Shades of Gray

G L Drummond

Shades of Gray by G L Drummond is licensed under a Creative Commons AttributionNoncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License Some Rights Reserved. First published 2008. Cover Design by G L Drummond Smashwords Edition 2010 This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the products of the authors imagination or used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Special thanks to: Bradley Heden for his co-authoring the hot tub scene, and permission to use it. JCMontgomery for her phenomenal efforts in the editing department. Kate Smith for suggesting the perfect title. Miri for her constructive criticisms. Shades of Gray wouldnt be what it is, without you!

Chapter One:

I open a bleary eye, trying to focus on the alarm clock, which hasnt gone off yet, wondering why the hell I stayed up so late. 9:32 AM the LCD readout claims in red, and the sight drives everything but one thought out of my head: Im late! Oh, god, Im late! Shit! I hiss angrily, barely registering the fact Grays large, warm body isnt occupying his normal space next to me. Im panicking my way out of bed, and have just gained freedom from the covers, made the edge of the bed to sit up, when he speaks very quietly from behind me. I called you in sick. Freezing, I contemplate his words silently. I had a presentation that morning, which I was certain would put me in the lead for the promotion Id been working towards for the last two years. My glance over my shoulder and voice are both venomous as I ask him, You did what? Hes leaning against the dresser, fully dressed, face weary, but his voice is calm as he matter-of-factly repeats himself. I called you in sick. Jesus! I snap at him, black fury filling me as I turn back around. I vent it by sweeping everything off my nightstand with a vicious swing of my arm. Lamp, clock and the glass that holds the dregs of whiskey go flying to crash against the wall. The lamp and glass shatter. The sharp whiskey fumes filling the air remind me why I was up so late, and I lunge to my feet, turning to face him. Where the fuck were you last night? Out, he replies quietly. I glare at him as I stalk around the bed towards him. Out? Great! Fucking fantastic! I stay up almost all night worrying about you, and you cant even make sure I get up when you come home? Missing today, missing that presentation Ive been working my ass off on for the last two months, shit, Gray, that probably cost me the goddamned promotion! The last is a furious shriek in his face as I clench a fist. I catch myself before I slam it against his chest, but the inner shock of almost striking him is overwhelmed by sharp fear as Gray grabs hold of my upper arms, his fingers digging in brutally as he yanks me upwards to snarl in my face, Whats more important, your fucking job, or our marriage? Ive never, ever seen Gray this angry, and my throat closes in panic as I stare at him with wide eyes. I cant answer, and my body betrays that Im afraid by beginning to tremble. Gray slowly closes his eyes, swallowing very hard as his grip loosens. I find myself firmly back on my feet a few seconds later, and I really want to move away from him, but find I cant move at all. A second later, hes let go of my arms to pull me securely against him, and whispers against my hair, I didnt mean to scare you, Tia. Im sorry, baby.

The violence that vibrated between us takes several minutes to fade, and I feel stiff as I lean against him. Very quietly, he asks me again, Which is more important? Now, I can speak, but my voice is shaky as I answer him, O-our marriage. A deep sigh as tension flows from him. I love you, Tia. Love you, I say faintly. Were still and silent for a while, Grays cheek resting against the top of my head, his arms holding me close. The stiffness I feel begins to slowly melt, until I relax against him. Another faint sigh from him, then he raises his head to kiss my temple, and lets me go. Go take a shower, baby. Ill make coffee, and then, were getting out of here for the weekend, he informs me. Gray, I cant just, I begin protesting, but a finger touches my lips to silence me. His dark brown eyes gaze intently into mine. Yes, you can, he tells me firmly. And, youre going to, Tia. Im not going to lose you. Lose me? Im bewildered. Im not going anywhere, Gray. He leans his forehead against mine, still gazing in my eyes, and I see a flash of fear in them as he whispers, You already have, baby. Please, Tia, go on, take your time. Ill pack for us both.

Chapter Two:

Im in the shower, my eyes glued to the small tattoo at the top of my left arm that keeps me from ever wearing sleeveless tops to the office. I trace the Gothic letters that spell out my husbands name with a soapy fingertip as I listen to him moving around out in the bedroom. We married young, and against everyones advice. I was eighteen, Gray was nineteen. Weve been married for seven years now, and as I begin tracing the tattoo again, I strain to remember why we were in such a hurry back then. I find I cant, and worry at the inability as I finish my shower. * Ive just finished tying the belt of my robe when Gray carries in two cups of coffee. The rich smell of it mixes with the leftover steam from my shower as I take one, feeling the awkwardness between us. Thank you. Youre welcome, he replies, moving to sit on the long counter between our two sinks. Its quiet for a few minutes as we sip at the coffee, Gray staring down at the bathmat while I study him from under lowered lashes. My husband is a tall, good looking man with deep, dark brown eyes and thick, golden hair. Hes dressed in a pair of well worn jeans, running shoes, and a faded old t-shirt. Theres dried mud on the cuffs and the sides of his shoes. Is it still raining? I finally ask, setting my cup down. Stopped about two hours ago, he replies. I pull open the drawer I keep my make up in, ready to put on the days armor. Its a deeply engrained habit now, after three years in the corporate world, to always present a blandly professional face. Gray fidgets briefly as I fish out the bottle of base, then he tells me, Dont put that junk on, Tia. Be you today. I look up, holding the bottle of base, to find him staring at my hand, and I finally ask the question. Whered you go last night? Walking, until the rain started, he answers, lifting one broad shoulder in a slight shrug, his face suddenly assuming a cautious expression. My heart twinges in reaction. Stopped in a bar for a few beers, when that happened. My eyes wander up to his hair. He needs a haircut , I inanely think as I note its gotten a little long and shaggy looking. What time did you come home, Gray? Still watching my hand and the bottle it holds, he says, Around 6:30. Oh. Very carefully, I return the bottle to the drawer and close it, my mind beginning to go numb. My voice sounds tight and hushed as I ask a final question, Whered you go after the bars closed?

Guilt flushes his face, and his voice is strained as he admits, I went home with someone. Air rushes out of me in a harsh, strangled sound. Hes instantly shaking his head. I didnt, Tia. I couldnt go through with it. You were going to, I manage to choke out as my eyes begin to burn with tears and fierce pain radiates mercilessly through my chest. Closing my eyes, I stumble as I turn away from him, wrapping my arms around myself. Jesus, it hurts as my mind immediately fills with images of him kissing, touching another woman. A sob tears through me, scraping my throat raw. I couldnt, he repeats softly. She wasnt you, and I just couldnt. I want to hurt him the way hes just hurt me, but the only response I make is another harsh, ugly sob. Squeezing my eyes even more tightly shut, I hear him set his cup down and slide off the counter. I flinch as he touches me, and hes shaking slightly as he fits his arms around me. I didnt even go in, Tia, I swear to God. I was watching her unlock the door, and realized if I went in, that was it. Wed be all over with, and I dont want that. I love you, baby. I just left, didnt even say anything to her, just walked off. I promise, baby. I walked some more, then I came home. Came home and watched you sleep. I really want to believe him, but the feeling of betrayal is so strong and hot, so very painful, I just cant. Let go of me, Gray. No, he murmurs, his arms turning to steel around me. Not now, not ever. Ive done a lot of thinking, Tia. Im not giving us up, and Im not losing you, baby. I choke back another sob, and were again silent for a while. Logic begins to reassert itself in my head. If hed done it, he wouldnt have told me anything, I think. Hes only told me what he has because this is serious, this is our chance to fix whatever the hells gone wrong with us. I concentrate very hard on those thoughts, listening to him quietly breathe in my ear, feeling his heart beating quickly against my back, the faint tremors shivering through him. I let several more minutes pass by before I clear my throat and ask him, Where are we going?

Chapter Three:

People would say weve known each other all our lives. We attended the same schools, lived two streets apart in a town that hadnt quite managed to break either the population or expansion barrier in order to be called a city. Gray has always been the All-American Golden Boy. His parents were affluent, socially active, and everything came easily to him. A natural athlete, a straight A student, the handsome boy with the easy charm that all the girls swooned over. I consider myself living proof that none of it has ever gone to his head. I was not one of the popular kids. My parents werent rich. I was the shy, nerdy little bookworm that kept her head down, studied hard, and daydreamed privately. I never attended school functions unless I had no choice, never was invited to the parties, picnics, or went to the hang outs the popular kids frequented. I was an outsider, not cool, and practically a loner. I did have some friends. My fellow school losers, the other kids that didnt fit in for whatever reason. Just like any other group, we tended to flock together, since it afforded a little protection from being picked on constantly. I knew who he was, of course, everyone did, but he was a year older and way outside my social sphere. I even daydreamed about him occasionally, after hitting my teens and beginning to notice boys. Gray was one of the very few popular, cool kids that never teased or bullied those below them in the schoolyard pecking order. He had the reputation with our group as being one of the few genuinely nice people around. Imagine my surprise the day, during my first month of high school, when someone cleared their throat to get my attention, and I dragged my eyes reluctantly up from the book I was reading to find him standing there. Alone, no friends, cheerleaders or other hanger ons that normally followed him around. Just him. Hi, Tia. I blinked up at him nervously, stunned he knew my name. Um, hi. He fidgeted slightly, fingers rubbing the edge of his letter jacket. I was wondering, well, I meanare you busy Friday night? Because, if youre not, Id like to take you out. I was struck dumb, and stared up at him in shock. I was positive I hadnt just heard him ask me out. No way, because that just didnt happen, regardless of the whole Sixteen Candles crap. Gray fidgeted with the edge of his jacket a little more, his eyes flicking from my face to the book on my lap, and added slowly, I mean, if you wanted to. This is a joke , I remember thinking. Or, hes been dared to do it, or theres a bet going on.

I remember the sinking sensation I felt as those thoughts popped into my head, the sense of disappointment that Gray had finally succumbed to peer pressure, and I was his first selected victim. But, his eyes slowly travelled up to meet mine, and I could see the hopeful look in them as he asked me, So, would you want to, Tia? Hes serious, I realized, amazement filling me. Hes really, truly serious! I blinked, looked down at my book as I felt my face grow hot, and managed to mutter out a graceless, Yeahokay. Really? Great! Gray sounded excited. Would seven be okay? For me to pick you up? Um, sure, I answered, still staring at my book. I had no idea what to wear on a date, having never been asked out before, and I remember the sharp panic that took over, and giving him a frantic look. Uh Hed been smiling, but it faded as he took in my expression, and his shoulders actually slumped a little. You arent changing your mind already, are you? I blinked again, not sure how to react to the disappointment hovering over him. Um, no, Imjust, you knowwhere are we going? His smile returned. Part of its a surprise, okay? Well grab a burger, first, though. A surprise? Visions of being dumped out somewhere, being left to make my own way home, ending up being laughed at over daring to think Gray actually wanted a date with me filled my head, and I guess he saw the alarm spread across my face, because he hastily added, A nice surprise, Tia, I promise. Well have to walk just a little ways, though, so youd probably better wear jeans, okay? I simply nodded, deciding Id just deal with any repercussions because I so desperately wanted him to be asking me out for a real date. He smiled at me again, no longer fidgeting with his jacket. Cool. Tomorrow night, seven oclock. Itll be fun, Tia. I promise. * Oh, God, I still cant laugh at the agony I went through, the rest of that day and all of the next. I was nervous and jumpy every time I passed any of the cool kids, expecting one of them to sneer something hateful to me, or start laughing at me. Gray smiled at me every time he saw me, and I began imagining there was a lurking cruelty in it. He caught me the next day, after lunch, making sure our date was still on, and I came so close to breaking down, calling it off. I didnt, and ended up rushing home after school, frantic to find just the right thing to wear, to do something with my hair, even to attempt putting on make up. The whole time, I was convinced hed be a no show, and Monday would bring the jeering laughter I feared for saying yes to him, daring to believe he really meant it.

He did show up, ten minutes early. He told me I looked nice after taking in my simple jeans and t-shirt, my hair loose around my shoulders, and my face free of any make up, which Id given up on after a few disastrous attempts to apply some. My life underwent a huge change from that point on.

Chapter Four:

Tia, Ive got the bags loaded, Gray tells me as he re-enters our bedroom. His eyes widen at the sight of me examining the bruises encircling my arms in the dresser mirror, from the hard grip hed taken of me just an hour and a half earlier. Oh, Jesus, baby. Im sorry, I didnt mean to hurt you. A tiny, malicious voice urges me to say something, anything, to hurt him, and Im ashamed of it. I shrug slightly, busying myself with the sweater Id pulled out to wear. Its okay, honey. I guess we both got a little carried away. No, its not, he says, drifting slowly closer, his eyes locked on them and a vaguely horrified look on his face. Gray is a big man, 63, over two hundred pounds of muscle, and in perfect shape. He towers over me by eight inches as he stops behind me, one hand rising so he can cautiously touch his fingertips to the bruising on my left bicep. Hes twice my size, and very strong, but I know he didnt mean to hurt me, he never has before, in our nine years together. Hes always treated me as though I were a rare piece of china, delicate and breakable, to be handled with exquisite care. The proof hes slipped this single time is something I know hell never, ever forget. Its okay, I repeat, watching his face in the mirror. I know you didnt mean to, Gray. If youll remember, I almost hit you. We both got carried away. His hand falls to his side as he mutters, That doesnt make it okay. Im sorry. I dont have many options, because I know Gray wont accept its okay. Very softly, I tell him, I forgive you. Lets just drop it, all right? Reluctance is thick enough to walk on when he agrees. All right. I quickly pull on my sweater, and ask him, Are we ready to leave? His shoulders straighten from the tiny hunch theyve assumed, and he nods. Yes. Weve got a few hours drive ahead, and well need to make sure to stop for some groceries once were close. Are you okay to drive? I study his face as I pick up my purse. He looks tired and theres still a cautiousness in his expression. You didnt get any sleep last night, after all. My own fault, he says. Im good, we can sleep in tomorrow, and thatll make up for it. I know he called himself into work sick, too. His missing a day wont affect any future promotions, because Gray is still very much the Golden Boy to whom all things come easily. He makes twice the salary I do, with an ease Im often a little envious of. Hes just one of those people who are good at whatever they decide to try, no matter what it is. For just a second, theres a flare of hot jealousy over how unfair that is, but it fades immediately.

Gray has always been supportive of me, has always praised my efforts and accomplishments with sincere pride, while downplaying his own. His praise has often spurred me on, to keep me reaching and trying, and because of it, Im currently the highest paid female in the office, and the fastest rising star. His wife should be successful, after all, and not an albatross around his neck. Its something Ive always known, and long ago accepted.

Chapter Five:

Our drive begins in a silence broken only by muffled traffic noises and the low beat of rock music from the CD Grays put into the player. He handles his sleek, black Mercedes expertly, his whole attention on the world outside as he guides the car through the heavy traffic. I stare out the side window, taking in the dreary, damp day and let my mind wander. The itch to reach for my cell phone, call my assistant to see what happened this morning, whether my presentation was given by someone else, or been re-scheduled, is something I fight with grim determination. The damn things already caused enough trouble for one day, between Gray and me. Im filled with the certainty my failure to appear has lost me the promotion Ive invested so much effort and time into achieving, and blink rapidly to stop the tears threatening. All that hard work, those extra hours, gone down the drain. I wasnt cut out for the corporate world, the daily grind and office politics. Ive had to work my ass off, put in triple the hours and quadruple the effort of anyone else to succeed at it. Gray, I remember, hadnt been very enthusiastic back when Id started the job, but wed come out of college in debt up to our eyeballs with huge student loans. Id known my duty was to help ensure his success, and that meant making certain he had the right image. A nice car, well-cut designer suits, the Armani tux for the related evening social events, a stylish address that had been professionally decorated. A successful wife, whom hed supported himself through her last year of college. No matter how busy Ive been with my own career, I have never failed to be on his arm for those social events, or to ensure the dinners and such he needed to reciprocate with were perfect down to the last, tiny detail. Even when it meant pulling an all-nighter to complete some report after the last guest left, or we arrived home very late from hob-knobbing with people I honestly could have done without. I know he appreciates my efforts, and he has always returned them. Ive never attended any work-related social occasion alone, hes been the perfect host when Ive needed to throw a dinner party or have co-workers over for an after hours work party. Im barely aware of my sigh, which escapes before I can even think of trying to suppress it. Feel like talking about it, Tia? Gray quietly asks me. About which it? is my response. I dont turn away from the side window. Our marriage, the scene this morning, my job, or is there something else that needs to be added to that list? I cringe internally at the sharpness of my voice. Whatever you need to talk about, he replies neutrally. We used to talk all the time, baby.

We did, about anything and everything. When did that stop? I wonder as I shake my head. I think Id better just be quiet for a little while, so I dont end up saying something stupid. I hear him take a deep breath, then he speaks hurriedly. Im sorry I made you miss work today, Tia. But if missing one day, out of three years, sinks your chance at that promotion, after all the work youve done towards it, its because they have no idea what a gem they have in you. Its exactly the most perfect thing he couldve said, and the worst. Its perfect, because hes let me know he sees and appreciates how hard I work. Its the worst thing, because hes also telling me he forgives me if I fail. I really dont want to talk about it right now, honey. All right. Gray turns the volume up a little more, and is soon singing softly along with the music as he steadily takes us out of the city. I lean my forehead against the cold glass of the window, and stare out.

Chapter Six:

Dating Gray thrust me into the school limelight, which nothing could have prepared me for. No one could figure out why the football hero had picked out a nerdy little loser girl like me to date. I spent the first three months panicking and second guessing everything I did, terrified Id make a mistake that would end up with him dumping me as he realized what a loser I really was. Almost hourly, I bounced from pure ecstasy to being convinced I needed to tell him we should stop seeing each other. I was convinced I was ruining his reputation, or, even more deeply, that I was just some sort of charity case to him. I lived for his smiles, and my favorite times were when wed drive out to the old gully, which was the surprise hed taken me to on our first date. Gray would spread a blanket out, and wed sit on it to stargaze, talking about whatever crossed our minds. Those times, I didnt have to worry about what people were whispering or thinking, could just be me: Tia. I did trust him enough to know hed never repeat anything we talked about to anyone, no matter how stupid it was. Gray was not your typical, hormone driven teen boy. I knew he wasnt a virgin, since Terisa Winters had made a huge deal about losing her own to him a couple of years before, and that was another worry I carried around for a long time. I knew I wasnt going to be able to tell him no if the matter came up one night, and swung between dread and hope that it would. I can laugh now about how incredibly giddy I felt the night he held my hand for the first time. It was our fifth date, and he gave me a sideways glance, almost as though he were asking if it was okay as his hand covered the one Id propped myself on as we stargazed. I thought that was the height of sensation, sitting there with his warm hand loosely clasped over mine, as we talked about the following nights football game and he asked if I was planning to go.

Chapter Seven:

I did go, for two reasons: Gray asked me to, and I knew the other players girlfriends never missed a game. It was the first such event Id ever attended, and I had felt so damned out of place as Id uneasily approached the section that was unofficially reserved for the Girlfriend Squad, selecting a seat on the very edge to cautiously perch on. Grays best friend, Bruce, was dating a girl named Laura, and after a few minutes, she took pity on me and joined me. When I shyly admitted I didnt know anything about football, shed laughed gaily and promised Id pick up on when to cheer at the right times, and informed me that none of them really understood the game or the attraction it had for the guys. I guess they just like getting all smelly and sweaty, running around and knocking each other down, she told me, a smile on her pretty face. Oh, hey, there they come! I looked to find the team jogging out on the field, and spotted Grays anxious face as he scanned the bleachers. He saw me, smiled and waved. I waved back enthusiastically, my heart feeling like itd burst wide open, knowing hed smiled because of me. I learned a few things that night. One, that Laura wasnt nearly the snob Id always thought she was. She was extremely kind to me, and I was soon chatting easily with her. Two, that I hated football, was on edge the whole game, worried that Gray would end up hurt. And, three, that the traditional end of game nights was gathering at the old barn out on one of the players parents farm outside of town, to sit around, drink beer while endlessly rehashing the game, and slip off to screw. Not that we did. Gray drank sodas after a single beer, and seemed content to sit on a bale of straw once Id hesitantly let him draw me down onto it, his long legs framing mine, one arm loosely encircling my waist, but not forcing me to lean back against him. I sat there so stiffly, eyes down as I sipped at a soda I dont remember tasting, feeling giddy as hell, yet embarrassed by what felt shockingly intimate to me, him being so very close, so casually proclaiming to everyone there that I was his girl, and he didnt really give a damn what anyone thought or had to say about it. I remember that I barely spoke, too afraid Id say something stupid and embarrass him in front of his friends. Bruce and Laura sat right next to us on another bale, and Laura would lean over from her seat on Bruces lap ever so often to whisper some gossipy tidbit in my ear. But what I remember the most about that night, aside from it being my first chance to luxuriate in the heat of Grays body, was the faint feel of his lips brushing my hair from time to time, and the gentle little squeezes across my waist when Id giggle quietly at something Laura had whispered to me. It was the first time Id felt like I was really a part of his group.

Chapter Eight:

Lunchtime, Gray remarks as he turns into a fast food places parking lot. Do you want to go in, or just go through the drive-thru, baby? Lets go in, I decide, needing to use the restroom. He nods easily, and parks the car. I take my time unfastening my seatbelt and picking my purse up, giving him the necessary few minutes he needs to come open my door for me. Gray is, and has always been, the scrupulously polite gentleman. I never open a door, close one, or seat myself when hes around, havent since we began dating nine years ago. I feel a pang as he gives me a shuttered, neutral look before hesitantly reaching for my hand. When did that little gesture of affection become something to be cautious about? I wonder, not able to remember ever pulling my hand away or ignoring his attempt to take it. I must have, I think as we go inside, because he wouldnt act like that if I havent, right? God, what else have I not noticed? A wave of fear rises coldly as I glance up at his profile while we stand in line. Theres a shocking immediacy to the realization of just how very close Ive come to losing him, and my grip on his hand tightens as I wrap my free hand around his bicep. Gray glances down at me, his perusal of the menu interrupted, and I want to say something, anything at all. My lips part, but nothing happens as his dark eyes worriedly search mine. Then, the moments gone as the cashier asks us, May I help you? We order, and I leave him to wait for the food, excusing myself for the needed trip to the restroom. As I wash my hands, I watch the twinkle of my wedding band through the soap bubbles, then study my face in the mirror. Theres a stranger gazing back at me with cool blue eyes and a faintly sullen set to her mouth. She looks far too young to be carrying the air of bitterness that surrounds her. Jesus, who are you? I whisper as I stare at her. When did you get here? I attempt a smile, but let it fade when hers proves to be sharp and predatory. Shuddering, thoroughly unsettled, I hurry out to rejoin Gray.

Chapter Nine:

Picking at my salad, fretting over my mirror image, Im startled when Gray reaches across the tiny table to smooth the faint frown line between my drawn down brows with a fingertip. The tender look on his face as I glance up at him causes tears to well up. Very softly, he tells me, Well be okay, Tia. I gulp down the sob that attempts to rise and nod slightly. Im beginning to realize this distance between us is entirely my fault, that Im the one whose pushed him away, who almost drove him into another womans arms, and I cant figure out why hes being so forgiving about it all. I dont even know how, why, or when it started happening, and that admission fills me with a sense of horror. Jesus, have I lost myself? Grays hand cups my cheek, and he repeats, with firm conviction, Well be okay, I promise. Gray always keeps his promises. I find for the first time that Im afraid hes made one he wont be able to. * I really wish, as Gray settles back behind the wheel, that I knew what he was thinking. I feel a need to test him, caused by the desperate fear he may not mean what hes said. About not losing me, and that well be okay. So, I rest my forearm on the console between the seats, and do something that has never seemed so immensely difficult before: I apologize to him. Gray? Im really sorry about this morning. Losing my temper and yelling at you. Hes gotten the car back on the street by this time. Without looking away from the road ahead, he takes his right hand off the wheel, places it unerringly over my hand and twines his fingers through mine. A frisson of relief goes through me at how very easily, naturally, hed done it as he responds with, Dont worry about it. Youve been under a lot of stress, baby, and I damn sure didnt help any, staying gone all night. Miserably, I remind him, That was my fault, too. A sideways glance from his dark eyes greet that statement, and he shakes his head slightly as he returns to watching the road. Baby, lets get one thing straight, right up front. The blame is equal here. Weve both made some pretty big mistakes over the last three years, its taken both of us to get where we are, and its going to take both of us to fix things, okay? A gentle squeeze accompanies the last words. I do want to fix it, Tia. I dont want to lose you, or us. I dont either, I assure him hastily. Its justI dont even know what happened.

Well figure it all out, Gray promises. Maybe not this weekend, but we will, and well fix it, Tia. As long as we both want to, we can. I shift in my seat so that I can lean against his arm, put my cheek on it as I start stroking the back of his hand with my free one. I want to, I tell him.

Chapter Ten:

I half doze, thinking back, and find myself marveling at how perfectly Gray guided me out of my shell in high school. Without ever once resorting to heavy-handed tactics or pushing me into taking steps I wasnt ready to make. Another teen-aged boy would have eaten my slavish devotion up, used me until he was bored with me, then tossed me away like trash as he headed off to look for something new to play with. My school days had grown into beginning and ending with Gray very quickly. He picked me up for school, took me home every afternoon, even when he had practice. He never played Mr. Cool, sitting outside and expecting me to rush out at the honk of a horn, but always came to the door. My parents, initially a little suspicious of the boy whod suddenly started dating their only child, became fond of him. He had no problem talking to them, and his behaviour towards me while around them seemed to reassure them that I was perfectly safe in his company. I had a pretty close relationship with them, and the night I came home flying high from our fifth date, they were surprised it wasnt because Id received my first kiss. Affectionate amusement was the order of the day, when I corrected their misassumption, but Im certain that only fed their burgeoning respect for Gray. My weekends were suddenly busy. I no longer sat at home, reading or doing my homework. Instead, Friday and Saturday nights were date nights, and Sunday afternoons, Gray would haul his books over so we could sit at the kitchen table and do our homework together. By our third date, hed started giving me little presents. Just little things hed thought I might likea tiny stuffed bear, a heart-shaped piece of quartz hed found, stuff like that. He would always present them with a vaguely anxious look in his dark eyes, until Id taken whatever it was and thanked him, most likely with an intense look of puppy-like adoration in my own eyes. Then, a relieved smile would appear on his face, which always caused me to feel a little awed, since I knew it was there because of me. Gray was my first everything. My first crush, my first date, my first boyfriend, the first boy to hug me, hold me and kiss me, and eventually, my first, and only, lover. I remember our first kiss, which happened on our seventh date, the Friday night following the after game barn party. The week had been full of being walked to class with his arm slung casually around my shoulders, and my learning to be comfortable about our new way of sitting around, with him at my back in what was basically a full body embrace. I liked the quietly possessive air he had at those times, and the feeling of security I got from being practically surrounded by him. As a result, Id begun relaxing back against him, secretly thrilling in the solid, warm feel of his muscular chest, and the steady beat of his heart.

That night, wed gone out for pizza with Bruce and Laura, and Id had more fun than I expected, since theyd both made efforts to make sure they didnt leave me out of the conversation. Id even gotten brave enough to pop off with a few jokes, and made them laugh. Afterwards, wed split up, because the two of them were busily practicing safe sex, and so Gray drove us out to our spot for some stargazing. This time was a lot different, because I was comfortable, reclining against him between his bent legs, the back of my head resting on his shoulder as he pointed out a falling star. He told me Youre supposed to make a wish. You do know thats probably a meteor, right? I asked him, then added, I cant say I see a point in making a wish on a chunk of rock thats burning up in the atmosphere. He laughed quietly, easing both arms around to hug me gently, and left them there. I like how you cut right through bullshit, Tia. Yeah? I was delighted Id made him laugh, even more thrilled to have his arms around me. Yeah. Youre not like the other girls, you make your own kind of cool, he replied. I shook my head a little. Im so far beyond ever being cool, Ive made you lose about 100 cool points. Thats not true, he told me, sounding surprised. I think youre cool, and so do Bruce and Laura. Theyre really nice, I admitted. But, they probably only think that because theyre your friends. His arms tightened around me slightly. No, they dont. They think it because its the truth. You know, when youre not busy worrying about things, youre funny, and you smile a lot. Youve got a beautiful smile, Tia. You need to let some of that stuff fade off the old worry radar, and smile more often. Easy for you to say, I remarked without thinking. Youve never had to worry about some of the things I have to. He was silent for a long minute, and I closed my eyes, wishing Id kept my mouth shut, instead of pointing out he was dating one of the loser pack. He gave me another brief hug before he said anything. Maybe not, but I do have things I worry about, you know. You dont have the worry market cornered. I know. Im sorry, I told him, and my voice sounded meek. What kind of stuff do you worry about, Gray? Im really only worrying about one thing right now, he answered. And its a really big worry.

Can I help? I twisted my head slightly so I could look up at him, and he tilted his to look back. Actually, yeah, you can, he replied, his voice hushed, his eyes barely visible in the starlight. Before I realized what was happening, hed raised a hand to my face, and pressed his lips to mine. Astonished, I felt mine part under the gentle pressure, and the next thing I knew, I was discovering how very weird, yet exciting, it was to be French kissed. I was pretty sure, by the time Gray raised his head, that he had to be the best kisser in the whole world. There wasnt any slobbering or roughness. Just a sweet, gentle stroking that lasted maybe half a minute, and left me totally breathless as I gazed up at him with wide, surprised eyes. He whispered, My worry was you wouldnt like that. Oh, was all I managed to say, with a few rapid blinks to punctuate it. I could maybe try again, he suggested, still whispering, his face perfectly solemn. I nodded slightly in answer, and so, he did.

Chapter Eleven:

I giggle quietly, remembering that, and Gray squeezes my hand a little. Whats so funny, baby? I was thinking about the night you kissed me the first time, I say, keeping my eyes closed. I dont remember either of us laughing then, is his remark. We were both pretty serious about it. I know, and thats partly why its so funny now. I open my eyes, and check the dash clock. Its 2:00 PM. You didnt even give me time to panic over it, and you werent all smug afterwards, either. He squeezes my hand lightly as I speak. You used to panic about a lot of things, Tia. I still remember the look you gave me right after you agreed to go out with me the first time. He pauses. Like you expected me to do something terrible to you. I just knew you were going to change your mind. I almost did, I admit quietly. My chance to lay to rest the mystery is right in front of me, but before I can ask, Gray starts speaking again. Im glad you didnt. I worried you were going to think that even more, when we were driving out to the gully that night. Secluded, dark spot, miles from anyone, and you were so nervous, you were almost vibrating. Jumping every time I moved even a little. Gray sighs quietly. I was certain you werent going to agree to a second date. Decided you probably thought I was trying to soften you up for slaughter. I was nervous because it did turn out to be a real date, I inform him. I can feel him glance down at me, and know hes trying to puzzle out my meaning in the silence that follows. He finally confesses, I dont think Im following you, Tia. I asked you out, why did you think it wouldnt be a real date? The flash of irritation is a surprise to me. So is the bitterness in my voice as I sit up. Come on, Gray. I was one of the school losers, one of the kids that existed solely for everyone to pick on or play pranks on. I try tugging my hand free of his, but he wont let go, and shoots me an incredulous glance. Wait a minute. You thought I asked you out to play some kind of joke on you? Yeah, I mutter sullenly, returning to staring out the side window. Its still gloomy, the clouds keeping the sun hidden away. Thats exactly what I thought when you asked me. Theres another brief silence, then Gray says, But you said yes, anyway. Why would you do that, if you thought I was joking?

The irritation is gone, replaced by a shyness I havent felt in years, and its in my voice as I respond. Because I wanted it to be real, you asking me out. Wow. Grays hand tightens on mine. Telling me yes, when you thought there was a chance I wasnt serious, was planningdamn, Tia, and here I always thought you were such a scared little girl, back then. All that panicking and worrying about things you were always doing. Instead, you were taking big chances. It wasnt bravery, Gray, I reply. Naivety, maybe even stupidity. Youve never been stupid, Tia. A little worrywart, sometimes, but never stupid, he says quietly. I half turn my head as he picks my hand up to press a kiss to the palm of it. He lets go then, and I wish he hadnt as I drop it in my lap. His voice is soft and tender as he tells me, I love you, Tia. My reply comes out stilted and awkward, I love you, too.

Chapter Twelve:

By springtime, Id developed a little self-confidence, and had discovered I could fit in with the cool kids. My slowly deepening relationship with Gray was the cause of it all. I was in love, though neither one of us had mentioned the word. Only a few people still thought it was strange I was his girlfriend, just enough that I never forgot going back to being a nobody was only a break up away. Laura had taken me under her wing, and became a good friend. She helped me out with the intricacies of makeup, and one afternoon, after Gray had taken me home from school, then hurried back for practice, she picked me up for an afternoon of discovering my style, as she put it. I let her talk me into a new haircut, and we spent three hours giggling over clothes, with her having the final say on what I ended up buying. She decided my style was totally rocker chick, Tia, so I ended up with my first short skirts, tops that displayed a tiny amount of cleavage, and low riding, snug fitting jeans, plus a really cool pair of black boots I could wear with any of it. The new clothes were a far cry from my loose jeans, long peasant skirts and two sizes too big t-shirts and tops Id been wearing. My formerly boring, straight hair had been shaped into a multi-layered, long pageboy that the stylist showed me how to transform into a mass of tousled waves. I actually felt sexy, for the first time in my life, and Laura assured me thats exactly how I looked as we began to leave. Thats when I spotted the dress. It was a low cut, ice blue silk with an ankle length skirt that had a slit up one side to just a few inches above the knee. I was transfixed by it. Whoa, Tia, thats it, Laura breathed as she caught on to what I was staring at. Thats your prom dress. The Jr/Sr prom was only a month away, but Gray hadnt mentioned anything about taking me. I told her that, and Laura rolled her eyes at me. Of course, hes taking you. Youre his girlfriend. Im a sophomore, I reminded her. She shrugged carelessly. So is Jill, and Steves taking her. They can ask whoever they want to, you know. I digested that in silence, still gazing at the dress, then said, Its probably too expensive. Id spent a good portion of my savings from cash holiday gifts various relatives always sent me and the odd babysitting job Id done. Lets go see. If youve got enough to be pretty close, Ill loan you the rest, Laura promised. That dress has your name on it, Tia. I ended up leaving the mall completely broke and owing her forty-two dollars, but in possession of the dress. Which I wasnt even sure Id have the opportunity to wear.

Chapter Thirteen:

I dithered the next morning, staring at myself in front of the mirror, worrying Id gone way overboard. Dressed in the boots, a short skirt, and one of the tops that left an inch wide line of skin bare around the waistband, I could almost hear Laura saying yeah, rocker chick, thats your style, Tia. Still uncomfortable with makeup, Id stuck to just a touch of mascara and liner, with a pale pink lipstick. My shoulder-length hair had come out very close to how the stylist had done it the afternoon before. You look great, Laura said so, I remember telling myself as I nervously gazed in the mirror. The doorbell rang, signaling Grays arrival, and I took a deep breath as I gathered up my purse and backpack, letting it out before I headed downstairs. Mom had let him in, and he was waiting by the front door when I came down. I was focused on his face, suddenly terrified hed tell me I looked stupid, to go change. Instead, his eyes went wide as he scanned me from head to toe, then came back up to meet mine as he asked me, Are you trying to make sure I end up getting into fights? What? I asked him blankly. You look fantastic, Tia. Im going to have to watch out, the other guys are going to try stealing you away, he told me, a slow smile appearing on his face. As I realized he thought I looked good, an answering smile popped up on mine. You dont think its, I dont knowtoo drastic, or something? I was anxious again as he did another slow scan, then shook his head. No, I dont. He looked at my face again. Youre worrying againits not slutty looking, or anything like that, Tia. Just different for you, but you really do look fantastic. But, you know, youre going to have smile more often, because that serious look you normally have just doesnt go with it. I guess youd better start telling me jokes, then, huh? I smiled at him happily. Guess so, he agreed. Come on, hottie, your chariot awaits. We were at his car, a Mustang his parents had bought him for his sixteenth birthday the year before, when he suddenly asked, Tia, you didnt decide to do this because of me, did you? Do what? I responded, even though I knew exactly what he was asking. Change the way you dress. Because, you know, I like you, not your clothes. Wait, that sort of came out wrong, he hastily added, flushing a little. Maybe I just got tired of being a slob, Mr. Ego, I replied, grinning at him. Wow, I didnt know guys could blush, Gray.

Get in the car, baby, he mock growled at me, still pink as he opened the door for me. I did, laughing.

Chapter Fourteen:

I smile out the window, remembering thats when hed begun calling me baby. Hes never stopped, never used any other nickname for me. Theres a town up ahead, baby, Gray mentions, and I stifle a laugh at the echo of my thoughts. Well stop for groceries there, then head up to the cabin. Tom said its only about a half hours drive from town. All right, I reply, just to be saying something. A minute passes, and I finally give into the urge, fishing my cell phone out of my purse, only to discover theres no signal. Damn. Gray sighs, but doesnt say anything as I throw the phone back in my purse. * This, I grumble as I watch sacks fill the backseat, is ridiculous. Well never eat all of that in two days. All I plan on us doing is eating, sleeping, talking, and enjoying not having any distractions, he informs me as he sets the last bag inside. Closing the door, he grins at me. Come on, lets get you back inside and the heater on. You look half frozen, Tia. Its winter, and were in the mountains, I point out as I follow him around the back of the car. I just reach the backdoor when I slip on a patch of ice, and he turns, catching me. I cant stop the hiss of pain caused by his firm grip on my arm, directly over the bruised flesh. Grays jaw clenches, fresh remorse showing as he re-adjusts, transferring his arm to around my waist. I give him an apologetic look, then Im startled as he leans in to kiss me. I actually begin to move back before I freeze, eyes widening as a sorrowful look appears on his face. Im horrified by what Ive just done, and Gray pulls away without completing the gesture. Why did I do that? I wonder frantically as he opens the door for me. I cant look at him as I take the step needed, and duck my head. Once inside the car, I fasten the seatbelt, then stare at my hands as I clasp them tightly together in my lap, waiting for Gray to retake the drivers seat. A couple of minutes pass, and I look up, catching sight of him in the review mirror. His back is to me as he slumps against the trunk with his head bowed, one hand running repeatedly through his hair. After a minute of watching, I see him take a deep breath, his broad shoulders twitching under his leather jacket as he begins to straighten up. Hastily, I drop my eyes back to my hands. Was that it? Did I just put the final crack in our marriage? Jesus, I hope not, I think, frightened. Gray doesnt look at me as he gets in and starts the car. Neither of us say a word as he pulls out of the curbside parking spot, even though my mind is screaming at me to do just that.

I dont know what to say.

Chapter Fifteen:

I did wear the dress to prom, Gray asking me to be his date for the event just a week after Id bought it. I treasured the photo of us we had taken there. I still do. The rest of my sophomore year passed in a blur of being accepted, dates with Gray, schoolwork, and slowly becoming aware of other boys shooting admiring glances my way. Not that they mattered. Gray was the only boy I had any interest in. I did have a new worry. By the time school had ended, wed been dating for eight months, and Gray hadnt once made any kind of move to indicate he had sex on the mind. We made out often, but his hands never strayed past stroking my back or arms. Hed position us so that there wasnt even a chance for me to know if making out with me excited him or not. I couldnt get up the nerve to just ask him if he wanted me, and began wondering if he was seeing someone else that took care of his sexual needs. It was stupid, of course. I always knew where he was, even during the summer. If there was one thing Gray was very good about, it was always letting me know I was top priority with him. I stopped wondering after only a few days, because, to be honest, even while I wanted to explore the matter with him, I was sort of relieved he wasnt pushing the issue at me yet. I loved him, and I was positive I wanted him, but I really just wasnt ready. By the time the new school year rolled around, I almost couldnt remember what itd been like to be an outsider. I was comfortable in my new role as one of the cool kids, my relationship with Gray was steady and solid. The first day of school, when hed arrived to pick me up, hed given me a charm bracelet, with 11 charms already in place on it. For each month weve been together, baby, he told me as he fastened it around my wrist. I almost couldnt stop smiling long enough to kiss him. I admired it the whole way to school, each charm being a star with a different colored little stone in the middle. I thought it was perfect, both a sign of his affection, and a reminder of all our hours spent together under the stars. Gray grinned at me as I cooed over it, looking highly pleased I was so happy with it. Three weeks later, he had a twelfth star to attach to it, and I think we were both a little surprised as we realized we really had been together for a year.

Chapter Sixteen:

Now, eight years later, Im jerking back from him like I think hes going to hit me, or something, I think bitterly, still focused on my hands. Im clenching them so tightly together that my knuckles are white, and I force myself to stop. As I raise my eyes to look out the windshield, I see that its begun snowing. Pine trees cluster thickly on either side of the narrow, two lane road were on. An older snowfall has already turned the ground beneath them to a white carpet that sparkles vaguely. Tentatively, I speak. Its pretty up here. It is, Gray agrees, his voice again neutral. It does nothing to reassure me. Im sorry, I tell him quietly. I dont know why I did that. His voice is just as quiet as he replies, I guess thats one of the things well try and figure out. Theres a long pause before he adds, If you still want to work on this. I shiver at the resignation I see on his face as I glance at him. Of course I do. I love you, and were not a lost cause, are we? A very faint smile appears to curve his lips just a touch. No, baby, were not. I draw in a shaky, relieved breath. Hes not ready to give up, and neither am I. * The cabin appears picture perfect, even though its more a medium sized house masquerading as one. The view is fantastic, and I realize we can even see the rooftops of the town below as I step out of the car. Its very hushed, the snow falling softly, and Im certain, as I look around, that this is the perfect place for us to put our marriage back together. Gray guides me to the porch carefully, one large hand on my lower back, his other arm hovering in front of me so that I can take it if I slip again. Hes not wanting to risk reminding either of us of my bruises, I know, but the protective care in which he escorts me touches my heart. As we reach the steps, and I gain the first one, Im moving almost before I understand what Im doing. Turning into him, my arms sliding around his neck, I ignore the icy air, the snowflakes melting on my cheeks, in my hair, and I kiss him. I try to put every bit of love I feel for him into it as his arms close around me, his lips parting to eagerly accept what Im offering, and for a moment, were in the accord we once shared. I shiver as we taste each other almost lazily, slowly exploring, and shove away the errant thought that appears Whens the last time we kissed like this? I shove it away because I cant answer it. I dont remember, and I dont want to try to. All I want to do is lose myself in him the way I once did, and I succeed briefly.

Were both reluctant to draw back, our eyes slowly opening. Grays are full of love as I gaze into them, and I tell him, I love you. I always have. A slow smile in response, then he lifts me with a swift move that startles me into surprised laughter as I try to put my legs around his waist. He helps, settling me around and against him, then climbs the rest of the steps to the porch while I burrow close. He unlocks the door as I breath in his smell, then I make it his turn to shiver with a light, teasing stroke of my tongue on the side of his neck, listening as his breath catches. He opens the door, carries me inside, and we share another kiss, brief and greedy, as I slide down him until my feet are firmly on the floor. Were grinning at each other when we part, and are ready to have a look at our surroundings. Toms place, huh? I ask, my eyes having landed on the thick pile of the sheepskin rug in front of the stone fireplace. Yes, Gray acknowledges, his eyes having also found the sight interesting. His head turns and he gives me a lopsided grin. Theres a hot tub, too. I raise an eyebrow at him. Is there? Thats intriguing. I thought so, he tells me, then leans close to kiss my forehead. I dont move, just smile up at him. Ill see if I can get a fire going, then bring our things in. Would you mind finding the thermostat and turning on the heat, baby? I can do that, I agree, and immediately set off on the errand.

Chapter Seventeen:

My seventeenth birthday had come and gone, Grays eighteenth one following it just a few weeks later. I remember how odd I found it for us to be the same age, no matter how briefly. His parents had put together a party, supplying food and a DJ at the clubhouse of the country club. Id saved up to buy him a gold ID bracelet, and had agonized for a week over having All my love, Tia engraved on the underside of it. I knew I loved him, and was almost positive what I saw in his eyes was love for me. Being the first one to mention it felt like a huge risk though. Mine was the first one he opened, and he smiled at me as he lifted it out of the box. I knew the exact second he realized there was something on the back, and waited anxiously as he read it. I dont think I can ever forget the soft, wondering look he gave before asking me to help him put it on. After the gifts and cake, the dance floor filled up as the DJ began playing. I could feel the links of the bracelet against my lower back as Gray clasped his hands behind me. I rested my cheek against him, one arm around his waist, my free hand laying flat over his heart as we swayed to a slow song. His breath was warm against my skin as he whispered, Really? All of it? All of it, I shyly assured him, before tilting my head enough to look up at him. His dark eyes seemed to sink into my soul as we gazed at each other. I love you, Tia, he told me softly. I promise I always will. I believed him. Id already learned by then that Gray always kept the promises he made. * I also remember how, when prom time came that year, the realization of how very few months we had left together struck me like a thunderclap as we danced to a different slow song. I was feeling so perfectly right, pressed against him, feeling the beat of his heart under my hand, his head protectively lowered over mine, and the heat of his hands on the bared skin of my back. Hell be leaving soon. The thought just loomed out of nowhere, and I gasped at it, shocked. Whats the matter, baby? came Grays immediate, concerned murmur. I shook my head slightly, closing my eyes because theyd begun to feel burning hot. He raised a hand from my back, fingertips catching me under the chin to tilt my face up, and I opened my eyes for a slightly blurry look at his puzzled expression. Tia?

Its nothing, Gray, I replied, desperately wanting him to believe me. I wanted to forget the thought had ever occurred to me, wanted to push away the ones that were following it. Hed be away, enjoying the freedom of college, while I was stuck in high school, alone. Our relationship suddenly seemed much too fragile. No, its something, Gray said, or you wouldnt be crying, Tia. He followed that up by brushing away a tear that had escaped with a gentle finger. Lets go find a quiet place to talk, okay? I bit my lip then nodded. Blinking furiously, my head down, I let him lead me off the floor, and through the doors to the cool night air. The country club had a garden, and thats where we went, finding a bench near the edge of it with a view on the lake. Gray waited until I sat down, then put his arm around me as he settled next to me. Okay, Tia, talk to me. This is our last prom, I told him, my voice small. You dont plan to ask me next year? he asked, a strange note in his. You wont be here, I reminded him, and shivered at the sound of the words. Baby, Im leaving for college. Im not leaving you. Youre my girl, Tia. He pulled me closer, kissing my temple. I know its going to be pretty hard, next year, but after that, youll be there, too. If I can get a scholarship, you mean. And accepted there. I still felt miserable, but there was a twinge of relief, because it sounded like he had no intention of us breaking up. You can. Youre smart, you pull good grades. Ill be back for holidays, and every other chance I get, Tia. Ill come for the prom next year, too, Gray assured me. We can do this. Ill call every night, or we can talk online, whatever you want. We wont be completely apart, okay? Butcollege, Gray. Theres going to be I trailed off, unable to finish the sentence. What? He moved from the bench, going down on one knee in front of me so he could see my face. What are you worrying about now, Tia? Other girls. I focused on his tuxedos lapel, refusing to meet his eyes. Do you want us to see other people next year? he asked me, his voice neutral. Is that what youre trying to tell me? Or do you think just because we wont see each other every day, you cant trust me? Startled, I swung my eyes up to his face. No, thats notI dont wantweve never even You can trust me, Tia. I told you I love you. You and meIve been pretty sure were for always. I dont want another girl, okay? He leaned in, dark eyes almost fierce as he gazed at me. I love you.

I love you, Gray, I told him, but couldnt stop from saying, But why havent you ever tried to A finger across my lips stopped my voice. Its not because I dont want to, baby. I dont even know if I can explain it, why I never try, its just, he shrugged. Maybe Im worried Ill mess things up. I dont know, okay? I was completely confused by then, but nodded. Okay. You dont understand any more than I do, he observed, then gave me a lopsided little grin. I have something for you, Tia. Do you want to stick around here, or is okay if we leave now? We can leave, Gray. I was even more confused. He rose, then pulled me up off the bench, kissing me before he let go of my hands. Lets go, then.

Chapter Eighteen:

I discover the thermostat, then move on to exploring the rest of the cabin. As Gray had said, there was a hot tub, but it wasnt ready for any occupants yet. I wonder if he knows how to solve that problem, then smile to myself. Whether he does or not, hell figure it out. Thats how it works for him, after all. Another flare of jealousy greets that thought, and I pause in my tour, staring blankly at the master bedroom as I chase the emotion while it fades. Its not Grays fault things come easily and naturally for him. Its part of who he is, its always been that way. So why am I jealous of that now? It takes me several minutes to track down the possible reason. Gray loves his work, but has no problem leaving it at the office. He seldom brings any home with him, not needing to. I bring home work every night, because I work at a slower pace, have more difficulty putting things together. At the start of his career, while I was still in college, we spent many evenings laying around, with me studying or working on term papers, and him reading or watching TV. That stopped when I began working, because I couldnt handle the distractions with the amount of concentration it took for me to get my work done. Our weekends were still free back then, but slowly, I began bringing home more work, determined to succeed, to help pay our debts, to make sure we had the money for the professional, successful image he needed to portray. To return his support of me through college, and it began cutting into even that time. I cant remember the last time weve had a weekend where I didnt spend most of it working on some project or other. Im good at my job. Ive worked hard at it; extremely hard at it, and its paid off. I hate my job, I realize, sinking down on the edge of the bed. I hate that it eats away at all my time, and its consumed my life! God, I hate my job! Tia? Where are you? Gray calls from the living room. Im going to start bringing things in, okay? Okaywait! I rise hurriedly, walking swiftly to meet him before he goes outside. Theres a sense of excitement filling me, and I have to tell him what Ive just realized. Hes standing by the door, pulling his jacket back on, and looks at me as I step into the living room. Did I forget something? Need to run back to town? he asks me. What? Oh, I dont knowI think I just figured something out, I reply. What? I have his full attention, and uncertainty fills me. My job is part of being his wife. His successful wife he can be proud of, when introducing me during those social events concerning his own job. How will he take what I have to say?

Never mind. It wasnt really important, I tell him, feeling somehow defeated. It was less than ten seconds ago, Gray remarks as he crosses the living room and stops in front of me. He touches my chin, urging me to look up at him. I feel miserable again, and have difficulty meeting his eyes. What was it, Tia? I dont know if its the concern in his voice, or the worry gleaming in his dark eyes, but I blurt out, I hate my job, Gray. He blinks at me, then very quietly says two words: Quit, then. I stare up at him in shock, and he kisses me. A few seconds later, the front door shuts behind him, leaving me blinking after him. Quit? I cant quit.

Chapter Nineteen:

Im still standing there when he returns with an armful of grocery bags. Take charge of putting this stuff away, will you? I cant quit, Gray! My voice is a little shrill, and I wince at the sound of it. Sure you can, baby. If you hate it, you need to get rid of it, he replies calmly, passing by me on his way to the kitchen. But, our financesdont we still owe I protest, following on his heels. Gray handles all the bill paying, because Ive never had the time to. He sets the bags on the center island, turns and pulls me up against him. Let me get everything inside, and then well talk about this, he tells me. I think the coffees in one of those bags, why dont you start some? Well have a few cups while we talk, okay? I realize its a sensible suggestion, and nod. Trying to converse over something this important while hes going in and out of the cabin would be silly. Coffee sounds good, since the place is still extremely chilly, and I notice again how tired he looks. He could use something to give him a little energy. My voice is much calmer as I reply, Okay, good idea. * The coffee started, I busy myself putting away the food as Gray carries in the rest of the bags, and pour him a cup as soon as possible. Cold radiates from him as he accepts it, his face a little sheepish as he shivers. Shouldve brought my gloves and parka. And your boots, I mention, glancing down. Your jeans and shoes are soaked. Drink up, then go take a hot shower, honey. Ill finish this up and start dinner. We were going to He smiles as I shush him by putting a finger over his lips. It can wait an hour, Gray. Especially to keep you from getting pneumonia. We can eat a little early. Have coffee in the living room after, and talk. Im not asking, Im not about to sit and watch him be miserable while talking about something Ive realized makes me miserable. Yes, maam, he replies, still smiling. I laugh at him, and we both move, our lips meeting smoothly for a few seconds. Drink, I order him as I step back, smiling. I feel like were rediscovering the steps of our own private dance, and I know hes watching me as I return to putting things away. I can feel the heat of his gaze following me as I move around, know that he wants me, and its a heady feeling I soak up eagerly.

I send him off with a second cup and kiss then begin preparing a meal, humming contentedly under my breath.

Chapter Twenty:

The something had turned out to be a promise ring, a slender gold band with a small, marquis cut diamond set upon it. Wed spent the rest of the evening discussing how wed manage to stay in touch. We were actually pretty lucky in our options, to be honest. The internet made it very easy for us to continue being a daily part of each others life, with email, instant messaging, and such. My parents were delighted when I showed them the ring. Theyd grown to love Gray, and thought him everything that he wasintelligent, kind, and a truly good person. His parents werent quite as pleased. Its not as though either of them had ever said anything out right, of course, but Id always sensed they didnt think I was good enough for their perfect, golden son. I know they didnt understand why hed chosen me, or why he never broke up with me. I didnt understand it, myself. Once Id finally begun to believe that maybe I wasnt as unworthy of him as Id started out thinkingafter all, Gray seemed to think I was worthy, and it was his opinion that mattered the mosthis mother managed to very subtly make it clear one afternoon, after sending Gray on a small errand while we were at their house, that she didnt think I had what it took to be the wife of a young man who was going to be a success in life, and that there was an excellent chance the only reason Id managed to win the ring and his promise from him was because I was a manipulative little gold digger. The fact Id never asked Gray for any of the gifts hed presented me with, or really anything beyond spending time with me, was conveniently ignored. I have no idea how I managed to not let on to Gray about any of it. Telling him would have been unfair; she was his mother, after all. Instead, I privately vowed I would prove her wrong, would be the perfect wife, and I wouldnt simply let Gray take care of me throughout life. I wasnt sure how Id achieve any of that, but Id already proven I could manage being his girlfriend without embarrassing him or causing him problems. The day before Gray left, he came over and gave me a parting gift: a webcam for my computer. We spent time setting it up, making sure of the email addresses wed be using, and the other final touches on our plans of staying in daily touch with one another. * I started the school year determined to earn the best grades possible, so that I could win a scholarship and have my application accepted to the same college. I was surprised to discover I was still one of the cool crowd having always sort of thought the reason Id made friends was because of Gray, being his girlfriend. It was a boost to my self-confidence to realize I was actually liked for myself. I was even more surprised when a few of the boys asked me out, but I turned the occasional offer down, of course. I also found a job, and saved my paychecks with the intention of buying my own car. My parents did help me with that a little, and I ended up with a small, clean but elderly sedan that

was in good working order. I suddenly had found some independence for myself, and discovered I enjoyed it. I drove myself to school, worked hard to earn straight As, enjoyed lunches spent hanging out with my girlfriends, and worked a few hours every day at my job. The minute I arrived home, Id start up the chat software and webcam, then check my email. Gray often sent brief little emails describing how his day was going. Some evenings, we barely spoke, just sitting within sight of our webcams while doing our various papers and schoolwork, looking at each other and smiling occasionally. I met his roommate, and a few of his friends because of the webcam, and a few of my girlfriends would come over at times to see the hot college guys Gray hung out with, and flirt with them. With the technology available, we seldom even spoke by phone, preferring being able to see each other while we talked. It was strange, at times. I missed him horribly, yet saw him constantly. Gray tentatively suggested I come for a weekend, just a couple of days before my eighteenth birthday. You can stay here, Tia. The dorms co-ed, there wont be a problem. My roommate wont mind. I can show you around campus, and theres some other things we can go do. The idea thrilled me, and after a serious discussion about it with my parents, it was decided that I was both old enough, and responsible enough, to take a trip by myself and to spend a weekend with my boyfriend if I wanted to. So, just a day after my birthday, I set off, with the new cell phone my parents had presented me with so that I could call if any problems arose.

Chapter Twenty-One:

We were so excited to see each other in the flesh again, we almost caused a traffic jam at the entrance hed told me hed meet me at. Gray climbed in my little car, and we spent several minutes exuberantly kissing each other and smiling before an impatient honk behind us startled us into laughing. I didnt feel at all out of place as we walked into the dorm, Gray carrying my bag and his arm securely around my shoulders. I was even able to greet a few of his friends by name, having met them over the webcam. I was too excited to be tired from my long drive, so he showed me around the campus before we went for dinner. Part of my excitement was from knowing Id be spending my first night with him, even though his roommate would be there. The idea of spending an entire night in Grays arms was one Id had for a long time. His roommate was out when we returned around eight, and we both changed for bed, taking turns in the small bathroom. I wore a PJ short set, Gray put on a pair of sleeping pants, and we snuggled up on his twin-sized bed to watch a movie on his laptop. I ended up dozing off, my adrenaline finally fading and the long drive catching up with me. The room was cool and dim, Gray so very warm, it wasnt hard at all to relax. I half-woke when he powered his laptop down and set it aside, and caught him as he propped himself on his elbow, smiling tenderly down at me. There was a security light outside the window that made the blinds glow a little, giving just enough light so that we could see each other. I smiled sleepily back at him, gazing into his eyes for a moment. His smile faded, a strangely intent expression taking its place. Even though Id never seen it before, I instinctively knew what it was, and was suddenly wide awake. It was desire, and we were alone, in a bed together for the first time. I realized I was more than ready when he slowly lowered his head, his lips tentatively brushing mine. I parted them in response, and we kissed, a slow, deep tasting as his hand touched my leg to begin stroking. There wasnt anything hurried about it at all. Gray was the only one with any experience, and he hadnt had much before asking me out two years before, but I was content to let him lead the way. I remember every touch beginning cautiously; becoming confident as we discovered the other enjoyed it. I dont remember when our clothing began disappearing, it just seemed as though we were suddenly naked to one another, and I could feel his erection pressed firmly against my thigh as his hand slipped slowly from my breast to between my legs. I gasped quietly when he first touched me, and Grays lips returned to mine. Slow strokes of fingers and tongue caused a pleasure almost too intense for me to handle, my mind going hazy. Gray drew back slightly, breaking the kiss, and I opened my eyes to find him gazing at me. It was the most natural thing in the world to get lost in his dark eyes, let the heavy heat build until I cried out his name as ecstasy shivered through me.

No embarrassment followed on the heels of my reaction, just a lazy, wondering satisfaction. I wanted more, wanted to feel him, to hear my name from him as he felt that same wondrous pleasure. I was confused when he resisted my attempt to urge him onto me. Gray? He buried his face in my neck, hand moving so that he could embrace me with both arms, and groaned quietly before letting out a choked laugh. I cant, Tia. Cant? I was bewildered. Why I dont have anything. I wasnt planning this, baby, he explained in a muffled voice, shoulders shaking a little as he suppressed his laughter at himself. He groaned again. Oh, god. But..I pressed my leg against his erection a little more firmly, you Im an idiot, he told me ruefully. Never shouldve started What do I do? I asked him quietly, turning to my side so I could face him as I slid a hand down. His breath caught as I hesitantly touched him. Whatever you want to, he hoarsely muttered in reply, and rolling to his back, surrendered himself to me. I ran my fingers over him lightly, exploring the silky hardness. Listening carefully to his breathing as I experimented, I discovered just how firmly to hold him, the right stroke to make him pant, his hand flexing on my back. I felt strangely triumphant when Gray hoarsely groaned my name, his body tensing, followed by the pulsing sensation of his penis as hot fluid gushed. I waited until his breathing was less ragged, then tilted my head to smile up at him when I felt him move slightly. We kissed, Grays hand on my jaw line, his thumb gently stroking my cheek. He smiled at me as the kiss ended, and told me, I need to clean up. Dont go anywhere. Like I would, I told him, smiling back. Another kiss, then he was moving, sitting up and rising from the bed. I watched him walk to the bathroom in the dim light, admiring my first view of the sleek play of muscle under completely bare skin. After hed reached it, I realized I needed to do a little cleaning up, myself, and followed him. There was quiet laughter as we both squeezed into the small space to wash up, Grays eyes lingering over my nudity before he suddenly hugged me tightly. Youre so little, Tia, he said, sounding awed. Moving around, he positioned himself behind me so we could see ourselves in the small mirror. My head came up to his chin, and if anyone had been standing behind us, they wouldnt have seen me at all. The sight struck us both as funny, for some reason. A traded grin became laughter, and we scrambled back to the bed, finding our pajamas and hurriedly dressing before his roommate ended up returning. Securely tucked against him a few minutes later, I told him, I love you, Gray. Love you, too, baby, he replied quietly, kissing my forehead.

Chapter Twenty-Two:

Im smiling when Gray returns to the kitchen. Looking over my shoulder at him, I see hes already dressed for bed, his robe open over a pair of sleeping pants, and his golden hair dark from his shower. Suddenly curious, I ask him, Do you remember the first time we made love? I want to know if he considers it the same night Ive just recalled, or the one that followed it, when a trip to a store provided the missing item wed needed. It seems very important, for some reason. Grays face turns sheepish. How could I forget that? You know, I still cant believe I didnt consider we might end up Laughing, I interrupt. I thought it was sweet, that you didnt just assume we would. Did you? You never said so. He walks up behind me and fits one arm around my waist as he peeks into the pot Im stirring. Another trip down memory lane? Ive been thinking about the past a lot today, I admit quietly Is that a bad thing? Gray asks, tensing slightly. I want to know, Why would it be a bad thing? His voice sounds cautious. Because things are so different now. I digest that for a silent moment, then work to keep my voice calm. You mean, Im so different now. Weve both changed, Tia, he says gently. The guy I was back then would have never thought of doing what I almost did last night. Ive been trying to forget that all day, and his reminder of it has me asking him in a childlike voice, Why, Gray? A heavy sigh stirs my hair, then he admits, I cant think of how to explain without it sounding like Im blaming you. Arent I to blame? I know I am, because Im not the girl I was, back then. I told myself you were, when she started talking to me, he says, then adds thoughtfully, But by the time wed reached her apartment, I didnt think so any more. And when it really comes down to it, no one held a gun to my head, Tia. Im the only one to blame. Thats not true, and we both know it. Dinners ready. Gray steps back to give me room. My contented mood has been blown all to hell by a thick wave of bitterness. Self-directed bitterness. I feel him watching my movements, which are quick and angry as I prepare two

plates and carry them to the table. He moves silently, pulling out my chair to seat me before taking his own across from me. I glance up to find him studying me with narrowed eyes. Tia, dont, he tells me. Dont, what? I ask, dropping my eyes to my plate. He ignores my question. Who do you see when you look at me? Or maybe I should be asking, what do you see when you look at me? I blink at him in confusion. I see you. Gray. Gray, who? Who am I, to you? My husband, of course, I reply, looking back at my plate as I pick up my fork. Besides that, Tia, he presses on in this new direction. Who am I to you? Gray, Im really too tired for word games, I tell him, not looking up. I dont understand what youre asking me. Im trying to find out who you see me as, Tia. Just Gray, your husband, or am I Gray, junior partner and your husband, or what? He sounds like hes being very patient with a slow child, which strikes a nerve. Who do I see you as? Fine. I set my fork down and raise my eyes to him. Youre Mr. Perfect, Successful, Never Sets a Foot Wrong Gray. The guy any woman would be more than happy to say she was married to, the guy other guys like even when they dont want to, because they feel inadequate when compared to you. Is that what you were looking for? His mouth has dropped slightly open, and he seems to shake himself a little before answering me. You dont really see me like that. Do you? Ashamed of my outburst, I still nod. I do. A lot of people do. He leans back in his chair, and its his voice that sounds bitter as he says, Damn, Im quite a guy, arent I? Yes, actually, you are, I tell him, trying to decipher the look on his face. You always have been. I wasnt last night, or this morning. His face has gone grim. You didnt go through with it last night, and you didnt mean Gray slams a hand down on the table top, making the dishes jump. Tia, dammit! Dont make excuses for me. Im not! I fire back, suddenly angry.

Yes, you are. I came this close to fucking a bar pickup last night, betraying you and our marriage vows, and then went home only to end up hurting you. Where was Mr. Perfect then, Tia? Hes shouting by the end. It was my fault, Ive pushed you away because of my job, and I was screaming at you this morning, almost hit He cuts me off again. My fault, Tia. Your Mr. Perfect has stood by, hell, even encouraged you in it, as youve slowly deconstructed. Stood by and watched the sweet, funny, sensitive woman I married become a workaholic suffering at a job she didnt even know she hated until today, and its all because, he pauses, blinking at me, before continuing slowly, because of me. For me. We stare at each other for a minute then he asks me, Why? I wanted to be the wife you deserve, Gray. Wanted to pull my weight, help you like youve always helped me, like a wife should. Be a wife you could be proud of, I reply quietly. It sounds so stupid to say it out loud. I flinch as he says, You were once. Back before you started trying so damn hard. My eyes fill up with tears as I push away from the table, but I dont make it out of the kitchen. Gray catches me from behind and pins me against his chest, then whispers in my ear, See? I can even be cruel, Tia. Im not perfect, I never have been. Im smart, yeah, and Im lucky, but not perfect. Im sobbing as I try to break free, but Gray simply lifts me off my feet. No. Youre not going to run and hide. I didnt mean that, Ive always been proud of you. The luckiest days of my life have revolved around you. Im unable to speak, and Gray sets me down, but before I can move away, he picks me up again. Cradling me to his chest, he carries me to the living room and settles on the couch. Wrapping his arms around me, he simply holds me as I cry.

Chapter Twenty-Three:

Welcome to your first day of college, Mrs. Collins, Gray said, just before swooping me off my feet and carrying me into the dormitory reserved for married students. I laughed as he refused to put me down when we reached the elevator, and was the one to push the button for the fourth floor. We kissed in between grinning happily at each other, despite the drama caused by our decision to go ahead and get married. Gray had asked me the evening hed returned for the summer break, while we sat in our spot under the stars, and Id said yes, of course. Wed had a simple wedding only five days before the new semester. My parents had both talked to us, at length and very seriously, and while not comfortable with our decision, they had wished us well. Gray had told his parents, and all hell had broken loose. In a very polite, icy way, of course. Id sat quietly as his parents had listed all the reasons we should wait, and Gray had simply answered, We dont want to. Then, youd better start figuring out how youre going to handle the extra financial burden, his father had said, and I looked up just in time to see him glancing at me. Tias not a burden, Dad, Gray had replied coldly. She was valedictorian, you know, and shes received two scholarships. Well manage just fine. I wasnt able to resist looking at his mother, who glared at me after a brief glance to make sure Gray wouldnt notice her doing so. It boiled down to the fact that theyd still help with Grays college expenses, what his football scholarship didnt cover, but nothing more. Which was fine by me, since I didnt want either of them to be able to say later on that theyd had to help put me through college. Id also saved my paychecks from my part time job, spending only what I needed to for trips to see Gray, my car insurance and gas, so I wasnt heading penniless into college or married life. This is itour first home, Gray said, pausing in front of a door. He grinned. An ugly old dorm room. I dont care, I responded. Not one little bit. I dont, either, baby, he assured me. Get the door, Im supposed to carry you over the threshold, you know. We were so damn happy back then. Nothing seemed impossible.

Chapter Twenty-Four:

I feel drained as my sobs fade and Gray offers me the corner of his robe to dry my face with. If I were perfect, Id have a handkerchief handy, he says in a conversational tone, and I choke on a laugh. Pressing a kiss to the top of my head, he adds, Im sorry, Tia. I thought I was being a good husband, supporting your career efforts. You were. No, I wasnt. I could see you growing unhappier every day. We shouldve had this conversation over two years ago. I shouldve asked you if you were really doing what you wanted to, he replies. Gray, you cant take responsibility for my being a screw up, I say tiredly. Tia, get real. Youve spent three years putting phenomenal effort into a job you hate, and youve succeeded at it. Four promotions? Thats hardly the work of a screw up, baby. At the cost of us, I remind him quietly. I see two people sitting here. Theres still an us, Tia, Gray assures me. Weve just got some work to do, thats all. So, lets startwhat are you going to do about your job? I dont know. What about our finances? I ask him, raising my hand to lay it on the warm skin over his heart, letting the steady beat of it sooth me. Theyre great. Dont worry about them, we can sit down when we get home and go over them, Tia. All you need to know right now is that well be fine if you decide to quit your job, he says, his hand covering mine. You used to do this all the time. Ive missed it. Im sorry, I whisper, closing my eyes. Why do you even want there to still be an us? I take back what I said earlier, because thats the stupidest thing Ive ever heard you say, Gray answers. Nice to know you can have the occasional moment of stupidity. I think Ive spent three years proving how very stupid I am, I tell him tartly. No, you spent three years proving something to yourself, I think. Im not entirely sure what, but I sort of got the impression earlier youve been carrying around an Im not worthy chip on your shoulder. Have you? He kisses the top of my head again. I sigh, then admit, Ive been carrying one around since the day I looked up and saw you standing there, Gray, ready to ask me out.

Guess what? he responds. What? Youre not the only one. Ive got one, myself, he informs me, and I raise my head from his shoulder to look at him. He nods at me. You dont believe me, but its true. What could you possibly feel inferior about? Im intensely curious about this admission. Promise you wont be offended? he asks me. I nod, watching his eyes. You grew up being treated like you didnt matter, because you didnt fit in at school. You were lucky you had such great parents, though. So, you felt sorry for me? I had been a charity case, just like Id once suspected. Gray looks surprised. Hell, no. I mean, I could see it hurt you, so yeah, I guess I did feel sorry for you sometimes, having to deal with it, butI dont know, Tia. You just took it and kept going. You didnt try to win anyones approval like some of the other girls in the same boat did. Drugs, turning into sluts, or trying to mimic the popular girls, following them around to be their pets. You just tried to be yourself, to hell with everyone else. I thought that was the coolest thing Id seen. Gazing into his dark eyes, I realize hes serious. My heart stutters briefly. Ive always wondered why you asked me out. Now you know. I thought you were the coolest girl around. I used to watch you, back in junior high. You had that one spot youd always go sit and read in after lunch, remember? You always looked so peaceful, like that. He smiles at me. Why didnt you come talk to me then? I softly ask him. I was a coward, is his blunt reply. A shallow coward, too afraid of losing friends and stuff. Being a rich kid, one of the in crowd, I was expected to date certain girls you know. By everyone, including my parents. Girls who were also rich and popular. I understood that. You did ask me out, though. I missed seeing you every day, he confesses. You started high school, and Id finally grown up enough to realize being popular didnt mean all that much, if you could lose it so easy. And that any friends that dropped me probably werent really friends, in the first place. Wow. I lay my head back down on his shoulder to absorb his words. It had never occurred to me how difficult it might have been for him to break out of the mold, to stop doing what was expected of him and do what he wanted to do.Thats why you were so nervous. I was nervous because I was sure you were going to turn me down, baby. No one ever turned you down, Gray, I reply.

You almost did, he points out. You have no idea how easily you couldve stomped all over me, that day. Just by saying no. Wow, I repeat, and he chuckles quietly. We should go eat, baby. Weve had a long day, and we can keep talking while we do that, right? Yeah, I agree as I raise my head again. Gray catches my chin to gently kiss me. No more not talking, okay? Thats been a huge part of our problem, he says. Yes, it has, I reply.

Chapter Twenty-Five:

College provided us with our first opportunities to overcome financial hurdles as a married couple. As the end of my first year approached, we realized we needed to make some plans for our future. Going home for the summer wasnt an option, we agreed. Wed tried staying with both sets of parents over the Christmas break, with results both disastrous and irritatingly amusing. The first week, spent at his parents, had been characterized by a constant, icy scrutiny of our relationship as they looked for flaws to exploit. Gray had grown progressively grimmer as the days passed, hovering over me protectively, even though neither of them had been anything but coldly polite towards me. It had been almost as awkward at my parents home. They were pleased we were managing so well; so pleased, we were given very little privacy. What privacy we did have, late at night, I felt too weird to take advantage of, which Gray thought was cute. We returned to campus and our dorm room with huge sighs of relief, then spent an entire weekend in bed to make up for lost time. The dorm housing situation had proven to be too noisy. There were two couples on our floor who had screaming arguments at all hours, and another couple that were constantly throwing parties. The distractions were causing both of us problems studying, resulting in our grades dipping slightly, and we were both beginning to worry about new scholarships. So, we agreed wed find jobs, and an apartment, which would be easiest at the start of summer break, when other students went home in droves. I can get one waitressing, I told Gray, who frowned slightly. Summer break always means the restaurants will be hiring. Guys will be hitting on you all the time, he muttered, and I laughed as he pulled me down into his lap. You sure you want to do that, Tia? Thats a lot of being on your feet and dealing with jerks. Hey, its one of those rites of passage everyone always talks about, I replied. The tips will be a plus, because were going to need furniture, and other stuff. I think I should sell my car, Gray abruptly said, surprising me. You love your car! I protested. We dont really need two, especially if we can get a place close to campus, Tia. And its worth a little, enough to buy the things well need. Yours will get us by for a little longer, he assured me. Gray did sell his Mustang. We found a small one bedroom within walking distance of the campus by sheer luck, and I did find a waitressing job. Gray went to work for a business acquaintance of his fathers.

Selling his car set off a series of events that ended with his parents deciding they could no longer condone helping with his expenses, so we kept our jobs and began the daunting path of taking out student loans, putting ourselves steadily into a mountain of debt that frightened me. Gray assured me wed get them repaid eventually, and told me to not let them worry me. Even with the problems, our marriage was solid as a rock, and we were working together to make a life for ourselves.

Chapter Twenty-Six:

Dinner reheated, and our seats once more occupied, I ask, What if I looked for another job, then quit once I found one? Id really rather you just quit, Tia. Ive known for a while you hate it, he replies. Youve changed because of it. Youre obsessed with it; its all you think about. Thats not true, I protest, but its weak, because hes right. I worry, work and plan everything around my job. Around my current projects and my goals for advancement. Gray shrugs, meeting my gaze squarely. Youve gotten short tempered, youre angry most of the time, and this morning wasnt the first time youve broken something. Last night wasnt the first time you needed a drink to relax enough to fall asleep, either. What? Now Im an alcoholic, too? My voice is sharp and brittle as I glare at him. Im not saying that, baby, he says, his eyes still firmly on mine. But I can see it coming. If you keep pushing yourself, adding more stress. Or even a nervous breakdown, Tia. He pauses, then adds quietly, Im not worth your health. No one is. The statement and the worried look on his face keeps me from responding immediately. We eat in silence for a few minutes before I admit, I dont know how to be anything else, anymore. Well, I dont know how I became someone whod just watch from the sidelines, instead of the guy who used to have the balls to point stuff out, either, Gray tells me. Especially when it concerned the most important person in my life. Am I? I need to hear that, need the reassurance I havent pushed us too far apart - that well manage to find our way completely back to each other. Yes, you are. Grays voice is firm, almost harsh. I love you, Tia. I have all along, even before I asked you out. I just didnt realize back then what it was. His lips curve into a small, bittersweet smile. Ive had a hell of a way of showing it, havent I? What else could you do? I ask him quietly. I dont know. Sit you down, tell you that you were just fine the way you were? That I fell in love with who you were, and not what you might be successful doing? I realize I could push all the blame into his lap, and Gray would accept it. All I have to ask is Why didnt you?, but I wont, because hes already blaming himself for more than he should. That probably wouldnt have worked. I doubt Id believed it, until now.

Dark eyes studying my face, Gray asks me, Do you believe it, or are you just trying to make your wimp of a husband feel better? Youre not a wimp, I scoff in response, my lips twitching in amusement at the idea. No, I think I do believe it. Ive definitely had some wimpy moments. Im having one right now, as a matter of fact, he says, that adorable lopsided little grin appearing on his face. About what? That sheepskin rug. Im exhausted, you look like you need sleep just as badly as I do, but I have this selfish desire to test that rug out. Im grinning back at him. I am tired, and feel emotionally wrung out, but the knowledge he wants me, despite the bitch Ive been to him, is a wonderful balm to my raw emotions. Stop being a wimp, Gray. He laughs in response. * Our response to each others touch is slow, and theres a hesitancy that hurts. I think about suggesting we just forget the idea, because its shaping up to be awkward and unsatisfying. Gray raises his head, his lips leaving my breasts, and the firelight is reflected in his eyes as he looks at me. The expression he wears isnt desire, but need. A need to be reassured that I still want him. Capturing his face between my hands, I kiss him trying to give him that reassurance: I want you, I need you, I love you. Were too tired for this, he murmurs, gazing into my eyes as the kiss ends. Im sorry. We have the rest of the weekend, I remind him softly, and when he nods in agreement, I smile. There is that hot tub, after all. An answering smile curves his lips as the worried disappointment fades from his face. Ill see about that in the morning. Good idea. I love you. Love you, too. We settle against each other, and Gray draws the comforter weve taken from the bed over us. I fall asleep, secure in his arms for the first time in what feels like forever, my hand spread over the steady, soothing beat of his heart.

Chapter Twenty-Seven:

Are you sure you want to take it? It doesnt seem like the kind of job youd like, baby, Gray told me as we talked over dinner. The moneys good, and itll be challenging, I countered. I received a slow nod of agreement. You dont think I can handle it, do you? What? NoI mean, yes. I think you can do anything you want to, Tia. Im just wondering if you really want to do this. Grays expression was earnest, his eyes full of sincerity. Satisfied, I smiled at him. I do want to. I did, the faint, always present lines of worry on his face a constant source of uneasiness for me. I hated the tiredness he tried to hide from me, the vaguely grim mood he was in every time he sat down to pay bills. The money from the job would make things easier on him, and for us. I silently vowed to do my very best to not screw up, to not lose the job. Gray was counting on me, and the student loans were eating us alive financially. If youre sure, baby, he said, voice mild. I am. * There , I think, waking to find myself alone. The first chain of the many that have pulled our marriage apart. The good intention that began paving the road to hell. I sniff the air without opening my eyes, smelling the rich scent of coffee brewing. Staying put, I make a mental list of chains, watching in my mind as they create a net of harsh, cold links weve become entangled in. Chains that have dragged me away from who I am, and slowly but surely, away from Gray. I realize I can dissolve most of them very easily. Rising, I slip on my robe and walk on silent feet to the kitchen entrance. The door to the enclosed porch that houses the hot tub is open, and I smile while turning away to head for the bathroom. * Returning several minutes later, I find Gray pouring two cups of coffee, and the soft sound of bubbling filling the air. I knew youd figure it out. Actually, I had to call Tom, he admits, handing me a cup. I make my tone light and teasing. Well, youve done it now.

Done what? His voice is uncertain as his eyes meet mine. You ruined it. Ill never be able to call you Mr. Perfect again. I smile at the relief that shows on his face. Gray moves to fit his arm around my waist. Can I get that in writing? he asks with a pleased grin. Sure. We kiss; a playful tangle of lips and tongues with something present that I hadnt realized was missing. Joythe simple joy of just being together, loving each other. Im still smiling as we draw apart, and Gray is too. And Im quitting. First thing Monday morning. The noise of hundreds of chains shattering to dust fills my mind, making me blink as he asks. You wont rush into finding another one, will you? No, I wont, I promise. I dont even want to think about it for at least a month. I want some time to sit and watch movies together again, to take walks in the park, spend Sunday mornings fighting over the comics instead of the business section. Is that okay? WellI dont intend to let you win the comics battles, he warns me, grinning widely. But yeah - more than okay. Id like to have some time to take care of you, Tia. The way I havent been. I want that time, too. I havent been taking care of you, either. I gaze into his eyes, thrilling at the love they hold for me. I suddenly realize something very important: Ive never needed to work to earn that love; Ive only needed to return it. God, I love you.

Chapter Twenty-Eight:

Weve spent the day lazing in front of the fire, cuddling, talking and laughing as we fed each other from the many selections Gray had insisted on purchasing the day before. Re-connecting; not only with each other, but with ourselves. By evening, I feel almost like a girl again. A little shy, yet nervously eager, as he unties the sash of my robe after leading me to the side of the hot tub. Gray slides my robe off my shoulders, then his hands move slowly down my arms to help it fall to the floor. Hes the most beautiful thing Ive ever seen as he allows his own robe to fall away. I raise a hand to trace his tattoo: my name in the same Gothic lettering on his left arm. Wed decided to get them because we were for always, I remember, smiling. Gray catches my hand, pressing a kiss to it, before guiding me up the steps and into the water. I lean back against the smooth sandalwood side of the hot tub and let my head rest comfortably on the folded cotton towel Gray gently positions beneath my neck. I feel the water lapping against my shoulders and breasts as he steps down into the steaming water and hear his sharp intake of breath as the warmth suddenly envelopes him. Im watching as he picks up a cake of lavender scented soap and rubs it into a thick, white lather. He smiles at me as he begins to wash my shoulders, then carefully down the sides of my arms as I close my eyes. When I open them a few minutes later, I can see the expression of compassion and intense tenderness that never ceases to astonish me. This look, from the man Ive loved for so long. Stand up, he tells me, his voice low and warm. Move over herecloser. Standing in the wooden hot tub, the warm scented water reaches to a line just a few inches below my naval. I stand with his lips inches from my breasts as he lathers my sides. I catch my breath as he eases his hands between my thighs to lovingly massage the soap into my skin, and I wonder if hes noticed the way that my nipples have hardened from excitement and the cold. The smell of wood smoke infuses the cold November air and looking out through the open rice paper screen I can see that the snow has started to fall again. I can hear the distant peal of church bells from the town far below in the valley. Now, lean back and let me rinse you off, he says quietly. I sink back against the side of the hot tub as he adjusts the temperature of the water flowing steadily from the bamboo Fukuda. Gray reaches up to pull the chain that releases the water from the patinaed copper showerhead directly over the tub. I close my eyes as the warm water rinses the lather from me, and I can feel the warmth from his skin. Turning, I open my eyes to look up at him as I slide my hands along his thighs. Come here, I demand softly, and Gray lowers himself to sit beside me. Letting out a faint sigh, his eyes half close as I begin stroking his chest. I lean to kiss the hollow of his throat, then trace a line up his neck as his head falls back and I let one hand slip under the water. His breath catches, eyes closing fully as I touch him. A few slow strokes brings him fully erect, and

my skin glides across his when I move to kneel above him. Arms curling around me, Gray opens his eyes as he raises his head. I tangle my fingers in his hair as I lean to kiss him, and his lips part willingly under mine. I rejoice in his taste, and in the low groan that escapes when I descend slowly upon him. His hands stroke my back, and the water begins shivering in reaction as I move against him. Our eyes meet as the kiss fades, and timelessness seems to capture us in its grasp. Forever, yet not long enough; the water suddenly feeling cool against my heated skin as I cry out. Gray makes a hoarse noise of relief, his arms tightening around me, and I collapse against his chest, trembling, feeling him shiver. Were still for several long moments, until our breathing has slowed, our hearts are no longer racing wildly. I know, as I tilt my head on his shoulder to look at his face, that things arent going to miraculously return to what they were, years ago. I also know that it doesnt matter, because theyll be better this time around. I love you. Quiet contentment is in his voice as he responds. I love you, baby. * On Sunday afternoon, I take a last look at the cabin before taking my seat in the car. It wasnt the perfect place to get our marriage back on track, but it was the perfect place to start the effort. Gray leans in to kiss the tip of my nose playfully before shutting the door. Hes behind the wheel just a minute later, looking relaxed and happy. I feel the same. We are going to be okay, after all.

About the Author: Wife, mother, writer and artist, G L Drummond lives in a small West Texas town where you can still catch a glimpse of the occasional horse drawn buggy on the streets. She designs her own cover art and can be contacted by email at author@feralintensity.com, or drop by her blog at http://feralintensity.com .