1.My wife and I divorced over religious differences - She thought she was God an d I didnt. 2.

"Don't worry if your job is small, and your rewards are few. Remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you!" 3.Scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their be er consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the p resence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men t urn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It w as then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationall y, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned. 4.Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest wate rfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic p lanes passing by can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so t hat we can hear the Niagara Falls?" 5.Guy : "A man is considered only as good as the job he has." Wife: "That explains why it takes so long for the next raise to come." 6.Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 7.Definition for 'Girlfriend' - Addition of problems, subtraction of money, mult iplication of enemies & division of friends. 8.The man who had just married his girfriend asked "Honey would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" She "don't be rediculous dear, I would have married you no matter who left you a fortune." 9.Two women who rule your life - mother, who brings you into this world crying a nd wife, who ensures that you stay that way. 10.When a man holds a womans hand - before marriage it is called "romance", afte r mariage "self defence". 11.Boyfriend : And are you sure you love me and no one else? Girlfriend : Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday. 12. A Woman wants one man to satisfy her many needs, a man wants many women to s atisfy his one need. 13. A preacher was giving a lecture on temperance to an unruly audience in an Old West mining camp. "Look," he said, "I put a worm in a glass of water and it's still alive. I put another worm in a glass of alcohol and it died right away. What does that tell you?" "Easy," responded a voice from the back, "If you don't want worms, drink liquor!" 14. Facts about Marriages: Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say . After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good c ook. But the law allows only one wife. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. 15. Two men were at a poker game that had run late; 3:00 AM to be exact Man1: You know what I hate about these games? When I go home. I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight. Man2: What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam the door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home", run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, "How about a little love woman". And she never even moves. A man approaches his best friend's wife one day when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks. "No. My husband wouldn't approve." "O.K. What if I give you $1000?" "Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work." So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did(!!!). In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught: "Was my best friend here today?" "Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern. "And did he leave $1000?" "Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst. "Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"

A man was sitting at home with his wife and they were watching TV. He was a chain-smoker and suddenly runs out of his cigarettes. He says to his wife: "I'm going to the bar to get some more cigarettes". At the bar he sees this gorgeous and attractive girl. They start to talk and then they decide that he will go home with her. There they start f*cking each other. Suddenly the man looks at the clock: "Hey, its 0:30. Time for me to go home". He dressed, runs for the door, stop and says: "Do you have any talcum powder?" "Yes. Why?" "Sprinkle a little talcum on my hands" She sprinkles a little talcum on his hands, then he went to his wife. She YELLS: "Where the hell have you been?" "Well, I went to the bar, met this girl, went with her to her house where we made love to each other" She looks at his hands. "Don't lie to me. You met the boys and went bowling with them. I can see the talcum powder."

5 million dollar Two salesmen were traveling in the country when their car break s down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms. In the morning they call the tow truck and leave. About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says: "When we spend the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?" "Why, yes I did." "And did you use my name?" "Why, yes how did you know?" "Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!" A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!" "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are confronted by Saint Peter who says "Well girls before you can get into heaven you must answer a question." Saint Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?" She says, "Oh that's easy, that was Adam." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven. So Saint Peter asks the second nun "Who was the first woman on earth?" She says "Oh that's easy that was Eve." Same thing happens - birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into heaven. So Saint Peter says to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She sits and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard one." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven!

With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess. The girl had had enough of this particular character. "These are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them." "Do you think," asked the poll taker, "that the terms of Congressmen should be limited?" "Hell no!" raged the taxpayer. "They should stay in jail as long as everyone else!" Q: Why did Moses and the Jews wander in the desert for twenty-five years? A: One of them dropped a quarter. The NRI was proud his little son was educated in the US. To show off to his gues ts his son's fluency in English he asked him "son what is the name of your girlf riend?" "Mary" replied his son. "What's her whole name?" His son thought for a moment and then said "pussy".