the carillon

The University of Regina Students Newspaper since 1962

Mar. 7 - 13, 2013 | Volume 55, Issue 22 | carillonregina.com

cover
the staff
editor-in-chief dietrich neu carilloneic@gmail.com business manager shaadie musleh business@carillonregina.com production manager julia dima production@carillonregina.com copy editor michelle jones copyeditor@carillonregina.com news editor taouba khelifa carillonnewseditor@gmail.com a&c editor paul bogdan aandc@carillonregina.com sports editor autumn mcdowell sports@carillonregina.com op-ed editor edward dodd op-ed@carillonregina.com visual editor arthur ward graphics@carillonregina.com ad manager neil adams advertising@carillonregina.com technical coordinator jonathan hamelin technical@carillonregina.com news writer a&c writer sports writer photographers olivia mason tenielle bogdan kristen mcewen sophie long kyle leitch braden dupuis

The City of Regina has been on a relentless revitalization project for the past few years, in other words, screwing up everything. The latest project laden with controversy is the demolition and rebuilding of Connaught elementary school. Read about the plans on page 6. And you have a lovely day.

news

arts & culture

marc messett emily wright

contributors this week regan meloche joel blechinger jordan palmer michael chmielewski paige kreutzwieser kevin chow

the paper
THE CARILLON BOARD OF DIRECTORS

Dietrich Neu, Kent Peterson, Edward Dodd, Ed Kapp, Tim Jones, Madeline Kotzer, Anna Weber 227 Riddell Centre University of Regina - 3737 Wascana Parkway Regina, SK, Canada, S4S 0A2
www.carillonregina.com Ph: (306) 586-8867 Fax: (306) 586-7422 Printed by Transcontinental Publishing Inc., Saskatoon

Growing together. 4 Reginas Seedy Saturday brought together experts, gardeners, local business owners, and organizations, all looking forward to the start of spring and the planting season. Gardening is more than just growing food, its about growing a community.

Con-no more. 6 Continuing Regina's heritage of tearing down its heritage, the Board of Education voted to tear down and rebuild the 100 year old Connaught School despite outcry from the community.

sports

op-ed

The Carillon welcomes contributions to its pages. Correspondence can be mailed, e-mailed, or dropped off in person. Please include your name, address and telephone number on all letters to the editor. Only the authors name, title/position (if applicable) and city will be published. Names may be withheld upon request at the discretion of the Carillon. Letters should be no more then 350 words and may be edited for space, clarity, accuracy and vulgarity. The Carillon is a wholly autonomous organization with no afliation with the University of Regina Students Union. Opinions expressed in the pages of the Carillon are expressly those of the author and do not necessarily reect those of the Carillon Newspaper Inc. Opinions expressed in advertisements appearing in the Carillon are those of the advertisers and not necessarily of The Carillon Newspaper Inc. or its staff. The Carillon is published no less than 11 times each semester during the fall and winter semesters and periodically throughout the summer. The Carillon is published by The Carillon Newspaper Inc., a nonprot corporation. In keeping with our reckless, devil-may-care image, our ofce has absolutely no concrete information on the Carillons formative years readily available. What follows is the story thats been passed down from editor to editor for over forty years.

the manifesto

In the late 1950s, the University of Regina planned the construction of several new buildings on the campus grounds. One of these proposed buildings was a bell tower on the academic green. If you look out on the academic green today, the rst thing youll notice is that it has absolutely nothing resembling a bell tower. The University never got a bell tower, but what it did get was the Carillon, a newspaper that serves as a symbolic bell tower on campus, a loud and clear voice belonging to each and every student. Illegitimi non carborundum.

Ploffs. 12 Nearly all of our campus teams made it past the regular season and earned post-season berths this year. All except for one sport, in which neither the men's nor the women's team made the playoffs. I'm not going to name any names: volleyball.

photos
news Dietrich Neu a&c Paul Bogdan sports Emily Wright op-ed Edward Dodd cover Dietrich Neu

Hey, candidates! 17 With the URSU election underway, it might be good to reect on why students should be running for a position with URSU. The slate Students for Students seems to get that even though their name is terrible. No, wait, thats just a terrible name and I cant get over it. Anyway, heres some advice if youre a candidate.

news
dietrich neu
editor-in-chief University of Regina President, Vianne Timmons, has said that Barbara Pollock was absolutely not asked to resign, by university administration. Pollock, who served as the U of Rs vice-president of external relations for over a decade, surprisingly resigned last week to pursue other professional avenues. President Timmons has said that Pollocks position will not be filled. In the interim, Pollocks responsibilities will be redistributed among the staff and the remaining vice-presidents who will report directly to Timmons. The news comes after months of student groups and U of R faculty members raising concerns about bloated administrative costs in the face of a looming budget crunch. Admin salaries cost the U of R approximately $44 million in 2011 a statistic that has often overshadowed the provincial governments decision to slash millions from post-secondary budgets. I am waiting to see what the provincial budget is like, Timmons said. I have asked faculty to look into every single posi-

News Editor: Taouba Khelifa carillonnewseditor@gmail.com the carillon | mar. 7 - 13, 2013

Pollock not asked to resign

Controversy surrounding vice-presidents resignation
Sgrazzutti said. It looks good that the position isnt filled, it looks good that the administration didnt ask her to resign, but in the grand scheme of things this has no impact on the budget problems of this university. The real issue here is how much money we are spending on these raises, yearafter-year. The only reason Barb stepped down is as a PR move because theyre backed into a corner. President Timmons has denied accusations that Pollock was pressured in any way to resign, or that her resignation was related to the IPAC-CO2 controversy that made headlines several weeks ago. This was not a public relations move by any means, Timmons said. This is something that we will be doing all the time. When a position becomes vacant we will examine the position and see if we can distribute things differently. It is unfortunate when someone like Barb moves on that people characterize it in a way that doesnt honour the contributions that they have made to this institution.

tion very carefully that becomes vacant, and I am doing the same. Im going to take this as an opportunity to look into the entire external relations area and see if we are being as efcient as we can within it. Timmons noted that she didnt necessarily think there was fat to be trimmed in terms of administrative and faculty positions, but that the U of R simply has to take the opportunities to do what they can. Student-run organizations,

University of Regina

such as the University of Regina Students Union and CFS Saskatchewan, have hailed the decision as a victory for students across the province. Despite university statements to the contrary, many students across campus believe this was a calculated move to appease the masses. It is a huge win for us, said Nathan Sgrazzutti, URSU president. I think that the vice-presidents knew that someone was going to have to leave. The easiest way to do that, without stepping

on toes of course, was to look to the person who already has another path in life to travel down. Personally, I believe that Barb was the one who said, Maybe I should be the one that goes. But, I think that everyone knew that someone was going to have to leave. University administration began to receive tremendous pressure from student groups after CBC Saskatchewan made their salaries public on Dec. 10 of last year. Strategically, this move is smart,

Leading the way forward

Women taking more seats in politics
rikkeal bohmann
contributor South Korea began to break away at the gender gap in politics Monday, Feb. 25, when the country elected its first female president, Park Geun-hye. Park is the daughter of the countrys former military ruler, Park Chung-hee. The election, which was greeted with an unusually high voter turnout, granted Park a narrow victory against her liberal rival, makng her the eleventh president of the country. In her victory speech, Park addressed her goal of wanting to heal a divided society. Women earn nearly 40 per cent less than men in South Korea, according to the Organization of Economic Cooperation and Development, where South Korea is among the 26 member nations. Canada has only had one female Prime Minister, Kim Campbell, who was appointed to the position in 1993, replacing retired leader Brian Mulroney. Her run was short lived after she was defated in the Federal elections by Hedy Fry in the same year. In the 2011 federal election in Canada, a record 76 women were seated in Parliament, meaning that for the first time, women made up about one quarter of the House of Commons. Despite this, the ratio is under the 30 per cent mark that identies as having significant representation. Though Canada is increasing its female representation in politics, the country sits 52nd in the world for female representation in political ofce. According to the United Nations, the worldwide average of women make up only 19.5 per cent of all parliamentarians. From 1960 to 2009, about 71 women from 52 countries have been national leaders. Regina has had only one female mayor, Doreen Hamilton, in 1988. While she only served as interim mayor, Hamilton went on to become an MLA for the Regina Wascana Plains region. Ward 7 city councillor, Sharron Bryce, believes that while there has been progress, its still harder for women to get into politics. [For] a lot of women, their priorities are children, and raising children, and its been like that since the beginning of time, and its really hard to step away from that and have a career ... its just that we end up being the primary caregivers and that sometimes blocks us wanting to spend a lot of time away from the home. With something like city council, that takes up a lot of evenings and weekends with a lot of meetings. Bryce does see a bright future for women entering into politics though, as a slow but important change continues to move forward. First elected to City Council in 2003, Bryce says change is on its way. Women are out in the workforce, of course, and thats changing peoples outlook on women. When I was elected to city council, I was the only woman on council, but for the past couple of other terms, there has been one other woman. Bryce left off with some encouraging advice for women thinking of going into politics one day. If its something that interests them I think they should be the voice of the community and I think they should go for it. I really think we need more women in politics, and I think sometimes we bring a perspective that is fresh and not always thought about.

the Greek Foreign Ministry

Park Geun-hye, South Koreas 11th president

Women are out in the workforce, of course, and thats changing peoples outlook on women. When I was elected to city council, I was the only woman on council, but for the past couple of other terms, there has been one other woman.
Sharron Bryce

news

the carillon | mar. 7 - 13, 2013

Building communities one garden at a time

Reginas seedy Saturday brings together a wealth of knowledge and expertise
taouba khelifa
news editor While the weather outside might not really show it, spring is just around the corner, and with it comes the planting season. Last Saturday, Regina residents prepared for spring during the citys first Seedy Saturday event of the year. The event brings together gardening experts, local business owners, community groups, seed savers, and avid gardeners who come together to share and sell seeds and gardening essentials. One of these avid gardeners is University of Regina student Ruth Easton, who, along with her volunteer work at the community gardens in North Central, loves to garden herself. Ive always gardened. My granny gardened. My mother was a gardener, my parents both grew up on farms. It was part of my raising, that every spring we plant the vegetables, and every fall we harvested like mad. That was just growing up for me, she said. But gardening is not just for the experienced green thumb. As local business owner and sustainability educator Nikko Snyder explained, everyone needs to eat, and gardening is an easy way for people to learn how to grow their own food. Food is something that we all need, and its something that doesnt actually cost money. If you have a little bit of land and a ability, while producing high quality vegetables for a low cost. Last year, the project grew several pounds of fresh produce throughout the summer, and according to recent calculations based on current organic produce prices in Regina, the garden produced an estimated $1,189.85 worth of tomatoes and $1,554.49 worth of zucchini. Beyond just educational platforms for producing food however, gardens are also places for building communities. [Gardens] provide a space where people can talk...Were so focused on our individual world, but [gardens are] open spaces, where people can come together. It forces people to form a community and take care of each other, said Easton Rod McDonald, Regina writer of the Garden Report agrees. For him, gardening is not just a hobby, its a passion. And, according to McDonald, good gardeners love to share. [Its] a simple statement, but a true one. Good gardeners share their time, their experience, their plants, to a point where theres an old joke: you never ask a gardener how the garden is going if you have to be somewhere in the next hour or two, he said. As gardeners, we need to grow, no pun intended, and pass along to the new people our love for gardening and its many benets.

supply of water, you could really produce your own food, she said. In our culture, food is totally treated as a commodity its something that we have to purchase. A lot of really large companies control a majority of our food supply. So, I think its really empowering to be able to change that dynamic, and instead of relying on a corporation to provide us with something we need to live, to actually educate people to be able to do that for themselves is really empowering, and also an incredible way to build communities. Snyders business, Root and Branch, is one way Regina residents can learn about growing,

Taouba Khelifa

preparing, preserving, and sharing their own sustainably produced food. Rooted in a commitment to food security, sovereignty and justice for all, Root and Branch offers workshops and training sessions for anyone interested in growing an edible garden. Along with education and training, Easton suggested students volunteer in community run gardens, for a real hands-on learning experience. In the city, the North Central Community Association runs various open community gardens in North Central, where volunteers are invited to help maintain and

run the various plots of land. These gardens, vacant lots that have been transformed into green havens, have served as educational spaces where beginner and expert gardeners gather to learn from one another. On campus, the student-run Green Patch garden is also another opportunity for volunteers to get their hands dirty around food issues. Started in 2012 by the Regina Public Interest Research Group, the Green Patch is part of an initiative to transform the U of R into an edible campus, providing students and community members with a place to learn about food security and sustain-

The art of spells

U of S professor shares is knowledge about Zen, and its practice
kristen mcewen
news writer Contrary to popular belief, spells arent used to summon evil. In some religions, spells are used to ward off misfortune. Dr. George Keyworth of the University of Saskatchewan visited the U of R campus on Friday, March 1 to speak on Zen and the Art of Spells. Shay Semeniuk was one of the Japanese religion students who attended the lecture. While attending the lecture gave her a ve per cent advantage on her next quiz, she learned a lot about the origins of Zen, or Chan. Zen is the term used in Japan, while Chan is used in China. Chan is a form of Buddhism that began in sixth-century China. It eventually reached Japan in the seventh and eighth centuries, where it was called Zen. I guess theres a lot more to [Zen] than you think, she said. And how far it goes back and just how intricate everything is. When spells are used in Zen, they are used as a community, Keyworth noted. Spells are used to worship deities, prevent death, earthquakes, locusts, illnesses and many different demons. Keyworth also spoke about the differences in the pronunciations of spells between Japanese

Myongahn

and Chinese. It all has to do with poetry, he said. Its because the Zen tradition in China, in particular, Zen is the only religion that writes good poetry. So my advisors [in college] had me learning a lot of poetry. And eventually it kind of went into religious studies. Spells in the Japanese and Chinese Zen traditions come from poets. Its poets that do really inter-

Buddhist school of Zen uses spells as a way to ward off misfortune

esting things...But to have good poets you have to drink wine. You drink wine, you have hallucinations, and by the end of the evening thats where its really scary. So thats the connection, is that you see this on both sides of Japanese and Chinese Zen traditions. While an extra ve per cent is a good motivation to attend a lecture, the room was completely packed and the audience was in-

terested in what Keyworth had to say about Zen. The bottom line is that Westerners, for a long time, have had an interest in Zen, he said. Maybe its the philosophical side, maybe its the intonation, those kinds of things. Generally, you say the word Zen and you get 10 [peoples attention]. Keyworth said he tends to use the word Zen in lectures so more people will pay attention.

If Im talking explicitly about China, Ill still use the word Zen because Westerners hear the word Chan theyre like, I dont care, but if you throw in the word Zen. For example, I do Zen studies of China. Thats so strange.

the carillon | mar. 7 - 13, 2013

science and tech

An introduction to transhumanism
The idea of improving the human condition using technology raises important questions

collider.com

Transhumanist technologies can be found in many science ction stories, including RoboCop, Gattaca, Avatar, the Matrix, and Terminator-

regan meloche
contributor The quest to transcend the qualities that makes us human is as old as recorded history. Mythology is lled with examples of humans trying to set themselves apart from the rest of their species, whether it be through immortality, increased intellectual ability, possessing the philosopher's stone, or having supreme power by wearing a tiny gold ring. It is only in the past few decades that weve started seeing some actual scientic methods of improving nearly every aspect of the human condition. Welcome to transhumanism. Transhumanism is the idea that we may one day be able to transform ourselves into more powerful beings using technology, whether it is intellectually or physically. The futurist community is very divided on this issue. Some say that one day we may be able to scan our brain, copy our neural network onto a sophisticated silicon chip, and upload our mind, complete with our memories and personality, onto resilient robot bodies. The critics come from all angles. There are those who say that some of these technologies will never be possible and transhumanism is better off in the realm

of science ction. Many critics also oppose transhumanism on other grounds, such as economical, philosophical, or possibly out of a bias, to preserve the status quo. But, these criticizms have not stopped researchers from speculating various ideas behind transhumanism. One of the agship technologies of transhumanism is the already mentioned mind-uploading, which involves being able to copy a human brain down to the very last neuron and emulate it on some other platform, such as a computer processor. Being the most exciting idea behind transhumanism, it only makes sense that it would also be the hardest technology to master. Early experiments done on insects and mice were met with little success, but the field is still quite young. A related, but more realistic goal for these technologies, is being able to wire the brain to electronic devices so that, for example, someone who is paralyzed can control a robotic arm. Scientists at Duke University have recently been able to connect two rat brains to a computer. According to wired.com, research shows that signals from one rat's brain can help the second rat solve a problem it would otherwise have no clue how to solve. The head scientist behind this project,

Miguel Nicolelis, is hoping to be able to develop a robotic body that can be controlled by the mind of someone paralyzed. Adding on to the challenge, Nicolelis wants to master this technology by the 2014 World Cup in Brazil, where he is hoping to have a paralyzed athlete be able to walk onto the soccer pitch and kick a soccer ball using the robotic body. Any transhumanist goals that involve the human brain will require considerable advances in neuroscience, nanotechnology, and artificial intelligence, but what other ways are there to 'transcend' humanism? And, have we already reached the point where we could be considered transhuman? Transhumanism is a vague concept. It could involve increasing brainpower, strengthening physical abilities, improving basic senses and much more. With such a loose denition, anything from the use of steroids to any type of reconstructive surgery could be considered a form of transhumanism. The fact that someone wears contacts could even be considered as transhuman technology. Transhumanism challenges the very notion of what it means to be human. How many body parts and organs can be replaced until humans arent considered human anymore? Many critics might say

there should be some limits when it comes to altering human conditions. A common argument for transhumanism is that such technology should only be used to heal the sick or injured. This can imply a status quo bias, where the technology can only be used to try to bring humans up the norm and no further. Consider the opposite situation where some sort of accident can make someone smarter or stronger. Should technology be used to bring the person back down to the normal level? This would likely put Marvel Comics out of business, but it also highlights the problems with the idea that status quo is the best. It's one thing to alter a grown adults condition, but what about that of a fetus in the womb? Given the technology, should doctors be able to fix any predictable genetic defects in a baby? What if the baby is missing a nger, and transhumanist technology has the ability to modify their genes to add another nger? Or what about adding extra ngers on each hand, to help them lean into a professional pianist career in the future? This may seem unethical, but again, the question that comes up is that of the status quo bias. An economic argument related to this is that these 'designer babies' may only be open to those who can afford it. So the rich

could afford to make themselves stronger and smarter, creating more than just an economic gap between the classes. Critics warn that this could have some very dangerous implications, as it could cause transhumanism to run the risk of being comparable to eugenics, which is the science of improving humans through selective breeding. For everyone of the exciting transhumanism technologies, there tends to be at least one argument as to why it may be a bad idea. Lessons from fiction and mythology warn about opening Pandora's box, bringing re down to the humans, and flying too close to the sun. On the other hand, many philosophers consider it a responsibility to improve the human condition. It may not be within the next century, but the technology will one day be there to realize all of these far out ideas. The question that many have asked is not whether it is possible, rather it's a matter of how the technology is used. That, in itself, is something that science simply cannot answer. For more information, visit Humanity+, the leading authority on all things transhumanist.

Scientists at Duke University have recently been able to connect two rat brains to a com-

puter. According to wired.com, research shows that signals from one rat's brain can help the second rat solve a problem it would otherwise have no clue how to solve.
Regan Meloche

a&c

A&C Editor: Paul Bogdan aandc@carillonregina.com the carillon | mar. 7 - 13, 2013

Out with the old; in with the new

Decision to rebuild Reginas oldest school gets the go-ahead

Paul Bogdan

If they do tear the school down, can we at least get a Deep Dark Woods song out of it? not sure heritage renovation is possible. Echoing the words of those in the Connaught community, Beck wanted to know if contracting [an] engineer might be possible, someone with heritage experience a sober second thought in order to give us a chance to more clearly communicate the situation to our SCC and respond to some of the concerns that were brought up by the community. Board member Kathleen OReilly felt similarly to Beck and also spoke to tabling the motion at the meeting. I do not have sufcient information to make such an important decision. I dont know whether Connaught can be renovated ... I do know that we need a second opinion, said OReilly. Moreover, Beck noted the dismal track record Regina has in demonstrating tangible care for its historic buildings. Not everyone values historical buildings, and I think that in Regina we have a particularly poor reputation for caring for our built history, said Beck. Theres no value, dollar or otherwise, assigned to heritage retention. The yeasayers

paul bogdan
a & c editor A decision at the last Board of Education meeting on Feb. 26 has the parents and community members of cole Connaught Community School disquieted. At the meeting, the board voted in favour of demolishing and rebuilding the century-old school instead of renovating the building, with the engineering report stating it was cheaper to rebuild completely than renovate. Not all of the members were in agreeance however. At the meeting, board member Carla Beck spoke to tabling the motion until a later date. I do take, as part of this board, responsibility for the fact that I didnt know the aw in our process until it was too late. That had meant that the deadline had passed for presentation to the board level, although I do appreciate the provisions made for both delegations to speak to the board tonight. As I already noted, my main concern with this motion is the process leading up to it, said Beck. I think that the Connaught SCC [School Community Council] had a very valid suggestion that timelines for decisions and input opportunities be provided to them in advance. I think that this was a reasonable request, and in fact something I would like to see added to all of the boards consultations with SCCs in the future. Even though Beck wanted the motion tabled, she was still unsure as to whether renovating the school was feasible and told the board, I must be clear that Im

for the board because we are able to advance and make recommendations to the Ministry for three new schools in the city of Regina, so thats something that any school board would celebrate, that we get to make those recommendations to the Ministry, said Gagne. Gagne also felt that sufcient consultation with the community had been achieved despite complaints from the Connaught community. We went through a standard process which we have done with every one of our school builds. The community was consulted three, four times in this process. We had many, many pages of community input as we looked through the report that we received, and so I feel that we did consult, and we did hear from the community, said Gagne. Can it be saved?

geous. How come theyre not down between ten and 15 per cent on the whole thing? If you know the building style and the building construction, then you can properly estimate what the costs are. If you dont understand what the building construction or are not familiar with historic buildings, then youre going to put a huge markup because you have no idea, said Botkin. Botkin also questioned the rationale behind mandatory relocation for the students during the potential renovations, a point which was raised by members of the Board of Education, saying that the renovations could be phased, and as long as the areas were secured, students would not have to be relocated. The next step

Unfortunately for Connaught, the other members didnt feel the same way, and the motion to table the decision was defeated. The decision to demolish and rebuild Connaught subsequently passed with Beck and OReilly being the only votes against the decision. Obviously, not all of the board members felt the same way as Beck and OReilly. Board chairperson Katherine Gagne said she was pleased with the boards decision. Its sort of an exciting night

While the reality of saving Connaught given its current condition has been called into question even by those who wanted more time to deliberate the decision, historic building conservation expert June Botkin nevertheless believes the building can absolutely be conserved. She also called into question the assessment given to the school and stressed the need for a second opinion on the building from someone who specializes in the conservation of historic and heritage architecture. Their numbers dont make sense. Theyve got a 25 per cent contingency markup on the foundation, and they add another ten per cent, so theyve got 35 per cent markup ... 35 per cent is outra-

Notwithstanding the boards decision, the Connaught community isnt giving up hope yet. It looks like people dont want to back down; they want to take it to the province, which is a good strategy take it to the next level, cause if thats the constraint, then thats where the powers gotta go. People wanna take back their school and their community, and they seem pretty red up. Its not over, said community member Trish Elliott, who spoke to the board on behalf of the community at the Feb. 26 meeting. The Board of Educations decision was disheartening for the community, but Elliott was not surprised with the way the vote went. I think people get a bit invested in the system. Kathleen

[OReilly] and Carla [Beck] know the community more, so they would know, they would be very well aware of what theyd be touching off with that decision whereas the others perhaps not, said Elliott. Elliott also believes taking this issue to the province will have substantial weight with the strong support from the surrounding community. We feel that this could be precedent setting if we have a province that will not fund renovation even when communities are willing to put in the money and partner on it, and that was one of the questions that people were asking: if were willing to raise the money, why wont they work with us? And as Elliott mentioned previously, the community isnt backing down. On March 3, a meeting was held and the organization dubbed Save Our Connaught was formed to ght the decision. The group is actively looking into seeking a formal second opinion on the building with detailed unit costs based on a full investigation into the structure, rather than the broad estimates that were placed before the Regina Board of Education, a post on the groups website read. Theres a really strong community here that doesnt want to take this, said Elliott. Despite the gravity the Board of Educations decision may carry regarding the future of cole Connaught Community School, Elliott and the community arent giving up hope yet. Stay tuned. It doesnt look like its nished.

the carillon | mar. 7 - 13, 2013

a&c

Nostalgia Critic Retires

Thanks for the lulz
im not angry
kyle leitch
arts writer Since the film department here doesnt really believe in mid-term exams, its given me a lot of time to catch up on the internet. Rather than getting pissed off at online gamers, stupid videos, racist message boards, and undeservingly famous hacks (but believe me, it wouldnt be hard to do), I think that its time I delivered a long overdue eulogy for one great reviewer. Ill go back to being angry soon, I promise. But for now, I need to make things right by me. It all started with a job at Circuit City. Well, more specifically, termination from a job at Circuit City. Mike Michaud had a decision to make; he could keep working part-time jobs, or do something he loved. The website Channel Awesome was started in 2008 by Michaud and other Circuit City alumnus. Michaud has since stated in interviews that, If we didn't lose our jobs, [the business] wouldn't have happened anytime soon. Now, Doug Walkers rst appearance was on YouTube in 2007. The rst video Walker posted was a review for Michael Bays Transformers movie, which had recently hit theatres. The review was simple: Walker in a poorly lit room with one camera, rapid-repic, To Boldly Flee, which I actually sort of got to review this year. In the film, the Nostalgia Critic sacrices himself to save the very fabric of reviewing. This led to much fan speculation about the end of the Nostalgia Critic series. In a separate video post, Doug Walker did, in fact, say that the Nostalgia Critic character was being retired, as he and his brother felt that the series had run its natural course. Walker was very careful to say that the Critic wasnt being killed off and would make occasional appearances in other specials. On Jan. 22, 2013, a new video titled The Review Must Go On, appeared on the site. It announced the triumphant return of the Nostalgia Critic, who released his first new review in months on Feb. 5. So, in many ways, this eulogy isnt really overdue, but premature. Regardless, Id still like to take this opportunity to say thank you in a public forum. Doug Walkers Nostalgia Critic made it acceptable to be an angry nerdy social outcast. His hatred for things that peoples childhoods wouldnt let go of made the internet a better place for people like me to be. Will he ever read this? Doubtful. But all the same: thank you Doug Walker. You would have been missed. Im not angry. I myself was just feeling, well, a little nostalgic.

nextupmovies.blogspot.ca

This was also my reaction to The Last Exorcism Part II

ing a synopsis and the occasional criticism of the lm before passing out from the strain. The video was rough around the edges, and follow-up videos were sporadic. Though of course, with anything even remotely popular, when there was even a whiff of copyright infringement, movie studios had Walkers subsequent reviews removed almost immediately after their publication. Walker and his brother Rob founded the site, That Guy with the Glasses (TGWTG) in partnership with the Channel Awesome

(see? That bit was relevant.), and Walkers new Nostalgia Critic reviews were produced exclusively on the site from then on. The videos featured Walker as the Nostalgia Critic reviewing videos, cartoons, commercials, and other media primarily from the 80s and 90s. The Nostalgia Critic was an insulting, sarcastic, foul-mouthed critic raised by pop culture. The episodes usually focused on the Critic watching the lm and picking apart all the flaws with it while also constantly insulting the lm's creators, the lm itself, and

the audience. The formula occasionally changed (top 11 videos, old vs. new, and crossover reviews), but the formula always remained the same pure, unadulterated vitriol. By 2012, the Nostalgia Critic reviews saw between 100,000 and 300,000 views per episode, and TGWTG had over one million unique views a month. Once a year, That Guy with the Glasses hosted an anniversary special, by way of a feature-length film. In 2012, TGWTG released their three-hour science-fiction

movie reviews
The Last Exorcism Part II
Ed Gass-Donnelly Ashley Bell, Julia Garner
It has always been my belief that neither the word last nor any of its derivatives should ever appear in a movie title. Ever. Putting last in your lm title invites sequel opportunities, which makes the title oxymoronic at best and laughable to the point of asphyxiation at the absolute worst. Case in point: The Last Exorcism Part II. Ashley Bell reprises her role as girl-next-door-contortionist-occasional-target-of-demonic-possession, Nell Sweetzer. Shes trying to rebuild her life months after the events of the rst lm. Blessedly, it isnt shot in the found-footage format of its predecessor, but is a classical narrative, in the loosest sense of the term. Nell cant really remember the exorcism-cum-slaughter that occurred a couple of months ago and has moved away from Ivanwood. But, that tricky devil didnt get the memo, and soon, Nell is playing one-person Twister with the best of them. From beginning to end, this lm is just a disaster. In no particular order, a dude slits his own throat, a father tries to kill his daughter, people who clearly died in the rst movie are inexplicably brought back to life, a dozen people fall into full-body seizures, a house full of girls get burned alive, and someone literally rides off into the sunset. Trying to keep track of this lms frenetic pace is headache inducing, and trying to

make sense of what you watched is just bloody well impossible. I tried really hard to like this movie. Im a fan of Eli Roths work, and Im always game for a good demonic possession flick. The problem is that its so fundamentally wrong. I dont even know who I could recommend this movie to I have no idea who this movie is being marketed to. Fans of gratuitous amounts of violence, demonic possession, or the masochistic fetish that you must have to put yourself through the torture of going to see this lm in the theatre are all guaranteed to be nothing less than in a murderous fury by the time the credits roll. If getting that angry about stupid shit is your idea of a good time, then skip the movie; were hanging out, instead.

Kyle Leitch

kyle leitch
a & c writer

a&c
Door, The Seeds, the yearning lap steel instrumental High and Lonesome, and the laid-back keyboard jam Bird Song. But, those who pine for The Mens more aggressive incarnations can head-bang to the kinetic energy of The Brass, Electric and the chaotic guitar workout Supermoon. New Moon is a skillful and rewarding balance of both of the bands tendencies - well-worn melody and no-input harsh noise. Given The Mens pace and general abandon, even if one is dissatisfied with New Moon, you will likely only have to wait another year or so for another fulllength from the band, and luckily for them, the next LP is already nished. But, all that is not to say theres not plenty to enjoy about New Moon.

the carillon | mar. 7 - 13, 2013

music reviews
delic, expansive effort that updates TYoHs production values while sacricing little of its accessible knack for melody. Simply put, the second track Mute is anthemic and announces Powers scope of vision. The drums TYoHs main weakness pop, and TIE-ghteresque noises squeal and pan across the aural eld, and a powerfully simple guitar coda rides the six-minute track out to a memorable close. Dropla successfully integrates acoustic instrumentation, featuring a looping acoustic guitar line throughout. Raspberry Cane, another instant standout, is essentially Powers clinic in writing melody lines; at least four moments brought enormous grins to my face at the sheer melodic inventiveness of the track. Wondrous Bughouse is a beautiful, bafingly imaginative indie-pop record-an immersive sound world that revels in the inherent aural pleasure of melody and finely crafted detail. Its also an enormous step forward for Powers. Wondrous Bughouse deserves the expanded listenership that it will undoubtedly attract.

Brooklyns favourite noise-rock/postpunk/rock band, The Men, can be best summarized by the descriptor workmanlike. This is their fourth full-length since 2010, but it is likely to be (and, from what Ive gauged across the internet, is) their most divisive release yet. This is The Mens folk-rock record, wherein, in true pastoral tradition, the boys decamped to Big Indian, NY to turn off iPhones, soul-search, play campre guitar, engage in Neil Young idol worship, and incorporate four-part harmonies, mandolin, lap steel, piano, and harmonica into their palette not exactly what the average noise-rock band decides to do to for LP number four. Full disclosure here: I just spent the weekend downloading and listening to 70s Neil Young & Crazy Horse bootlegs, so perhaps Im in the demographic predisposed to adore this record, but, in my estimation, New Moon manages to satisfy the discerning rockists varied tastes. The album has a folksier flair, such as opener Open the

The Men New Moon Sacred Bones

joel blechinger
contributor

Idahoan Trevor Powers released his debut album as Youth Lagoon, The Year of Hibernation, in the fall of 2011, in the waning days of the online press obsession with all things lo-. As such, like others, I imagine, I was considerably skeptical of the 22-year-olds humble piano compositions swathed in a layer of fuzz as du jour aesthetic opportunism. Where Powers pleasantly surprised me though was in his facility for arrangements. TYoHs best tracks Cannons, or July, for example would start simply with Powers voice and keyboard figures before expanding outward in scope into beautifully plotted and often sing-along pre-choruses, choruses, and bridges. Albeit lo-, the arrangements revealed that there was more thought put into the music than say your average Wavves. Two years later, on Wondrous Bughouse, Powers has taken his deft skill at arrangement and injected it with a bigger budget and the various production talents of Ben Allen (Cee-Lo Green, Animal Collective, Deerhunter). The sophomore release is a more psyche-

Youth Lagoon Wondrous Bughouse Fat Possum

joel blechinger
contributor

Sex advice from your favourite pop stars

Five song lyrics thatll have you and your partner shaking all night long
viv steele
The Other Press NEW WESTMINSTER (CUP) Where did you learn about sex? Probably from a 40-something educator in a mayonnaise-coloured high school classroom, and your instruction probably included a diagram of the uterus and a shapeless wooden penis upon which to roll a condom. So where are you supposed to go to learn about good sex? Never fear, I've got you covered, with ve hot and juicy sex tips from five of your favourite pop stars. Touch me and gimme that rush, better pack a toothbrush, gonna pull an all-nighter. Ke$ha cording to Brown and Khia, is to involve some ass play. Lick your ass delirious, my tongue game so damn serious. Serious it is. Promoting enthusiasm, dedication and a willingness to try new things, Danny Browns lyrics contain several tips that are crucial to providing a satisfying cunnilingus experience. Striptease for me baby. Hawksley Workman

At rst listen, the track Cmon by Ke$ha seems like a simple song about hooking up, but going deeper, its actually a well-written ode to preparation and oral hygiene on-the-go. The sassy, prosex songstress likes to get a little crazy, but Cmon contains some super-positive messages about taking control of your sexuality, like the chorus that states, Were both going home satisfied. Ke$has getting her orgasm whether she has to stay up all night or not. And afterwards, shell brush her teeth and go home.

stintheair.com

I havent heard such great advice since the last time I read one of my own articles. Pony by Ginuwine is an oldie but a goodie, a danceable treatise on grindalicious -ontop action. Above all, the song promotes teamwork, weaving a sophisticated metaphor where hes the horse and shes the jockey and theyre bolting for the nish line together. The focus on compatibility is key, because as we all know, sometimes things just dont click. Ginuwine also promotes foreplay: You and your body,

Gotta be Ginuwine

God, I hate Kesha.

compatible.

every single portion. Yum not to mention the song is incredible to fuck to. Lick my pussy and my crack. Khia

rection: Then you roll your tongue from the crack back to the front, then suck it off til I shake and cum. Noted. You looking for a real pussy eater? I can be it. Danny Brown

Another classic R&B raunch track coming to you from 2002, Khias My Neck, My Back (Lick It) really drives the point home. She wants you to lick her pussy and her crack, and shes not afraid to say it about 21 times. The real meat of this song is in the chorus, but in the first verse she makes sure to provide some specic di-

If Khias modus operandi is to tell you what she wants, newcomer Danny Browns I Will provides even more details on how to get her there. Browns track promotes utter abandon. I go dumb and ignorant when Im on that clitoris, says Brown. The key, ac-

Pouty Canadian bad boy Hawksley Workmans rock and roll entry on my list may seem a little tame compared to the R&B onslaught of sex, but maybe its a good idea to calm you all down. And the song Strip Tease does offer some excellent advice, although its mostly contained in the chorus. Workman wants his girlfriend to striptease for him, which I think is a sentiment that a lot of folks can agree with. When youre practicing to striptease for your partner, keep in mind that this song by Workman is an excellent jam to take your clothes off to. Actually, any of the songs on this list will do. Are you sensing a theme here? Good sex. Its equal parts compatibility, preparedness and reckless abandon. And for the love of God, eat pussy.

the carillon | mar. 7 - 13, 2013

a&c

ARTS ROUNDTBLE
paul bogdan, dietrich neu, kyle leitch
clearly disillusioned with the city 1. What do you think of the decision to tear down Connaught School PB: The real tragedy is that we havent decided to tear all of Regina down yet. on arts events is done by a minority of the people in Regina. The people who enjoy the arts tend to go to these events all the time, but I seem to know more people who never go. KL: Absolutely. I imagine live arts cost more here, but thats beside the point. Now, if only Brad Wall would realize that, wed be set.

KL: I think that its kind of a sad statement about how the city regards heritage sites. 2. What comes to mind when you think of Reginas heritage?

DN: This sounds terrible, but my rst reaction was to make fun of my friends who went there. Hear me out I went to Davin, just down the street from Connaught. We didnt like them, and they didnt like us. Looks like we win, motha fuckas.

PB: Hopefully dire enough that I get to light something on fire. Preferably people.

4. How dire do you think the upcoming provincial budget will be in regards to PSE?

cndncetcouetayhweuea atnfdra stdniat enn dn aae aj kf mss t udr rht i cacmhenstoaoeannaswhye ohavetsomethingn nvl ec t trt t i hehahre complain t wee s l ispeo or aa oo i tns o i na c dnci l p ikeabout?ti ssewsdagpnhtnespfsastr pre eegu-elcuecuahne kedmboaattrbnr ng ua ayo ayl t iao aeot wi n n l a t a a rlki c e s tehsrtuiforsghsameetingsyvyu ass td ceasues os hhelda epewritehbus? pitchs e oiet htoehlw g o vewpsamteafdrcoctdn o a thsshtyuachw eetnfuet cnnoteigy rnairnponmu ilitic ilopkndnga o ps kt an i o li a s asahwns dn canahe csn tkt eaa t et ot m as ko g t u s i e lj snvaecuteeeepeetchdgpr aocylnn t tnsayw tcenter.a mdnoo w rta227,hes nagt e t t noon, i sl sieaa re il ei di roomko pl h Monday at n r rht ecriddell ya caaatnes ngasnsroebot aiai uecshnate m au pncoarrpyfetvsatduebg ur nuoa ar nssocel s te ketsu eth e h i s ha ab i w ie pd a et l h c ti r

PB: Neglect and crumbling infrastructure. Also a rad but often overlooked arts scene. DN: Nothing. KL: A rich history of bulldozing and spending unnecessarily. 3. Do you think the findings that Saskatchewanians spend more per capita on live art events than anywhere else in Canada reflective of the overarching attitude towards the arts in this province? PB: I think the numbers are a bit misleading. I feel like the people who care about the arts in this province are a minority (although still a signicant number of people), but I still think the majority doesnt really give a shit.

DN: I think the fate of post-secondary education has been sealed for a long time now. Millions of dollars are getting cut. The University of Regina will probably be hit pretty hard, but the University of Saskatchewan is going to get crushed. This is going to be a shitty budget year all around. KL: Like any rational human, I think were all fucked, and we should immediately start panicking. 5. Drawing towards the end of the year, have you attended any campus arts events? What was the best thing this year?

PB: Yes. The Fifth Parallel always has some cool installations and exhibits, but I think Rah Rahs sets during Welcome Week take the cake on this one. DN: Im only qualied to answer this question if living in the Carillon office counts as attending a campus arts event.

KL: Does the Imaginus poster sale count? If not, then no.

DN: No. Although the average is $51 per person, I think that the majority of the total money spent

sports
ROUNDTABLE
Let the madness begin

Sports Editor: Autumn McDowell sports@carillonregina.com the carillon | mar. 7 - 13, 2013

photoblog.statesman.com

We need giant player head signs at the CIS championships next weekend.

braden dupuis, paige kreutzwieser, autumn mcdowell

this weeks roundtable With so many more campus teams reaching the playoffs this year, which Cougars team would you deem the most improved?

Dupuis: I believe that honours gotta go to the mens hockey team, who not only improved on last season, but nished with their best record in years. Having TJ behind the bench provided a muchneeded spark, and hopefully the program can build on this success moving forward.

Kreutzwiser: So they are not really seen as a team per se (even though they should be, because if youve ever watched Bring It On youd get how competitive that shit is) but the Cheerleading team is most improved for sure. They got a picture with Mr. Wall thats cool, right?

Kreutzwiser: Black Mamba always comes through, unlike Kevin Martins team this year.

Dupuis: Kobe Bryant and Steve Nash star in this years must-see buddy-comedy event, Black Mamba, White Pygmy. When miniscule Canadian Nash signs with Kobe and the Lakers, theyre thought to be instant contenders until the unthinkable happens! Theyre disappointingly average, and they miss the playoffs. Wow. That was uninspired. Whatever, OK? Im tired.

As of press time, the Los Angeles Lakers are currently two points back of the nal playoff spot. Do you think they will make the playoffs this year?

to their defensive line?

McDowell: Well, lets put it this way. Last year, when I did a playoff roundup for the Cougars teams, my hook was Wow, we suck at making the playoffs. That was because we literally only had one Cougars team make the playoffs, but this year its much different. Anyway, having said all of that pointless information, my choice is the mens team for making the playoffs for the rst time since 2008-09.

McDowell: God I hope so. Its going to be rather embarrassing if they dont make the playoffs after bringing Nash and D12 in this year in an attempt to construct a super team whose sole purpose was to combat Miamis super team. The Lakers are on the verge of a fail. Having said all that, I do think that they will make the playoffs. In typical fashion, it will be down to the wire and Kobe will sink a buzzer beater to win and move onto the playoffs. Dammit hes clutch. What do you think about the Saskatchewan Roughriders adding the 2012 Grey Cups Most Valuable Canadian, Ricky Foley,

McDowell: I like it. I like it a lot. Not so much that I would run out and purchase his jersey, but Im really happy that the Riders are making an effort to put together a good team so that we can potentially win at home. Just think of the parties, people. In other random news, I recently purchased a vintage Riders shirt from when they hosted the Grey Cup in 1995 at Value Village. Its like nding gold. Seriously, not one stain on it, surprisingly. Its that time of the year again.

Kreutzwiser: Football? Psh, lets talk about how Kevin Martins team is kind of shitting the bed in the Brier.

Dupuis: This is a pretty huge signing, and its obviously not the rst made by Riders management this off-season. Its nice to see that theyre serious about challenging for the Grey Cup on home turf. Now I just need to lock down a media pass and Im set, because God knows I cant afford to pay my own way.

Dupuis: Heres a recipe for March Madness: one job, five classes, two-dozen deadlines, a bone-dry bank account and a consistent, nagging neck-injury. If I dont have time to call my own mother on her birthday, I doubt Ill nd time to watch American college basketball. Editors note: You have two cheques in the ofce, Braden.

How much of NCAAs March Madness will you be watching this year?

rently ranked 1st in the Eastern Conference. How long do you think they will stay at the top?

McDowell: Ill watch the final four, but probably not much more than that I reckon. March Madness is just another opportunity for the US to show how much better their basketball, facilities and fans are, and the fact that I cant even argue against their supremeness really bothers me. Im seeing red right now. The Montreal Canadiens are cur-

Kreutzwiser: Going to set up my bracket right away, if only school would just back off. I have to PVR the Brier because of school overload. Dammit school, always getting in the way of everything.

Dupuis: Asking me anything about my Habs is a dangerous game. I could ll this section and then some with my drunken ramblings concerning the highs and lows of Les Glorieux, but Ill be brief. Their insta-turnaround this year has been surprising, but not undeserved. They wont nish the season on top, but theyll make the playoffs. Then the drive for 25 begins in earnest. #raisethetorch. Kreutzwiser: Till they finish. Oooo! Wait, is that too raunchy to put in a newspaper? Or am I the only one who had their mind in the gutter for this question? McDowell: Like, when the hell did this happen, seriously? They buy out Gomez and then, boom, theyre at the top. If Montreal had known that all it would take to actually win games was to get rid of that cancer, they would have done it a long time ago.

the carillon | mar. 7 - 13, 2013

sports 11

Rock on Cougars
U of R curling teams have a bright future
paige kreutzwieser
contributor This years curling season is finally wrapping up. With the Scotties already over, the Brier already underway, and Worlds ending the season off in April, we see yet another season come to a conclusion. But spring is almost here something everyone that lives here should be excited about. Sadly, for the University of Reginas curling teams, the season ended during the Canada West playdowns, which were held in Edmonton from Feb 14-17. A rather heartbreaking way to spend the weekend after Valentines Day, if you ask me. However, both teams came home smiling. For the mens team it was an exciting opportunity, seeing as they had only ever played one game prior together as a team, the U of R qualifying spiel, where many of them met for the rst time. For the womens, it was a great opportunity to learn and to get the chance to finally compete against different teams. The womens team, skipped by Lorraine Schneider, has been together for two years and is extremely competitive in the Saskatchewan Junior league. For years they have been playing But, going to Westerns for a second year was an added goal for the team after they unfortunately lost in the semi-finals at provincials. However, looking into the future, Schneider hopes they can claim the spot as the U of R team for a third consecutive year next year. It would mean a berth straight to Nationals because Regina is hosting the competition next year, and the city that hosts gets a spot for their university team. And, surely, these girls have paid their dues. As for the men, it is hard to say where their future plans will take them as a team. Schneider hopes that the crowd attendance for Nationals next year will be fairly decent. It would be very exciting to play in front of a big turnout, she said. So, pencil it in now: March 2014, here in Regina, university curling Nationals.

cache.gawker.com

Where can I get me some of those?

against many of the same teams around the province. To be able to play against some new competition at Westerns was like a breath of fresh air. Its so nice to play teams that are from out of the province, Schneider said. We play every team three or four times a year in the same competition for juniors, so it was nice to go out there and to not have those huge rivalries against the teams. Rounding out the womens

team is Callan Hamon at third, Tessa Vibe at second, and Ashley Desjardins at lead. Schneider, Vibe, and Desjardins have been curling together for five years now, while Hamon has been a part of the squad for the past two. Although they have a lot of experience together, the team is still fairly young one of the youngest to compete at Westerns. Its so different [from juniors] and it is such a good experience, Schneider said. We just had so

much fun and we learned a lot. The ladies nished with a 2-3 record, and the men 2-4. Both teams were only a couple of wins shy from heading on to Nationals. We had some really good games and some others ones we shouldve won, Schneider said. They have so much experience and totally different playing styles than we are used to. Its just fun. The main goal for the Schneider rink going into the season was to win Junior provincials.

U of S grads strike gold with silver

All natural product deodorizes hockey equipment - Thank the lord.
Anna-Lilja Dawson
SASKATOON (CUP) Since graduating, two former University of Saskatchewan business students have been on a mission to nd a solution to one of Canadas most pressing issues the smell of dirty hockey equipment. Dan Robinson and Chad Fischl, co-founders and CEOs of Shutout Solutions, came up with the idea for a deodorant spray for your hockey or gym bag while taking an entrepreneurial class at the U of S. Today, less than a decade later, the product is being sold across the country. We didnt know what it was going to be, Robinson said. We just knew it was going to be something in a bottle that worked to get the smell out of hockey equipment. The two students asked members of the universitys health sciences department why hockey equipment tends to stink so much and why many cleaning products cant get rid of the smell. They were told that bacteria living in the equipment causes odour and antibacterial cleaners are the only way to deal with it. Most products either mask the smell with a fragrance or use heavy chemicals that are harmful The Sheaf (University Saskatchewan) of ing with the universitys French department to translate Shutouts packaging so it can be sold in Quebec. Anytime weve approached the universityusually professors and almost anybody you approach is interested in collaborating with a company that wants to do something and involve students, Robinson said. Since their first line was released, Shutout has expanded to 26 products, most of them industrial cleaners like degreasers and mopping solutions that they are marketing to mining companies and hotel chains. Health and safety has become a large commitment for many companies in the last ve years, Robinson said. He believes that people now see how hazardous some industrial cleaners and sprays can be. Robinson said that while Shutout will continue selling its retail products, its main focus has shifted to engaging industries, like the mining and oil companies that are moving into Southern Saskatchewan, that want cleaners that are safe to use. Were still fairly new and weve got to be going after those customers that are going to give us growth and give our company strength.

nickdoeshockey.com

to the skin. The goal for Robinson and Fischl was to design a product that was all natural, that was safe and that actually worked. We searched for a natural antibacterial and found silver. We found that nobody was really doing it in a product like that and really there were barely any products out there that [used] silver, Robinson said. While researching for the assignment, Robinson and Fischl came across a company working at Pohang University of Science and Technology in Pohang, South

I bet that room just reeks.

Korea that was developing silver for commercial use as an antibacterial. At the time, the company had worked on a small line of personal care products that included facial soap, makeup remover and antibacterial mascara. This technology uses a specic amount of silver nanoparticles of a particular size and creates a solution that stops the particles from settling out or sticking to the sides of the container. It does this all without using any chemicals. Fischl and Robinson made a deal with the South Korean com-

pany that allows the two businesses to work together exclusively for ve years. Shutout went on to patent the silver process as SilverSync+ Technology. The young entrepreneurs came back to the U of S to test their rst line of products, which included body wash, athletic equipment spray and laundry detergent. The Canadian Light Source confirmed that silver is both in the products and properly distributed throughout the solutions. Currently Robinson is work-

12 sports

the carillon | mar. 7 - 13, 2013

Playoff roundup
Cougars teams shine in playoff action

Emily Wright

autumn mcdowell
sports editor Womens basketball

Already earning the title of the University of Reginas most successful team this season, the womens basketball team took home the Canada West Championship last weekend after beating the defending champions, the Calgary Dinos, 53-37. The road to the Canada West gold medal game was relatively smooth for the Cougars this year, who registered back-to-back wins against Victoria in the Canada West Quarternals and took out Fraser Valley 84-77 in the semi-nals before their showdown with the Dinos in the championship game, something that the highly touted team missed out on last season. While sporting a 19-3 record throughout 2012-13, despite the impressive statistics, many Cougars fans were shocked at the amount of losses the team had this season considering they went undefeated throughout 2011-12. However, with the undefeated record came a lot of pressure, which ultimately got the best of the Cougars last year, something that they have so far been able to avoid in 2013. The Cougars will have one week off to prepare for the CIS

Mens hockey

Championships, which will be hosted at the University of Reginas Centre for Kinesiology, Health and Sport from March 1517.

After making the playoffs for the rst time since 2008-09, the mens hockey team could very well win the award for most improved campus squad this year. The Cougars had a complete turnaround since last season, where they had a mere ve wins in a 28 game season, led by a coach on the last leg of his contract. Compare that to the teams performance this year, led under the direction of rookie head coach Todd Johnson, the team registered 13 conference wins, had multiple players set new career highs, and an appearance in the post season. Despite their drastic improvements, the Cougars were eliminated in the Canada West quarternals after suffering backto-back losses at the hands of the Manitoba Bison. Although the team will lose both skill and leadership with the graduation of Russ Nielsen, they will surely be playoff contenders again next season. Womens hockey Similar to the men, the womens hockey team also experienced a

drastic turnaround this year, which was highlighted by a new school record, a second place nish and a playoff appearance. With their 18 conference wins this season, not only did the Cougars better their previous season by 11 wins, they also set a new school record for most conference wins in a single season. After earning a second-place nish in the Canada West regular season standings, the Cougars were awarded a rst round playoff bye for their efforts and had a well-deserved break before taking on the UBC Thunderbirds at home in semi-final action. T h e Cougars took game one by a narrow 2-1 margin on Friday, only to lose a marathon 94 minute game the next night. The game went to triple overtime and will go down as the second longest game in Canada West history. The team was clearly exhausted in their third game of the series which was played just 12 hours later, and the Cougars had no gas left in the tank and dropped game three 7-1. The Cougars will lose four core fth-year players to graduation this season as Gina Campbell, Hilary Lerat, Paige Wheeler, and Rianne Wight have all played their nal games in Cougars uniforms. Wrestling While neither the womens or the

Jarrett Crowe

mens team were able to secure team titles this year, the Cougars roster did post individual champions. The men were unable to capture the Canada West team title for the third year in a row, but did receive a bronze medal for their efforts. The womens team also nished third in Canada West, an improvement on their fth-place nish last season. The meet was highlighted with rst place performances by fifth-year Steve Schneider, who took home his fourth consecutive gold medal, fourth-year Lisa McKibben, who earned her second Canada West title and rookie Golden Musonza, who collected gold at his first Canada West championships. McKibben was able to replicate her strong performance at the CIS championships last weekend to earn her rst CIS gold, while Schneider who had dedicated all of his matches to his father on his birthday also nished at the top of the podium for the second time in his career. Track and Field The track and field team had home advantage at the Canada West championships on Feb. 22, and their familiarity with the course was obvious. The women placed fifth and the men finished second in the

team standings thanks to a double-gold medal performance from third-year jumper Lex Ewen and single gold medal performances from fourth-year Jeremy Eckert in high jump, third-year Matt Johnson in the 1500 metre and fifth-year Kelly Wiebe in the 3000m obviously. In addition to the countless Cougars who took home medals, three members were also recognized by Canada West for receiving major conference honors. Wiebe brought home the award for Outstanding Male Performance at the meet, secondyear Ian McLellan was recognized for the Male Student-Athlete and Community Service award, and Ewen also earned the award for Male Field Athlete of the Year. Ewen then went on to pull a Kanye during his infamous acceptance speech, reiterating that Beyonce had one of the best videos of all times before walking off the stage. The track and eld team will be the only Cougars team in action this weekend as the team travels to Edmonton for the CIS championships.

Arthur Ward

Jarrett Crowe

the carillon | mar. 7 - 13, 2013

sports 13

This and that

It wouldnt be the NHL without a little controversy
what the puck?
autumn mcdowell
sports editor Even in their shortened season, the National Hockey League has been home to its fair share of controversy and excitement. From onice stabbings to dramatic team turnarounds, just about the only consistent thing about this season is that the Flames still suck. One of the biggest controversies to stem from this season was when Ottawa Senators defenceman Erik Karlsson took a skate to the back of the leg during a battle along the boards and suffered a severed Achilles tendon that required surgery. While in most seasons this injury would be seen purely as gruesome and disturbing, due almost entirely to the fact that the slicing skate belonged to Pittsburgh Penguins forward Matt Cooke, this play was deemed much more than a freak accident. Now I am well aware that the news of modern day goon, Cooke, becoming the rst person in the NHL to take his skate and stab someone with it is relatively outdated by now, but I would rather enjoy getting a few things off my chest about this little incident. First of all, I refuse to believe that Cooke purposely meant to stab Karlsson. Sure, a player sion, but Malkins used to coming in second to Sid anyway. Also, I think I speak for everyone when I say, Montreal, Toronto, like seriously when the fuck did this happen? I feel like Im in some type of bizarro world where the worst teams in the league are suddenly ghting to be top dogs, this just isnt right. In another bizarre turn of events, guess what Chicago hasnt done this year? Ill give you a hint; its the opposite of what Calgary has been doing all season. Thats right, Vince Vaughn must be loving this because the Chicago Blackhawks havent lost a single game yet this season and are currently riding a 22-game point streak shattering the old NHL record of 16 games. If I could live to see an NHL team go undefeated throughout the regular season I could die happy. But just because I said that, I would recommend that everyone bets against Chicago in their next game because I most assuredly jinxed them. This column may have been the equivalent to someone telling an incredibly long, boring story that you pretend to be interested in only to discover that when they nally wrap things up there was no real point to it whatsoever.

slamsports.tumblr.com

Maybe Karlsson should try putting weight on his torn Achilles again. should never leave their feet when going for a hit, but people are only saying that he deliberately did it because of the reputation that precedes him. For years, Cooke has been a shit disturber in the NHL, playing pranks on teammates, going into visiting teams locker rooms to mess with equipment and allowing his small children to skip school to watch daddy play. If it was any other member of the Pittsburgh Penguins team that was in this scufe, it would have been touted as what it rightfully was: an accident. And another thing, people are claiming that if Karlsson was wearing a certain type of socks, that it would have helped. This is just idiotic. Its right up there with people telling you to always be sure to wear shoes when youre chopping wood. Im not sure if those people have realized that a shoe has no chance when battling an axe, just as a sock would not do much to protect against an incredibly sharp blade. The NHL season wouldnt be complete without some concussion controversy. Cookes teammate, Evgeni Malkin, proved once again that concussions are indeed contagious. The ugliest player in the league was recently bitten by the concussion bug and has been forced to take a back seat for at least three games, which hardly compares to Sidney Crosbys 60 games missed due to a concus-

CIS addresses competition with NCAA

Could the Rams be facing NCAA competition?
Scott Hastie
The Silhouette University) (McMaster However, he was not the biggest advocate for the idea. I think weve got it just about right at ve years, MacPherson argued. The nal issue discussed was the status of scholarships in contrast to the NCAA. The American operation has the ability to offer full-ride scholarships, meaning athletes can get residence, food, tuition and fees covered by their sport endeavors. In the CIS, scholarships can only cover tuition and fees, and the dollar amount that can be distributed varies from conference to conference. The reason for less money available to CIS athletes is tied to budgets of athletic departments. [Scholarships] are based on the ability to pay, MacPherson said. What we see in the NCAA is the upper echelon of Division I, with packed football stadiums and packed basketball arenas. There is some serious dollars tied to that. MacPherson commented that the meetings were much better than he expected. The viability of the CIS is a debatable topic, but the league is acknowledging this and will continue to look for input from all university administrations. HAMILTON (CUP) - Canadian Interuniversity Sport (CIS) President Leo Macpherson made an appearance on Sportsnet 590 to discuss important issues surrounding the league, and its battle to acquire top athletes amidst stiff competition from National Collegiate Athletic Association teams. MacPherson spoke at length about worries of a talent drain, which he believes hampers the quality of play in the CIS. We dont have a consensus that we have a crisis on our hands for young Canadian prospective student-athletes for the CIS migrating to the NCAA, said the CIS president. But there is some concern. He went on to explain that the league is judging the loss of Canadian talent on a sport-bysport basis, pointing to womens hockey as a particular area of concern. The CIS also discussed a Canada West proposal to have a tiered-league in Canada. In theory, the CIS would turn into a nation wide conference instead of the current division set-up. The Ontario University Athletics, Atlantic University Sport, Rseau

Marc Messett

Rams Vs. SFU. Should be a good game. du sport tudiant du Qubec, and Canada West conferences would be absorbed into one new superleague. But, MacPherson was skeptical of the idea. We have a very, very broad geographic land mass that we have to cover in Canada. I just dont see the nancial feasibility of that happening, but it is provocative dialogue, he said. One of the major points of the interview was insight into the workings of the CIS recruitment and eligibility rules, and the lack of a compliance ofce. The league boss explained how the CIS operates on an honour system and that there have been minimal problems thus far. Eligibility talks didnt stop there; the CIS is discussing elongating the eligibility for studentathletes. The CIS allows students five years of eligibility in seven years after leaving high school, but this could be increased to seven or eight years per MacPhersons comments.

14 sports

the carillon | mar. 7 - 13, 2013

Top ve kick ass female athletes

When throwing like a girl is a compliment
braden dupuis
sports writer It should come as no surprise to anyone that a fair amount of inequality exists in modern day society Race, religion, income, and even a persons ideas can determine the level of opportunity that falls at their feet throughout their lifetime. While enlightened social movements have been dragging society kicking and screaming towards the bright light of equality for centuries, there is still much work to be done, and anyone with even a shred of honesty to their character should be readily able to admit that. (Wait, what? I thought Obama made inequality illegal in 2008?) While Ronda Rouseys emergence as the Ultimate Fighting Championships first female champion isnt about to erase hundreds of years of gender oppression, or make equal wages and representation appear out of thin air, at the very least it can be viewed as a step in the right direction. After all, no one should be denied their right to be punched in the throat repeatedly. In honour of Dana White and the UFCs decision to allow equalopportunity beatdowns, heres a look at ve trailblazing or otherwise dominant female athletes who have broken records while breaking down the walls of gender inequality. 5. Marion Jones Marion Jones deserves a place on this list for a number of reasons. First of all, as a track and eld star, she was dominant for years. She won three gold medals and two bronze at the 2000 Sydney Olympics, not to mention high nishes at a half dozen other highprole meets. Secondly, she played professional basketball for the WNBAs Tulsa Shock, although she only lasted one season. Finally, she was stripped of all of her Olympic medals and other post-2000 track accomplishments when she admitted in 2007 that she had been using performanceenhancing drugs. See? Women can cheat at sports just as good as men can. 4. Christine Sinclair and Mia Hamm (tie)

mkrob.com

Oh, didnt you know? Theyre playing in the NFL now than any American player, male or female. 1. Danica Patrick

3. Hayley Wickenheiser

While many people, myself included, may not agree with Wickenheisers current decision to play hockey at the University level, theres a very good reason Shes widely refor that logic. garded as the best female hockey player to ever play the game, and probably ranks among the best to ever play the game period. In four appearances at the Winter Olympics, Wickenheiser has picked up three gold medals and one silver. She also lays claim to the bragging rights of being the rst female hockey player (goalies excluded) to play in a professional mens league. Not content with being utterly dominant on the ice, Wickenheiser also played for Canadas national softball team at the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney, Australia, where she led the team in batting average. Because not being a dual Olympian is for chumps. 2. Venus and Serena Williams

Christine Sincy Sinclair probably earned her spot on this list ten times over in 2012 alone. After 13 years on Canadas national womens soccer team she led them to Olympic bronze this past summer, and was awarded the Lou Marsh Trophy as Canadas athlete of the year. Her ass-kicking performance at the Olympics is already being credited with growing the sport of soccer in Canada, something the game has been in dire need of in the great white north for years. No mention of womens soccer would be complete, however, without mentioning American superstar Mia Hamm, who has scored more goals in her career

Where to even start with these two? To be honest, Im not even sure how much theyve done in terms of breaking down gender barriers, but they are simply too ridiculously good to not mention on a list of dominant female athletes. Venus (seven Grand Slam titles) and Serena (15) have pretty much owned womens tennis for a decade-and-a-half, each having collected four Olympic gold medals and countless other titles along the way. If you want to talk about equality, the sisters have also allegedly faced a fair amount of racism over the years, but that doesnt really surprise me tennis strikes me as the kind of sport that rich, white country-club types would hate getting their asses beat at. Also, one of them is named Venus, and thats pretty badass in itself in my books.

It could very well be that the timeline of Danica Patricks recent NASCAR success has awarded her the top spot on this very prestigious list, but Ive got a different theory informing my (totally scientic) method of ranking. On Feb. 24, Patrick became the rst female driver in NASCAR history to lead a green ag lap at the Daytona 500 after winning the pole position with a qualifying time of 45.817 seconds. With her eighth-place nish at the Daytona, she became the highest-placing female driver in the races 55-year history. But what strikes me most about Patrick isnt just the fact that shes a female driver, its the very sport that shes excelling at. Not to generalize, but I have a feeling there are more than a few NASCAR fans who couldnt even spell the word equality, let alone appreciate its importance in modern society. To push the boundaries of what true equality can and should be for our future generations, weve got to demand more from ourselves in all aspects of life. No half-assing it, and no compromises. Only by getting into the socalled dirty areas of social inequality can we begin to really clean up the mess. A woman driving NASCAR, like a woman punching another woman in the face, isnt going to reverse all of societys unsavoury shortcomings overnight, but you cant go anywhere without taking that first step. Or in this case, throwing that rst punch.

graphics

Visual Editor: Arthur Ward graphics@carillonregina.com the carillon | mar. 7 - 13, 2013

op-ed
opinion

Op-Ed Editor: Edward Dodd op-ed@carillonregina.com the carillon | mar. 7 - 13, 2013

Icicle of doom
The giant icicle in Saskatoon is more than just an icicle its a harbinger of doom. I was initially unimpressed with the giant icicle. Sure, it was a strange and interesting sight, but it was frozen water in the middle of a Saskatchewan winter. Not something terribly unusual. The Twitter account I discounted as the work of comedic hooligans, the mesmerisation experienced by the national media I wrote off as the result of slow news days and limited knowledge of Saskatchewan winter. I did not know the full extent to which the giant icicle was a force unto itself until they cut it down ... and it came back. Even as the Saskatoon re department cut it down on the west side of the city, it re-emerged on the east side with greater strength. In fact, more than one incarnation of the giant icicle has appeared in Saskatoon, clinging to the side of apartment buildings, consuming light fixtures and power lines, and hanging ominously over the residents of the city and the province. This is the stuff of myths and legends. This is a warning to us all. Of course, coverage of this event has been with quiet awe and mystery. Attempts by Global News to contact the property management company where the second coming of the icicle is occurring were met with lawyers letters warning about drawing too much attention to the icicle, lest interested citizens approach the vengeful ice-being out of curiosity and are struck by falling ice or slip and fall. As always in Saskatchewan, dealing with the issue headon is way more difficult and uncomfortable than ignoring it indefinitely until it goes away.

But I for one must know what the mystical icicle means, and why it has come to Saskatchewan. Perhaps it is trying to draw attention to the tendency of landlords in Saskatchewan to ignore maintenance on their properties until it reaches such a point that demolition is the only option. Knowing of the destruction of downtown apartments in Regina, the icicle has arisen to stand as a representation of the unstoppable forces of greed that drive development in Saskatchewan. Maybe its here as the physical incarnation of the trend towards allowing apartments to be converted to condos by property owners simply to rent them out at higher prices, or the increasing disappearance of affordable rental units while giant houses and condos are slapped up on the edge of the city well out of the price range of many residents. Perhaps it has even come to stand in as the immovable force that can impose a sudden and unexpected 77 per cent rent increase that some Regina residents are expecting soon, an increase that will force them out of their homes because foolish civic policy allowed a ridiculous ination of the market rate for rental housing in both cities. Whatever the reason for its coming, the icicle has generated discussion and interest, and the issues it might raise warrant some serious discussion. Unfortunately, much like this mythical icicle I suspect meaningful discussion of tenancy in Saskatchewan will melt away with the approach of summer. And any action to x the problem in the future will, like the puddle left behind, dry up fairly quickly.

Edward Dodd

edward dodd
op-ed editor

Chameleon journalism
As journalists, were taught to strive for objectivity. When you step into the job, you dont have a religion, or a family history, or hobbies, you only have eyes and ears for your subject. This goal is bullshit. You cant get rid of your biases, no matter how hard you try. You can change your biases, they can and do evolve with education, but youll always have them. And yes, they do stand in the way of telling honest stories, and often can stand in the way of making a connection and establishing rapport with others. I learned recently just how powerful my own biases were in preventing me from being a good journalist. I spent a week living with and reporting on a group of Canadian military reservists, basically living in a tent with a group of guys who already didnt really want me there because of my little tape recorder and notebook. I didnt have to say anything for them to get a sense of who I was a left-wing, university educated feminist with thick framed glasses and a hard on for skim soy lattes. Theyre the guys who played sports in high school and called me weird. Thats the relationship I walked into anyway. A relationship like that doesnt go anywhere past the initial awkward glances, and let me tell you, its hard to write a story on awkward glances. I knew I had to get over it if I was going to tell these guys stories. They like things like poop jokes and Family Guy and chewing tobacco. If I were in a group of my own peers, we wouldnt laugh at this stuff. Id go on some ramble in the Carillon about how dirty humour shows a societal lack of respect for women, minorities, whatever. And the guys would shirk away from me, because nobody wants to be judged. So yeah, I laughed at shit jokes. And I talked about getting super drunk. Basically I went back to grade 10, and while youre probably rolling your eyes and calling me a sell out, I have one defence: You dont gain trust by believing you stand above others. If we live in a world where we choose judgement instead of getting over ourselves, we make walls and barriers and if youre a journalist, trying to stand outside of the circle because its rst off, not who you are, and secondly, not objective behaviour is stupid. Its worse than bringing your own biases. If I didnt laugh at their jokes because thats not objective, theyd shut up, wondering if I am judging them, or making notes about them like animals in a zoo. If its a zoo you think youre observing when you step outside of your comfort zones as a journalist, you wont get the story until you throw the notepad away and jump over the fence.

julia dima
production manager

rawchristianity.wordpress.com

Like a chameleon, you sometimes must blend in with your surroundings.

the carillon | mar. 7 - 13, 2013

op-ed 17

National embarrassment
NDP government with enough political capital to achieve constitutional reform. That being said, the Senate must be changed, and it doesnt matter if it is reform or abolition in its current state it is simply expenditure. The Senate offers no value to Canada and Canadians, except perhaps the sale of newspapers. It is a pasture, where Prime Ministers put people out to graze. What ambition do these people have? It cant possibly serve to pad a resume, since most are quite old. Also, as a Senator, they hardly influence the Canadian political landscape, except perhaps by potentially striking their own death knell. What sort of ambition does Patrick Brazeau have if he wants to spend his whole life in the Senate, a job that he hardly shows up to anyway? Apart from Brazeau, others inhabit this pasture as well. Currently in the news is Mike Duffy who said that he made mistakes in filling out the residency forms, claiming that the rules are unclear. This gives rise to many questions such as how has he gotten this far in life? How hard could filling out this form be, and why have so many before him succeeded with these forms where he has failed? Or perhaps he thought he lled it out correctly, until he was proven otherwise, and now is more than happy to pay back the money and consequently keeping his job. This raises the next point, what compels Senators to try and take more? They already hardly work, and get paid extremely well for it. The one claim that the Senate makes in its defense is that it is the house of sobersecond thought? Brazeau almost invalidates this himself, but Duffy adds to the hilarity of the statement. Its imperative that the Senate be transformed, and the sooner the better. Thankfully, the Senate has made new rules, saying that Senators will need to present a drivers license and a health card among other documentation, which will hopefully be an easily achievable task. Yet, the Senate will be around for a while, and if the opportunity presents itself for Stephen Harper to make another appointment to the Senate, a potential candidature is Tom Flanagan. He has a breadth of experience in Canadian politics and is probably doing some job-searching right now. By having the Senate, it creates a situation where negligent behaviour is possible. Dont take this wrong, there is corruption at every level of politics, but none of it is similar to the Senate, because of the simple fact that Senators arent elected theyre appointed. The Senate in its current form is an anachronism, a relic of a bygone era, and should nally be conned to the past.

johnbolton.ca

The Upper House has sunk to new lows. The last few weeks of Canadian politics have been increasingly more interesting, and the pinnacle of that interest is the Senate, which has lately come under re. The Senate has made headlines because of either now-Independent Patrick Brazeaus behaviour, or the questionable expenses and residencies of the other senators, an issue which also includes Brazeau. The Senate is at a critical juncture in its existence, with increasingly negative cover-

This man doesnt look like an entitled jerk at all

age and stronger movements for abolition. Thomas Mulcair, when he came to the University of Regina last semester, promised that in the next NDP platform, the Senate would have its head on the chopping block. This does create a problem though, because as he admitted himself, its a constitutional issue, and the last two times the constitution was opened, it didnt work out very well for anybody. The logistics of this are also far-fetched, as it assumes a majority

michael chmielewski
contributor

Student Politics 101

With six weeks of classes remaining in the semester, crunch time for midterms and final projects are approaching quickly. Academic deadlines are not the only pressures that are on students minds as some, or a minority of students, are aware that the URSU nomination period has just ended. With the inevitable elections to follow, students who are considering running for a position on the URSU executive, URSU board of directors or the University of Regina senate, should consider the following if and when they are elected. First, your personal opinion on all student-related issues takes a back seat. When your opinion on the issue is in the minority, by the other executives and the board of directors, you do what the executive and board wants and above all what the majority wants. You were elected to carry out the needs, wants, and issues that the majority of students want, regardless if it goes against your views. Worst-case scenario: the majority is wrong and you cant be blamed because you were against it. But dont try to sabotage things by spreading false information about the side you disagree with. Yes, I am referring to the BDS issue that was poorly handled last year. This brings me to my next point; distribute information from both sides of most issues. Since URSU has been accused of being partisan and biased for the past couple of years, it is important to re-establish URSU as a credible non-prot student organization that can be taken seriously on and off campus. When there is a political election federally or provincially you distribute information from all parties that are running. Whether by holding forums, tabling, or otherwise, you do not use URSU resources or URSU afliated social media accounts to advocate for a particular party. You will alienate students, destroy the stution is made. Clich, I know, but it is possible. Do not bully or troll them from your URSU afliated social media accounts. These are only a few suggestions for students who are interested in getting involved with student politics. You may become discouraged at times when you feel that no matter what you do, your constituents and colleagues hate you. Dont worry, its not unusual. A wise former URSU executive once said that at the end of the day, you need to be able to sleep at night with the choices you have made. It is a juggling act between your own personal opinion and what is best for who you are representing and what is good for the organization. You will make great decisions as a student leader and you will also make some bad ones. This is a guarantee, despite having good intentions. I hope those running for an URSU position want to advocate for students and love the challenge of making the U of R campus a better place. Dont campaign for a position to agitate students (or the university administration, the legislature and city council) by shoving your opinions and political agenda down their throats. Regina is a small city, and Saskatchewan has a small population. Lastly, this is not 100 per cent foolproof. I just wanted to share what took me a few years to learn, whereas you can take this advice (or leave it) and focus on the issues that really matter.

URSU is what we make it, so lets make it a functioning organization, ok?

carillonregina.com

dents unions credibility and would become a detriment to the political party that you are abusing your authority for. Just use common sense. Next, put the welfare of the organization and students at the U of R rst. You wanted this job to advocate for students. And while it is true that working at URSU does provide a good training grounds to

work in politics, administration groups and other nonprot organizations, it is not your rst priority. Your rst priority is to advocate for students in a respectable, civilized and professional manner. If you disagree with a board member, co-executive or a constituent, arrange a meeting (preferably where both parties are comfortable) and discuss the issue until an amicable solu-

I hope those running for an URSU position want to advocate for students and love the challenge of making the U of R campus a better place.
Jordan Palmer
jordan palmer
contributor

humour

kevin chow

Battling a terrible addiction

Netflix can approach addiction levels suddenly and unexpectedly
aidan mouellic
other press (douglas college) NEW WESTMINSTER (CUP HUMOUR) Richard Hawthorne was an average Canadian in every sense. He worked fulltime for a beer company, enjoyed chopping wood on the weekends and loved hiding from the nasty Saskatoon winter indoors whilst watching the Shopping Channel. This all changed a few months ago though, when Hawthorne discovered Netix. Netix, the Internet video streaming program, transformed Hawthorne from a productive member of society to a mass Netix content consumer commonly known as a Netflix Zombie. This growing phenomenon manifests itself in ways that are extremely harmful to society, both from an economic and from a sociological standpoint. The Netix Zombie has been known to spend upwards of 22 hours per day watching Netix content. This was the case for Hawthorne, who has been placed into the recently opened National Centre for Netix Addiction (NCNA). The centre already has a waitlist of over a year and nds that most people who enter for treatment often recover from their addiction. The patients we deal with often come here once they reach the saturation point; this is the point when they have watched all content on Canadian Netix two times over and nally realize they have a problem, said Emily Jacobs, the centres director. For Hawthorne, this point came when he got red from his job. I didnt show up to work for a month. They tried calling me but I was busy watching Community. Finally they sent the police

arresteddevelopment.wikia.com

Ive made a huge mistake.

over since they thought I was missing. The police found me wearing an adult diaper, re-watching Community and laughing like a maniac. The toll that Netix has on the individual is staggering; hygiene and health are completely foregone for the sheer pleasure of watching episode after episode of thrilling television. One unforeseen side effect of the Netix Zombie situation is that the economy in Canada is failing under the strain of subpar employee performances. Employees are ei-

ther in a Zombie state due to Netix induced sleep deprivation or they miss work altogether. Analysts report that the recent dismal performances from Blackberry maker Research in Motion was due to 75 per cent of their workforce being addicted to Netix. Now all of their subpar products make complete sense. The Canadian mobile phone company has agreed to send those of their employees who are addicted to Netix to the NCNA and the company is expected to make a

full recovery. For Hawthorne, his life is again bright, he is now free of Netix addiction, and has also found work as a rehab counsellor at the NCNA. He encourages everyone to cancel their Netix subscription after they have finished watching season three of Community and all of Arrested Development.

the carillon | mar. 7 - 13, 2013

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the carillon | mar. 7 - 13, 2013