March 2013

The Monthly Rag

13 stories written by 13 writers after 13 beers
Inside This Issue:
Monthly Rag writer hates his job, intentionally writes shitty article. Self-Reference, pg. iii Student receives inspiring fortune cookie message, becomes first ever to leave Main Moon feeling good. Colgate s student body proposes to change motto to Deo ac Alcolio. Admissions concedes that such a mottowould be quite veritas. Lucky pages 13, 69, & 102 Vestiges of Latin, Pagina MXCV Student Life, pg 13 Administration invests in corduroy pillowcases for next year, expects that transition will make headlines.

Post Zagat Review, Slices To Add Pizazz To Menu

HAMILTON, NY In response to a positive review in a recent Zagat blog posting, Hamiltons own New York Pizzeria will implement some changes. Were renovating the whole place and changing the menu, says Slices owner Nancy Meyer, because we are fancy. For starters, the restaurant, affectionately nicknamed Slices, will only be called by its full fancy name, New York Pizzeria. Contractors arrive next week to install a crystal chandelier and plush red carpet. New stained glass windows will feature quotes from the Zagat review. When sunlight filters through, Meyer explains, the pizzeria staff can bask in their eternal glory. Tuxedoed butlers riding Clydesdale horses will make all pizza deliveries. Pizza Pubs got nothin on us now, Meyers says proudly. Options for dipping sauces will change from ranch and buffalo sauce to imported red wine and liver pt. Plain pizza is no longer an option. Slices come fancy only, with toppings such as caviar, duck foie gras, and rare truffles from the Amazon rain forest. The town is skeptical of the impending renovations, with students in particular fearing the overhaul of their favorite late-night snack. The best part of Slices is the plainness, says sophomore Julie Krum, and that was the Zagat bloggers favorite part, too. In response to students trepidations, Meyer says, Go home, students, youre drunk. The only person who seems to be excited about the Slices renovations is Harry Alderman, owner of Oliveris. Alderman promises plain pizza and slightly underwhelming mozzarella sticks for all. He expects sales of Oliveris pizza to skyrocket. Thank you, Zagat blogger, Alderman says, tears of joy running down his face, Thank you!

Student Discovers Cross-Dimensional Timewarp in Gym Elevator

HAMILTON, NY Sophomore Becky Bryants gym routine was thrown through a bit of a loop when, as she entered the Trudy elevator taking her up to the treadmills for the cardio portion of her workout, she was transported into another dimension. It was a fairly typical Wednesday morning for me, said Bryant. I had just done a bit of lifting and I decided to head upstairs. I got into the elevator, pushed the button to go up, at which point the entirety of my experience dissolved into a slow, dense, vibrational state. Bryant quickly realized that she was on another plane of existence when she saw a series of oscillating spaghetti-like projections surrounding her and asking her how her day will be yesterday. She was slightly taken aback at first, especially since she was beginning to experience time not as a linear progression of events but as a smooth, dark and cheesy substance. The experience rendered Bryant rather out of sorts. It was kind of a bummer, she lamented, cause it messed with my training regimen. Usually, I do one or two-minute intervals between sets, but going into another dimension
Continued on p. 2

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Trudy Elevator from p. 1

put me out of commission for a while, and my muscles definitely cooled down. On the plus side, at one point during my trip I think I was literally holding up Earth, and that was a pretty decent triceps workout. After floating around

in inter-dimensional space-time for a while, the elevator reached the second floor and Bryant came back to her senses. She then proceeded on as normal, although several students noticed she had a slightly dazed look about her. She also claims to have lost her gate card in what she describes as

somewhere in a nearby universe. Asked whether she plans on returning to the elevator anytime soon, Bryant was doubtful, remarking that going into other dimensions doesnt really fit with my scheduleIm a busy gal. To date, Bryant is the only person to report this

phenomenon in the Trudy elevator, although rumor has it Jeffrey Herbst can be found lurking through the wee hours of the morning in the gym, riding the elevator up and down and up and down until daybreak, at which point he tells incoming gym-goers that he was just getting his lift on.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

our spare time in riveting discussions of linear algebra and how much money well pour back into the campus once were alums. so that maybe one day our successors can have a tuition-free fortnight. Until that day comes, I take pride in clinging to this last little scrap of free press. I take pride in bringing you news, not only of a campus that is out there, but also a campus that is in here. You probably cant see me pointing right now, but Im pointing to my heart. True, were not obligated to always provide 100% factual information, but what we provide here is the true essence of Colgate. We speak to your soul. We speak to that glorious spirit within you that lets you, at whim, go out, pound shot after shot, and shovel molten cheese pizza into your system at two in the morning. We speak to the spirit that can do that, and then show up to a 9:55 to deliver a fairly coherent summary of the reading you skimmed between highlighting your favorite quotes from The Monthly Rag. Ill be gone soon, that much is unavoidable. But before I leave, I charge each and every one of you to remember who you are. I implore you to treasure that essence of your being, that ability to have a grand old time and while managing to zip through all your classes. If you can do that, ladies and gentlemen, then I know that this campus will come out all the brighter in spite of whatever challenges are thrown your way. So stay true, because I hope to one day return to this campus and pretend to be successful alum. It is your job to tend to it now, for my generation, for those who came before us, for those who will come after us, for you, and for the glory of our patron deity, Dionysus. They may tell you that youre being immature. They may tell you that youre besmirching the good name of this institution. They may tell you that you only have one liver. You know what I say? I say that every last one of those claims is a shameless lie meant to keep your fun down. If education has taught me anything, its that life is scary and complicated. And unless you can answer all the big questions, your best bet is to roar defiantly in lifes face, your favorite beer in hand.

My dear readers, Like many of you, I return from break with an acute case of just not giving a damn. I know your pain and I know how little any of you actually want to do work. But, rest assured, given the administrations endless crusade to banish fun, I imagine that well soon have little alternative but to whittle away

Disclaimer: The Monthly Rag is a satirical newspaper. All material published herein is fictional, or at least the sort of truth that one keeps to themselves. If you are offended by any of our content, please feel free to instead read our past and/or future issues, we might make fun of your enemies.

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Staff
Editor-in-Chief Slava Fedorchuk Executive Editors Monica Dutia Dan Matz Dan Swiecki Megan Radogna Submissions By: Katie Avery Dan Matz Ritvij Basant Megan Radogna Slava Fedorchuk Quincy Pierce Jake Lightman Casey Sherman

Humanities Colloquium Attracts Herd of Manatees

HAMILTON, NY The annual Humanities Colloquium, a gathering of faculty from across all departments of the Humanities, ground to an unexpected halt with the arrival of a school of manatees, each one a unique color. Attendees stopped dead in the middle of their conversation, enraptured by the vibrant sea of sea cows in their midst. The manatees, reportedly, were just as shocked as the other attendees. After an extended discussion, it was determined that the manatees had mistakenly arrived at what they thought was a Hue Manatees Colloquium. We have travelled many miles and crossed many seas to be among our brethren, explained the groups leader, an exceptionally large manatee who identified himself as Eau, the Hue Manatee. Everywhere we looked, asking about the home of the Hue Manatees. The humans told us of a gathering of our kind. We were most disappointed when we arrived to a promise that was as empty as the muffin baskets. Colgates faculty was at odds with how to handle the situation. So theyre an exiled people in search of a homeland, big whoop, pointed out history professor Alex Komnenos. You realize how many times thats happened in my field? Its like every damn ethnic tragedy suddenly merits handouts. I came here to enjoy my cookies and my muffins, not to have my snacks usurped by a bunch of vagabonds. Next thing you know, well be supplying them with weapons in their holy war against, I dont even know, the Dolphin Caliphate? Eau confirmed that war was not within their budget for the time being, and declined to comment on the religious strife between his people and the Dolphins. Well, I say that helping them is our civic duty, countered Hank Irchiff of Native American Studies. We must preserve all ethnic and cultural identities, no matter the cost. We cant just turn a cold shoulder to outsiders and leave them to wallow in misery on the outskirts of campus. Thats reserved for the students who dont fit in. While the solution to the Hue Manatees crisis is still under deliberation, the Linguistics Department has announced that it will be holding a lecture series in the coming weeks entitled Language, Homophones, and Miscommunication: The Story of Us.

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Spotted on Twitter

@ColgateUniversity: Yo guys, @DKEtillDawn, y is this acct still active?? #notcool #moveon @DKEtillDawn: Hey, question, @ColgateUniversity, hows that

alumni funding coming along these days? #wewillriseagain @AstronomyDepartment: for the last time, we dont do horoscopes so please stop asking for yours
Lost: faith in humanity Found: Colgate Confessions Lost: all my friends downtown Found: last cruiser home

Lost & Found

Lost: originality Found: Econ major Lost: jacket Found: someone elses jacket

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Colgate Administration Cracks Down on Gang Activity Among Senior Thesis Carrels
HAMILTON, NY The Case Library and Geyer Center for Information Technologies has been home to escalating gang warfare over the last several months. Representatives from the Colgate administration announced on Thursday that preliminary efforts to curb crime and lessen the ever-growing death toll have been unsuccessful, and have therefore called for a growth in preventative measures. Following the latest spate of gang attitudes, we are ramping up our efforts. We are planning on recruiting many new Campus Safety officials, many of which will come from the student body, announced John Rendo, the Dean of Gang Affairs. This is just the latest action we have instituted in the hopes of ending this needless beefing. Over the course of the past two semesters, Colgate gang life, once relatively dormant, has exploded into the public eye following two disastrous incidents that took place in the senior thesis carrels last autumn. In early September, senior Kelly Garfield, who was wearing a black sweater, was innocently conducting research into the effect of having a psychologist roommate on computer science majors when she was assaulted by a group of econ majors. No one can wear our color around these parts unless theyre in the black like us, said one senior economist, David Goldstein, more commonly known by his gangland handle The Marginal Utility. The very next week, a firefight broke out between a group of English majors and a handful of philosophy majors, leaving three dead and six injured. The fight ended when the philosophy majors fell to infighting, with half of them deciding that life was ultimately meaningless. Rendo hopes the crackdown will cause gang activity to fall back down to its historical level, which he says, is essentially contained to frat guys who think theyre gangster and that one kid who wears a fedora. What, does he think hes Al Capone or something? Jeez.

Classifieds

Student Obsessively Checks Colgate

HAMILTON, NY DORAKs Facebook page Colgate Compliments, usually known for putting smiles on students faces, recently sent sophomore Daniel Porter into a fit of raging hysteria. According to his roommate, Jeremy Stern, Porter actually used to be kind of a normal guy. I mean he has this thing where he always wears socks. Like, always. But aside from that, he was a pretty sociable dude. Now he just stares at Facebook all day and cries, says Stern. I dont know what went wrong. The DORAK Facebook page appeared in late November, its aim to help anonymously encourage fellow students. Our sources say Porter submitted at least twenty

ResLife seeking student to support new restrictions on social life. Willing to offer endorsement deal, free beer* *(Just not in a keg, or solo cup ) Admissions seeking charismatic, attractive students to provide tours on the week of April 1420th (SPW). Must actually be likeable and have friends, no applicants who were planning on staying in anyway. Ability to lie about campus life a big plus SWF seeking male for company. Must be willing to move in with me post-graduation. Strong applicants will have cooking abilities and an uncanny resemblance to Ryan Gosling. Those with cat allergies are favored, because cats suck. Submit an abdominal photo with application (6+ please)

Compliments Daily, Yearns to Be Loved

heart-felt compliments, calling people from his friend group nice, friendly, and totally deserving of true, lasting love. His anonymous comments ceased when, after three weeks, he received none in return. It was around this time that Porters behavior declined. According to the friends that Porter had previously showered with compliments, his behavioral symptoms included despondence, interspersed with momentary rage coupled with foaming at the mouth while screaming, Why dont they like me?! Im a lovely human being! Porters only statement: I dont really want to comment. But if I did, it would be anonymous and really, really kind.

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Newman Community Summoned by Vatican To Elect The New Pope

HAMILTON, NY In the wake of Benedict XVIs resignation, the elaborate electoral process to find the next pope has begun and the final decision will fall to the Colgate University Newman Community. Since the officials at the Vatican are all too old and feeble to handle the shock of Benedicts surprising departure, the strokeprone cardinals called on the youthful religious organization to help, and flew them out to Rome. In an age-old but forgotten tradition, the Newman Community has been known to elect church officials when the Vatican is unprepared to deal with a curveball. Unbeknownst even to the members of the group, their title actually refers to this capability to choose the new man for the papal position. Newman
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Community president Christian Matthews explains, We always thought Newman was a Seinfeld reference. When we realized we got to pick the new pope we were like, Oh my God! And then we felt pretty bad for taking His name in vain, but you know. Still excited. The Newman Community will convene in the Vatican basement to discuss the papal candidates. The process

could take many days and nights due to the large pool of old white European male applicants for the job. The group still debates over which method theyll employ to elect the pope. We considered smoke, like the Vatican does, Matthews says, but one of our members gave up smoking for Lent so we had to scrap that. Other proposed methods include having

the papal candidates compete in an American Idol-style hymn-singing competition. The Newman Community hopes that picking the Pope will launch them into a successful series of making important decisions both inside and outside the religious realm. They have already landed a spot on the committee to choose the next new Ben & Jerrys ice cream flavor. Says Matthews, We vote next week on whether itll be Loaves and Fish or The Last Supper. Both flavors have chocolate covered chunks of unblessed wafers so its really a winwin. When asked about the papal decision-making process, the university chaplain declined to comment but did mention that pizza and wings would be served afterwards.

ou l?! Y Do Hal , s t g n n i e n tud nk Di S y He E Fra V LO

Then Youll LOVE the Frank Dining Hall IRON CHEF Contest!
Watch our finest cooks duke it out as they compete to make the best meal they can, using nothing except... AN IRON! This Tuesday! Expect silly wigs, iron-ic costumes, and other gimmicks scientifically proven to make food taste better. No rules, no limits, no healthcodes. Its not just on... its IRON!

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Pinkeye Epidemic Traced Back To Maniac History Major

HAMILTON, NYA Monthly Rag investigation has brought to light information that indicates junior Sean Lewis is the culprit behind Colgates recent conjunctivitis (pinkeye) epidemic. Lewis, a history major, has been studying the Native American rebellions in HIST 356, Conquest and Colony-New World. Specifically, Seans professor noted that he has been interested in the Siege of Fort Pitt in which Colonel Henry Bouquet doled out blankets from the smallpox ward to opposing Native Americans in an attempt to wipe them out. We have strong evidence that proves Sean has attempted to reenact history by handing out smallpox blankets of his own in the form of pinkeye pillows. Numerous eye-witnesses noticed Sean standing outside the chapel handing out free pillows to any classmates who were willing to accept. I assumed he was just another student trying to make midterms week less stressful, commented one student while applying prescription eye drops to his pus-infested eyes. I just couldnt refuse. I must say it was weird though how he kept sitting on the pillows and rubbing them into his eyes, recalled another student while furiously itching her bloodshot left eye. By the end of the day on the quad it was becoming difficult to tell who was infected and who was just high, so we decided it was time to go speak with Lewis ourselves. My professor, who is a

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total bro, I gave him all fives on ratemyprofessor.com, was just telling us that to really understand history, we must both learn from it and let it inspire us. So thats what Ive been trying to do. Find me one other Colgate student that thinks as freely as I do, man. Im a true advocate for the liberal arts education! Lewis yelled out as he was escorted away by campus safety for further questioning. Health Services recommends that students practice proper hand washing, and avoid rubbing eyes together. Sean, however, recommends that students think deeply about their place in the grand scheme of things. They may be blind now, but they shall soon see the pink crusty truth of history says Lewis.

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Student Enters Trudy Fitness Center with Wet Shoes, Plunges Everything Into Horrible Chaos
HAMILTON, NY Sophomore gym-goer Jim Goehr became an unwitting catalyst to the greatest disaster in university history when he unwittingly entered the Trudy Fitness Center with wet, salty shoes this past Wednesday. Goehr, a self-described fitness enthusiast with some pretty sweet calves reportedly left his fraternity room in a rush of exercise enthusiasm, neglecting to bring a change of shoes. I was just so pumped about getting pumped, you know? Goehr rhetorically asked our reporters. It was literally like a 30-foot walk on a mostly clear sidewalk, and by the time I realized I didnt have a change of shoes I was like halfway there, so I figured, hey, whats the worst that could happen? Unfortunately for Goehr, and everyone else in attendance on that Wednesday morning, the consequences were literally monstrous. As soon as his foot touched the floor of the weight room, the entire gymnasium shook, and witnesses reported a colossal demon breaking through the floor and flying out of the building, leaving behind a trail of maniacal laughter. Anyone who thinks we built this gym for the sake of the students is living in La-La Land explained Fitness Director Karen Toumuch. This entire campus was actually built as a prison to house the Seven Great Demons. Its hard to explain to the uninitiated, but you know the Seven Deadly Sins? Basically this campus exists to curb the power of the Seven Demons and enchanted to power the locks on his prison. Goehrs salt-stained boots weakened our protective charms, so now theres a great big Sloth Demon running around campus. Great. Toumuch declined to speculate on the long term consequences of Goehrs actions, but anticipates that students will probably give even less of a shit about their work than usual. A disciplinary board hearing concluded that Goehr will be banned from wearing shoes of any sort for the remainder of his stay at Colgate, and has put out a bounty on the head of the Sloth Demon on Craigslist. Campus Safety has already promised to send someone down in a few minutes to investigate the incident. A reprint of the wanted poster is included below, for any qualified students.

their respective sins. Frank Dining Hall is intentionally tasteless and mitigates the power of Gluttony, the Bookstore serves to take all your money and keep you from the influence of Greed, and so on. Trudy was built to house Sloth, and all these weight machines and ellipticals were

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Drinking Games of the Month, Happy March!

Normally when we share the latest in competitive imbibery, we only do one game. However, since its March and you need the practice for SPW, were rolling out a triple feature of drinking games guaranteed to get you in shape! I. Bet Your Liver A great game for people who dont like too many rules, are looking to get drunk fast, or have a talent for counting cards. Rules 1) Players sit in a circle around an empty solo cup. 2) First player starts by pouring whatever they want, and however much they want, into the solo cup. Equipment 3) First player then draws a card -Deck of cards from the deck and places it on their -Solo cup. forehead so that everyone but the -Any and all drinkable liquids you player can see the card. have. (Juice, mixers, tabasco, etc) 4) The player must then guess the -People properties of the card. A player -Some form of alcohol (if you didnt can choose to guess at any of the include it among your drinkable following: color (ie red or black), liquids) suit, or the value of the card. A player may only choose to guess one attribute. II. Schrodinger Shots Rules A great game for physics majors, 1) One player is in charge of pouring or students who enjoy games of drinks each round. He pours chance. something into each shot glass, and places all the shotglasses together Equipment on a table. Shots can be water or -At least one shotglass for every alcohol, what matters is that its player. More is always better. impossible to tell from looking. -As many clear alcohols as you can 2) One at a time, in a clockwise find. Variety is the spice of life. fashion, players choose a shot glass -Some water. and down its contents. III. Campus Life Drinking Game If ResLife restrictions on drinking games have got you down, these minigames should be an easy way to drink like the good old days. Equipment -Your favorite drink. Rules Freshmen: -Drink every time someone knocks on your dorm door. If it turns out to be campus safety or your RA, drink again after they leave. -Continuously drink whenever you see a campus safety officer or a tour. -Be sure keep track of your heaviest nights and report high scores to your faculty advisor. Sophomores: -Take a shot every time one of your friends declares a major. Do an extra shot if its the same major as you. -Drink every time someone mentions how great its gonna be to be an upperclassman next year. 5) If the player guesses correctly, they earn the following rewards: Color: No reward. The game continues to the next player in the circle, clockwise. Suit: The player can decide whose turn is next, breaking the normal cycle of clockwise rotation. Value: The player can make any other player drink the contents of the cup. 6) If a player guesses incorrectly, they must drink the contents of the cup. 7) If a player startd a turn with a cup filled to capacity, its contents must be distributed to all players. 3) After a player takes a shot, the person on their right must guess the contents of that shot glass. Every time they guess correctly, the player must take another shot. 4) The round is over when all shots are downed. The last player to take a shot becomes the pourer for the next round. 5) Drink till youre drunk enough to think you understand string theory. senior year. -Drink every time you realize that youre 21 and you can just do this whenever.

Seniors: -Drink every time someone asks you what youre doing next year. Drink twice if you dont have an answer. -Drink every time you catch yourself not really interested in your coursework. -Drink every time you find yourself Juniors: reflecting on your time at Colgate. -Drink every time someone -Drink whenever, just because. mentions how excited they are for