Close Relationships: A Sourcebook

Emotion in Close Relationships

Contributors: Clyde Hendrick & Susan S. Hendrick Print Pub. Date: 2000 Online Pub. Date: May 31, 2012 Print ISBN: 9780761916055 Online ISBN: 9781452220437 DOI: 10.4135/9781452220437 Print pages: 171-184 This PDF has been generated from SAGE Knowledge. Please note that the pagination of the online version will vary from the pagination of the print book.

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10.4135/9781452220437 [p. 171 ]

Chapter 13: Emotion in Close Relationships

Laura K. Guerrero Peter A. Andersen Humans experience a wide range of emotions within their relationships. As Bowlby (1979) maintained, people feel emotion most intensely when they are developing, maintaining, renewing, disrupting, or terminating close relational bonds with others. Similarly, Oatley and Johnson-Laird (1987) contended that most emotions of interest to humans occur in the course of relationships with others (p. 41). Andersen and Guerrero (1998b) extended this argument by proposing that interpersonal communication is the primary elicitor of most emotions. In this chapter, we explore some of the emotional experiences that occur within close relationships. First, we discuss four clusters of emotionaffectionate, selfconscious, melancholic, and hostile groups of emotionsthat often surface in response to interaction with others. Next, we examine the role that emotion plays as relationships are developed, maintained, and terminated.

The Social Emotions

Emotions arise when people have a positive or negative affective reaction to an environmental stimulus, which can include the behaviors of another person. In addition to affect, emotions often are characterized by cognitive appraisal, physiological reaction, and behavioral tendencies (Frijda, 1986; Guerrero, Andersen, & Trost, 1998; Scherer, 1994). Most positive and negative emotional experiences occur within the context of close relationships (Bowlby, 1979; DeRivera, 1984; Schwartz & Shaver, 1987). This is not to say that emotions always occur in social contexts. Sometimes, individuals
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experience emotion when they are alone, but more typically, people experience emotion as a result of interacting with others (Andersen & Guerrero, 1998b). Some emotions, however, are more social than others. We group emotions into four [p. 172 ] broad interpersonal categories: affectionate, self-conscious, melancholic, and hostile. Among the affectionate emotions, love, passion, and interpersonal warmth are highly social because they typically are directed toward a person. The self-conscious emotions, which include embarrassment, shame, guilt, and pride, are highly social because they tend to occur in public or interpersonal contexts. Among the melancholic emotions, loneliness and grief are especially social in that they usually stem from the absence of desired relational bonds. Finally, the hostile emotions, which include anger, hate, jealousy, envy, and hurt, all are highly social. These four clusters of emotions are embedded within social contexts and help shape and define the nature of close relationships.

Affectionate Emotions
These emotions, which evolved in humans within the context of social interaction (Dillard, 1998), provided group members with important signs of interpersonal connection and security that enhanced cooperativeness and increased the group's survival advantage. The affectionate emotions also help people to form attachments and close dyadic bonds. When people feel love, they have an intense desire to maintain close relationships with loved ones (Aron & Aron, 1991; Shaver, Morgan, & Wu, 1996). In fact, Taraban, Hendrick, and Hendrick (1998) claimed that love plays a central role in the day-to-day lives of every person who has or desires a close relationship with another (p. 332). When Schwartz and Shaver (1987) asked people to describe emotional experiences and their antecedents, they found that 100% of the people who reported experiencing love referenced relationships with other persons. Clearly, love is a social emotion that is commonly directed toward another person and is catalytic in developing and maintaining close interpersonal bonds.

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Passion sometimes is conceptualized as part of love (Sternberg, 1987), although evidence suggests that many people view passion as a distinct emotion. In Shaver, Schwartz, Kirson, and O'Connor's (1987) work on the prototypical knowledge of emotion, both passion and love made the list of top 10 emotion words. Perhaps the ultimate passionate experience is sexual arousal and orgasm; in fact, some people view passion and sex, including sexual desire, synonymously. Research has shown that most sexually active college students define sexual desire as a motivational state, and many students also define it as an emotional state or part of an emotional syndrome (Regan & Berscheid, 1996). Indeed, sexual desire often comprises a unique configuration of emotions including love, happiness, loneliness, jealousy, and guilt. Interpersonal warmth has not appeared on the classic lists of human emotions, but considerable evidence suggests that it is a common emotional experience during interpersonal interaction (Andersen & Guerrero, 1998a). Interpersonal warmth includes pleasant, contented, and intimate feelings that occur during interactions with friends, romantic partners, colleagues, and family. Although English, unlike some other languages, does not have a single term with which to describe this emotion, words such as warmth, intimacy, closeness, attachment, validation, and bondedness all come close. Although feelings of warmth can occur in a cozy home setting while listening to music alone, these feelings typically occur in interpersonal contexts such as cuddling with loved ones and talking with friends after dinner. Joy is a feeling of intense happiness that often is elicited by receiving praise from others or by being the object of love, affection, or admiration (Schwartz & Shaver, 1987). In fact, in Schwartz and Shaver's (1987) account, 40% of the people who reported experiencing joy did so within the context of relationships. Many other participants reported experiencing joy in the context of more general interactions with others. Thus, although joy might not be as highly social as the other affectionate emotions reviewed in this section, it often is elicited by interpersonal interaction. [p. 173 ] Moreover, when individuals experience happiness, they almost always express their feelings of joy to other people (Rim, Mesquita, Philippot, & Boca, 1991).

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Self-Conscious Emotions
The self-conscious emotions of embarrassment, shame, guilt, and pride (Fischer & Tangney, 1995) are intensely self-focused, but they also are about one's relationships with others (Barrett, 1995). The resulting behaviors that accompany these emotions are mainly interpersonally focused (Tangney, 1995), producing responses such as apologizing, making excuses, and giving justifications (Fischer & Tangney, 1995; Vangelisti & Sprague, 1998). When people receive unwanted attention associated with a faux pas (Andersen & Guerrero, 1998b), an unfavorable presentation (Bradford & Petronio, 1998), or excessive praise (Miller & Leary, 1992), they often are embarrassed. Embarrassment is one of the most social and self-conscious emotions because it requires others as interactive partners or as evaluative observers (Miller, 1995, p. 323). People also can become embarrassed by their partners behaviors, and sometimes people even strategically embarrass others (Bradford & Petronio, 1998), which underscores the interpersonal nature of the emotion. When people perceive themselves to be inferior to others, have committed relational transgressions, or have lost face, they often feel shame (Andersen & Guerrero, 1998b; Ferguson & Stegge, 1995). According to Ferguson and Stegge (1995), shame is a dejection-based emotion encompassing feelings of helplessness, sadness, and depression but also anger. In shame, there is a greater focus on other people's opinions of the self, accompanied by a sense of being exposed and observed (p. 176). Shame is different from embarrassment in that it is a more global and enduring emotional state. Although shame can induce interpersonal aggression, it typically motivates avoidance (Tangney, 1995) because people want to avoid the painful, relationally induced feelings that accompany shame. When people feel that they have been unjustly hurt or injured or have failed to help someone, they often experience guilt (Vangelisti & Sprague, 1998). Several scholars have made the case that the primary function of guilt is to maintain positive interpersonal relationships (Andersen & Guerrero, 1998b; Baumeister, Stillwell, & Heatherton, 1994). The classic guilt-inducing situations are relationalinfidelity, being
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overbenefited, stealing or failing to share resources in a relationship, interpersonal deception, and violations of trust (Andersen & Guerrero, 1998b; Metts, 1994). The primary communicative outcomes of guilt also are relationalreparations, confessions, apologies, excuses, promises, and remorseful behaviors, all of which are designed to repair important relationships (Vangelisti & Sprague, 1998). Pride is one of the most social emotions (Barrett, 1995) because it typically occurs when people believe that they are responsible for socially valued outcomes or are socially valued themselves (Mascolo & Fisher, 1995). Interestingly, one's greatest accomplishments rarely are the source of pride until they are recognized and valued by relationally significant others (Andersen & Guerrero, 1998b). Although pride is a personally gratifying and uplifting emotion, too much pride can create rivalry, resentment, or envy. Kitayama, Markus, and Matsumoto (1995) labeled pride as one of the positive disengaged emotions that is inherently self-conscious but not necessarily relationally other conscious (p. 444).

Melancholic Emotions
Melancholic emotions typically are experienced as negative affective states that are related to low levels of arousal and can be experienced with either low or high intensity (Guerrero et al., 1998). Within interpersonal relationships, these emotions usually are experienced due to relational loss (through [p. 174 ] breakup or death) or the inability to develop and maintain close relationships. Although sadness usually is not considered one of the most social emotions, Schwartz and Shaver (1987) found that 90% of respondents who reported experiencing sadness referenced relationship issues as the cause of their negative affect. Sadness frequently is elicited by events such as rejection by others, separation from friends or family, death or illness of loved ones, and breakups of close or potentially close relationships (Schwartz & Shaver, 1987; Shaver et al., 1987). Feelings of grief and loneliness often accompany these events. Similarly, depression, which generally is more stable and intense than sadness, frequently is rooted in interpersonal interaction (see Chapter 25 by Beach and O'Mahen, this volume). Depressed people tend to have poor interpersonal relationships and lack social skills, and this keeps them isolated from
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others and creates a spiral with depression as both a cause and an effect of relational distress (Segrin, 1998). According to Plutchik (1984), grief is a form of extreme sadness that is most commonly associated with relational loss (Andersen & Guerrero, 1998b; Horowitz, 1991). In fact, the death of a close friend or family member is the primary antecedent of extreme sadness approximately 20% of the time in European and North American cultures (Scherer & Wallbott, 1994; Scherer, Wallbott, Matsumoto, & Kudoh, 1988). Grief, however, is more than relational sadness in that it often contains or is associated with other emotions, such as anger and guilt (Stearns, 1993), as well as a preoccupation with thoughts about a loved one. Loneliness is a melancholic emotion that arises from a discrepancy between one's desired and achieved levels of social contact (Segrin, 1998). Thus, not all lonely people have small social networks; some have many friends and acquaintances but do not feel close to anyone in particular. Rubenstein and Shaver (1982) discussed five main reasons for loneliness, all of which have their roots in reduced social and relational contacts: lack of attachment (having no close relational partner), alienation (feeling socially isolated, misunderstood, and/or unneeded), lack of contact with people (being alone all day or night), forced isolation (being stuck in the house or hospital), and dislocation (living far away from loved ones or having to travel often).

Hostile Emotions
People's most positive and negative emotions usually occur within their relationships. Ironically, the closer people are, the more able they are to push one another's buttons and generate intense negative affect. The hostile emotions that are particularly social occur when people feel hurt or threatened by relational partners. People experience anger due to unfortunate circumstances or bad luck, but the primary site of anger is in troubling interpersonal relationships. Schwartz and Shaver (1987) found that 91% of respondents who experienced anger reported that it occurred within relationships, with being insulted by a relational partner described as a very common anger-eliciting event. Canary, Spitzberg, and Semic (1998) listed the primary causes
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of anger as including identity threats posed in interpersonal relationships, interpersonal aggression, physical or verbal attacks, and relationship threats such as unfaithful or disloyal behavior. In these situations, being able to express anger calmly, rather than inhibiting anger or resorting to aggression, is an important relational skill (Guerrero, 1994). Hate, one of the darkest of the social emotions, is an inherently interpersonal emotion because it usually is directed at another individual or group. One of the most common sources of hate is the belief that another person has caused one great personal harm (Fitness & Fletcher, 1993). Because relational partners often are highly interdependent, the greatest perceptions of harm are likely to occur in the context of close relationships (Berscheid, 1983). However, hate also can be an irrational emotion directed at strangers or [p. 175 ] acquaintances because they belong to particular social, national, or ethnic groups. Jealousy is one of the most social emotions because it almost always takes place in the context of close relationships. White and Mullen (1989) defined jealousy as a complex of thoughts, emotions, and actions that follows loss of or threat to self-esteem and/ or the existence or quality of the romantic relationship. The perceived loss or threat is generated by the perception of a real or potential romantic attraction between one's partner and a (perhaps) imaginary rival (p. 9). Romantic jealousy exists in a web of three relationships: one between the jealous person and her or his relational partner, one between the partner and a rival, and one between the jealous person and the rival. On balance, jealousy has more negative than positive effects on relationships (see Chapter 23 by Buunk & Dijkstra, this volume), although satisfaction can be enhanced if partners use constructive communication that is nonaccusatory and allows for the sincere expression of negative affect (Andersen, Eloy, Guerrero, & Spitzberg, 1995). Although envy is related to jealousy, it is a distinctly different and unique emotion. Parrott (1991) conceptualized envy as transpiring when a person lacks what another has and either desires it or wishes the other did not have it (p. 4). Envy, in contrast to jealousy, occurs when a person does not possess a valued commodity, position, characteristic, or relationship that another person possesses (Guerrero & Andersen, 1998). Envy always occurs in an interpersonal context in which a person desires

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something that another person has. It can be doubly interpersonal if one is envious of another person's relationship. Emotional hurt arises when people receive messages that lead them to feel strong negative affect or psychological injury. According to Vangelisti (1994b), a person feels hurt as a consequence of an interpersonal event, a word or deed, usually from a close individual whose opinion is valued. In fact, Vangelisti's research showed that when people were asked to describe a hurtful message, more than one third of the participants described messages that focused on relationship issues (e.g., Going out with you was the biggest mistake of my life). Hurtful messages also can lead to relational dissatisfaction and uncertainty, and they often require relational repair in the form of retractions, apologies, or expressions of guilt (Vangelisti & Sprague, 1998).

Emotions across Relationship Stages and Processes

As noted earlier, Bowlby (1979) contended that it is at relational junctures, such as the development of new relationships and the end of old relationships, that the most intense emotions occur. Close relationships provide the setting for a range and intensity of emotion unmatched by any other context (Berscheid, 1983, p. 131). In this section, we review principles related to emotional experiences at the beginning, middle, and end of relationships.

Initial Encounters
Starting new relationships is a wonderful and awful thing. During initial encounters, people often feel bright emotions such as passion, infatuation, warmth, anticipation, and joy. However, people also might feel anxiety, uncertainty, fear, envy, embarrassment, and other dark emotions. In this subsection, we summarize some of the research on emotions in initial encounters by examining three general principles. First, initial encounters are exciting, novel, uncertain, and unpredictable. Second, shyness and social anxiety can prevent people from approaching others and developing new
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relationships. Finally, during beginning relational stages, people tend to manage their negative emotions more carefully to make positive impressions. Excitement and novelty. New relationships are unpredictable novel situations. According [p. 176 ] to Berger (1997), unpredictable events give rise to arousal of the autonomic nervous system. This arousal then is subjectively experienced as positive or negative. Berger contended that it is the unpredictability involved during the early stages of romantic relationships that characterizes feeling of romantic love (p. 36). According to Berscheid (1983), when action sequences are interrupted and goals are hindered, negative emotions occur. By contrast, when such interruptions are consistent with one's goals or plans, positive emotions occur. New relationships are major interruptions in people's ongoing lives that might even impinge on other relationships. For example, people often complain that friends start spending less time with them when the friends are developing new romantic relationships. Arousal characterizes early stages of relationships. Berscheid (1983) stressed that as relational partners become more interdependent, they have more opportunity to facilitate or enhance one another's goals, and this leads to high potential for emotion. However, Berscheid also argued that emotional responses are contingent on the unexpected nature of the partner's behaviors. Thus, as relationships develop and people get to know one another better, they are likely to correctly anticipate one another's behaviors and to experience less emotion. This theory also helps to explain why on again/off again relationships are characterized by extreme emotional highs and lows. Because these relationships are uncertain and unstable, partners in these roller-coaster relationships often have difficulty in anticipating one another's behaviors. Stable relationships might produce less intense emotions, and this is both a plus and a minus. Feelings of fear, anxiety, and embarrassment might decline, but so might feelings of passion and joy. Of course, relational uncertainties brought about by events such as infidelity, illness, conflict, and pleasant surprises can introduce uncertainty and corresponding strong emotions at any stage of a relationship. Research on uncertainty reduction theory suggests that decreasing uncertainty during initial encounters leads to increased liking and attraction (Berger & Calabrese, 1975). People are uncomfortable with the high levels of uncertainty that typically characterize initial interactions. To reduce uncertainty, people exchange information, often via selfPage 10 of 21 Close Relationships: A Sourcebook: Emotion in Close Relationships SAGE knowledge

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disclosure. However, self-disclosure must reveal primarily positive information if it is to facilitate re lationship development. Finding out that someone is a liar, is always in a bad mood, or has values that are radically different from one's own is likely to decrease uncertainty while also decreasing liking and attraction. Thus, Sunnafrank (1986) suggested that a positive relationship exists between uncertainty reduction and liking only when people predict that future interaction will be rewarding. Social anxiety. Personality has a major effect on the emotions people experience in initial encounters. Extroverts and sensation seekers are likely to focus on the positive emotions (e.g., excitement, happiness, warmth, passion) experienced during first meetings, first dances, and first dates. By contrast, shy and introverted individuals are likely to focus on the negative feelings (e.g., anxiety, embarrassment) experienced as a result of approaching others and possibly being rejected. Very shy and apprehensive individuals show a classic pattern of self-consciousness, tension, and fear when approaching new people and new social situations (Andersen, 1999; Andersen & Guerrero, 1989). These uncomfortable emotions produce the withdrawal response, causing shy people to hide, avoid social situations, or minimize their presence. They stand and sit farther away, engage in less eye contact, and fail to fully participate in interaction. These individuals often desire close relationships, but the intensity of the negative emotion is too great, so they withdraw. Even when interacting with romantic partners, fearful individuals are likely to manifest withdrawal behavior such as less gaze, [p. 177 ] more backward lean, and less affectionate behavior (Guerrero, 1996). Shy people also tend to experience self-consciousness and reduced awareness (Andersen, 1999). The flood of self-conscious emotions overwhelms shy people, causing them to focus on negative emotional cues instead of the interpersonal situations. This, of course, produces a negative cycle: Anxiety leads to reduced social information, reduced information leads to incompetent interpersonal behavior, incompetent behavior produces negative partner reactions, and negative reactions in turn produce more anxiety. This intense emotional state turns cognitive resources inward, and according to Patterson (1995), As cognitive resources are invested in concerns other than the immediate interaction, fewer resources are available to attend and process information about the partner (p. 18). Whereas this process occurs to some degree in all of us, it overwhelms shy and communication-apprehensive individuals, making it harder for them to develop close relationships.
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The positivity bias. During initial stages of relationships, individuals usually are on their best behavior so that they can foster positive impressions. Therefore, they tend to hide any negative emotions they feel and instead put on happy and cheerful faces (Metts & Bowers, 1994). Because people in new relationships tend to put their best faces forward, they also are likely to see their relationships in particularly positive terms. For example, Hendrick and Hendrick (1988) showed that new lovers tend to see one another with rose-colored glasses (p. 161). Research shows that people manage negative emotion differently depending on relational stage (Aune, Aune, & Buller, 1994; Aune, Buller, & Aune, 1996). During early stages, people inhibit expressions of negative emotion, perceiving such expressions to be relatively inappropriate. During initial interactions, people expect others to display more positive emotion than negative emotion, and people who display higher than expected negative emotion tend to be perceived as deviant and unlikable (Sommers, 1984). Once people develop intimate relationships, the imperative to hide negative emotions is suspended (Metts & Bowers, 1994). During initial interactions, people's behavior typically is governed by rules of social politeness. In developed relationships, however, more idiosyncratic behavior emerges. As Metts and Bowers (1994) put it, Intimacy is, by definition, a state of openness and familiarity. It is the domain in which the prescription for positive emotion is suspended. In theory, a sign of intimacy is that individuals can feel and express negative emotion without incurring [negative] dispositional attributions (p. 535). Of course, as we discuss next, too much negativity can lead to dissatisfaction.

Maintaining Satisfying Relationships

Developing a close relationship often is a complex and difficult task, but maintaining a satisfying and intimate long-term relationship might be even more difficult (see Chapter 21 by Dindia, this volume). Research on relationship maintenance confirms the common-sense assumption that people are likely to stay together when their interactions are pleasant and happy rather than distressful and hostile (Canary & Stafford, 1994; Gottman, 1993; Gottman & Levenson, 1992). Researchers have yet to determine how specific patterns of emotional experience and expression are associated with relational maintenance, but research supports three principles. First, prosocial
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constructive behavior is related to relationship satisfaction and stability. Second, satisfied couples limit their use of behaviors leading to negative affect, especially when compared to their use of positive behaviors. Third, equitable relationships are characterized by more positive relational and emotional outcomes than are inequitable relationships. [p. 178 ] Prosocial constructive behaviors. Prosocial constructive behaviors are aimed at thwarting or solving problems and eliciting positive affect. One of the most popular typologies of prosocial constructive maintenance behaviors was proposed by Stafford and Canary (1991), who asked dating and married couples what they did to keep their relationships satisfying. Five primary maintenance strategies emerged. Positivity involves creating pleasant interaction including giving compliments, acting cheerful and optimistic, and accommodating the partner's wishes. Openness comprises talking and listening to one another via self-disclosure, relationship talk, and sharing secrets. Assurances occur when partners show commitment to one another and give each other social support; statements such as I love you and I'm here for you exemplify this category of maintenance behavior. Social networking refers to accepting and spending time with one another's social circles by engaging in activities such as going to family and work functions together and spending time with mutual friends. Finally, sharing tasks involves performing chores relevant to the relationship such as sharing household responsibilities. Several studies have confirmed that these five prosocial constructive behaviors are associated with positive relational outcomes such as satisfaction, liking, closeness, trust, and relational stability (Canary & Stafford, 1994). These associations all are positive, with one important exception: Too much openness can be detrimental in relationships (Baxter & Wilmot, 1985). Avoiding topics that cause conflict and avoiding topics that hurt the partner's feelings appear to be important maintenance strategies in their own right (Ayres, 1983; Dainton & Stafford, 1993). Thus, openness that leads to positive emotional experiences may be associated with relationship satisfaction and stability, whereas openness that leads to negative emotional experiences may be associated with dissatisfaction and instability. This contention, however, needs to be tested directly.
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Finally, it is important to note that it takes two people to enact positive communication. In Filsinger and Thoma's (1988) study, couples in which one partner was nice only when the other partner was nice (i.e., positive reciprocity) were more likely to separate 1 1/2, 2 1/2, and 5 years later than were couples whose patterns were not contingent on one partner being nice (see Chapter 18 by Burleson, Metts, & Kirch, this volume). It is important for the survival of a relationship to initiate positivity when the partner is sad, angry, or unexpressive as well as when the partner is happy. Limiting negativity. Even if couples engage in prosocial constructive behaviors, if they also engage in high levels of negative behaviors, then they are at risk for relational dissatisfaction and possible disengagement. Unfortunately, negative behaviors can be difficult to control, especially when people are feeling emotional distress. Rusbult, Drigotas, and Verette (1994) discussed how hard it is to break negative cycles during hostile interactions. People tend to reciprocate negative hurtful behaviors rather than accommodating the partner by responding to negative comments with positivity (see Chapter 19 by Canary & Messman, this volume). Gottman's work on conflict is especially helpful in understanding the destructive effects that negative emotion and behaviors can have on couples (Gottman, 1993, 1994a; Gottman & Levenson, 1992). Distressed couples often engage in a sequence of four highly destructive behaviors: complaining/criticizing, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These four messages typically produce high levels of negative affect. In fact, couples become defensive and withdraw because they are flooded by intense negative emotion. Interestingly, men and women might differ in terms of the specific types of negative emotions they express during conflict situations. Levenson and Gottman (1985) found that men tend to exhibit more anger and contempt, whereas women tend to show more sadness [p. 179 ] and fear. Gottman's work shows that happy couples tend to limit their use of complaining/criticizing, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. In fact, married couples should engage in at least a one-to-five ratio of negative-to-positive behaviors to maintain satisfaction (Gottman & Levenson, 1992). Happy couples also show less reciprocity of negative affect and destructive behaviors. This is not to say that conflict always should be avoided. If managed effectively, conflict helps relational partners to solve problems and understand one another better. Research has shown that conflict increases as dating relationships become more
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committed, perhaps because couples are less concerned with impression management, but that conflict rises to especially high levels when couples are contemplating breakups or already have decided to break up (Lloyd & Cate, 1985). There might be an optimal level of moderate conflict in a committed relationship beyond which the relationship is threatened. Equity and emotion. Equity theory has been used as a theoretical framework to explain why some couples are more satisfied with their relationships than are others. The theory also has been applied to relational maintenance (Canary & Stafford, 1992, 1993). According to this theory, people are happier and more committed to their relationships when the ratio between benefits and contributions is similar for both partners (Adams, 1965; Walster, Walster, & Berscheid, 1978). The key word here is ratio. Partners do not have to receive equal benefits (e.g., receiving the same amounts of love, care, and financial security) or make equal contributions (e.g., contributing the same amounts of effort, time, and financial resources) so long as the ratio between these benefits and contributions is similar. In inequitable relationships, one of the individuals is overbenefited and the other is underbenefited. Overbenefited individuals receive more benefits and/or make fewer contributions than do their partners so that the ratios between the partners are unbalanced. Under-benefited individuals, conversely, receive fewer benefits and/or make greater contributions than do their partners when the ratios between them are not balanced. When people are over-or underbenefited, they experience increases in distress as well as decreases in satisfaction and happiness (Walster, Walster, & Berscheid, 1978). Thus, keeping a relationship equitable is one key to relational maintenance. Some research even shows that couples in equitable relationships engage in more prosocial constructive behavior than do those in inequitable relationships (Canary & Stafford, 1992, 1993). Emotion is linked to equity theory in at least two ways. First, some of the most important benefits and contributions in close relationships are on an emotional level (Walster, Walster, & Berscheid, 1978). For example, being loved, experiencing intimacy and interpersonal warmth, and feeling proud of someone all are important relational benefits. Likewise, displaying love through social support and sacrifice are key relational contributions. On the other hand, feeling unloved and rejected are relational costs
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that are associated with dissatisfaction and distress. Second, emotion is a predicted outcome in equity theory. When a relationship is equitable, the theory predicts that couples will experience happiness. When a relationship is inequitable, the predicted outcome is distress. Walster, Walster, and Traupmann (1978) found that individuals who perceived their dating relationships to be equitable reported being happier and more content than did those who perceived their dating relationships to be inequitable. Furthermore, individuals who were underbenefited reported feeling the most anger, whereas women who were overbenefited reported feeling the most guilt. Sprecher (1986) found similar results, except that men were more likely than women to feel angry as a result of being underbenefited and that women often experienced sadness in response to being underbenefited. Of course, under-benefited individuals usually experience more [p. 180 ] intense distress than do overbenefited individuals (Austin & Walster, 1974), and some overbenefited individuals might be quite content with their relationships. In any case, one key to sustaining satisfying relationships appears to be balancing benefits and contributions so that both partners feel that they are treated equitably. If this balancing act is not achieved, then feelings of anger, sadness, and guilt are likely to pervade the emotional fabric of relationships.

Relational Endings
If, as Berscheid (1983) contended, emotions result from unexpected events and interruptions in goals and plans, then relational disengagement is perhaps the most emotional incident that humans experience. Long absences, relational separations, and deaths of loved ones are the most wrenching emotional experiences possible. Of course, sometimes leaving a bad relationship or watching one's child go off to college can bring relief, contentment, and even joy. Typically, however, negative emotions characterize relational disengagements. Thus, this subsection focuses on three principles. First, people typically experience a host of negative emotions after relational breakups, particularly when the breakups are unilateral. Second, people go through various emotional processes after the deaths of loved ones (see Chapter 26 by Harvey & Hansen, this volume). Third, people's relational expectations affect how much distress they will feel after relationships end.

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The emotional aftermath of breakups. Ending relationships usually is a difficult task that involves major personal and relational redefinitions and, of course, painful, hurtful, and emotional experiences. Baxter (1982) stated, The breaking up of a relationship is a phenomena known to most and dreaded by all. It accounts for some of our most intense and painful social experiences (p. 223). Similarly, Duck (1988) argued, There is very little pain on earth like the pain of a long-term personal relationship that is falling apart (p. 102). Negative emotions often are particularly intense when the decision to terminate the relationship is unilateral. In fact, after one-sided breakups, most people experience a host of negative emotions including anger, sadness, hurt, and grief (Kurdek, 1991b; Wilmot, Carbaugh, & Baxter, 1985). In Owen's (1993) study of relationship accounts, respondents described breakups as emotional injury, with statements such as He left a huge hole in my heart, My heart felt like a dartboard, and I was torn to shreds (pp. 270271). Counter to the stereotype that women are more emotionally vulnerable to breakups, research has found that men experience more emotional trauma after unwanted breakups than do women (Hill, Rubin, & Peplau, 1976), although studies have found that both sexes experience substantial emotional distress (Wilmot et al., 1985). Melancholic emotions commonly characterize relational loss. Whereas grief occurs following the deaths of loved ones, individuals also experience grief when long-term romantic relationships end. Grief is not only traumatic, it is largely involuntary, leaving the grieving person in a double state of distress. Sadness and grief can cause a set of passive behaviors including reduced social contact, immobilization (e.g., staying in bed all day), and excessive solitude (Guerrero & Reiter, 1998). Loneliness also is prevalent after relational loss. Research has shown that divorced and separated individuals tend to be lonelier than married individuals (Perlman & Peplau, 1981). Interestingly, however, when Perlman and Peplau (1981) compared people who never had been married to those who currently were married, there were no differences in loneliness. They concluded that loneliness was more a reaction to relational loss than a reaction to the absence of a relationship per se. Guilt also is a common emotion associated with relational breakups. Typically, persons who are disengaging feel the most guilt. Individuals [p. 181 ] often try to let others
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down easily because they are concerned with their partners feelings (Baxter, 1982). After all, the persons who are terminating the relationships cared (and in many cases still care) deeply for the partners. Sometimes, the dumped individuals feel guilty as well and feel that they are to blame for the breakups. Research has shown that any transgression that threatens, let alone destroys, relational bonds tends to produce guilt (Jones, Kugler, & Adams, 1995). The emotional aftermath of death. Emotions such as sadness, grief, loneliness, and guilt often occur when loved ones die. In her classic book, On Death and Dying, KublerRoss (1969) advanced a largely emotion-based model of how individuals cope with death. According to this model, when people lose loved ones, they go through five predictable stages: denial, anger/blame, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. During the first two stages, people block out and then express intense negative emotions. After a loved one suddenly dies, the initial response usually is denial, which often includes disbelief, shock, and a feeling of numbness. Emotions often are repressed during this stage. Soon, however, people experience anger and blame. Sometimes, there is a logical direction for blame such as a drunk driver, cigarette smoking, or a medical mistake. People might even blame themselves for the loss, and this can lead to intense feelings of guilt. The third phase, bargaining, involves promises to oneself, one's social network, or one's god about being a better person, trying harder, or living a more healthy life. The bargaining stage often is precipitated by feelings of guilt. Bargaining might seem cognitively based, but it really is an emotion-based strategy designed to alleviate negative feelings (e.g., guilt) and to give people hope. Before a person can accept the death of a loved one, sadness must be experienced. Thus, Kubler-Ross's (1969) fourth stage is depression. At this point, sadness, helplessness, grief, loneliness, and fear permeate one's life. Lopata (1969) found that widows tended to feel many loneliness-related emotions including longing to be with their husbands again, wanting to love and be loved by others, and fearing that they would not be able to make new friends. Dealing with depression paves the way for the final stage of acceptance. The only way in which to get beyond the death of a loved one is to accept the loss and move on with life. Eventually, people's intense negative
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emotions subside into a realization of the inevitable and a gentle feeling of going with the loss rather than fighting against it. Expectations and relational loss. Expectations are important throughout relationships. During the initial relational stages, people form expectancies to deal with uncertainty. Once relationships develop, it is important that partners meet or exceed one another's expectations if they are to experience happiness. Expectations also play a role during the disengagement process. When relationships end, unexpected and actual benefits might help to explain why people feel radically different levels of emotional distress (Berscheid, 1983). Unexpected benefits lead to high levels of emotion. Thus, individuals who are in unpredictable relationships that are full of growth and/or surprises feel high levels of emotional connection. Actual benefits, by contrast, refer to the level of benefits that occurs, regardless of whether expectations are met. Based on unexpected and actual benefits, Berscheid (1983) predicted that people could experience four different types of relationships, each characterized by different levels of emotional distress on breakup. In growth-oriented relationships, individuals receive high levels of both unexpected and overall benefits. If this type of relationship ends, then people should expect to feel a great deal of distress, and their expectations should come true; that is, they will feel considerable distress. In exciting relationships, individuals receive high levels of unexpected benefits, but their overall level of benefits actually is fairly low. For example, on again/off again or uncommitted [p. 182 ] relationships sometimes are exciting and emotion filled, but the actual benefits received from these types of relationships often are low because they are so unstable. Berscheid predicted that when this type of relationship ends, individuals will expect to feel considerable distress, but they actually will feel little distress. The opposite occurs in tranquil relationships, where the amount of unexpected benefits is low, but the overall benefit level is high. Because these relationships are emotionally stable, individuals in tranquil relationships do not expect to feel much distress when they break up. However, they soon miss all of the benefits that the relationship provided, and their distress is much greater than anticipated. Finally, in nothing relationships, people receive few unexpected or overall benefits. Thus, as expected, their levels of distress at breakup will be low. Clearly, it is easiest to walk away from this type of relationship.

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Practical Implications and Conclusions

In this chapter, we have shown that the experience and expression of emotion is an interpersonal phenomenon across the life span of relationships. Although numerous practical implications can be gleaned from the literature on emotion that we have reviewed, seven implications seem particularly important. First, relationships and emotions are inseparably intertwined. It is impossible to understand one without considering the other. Furthermore, it is normal to experience both positive and negative emotions in close relationships. Second, it is natural for relationships to become less novel and exciting after an initial honeymoon period. Rather than focusing on the loss of the initial excitement and the imperfections of their partners, people should try to insert new excitement into their relationships by being pleasingly unpredictable at times. Unexpected positive behaviors can increase emotional connections between relational partners. Third, chronic depression, loneliness, and social anxiety might prevent people from developing or maintaining long-term meaningful relationships. Individuals experiencing these phenomena often lack social skills. Thus, counseling focused on developing confidence and communication skills should be helpful. Fourth, it is normal for people to leave their best behaviors behind and to exhibit more negative affect and conflict behaviors once relationships have developed to a comfortable level. To maintain happy relationships, people should focus on using proactive constructive behaviors, avoiding messages such as complaining/criticizing, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as well as refraining from reciprocating negative affect. Fifth, when people are experiencing high levels of anger, guilt, or sadness in their relationships, they should determine whether the cause could be related to an imbalance in equity. Partners should try to be fair to one another and to distribute tasks equitably to ensure relational happiness.

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Sixth, when relationships end, due to either breakups or deaths, people should know that it is okay to feel bad or to feel a lack of emotion. People also should realize that healing is a slow process and that spending time engaged in enjoyable activities with friends can hasten the healing process. Seventh, goals and expectations are tied into emotional experiences. When people communicate their needs, goals, and expectations to one another clearly, they are more likely to have their goals and expectations met. When relational partners experience increased negative affect, it might be time to renegotiate relational expectations. Also, if people feel more distress than they expected to feel after a relational breakup, it might be a sign that they took one another for granted and that it could be worthwhile to try to save the relationship. As these implications suggest, expressing emotion effectively is one key to relational [p. 183 ] success. Emotions give relationships depth and spirit. They draw people to some individuals and repel people from others. Positive emotions create bonds of intimacy and closeness, whereas negative emotions tear people apart. At a more basic level, emotions and relationships both are essential to the human experience. To shut out emotion, people also must shut out communication with others. As Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel's famous song lyrics from I Am a Rock suggest, to feel no pain, people must act like rocks that cannot be moved, and to never cry, people must become islands by building deep and mighty fortresses. Instead, it might be better to take Alfred Tennyson's advice and live by the motto that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 10.4135/9781452220437.n13

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