Boundaries

1.Intoduction As human beings, we have wants and needs we want to chart our own course and we need assistance and respect from those around us. Boundaries are an essential tool to build our lives, necessary steps in self-care and self-development. Boundaries are an imaginary line of protection that you draw around you. This is done to protect you physically/mentally/emotionally - and what's important to you. You cannot grow without boundaries. However, you can learn how to design, implement and manage boundaries so that the process becomes effortless for you and for others. Boundaries are about what others CANNOT do to you or around you. Boundaries are about other's actions. If it has to do with how YOU act, it's called a Standard. Boundaries have to do with what one deems acceptable FROM another. Personal Standards are the other side of the coin they are what you deem acceptable from yourself. If it has to do with something that another MUST do to or for you, this is called a Requirement (and has to do with Needs). It is helpful to understand the difference between these three. Just remember: boundaries are what you establish to STOP people from doing certain things to or around you. KEY POINTS: 1. Boundaries help you define who you are and are not. 2. You need boundaries in order to be, and to be yourself. 3. You set boundaries by stopping others behaviour. 4. You extend boundaries by having courage. 5. You get the courage from being selfish (in the "good" sense). 6. You become selfish by caring about yourself. When A Person Has Healthy Boundaries Fears and anxieties diminish significantly; trust is rarely an issue. Willing, healthy family members and true friends respect us more.

What Happens when Boundaries Are Weak We attract needy, disrespectful people into our lives. We waste much energy getting through life.

WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES? Boundaries are a limit you set between yourself and people due to thoughts, activities, and things that arent in your best interest. They deliver more than I could ever describe. Through them, you will gain a wonderful array of built-in benefits that simplify, beautify, and clarify life and relationships. They set the stage for love, strength, happiness, and well-being. If this sounds like a pitch for boundaries, it is. They can very quickly raise a life to a new level of competence and joy. Simply put, boundaries are a life-enhancing system of yeses, and nos. They are the stop signs and borders you install to protect yourself so that it is clear that you own your life, make good choices, and pursue the authentic expression of who you are in the way you live, love, give, and relate. Setting successful boundaries involves sorting and choosing who and what to let into your life and who or what to keep out. Boundaries can be relevant in many areas of life, including, beliefs, body, feelings, future, lifestyle, love, money, possessions, relationships, service/career, sexuality, space, spirit, time, values. You can, for example, set boundaries by choosing to recognize and change old false beliefs about yourself will protect you from unnecessary internal and external distress. In life and the universe, boundaries are essential. In fact, an absence of boundaries guarantees chaos. It is abnormal, unhealthy, and dangerous to exist without them. You are surrounded by an endless parade of boundaries. From the solar system to mathematics to your own bodys temperature, boundaries are embedded everywhere, giving structure, guidance, and definition. Boundaries in nature. Boundaries are essential to a structured, smooth-running life as well as to a structured, smooth-running universe. They maintain order and keep things identifiable. Oceans go so far and stop. Pigs do not mate with horses. Daisies do not become magnolias. Planets stay in their assigned orbits. Boundaries in geography. In your mind, fly just above the earth. Look down and you will see boundaries. Rivers have banks, roads have shoulders, cliffs have edges, mountains have valleys, countries have borders, and farms have property lines. Each thing has a beginning and an ending that is defined by its boundaries. Boundaries in cultures. Cultural boundaries exist within nations, companies, religions, and communities. They are formed around things like language, behavior, customs, rituals, beliefs,

attitudes, loyalties, skills, and experiences. For example, in some cultures, eating is only allowed with your right hand. The left hand is considered "sinister." Similarly, some cultures value loud and open expression of grief while others honor a more stoic approach. "When in Rome do as the Romans do" speaks to a long-standing need to acknowledge and adapt to a cultures boundaries. Boundaries in families. Families are famous for the lines they draw around people and behaviors. They adopt spoken and unspoken rules, limits, and ideologies not easily overturned, even in adulthood. The boundaries a family has can be quickly identified by asking the following questions: Can the children speak their minds respectfully? What does the family do on Saturday mornings? When are beds changed? How is money to be saved and spent? Can you drop in on friends or must you always call ahead? How must you dress if you are going to the store? If, how, and when should feelings be expressed? Your personal boundary system not only integrates boundaries you adopted from your family, but also has grown from other influences and experiences in your life. Other boundaries. Boundaries are endlessly present. Our office overlooks a freeway full of them. Dividers separate traffic patterns, lanes keep cars within the lines, exits and on-ramps guide traffic on and off the freeway, signs set limits on speeding, horns and gestures warn drivers to stay in their place, and an occasional state policeman can be seen helping a driver rethink a boundary violation. The following are examples of everyday boundaries that are common among the millions of people in the world: Limits to what your body can physically tolerate Rules regulating your behavior in society Building codes Musical scales Engine requirements Sales territories Recipes and baking times Zip codes Noise levels Curfews Budgets

 Deadlines We repeat: boundaries are essential. Most boundaries are flexible; some are inflexible. Some people think of flexible boundaries as fences with gates or wheels. You move them to fit the situation and your own growth. For example, Tom, a client once blocked from satisfying interaction by a compulsive need to talk too much, installed a boundary that restricted him from saying more than five sentences at a time. Once he grew as a listener, he gradually moved the boundary aside and is now able to interact successfully. As you create better boundaries, you will learn which ones can be more flexible to match the circumstance. However, you may need certain boundaries to be inflexible. You might think of them as fences with no entrances or exits. These kinds of boundaries dont move easily, if at all. Inflexible boundaries are appropriate when you need to protect yourself from something or someone that has proven harmful to you. For example, someone who was once easily swept into controlling relationships may choose to build an inflexible boundary against dating people who show early signs of attempting to dictate his or her behavior. Similarly, people who have defined and chosen certain moral standards will build inflexible boundaries between themselves and what they consider to be immoral behaviors. Both flexible and inflexible boundaries give structure to your life. Your boundaries will define who you are, whom you give time and energy to, where youre headed, and what you care about. THE NEED FOR BOUNDARIES Researchers in every field of human study agree that boundaries are essential to a meaningful, well-lived life. They promote health, inner peace, safety, confidence, exploration, expression, positive relationships, and service to others. The best way to define boundaries is probably to just say what they do. Boundaries define your identity. Boundaries are your border-lines, enabling an identifiable shape to emerge around your beliefs and preferences. This definition produces a confidence within you that lets others know what you have to offer. You become like a product with clearly defined ingredients. People can sense that you are clear and confident with yourself. They will know what to expect from you. This doesnt mean boundaries make you predictably boring; it means they help you attract positive people and opportunities that will welcome who you are. Boundaries protect you from violators. Boundaries protect you from people, beliefs, habits, and situations that lessen or block you in some way. "Violators" are not so attracted to people with good boundaries because it is tougher to manipulate or control someone with clearly defined boundaries. Boundaries are like a sorting machine that says "yes" to what fits and "no" to what doesnt. They let in what is good and keep out what is bad so that you remain safe to be and express your authentic self. Boundaries are your border guards; friendly but firm, welcoming but choosey.

Boundaries speak for you. People with effective boundaries give off an often unspoken message that usually discourages boundary violators. Just as self-defense teachers help students learn to walk a certain way to project an "Im prepared if you mess with me" attitude. Vandals think twice when they sense this kind of confidence. Boundaries bring order. The reason you require clear boundaries is that without them you will be unable to regulate the coming and going of swarms of people, demands, ideas, dreams, commitments, responsibilities, opportunities, pleasures, and activities. Without boundaries, life becomes a transit station without a train schedulechaotic, going this way and that on the whim of an engineer or the threats of passengers. It is internal anarchy. Boundaries attract respectful relationships. Others who also have an effective personal boundary system will be attracted to you, increasing your probability of positive, respectful relationships. Their attraction stems from their own admiration for a person who has made the effort to create boundaries and also from a belief that their own boundaries will be respected. Those without healthy boundaries may be drawn initially to a person of strength, but theyre usually scared away when their efforts to control, put down, or manipulate are resisted. Boundaries promote you. Just as boundaries can speak for you, they can also promote you to people and opportunities looking for someone with your identity, confidence, and self-care. When you are a person with clearly defined boundaries, you know yourself and your strengths. You want to use them in your life and work. Leaders and employers with good boundaries recognize this. They know if you have boundaries you can be more trusted to state clearly what you can and cannot do, offer workable alternatives, welcome input, work passionately without burn-out, and stick to projects and jobs that suit your strength. As an employee with boundaries you will also be better able to withstand the inevitable criticism from others at work. They may often be intimidated or angered by their inability to penetrate your ethic and reduce your production or service to their level of mediocrity. Boundaries protect you from the control of others. You are president of your life and boundaries will protect you from people who want to impeach you. They will also make it difficult for manipulators to control you because you will recognize a threat to your ownership. Boundaries preserve your purpose and mission. When you know your purpose and mission, you have even more reason to create better boundaries. Once your purpose and mission are identified, boundaries will preserve you for those relationships and opportunities that fit who you are and what you want to do about it. You will be undistracted by sirens of opportunity that would otherwise tempt you to steer off course. Boundaries protect your finest personal assets. Your knowledge, body, skills, and abilities are among your finest personal assets. These assets deserve protection, and boundaries will both protect and preserve them so you can invest them enthusiastically across your life.

Boundaries satisfy your need for self-confirmation. When an artist puts lines on paper, a form is defined, or confirmed. When you draw lines around your life, you and your personality are defined. Your boundaries confirm you exist and in what form. For example, if you are an introvert, you will draw a line between yourself and pressure from others to be "more social." The boundary confirms your true nature. The New Need for Boundaries: The need for an effective boundary system is increasing constantly for a number of reasons. Fewer societal boundaries. You have fewer cultural, political, and moral boundaries around you than you did last year. And last year you had fewer than the year before because there is an ever-increasing removal of established societal lines between what is acceptable and unacceptable. The loss of cultural norms and standards makes it even more imperative for you to set your own. In an age of relativism, where people decide for themselves what is right, you have to figure out what is right in your own eyes. Few cultural traditions are doing it for you. As the lines of established tradition fade, the need for people to create their own lines intensifies. Although it has always been important to create a personal code of ethics and behavior, the number of issues to be decided personally were fewer because society made some of the choices. For example, mainstream lines have been lifted around the following: cloning, integrity expectations of public figures, sex outside marriage, abortion, violence and nudity in the media, accuracy of school grading systems and national testing, protecting children and teens from pornography, living together before marriage, homosexuality, expression of faith, truth in reporting, homeschooling, and too many others to name. Right or wrong, these issues had fairly clear boundaries around them in most cultures. Now they dont, and each person must decide where his or her lines will be drawn. Another example of a shift in cultural boundaries is domestic violence, once protected behind the cultural boundaries of privacy. For years, mainstream society in America either turned its head or possibly even chuckled, when a husband "reminded the little lady whos boss." Now the line of privacy has been lifted, forcing people to take a personal position on the issue of domestic violence and abuse in general. Growing population. More people means more reasons for boundaries. Population taxes the environment. The pace of life quickens. Theres more noise, more congestion, and more competition. More people means more potential relationships. Or more isolation. What will your boundaries be? What will you let in? Keep out? Give? Receive? Increasing neediness. Neediness among the population in general is also increasing in every aspect of life. Good causes, real crises, and desperate conditions cry out for your help. How will you sort them? All of these reasons are in addition to the fundamental one for setting boundaries: you value and own your life.

What Is a Personal Boundary?: A personal boundary is a line you draw to protect all or a part of your life from being controlled, manipulated, "fixed," misunderstood, abused, discounted, demeaned, diffused, or wrongly judged. Personal boundaries protect your life and preserve your highest potential so that your "ultimate purpose" can be joyfully and effectively fulfilled. Boundaries keep danger and harm out of your life. Harm can come from people, places, or activities, or it can come from internal beliefs and habits. Personal boundaries are a set of flexible and inflexible limits that let good in and keep bad out. You get to draw a line around your life because it is your life. You are in charge of how you live and develop. You are the guardian of your spirit, mind, and body, the curator of your soul and identity, and the keeper of your dreams. The choice is yours.

BE A PERSON WHOSE BOUNDARIES ARE UNCROSSABLE, BUT WHO IS CONSTRUCTIVE ABOUT PROTECTING THESE BOUNDARIES A boundary is a limitation on what other people may say or do around you. You set a boundary to protect yourself from other people's insensitive behaviour. When a boundary is extensive, it limits any behaviour that could possibly disturb you. When a boundary is inadequate, it limits extreme behaviours that would harm you, but not subtle ones that could continue to cause you pain. Mental and emotional areas where personal boundaries are important are being accused or blamed for something that someone else did or that was actually their issue; energy, sexuality, needs, time alone, intuition and even individual differences. Have you ever been drained of energy so much that you neglected your own needs? Has anyone criticised you because you do things differently from them? How did you feel? What happened? What did you do with any resulting conflict? Did you work it through directly with the other person? And, if appropriate, did you set limits with them? Or did you hold in your feelings, possibly to avoid their confronting or rejecting you? Some other mental and emotional areas where personal boundaries are helpful include: love, interests, relationships, participation, roles, and messenger function. Messenger function means that someone inappropriately convinces you to deliver a message to a third party. And if you do so, you might end up with more than you bargained for. But these and other areas in relationships are often not so simple and clear-cut. For example, have you ever declined interest in something that is being pushed on you by another (a potential boundary invasion)? Then you later became interested in and perhaps even profited by whatever they had been promoting? A principle we can use is to keep our boundaries as flexible as feels appropriate for us for our wants and needs and for consciously setting a healthy boundary or withdrawing if we wish. This is an example of using boundaries in a healthy way.

______________________________________________________________________ HEALTHY BOUNDARIES Everyone wants and needs things from you. But you become a victim unless you protect yourself. Every organization needs people with strong boundaries. Don't be afraid to develop yours. I take responsibility for failure, but not blame or shame. I don't get caught up in any adrenaline/deadline rushes. I don't answer the phone when I'm focused. I don't let others "dump on" or be disrespectful to me. I say no when I need to without putting people off. I don't volunteer unless my work is caught up and perfect. I don't "put up with" very much or suffer at work. I am honest with my superior regarding my work load. I think about and evaluate requests before I respond. I finish my work and leave on time almost every night. ___ Number of boxes checked (10 max)

Your Environment Needs You To Educate It YOU ARE SURROUNDED by an infinite collection of people, places and things, each bombarding you with requests, needs, ideas and problems. They're all competing for whatever energy you have available, and they won't take no for an answer. At least they won't until you learn how to educate them on who you are, what you need, and what they can and can't do. Then, your universe (these people, places and things), will begin to respect you and knock before entering, ask before taking and look before giving. This educating process takes time, willingness, selfishness and language. Basically, we educate our environment all of the time; in fact, we have what we have because we've either asked for it (knowingly or not) or we didn't know what to ask for so we got what

was left, usually not so tasty. The educating of one's environment is a constant, natural and eventually effortless process, but it may take a while to reeducate the folks and things in your life on how you now want them to be or provide for you. And it will take time for you to access the exact language you will need to say what you want to say and to get what you need without having to strain yourself or the other person. The best place to develop language is in the moment when something needs to be said. When someone is doing something that doesn't feel good or right, you must communicate immediately or forever carry the extra burden of your unspoken reaction. The process of sharing with another person what you want, won't permit or need to hear is called "educating your environment." We have the right to tell others what they can and cannot say or do to or with us. This is called setting boundaries and requirements. If taken too far, it can lead to controlling others, but we'll assume you're not reading this article with that goal in mind. In order to properly educate your environment, you first must know or decide: 1. What is acceptable to you in term's of another person's behaviour. 2. What is not acceptable to you in terms of another person's behaviour. 3. What you need from another person. If you determine these for yourself, you will naturally start saying what needs to be said when it needs to be said, not after. But this will come only when you've decided who you are and what's okay and what's not okay. Until you do this, no amount of language will help you. First define yourself, then develop language. One of the benefits of having the language you need is so you can leave every encounter with nothing unsaid, nothing stepped over, nothing unacknowledged or appreciated. You say what there is to say immediately - and constructively - when you sense it. This is not the same as dumping, however. Dumping is not communicating; it's a form of venting or anger.) All of this first starts with clarity and a commitment to yourself around your boundaries. Language gives you the words and the awareness. Why is this important? 1. What is left unsaid gets in the way of the relationship. 2. What is not (but needs to be) requested is a missed opportunity. 3. When too much is left unsaid, corrosion results.

Specific language (such as the very word "boundaries") is what we use to bring out our best as human beings. (Just one example is the fact that the Eskimos have over 40 words for snow - we have only one; what are we missing?) When the specific words are missing, everyone misses out. EXAMPLES & ENFORCEMENT Following is a list of 10 sample boundaries. As you read the list, look for the 3 which most appeal to you. You probably don't need or want all 10. The 3 you select should be the ones that really give you the space and protection from the people who take away your power, make you feel less than you are or dominate you. 1. No one may ever shout at me. 2. Everyone must be completely straightforward with me; no lying. 3. People cannot make subtle or obvious digs or cuts to me. 4. People cannot gossip about others in my company. 5. Others may not borrow something of mine without asking first. 6. My clients cannot take me for granted; I must be appreciated. 7. Salespeople may not pressure me. 8. I don't take calls after 10pm. 9. People may not dump their problems on me. 10. People must be in a good mood to be around me. What is your reaction to these? Are some too much to ask for "in today's world"? Are others unrealistic? Others not strong enough? Everyone has his/her own degree of need for soft-tostrong boundaries. Pick and design the ones that give you more than enough room to be your best. SOME CHARACTERISTICS OF HEALTHY BOUNDARIES 1. Presence - to sense the usefulness or non-usefulness of a boundary, it has to be present in my AWARENESS to some degree 2. Appropriateness based on my wants and needs. I set the boundary or let it go based on what I am experiencing right now in my inner life. My inner life includes my beliefs,

3. 4. 5. 6.

7.

8.

thoughts, feelings, decisions, choices, wants, needs, intuitions and more. So knowing what is coming up for me in my life is crucial in my setting healthy boundaries and having healthy relationships. Protective the boundary is useful to help protect my well-being and integrity. Clarity I am clear about my boundaries. Firmness To get what I want or need, how firm do I want my boundary or limit to be? I am in charge of how firm I want them to be. Maintenance do I need to maintain or hold firm on a specific boundary or limit for a period of time to get what I want or need? Or do I need to relax the boundary or limit to get what I want or need? Flexibility to get what I want or need, how flexible do I want my boundary or limit to be? To have healthy relationships I need also to be flexible when appropriate and to be able to LET GO of my boundaries and limits when appropriate. Receptive would it be useful or enjoyable for me to LOOSEN the boundary a bit and let another person, place, thing, behaviour or experience in?

WHAT BOUNDARIES ARE NOT Healthy boundaries and limits are NOT: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Set by any other or others Primarily hurtful or harmful Controlling or manipulating A wall Part of a triangle (I set the boundary with a single person at a time or with a single group at a time I do not triangle in a third or a fourth person.

A triangle is different from a threesome. A threesome is three people interacting vs a triangle which is intended to stabilise a two-person system which is in danger of disintegrating. A classic example is having a child to try to save a marriage. Ultimately a triangle is intended to try to avoid changing myself and my part of the problem. By contrast, two or three people sharing a common interest or activity or relationship can nourish and enrich their relationship. ______________________________________________________________________________ ______ HOW TO ENFORCE BOUNDARIES AND STILL HAVE FRIENDS Yes. it is possible, but you'll want to be big about how you handle this. Following are tips and phrasing examples of how to do this. 1. Respond immediately at the first sense that the other person is about to get near or cross your boundary. If you wait, you are playing a hopeful or victim game. Do not be a DQ (drama

queen). Stop the disturbances before they happen - and most are predictable if you'll make the commitment to take care of yourself this well. 2. Be constructive at first. You can protect yourself and at the same time make this a contribution to the other person. You needn't get on your high horse and do the "you offended me" routine. Say things like: You know, I am particularly sensitive about people raising their voice to me. Would you be willing to sHigh quietly with me? Yes, I can take the time to listen to your problems about Jon, but I have about 15 minutes. Will that be enough time? Yes, I will send you that article you need, but may I ask a favour of you sometime? I am unable to be with you when you are angry. I hope you understand my need to leave the room when you are disturbed. I do want to spend time with you, and I love you.

SLEDGEHAMMER APPROACH Sometimes the other person seems unable to hear your unconditionally constructive request to back off. Assuming you are willing to put yourself first, here are a couple of straight-shooting ways to protect your boundaries. And you may lose the friendship or relationship. Steve, that's it! You no longer get to say that to me, ever again. Got that? (Stay with the person. Repeat it. if necessary, until he really gets it and agrees to change.) Mary, you are being mean. Please stop it right now. I am no longer willing to help you, if you keep fighting me. Karen, I cannot hear one more word about how badly Michael treated you. Susie, I can no longer spend any more time with you, because you are insensitive about things that matters a great deal to me. Bill, you may not be late any more for work. Next time, you're fired. If you're getting fed up with someone, first look to see where you didn't act early enough. Then, make the biggest request you can of that person to have them treat you exactly as you wish and need to be treated.

Especially in personal relationships: DO NOT figure out whether they can do what you're asking. Just ask for or demand it. If they care enough, they will accept it and change their behaviour accordingly. If they give you a bad time about it or can't seem to deliver, then it is time to get this need met by someone else, or to let go of the relationship until such time as they are able to be good to you. TIPS You may already set and maintain boundaries. If so, congratulations. If you're just beginning this process, here are a couple of tips: You must be willing to put yourself and your needs ahead of anyone else's. It isn't like you'll become a me-me-me person, but you must be ready to do so at any time. If you rear back in horror at this, spend some time wondering why you are feeling so stressed and whether putting others first (the way you have been doing) has really benefited them or you in the long run. You must be willing to live with the consequences of your stand. Often people are hesitant to enforce boundaries because they fear losing the person, the business deal, the job, the opportunity. The term for this is consequence avoidance. I suggest that you are already suffering a consequence by not enforcing boundaries. Whatever you "lose" subsequently is secondary in cost. IMPLEMENTATION TIP Eventually, you'll send out signals that frighten away those who would take advantage of you or not honor what is important to you. In the meantime, however, you'll need to listen well and respond quickly to the subtle stuff. Most people are good about snapping back when the intrusion is substantial. I suggest that you respond based on the subtle sensation or inkling you feel. Don't wait for a reoccurrence or invasion. (And if you're overreacting, you can always apologise.) Think about these points:1. In the last 3 days what was one thing someone said or did that was okay at the time, but, given this boundaries discussion, really was not okay? Got it? Good. Now, are you willing to call the person involved, share with them the new skill you are learning here and be unconditionally constructive with them? Tell them you're practicing. If youre not willing, why not? Do your reasons really benefit you? 2. Decide the one thing -- make it a subtle one -- that people can no longer do or not do around you. Make it one that you think is no big deal, but your heart tells you is emotionally important.

3. Call another friend and ask them if they have any boundaries that you have crossed recently. Then work out a way to not have it happen again. (They'll love it. When's the last time someone called you up to ask you that question?) The trick is to develop boundaries far broader than you originally think of. If the boundary is that no one can shout at you, expand it to have no one be able to raise their voice at you. That way, you will respond earlier to the incursion, and feel stronger about how well you should be treated. When the boundary is wide enough, the other person rarely enters the minefield. ORGANIZATIONS & OFFICE POLITICS Office politics is often associated with dirty, manipulative game-playing used by those in power, those who want to get more power, and those who want to control power in organizations. Unfortunately, this image can inhibit a lot of extremely competent people, especially women, from rising to the top in organizations because they dont want to get their own hands dirty or to grovel. But office politics also involves recognizing that in any group of people there is a constant (and normal) jostling process going on while people continue to work together with a common aim. Where there is good management, there is genuine empathy, respect and courtesy shown towards other people, which makes this a constructive process. Destructive office politics occurs in organizations that are obsessed with pitting one employee against another and where those at the top use secrecy, manipulation, bullying, intimidation and power to cover up for their own inadequacies both in management and in interpersonal relationship skills. Unless you are fully prepared for the stress and are well supported by others with some kind of effective power, dont waste your energy trying to change such organizations, because the structure that is supporting such destructive practices will turn on you. Put your head down and do your job, but seek employment elsewhere as fast as you can. In any organization however, you need to be aware of how the system works in order to survive and thrive! Consider the organizations expectations for example: How long do people work? What is the code regarding lunchbreaks, tea-breaks (if any), and dress? What is the policy on taking holidays (do people take them all at once, at certain times or in part to suit the boss?)? How do people address each other?

Then think about the formal organizational structure: Who answers to whom? What are the different roles and job specifications of different people? Who has the power to do what? Understanding the informal organizational structure can be more important than knowing the formal network Who talks to whom? Who lunches with whom? Who really has power in the organization? Who socializes outside the office? Who has influential contacts (media, business, personal) outside the organization? Who likes whom? Who is isolated or actively rejected? Gatekeepers to power: These are the personal assistants and secretaries who are often inadequately paid and poorly recognized despite what they do, and are resentful because of it. This can make them difficult and manipulative, with a compulsion to exercise what little power they have by controlling who sees their boss. The long hours they spend with their boss can give them a professional and personal intimacy, with enormous influence over the bosss perceptions of different employees. You have to get these people actively on your side or at least make sure they are not actively against you. As long as they dont see you as a threat to their boss and hence their own power this is pretty simple to do by being polite and courteous. Recognize their power by asking for their opinion or help. A little bit of recognition can pay handsomely. ______________________________________________________________________________ In short: A sense of personal control is essential to your happiness, but dont make the mistake of thinking that you are in total control of (and to blame for) everything that happens to you. The other side of the coin is to not see yourself as a helpless victim, with zero influence over your life. Be aware, and develop a sound understanding. of the links between events, thoughts and feelings. It helps to say in your self-talk: I dont have to do this I choose to.

Simplify your life by separating the essential from the unnecessary. Dont allow yourself to become the fixer' for other peoples problems. And dont be anybodys scapegoat. Establish clear and reasonable personal boundaries and stick to them. Claim the ten articles of the Assertive Bill of Rights they are yours. Learn how to use the assertive option that respects you as well as others. Extract from "The 12 Secrets of Health and Happiness" by Louise Samways ORGANIZATIONS AND BOUNDARIES Standing up for yourself in organizations: Once you understand and are able to use boundaries in personal life, standing up for yourself in personal and day-to-day relationships can become fairly straightforward because of the relatively equal power operating between the two people concerned. However, standing up for yourself in hierarchical organizatio ns can be quite another matter, In the armed forces, the police force and many businesses, a strict hierarchical structure has to exist in order for the organization to do its job properly. In such organizations, there should be clear codes of conduct and accountability, and other strategies, in place to safeguard everyone against abuse, bullying and intimidation. The long-term strength and effectiveness of these organizations depends on the effective operation of these safeguards. However, there are many organizations, particularly in business, where there are no safeguards operating other than those imposed by government regulations, for example antidiscrimination legislation, and occupational health and safety regulations. People working in such organizations can have a hard time protecting their rights and keeping their jobs. Ultimately, each individual has to decide what their limits are and choose either to put up with the status quo, to complain or to leave. Unfortunately, far too often people have to face the reality that in complaining they - may lose even if they win, for example when the woman who successfully brings a case of sexual harassment finds that the ill feeling is such that she cannot return to her job. In these situations, think very carefully and explore all the options before taking action. Be professional but human: Keep your professional life separate from your personal life by avoiding intimate relationships with staff. However, there are many jobs demanding mutual trust where appropriate personal disclosure helps unite an organization or team to make them far more effective, for example in teaching, the police force, hospitals and so on. But in general keep your personal life and problems at home. Attending work social functions and mixing in the tearoom or staffroom are vital to keeping in touch with the organizational grapevine. Gossip and rumour are natural consequences of peoples being together, and can be very constructive in bonding groups as they occu r only

when people are interested in each other. But dont engage in or encourage destructive gossip or rumour. The office Christmas party can ruin promising career or job prospects. Remember you are on duty at a Christmas party, where you can be more ruthlessly judged than in your professional role. At a Christmas party you are perceived as being more the real you so be on guard. Dont drink excessively, or at all if you cant tolerate alcohol. Dont get into heavy or deep and meaningful conversations. Keep yourself pleasant and happy. and make only appropriate personal disclosures, for example your interest in butterflies, not your desire to be a wizard. Ive always seen office politics as simply being the task of getting on with people and having some sensitivity to and consideration of other peoples needs as well as ones own. This approach seems to work extremely well and I have never needed to play games or stab people in the back. However, I have dealt with organizations that had a highly manipulative bullying management, in which case Ive either got out of the organization as fast as possible or have had to stand up to the people concerned, while realizing fully the personal and professional costs of doing so. Office politics does not have to be a dirty game. Stand back and assess the situation carefully before deciding whether o stay or to leave. Be aware at all times that if an organization plays dirty games and you try to go against this, you will probably be the loser: you are just too threatening for the more senior management to allow you to survive. Be satisfied, knowing that in the long term these types of organizations will destroy themselves anyway. If you are lucky enough to have come in at the top or as a consultant to change a corporate structure, you may have to be ruthless and get rid of key personnel in order to change an organizations destructive culture. If you own a business or are responsible for employing consultants, clarify your short- and long-term objectives. Consultants have a vested interest in providing short-term . As long as a consultant produces an illusion of short-term magic (that doesnt necessarily work in the long term), they will continue to be consulted. In the process they can create appalling human misery and devastating damage, particularly when hard-working and conscientious employees leave in disgust after watching deviousness and manipulation rewarded. Remember that happier workplaces enjoy less absenteeism and increased productivity. Inappropriate cost-cutting and downsizing can create spectacular short-term profits, but spectacular long-term problems and losses. If you are training managers, dont start with the wrong end of the stick. To develop people into managers who can create happier and healthier workplaces, it is far easier to sharpen the financial and business skills of genuine people than it is to teach natural interpersonal skills to cunning manipulators. Those doing the training must have real respect for and an interest in other people; cute phrases and rehearsed body language screams at people that they are being conned.

So dont ignore the politics of organizations. Instead become aware of and embrace them in a healthy, constructive way. If you are an employee, find an organization that will allow you to reach your potential without sacrificing your personal integrity, making you a happier and more productive person. If you own a business, think about how you can create a happier and healthier work environment. It pays! Learn how to avoid manipulation. Here are some techniques for overcoming avoidance. Broken record. When you find that you are dealing with someone who wont take no for an answer or refuses to grant you a reasonable request, you can carefully choose a concise sentence to use as your broken-record statement that youll say over and over again. You could say to your insistent four-year-old, "Jeff, I am not going to give you any more candy." You might say to the aggressive used-car salesman, "I am not going to buy a car today; Im just looking." You might say to the uncooperative store clerk, "I want you to give me back my money for this defective radio." Briefly acknowledge that you have heard the other persons point, and then calmly repeat your broken-record statement without getting sidetracked by irrelevant issues. "Yes, but.... Yes, I know, and my point is ... I agree, and ... Yes, and as I was saying ... Right, but Im still not interested." Content-to-process shift. Shift the focus of the discussion from the topic to an analysis of what is going on between the two of you. "Were getting off the point now." "Weve been derailed into talking about old issues. "You appear to be angry with me." Defusing. Ignore the content of someones anger, and put off further discussion unt il he has calmed down. "I can see that you are very upset and angry right now. Lets discuss it later this afternoon." Assertive delay. Put off a response to a challenging statement until you are calm, have more information, or know exactly how you want to respond. "Yes ... very interesting point ... Ill have to reserve judgment on that ... I dont want to talk about it at this time." Assertive agreement. Acknowledge criticism you agree with. You dont need to give an explanation unless you wish to. "Youre right. I did botch the Sudswell account." "Thanks for pointing out that I was smiling when I was trying to say no to that salesman. No wonder I couldnt get rid of him." "Youre right, boss, I am half an hour late ... my car broke down." Clouding. When someone is putting you down as a person, acknowledge something in the criticism you can agree with, and ignore the rest. Agree in part: "Youre right. I am late with the report." Agree in the probability: "You may be right that I am often late." Agree in the principle (agreeing with the logic without agreeing with the premise): "If I were late as often as you say, it certainly would be a problem." When clouding, rephrase the critics words so that you can honestly concur. By giving the appearance of agreeing without promising to change, you soon deplete the critic of any reason to criticize you.

Assertive inquiry. Invite criticism in order to find out what is really bothering the other person. "I understand you dont like the way I chaired the meeting last night. What is it about my behavior that bothered you? What is it About FutureVisions that you feel is pushy? What is it about my speaking out that bothers you?" Prepare yourself against a number of typical blocking gambits that will be used to attack and derail your assertive requests. Some of the most troublesome blocking gambits include: Laughing it off. Your assertion is responded to with a joke. "Only three weeks late? Ive got to work on being less punctual!" Use the content-to-process shift ("Humor is getting us off the point") and the broken record ("Yes, but... Accusing gambit. You are blamed for the problem. "Youre always so late cooking dinner, Im too tired to do the dishes afterward." Use clouding ("That may be so, but you are still breaking your commitment") or simply disagree ("Eight oclock is not too late for the dishes"). The beat-up. Your assertion is responded to with a personal attack. "Who are you to worry about being interrupted, youre the biggest loudmouth around here." The best strate gies to use are assertive irony ("Thank you") in conjunction with the broken record or defusing ("I can see youre angry right now, lets talk about it after the meeting"). Delaying gambit. Your assertion is met with, "Not now, Im too tired," or "Another time, maybe." Use the broken record, or insist on setting a specific time when the problem can be discussed. Why gambit. Every assertive statement is blocked with a series of "why" questions, such as, "Why do you feel that way.... I still dont know why you dont want to go ... why did you change your mind?" The best response is to use the content-to-process shift ("Why isnt the point. The issue is that Im not willing to go tonight") or the broken record. Self-pity gambit. Your assertion is met with tears and the covert message that you are being sadistic. Try to keep going through your script using assertive agreement ("I know this is causing you pain, but I need to get this resolved"). Quibbling. The other person wants to debate with you about the legitimacy of what you feel, or the magnitude of the problem, and so on. Use the content-to-process shift ("Were quibbling now, and have gotten off the main concern") with the assertion of your right to feel the way you do. Threats. You are threatened with statements such as, "If you keep harping at me like this, youre going to need another boyfriend." Use assertive inquiry ("What is it about my requests that bothers you?") as well as content-to-process shift ("This seems to be a threat") or defusing.

Denial. You are told, "I didnt do that," or "Youve really misinterpreted me." Assert what you have observed and experienced, and use clouding ("It may seem that way to you, but Ive observed" You Simply Cannot Afford to Have Any Problems. Tripling the Width of Your Personal Boundaries is a Good First Step HAVE YOU EVER noticed how some people simply do not have problems and that others attract enough to continuously keep their plate full? Why is that? When you're in the kind of state where problems just seem to pass you by, you are considered a "Problem-Free Zone." There are a number of ways to keep yourself a Problem-Free Zone, but one of the most important is establishing, extending and maintaining your personal boundaries. Every human has a right to establish boundaries to protect themselves from the humanity (i.e., problems, needs, concerns) of others. We all have boundaries of some kind, but many of us have established just enough of a protective circle around us to keep us from getting killed or damaged by others. What we actually need are boundaries to give us the extra margin of safety we all need to "get a good night's sleep" and to have the space to live freely, without having to maintain a constant watch for any intruders. Does this sound like gunfighters and the Old West? There are several points here that you need to understand if you hope to become a problem-free zone. They are: People are intruding on your space more than you know. Boundaries are limits you set, not walls or weapons. You get to decide how wide to cast your boundaries. You probably need to triple the width of your boundaries. To grow quickly, extend boundaries more than is needed. The more sensitive you are, the more you need boundaries.

Examples? Let's take a look at anger. 1. Most of us have a boundary we've set called "no hitting." Regardless of the provocation or the "weakness" of the other person, hitting us is just not okay. No matter what. (And as you know, some people have not yet established this boundary.)

2. The next "upgrade" of this boundary is "no screaming or yelling at me, whatever may happen." Do you have this one yet? If so, congratulations. If not, you should, for the sake of your integrity. 3. Next is the "no digs or cracks" boundary. This means that the other person cannot belittle, criticize, make fun of or make cracks or jokes about you or what you're doing. Period. That's period. (Cracks and digs are not humour; they are always a form of "acceptable" anger. Not any more!) 4. Next is the "no upset" rule. This gets a little tougher because you're now letting the other person know that they can't be upset with you. Wow. Isn't that controlling? you might ask. It could be, but not in this context. Let people know that you are not the kind of person who will knowingly or deliberately harm another. Given this, it's simply not okay for the other person to assume that you did something hurtful, thus allowing them to feel justified in being upset with you. (Now, if you did do something hurtful, and it was deliberate, this does not apply.) 5. Finally, welcome to the "unconditionally constructive" boundary. This means that you expect those in your life to always be honest, yet supportive and to cast what they say in a positive light. This level takes practice, so work with your family and friends until you are both satisfied. The process of your setting boundaries and working with your family and friends to understand and respect them is an investment that heads off many, if not most, of life's problems. The 10 Steps To Having Extensive Boundaries "Get" that you need to dramatically extend your boundaries. Be willing to educate others on how to respect your new boundaries. Be relentless, yet not punitive, as you extend boundaries. Make a list of the top 10 things that people may no longer do around you, do to you or say to you. Sit down and share your changes with each person involved; get their commitment to respect you. Demand that every single person in your life is always unconditionally constructive in every single comment to you: No more digs, make-funs, deprecating remarks, criticisms No matter what or who or the situation!

 Have and use a 4-step plan of action whenever someone violates your boundaries: Inform them of what they are doing that you object to Request they stop immediately Demand that they stop Walk away without any snappy or get-even comments Make a list of 10 ways you are violating others' boundaries. Stop violating the boundaries on that list. Reward, congratulate those who are respecting your boundaries. ___________________________________________________________________ Key Point A. Boundaries Help Define Who You Are And Who You Are Not. Healthy people have set boundaries, both to protect themselves from and to attract certain people. Boundaries are essential to becoming a healthy adult. Your boundaries act as a filter and permit those people who are at your level in life to come in and be a part of your life. And it stops others "at the door" who just are not ready yet for you. Boundaries also protect one from certain behaviour of those who otherwise "qualify." Understand boundaries Proper boundaries make the process of satisfying your basic Needs much easier. Strong boundaries keep abusive or needy people at a reasonable distance from you so that you are not drained and can spend your time with more beneficial people. Think of a boundary as a moat around your castle. The moat was designed to keep criminals out and the people inside the walls safe to pursue their interests. During times of conflict villagers could come inside the castle for protection. A drawbridge spanning the moat provided access and egress when the coast was clear. So it is with our lives. It is important to establish a safe distance from other people's needs (note, we say other people's needs, NOT other people.) Some people are needy and take advantage of others, particularly those who don't know how to raise the drawbridge (as in saying NO or leaving a situation before it starts costing them). Key Point B. Establish Bigger Boundaries Than You Actually Need. Learning how many and how big to set your boundaries is a personal experiment. Usually people don't set big enough boundaries. I suggest that you set much bigger ones than you

need. Be greedy, be a pain in the neck, be strong. The people who really care will understand. The process of setting boundaries involves the following steps: 1. Decide what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in other people. Only YOU can say what is okay and what is not. What are the behaviours that are unacceptable to you? Perhaps they include: No one may hit me/ No one may raise their voice to me/ No one may take advantage of me. Now lets go a little further. What behaviours are marginally acceptable to you? Are you prepared to make them unacceptable? The point here is to establish more - and bigger boundaries than you need. These might include: People MUST appreciate what I do for them if they want me to keep doing it/ People I care about must show it too/ My close friends must do nice things for me (or they are not true friends). See how this works - what you are doing is establishing boundaries to protect you from certain people and behaviours. You are settingstandards that people in your life must honour in order to be in your life.. Now that you have "drawn the line," you need to have a plan of action for those that cross the line. This is Step 2 of the process. 2. Know what you will do if someone exhibits unacceptable behaviour to you. The castle dwellers pulled up the drawbridge when enemies could be seen galloping along the road towards the castle. This assumes they had a lookout who could shout a warning in time to draw the bridge. We, too, must be able to "sense" when our boundaries are in danger of being violated, not as they are being crossed. This sensing is a skill that takes time to develop, but you can start now. What are three early warnings signs or cues that someone is about to cross over one of your boundaries? 1. 2. 3. Now, make a list of your options. Some examples are: Inform "Do you know that you are sighing loudly?" (shouting, etc.) Request "I ask that you thank me for what I've done for you." Instruct "I need for you to not touch me when you are angry."

Warn "You may never use those words to me." Attack "Stop, stop. I demand that you stop, right now." Leave "What you are saying (doing) is unacceptable to me. We can work this out when you are able to do so reasonably. I am now leaving to protect myself. I'm sorry that it had to come to this." 3. Do it regardless of the consequence. Only you can protect your boundaries. Usually it requires that you say something, do something or leave. Treating yourself well by respecting your boundaries (and making others do so also) is more important than a temporary consequence that probably will happen when you live this way. What are some examples of consequences that may occur as you pull up the drawbridge?

Key Point C. Boundaries Become Automatic At some point, your boundaries will be automatic, requiring no attention on your part and rarely tested by others. Why? Because you'll be exuding a temperament that most people will "get" and not want to mess around with. Ask Yourself... How do boundaries work for me? Can I go too far in setting boundaries? How would I need to act for people to get these boundaries without my having to be nasty, hard, or defensive? What is the powerful, yet graceful, way to interact or conduct myself?

Tips 1. Set boundaries because you KNOW you've got better things to do than put up with or tolerate what's coming at you from this person or situation. 2. You can be very, very graceful when setting boundaries; you needn't wield a machete or become a wall. 3. Setting boundaries is a skill that you can master. At first, you may be clumsy or go too far, but eventually, it will be a natural experience.

4. Give the people or situations that you extend your boundaries around a chance to grow with you and learn from you during this process instead of just announcing your boundaries in a "take-it-or-leave-it "announcement. Share what you are learning about boundaries with them and get them up to speed. 5. Setting boundaries is NOT a way to vent your anger. Often, people who have "taken it" from others for a long time discover the process of setting boundaries and use their new boundaries as a way to get even with others. Set your boundaries as a way to love yourself, not vent on others. 6. Having weak or undefined boundaries can be a source of great friction and energy for you. In fact, you may have learned to do quite well with this type of energy (albeit expensive and toxic). So, by setting or extending boundaries, you may find that the process reduces the amount of energy you are receiving! In other words, if you are resisting setting extensive boundaries, you probably are thriving on NOT having boundaries although you complain about or are hurt by people or situations invading your space. It may take some time to get used to the quieter, subtler, higher quality energy that is available once your boundaries are extended. Ease into and change yourself enough to be able to live well with this new type of energy.

Area A. Your Time. This is a biggie. The simple solution, of course, is to say "No" about 1000 times. Identify below where your boundaries are weak or where you are permitting others to cross them. Then, next to each one, write in a 2-word solution to the problem. Be specific. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9.

10. Personal Foundation Idea Bank You are given a new, stressful project by your boss. You are appointed head of the committee because no one else volunteered (or you volunteered because no one else did). Your children use you as a delivery service vs creating their own . You're the one who gets things done, so everyone gives you their stuff to do. You're the one people turn to, yet you're not getting paid for this. You say "Yes" when you mean to say "No".

Area B. Your Heart. Humans are sensitive creatures, but we're also pretty hardy, too. Fortunately, boundaries can be designed to allow us to be sensitive, no matter what. It's this sensitivity that is the source of our loving, caring, support, connection and magic with others. It is worth protecting and it CAN be well protected with boundaries. I don't think that most people intend to be hurtful in things they say or do, but regardless of their intent, we do get hurt; that hurt ranges from shutting us down to simply being annoying. It's all damaging.

Here's the type of language that you can use to extend your boundary. Feel free to adapt it to your culture and needs, but do be direct and directive. "That hurts. Please stop/please apologize." "You're not being nice to me. I am nice to you. You need to be nice to me or leave." "What you just said is inappropriate." "I am a very sensitive person and I ask that you respect this About FutureVisions and be careful what you say. I will do the same for you."

 "I've been doing some work on boundaries that will affect our relationship and I want to share with you what is alright and not alright to happen between us." "You know how you joke around about......? Well, I recently realized that it hurts me and I ask you to respect this and to stop doing it. What you CAN do is...." Make sense? Good. Now, on the lines below, write down the three people or situations hurting you the most, and then write in what you're going to say to them in the next three days, NOT waiting for a re-occurrence. 1. 2. 3.

Area C. Your Spirit (or "within"). This area is fun. You now get to decide what is said around you and what is not. And your "source" for this is the innermost part of you. The types of Spirit Boundaries include: Not accepting gossip from others. Not letting unaware people take up your space. Not debating or trying to prove your point with others who don't have a clue. Not being in environments that damage or diminish you within. On the lines below, identify the 5 Spirit Boundaries that you feel good about drawing or extending: 1. 2. 3. 4.

5.

Congratulations! You now have room to be you and to grow even more quickly. Big steps. Practical Steps away from taking on the world's problems Taking responsibility for others problems: Poking your nose into other peoples business will have two destructive consequences. Firstly. people resent our interference and get irritable and angry with you. They get angry because you are giving them clear messages that you dont think they are capable of solvi ng their own problems. The more you control your childrens lives physically and emotionally, the more dependent and less secure they will become. This is not to say you abandon them, but rather from a very early age you encourage them to do as much for themselves as possible physically and emotionally. Children and adults need loving support, but they dont generally need you to give them all the answers and to fix the problem. For instance, if your child complains of being teased: you could march down to the school next morning, child in tow, and demand that everyone from the principal down do something about it! Or you could empathize with how hurt your child feels and help them explore what is also going on in their own head about the teasing. Help them identify their own self-talk. He said Im dumb, therefore I am dumb, so I feel stupid. Help them to realize that someone elses label isnt necessarily true and that they can change the voice in their head to He said Im dumb, but what would he know? I can find maths tricky but I can read well and tell great stories and ... so Im definitely not dumb. Even very young children are impressed to realize that they can control their feelings by the self-talk in their heads. Of course, if the teasing is not a minor isolated incident then you should notify the school immediately. When someone starts to tell you their problems, just listen instead of coming up with all the answers, or if asked for advice, explore different options but insist they decide the best option for themselves. The more you either state or give the impression that you believe they have the ability to choose the best option for themselves, the more they tend to live up to that trust and faith. The second thing that happens when you take responsibility away from others is that you end up worn out. If you go around trying not to upset anyone, you inevitably put your own needs last and nobody ever listens to your problems. They suck you dry and move on, leaving you gasping. It can be a wonderful relief to hand back the problem to the person it belongs to:

Where is my maths book? I dont know, go and look for it. I havent got any socks. The drawer was full of socks. Look harder. He wont turn the music down. Perhaps you had better talk to him. That daughter of yours is getting very cheeky. Perhaps you had better talk to her. Johnny is upset about his exams; you can get through to him better than I can. In that case you had better talk to him so you can practise how to get through to him. If you hadnt insisted I do my chores I wouldnt have been late for football practice. If you had taken responsibility for doing your chores instead of watching TV you wouldnt have been late. Before you blindly step in to solve either an emotional upset or a problem, STOP and ask yourself two questions: Whose problem is this? Whose responsibility is this?

Personal boundaries Many people would love to off-load all that inappropriate responsibility but they find it hard to work out how much or how little responsibility they should feel. Either they build a wall around themselves and dont let anyone in, or they are unable to create appropriate personal space. This is particularly the case with anyone who has grown up in an abusive environment where their physical, emotional or sexual space has been violated or not allowed to develop. One of the most insidious consequences of child abuse is that the child, then the adult they become, does not feel they have any right to a personal private space. They come to believe that anyone can intrude right to the centre of their being and, depending on the abuse, this can be the emotional, physical or sexual self. In fact there is little concept of self; they belong to others, who do with them what they wish. This can also happen with people who have never been abused but who are particularly emotionally sensitive and have never been encouraged or allowed to develop limits to their sensitivity for their own survival. Sensitive people can be easy to manipulate for the benefit of

others. The child who senses friction between his or her parents and so does everything to keep the peace between them can be unconsciously or quite deliberately used by the parents as the peacemaker, not only in the parental relationship but in the sibling relationships as well. A young baby does not see itself as separate from its mother. The baby becomes distressed when its mother is away or out of sight because the degree of closeness is such that their personal boundaries are tightly intertwined. As the baby grows and plays with its toes to explore its own physical boundaries, it also begins to explore its world. With development comes a stronger and stronger sense of self as separate from others and the environment. If the growth of this self-concept is allowed and nurtured, the child develops independence and self-confidence. In the teenage years healthy development means that the concept of self becomes even stronger and the relative emotional position and distance of family and friends starts to change. Only then take appropriate responsibility, if any, for fixing it. Put the responsibility back where it should be and insist that those responsible solve it. Initially people will be annoyed with you as they are used to using you and not having to learn the skills to do whats necessary themselves. But once they get the message they will start to enjoy the responsibility because it empowers them with more personal control of their own lives. Thats one of the secrets of being happy. In business this can mean not just happier workers but much more profitable businesses. A manager needs to learn to direct responsibility and facilitate an environment where possible are offered for his or her consideration rather than allowing problems to be dumped on his or her desk. The more managers are able to put faith in those directly responsible for creating the , the more personal control these workers will feel and therefore the greater the personal satisfaction they will have in what they are doing. The energy gained from no longer carrying the worlds problems makes you feel lighter, bouncier and happier. Those of you who are very sensitive or who have been abused may need to first establish yourself as having the right to have a personal space: physically, emotionally and sexually. People in these categories often have no real personal boundaries at all and everything that happens to everyone else is felt as if it is happening to them as well. They suffer with the people in war zones; they suffer with their neighbors cancer; they feel the anguish of the death of a local child whom they dont even know; a bird killed by a car and dead on the road pains them; their childrens rejection or failure at school tortures them; their siblings marriage difficulty haunts them; their husbands lack of confidence distresses them. These people have no filters. Every bit of conflict, anguish, unhappiness or pain in the world is like an arrow shooting towards them and piercing their heart. Its very common for them to live, literally, with constant heartache and an aching jaw. Such a lack of filters and boundaries around yourself means that you have little sense of personal control and feel a victim of an unhappy and anguished world. It is common to end up in abusive family or work situations as you continue to allow people to dump their rubbish onto

you. However, once you allow yourself to claim your right to a self with personal space, and you place the people in your life within different boundaries, you suddenly take control. The boundaries become see-thru shields like bullet proof glass allowing you to see and hear whats going on, but controlling how far youallow things into your space, if at all. In this way you can imagine yourself observing lots of things but deliberately choosing your degree of involvement and type of response. Developing a clear idea of your personal space and your personal boundaries allows you to recognize more clearly what is an appropriate degree of responsibility, and also what your priorities are. Priorities can be cultural dynamite, because what are accepted priorities in one culture can be totally unacceptable in another. When an Australian Prime Minister cancelled an official visit to Japan to be with his wife while she had major surgery, the Australian community was completely supportive that he put his family needs and responsibilities first. However, Japan was outraged. In Japanese society public duty comes before family and many sections of the Japanese community saw his actions as an insult to Japan. Cultures and people who do put family needs above duty to country or employer report much higher levels of happiness than those where there is continual personal sacrifice to the needs (as stated by the government) of the country or an employer. Creating and controlling appropriate personal boundaries does not mean abdicating proper responsibility to and for others. Feeling socially and emotionally connected, committed and responsible to and for other people is vital for happiness and for physical and emotional health. The key is balance, and the crucial word is appropriate. A healthy degree of self-centredness allows you to create appropriate boundaries so that you dont walk around suffering everybody elses pain and trying to solve everybody elses problems. On the other hand, selfishness stops you from being able to empathize with other people. If you cant empathize, it i s almost impossible to form harmonious communities and long-term, healthy relationships between individuals. The often cruel selfishness now being promoted and applauded by politicians under the euphemism of individualism is the antithesis of what is needed to make us healthier and happier as individuals and as communities. Policies that reduce individuals responsibilities to each other lead to personal and social distress and deep insecurity. Not only does the health and happiness of individuals suffer, but the fears generated can lead to divisive intolerance and violence. If we want happy and safe communities, the message to corporations and governments is clear: to foster longer-term productive and peaceful communities, human needs based on appropriate, shared responsibility must take priority. Once you can recognize how much responsibility you should take about an issue it can be quite another matter to stand up for yourself.

Personal interactions tend to fall into three main styles: assertive passive aggressive. From my professional experience most of us grow up in families that operate in either a passive or an aggressive manner towards each other. If your preferred style is passive, you may also be highly manipulative in order to get your own way. You dont know how to do things directly, so you do it indirectly. Aggressive and passive styles are closely allied to the physiological fight-or-flight responses that we experience when threatened. When angered or cornered by a threat, the tendency is to run away. If we cant run away, we try to make ourselves invisible so that we wont continue to be attacked. Alternatively, we may be forced to become aggressive to defend ourselves. The fightor flight physiological response is not confined to physical threats; it is generated by emotional threats as well. In relationships and human interactions, the start of potential problems is the start of the chain: the perceptions that each person has of a particular event or interchange. If each person or at least one person hasnt learnt to manage and control the accuracy and appropriateness of their perceptions, beliefs, self-talk, feelings and responses in the chain reaction, then ordinary interactions can be fraught with misunderstandings and misrepresentations that are perceived as threats. Depending on the style of response (aggressive or passive) that you have seen in your own role models and your personality: you will tend to respond either passively or aggressively. An aggressive person respects their rights and gives no rights or respect to the other person. If you are aggressive, perhaps you need to remember that you dont have to be very clever to get your own way. To treat others with respect and to be unselfish takes integrity, honesty and an honourable personal moral code. A passive person acknowledges and respects the needs and rights of others but puts their own needs and rights last. Standing up to an aggressive person is particularly difficult if they have or take more power and are physically bigger than you and use their size to intimidate or bully you by invading your personal space. Although the assertive option is usually the best option to try, there are many situations where being passive is safer or where aggression is warranted for your own defence and safety. For instance, if you are mugged by someone who is armed, definitely take the passive stance. If a policeman pulls you over on the road, be passive. If your physical safety is threatened, depending on your assessment of the relative power of each person, you may decide to be

passive or aggressive, but rarely assertive. Yet there are some people who are used to using aggressive tone, body language, volume and physical presence to get their own way. Under these circumstances you may well find you simply have to raise your own voice, tone and so on simply to be heard, but you can still keep your words assertive rather than aggressive. Such people can perceive a quiet controlled voice as passive even when in fact it may be extremely assertive. But there is another way for human beings to interact. We can use verbal problem-solving skills. Until recently few of us in Western cultures had developed the skills needed to use them. With its strong emphasis on competition, Western culture champions the strong over the weak. Aggression is encouraged in everything from school contact sports to business takeovers. The passive approach is for weak wimps. However, while this may have been wonderfully successful in the short term for business and the economy, its no way to behave if you want successful long-term relationships or a successful long-term economy. Sooner or later, in order to defend themselves and their human dignity, passive people become passively aggressive. Passive aggression occurs when you say nothing openly but you just dont co-operate fully, or you throw spanners in the works to mess up things in such a way that it is difficult to lay blame. For instance, a passive spouse who has an aggressive, abusive partner may give the silent treatment, sulk, refuse to do jobs around the house that are normally their responsibility, be deliberately late and keep their spouse waiting. In the workplace the passiveaggressive worker can make deliberate mistakes, go slower, be uncooperative about change, give away company secrets, petty-pilfer, or even deliberately sabotage the company. In the long term, human beings and businesses need to develop better verbal problem-solving that respect the rights of all parties. This is called assertiveness. Before you can use the verbal problem-solving skills of assertiveness you need to adopt certain beliefs. In his bookWhen I Say No I Feel Guilty Manuel Smith describes ten rights people need to claim as beliefs in order to effectively stand up for themselves. (This book is one of the easiest to read on the subject and goes into more detail than is possible here.) For situations where there is relative inequality between you and somebody else, for example family, friends, other adults and colleagues~ and for those whose religious beliefs run counter to the idea of equal rights between men and women, use this information according to your own discretion. The basic skills of standing up for yourself The brokenrecord technique. The easiest way to manipulate people is to distract them from the real issue. This is usually done by making them feel they are being unreasonable, or by using red herrings or attacking the person so they feel they have to defend themselves. So to be assertive you need to be persistent and stay focused on the real issue. The broken-record

technique works by forcing the other person to deal with the real issue and no other. Let us explore the example of a customer returning a clock to a store after a hand fell off while it was being used for the first time. Customer: I bought this clock yesterday and the hand broke off the first time I wound it. Id like my money back. Sales assistant: That is a very good clock; the hand couldnt just fall off. (You are lying.) Customer: The hand did just fall off, and I want my money back. (Broken record.) Sales assistant: Weve never had this happen before. You must have overwound it or something. (You are lying.) Customer: No The hand fell off. Id like my money back. (Broken record.) Sales assistant: Youll have to contact the manufacturer. Its not our fault. (Evasion of proper responsibility; you are being unreasonable expecting us to pay.) Customer: You sold me the clock. The hand broke. I want my money back. (Broken record.) Sales assistant: Look lady. we didnt make the clock. We cant do anything about it. Its not our fault. (Shifting blame; you are unreasonable.) Customer: You sold me the clock. The hand broke. I want my money back. (Broken record.) Sales assistant: Ill get the manager. Manager: The hand wouldnt just break. My assistant has explained our policy and you are upsetting him. (Youre a liar, a nuisance and a bully.) Customer: The hand broke and I want my money back. (Broken record.) Manager: Give her the money! (Were not going to get anywhere with her.) Because of your sticking to the issue and not allowing yourself to get drawn into side issues or to be forced to defend yourself against attack, the sales assistant and the manager have to face the issue and solve the problem you are obviously not going to give in! Your tone of voice is very important. The same words can be assertive or extremely aggressive. Practise a tone that is respectful of the other person and is therefore assertive. The broken-record technique is also ideal when people refuse to take no for an answer. For example, sales techniques these days are more likely to consist of subtle methods to get a

conversation going so that sales staff can discover your needs, fears, and any obstacles to a sale. So no matter what they might say, stick to the issue: Im not interested. Saying no to friends can be more difficult as they may use emotional blackmail or issue veiled threats that your friendship will be jeopardized if you dont comply. If they do this, perhaps youd be better without them as friends. Real friends will respect your right to say no and have limitations. Again, make sure your tone is assertive, not aggressive. Friend Could I borrow your car tomorrow while mine is being serviced? You: No, I dont lend my car to anyone. Friend: What. not even me? (You dont trust your friends. Im hurt.) You: Its nothing personal. I dont lend my car to anyone. (Broken record.) Fri end: Well, after all the things Ive done for you! (Youre ungrateful) You: I appreciate the things youve done for me, but I dont lend my car to anyone. (Broken record.) Friend: Some friend you turned out to be! Anyway, everyone says youre selfish! (Distraction; personal attack to induce guilt.) You: Im sorry you feel that way, but I dont lend my car to anyone. (Broken record.) (Friend leaves in a huff.) After an exchange like this you can feel upset that your friend showed no respect for your right to say no, but you will not feel guilty: as you now believe you have a right to say no. The broken-record technique is necessary only when you feel that the other person is not respecting your needs or rights equally. Its a way of establishing your equal rights and self respect in the exchange so that you come away feeling good about yourself. However, if you feel there is genuine respect for your rights and needs, you can use other options. Workable compromise. This allows you to choose to come up with a solution that will perhaps meet your needs as well as those of your friend. If your friend had to take his mother to the doctor when his car was being fixed, you might offer to give him a lift. You might even decide to lend the car for that specific period of time, feeling that since he respected your position he can be trusted. Feedback on behavior. Although you cant force people to be nice to you or to treat you with respects letting them know how their behavior affects you is an extremely effective and powerful way for you to assert your right to feel the way you do. At the same time, this When

you do X I feel Y formula gives other people feedback on the consequences of their behavior. This can encourage abusive or difficult people to modify their behavior. For example: When you speak to me that way, I feel you dont respect / love / like me. When you ignore my requests for help, I feel you are taking me for granted/despise me/think I am your slave. When you dont do your chores, I feel unappreciated.~ When you dont clean up the bathroom after yourself, I feel humiliated that you think its OK that I have to use it in your mess. Even if your reactions are unjustified, your feedback gives the other person the opportunity either to change their behaviour or to reassure you that your interpretation is not their intention. Expressed calmly without condemnation, this is an extremely powerful way for couples, or teenagers and their parents, to develop better understanding and communication. But make sure that your tone of voice and your body language are neutral, otherwise what you say could come across as emotional blackmail. Appropriate assertion. Unfortunately men who are aggressive, bullying or unsure of themselves can read strong assertive behaviour in men as acceptable, but in women as aggressive. If this happens to you, think long and hard about your tone of voice, your body language and your choice of words. If in your own mind your behaviour is appropriately assertive, stick to your guns and realize that such a reaction in a man is a reflection of his insecurity or in competence and not a reason for you to please him by becoming passive. Of course, sometimes the reverse can be true. Women who claim to be assertive when they are actually rather aggressive can read men and women who stand up to them assertively as aggressive! On the rare occasions that I have been accused of being aggressive, the accuser either has been someone not doing their job properly or had something to hide. Sometimes my assertiveness has quite unwittingly threatened them with exposure and/or accountability. If you stumble across a situation like this, an aggressive reaction to your appropriately assertive behavior can be the first clue that there is something wrong. Time management. Having personal control of your life also means managing your time well and learning to delegate responsibility. People who are busy with activities that satisfy them, and that are stimulating and challenging (but not overwhelming), are more likely to be happy. People who do not allow themselves to become involved in jobs or situations beyond their ability or skill level, but who also seek out opportunities to extend themselves in their time, will also be happy. Good time management does not mean cramming into a day more than anyone else in an effort to prove how important you are. The business executive who talks to a client while

instructing his secretary, taking phone calls, reading faxes and drinking coffee is not impressing anyone. Rather he is displaying a disturbing tendency to let himself be controlled by outside demands. People in power need to have the personal strength and capacity to be in control of the situation and not have the situation controlling them. Besides, sharing the load doesnt just give you more control and make you happier; taking on more responsibility can help make other people happier too. Happiness does not come from being busy for busys sake; it comes from a degree of planning, which allows a sense of personal control, and which provides room for things to look forward to as well as joyful spontaneity. The Top 10 Tips for Working with Difficult People Dealing with difficult people is ...well, difficult for most of us. Hostile and aggressive people put us on the defensive, cause us anxiety, frustrate our coping skills, and take us out of our comfort zones. Here are 10 tips for diffusing aggressive behaviour and getting your needs met. 1. Set strong boundaries. Let the aggressor know that there are certain types of behaviors and actions that are unacceptable to you. For example, let them know that you will not accept/allow profanity in your conversations. 2. Defer discussions. When a situation is escalating and both parties are upset with each other is not a good time to reach resolution of a conflict or difference of opinion. Agree to talk at a later time when the emotional charge has dissipated. 3. Confront the aggressive behaviour. Allowing someone to consistently abuse you either verbally or physically is to become an enabler. Confronting lets the person know that you are aware of the behavior and that it is "not ok" with you. Communicate your boundaries. 4. When confronting the unacceptable behaviour, use a neutral tone. You may have to defer discussion so both of you can cool off and sHigh rationally in mutual respect. 5. Communicate your observations and feelings in an unthreatening way. Stating "I feel upset when..." is better than "because you..." because it does not put the aggressor on the defensive. When people are in defensive mode, they stop listening.

6. Practice the "broken record" technique. Repeat your comments over and over without regard to what the other person is throwing at you that may place you on the defensive. Continue this process until you are acknowledged and you can move forward in the conversation toward resolution. 7. Watch your verbal tone, speed and pitch, body language, and posture. Maintain eye contact. Talking too fast gives away your nervousness in confronting the situation. High pitch and tone comes across as hysterical and emotional, not rational. Eye contact lets the person know that you are expecting resolution. 8. Ignore counter-attacks. This goes along with the broken record technique. Avoid responding to the attacks, focus on your message. 9. Avoid "feeding into" the accusations. You don't need to respond or explain your position, you only need to state it as fact. You want to state your boundaries without having to defend or explain them. 10. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict. Acknowledge your wrongdoing (if appropriate) without excusing or taking blame for the other person's actions/behavior. Boundaries Handling Demanding Parents What do you do when your parents are abusive to you? Katies elderly parents are no longer able to live alone and have moved in with her and her husband. All through her life this daughter has been verbally abused by her mother. It has been said that whatever disposition we have in our middle years will be magnified tenfold in our old age. It is proving to be true in this case. Katies mother is more abusive in the way she speaks to her daughter now than she has ever been. Katie is trying to honor her parents by caring for them as a dutiful daughter "should". She says, "And its killing me." Her mother continually says, "Youre terrible and I wish I didnt have to live with you. I hate it here." Katie said, "I try to convince her that I want her here and its the best place for her and Dad to live right now." Unfortunately, her mother just gets more aggressive in her abuse, often even screaming at Katie.

I suggested Katie stop trying to make her mother all better by changing her mothers feelings. Let her hate being there if she wants to. Validate her by saying, "It must be hard to leave your own home and live here." If her mother persists in her abuse, it might be well to say "Maybe youre right, Mother. This may not be the best place for you. Where would you like to live?" She tried this approach the next day and her mother said, "We need a place of our own again and were going to find one." Katie wisely said, "I understand, I have to run some errands this afternoon and while Im out Ill look for a place for you." Her mother hasnt mentioned it since. However, she kept abusing and insulting her daughter but never in front of her son-in-law. She knows he wont allow it, either. I suggested to Kate that her mother needs to know SHE wont allow it either. A boundary needed to be set. Now, when her mother starts her abusive attacks, the daughter says, "You may not sHigh to me that way, Mother. When youre ready to be civil, then Ill talk with you." Then she walks away. Her mother is starting to treat her with more respect. She knows her daughter will not be abused anymore. Katie said, "I was about to lose my mind but I think Im going to be okay now. I r ealize that my life would have been much better if I had set boundaries a long time ago. I just didnt know I could nor did I know how." Kindly setting your boundaries can dramatically improve any relationship though in some cases it may take some time until the parent understands that the boundary is real, as is your love for them. Changing habits is a matter of "building muscle" around the new way of being. Some cases may need the help of a counsellor. In severe cases some parents may need medication to calm them. If you think this is needed, talk it over with your parents doctor. In some cases setting the right boundary may have to mean moving the parent to a nursing home. When a parent deteriorates to the stage when it finally becomes necessary. A loved one may not be willing to make the move into a care centre, however, When this happens and a parent says, "I dont want to go there. I want to stay here," the best thing you can do is validate your loved ones feelings with a comment like, "This must be very difficult for you, Mother." Then let her talk and freely express her feelings. Keep validating WITHOUT SAYING ".but you must go." I urge people to avoid the word "but" because it discounts the validating phrases. Use "and" instead when you set the boundary, such as, "Im sad with you, Mother. I love you and want the best for you AND this is the right move for you." Reassure her that you will visit her often and that she will always be included in important family events. Be kind, gentle, respectful and firm regarding the decision once it must be made. In most cases parents make the adjustment just find. It is only when loved ones fail to visit and stop giving loving attention that they feel abandoned. Frank reported her need to set a boundary with her aging mother. Heres her report:

My mother was living alone in her apartment and was able to take care of most of her personal needs. However, I became increasingly concerned about her meals. She had always enjoyed cooking and wanted to continue. I discovered that some food items were being burned while others were scarcely being warmed through. Her food preparation was unsanitary in some cases. It worried me. Sometimes she would forget even to eat. I was travelling a lot with my job and was unable to help with her meals on a regular basis. Thats when I decided it was time for Meals on Wheels (a state-run program that provides meals at low cost delivered to the elderly and homebound). When I told mother about it she was not happy. In fact, she said, "Nobody else is going to cook my meals." I told her I understood that she had enjoyed cooking; however, now it was her time to enjoy someone elses cooking. She still resisted. I ordered the meals anyway and was with her the first day they were delivered. She looked right at the girl delivering the meal and said, "You cant make me eat that." The girl replied, "Youre right , but you might like it." And she left. The meal looked quite tasty and mother sad down and ate it while we visited. Then she said, "Tell them not to bring any more meals." I said, "Mother, the girl is going to bring you a meal every day at this same time, so I hope you will enjoy it. Youve pampered everyone all your life and now its your time to be pampered." She still was not happy about it but the decision has been made and she went with it. Before long she became accustomed to the meals and even looked forward to them. We never need to be swept away by someone elses needs or desires, including those of our parents. Validation means we walk beside them as they express their emotions but we are not manipulated by them. We can validate a parents feelings and still maintain our boundaries. For example, lets say your mother has become a vegetarian and enjoys this new lifestyle. In her enthusiasm she wants to convert everyone to her way of thinking especially you. As a result she is continually criticizing your eating habits and trying to convince you that eating meat is tantamount to walking through a minefield. Since you enjoy and occasional steak and see nothing wrong with it, youre more than a little annoyed by her continual preaching. To put an end to it, at least in your presence, you might try validating her feelings with a comment like, "Im glad you enjoy the new lifestyle youve chose n, Mom, and I think its great for you. I want you to know that I love you and appreciate your concern for me." Then follow up with your boundary, "However, I choose to eat differently. Please do not criticize my eating habits again. This is what I have decided.and thank you for your concern." Then change the subject and treat her normally after that. You may need to repeat this process a few times until she understands you really mean it. You may even need to drop the "please", but always speak calmly and respectfully.

Another example might be the following situation that adult children face. Your father is critical of the way you spend your money. He thinks you need to be more frugal and tells you how important it is to save your money. Every time you buy new furniture, a new car, or some other expensive item he tells you how foolish it is. He then gives a magnificent discourse on the wisdom of being more frugal and launches into stories of how he has so carefully watched his money through the years. Youve heard the stories before and you dont want to hear them again. In fact, you dont want your father involved in your financial business at all. If you ask him for money, thats another matter but we are assuming here that you didnt. What can you do? Try validating him by saying, "Dad, I understand your concern for me. Thanks for your suggestions." You have the choice now to weight what he has said, choose to use his ideas or not, and then leave it alone. Or you may not want any more interference. If yo u dont, you can set your boundary by saying kindly, "Dad, please do not tell me how to use my money anymore. I may make some mistakes and I may not; however, I will take care of my money myself. Do not criticize my spending habits anymore." Then treat him normally after that. It is important to remember that boundaries are set by being kind, gentle, respectful and firm. You can set any boundary and still keep a good relationship with your parents if you stay in control of yourself and use these guidelines. Its when we lose control and forget to be kind, gentle and respectful that the relationship becomes strained or broken. On the other hand, when we are only kind, gentle and respectful without being firm, then the problem can go on endlessly, which also leads to strained and broken relationships between parents and grown children. Some parents live their lives through their children by controlling them even after they are grown and married by controlling them even after they are grown and married. The control will last only as long as you allow it. The key to maintaining a good relationship after you have drawn your boundaries is to treat your parents normally. Dont withdraw by not calling or writing or by stopping your visits with them. That behaviour is not kind, gentle and respectful. Treat them normally. It works in perfect harmony with setting boundaries. Listen to your parents give them your full attention. Listen to the feelings being expressed. Listen to the needs and try to UNDERSTAND. Use validating phrases such as, "I think that would be difficult. Im sorry youre hurting," or some other appropriate phrases, and dont give any advice. Use validating phrases such as, "I think that would be difficult. Im sorry youre hurting," or some other appropriate phrase, and dont give advice. If they start telling you what to do about your life just listen, validate and then them for caring. You dont need to defend anything. Take what works for you and ignore the rest. If you need to restate or set a boundary, do it kindly, gentle, respectfully and firmly; then treat them normally and express your love. By practicing validation every time you visit with them it will become a natural part of your conversation. The rewards will be well worth the effort.

Time Alone is essential - even (especially!) when You have a Family Claim "time alone" as a parent whether you are a single parent or husband and wife - and make this a part of family life. Life is immensely complicated. We are beseiged with details and responsibilities, with things we must do and things we ought to do. In our age of technology, there are new challenges as we work to gain some kind of mastery over the latest electronic helpers: computers, faxes, electronic mail, software programs and ever more complex telecommunications equipment. We have our jobs, our autos, our cell/mobile phones, our friends, our family, our physical condition, our education, our written diary/calender and our electronic ones. Now we have added to all this the need for personal growth. The list is endless and so far we have only been talking about a single individual. The complexity increases as we enter into partnership and this may include a larger family system. The quality of a marriage (or marriage-type relationship) often plummets once the children are born. Relationships need time for nurturing and if all that energy is going into the children, what is left for each other or oneself? Time for oneself and in a relationship time to be together without interruption is essential if the relationship is to be recharged.. Protect this time. Teach your children that there are times you need to be alone. You do not have to be cruel or dismissive about this, just let your children know when you need some "time alone." They can learn to respect this and then, in turn, when they are parents they will know how to take this kind of time with their own partners. But how can I tell this to my children? You may be thinking to yourself, "These are pretty good ideas, but what in the world am I to tell my children?" Its amazing how terrifying this prospect can be! Whatever will you tell them? How do you let your children know that you need time alone? How do you get them to understand why this is necessary for us as adults and how, in turn, it will benefit them? What exactly do you tell them you will be doing when youre away overnight? How do you explain the need for romance to a six-year-old? Worse yet, to your thirteen-year-old who is struggling with a case of galloping puberty? How do you get your three-year-old to understand that you need time to reconnect with somebody other than her? If these questions make your blood run cold, then you are like most parents. You do not feel entitled to have a life of your own, one that is independent of your children. Their needs come first and yours lag behind. Before you think about communicating these ideas to your children, you realize how much feeling all this stirs up in you. Yet, if you think about it, its obvious that a good relationship with each other (and within yourself) has to be as good for your children as it is for you.

So relax and take a deep breath. Think things through. As with any setting of boundaries, weigh the consequences of your own actions. Pay attention to both sides of yourselves the sides of you that are totally involved with the children and want to be sure this well, and the sides of you that are primarily interested in relationship with each other or within yourself and which wants to pay less attention to the childrens. Remember that this balance is important. You are keeping needs and feelings of your children in mind while you are claiming time and space for yourself or your adult partnering relationship. Why not approach this in much the same way as you explained to your children why you go to work? That will put you in a more objective frame of mind and many of your difficulties will dissolve. You are dealing with something very similar, after all, since basically you are telling your children that they are not in charge of your life. You are setting boundaries and, at the same time, you letting them know that they are also very important to you. The underlying principle is that what is good for you and your relationship is good the family system. Think of it as you would a good job; it contributes to everyones well being. How did you explain to your children about having to go to work and leaving them behind? Were willing to bet that you didnt suffer nearly as much guilt over this. You w ere probably very matter-of-fact. You just explained that grown-ups go to work. They go to work in morning and come back at night. Since you know that this separation can be difficult for children, and we might add, a bit difficult for you when theyre being particularly delicious, you might even have already developed some rituals that help with this transition. Inevitably, your children will ask what you are going to do when you are not with them. Watch out for the need to explain your actions and to just ify them. Again, lets think about work. When parents go to work, they do things. They often cannot tell their children what they do or how they do it. Its just too complex to explain what you do as a lawyer, or a psychologist, or an economist. They are not going to understand. You explain your absence in some age-appropriate fashion. You tell the two-year-old that you are going away tonight and that Grandma or their babysitter, Cathy, is going to be there with them. Explain this in the same kind of matter-of-fact way that you would explain a business trip. With older children you might want to speak with them about the need for parents to have time alone with one another. This will help to teach them good partnering skills for their adult relationships. Explain the idea of time alone in two ways. First, let them know the practical nature of your time together; it gives you time to arrange for the business details of everyday living. For instance, you need time to talk about the new house that all of you are going to enjoy. Second, let them know the importance of the feeling part of your relationship, that your relationship is the foundation of the home. You can explain that

this time alone helps you to feel good with each other or closer to each other or even to work out disagreements in private. Let them know that this is important because when you are happy with each other you can build a healthy, solid home in which everything works better. Actually, you might never even need to explain anything. Children are pretty observant and they notice that parents are usually more cheerful and relaxed after their time alone. But, whenever you do it, claiming time for yourselves and your relationship is not much different from setting any other kind of boundary. Do with forethought and conviction, in a matter-offact fashion. Your ability to honor your relationship and to claim time for yourself gives your children a good example to follow. You will notice that if you set boundaries in a thoughtful way they will also learn to set their own boundaries easily and gracefully and to take time for their own important relationships. It is so essential to proper boundaries that separate your adult relationships from the relationship you have with your children. This is reassuring to everyone. Roles are clearly defined and boundaries intact and appropriate. The home feels solid. All this is as true for stepfamilies and adoptive families as it is for families of origin. Other people will always be important in your life. Operating in a vacuum wont get you there; understanding how relationships-fit into the puzzle will. Relationships are a key factor in your success, not because of what other people can do for you, but rather because of who you can become by being in their presence. I dont mean that people with the right amount of power or status will help you become who you want to become (although that can help). I am saying that relationships exist to help you get a handle on who you are and who you want to become. Youll want to learn how to choose those that elevate you to the top. Relationships are the vehicle by which your success will come to you. They are like the cilia that move a cell along its journey, supporting it, protecting it, and keeping it flexible while moving it along its path. Relationships will help you be your best if you choose them well. You know this is true. You know that no one is an island, and yet you dont pay enough attention to who accompanies you off that island and ultimately on your journey to the top. HOW TO CHOOSE When you start becoming conscious about your human connections, both professional and personal, when you raise your awareness about who you spend time with and whether or not they elicit your best, you run the risk of losing a couple of longstanding fixtures in your life. Some people have been in your life for a very long time just because you share a history or you feel a sense of loyalty to them, although they stopped contributing positively to your life a while ago. You risk losing them, but I know it is well worth it. To get to the top of your game, you will have to become very selfish. That includes rubbing obligation out of your repertoire

and only forming and keeping relationships out of choice. Choose to have certain people in your life; choose to let others go. There are essentially three types of relationships: those that will sink you, those that will float you, and those that will rocket you. What makes them different is the amount of energy they take from or give to you. Lets take a look at each one so you can recognize them when you are in them and focus your relationship-building efforts where they will count. The energy-draining relationshipThis is a lead weight dragging you down, holding you back, or sinking you altogether. Your energy is being siphoned, and yet you may not be aware of it. There could be signs of a co-dependency if your well-being is wrapped up in this persons wellbeing, or vice versa. The other person has to be OK for you to be OK. In its less dramatic form, this relationship requires a great deal of effort to work. The energy-dependent relationshipThis relationship is more like a flotation device. Its pleasant and its equal in a tit for-tat sort of way. Each person takes turns being dependent on the other, and it all works pretty well. The balance is not necessarily bad, but it is not extraordinary. The energy-exchange relationshipThis relationship is the rocket, but Im not talkin g about the fireworks that are cliches for romantic relationships. I mean a business or personal relationship in which there is such a powerful exchange that the relationship becomes a conduit for creativity. The two people are so equal that when they get together, neither is stealing energy from the other, so there is enough energy to create with. These are the people with whom you tap into your best ideas, or invent something, or feel inspired by or get in touch with the better parts of yourself. In other words, they bring out your best. I am by no means suggesting that you dump people in your life because they go through a rough time and need more support from you. Any one relationship can go through these three levels at a given time. Just the same, look at the relationships in your life as these three types to determine who is great for you. Great people are not necessarily great for you, so be careful to make that distinction in choosing who you keep in your life. Does that sound harsh? Well, its up to you. Why would you purposely keep people in your life who hold you back? If you dont think you have a choice, you are mistaken; there is always a way. If you choose to keep these people in your life, that is your prerogative; however, ask yourself why and set boundaries to what kind of time you spend with them. "What about family? You dont have any choice about your family." Not true. You can redefine those relationships although they are steeped in tradition and, sometimes, bad habits. Ask them for what you need. Tell them what support looks like for you. Teach them how to be with you. Does that sound abnormal or unnatural? Its definitely uncommon, but it is the most natural thing in the world to right a relationship you have let be wrong for so long. A client of mine had been putting up with his brothers insensitive comments for years. They had had a

history of ribbing each other and being verbally abusive as a way of showing support and affection. The brother who was working on himself had outgrown this, and he began to avoid his brother. Once he understood that he could change the situation, he had a whole new approach the next time he saw his brother. He finally said, "You know, your support means a lot to me, but my definition of support has changed. I want to hear positive statements and praise instead of horsing around. Maybe Ive gone serious on you, but thats what I need." It was hardly an issue. The direction and tone of the request changed their relationship instantly, and they were happy to be back together. Remember: You are not putting up with anything anymore, which means that youll probably have to reeducate some people if they are going to stay around you. Interpersonal boundaries are invisible; you have to communicate them for them to be known. If other people cant comply, you may have to make an effort to avoid them altogether. You may need to fire some people from your life. This may mean literally firing people in a business situation, if that is appropriate and substantiated, but, more importantly, it means firing people emotionally. You will no longer be investing in them or in your relationship with them. if people cannot respond to honest feedback and direct requests to change something, then they are not willing to change and are no longer your problem. My rule is: Three strikes and youre out. Look; we cant change other peoplewe can only change ourselves. The only way to make progress, once youve tried unsuccessfully to work things out, is to get out. If you dont do this, you will only have more dead weight holding you back from what you want. It will keep you from having room in your life for the people who do bring out your best. Think about it: What three things get in your way most often that a boundary could help alleviate? Put your new boundaries in place. Boundaries wont work if other people dont know they are there. In Davids case, once he had the proper boundaries in place with his boss, getting the position that he really wanted finally came down to getting back in touch with what he was good at. Getting stuck often has a lot to do with forgetting why you do what you do, or what attracted you to it in the first place. If youre too far away from that, you will be dissatisfied. Other times, you just may have outgrown your job altogether, and there may be no place to use your talents. In the first situation, you need to get back to doing what you love, and in the other, you need to find out where your strengths have developed and find a new place to use them. Get Unstuck and Rev Up 1. Make a list of all the things you are procrastinating about or putting up with in your personal and professional life. 2. Eliminate EVERY item on that list. 3. Put extensive boundaries in place to keep those things from infringing on you again.

4. Get in touch with your strengths and gifts, and make the appropriate changes to honor them fully. 5. Make a pact with yourself never to put up with anything again. 6. The Top 10 Keys To Understanding Boundaries and Standards 7. 1. Boundaries are what others cannot do to you/around you; standards are what you do (and, to some extent, what you wont do). By drawing this distinction, we humans can more quickly learn about ourselves and understand the role that we play and the role that others play in our lives. If we called everything boundaries, it would all be about being a NO! in life -- all about self-protection. 8. 2. Boundaries are what you have determined that other people or environments cannot do TO you. Period. So, Boundaries are basically ~. No! "No, you cannot be rude to me. ""No, you cannot ignore me." "No, you cannot dump that task on me." 9. 3. Standards, however, are the behavior/excellence that you naturally hold yourself to. So, standards are basically a Yes! "Yes, I treat others well. ""Yes, I am honest. ""Yes, I am someone who learns quickly "Yes, I dont tolerate much. "However, dont lump your should or could in with your standards. Shoulds and coulds are behaviors/actions that either you arent ready for yet or which are not right for you. Lifes too short for coulds and shoulds. Stick with whats good for you and healthful for you right now, without having to force yourself Dont make yourself raise your standards; just sense which standards is ready to be naturally raised. (Willpower is a character defect, some say.) 10. 4. Boundaries and Standards (B&Ss) are like training wheels, often helpful when learning to ride a bike. As one becomes aware of the notions of boundaries and standards, which are key elements in the Personal Foundation process, they spend a year or two strengthening (extending their boundaries and (raising) their standards. Getting these two areas handle d permits a person to really be themselves and to make the most of their life Boundaries are important because we humans are fundamentally animals with a instinctual need to survive. Boundaries keep us safer from threats, real or imagined. Standards are our human "being" side, where we humans have been given the opportunity to become great, to develop into our highest selves and thus able to more enjoy life and able to enjoy and share the gifts that we have been given. 11. 5. Watch out for the B & S Trap, because there is one! I actually wrote this particular Top 10 List to make this key point. The trap is that we humans begin to define ourselves by our boundaries and standards, thus we use B&Ss to validate us only externally. Its okay to do this early on, but at some point, B&Ss become unn ecessary (well, almost), because weve actually grown beyond them and have developed our reserve levels, ability to attract (irresistible attraction) and have become completely responsible. At this point, B&S's become a limiting factor in our lives just as training wheels prevent the rider from leaning as far into the curves as they want or need to. 12. 6. Whats the way out of the B & S Trap? Once you see the limitations of boundaries and standards, you can probably move beyond them. I think that Ill always have my boundaries and standards and I expect that they will continue to extend and rise during the rest of my life. However, theyve become less of a focus or measure of development and life. They just are. I say that they even extend and raise on their own, without me having to "watch out" or "correct them.,, Im coming to believe that the strengthening

of ones B&Ss builds a muscle and creates a self-managing and regulating "system" that requires little attention. 13. This is assuming that youve truly gotten the notion of B&Ss and have completed your Personal Foundation work. This, because B&Ss will never become automatic and selfmanaging if you have major in completions in your life, have wounds that a therapist is needed to help heal, are addicted to substances or are compulsive, or if you have lots of energy drains. B&Ss need room to develop themselves, just as a new bicycle rider needs room to ride and practice turning. Energy drains, incompletions, emotional damage, etc., PREVENT the natural development of B&Ss. Yes, you can still work on your B&Ss, but they probably wont last long and youll wonder why your boundaries keep being invaded and your standards never become natural or consistent. So, the solution is to work on all of the areas of the Personal Foundation process. Dont expect B&Ss .o develop fully without a comprehensive approach. B&Ss, while essential are just one part of the process and are interdependent with the other components of your Personal Foundation. 14. 7. Which comes first, Boundaries or Standards? The Chicken or the Egg? Which comes first, Boundaries or Standards? Simply put, Boundaries do. You gotta say no, before you can sustainable say yes. Sure, you can be a very positive person, surrender to the universe, say yes to everything and hope for the best. A tempting approach, but one thats fraught with pain, threat, and a huge, missed opportunity called: YOU! Without a strong personal Foundation, theres little chance that you will be able to access, develop and fully enjoy the gifts and talents that you have been given. What a waste! 15. 8. How do Boundaries and Standards work together? Whats the dynamic between them and you? There is a strong dynamic between Boundaries and Standards. Every time you extend a boundary, you will naturally and almost automatically be able to raise a standard. And, then. when youve raised a standard and you feel comfortable with it, youll then find yourself naturally extending another boundary, then a standard, and so forth, for about a year or two of this back and forth. Its that simple, albeit not necessarily easy. Thats why it is essential to work on all elements of your Personal Foundation concurrently with your B&S development work. The other Personal Foundation areas give you the space and energy to strengthen your B&Ss. Strong B&S give you the space to create a reserve and become much more Irresistibly attractive. Most people have to "go up the ladder" from Personal foundation to Reserve to then to Attraction. I wish this wasnt true or needed, but, right now, this is how it works. At some point in the development of these concepts and programs, well find a better way to speed you up the food chain! That said, however, its very smart to become familiar with the notions of Reserve Levels (RL) and Irresistible attraction (IA) even before youve done a lot of work on your Personal foundation, because RL and IA are what youre doing the PF" rk for anyway and will offer a glimpse into what is possible for you -- a glimpse that will inspire and motivate you during your B&S and PF work. 16. 9. OK, I think I get it about Boundaries & Standards and their role in my development. Now what? Good question! Let me think Ah, the first thing is to notice is if youre caught in the B&S Trap. Do you find that people step on you and violate the boundaries that youve set, even though you had thought youd made them clear to others (and to

yourself)? This is completely normal, but you need to see that youre caught in the B&S Trap. I usually suggest that you quickly jump to establishing a positive standard for yourself--one that eclipses the need for that specific boundary that you cant seem to honour/enforce. Perhaps you don't even need that boundary, which would explain why it isn't working. 17. Perhaps you just think you need or should have the boundary. For instance, you need to rely on your standards more than your boundaries when dealing with clients professionally. You're not their parent; they are not the in-your-face enemy; its not an adversarial relationship; they are likely not taking anything from you that you need to protect. 18. Come on, theyre just being customers! Be flattered that they think you re worth working with. Sure, if they become a pain or disrespectful of your time, you can constructively educate them by sharing your boundaries, but do so ONLY after you are very clear on who you are and what your professional service standards are. 19. So, before you enforce a boundary, first look for what the opportunity is for you to learn and to offer all of your clients something extra. If one client is asking or something (by violating boundaries), others are too, although silently. remember, if you orient around your clients success (hint, theres standard worth orienting around) instead of trying to enforce your boundaries, youll become very, very successful given your best client swill stay with you forever if you can find a way to serve them that doesnt hurt you. I say that there is almost always a solution here, if youre willing to raise your standards and offer more to your clients, especially your best clients. Personally, I exempt my Top 5 Clients from most of my professional boundaries and I tell them so. Are they thrilled? Are they respectful? Yes, yes and yes. 20. Just become an absolute YES to your Top 5 clients. Dont be picky with them; dont make them do it your way; dont constantly "measure or count" your time with them. Trust that they have a lot to teach you and learn from the experience. If you do, youll get tons of referrals from them and youll have these clients for life. And, youll make a heck of a lot of money in the process -- far more than if you try to put these Top 5 clients in a "boundary box. Instead, view them as your personal R&D department that is paying you. These clients are your inter developmental partners; they are more than clients and you are more than just a vendor to them. 21. 10. You are so much more than your Boundaries and Standards. Boundaries and Standards are key to your development but don't let them become all that you are about nor identify yourself via your Boundaries and Standards. And don't use them as weapons or patronise people with them. Please. Enjoy this stage of your personal development. Just put up a tent until you are finished and move on to more rewarding and fulfilling areas. 22. Boundaries and the Centre 23. The concept of focusing on centre as opposed to focusing on boundaries. 24. We live in a world that demands our attention, eg: May I have your attention please? Pay attention! Pagers, cell phones, e mail, voice mail, television, telemarketers, kids, significant others, careers, etc. We are constantly asked to place our attention on the outer. What we pay attention to becomes the most important part of our lives. Actually,

where we place our attention is who we are in the simplest sense. By placing our attention on the centre or the essence (soul?) that is connecting with our power. Boundaries then become secondary. 25. Towns or villages used to be established around a centre - an actual stone placed to mark the spot. Growth happened around that centre. Perhaps boundaries were never considered until there was a conflict regarding space. Towns that are designed around boundaries rather than centres would tend to focus on the boundaries and the defence of those boundaries. 26. Attraction is about focusing on centre and allowing what comes toward you to come. The power of that is that if you do not like what is coming toward you, you can change your focus and what you want to pay attention to as your centre. What you pay attention to actually becomes your centre, whether you are aware of that or not. The Top 10 Standards to Develop for Yourself ___________________________________________________________________________ Standards are what you do for yourself or behaviours to which you willingly adhere. To live without standards is to place yourself at the whims of chance, others, and the world. Here are ten areas in which it is useful to have standards, along with some suggestions as to how to get started. 1. Honesty. Being honest with yourself and others is a source of power. Being honest means that no one can call your bluff. In setting a standard of honesty, ask yourself: "When do I tell the truth, the whole truth? When I do remain silent? Under what conditions is it appropriate to tell another person only what I know he/she is ready to accept?" 2. Integrity. Integrity is living a value-based life. Integrity is broader and more inclusive than honesty. To gauge your standard of integrity, ask yourself: "What is my 'bottom line'--the bedrock standard that covers what I will do or not do irrespective of external pressures?" Integrity is the basis of authentic being and true friendship. 3. Power. Power enables you to act, to maintain your integrity and honesty, and to enforce your standards. Ask yourself: "What is the source of my power? Is my power derived from within (self-referral) or from outside (object-referral)?" The closer you are able to move towards selfreferral, the more reliable your power will be. 4. Commitment.

Your commitment is a measure of your dedication to what you do and believe in. Only full commitment offers a promise of excellence. To commit only partially is to invite mediocrity. Ask yourself, with respect to each aspect of your life, work and play: "What is my level of commitment? What am I willing to commit to 100%?" 5. Acceptance. Acceptance and approval are different. To approve (or disapprove) is to judge. To accept is to recognize and acknowledge what IS. Acceptance eliminates the need to judge and quiets the mind. Ask yourself: "Am I willing to accept (not approve) others, situations, life, etc. as they are or it is? What am I not willing to accept?" It's interesting to note that accepting a situation "as is" does not forfeit your right to change it. 6. Tolerance. Tolerance has both negative and positive connotations. On the one hand is the question of what we are willing to 'put up with' in life; on the other, are issues pertaining to what we are willing to forgive. Both are important. Ask yourself: "What am I tolerating that limits my growth or happiness? What am I 'allowing' that aids my own or others' growth or healing?" 7. Pace. Horses and marathoners have pace--a rhythmic style that makes trotting and running seem easy. Pace is measured relaxed action. Many of us lack pace in our lives. For each endeavor in which you are engaged, ask yourself: "What is the pace at which I feel entirely comfortable? Am I willing to adhere to it despite pressures to the contrary?" 8. Reserve. Reserve is a margin, the gas in the tank or the cushion in the account. To have reserve is to be freed from the demands of circumstance or crisis. There are ten areas of reserve. Ask yourself: "What are my reserves of time, space, money, energy, opportunity, love, information, wisdom, self, and integrity?" 9. Fitness. Fitness is physical, mental, and spiritual. To be "fit" is to be more than prepared to deal with what comes at you. Fitness is a process whereby we create reserves of energy. Ask yourself: "What are my standards for physical (aerobic & muscular), mental (intellectual & emotional), and spiritual fitness?" What is the minimum level of performance in each of these areas that I am willing to accept?" (In the area of spiritual fitness, you may want to look at Top Ten list number 21, "Ten Ways to Tell When You're in Alignment") 10. Communication/Relationships

While the journey into and beyond this life is a solo one, we live in concert with others. The standards we maintain with respect to how we communicate and what is the basis of our relationships are critical in determining the success with which we negotiate this journey. Ask yourself: "What is my basis for communicating with others? Am I direct, indirect, or a combination of the two? On what are my relationships based (need, mutuality, giving)? What am I willing to give to others? What do I expect to receive in return?" ... These ten areas are illustrative rather than inclusive. The areas you select and the standards you set for yourself must be appropriate for you. Bill of Assertive Human Rights ____________________________________________________________ 1. You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts and emotions and to take the responsibility for what they are and their consequences. This is basically saying you have the right to take control and manage each step in the chain reaction Many people give to others the right to judge: their parents (father/mother knows best), spouse or anyone other than themselves. Decide this moment to claim that right for yourself and youll be free from having to constantly please other people and feeling guilty if you dont. 2. You have the right not to justify your behavior by offering excuses or reasons. As an adult you are not answerable to other people for your beliefs or your actions (unless they impinge on other peoples rights and freedoms, or they are against the law!). You are no longer a child having to answer to parents and teachers and being obliged to justify your actions. Next time someone asks you to do something you dont wish to do or cant, try saying Im sorry, I cant help you and STOP. Dont make excuses. Its a wonderfully liberating feeling. 3. You have the right to decide the degree to which you are responsible (if at all) for finding to other peoples problems. Ultimately each person must take appropriate responsibility for their own feelings, behaviour, pain, health and so on. You may be able to temporarily please someone by altering your behaviour to suit them, but over the long term this simply undermines your self-respect and stops them from taking responsibility for their own actions and lives. Denying this right of a person also happens when responsibility for a problem is shifted onto the victim: you make a legitimate complaint and an organization accuses you of being unreasonable, denies responsibility or tells you to see the subcontractor they organized to do the job. Or a victim of abuse is told by his or her tormentor that if the victim changed their ways they would not be abused. When you make a complaint you upset people, and if they dont. handle that complaint appropriately the first thing they do is accuse you of being a troublemaker. Unfortunately, the average person falls for this hook, line and sinker, and is made to feel that the problem would go away if only they would simply shut up and disappear.

4. You have the right to change your mind. Circumstances change, people change, you change. Changing your mind does not imply incompetence. inadequacy or indecision. It indicates that you are flexible enough and confident enough to claim the right to reassess something and change accordingly. This flexibility is a virtue, not a fault (unless you have a real problem making any decisions). 5. You have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for the outcome. If you discover you are wrong. the most assertive thing you can do is to claim the right as a human being to make mistakes and take action to correct them. If someone is criticizing you or pointing out a mistake, claim this right by saying Youre quite right. Im wrong. If you are quite comfortable with the idea of being wrong, the other persons attack collapses. If you are responsible for a situation with a disastrous outcome, forgive yourself with the thought: I did what I could at the time. If, however, you are being criticized or attacked but you dont agree you are wrong, use words such as probably, could be, perhaps or maybe: Perhaps youve got a point .. ...'; You could be right . . .; Maybe youre right .. .; You probably have a point .. .; I hadnt thought of it like that... These phrases give recognition to the other persons viewpoint, which takes the heat out of the situation but retains your right to have a different opinion; to agree to disagree. The criticism may be general and aimed more at deliberately undermining your self-acceptance: You look like youve put on weight; That colour really doesnt suit you; Youre so aggressive. Acknowledge their opinion, but keep asking for more information so they have to keep justifying their comments and you appear totally unconcerned but genuinely interested in their comment. Friend: You look like youve put on weight. You: You might be right; what makes you think I have? Friend: Your hips look bigger. You:- Do they? Do you think its these pants, or the color or is it actual weight? Friend: Well, it could be the pants, I suppose. You. I was wondering myself whether they were a good choice. Thanks for your opinion. This approach is guaranteed (as long as you are not sarcastic and you look the critic straight in the eye) to give you a fantastic feeling of personal control and make the other person reluctant to ever try picking on you again.

6. You have the right to say I dont know. What a relief not to have to know everything! You are now free to try things before you know all the answers, to experiments to explore, to ask. As Huckleberry Finn realized, other people love showing you what they know, and if they can do so, let them. If you are really clever, you can stand back and let them help you a great deal while you stay quite comfortably ignorant and save your energy for more important things. This right also allows negative consequences for your actions. If you dont know everything, sometimes the consequences can be unexpected and unwelcome. But thats OK because you dont have to know everything. 7. You have the right not to be liked by everyone you have to deal with. Its very nice to be liked and approved of, but if you go around thinking that this is a prerequisite for dealing with people you may well find yourself being manipulated mercilessly as you try to please others. In fact the more people see you as your own person, willing to be pleasant but not needing approval, the more you will find them wanting to please you! Independence will make you attractive to others, who want to be approved of by someone they see as strong. However, there are organizations that find such independence extremely threatening. They often h ave a highly authoritarian structure where power is claimed by people feeling that those under them have to grovel and please. If you are not prepared to play these games, get out of the situation if you can because you are a major threat to the whole way the organization operates. In ordinary person-to-person situations with people of equal standing, trying to please can mean you end up agreeing to lots of things you just dont like in order to avoid hurting their feelings. Remember they are responsible for their feelings, not you! 8. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions. My teenage son is an expert at finding weaknesses in my reasoning and arguments about why he should not do certain things. Worse still, he remembers what I said months or even years previously and has no difficulty pointing out that I am hopelessly illogical and inconsistent. The fact that things are logical does not make them right, nor does it make them what you want. Take the right to do things and feel things because you want to, not because they are logical. 9. You have the right to say I dont understand. If you live or deal with people who expect you to be able to read their minds and automatically know what they want, when they want it and how, they can become very irritable and aggressive with you when you dont comply. Its not your responsibility to work out whats going on in somebody elses head or to guess their needs. Its up to them to spell it out clearly. Put the responsibility squarely back with them to tell you what they want. Sensitive people tend to expect this mind-reading from others because they may be good at intuitively responding to other peoples needs. They assume this characteristic in others, and its absence leads them to imagine lack of interest or caring. Really intuitively sensitive people, well tuned to others, are actually quite rare. Most people are too wrapped in themselves to use such sensitivity, even if they have it. There are also some interesting basic differences between

the way men and women communicate and these can cause misunderstandings. If in doubt, check it out! The book You Just Dont Understand What I Mean by Deborah Tanner explores these fascinating differences in gender communication. 10. You have the right to say I dont care. A rather nasty form of dogma has recently crept into a great deal of Western culture. It demands that everyone should be trying to improve themselves, whatever that means. Constant striving to improve yourself according to the dictates of a mythical perfection means the search is never-ending. The money keeps flowing into the personal development business, but your enjoyment of life is suspended until you have sorted yourself out the Ill be happy when ... or Ill be happy if... trap. None of us is perfect, nor did anyone have a perfect upbringing. If you are comfortable with and used to your hang-ups, and they dont impinge on the rights of others, then dont let anyone else bully you into getting rid of them. Often these hang-ups are very important survival strategies that you have adopted for good reasons and need to hang on to until circumstances, or opportunity or time, allow you to change them to something more constructive. On the other hand, you may resist changing yourself as a form of passive aggression in response to someone elses refusal to accept you as you are. Often the less someone is hassled about changing to what others think they should be, the more likely they are to change because it suits them. You cant change oth er people; you can only change yourself and your own behaviour. But that in turn can cause a chain reaction that allows other people to change too. If you are being pestered by people telling you what you should or should not do, say to them: You might be right, but I dont care to change right now; You may be right but I dont want/choose to change; You might be right but I choose to do this in my own way. Knowing that you have the right to choose to be assertive if you wish is one. thing; knowing how to do it is quite another. Its very important to realize that being assertive is a verbal problem-solving option to add to your repertoire of strategies for dealing with people. It is not always the right option for all people, of all religions or all cultures. Its up to you to choose this assertive option appropriately, according to your own values and your desire for particular kinds of relationships. It is also important to remember that you will need to modify how you use these skills depending on the power differential between you and the other person and the organizational structure. When you start using these skills and asserting your rights it will seem quite strange, like breaking in new shoes. There may be a few blisters to start with: people close to you may get quite angry and annoyed that they can no longer manipulate you the way they are used to or that your attitude and behavior is no longer predictable. You therefore need to give some thought to the effect of the consequences of this assertiveness on personal and professional relationships.

There can be advantages: as you feel better about yourself, other people tend to treat you with more respect and you attract people who operate in a more assertive way. However, some people may have a vested interest in keeping you as a doormat and will try very hard to undermine you. Think it through before you start. Are these people important enough in your life that you care whether or not they can cope with the changes? Being assertive does not mean operating in a way that is contemptuous of other peoples feelings, but rather in a way that shows mutual respect and your acceptance of only appropriate responsibility for other peoples reactions.