The

of Medical Marijuana

New scientific discoveries validate cannabis as a treatment for many diseases

By Martin A. Lee
n 1964, a team of Israeli researchers led by Dr. Raphael Mechoulam isolated and synthesized tetrahydrocannabinol (or THC), the main psychoactive ingredient of marijuana. Although he didn't realize it at the time, Mechoulam had lit a fuse that would detonate a revolution in medical science. Just as the study of opium resulted in the discovery of endorphins, the brain's own morphine-like substance, so too, research into the complex pharmacology and metabolic pathways of cannabis would lead to the discovery of a unique molecular signaling system in the brain and body that is involved in the regulation of a broad range of biological functions. In 1988, scientists learned that "cannabinoid" receptorsspecialized protein molecules embedded in ce membranes, which respond pharmacologically to compounds in marijuanaare 20 times more prevalent in the human brain and central nervous system than opioid receptors. Five years later, additional cannabinoid (CB) receptors were found in the gut, spleen, liver, heart, kidneys, bones, lymph and immune cells, endocrine glands, and throughout the peripheral nervous system. Mechoulam and his colleagues assumed that these receptors were not formed solely for the sake of experiencing the effects of a particular herb. They embarked upon a search for an endogenous substanceour "inner canna-

bis," so to speakthat binds to these special receptors. In 1992, Mechoulam's team discovered a naturally occurring "endocannabinoid," similar in effect to THC, which triggers biochemical changes on a cellular level. After identifying the brain's own THC-like cousin, they decided to call it "anandamide," deriving from the Sanskrit word for bliss. Since then, scientific interest in "the endocannabinoid system"named after the plant that led to its discovery has flourished. In addition to anandamide, several other endocannabinoids have been identified. Advances in the burgeoning field of cannabinoid studies are paving the way for new treatment strategies for numerous physical and psychological infirmities. A 2006 review ("The Endocannabinoid System as an Emerging Target of Pharmacology") by investigators at the U.S. National Institut^ of Health reported that compounds in marijuana "hold therapeutic promise in a wide range of pathological conditions," including neuropathic pain, arthritis, Alzheimer's, multiple sclerosis, cancer, depression, drug addiction, epilepsy, osteoporosis, Parkinson's, and many other diseases that are seemingly beyond the reach of conventional cures. Yet, few people outside the scientific community have heard of the endocannabinoid system. Aside from a handful of cannabis clinicians in the 14 U.S. states where medical marijuana is legal, most American doctors are clueless about the hard science that sheds light on why cannabis

is such a versatile and enduring remedy (it's been used therapeutically at least since 2500 BC), and why it is by far the world's most popular illicit substance. Unbeknownst to the general public, scientists involved in cannabinoid studies share their findings in highly technical, peer-reviewed journals and at annual conferences that attract hundreds of experts from around the world. "We are a large group that is working without really competing, and we are exchanging information all the time," says Mechoulam, who maintains that cannabinoids represent "a medicinal treasure trove." Several hundred new scientific articles discussing cannabinoids are published each month. Ironically, much of this cutting-edge research has been subsidized by the U.S. National Institute of Drug Abuse (NIDA), which spread its largesse in an effort to prove the harmful effects of marijuana. But rather than discrediting cannabis, NIDA inadvertently helped to facitate a series of astonishing scientific breakthroughs.

Of Knockout Mice & Men

In a remarkable way, the effects of cannabis have drawn scientists to the still unfolding saga of the endocannabinoid system, which has only recently begun to reveal its profound mysteries. This ancient, internal signal system started evolving more than 600 mlion years ago (long before cannabis Orgnica 1 Winter/Spring 2011 9

took root), when the most complex life form was sponges. Endocannabinoids, the naturally occurring messenger molecules that bind to CB receptors somewhat like keys fitting into slots, are present in fish, reptiles, amphibians, rodents, birds and mammals of every variety. CB receptors are "turned on" by three kinds of cannabinoid keys: endogenous fatty acid cannabinoids; phytocannabinoids concentrated in the oy resin on the buds and leaves of the marijuana (and no other) plant; and synthetic cannabinoid "agonists" concocted in academic and drug company laboratories. Using genetically engineered "knockout" mice that lack CB receptors, researchers have proven that cannabinoid compounds can alter disease progression and attenuate experimentally induced symptoms. Here's how it works. An "animal model" of osteoporosis, for example, is created in normal mice and in knockout mice without CB receptors. When a cannabinoid agonist is given to both groups of osteoporatic mice, bone damage is mitigated in the normal mice but has no effect on rodents lacking CB receptors, which means that CB receptors are instrumental in maintaining healthy bone density. (CB receptor activation, according to a German research team, restrains the formation of bone reabsorbing cells, known as osteodasts, by down-regulating osteoclast precursors, thus tipping the balance in favor of osteoblasts, cells that facilitate bone formation.) Similar experiments with knockout mice indicate that CB receptors are involved in pain relief and ameliorating acute brain injuries, arthritis, multiple sclerosis, gastric ulcers, diabetes, cystic fibrosis, cerebral palsy, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (Lou Gehrig's Disease) and other neurological disorders. The actions of the endocannabinoid system are ubiquitous. Formed on demand in areas of need, anandamide and other endocannabinoids impact the organism in ways that are "predominantly local and specific," says Mechoulam. Anandamide levels in the craniosacral fluid, for example, increase in response to strokes and other traumatic brain injuries. With their unique capacity to engage in "retrograde signaling," which inhibits immune cell migration, endogenous cannabinoids and their botanical counterparts can normalize over-stimulated nerves and reduce inflammation. (Retrograde signaling is an intra-cellular communication process that puts the brakes on excessive activity.) Meanwhile, U.S. drug war oflicials continue to mislead the public, claiming that marijuana is harmful because it weakens the immune system. It turns out that one of the main reasons why cannabis is therapeutic is precisely because it temporarily impedes immune cell activity, thus easing inflammatory and autoimmune ailments. The human immune system, an amazing physiological wonder, has both an inflammatory and an anti-inflammatory component. Picture the immune system as a furnace that switches on when a fever is required to fry a virus or a bacterial invader. When the job is done, endocannabinoid signaling turns down theflameand restores homeostasis. But if the pilot light burns too high, if the immune system overreacts and mistakes one's own body for a foreign object, then the stage is set for an autoimmune disease or an inflammatory condition to develop. Numerous scientific studies have determined that cannabinoidsendo, herbal and syntheticare neuropro10 PUBLISHED BY AUBREY ORGANICS*

tective, as well as anti-inflammatory. When consumed orally, THC packs an anti-inflammatory punch twenty times stronger than aspirin and twice that of hydrocortisone. Cannabinoids literally cool the body; thus marijuana should be assiduously avoided if a fever is needed to ght an infection. But when it comes to autoimmune diseases and other chronic, age-related ailments that are often resistant to conventional treatments, cannabinoid compounds show tremendous healing potential.

The Ur-Regulator
By now, nearly every major pharmaceutical firm has a research team that is intent on developing cannabinoid remedies for a wide array of infirmities, including, at long last, a painkiller without abuse potential. (Need it be said that no one has ever died from an overdose of cannabinoids?) Backed by NIDA and Big Pharma, scientists

Consumed orally, THC packs an antiinflammatory punch 20 times stronger than aspirin and twice that of hydrocortisone

age-related diseases such as cardiovascular, autoimmune and neurological disorders, and cancer. All of these age-related diseasesand the aging process itselfare thought to have free radicals as causative agents." Highly reactive chemicals known as free radicals are produced when animals use oxygen to burn food for fuel. A great deal of data suggests that many problems associated with growing old stem from the inability of the aging organism to protect itself against free-radicalinduced inflammation and oxidative stress, which cause neurodegenerative illnesses. "In general, free radicals can be viewed as biochemical friction, while cannabinoids are the biochemical oil of life," Melamede counsels. "Appropriate cannabis use reduces biological harm caused by biochemical imbalances, particularly those that increase in frequency with age. Cannabis pushes the immune system into anti-inflammatory mode and helps slow the progression of disease, thereby slowing down the aging process." Some cultures revered cannabis as an "extender of life." According to ancient Hindu lore, it was Shiva's gift to the worldwhere the nectar of immortality landed on earth, ganja sprang forth. Longevity and good health were attributed to this plant. The world's oldest pharmacopoeia from China, the Shen-Nung Pen-Tshao Ching, listed over 100 ailments treatable with "Ma," medicinal hemp, which was considered an unusually therapeutic herb because, unlike most botanicals, it possesses both strong yin and yang energy (the passive feminine principle and the active masculine force). In traditional Chinese medicine, psychoactive hemp was prized for its hfe-enhancing and hfe-extending qualities. Taoist initiates embraced it as a means to achieve immortality. Commenting on the therapeutic upside of marijuana. Dr. Lester Grinspoon, professor emeritus at the Harvard School of Medicine, cut to the chase: "It's a sad commentary on the state of modern medicine and U.S. drug policy that we stul need 'proof of something that medicine has known for 5000 years."

Endocannabinoid Deficiency
have learned that cannabinoid receptors convey chemical signals that choreograph the ebb andflowof immune cells, hormones and mood-altering neurotransmitters such as serotonin and dopamine. Glucose metabolism in every cell of the human body is regulated by the endocannabinoid system. Robert Melamede, professor emeritus of biology at the University of Colorado, likens the endocannabinoid system to a series of thermostats that modulate the tempo and temperature of nervous, skeletal, muscular, digestive, cardiovascular and reproductive functioning; the endocrine glands, sleep cycles, appetite, immune response, pain sensitivity and other crucial biological processes. "Endocannabinoids are central players in life's multidimensional biochemical balancing act, known as homeostasis," says Melamede. Describing the endocannabinoid system as "the Ur-Regulator," he explains why marijuana is such an effective, multipurpose medicine; "It is the only plant that mimics the way our bodies try to maintain balance. "With the advent of antibiotics and an increased focus on public health," adds Melamede, "the leading cause of death in the United States has shifted over the last century from infectious diseases such as tuberculosis, to Recent scientific research has affirmed anecdotal accounts of medical marijuana users. University of San Francisco oncologist Donald Abrams, for example, conducted studies showing that cannabis significantly relieved peripheral nerve pain in AIDS patients who were not helped by any federally certified pain medications. In another study published in the science journal Anesthesiology, researchers at the University of California in San Diego discerned that cannabis works best as a painkiller when moderate amounts are smoked, whereas heavy puffing may actually worsen the pain. Known in pharmacological parlance as the "biphasic" effect, this curious less-is-more dynamic was also noted by McGill University scientists, who found that low doses of marijuana increased serotonin levels in rats, but high doses made their serotonin levels plummet. Similarly, low doses of cannabis, a serotonin modulator, can relieve anxiety and depression (hence the moniker "Green Prozac"), while too much THC can wig people out. Italian scientist Mauro Maccarrone has explored the role of cannabinoid receptors in reproductive biology. CB receptors play an essential role in both male and female fertility, according to Maccarrone, who describes the endocannabinoid system as the "guardian angel" or "gatekeeper" of mammalian reproduction. Endocannabinoid

signaling figures decisively throughout the reproductive processfrom spermatogenesis to fertilization, ovuductal transport of the zygote, embryo implantation, fetal development, and the initiation of suckling in newborns. (High concentrations of endocannabinoids are present in mother's milk.) CB receptors proliferate in the placenta and facilitate neurochemical "cross-talk" between the embryo and the mother. A misfiring of the endocannabinoid system, Maccarrone warns, could result in serious problems, including ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage. Maccarrone hopes that his research will lead to therapeutic applications for correcting infertility and improving reproductive health. The late Israeli scientist Ester Fride observed that genetically engineered knockout mice missing CB receptors resemble babies who suffer from "failure to thrive" syndrome. (Without CB receptors, mice wither and die prematurely.) This is one of many enigmatic conditions that may arise because of a dysfunctional endocannabinoid system. Infant colic has also been attributed to a dearth of endocannabinoids. "Endogenous cannabinoid deficiency," explains University of Washington neurologist Ethan Russo, could result from a diminished number of cannabinoid receptors or the insufficient presence of anandamide and other endogenous cannabinoids. Individuals have different congenital endocannabinoid levels and sensitivities. A surplus or lack of metabolic enzymes involved in the formation and breakdown of anandamide could skew the endocannabinoid system. And dietary factors may also contribute to endocannabinoid deficits. Essential fatty acids (abundant in hempseed, flaxseed, walnuts and fish) are biochemical building blocks of anandamide; a diet low in omega oils can compromise the endocannabinoid system. Whatever the causes. Dr. Russo postulates that "clinical endocannabinoid deficiency" underlies migraines, fibromyalgia, irritable bowel disease and other degenerative illnesses which may respond favorably to cannabinoid remedies. Israeli and Spanish researchers were the first to link the onset of Alzheimer's to the human brain's failure to produce enough of its own marijuana-like compounds. As reported in The Journal of Neuroscience, cannabis derivatives slow the development of Alzheimer's by inhibiting the activity of microglia cells that damage neurons in the brain. In 2005, Canadian scientists disclosed that a synthetic cannabinoid compound stimulated brain cell growth. Of all the so-called drugs of abuse, "only marijuana promotes neurogenesis," says Dr. Xia Zhang, lead researcher for the experiment at the University of Saskatchewan. Other studies found that injections of THC destroyed brain tumors in rats. And laboratory experiments in several countries have shown that cannabinoids can kill a variety of malignant cells, including leukemia, lymphoma, glioma, breast cancer, prostate cancer, colon and rectal cancer.

CBDrThe Non-Toxicant
Cannabis contains many biologically active components besides THC. Another plant-derived substance that has sparked significant interest among scientists is cannabidiol (CBD), the second most prevalent compound in marijuana (see sidebar). CBD is a potent, non-addictive painkiller and anti-inflammatory with an impressive range of potential applications. In 2007, French scientists presented evidence that CBD can stop the progression of "mad cow" disease by inhibiting the development of infectious, misshaped protein-particles, known as prions, which cause several fatal, transmissible, neu-

rodegenerative diseases. "Our results suggest that CBD may protect neurons against the multiple molecular and cellular factors involved in the different steps of the neurodegenerative process, which takes place during prion infection," the French research team concluded. "When combined with its ability to target the brain and its lack of toxic side effects, CBD may represent a promising new anti-prion drug." The cardioprotective qualities of CBD were confirmed by researchers in Madrid, who reported that CBD-treated mice are much less prone to acute ischmie events than untreated mice. And an Israeli study demonstrated that CBD treatment dramatically reduces blood sugar levels and the incidence of diabetes in mice. Clinical trials in Brazil indicate that CBD lowers anxiety among schizophrenic patients. It was also tested successfully on children with therapy-resistant epilepsy. The fact that CBD is not psychoactiveit doesn't get you highmakes it all the more intriguing to pharmaceutical companies, which are keen to sculpt synthetic novelties that possess some of the therapeutic attributes of marijuana without altering mood or thinking (although it's not clear why mild euphoria should be considered a negative side effect for someone who is iU). With CBD there are no known adverse side effects; it actually softens the psychotropic impact of THC. CBD is the yin of THC's yang. Cannabidiol balances the buzz and tempers the euphoriaor in some cases, the dysphoriainduced by THC, which in concentrated form can make a person feel loopy and very nervous. One of the standard arguments invoked by pot prohibitionists is that medical marijuana is unnecessary because a synthetic version of pure THC is available by prescription under the brand name Marinol as a remedy for nausea. But Marinol, a single-molecule pill, lacks the crucial therapeutic qualities conferred by CBD. Scientists believe that CBD, which has strong anti-anxiety properties, works best in tandem with THC, an inebriant. Together they perform a yin-yang balancing act in keeping with the endocannabinoid system's role as "the Ur-Regulator," the Tao of health. CBD interacts with THC in complex ways, augmenting certain effects, such as THC's painkilling and anti-inflammatory capacity, while muting THC's psychoactivity A randomized clinical trial of 177 subjects in Great Britain showed that a combination of THC and CBD worked better than THC alone in providing relief from cancer pain. The antioxidant properties of THC and CBD in combo, which mitigate damage caused by free radicals, exceed the antioxidant potency of vitamins C and E. THC and CBD are the major constituents of Sativex, a non-smokable cannabis extract available by prescription in Canada, England and Spain for treating neuropathic pain associated with multiple sclerosis and cancer. Administered as an under-the tongue spray, Sativex is produced by GW Pharmaceuticals, a British firm that has distinguished itself from other drug companies by developing a range of whole plant remedies with varying ratios of THC and CBD. It's not hard to imagine plenty of off-label uses for Sativex.

CBD:
It doesn't get you high, but it's causing a buzz
ore than one hundred "cannabinoid" compounds have been discovered that are unique to the marijuana plant. Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) and cannabidiol (CBD) have been studied most extensively. THC is predominant in plants bred for their psychoactive effect. CBD is the predominant cannabinoid in hemp plants bred for fiber. CBD, a non-psychoactive component of the cannabis plant, has enormous therapeutic potential. Recent scientific experiments indicate that CBD could be effective in easing symptoms of a wide range of diseases. CBD has proven neuroprotective and anti-bacterial properties, and its anti-cancer properties are currently being studied at academic centers in the United States and elsewhere. Because CBD neutralizes the psychoactive effect of THC, for many years cannabis breeders focused on creating strains that were high in THC and low in CBD. When California legalized marijuana for medical use in 1996, nearly all of the cannabis available in the Golden State had been bred to accentuate the swimmyheaded "stoney" feel enjoyed by pot smokers. In an effort to ensure the safety and efficacy of their products, several medical marijuana dispensaries in California and other states have begun testing marijuana strains for cannabinoid profiles. Serendipitously, a few CBD-rich strains were discovered. These are now being offered to medical marijuana patients. One such patient in San Francisco described the effects of CBD-rich cannabis as "relaxing but not intoxicating." The reduced psychoactivity of CBD-rich cannabis makes it an appealing treatment option for people seeking anti-inflammatory, anti-pain, anti-anxiety, anti-spasm, anti-tumoral and neuroprotective effects without distracting euphoria or lethargy.

The "Entourage Effect"

In addition to THC and CBD, more than one hundred other cannabinoids are present in marijuana in tiny amountseach a slightly different molecule with unique therapeutic attributes. For example, cannabigerol (CBG) has anti-fungal and antibiotic properties;

For more information, see: www. projectcbd. com.

Orgnica | Winter/Spring 2011 11

Yin Yang continued on page 34

yin 8t yang
continued from pg. 11
CBG also relaxes the blood vessels and lowers blood pressure. Plus, there are dozens of terpenoids (aromatic oils) and phytonutritious flavonoids in cannabis, which impart a distinct smell, taste and medicinal quality to each strain of marijuana. Scientists recently discovered that certain terpenoids trigger changes in cell physiology and immune response by binding directly to cannabinoid receptors. And certain flavonoids activate serotonin receptors, which are involved in mood stabilization and uplift. Flavonoids, like cannabinoids and terpenoids, have strong antioxidant and anti-inflammatory properties. All of these medicinal components interact with each other to produce a holistic "entourage effect," as Raphael Mechoulam calls it, that is far greater than the sum of the plant's parts. Despite the pipe dreams of Big Pharma and the drug war establishment, synthesized corporate concoctions will never make the whole plant medically or recreationally obsolete. While they may prove helpful to many people, it is unlikely that these synthetic remedies will supplant the use of cost-effective, organically grown, backyard bud with its pungent, antioxidant-rich mixture of cannabinoids, terpenes andflavonoids,which act synergistically to create a therapeutic impact that exceeds the capacity of single-molecule medicines. "The science is an avalanche coming down," says Dr. William Courtney, a cannabis clinician in Northern California. "And the pharmaceutical giants are salivating. They want to isolate all the active ingredients of marijuana and turn them into a hundred separate medicines." Endorsing the whole plant as a preferable option, Courtney asserts: "There is a big difference between being grossly intoxicated and supporting an internal system without which we would not be alive."

Martin A. Lee is the author of Acid Dreams: The Complete Social History of LSD, and The Beast Reawakens. He is presently writing a social history of marijuana. For more information, visit www.projectcbd.com.

i do
continued from pg. 21
A few weeks ago, we stood before the long mirror in the hall, me behind her, with my arms around her. "You . . . me," I said, slowly, solemnly, almost as a question. I was outside my standard compass of perception. "You . . . and I," I said with deep feeling and astonishment. And she laughed at the sappy heft of my toneuntil she recognized I was not the man I usually am and she not the usual woman, but that we were, and are, a remarkable accident, an extraordinary fiber of deliberation and happenstance, blind will, beauty, expedience, hope, and kooky myth-making: all that is marriage and love, with or without the license. On my office desk is a picture taken just after we had exchanged I do in the living room of our house and the man from the city had presented us with a trash violation
wvw/.organicanews.com

'*

for stacking too many leaf bags in the alley. In the picture, she mouths an O of smoke from an elegant brown cigarette, the sleeves of my linen blazer drooping over her hands, and she gleams like the pearls she wears. I've tried to guess what my relationship to that image will be one day. Will it become my great icon of grief? Commensurate with my present happiness? To some extent, it already hasin the way the very young mourn the loss of their youth. She and I are still tumorless (as far as we know), though sometimes when she waves goodbye from a car, I'm teased by a morbid inner voice-over which announces omnisciently, "He didn't know that was the last time he'd see her alive ..." Absurd, this personal spell, yet the kind of love I'm falling into seems to demand it. Once, driving through a summer evening in the mountains, she turned to me and said, "Scatter my ashes under a lovely tree," and she meant it. Her request made me that much more callow. As she chats with the vendor now, I recall a day I overheard her charm a travel agent on the phoneso simply and quickly, that glibness. Her business. Her life. Most of a relationship can only be rendered like an allusion to a text no one else has read, a text unavailable even to a willing reader. I remember the wife of an acquaintance in graduate school talking to someone at a party, her profile backlit by a lamp. I turned and noticed that the bridge of her nose was made faintly translucent by that light. Was she aware that her cosmetic surgery showed, if this is what it was? What desire did it reveal, beyond vanity? What secret history? I raked my glance away from it over and over, appalled and curious and arrogantly pitying. Not long afterward, she and her husband moved from town, and a few years later, heone of the most successful of our groupshot himself in the head in front of her. We were told they had separated, so this is what he'd done. For a while, I was comforted somewhat by how this explanation gave us a way to see them as part of an acceptably frustrating mystery. Then I remembered that translucence, and I began to reconsider the look of the obvious. One of Lisa's fears is that someday the two of us will find ourselves not sharing even a glance, perhaps only chewing waffles in some chain cafe and, by this, grimly parodying the talk no longer between us. Yet we've already had this mealafter an eight-hour descant on trust or a night-long dispute of mutual, unacknowledged pride. So perhaps the display of mute abstraction articulates a deeper bond. I suspect it less than the show of a couple, once, in a nearby booth: the woman smeared her mouth thickly with meringue and her partner licked it voluptuously clean. Several years ago, my brother-in-law and his wife returned home from a camping trip and found the French doors had blown open and, in the moonlight, fourteen black hummingbirds roosted on their bed. They lifted each and put them out on the porch, without waking one. Neither is sure how they did this, since taking care, they asserted, was only the obvious part. This is a couple in their fifteenth year of marriage, his second, her first middle-agers and parents, lovers over the top, each time the only time. Their story asks: Isn't there always the sleep of fourteen hummingbirds in the marriage bed? Isn't that our dreaming, intimate life? Lisa and I bicker too much for some; for others, it's repartee. For me, it's a dialogue of parts, like echoes of a poorly lateralized brain. My glum czarina, my Hollywood assassin in Ray-Bans, who once claimed she could feel on her sex the whorls of myfingertipsthereshe stands

among the secrets, with an ice cream sandwich. As if she had never known me. As if we had never met Have we met? I may never get another chance to see her, or us, like this. I may never get another opportunity to turn from this place and steal away with some of the hummingbirds' inexplicable sleep.
So I do.

Donald Morrill's latest collection of essays is The impetuous Sleeper (Mid List Press). Other books include The Untouched Minutes, winner of the University of Nebraska Press' literary nonfiction prize, and a collection of poems, With My Back to Half the Day (Anhinga Press).

circling
continued from pg. 23
"Thank you," he says with the gentlest of smiles. For a single instant, all the millions of cells inside me come alive. When I meet the Iranian girl again, I think I've never seen a face so frozen, so dead, the color drained from her lips, her eyes an emptied blackness. Her white blouse is miss-buttoned, a slight yellow stain on the sleeve. On November 4,1979, the American Embassy in Tehran was seized by Iranian students who took 63 U.S. hostages and demanded the return of the Shah for trial in Iran. The reign of virtue is turning into a reign of terror. "Everyone I know is in danger," she says. "My family can never go back." "Do you want to?" someone asks. "You always want to go back," she says softly. "Even if you can no longer love it, it's your home, your past, the place that gave birth to your soul." I stare at her. Americans would never say such things. Americans seldom talk about the soul, the spirit, the raw and often conflicted longing for home. I shift away from the group and gaze out the window, wondering why it is so hard for me, wondering if art will be the way for me to see through to myself, to find my way back to a family who lives so fiercely inside my head. Whatever was birthed in Alabama got sidetracked, buried. I'm not ready to go back. Not even for Christmas. A month later I fly from Los Angeles to New York at Christmas break to see Nam June Paik play music at a club in Hell's Kitchen. Anti-music, I should say. Though I've been to many galleries in New York, I've never been to Hell's Kitchen and going there, I consider myself bold and independent, ignoring the nameless anxiety just beneath my skin. I leave Los Angeles on December 23, 1979, staying alone in a friend's apartment and roaming the streets of Manhattan during the day and early evening. On Christmas Eve, I take the subway to the Bowery, then waUc the cold, industrial streets, wind pushing through gaps in the buildings. I watch as a young man drags a Christmas tree along the dirty sidewalks, the top branches stiff with litter. It's freezing. I'm supposed to meet Nam June at a club where his band is playing, the performance starting at 11:00. It's only 10:00 and I'm out on the streets on Christmas Eve with nothing to do and nowhere to go. Icy wind blasts

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