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101 Things Not To Do At Hogwarts 1.

If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm. 2. I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz" when being sent to the Headmaster's office. 3. I will not play poker or bridge with Professor Trelawney's tarot deck. 4. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms." 5. I will not draw mustaches, glasses, scars, devil horns, or other paraphernalia on the paintings in Hogwarts while the subjects are sleeping. They do not find it amusing. 6. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter. -6b. Neither will I take one out on the new DADA teacher. 7. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit. 8. I will not change gravity on the Hogwarts grounds. My fellow students do not need to develop extra muscles and jumping into an orbit is not funny. 9. I am not the Wicked Witch of the West. -9b. Neither is Professor Umbridge. 10. I will not ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss. 11. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order "to see what happens." 12. I will not walk up to a Hufflepuff and ask if he/she is going to huff and puff and blow my house down. 13. I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley. -13b. Especially if it is offered with a compensation for any damages. 14. Hogwarts is not in the flight path of any Muggle airport, and Muggle airplanes cannot crash into Hogwarts. That being the case, there is no need to have first years standing on the spires of Hogwarts waving torches screaming "Go away, go away!" 15. I will not ask for advice from Peeves on how to wreak havoc. -15b. This goes for Fred and George, too. 16. Making rumors about Harry and Draco's secret love life is not funny and it will stop soon.(soon, not immediately haha)

17. I will not suggest to Fred and George that they invent and sell Anti-Anti-Cheating Charm quills. 18. I will not tell first years that the best way to study is to stay up all night balancing your textbook on your head, as gravity will cause the information to sink through the skull and into the brain. -18b. Having not done this, I will not stay up all night to laugh at said first years. 19. I will not point to Harry Potter's scar and ask if his Voldy senses are tingling. 20. I will not organize a Junior Death Eaters Training Camp at Hogwarts. I will not hand out medals for "Hexing Harry Potter," "Endangering a teacher's life by jinxing," or "Throwing a person from the Astronomy Tower." I will not send the latter to Professor Snape and make him an honorary member. 21. I will not add "according to the prophecy" at the end of all my sentences to raise my Divination grade. 22. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force." 23. I will not push Professor Flitwick from his stack of books claiming I need them for my studies. 24. I will not spike my best friend's pumpkin juice and tell him to go hit on Professor McGonagall. -24b. Or Professor Snape. 25. When asked a question by a teacher I will not inform them that the answer is protected by a Fidelius Charm and I am not the Secret Keeper. 26. I will not hiss at Harry Potter instead of talking. 27. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class. 28. I will not organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class. 29. I will not tell Oliver Wood that Quidditch as been permanently canceled. -29b. Having not done this, I will not tell him that it is Marcus Flint's fault. 30. I will not bewitch Percy Weasley's prefect badges to yell "I'm in love with myself!" every time it senses movement. 31. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form. 32. I will not sign up the Great Lake at Hogwarts for the Summer Olympics swimming competitions.

-32b. I will not take a hippogriff to the Summer Olympics to get an unfair advantage at the Equestrian competitions 33. I will not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor Tower is "Petrificus Totalus" and must be recited with their wands pointed at themselves. 34. I will not give a "Chosen by whom, actually?" shirt to Harry Potter for Christmas. 35. I will not refer to Aragog as "Charlotte." 36. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins. -36b. I should not test that. 37. I will not jump up and yell "VOLDERMORT, RUN!" in the middle of a D.A. meeting. 38. If Death Eaters attack Hogsmeade, I will not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Batmobile, Robin!" 39. I will not tell everyone that Draco Malfoy started the Hug A Muggle Campaign. 40. I will not use magic to change test questions into those I can answer. 41. I will not tell Ronald Weasley that his sister was caught snogging any of the following: 1) Draco Malfoy, 2) Any other Slytherin, 3) Michael Corner, 4) Any other Ravenclaw, 5) Zacharias Smith, 6) Any other Hufflepuff, 7) Neville Longbottom, 8) Any other Gryffindor. 42. Asking Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger "When's the wedding?" is only funny a few times. 43. I will not lock the Gryffindors and Slytherins in a room and take bets on who will come out alive. 44. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is. -44b. And Hermione Granger. 45. I will not dress in long black capes with hoods. Draco Malfoy tried this and almost peed his pants. I must learn from his experience. 46. I will not tell Professor Binns that he is dead and a) needs to move on, or b) get a life. 47. I will not change the speed of light to 30 mph and enjoy watching my fellow students and the teachers find out about the miracles of relativity. 48. I will not start a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, as it is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept. 49. I will not hand out shirts that say "Potter 6, Voldemort 0."

50. Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens. 51. I will not convince the first years that "Death Eaters" is the name for a cookery club specialized in experimental dishes. 52. I will not start a howler chain-letter saying "Your life will be cursed for seven years if you don't send this to 10 fellow students within 15 minutes." 53. I will not melt if water is poured over me. -53b. Neither will Professor Umbridge. 54. I will not bewitch my cauldron to change the freezing-point of water. I will not ask Professor Snape why my potion is freezing while the cauldron is heated. Nor will I point out that I doubted from the beginning that he would be able to sort that out for me. 55. I will not tell the first years on the Hogwarts Express that they have free choice of house if they swim over the lake. 56. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda. 57. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be. 58. Sneaking slugs into Ron Weasley's food is not funny. 59. I will not tell Professor Snape that we the student body have been discussing his role in unfortunate events involving the late headmaster and have deemed him a miserable and pathetic excuse of a human being. -59b. I will also not suggest that he isn't even human. 60. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it. 61. I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do in front of people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover. 62. I will not hang up a sign saying "Reserved for Draco Malfoy" at the girls' bathroom door. 63. I am not allowed to ask pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?" 64. I will not tell Dobby that Harry Potter's one greatest desire is for a pit bull named Ripper. 65. I will not tell Professor McGonagall about the great Muggle enhancer out there called botox.

-65b. I will not tell her that it would make those thin tight lips of hers into pouty bodacious things. -65c. I will not tell her that Professor Dumbledore would particularly enjoy looking at those pouty bodacious things. 66. "42" is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.s. -66b. Not even if the boy who's whispering this to you tells you he heard it from Hermione Granger herself. 67. I will not set Ravenclaws on the task of calculating the exact value of pi. 68. Getting the Sorting Hat drunk only makes his song funny the first time. 69. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists. 70. I will not ask Professor Flitwick how Santa Claus is doing. 71. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time. 72. I will not ink my owl's feet, have it walk across parchment, and sell the results as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it. 73. I will not change the speed of sound so that communication by owl is quicker than talking to each other. 74. I will not point out to Professor Sinistra that Astrology needs to be rewritten as Pluto is no longer a planet. 75. I will not encourage bungee jumping from the Astronomy Tower, nor do it myself, as it is disrespectful of Professor Dumbledore's memory. 76. I will not tell Gryffindor first years that sneaking into the Slytherin dormitory is a rite of passage to truly become a Gryffindor. 77. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense. -77b. Neither does Hermione Granger. 78. I will not tell Professor Snape he needs to go to his "Happy Place." 79. If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-De-Dee: The Voldemort Musical," I will do so under a nom-de-plume. 80. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my teacup says she's lying.

81. I will not imitate Steve Irwin while in Care of Magical Creatures class, even if I have the best fake Australian accent. 82. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams. 83. My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf." 84. Underwater broom riding does not distinguish the master from the layman. It is not required to become member of any Quidditch team. 85. I will not use Legilimency to get the right answers from my teachers. 86. I will not use Legilimency to get what my fellow students think are the right answers. -86b. This also pertains to Hermione Granger. 87. I will not psycho-analyze Professor Trelawney, as it clouds her Inner Eye. 88. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice. 89. I will not put a paper sign on Firenze's back saying "Pony Rides: 3 Sickles." 90. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology." 91. Neil Gaiman is not spying on us. 92. I will not point out to the house-elves how much sushi could be made of the giant squid. 93. I will not suggest that we read coffee beans in Divination instead of tea leaves for a bit of a change. 94. I will not tell the teachers that they cannot assign homework, as we do not actually go home during the school year to do it. 95. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date for the Yule Ball. 96. I will not make fun of Hufflepuffs because their house colors make them look like bees. 97. I will not use silencing charms on my Prefects. 98. I will not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Professor Snape's classroom. 99. I will not add a spoonful of sugar to each potion I make. Mary Poppins was not a brewer of potions.

100. Stealing first-years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the Whomping Willow is highly frowned upon. -100b. I am also not allowed to tell them that the Whomping Willow is inaccurately named and is actually a wonderful spot for peaceful reading. 101. I will not tell Harry Potter that he is fictional and that everything he has worked for is nothing more than a couple of best selling novels and loads of bad fanfiction. 67 Other Things Not to Do at Hogwarts: 1) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball. 2) I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office. 3) I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter. 4) I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick. 5) I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar. 6) I am not allowed to bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination. 7) I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after me lucky charms." 8) I am not allowed to start a betting pool on this years Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. It's taste-less, tacky, and not a good money-making strategy. 9) I am not allowed to joke about Remus' "time of the month." 10) I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand. 12) I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force." 13) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work." 14) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot. 15) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it. 16) I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive. 17) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast. 18) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day."

19) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways. 20) It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" Whenever Snape takes points away from Gryffindor. 21) I will not say the phrase, "Get a Life" to Voldemort. 22) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy. 23) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling. 24) I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-full." 25) I will not make, "OMGWTF" a spell. 26) It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate. 27) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways. 28) I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor shall I insist that their color's indicate that they're "covered in bees." 29) "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge. 30) I will not go to class skyclad. 31) I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "Told you I was Hard Core." 32) If a class-mate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm. 33) House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers. 34) I will not start every potion's class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion. 35) I will not call the Weasly twins, "bookends." 36) I will not call the Patil twins, "bookends." 37) I will not call the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak. 38) There is no such thing as a were-thylacine. 39) I will not give Luna Lovegood Coast-To-Coast AM transcripts. 40) Tricking a school House Elf to strip of it's clothing does not make it mine. Yes, even when I yell out "PWND!"

41) I do not weigh the same as a Duck. 42) I do not have a Dalek Patronus. 43) I will not lick Trevor. 44) Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey." 45) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween. 46) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself too seriously. 47) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions. 48) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet. 49) "To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not a career choice. 50) I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God. 51) I will not start singing and dancing in the middle of a class and blame that someone put the Imperious Curse on me. 52) Asking, "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and then walking away is only funny the first time. 53) The four houses are not the Morons, the Barons, the Smartelics, and the Junior Death Eaters 54) I will not tell Draco and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight. 55) I will not dress up in a dementor suit and use a dustbuster on Harry's lips to get him to do whatever I want. 56) I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT shirt to school. 57) I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles" 58) I will not jump up, yelling "VOLDEMORT, RUN!" in the middle of a Order of the Phoenix or DA meeting. 59) I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his "Happy place". 48) I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussy cat?" 60) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween. 61) Telling Slytherin first years that to enter their common room they must point their wands strait up and say, "Morsmordre" is just plain mean.

62) I will not under any circumstances ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss. 63) I will not enchant a scarecrow and suit of armor to skip through the halls singing, We're Off to See the Wizard. 64) However tempting it may be, I will not send Voldemort a Christmas card telling him how much we all love him, even through these difficult times. 65) A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or playing drums no matter how bored I become. 66) I will not use Slytherine and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations. 67) I must not point at Voldemort and say "I taught him everything he knows". 189 More Things Not To Do at Hogwarts 1) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss 2) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda 3) I will not give Hagrid Pokmon cards and convince him they're real animals 4) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches 5) When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Batmoblie, Robin!" 6) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental 7) I will not refer to the Weasley Twins as "bookends" 8) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book. 9) I will not hold my wand in the air before I casting spells shouting "I got the power!" 10) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs. 11) I will not slip Malfoy a Love Potion in his morning goblet of Pumpkin Juice. 12) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera. 13) I will not call Dumbledore "Santa Claus!" during the Christmas Holidays. 14) I will not put Muggle fairy book in the History section at the library. 15) I will not send Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas. 16) I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.

17) I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord. 18) I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snape's private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing. 19) I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it. 20)I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice. 21) I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro. 22) I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class. 23) The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid. 24.) I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets". 25) When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts. 26) Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either. 27) A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly. 28) Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy. 29) I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death. 30) I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord. 40.) Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny. 41) Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient. 42) Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists. 43) I may not have a private army. 44) I must not substitute chocolate-flavoured laxative for Professor Lupin's prescriptionstrength chocolate. 45) Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy. 46) I am not the wicked witch of the west.

47) -I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either. 48) I will not melt if water is poured over me. 49) -Neither will Professor Umbridge. 50) I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors. 51) I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose. 52) I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover. 53) I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them. 54) - Especially not all of them at once. 55) I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artifacts." 56) I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos." 57) Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'. 58) I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter. 59) When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'. 60) Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'. 61) The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smarts and the Junior Death Eaters. 62) Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not be improved by the introduction of Muggle firearms. 63) Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either. 64) I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins. 65) I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes. 66) I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.

67) I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'. 68) I will not create a betting pool that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father. 69) Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka. 70) Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles. 71) Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin". 72) I will not play the Imperial March theme for Professor Snape. 73) However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it. 74) If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume. 75) I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes. 76) I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either. 77) I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron. 78) I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times. 79) Its not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says "All The Good Looking Ones Die Young" with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it. 80) I will not yell "Hey look! Its Lord Voldemort!" at Hogsmeade 81) I will not tease Voldemort about the time he needed his pink flowery teddy bear to comfort him when he had that bad, bad nightmare about Harry 82) I will not charm a poster of Britney Spears on Draco's wall 83) I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. 84) I will not call Professor McGonagall McGoogles. 85) I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rocks series during Arithmancy exams. 86) There is no such thing as the chamber of Double Secret Probation.

87) My name is not the Dark Lord Happy-Pants I am not allowed to sign my papers as such. 88) Bringing fortune cookies to divination class does not count for extra credit. 89) I will not douse Harry Potters invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible while wearing it and standing by the fire in the common room. 90) I will not tell first years they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow. 91) I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks. 92) I will not give Gryffindors pixie sticks. 93) I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles. 94) A time turner is not a flux capacitator I should therefore not try to install it in a Muggle car. 95) I shall not refer to DADA professors as canaries in a coal mine. 96) When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June good vs. evil fight I will not lift my wand skyward and shout There can only be ONE. 97) A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or playing drums no matter how bored I become. 98) It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be. 99) 42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.S. 100) I am allowed to have a cat, rat, toad, or an owl. I am not allowed to have reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha. 101) No matter how good an Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class. 102) I will not refer to the Defense against the Dark arts professor as Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak. 103) Dumbledore is not Gandalf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts. 104) Do not confuse Aragorn, Eragon and Aragog. Ever. 105) I may not introduce Nagini to Indiana Jones. 106) Challenging Ron to a slug-eating contest is just mean. 107) Under no circumstances am I allowed to refer to Voldemort as "Baldy".

108) Even if he is. 109) I am not allowed to tell the first years to have a staring contest with the Basilisk. 110) I am prohibited from sprinkling glitter on Draco Malfoy, dying his hair, and call him Edward. 111) I am not allowed sell Mrs. O'Leary to Hagrid. 112) I will not give Professor Lupin a collar as a Christmas or birthday present. 113) Saying "I think I 'taw a puddytat!" every time I see Professor McGonagall is most certainly NOT allowed. 114) Offering Voldemort a colonial-era powdered wig (complete with ponytail) will not amuse him and I am not allowed to do so, even if he needs a new hair do. 115) I am not allowed to paint the school neon pink as the only person it will amuse is Professor Umbridge. 116) I must not introduce Voldemort to a psychiatrist as it is likely to result in him having a temper tantrum. 117) I am not allowed to introduce the Cullens to Professor Lupin. 118) I am not allowed to tease Professor Lupin about his 'time of the month'. 119) I shall not play match-maker for Voldemort on Valentine's Day because it will only make him cry when no one will go out with him because of his lack of hair. 120) I am not allowed to be a match-maker for Shelob and Aragog either. 121) I will not arrange a battle to the death between nine Hungarian Horntails and the Nazgul. 122) I will not scream, "HIS NAME IS EDWARD!" any time I hear the words Cedric Diggory. 123) I will not ask the centaurs if they know where Chiron is because I have found a demigod. 124) I will not shout at dinner times that Darth Sideous is Voldemort's uncle, even if they do look alike. 125) I shall not try to persuade everyone that Percy Weasley's true name is Percy Jackson and he slays monsters with a pen for a living. 126) I will not sing 'I'm a Survivour' after the Battle of Hogwarts.

127) No matter how fun it looks, I will not stand on a table and do the Macarena at the Yule Ball. 128) Professor Lupin is not the magical equivlant of Wolverine and I am not allowed to address him as such. 129) Even if I'm bored, I am not allowed to ask Snape what is the mysterious ticking noise. 130) I will not dye Harry's hair pink or give him brown contacts, just because I am sick of black-haired, green-eyed heroes. 131) Whether they owe me money or not, I am not allowed to sneak into Fred and George's dorm at the dead of night to die their hair blond, spike it unreasonably high, then call them John and Edward in the morning. 132) I will not send Voldemort white robes for Christmas and claim he changed his name to, "Voldy the White." 133) And when he wears them, I am not allowed to run around Hogsmeade screaming, "Ahhh! It's an albino dementor!" 134) It is not tasteful to send Professor McGonagall a scratching post for Christmas. 135) Bringing a magic eight ball to Divination class will only get Professor Trelawney annoyed at your, "Lack of Inner Eye." 136) To which I am not allowed to reply. 137) I will not refer to the Accio charm as 'The Force'. 138) Nor am I allowed to have lightsaber fights with my wand and make whoosing noises. 139) "Because they both need to wash their hair," is not proof Professor Snape and Aragorn are related. 140) There is also no proof that Gimli and Flitwick are related and I am stop asking Flitwick if he's been swimming with any hairy women lately. 141) Singing 'Hungry Like The Wolf' in Professor Lupin's class is not a way to get extra credit. 142) I am not allowed to write on the wall in the Gryffindor Common Room, "I know where you live" or "I stole all your underwear!" 143) I am not allowed to replace the Bludgers with peas, tomatoes, plums or anything that is not a Bludger. 144) Portable swamps are not funny.

145) And I will not set off the above in Snape's sleeping quarters. 146) Or in the Slytherin's bathrooms. 147) In fact, I am not allowed to even buy portable swamps. 148) Harry Potter is not a Son of Poseidon and saying this everytime I see him will only result in him filing a restraining order against me. 149) My patronus is not a Nazgul. 150) Neither is my animagus form. 151) "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice. 152) It still is not appropiate, even if I have subsituted the flying monkeys with gummy bears. 153) I will not levitate everywhere in a big pink bubble. 154) My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills. 155) No part of the school uniform is edible. 156) Nor am I allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible. 157) I will not try to take house points from the first years for "being too goddamned short". 158) Especially as I am in no position of authority and Dumbledore would have to be heavily drugged before he would ever make me a prefect. 159) I am not allowed to wear singing holiday-themed ties and claim that they are officially part of my uniform. Especially not during June. 160) Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'. 161) Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'. 162) I am not the reincarnation of Merlin. 163)I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it. 164) I am to attend astronomy class and should stop yelling that aliens will abduct me if I do. 165) Hogwarts does not require a karaoke machine.

166) No matter how much I would enjoy watching Harry sing, "Saturday Night." 167) "Defying my will" is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I should not tell that to the first-years. 168) I will not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent. 169) Nor am I to ask if he is Carlisle Cullen's evil, unfortunate-looking twin. 170) I will not start a rumor saying that Professor Snape sings "I'm too sexy for my robes" while showering. Or for that matter doing any other activity. 171) Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house is forbidden. The same applies to houses of Westeros 172) Voldemort does not wish to appear as the 'before' for a line of cosmetics. And no, he does not care how much money I make from it. 173) The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror". 174) Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is also inappropriate. 175) I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond. 176) I will not sprend rumors that Legolas Greenleaf is his second cousin either. 177) Luna Lovegood is NOT always on "physicidelic mushrooms" and I should stop implying that she is. 178) The same goes for Professor Trelawney. 179) I will not get a tattoo of a smiley face on my arm and claim that it is the new Dark Mark. 180) When signing to all of these rules, I am not allowed to write in red ink and say that the Cullens lent me some grizzly bear blood. 181) I will not set my robes on fire to get out of potions. 182) I should not be a sports' commentator for Ron and Hermione's arguments. 183) Hogwarts does not need a "This many days since Harry has almost died," sign. 184) I am not to start a civil rights movement to protect pranksters from punishment, even if Professor Dumbledore agrees to join. 185) I am not to tell Draco Malfoy that his father's real name is 'Luscious Mouthful', no matter how priceless his expression is. 186) It is most certainly looked down upon to sell tickets into the Chamber of Secrets.

187) Professor McGonagall would not appreciate me getting her a litter box for Christmas. 188) I am not to hide Easter eggs on Hagrid's roof, no matter how grassy it is. 189) Professor Lupin would not appreciate the heart worm medicine, no matter how much it cost me. Slytherin (The Junior Death Eaters): 1. We aren't all evil... yeah, we are. 2. Cunning and Ambition: Slytherin. 3. Go ahead, be a little naughty. 4. Slytherin: We have chained boys in the dungeons. 5. Slytherin: Because our common room is underwater (and that's cool) AND ITS TOTALLY AWESOME. 6. It's not that we aren't better than you (except it totally is). 7. Why be normal? Or good? 8. We are Junior Death Eaters. Deal with it. 9. Slytherin: means never having to say you're sorry. 10. Seriously evil wizard coming through. 11. I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. 12. Slytherins do it on Snape's desk. 13. Voldemort needs prision bitches. 14. Because real friends help you Incendio the bodies. 15. Property of the Half-Blood Prince. 16. We're only wearing black until something darker comes along. 17. Don't hate us beacuse we're beautiful, hate us because we kick your ass at everything. 18. Never wound what can kill you.