellectual cartoons. Each one has some play on words or a quip about evolutionary theory. When people glance at his shirt and smile, hes got an instant

connection. Ill confess: This isnt an original idea. This trick has been used by pickup artistsxx for years. Why not borrow a successful tactic and use it to incite real, authentic connections? The one caveat to the wear something unique rule is that you must feel comfortable and confident in it. Pickup artists approach this by doing exercises to build confidence regardless of what theyre wearing. For the sake of genuine connections, just wear clothes that make you feel good. Above all, make sure your clothing fits your connection purposes. If youre not out to pick up a hot date, stay away from the sexy cocktail dresses. If youre aiming for casual and self-assured, dress down a bit for that swanky hotel caf. Whether you plan it or not, your appearance will send a handful of signals about you. Why not choose them?

Assignment: Dare To Be Different


The next time you attend a social event a party, meet-up, professional event, whatever wear something different. Different could mean a shiny piece of jewelry, or a clever t-shirt, or funky shoes. Or it could mean dressing slightly out of the ordinary. Wear jeans and a blazer to an upscale restaurant to show that you dont give a shit about their dress code. Use your clothing to make a statement. Here are a few more possibilities: Big / bright accessories T-shirts with your favorite joke or book or band Dress up to meet someone to whom youd like to show respect An item that has personal significance, or a story behind it Choose something that you are confident wearing. The outfit should let your personality shine through, not make you uncomfortable. How many comments on your appearance did you get? Did anyone approach you to start a conversation? Read on for the colorful reactions from friends and colleagues when the agents tried this assignment. The agents had a great time dressing up for this assignment. Read on for their outfits, and the reactions. Field Notes Agent JN, Los Angeles: Im a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. Always have been. Probably always will be. Ive been with my company for about a year and a half, and Ive never worn a skirt to work. Its not that skirts and heels make me uncomfortable, but trousers and sensible shoes make me feel prepared to work hard. As a result, Im seen as a ride-or-die kind of girl; they wont hesitate to call on me to haul stuff from hardware stores or lug around boxes of merchandise.

A county fair was coming up and I reflected that last year was a nightmare, featuring three 12-hour days of manual labor. I was not looking forward to it. This year, I decided to experiment with changing my colleagues perception of me, to see if my assigned tasks would change, too. The week before the fair, I wore skirts and heels for 4 days straight (I just couldnt give up my casual jeans-and-t-shirt Fridays). Day 1 involved a lot of head-turning and quizzical looks. Day 2, there were a few outright expressions of shock. Again!? Whats going on? Day 3, my colleagues couldnt help themselves; J, why are you wearing skirts? I smiled and replied, Why not? On the fourth day, I walked in, smiled, and got to work. No one said a thing my skirt was completely accepted. My plan worked pretty well; instead of working 36 hours in 3 days at the county fair, I worked closer to 18 hours in 2 days, and two people were assigned to back me up. To make sure I wasnt being perceived as a weak, girly-girl, I wore my grubby painting clothes and carried my toolbox to the work site (necessary, not just for show). Again, I received comments about being a ride-or-die, special kind of girl... but they added that I cleaned up nice. I suppose my clothes really did impact the way my colleagues interacted with me. Body Language Yeah, yeah, youve heard it before: Smile. Easier said than done. Thanks to mimicry and feedback, smiles are contagious. People naturally imitate a smile. Also, the action of smiling automatically makes you happier. Add it all together, and you can put your conversation partner in a good mood just by smiling. Its no surprise then that people who smile are seen as more likeablexxi (not to mention more successful on all sorts of other metricsxxii). When youre intentionally trying to connect with folks, this is as simple a tactic as you can get. Still, remembering to smile consistently is a challenge. Smiling (or not) is a habit, and habits are hard to change. A handful of other aspects of body language are in the same boat. Its worth training yourself to sit up straight, square your shoulders, and look your conversation partner in the eye. Here are a few tactics to make sure it happens: Pick a model. Find a friend who is great at smiling, and invite him on your next outing. Watch him, and smile with him. The habit will rub off. Set a timer. Set up an alarm on your phone so that it vibrates at a pre-set time or interval. Keep it in your pocket so that its not a distraction to others; the simple act of an outside reminder will help you stay on track. Practice in a mirror. It feels awkward, but it works. Why? Mirrors increase your self-awarenessxxiii. Youll remember what you look like when smiling (and when not) and the reminder will carry over into social settings as well. Before you move on, take a few minutes to think through one feature of body language youd like to work on. Come on, we all have physical habits that could use improvement. Now select a few tactics to develop a better habit it takes just five minutes of practice to see a big difference. Warm Gestures

Body language can directly affect your target, too. People usually perceive that proximity and eye contact indicates closeness. A persons taste for proximity, eye contact and the like can be flavored by a million different experiences. Its individual. Your job as the connector is to meet your target where hes comfortable. There are some overarching themes that can give you a hint at your targets level of comfort. Culture is a big one. Its a tricky beast: Indians love eye contact. The Japanese show modesty by averting their gaze. If youre interested in learning some popular frameworks for comparing cultures, Id recommend Hofstedes cultural dimensions, Trompenaars framework, or a rousing Google search. In general, Anglo and East Asian cultures tend to be more hands off. Start off your interaction with more personal space and slightly less eye contact. Latin American, African, and European cultures tend to allow for people to get closer (all while maintaining the same emotional level of connection). However, there are some features of proximity that seem to be universal. Proximity Physical proximity actually increases how emotionally close people feel to one another. Back in the 1950s some researchers at MIT studied how students made friends. They took a group of students living in a freshman dorm, and asked them to name the other freshmen that they felt closest to. When the research team drew a map of the social network, one element stood out: Students made friends with people who lived closest to themxxiv. These arent great distances everyone was in the same building, so the people who lived the furthest away were only a one-minute walk down the hall. Regardless, the students were more likely to be close friends with their immediate neighbors. If youre in a group, use the rule of proximity to improve your connections. Stand or sit next to the person who youre interested in connecting with. You dont have to stay glued to his side for the entire event, but aim to spend about 30% of the time chatting with him. If your target is someone who you dont know well, consider moving a tiny bit closer than usual. Proximity is a tricky thing to gauge. If you even have the slightest inkling that you may be acting creepy by getting too close to a target, back off to establish a clear distance. Try this once or twice and then wait for the other person to close the gap. One way to test how your target feels about proximity is to lean in when you make an important point. Tilt your head and shoulders forward, as if youre going to reveal a secret. Take notice of how your target reacts. If he leans in to match your posture, hes probably getting more comfortable with your proximity. If he keeps his original stance, back off a bit. Eye Contact The oldest trick besides a firm handshake? Maintain eye contact when your target is speaking. It is incredibly rude to let your gaze wander the room, and yet were all guilty of letting shiny objects distract us. Use the habit-forming tactics above to make sure that when youre speaking with a potential connection, youre giving the attention he deserves. Eye contact is dramatically different depending on whether youre speaking or listening. It is generally accepted that when you are speaking it is polite to glance away periodically. Your target will naturally do it too. Match the intensity of your eye contact with your targets, or show your interest by holding eye contact just a bit longer than

he does. The Touch Barrier Hopefully were all logical human beings with at least a modest reserve of morality. Just in case, Ill say it here: Dont sexually harass people. Its the anti-connection. Each of the tactics presented in this book is a tool for connection; it is your responsibility to use them skillfully and respectfully. Now that weve got that out of the way... The touch barrier is another name for that commonly accepted practice of not touching someone until you know him well. There are some exceptions, of course; handshakes for Anglos and kisses on the cheek for many Europeans. In general, people maintain the touch barrier until some level of emotional closeness has been achieved. How to know when emotional closeness has been achieved? Its ambiguous. Breaking down that barrier can show someone that you care. With a bit of practice, youll be able to use touch to prompt that level of closeness. If its appropriate, break the touch barrier in a culturally accepted way. Here are a few ideas that tend to be underrated: High-five people when they make a point that youre enthusiastic about. Its a way to highlight the most interesting things that they say, and (bonus) it encourages them to say interesting things more often. When youre emphasizing a point or trying to get the targets attention, place your hand on his arm, just above or below the elbow. If youre walking from one place to another, offer your arm. Gender doesnt really matter here. Make the gesture silly; exaggerate it, smile, or use an affected accent. Integrate these gestures slowly, moving past the touch barrier in a natural way. If done well, they will only serve to strengthen your relationships. Touch, eye contact, proximity, and all the other components of body language fall under the category of physical framing. You set the context whether its intentional or not with your appearance and your actions. Make sure that this physical framing creates a context where strong connections flourish. Verbal Cues Beyond the setting and physical framing in a certain situation, there is one final set of tools that can be used to set the context. Words can have a massive influence on how people choose to act in any situation. Even better, they are the most flexible tool that you have to frame a conversation. Luckily, there are several opportunities for verbally framing the direction of a conversation. Most people overlook these chances to connect as they move through their day-to-day routines, but it should be easy for you to adjust your words to facilitate deeper connections. Preparation As soon as you invite a guest to some activity, youve got an opportunity to frame his expectations. Asking someone to join you for white-water rafting? Your invite should be athletic and adventurous, and your target will likely project those characteristics, too. We already know that people connect over an adrenaline rush, so using verbal framing to emphasize excitement only enhances the adventure, and the connection.

Preparing someone to connect is effective only you can back up your claims. Over-exaggerating the wonderful features of your upcoming adventure might cause a letdown for your target later on (so a bold statement like, everyone is going to be best friends after tonight isnt a winner). Instead, stick with optimistic framing and back it up with concrete examples. Remember the section on validation? Use statements like, I think youll really get along with this crowd, because they also love philosophical conversations. More detail is better, because youre sneakily giving your target clues that will shape his behavior in this case hell arrive ready to talk philosophy. Preparation is about being explicit. Specific details provide conversation fodder, and also set expectations for your target. Be sure to include information on what the activity will be like, describe who will be there, and use adjectives to characterize the experience. Consider including: Directions to the event Purpose of the event A short description of everyone else who will be attending Colorful language to describe what you expect out of the activities This level of detail shows that youve thought through the activity from your targets perspective, and he will grow to trust your judgment. Beyond building a sense of trust, your preparation gives cues about how to behave during the event, which most people will gladly act on. The way that you prepare a target for a specific event will shape his behavior.

Assignment: Invitation
Invitations are all about framing. When done right, they put your target in the mindset for connecting, even before the event get started. Behavioral psychologists call this priming (think of Pavlovs dogs). First, select someone who youve been meaning to connect (or reconnect) with. Decide on the type of interaction that youd like to have with that person. This can range from a thoughtful conversation about family to a rock-climbing trip. If youre stuck, think back to some of the best times that youve had connecting with your target in the past, and build from there. Choose a place and time based on the type of interaction that youre aiming for. If youre aiming for thoughtful, choose a coffee shop. If youd like a dance party, choose a club with your targets favorite music. Last, invite your target by suggesting the specific time and activity, and be clear about why you made those choices. Here are some examples: Remember the time when Ive been meaning to ask you about Ive been dying to try It would mean a lot to me if we went together to... The phrases catch up and grab coffee are illegal in this invite. The agents used this assignment to forge deep connections with friends and family. Some even managed to bring together group, creating friendshops among people who would have otherise never met.

Field Notes Agent PRK, San Francisco: Instead of describing the event, heres the actual invite that I sent to 12 friends: Dear friends, 18 Reasons is a community space in San Francisco that brings people together to deepen our relationship to food and each other. It is one of my favorite places to volunteer and be a part of the community. Whenever I walk in the door, I can always expect a big hug from Rosie or Olivia (the organization is run by two staff and a crew of awesome volunteers). It is also my favorite place to meet a friend on a Thursday evening, when the space is converted into a warm, candle-lit tapas bar with live music by local musicians. Recently, I was able to fundraise for 18 Reasons youth program, and in return they offered a private dinner

for 10 cooked by Bi-Rite Markets owner, Sam! Isnt that a sweet way for them to say thank you? At the same time, I have them to thank for putting on such crucial (and fun!) programs for both city folks and youth in the area. Personally, they helped me find a sense of belonging in the city. You know how much I love food and community, and at 18 Reasons, everyone feels the same way. In the spirit of gratitude, Sam is going to put together a Thanksgiving dinner for all you beautiful food lovers. Delicious dinner courses and wine pairings. Good people and conversations. I cant think of a better way to connect and celebrate. Please RSVP to me, and Ill send out more information when the date is near!

Everyone invited accepted the invitation. I then followed up by sending a short video that introduced all of the guests. The video had a photo of each person, and a little caption describing his or her interests. I was nervous prior to the gathering no one knew each other in advance but I kept getting separate emails saying how much people were looking forward to it. That night everyone came early or on time, excited to meet each other and enjoy the new experience. It was the most successful gathering of strangers Ive ever had. Meaningful conversations, lots of laughter, and connections that will last. Game Day First impressions mean everything that counts for people, and for events. When your target arrives, you should be looking put together (see the section on physical framing), and attentive. Get off your phone, politely disengage from any other conversations that youre in, and greet him. For the next five minutes, pretend as if your target is the most important person in the world. Confidence is key, and a great way to show confidence is to be proactive. Suggest that you all take your drinks outside or order the food family style. Heck, suggest a ludicrous conversation topic. If everyone laughs or the group doesnt accept your suggestion, let it go. Youre showing confidence simply by offering the suggestion in the first place. Mission accomplished. Follow Through If you simply say goodnight and let your target go on his way, youve missed a powerful opportunity for connection. Memories fade, and people become distracted by the next email that pops into their inbox. Instead, follow up with a recap of the event. It doesnt matter if your recap manifests in the form of a call, email, text, or smoke signals. Whichever you choose, heres what to include: Inside jokes! Recall something funny that the whole group shared in during the event. Your target will remember the hilarity, giggle, and associate those positive feelings with your time together. Follow up. Surely there was at least one point during the event that someone mentioned, Hey, we

should Take the initiative by following up on the suggestion with your target. For example, if he mentioned that hes looking for a good gym, send over the research that you did last month. Questions. Now isnt the time to toss the advocacy / inquiry model to the dogs. Ask your target what he enjoyed (or didnt) about the event. Keep an eye out for body language that hints he is glossing over any kind of discomfort, and express firmly that youd like to hear his honest opinion. Your honest opinion. Point out the characteristics in your target that you admire, using authentic compliments. Or simply recap your favorite portions of the event. (For example, that conversation about parents was awesome thanks for being so candid.). Making a point to mention the highlights will reinforce this behavior, encouraging your target to engage in those interesting conversations more often. If youve been following along, youre probably picking up on a few themes. Verbal framing is more or less the same, regardless of wheher youre connecting with colleagues, friends, family, or a date. Set expectations, give authentic compliments, and show confidence; people will be drawn to you and willing to connect. Recap: Framing This collection of suggestions on framing may seem like individually small acts. It will take a little effort to remember each one, and how will you know if these tactics are even working? The answer: Its not about one single tactic (though it wouldnt be a bad idea to test them individually to figure out what works best for you). The collections of tiny behaviors that make up the art of framing are habits. While it may take a bit of effort up front to develop them, soon they will become second nature. Learn to highlight inside jokes. Re-make your wardrobe to reflect your personality. Exude confidence. These are the habits that build strong relationships. Modeling When humans connect, theyll naturally imitate the posture, gestures, and cadence of other people in the group. The best part about this knowledge? Your targets will naturally do it, too. That means we can shape the behavior of others by modeling; exhibiting those behaviors that wed like to see in others. People are best at mimicking emotions. When you smile, theyll smile. Even better, the more we like someone, the more we reflect their emotions. It becomes a positive feedback loopxxv. Dont believe me? Try it. Drop a unique word or phrase into conversation and see if you cant get someone else to pick it up. Advanced Move: The Plant Ready for an advanced move? A plant can be useful when youre connecting in a group setting; anything from drinks with a few college buddies to hosting a big conference. A plant is someone physically at the event who youve prepared to behave in a certain way. Here are two great and very different examples of when plants come in handy: In one example, pickup artists use plants (called pivots in PUA lingo) to create social validation. The PUA will arrive at an event with a pretty friend. The plant isnt interested in being picked up, and is happy to help the artist meet other women. She takes his arm, laughs at his jokes, and displays all of the warm behaviors that a PUA

is looking for in his target. Once the pickup artist zeroes in on his target, the plant eases herself out of the group. In a more benign example, when I was planning conferences, I would plant friends in the audience who could make the discussion extra engaging. Regardless of how well we prepared the speakers, one or two would always fall flat. When that happened, Id send a quick text to the 5 friends asking them to think of an engaging question or two. A few minutes later, Id move the speaker to Q&A and my friends would launch a lively discussion. Using a plant is particularly helpful for encouraging behaviors that are a stretch for your target. It involves bringing out the big guns. For tough cases, it might just do the trick. In order to make it a success, start by making it extremely clear what the behavior is that youd like your target to engage in. Perhaps your otherwise competitive boyfriend refuses to exercise. Or maybe your mother is shy about discussing her childhood. Whatever it is, make sure that you know the exact behavior that youre aiming for. Write it down. Next, do a quick brainstorm on who is great at that same behavior. Maybe you have some colleagues who are training for a marathon, or a friend whose mother wont quit talking about her hometown. This is a brainstorm, so jot down all of the options. Third, pare down the options to one or two plants that youd like to set up. To select the best plant, choose someone who your target both admires and is comfortable with. The target and the plant dont need to know each other personally, but there must be enough mutual respect that your target will want to imitate the plants behavior. Finally, set it up. Use your best framing to invite the plant and the target out together. Depending on the situation, you likely wont need to let the plant in on your secret setup. Because he naturally behaves in the way that youd like, just mention in your invite how you cant want to hear about his recent marathon times. Organizing a plant is often an advanced move that involves putting your other connecting skills to the test. As always, youll get the best results by showing your genuine interest in connecting with both the plant and the target. Recap: Context There are a ton of small tactics that add up to one big context of a connection. They come in three flavors: setting, framing, and modeling. Each has the power to completely change the nature of a connection. Try a few of your favorites, and see if your target begins to open up.

Chapter 7: Conclusion
There is a plethora of ways to foster meaningful connections, but most people ignore them. The average 20-something will wander through life thinking that friendships are built on luck and hers probably are. However, weve learned that connection does not have to be random. What previously seemed like fate is actually a pattern of human interactions. Now that you understand the pattern, you can change it. You can direct conversations and relationships where you want them to go. You know how to speed up the process of connecting. You can leverage your connections with others to become a happier person. There are hundreds of opportunities to build stronger relationships, and now you know how to make each of them count. Leverage your words and actions at the right inflection point, and it is possible to build a close friendship in just a few days. In the previous chapters of this book we examined multiple tactics for building stronger connections with friends and family. Thats all well and good, but should you run around using all of these tools on everyone? (Please dont. That would be exhausting.) Instead of connection-on-overdrive, youll get better results by being precise. How do you know which tactics to use, and when? The Connection Trajectory Imagine a relationship developing along a common trajectory. Heres an example. You first meet someone at a group gathering. You make a good impression, and visa versa. Perhaps you run into your new friend at a second event. The two of you chat about whats happened in the interim. Each of these interactions becomes an inflection point along this trajectory. Each point is a crucial juncture where you have the power to significantly build the relationship. Or not.

When you make the choice to use these connection tactics, your relationships will move into the higher trajectory. Youll skip steps. Youll get to the good stuff without having to wade through a series of dull conversations. And youll come back to your favorite topics again and again. Back to our example of the new friend who youve just run into at a second event; this is an inflection point. It is possible to bump into her several more times before strengthening the connection. Each conversation will be a repeat; the topic focused on whats happened in the time since you last ran into each other. It could be months or years of casual conversations before you talk about anything substantive. Shell turn into an acquaintance. Or you could choose to connect. Skipping those inane party conversations, you invite her to coffee or for a hike. You ask her a few questions that focus on the deep and meaningful. You learn something new. The next time you hang out, you decide to join the same kickball team. The two of you begin to talk regularly at games, and soon youre being invited to birthday parties and Saturday night dinners. You decide to travel together to Brazil. Soon youve got a best friend on your hands. Congratulations. This trajectory is chock full of inflection points. At each of them, you can choose to connect. You now have the skills to build meaningful relationships, fast.

Being Selective The version of the timeline above includes some very specific examples, but these can be translated into general tactics for each stage of the process. Mind you, they are only suggestions. Connecting is a fluid process, because relationships are fuzzy around the edges. Speaking of relationships, our two categories of acquaintance and BFF dont exactly cover the whole spectrum. This trajectory diagram is clearly theoretical, so lets imagine that colleagues, college roommates, and oh yes family members will fall in somewhere along the spectrum. Heres the million-dollar question: How do we move a connection from one trajectory to another? Youll have to make the final call on what actions are appropriate, and when. Pick and choose from the tactics in this book and others that you design to create the greatest impact. With the right combination, youll be capable of switching trajectories with ease. Remember: It is possible to make a best friend in just five days. You now have the power to do just that. How will you use it?

Its Not Actually Linear (Sorry) Okay, the trajectory diagram can be deceptive. As youve discovered, relationships dont follow a set course. Some relationships will loop around and others will drop off, and still others will move in all sorts of crazy patterns. When is the last time you had a meaningful conversation with your mom? How many times have you lost touch with a friend from middle school, only to see her years later and become even closer? Dont let the ambiguity get you down. The trajectory diagram is just a way to categorize different stages of a relationship. If you hit a trouble spot and feel lost on what to do next, come back to the trajectory to have a look at your options. This book has all of the tools that you need to: 1. Quickly identify the people you would like to build stronger relationships with. 2. Move your connections to different trajectories, quickly, and with just a little effort. 3. Reconnect with people who used to be at the higher levels, but havent been rocking the meaningful conversations lately. Letting Go When youre struggling, first check that this is a relationship youd like to continue building. At times, the honest answer will be that its not worth it. Not all relationships are created equal. If you decide to move on, dont waste

time. Im not saying that you need to break up with friends who arent working out. Rather, dont spend your valuable connection energies pushing someone who isnt responsive (or isnt adding what you need). Fading friendships are a natural part of life. Let them go. Mapping Why not map it out? Make a list of the top 20 people who you would like to build stronger connections with. Include everyone from the interesting girl you met at a party to family members. Now, where does each person fall on the trajectory? How will you get each of them to the next stage? Choose the top three and send them an invite. Do it now. Recap: The Connection Agency Outside of summer camp or college (or church), there are very few places in which friends come ready-made. Instead of the fulfilling social life depicted in Friends, many of us go home alone to frozen dinners and nights in front of the TV. Most people feel powerless to build stronger friendships. They fall into the trap of going about their day-to-day lives, waiting for a great connection to happen, and failing to connect with anyone. Thats the opposite of fulfilling. By contrast, you now know how to build meaningful connections, fast. Using the tactics in this book will take a little practice and patience. Building strong relationships takes effort. Consider it an investment. Using the tactics in this book will enrich your life. You will have more friends in your city. You will rekindle fantastic conversations with old friends. You will grow closer to your mom. You will build relationships with your co-workers, maybe youll even get promoted. You might even get a few dates. Youre now equipped to go out there and build your own tribe of close connections. The process will take time, but its worth it. Remember, your happiness depends on it. *** Congratulations! You have now become an agent in The Connection Agency. Keep the rest of us posted on your progress, your successes, and any challenges you encounter in the field. Share your stories! FB: www.facebook.com/TheConnectionAgency Email: fieldnotes@connection-agency.com Online: www.connection-agency.com

About the Author


Sarah Bishop spent three years as the Fellowship Director for an innovative organization called StartingBloc. There she learned the secrets of how people can actively form authentic connections. It was an accident that she managed to enrich her own life in the process. Sarah is now reading for an MBA at London Business School. She spends most of her time learning about decision trees, and exploring the world with her classmates. Its a good life.

Endnotes
i

ii

iii iv

vi vii

viii

ix

xi xii

xiii

xiv

xv

xvi

xvii xviii

xix

xx

xxi

xxii

xxiii

xxiv

Mischel, Walter; Peake, Philip K. (1982). Beyond dj vu in the search for cross-situational consistency. Psychological Review. 89 (6), 730-755. Jonathan Haidt (2006). The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom. New York: Basic Books. 320. Based on an amalgamation of several clever diagrams found on the internet. Alessandra, T. (2013). The Platinum Rule. Available: http://www.alessandra.com/abouttony/aboutpr.asp. Last accessed 15 Jan 2013. Matz, D. C. & Wood, W. (2005). Cognitive Dissonance in Groups: The Consequences of Disagreement. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Vol 88(1), 22-37. ibid Meyers, S & Gilbert, K. (2011). The Secret Behind Who Is Sexy. Available: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201105/the-secret-behind-who-is-sexy. Last accessed 15 Jan 2013. Brown, B. (2010). The power of vulnerability. Available: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_ vulnerability.html. Last accessed 15 Jan 2013. Rowan, D. (2011). How to find true friends (and love) in 45 minutes. Available: http://www.wired.co.uk/ news/archive/2011-11/08/how-to-find-love-in-45-mins?page=all. Last accessed 15 Jan 2013. Dutton, D & Aron, A. (1974). Some Evidence for Heightened Sexual Attraction Under Conditions of High Anxiety. Journal of Personal and Social Psychology. 30 (4), 510-517. Keith, A (1949). A New Theory of Human Evolution. New York: The Philosophical Library, Inc.. 46-53. McLeod, S. (2008). Robbers Cave. Available: http://www.simplypsychology.org/robbers-cave.html. Last accessed 15 Jan 2013. Klohnen, E. C. & Luo, S. (2003). Interpersonal Attraction and Personality: What Is Attractive - Self Similarity, Ideal Similarity, Complementarity, or Attachment Security? . Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 85 (4), 709-722. Casnocha, B. (2012). You Learn From People Who Mostly Agree With You. Available: http://casnocha. com/2012/10/you-learn-from-people-who-mostly-agree-with-you.html. Last accessed 15 Jan 2013. Paharia, N., Keinan, A., Avery, J., & Schor, J. . (2010). The Underdog Effect: The Marketing of Disadvantage and Determination though Brand Biography. Journal of Consumer Research. 37, 775-790. Patterson, K., Grenny, J., Mcmillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2002). Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High. United States of America: McGraw-Hill. 17-44. Ambrose, S. (2001). Band of Brothers. 2nd ed. London: Simon & Schuster UK Ltd. 15-166. Wansink, B (2010). Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think. United States of America: Bantam. 57-76. International Association for the Study of Lung Cancer (2010). Lung cancer patients with optimistic attitudes have longer survival, study finds. ScienceDaily. http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/03/100303131656.htm. Last accessed 15 Jan 2013. Strauss, N (2005). The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists. New York: HarperCollins. 1-50. Barger, B. & Grandey, A. (2006). Service With A Smile and Encounter Satisfaction: Emotional Contagion and Appraisal Mechanisms. Academy of Management Journal. 49(6) 1229-1238. Gutman, R. (2011). The hidden power of smiling. Available: http://www.ted.com/talks/ron_gutman_the_ hidden_power_of_smiling.html. Last accessed 15 Jan 2013. Ritchie, J. B. & Carlson, T. (2010). Mirror Mirror, on the wall, is that even my hand at all? Changes in the afterimage of ones reflection in a mirror in response to bodily movement. Neuropsychologia. 48(1). 1495-1500. Goodfriend, W. (2009). Proximity and Attraction. Available: http://www.omnilogos.com/2011/05/05/

xxv

proximity-and-attraction/. Last accessed 15 Jan 2013. Moody, E. J., McIntosh, D. N., Mann, L. J., & Weisser, K. R. (2007). More Than Mere Mimicry? The Influence of Emotion on Rapid Facial Reactions to Faces. Emotion, 7(2). 447-457.

Extra Resources
Sarahs Disclaimer: I cant actually do anything about your life. You can. These are great books that have helped me, or my close friends, to find direction in life and conquer fear. Everyone is different take what works for you and ditch the rest. On Figuring Out your Life The 4-hr Workweek by Tim Ferriss Start-up of You by Reid Hoffman Drive by Daniel Pink Mans Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr

On Gaining Confidence (and Smashing Fear) The War of Art by Steven Presscield The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks The Flinch by Julien Smith Spark by Jason Jaggard

Potrebbero piacerti anche