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Glee S04E05, "The One With the Robyn Songs" By Jon "Meatball" Butler

Glee

2012

INT. CASSANDRAS DANCE CLASS - DAY All the students are limbering up for class. We cut to RACHEL, who has a smug self-entitled look on her face. RACHEL (V.O.) I used to think that Cassandra had it out for me, but then I realized that Im just spoiled and self-entitled! But now Im totally cool and hip. I think Cassandra and I are finally getting on the right foot, so to speak. CASSANDRA comes in and throws an entire pot of HOT COFFEE right in RACHELS FACE. CASSANDRA Haha welcome to class, bitches! The rest of the class cheers as RACHEL tries to get coffee out of her eyes. CASSANDRA Today were gonna learn the fuckin robot dance! For practice, lets do the robot dance to Fembot, by Robyn, the coolest singer ever. CASSANDRA sings FEMBOT and does a fantastic dance number. Everyone dances along except for RACHEL, who is still getting coffee out of her eyes. She never gets all the coffee out of her eyes and has a weird irregular eye twitch for the rest of the series. INT. KURT AND RACHELS SHITTY APARTMENT - DAY KURT is on his MACBOOK PRO when RACHEL enters, eyes TWITCHING IRREGULARLY. KURT Oh hey Rachel. your eyeballs? What happened to

RACHEL Ugh, Cassandra threw an entire pot of hot coffee at my face. KURT So that explains the first and second degree burns.

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2.

RACHEL I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, KURT. SHE IS SO MEAN AND I DONT DESERVE THIS TREATMENT. KURT Im tired of hearing about your problems. Lets focus on mine! RACHEL So have you talked to Blaine recently? KURT Yeah - so I could dump his dumb ass! RACHEL You go gurl! KURT Dont do that. Anyway, I dont feel bad about it. I should have known he was trouble. Yeah! RACHEL Just like me and Finn!

KURT Wanna sing about it? RACHEL Fuck yes. KURT and RACHEL sing SHOULD HAVE KNOWN by ROBYN. INT. GLEE CLUB ROOM - DAY Everyone in the Glee Club is sitting in their respective seats as WILL writes something on his big gay WHITEBOARD. WILL "Robyn" what does Robyn mean to you? BRITTANY Doy doy doy doy doy. BRITTANY hits herself in the head with a HAMMER and collapses.

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ARTIE Robyn is the coolest, yo. I have all her albums on my Zune. TINA Me too! ARTIE Hey we should go out again! TINA Hey! No! WILL Anyway, this week were gonna do songs by Robyn because we ran out of mainstream songs to do. Its a shame Mike graduated or else we could do Gangnam Style. TINA Thats offensive! WILL Yeah, but to Asians. If we say gay people are okay then no one will think were offensive. WILL winks at the camera in a very un-subtle way. BLAINE Well Id like to do a solo. Id love to sing one of her songs about being hurt and sad because I just got dumped by the love of my life, Kurt Hummel. SAM Dude, you cheated on him. BLAINE YOURE A SLUT. SAM and BLAINE fight on school campus. trouble for it because why would they. WILL Hey guys, break it up! SAM Im sorry dude. up. I just got worked They dont get in

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Its cool. solo-

BLAINE Anyway, about that

WILL Actually youre gonna get the solo at the end when its dramatically convenient. Right now, its Marleys turn! MARLEY This is a song that the band and I have not previously practiced. This is our first time performing it, so be prepared for it to be absolutely perfect. MARLEY goes up to the stage and sings MY ONLY REASON by ROBYN. MARLEY is obviously singing this toward JAKE who is BADASS and HALF-BLACK. Several times throughout the song, BLAINE tries to sneak into the song but MARLEY, who lives in the rough part of town, keeps him away with MACE. This also causes BLAINES eyes to twitch IRREGULARLY. INT. VOGUE OFFICES - DAY KURT is at the morning briefing of VOGUE.COM. PARKER starts the meeting. SARAH JESSICA PARKER Everyone shut the fuck up. We got some serious shit goin down here at mothafuckin vogue dot mothafuckin com. We have an exclusive interview with none other than SNL cast member Bobby Moynihan! Everyone APPLAUDS. VOICEOVER. KURT is speechless, except for his SARAH JESSICA

KURT (v.o.) Oh my God, THE Bobby Moynihan? He is the hottest man on the face of the planet. Id never admit it to my friends but I think hes such a fuckin dreamboat! SARAH JESSICA PARKER Now Im busy because I got more important shit to do. Who wants to interview Bobby? (CONTINUED)

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5.

KURTS hand shoots up, as well as several others. SARAH JESSICA PARKER (cont.) I think Ill pick Kurt since we did that music video once. Yes! KURT I mean... good.

INT. STUDIO 8H - DAY KURT is backstage, waiting for BOBBY to show up. nervous as heck. BOBBY MOYNIHAN (offscreen) You must be Kurt! Cut to BOBBY MOYNIHAN walking in slow motion. Hes wearing a CUTE PLAID SHIRT and JEANS. KURTS face turns RED from how much he loves him. BOBBY shakes KURTS hand and takes a seat across from him. KURT It is an honor to meet you, Mr. Moynihan. BOBBY MOYNIHAN Please, you can just call me Bobby. KURT Okay... Bobby. Lets start. This is your fifth year on SNL. How do you feel about that? BOBBY MOYNIHAN I feel 100% Blessed. SNL has always been a dream of mine, I used to record sketches with a tape recorder and listen to them on the way to school. KURT Aww, thats cute. BOBBY MOYNIHAN Youre cute BOBBY winks SUGGESTIVELY. KURT is

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KURT Oh no, did you get coffee in your face too? The same thing happened to my friend earlierBOBBY MOYNIHAN No, I was bein all flirty and whatnot. What? KURT Oh...

BOBBY MOYNIHAN (v.o.) I realized that I was coming on a little too strong, but I am a firm believer in love at first sight, and he has such a cute faKURT (v.o.) Um excuse me, only principle cast gets to do voiceovers. BOBBY MOYNIHAN (v.o.) Oop sorry, wont happen again. INT. CAFETERIA - DAY JAKE is eating his lunch all BADASS. KITTY appears from a CLOUD OF SMOKE and starts being SEDUCTIVE. KITTY Hey Jake, do you miss me yet? JAKE Um, get the fuck out of my face. Youre a terrible person. KITTY Aww yeah Jake, tell me more. JAKE Youre mean to everyone and you make the most offensive jokes. Youre racist and fat shaming and Im pretty sure I saw you push a child down a flight of stairs.

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KITTY He stepped on my shoe. JAKE Anyway, Im with Marley now. Shes nice and pretty and we make a wonderfully contrived couple. KITTY Whatever, you do know that she shares her name with a dog from a movie? JAKE You do know that your name is literally "Kitty"? KITTY Fuck your face. JAKE See? This is why were so bad together. Just go. KITTY FINE. But this isnt over. Im gonna milk this out for as long as I can. Haha. JAKE Milk. Cat.

KITTY I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU. KITTY disappears in a cloud of smoke. INT. GLEE CLUB ROOM - DAY BLAINE is working on his solo when ARTIE and SAM approach him. BLAINE Oh hey guys! Did you come to check out my cool solo? ARTIE Fuck no. Were just here to tell you to stop fucking whining about getting dumped.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: SAM Its putting a damper on all our fun times. ARTIE Remember when we played laser tag last week? SAM You cried for like two hours dude. BLAINE Whatevs, Im fine. Its Kurt thats hurt, I just know it. SAM Shut the fuck up man. INT. STUDIO 8H - DAY KURT and BOBBY are still talking. BOBBY MOYNIHAN Listen, sorry I was a little flirty just now. Its just... nobody knows Im pansexual. GASP. KURT I did not know that.

8.

BOBBY MOYNIHAN Exactly! And Ive kept my private life a secret to make sure the news doesnt come out before I do. KURT What do you have to worry about? Kate McKinnon is openly gay and nobodys really said anything about it so far. BOBBY MOYNIHAN But its different with me! People understand gay but they rarely understand pansexual. KURT You have a point there. BOBBY MOYNIHAN And Im really sorry I put you on. You see, I currently have a girlfriend(CONTINUED)

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KURT Then get rid of her and get with me! BOBBY MOYNIHAN Kurt, in this short time that Ive gotten to know you, Ive fallen head over heels for you, and Id love nothing more than to do just that. Its justKURT Its just what? Youre too scared. I know how you can do it. KURT sings CALL YOUR GIRLFRIEND to BOBBY. The SEXUAL TENSION is just BURSTING AT THE MOTHERFUCKING SEAMS. BOBBY MOYNIHAN Wow, thanks for the tips, Kurt! Youre the sweetest. KURT and BOBBY kiss, but only a small PECK because its CUTER THAT WAY. INT. GLEE CLUB ROOM - DAY The glee club members are just chillin when KITTY appears in a cloud of smoke. ARTIE What the fuck? KITTY Hello loser homos. Id like to audition for Glee Club. SAM Dude we just ended auditions like 4 episodes ago. KITTY That may be true, but you also do not have enough people to qualify for regionals! TINA Damn, shes right. Okay,you can audition, but it better be good and it better be a Robyn song.

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KITTY What a coincidence, it is! KITTY sing HANDLE ME by ROBYN. She sings this toward JAKE who is feeling INTIMIDATED and HALF-BLACK. ARTIE Damn girl you got some pipes. KITTY Thank you, disabled person I dont care about. JOE Yo guys should we let her in though? Shes super promiscuous, which is a big no no in the Bible. What if God sends locusts to fill our lungs? SAM Bro you gotta chill the fuck out. BRITTANY regains consciousness. BRITTANY Whats goin on? SAM Were deciding if Kitty should join the New Directions or not. BRITTANY Hee hee... Nude Erections. sure, why the fuck not. ARTIE Congrats Kitty, youre in! KITTY makes eyes at JAKE, who doesnt like whats going on. INT. CASSANDRAS DANCE CLASS - NIGHT CASSANDRA is making a MIXED DRINK. REASON. RACHEL shows up for NO Oh uh,

CASSANDRA Jesus Christ Rachel, what are you doing here?

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RACHEL Im tired of you picking on me! CASSANDRA Oh my God, are you really telling me how to run my class? RACHEL As a privileged white vegan, I feel obligated to. CASSANDRA Do you know what its like to be me? Let me tell you through song. CASSANDRA sings DONT FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO but in like a tv safe way. RACHEL runs away, CRYING. INT. KURT AND RACHELS SHITTY APARTMENT - NIGHT KURT bursts through the door. He is very HAPPY.

KURT Rachel! Youre never gonna believe who I have a date with! Whats this? KURT notices a NOTE from RACHEL. IT. He picks it up and READS

KURT "Dear Kurt, Im feeling super sorry for myself so Im taking a small break to visit the New Directions. I left you some fresh dildos in the fridge. Love, Rachel" Oh well, more dildos for me. INT. GLEE CLUB ROOM - DAY The glee club members are filing into the room when they see RACHEL. The response is very MIXED, and by MIXED I mean ALMOST NO ONE IS GLAD TO SEE HER. Just BLAINE. BLAINE HEY GURL HEY! RACHEL HEY GURL HEY!

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BLAINE Dont do that. Whats up with you? RACHEL Nothin much. Just feelin sorry for myself. Hey, wanna have an impromptu pity party in the cafeteria? BLAINE You bet! The TWO run off. JAKE approaches KITTY.

JAKE Hey, I know why you joined Glee Club. KITTY What, do you think Im getting closer to you just so I can take you back? JAKE Yeah, thats literally exactly what I was going to say. Well, its not gonna work! Me and Marley have a good thing going! KITTY Oh my god Jake, its "Marley and I", not "Me and Marley" you stupid half-black person. MARLEY Is there a problem here? KITTY Yeah, your boyfriend is bad at grammar! KITTY, flustered, leaves in a cloud of smoke. ARTIE Yo she gotta stop doin that or she gon fuck up the floor.

13.

EXT. NEW YORK PIZZA RESTAURANT - NIGHT KURT and BOBBBY are having a nice romantic dinner. BOBBY MOYNIHAN Ya know, Ive never really dated anyone this young. People are looking at us like Im dating my nephew. KURT Please, people are looking at us because were the two finest motherfuckers in all of the Big Apple. BOBBY MOYNIHAN Quick word of advice: No one calls it the Big Apple. God Kurt, Im surprised at how relaxed you can be. Im scared as hell right now. I mean, what if Jay or Fred or Nasim comes by here? Theyll see us here! KURT They can judge all they want but they cant stop our love. Now come on, theres a lot of New York you need to show me! KURT and BOBBY go on a montage of them looking at cool NEW YORK CITY stuff. The montage is set to them singing STARS 4-EVER by ROBYN. INT. CAFETERIA - DAY JAKE and MARLEY are having LUNCH together. JAKE finds a mysterious NOTE that says "Meet me in the locker room" JAKE Hey Marley, I gotta go to the bathroom. Ill be back in a few minutes. MARLEY Kay, have fun.

14.

INT. MENS LOCKER ROOM - DAY JAKE walks into the locker room. Its completely DARK. Suddenly, all the lights turn on, revealing KITTY wearing her sexiest RED DRESS. KITTY Hey stud, remember me? JAKE Yeah, I literally just saw you two hours ago. KITTY I dont like being ignored by my ex-boyfriends. JAKE Sorry but that happens a lot when you date. KITTY NOT WHEN IT COMES TO ME, MOTHERFUCKER. KITTY forces herself onto JAKE, just in time for MARLEY to walk in. MARLEY Hey I was just on my way to the bathroom to give my boyfriend the toilet paper he likes when I heard a ruckus over he- JAKE! JAKE Hold on, its not what you think! MARLEY This may all be just a simple misunderstanding, but Id rather stick with my initial emotion, which is ANGER! MARLEY runs out of the locker room, upset. MINE! by Robyn. INT. GLEE CLUB ROOM - DAY SAM, ARTIE, TINA, JOE, and BRITTANY are having a secret meeting. She sings BE

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ARTIE You guys, what are we gonna do about Blaine and Rachel? All they do is complain about their lives! This has been going on for two weeks now. TINA I say we slap them hos until they stop feeling sorry for themselves. JOE I say we teach them about Jesus. SAM Dude, Rachel is very Jewish. JOE How come we never go with the Jesus plan? BRITTANY How about we throw a dinosaur themed prom? ARTIE Im very worried about you Brittany. Im also worried that I may have lost my virginity to a mentally handicapped woman. BRITTANY Tots. SAM Look, its very simple. Blaine and Rachel feel like outsiders, like those guys in that movie, Stand By Me. We need to use the teachings of Robyn to set them straight. BRITTANY But Blaine is gay. ARTIE What the hell are you still doing here? BRITTANY Who are you again?

16.

INT. GLEE CLUB ROOM - DAY, LATER The glee club has gathered for another meeting. BLAINE and RACHEL are in the back, dishing about how their lives are garbage. WILL Okay we got another special number from a few people here, so everyone pay attention. Or not. I dont give a shit anymore. WILL goes to the back of the room and LIGHTS UP A FATTIE. ARTIE, SAM, BRITTANY, JOE, AND TINA come to the front of the room. ARTIE This song is dedicated to Blaine and Rachel. SAM It may seem like your life is over because you cant dance or youre a two timing piece of shit, or by some random incident your eyes twitch irregularly. TINA Were here to tell you that youre always a star... in our eyes. They sing IN MY EYES to them. There are several closeups of BLAINE and RACHELS IRREGULARLY TWITCHING EYES so the AUDIENCE can make the CONNECTION. BLAINE Wow, I dont have to feel like a sad sack! RACHEL Me neither! I cant wait to call Kurt and tell him Im coming back now! RACHEL takes out her IPHONE 4S and calls KURT. up at his SHITTY APARTMENT. KURT Hey gurl, what is up? You will not believe the crazy awesome date I had with Bobby! KURT picks

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RACHEL Bobby who? KURT Bobby Moynihan of SNL fame gurrrrrl. RACHEL Wow, you went out with Bobby Moynihan?! BLAINE overhears this news and is SAD. He runs out of the room and into the hallway, where he starts singing the final DRAMATICALLY CONVENIENT SOLO, DANCING ON MY OWN. During his solo we see RACHEL trying to dance but failing. We then cut to JAKE trying to call MARLEY but she doesnt pick up. Then we cut to KURT and BOBBY spooning in BOBBYS LESS SHITTY APARTMENT. Then we see BRITTANY hitting herself with a hammer again. The episode ends with everyone joining in with BLAINE on the big STAGE. Theres a BIG DANCE NUMBER and it looks COOL. END