At rock bottom in a cage with Withnail

Depressed and with her career at an all-time low, Ruby Wax turned to science to fight her demons and says the lessons apply to us all
Ruby Wax, The Sunday Times Published: 26 May 2013

After taking part, with Richard E Grant, in a TV show called Celebrity Shark Bait, Ruby Wax headed back to university to study mindfulness (Rex Features ) This journey is dedicated to my mind, which at one point left town. But it is also for the rest of humanity, who perhaps at one time or another may have misplaced theirs, too. Though I personally have gone on a rollercoaster ride of depression for most of my life, this story isnt exclusively for the depressed. None of us is equipped for the 21st century. Its too hard, too fast, too full of fear; we just dont have the bandwidth. We all have the same equipment: we suffer, we laugh, we rage, we bitch; were all vulnerable, delicate creatures under our tough fronts. So a few years ago I decided to go back to university and study the brain. I wanted to find some shelter from the constant hurricanes of depression, which left me depleted and broken, each episode getting longer and deeper. Ive had it since childhood, but back then it had no name. I would lie down for days on end, but it wasnt like sleep; it was like hibernation. I couldnt get up while some tyrannical dictator screamed abuse in my head and not just one abusive voice, 100,000 abusive voices. If the devil had Tourettes, thats what it would sound like.

My thinking was that if I learnt how my own engine worked, it might prevent me from getting stuck in the middle of nowhere screaming for a shrink to come and fix me. I wanted to be able to lasso this wild beast of a brain and become the driver not the driven. It struck me that our primary problem as a species is that we have no manual, no instructions that tell us how to live our lives. We want happiness but we stop ourselves getting any because were all too busy. Im as driven as the next person. It almost got to the point where I went into labour while doing a TV show. The floor manager gave me a 5-4-3-2, someone cut the cord and yelled: Action. Gandhi said: There is more to life than simply increasing its speed. Unfortunately he didnt tell us what; he just left us hanging while he pranced around in his nappy. We all run towards something and we dont know what maybe its to be remembered. In reality, were all as disposable as wax figures. Once you lose your job or beauty or status, which you will eventually, they melt you down and use you to make the next important person. I went to Madame Tussauds and there was Charlie Chaplin next to the loo while other former celebrities were melted down and made into 150 candles; an icon one minute, a candle the next. We have many glitches besides our busyness. The failure to get what we want leaves us in a state of permanent desire. Magazines understand that, they make us salivate for the unobtainable; the chase is better than the kill. People who collect art pay 15m for some semen on a cracker and then never notice it once its on their wall. Theyll be back licking the pages of a Sothebys catalogue for what they crave next. If were not wanting, were waiting. Waiting for what, we dont know, but something, and its going to happen soon. Waiting for someone to commission our screenplay about a clown who falls in love with a squirrel and then decides to become a car dealer. Waiting for the money to roll in for an idea about inventing soup in solid form. Its all about to happen next week, next year, we dont mind how long, as long as were in a suspended state of waiting and wanting. I had to change when I went back to university. Not being the centre of attention any more was like coming off hard drugs. When you first go on the Tube and no one recognises you, its a wake-up call; you realise how up your own ass you have been and that now its time to come out and smell the Circle Line. I had hit the basement of show business when I made a suicide pact with Richard E Grant by doing a show I hope you missed called Celebrity Shark Bait. We did it for the money and a chance to see Cape Town. Besides us on this show, there was a girl (forgot name) from some soap (forgot name) who wore very low-cut tops to show off her white, milky breasts. They filmed her

most days and Richard and I were told they didnt need us, so we told estate agents we were looking for a house to buy and snooped into peoples homes. Meanwhile, Milky Breasts was being filmed (Im not making this up) in a freezer where they hung dead pigs from hooks all around her while she stood in her bikini. The point of this was to prepare her for the cold water. PS, we were going to wear dry suits for the dive so there was no point to the pig scene except to see her nipples. The day came for the shark dive. A woman who had Shark Lady printed on her red jacket gave us instructions on the dos and donts of how to behave in the shark cage. She told us not to worry as she had been doing this for more than 25 years and it was perfectly safe. As she tossed large chunks of tuna into the sea for chumming (getting some blood in the water to attract the great white sharks), we noticed she only had two fingers. It turns out Milky Breasts wouldnt get in the water she was too scared and so Richard and I were lowered down. Suddenly something about 20ft long glided towards us, looked at us with dead eyes and swam away. The shark must have known our television careers were over and went off looking for an A-list celebrity. So after that and a breakdown (nothing to do with the dip of career; I had this illness even when I was riding high), I decided to go back to university. After much research, I thought mindfulness might help me best as I had heard it gives you the ability to regulate your own mind as well as an introduction to the study of neuroscience. I decided to go to one of the founders of mindfulness-based cognitive therapy, psychologist Mark Williams. He told me that if I wanted to study with him, unfortunately, I would have to get into Oxford. I scraped together some old school records and managed to excavate my one or two decent high school grades, but most of all I give great interview, so I got into that masters course. The other 14 students in my class were brilliant and looked at me on day one as if they were having an encounter with a third kind; but, goddammit, I was there. What I learnt on this course was that you can change your mind and how you think. This is called neuroplasticity. Your genes, hormones, regions in the brain and early learning do not necessarily determine your fate. Scientific evidence has shown that neurons (brain cells) can rewire and change patterns throughout your lifetime as a result of your experiences and how you think about them. So your thoughts affect the physiology of your brain and the physiology affects your thoughts. When your mind changes, your brain changes and because our brains are so malleable, the skys the limit. This is what scientists are giving us in the 21st century; way beyond what Psychic Madge can read in your palm. The brain is like a 3lb piece of Play-Doh; you can re-sculpt it by breaking old mental habits and creating new, more flexible ways of thinking.

If you can look inside your brain and roughly understand where everything is and how it operates, you might not be able to completely know yourself but with practice you may be able to fix yourself. Learning how to self-regulate means you can sense the early warnings before a full-on burnout or depression and do something about it. This remarkable organ in our heads holds infinite wisdom but so few of us know how to use it. Its similar to having a Ferrari except no one gave you the keys. The mindfulness part of the course was to teach this self-regulation. I probably dont need to mention that I was very, very sceptical about learning something connected to meditation. I thought it was a Buddhist thing where you have to use those words like shuranana murtisugamutisatimanyannanaan an explosion of letters. Also, I was not about to worship some elephant with a thousand arms or a smiling fat man. Before I become involved, I always want things to be tangible; things I can see or taste or touch. With mindfulness the point is not to empty your mind; you need your mind to analyse, memorise, create and, most importantly, exist. It can never be empty while youre alive; even in a coma your mind is chattering away. The trick is to learn to live with the soundtrack. Mindfulness means paying attention, in the present, in a non-judgmental way (you dont snap at yourself when you notice you might not be in a good place). Once you stand back, you dont try to make things different; its not even about relaxation but about witnessing whatevers going on without the usual critical commentary. Rather than run away or repress negative thoughts and feelings, you learn to relate to them from a different angle and learn that your thoughts arent facts but constantly changing phenomena. Its the effort of trying to change things from what they are that ultimately exhausts us. Pain is always painful but suffering is optional. In order to stand back and witness thoughts you have to have an anchor otherwise youll get caught up again in rumination, which leads you nowhere. With mindfulness you focus your attention on one of your senses. When you notice your mind snatch you back to its endless plots and stories, you simply but kindly bring your attention back to one of your senses. As soon as you focus on a sense, not thinking about it but experiencing it, youre in the present, not thinking about the past or future. Also you cant experience a sense and feel anxious or stressed at the same time because your mind cant be in two places at once. As soon as you send attention to a sense, the amygdala (your fight or flight emergency button) calms down. So if you feel stress, fear or anxiety you send your attention to one of your senses; your heart slows down, adrenaline and cortisol lower, your oxygen increases and your mind gets clear. (This can all be seen in a brain scanner.) With this intentional switching of focus, youre in charge. If you want to be in high gear, you can; if you want to slow down and notice the present, you can.

I remember one of my kids trying to get my attention to show me his dead hamster. I couldnt pull the phone away I was so consumed with whatever I was talking about. My kids told me they thought the receiver was part of my ear. Even one Christmas when I was dressed as Santa, I hid a speaker in my beard. I wish I had practised mindfulness when my kids were small; Id be able to remember the hamsters name. Moving on. With mindfulness, and it may not be for everyone, I can step on it and work 200 miles an hour but if I need to notice something, like the funeral arrangements for a hamster, I can slow down and focus. I have the choice. If we learn to regulate our attention, we can reduce our reactive nature and cultivate a more flexible mind that points the way to health and happiness. If we can observe our own habits of thinking clearly and without harshness, we can notice the habits of thinking in others and have greater empathy. We can go on blaming the outside world for why our lives are so chaotic and uncertain; but really it all emanates from us, from our minds. We are the mothers of invention. If we dont fix our minds or learn to use them, nothing will change. I hope we move towards a world where its not survival of the fittest but survival of the wisest. Ruby Wax 2013 Extracted from Sane New World: How to Tame the Mind, to be published by Hodder & Stoughton on June 6 at 18.99. Tap to buy for 15.99, including postage, from the ST Bookshop