About seven years ago, all my friends my age got married.

And about three years after that, they all started having babies, which set into motion the idea that eventually they re gonna have to talk about sex to their kids. And that just freak s me out. I have cats they were broken, but now they re fixed so I don t have to worry a bout this. However, if I had the opportunity to suddenly be confronted by my son as a young man asking me for advice about sex with girls this is what I would say . One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them bef ore you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you al low your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is e xactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms forepla y. (Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to ha ve sex.) Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the cou ch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks. Three: Sex is not just about friction. It s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she ll help you find her clitoris. Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbate s. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn t masturbate, offer to take her sh opping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together. Five: Don t put anything in her butthole you wouldn t want in your own. (Footnote: T ry a pinky finger, it s kinda awesome.) Six: When you go down on her and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, y ou will be amazing at it tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you. Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and mo re time jilling off, this world would be a happier place. Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in th e movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Figh ter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any e xplosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects. Nine: Just because you come doesn t mean she has, so don t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don t worry about gettin yours, you re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she s gettin hers. Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You ve got a lot of learning to do. Love, Dad.