Healing Through Christ Work Book

CHRI T S
he l ng t a i hrough
H l H p ad el g e , o e n H an p i
f tswoa ao dniadtn o h e hhv leoe dii ro e v n co
A CH RI T CE S NTE D APPROACH TO TH E 1 S P PROGRAM RE 2 TE COM PI E BY TH E H E I L D AL NG TH ROUGH CH RI T I TI S NS TUTE L C , L
Cover Picture: Why Weepest Thou copyright Simon Dewey. Used with permission, courtesy Altus Fine Art www.altusfineart.com
2007-2012 - Healing Through Christ Institute, LLC. All rights reserved except as expressly provided for otherwise herein.
christ
healing through
Help, Hope and Healing

for those who have a loved one in addiction
A CHRIST-CENTERED APPROACH TO THE 12 STEP PROGRAM COMPILED BY THE HEALING THROUGH CHRIST INSTITUTE, LLC
table of contents
iv vi vii 1 3 Preface: Healing through Christ a unique workbook The 12 Steps of A.A. The 12 Steps for Family Members Introduction: Why do Family Members Need a Workbook? Step One 3 Understanding the Principles of the Step 4 How to Apply the Principles of the Step 11 The Promise of Step One 11 Working the Step 14 Family Members Share their Faith and Hope
18 Step Two 18 Understanding the Principles of the Step 19 How to Apply the Principles of the Step 23 The Promise of Step Two 24 Working the Step 28 Family Members Share their Faith and Hope 31 Step Three 31 Understanding the Principles of the Step 32 How to Apply the Principles of the Step 33 The Promise of Step Three 34 Working the Step 35 Family Members Share their Faith and Hope 38 Step Four 38 Understanding the Principles of the Step 39 How to Apply the Principles of the Step 40 The Promise of Step Four 41 Working the Step 46 Family Members Share their Faith and Hope 49 Step Five 49 Understanding the Principles of the Step 50 How to Apply the Principles of the Step 51 The Promise of Step Five 52 Working the Step 54 Family Members Share their Faith and Hope 56 Step Six 56 Understanding the Principles of the Step 56 How to Apply the Principles of the Step 58 The Promise of Step Six 58 Working the Step 60 Family Members Share their Faith and Hope 62 Step Seven 62 Understanding the Principles of the Step 62 How to Apply the Principles of the Step 64 The Promise of Step Seven 64 Working the Step 66 Family Members Share their Faith and Hope
table of contents
68 Step Eight 68 Understanding the Principles of the Step 68 How to Apply the Principles of the Step 70 The Promise of Step Eight 71 Working the Step 73 Family Members Share their Faith and Hope 75 Step Nine 75 Understanding the Principles of the Step 76 How to Apply the Principles of the Step 77 The Promise of Step Nine 78 Step Nine Supplement: Loving as God loves 80 Working the Step 82 Family Members Share their Faith and Hope 84 Family Members Share about Step Nine Supplement: Loving as God Loves 86 Step Ten 86 Understanding the Principles of the Step 86 How to Apply the Principles of the Step 88 The Promise of Step Ten 88 Working the Step 91 Family Members Share their Faith and Hope 93 Step Eleven 93 Understanding the Principles of the Step 93 How to Apply the Principles of the Step 95 The Promise of Step Eleven 96 Working the Step 98 Family Members Share their Faith and Hope 101 Step Twelve 101 Understanding the Principles of the Step 101 How to Apply the Principles of the Step 103 The Promise of Step Twelve 104 Working the Step 105 Family Members Share their Faith and Hope 107 The Step Promises (1-12) 115 Scriptures referenced in the Workbook 116 Talks by General Authorities referenced in the Workbook appendix 121 132 138 143 147 150 152 Appendix 1: Addiction, Recovery, Slips and Relapses Appendix 2: Codependency, Boundaries and Detaching Appendix 3: Tough Love and Facing Abuse Appendix 4: Sponsorship Appendix 5: Glossary of Recovery Terms Appendix 6: Recommended Reading List End User License Agreement
preface healing through christ a unique workbook

How was the workbook developed?
Healing Through Christ is a very unique workbook which brings together in one place many of the best principles, practices and tools of recovery available for those who have a loved one in addiction. We, who have compiled this workbook, have combined valuable information about codependence, addiction and the healing principles of the Twelve Steps. Crucial insights from the latest medical research provided understanding on how addiction, as a brain disease, significantly alters the brain of our addicted loved ones. In addition, skilled family therapists, with decades of clinical experience in addiction and family relations, have added their insights and incorporated their successful clinical practices into this workbook. Initially, we turned to the extensive literature of the family support 12 Step programs of Al-Anon and S-Anon. We also recognized the need to understand unmanageable behaviors that family members experienced when facing the addiction of a loved one. We found valuable information on unhealthy behaviors in Melody Beatties book Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps. As we came to understand that the purpose of the original Twelve Steps was to bring people to Christ to overcome their alcohol addiction and that they were based upon the foundation of the New Testament, we began to add scriptures that supported each Step. We then added quotes from the talks of LDS ecclesiastical leaders that supported and strengthened our understanding of the spiritual principles in the Twelve Steps. We also decided to include the latest medical information on addiction because of the increased understanding it would provide for family members. In 2007, various 12 Step family support groups began using this workbook and providing feedback. The valuable feedback, from those who have used this workbook over a five year period of time, led to numerous revisions and improvements. As a result the workbook includes the information family members have found to be most helpful. It has always been our quest to help the family members of those in addiction find the help, hope and healing we have come to enjoy. The end result of this process is the Healing Through Christ workbookwhich is very unique!
Who compiled the workbook?
All those who have contributed to the writing and compiling of this workbook, including the licensed therapists and psychologists, know first-hand the chaos, anxiety, fear, guilt and shame that can be present when family members experience the turmoil and suffering that comes when a loved one is trapped in addiction. We know what family members are feeling because we have lived it ourselves. Having experienced the challenges of emotional and spiritual pain, we have found peace in our lives by learning and applying Christ-centered principles. In this workbook we share the principles, practices and tools that helped us find hope and healing. The writers and compilers of the workbook are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (a.k.a. LDS Church, Mormon Church); however, they alone are responsible for the concepts, ideas and views contained herein. The workbook has neither been reviewed by nor endorsed by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Since the workbook was originally written and compiled to assist members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the workbook contains scriptural quotes not only from the Old and New Testaments, but also quotes from additional scriptures used by the LDS Church; i.e. the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants. The quotes from ecclesiastical leaders within the workbook are almost exclusively from leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The compilers of this workbook have chosen to retain these sources in this version of the workbook being made available to the general public because these quotes powerfully support the healing principles and add to the workbook. We hope that those who read this workbook, no matter their faith or religion, will rejoice together in these Christ-centered healing principles.
iv
preface
We invite the reader to carefully consider these Christ-centered principles. We have experienced for ourselves that as we have applied these principles, peace has been restored to our lives. We have learned that through the atoning grace of Jesus Christ, suffering family members can once again find help, hope and healing.
Sharing this workbook with others
From the very first version of the Healing Through Christ workbook in 2007, the information has been freely shared with those who have a loved one in addiction. Those who contributed to the compiling and writing of this workbook donated approximately 20,000 hours of their time, without compensation. Their efforts have been a true labor of love that has already blessed the lives of countless people. There has never been any intent to make a profit from this information by printing and selling copies of the workbook. We believe this information can be a help to all those who have a loved one in addiction and who find themselves on a journey seeking help, hope and healing in their lives. Therefore, the compilers desire to freely share what has worked for them with all those who wish to use it. We have made provisions that will allow anyone to download this workbook free of cost, as long as they agree to abide by the End-User License found at the end of the workbook. You will be permitted to copy the workbook (Educational Materials) for yourself or for another person only if: 1. The copy is transmitted and received expressly subject to the terms and conditions of the End-User License. 2. The Educational Materials are kept intact and copied as one whole with exactly the same form and content as the original. 3. The Educational Materials are distributed free of charge. Others should be referred to the website, www.healingthroughchrist.org, to download their own copy of the workbook. The Educational Materials may not be sold. BY DOWNLOADING OR USING ANY OF THE MATERIALS INCLUDED IN THIS WORKBOOK ("EDUCATION MATERIALS"), YOU AGREE THAT YOUR POSSESSION, USE, AND DISTRIBUTION OF THE EDUCATIONAL MATERIALS ARE EXPRESSLY SUBJECT TO ALL OF THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF THE END-USER LICENSE SET FORTH AT THE BACK OF THESE EDUCATIONAL MATERIALS. Finally, the writers and compilers make no claims regarding the workbook or the tools, practices and principles contained herein as it applies to the situation of anyone reading or using this information. We simply state that this is the path that guided each of us to find peace and hope again in our lives.
the twelve steps of alcoholics anonymous

The Healing Through Christ Institute, LLC has adapted the original Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. into a framework that is a Christ-centered approach for family members who have a loved one in addiction. The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous have been reprinted and adapted with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. (AAWS). Permission to reprint and adapt the Twelve Steps does not mean that Alcoholics Anonymous is affiliated with this program. A.A. is a program of recovery from alcoholism only use of A.A.s Steps or an adapted version in connection with programs and activities which are patterned after A.A., but which address other problems, or use in any other non-A.A. context, does not imply otherwise. Additionally, while A.A. is a spiritual program, A.A. is not a religious program. Thus, A.A. is not affiliated or allied with any sect, denomination, or specific religious belief. The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are as follows: 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. 2007-2012 Healing Through Christ Institute, LLC All rights reserved
vi
the twelve steps for family members

The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, as adapted by the Healing Through Christ Institute, LLC for those who have a loved one in addiction
1. Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable. 2. Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to spiritual and emotional health. 3. Decide to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. 4. Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Acknowledge to Heavenly Father, to ourselves, and to another person experienced in Twelve Step principles, the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Become entirely ready to have God remove all our character weaknesses 7. Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove our shortcomings. 8. Make a written list of all persons we have harmed and become willing to make amends to them 9. Wherever possible, make direct amends to all persons we have harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continue to take personal inventory, and when we are wrong promptly admit it. 11. Seek through prayer, scripture study and meditation to know the Lords will and to have the power to carry it out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message of hope and healing with others and practice these principles in all we do.
vii
introduction
(please read before beginning the workbook)

perience happiness again. The crisis of addiction has permeated and afflicted the spiritual and emotional climate of our marriage relationships and our entire family.
Why do family members need a workbook?
Family members suffer emotionally, spiritually, and financially as they try to cope with having a loved one trapped in addiction. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin explained: Often those who struggle with adversity ask the question Why did this happen to me? They spend sleepless nights wondering why they feel so lonely, sick, discouraged, oppressed, or brokenhearted. The question Why me? can be a difficult one to answer and often leads to frustration and despair. There is a better question to ask ourselves. That question is What could I learn from this experience? 1 As we study this workbook we receive helpful information, gain understanding and learn how to apply powerful solutions. We also discover we are not alone in our suffering. Initially, we may believe that the purpose of this workbook should be to learn how to change the behaviors of our addicted loved ones. However, it is essential that we come to accept that we cannot force another person to obtain recovery from addiction, and trying to do so will not produce the results we desire. Through working the Steps, we learn to apply spiritual principles that will help us begin to understand how to respond to the challenges we are facing. We will find hope and peace for ourselves through the grace of our Savior regardless of what the future may bring.
How can we find the solutions we need?
Many family members have experienced the healing power that comes from applying the principles in the Twelve Steps. Family support programs, which formally began with Al-Anon in 1951, have provided spiritual solutions and emotional relief to those whose lives have been affected by a loved ones addiction. As one family member explained: I needed help, but didnt know where to start. One day, I dropped to my knees and with a soulful plea I cried, Dear God, please help me. I emptied myself of all my old ideas of what my life should be. Finally I was ready and willing to do anything I had to do to achieve some sort of emotional and spiritual [health].This time I had no more answers. I was willing to Listen and Learn This time I totally surrendered myself to this simple program. Here was a group of individuals who seemed to have found a solution to their problems. They were not problem-focused people; they were solution-focused people. 2 Using this workbook and applying the Twelve Step spiritual principles is an opportunity for us to receive healing; an opportunity that is missed if we focus only on our loved ones addiction and their recovery. The Twelve Step pathway can lead us to the answers that are right for us. We all have dark times in our lives, but the journey to better times is often what makes us happier, stronger people. 3
What are we feeling?
We may have tried to keep up the appearance that all was well in our lives, even though we were secretly living in despair. We may have attempted to isolate ourselves out of fear, guilt or shame, believing that we could not talk to anyone else about our situation. Some of us lived unaware of the addiction and experienced disbelief and shock upon its discovery. We felt overwhelmed by the realization that addiction had become a problem in our marriage and family. Our trust in our loved ones as well as our ability to trust our own judgment has been shattered. Many of us have been overcome by feelings of anger, fear and sorrow. We may have even believed that God had failed us by allowing this pain and suffering to come into our lives. Some of us may have felt so hopeless that we were unable to attend to our everyday activities. We may have doubted that we would ever ex-
What is the focus of the Twelve Steps?
Our central focus is learning to rely on the guidance of the spirit and the grace of our Savior, Jesus Christ. The Savior invites us to Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28) Many of us may have labored under the heavy emotional burdens of resentment, fear and hopelessness. This workbook encourages us to surrender to our Savior the burdens we are carrying and to receive His promise: my peace I give unto you:Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid (John 14:27). Elder Richard G. Scott counseled: No matter what the source of difficulty.[all] human reaction to a challenge
introduction
(please read before beginning the workbook)

healing power to free us from the bondage of despair. As Alma testified, I have been supported under trials and troubles of every kind, yea, and in all manner of afflictions; yea, God has delivered meand I do put my trust in him, and he will still deliver me. (Alma 36:27) Although we cannot bear all things now, the Lord gives us this loving reassurance: Be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. (D&C 78:18) As we study and apply the spiritual principles of the Twelve Steps, we will learn new ways to handle our lives; we will discover that we are responsible for our own happiness and that we cannot control other people.The Steps help us learn how to love ourselves, trust our [Heavenly Father] and begin to heal our relationships with others. 8 We experience a spiritually cleansing process which prepares us to more fully draw on the powers of Heaven to guide and strengthen us. As we focus on our own healing, our lives change for the better and impact those around us in a positive way.
in life that engenders hatred, despondency, distrust, anger, or revenge must be supplanted by the tender mercies of a loving Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son.Do what you can do a step at a time.the surest, most effective, and shortest path to healing comes through application of the teachings of Jesus Christ in your life. 4
How will this workbook help me?
We do this program for ourselves, no matter whose problem got us into the Steps, no matter who we originally came to the Steps to help. But these Steps are also a self-esteem program. We work them to be done with shame, guilt, and low esteem. We work these Steps to learn how to love ourselves. Then we can learn how to love other people and let them love us. 5 The power of the Twelve Steps lies in the way it orders gospel principles and helps us more effectively apply them. As we read, apply Step principles and keep a journal of what we are learning, we begin to experience a mighty change in our lives. Family members share: We have reached a new level of honesty, inner peace and love.Living the Steps has given us new purpose, and we find that we are much more able to accept each challenge we may face as an opportunity for further growth. 6 By reading the Family Sharing section at the end of each Step, we benefit from the wisdom and experience of others and gain a better perspective of how we can personally apply healing concepts. As we faithfully continue to work the Steps, we come to understand that healing is a process that requires time to regain, reclaim, and regroup all that was lost while we tried on our own to cope.Building trust takes time, change takes time, healing old wounds takes time. 7 We learn that this emotional and spiritual healing process will require commitment, patient perseverance and continual application of the Steps as we develop deep reservoirs of faith in the power of our Savior to comfort and heal us.
Family members share:
We start working the Steps, and soon the Steps begin to work on us. Sometimes theyve worked on [us] when [weve] resisted. They change us, transform us, in ways that must be experienced not intellectualized. 9 Our healing pathway has required our dedication and constant application of the spiritual principles in the Twelve Steps. It has given us permission to let go of our suffering and to find healing. We come to experience for ourselves the love, guidance and comfort that only the Lord can provide. This healing path has miraculously changed our lives. We have learned that adversity will not defeat us and define our happiness. Through Christ, we will have the strength and courage to face all things. (Philip. 4:13) Trusting in Heavenly Fathers will and in His plan for us and our addicted loved ones continually sustains us each day.
1 2
We will find healing and recovery
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Recovery is often defined as becoming restored to a former or better state. How will this happen? The Lords plan is to rescue and heal each of us as we yield our hearts to Him. (Helaman 3: 35) Just as our loved one needs the Atonement of Jesus Christ to find freedom from the bondage of addiction, we too need His
Joseph B. Wirthlin, Press On, Ensign, Nov 2004 Al-Anon Family Groups, Discovering Choices, 16 Al-Anon Family Groups, Courage to Change, 1 Richard G. Scott, To Be Healed, Ensign, May 1994 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 75 S-Anon International Family Groups, S-Anon Twelve Steps, 151-152 Al-Anon Family Groups, Courage to Change, 1 Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery, xii-xiii Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 5
step one
Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable.
understanding the principles of the step

he key principle of Step One is life changing when we accept the wisdom and understanding it offers. In the beginning, many of us struggle to comprehend: How are we powerless? How are our lives unmanageable? As we seek the answers to these questions by reading Step One, we will receive the fundamental information and insights we will need to guide us through the challenges we are facing.
ing to seek help from the right sources and they commit to work through the recovery process, no matter how difficult or how long it takes.
Admitting we are powerless
One insight that prepares us to understand our own powerlessness is recognizing the power that addiction has over our loved ones. Elder Russell M. Nelson explained: Addiction surrenders... freedom to choose. Through chemical means, one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will! 1 Elder Marvin J. Ashton also explained that our addicted loved ones are prisoners within their own bodies. Many feel totally helpless, dependent, and desperate. 2 These descriptions apply to all types of addiction, including addictions caused by chemicals introduced into the body as well as behavioral addictions caused by chemicals produced in the brain; such as in overeating, gambling, pornography and sex addictions. The latest medical research supports Elder Nelson and Elder Ashtons descriptions. The American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) released a new definition of addiction based on an intense four year study by eighty experts. Addiction is now defined as a chronic brain disease, [it is] not just bad behaviors or bad choices. 3 (See Appendix 1: Addiction, Recovery, Slips and Relapses) When we understand that our loved ones are literally enslaved by the power of addiction, we recognize that their behavior is less about what they are doing to us, and more about the bondage of addiction. Telling our loved ones to stop their addictive behaviors is the same as telling someone with a life threatening case of pneumonia to stop coughing and get better. Pneumonia victims will struggle with a cough until they receive the right treatment and have sufficient time to heal. Our loved ones will continue to struggle with addictive behaviors until they are will-
Step One for our addicted loved ones begins with accepting the truth that they are powerless over their addiction. Step One for us begins with the same truthwe are also powerless over our loved ones addiction because we do not have the power to control or stop a disease. Adding to the complexity of this dilemma is the reality that our addicted loved ones frequently resist and resent any efforts on our part to help them stop their addiction. If our loved ones had cancer, they would most likely desire help to fight the disease and preserve their life. Sadly, the brain disease of addiction has its own built-in, survival mechanism, causing our loved ones to deny they have a problem and to resist any efforts by others to help them fight the disease. This survival mechanism can be overcome when our loved ones decide for themselves that they desire recovery. In an effort to cope with this situation, many of us have tried in vain to control our loved ones behavior, only to find our lives consumed with a frustrating and impossible task. We may have believed it to be our spiritual responsibility to bring to an end another persons addiction. Our natural response has been to want to control our addicted loved ones, especially when they are hurting themselves and others. However, in trying to do so we eventually realize what so many others have learned, when I try to control other people, I make them and myself crazy. When I try to control addictions, the addictions control me. 4 Feeling powerless is a part of our mortal experience. We are powerless over much more than addiction or the behavior of others. We feel helpless in the face of natural disasters, financial setbacks, serious illness and death to name only a few. We come to accept that in many of lifes challenges our own strength is insufficient. For example, if we were caught in a category five hurricane, we would all admit we were
step one
Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable. problem and what we could do to solve it. Trying to control the addiction of another person will create a climate of tension, anger and despair. We begin to realize that when we try to control the behaviors of others, our relationships become unmanageable. When we obsessively focus on the problems of our addicted loved ones, we lose the ability to concentrate on our own responsibilities and our behaviors become unmanageable. When we try to imagine what our loved ones are thinking or what they are doing, we make ourselves sick with worry and our thoughts and emotions become un-manageable.
powerless over such a destructive storm. We would choose to take cover in a safe place as soon as possible. Accepting that we are powerless over hurricanes is a wise use of our agency. Accepting that we are powerless to control and stop the addiction of our loved ones is the key that will open the door to deeper humility and trust in our Heavenly Father. He is the one who does have the power to help our loved ones overcome their addiction and help us through this challenging dilemma.
How our lives become unmanageable
Many of us have found that our day revolved around our addicted loved ones and our focus was on their
how to apply the principles of the step

Step One provides information that is essential and foundational to healing. It is the longest Step in the workbook, and is not intended to be read and worked all in one sitting. It is beneficial to take the time we need to ponder and understand the information. We focus on our own healing path. Applying Step One gives us permission to find a healthy balance in our lives by giving needed time and love to children, spouses and extended family. Using this workbook will allow us to focus on learning better ways to meet the challenges we are facing and concentrate on the areas in our lives that need our attention in order to restore our inner strength.
Choosing to take care of ourselves
Step One is not just about our powerlessness to stop the addiction of our loved ones. Step One brings relief from impossible responsibilities. We were trying to fix a disease and someone elses disease at that! 5 It is also about opening our eyes to see the power we do have. We do have the power to focus on what we can change in our own lives. We may have become so overly consumed with worries about our loved ones addiction that our own physical, emotional and spiritual health have become jeopardized. Elder John K. Carmack gave the following advice when family members have loved ones trapped in addiction: If you are not functioning well physically and emotionally during such critical moments, you are less likely to be of help to your childrenDont let the chaos of their lives consume yours. 6 Taking care of ourselves is not selfish; it is essential to our well-being and our ability to learn from this life experience. To find peace and serenity in our lives, we have tore-learn to take care of ourselves. 7
Identify negative emotions
As we focus on our own healing path, identifying our negative emotions becomes a priority because of the long term devastating impact our negative emotions can have on our lives. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland cautioned: I suppose it goes without saying that negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking about ourselves. We see our own faults, we speak or at least thinkcritically of ourselves and before long that is how we see everyone and everything. No sunshine, no roses, no promise of hope or happiness. Before long we and everybody around us are miserable. 8 We may go through several painful emotional stages as we struggle to cope with the reality of having a loved one suffering from addiction. These negative emotional reactions may not occur in any particular order or follow a definite pattern. They may cycle slowly over weeks and months, or rapidly in just a matter of minutes. If we find ourselves caught up in a
step one
Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable. Emotional pain can purify our souls if we humbly receive the lessons our emotions can teach us. In mortality, we are allowed to experience bitter trials that we might begin the process of receiving sweet spiritual and emotional growth. As Elder Quentin R. Cook explained: We know from the scriptures that some trials are for our good and are suited for our own personal development. 12 understanding emotional stages This section will help us to understand some of the specific emotional stages we may experience as we become aware of our loved ones addiction.
whirlwind of negative emotions, we can pause, take a deep breath and ask ourselves, What am I feeling right now? Learning to recognize, identify and feel our emotions will allow us to process them more completely and will help us find stability and peace. Step One puts us in touch with our feelingsfeelings of fear, hurt, or shame. It puts us in touch with grief. At first, this Step can feel dark and frightening. It doesnt have to, not for long. It renders us powerless over what we cannot control, so we can become empowered. 9 We become empowered to find emotional healing and experience hope in our lives once again. Experiencing negative emotions is not something we need to feel guilty or shameful about. These emotions are a normal part of our human experience and are always present when we are faced with trauma and severe challenges. We learn to have the courage to feel our painful emotions and allow them to open our eyes to our situation. However, this does not mean we allow our painful emotions to consume and control our lives. Feelings are emotional energy; our feelings are our responsibility. We avoid blaming our emotions on others; letting our feelings control us; and trying to control others with our feelings. 10 We choose to resolve our painful emotions when we stop fleeing from them and gain the courage to recognize, feel and express them appropriately without harming others or ourselves. As we become aware of our negative emotions we choose to either remain in emotional pain, allowing our lives to become unmanageable, or we learn to process them in a healthy manner. Negative thoughts initiate and increase negative emotions. We may not be able stop negative thoughts from entering our minds but we can control whether we allow them to remain. President Ezra Taft Benson taught: Some of the greatest battles we will face will be fought within the silent chambers of our own souls. 11 In Step Two we will learn to recognize how our negative thoughts feed our negative emotions. We will learn how we can use our agency to choose to avoid falling into this downward spiral.
Shock and confusion
Many of us experience shock when we become aware that our loved ones are struggling with an addiction. It is difficult to grasp what is happening around us because of feelings of uncertainty and confusion. We may go through many physical and emotional symptoms such as anxiety, helplessness, numbness, obsessive thoughts, difficulty concentrating, sleep disorders and exhaustion. While these feelings can be overwhelming, we can find comfort in the promise of the Lord: call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee (See Psalms 50:15).
Denial
Denial is a coping behavior we may experience when we are first confronted with the evidence that our loved ones are trapped in addiction. This form of denial helps us get through the first few hours and days of shock. It may play the role of giving us time to prepare for the full impact of what is actually happening. When in denial, it is common to believe that what we are experiencing is not real, making it easier to avoid reality. We may ignore obvious warning signs and behaviors, remaining in denial for extended periods of time. The voice of denial says, Oh, this isnt that serious or its just a passing phase. Remaining in denial will impact our ability to recognize that we and our loved ones are in need of help.
Anger
We may go through a period of time when we are angry at everyone and everything. Anger frequently
step one
Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable. tional transition, we may fall into depression and hopelessness. We may feel we are responsible in some way for the addiction of our loved ones, increasing our feelings of regret, sorrow and shame. As a result of our feelings of grief, we may isolate ourselves and withdraw from family and friends. We will receive comfort as we turn to our Father in Heaven and pray as Alma: O Lord, my heart is exceedingly sorrowful; wilt thou comfort my soul in Christ (See Alma 31:31). If our feelings of sadness are severe and debilitating or if we are experiencing serious depression we may also require help from a professional therapist or medical doctor.
hides the more vulnerable feelings we are trying to avoid such as fear, shame, guilt and sadness. Frustration and disappointment may also be intensified into anger, which can lead to deep resentments toward our loved ones in addiction. We may blame them for the way we are feeling and for what they have done to us. However, blaming others shifts our focus away from our own healing path. We do not deny we are angry. We do not avoid feeling angry. We do not repress our anger. We do not shame ourselves for feeling anger. Not feeling anger will not make it go away. Its energy will still be there pounding away inside us, and, in subtle ways, pounding away at others too. Until we acknowledge our anger, feel it and release it, it will keep us off balance, on edge and irritable. 13 Anger as a part of grieving, however, can be a voice inside of us that says Enough! Something has to change. As we focus on our own healing we can direct our energy into changes that will affect our lives in a positive way. If we are consumed by anger the whole family environment is negatively impacted. Feeling anger does not give us permission to rant and rave and to make others miserable. President Thomas S. Monson explained: anger doesnt solve anything. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything. 14 There are helpful ways to deal with and process anger. First, through prayer and meditation we take our feelings of anger to the Lord and ask for His power to help us. With the guidance of the Holy Spirit we can turn our anger into a force for good. Elder Boyd K. Packer explained: you may not be able to control things out there with others, but you can control things here, inside of youyou may need a transfusion of spiritual strength to be able to do thisPrayer is powerful, spiritual medicine. 15 We can also process our anger by writing down how we feel. It is also helpful to participate in healthy physical activities to help release our pent-up negative energy. We may also need to seek help from a professional counselor.
Bargaining
This emotional phase can be described as a desperate attempt to make everything alright and anxiously seeking for a way out. We might promise God certain things if He will bring about change in our loved ones. We may offer our loved ones rewards if they promise not to act out in their addiction. The problem with both of these approaches is that neither the future nor our loved ones choices and their addictive behaviors are within our control. What is within our control is our choice to trust in Gods plan for us and our loved ones. This is the sacrifice He requires; that we accept each days situation with humility, acknowledging the agency of our loved ones. We stop bargaining with God and with our loved ones and use our own agency to find comfort, courage and guidance from our Father in Heaven as we seek change and healing in our own lives.
Resolution and Acceptance
Sadness
As the reality of our loved ones addiction settles in, we may move into deep sadness and feel a profound loss of our hopes and dreams. In this stage of emo-
Resolution is the point at which we come to peace with our current situation. We accept the things we cannot change, find the courage to face our challenges and change the things we can. Acceptance does not mean we condone wrong-doing. Even in acceptance, we may feel fear. However, we now give ourselves permission to feel our emotions instead of running from them and allowing them to control and consume our lives. Acceptance means we courageously face our fears and live each day with faith and trust in God to guide and sustain us spiritually and emotionally.
step one
Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable. something else. Co is attached to the word dependency to convey the understanding that our mental and emotional health are directly connected to and dependent what other people are thinking and doing. We are acting codependently when we tell ourselves, We will only be happy when our loved ones stop their addictive behaviors. Therefore, our happiness, peace and stability are dependent on what our addicted loved ones are or are not doing, placing us in an emotionally vulnerable position. When we allow our loved ones actions to dominate our thoughts, feelings and behaviors, we are reacting in a codependent manner. The following descriptions of codependent behavior patterns can help us recognize what to avoid and how to think and act in healthier ways. As we review these descriptions, keep in mind that so much of what we call codependency is simply human attempts to avoid, deny, or divert our pain. 18 That is why processing our emotions is critical in overcoming the following behaviors. (See Appendix 2: Codependency) rescuing behaviors The following rescuing behaviors might at first seem to be loving and kind, but in truth they prevent emotional growth and accountability for our addicted loved ones and for us. When we use the words rescuing or care-taking, we are referring to the situation where we are doing peoples thinking for them, suffering peoples consequences for them and solving peoples problems for them. 19
It is important to remember that feelings arent facts. No matter how intense the feelings may be, they are only feelings. They are reactions to, rather than reflections of, realityEmotional trauma can be even more disturbing than physical trauma. 16 We will need time to heal and process our negative emotions. All the emotional stages, including resolution, can come and go. As we move forward into Step Two we will learn additional ways of turning to our Savior and processing our emotions. We become willing to move forward and learn the lessons this life experience can provide. We develop confidence in our ability to find the right solutions. Elder Orson F. Whitney shared: No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, build[s] up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitableand it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire. 17 Our trials will not be wasted; our soul will expand and we will gain understanding and healing as we apply the spiritual principles of the Twelve Steps. recognizing unhealthy behaviors This section will help us recognize our unhealthy behaviors, how they negatively impact the lives of our addicted loved ones and how they cause chaos in our own lives. Our painful emotions can begin to influence us to adopt coping behaviors that are unhealthy. Many therapists and addiction treatment centers use the term codependency to describe this disruption of healthy thinking and behavior patterns. Codependency is not a term that is meant to demean or criticize us. It is a word that simply identifies destructive thoughts, emotions and behaviors that impact our lives and the lives of our loved ones in a negative way. The prefix co in the word codependency refers to the connection between us and someone or
Other examples of denial
Denial is a thinking pattern that avoids truth. It can be a stumbling stone to us as well as our addicted loved ones. With this type of denial we ignore what is happening, even when it is right before our eyes. We do this to protect ourselves until we are ready to face the truth. 20 The truth of our situation can be so frightening that we believe we are unable to face the reality of addiction. We avoid the truth because we simply do not know what else to do and we cannot see how anything good can come from facing it. As denial continues, we can become partially or com-
step one
Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable. Enabling behaviors are misguided attempts of trying to rescue our loved ones and are often motivated by a righteous desire to be loving and kind. Many of us have interpreted religious beliefs as a mandate to care-takeAnd then we wonder whats wrong with us because our Christian beliefs arent working. Our lives arent working either. Christian beliefs work just fineIts rescuing that doesnt work. 21 We always remember that denial and enabling do not help anyone and in reality reinforce the destructive disease of addiction. The opposite of enabling is allowing others to experience the consequences of their addictive behaviors. This is the same pattern that our Heavenly Father employs in the lives of all His children. Consequences provide powerful learning lessons that can give our loved ones the opportunity and motivation to seek change and recovery. persecuting behaviors Overpowering feelings of frustration, resentment and anger can lead to persecuting behaviors. These behaviors may include threatening, nagging, judging, shaming, blaming, criticizing, bribing, withholding love, and using the silent treatment.
pletely blind to how powerfully addiction is controlling our loved ones. Another form of denial involves thinking we are not powerless over our loved ones addiction. We deceptively convince ourselves that we can control our loved ones addiction and their behavior, thus denying the truth that we do not have the power to stop the addiction. Our addicted loved ones also use denial to avoid the painful reality that addiction is controlling their lives. As addiction progresses, the denial thinking patterns for both us and our loved ones can become stronger and more self deceptive. When we use the rescuing behavior of denial with our loved ones we are perpetuating the cycle of addiction which enables our loved ones to remain in their addiction. Facing the truth is the only way growth and change can come into our lives and the lives of our addicted loved ones (See John 8:32). We break away from denial as we accept there is a problem and acknowledge we cannot control it. Facing denial is painful but essential for us and our loved ones. The solution to denial is self-honesty and finding the courage to face the problem. Honest communication and healthy boundaries are needed to remain free from denial. (See Appendix 2: Boundaries and Step Two Boundaries)
Enabling
Threats
Family members often desire to help their addicted loved ones. Helping is a noble desire and is defined as taking care of, rendering assistance or providing relief. However, when addiction is present in a relationship, helping quickly changes into a very problematic behavior called enabling. This behavior establishes a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship which encourages and supports the disease of addiction. We enable our addicted loved ones when we interfere with the natural consequences of their addictive behaviors by lying or making excuses for them to family, friends, employers and others. We enable when we give them money for their substance of choice or quickly bail them out of jail. We enable when we do not set appropriate boundaries or fail to recognize the seriousness of the problem.
We may use threats in a desperate attempt to force [our addicted loved ones] into sobriety. Such threats are unsuccessful because of their extreme nature and the fact that they are seldom implemented. 22 Threats are a form of compulsion and control. In anger we may threaten separation, divorce, or to discontinue financial support. Threats only increase our anxiety, our frustration, and our anger and severely damage our relationships. Instead of using threats, we can create more manageable relationships by prayerfully establishing healthy boundaries, allowing consequences and offering encouragement to our loved ones to find the help they need for their disease of addiction.
Shame
We may believe that shaming our addicted loved ones will motivate them to change. In reality, shame
step one
Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable. Controlling and manipulating also places us in the position of interfering with Heavenly Fathers plan to help our loved ones. Instead of trying to control them, we can establish healthy boundaries and respect their agency. We can trust that God will help them, knowing that He can do what we cannot do.
causes them to feel that they are inherently bad and unworthy of love. One addicted husband and father shared how he felt about himself. I continued along a path of incredible mental and emotional turmoil. I experienced feelings of guilt and shame. Guilt is I made a mistake. Shame is I am a mistake. I felt them both. I made a mistake, but Im not good enough anyway. 23 Our loved ones already feel deep shame. Sharing our feelings of disgrace and humiliation towards them can influence our addicted loved ones to turn to their drug of choice even more frequently in order to dull the pain associated with shameful feelings. Shaming involves condemning and judging and is a form of emotional abuse toward others. It motivates our loved ones to isolate themselves from us, and creates more suffering and strife for everyone. Instead of using shame, we can offer understanding and encouragement for their desperate situation and leave all judgment concerning their addiction to the Lord.
Drama Triangle
Irrational Behaviors
In an attempt to exert control over our addicted loved ones, we may behave irrationally by bribing or promising expensive gifts or special rewards if they agree to stop their addictive behaviors. If we are married, we may try to inflict punishment upon our addicted spouse by developing our own unhealthy habits, such as overeating or overspending. Sometimes spouses may become anorexic in order to compete with pornographic images or in an attempt to have a sense of control over their lives. We may need counseling if irrational behaviors become too ingrained. Self introspection, a healthy self image and self honesty can help us recognize and avoid these behaviors.
There are several ways the drama triangle is employed but there are always three destructive patterns in this relationship triangle: rescuer, persecutor, and victim. When we try to fix our loved ones and rescue them from their problems, they feel they are a victim of our controlling actions. They come to resent us because they feel persecuted by our controlling and manipulative behaviors. As a result they become angry with us and we then feel they are persecuting us for trying to help them. We eventually come to believe that regardless of what we try to do, we are victims of their unwillingness to allow us to change their lives. Unless we recognize that we are involved in this harmful pattern and remove ourselves from it, it will continue to repeat itself and create frustration, despair and contention for everyone involved. (See Appendix 5: Glossary)
Understanding and respecting agency
Controlling and Manipulating
Trying to control or manipulate others is frustrating and exhausting. It blocks other peoples ability to grow.It doesnt matter if theyre hurting themselves. It doesnt matter if we could help them if only theyd listen to and cooperate with us.We cannot change people. Any attempts to control them are a delusion as well as an illusion. 24
Elder Richard G. Scott reminded us: Do not attempt to override agency. The Lord himself would not do that. Forced obedience yields no blessings. 25 We come to accept what we cannot do: interfere with the agency of another. This acceptance frees us from feeling responsible for the choices and behaviors of others. It is our loved ones responsibility to recognize and decide they need recovery from their addiction. Until they reach a place where they can make that choice, they will not be able to get well. Family members accept the truth that their addicted loved ones are afflicted by a powerful disease and come to accept: We didnt cause it, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it. 26 Step One will help us identify the proper use and abuse of willpower We learn to identify when were trying to do the impossible or trying to do that which is not our job. 27 So, we have to stop moralizing, blaming, controlling or smirking at the person with the disease of addic-
step one
tion." 28 Our role as a family member can seem complex and confusing. It is important to remember the counsel of Elder David A. Bednar: You and I cannot control the intentions or behavior of other people. However, we do determine how we will act. 29 We begin to learn what we can dowe can use our agency to find healing and recovery for ourselves. suffering behaviors Suffering behaviors can be very damaging to our spiritual, physical and emotional health. Through these behaviors, our hope and faith become severely weakened and we may become disconnected from the power of God in our lives.
Guilt and shame
The emotion of guilt referred to here is not the same as godly sorrow or remorse. It is an act of self-condemnation and belittlement that says we have failed our loved ones and that somehow we are responsible for their addiction. Elder John K. Carmack explained: Typical and normal parental reactions include sorrow, despair, desperation, depression, feelings of guilt and unworthiness, and a sense of failure. In such circumstances, parents may also experience anger and withdrawal and may feel like simply giving up. These reactions usually make matters worse, deepening the problems they face. 33 Guilt may produce regret over past decisions, whether they were correct or not. Even if we have made mistakes, condemning ourselves or anyone else does not help us find healing and learn the life lessons we came to learn. When pornography addiction is present, the spouse may feel it is their fault because they are not attractive enough. We need to understand that the appearance of the spouse is not the source of their loved ones sexual addiction. The heavy burdens of guilt and shame increase our suffering. Guilt can also produce the false belief that God has forsaken us and that we are being justly punished for [our] sins by having a loved one suffer from addictioninstead of grace, [we] experience guilt. 34 All family members make mistakes but resolving our guilt involves letting go of our past mistakes and forgiving ourselves. Elder Carmack also explained that many parents become overwhelmed in self-pity and shame. These emotions may crowd out their love for a daughter or son. Think of the effect on a child of feeling that his parents are ashamed of him or her. This can drive a wedge between parent and child that closes the door to [their addicted loved ones].Do not give in to paralyzing feelings of guilt and hopelessness. Seek spiritual help and peace. Be strong and courageous. You will see it through. 35 Elder Carmacks advice on feelings of shame and guilt as a result of addiction, apply to relationships between spouses as well as relationships with children.
Remaining a victim
Initially we may be victimized by our loved ones actions, but thereafter it becomes our choice whether or not we will remain a victim. When we continue to blame others we remain weak and helpless and we lose our opportunity for growth and healing. C. Terry Warner explained: So it is blame that we must let go of. Blame is the lie by which we convince ourselves that we are victims. 30 One family member shared: When I am in the throes of dealing with addiction, Satan would have me give up. When there is one bad day, it is so easy to think that the next day can only be as bad, if not worse. I can easily be drawn into feeling sorry for myself and in thinking I am quite a victim. Neither attitude lets me think about myself and my own eternal progression. If I think that way I quickly give up working on my own program because Im consumed in hurt and sorrow over someone elses actions. 31 If we stay focused on our own sorrow and suffering it will define our future. When we are ready we will begin to recognize that finding healing for ourselves is not about pointing fingers; its taking responsibility for ourselves. 32 The power to alleviate our suffering lies in recognizing that we are the ones who are ultimately responsible for our own happiness and well-being. We become willing to let go of the pain we have felt in the past and move forward with confidence and faith, seeking the loving grace of our Savior to find healing and direction in our lives.
10
step one
Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable. We may fear that our addicted loved ones will lose their employment, go through a divorce, be sent to jail or prison, or that they will experience an early death. We may agonize over the possibility that our loved ones will never recover. Although these are all potential consequences of addiction, worrying about them does not prevent them from happening. Worry can make us terminally miserable, [merely] enduring life, getting through, waiting for our reward in heaven, not knowing that there is a reward each day in being alive and living our own lives. 36 Fearful concern is at its strongest when [we] become so preoccupied and worried about working out the salvation of [our addicted loved ones], that [our] own salvation is neglected and jeopardized. 37 (See Appendix 2: Detaching with Love)
Worry and fear
As we become fearfully fixated on keeping track of what our addicted loved ones are doing, we sentence ourselves to a prison of obsessive thoughts. We create mental and emotional turmoil when we focus our thoughts on what may or may not be happening or on what may happen in the future. We might rehearse over and over again in our minds what we are going to do or say to our addicted loved ones to try to change their behaviors. This negative mental chatter can become so intrusive that we are unable to sleep, eat or experience feelings of peace. We may feel weary, hopeless, or depressed and fall into patterns of excessive crying. This suffering behavior can jeopardize our psychological and physical health.
the promise of step one

Admitting that we are powerless over the addiction of another will allow us to find healthier ways of interacting with our loved ones. When we learn to let go of what we cannot control, we will finally be able to find peace in our own lives. This Step takes us to a safe place, a comfortable place. [We can] let ourselves go there, as often as we need to. We can trade in lives based on fear, control, and shame for lives that are manageable. 38 We become free to redefine our responsibilities and to stop confusing love with trying to manage and manipulate the lives of others. As we accept the reality that we are powerless over others and let go of the illusion of control over other people, their actions, and their addiction.we find an enormous burden is lifted and we begin to discover the freedom and the power we do possessthe power to define and live our own lives. 39 As President Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught: We determine our happiness. You and I are ultimately in charge of our own happiness. 40 Step One provides the realization that we can choose to become healthy and happy whether our loved ones choose to recover or not. We can give ourselves permission to heal. We use the powerful tools of prayer, love, patience and working with a friend in recovery, or sponsor, to help us begin to find healing. (See Appendix 4: Sponsorship) Applying Step One allows a great weight to fall from our shoulders. We let go of the losing battle we have been wagingwe move in a more positive, productive and rewarding direction. We move toward hope. 41 Our hope is sustained as we apply the counsel of Elder Richard G. Scott: Keep perspective. When you have done all that you can reasonably do, rest the burden in the hands of the Lord.[He] provides the strength each of us needs at difficult times in our life.Never give up on a loved one, never! 42 We feel relief and freedom as we embrace the spiritual truth that we are not the saviors of our addicted loved ones or ourselves. There is only one who can rescue and save any of usour Savior, Jesus Christ.
working the step

Apply your Heart to Understanding (Proverbs 2:2)
Before we begin this section in the workbook, we prayerfully re-read the Step and underline the information that pertains specifically to our challenges. As we Work the Step we ponder upon the message of the Step principles while we write our answers to the
11
step one
Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable. other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person too. The grandchildren thought about the story for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, Which wolf will win? The old Grandfather simply replied, The one you feed. 44 Which wolf do I feed most often? What can I learn from the feelings I have when I feed either wolf? (Read D&C 50:23-25) How do negative emotions interfere with my ability to respond appropriately to my addicted loved one?
questions provided. As we take the time to write down our feelings, the Spirit will guide our thoughts and help us better understand ourselves and our loved ones. As we continue to write about our journey through the Twelve Steps, we will be able to look back at the written record of our thoughts, gain greater perspective and recognize the progress we are making. Writing is a gift that will bless our lives now and in the future. taking care of ourselves
Taking charge of my health
We need to take care of our own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health, no matter what our challenges may be. 43 As a result of the emotional distress of facing the addiction of a loved one, how have I ignored my own needs and neglected to take care of myself? How am I taking care of myself mentally? (Reading a book, taking a class, learning new skills, etc.) How am I taking care of my emotional needs? (Interacting with friends, reaching out for support from a sponsor, having fun, developing a hobby, etc.) How am I taking care of myself physically? (Nutritious food, enough rest, exercise, etc.) How am I taking care of myself spiritually? (Praying for guidance, strength and hope, scripture study, meditating, listening to uplifting music, etc.) How have I neglected loving interactions with my family or been unaware of their physical and emotional needs? identifying negative emotions
Fighting my personal battle
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf shared: The greatest battle of life is fought out within the silent chambers of the soul. 45 What emotional battles am I fighting within the chambers of my own soul?
Recognize the adversarys influence
Some of our negative thoughts are our own, while others come from the adversary in an attempt to confuse us and cause us suffering. [What] Satan can do to harm us is whisper negative, discouraging, liebased thoughts into our minds and hope we will believe him and act out our beliefs toward ourselves and toward each other." 46 What are the lies the adversary whispers into my mind? How do these lies affect my behavior? What is the truth about each of the lies I have listed? For example - "I am not enough and it is my fault" is a lie. The truth is It is not my fault and I am beautiful, capable and loveable. How can replacing untruthful thoughts with accurate information help me? listing unhealthy behaviors
The Wolf Parable
An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, and pride. The
Step One inventory
We develop an awareness of our current thoughts and behaviors by doing a Step One inventory. This inventory will help us understand how our lives may have become unmanageable. Prayerfully choosing a
12
step one
sponsor to listen to our inventory can also strengthen our application of Step One. How often do I struggle with negative thoughts and experience fearful or angry emotions about my loved ones addiction? Have my thoughts and worries interfered with eating and sleeping? Have I struggled with feelings of hopelessness and depression? To what extent? Do I focus mainly on the problems of my addicted loved one and allow this focus to consume my life? Do I allow their problems to prevent me from living a happy and productive life and from loving and interacting with other family members? Have I been in denial over the seriousness of my loved ones addiction? Describe the thoughts and emotions that encouraged my feelings of denial. How have I enabled my addicted loved one? What was the result? Have I used persecuting behaviors to try to stop my loved ones addiction? What was the outcome? Do I feel responsible for their recovery? Do I feel I am a victim as a result of my loved ones addiction? Do I suffer from feelings of guilt or shame? How have I suffered because I blamed myself for my loved ones addiction? Have I tried to change my appearance through starvation or cosmetic surgical procedures in an effort to stop my loved ones sexual addiction? Have I become anorexic? Am I distracting myself from emotional distress by excessive shopping, spending, overeating, obsessive exercising, or using media or any other behavior to escape or soothe my fearful or angry emotions? How have unhealthy codependent behaviors impacted my life? How have they affected my addicted loved one?
I choose to avoid controlling others
Elder Larry W. Wilson teaches: "We lose our right to the Lords Spiritwhen we exercise control over another person in an unrighteous manner. We may think such methods are for the good of the one being 'controlled. But anytime we try to compel someone to righteousness who can and should be exercising his or her own moral agency, we are acting unrighteously." 47 Have I tried to control addictive behaviors through threats, silent treatment, withdrawal of love, shaming, blaming or constant monitoring of their behaviors?
Letting go and allowing consequences
Enabling is destructive to all when we allow it to dominate our relationships. Give [those in addiction] the dignity to fail. As strange as it sounds, by learning to let goI got my life back. 48 (See Appendix 3: Tough Love and Facing Abuse) Why is it important to allow my loved one to experience the consequences of their addiction? How will this make a difference in their life as well as my own?
Reacting or responding
Elder L. Lionel Kendrick stated: We cannot always control everything that happens to us in this life, but we can control how we respond. When we place blame for our actions on others or circumstances that we find ourselves in, we can never gain the strength to change. 49 What can I do to begin responding rather than reacting? What differences do I see in myself and in others when I respond rather than react? accepting that i am powerless
The disease of addiction
Addiction is a brain disease characterized by an inability to stop consumption of drugs, alcohol, compulsive viewing of pornography and other obsessive behaviors despite adverse consequences. An addicted persons damaged willpower alone is not enough in overcoming addiction.The perspective of the per-
13
step one
Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable. ences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain. 51 How might Elder Scotts explanation and counsel be applied to this trial of having a loved one in addiction? After rereading the quote by Elder Orson F. Whitney on page 6 of this workbook, ponder how this challenge might bless my life.
son acting out in addiction is progressively constricted until nothing exists but obsession....The unaddicted have a difficult time understanding the power of the compulsion.When craving begins, reasoning ends.Brain chemicals and the adversary synergistically act in an unholy alliance of soul-searing destruction.When the pain of the losses accumulated exceeds the payoffthe person will do what it takes to stop. Successful recovery will be the hardest task they have ever accomplished, but in the end it will be worth any price paid, since it is the only way back to sanity and peace. 50 (See Appendix 1: Addiction, Recovery, Slips and Relapses; Appendix 5: Glossary of Recovery Terms) How does an understanding the powerful disease of addiction help me recognize that I am powerless to control my loved ones addictive behaviors and choices? facing addiction and adversity
Opportunities for growth and learning
Trials stimulate my growth and understanding
Elder Richard G. Scott explained: Now may I share some suggestions with you who face the second source of adversity, the testing that a wise Heavenly Father determines is needed even when you are living a worthy, righteous life and are obedient to His commandments. Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Prov. 3:1112). He therefore gives you experi-
Although we cannot bear all things now, the Lord gives us this loving reassurance: Be of good cheer, for I will lead you along (D&C 78:18). As we study and apply the spiritual principles of the Twelve Steps, we will learn new ways to handle our lives; we will discover that we are responsible for our own happiness and that we cannot control other people The Steps help us learn how to love ourselves, trust our [Heavenly Father] and begin to heal our relationships with others. 52 We experience a spiritually cleansing process which prepares us to more fully draw on the powers of Heaven to guide and strengthen us. (See D&C 121:45) As we focus on our own recovery, our lives change for the better and impact those around us in a positive way. What can I learn from this life experience? How can it become an opportunity to gain knowledge and wisdom that will benefit my life now and in the future? How can focusing on my own recovery change my life for the better? How can changing my life influence those around me in a positive way?
family members share their faith and hope

Awareness
Becoming aware of the true nature of addiction had an enormous impact on me. My unreasonable expectations that led to hurt, anger and resentment were dispelled. Awareness allowed me to see how my reactions were very hurtful to both of us. As I asked the Lord to bless me with continued understanding, I was able to accept my powerlessness and depend more on the Lord. Awareness is a process that continues to progress like petals on a flower continue to unfold. As I learn more and apply what I have learned, new understanding grows and the truth sets me freebringing peace and compassion and recognition of Christ's great love for each of us.
Hitting bottom
I, like many family members, came to the Twelve Step program to help save a loved one in addiction.
14
step one
The shocking result to me was that my loved one had no interest in the program or being saved at that time! I was allowed to feel the reality of my own powerlessness over my own life as well as my loved ones. I was gifted with the knowledge that without the Savior guiding me, lifting me, carrying me, and even causing me to be able to stand, to even breathe....I, alone, could not manage my life. (See Mosiah 2:21)
Releasing anger
Admitting powerlessness
"My first two children have been in and out of recovery from drug and alcohol addiction for ten years. Admitting that we are powerless over the addictive behavior of others and that our lives have become unmanageable requires truth, self reflection, and a desire to recognize our own short comings. Being honest with myself can feel vulnerable, scary, and overwhelming. Often my ego wants to defend my position at all costs and feel the power of control over others. Admitting that I am powerless is a challenging reality because I want to be right; I want to feel justified in my actions. When I admit that I am out of control then I am able to turn my attention to the Lord. I am responsible for my own recovery, regardless of the choices of those around me. If I am not in recovery myself, my relationships will suffer. Recovery is my connection and honesty with God. Recovery is self awareness, recovery is surrender, and recovery is peace."
Anger was an emotion that I had difficulty controlling after my husbands confession of his addiction to pornography. I felt justified in my anger as I tried to control him by threatening him or using hurtful language. However, I realized that my angry and hurtful reactions toward my husband were doing more harm than good and my behavior was certainly not helping either of us. In fact, my feelings and actions were becoming worse, and I didnt know how to change them. I thought that if I didnt do something he wouldnt change. However, letting go of my perceived responsibility and giving it to the Lord was the turning point in my recovery and healing. It has allowed me to focus on overcoming my own weaknesses and recognizing and building upon my strengths. Since doing so, I feel like a new person.
Negative reactions impact the family
A new awareness
Admitting that I was powerless and could not rescue my loved one in addiction, and that my attempts to do so had made my life unmanageable, was eye opening. I had been unaware of my shift of focus from Christ to myself. I was doing it all myself, and denying His love and the power of the Atonement in my life and the life of my loved one. This new awareness literally freed me from the burden of responsibilities I had taken that were not mine. I did not have the power to change anyone. I could change my focus, and accept that I needed help to manage my life.
Our reactions to the addictive behavior of our child caused many different forms of direct and indirect abuse to be inflicted on all family members. In our effort to try to endure this challenge righteously, we found ourselves failing, burning out, having melt downs, or exploding in anger. As we manipulated, lied, became angry and used inappropriate language in our cycles of dealing with our addicted family member, we felt guilt for our own sins and inability to behave in a more Christ-like manner. This led to low self-esteem, discouragement, and feelings of resentment and victimization because we were sure that we would not have committed our sins were it not for the sins and abusive behavior of our family member. How could we provide the strength and support our family member required, when we felt so spiritually low ourselves? This is when we realized we needed our own recovery program."
Understanding my role
Discovering my spouses addiction was like finding the missing piece to a puzzle. Finally I understood why our marriage was struggling. It wasnt until I attended my first meeting that I had any idea how to proceed with this new knowledge. Step One helped me see that I was powerless over my husbands addiction, and showed me where I could focus my energy to help my life become manageable again. I felt
15
step one
Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable. to stop the addictive behaviors of my family member. When I came to understand that there are areas in the lives of others that I am not responsible for, I let go of guilt and shame. I accepted and allowed God to help me change the one person I did have control to changemyself. To find peace and hope, I have to change. scripture references and endnotes Psalms 50:15; Alma 31:31; Proverbs 3:11-12; D&C 50:23-25; D&C 78:18; D&C 121:45; Mosiah 2:21.
Russell M. Nelson, Addiction or Freedom, Ensign, Nov 1988 Marvin J. Ashton, Shake Off the Chains with Which Ye Are Bound, Ensign, Nov 1986 3 http://www.asam.org/research-treatment/definition-ofaddiction [see also ASAMs full Definition at: http://www.asam.org/DefinitionofAddiction-LongVersion.html ] 4 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 23 5 Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery, 9 6 John K. Carmack, When Our Children Go Astray, Ensign, Feb 1997 7 Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery, 9 8 Jeffrey R. Holland, Created for Greater Things, 9 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 25 10 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 223 11 Ezra Taft Benson, "In His Steps", Ensign, Sept. 1988 12 Quentin L. Cook, Hope Ya Know, We Had a Hard Time, Ensign, Oct 2008 13 Melody Beattie, Journey to the Heart, 133 14 Thomas S. Monson, Finding Peace, Ensign, Mar 2004 15 Boyd K. Packer, The Balm of Gilead, Ensign, Nov 1977 16 Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 90 17 Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle, Deseret Book, 1975, 98 18 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 18 19 Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, 85 20 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 223 21 Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, 92 22 Upward Reach Foundation, Hold on to Hope, 36 23 Upward Reach Foundation, Hold on to Hope, 24 24 Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, 80-81 25 Richard G. Scott, To Help a Loved One in Need, Ensign, May 1988 26 Al-Anon, Three Cs 27 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 25 28 http://www.asam.org/docs/pressreleases/asam-definition-ofaddiction-2011 29 David A. Bednar, And Nothing Shall Offend Them, Ensign, Nov 2006 30 C. Terry Warner, Bonds that Make us Free, 204
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such peace and gratitude with my new understanding of what my role should be in my husbands recovery- my own recovery! I immediately felt relief that I had a guide to follow and that my energy could be focused on truly productive behaviors. Letting go of my husbands problem is what ultimately brought him back to me.
Letting go
Step One has helped free me from the responsibility I've felt for my husband's addiction and for his recovery. I would feel: If I could just get him to read this talk, or meet with our bishop one more time he'll get over this addiction right now. I was always thinking and talking with my family about all the things I thought he should be doing. Then I would dump my list on him which would make him feel he was being controlled and manipulated. These efforts only made him angry, resentful, and less enthusiastic to do any recovery work at all. I was constantly focusing on his addiction and obsessing about what I thought he should do and always worrying that he wasn't doing it. In Step One, I learned to let go and accept that I cannot control his recovery.
Starting my journey to peace
After discovering my husbands addiction, my thoughts continually revolved around the questions, How did this happen? Where did I go wrong? As he started confessing more details, I felt my world spinning out of control. My thoughts seemed to always be somewhere between stuck in the past and terrified of the future. Routine chores became difficult; I cried myself to sleep many nights. It was only after I admitted how lost I was that I sought the help that allowed me to recognize that I didnt cause his addiction, I couldnt control it, and I couldnt cure it. Only then was I able to start my own journey to find peace.
Relief from guilt
Step One provided relief from my compulsion to make everything all better. It was hard to realize that my well meaning efforts were part of the problem. When I came to finally understand that there are many things that I cannot control, no matter how desperately I want to control them, I let go of trying
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step one
Upward Reach Foundation, Hold on to Hope, 58 Melody Beattie, The New Codependency, 8 33 John K. Carmack, When Our Children Go Astray, Ensign, Feb 1997 34 Upward Reach Foundation, Hold on to Hope, 38 35 John K. Carmack, When Our Children Go Astray, Ensign, Feb 1997 36 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 17 37 Upward Reach Foundation, Hold on to Hope, 40 38 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 28 39 Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery, 9-10 40 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Of Regrets and Resolutions, Ensign, Nov 2012 41 Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 46-47 42 Richard G. Scott, To Help a Loved One in Need, Ensign, May 1988 43 Bishops Training Manual and Self Help Guide, section 2, 7 44 The Wolf Parable, unknown author 45 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, On the Wings of Eagles, Ensign, Jul 2006 46 Colleen C. and Philip A. Harrison, From Heartache to Healing,
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31
Larry Y. Wilson, Only upon the Principles of Righteousness, Ensign, May 2012 48 Al-Anon Family Groups, Discovering Choices, 21 49 L. Lionel Kendrick, Strength During Struggles, Ensign, Oct 2001 50 Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD, He Restoreth My Soul, 8-9, 11-12 51 Richard G. Scott, Trust in the Lord, Ensign, Nov 1995 52 Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths To Recovery, xii-xiii
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47
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step two
Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to spiritual and emotional health.

pplying Step One helped us understand that our unmanageable thoughts, emotions and behaviors have significantly weakened our spiritual and emotional health. Step Two will help us understand that God has the power to restore and heal us spiritually and emotionally. President James E. Faust testified: I wish to give assurance that there is a sure cure for heartache, disappointment, torment, anguish, and despair. The Psalmist stated, He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds (Psalms 147:3). 1
impact on how you feel and how you behave. Every time you have an angry thought, an unkind thought, a sad thought, or a cranky thought, your brain releases negative chemicals that make your body feel bad.Every time you have a good thought, a happy thought, a hopeful thought or a kind thought, your brain releases chemicals that make your body feel good. 3 Negative thoughts will destroy our peace and will severely weaken our faith. Unhealthy codependent behaviors are initiated by negative thoughts. For example: If we are overcome by fearful thoughts, we may choose to go into denial in order to get rid of our fear. Angry thoughts can prompt us to try to persecute and shame others. Hopeless thoughts lead us into suffering behaviors, etc. We can learn to avoid dwelling on our negative thoughts and believing the deceitful messages they portray. Many of us have found it helpful to cite a scripture or hymn in our minds or to mentally review our blessings. Some remove negative thoughts about others by intentionally listing five good qualities about that person each time they feel resentment towards them. Eventually, we will develop the ability to recognize our negative thoughts quickly and counter them with faith and positive thoughts before they powerfully feed our emotions negatively. This effective tool can shield us from unnecessary emotional suffering. If our negative thoughts are a result of negative emotions, processing our emotions will improve our situation. Spiritual and emotional health can be attained as we experience peace, hope and self-worth once again in our lives. We can seek Gods guidance each day and listen to His voice, or we can allow the powerful negative voices of fear, anger and shame to invade and permeate our thoughts. Elder Kevin W. Pearson explained: It can be enticing to choose doubt and disbelief over faithFaith and fear cannot coexist. One gives way to the other. The simple fact is that we all need to constantly build faith and overcome sources of destructive disbelief.We do have a choice. We get what we focus on consistentlythere are forces
We begin to strengthen our spiritual health as we develop a deep trust that Gods love and guidance will always sustain us through the challenges we are experiencing. We exercise faith in His promise: I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee (Hebrews 13:5). We find relief from our fears and challenges when we choose to quietly listen for the promptings of the Holy Spirit through prayer and scripture study. Our spirit is also strengthened through listening to hymns, uplifting music, pondering and participating in anything that personally nourishes our souls. Emotional health may be defined as learning to manage our emotions in healthy ways through appropriately communicating our feelings and remaining free from despair and hopelessness. A firm hope in Christ prevents our negative emotions from dominating and controlling our behaviors in a destructive way. Through applying the spiritual principles of the Steps, we learn to develop hopeful thoughts and emotions which create a positive way of living. We rely upon the power of our Savior to begin healing our painful emotional wounds as Elder Tad R. Callister explained, For every afflictionthe Savior has a remedy of superior healing power. 2
Negative thoughts and emotions are harmful
Negative thoughts influence and intensify negative emotions. Conversely, negative emotions also significantly contribute to negative thoughts. Our brains can develop negative thinking patterns which can become cyclical and addictive. These unhealthy thought patterns can make us miserable. As Dr. Daniel G. Amen explained: Thoughts .have a real
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step two
Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to spiritual and emotional health. heart sickness when our own expectations and timetables concerning our addicted loves ones are not met. Elder Neal A. Maxwell encouraged us to hold on to hope by not looking back, and refusing to let yesterday hold tomorrow hostage. 6 The way to overcome despair is to surrender our desires to Gods timetable and trust in His plan for us. When our expectations become firmly grounded in what God can and will do for us, our feelings of hope will increase and our spiritual and emotional health will be strengthened. A sure foundation on which to build our spiritual health is to expect that our prayers are heard by a loving Father in Heaven and that they will be answered. Expect that God will be with us to support, guide and sustain us. Expect that Gods plan will always result in our future happiness. President Thomas S. Monson reminded us, The future is as bright as your faith. 7 Our hope is based on an expectation that good things will come as we rely upon the guidance of our Father in Heaven.
that erode our faith. Some are the result of Satans direct influence. But for others, we have no one but ourselves to blame. These stem from personal tendencies, attitudes, and habits we can learn to change. 4 When we are facing severe trials; the adversary knows we are susceptible to negative thoughts that promote fear and anger. We will learn to recognize the source of our negative thoughts. If they are of Satan, we reject them and command them to leave. If we have developed a habit of entertaining negative thoughts we prayerfully seek help from the Lord to discover how we can stop this unhealthy pattern.
Hope and Expectations
The key principle of Step Two is hope in Christ. President Uchtdorf taught: The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness. Despair can seem like a staircase that leads only and forever downward. Hope has the power to fill our lives with happiness. Its absencewhen this desire of our heart is delayedcan make the heart sick. 5 We are especially vulnerable to this kind of despair and

spiritual healing consolation into our lives. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave us this assurance: I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, Come unto me, He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way.He is saying to us, Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going, He says, we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness, He promises. I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls. 9 The expectation that even this challenge will work for our good, (see D&C 90:24) is a sure foundation that strengthens our hope and sustains our spiritual and emotional health.
Finding hope and faith in Jesus Christ
We will be lead out of the darkness of despair when we seek hope in Gods grace to sustain us through our trials. Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf testified: Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise to us.It is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance.With hope, we can have patience, and bear [our] afflictions..The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. 8 Our hope precedes and encourages our faith in our Savior as we become willing to completely rely upon Him who is mighty to save (2 Nephi 31:19). Holding on to the assurance that God has promised to answer our prayers, to give us rest, and to keep us safe even in the midst of severe turmoil, will bring healing
Believe in the healing power of the Atonement

It is very important for us to fully comprehend our personal need for the healing power of the
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step two
Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to spiritual and emotional health. tool in times of great trial when fearful emotions obscure our vision. President Thomas S. Monson explained: We can lift ourselves and others as well, when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. 13 We nurture our emotional healing when we choose to recognize the many blessings the Lord provides for us each day. When we allow our hearts to be filled with gratitude toward our Father in Heaven, we receive a healing balm to our souls and we are lead out of darkness into light. Writing a gratitude list each day that acknowledges Gods power in our lives will help us to see that He is already coming to our rescue in many ways. emotional healing
atonement of Jesus Christ. As Elder David A. Bednar witnessed: There is no physical pain, no anguish of soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey that the Savior did not experience first. You and I in a moment of weakness may cry out, No one understands. No one knows. No human being, perhaps, knows. But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did. And because He paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life. He can reach out, touch and succorliterally run to usand strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying only upon our own power. 10 Family members are especially vulnerable to feeling that no one understands their suffering. It is so comforting to know that our Savior does know, does understand and will literally run to us in our time of need.
Learning to process our negative emotions
Using gratitude as a healing tool
Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin taught that gratitude softens our grief and heightens our pleasure.We must let go of the negative emotions that bind our hearts and instead fill our souls with love, faith, and thanksgivingChoice blessings await those who live in thanksgiving daily. 11 Even in our darkest hours there are always blessings that we can be grateful for. When we record in a journal five to ten things that we are grateful for each day we become aware of Heavenly Fathers tender care in our lives. We receive the powerful reassurance that God is watching over us even in the midst of our trials. The scriptures testify of this principle: Fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks.and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good (D&C 98:1-3). Studies of the brain have verified that positive, hopeful and grateful thoughts facilitate a release of chemicals which promote feelings of well-being and peace. Gratitude diminishes the power of the problem and empowers the solution. It releases us from the tight, negative grasp of our present circumstance. 12 We especially need this powerful healing
We are learning to understand that if our negative emotions are not felt and released they will remain deeply buried within us and can lead to serious physical illness and/or psychological problems. It is essential to recognize that the actions of other people, the behaviors of our addicted loved ones or even a change of circumstances will not and cannot provide us with emotional healing. Surrendering our painful emotions to God is giving to Him the hurts and struggles we are experiencing. Heavenly Father does not want us to minimize our reactions to life. He asks that we accept what He gives us and then take to Him our feelings and the truth about our lives whatever they may be. If we can go to Him with absolute openness and say, This is what is happening to me right now and this is what I feel, then He can use that openness as a conduit to teach us how to heal, how to repent, and forgive, and how to love. 14
Steps we take to surrender our fearful emotions

1. Identify our fears: Fear is the core emotion from which all other negative emotions arise, so we begin by writing a fear list. No fear is too small to be included in this list. For example: I am afraid that my loved one is never going to get recovery. I am fearful of what will happen
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step two
Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to spiritual and emotional health. to me and our family if we get a divorce. I am afraid that my addicted loved one may go to prison or suffer an early death. our lives. We are learning to let go and let God. God can heal a broken heart, but you have to give Him all the pieces. 16 For the Lord has promised to heal our broken hearts and to set at liberty them that are bruised; to give power to the faint [and] to heal the wounded soul (See Luke 4:18, Isaiah 40:29; Jacob 2:8). 17
2. Face and own our fears: We face and own our fears when we admit to ourselves that our fears are controlling our lives. We come to understand that fear literally robs us of our faith. We can choose to either hold on to fear and suffer, or become willing to let our fears go. 3. Prayerfully surrender our emotions to the Savior: In order to surrender our fears to the Lord, we write beside each fear on our list, Even if this happens, I will be alright because the Lord will always sustain me and stand beside me. Because our Savior respects our agency, He will not take from us what we are not willing to give. We become ready to willingly give and completely surrender our fears to Him. We prayerfully ask our Savior to take from us the fearful emotional burdens that are creating so much hopelessness and pain in our lives. Through the grace of our Savior, our emotional struggles can and will be removed and He will give us rest. (See Matthew 11:28) Elder Kent F. Richards taught: "our mortal circumstances may not immediately change, but our pain, worry, suffering, and fear can be swallowed up in His peace and healing balm." 15 Fear and worry betray faith. We can take comfort in knowing that God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). Through His grace our negative emotions can be replaced with the power of hope and the stability of faith. As we trust in Gods will for us and for others, we release our fears about the future and trust the Lords assurance that no matter what happens, He will sustain us. Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you (D&C 68:6). Rather than allowing ourselves to fall back into painful emotions; instead we choose to fall to our knees and surrender our emotional struggles to our Savior, allowing His tender mercies and grace to bless
Divine dependency replaces codependency
Allowing our emotional and spiritual lives to become negatively impacted as a result of the behaviors of our loved ones is defined as codependency. Learning to completely rely upon our Father in Heaven can be defined as divine dependency and is essential in maintaining our emotional and spiritual health. We depend upon our Heavenly Father and learn to say, On my own I cant, but God and I together can. We detach from fear, frustration and hopelessness and attach to God, seeking His strength and grace to guide and comfort our lives. We stop using codependent rescuing, persecuting and suffering behaviors and trust that Heavenly Father will care for us and our loved ones. An increase of prayer and love are needed when addiction is present within the family unit. The intent of mighty prayer is to accept the Lord as the changer of the human heart. When we are frustrated with a loved one, it is hard to focus on loving instead of criticizing.In mighty prayer we can take our frustration to God; then we can take our love to our loved ones. The Father will intervene. 18 We feel secure in Gods ability to care for them and feel relief as we recognize that healing our loved ones is not our job. We strive to always remember not to interfere with Gods plan for them by using codependent behaviors. Only with Gods way is there a promise that those who are faltering can come back. Suffice it to say that unrighteous dominion, improper criticism, and coercion are not the Lords way. [We] can bind the Lord with a promise that in doing things His way[we] will not be tied down in resentment but lifted by the Spirit. 19 An unknown author said, Do not be afraid of tomorrow; for God is already there. Surrendering our fears to God frees us from the worry of what the future may hold and provides the strength to endure all
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step two
Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to spiritual and emotional health. boundaries when we take back control of our own life, stop trying to control the lives of others and seek to remain emotionally healthy. When we feel threatened by the behavior of others, we identify where boundaries are needed and learn to communicate our boundaries directly and honestly without blaming, shaming, or reacting with rage. (See Appendix 3: Tough Love and Facing Abuse) We come to learn that boundaries give us order and a sense of direction in our lives that restore our selfrespect and empower us to take charge of our lives to be in control of our own healing process.On the flip side, a boundary should not be a brick wall shutting others out. Such a stance is not generated by healthy decisions, but [is] usually a fear-based response to trauma or pain. 24 Making threats to control or punish others is not the same as setting healthy boundaries. We define our own limits, rather than build fences around others in order to confine and control them. We examine our motives and ask ourselves if we are honestly seeking our own physical, emotional and spiritual well-being or if we are seeking to have power over the agency of another. Healthy boundaries are intended to increase the well being of the family, not to manipulate or punish our addicted loved ones. We also learn to set boundaries which will protect us from those who would seek to control, manipulate or abuse us. When we set boundaries we learn to let go of the outcome, which will require courage and a firm trust in God. (See Appendix 2: Codependency, Boundaries and Detaching) As we set personal boundaries we are taking healthy actions toward loving ourselves and others. However, if we become too limiting in our boundaries, always placing ourselves in a protective position, then we lose out on the joy and freedom we are meant to experience in our relationships. We dont want to be doormats, but we dont want to be porcupines either. Doormats get walked on, but porcupines cant be hugged. 25 Seeking the guidance of the Spirit is always essential to setting boundaries. We may need to seek the assistance of a professional counselor with experience in addiction and boundaries to help us identify and implement healthy boundaries.
things. 20 Elder Neal A. Maxwell explained: With enduring comes a willingness, therefore, to press forward even when we are bone weary and would much rather pull off to the side of the road. 21 Our Heavenly Fathers invitation is and always will be: look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not (D&C 6:36).
Choosing to have healthy relationships
While interacting with our addicted loved ones, we may have made mistakes as a result of simply not knowing what else to do. When we know better, we are able to do better. As we let go of codependent thoughts and behaviors we stop blaming ourselves for our loved ones addiction, begin to strengthen our feelings of self worth, and recognize that we cannot solve the problems of others. Codependency will begin to fade when we decide to seek the guidance of the Lord to help us change the way we interact with others, learn to take care of our own needs and cultivate daily habits of spiritual and emotional healing.
Set healthy boundaries
Boundaries are guidelines that we establish to define reasonable, safe and acceptable limits concerning the actions of others and how we will respond when others go beyond those limits. Boundaries are necessary to protect and take care of ourselves. We resolve that we should be treated with love, dignity and respect. We have the courage to say no to the demands of our addicted loved ones that are not in our own or their best interest. We have a right to protect ourselves and choose to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us. When we set healthy boundaries, We are seeking to allow less pain, chaos, abuse, and negative energy into our lives, and were making room for positive experiences. 22 Boundaries help us define what we are responsible for and what we are not responsible for. Three important guidelines for setting boundaries are: dont hurt yourself, dont hurt anyone else [and] dont let anyone hurt you. 23 This hurt can include emotional and/or physical harm. We learn to accept that we are responsible for ourselves and others are responsible for themselves. We know we are setting healthy
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step two
Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to spiritual and emotional health. ries are not useful and effective unless we learn to detach. We are learning to recognize how our persistent negative thought patterns induce negative emotions which encourage unhealthy behaviors. Thoughts such as I could change my loved one if only... or Im afraid of what will happen to them or to me will lead us down a dark path of despair. Placing boundaries on our thought patterns will allow us to let go of our negative emotions. Detaching does not mean we deny our feelings; it allows us to process them in a healthier way. Detaching also involves continuing a caring and loving relationship while not doing for our loved ones the things which they should do for themselves; not rescuing, not enabling and not trying to control and persecute them. Detaching allows us to become free to care and to love in ways that help others and dont hurt ourselves. 28 We also detach from, and let go of, the guilt and shame we may feel as a result of having an addicted family member and we stop blaming ourselves for their challenges. An effective detachment attitude and behavior is to reject destructive thoughts and let go and let God. It means we stop trying to control everybody and everything, and we let God do Gods work. Many of us find this is a delightful concept when we practice it, because God manages things better than we do. 29 Learning to detach with love will require wisdom, patience, courage and practice. (See Appendix 2: Codependency, Boundaries and Detaching)
Let Go and Let God, Detach with Love
To let go or to detach does not mean we stop feeling and showing love and hope for our addicted loved ones. On the surface the words to let go and detach may appear to involve turning away from our addicted loved ones. The truth is, detaching is learning to relate with our addicted loved ones in a more compassionate and respectful manner. 26 We are learning how to have healthier relationships by letting go of and detaching from our negative codependent thoughts and behaviors. We are learning to let go of our fear, our anger and our desire to try to force recovery. We learn to detach from thoughts, behaviors and false beliefs that create more pain, stress and heartache for ourselves and others. When we accept that we are powerless over the negative emotions which feed our compulsive, codependent behaviors, the black cloud of despair will begin to lift. Processing and surrendering our negative emotions to our Savior provides freedom and victory over any of the challenges we are facing. Detaching or letting go of a problem doesnt mean that we dont want a solution. It simply means that we wont deplete our inner resources by struggling with something that is beyond our power to accomplish. 27 When we are codependent we become attached to our addicted loved ones problems. Detaching allows us to let go of what we cannot control. Detaching is not possible without setting boundaries and bounda-
the promise of step two

Elder Richard G. Scott taught: When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose, others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? 30 Family members know that they need help but often dont know where to begin. It is when we fall on our knees, let go of what we think our lives should be and plead for Heavenly Father to guide us to the answers we need, that our lives will begin to change for the better. We will receive the answers to our heartfelt questions and the answers we receive will provide a powerful spiritual growing experience. We will come to understand that adversity does not happen to us. It happens for us. 31 In time, we will come to appreciate that even this trial will give [us] experience and shall be for our good (D&C 122:7, Romans 8:28).
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step two
Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to spiritual and emotional health. powerful hands will restore our sight, and allow us to walk free from the paralyzing effect of despair and hopelessness. His loving grace will resurrect our hope, restore our spiritual and emotional health and heal our wounds. (Jeremiah 30: 17) We remember the admonition of Paul [We] can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth [us] (Philippians 4:13). No matter how difficult it may be for us and our loved ones, there is no challenge that cannot be overcome, for Is anything too hard for the Lord? (Genesis 18:14). Our souls become anchored in this powerful truth as President Dieter F. Uchtdorf testified: No matter our distress, no matter our sorrow, no matter our mistakes, our infinitely compassionate Heavenly Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us. 35 We are comforted when we remember, Faith is not knowing what the future holds, but knowing who holds the future. 36
We can become whole through Christ even if we currently feel broken. We will invite Gods power into our lives as we exercise faith that He can bring peace to our souls regardless of what others are doing. Elder Richard G. Scott counseled: Many of you suffer needlessly from carrying heavy burdens because you do not open your hearts to the healing power of the Lordlay the burden at the feet of the Savior. He has invited you to do that so that you can be free from pointless worry and depression. 32 As we apply our faith in the healing hands of our Savior, we will experience for ourselves as Elder Walter F. Gonzlez testified: Thanks to Him, wounded souls may be healed and broken hearts may be mended. There is no burden that He cannot ease or remove. 33 Elder Neal A. Maxwell also testified that we are in the Lords hands. and what hallowed hands! 34 His hallowed hands allowed the blind man to see, blessed the lame to walk, and gave life once again to those who had died. These same
working the step

Before we begin this section in the workbook, we prayerfully re-read the Step and underline the information that pertains specifically to our challenges. As we Work the Step we ponder upon the message of the Step principles while we write our answers to the questions provided. As we take the time to write down our feelings, the Spirit will guide our thoughts and help us better understand ourselves and our loved ones. As we continue to write about our journey through the Twelve Steps, we will be able to look back at the written record of our thoughts, gain greater perspective and recognize the progress we are making. Writing is a gift that will bless our lives now and in the future. my spiritual healing find access to them.In all their afflictions he was afflicted. And the angel of his presence saved them, and in his love, and in his pity, he redeemed them, and bore them, and carried them all the days of old (D&C 133:5253). It seems evident that the Lord is afflicted each time we are afflicted, that He will send angels to help us, and that in His love He helps us daily, whether we know it or not. How our hearts ought to be drawn out in gratitude for the grace of the Father and the Son! 37 How does it make me feel to know that my Savior feels and understands my pain? How does this assurance increase my faith? How can I strengthen my belief that He will send help to me daily?
The faith of the pioneers
His love helps me daily
Elder Gene R. Cook taught: Jesus Christ is capable of bearing the problems and challenges that we each face in our daily lives. He will not only help us to be saved at the Judgment Day, but He and His Father will be involved with us on a regular basis if we will
As the pioneers sang as they crossed the plains: Though hard to you this journey may appear, grace shall be as your day. Gird up your loins, fresh courage take, our God will never us forsake. 38 How can I receive the grace of God to sustain me each day? How does remembering that God will
24
step two
Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to spiritual and emotional health. Whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you (3 Nephi 18:20). What spiritual healing do I desire to receive from my Heavenly Father? What can I do to gain the faith that it shall be given unto me?
never forsake me help me to have courage to face my trials?
Choosing hope
President James E. Faust taught: Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope. 39 . . . My peace I give unto you, not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid (John 14:27). What can I do to allow hope to permeate my thoughts and my heart? What can I do to receive peace from my Savior? In what ways has God helped me in the past? How does remembering these experiences strengthen my hope in Him now?
Strength to rise through every trial
President Henry B. Eyring stated: "We all must deal with adversityEven a brave man I knew wept and cried out I have always tried to be good. How could this happen? That aching for an answer to How could this happen? becomes even more painful, when those struggling include those we love. Elder Eyrings comforting answer to that question was: I bear you my testimony that God the Father lives .[and] He can and will give us strength to rise through every trialEven when you feel the truth [that] the Lord [will] deliver you in your trials, it may still test your courage and strength to endure. . . the Lord always suits the relief to the person in need to best strengthen and purify him or her. 42 What can I do to allow God to give me the strength to rise through every trial I may face? What can I do to develop the courage and strength I will need to endure? What can I do to receive the relief that will best strengthen and purify me? divine dependency
Love and hope are connected
Wherefore, ye must press forward with steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men (2 Nephi 31:20). President Dieter F. Uchtdorf explained: God does not need us to love Him. But oh, how we need to love God! For what we love determines what we seek. What we seek determines what we think and do. What we think and do determines who we are and who we will become. 40 How is the love I feel for God related to my ability to feel in my heart a restoration of hope? How does it impact my thoughts and actions?
Turn to Heavenly Father in faith
Ask and receive
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland encouraged: If ye can no more than desire to believethat is enough to beginWhatever your distress, please dont give up and please dont yield to fearBe not afraid, only believe. 41
President Thomas S. Monson explained: In order to be tested, we must sometimes face challenges and difficulties. At times there appears to be no light at the tunnels endno dawn to break the nights darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea Is there no balm in Gilead? We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you,
25
step two
Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to spiritual and emotional health. these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good (D&C 122:7 and Romans 8:28). If we desire to receive such blessings from our trials, we learn that we choose to live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings which he doth bestow upon youwatchful unto prayer continuallyhave patiencedo not revilebear with all manner of afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions (Alma 34: 38 41). Elder Henry B. Eyring spoke of this process: As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had donethat I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day. As that happened, and it happened often, I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done. More than gratitude began to grow in my heart. Testimony grew. I became ever more certain that our Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. I felt more gratitude for the softening and refining that comes because of the Atonement of the Savior Jesus Christ. 46 We also prayerfully ask Heavenly Father to reveal to our minds those blessings that He would have us recognize. We include everything that the Lord reveals to us because there is nothing too small to appreciate. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught no matter our circumstances, no matter our challenges or trials, there is something in each day to embrace and cherish. There is something in each day that can bring gratitude and joy if only we will see and appreciate it. Perhaps we should be looking less with our eyes and more with our hearts. I love the quote: One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes. We are commanded to give thanks in all things. Mosiah 26:39; see also D&C 59:7. So isnt it better to see with our eyes and hearts even the small things we can be thankful for, rather than magnifying the negative in our current condition? 47 As we review our gratitude lists, we allow our hearts to be filled with love for God and others. If we follow this divine principle each day, before long we will feel an increase of love, peace, faith and hope.
but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face. 43 How can faith in my Heavenly Father bring me comfort and strength to weather the storm of having a loved one in addiction?
Christ will lead me out of darkness
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland lovingly reminded us: [Christ] is saying to us. . . If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness. . . I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls. My beloved friends, I know of no other way for us to succeed or to be safe amid lifes many pitfalls and problems. 44 What can I do to allow Christ to lead me out of darkness and bring rest to my soul?
Be filled with His blessed light
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught: As we draw near to Heavenly Father, we become more holy. And as we become more holy, we will overcome disbelief and our souls will be filled with His blessed light. As we align our lives with this supernal light, it leads us out of darkness and toward greater light. This greater light leads to the unspeakable ministerings of the Holy Spirit, and the veil between heaven and earth can become thin. 45 What can I do to be led out of darkness into light? How does the Holy Spirit lead me to greater insights and impressions? my emotional healing
My daily gratitude journal
We choose to be thankful for everything in our lives; for what we have and who we are. It can be a life changing experience when we sincerely express gratitude to our Father in Heaven in prayer for the trials we are currently experiencing. We express our appreciation for His wisdom in allowing us to learn from our own experience. We trust that He will guide us through our trials, and that He will help us learn the lessons that will allow our challenges to bless our lives. We remember the promise of the Lord to the Prophet Joseph Smith, know thou, my son, that all
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step two
Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to spiritual and emotional health. 1. I didnt cause the addiction. 2. I cant control the addiction. 3. I cant cure the addiction. However 4. I can come to understand and accept that addiction is a serious brain disease and become aware of how recovery is possible. (See Appendix 1: Addiction, Recovery, Slips and Relapses) 5. I can come to recognize that the recovery process of those in addiction is their choice and responsibility. 6. I can choose to avoid continually focusing on my loved ones recovery journey because doing so can interfere with my own healing path. 7. I can learn to process my negative emotions and avoid codependent rescuing, persecuting and suffering behaviors. 8. I can come to accept that it is my responsibility, with the help of my Father in Heaven, to discover what I need to do to heal and recover. 9. I can avoid setting expectations about the future that negatively influence my emotional and spiritual health. 10. I can establish healthy boundaries to keep myself spiritually, emotionally and physically safe. 11. I can seek guidance from the Lord for myself, trust in His will, and follow His plan for me. 12. I can receive the comforting assurance that The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength (Psalms. 18: 2) and my true source of hope, healing and peace. I need not fear the future.
1. When is the best time each day for me to write a gratitude list? 2. What tender mercies and smallest of blessings from God am I recognizing? 3. What am I learning that is becoming a blessing in my life? 4. How can I see with my heart and choose to focus on the blessings in my life? 5. How is God comforting and guiding me? (D&C 98:1-3) 6. How can I learn to feel gratitude and allow todays test to become tomorrows testimony?
Understanding Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are essential if your loved one is trapped in addiction. Think of them as a psychological fence between people: this is you, and this is me. We are separate. Our boundaries help to establish guidelines about suitable behavior and responsibilities. Boundaries build win-win relationships. I can be good to both you and me through healthy boundaries. 48 How can understanding boundaries help me develop more healthy behaviors? (Read Appendix 2: Boundaries)
Letting Go and Detaching with Love
Detaching with love is an essential tool that we use to let go of codependency. If we do not learn to detach in a healthy manner, we become so attached to fear and worry that we can lose our strength and ability to function in life. How can letting go and detaching help me find peace? (Read Appendix 2: Letting Go and Detaching with Love)
The 12 Cs of Emotional and Spiritual Healing
Al-anon has a list of three things that family members cannot do. Listed below you will find the 3 Cs followed by additional information written by the authors of this workbook. Numbers 4-12 on this list provide guidance for what we can do, which is more significant than what we cant do.
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step two

Turning to God for healing
I recognized that I was vulnerable to hopelessness when I allowed my own expectations for my husbands recovery to sabotage my faith in Gods power. I learned I had to focus on my own healing and seek Gods help for me. As I felt His help and comfort, my hope increased. This is where I need to be. This is where I want to be- turning to God with faith. gressed to such a powerful state that I could not eat or sleep. Not only was I becoming emotionally despondent, but my physical health deteriorated as my extreme weight loss and lack of sleep endangered my health. I was exhibiting a suffering behavior of codependency. As I prayed for help, the Lord helped me recognize that I had to face my fear, identify the thoughts that fed my fear and accept that no matter what happened I would be okay. As I learned to accept that I was powerless over my fear and surrendered it to Him, He took away my fear and restored my peace and hope.
A father shared about Step Two
I have seen many miracles in my life and have always believed strongly in the power of God to cause mighty change. So what I wanted from God, and often prayed for to bring about my spiritual peace, was a sudden change of heart in my son. I wanted my son to no longer desire drugs but to turn from his addiction and seek what was promised him in his patriarchal blessing. At first I hoped Step Two was all about helping me develop enough faith so God could make this happen. Now, as I study, pray and learn from this Step, I find that my restoration to peace comes through knowing and believing that God is truly a caring and loving Father and that He has been, is and will always be with me, my loved ones and all mankind. By allowing faith in this concept to be the foundation for what I think, feel, say or do, I can be at peace regardless of what does or does not happen around me.
Glimpses of Hope
Hope was very hard to find in the first weeks and months after my husband confessed his addiction. Most of the time I worried that our marriage was over and I would never be happy again. Yet, there were times during those painful days always when I was either studying my scriptures or kneeling in prayer that I felt glimpses of hope. They were fleeting, yet I hung onto them with everything I could. The memory of those sweet promptings kept me going through some very difficult times, and sustained me until my faith grew and my hope was completely renewed.
God spoke to me through the scriptures
Finding hope in Gods promises
Once I embraced the truth that I can believe Christ, I felt hope rather than despair and peace rather than turmoil. I can believe all He has said and all He has promised. If I come to Him, He will make my burdens light, He will give me rest, He will heal my soul and He will make me whole once again.
Overcoming fear
I felt deep sadness and shock when my adult son revealed that he had been struggling for several years with a pornography addiction. Even though he began attending Twelve Step meetings, reading books on recovery and seeing a family therapist experienced in addiction, I descended into a deep abyss of fear that he may not find recovery. My fear pro-
I felt the spirit whisper strongly to me through scriptures as I read Ether 4:15. Through pondering and praying for direction, I began to understand the message the Spirit was trying to give me. I needed to rend the veil of [pain] which was causing me to remain in a state of anger, betrayal, hurt and a broken heart. If I would pray with an attitude of forgiveness and a contrite heart, then I would feel the peace that the Lord was trying to give me. When I wrote this insight in my journal, tears filled my eyes. Without a shadow of a doubt, I could feel the Spirit speaking to me and filling me with the Saviors love. Never had the Spirit touched me so profoundly and brought me so much peace. When I feel myself becoming overcome with fear, anger, and pain, I know that I can tear the veil that covers my eyes from the wondrous love the Savior has for me. I can let go of the anger, betrayal and hurt because I have been promised by
28
step two
Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to spiritual and emotional health. tremble I remember to turn to the true source of strength and comfort.
my Savior that He always remembers me and loves me. What a beautiful and amazing truth!
A tender mercies journal
This Step was a beautiful realization to me that I could become emotionally and spiritually healthy while the healing of my damaged relationship took place. Learning about letting go of the negative thoughts and behaviors in my life and replacing them with hope was what I needed in order to move on. I needed permission to let go and allow God to be my guide. I knew that He could heal both of us, and I felt such gratitude. I began a tender mercies journal to record all the little things that were happening to me every day that were reminders of the Lords love for me. Through this I found so many reasons to continue to hope-even on the days when circumstances with my spouse seemed so overwhelmingly discouraging.
Facing painful emotions
I held on to the false belief that I would feel better when my husband got better. Even when he found recovery I still felt feelings of betrayal, anger and resentment. I continued to obsessively question and check up on him. I would accuse him of hiding his addiction. Because he was working on recovery, his life was changing and becoming peaceful, while mine was still in turmoil. Why couldnt I accept that he was getting better and why didnt I feel better? I finally learned that unless I faced my own painful emotions and behaviors I would still struggle and suffer. I began to accept my powerlessness over myself, and that I needed Gods help to get better. scripture references and endnotes Psalms 147:3; Hebrews 13:5; 2 Nephi 31:19; D&C 90:24; D&C 98:1-3; Matthew 11:28; 2 Timothy 1:7; D&C 68:6; Luke 4:18; Isaiah 40:29; Jacob 2:8; D&C 6:36; D&C 122:7; Romans 8:28; Jeremiah 30: 17; Philippians 4:13; Genesis 18:14; D&C 133:52-53; Alma 34:3841; Mosiah 26:39; D&C 59:7; D&C 98:1-3; John 14:27; 2 Nephi 31:20; 3 Nephi 18:20; Psalms 18:2; Ether 4:15.
1
Releasing anger and resentments
My husband began to go to Twelve Step meetings to find sobriety and recovery from sexual addiction. He would tell me that he had several months of sobriety, but I wouldnt believe him. I would cut him off and tell him that I didnt think he would ever get better. One day, while in prayer, I began to realize that I was judging him and not allowing my opinion of him to change. I was harboring anger and resentment toward him and trying to punish him. I had allowed my negative emotions to control what I perceived to be the truth. I learned to take responsibility for my own feelings. I told him I was sorry, and I began to pray for the spirit to help me believe that the Savior could heal my husband and especially heal me and help me overcome my anger and resentments. I was in need of both emotional and spiritual renewal and healing.
My hope in Christ is strong
Step Two opened my thinking patterns to a higher level. My out of control thoughts often have been my demise anyway. I have learned that I do not have to solve everything. I often repeat to myself: I cant but God can. My hope in Christ has become so strong that I gratefully turn to His healing power if I ever stop losing control of my life. I know of His love, I know of His wisdom, I know He wants to restore me, heal me and save me. Whenever I begin to shake and
James E. Faust, He Healeth the Broken in Heart, Ensign, Jul 2005 2 Tad R. Callister, Fear Not, Ensign, Dec 2010 3 Daniel G. Amen M.D. (physician & psychiatrist), ANT Therapy, found on the internet, http://ahha.org/articles.asp?Id=100 4 Kevin W. Pearson, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, Ensign, May 2009 5 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, The Infinite Power of Hope, Ensign, Nov 2008 6 Neal A. Maxwell, Hope through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, Ensign, Nov 1998 7 Thomas S. Monson, Be of Good Cheer, Ensign, May 2009 8 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, The Infinite Power of Hope, Ensign, Nov 2008 9 Jeffrey R. Holland, Broken Things to Mend, Ensign, May 2006 10 David A. Bednar, BYU Devotional, In the Strength of the Lord, Oct. 23, 2001 11 Joseph B. Wirthlin, Live in Thanksgiving Daily, Ensign, Sep 2001, 12 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 51 13 Thomas S. Monson, An Attitude of Gratitude, Ensign, May 1992 14 Martha Beck A World of Experience, Ensign, May 1992
29
step two
Kent F. Richards, "The Atonement Covers All Pain," Ensign, May 2011 16 Author Unknown 17 Sheri L. Dew, Our Only Chance, Ensign, May 1999 18 Dr. John L. Lund, Without Offense, 125 19 Dr. John L. Lund, Without Offense, 74 20 The Articles of Faith, 13 21 Neal A. Maxwell, Endure It Well, Ensign, May 1990 22 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 221 23 Melody Beattie, The New Codependency, 31 24 Rod W. Jeppsen, Lord, I Believe, Help Thou Mine Unbelief, 285 25 Melody Beattie, The New Codependency, 31 26 Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 86 27 Al-Anon Family Groups, Discovering Choices, 218 28 Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, 57 29 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 224 30 Richard G. Scott, Trust in the Lord, Ensign, Nov 1995 31 Steven A. Cramer, Conquering Your Own Goliaths, 1988, 69 32 Richard G. Scott, To Be Free of Heavy Burdens, Ensign, Nov 2002 33 Walter F. Gonzlez, Learning with Our Hearts, Ensign, Nov 2012 34 Neal A. Maxwell, Willing to Submit, Ensign, May 1985 35 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, The Love of God, Ensign, Nov 2009 36 Author unknown 37 Gene R. Cook, The Grace of the Lord, New Era, Dec 1988 38 Hymn, Come, Come Ye Saints, lyrics by William Clayton, LDS Hymnal, 30 39 James E. Faust, Hope, an Anchor of the Soul, Ensign, Nov 1999 40 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, The Love of God, Ensign, Nov 2009 41 Jeffrey R. Holland, Broken Things to Mend, Ensign, May 2006 42 Henry B. Eyring, Adversity, Ensign, May 2009 43 Thomas S. Monson, Looking Back and Moving Forward, Ensign, May 2008 44 Jeffrey R. Holland, Broken Things to Mend, Ensign, May 2006 45 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, The Love of God, Ensign, Nov 2009 46 Henry B. Eyring, O Remember, Remember, Ensign, Nov 2007 47 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Of Regrets and Resolutions, Ensign, Nov 2012 48 10 Examples of Clear Boundaries, www.tgcoy.com/addiction
15
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step three
Decide to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.

n Step Three we let go of our anxious efforts to resolve our situation, put our faith into action and make a decision to completely surrender our will and our lives to the care of God. We decide to trust that Gods way can and will work. We become willing to place ourselves in a position in which, no matter what happens in our lives, we can trust that we will be guided and cared for. We are no longer in charge. By placing ourselves in the care of God, we put ourselves in much more capable hands. 1
day at a time.Trusting that He will make all things right, if I surrender to His will [Step Three]. 4 There is another simple Twelve Step motto that is often used to convey this same powerful message: I cant [Step One], God can [Step Two], and I will let Him [Step Three]. 5 We comprehend that until we fully apply Steps One and Two, we will not be able to completely surrender our will to God in Step Three.
The Tandem Bike Analogy
Elder Neal A. Maxwell explained the blessings of this decision: As ones will is increasingly submissive to the will of God, he can receive inspiration and revelation so much needed to help meet the trials of life. Progression toward submission confers another blessing: an enhanced capacity for joy.the submission of ones will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on Gods altar. 2 Turning our life over to the care of God provides relief and a peaceful assurance that He is in charge. We allow Him to guide us in resolving the difficult challenges we face. Now we are called upon to surrender our will and our lives, to surrender ourselves completely.We have learned that clinging desperately to an unmanageable way of life doesnt work. It is only when we let go of our desperation that we begin to truly live our lives. We are like drowning swimmers: by struggling to save our lives, we sink even deeper; by relaxing, we float to the surface. When we are willing to give up our lives, we can truly gain them.We can be confident that God is always there for us and always desires the greatest good for us. Anyone can begin to tap into this source. To do so, we must only be willing. 3
The Serenity Prayer
Twelve Step groups read this spiritual petition to provide perspective on how to trust in Gods plan. As we read the words of the prayer we recognize the principles of Steps One, Two and Three. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change [Step One], the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom [which comes as inspiration from God] to know the difference. [Step Two], Living one
We may have previously believed we were turning our will over to God when, in reality, we were pleading for the Lord to follow our own plan. The following narrative clearly demonstrates this confused application of Step Three: When I decided to give my life over to the care of God, it seemed as though I was riding on a tandem bike with my Savior, Jesus Christ, sitting behind me on the back seat. I found it extremely difficult to steer the bike around the narrow corners and treacherous obstacles in my path. The uphill climb was exhausting so I pleaded with my Savior to pedal harder. As a result of not having the ability to avoid unseen dangers, I frequently collided with obstacles and suffered multiple injuries and became deeply discouraged. After several mishaps, my Savior asked: Might I steer for a while? I reluctantly agreed and climbed on the back of the bike and began pedaling. I watched in wonder as my Savior maneuvered the bicycle through every obstacle and navigated safely through every danger we encountered. Whenever I told Him that I was afraid, He would lean back and touch me with comforting assurance. When I needed rest, He would allow me to see how far we had come and then He graciously gave me additional strength to continue pedaling. He directed me to people and information which helped me gain wisdom and understanding. Through this learning experience and as a result of His grace, my burdens were lifted and I was healed from my wounds. Now I finally understand the message of this story. I can let go of my fears and completely trust that God will always safely direct my path. I willingly and gratefully invite Him to do the steering in my life, and when I feel that Im not making any progress, my Savior lovingly reminds me to trust Him in all things and to keep pedaling. 6
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step three

Learn to walk by faith
When we are overwhelmed by the challenges of our addicted loved ones, we yearn for answers and desperately feel we need immediate solutions. Elder Richard G. Scott gave the following counsel: Trust in Godno matter how challenging the circumstance .Your peace of mind, your assurance of answers to vexing problems, your ultimate joy depends upon your trust in Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. 7 We develop trust in God when we become willing to yield our hearts, our desires and our expectations to Him. (See Helaman 3:29) When we are overcome by fear, discouragement and despair we find it difficult to have hope for our future and for the future of our loved ones. It is essential during these times of discouragement that we remember that Heavenly Father is working His perfect plan and timing for all of us. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland reminded us, Every person in every era has had to walk by faith into what has always been some uncertainty. This is the plan. Just be faithful. God is in charge. He knows your name and He knows your need. 8 When we learn to place our complete trust in Gods will, we will not necessarily have fewer trials, but we will always receive an endowment of spiritual strength, comfort and guidance to sustain us. What greater blessing can we receive than this assurance? ence of the Holy Spirit can be overcome or masked by strong emotions, such as anger[or] fear. 10 There is a solution: to become open to Gods heavenly channel of communication, we need to let go of anxieties and learn to become emotionally and spiritually still and listen for His comforting guidance. We completely turn our lives over to the care of God who is the only long term provider of peace. We will receive direction as quickly as we become willing to trust in God and follow His direction. As we trust that God hears our prayers, we learn to exercise patience. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf assured us that the answers to our prayers come in the Lords due time. Sometimes we may become frustrated that the Lord has delayed answering our prayers. In such times we need to understand that He knows what we do not know. He sees what we do not see. Trust in Him. He knows what is best for His child, and being a perfect God, He will answer our prayers perfectly and in the perfect time. 11
Trust in Gods will
Pray and patiently wait for answers
In order to survive the turbulent storms of life, we seek heavenly shelter. Prayer is at the center of this protective abode. Elder Richard G. Scott explained: I wonder if we can ever really fathom the immense power of prayer until we encounter an over-powering, urgent problem and realize that we are powerless to resolve it. Then we will turn to our Father in humble recognition of our total dependence on Him. 9 If our minds and hearts are cluttered with negative thoughts as a result of emotional pain, it is difficult to receive inspiration and direction from the Lord. We may struggle to feel or hear the guidance of the Spirit. Elder Scott also taught: The inspiring influ-
Elder Henry B. Eyring explained: Many of us, in moments of personal anguish, feel that God is far from us. The pavilion that seems to intercept divine aid does not cover God but occasionally covers us. God is never hidden, yet sometimes we are, covered by a pavilion of motivations that draw us away from God and make Him seem distant and inaccessible. Our own desires, rather than a feeling of Thy will be done, create the feeling of a pavilion blocking God. God is not unable to see us or communicate with us, but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to His will and His time Submitting fully to heavens willis essentialBut it does not guarantee immediate answers to our prayersThe Lords delays often seem long; some last a lifetime. But they are always calculated to bless. 12 There will be times when we need courage to follow Gods will. As a result of fear, doubt or anger, we may be tempted to do things our way. We may hold back because we are consumed by the worries of our current situation. Our faith may be sorely tested during these times. Elder Neal A. Maxwell encour-
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step three
Decide to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. us to believe and accept, God has a plan, [we] have a part. Find it, follow it. 16 We are comforted to know that God is working on us and others even without our knowledge. Finding our part in Gods plan requires that we prayerfully seek His guidance through the assistance of the still small voice (1 Kings 19:12). We are learning to believe, and remember, our Heavenly Fathers plan is always better than our own. Elder John K. Carmack taught us how to follow Gods plan: While its the harder pathway, the Lord is aware of [all] people who have been caught in addictive behaviors and is watching patiently over them as they learn through their own experience about good and evil.There is no one right way to reach them. Seeking help from the Lord in prayer may be the best or only way we can obtain needed direction specific for our situation.Drawing very close to the Lord and seeking the Spirits guidance can help us know what steps to take. 17
aged us: Trust yourselves to the Lord who sees the end from the beginningand all that is in between! 13 Giving our will completely to our Father in Heaven is a step by step learning process. Elder Maxwell explained: Spiritual submissiveness is not accomplished in an instant, but by the incremental improvements and by the successive use of steppingstones. Stepping-stones are meant to be taken one at a time anyway. Eventually our wills can be swallowed up in the will of the Father as we are willing to submiteven as a child doth submit to his father. 14
Find our part in Gods plan
Elder David A. Bednar explained: "Humble, earnest, and persistent prayer enables us to recognize and align ourselves with the will of our Heavenly Father.The object of our prayers should not be to present a wish list or a series of requests but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is eager to bestow, according to His will and timing. 15 Our faith and trust in Heavenly Father allows
the promise of step three

Surrendering to and trusting in Gods plan for us, allows us to look forward to and enjoy a greater future than any we could have had if we had followed our own plan. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught this important understanding when he said: "God expects you to have enough faith, determination, and trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. He expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace [it] .God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He cant if you dont pray.He cant if you dont believe. 18 Believing in Gods plan and trusting that He does desire the best future for us and our loved ones provides us with the hope and courage we need to completely follow His will in all things. We have the assurance through the scriptures that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions (Alma 36:3). Elder Richard G. Scott also testified: "The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. That progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether initially it be to your individual liking or not. When you trust in the Lord, when you are willing to let your heart and your mind be centered in His will, when you ask to be led by the Spirit to do His will, you are assured of the greatest happiness along the way and the most fulfilling attainment from this mortal experience." 19 As we trust Gods plan we do not allow ourselves to focus on the hows and whens of His plan. Elder Neal A. Maxwell explained that when we trust in God it means we trust also His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best? 20 In time, with patience and an abiding trust in Heavenly Father, our vision of His plan will expand and come into view. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf testified: We all search for happiness, and we all try to find our own happily
33
step three
Decide to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. your good, your happiness.All you have to do is trust your Heavenly Father. Trust Him enough to follow His plan. 21
ever after. The truth is, God knows how to get there! And He has created a map for you; He knows the way. He is your beloved Heavenly Father, who seeks
working the step

Before we begin this section in the workbook, we prayerfully re-read the Step and underline the information that pertains specifically to our challenges. As we Work the Step we ponder upon the message of the Step principles while we write our answers to the questions provided. As we take the time to write down our feelings, the Spirit will guide our thoughts and help us better understand ourselves and our loved ones. As we continue to write about our journey through the Twelve Steps, we will be able to look back at the written record of our thoughts, gain greater perspective and recognize the progress we are making. Writing is a gift that will bless our lives now and in the future. choosing to walk by faith What can I do to trust Gods guidance instead of trusting my own understanding? In what ways have I tried to counsel the Lord? choosing to pray
Prayer is the key to heaven
Elder Boyd K. Packer taught: Learn to pray. Pray often. Pray in your mind, in your heart. Pray on your knees. Prayer is your personal key to heaven. The lock is on your side of the veil. And I have learned to conclude all my prayers with Thy will be done. 23 Ye must pour out your souls in your closets, and your secret places, and in your wilderness. Yea, and when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you (Alma 34:27). What do I need to do to make prayer part of my daily life? What can I do to unlock my side of the veil? How can I learn to end my prayers with, Thy will be done? choosing to trust in gods will
Draw near unto me
Speaking of the Savior, President Hugh B. Brown taught: He does not promise that it will be an easy journey, but He does promise that the necessary assistance and guidance will be available. He has said, Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you (D&C 88:63). 22 What can I do to diligently seek my Heavenly Father and my Savior? How can I come to believe that whatever I ask, I will receive according to His will?
Faith and acceptance of Gods will
Lean not unto thine own understanding
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). Seek not to counsel the Lord, but to take counsel from his hand (Jacob 4:10).
Elder Dallin H. Oaks stated: The conviction that the Lord knows more than we do and that He will answer our prayers in the way that is best for us and for all of his other children is a vital ingredient of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. 24 How can I come to believe that Heavenly Father is working all things together for my goodeven when they arent happening as I had hoped? How can I increase my faith in Gods guidance? (See Alma 32:3334)
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step three
Decide to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. cheerfully? How can I learn to submit cheerfully? How does keeping a gratitude journal help me to submit cheerfully to Gods will? finding my part in gods plan
The Serenity Prayer
In general conference, Elder Harold B. Lee encouraged church members to ponder the principles as taught in the Serenity Prayer of AA. (See Harold B. Lee, Conference Reports, April 3, 1956, 107) God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time...Trusting that He will make all things right, if I surrender to His will. How can I use the principles in the Serenity Prayer to help me with my daily challenges?
Seek revelation and follow it
Gods support comes a portion at a time
Elder Richard G. Scott explained: When you pass through trials for His purposes, as you trust Him, exercise faith in Him, He will help you. That support will generally come step by step, a portion at a time. While you are passing through each phase, the pain and difficulty that comes from being enlarged will continue. If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition, you could not grow. Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love. 25 The Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord (Mosiah 24:15). How can I come to trust that Gods plan will bless me and those I love? Why is it important to submit
Elder Richard G. Scott explained: Spirituality yields two fruits. The first is inspiration to know what to do. The second is power, or the capacity to do it. These two capacities come together. Thats why Nephi could say, I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded. He knew the spiritual laws upon which inspiration and power are based. Yes, God answers prayer and gives us spiritual direction when we live obediently and exercise the required faith in Him. 26 Elder Russell M. Nelson taught: To access information from heaven, one must first have a firm faith and a deep desire. One needs to ask with a sincere heart [and] real intent, having faith in [Jesus] Christ (Moroni 10:4). Real intent means that one really intends to follow the divine direction given. 27 When I receive revelation from God, how can I have the courage to follow it? As I read Elder Scotts complete talk what else can I learn about receiving guidance from the Lord? How have I been applying faith and real intent in my prayers and in following the will of God? What knowledge am I receiving concerning my part in Gods plan?

Step Three and Fear
After years of trying to fix and save my addicted son, I was ready to trust God. All of my efforts had resulted in anxiety attacks, sleepless nights, and overall loss of good health. Still my son was not recovering. I knew I had to turn him over to the Lord. I prayed to my Heavenly Father, expressing my fears. I said, But, Heavenly Father, letting him go feels like dropping my son off the edge of a cliff. Then into my mind came stillness and the words, I will catch him. A peace came into my soul and I knew that He would. And He has!
Trust the Lord
My husband and I have dealt with our sons addictions to crystal meth, alcohol, marijuana and many other substances since he was 13 years old. His biological father began giving him drugs at that age. We did everything to control, fix, force, argue and to try to help this child with his addictions. Nothing
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step three
worked. It wasnt until we got out of the way and turned our son over to the care of the Lord, that we were able to stop enabling him and contributing to the problem. Our changes in the way we reacted created an opportunity for him to seek help. All we could do was direct him to recovery. We had faith that God was working with our loved one in addiction and that God would help him when he was ready and willing to invite God into his life. It wasnt until he chose to change and clean up his life that his life changed. Our son knows what recovery looks like. He knows that Jesus lives, and he knows that when he opens that door, he can return to the grace of the Lord. When a crisis happens, when his life is unmanageable, we simply refer our son to what he knows is trueto seek help from the Lord. Heavenly Father is always waiting; He is there with open arms waiting for us to turn to Him, to invite His spirit to guide us, and to remedy the pain and turmoil of our circumstances. Often for me, peace comes when I live what I know is true, and that is to trust in the Lord with all my heart.
Trust God to remove a mountain
I gratefully surrender my will
Gratitude has empowered me and helped me to continue to surrender my will to God. I thank my Heavenly Father for everything I experience each day, even situations which are confusing or upsetting. I now believe that every experience in my life is a gift. When I am grateful even for my challenges, and when I let go and let God, they become great blessings in my life. As I applied the Twelve Steps, my life changed. Having a loved one in addiction has become a blessing because of what I have learned and how I have changed. I have learned to choose thoughts that support hope and trust in God. I have embraced new attitudes about myself and others and as a result my behaviors have become more productive and peaceful, even when I face trials. Each day when I arise, I kneel in prayer to ask for His guidance for my day. I do not tell my Father what I need Him to do; I ask what He would have me do. I let go of the worry and the frustrations of my unknown future and rest them in the capable and loving hands of my Savior. Learning to trust Him completely brings peace and reassurance that He is in charge and He knows the way.
After a particularly difficult day, I knelt in prayer at my bedroom window which overlooked a very large mound of dirt that construction workers had piled there a few years before. I had always resented the fact that this dirt mountain was placed right outside my window. In a desperate moment, I told the Lord that I knew He could remove that big, ugly mountain from my backyard and I knew that He could remove this overwhelmingly ugly problem of sexual addiction from my marriage. I went to sleep that night feeling so discouraged. The next morning, I awoke to find the smallest backhoe taking one little scoop of that big mountain at a time and putting it in a dump truck. It was going to take a very long time for that little backhoe to move the mountain. I then realized that the Lord had heard my prayer and was, in fact, moving that mountain in my backyardone little piece at a time. I understood at that moment that He was going to move the mountain of my husbands sexual addiction in our marriage too. It would be a slow process, but the miracle could and would happen. Today that huge mountain behind my house is gone, and where it once stood is a lovely park. I trust in the Lord that someday there wont be any trace of the ugly mound that pornography once formed in our marriage. Instead there will be only the beauty of the healing power of the Atonement of our Savior.
My plans
After trying to solve my problems my way and having no success, I was at last open to follow the will of the Lord. I had hit bottom! I willingly turned the saving of my own soul and all those I loved, over to my Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. I trusted Him for the first time to take everything! I will forever and ever be grateful that I have come to understand Step One (my powerlessness), and fully apply Steps Two and Three. I now practice remembering to rely completely on my Saviors power, love, tender mercies, and redemption in my life and the lives of those I love. As I practice remembering, He gently guides my steps and I feel His peace as never before. I believe Him. He is enough. He is everything.
Flying through fog
As I began to apply the Twelve Steps in my life, I had a dream that opened up my vision of the meaning of
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step three
Decide to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. scripture references and endnotes Helaman 3:29; 1 Kings 19:12; Alma 36:3; D&C 88:63; Alma 34:27; Alma 32:33-34; Proverbs 3:5; Jacob 4:10; Mosiah 24:15; Moroni 10:4.
Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 51 Neal A. Maxwell, Swallowed Up in the Will of the Father, Ensign, Nov 1995 3 S-Anon International Family Groups, S-Anon Twelve Steps, 27 4 Author unknown 5 Author unknown 6 Author Unknown, revised by the authors of Healing Through Christ workbook 7 Richard G. Scott, The Sustaining Power of Faith in Times of Uncertainty and Testing, Ensign, May 2003 8 Jeffrey R. Holland, This, the Greatest of All Dispensations, Ensign, Jul 2007 9 Richard G. Scott, Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer, Ensign, May 2007 10 Richard G. Scott, To Acquire Spiritual Guidance, Ensign, Nov 2009 11 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Prayer and the Blue Horizon, Ensign, Jun 2009 12 Henry B. Eyring, Where Is the Pavilion?, Ensign, Nov 2012 13 Neal A. Maxwell, I Am But a Lad, New Era, Feb 2002 14 Neal A. Maxwell, Consecrate Thy Performance, Liahona, Jul 2002 15 David A. Bednar, Ask in Faith, Ensign, May 2008 16 Dick B., The Oxford Group & Alcoholics Anonymous, 4 17 John K. Carmack, When Our Children Go Astray, Ensign, Feb 1997 18 Jeffrey R. Holland, This, the Greatest of All Dispensations, Ensign, Jul 2007 19 Richard G. Scott, Finding Joy in Life, Ensign, May 1996 20 Neal A. Maxwell, Even As I Am (1982), 93 21 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Your Happily Ever After, Ensign, May 2010 22 Hugh B. Brown, Salvation Is My Goal, New Era, Dec 1974 23 Boyd K. Packer, Prayer and Promptings, Ensign, Nov 2009 24 Dallin H. Oaks, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, Ensign, May 1994 25 Richard G. Scott, "Trust in the Lord," Ensign, Nov 1995 26 Richard G. Scott, To Acquire Spiritual Guidance, Ensign, Nov 2009 27 Russell M. Nelson, Ask, Seek, Knock, Ensign, Nov 2009
2 1
Step Three. I dreamed I was flying in a plane. As I looked around me, I realized that I was the only passenger on the plane. When I looked out the window, the fog was so thick I didnt know where I was or where I was going. I looked in the cockpit and discovered that there was no pilot flying the plane. As I sat back down in my seat, I began to become fearful of what was going to happen to me. I looked out the window and noticed that the fog had parted, and I could see the runway approaching. To my astonishment, the plane landed safely. As I pondered the meaning of the dream, I began to comprehend the lesson I was being taught. My Father in Heaven is the pilot of the plane. I cannot visibly see Him flying me through the fog and unknown course ahead, but I can trust that He is there piloting my life. He will bring me to safety.
The three pennies
Early one morning after my family had left the house for work and school, I found myself in a state of utter despair, sobbing alone in my house. As I sat there, tears streamed down my face and my heart was drawn to my Heavenly Father in prayer. I prayed to be blessed with the love of Christ to fill my soul and to restore peace to my broken heart. I also felt to pray for others in my family who were also suffering, that they too might be blessed with Christ's love and light. After a time, I felt the pain and sorrow lift and was able to go about my day. As I began cleaning my kitchen, I went to my pantry to put away some unopened boxes of cereal. As I reached up to set them on the second shelf from the top, I felt some loose coins sitting there. I thought to myself, How did this money get clear up here? Taking the three small coins off the shelf, I realized they were pennies. An immediate impression came to my mind, Step Three: Trust in God or as is written on each of the pennies, In God We Trust. My heart was filled with amazement and joy! I was reminded that I wasnt alone! The Lord was aware of me and my situation. At that moment, I was given a firm confirmation that I should continue to put my trust in God. Now, whenever I see a penny, I am reminded of Step Three and that I can trust that He is always there to take care of me and my loved ones.
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step four
Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of ourselves.

tep Four is referred to as the searching for truth step. We begin our pursuit of truth as we write a complete and honest inventory of ourselves. We write about our strengths and our weaknesses, our happy recollections as well as those that are not so happy. As we look within, we lay a foundation of self-understanding that can become life changing. President Brigham Young shared the following wisdom concerning this concept: The greatest lesson you can learn is to know yourselves. 1 We will come to know ourselves as we inventory events from our past. Through our inventory, we analyze past experiences and identify our feelings, reactions and perceptions of what happened. We then ponder what we can learn about ourselves. We invite the Spirit of the Lord to guide us as we conduct a searching and fearless moral inventory, which will help us to look at ourselves through the light of truth. Like the Psalmist we plead: Send out thy light and thy truth: let them lead me (Psalms 43:2-3).
Courageously search for the truth
Working Step Four is an act of self-love, for it helps us take the focus off [our addicted loved ones] and encourages us to take time to pay attention to ourselvesthe only person we can help. 2 This inventory is a vital step that will help us learn from our struggles and hurts as well as our successes and pleasant memories. It is a step that empowers us to face our current circumstances with courage and deeper understanding. Step Four is meant to be a complete inventory or accountingjust as a business would take. Our moral inventory is a list of characteristics, thought and behavior patterns, relationships, and events that make us who we are today.The key to Step Four is that it be taken fearlessly, free from judgment.By looking at and accepting ourselves as we truly are, we can make decisions about who we choose to become. 3 As we review these experiences from our lives and recognize our struggles, we come to appreciate the truthful observation made by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf: My dear friends! We are all mortal. I hope this does not come as a surprise to anyone. 4
This Step doesnt tell us to make a critical, hostile, blaming inventory of ourselves. It doesnt tell us endlessly to find fault, hold ourselves irresponsible or over responsible, or others unaccountable. It says: searching and fearless. We dont have to be afraid of what we will find. We simply decide to look within to find ourselves. 5 As we write our inventories, we go deeper, layer by layer, and find areas of our lives that we feel good about, as well as areas that can be difficult to face. We may incorrectly assume that the scripture the natural man is an enemy to God (Mosiah 3:19) only applies to our addicted loved ones. If we ask ourselves, Who is the natural man or natural woman? we come to the realization that it is each of us until we are willing to yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit (Mosiah 3:19). No matter what our spiritual condition, time spent alone with our Heavenly Father in prayer and meditation can lead to insight and personal growth. Through this process, which can be like looking at ourselves in a mirror, we may discover things about ourselves that need changing. 6 Inventories are not meant to be an exercise in self condemnation. Their purpose is to set us free from guilt through honest self-accountability and evaluation. Doing an inventory in this spirit actually helps us to see and accept ourselves with increased compassion and love. All of [the] Steps including the Fourth, are means of positive change. They are not intended to create guilt or diminish an already damaged selfimage. To the contrary, they allow us to observe ourselves as we are, see through our illusions, take care of unresolved issues from the past, make conscious choices here and now, and recognize where to turn for strength, support, and guidance.each [Step] plays a crucial role in restoring us to physical, emotional, and spiritual wholeness. 7 We do not judge our past behaviors by our current level of knowledge and experience. As we learn to look at ourselves in this way, we will begin to feel the love that God has for each of usHis imperfect but precious children. A searching inventory of ourselves helps us recognize distortions in our self-im-
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step four
Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of ourselves. wonderful experiences and our blessings. President Thomas S. Monson taught: I have found that, rather than dwelling on the negative, take a step back and consider the blessings in our lives, including seemingly small, sometimes overlooked blessingsI would recommend this same exercise to younamely, that you take an inventory of your life and look specifically for the blessings, large and small, you have received. 9
age and shows us how to reshape what no longer serves us well. 8 This process can provide awareness of thought patterns, emotions, behaviors and situations that have impacted our lives. Honestly facing these memories and recognizing the truth about ourselves and others can open the door to self-understanding that will allow us to progress even further into the healing process. Our inventories are not meant to solely focus on the negative aspects of our lives. We remember the

Find someone who has completed Step Four
It is valuable to turn to others who have previously finished their Step Four inventories to guide us through the inventory process. Those we contact can encourage us to keep moving forward. A sponsor, who is a friend in recovery, can suggest ways of doing a thorough inventory which will help us avoid self-deception and rationalization. (See Appendix 4: Sponsorship) Our inventory is only between us and the Lord at this point and we move forward at our own pace. Our Step Four inventory does not need to be completed perfectly or within a certain time frame. We focus upon the task at hand and record our recollections for as long as they continue to come to us. We may add to or repeat our inventories as many times as needed. We learn that doing an inventory requires the process of time in order to allow layers of memories from our past to be remembered and evaluated. Other valuable experiences from our lives will continue to be revealed to us through the Spirit of the Lord as we become ready to receive them.
Begin writing
The spiritual tools of prayer and fasting can prepare and sustain us as we begin this process. There are a variety of ways to complete our inventories. Relying upon the guidance of the Spirit, we choose one inventory topic from the Step Four Working the Step section and begin pondering and writing. We may schedule a regular time to write in a journal. We may also keep a notebook nearby to record memories that surface throughout the day. Whatever method we choose, taking time to meditate and record our thoughts and feelings will help the process begin and will open the door allowing further recollections from the past to come to light. Questions at the end of each inventory topic serve as a guide, helping us uncover memories that may be long forgotten. Some compare working a Fourth Step to that of peeling the layers of an onion, one layer at a time, until the core is reached. It matters not how we do it; what matters is that we do it. 10 This process will help us gain understanding and receive the introspective learning experience Heavenly Father desires to give us.
Face painful memories that may arise
In the course of doing a Step Four inventory we may have painful memories from past experiences brought to our consciousness. These may include serious abuse from family members or others. A compassionate, gospel centered therapist experienced with family trauma and Twelve Step work may be needed to help us face these unresolved issues and view them with a new degree of courage. We pray for the Lord to guide us to the help we need. A deeply buried, infected splinter that works its way to the surface will be easier to remove. So too, our painful memories will be easier to remove once they have surfaced through our efforts to acknowledge, validate and address them. As we face our suffering we allow the Master Healer to begin to heal our painful wounds. Elder Shayne M. Bowen taught: as we rely on the Atonement of Jesus ChristWe can be filled with joy, peace, and consolation. All that is un-
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step four
Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of ourselves. ter. I love his line, I am not the man I was. Why is Dickens Christmas Carol so popular?...I personally feel it is inspired of GodIt gives hope. It motivates change. We can turn from the paths which would lead us down andwalk toward the light. 12 The inventory process in Step Four allows us to revisit the events of our past and understand how they have affected our present thoughts and behaviors. As with Scrooge, the purpose of this review is to seek our reclamationto rescue us from error and put us on a rightful course. Even as Scrooge saw himself as an innocent child, we too come to see ourselves in a precious and innocent state and come to have compassion and understanding for ourselves and how we responded towards our life experiences. Therefore, without shame or self-contempt, we become willing to allow our perception of ourselves and our past to be changed as we view them within the light of truth. This reflective process will become a joyful transforming experience in our lives.
fair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. 11
Gain understanding from our past
In Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol, we find a persuasive example of how reviewing our past can transform our lives. Scrooge is told that during the night three spirits will visit him. When Scrooge protests at having his nights sleep interrupted, the Ghost of Christmas Past assures him that what he seeks is Scrooges reclamation. One definition of reclamation is being rescued from error and returning to a rightful course. As Scrooge takes his journey with the Ghost of Christmas Past, he sees the events of his life through the piercing light of truth. He begins to understand how painful experiences and choices from his past have influenced who he has become. This new view of the past awakened in Scrooge a desire to make changes in the present. President Thomas S. Monson related, Fortunately, as we know, Ebenezer Scrooge changed his life for the bet-
the promise of step four

Our Step Four inventories will provide insight into our past, opening our eyes to who we truly are. This is the healing Step. This is the healing-the-heart Step. This Step can change lives. Go deep. Go as deep within yourself as you can. Start with the top layer, and let the process take you deeper. Do not be afraid of what you will find. The things that have happened to us may be [difficult], but our core is beautiful and good. 13 We will develop understanding and compassion for all we have experienced and through this process we will learn how to love ourselves. Then we can learn how to love other people and let them love us. 14 The sorrows and suffering from our past will no longer keep us from fully feeling the love of God. As our self-awareness changes, we may find an increase in self-esteem, a diminished sense of guilt and a greater peace in our lives. 15 President James E. Faust counseled: include [the Lord] when you take inventory of your personal worth. 16 A fearless moral inventory is possible when we believe the Lords promise in the scriptures: Fear not: for I am with thee (Isa. 43:5). As the Spirit of the Lord reveals truths from our past experiences, this new understanding will be a light unto [our] path (Ps. 119:105). One family member shared: My Fourth Step inventory helped me discover who I am, what my values are, the behavior Id like to keep, and the things Id like to change. 17 Step Four is based upon self understanding and self acceptance. This Step helps us learn to switch from a shame-based system to a system of loving and accepting ourselvesas is. We are clearing up our guilt and shame.we love, cherish, nurture, and unconditionally accept ourselves and our histories. It means we allow ourselves to make mistakes and errors. This recovery program was designed for human, imperfect beings. Our new definition of perfection can mean embracing who we are at any given moment. Mistakes are what we do, not who we are. 18 Step Four is an opportunity to allow the Spirit to bring all things to our remembrance. (See John 14: 26) We trust that all things, even our honest inventory of the
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step four
Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of ourselves. ing our hearts, we learn valuable lessons from our past and see ourselves with honesty and gentleness. The discovery of self is a profoundly spiritual experience, one that is possible for anyone willing to learnIf the goal is pursued faithfully, [we] will find treasure at the journeys end. 19
past can be used by the Lord to bless our lives because the truth shall make [us] free (John 8: 32). As we seek the guidance of the Spirit, we will remember important experiences from our lives that are beneficial for us to revisit and ponder. By open-
working the step

How to begin writing an inventory
As family members we recommend beginning the inventory process with the specific review topic Remembering Gods help in our lives. The purpose for beginning with this topic is to clearly see the love and patience our Heavenly Father has always provided and how often He has answered our prayers. Recognizing His love and tender mercies throughout our lives will prepare our hearts to see how valuable and important we are to our Heavenly Father. The second inventory topic we recommend completing is Listing our Positive Traits. Our Father has blessed us with many wonderful gifts, strengths and characteristics. To recognize and acknowledge our positive traits strengthens and confirms our feelings of self-worth. These two specific inventories form a solid spiritual and emotional foundation that will provide a more sensible and insightful understanding of our life experiences. As we complete these inventories, we are better prepared to prayerfully begin writing our general biographical sketch followed by the other specific reviews. It is not necessary to complete all of the inventories at once. We can move on to Step Five each time we complete one or more inventories and share the deep insights into our past that they have provided. This process may be repeated, expanded or individualized to meet our specific needs. Dont worry about doing this Step perfectly. Dont worry about doing it well enough. This Step will work if we make an effort to work it. It will start a process. It will move us forward on our journey. Choose a way to do this Step, then do it. Be as honest as possible. Be openYou dont have to let it overwhelm you. 20 It is not possible to include all of the helpful information available for working Step Four inventories. Since a thorough Step Four is so essential to personal growth and change in our lives, we highly recommend further Step Four information that is also specifically written for family members who have loved ones in addiction. We refer our readers to the Step Four chapter found in the book Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps by Melodie Beattie and the booklet entitled Blueprint for Progress: Al-Anon's Fourth Step Inventory. Family members use this booklet to do inventories and as a measuring tool for growth and progress. Although Al-Anon books mainly refer to their family members alcohol addiction, the wisdom they provide is the same for any addiction. (See Appendix 6: Recommended Reading List).
General biographical sketch
In this inventory we begin by writing about events from the beginning of our lives and let our memories move us forward to the present. Dont complicate it by telling yourself you have to write everything. 21 This inventory will help us discover what influences (good or bad) have impacted our lives. This process may lead us to areas we need to explore more deeply. We would then write a Specific Review to inventory those areas of concern. 1. What memories do I have from my childhood before I went to school? What interactions did I have with family and friends? Was there anything that happened that strengthened or harmed my self-image or my confidence? 2. What are my memories from school and friendships? What kinds of feelings and experiences did I have during this time in my
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step four
Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of ourselves. life? How did they impact my feelings of selfworth? 3. What was it like growing up in my family? 4. What did others expect of me? 5. What feelings about myself did I have growing up? 6. Are there any secrets that I have held on to? 7. What did I do to survive difficult times? 8. Are there areas of my life that I cannot remember? 9. How do I feel about my life thus far? 10. How can honest recollections help me face my past? 11. What can these memories teach me about myself and others? that we do an inventory of Gods blessings in our lives. He explained that when he did his own review he gained the knowledge that our prayers are heard and answered.perhaps not how and when we expected they would be answered, but they will be answered and by a Heavenly Father who knows and loves us perfectly and who desires our happiness. 23 We prayerfully ask the Lord to help us remember when and how God has been involved in the details of our daily lives. This process brings to our remembrance how our prayers were answered and the tender mercies that God has always provided. Elder David A. Bednar explained: I have come to better understand that the Lords tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, lovingkindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. 24 We refer to this inventory throughout the years. We keep it in a place where we can easily review and add to it. As we refer to this list throughout the years we recognize His blessings, which increase our love, gratitude, faith and trust in God. We may make a list of the following: 1. What are my earliest recollections of Gods tender mercies? 2. What temporal, emotional and spiritual blessings has He given me? 3. How has He strengthened me? 4. How has He protected me and my loved ones from physical and emotional harm? 5. What assurances have I received? 6. What guidance has He provided? 7. When have I felt His loving-kindness, consolation and support? 8. What spiritual gifts have I received? 9. When has the Spirit quietly and profoundly spoken to me?
Specific review
How do we start writing a specific inventory? Read your biography. Are there missing pieces? Are there parts you could write another paper about?.... Remember, this Step is not about being nice and appropriate. Its about getting it all out. Your biography isnt going to be published. Let yourself go, and say what you need and want to say. Write about your relationships, your feelings, your behaviors. How did you protect yourself? What did you do to survive? This exercise is an interesting one to do regularly over the years. We may be surprised to see how our perspective on ourselves and our lives changes as we change. 22 The following inventory suggestions are examples of doing specific reviews to strengthen our learning experience.
Remembering Gods help in our lives
In order to gain a deeper understanding of our Heavenly Fathers love for us, we pray that the Spirit will help us remember His constant care throughout our lives. President Thomas S. Monson recommended
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step four
Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of ourselves. 10. Looking back over my life, when did the Lord intervene in a way that turned out to be a blessing? 11. How does remembering these experiences help me to trust Gods will? 12. How will this inventory increase my appreciation for Gods love and power in my life and strengthen my understanding of Steps Two and Three? 3. How might these gifts help me in my own life, and how might my strengths allow me to help others? 4. How does this inventory affect how I feel about myself right now? 5. When writing a general biographical sketch how can I look for additional positive qualities?
Listing our positive traits
Identifying negative emotions and attitudes
We may struggle with feelings of low self esteem or patterns of self criticism that prevent us from recognizing our positive character traits. The experience of countless Al-Anon members who have worked this Step reassures us that a fearless, honest, moral inventory should include our good qualities too. 25 The purpose of this inventory is to gain perspective and appreciation for the gifts and tools God has given us to help others and to bless our own lives. It is not meant to create feelings of pride or self-righteousness. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf explained that Heavenly Father will reveal to us things we never knew about ourselves. He will illuminate the path ahead and open our eyes to see our unknown and perhaps unimagined talents. 26 Acknowledging our positive traits affirms the truth that we are children of God with qualities worth appreciating and validating and will help us maintain balance when it is time to honestly recognize and acknowledge our weaknesses. This list is less about performance based accomplishments and more about personal virtues. (Examples of positive personal attributes and strengths could be: loving, kind, compassionate, empathetic, forgiving, confident, courageous, persevering, diligent, honest, loyal, humble, and full of faith in God.) We recommend the extensive Self Worth inventory in Al-Anons Blueprint For Progress booklet. We can also reflect upon the following: 1. What good qualities have I begun to recognize in myself? 2. How have my positive traits blessed my life?
Al-Anons Blueprint for Progress explains: Attitudes are emotional responses to situations, people, and ideas. We were not born with these feelings; we learned them from the outcome of relationships with our parents, our friends, and other past experiences. We continue to learn as we grow older but we are not always aware that we have become conditioned to feel, to think, to act in certain ways. 27 This inventory will help us analyze the early sources of our negative feelings. We look for patterns of emotions from our childhood up to the present. Some emotions we search for are: fear, anger, resentments, frustration, rage, hopelessness, constant worrying, etc. This is not a who I need to blame for my negative feelings list. We look for situations in our past where we allowed negative emotions and attitudes to control our thoughts and actions. This doesnt mean we blame ourselves; it means we attempt to get to the root of the problem.Our unresolved emotions may be motivating our behaviors today. Unfinished business does not go away. It keeps repeating itself until we are ready to deal with it. Often, acceptance is all that is required. Sometimes, we need more help healing from our pasts.we need to bring it into the open, identify it, and be honest about its impact on our lives. Remember, our feelings are our responsibility. It doesnt matter who did what. Our feelings are our feelings. Theyll be with us until we deal with them. 28 For instance, as we make a list of our fears, we seek to discover why and how this particular emotion has been paralyzing our lives and how we may have been blaming others for it. We started a fear list in Step One and now we examine our fears from our childhood to the present. This inventory will help us face
43
step four
Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of ourselves. 1. How have my negative attitudes, emotions and actions caused others pain and suffering? 2. Do I expect gratitude, acknowledgement or praise when I help others? 3. Do I lack respect for the opinions and feelings of others when they are communicating with me? Do I interrupt others or try to be the center of attention? Do I always have to be right? 4. Do I expect others to take care of me? Do I expect to be rescued? Do I play the role of a victim in order to gain sympathy? 5. Do I feel that I am better than others? Do I feel that others are better than me? 6. Do I often feel hopeless or pessimistic towards my circumstances or relationships? Do I struggle to find good in my relationships? 7. Do I believe that others are responsible for my happiness? Do I blame them for my unhappiness? 8. Do I gossip about others? Do I put others down in order to elevate myself? 9. Do I struggle with being honest with myself and with others? Do I have a habit of telling half-truths? 10. Do I rationalize my faults? Do I struggle to admit that I am wrong? 11. Do I focus on the faults of others and feel it is my responsibility to correct them? 12. Do I forget to express gratitude to God, to others and to myself? Do I mainly focus on what is wrong in my life?
our emotions, own them and learn from them so that we are able to let them go. 1. What hurt, fear, anger, resentment and frustration have I felt toward God and others? What childhood experiences have contributed to these feelings? 2. Do fear and anger poison and consume me? How do they impact my life now? 3. Do my negative emotions disappear when others change or ask for my forgiveness? If not, what do I need to do? 4. What can I do to release my negative emotions and let them go? (See Step Two on Surrender)
Recognizing our own weaknesses
Learning to recognize our weaknesses is an important part of our mortal experience. It has been said that all of us have three characters: What we think we are, what we want others to believe we are, and what we really are. In fact, we are combinations of all three. 29 As we discover weak points in our character we begin to realize the negative impact they have on our lives. This inventory is about honest recognition and helps us to understand the true nature of our weaknesses. We identify the negative thought patterns and behaviors we struggle with the most. (Some examples include: dishonesty, envy, gossip, irritability, jealousy, laziness, perfectionism, procrastination, pride, rudeness, rationalization, shaming others, judging unrighteously, constant complaining, blaming others, over-dependence on others, etc.) We avoid blaming others for our flaws and weaknesses and accept responsibility for them. Elder F. Enzio Busche taught: Without the capability to recognize truth, we will not be really free: we will be slaves to habits or prejudices heavily covered with excuses. 30 Steps Five, Six and Seven draw upon the information we will gather in this inventory. For a more detailed application of this inventory, we recommend the Character Traits chapter in the AlAnons Blue Print For Progress booklet. We may also consider the following:
Codependency and personal relationships
From this inventory we learn to recognize how our codependent emotions and behaviors negatively affect our relationships. We look into our past to dis-
44
step four
Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of ourselves. We do this to heal from all that has taken place in our lives. We do this to set ourselves free from the past. We do this to hold ourselves accountable for our own healing and to achieve the highest level of self-responsibility and self-accountability as possible. 32 As we remember mistakes from our past, we allow the light of truth to help us evaluate their impact upon us and how we can allow them to bless our lives now. The hold that shame, blame and guilt have on our minds and hearts will begin to fade through this recognition process. In this inventory, it is essential to recognize the difference between shame and guilt. Legitimate guilt means we feel badly about something we have done. If we feel badly about something we have done, we can remedy that and be done with the guilt. There is a solution, whether that involves changing our behavior [repenting] or making an amend. Shame means we feel badly about being who we are. Changing our behavior or making an amend doesnt make shame go away. Shame leaves us with the sense that all we can do is apologize for existing. Many of us have been controlled by shame. Sometimes it comes from others; sometimes it comes from within. 33 We may have carried feelings of shame from our childhood if our parents or others used shame to discipline us. If so, we recognize that we do not have to carry those feelings any longer and we avoid repeating this unhealthy method of discipline or interaction with family members, friends and others. As we work Step Five we will have the opportunity to face and release our mistakes and guilt. We seek and need the loving grace of our Savior to help us thoroughly release our shame. 1. What is the difference between mistakes and sins? 2. What attitudes or actions from my past are keeping me from feeling peace and joy? 3. What am I afraid to admit to myself, to my Bishop and to my Savior? How can the repentance process make it possible for me to release these feelings?
cover patterns and understand when and why they began. These negative thoughts, emotions and behaviors impact our relationships in different ways. Fear for our addicted loved ones and ourselves may motivate us to try to act as their conscience and caretaker. This emotion, together with our desire to rescue them, encourages the codependent behavior to try to control their choices. At the same time we are feeling fear we may also feel resentment and anger toward them because we feel victimized by their addictive behaviors. Whether it is fear or anger, or both, that motivates our actions; in the end we are the ones being controlled by our codependency. The behaviors we may want to focus on are: caretaking; controlling; repressing feelings; not dealing with feelings appropriately; manipulation; self-neglect; not taking responsibility for ourselves (including emotional and financial responsibility); worrying; constantly criticizing ourselves and our efforts; feeling that we cant do it well enough (whatever it is); not liking and loving ourselves; not allowing others to like and love us; not nurturing ourselves or allowing ourselves to receive the nurturing we want and need; using denial as a coping tool; feeling victimized; allowing ourselves to be victimized; not setting boundariesobsessing; being dependent on others; communicating poorly; dishonesty (including emotional dishonesty); not saying no when we mean no. 31 As we work this inventory we circle the codependent thoughts, emotions and behaviors from the list above that apply to us. We then write how specific relationships in our lives have been impacted by codependency. We include relationships with family members, friends and close associates. For example, if we have circled denial, in the list above, we journal how denial has affected our relationships with ourselves, our spouses, siblings, children, parents, friends and others.
Mistakes, shame and blame
In order to be thorough, our inventory will need to include those thoughts, behaviors, interactions and events that have caused us to feel shame and guilt.
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step four
Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of ourselves. 4. How can I rely on the comforting influence of the Spirit to help me feel I am forgiven of my mistakes as well as my sins? 5. What can I do, once I have repented, to let go of the shame I have been feeling? Ponder the following scripture: Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more (D&C: 58:42). Elder Neil L. Andersen explained: The scriptures do not say that we will forget our forsaken sins in mortality. Rather, they declare that the Lord will forget. The forsaking of sins implies never returning. Forsaking requires time. To help us, the Lord at times allows the residue of our mistakes to rest in our memory. It is a vital part of our mortal learning. 34 The purpose for this residue is to learn from our mistakes, not to continue suffering from shame or guilt. Our greatest blessing remembering the sins we have repented of is the deep gratitude we feel towards our Savior because of His atoning sacrifice that has washed us clean.

Why would anyone love me?
"I had been pondering all week about the quote porcupines cant be hugged in the Set Healthy Boundaries section of Step Two. In my minds eye I saw a barbed wire fence around me, but I wasnt sure what it meant. When my husband would tell me he loved me, I would ask, why? I wondered why anyone would love me. Throughout my life I had thoughts like, if you really knew me you wouldn't love me. When someone would try to hug me, it was hard for me to accept their expression of love. Throughout my life I struggled with these thoughts and feelings but didn't understand why. I only felt sadness. The Holy Spirit deeply touched me when I read Step Four I remembered my mom telling me for years how I would never amount to anything. I never remember her telling me that she loved me. So in my mind I thought that if my mom, who I loved with all my heart, and wanted more than anything to love and acknowledge me, didnt love me, then how could anyone else? I discovered the source of never truly believing people when they said they loved me! What a revelation came to me through Step Four! And it was done so lovingly! As I journal my thoughts and with the help of the Holy Spirit, I can be set free from the barbed wire prison around me. Oh, I am so grateful for Step Four. visits without discovering a diagnosis, I became more humble and teachable, even though I still struggled to admit that I was powerless. When I finally, humbly and deeply, came to understand that I couldn't fix my health and that only God could, I made the choice to let Him and surrendered to God my illness and my will. As soon as I turned my life over to Him, I was blessed with a correct diagnosis and my healing process began. My illness helped me internalize Steps One, Two and Three, and prepared me to begin Step Four. As I began, I prayed for understanding, and asked for help to see my weaknesses. As insights and new perceptions came to my mind, I was saddened by some of the attitudes and behaviors of my past. Despite these painful memories, a feeling of intense love and understanding overcame me. As I was shown my weaknesses, I was surprised that I did not experience feelings of shame and guilt, only feelings of love and encouragement. I felt like I could see who I really wanted to be; the person I had lost through all of the pains, fears, and struggles I had faced. I learned that I had been selfrighteous and prideful, quick to judge, slow to forgive, and had treated my loved ones unkindly. I felt sorrow for the ways I had hurt them, without feeling the need to condemn myself for my mistakes. I understood that the Lord wanted me to change, and that He had prepared the way for me to repent and move forward and become that person I really wanted to be. As I continue to take inventory of myself, I will allow Him to teach me better ways to live and better ways to love and interact with my family.
Humility and healing
Heavenly Father began preparing me to work Step Four as I faced a life threatening illness. Through long months of hospitalization, medical tests, and doctor
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step four
Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of ourselves. free from the burdens of past mistakes. I have a new vision of what I can become in Christ.
The truth made me free
Digging deep within my own past and heart was difficult; especially considering that I felt my husbands addiction was entirely responsible for my unhappiness. Certainly my own sins and faults paled in comparison! Yet, as I drew nearer to the Lord and humbly asked for courage and help to find peace and answers, the truth was not the bitter pill I feared it would be. Instead it was a reminder of the Lords tender mercies He was giving me a chance to repent of my sins so that He could heal me. I learned for myself that the truth shall make you free.
An inventory helps me understand who I am
Memories from the past
As I continued to do Step Four inventories, I experienced a memory that opened my mind to understand the emotional struggles I had as I faced the addiction of a loved one. When I was seven years old, my older brother stopped attending church and became rebellious and combative. My parents were very concerned about him and often argued and tried to force him to go to church. My mother became very fearful for my brother. This conflict in our home deeply impacted me. As most children often do, I easily absorbed my mothers concern and fear, which remained buried in my emotional memory bank. This memory helped me recognize how my painful childhood experience had contributed to the intense fear I felt for my own son and his addiction. Part of my childhood memory also became a blessing as I remembered my mothers faith and prayers on behalf of my brother. She never wavered from her faith and trust in God. I recognized that her example had strengthened my faith as a mother toward my own son. Both my brother and my son obtained full recovery and healing and have become active and faithful in the gospel once again. These memories, and many others that surfaced from my Step Four inventories, brought me an awareness of how to face my own emotions, apply faith, and find healing.
"It takes a tremendous amount of courage in order to face who I have become as a result of dysfunctional family relationships, an emotionally toxic childhood, and having addicted loved ones currently in my life. It is human nature to see the sins of our loved ones addiction. My son's crystal meth addiction brought chaos, havoc, and trouble to our home. However, when I focused all my attention on the behaviors of my loved one in addiction, it robbed me of serenity and recovery. This is where Step Four is so powerful. When I became willing to focus on myself, write a moral inventory and allow God to show me my weaknesses, awareness occurred. Then God revealed to me the personality traits I had developed as a result of fear, denial, and my own inability to be honest with myself. Doing an honest inventory allowed me to access the truth of who I am, to experience a broken heart and contrite spirit, and to repent fully. Only when I saw my wrong doing could I make these huge changes in my character and realign myself with who I really am: a divine child of a King. I wrote from my heart: I read the scripture in Daniel 10:12: Fear not...from the first day that thou didst set thine heart to understand and to chasten thyself before God, thy words were heard and I am come for thy words. I felt that this reflected the feelings in my heart as I put together my Fourth step inventory. I was not to fear anything from my past. A door was opened when, in honesty, I wrote from my heart. I felt the Spirit of His love rush in as never before! For the first time I was able to ask honestly, how might I be wrong and yet not feel hatred toward myself? I found it refreshing that the past labels I had placed upon myself and others such as: bad one-good one, sinner-saint, perpetrator-victim, disappeared with His charity. I felt like I was alone with my Savior. At long last, I chose to set my heart to understand me, and to focus on my own salvation. As I made my inventory my Heavenly Father did hear me and He did as stated in the scriptures come for my words and I have experienced peace as never before!
My inventory process softened my heart
Step Four inventories helped me realize that the heart that was most in need of healing was my own. Completing searching and thorough inventories has softened my heart, opened my eyes and torn down old walls. Tearing down old walls can be painful at times, but it creates open spaces to build a new life,
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step four
Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of ourselves.
Recognizing my weaknesses
Doing a Step Four inventory helped me to connect events from my past with my emotions. It was very eye opening to see that many of the times I had felt hurt were a result of my codependent behaviors. As I saw similarities, I was able to find the root character weaknesses that lead to my behaviors. I recognized the biggest problems I had were caring what others thought more than what God thought, and thinking I could control those around me. When I realized these things, a burden lifted from my life because I knew the most important thing that I could do to fix the source of my problem was to turn to God. scripture references and endnotes Psalms 43:2-3; Mosiah 3:19; Isaiah 43:5; Psalms 119:105; Isaiah 42:7,16; John 14:26; John 8:32.
Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, vol. 8, p. 334 Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery, 43 3 Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 51-52 4 Dieter F. Uchtdorf , Of Regrets and Resolutions, Ensign, Nov 2012 5 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 62 6 The Visiting Teacher: His Image in Our Countenances, Ensign, Jun 1996, 7 Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 52 8 Al-Anon Family Groups, Discovering Choices, 110 9 Thomas S. Monson, Consider the Blessings, Ensign, Nov 2012 10 Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery, 43 11 Shayne M. Bowen,Because I Live, Ye Shall Live Also, Ensign, Nov 2012 12 Thomas S. Monson, May We So Live, Ensign, Aug 2008 13 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 82 14 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 75 15 Al-Anon Family Groups, Discovering Choices, 110 16 James E. Faust, Welcoming Every Single One, Ensign, Aug 2007 17 Al-Anon Family Groups, Courage to Change, 345 18 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 75 19 Bruce D. Porter, Searching Inward, Ensign, Nov 1971 20 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 77 21 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 67 22 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 67 23 Thomas S. Monson, Consider the Blessings, Ensign, Nov 2012 24 David A. Bednar, The Tender Mercies of the Lord, Ensign, May 2005 25 Al-Anon Family Groups, Blueprint For Progress, 8 26 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Of Regrets and Resolutions, Ensign, Nov 2012 27 Al-Anon Family Groups, Blueprint For Progress, 10
2 1
28 29
Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 71 Al-Anon Family Groups, Blueprint For Progress, 36 30 F. Enzio Busche, University for Eternal Life, Ensign, May 1989 31 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 65 32 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 65 33 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 75 34 Neal L. Anderson, RepentThat I May Heal You, Ensign, Nov 2009
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step five
Acknowledge to Heavenly Father, to ourselves, and to another person experienced in Twelve Step principles, the exact nature of our wrongs.

tep Four provided the opportunity for us to understand and evaluate our personal character. In Step Five we analyze what our inventories have revealed. As we become prepared to acknowledge our past, we choose to be completely honest in order to become transparent with God, with ourselves, and with another person. To be transparent is defined as being free from pretense or deceit. 1 Honesty, as defined by Elder James E. Faust, is truth telling, truth speaking, truth living, and truth loving. 2 In Step Five we seek to be honestnot only in the sight of the Lord, but also in the sight of men (2 Corinthians 8: 21). If we have been holding on to guilt, shame, emotional pain, rationalization or denial, Step Five will offer the opportunity to face it and release it.
Evaluating our Step Four Inventories

Self-awareness: Reviewing our inventories will allow us to participate in a soul-searching experience as we look inside with an attitude of compassion and selfresponsibility. 3 We become aware of the thoughts, feelings, attitudes and behaviors that define who we are. As Elder Bruce D. Porter taught: we must know ourselves, for until we are conscious of our weaknesses, we cannot correct them; until we know our strengths, we cannot use them well. 4 Self-evaluation: Now we take the time to journal all that we have become aware of. We examine our negative behaviors and seek to recognize and write down which of the nine character weaknesses are motivating them. We also recognize and validate where our motives have been positive and valuable. Our honest evaluation will prepare us to let go of painful memories and self-defeating behaviors. We acknowledge our mistakes, but we do not allow them to define who we are or who we can become. We are seeking to grow by facing who we are at the moment; nothing is served by beating ourselves up for the past. 5 Self- acceptance: We now realize that even though we have made mistakes, we are still precious children of a loving Heavenly Father. Elder Dean L. Larsen explained this important concept when he stated: It is necessary to accept ourselves with a self-love that is neither vain nor selfish, but rather one that is tolerant and understanding. 6 We come to humbly accept our wrongs with the understanding that we are spiritual beings having a mortal experience and recognize that we all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). As we come to love and accept ourselves, we grow spiritually and emotionally. As a result, our thoughts and behaviors will become more in harmony with who we really are.
The exact nature of our wrongs
The exact nature of our wrongs is an expression that is new to many of us. The exact nature of our wrongs refers to the character weaknesses that motivate our behaviors. Commonly, Twelve Step programs identify these weaknesses as: feelings of low self worth, anger, resentment, selfishness, self pity, fear, dishonesty, envy or pride. We find that these nine character defects can be the underlying, motivating force behind almost all of our negative behaviors and mistakes in life. As we work Step Five, we review our Step Four inventories and examine the core character weaknesses associated with our behaviors. We might ask questions such as: Was I acting out of fear? Did pride or self pity motivate my reaction? Did I try to force my will on others as a result of selfishness? Was I dishonest with myself or others? As we recognize and record the exact nature of each of our wrongs, patterns begin to unfold, and we begin to understand the reasons for our behaviors. This recognition process is made possible by applying the following self examination concepts.
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step five

Step Four is often referred to as the searching for truth step and Step Five is described as the cleansing step. We are opening ourselves to God, to ourselves and to another person to begin the cleansing process for those areas in our lives that have been causing us concern and pain. ourselves those areas where we need to repent and change, our burdens will begin to lift. Heavy burdens of guilt can interfere with our happiness. Feelings of shame or regret will never diminish if we continue to replay them over and over again in our minds or hide them from our consciousness. They no longer need to invade our peace and contaminate how we feel about ourselves.
Acknowledging to Heavenly Father
After we have reviewed our Step Four inventories we are prepared for the sacred experience of communicating intimately with our Heavenly Father about the personal details of our lives. We are not revealing to Him anything He does not already know. For He knows all the thoughts and intents of [our] heart (Alma 18:22) as well as our actions. We honestly acknowledge to our loving and merciful Father in Heaven what we have come to know about ourselves. We humbly share our struggles, our pain and our desire to change. We become willing to let Him reveal to us our true selves. This tender exchange deepens our emotional and spiritual connection to our Father in Heaven. As explained by Elder Dennis B. Neuenschwander our confessions to God [will] ultimately bring us [closer] to HimConfession is a statement of personal responsibility for our actions. 7 Our complete openness with our Heavenly Father reveals a desire to become clean and whole. As the Psalmist pleaded: Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sinCreate in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me (Psalms 51:2,10).
Confessing to ecclesiastical authority
Sister Ann M. Dibb explained: In our mortal condition, no one is perfect. Even in our most diligent efforts to live the gospel, all of us will make mistakes, and all of us will sin. What a comforting assurance it is to know that through our Saviors redeeming sacrifice, we can be forgiven and made clean again. 9 During our inventory process, the Spirit may have brought to our remembrance sins or misdeeds that need to be reconciled with proper ecclesiastical authority. Our confessions include those sins that are considered to be serious transgressions. Elder Scott D. Whiting encouraged us to move quickly to correct anything that is amiss, recognizing that we cannot hide our sins from the Lord. 10 If we have not previously resolved these issues, we pray for the courage to do so now. Even if we stopped participating in a serious sin many years ago, we will find that confessing and resolving it now will bring peacepeace of heart, peace of mind and peace with God.
Acknowledging to ourselves
Acknowledging to another person
When we prayerfully discuss our lives with our Father in Heaven, we will begin to see ourselves with new clarity, love and hope. Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught: More than we realize, being honest with God in our prayers helps us to be more honest with ourselves. 8 We are learning to be more truthful and gentle with ourselves when we acknowledge all that is good within us and the righteous desires of our hearts. We admit to ourselves our mistakes, recognize our weaknesses, and identify all that we hope to change within. As we become willing to honestly admit to
We prayerfully choose a friend in recovery (sponsor) of the same gender. We do not choose our spouse, a family member or our loved one in addiction. They are too close to us or too involved with the events we will discuss. 11 We look for someone who is emotionally and spiritually stable in their own healing process and who has already completed their own Step Five. We need someone who is not involved with our individual situation who can keep a confidence and listen with empathyWe are not looking for someone to tell us how to handle our problems, but rather for a loving witness who can provide per-
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step five
Acknowledge to Heavenly Father, to ourselves, and to another person experienced in Twelve Step principles, the exact nature of our wrongs. sire to change is more powerfully imprinted in our own minds when we acknowledge it to another human being. We discover that we have similar weaknesses and experiences and we will begin to feel relief when we can honestly communicate our struggles with a compassionate and trusted listener. Some of us feel great relief as we unburden ourselves. We discover that we are not alone in our human frailties and we are not the worst person in the world, as we might have believed. 14 During this essential part of our healing, it may also be helpful to work with a professional counselor who is knowledgeable in the Twelve Steps and supports gospel principles, especially if we have experienced abuse or any traumatic events that have continued to cause us suffering and emotional pain.
spective on our spiritual journey; one who can appreciate what we are doing and how we are growing. 12 As we discuss our lives with another person, we are learning to be appropriately vulnerable and honest with others about ourselves. 13 It is important to understand that admitting the exact nature of our wrongs to another person does not necessarily mean that we disclose the details of transgressions and specific sins that we would normally confess to proper ecclesiastical authority. We need only share with another person in recovery that we have made serious mistakes, confessed them, sought forgiveness and participated in the repentance process. Talking to a friend in recovery can help us reflect on what we have learned from our inventories. Our de-
the promise of step five

Discovering the exact nature of our wrongs is an opportunity to open up, air out, and cleanse our hearts so that we have no need to ever look back again toward the darkness and remorse of the past. Elder Bruce C. Hafen explained: Life is a school, a place for us to learn and growThese experiences may include sin, but they also include mistakes, disappointments, and the undeserved pain of adversity. The blessed news of the gospel is that the Atonement of Jesus Christ can purify all the uncleanness and sweeten all the bitterness we taste. By confronting the sad or happy consequences of our choices, we can learn through our own experience, as [Adam and Eve], to distinguish the bitter from the sweet. 15 As we evaluate our inventories we may be tempted to become harshly critical of ourselves. Elder F. Enzio Busche explained: Enlightened by the Spirit of truth, we will then be able to pray for the increased ability to endure truth and not to be made angry by it (see 2 Ne. 28:28)Gone are all the little lies of self-defenseThis is that place where true repentance is bornwe will never be happy anymore just by being ourselves or living our own lives. We will not be satisfied until we have surrendered our lives into the arms of the loving Christ. 16 When we lovingly accept ourselves, flaws and all, without making excuses for what we have done, we begin to develop a genuine form of self-love which will motivate a desire in our hearts to change our lives for the better. Step Five can become a turning point in our lives. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland assured: God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are, and with His help, where you are willing to go. 17 Completing Step Five sets us on a course that will free us from the mistakes and burdens of our past and will prepare us to move forward into the future with hope and confidence. We humbly acknowledge that we are committed to changing our lives. This is something worth celebrating. 18 We feel gratitude to our Father in Heaven that we no longer have to live in guilt and shame. President Thomas S. Monson testified: Cast off forever is the old self, and with it defeat, despair, doubt, and disbelief. To a newness of life we comea life of faith, hope, courage, and joy. No task looms too large. No responsibility weighs too heavily. No duty is a burden. All things become possible. 19
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step five
working the step

Before we begin this section in the workbook, we prayerfully re-read the Step and underline the information that pertains specifically to our challenges. As we Work the Step we ponder upon the message of the Step principles while we write our answers to the questions provided. As we take the time to write down our feelings, the Spirit will guide our thoughts and help us better understand ourselves and our loved ones. As we continue to write about our journey through the Twelve Steps, we will be able to look back at the written record of our thoughts, gain greater perspective and recognize the progress we are making. Writing is a gift that will bless our lives now and in the future. acknowledge to heavenly father sins. And has he suffered that ye have begged in vain? Nay; he has poured out his Spirit upon you, and has caused that your hearts should be filled with joy, and has caused that your mouths should be stopped that ye could not find utterance, so exceedingly great was your joy (Mosiah 4:20). How can applying Step Five principles help me to feel greater joy? acknowledge to myself
Step Five Understanding
Talking to Him
We need to tell God about ourselves.We need to say [Heavenly Father] this is who I am. This is what I did. This is what I think. This is what I want. This is what I need. This is what Im feeling. This is what Im going through. This is what Im worried about. We are not burdening God by bringing ourselves to God. Thats what God wants. And God cares, that much. 20 How will talking to my Heavenly Father openly and honestly strengthen my connection to Him?
I finally understood why I acted, reacted, and responded the way I did. Acting out of anger, fear, and resentment brought me more pain. Clearing all these negative feelings gave me the clarity to make the right choices out of kindness, compassion, and hope. I began to feel spiritual growth, and as I continued to stay focused on working the Steps, my depression and anger slowly melted away. I was filled with hope of a better life ahead. 22 What have I learned about myself by completing Step Five? Which of the nine emotions in this Step impact my life the most? How do these emotions affect my behavior? What patterns to I see? What understanding do I gain from them? How can understanding the motives behind my actions help me as I move forward?
Confess to God
Elder Dennis B. Neuenschwander taught: The scriptures teach us exactly what we should confess to God. We are told that we are to confess our sins (see D&C 19:20), our iniquity (see Leviticus 26:40), our transgressions (see Psalms 32:5), and our faults (see James 5:16). 21 Are my Step Four inventories sufficiently thorough to prepare me to confess to God? How will this confession bless my life?
Admitting to myself
We need to tell ourselves who we are, what we want, what we have done, our wrongs, our secrets, our good points, our beliefs. We need to admit to ourselves what we are really feeling, what we fear, and who we are. We need to break through our own denial. We need to be honest with ourselves. 23 How will acknowledging to myself, who I am, change my life for the better?
Repenting and receiving joy
And behold, even at this time, ye have been calling on his name, and begging for a remission of your
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step five
Acknowledge to Heavenly Father, to ourselves, and to another person experienced in Twelve Step principles, the exact nature of our wrongs. meet in a quiet, private location where we can talk without distractions. We schedule sufficient time for sharing and discussion, being sensitive to the time constraints of the person listening. We may share our inventory in sections, if time is short. It is very appropriate to begin and end this experience with a prayer to invite the Spirit of the Lord to guide both of us. If we approach Step Five struggling with shame and self-condemnation, we find comfort in knowing our sponsor is also our friend who will not judge or blame us. They have been through this process themselves. They can remind us to accept and love ourselves as our Heavenly Father does. As we feel acceptance from a friend in recovery, regardless of our past, we will experience hope and confidence for our future. We are learning to set ourselves free. As we continue to repeat the Step Five process, we will reach greater levels of self-honesty. Serious mistakes or sins from the past should be shared only with proper priesthood authority.
admit to ecclesiastical authority
Confession
President Spencer W. Kimball explained: Confession brings peace. How often have people departed from my office relieved and lighter of heartTheir burdens were lighter, having been shared. They were free. The truth had made them free. 24 Elder Vaughn J. Featherstone testified: When one has washed his robes in the blood of the Lamb, they are no longer soiledWhen confession takes place, it ought to be from the inner-most depths of the heart and soul. I want to be able to meet my Savior with nothing left undone. 25 How can confession bring me peace? What am I willing to do to obtain this blessing? How does completing Step Five prepare me to meet my Savior? What can I do to become willing to have nothing left undone?
A more desirable path
President Spencer W. Kimball explained: ...repentance can never come until one has bared his soul and admitted his actions without excuses or rationalizations.Those persons who choose to meet the issue and transform their lives may find repentance the harder road at first, but they will find it the infinitely more desirable path as they taste of its fruits. 26 What are some of the excuses and rationalizations Ive used in the past? How can choosing the harder road lead me to a more desirable path? acknowledge to another person
Benefits of listening to others share
Much has been said about the freedom this Step offers to the person who is doing the talking, but it can be extremely rewarding to the listener as well. Most of us feel deeply honored to be entrusted to share in such a sensitive and personal experience. It can be a wonderful opportunity to practice giving unconditional love and support by simply listening. Many of us hear stories that are similar to our own; we often identify with the emotions and concerns that are expressed. Perhaps we will be reminded of where we have been and how far we have come. We also see that, despite our outward differences, we have a great deal in common with others. 27 How can I prepare to be on the listening end of Step Five? What attitudes and character traits will help me to support another person in Step Five sharing?
How to share my inventory
Once we have prayerfully chosen a person who has experience with and understands the Twelve Step healing process, we make an appointment to share our Step Four inventory as soon as possible. We
53
step five

Having the courage to share my inventory
I really felt intimidated and afraid of doing Step Five. I didnt want to talk about my darkest secrets to another person. I was afraid that I would be rejected for all the mistakes I had made. I had always tried to put on a face of success and perfectionism in my life so that no one would reject me. I put a lot of effort into hiding the truth about myself. Once I accepted that this pattern was hurting me, I decided to get the courage to talk to another person in recovery. When I began sharing some of my behavior characteristics that I was especially ashamed of, my sponsor smiled and said she had felt the same way when she gave her Step Five inventory several years before. Confessing my struggles got the shame out of me. I began to realize that many of us struggle with the same weaknesses, make the same types of mistakes, and hide them out of fear of judgment and rejection. Step Five is about stepping out of the shadows into the light of truth and getting rid of those things that bring us pain. I found it to be a very liberating experience.
I wanted to hide my mistakes
For me, the beauty of step Five was the freedom to love myself for who I am and who I have been. I have always been a very private person and probably a proud one too. I wanted others to see me as having it all together. My mistakes and bad behaviors were things that I wanted to hide from myself and others. Telling another person things about myself that I wanted to forget was hard at first. As I began my sharing, my friend in recovery shared with me that she was like me in many ways. I felt normal. We had a few tears and a few laughs. My past was no longer the huge elephant in the room that I had to try and ignore. It is almost like my past became a little stuffed elephant that I could pick up and put in its proper place. I can accept that in the past I was doing the best I could with what I knew. Now I know better, so I can do things differently.
An incredible blessing
Sharing was a beautiful experience
This Step took me by surprise because I was dreading it so much. I felt ashamed about some of the things I had done, and thought that sharing these things would just make me feel worse. But what happened was the complete opposite. My Step Five sharing was a beautiful experience. After I shared my inventory with my friend in recovery, I felt more loved and accepted than I had in a long time. I felt empowered to allow my weaknesses to become strengths. I felt at peace within myself, and I felt gratitude for the spiritual principles of the Twelve Steps. The Spirit was very strong as I painted an honest picture of my life. I knew that everything would be okay and that the Savior loves me just the way I am. It has never been helpful to beat myself up for my past imperfections, and now I feel that I can face my weaknesses instead of ignoring them. Through Christ, my weaknesses will become my strengths.
I dreaded sharing my inventory with someone else, and kept putting it off. One day as I read my scriptures, it seemed like every other verse was talking about confession being an essential element of repentance. I felt that the Lord was trying to tell me I needed to face my fears in order to move forward. I called a sister in my support group, and set the time. We met and opened with prayer. As I shared my inventory, she was able to offer insights and comfort when I was being too hard on myself. She was loving and accepting, and I felt a burden lifted that brought peace and a sense of newness to my life. I felt able to move forward without carrying all the baggage of my past. Something that I had dreaded doing turned out to be an incredible blessing to me.
Confessing to God
I never used to confess my sins and problems to God. I thought that I could hide them from Him. Then I decided that it wouldnt do any harm to tell Him I knew that I needed to repent. Miracles began to happen. Not only was I more able to admit to myself that I had a problem, but I was also amazed at how God handled the confession. It was almost as if He was saying to me: Now that wasnt so hard, was it?
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step five
Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery, 55 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 91 14 Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery, 56 15 Bruce C. Hafen, Beauty for Ashes: The Atonement of Jesus Christ, Ensign, Apr 1990 16 F. Enzio Busche, Truth Is the Issue, Ensign, Nov 1993 17 Jeffrey R. Holland, Remember Lots Wife, BYU Devotional, Jan 2009 18 Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 55 19 Thomas S. Monson, My Personal Hall of Fame, Ensign, Jul 1991 20 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 93 21 Dennis B. Neuenschwander, The Path of Growth, Ensign, Dec 1999 22 Al-Anon Family Groups, Discovering Choices, 113 23 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 93 24 Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness, 187 25 Vaughn J. Featherstone, Forgive Them, I Pray Thee, Ensign, Nov 1980 26 Spencer W. Kimball, The Gospel of Repentance, Ensign, Oct 1982 27 Al-Anon Family Groups, Courage to Change, 266
13 12
The burden of the things I carried around with me for so many years became light. I am so grateful for the power of the Atonement, which takes the burdens from my life.
I felt the comfort of the Spirit
As I admitted to Heavenly Father my mistakes and sins and my feelings of regret, I felt the healing power of the Spirit comfort me. What a sweet spiritual experience this process was! When I admitted to myself my mistakes and sins, I felt myself starting to become ashamed and disgusted with myself. Then I remembered how tender and understanding the Spirit had been with me. Admitting my wrongs to myself didnt mean that I was supposed to hate myself. Instead, I learned to accept myself with all my human frailties. I became willing to learn from them, repent and change.
Appreciating my journey
Discussing with my sponsor the things that were brought to my remembrance made it possible for me to appreciate my journey. I realized that I was stronger than I thought I was. Given the knowledge I had at the time, I had done the best I could. I was also more willing to give my mistakes to the Lord because He had paid for them already.
scripture references and endnotes 2 Corinthians 8:21; Romans 3:23; Alma 18:22, Psalms 51: 2,10; 2 Nephi 28:28; D&C 19:20; Leviticus 26:40; Psalms 32:5; James 5:16; Mosiah 4:20
1 2
Merriam Websters Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition, 1255 James E. Faust, Honestya Moral Compass, Ensign, Nov 1996 3 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 96 4 Bruce D. Porter, Searching Inward, Ensign, Nov 1971 5 Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery, 54 6 Dean L. Larsen, The Peaceable Things of the Kingdom, New Era, Feb 1986 7 Dennis B. Neuenschwander, The Path of Growth, Ensign, Dec 1999 8 Neal A. Maxwell, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, 96 9 Ann M. Dibb, I Know It. I Live It. I Love It., Ensign, Nov 2012 10 Scott D. Whiting, Temple Standard, Ensign, Nov 2012 11 Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery, 54
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step six
Become entirely ready to have God remove all our character weaknesses.

ow that we have applied Steps One through Five, we have come to understand and accept that we are not perfect. We are encouraged by the message of President Dieter F. Uchtdorf: Every one of us makes mistakes, including you and me. 1 We have previously acknowledged our imperfections and have become willing to take responsibility for them.
Many of us may have held on to the mistaken belief that our weaknesses identify and define who we are; therefore we feel we are unable to change. By now, we have begun to see ourselves differently, our feelings of self-worth are increasing and we have recognized which areas of our lives are holding us back. In order to receive the blessing of Step Six, we humbly and prayerfully seek the spiritual gift of a change of heart. The Lord promises those who seek this blessing: A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you (Ezekiel 36:26). Elder Boyd K. Packer explained this process: spiritual heart surgery, like in the body, may cause you pain and require a change in habits and conduct. But in both cases, recovery brings renewed life and peace of mind. 2 A change of heart will purify our desire to become changed through Christ.
Many of us have tried before to rid ourselves of bad habits and have found it a difficult or seemingly impossible task. We have learned that good intentions or willpower alone are not enough to completely eliminate our weaknesses. We come to accept that we are involved in a process we cannot accomplish on our own. Only with the help of our Savior do we find the power to fully change our hearts and our behaviors. Elder Bruce D. Porter taught: All of us have weaknesses that cannot be overcome by our own strength alone; by exercising faith in Christ we receive strength beyond our own. 3 When we invite our Savior to change our heart by becoming willing to give up our weaknesses, we receive the power we need from the only source that can supply it. With this understanding we can define willpower as yielding our will and combining it with Gods power to overcome any weakness. We are reminded that we are in a partnership with a Power greater than ourselves. Our role in this partnership is to accept ourselves as we are, flaws and all, and to become willing to let go of all that stands in the way of our health and growth. 4

Discovering our real identity
The attitudes and beliefs we may have acquired about ourselves that do not reflect our divine worth, can stand in the way of healing and change in our lives. Elder F. Enzio Busche taught: The only way to find truth isto see the original real me, the child of God, in its innocence and potential in contrast to the influence from the other part of me, the flesh, with its selfish desires and foolishness. 5 From the time we were children we began developing a mental image of ourselves. Our self perceptions have been tainted by negative experiences and even by the adversary who tirelessly seeks to distort our self image. However, as we seek to see ourselves as God sees us; we recognize the righteous desires and goodness that are at the core of our true selves. Sister Patricia T. Holland stated: I testify that you are holythat divinity is abiding within you waiting to be uncoveredto be unleashed and magnified and demonstrated. 6 As we have thoroughly inventoried our strengths as well as our weaknesses in Steps Four and Five, relying on the guidance of the Spirit of the Lord, our eyes have become opened to see more clearly our divine potential. This prepares us to become willing to let go of those areas in our lives that are interfering with our growth and happiness.
Avoid self-contempt
As we prepare to let go of our weaknesses, we avoid despairing about them and allowing ourselves to have feelings of self-contempt. Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught: [Many] of us who would not chastise a neighbor for his frailties have a field day with our
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step six
Become entirely ready to have God remove all our character weaknesses. weaknesses, as these are regularly demonstrated by lifes circumstances. Nevertheless, this is part of coming unto Christ, and it is a vital part of Gods plan of happiness. 10
own. Some of us stand before no harsher a judge than ourselves Fortunately, the Lord loves us [much] more than we love ourselves. What can we do to manage these vexing feelings of inadequacy? We can distinguish more clearly betweendissatisfaction with self and disdain for self. We need the first and must shun the second. He who was thrust down in the first estate delights to have us put ourselves down. Self contempt is of Satan; there is none of it in heaven. 7 Condemning and shaming ourselves is counterproductive to growth, happiness and change in our lives. Elder Anthony D. Perkins counseled: Refrain from repeatedly thinking or saying negative words about yourselfthere is a clear difference between humility and humiliation. 8 If we allow our negative thoughts and feelings of guilt to continue, we may lose hope that change is possible. Elder Marvin J. Ashton explained: [A] cross thatcan be very heavyis the lack of self-esteema continuing unwillingness to accept oneself. [Do] you give yourself low marks no matter what you do? Self-condemnation and low self esteem are heavy crosses. Sometimesyou must be your own advocate. Sometimes you need to be the one who refuses to condemn yourself. Being down on oneself is a destructive situation. What a crossto convince oneself that we cant do it or cant make it! 9
Surrendering all our weaknesses
There is no weakness too large or too small to face in this Step. We guard against making excuses or rationalizing any of our weaknesses. We are seeking to become willing to surrender every character flaw, including thought patterns that influence our negative emotions and behaviors. Elder Robert C. Gay taught about being willing to give up our sins: This is the exchange the Savior is asking of us: we are to give up all our sins, big or small, for the Fathers reward of eternal life. We are to forget self-justifying stories, excuses, rationalizations, defense mechanisms, procrastinations, appearances, personal pride, judgmental thoughts, and doing things our way. We are to separate ourselves from all worldliness and take upon us the image of God in our countenances. 11 As we become willing to let go of weaknesses we have already identified, the Lord will continue to quietly and lovingly increase our aware-ness of other weaknesses that are holding us back.
Desire to change
God will show us our weaknesses
In Steps Four and Five we identified our weaknesses through the principles of truth and self-honesty. In Step Six, we revisit our list and humbly ask to be shown what God would have us see. And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them (Ether 12:27). We come to see that Gods divine purpose in allowing us to have weaknesses is to encourage us to humbly rely upon Christ and receive His power to become strong. Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught: It is not an easy thing, however, to be shown ones
Feeling dissatisfaction with our weaknesses can actually have a positive influence on usit can increase our desire to allow Christ to remove them. One family member shared: Sometimes I get so frustrated with certain weaknesses occurring over and over and how they are interfering with my happiness, that I decide that I am finally ready to get rid of them. As we honestly face our weaknesses, the process of change can begin. When we finally realize how our weaknesses are negatively impacting our lives, we gain a stronger desire and willingness to let go of them. (See Alma 5:1419). Elder L. Lionel Kendrick taught: Our motivation to change comes from the desires of our hearts.Our spirit must crave the need to change. Alma taught this powerful principle when he said, I know that he granteth unto men according to their desire (Alma 29:4). 12 Our sincere desire to change precedes our willingness to let go of our weaknesses. When we truly desire to change we will become
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step six
Become entirely ready to have God remove all our character weaknesses. ways. This desire is increased when we fully comprehend the blessings that await us.
willing to let go of our old ways of doing things and trust that the spirit of the Lord will teach us new
the promise of step six

As we pray to become entirely ready to release our weaknesses, we remember that this is not a do-itourselves program. We are not abdicating self-responsibility, but we are learning to trust God, trust the process and trust ourselves. When it is time to change, we will become changed. We will receive the power, help, and ability to do that. For now, our part is becoming ready to let go. 13 As we become willing to let go, we demonstrate our trust in God and in His desire to help us. As we do so, we will develop a closer and more personal relationship with our Father in Heaven. Elder Neal A. Maxwell explained: One simply surrenders, caring only about what God thinks, not what they think, while meekly offering, O God, make thyself known unto me, and I will give away all my sins to know thee.(Alma 22:18.) Giving away all our sins is the only way we can come to know God. 14 Our willingness to surrender all of our weaknesses will increase as we recognize that this goal is attainable. With Gods help, we can overcome seemingly impossible obstacles. Miracles can grace our lives, and serenity can take the place of despair. Our defects of character can be blessings in disguise, because in order to be free of them, we must deepen our faith, and that spiritual depth will bless our lives. 15 This Step is the beginning of a transformation in our lives. We now begin to view our lives with eternal perspective. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf shared: Oh, it is wonderful to know that our Heavenly Father loves useven with all our flaws! His love is such that even should we give up on ourselves, He never will. We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today. Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever.The gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of transformation. It takes us as men and women of the earth and refines us into men and women for the eternities. 16
working the step

Before we begin this section in the workbook, we prayerfully re-read the Step and underline the information that pertains specifically to our challenges. As we Work the Step we ponder upon the message of the Step principles while we write our answers to the questions provided. As we take the time to write down our feelings, the Spirit will guide our thoughts and help us better understand ourselves and our loved ones. As we continue to write about our journey through the Twelve Steps, we will be able to look back at the written record of our thoughts, gain greater perspective and recognize the progress we are making. Writing is a gift that will bless our lives now and in the future. discover my real identity
I am the offspring of the King of Heaven
Elder Boyd K. Packer explained: You are a child of God. He is the Father of your spirit. Spiritually you are of noble birth, the offspring of the King of Heaven. Fix that truth in your mind and hold to it. However many generations in your ancestry, not matter what race or people you represent, the pedigree of your spirit can be written on a single line. You are a child of God! 17 How does fixing the truth in my mind that I am of noble birth help me become willing to allow God to remove my weaknesses?
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step six
Become entirely ready to have God remove all our character weaknesses. avoid self contempt
Ask God to reveal all my weaknesses
Rejoice over all that is good within me
Patricia Holland explained: To see ourselves as we really are often brings pain, but it is only through true humility, repentance, and renewal that we will come to know God. Learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart, he said. (Matt. 11:29.) We must be patient with ourselves as we overcome weaknesses, and we must remember to rejoice over all that is good in us. 18 How can recognizing our weakness, though painful, bring us to know God?
President Ezra Taft Benson taught: In prayer we can ask Him to reveal to us our weaknesses so that we can amend our lives. 20 Has the spirit of the Lord helped me to recognize any weaknesses? What weaknesses am I tempted to excuse or justify? How can I allow the mercy of God to help me humbly recognize all my weaknesses? desire to change
Looking at myself
Keeping perspective
Elder Cecil O. Samuelson taught: Too many of us tend to glory in or dwell on our weaknesses, temptations, and shortcomings.Occasionally, for well-motivated and highly devoted Latter-day Saints, confusion occurs about the differences between worthiness and perfection. Worthiness and perfection dont mean the same thing! All of us are works in process. We can be worthy while still needing improvement. 19 What is the difference between worthiness and perfection? Do I magnify my weaknesses, sometimes to the point of despair? What can I do to recognize and acknowledge my progress? How can I avoid becoming a perfectionist and dwelling on my shortcomings? god will show me my weaknesses
Trying to change other people is futile, foolish, and certainly not loving. Today, instead of assuming that they are the problem, I can look at myself to see what needs changing within. 21 How can I focus on changing myself instead of trying to change others? Am I willing to allow God to take away my desire to judge others and to change them?
The courage to lose my old self
Elder Marvin J. Ashton explained: Those who are committed to improvement break chains by having the courage to try.Every worthy change means riskthe risk of losing an old and damaging habit for a new and improved way of life. If fear and an unwillingness to take the risk and challenge of the better way of life gain the upper hand, we will not be able to change.Even the chains of fear can be broken by those who will humbly seek Gods help and strength. 22 What am I afraid to let go of? Why am I afraid? How can I gain the courage to allow God to change me?
Willingness requires humility
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them (Ether 12: 27, emphasis added). How can this scripture change my perceptions about my weaknesses? Do I believe that my weaknesses can become strengths? How is humility part of this process?
Desire a new heart
Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can He now take them allevery one? If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us to be willing. 23 Am I still clinging to some of my character weaknesses? Which ones? How can I become willing to allow the Lord to help me in each of these areas of my life?
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step six

Doing things His way
While working this Step, I discovered I was experiencing a major shift in my thinking. I had always viewed my spiritual growth as being a process of sorting through my weaknesses to find one that I was okay with working on and then trying to do better in that area. I began to see that in truth, I have always held back from turning everything over to Christ and becoming one of His followers. I can now see that my character weaknesses are more about wanting to do things my way. Now I understand that being ready to have God remove my character weaknesses requires my willingness to do things His way.
Thoughts, feelings and beliefs have changed
My change of heart is noticed by others
By the time I reached this Step, I became willing to give away all of my sins in order to know God. (See Alma 22:18) I didnt want anything to remain that would distance me from God and His love for me. I knew that I would still need to take it one day at a time and trust in His timing for my complete healing. The change within my heart has begun to show on the outside and others have mentioned the growth they have witnessed in me.
I felt Godly sorrow
As I prayed for Heavenly Father to show me my weaknesses in Step Four, I began to see myself differently. I recognized how human and even weak I was at times. I was able to see through my inventory process, how my weaknesses had hurt others and especially hurt myself. I began to feel a Godly sorrow concerning my weaknesses. I refused to feel hatred and disgust towards myself when looking at my weaknesses because of Ether 12: 27, I give unto men weakness that they may be humble . . . for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. I realized that my weaknesses were meant to help me humbly turn to God. I began to desire to change the negative behavior patterns in my life. This analysis prepared me to move easily into Step Six. I already had a powerful desire to let go; I chose to regularly ponder and prepare myself to actually tell the Lord I was completely willing.
I think the most surprising idea I have learned in the Twelve Step program is that I cannot change myself, and that my Heavenly Father doesn't expect me to. I had grown to believe Satan's liesthat my salvation and perfection depended only upon me. It has taken time studying the Steps, earnestly praying, and consistently journaling to begin to see my heart change. It has been a miraculous experience for me. Many of my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs have changed seemingly without effort on my part. I know it is a gift from God. I no longer feel angry, bitter, or like a victim. What he needs from me is my love and support as he works through his own recovery program. I feel increased compassion for my husband as well as for other people. I feel content allowing myself time to work on my own weaknesses, and I don't feel compelled to fix everyone else's problems. I still enjoy serving others, but I don't feel responsible for meeting every need or desire of those around me. I feel a respect for others and their efforts to meet the trials and difficulties the Lord has given them. I feel so much happier about who I am, and I feel much more at peace. I find it easier to love my husband, and I feel that I am much easier for my husband to love. I feel able to enjoy life and connect with other people. I see the tender mercies of the Lord much more clearly in my life. I feel like I have a whole new starta whole new opportunity to be who I really am and who the Savior wants me to be.
Letting go of the old self
I am not sure why I wanted to hold on to weaknesses that were hurting me. Becoming entirely ready to let God remove my short comings was harder than I thought it would be. I held on to what I knew and was used to. It comforted me in a weird way to continue being my same old self. I read one day about how abused children who were taken from the very parent that was hurting them, would cling to that parent and cry as the authorities would remove them from a terrible environment. I immediately saw myself like those children. I asked myself why I was holding and clinging to the behaviors and attitudes that were hurting me. I became entirely
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step six
ready. I could see that there would be no healing without letting go of my old self and letting God help me to find a new, better self.
A better way
The first time I read Step Six, I remember thinking: How hard can that be? To become entirely ready seemed to require about 30 seconds of thought, especially since God would be the one doing the work. After working Steps One through Five, however, I found Step Six to be as challenging as any of the previous Steps. I had uncovered feelings and resentments that I wasn't sure I was willing to let go ofat least not all of the time. I felt incapable of living life without the coping mechanisms that had served as my crutch and support, unsure of how else to manage my life. I prayed for help to let go of my fears. I began to have some days when I felt hopeful and was willing to release my weaknesses, followed by days when I felt anxious and wanted to snatch them back. This pattern continued, with more willing days between each hard day. Finally I felt that I was ready to completely trust my Heavenly Father to teach me a better way to live and to walk with me as I yielded my weaknesses to Him.
Surrendering my life
Step Six opened my heart as I began to work on myself. As I surrendered my life, I found hope and solace in Jesus Christ. He began to slowly change me. My change of heart came about through self-evaluation and sincere repentance. I saw my pain, my behavior, and how I hurt others. I sought forgiveness. I humbled myself before the Lord, and asked for Him to help me change. This has been a very painful journey. I felt sorrow as I recognized my own mistakes and sins. I repented and turned them all over to my Savior. Step Six was a heros journey because it took great courage to face my own mortal struggles. As I became willing to see, to admit, and to surrender my weaknesses and mistakes to God, I received the blessings that come from allowing Him to heal my broken heart and give me a new heart. scripture references and endnotes Ezekiel 36:26; Ether 12:27; Alma 5:1419; Alma 29:4; Alma 22:18; Alma 42:30.
Dieter F. Uchtdorf, One Key to a Happy Family, Ensign, Oct 2012 2 Boyd K. Packer, The Touch of the Masters Hand, Ensign, May 2001 3 Bruce D. Porter, The First Principles and Ordinances of the Gospel, Ensign, Oct 2000 4 Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 55 5 F. Enzio Busche, Truth Is the Issue, Ensign, Nov 1993 6 Patricia T. Holland, One Thing Needful,, Ensign, Oct 1987 7 Neal A. Maxwell, Not Withstanding My Weakness, Ensign, Nov 1976 8 Anthony D. Perkins, The Great and Wonderful Love, Ensign, Nov 2006 9 Marvin J. Ashton, Carry Your Cross, Ensign, Feb 1988 10 Neal A. Maxwell, Not Withstanding My Weakness, Ensign, Nov 1976 11 Robert C. Gay What Shall a Man Give in Exchange for His Soul?, Ensign, Nov 2012 12 L. Lionel Kendrick, Strength During Struggles, Ensign, Oct 2001 13 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 108 14 Neal A. Maxwell, Repentance, Ensign, Nov 1991 15 Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 56 16 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, The Way of the Disciple, Ensign, May 2009 17 Boyd K. Packer, To Young Women and Men, Ensign, May 1989 18 Patricia T. Holland, One Thing Needful,, Ensign, Oct 1987 19 Cecil O. Samuelson, What Does It Mean to Be Perfect? New Era, Jan 2006 20 Ezra Taft Benson, In His Steps, Ensign, Sep 1988 21 Al-Anon Family Groups, Courage to Change, 244 22 Marvin J. Ashton, Shake Off the Chains with Which Ye Are Bound, Ensign, Nov 1986 23 Alcoholics Anonymous, Big Book, 76
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step seven
Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove our shortcomings.

t is helpful to understand that There is a natural progression through our Steps, we are never asked to do anything before we are fully prepared and ready. In the same way Step Seven is the natural follow-up to Steps Four, Five and Six. Now that we have taken our inventory, discussed the exact nature of our wrongs and become entirely ready for God to remove our defects, it follows that the next Step would be to ask Him to do so. 1
the Faith booklet: To be humble is to recognize gratefully your dependence on the Lordto understand that you have constant need for His supportIt is not a sign of weakness, timidity, or fear; it is an indication that you know where your true strength lies. 3 Because Heavenly Father honors our agency, He will only proceed to bring about a mighty change in our life when we have become completely ready to ask for His help. Elder Howard W. Hunter described this principle when he said: "He always acts with unfailing respect for the freedom and independence that we possess. He wants to help us and pleads for the chance to assist us, but he will not do so in violation of our agency. 4 We prayerfully ask that God will begin the miracle of transforming our lives. Elder David A. Bednar explained: This mighty change is not simply the result of working harder or developing greater individual discipline. Rather, it is the consequence of a fundamental change in our desires, our motives, and our natures made possible through the Atonement of Christ the Lord. 5
Step Seven is an action step that we apply by humbly praying for His help to remove our weaknesses. It is often referred to as the transformation step because our lives become improved and changed as we prayerfully rely on Gods grace to change us. In this Step, we [come to] accept ourselves as we are, with all our limitations. And chief among those limitations is the fact that we cannot bring about a mighty change by ourselves. By accepting that God can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves, we begin to achieve the humility that is necessary for change to take place. In Step Seven, we put that acceptance to work. We take action. 2 The type of humility we will need to do this Step is well defined in the LDS True to

Understand the grace of God
In the LDS Bible Dictionary we read, The main idea of the word grace is divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ.It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. 6 Elder Gene R. Cook testified: The doctrine of the grace of the Father and the Son and how it affects us is so significant that it is mentioned more than two hundred times in the standard worksLet us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16) I bear witness that if we will seek the grace of God, He will come to our aid and the aid of our loved ones in times of need. 7
Lose the old self to find the new self
As we prepare to approach Heavenly Father in prayer, we may experience the fear that He will remove everything that makes us who we are. We may be concerned that our own identity may be altered and that we will not like who we will become. Melody Beattie explained: God doesnt remove me. God takes only those traits that restrict and stop me from being myself. 8 As we allow our weaknesses to be removed, our true self will become more evident. Some weaknesses will be completely removed, while others will be replaced. Anger and rage may be transformed into calmness and patience. Fear may be transformed into hope, faith and courage.
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step seven
Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove our shortcomings. despair of ever changingThat is when I say thank you, God, for who You are. Thank you for this program that says I dont have to do it alone. Thank you that I am right where I am supposed to be. Thank you for this defect. Thank you that I cant change it [alone]. Thank you that You can. Thank you that all I have to do is become ready to let go. 11 As we continue to pray for guidance, the Spirit of the Lord will prompt us when we are faced with situations where our weaknesses are easily manifested giving us opportunities either to repeat our same old responses or to practice something new. By knowing our own shortcomings and looking for alternative ways to act, we find new, positive options for old, negative behaviors. 12 Rather than expecting instant perfection, we should focus on progressing one day at a time. As we become willing to release our weaknesses, we may find we are prepared to let go of them one day, but wanting to hang on to them the next. This pattern is human nature at its best. Recognizing this instinctive interference can help us avoid discouragement. As we work through Step Seven, it is helpful to remember that God is aware of every effort we make. He will change us as we continue to ask for His help and rely on His grace. If we become discouraged at times and feel that we are not progressing, we can reflect on how our lives were before we began applying the Steps. We will see how our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are changing and how much we have improved. Therefore, we patiently wait on the Lord (Proverbs 20:22) and submit to His perfect timetable. Allowing God to remove our weaknesses is one of the most beneficial processes we will go through in our lifetime. But it doesnt mean all our defects will be lifted out instantly. Some might go right away. Others will go in time. Still, other defects will improve with patient adherence to the principles of [the Twelve Steps]. We always want to aim for the bestWe accept ourselves, as we travel at our own pace towards spiritual growth. 13
With this understanding, we rely on the foundation we have built through working the previous Steps. Trusting in Gods plan for us, we have faith that we will like ourselves even more, because we are becoming the person Heavenly Father intends us to be. Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught: He is only asking us to lose the old self in order to find the new self. It is not a question of ones losing identity but of finding [ones] true identity! 9
Allow God to turn weakness into strength
Sister Bonnie D. Parkin stated: Our weaknesses can direct our hearts toward Heavenly Father and His will for us. This can be a hard thing! Its painful! Its daunting! But its humbling, and when we are humble enough to acknowledge our dependence on the Lord in overcoming those weaknesses, He fills our hearts with His everlasting love, turning our weaknesses into strengths. 10 This process begins when we recognize our shortcomings. The Lord has promised that because thou hast seen thy weakness thou shalt be made strong (Ether 12:37). The strength we receive enables us to completely surrender our weaknesses and allows His power to remove them from us. With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).
Exercise patience in the process
We look for weaknesses to surrender and suddenly, it becomes time to change. We begin to notice that behavior. We bump into it, over and over again. We begin to feel the pain from that behavior, the helplessness, the hopelessness, our own inability to change. And we wonder how things will or can ever be any different. Thats when its time to remind ourselves that we are changing. Right now, we are in the process of becoming changedSometimes I get so sick of a certain behavior that I think Im going to explode if I do it one more time. Then I usually engage in it one more time, and often several more. Thats how we become ready. We get pelleted, sometimes bombed, by awarenessIve noticed that the closer I come to being healed of a certain defect or issue, the harder it becomes to live with myself and that issue. It glares. It bites. It stands right there in my way. I
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step seven
Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove our shortcomings.
the promise of step seven

Elder Neal A. Maxwell explained: Gods grace is sufficient for each of us if we remember there are no instant Christiansthe Lord has clearly promised to succor us in the midst of our temptationsSuch divine, close-in support as is promised in the scriptures means that Gods grace will be sufficient for us if we are humble. However, we must turn ourselves over to the Lord, so that we can be succored by Him and so that our weaknesses can even become strengthsthus we are to keep everlastingly at it, being nourished by these great promises, knowing that our journey is not the journey of one day but of a lifetimein so far as we are proceeding we are succeeding. 14 We follow the admonition found in the Book of Mormon to come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodlinessthat by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ (Moroni 10: 32-33). Allowing our Savior to remove our weaknesses is a vital part of our journey through life. Elder Gene R. Cook taught: Christ can repair our flaws and failings that otherwise are not repairable. 15 How blessed we are to come to understand that significant change is possible in this life. Elder L. Lionel Kendrick explained: The Savior knoweth the weakness of man (D&C 62:1). In spite of our weakness, He loves us in an incomprehensible manner and offers us great hope: I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them (Ether 12:27). 16 Elder Robert D. Hales explained: As we are made new in Christ, our very natures change and we no longer want to go back to our old ways. 17 The more we allow Gods power and love to refine us, the more joy we will experience. Elder Bruce C. Hafen affirmed that weaknesses can be a blessing: Struggling with those problems is at the very core of lifes purpose. As we draw close to God, He will show us our weaknesses and through them make us wiser, stronger. If youre seeing more of your weaknesses that just might mean youre moving nearer to God, not farther away. 18
working the step

Before we begin this section in the workbook, we prayerfully re-read the Step and underline the information that pertains specifically to our challenges. As we Work the Step we ponder upon the message of the Step principles while we write our answers to the questions provided. As we take the time to write down our feelings, the Spirit will guide our thoughts and help us better understand ourselves and our loved ones. As we continue to write about our journey through the Twelve Steps, we will be able to look back at the written record of our thoughts, gain greater perspective and recognize the progress we are making. Writing is a gift that will bless our lives now and in the future. humbling seeking the grace of god
Gods grace is sufficient
I knew that if I could learn humility, the Lord would make me strong. But I did not feel strong, and my weaknesses were becoming more evident with every passing day. So what was I missing? I decided to read the verse again. This time it was different. It was as if I had missed something in my previous readings. My grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me. As I read that line again, the Spirit overwhelmed me. The grace of Christ is sufficient! With insight from the Spirit, I felt things begin to fall into placeMy problem was not that I had done something wrong but that I had failed to do something right. In my pride, I was trying to make myself perfect, rather than humbling myself before Jesus Christ and asking for His help in overcoming my
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step seven
Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove our shortcomings. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me (Philippians 4:13, see verses 1113). How can surrendering my weaknesses to God allow me to feel the power of Christ? How can I more fully desire to partner with my Savior and allow Him to strengthen me in this process?
weaknesses. Of course I was failing! None of us can do it alonewe can become perfected only in Christ, with His help. We must do our part, of course. But unless we truly come unto Christ, we cannot be saved, nor can the power of the Atonement take effect in our lives. But if we come unto Christ, then His grace is sufficient for usnot too little, but enough. 19
Humility is strength
Be perfected in Christ
Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up (James 4:10). I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God. Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things. (Alma 26: 11-12) How can recognizing that I am weak help me depend upon the strength of the Lord? When have I seen Gods power in my life? Do I believe that in His strength I can do all things? How can I rejoice in Gods power in my life and find joy?
Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God. And again, if ye by the grace of God are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then are ye sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ, which is in the covenant of the Father unto the remission of your sins, that ye become holy, without spot (Moroni 10:32-33). How is denying myself of ungodliness the same as becoming willing to release my weaknesses? Moroni mentions the grace of Christ five times in these two scriptures. How does his explanation strengthen my belief that I can become perfected in Christ through the power of His grace? How is loving God with all my might, mind and strength connected to receiving His grace? finding the new self
Gods grace is the power
The Lord God showeth us our weakness that we may know that it is by his gracethat we have power to do these things (Jacob 4:7). Have I come to understand and accept Gods grace in my life? Do I believe that He can make the weak things in me become strong? How can petitioning for Gods grace help me fall at the feet of my Savior with deepest gratitude and love?
Look to Christ to find your new self
Desire to receive the power of Christ
My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.for when I am weak, then am I strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, emphasis added).
C. S. Lewis taught: Your real, new self (which is Christs and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him. Elder Robert D. Hales explained: As we are made new in Christ, our very natures change and we no longer want to go back to our old ways. 20
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step seven
Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove our shortcomings. to change; that is, some of us need to be more kind at home, less selfish, better listeners, and more considerate in the way we treat others. Some of us have habits that need to be changed, habits that harm us and others around us. Sometimes we may need a jolt to propel us into changing. 23 What weaknesses are harming me and others? How will forsaking my weaknesses increase my feelings of self worth? patience in the process
How can I be willing to look to Christ and allow Him to show me who I can become? How can I be willing to have my very nature changed? turning weaknesses into strengths
God wants to help us
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf counseled: Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Its wonderful that you have strengths. And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses. God wants to help us to eventually turn all of our weaknesses into strengths, but He knows that this is a long-term goal. He wants us to become perfect, and if we stay on the path of discipleship, one day we will. Its okay that youre not quite there yet. Keep working on it, but stop punishing yourself. 21 What can I do to help myself to believe that God can turn my weaknesses into strengths?
Trusting the process
Forsaking weaknesses
It is a gradual process, a healing process, and a spiritual process. It doesnt hurt.It is a palatable process.once we become willing to feel instead of resist [and] once we become willing to surrender. It is not, I learned, an instantaneous process. And there is nothing to fear. Over the years, we become changed. 24 What can I do to continue to ask for Heavenly Father to remove my weaknesses even if the process may take time? How can I maintain my faith that it will happen?
President James E. Faust asked: Can we respect ourselves when we do things that we do not admire and may even condemn in others? . . . Forsaking of weaknesses . . . [is] a great restorative salve for the strengthening of human worth and dignity. 22 President Faust also taught: Each one of us has been given the power to change his or her life. As part of the Lords great plan of happiness, we have individual agency to make decisions. We can decide to do better and to be better. In some ways all of us need
The Holy Ghost purifies
The Holy Ghost acts as a cleansing agent to purify a person and sanctify him from all sin (Bible Dictionary p. 704). How will surrendering my weaknesses to God help to begin a process of purifying my soul?

Humility and courage
I thought I was a humble person but I came face to face with the reality that I could be much more humble. Asking Heavenly Father to remove my shortcomings took more courage than I had expected. However, I knew that He could and would remove them. Now when I am struggling with a weakness, I know I can ask Him over and over again to remove it. I know He will never turn me away.
A burning coal
One day, after praying about something that I was feeling particularly angry about, I had an image come to my mind. I reached into a hot fire and picked up a burning coal. My initial reaction was to toss the burning coal back into the fire so I wouldnt be badly burned. I then realized that by holding on to anger, I was damaging my spirit in the same way the burning coal would damage my hand. I came to realize that only God could help me to truly eliminate the pain
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step seven
Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove our shortcomings. scripture references and endnotes Hebrews 4:16; Ether 12:37; Matthew 19: 26; Proverbs 20:22; Moroni 10:32-33; D&C 62:1; Ether 12:27; 2 Corinthians 12:9-10; Philippians 4:13; Jacob 4:7; James 4:10; D&C 1:28; Alma 26:11-12; Moroni 8:16.
Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery,72 Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 57 3 The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, True to the Faith, 86 4 Howard W. Hunter, The Golden Thread of Choice, Ensign, Nov 1989 5 David A. Bednar, Clean Hands and a Pure Heart, Ensign, Nov 2007 6 Bible Dictionary, 697 7 Gene R. Cook, Receiving Divine Assistance through the Grace of the Lord, Ensign, May 1993 8 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 111 9 Neal A. Maxwell, Swallowed Up in the Will of the Father, Ensign, Nov 1995 10 Bonnie D. Parkin, Feeling the Love of the Lord through Humility, Ensign, Oct. 2004 11 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 105106 12 Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery,73 13 S-Anon International Family Groups, 64 14 Neal A. Maxwell, Notwithstanding My Weakness, 11, 14, 16, 17 15 Gene R. Cook, Receiving Divine Assistance through the Grace of the Lord, Ensign, May 1993 16 L. Lionel Kendrick, Strength During Struggles, Ensign, Oct 2001 17 Robert D. Hales, Being a More Christian Christian, Ensign, Nov 2012 18 Bruce C. Hafen, The Atonement: All for All, Ensign, May 2004 19 Rosalyn Collings Eves, What Was I Missing?, New Era, Apr 2004 20 Robert D. Hales, Becoming More Christian Christians, Ensign, Nov 2012 21 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Forget Me Not, Ensign, Nov 2011 22 James E. Faust, The Dignity of Self, Ensign, May 1981 23 James E. Faust, "The Power to Change," Ensign, Nov. 2007 24 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 112
1 2
and disappointment that I was feeling. I knew that the only way I could let go of it all was to completely humble myself and ask Heavenly Father to take away the anger I was feeling. I also realized that Satans goal was for me to hold on to the hurt and angry feelings and use them to destroy my marriage. I can honestly say that I feel no anger toward my husband for his addiction. The Savior has carried that burden for me. With those destructive feelings out of the way, I am able to put my energy into positive and constructive behaviors that build up my relationship with my husband. I still find anger trying to creep in every so often, but the Lords grace is always there for me to draw upon.
Acknowledge feelings and let them go
As I began to work on Step Seven, I realized that fear was a major contributor to my codependency. I have experienced the grace of God in removing overpowering fear from my heart. I have also learned that experiencing some fear is a natural part of mortality. As I turn to the Lord, His love and grace will take away my fear, For perfect love casteth out all fear (Moroni 8:16). My weaknesses are magnified by fear. I learned that I must face my fears with courage and turn them over to the Lord. I do not allow my fears to control me anymore. The Spirit of the Lord is teaching me many powerful lessons as I surrender to Him, because when I am weak then am I strong (2 Cor. 12: 10).
Becoming entirely ready
I prayed for the Lord to do His part and take my weaknesses from me; then I waited. Time passed and I continued to pray and work at developing increased love for my husband and more Christ-like attitudes. Without noticing a specific moment of change, one day I realized that my resentments towards my husband and my fears about our future were gone. I truly felt peaceful and loving towards my husband. About a week after my realization, my husband thanked me for the change he had noticed in me, sharing with me how much it helped him to feel such love from me. I asked him to explain what he had noticed I was doing differently, and he responded, Nothing really, you are just different than before.
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step eight
Make a written list of all persons we have harmed and become willing to make amends to them.

n Step Eight we begin the process of becoming willing to heal our personal relationships by preparing to make amends. Amends may be defined as doing or giving something to make up for any injury we may have caused. When we experience having a loved one in addiction we live in an environment where we become so focused on others that we miss the fact that our own behavior has not always been so wonderful. No matter how pure our intentions, our actions have consequences, and sometimes, intentionally or unintentionally, we hurt those around us. 1 Now is the time to prepare to make amends with our loved ones and others that we may have harmed. As with all of the Steps, we ask the Lord for spiritual guidance and an endowment of strength, courage and wisdom as we begin Step Eight. Forgiveness, right relationships and peace begin inside us. They begin with this Step. 2
of Step Eight to prepare our hearts. Until we can take this Step in a spirit of self-love and healing, we may not be ready for itIt is not about humiliating ourselves or making others feel better at our expense. It is about owning up to what we have done and becoming willing to free ourselves from the guilt and shame. 4
Recognize where we need to make amends
President Thomas S. Monson explained that conflicts in relationships often come from unresolved disputes, which lead to ill feelings, followed by remorse and regret[Other conflicts] find their beginnings in disappointments, jealousies, arguments, and imagined hurts. We must solve themlay them to rest and not leave them to canker, fester, and ultimately destroy. 3 With this inspired counsel, we may be tempted to quickly move to Step Nine and begin making amends. However, if we are still struggling with resentments or hurt feelings, it will be difficult to make amends. We allow the introspective process
Working through the previous Steps has prepared us to recognize how our character weaknesses and unhealthy behaviors may have affected others in a negative way. Reviewing our Step Four inventory can provide valuable self understanding as we prayerfully and honestly recognize our part in all relationship conflicts. Elder Neal A. Maxwell explained: the first rays of recognition help us begin to see things as they really are (Jacob 4:13), including distinguishing between the motes and beams. Recognition is a sacred moment. 5 As we prepare our list, we are seeking to be as thorough as possible. We consider past and present relationships with immediate family, extended family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, employers and associations at church or other organizations. If we have harbored anger, resentment or grudges toward others, this will be our opportunity to follow the encouragement of President Gordon B. Hinckley: May God help us to be a little kinderlay aside old grudges and nurture them no more. 6

Begin writing our list
As we begin our list, we realize that everyone has at some time been hurt or offended as President Dieter F. Uchtdorf explained: We have all been wounded [and] we all have wounded others. 7 Our Heavenly Father will help us to recall the names of all those we need to include on our list, for His promise is that the Holy Ghost will bring all things to [our] remembrance (John 14:26). We begin by identifying any relationship which causes us to feel discomfort or negative feelings. Remember, we have started on a deep healing process, so you take the time you need to be as thorough as possible. You are the person that will benefit from your thoroughness. 8 Begin writing a list by using four sheets of paper. 1st sheet: the persons who have harmed us 2nd sheet: those we have harmed 3rd sheet: how we have harmed ourselves 4th sheet: how we may have withdrawn from God
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step eight
Make a written list of all persons we have harmed and become willing to make amends to them. If we struggle with writing our amends list, we return to prayer and meditation to open our minds and prepare our hearts to become willing. Sometimes we have to pray for the willingness to be willing. 14 When preparing to make amends we talk to our friend in recovery (sponsor) for counsel and direction. In complicated situations, some have found it helpful to receive guidance from a professional counselor or an ecclesiastical leader.
Release negative feelings
Now is the time to begin to forgive those who have harmed us. As we do so, we are better prepared to humbly seek forgiveness from others. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf reminded us that extending forgiveness is a precondition to receiving forgiveness. 9 We begin the process of forgiving others by praying for help to release our negative feelings. When we have experienced pain and suffering, it can be challenging to recognize the mistakes we may have made in our struggling relationships. Even if we have been innocently harmed, we come to understand that lingering resentments are like acid eating away at us. Rehearsing and re-rehearsing old injuries robs us of all that is precious. Shame never liberated a single spirit. And self-righteousness never softened a heart. 10 Because resentments interfere with the amends process, we do all we can to release our negative feelings. Elder James E. Faust counseled: Only as we rid ourselves of hatred and bitterness can the Lord put comfort into our hearts. 11 If we have resentments toward someone, we humbly pray for God to help us see them as He sees them and for our own hearts to be softened toward them. We pray for an outpouring of Gods love and blessings to come upon them. Each day we sincerely and repeatedly pray for them for a minimum of two weeks and continue to do so until we begin to feel our resentments softening. Journaling how our feelings are changing toward them can bring about a change of heart and increase our understanding of the truth in our relationship conflict. This humble, Christ-like endeavor will allow healing miracles into our lives.
Recognize how we have harmed ourselves
We now consider the ways we have harmed ourselves. We may have ignored our physical, emotional and spiritual needs. We may have had feelings of low self worth and participated in self condemnation which has wounded our confidence in and appreciation of who we really are. Reviewing our mistakes and rehearsing them over and over in our hearts and minds only increases negative self criticism, shameful feelings and discouragement. We may have isolated ourselves from others as a result of feeling embarrassed that we have an addicted family member. We do not need to carry heavy burdens of guilt anymore. We become willing to forgive ourselves and allow Christ to heal all of our wounds even those that may have been self-inflicted.
Recognize how we may have wronged God
Recognize those we have harmed
We now review our list of those we have harmed. It does not matter if those people also harmed us. We have to look at our own feelings and actions. Were we loving and forgiving or were we bitter and resentful? 12 At this point we do not worry if [we] are going to have to apologize to these people or what [we] are going to say, or whether [we] will look foolish. It is not time to address those issues. 13 We simply allow the Spirit to increase our understanding and guide us with self honesty and courage.
As family members, we may have felt forsaken by Heavenly Father as we struggled with tremendous sorrows and disappointments. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland reassured that when we experience severe trials we must not succumb to the fear that God has abandoned us or that He does not hear our prayers .When we are in dire circumstances and want to cry, Where art Thou? it is imperative that we remember He is right there with uswhere He has always been! We must continue to believe, continue to have faith, continue to pray and plead with heaven, even if we feel for a time our prayers are not heard and that God has somehow gone away. He is there. Our prayers are heard. And when we weep He and the angels of heaven weep with us. 15 One family member shared: I had withheld my trust and faith in [God] and I had turned away from Him. Now I know that God belongs on the very top of my [amends] list, because He was always with me. He
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step eight
Make a written list of all persons we have harmed and become willing to make amends to them. piness that could be ours. The folly of rehashing longpast hurts does not bring happiness.If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being. Some recent studies show that people who are taught to forgive become less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious and less stressed, which leads to greater physical well-being. 18 One of the purposes of the Lords command of you it is required to forgive all men (D&C 64:10) is to receive the increased serenity and freedom that forgiveness provides. President Faust continued: It will take humility to do this, but if we will get on our knees and ask Heavenly Father for a feeling of forgiveness, He will help us. The Lord requires us to forgive all men for our own good because hatred retards spiritual growth.Forgivenessis a liberating gift [that] people can give to themselves. 19
helped me even when I thought that I was the only one who was taking care of me. 16
Prepare our hearts to forgive
Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. We may be able to forgive some people easily while others may require persistent prayer, the healing process of time and the grace of our Savior. Elder James E. Faust encouraged: Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in. 17 Many of us who have been emotionally wounded find we are prisoners to our own suffering. Forgiveness brings a release of pain to the innermost parts of our soul. President Faust also taught: We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. One of these reasons is waiting for the wrongdoers to repent before we forgive them. Yet such a delay causes us to forfeit the peace and hap-
the promise of step eight

Step Eight begins with a willingness that can begin only within us. Its a willingness to be at peace with the people in our lives, including ourselvesfree of guilt, fear, resentment, and ill feelings because of what has transpired in our pastsAll that has come into our lives was designed to prepare us to become who we are and to help us learn the lessons we came here to learn. There is a purpose for and a gift from each relationship, even the most painful relationships. 20 Our Savior taught: Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. (Matt. 5: 9) In order for us to become peacemakers we need to be willing to release feelings of bitterness and resentment. There is a quiet, honest place that this Step takes us to, a place of dropping defenses and pride, a place where we shed victimization. We become willing to clean our slate, in peace and honesty. 21 We choose to apply the principles of this Step whenever we feel a lack of peace and harmony with others. Step Eight brings us to a consciousness of the importance of Christ-like love in our interactions with others. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf counseled: The pure love of Christ can remove the scales of resentment and wrath from our eyes, allowing us to see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine. Because God loves us so much, we too must love and forgive each otherBrothers and sisters, there is enough heartache and sorrow in this life without our adding to it through our own stubbornness, bitterness, and resentmentWe are not perfect. The people around us are not perfect. People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger. In this mortal life it will always be that wayNevertheless, we must let go of our grievances. Part of the purpose of mortality is to learn how to let go of such things. That is the Lords wayRemember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive. 22
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step eight
working the step

Before we begin this section in the workbook, we prayerfully re-read the Step and underline the information that pertains specifically to our challenges. As we Work the Step we ponder upon the message of the Step principles while we write our answers to the questions provided. As we take the time to write down our feelings, the Spirit will guide our thoughts and help us better understand ourselves and our loved ones. As we continue to write about our journey through the Twelve Steps, we will be able to look back at the written record of our thoughts, gain greater perspective and recognize the progress we are making. Writing is a gift that will bless our lives now and in the future. release negative feelings How have negative emotions blocked the power of the Spirit in my life? How will forgiving others and being willing to seek forgiveness from others help me feel the Spirit more abundantly?
Look for my own fault
Elder Robert D. Hales stated: To be guileless is to have a childlike innocence, to be slow to take offense and quick to forgiveTo be guileless is to look for our own fault first. 25 How does becoming free from guile help me become willing to seek forgiveness and to look for my part in any relationship struggle? recognize those i have harmed
Looking at myself
Forgive and forget earlier mistakes
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught: There is something in us, at least in too many of us, that particularly fails to forgive and forget earlier mistakes in lifeeither mistakes we ourselves have made or the mistakes of others. That is not good. It is not Christian. It stands in terrible opposition to the grandeur and majesty of the Atonement of Christ. To be tied to earlier mistakesour own or other people'sis the worst kind of wallowing in the past from which we are called to cease and desist.repentance has to be sincere, but when it is and when honest effort is being made to progress, we are guilty of the greater sin if we keep remembering and recalling and rebashing someone with their earlier mistakes, and that someone might be ourselves. 23 Are there mistakes I have made that I still need to forgive? Are there mistakes others have made that I continue to remember and feel angry about? How can I become ready to have a forgiving heart towards myself and others?
Who was the recipient of our rage and anger? Are there people we have shamed and blamed? Remember, we are not justifying right now.With whom have we behaved in a way that we dont feel good about? With what people, in what relationships, would we like peace and healing restored? Many of us find that immediate family members go on the list. Most of us find that our children are number one. It is hard to be nurturing, loving, non-shaming, and present to meet our childrens needs in appropriate ways if we have never been nurtured or loved, if all we know is control and shame, and if we ourselves are doubled over in pain. As we make this list, be firm but compassionate with ourselves. Avoid wallowing in guilt. Feeling guilty and ashamed is not the purpose of this list. Being done with guilt and shame is our goal here. 26 How can recognizing those we have harmed be painful? How can these painful feelings begin a change in our relationships?
Be willing to say I am sorry
Negative emotions block the Spirit
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland explained: The Spirit has a near-impossible task to get through to a heart that is filled with hate or anger or vengeance or self-pity. 24
President Thomas S. Monson taught: Sometimes we can take offense so easily. On other occasions we are too stubborn to accept a sincere apology. Who will subordinate ego, pride, and hurtthen step forward with, I am truly sorry! Lets be as we once were:
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step eight
Make a written list of all persons we have harmed and become willing to make amends to them. Allowing ourselves to be abused or mistreated is wrongregardless of the degree of abuse.It is simply not okay to allow ourselves to be victimized. Neglecting ourselves is wrong. Ignoring what we want and need, sometimes to the point that our minds, bodies, and souls rebel by getting sick, is wrong. Neglecting or diminishing our gifts and talents is wrong. Being ashamed of ourselves is wrong. Harboring anger and resentment toward ourselves is wrong. 30 How have I wronged myself?
friends. Lets not pass to future generations the grievances, the anger of our time. 27 What feelings am I willing to release in order to say I am sorry? how i have withdrawn from god
Feeling abandoned by God
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland explained that everyone, including, and perhaps especially, the righteous, will be called upon to face trying times. When that happens we can sometimes fear that God has abandoned us, and we might be left, at least for a time, to wonder when our troubles will ever end. 28 What negative feelings towards Heavenly Father have I held on to? Have I blamed Him for my trials and suffering? Have I felt I am not important enough or worthy to receive answers to my prayers?
Forgiving myself
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught: Sometimes, of all the people in the world, the one who is the hardest to forgiveas well as perhaps the one who is most in need of our forgivenessis the person looking back at us in the mirror. 31 How can I become willing to recognize how I have neglected myself or allowed myself to feel shame and self-hatred? What can I do to prepare to make amends to myself? preparing my heart to forgive
Blaming God
Those who reject the forgiving heart and choose instead to harbor resentments, bitterness, and revenge see the world as a dark place.They are often no more forgiving of their own faults than they are of the faults of others. They are sometimes even angry with God and want to blame him for the frustrations of their lives. Joy finds no place in their hearts. 29 Through all the many tragic trials that Job experienced he did not blame God for his suffering. In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. (Job 1:22) His attitude was to praise God and to seek for His help to endure his adversity. How have I allowed myself to feel God has forsaken me by allowing a loved one to suffer addiction? How can I be willing to praise God for my trials? How will that transform my pain and discouragement? how i may have wronged myself
Offering Forgiveness Brings Joy
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf shared: We will receive the joy of forgiveness in our own lives when we are willing to extend that joy freely to others. Lip service is not enough. We need to purge our hearts and minds of feelings and thoughts of bitterness and let the light and the love of Christ enter in. As a result, the Spirit of the Lord will fill our souls with the joy accompanying divine peace of conscience." 32 Am I willing to offer forgiveness to those on my list? How can I work toward becoming willing and let the love of Christ enter in?
Stop Judging Others
Evaluating how I treat myself
Not trusting ourselves or listening to ourselves is wrong. Not loving ourselves is wrong. Allowing ourselves to be lied to and deceived to the point that we no longer listen to or heed our instincts is wrong.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught: I imagine that every person on earth has been affected in some way by the destructive spirit of contention, resentment, and revenge. Perhaps there are even times when we recognize this spirit in ourselves. When we feel hurt, angry, or envious, it is quite easy to judge other peo-
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step eight
Make a written list of all persons we have harmed and become willing to make amends to them. could this recognition help me understand my part in any relationship conflicts? preparing my heart to make amends
ple, often assigning dark motives to their actions in order to justify our own feelings of resentmentThis topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following: Stop it! Its that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. 33 When have I fallen prey to resentments? When have I judged others and been tempted to gossip about them? What can I do to stop this pattern? How
Have courage to become willing
Be strong and of good courage, and do it: fear not, nor be dismayed: for the Lord Godwill be with thee (1 Chronicles 28:20). With whom and in what situations will it require courage on my part to make amends? What can I do to obtain the courage I will need?

I was honest with the Lord and with myself
Writing a list of those that I had harmed required complete honesty with the Lord and with myself. At first, I could only see how my addicted loved one had harmed me. It was difficult and humbling to take full responsibility for my part in the problem. Focusing on my loved ones actions drew my attention away from my own behavior. I have learned to be honest with myself, recognizing when I have been out of control and abusive toward others. The process of writing down whom I have harmed and the effects of my anger have been very humbling. I sat in my room and did a personal inventory. I recognized when I had been out of control. I invited the Lord to heal me and to direct my path. I was instantly humbled as I recognized my own behavior. The Lord showed me the truth of my actions. I confessed to Him how sorry I was. I was broken down with a contrite spirit as I became aware of those I had hurt. My heart was changed and I asked the Lord to show me a better way to handle the situation. He taught me how to have compassion, love and forgiveness. My list included my husband and all of my children. I began to rationalize and said to myself, I am the parent. I dont have to apologize to my children. But the Lord quickly changed my thinking, and I made plans to apologize and ask forgiveness from each and every person who had been affected by my behavior. codependent behaviors had consumed my life. I had often neglected my own needs, my health, and activities that brought happiness into my life. I began to make plans to make amends to myself. I decided that one way to make amends was to change my daily routines to include time to rejuvenate spiritually, emotionally and physically each day. This shall be my gift to myself, and I know I will be a happier person as a result.
Becoming willing is freeing
I was amazed at the feeling I began to experience just by writing the names of those who I needed to apologize to. I began to feel relief and encouragement that I was ready to do the right thing to let go of regret and sorrow over past mistakes. As I daily ponder over Step Eight, more names come to my memory that I need to review with the Lord. I ask for His guidance to help me see the truth of what my part was in the conflict. I also ask for the Spirit to help me release any negative feelings I have toward them so that I will be able to move on to Step Nine. I now trust that with Heavenly Fathers help, I will be guided how and when to approach those on my list. In faith, I know He will help me have the courage and humility to see to this most important endeavor.
I had to release my pride
Placing myself on my amends list
As I read Step Eight and finished the Apply your Heart to Understanding section, I recognized how my
I was afraid to start writing names down on a list. I struggled with my pride and rationalization that what I had done was not that bad. But after reading Step Eight many times, I began to desire to free myself
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and move toward a new way of interacting with others. I recognized that I was only deceiving myself and running away from a sacred duty to reconcile with others. I also realized that I couldnt fully repent and cleanse my life as long as I had relationship areas that were unresolved. I need the grace of God to prepare me to be willing. My stubborn pride needed to be washed away in order to become willing.
I desired to be filled with peace
Each time I discussed Step Eight at a support group meeting, and especially when pondering it on my own, I knew that there were still two individuals with whom I needed to make amends. I had fervently prayed for several years to feel forgiveness in my heart for the pain that their actions and behaviors had brought into our family. The Lord had provided opportunities for me to learn about addiction, which helped to soften my heart and helped me feel compassion and charity toward them. He had also guided me to the spiritual principles of the Twelve Steps, which helped me to understand that some of my reactions to their behavior had caused them pain. It didnt matter that they had not sought forgiveness from me. I only desired to take responsibility for myself and to be filled with peace. Now that I was completely willing to make amends, other questions and concerns came into my mind. How will I approach them? What will I say? How will they respond? I got on my knees and said, Heavenly Father, I do not know how to move forward, but I truly desire to express my forgiveness and love to these two individuals. Please open the way for me. I felt a peaceful assurance that He would bless me with the desire of my heart. I prayerfully and patiently waited for His time and way to make amends. The opportunities came in miraculous ways. scripture references and endnotes Jacob 4:13; John 14:26; D&C 64:10; 1 Chronicles 28:20.
1 2
Gordon B. Hinckley, Forgiveness, Ensign, Nov 2005 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, One Key to a Happy Family, Ensign, Oct 2012 8 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 120 9 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Point of Safe Return, Ensign, May 2007 10 Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 87 11 James E. Faust, The Healing Power of Forgiveness, Ensign, May 2007 12 S-Anon International, S-Anon Twelve Steps, 86-87 13 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 121 14 Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery, 82 15 Jeffrey R. Holland, Lessons from Liberty Jail, Ensign, Sep 2009 16 Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery, 86 17 James E. Faust, The Healing Power of Forgiveness, Ensign, May 2007 18 James E. Faust, The Healing Power of Forgiveness, Ensign, May 2007 19 James E. Faust, The Healing Power of Forgiveness, Ensign, May 2007 20 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 127 21 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 131 22 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, The Merciful Obtain Mercy, Ensign, May 2012 23 Jeffrey R. Holland, Remember Lots Wife, BYU Devotional, January 13, 2009 24 Jeffrey R. Holland, CES Fireside for Young Adults, Lessons from Liberty Jail, Sep 7, 2008 25 Robert D. Hales, Christian Courage: The Price of Discipleship, Ensign, Nov 2008 26 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 120 27 Thomas S. Monson, Hidden Wedges, Ensign, May 2002 28 Jeffrey R. Holland, Lessons from Liberty Jail, Ensign, Sept 2009 29 Roderick J. Linton, The Forgiving Heart, Ensign, Apr 1993 30 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 124 31 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, The Merciful Obtain Mercy, Ensign, May 2012 32 Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Point of Safe Return," Ensign, May 2007 33 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, The Merciful Obtain Mercy, Ensign, May 2012
7
Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 58 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 132 3 Thomas S. Monson, Hidden Wedges, Ensign, May 2002 4 Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 59 5 Neal A. Maxwell, Repentance, Ensign, Nov 1991
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step nine
Wherever possible, make direct amends to all persons we have harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others.

ow that we have completed Step Eight and are willing to make amends, we review our list and move forward with a desire to heal our relationships. We cannot undo what was done in the past, but we can take responsibility for our own actions, express our regrets and decide to do better in the future. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf encouraged: For our own good, we need the moral courage to forgive and to ask for forgivenessThere is a great need for this Christ-like attribute in our families, in our marriages, in our wards and stakes, in our communities, and in our nations. 1
ever is possible to mitigate the consequences of our past errors. 3 This may also include making financial amends or compensation for damages done. When we make amends, we do not disclose details of our actions that would cause additional pain to others. Wisdom and careful consideration are needed in this endeavor. Contacting someone who is unaware of the negative feelings we have harbored could wound them. If we have felt jealous of or resentful toward another, instead of contacting them, we pray for forgiveness and the ability to release any ill feelings we are holding on to. We also do not disclose past discretions that would cause further harm to those we are meeting with or toward anyone they are closely associated with. We want to be careful that we arent trying to achieve our personal serenity at the expense of someone else.we have to consider whether or not our amends will open old wounds. 4 It is important that we receive direction and inspiration from the Spirit before approaching anyone on our list. We need discernment, good timing and courage to take this Step, but with Gods help and guidance we will know whom to go to and when to make such amends. 5 There may be some who simply will be unwilling to meet with us. With these individuals, we release the situation to God and leave our hearts open to allowing a relationship to redevelop, if ever they are willing. Sometimes the other person may need more time. If nothing feels right or appropriate, if it feels like what we are about to do will cause crisisif we feel it is ill timed, 6 we trust our feelings and allow the Spirit to guide us. Many times the best we can do is pray for others, change our attitudes toward them and begin treating them with kindness and consideration. We allow our Heavenly Father to prepare the way, and we trust in His guidance and timing.
What are the qualities of character needed as we make amends? Attitude, honesty, openness, and willingness count here. In peace and harmony, we can strive to clear up our discord in relationships. We can let go of our fears about facing people and taking responsibility for our behaviorsunderstanding that we are not diminishing our self-esteem by making amends but improving it. 2 We will need to rely upon the promptings of the Spirit to know who to go to, when to go and what to say. We continue to rely upon the Spirit throughout the amends process. It will take time to approach everyone on our list. Once we are committed to making amends we can move on to Step Ten even as we continue to work Step Nine.
How do we make amends?
To avoid casting doubt on our sincerity, we do not explain that we are meeting with those we have harmed because of our involvement in a Twelve Step program. When we meet with others, we simply express, This is what I did or said, and I am sorry. We avoid statements such as Im sorry, but... Adding the word but can lead us to blame others or our circumstances and takes the focus away from our part in the conflict. We cannot undo our past and we cannot expect those we approach to respond positively, but we can admit our part and do what-
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Begin a plan for making amends
Our first step in forming our plan involves spiritual preparation through seeking a broken heart and a contrite spirit. (See Psalms 34:18) We ask the Lord to help us overcome our fears and have the courage to approach those on our amends list with honesty and humility. We are learning to break down walls of resentment and do whatever we can to build new, peaceful relationships wherever possible. As we reconcile with others we learn to rely upon our Father in Heaven to have the courage to change the things we can 7 and surrender the rest into the care of God. We remember to prayerfully seek the guidance of the Spirit as we ponder and spiritually prepare what we are going to say. We plan to meet with others in a private and mutually acceptable location. If we are meeting with family members, it may be necessary to choose a location outside of the home where we can have privacy and be free from distractions and interruptions. As we seek the Lords help in this sacred endeavor, we become prepared to embrace opportunities to make amendseven when they come in unexpected ways. and acts as a witness of our sincerity to make amends. We may also read the letter to Heavenly Father and then destroy the letter. Whatever we choose to do, sincerely trying to do our part in completing the amends process allows us to move forward on our own healing path.
Making amends to those who are deceased
How do we make amends to someone who has already passed away? We make what is called a living amends. Through prayer, we express regret and remorse for any harm we have done to them and ask to be forgiven of our offense. We change the behavioral mistakes we made with them in the past and implement those changes in all our future associations. We may also choose to perform charity work or give monetary donations in their memory.
Sweeping our side of the street
Indirect amends
Making direct amends is not always possible or wise. Step Nine is about making amends not making a mess. For example, direct amends should be avoided with those who have clearly stated their desire not to have contact with us or who are legally restricted from further contact with us. We should also avoid making contact with someone where, in order to do so, we are placed in an emotionally abusive or physically dangerous situation. In some situations, where those we want to approach may not be mentally or emotionally stable, making amends may not be possible or wise. In these or other circumstances where we cannot or should not make direct contact, we can make indirect amends. For example, we may write a sincere letter to the person we have wronged and, rather than mailing it, read it to a friend in recovery. The friend takes the place of the person we cannot meet with
As we make amends we strive to be courteous and respectful, admit our wrongs and take responsibility for our own actions. We clearly and sincerely apologize for how we have harmed others and offer to right the wrong if that is possible. Most of us found that brief, to-the-point admissions were better than long detailed explanations.[This] helps us guard against rationalization, justification, defensiveness and blame. We take care not to criticize or argue, even if the other person reacts angrily. Our task is simply to sweep our side of the street and do what we can to set our wrongs right. 8
Remain positive, no matter the outcome
Our expressions of regret may or may not be warmly received. If someone refuses to accept our amends, we do the best we can to remain positive and leave the rest to the Lord. Once we make amends, the other person isnt responsible for clearing away our residue of fear, guilt, or shame. It is our job to let go of the incident, not theirs. On the other hand, we are not responsible for feelings the other person may have about the incident. That isnt our job. 9 We can be comforted in knowing that we made the effort to set things right. Our primary focus is to make peace with others rather than persuade others to make
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step nine
Wherever possible, make direct amends to all persons we have harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others. an inner change of heart, we are missing one of the most important elements of this Step. Saying we are sorry is only the beginning. Our effort to make amends includes seeking the influence of the Spirit to change our attitudes and behaviors and a commitment for better interaction with others in the future. This process of attitude and behavioral change will help us to become kind rather than spiteful; forgiving rather than resentful; encouraging rather than judgmental. We speak favorably of others instead of gossiping and we learn to be patient and loving in all our relationships.
peace with us. When we have concerns about approaching someone, we seek the guidance of the Spirit. If we do not feel the spirits approval, we remember that we can make indirect amends. Through this effort, we are taking a courageous step forward in our emotional and spiritual growth.
Change behaviors to complete Step Nine
In the process of making amends, we are engaged in a sacred and holy endeavor. Feeling sorrow for any pain we may have caused others can be a spiritually and emotionally cleansing experience. If we simply say the words Im sorry to someone without having
the promise of step nine

As we become willing to seek forgiveness from others, we are drawing nearer to our Savior, Jesus Christ. His instruction to all of us is: Therefore, if ye shall come unto meand rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee Go thy way unto thy brother, and first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I will receive you (3 Ne. 12:23-24). Our desire to follow this sacred counsel will involve thoughtful pondering and spiritual guidance. If we are prayerful, the Lord will help us know when the time is right for reconciliation.How sweet that moment of sincere reconciliation can be! Our Savior will help us. He is the great Mediator, and He is able to soften hearts and heal wounds. He knows how to bring people to a unity of heart and mind. His example of marvelous generosity to us through His Atonement can help inspire forgiveness in our souls. 10 As we apply Step Nine and seek to improve our relationships, we will find that our burdens of guilt, shame and regret are lifted and in time we will experience a purifying change deep within our souls. President Henry B. Eyring explained: Many of you, as I have, have felt fear in approaching someone you have offended or who has hurt you. And yet I have seen the Lord melt hearts time after time, including my own. And so I challenge you to go for the Lord to someone, despite any fear you may have, to extend love and forgiveness. I promise you that as you do, you will feel the love of the Savior for that person and His love for you, and it will not seem to come from a great distance. For you, that challenge may be in a family, it may be in a community, or it may be across a nation. But if you go for the Lord to bless others, He will see and reward it. If you do this often enough and long enough, you will feel a change in your very nature through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. 11 Our Savior will be with us throughout this personal healing experience. As we make amends, He will bless us with a spirit of confidence and peace. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf affirmed: The more we are filled with the Spirit of God, the more we extend ourselves to others. We become peacemakers in our homes and families, we help our fellowmen everywhere, and we reach out in merciful acts of kindness, forgiveness, grace, and long-suffering patience.This is the peaceable way of the follower of Jesus Christ 12 (Mosiah 4:13).
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step nine supplement: loving as god loves

Forgiveness is required; trust is earned
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught: Each of us is under a divinely spoken obligation to reach out with pardon and mercy and to forgive one another. 13 We forgive freely, but when trust has been broken it must be earned over time through changed attitudes and behaviors. Re-building trust has many essential elements, some of which are: A willingness to honestly and openly communicate with each other. A sincere desire to change. The addicted loved one is willing to work through repentance and recovery. The family member is willing to heal emotionally and develop healthy behaviors. Each must be willing to work their own recovery. Implementing words and actions that demonstrate a desire to change and then both partners positively and gratefully acknowledge progress in each other. Exercising patience with each other and continuing to make changes that build trust. cause of the hurt others have caused us and freedom to more fully love others and ourselves. Elder David E. Sorensen explains: "Forgiveness means that problems of the past no longer dictate our destinies, and we can focus on the future with God's love in our hearts." 14 When we feel Gods love in our hearts, we will also feel more compassion towards those around us. In the LDS True to the Faith booklet we read: In our relationships with family members and others [we] look to the Savior as [our] example[striving] to love as He loves, with unfailing compassion, patience, and mercy. 15 Elder Marvin J. Ashton further explains this form of love: Charity is, perhaps, in many ways a misunderstood word. We often equate charity with visiting the sick, taking in casseroles to those in need, or sharing our excess with those who are less fortunate. But really, true charity is much, much more. Real charity is not something you give away; it is something that you acquire and make a part of yourself. And when the virtue of charity becomes implanted in your heart, you are never the same again. 16 All of us struggle with weaknesses and recognize that we are far from being perfect. We are learning to seek the grace of God to overcome our human faults and failings. As we remember our own mortal struggles, we choose to avoid condemning others who are also fighting their own earthly battles. This righteous form of compassion is strengthened when we seek the assistance of the spiritual gift of charity, which is the pure love of Christ (Moroni 7:47). Elder Ashton continued in his description of loving as God loves: Charity is accepting someones differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesnt handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of anothers weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt usThe best and most clear indicator that
Through the spiritual gift of discernment, step by step, we will be guided to know when we can trust our loved ones again. If our loved ones do not choose the path of repentance and recovery, trust is not possible. However, we can still trust our Father in Heaven, rely on His guidance and continue on our own healing path.
Forgiveness and charity
Extending forgiveness is a necessary step on our healing path towards receiving forgiveness. Our Savior taught: For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. (Matthew 6:14). Forgiving others and seeking forgiveness leads us to freedomfreedom from the guilt we may feel as we realize the hurt we have caused others; freedom from the pain we may have held onto be-
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step nine
Wherever possible, make direct amends to all persons we have harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others. cide as a way to free themselves and their family from the effects of their addiction. Our compassion for our addicted loved ones can also increase when we recognize that they suffer profoundly from feelings of low self-worth and they hate who they have become. They are convinced that Heavenly Father is deeply disappointed in them and they feel unworthy of Gods love and mercy. They desperately need love and acceptance, though they may not admit it. As we come to understand the true nature of addiction and the challenges that our loved ones are facing, we begin to eliminate our judgmental attitudes and allow the spirit of the Lord to open our eyes so that we can see our loved ones through the eyes of the Savior. President Spencer W. Kimball taught: Jesus saw sin as wrong but also was able to see sin as springing from deep and unmet needs on the part of the sinner. This permitted him to condemn the sin without condemning the individual. 21 The prophet Joseph Smith taught: the nearer we get to our Heavenly Father, the more we are disposed to look with compassion on perishing souls. 22 When we take our frustrations, worries and judgment to our Heavenly Father, He will help us to see our addicted loved ones as He sees them. He will show us the best way to love them, to apply healthy boundaries where needed and to implement tough love when necessary. (See Appendix 3: Tough Love and Facing Abuse) Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin gave the following counsel concerning Christ-like love: But, you ask, what if people are rude? Love them. If they are obnoxious? Love them. But what if they offend? Surely I must do something then? Love them. Wayward? The answer is the same. Be kind. Love them. 23 This kind of love is true charity, or the pure love of Christ. When we pray with all the energy of heart for the gift of charity, His promise is that we will be filled with His love (Moroni 7:47-48). We become more like the Savior. Elder Gene R. Cook testified: As we increasingly think and act like Him, the attributes of the natural man will slip away to be replaced by the heart and the mind of Christ. 24
we are progressing spiritually and coming unto Christ is the way we treat other people. 17
Seeing through the eyes of the Savior
Our frustration over our loved ones addictive behaviors can lead to a harsh judgmental attitude that will impair our ability to be compassionate and understanding. Elder John K. Carmack explained: Because God and Jesus Christ alone can judge fully what is in peoples hearts, they alone can wisely and perfectly temper justice with mercyIt is for this reason we are admonished not to judge others unrighteously. 18 Our attitudes can be tempered as we remember that all of us are in need of the forgiving grace of our Savior and Redeemer. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf offers the following wise counsel: We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters.I willquote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, Dont judge me because I sin differently than you. 19 Our perspective regarding our loved ones disease is improved when we remember the teachings of Elder Boyd K. Packer: There is no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no apostasy, no crime exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness. That is the promise of the atonement of Christ.And so we pray, and we fastWe love those who wander, and we never give up hope. 20 Our appreciation for the plight of our addicted loved ones grows when we remember that their addictive behaviors results from the damage done to their brain by the disease of addiction. They are literal prisoners to their addicted brain which demands that they use their drug of choice. The intensity of their brain cravings can become a life or death compulsion. They may fail over and over again in their efforts to stop their addictive behaviors and they learn that willpower and determination are insufficient when the compulsive power of addiction takes over. Many trapped in addiction have even considered sui-
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step nine
working the step

Before we begin this section in the workbook, we prayerfully re-read the Step and underline the information that pertains specifically to our challenges. As we Work the Step we ponder upon the message of the Step principles while we write our answers to the questions provided. As we take the time to write down our feelings, the Spirit will guide our thoughts and help us better understand ourselves and our loved ones. As we continue to write about our journey through the Twelve Steps, we will be able to look back at the written record of our thoughts, gain greater perspective and recognize the progress we are making. Writing is a gift that will bless our lives now and in the future. begin my plan for making amends
Forgiving myself before I make amends
This Step gives us permission to forgive ourselves and feel good about being who we areregardless of what we have done...a powerful chain of healing is set in motion when we take responsibility for ourselves 25 by seeking forgiveness and making amends. How might my ability to make amends be hampered if I have not forgiven myself of the harm I have caused others? How can making amends with others help me feel better about myself? As I seek to make amends with others, do I forgive myself as well? sweeping my side of the street
Pride interferes with making amends Guidelines for making amends
We can prepare to meet with individuals on our list by considering the following suggestions: 1. We provide a brief description of the incident we want to reconcile so that there is a clear understanding of our purpose. 2. We honestly and compassionately acknowledge any pain we may have caused. 3. We take responsibility for our own part without making excuses or blaming others. 4. We express regret for the harmful things we said or did, whether or not the harm was intentional. This is not about shaming ourselves, but we seek to repair damage with self respect and humility. 5. We say we are sorry and ask for forgiveness. 6. We provide restitution if needed and whenever possible. To whom do I need to make indirect amends? Do I need to make amends to anyone who is deceased?
We know when weve done wrong, but sometimes were afraid to go to those whom weve wronged. We are too proud to admit our failures. But when we have the courage to do it, we find that a great reconciliation takes place. Its the offended persons responsibility to react to our efforts to be reconciled. And when we cant compensate a person for a wrong, when its too late or impossible, then we can bless other people. We all belong together in this world. Were brothers and sisters with the same Eternal Father; we belong to the same human community. There are others we can bless, though we cant repair the damage we may have done to some of his children. 26 When has pride kept me from saying I am sorry to those I have harmed? What am I willing to do to become humble and have the courage to be reconciled with others? remain positive no matter what
Dont react to negativity
After we have made amends, if the other person is unwilling to let the incident go, or if the other person wants us to stew in the problem for a while with them, that is their issue. We dont have to react (and
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Wherever possible, make direct amends to all persons we have harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others. making amends allow my Savior to cleanse my heart and help me to live with others in unity and love? supplement: loving as god loves
do something that might require amends), and we do not have to dwell on the issue. 27 How can I prepare myself to remain focused on my amends plan and avoid being hurt if others react negatively? How can I avoid reacting to their negativity and be prepared to exit gracefully?
Judging others
Avoid taking offense
Elder David A. Bednar taught: When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. 28 What can I do when I feel offended by the way someone responds negatively to my attempts to make amends? How can I learn to not easily take offense with anyone? changing our behaviors
Elder Dallin H. Oaks counseled: While there are many things we must make judgments about, the sins of another or the state of our own souls in comparison to others seems not to be among them.Our own sins, no matter how few or seemingly insignificant, disqualify us as judges of other peoples sins. I love the words in Susan Evans McClouds familiar hymn: Who am I to judge another When I walk imperfectly? In the quiet heart is hidden Sorrow that the eye cant see. Who am I to judge another? Lord, I would follow thee. (Lord, I Would Follow Thee, Hymns, no. 220) So far as possible, we should judge circumstances rather than people. In all our judgments we should apply righteous standards. And, in all of this we must remember the command to forgive.May God bless us that we may have that love and that we may show it in refraining from making final judgments of our fellowman. In those intermediate judgments we are responsible to make, may we judge righteously and with love. 29 What judgments have I made towards my addicted loved one? After reading Elder Oaks talk, what have I learned about judging righteously? How can applying boundaries require righteous judgment?
A conscience void of offense
Just before the prophet Joseph Smith was martyred he declared: I have a conscience void of offense towards God, and towards all men (D&C 135:4). What does it mean to me to have a conscience void of offense towards God and all men? How does making amends affect my conscience? What can I do in the future to avoid making the same mistakes that required me to make amends?
Hearts knit together in unity and love
And he commanded them that there should be no contention one with another, but that they should look forward with one eye, having one faith and one baptism, having their hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another (Mosiah 18:21). How is seeking to make amends part of the baptismal covenant as written in Mosiah chapter 18? How can
The pure love of Christ
President Thomas S. Monson explained: Mother Teresa, a Catholic nun who worked among the poor in India most of her life, spoke this profound truth: If you judge people, you have no time to love them. The Savior has admonished, This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you. I ask: can we love one another, as the Savior has commanded, if we judge each other? And I answerwith Mother Teresa: no, we cannot.I
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Wherever possible, make direct amends to all persons we have harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others. boundaries? How is forgiving different from trusting someone? How can I forgive any others who have harmed me or my loved ones?
consider charityor the pure love of Christto be the opposite of criticism and judging. In speaking of charity, I do not at this moment have in mind the relief of the suffering through the giving of our substance. That, of course, is necessary and proper. Tonight, however, I have in mind the charity that manifests itself when we are tolerant of others and lenient toward their actions, the kind of charity that forgives, the kind of charity that is patient. I have in mind the charity that impels us to be sympathetic, compassionate, and merciful, not only in times of sickness and affliction and distress but also in times of weakness or error on the part of others. Rather than being judgmental and critical of each other, may we have the pure love of Christ for our fellow travelers in this journey through life. 30 How can I apply President Monsons counsel in regards to my addicted loved one and to others? What can I do to apply the kind of charity he was referring to?
Forgive as God forgives
Forgive others
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught: We don't want God to remember our sins, so there is something fundamentally wrong in our relentlessly trying to remember others' sinsin order to find peace, the offended as well as the offender must engage the principle of forgiveness." 31 How is constantly remembering the sins of our addicted loved ones keeping me from fully forgiving them? How can I forgive and still maintain healthy
President Thomas S. Monson explained: There are some who have difficulty forgiving themselves and who dwell on all of their perceived shortcomings. I quite like the account of a religious leader who went to the side of a woman who lay dying, attempting to comfort herbut to no avail. I am lost, she said. Ive ruined my life and every life around me. There is no hope for me. The man noticed a framed picture of a lovely girl on the dresser. Who is this? he asked. The woman brightened. She is my daughter, the one beautiful thing in my life. And would you help her if she were in trouble or had made a mistake? Would you forgive her? Would you still love her? Of course I would! cried the woman. I would do anything for her. Why do you ask such a question? Because I want you to know, said the man, that figuratively speaking, Heavenly Father has a picture of you on His dresser. He loves you and will help you. Call upon Him. 32 How can I forgive myself with the same love that Heavenly Father has for me? How would feeling compassion and forgiveness toward myself help me accept the mercy and forgiveness of my Heavenly Father? How can I show mercy and forgiveness towards my addicted loved one without using rescuing behaviors? (See Appendix 3: Tough Love)

Step Nine is freedom
I refer to the Ninth Step as the freedom step. When bad feeling exist between me and another person, it is as if a tether or rope were binding us together. I think about them too much. I stress and obsess about the negative feelings I have, which only makes the feelings stronger. All I need to do is ask them to forgive me for any bad feelings I have had with them. I don't go into detail or explain my side. I just ask for forgiveness. I can't believe how much freedom I feel. My soul feels lighter when this burden is lifted from me. It is exhilarating. I am so grateful for this healing program.
Seeking forgiveness from my husband
One way I coped with my husbands addiction was to become very protective of my thoughts and feelings. I had previously been very open with him, but discovering his dishonesty made me feel afraid to do so anymore. Even as my husband sincerely worked on his recovery, I held back emotionally, not wanting to be vulnerable. Over time, my husband made won-
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Wherever possible, make direct amends to all persons we have harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others. me if I admitted my mistakes. I prayed for the Lord's help, asking that He would provide me with the opportunity I needed to speak privately with each person. Several times it surprised me when the opportunity came. But I trusted that God would help me, and I was able to overcome my fears and ask for forgiveness. I found that after making my amends, I felt much more comfortable with myself. I felt free and at peace. I also found that the majority of people on my list actually thought more of me, rather than less of me. Now, making amends as quickly as possible helps me maintain my peace and freedom.
derful progress, and I could see a real change of heart. I was very grateful for all his hard work to overcome his addiction, but I never shared that verbally with him. I held on to the fear that if I told him how well I thought he was doing, he would become careless and have a relapse. Working Step Eight helped me realize that I was the one that needed to ask for my husbands forgiveness. Praying for courage, I finally expressed to him my genuine thankfulness for the changes he had made and begged his forgiveness for having withheld my gratitude from him for so long. His reply was not the reaction I feared. He tearfully said, Hearing you say that just makes me want to try even harder.
My children were on my amends list
Step Nine brought healing to me
As I began to do Step Nine, I realized that I had many people I needed to apologize to and try to make amends with. First on my list were my children. I went to each person and shared my regret for my bad behavior and expressed to them my sincere apology. I was surprised that in almost every case, my memory of what I had done haunted me far more than it did them. In most cases, the other person didnt really remember what I was talking about. I realized that I had been harder on myself than anyone else had been on me. I was amazed that doing Step Nine healed me more than anyone else. Seeking forgiveness is a wonderfully freeing gift.
Seeking forgiveness is a gift
Applying this Step is an opportunity to right my wrongs while I am still in mortality. It is a great gift! While it can be overwhelming to see all the pain my choices have created, the Lord is there to sustain me. It is better to free myself now than to not make things right in this life. Seeking forgiveness allows us to love more, to trust more and to heal.
When I prayerfully began to write down names on my Step Eight list, I began to realize how much I had neglected my childrens needs because I had been so focused on my husbands addiction. Feeling only my own pain, I had not taken the time to reassure my children or to have fun with them. As I learned to release my fears and resentments to my Savior, I began to feel peace in my life. Now through Step Nine, I was able to reach out to my children with love. I told them I was sorry for not taking better care of them and for not spending more time together. Now I make sure we have loving moments with each other every day. I am teaching them how to handle their challenges with the help of the Lord, as I have learned to do. Making amends is not just a one-time event; it means changing my priorities and the way I live my life.
Seeking forgiveness from my deceased parents
I was nervous to approach others
Making amends was not something I had done very often in my life. I was nervous to approach the people on my list. I was afraid they would think less of
Doing my Step Four inventories helped me recognize some areas where I needed to seek forgiveness from my parents. Both my mother and father had passed away many years before. I knelt in humble prayer and tearfully asked for their forgiveness. I felt a sweet peace fill my soul. I felt that they were aware of my request and that they understood my sincere desire to receive their forgiveness. I am grateful that Step Nine gave me the opportunity to make amends with my parents.
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family members share about loving as god loves

Allowing God to change my heart
I came to a point in my personal struggle with my husbands addiction when I decided to keep myself distant from him, both physically and emotionally. I was afraid that by allowing myself to be close to him, I would be putting myself at too great a risk for getting hurt again. The result was painful. The chasm between my husband and I grew, even as he sincerely worked on his own recovery. Over time, it became clear that using my fears as a reason to keep a safe distance from my husband was preventing me from experiencing any real happiness in my marriage. Did I want to be safe or happy? I prayed for guidance. After some time I started receiving promptings that I needed to turn my fears over to God and turn my heart back to my husband. I agonized over what to do. I was determined not to be vulnerable again! Even though I had no doubt the Lord wanted me to change my ways, my fears held me captive. I pushed back those promptings for weeks and weeks, but the promptings just grew stronger. Finally, through much soul searching, fasting and prayer, I was ready to give my fears to the Lord and allow my heart to be changed. It was an enormous leap of faith, but once made, I finally felt the peace I had longed for. Allowing the Lord to change my heart freed me from my fears and allowed me to find joy in my marriage once again. him hostage for what he had done. I was mistaken to demand that he suffer. He was receiving forgiveness for his mistakes. I needed to forgive him in order to find healing for my soul and to release my own suffering.
Understanding and compassion from the Lord
Shortly after my husband confessed to me, I found myself asking why can't he just stop? I didn't want to believe we were dealing with an addiction. I was even having a hard time reading literature on the topic because I felt like it didn't apply to our situation. One night my husband and I were discussing this, and I told him I was having a hard time understanding where he was coming from. He looked at me and said, I think if our roles were reversed, you would completely understand. It was as if the fog of disbelief was removed from my eyes, and I could see and hear his deep hurt. We really were dealing with an addiction. Thats why he couldnt just stop. That night and the following day were filled with feelings of sorrow and discouragement as I wondered if he would ever overcome his addiction. While I was pleading with Heavenly Father to help me know what to do, these words came into my mind, If anyone should understand the power the mind has to heal it should be you. Two and a half years ago, I suffered a stroke and had to have brain surgery. As a result, I had to learn how to walk, talk, feed and care for myself and my family all over again. Healing was a long process filled with lots of hard work, tears of joy and sorrow, heartfelt prayers and a return to using gospel basics daily. The miracle of this experience was that I did heal, and my family and I are stronger because of it! I now understand that if the Lord can heal me, then surely he can heal my husband as he continues in recovery. I know my experience with the stroke prepared me for this trial. It helped me develop compassion for my husband and gave me firsthand knowledge of the Lords power to heal the brain. We are His handiwork. Who better to mend us than He who created us?
Someone has to pay
As a result of my husbands sexual addiction I felt intense anger and betrayal. When he started obtaining recovery, he began to feel the peace and comfort of the Lord. However, I still felt deep resentment because of the suffering and pain I was experiencing. I was afraid that if I let go of my suffering, it would minimize the seriousness of what I felt he had done to me. I believed that when a person had done something wrong, someone should pay. One night in prayer I cried out, Heavenly Father, someone needs to pay for my suffering. The Holy Spirit answered quietly, Someone has already paid for your suffering. I realized that my Savior had already paid the price I was demanding. I no longer needed to suffer for my husbands mistakes and hold
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scripture references and endnotes Psalms 34:18; 3 Nephi 12:23-24; Mosiah 4:13; Matthew 6:14; Moroni7:47-48; D&C 135:4; Mosiah 18:21.
Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Point of Safe Return, Ensign, May 2007 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 146 3 Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery,90 4 Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery,91 5 S-Anon International Family Groups, S-Anon 12 Steps, 99 6 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 146 7 Alcoholics Anonymous, Serenity Prayer 8 S-Anon International Family Groups, p. 107- 108 9 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 147 10 David H. Madsen, Jacob and Esau, Ensign, Jan 2002 11 Henry B. Eyring, Where Is the Pavilion?, Ensign, Nov 2012 12 Dieter F. Uchtdorf The Way of the Disciple, Ensign, May 2009 13 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Point of Safe Return, Ensign, May 2007 14 David E Sorensen, "Forgiveness Will Change Bitterness to Love," Ensign, May 2003 15 The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints publication, True to the Faith: A Gospel Reference, 28 16 Marvin J. Ashton, The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword, Ensign, May 1992 17 Marvin J. Ashton, The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword, Ensign, May 1992 18 John K. Carmack, When Our Children Go Astray, Ensign, Feb 1997 19 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, The Merciful Obtain Mercy, Ensign, May 2012 20 Boyd K. Packer, The Brilliant Morning of Forgiveness, Ensign, Nov 1995 21 Spencer W. Kimball, Jesus: The Perfect Leader, Ensign, Aug 1979 22 Joseph Fielding Smith, Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 24041 23 Joseph B. Wirthlin, The Virtue of Kindness, Ensign, May 2005, 24 Gene R. Cook, Charity: Perfect and Everlasting Love, Ensign, May 2002 25 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 152 26 Lowell L. Bennion, Overcoming Our Mistakes, Liahona, Jul 1981 27 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 147 28 David A. Bednar, And Nothing Shall Offend Them, Ensign, Nov 2006 29 Dallin H. Oaks, Judge Not and Judging, Ensign, Aug 1999 30 Thomas S. Monson, Charity Never Faileth, Ensign, Nov 2010 31 Jeffrey R. Holland, "The Peaceable Things of the Kingdom," Ensign, Nov 1996 32 Thomas S. Monson, Hidden Wedges, Ensign, May 2002
2 1
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Continue to take personal inventory, and when we are wrong promptly admit it.

teps Ten, Eleven and Twelve are often referred to as the maintenance and continuous growth Steps. In Step Ten, we maintain our progress through a daily inventory. We examine our lives and evaluate if we are continuing to apply the spiritual principles of all the previous Steps. We look for areas where we are succeeding as well as areas where we might be slipping. Elder F. Enzio Busche explained: A disciple of Christ is.constantly, even in the midst of all regular activities, striving all day long through silent prayer and contemplation to be in the depth of selfawareness. 1 We seek the influence of the spirit of the Lord to alert us to areas that may need attention and correction. Elder Marvin J. Ashton taught this important concept when he stated: A truly wise person will constantly move forward, striving for selfimprovement, knowing that daily repentance is
needed for progress. 2 We live each day in gentle self awareness rather than negatively obsessing over our imperfections. We pray for the Lord to guide our growth and to help us see areas that need improvement. Step Ten is an exercise in continual self-improvement and positive validation that will help us maintain and increase our spiritual and emotional health. This Step gives me permission to be me.[I] dont have to be perfect and right.It allows me to be a vulnerable human being in relationships with other vulnerable human beings. It allows me to forgive myself. And it has taught me much about forgiving others, too. 3 Our daily self awareness will consistently improve and in time we will begin to see the person our Savior knows we are capable of becoming.

Reviewing our day
President Howard W. Hunter suggested reviewing our day through personal prayer: While communicating with our Father in Heaven, we ponder our thoughts, words, and deeds of the day and seek help in our personal progress for the morrow. The practice of reviewing the past and setting new directions for the future is a very healthy one, a scripturally encouraging one, in which we can beneficially alter our lives. 4 Some possible questions we may ponder each day are: Did I pray for help to know and follow Gods will today? What progress did I make? What weaknesses do I need to surrender to God? In what ways was I kind and loving? Was I able to let go and let God? Do I need to make amends to anyone? Did faith or fear control my thoughts? Am I taking care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually? What am I grateful for today? We may make mental notes or briefly journal our daily inventory. When we involve Heavenly Father in the process of reviewing our day, He affirms our personal worth and potential as He encourages us to continue to grow and improve. As we seek to develop a more Christ-like character, we wisely remember to focus on progression rather than perfection.
The blessings of a daily inventory
There are numerous ways to continue to take personal inventory.a spot check, a daily check-in and a periodic long-term check. A spot check can be used anytime throughout the day when we feel that something is not right. We can then take responsibility immediately for our part, if only by stopping in the moment to acknowledge the problem and ask ourselves what we can do differently. 5 Self-awareness, change and growth create harmony in our lives. We feel grateful each day for the things we have done well. We ask for guidance and strength to continue developing greater love and patience for ourselves and others. We no longer choose to blame others or use excuses to justify our behavior because we have learned to look at ourselves with honesty and love. Be patient with yourself and others as you struggle
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Continue to take personal inventory, and when we are wrong promptly admit it. we choose to avoid constant self-criticism. Sometimes the healthiest thing I can do for myself is to admit that I am not perfect. I am human. I make mistakes. 10 We quickly resolve conflict with gentleness and sincerity rather than holding on to resentments. Continuing the process of admitting our mistakes and making amends to ourselves and others when called for, keeps us humble and helps us to accept others as they are. Both our humanness and our spirituality expand when we accept and forgive the mistakes of ourselves and others. We discover that it is a relief not to feel we always have to be right. 11 Learning to recognize our daily mistakes and to promptly resolve them in a healthy, responsible manner will bring happiness and stability into our lives. We continue the lessons we learned in Step Nine by making amends and letting go of offense. I am sorry, I was wrong, please forgive me are emotionally healing words. One family member shared her understanding of a daily personal inventory: I try to think of it as a gentle, warm, and loving way to take care of myself. By continuing to take my own inventory and promptly admitting when I am wrong, I clear out many unwanted attitudes that might otherwise clutter my day. 12
forward in this process of growth, change, life, and recovery. Be patient as you struggle to identify issues and what your part is or was in those issues. Be open to the answers because they [will] come. 6
Make daily course corrections
Elder David A. Bednar helped us understand the importance of seeking the Lords assistance with this daily process: There may be things in our character, in our behavior, or concerning our spiritual growth about which we need to counsel with Heavenly Father in morning prayer. After expressing appropriate thanks for blessings received, we plead for understanding, direction, and help to do the things we cannot do in our own strength alone. 7 Sister Anne C. Pingree explained that the will to go forward toward our Savior sometimes requires onthe-spot repentance. Its recognizing weve made mistakes or havent done what we could to encourage or help someone. These personal course corrections in thought, action, or word are essential for all who desire to come unto Christ. 8 Recognizing our mistakes will allow us to learn and progress. Melody Beattie explained: This Step tells us that making mistakes is expected and anticipated. My finest and most important lessons have all come from my lessthan-perfect behaviors. I am slowly learning that perfection is allowing myself, without judgment, to be who and where I am today, and then responding to myself in a responsible, but nurturing and nonshaming way: self-acceptance rendered with a huge dose of self-love. 9
Learn from slips and relapses
Resolve mistakes each day
Honestly doing a daily inventory will help us recognize and resolve negative thoughts and behaviors before they take over and consume us. We identify patterns of fear, anger and impatience which may have led to hurtful behaviors. We may discover controlling and manipulative behaviors that we hadnt noticed before. Perhaps we have depended upon others to supply our emotional happiness. Any selfdefeating behaviors that we need to recognize in ourselves will suddenly begin to get our attention. Throughout our day we strive to be aware of our less-than-perfect thoughts and behaviors, however,
The words slip and relapse are often associated with those suffering from addiction. However, we as family members can also slip back into our own destructive thought and behavior patterns. Slips are especially likely to occur in times of stress, when it is natural to retreat into old defensive behaviors. Recovery does not cure us of every human imperfection or eliminate all pain in our lives. But it gives us the tools to deal with our problems and to continually work to improve ourselves. 13 Slips can be opportunities to progress, if we are willing to recognize and learn from them. As we choose to reflect on our behaviors and understand the thoughts or emotions that prompted our mistakes, we become empowered to improve our behavior in the future.
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the promise of step ten

In Step Ten we learn to see ourselves with honesty and compassion. This Step tells us that making mistakes is expected and anticipated. My finest and most important lessons have all come from my lessthan-perfect behaviors. I am slowly learning that perfection is allowing myself, without judgment, to be who and where I am today, and then responding to myself in a responsible, but nurturing and nonshaming way. 14 Applying this healthy attitude increases our motivation to move forward, to do better and be better. Being gentle and hopeful with ourselves allows us to have the same attitude with others. Doing a daily inventory will help us experience the miracle and power of the Atonement of our Savior every day. The process of change is the same whether we are seeking to overcome sins or weaknesses. Elder Neil L. Andersen explained: Daily, as we are humble, the Lord will reveal our weaknesses to usAs we seek earnestly to know ourselves, to make honest assessments of what we are and of where we are, the Lord will reveal, in answer to our prayers, where our repentance should be focused. 15 Every week we can also apply the principles of Step Ten as we take time to ponder the events of the previous week during the sacrament. Sister Julie B. Beck taught: We partake of the sacrament week after week to show our faith in His power to change us. We confess our sins and promise to forsake them (see D&C 58:43). 16 Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught: Since we have been told clearly by Jesus what manner of men and women we ought to becomeeven as He is (see 3 Nephi 27:27)how can we do so, except each of us employs repentance as the regular means of personal progression? Personal repentance is part of taking up the cross daily. (See Luke 9:23) Without it, clearly there could be no perfecting of the Saints (Ephesians 4:12). 17 Living Step Ten allows us to receive a priceless gift each day, as is lovingly described by President Spencer W. Kimball: How grateful we are that our Heavenly Father has given us the gift of repentance. And how sad it is if we do not recognize that each day is the time for us to make needed improvements.Repentance is a glorious and merciful law. 18
working the step

Before we begin this section in the workbook, we prayerfully re-read the Step and underline the information that pertains specifically to our challenges. As we Work the Step we ponder upon the message of the Step principles while we write our answers to the questions provided. As we take the time to write down our feelings, the Spirit will guide our thoughts and help us better understand ourselves and our loved ones. As we continue to write about our journey through the Twelve Steps, we will be able to look back at the written record of our thoughts, gain greater perspective and recognize the progress we are making. Writing is a gift that will bless our lives now and in the future. reviewing my day
When to take my daily inventory
Some people in recovery prefer to take this Step nightly. When they retire for the evening, they review their day and their conduct. If something arises during that review, they make a mental note to deal with it. That may mean dealing with feelings, being honest with someone, telling someone theyre sorry, or making amends to themselves.Some of us like to take this Step in the morning, during those quiet moments before the busyness of the day sets in. During that time, we are open and receptive to our feelings. We may want to ask, Whats going on with me? Others work this Step in a more relaxed fashion, trusting that if they are working their program, staying connected to recovering people, and trying to
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Continue to take personal inventory, and when we are wrong promptly admit it. saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father (Mosiah 3:19). How can yielding to the enticing of the Holy Spirit help me recognize areas where I need to improve? How can the Spirit provide new insight, perspective and guidance as I review my day? How will becoming submissive, meek, humble, patient, and full of love assist me in the process of overcoming my daily struggles and bring blessings into my life? What can I do to invite the Savior to help me obtain these qualities?
stay on track, this Step will find them when it needs to. 19 What is the best time and method for me to do a daily review?
Evaluating my Behaviors
Elder David A. Bednar shared a list of suggestions that we can include in our daily inventory: 1. Reflect on those occasions when we have spoken harshly or inappropriately to those we love the most. 2. Recognize that we know better than this, but we do not always act in accordance with what we know. 3. Express remorse for our weaknesses and for not putting off the natural man more earnestly. 4. Determine to pattern our life after the Savior more completely. 5. Plead for greater strength to do and to become better. 20 What can I learn from Elder Bednars suggestions? the blessings of a daily inventory
Love repairs personal relationships
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf explained: Love is the healing balm that repairs rifts in personal and family relationships. It is the bond that unites families, communities, and nations. Love is the power that initiates friendship, tolerance, civility, and respect. It is the source that overcomes divisiveness and hate. Love is the fire that warms our lives with unparalleled joy and divine hope. Love should be our walk and our talk. 22 How can my daily review bless my relationships as I learn to show a deeper love? How can doing a daily inventory not only help me stop doing things that are damaging my relationships but also prompt me to show the love in ways that will strengthen my relationships? How can I show love to myself? making daily course corrections
Recognizing my progress
We may have to work as hard, or harder, at focusing on whats right as at uncovering what were doing wrong. Look fearlessly, with a loving, positive eye. What did we do right today? Did we stand still and deal with a feeling? We may have done it awkwardly, but did we do it? Did we think about a Step once, during a crisis? Did we do something differently today than we would done have a year or two ago? Even a little differently? 21 How will recognizing my progress and my positive qualities increase my confidence and provide encouragement to move forward?
Daily Repentance
Yielding to the enticing of the Holy Spirit
For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticing of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a
President Henry B. Eyring lovingly spoke of visiting with his dying father who understood the importance of daily repentance: [My father] spoke of joyous reunions that were coming soon in the spirit world. At one point I asked him if he had some repenting to do. He smiled. He chuckled softly as he said, No, Hal, Ive been repenting as I went along. 23 When will I make time to review my day and develop a pattern of daily repentance? How will daily repent-
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Continue to take personal inventory, and when we are wrong promptly admit it. humility, mistakes were freely admitted and forgiven. 26 How can I prepare myself to freely admit mistakes and ask for forgiveness? How can I respond when others seek my forgiveness? How will these actions impact my relationships?
ance bless my life? Do I ask for the Lord to show me my weaknesses? In which areas of my life do I need to counsel with the Lord each morning in personal prayer?
The great gift of repentance
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught: We must change anything we can change.In short we must repent, perhaps the most hopeful and encouraging word in the Christian vocabulary. We thank our Father in Heaven we are allowed to change, we thank Jesus we can change, and ultimately we do so only with Their divine assistance. Certainly not everything we struggle with is the result of our actions. Often it is the result of the actions of others or just the mortal events of life. But anything we can change we should change, and we must forgive the rest. In this way our access to the Atonement becomes as unimpeded as we, with our imperfections, can make it. He will take it from there. 24 How can I allow repentance to become a joyful experience? How does a daily review allow me to repent? resolve my mistakes each day
Daily Awareness
This Step doesnt ask us to go after ourselves continually with a hammer and chisel. It doesnt tell us we have to walk through life holding ourselves under a microscope, hypervigilantly watching all that we say and do, waiting with bated breath to criticize and punish ourselves. It does give us permission to continue to be aware of ourselvesand, when we are wrong, to admit and deal with that promptly. 27 How can I avoid becoming obsessively critical in my daily review?
The impact of a sincere apology
Accepting and correcting mistakes
The next time we do something that bothers us, we dont have to waste our energy diving into shame. The next time we get caught up in an old behavior, even when we know better, we dont have to punish ourselves. We canidentify it, talk about it, then promptly make amends, whether that means correcting our course with ourselves or others. Let the process happen. And move on with our lives, in love for self and others. 25 How can I recognize my mistakes without shaming or punishing myself? What can I do to promptly correct them and move on?
Elder Marvin J. Ashton taught: It is easy to point out mistakes and pass judgment. Sincere compliments and praise come much harder from most of us. It takes real maturity for a parent to apologize to a child for an error. An honest apology often makes the son or daughter feel surprisingly warm toward the mother or father or brother or sister. 28 How can I be more sincere when complimenting others and myself? How can I become willing to offer an honest and sincere apology?
Learning from Slips and Relapses
Freely admit mistakes
Anytime in our recoveries [that] the old, helpless, victim feelings return, we are doing ourselves wrong. We need to admit it promptly, take responsibility for ourselves, and own our power with people. We are not victims, not anymore, and this Step guarantees that we do not ever have to be again. 29 (See Appendix 1: Slips and Relapses) How can I recognize when I may be slipping back into codependent thoughts, emotions and behaviors?
Elder Marlin K. Jensen stated: Consider the climate that would exist within a marriage or familyor any organization, for that matterif through genuine
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Hidden twinges of regret
Step Ten helps me remember that I am human and continue to make mistakes. I have found that when I quickly resolve my mistakes by saying I am sorry, I seem to gain the strength to do better each day. When I used to ignore my mistakes, or rationalize them away, my life did not improve. Instead, I would hide twinges of regret deep inside. I hoped that in time they would somehow go away, but they never did. I allowed my regrets about my mistakes to grow and to influence my negative feelings about myself. When I first started to apply Step Ten, I found it difficult to say I was sorry to others. But the more I did it, the easier it became. I feel so much better now about myself and about my relationships. Step Ten is about living in honesty with myself, with God and with others.
Daily Accountability keeps my fears in check
I began to sink and lose focus
I recently experienced a slip in my recovery. I began by feeling annoyed with, and critical of, my husband. I took offense at his comments and actions, felt angry, and behaved badly toward him. I felt frustrated with myself, feeling unable to change. Finally I fell to my knees and pled to be shown the cause of my struggles. As I prayed I understood that fear had crept into my heart, fear that my husband wasn't recovering fast enough, and that our marriage wasn't strong enough. I asked the Lord to take my fears from me and teach me how to move forward again. Later that day the story of Peter came powerfully to my mind. I thought of Peter stepping out of the boat onto the stormy sea. Step by impossible step he safely walked on the water, with his focus riveted on the Savior. As the crashing waves caught his attention, his focus shifted to the raging storm around him, and he began to sink, crying out for help. I saw myself in Peter's shoes. Like Peter, my focus had shifted, and I lost faith in my Savior's power to carry me safely through the storm of addiction. I began to sink. As I understood the lesson of Peter's experience, my faith returned and I felt at peace. I was able to ask forgiveness of my husband and step forward once more.
After discovering my husbands addiction, I often cried myself to sleep or stayed awake worrying over his past actions, our future and hundreds of what ifs.Going to bed each night with this burden was emotionally and physically exhausting. Eventually I found help and support, and I started the healing process. Now that I have completed the Twelve Steps, I use Step Ten, Daily Accountability, to keep my fears in check so I can go to sleep in peace. Taking a daily accounting makes me conscientiously think about the good things that happen during the day the blessings I have and the progress Ive made. More importantly, it gives me an opportunity to check my fearful thoughts: are they real or imagined? Have I fed my fears today or done something to increase my faith? Have I let my negative thoughts and emotions run wild or remembered to pray for help when those feelings came? Reviewing my day from this perspective has been a blessing and motivation for me to move forward and get a good nights rest!
Take care of one day at a time
Admitting that I was wrong was not something I did very often before I worked the Twelve Steps. Now I find it to be such a relief that I want to admit my mistakes and ask forgiveness as soon as I can. I try to watch for uneasy feelings, tension or negative thoughts that occur during my day. Instead of blaming others, I ask my Heavenly Father to help me see if I have done something wrong so that I can set it right and learn to do better. The knot in the pit of my stomach, which had become part of my everyday life, continues to disappear. I am able to forgive myself and move forward. It is liberating to be accountable for myself and to take care of one day at a time.
I dont carry todays mistakes into tomorrow
Step Ten is how I lovingly take care of myself every day. If I face my mistakes each day and admit to myself and others when I am wrong, it frees up my conscience, allowing me to learn from my mistakes. I am emotionally uplifted. I have learned not to carry todays mistakes into all of my tomorrows. My source of strength and help in this daily progress is the guid-
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ance of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes it is as if I feel the Spirit gently tapping me on the shoulder, pointing out something I did or said that needs to be changed or reconciled. When I am willing to acknowledge the subtle promptings of the Spirit and do something about it, I grow emotionally and spiritually and become a happier person.
Increased self confidence
Staying connected to the Lord
I begin my day with prayer. I surrender to God. I ask Him to show me my shortcomings, and He always does. I invite the Lord to direct my day with peace and love. I am accountable daily for my own actions. As I continue to take a personal inventory, it reminds me to stay connected to the Lord, to watch my thoughts and to be responsible for my actions. I continue to say I am sorry when I hurt someone or when I am acting in any way that is not in harmony with the Lord Jesus Christ.
When I started doing a Step Ten daily inventory, I always listed the good things I did each day as well as the areas I needed to change. After a few months, I realized that recognizing the good I did each day lifted my spirits, increased my self-confidence and inspired me to do even better. This improved my attitude toward myself and made it easier for me to admit when I was wrong. scripture references and endnotes D&C 58:43; 3 Nephi 27:27; Luke 9:23; Ephesians 4:12; Mosiah 3:19
F. Enzio Busche, Truth Is the Issue, Ensign, Nov 1993 Marvin J. Ashton, Shake Off the Chains with Which Ye Are Bound, Ensign, Nov 1986 3 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 170 4 Howard W. Hunter, The Dauntless Spirit of Resolution, BYU Devotional, Jan 1992 5 Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery, 102 6 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 169 7 David A. Bednar, Pray Always, Ensign, Nov 2008 8 Anne C. Pingree "To Look, Reach, and Come unto Christ," Ensign, Nov 2006 9 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 164 10 Al-anon Family Groups, Courage to Change, 144 11 Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery, 103-104 12 Al-anon Family Groups, Courage to Change, 164 13 Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery, 102 14 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 164 15 Neil L. Andersen, The Joy of Becoming Clean, Ensign, Apr 1995 16 Julie B. Beck, Remembering, Repenting and Changing, Ensign, May 2007 17 Neal A. Maxwell, Repentance, Ensign, Nov 1991 18 Spencer W. Kimball, The Gospel of Repentance, Ensign, Oct 1982 19 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 165 20 David A. Bednar, Pray Always, Ensign, Nov 2008 21 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 167 22 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, The Love of God, Ensign, Nov 2009 23 Henry B. Eyring, Teaching True Doctrine, Ensign, Apr 2009 24 Jeffrey R. Holland, Broken Things to Mend, Ensign, May 2006 25 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 170 26 Marlin K. Jensen, To Walk Humbly with Thy God, Ensign, May 2001 27 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 160 28 Marvin J. Ashton, Family Communications, New Era, Oct 1978 29 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 164
2 1
Using a list
This Step helps to keep me focused and on track. I printed out cards with the twelve questions to ponder. I put one beside my bed, in the shower, by my computer, and in the car. Before I go to bed, or whenever I have a spare moment during the day, I glance over the questions and usually find myself focusing on one or two of them. I feel comfortable now with honestly assessing myself and my progress on a daily basis. I am able to refocus my efforts and get back on track if Ive strayed a bit. The nice thing about doing this every day is that I never seem to get too far off, and I dont have quite the painful process of playing catch up. Instead, I feel like Im moving forward more often.
Recognize when I am not in harmony with God
Attending Twelve Step meetings and writing daily in my journal are part of my regular inventory. These two activities give me constant opportunities to see my actions and my motivations more clearly. They allow me to recognize when I am not in harmony with the will of God. When I promptly admit this, I do not experience a backlog of nagging regrets and mistakes that eat away at my spirituality and put me at odds with God and my fellowman.
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Seek through prayer, scripture study and meditation to know the Lords will and to have the power to carry it out.

n Step Eleven, we seek to know our Heavenly Fathers will through daily prayer, scripture study and meditation. This daily commitment will provide us with the opportunity to nourish and strengthen our spiritual souls. We willingly follow the counsel in the scriptures to pray both morning, mid-day, and evening.[we let our] hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for [our] welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around [us].(Alma 34:21, 27) Deciding to make this spiritual commitment will increase the Spirit of the Lord into our daily lives. Our faith becomes strong in the assurance that Heavenly Father will always guide and direct our lives, according to His will and His plan for us. We gratefully rely upon Him and know that He will help us to bear up [our] burdens with ease.(See Mosiah 24:15)
Lord. (See Isaiah 55:3, 8) His ways will bring to pass the greatest opportunities for growth and happiness in our lives. As we have continued to apply Steps One through Ten, we have learned to let go of our own plans, trust God, release our weaknesses and heal our relationships. This sanctifying process instills peace in our souls and opens our hearts so that we will have greater capacity to hear the guidance of the Spirit of the Lord, no matter what trials we are facing. The process of communicating with God through prayer renews and sustains our lives each day. Our Father in Heaven has promised to give power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint (Isaiah 40:29, 31). We know we are safe and protected in His loving hands when we choose to trust Him. He is our Father, and if we let Him, He will always give us the strength we need to follow His will. Our commitment to pray, study the scriptures and meditate every day are often referred to as doing our dailies. Following this pattern will bring great blessings into our lives. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf counseled: If you have doubts or fears, invest the time and energy to find the answers in the scriptures and in the written words of our prophets. Contemplate, meditate, ponder, and pray. 2
Throughout our day we seek personal revelation and learn to set aside worries or concerns that could interfere with the peaceful voice of the Spirit. We recognize that an inner stillness is very important because the Lord speaks in a still, small voice (1 Kings 19:12). Elder Boyd K. Packer explained: The Spirit does not get our attention by shouting or shaking us with a heavy hand. Rather it whispers. It caresses so gently that if we are preoccupied we may not feel it at all. 1 Each day, we remember the Lords invitation: Incline your ear, and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live.For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the

Pray Daily
Arising early in our day provides quiet time away from the demands of our schedule, the phone, and the needs of our family members. We seek holy refuge from any burdens or challenges and pray, Father, what is thy will for me right now, this very day? Elder David A. Bednar taught: Meaningful morning prayer is an important element in the spiritual creation of each dayand precedes the temporal creation or the actual execution of the day. 3 Our commitment to spiritually prepare for our day is essential as President Thomas S. Monson testified: To those within the sound of my voice who are struggling with challenges and difficulties large and small, prayer is the provider of spiritual strength; it is the passport to peace. Prayer is the means by which we approach our Father in Heaven, who loves us. Speak to Him in prayer and then listen for the answer. 4
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Seek through prayer, scripture study and meditation to know the Lords will and to have the power to carry it out. understanding...the Spirit of the Lord may rest upon the ponderer. 10 As we meditate, our hearts and minds become more accustomed to recognizing the thoughts and impressions we receive from the Spirit. When we pray, we talk to God. When we meditate and ponder, we become quiet enough to hear His response and direction. We may choose a quiet place where we can sit or lay down, relax and let our minds become stillfree from concerns, stressful thoughts and distractions. For a brief period of time, we choose not to worry about the past or the future. We simply allow ourselves to gratefully appreciate this opportunity to pray, ponder and listen. We may begin our meditation by pondering a line from a specific scripture, the words of a hymn or contemplating our feelings of love toward Heavenly Father and our Savior. We may humbly pray, Father guide my thoughts, my desires and my priorities today. Meditation prepares us to receive a direct and personal spiritual connection. Elder Marvin J. Ashton has invited us to give the Spirit an opportunity to impress and direct. Pondering is a powerful link between the heart and the mind. 11 We desire to more fully connect with God. We are developing a deeper personal relationship with our Father in Heaven where we can be completely who we are without pretense. President James E. Faust spoke of this sacred experience when he said: We open the portals thereof when we pray. It is here where we may retreat and meditate. It is possible for the Holy Ghost to abide in this special part of us. It is a place of special communion. 12 We also recognize our opportunity to ponder and pray during the sacrament and when we go to the House of the Lord.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf encouraged us to allow our prayers to become an intimate and personal discussion with God: Go to our Heavenly Father in prayer; communicate with Him daily. Draw close to Him, and He will draw close to you. Ask about your studies of the scriptures, about your feelings and your questions, and He will answer. He is waiting, He is real, and He is there. Use the gift of the Holy Ghost. Believe in the power of prayer. 5 We gratefully acknowledge His tender mercies each day because our prayer of gratitude will transform our lives and our circumstances. Gratitude turns negative energy into positive. It breeds acceptance and brings out the best in any circumstance. 6
Study scriptures daily
As we study the scriptures, we learn to feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell [us] all things what [we] should do (2 Nephi 32:3). To feast upon the scriptures implies that we take time to digest and absorb the word of God and receive the spiritual nourishment, strength and understanding that we need. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland explained: there is no way to read the scriptures whimsically or superficially or quickly. They demand time, prayer, and honest meditation. 7 When we study the scriptures in this manner, we receive inspiration, comfort and spiritual strength to face our trials. Elder Quentin L. Cook taught: Immersion in the scriptures is essential for spiritual nourishment. The word of Godacts as a healing balm for hurt feelings, anger, or disillusionment. 8 The scriptures will provide powerful assurances directly from our Heavenly Father and they will help us find answers to our prayers. Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path (Psalms 119:105).
Meditate and ponder daily
Connect with God throughout the day
President Thomas S. Monson stated: Everybody is in a hurry these days! ...In this fast-paced life, do we ever pause for meditation? 9 We become motivated to take time to meditate when we understand the spiritual strength and guidance it will provide. Elder Joseph B Wirthlin explained: Pondering, which means to weigh mentally, to deliberate, to meditate, can achieve the opening of the spiritual eyes of ones
As we cultivate a desire to receive spiritual direction, we become more open to feel the Spirits subtle impressions and thoughts. If we face any difficulty throughout our day, we pause and pray for the direction, comfort and strength we need in order to face the challenges before us. President Faust further explained that as we remain in conscious contact with our loving Father in Heaven, the oppressive fog that beclouds the tortuous lanes and passages of your lives will disappear in the spiritual sunlight that
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comes only from God. This spiritual sunlight will not shine unless we diligently and humbly seek to enjoy His Spirit, for the Lord requireth the heart and a willing mind (D&C 64:34). 13 As we remember to do our Heavenly Fathers will in all things our days will be filled with serenity, we will accomplish more and suffer less. We do not fear the future or what it might bring. We only seek to know Gods will for us today. We gratefully live in the present and trust our unknown future to our Father in Heaven. By following Gods will each day we are preparing for a better future.
Patiently wait upon the Lord
Patience and trust in Gods plan prepare the way for blessings to arrive. We may not receive answers right away, but if we continue to reach out through prayer, scripture study and meditation, they will come. Elder Neal A. Maxwell counseled: Since faith in the timing of the Lord may be tried, let us learn to say not only, Thy will be done, but patiently also, Thy timing be done. 14 We trust that He has a plan and that His guidance will come to us according to His perfect timetable, when we are ready to receive it. Through the comforting guidance of the Holy Spirit, our understanding and acceptance of our challenges will increase, and we learn to let faith and hope guide our earthly expectations.
the promise of step eleven

Concerning the spiritual principles of Step Eleven, President Harold B. Lee taught: We develop our spiritual selves by practiceWe must train our spiritual selves with the same careas we train our physical bodies. We must have daily exercise for our spirits by prayer.We must feed our spirits daily by studying the scripturesAnd so I beg of youto live each day so that you might receive from the fountain of light nourishment and strength sufficient to every days need. Take time to be holy each day of your lives. 15 Daily we spiritually train ourselves when we prayerfully counsel with the Lord in all we do, with the sure knowledge that He will direct us for good. (See Alma 37:3637) Elder D. Todd Christofferson reminded us to prayerfully ask in faith, nothing wavering, according to your need, and God will answer. He will sustain you as you work and watch. In His own time and way He will stretch forth his hand to you, saying, Here am IHe will strengthen and finish your faith. He will, by His Holy Spirit, fill you with godly power. 16 Daily we spiritually train ourselves as we study the scriptures. President Henry B. Eyring explained: The scriptures are called the words of life (see D&C 84:85) and nowhere is that more true than it is of the Book of Mormon. When you begin to hunger and thirst after those words, you will find life in greater and greater abundance. 17 Our Savior gave us a powerful promise: blessed are all they who do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled with the Holy Ghost. (3 Nephi 12:6 & Matt. 5:6) Immersing ourselves in the word of God feeds our souls and fills us with the power of the Holy Spirit. Daily we spiritually train ourselves through meditation. President David O. McKay taught of the importance of this principle: We pay too little attention to the value of meditation, a principle of devotion.Meditation is one of the most secret, most sacred doors through which we pass into the presence of the Lord. 18 Elder James E. Faust explained how to hear spiritual guidance: We need to learn how to ponder the things of the Spirit and to respond to its promptingsto filter out the static generated by Satan. As we become attuned to the Spirit, we shall hear a word behind [us], saying, this is the way, walk ye in it (Isaiah 30:21). 19 Daily we spiritually train ourselves to follow Gods will. Through our faith centered prayers we choose to have an unwavering trust in Gods plan for us. As we listen to and follow the promptings of the Spirit, we witness Gods power and miracles in all aspects of our lives. Elder Bruce D. Porter taught: Those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit are willing to do anything and everything that God asks of them,
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without resistance or resentment. We cease doing things our way and learn to do them Gods way
working the step

Before we begin this section in the workbook, we prayerfully re-read the Step and underline the information that pertains specifically to our challenges. As we Work the Step we ponder upon the message of the Step principles while we write our answers to the questions provided. As we take the time to write down our feelings, the Spirit will guide our thoughts and help us better understand ourselves and our loved ones. As we continue to write about our journey through the Twelve Steps, we will be able to look back at the written record of our thoughts, gain greater perspective and recognize the progress we are making. Writing is a gift that will bless our lives now and in the future. pray daily study scriptures daily
Scriptural Nourishment
Henry B. Eyring explained the power of the scriptures in our lives when he stated: We treasure the word of God not only by reading the words of the scriptures but by studying them. We may be nourished more by pondering a few words, allowing the Holy Ghost to make them treasures to us, than to pass quickly and superficially over whole chapters of scripture. 22 How can I allow myself to be nourished by the scriptures? meditate and ponder daily
God will answer my prayers
The process of pondering
President Thomas S. Monson gave the following counsel on the importance of prayer: Our Heavenly Father is aware of our needs and will help us as we call upon Him for assistance. I believe that no concern of ours is too small or insignificant. The Lord is in the details of our lives. 21 What details of my life do I need the guidance of the Lord? The scriptures teach: Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers (D&C 112:10). If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God (James 1:5). What wisdom do I desire to receive from my Father in Heaven? How can I show through my thoughts and actions that I trust God to guide me to what is best for my situation?
We realize of course that meditation is not something new to us. We are always meditating on something. But if we are not choosing our meditations deliberately, our thoughts will run in their ordinary channels, and we will experience more of what we dont want in our lives. 23 We choose to positively direct our thoughts and seek for light and truth as we ponder and meditate. How can I recognize when I allow my mind to wander into areas of negativity? How can meditating help me to ponder hopeful thoughts? Elder David A. Bednar explained: The word ponder means to consider, contemplate, reflect upon, or think aboutThe process of pondering cannot be forced, hurried, or rushed. 24 Why is pondering an important element in receiving personal revelation? How are pondering and meditating similar? How are they different?
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Seek through prayer, scripture study and meditation to know the Lords will and to have the power to carry it out. (Psalms 143:8). Silently we pray for courage to accept thy will, to listen and obey (LDS Hymns, As Now We Take the Sacrament, 169). We willingly pray for the strength to follow Gods will, for When man listens, God speaks. When man obeys, God acts. 29 What can I do to hear the promptings of the Spirit? What can I do to follow the promptings I receive? How is my willingness to follow the Lords guidance connected to His ability to act in my behalf? Elder David A. Bednar also provided this insight: Humble, earnest, and persistent prayer enables us to recognize and align ourselves with the will of our Heavenly Father. 30 How often am I willing to reach out to Heavenly Father in prayer? When do I need to pray the most? What can I do to prayerfully seek to know Gods will throughout my day? How often do I pray for the strength to do Gods will?
The process of meditating
President Gordon B. Hinckley taught: We all do a lot of studying, but most of us dont do much meditation. We dont take time to think. 25 Meditation begins in the inner recesses of the soul. Therefore, in a set-apart, quiet time the mind can be stilled, perhaps just breathing for a bit as thoughts settle down, letting the silent, more subtle energies of ones spirit begin to rise. We invoke a deep calm and look to the Lord. 26 What can I do to regularly take time to meditate? What information in Step Eleven inspires me to begin meditating regularly? How can I allow my mind to become still?
Writing in a Journal
President Henry B. Eyring explained his daily habit of writing in a journal: I wrote down a few lines every day for years. I never missed a day no matter how tired I was or how early I would have to start the next day. Before I would write, I would ponder this question: Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today? 27 How can writing in a journal help me remember the impressions I receive from meditating and pondering? How will writing in my journal allow the Spirit to provide additional personal revelation? continually connect with god
Courageously follow spiritual direction
Reaching out through prayer
Elder Richard G. Scott taught: I bear solemn witness that as you pray with all the fervor of your soul with humility and gratitude, you can learn to be consistently guided by the Holy Spirit in all aspects of your life. I have confirmed the truthfulness of that principle in the crucible of my own life. I testify that you can personally learn to master the principles of being guided by the Spirit. That way, the Savior can guide you to resolve challenges of life and enjoy great peace and happiness. 31 What can I learn from reading Elder Scotts entire talk about personal revelation? When I receive inspiration, how can I be willing to accept His will and follow it? What can I do if I struggle with accepting and following through with the guidance I receive?
Listen. Listen to ourselves. Listen to God. Trust what we hearThis is the Step where we say, Show me what you want me to do, then help me do it. This is the Step where we talk to God and let God talk to usby calming our souls.We are in good hands now. The moment we open ourselves to spiritual consciousness, we have started a positive chain of events that will benefit us, our lives, and our relationships. 28 Cause me to hear thy loving kindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee
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Seek through prayer, scripture study and meditation to know the Lords will and to have the power to carry it out. patiently wait upon the lord The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him. It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord (Lamentations 3:25-26). What can I learn from reading Elder Scotts entire talk about personal revelation? How can I tell the difference between my own thoughts and inspiration from the Lord? Why should I write down the direction I receive? What can I do to exercise faith and trust in God while patiently waiting for the guidance of the Spirit?
Patience with the process
Elder Richard G. Scott taught: Have patience as you are perfecting your ability to be led by the Spirit. By careful practice, through the application of correct principles, and by being sensitive to the feelings that come, you will gain spiritual guidance. I bear witness that the Lord, through the Holy Ghost, can speak to your mind and heart. Sometimes the impressions are just general feelings. Sometimes the direction comes so clearly and so unmistakably that it can be written down like spiritual dictation. 32

My time with the Lord
I found it a challenge at first to take time to mediate after I prayed and pondered the scriptures. I thought that pondering the scriptures was my form of meditation. While that experience was valuable to receive insights and personal revelation, I felt I needed to apply the whole Step Eleven principle. When I first started meditating, it was hard for me to clear my mind. Thoughts about the day and what I had to do crowded out my ability to just listen. One day I began my alone time with the Lord by letting the words of the hymn Be Still, My Soul go through my mind. The power of the words of this hymn opened my mind to become quiet and to listen. I learned to simply ask for the Lord to show me what He would have me do today. I am amazed how this simple daily choice has blessed my life. The direction of the Lord continues throughout my day. I have found this quiet time to be essential to living one day at a time. Taking the time to pray and meditate influences me to always seek the Lords plan in my thoughts and actions. moment in order to feel the direction of the Spirit. Although the whisperings of the Spirit are clear, I am often uncertain about my ability and strength to carry out what I have received. That is when the second blessing of this Step becomes a reality as I ask for the courage through my Savior to follow the direction I have received.
Receiving personal revelation
Mediate in the moment
My day gets off to a good start as I begin with prayer, spend time in contemplation, and meditate through pondering the scriptures. But the biggest blessing for me is learning to pause in the midst of my challenges during the day and to prayerfully consider my choices. I am learning to meditate in the
Learning to be open to receiving personal revelation has been the biggest blessing to me during this very challenging time. I had to have the help of the Lord to survive this trial in my life. I know that I was guided and watched over every step of the way because I actively sought out answers and had faith that the Lord would help me. Now that the major fires have been put out in my marriage, I have to make it a priority to keep those channels of communication with the Lord open so that I dont slip back into destructive behaviors. I try to listen to general conference talks or CES devotional addresses when Im traveling in the car. I avoid the media and situations that would weaken my ability to receive revelation. When I miss reading my scriptures or have to stay home from church with a sick child, I feel the absence in my life. I have found myself bearing my testimony more often to my family about the beauty of the Atonement. It can heal us and make us whole if we allow it to work in our lives. By seeking to know Heavenly Fathers will for me, Ive found that I have
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Seek through prayer, scripture study and meditation to know the Lords will and to have the power to carry it out. am here to learn, to trust, to pray, to follow and to watch the merciful hand of God work in my life and the lives of others.
more patience for others. I better understand that Heavenly Father works on His own time table. Having faith in Him is easier than being frustrated when things dont work out the way I want them to.
Ask, listen and then act
I place my problems in Gods hands
When I ask the Lord to direct my day, my life, and my conversations, He will. For example, just the other day, we were at a restaurant where the waitress was very rude and disrespectful. I felt like responding in anger, but instead I chose to surrender to the Lord. I asked the Lord for direction, and He prompted me to know what to do. I invited the waitress to sit down with us, and asked her if she was okay. She began to cry and said that her boyfriend had left her. We hugged her, and her whole attitude changed. This is the miracle of love. This is the miracle that can happen when we ask and listen before we act. This principle also helps us to communicate with our son who is seeking recovery from addiction. He does not come over to our house when he is struggling with his addiction. When he is in recovery, he knows that he will find comfort, direction, counsel and love in our home. He came over today and said, Mom, I am hurting and troubled. I asked the Lord to lead my conversation. I said to our son, What do you want for your life and your family? He began to cry and said, I want to guide and teach my children in recovery, with God guiding me. I said, Then do it. You know the way. As simple as that conversation was, he cried and said, Thank you mom. He then went to a Twelve Step recovery meeting.
In addition to prayer, pondering and meditating allow me to connect to a higher level of spiritual awareness. I often picture the hands of my Savior open and ready to receive my concerns and burdens. I visualize placing my addicted loved one carefully into His hands. I also visualize putting myself into His hands, especially when I dont know what to do.
Revelation is a personal road map
Personal revelation has held me together in many times of crisis. When the quiet voice of the Spirit whispers that my will is not the Lord's will, it is easier to overcome the anger and resentment I may feel. With the strength of the Lord, I am able to move forward to do what He has directed me to do. I know what He wants because the revelation comes with a sense of peace that allows me to overcome my intense fear. Even in times of great hurt and fear, as I seek to know the Lord's will, I feel the peace that the Spirit brings. Through personal revelation, God gives me a personal road map to follow. He provides the strength to move forward. One step at a time is all that is required. The light shines a little farther with each step I take. My trials teach me to be more like my Savior. I have a testimony that my trials are a very personal course of study from the Lord for me, and He is my personal tutor.
Praying with peace
Through meditation, I have found greater peace. I have learned to pray without inserting my plans for what I want Heavenly Father to do for me and others. When I follow this path, I wait to feel in my heart what I should do or not do. I have learned to not pray for others to change, but to ask the Lord to show me how He would have me change. I have learned that although I cant see how Gods plan is working every day, I will begin to see it as I continue to follow His guidance. By following this pattern, I get to observe miracles in my life. My loving Father is the author of these miracles, not me. I am grateful to know that I am not responsible for all the answers in my life. I
scripture references and endnotes Alma 34:21,27; Mosiah 24:15; 1 Kings 19:12; Isaiah 55:3,8; Isaiah 40:29,31; 2 Nephi 32:3; Psalms 119:105; D&C 64:34; Alma 37:3637; Isaiah 30:21; Psalms 143: 8; D&C 112:10; James 1:5; Lamentations 3:25-26.
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Boyd K. Packer, The Candle of the Lord, Ensign, Jan 1983 Dieter F. Uchtdorf Making Choices for Eternity, Ensign, Oct 2002 3 David A. Bednar, Pray Always, Ensign, Nov 2008 4 Thomas S. Monson, Be Your Best Self, Ensign, May 2009
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Dieter F. Uchtdorf,Making Choices for Eternity, Ensign, Oct 2002 6 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 177 7 Jeffrey R. Holland, Daddy, Donna and Nephi, Ensign, Sep 1976 8 Quentin L. Cook, Can Ye Feel So Now?, Ensign, Nov 2012 9 Thomas S. Monson, The Race of Life, Ensign, May 2012 10 Joseph B Wirthlin, Pondering Strengthens the Spiritual Life, Ensign, May 1982 11 Marvin J. Ashton, There Are Many Gifts, Ensign, Nov 1987 12 James E. Faust, Strengthening the Inner Self, Ensign, Feb 2003 13 James E. Faust, Strengthening the Inner Self, Ensign, Feb 2003 14 Neal A. Maxwell, Plow in Hope, Ensign, May 2001 15 Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Harold B. Lee, Chapter 19: Take Time to Be Holy, 175 16 D. Todd Christofferson, The Power of Covenants, Ensign, May 2009 17 Henry B. Eyring, Why the Book of Mormon, New Era, Apr 2006 18 Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay, Chapter 4: Elements of Worship, 31-32 19 James E. Faust, Voice of the Spirit, Ensign, Jun 2006 20 Bruce D. Porter, A Broken Heart and a Contrite Spirit, Ensign, Nov 2007 21 Thomas S. Monson, Consider the Blessings, Ensign, Nov 2012 22 Henry B. Eyring, Feed My Lambs, Ensign, Nov 1997 23 M. Catherine Thomas, Light in the Wilderness, 107 24 David A. Bednar, Because We Have Them before Our Eyes, New Era, Apr 2006 25 Gordon B. Hinckley, Church News, 01/06/96 26 Catherine Thomas, Light in the Wilderness, 102 27 Henry B. Eyring, O Remember, Remember, Ensign, Nov 2007 28 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 184, 185 29 Dick B., The Oxford Group & Alcoholics Anonymous, Paradise Research Publications, Inc., 1998, 227 30 David A. Bednar, Ask in Faith, Ensign, May 2008 31 Richard G. Scott, To Acquire Spiritual Guidance, Ensign, Nov 2009 32 Richard G. Scott, To Acquire Spiritual Guidance, Ensign, Nov 2009
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Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message of hope and healing with others and practice these principles in all we do.

e have experienced many changes in our lives by faithfully applying Steps One through Eleven. We gratefully acknowledge the blessings, the spiritual strength, and the wisdom and knowledge we have received. As we have faced our challenges, we have learned to trust in the guidance of the Lord. Elder Tad R. Callister stated: Can you imagine anyone having a problem God cannot solve? He always has a solution that will advance our eternal progress. 1 Our hope for the future is bright because we have come to realize that applying these spiritual principles will empower us to face all of lifes challenges.
What is the message we offer? Our spiritual awakening has brought us to understand that our Savior knows us and our needs perfectly and can give us the power to do what we could never do on our own. Our faith has become strong in the knowledge that we are never alone. We have learned to personally rely on the Atonement of Jesus Christ to heal our wounds, open our hearts and literally transform our lives. (See Hebrews 13:5) We feel deep gratitude towards our Savior for His sustaining power and have been brought to sing [of His] redeeming love. (See Alma 26:13)
As we have faced our difficult trials we have developed deep reservoirs of faith and trust in Heavenly Fathers plan for us. We have come to experience for ourselves the blessings that our trials have provided as Elder Orson F. Whitney taught: "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of Godand it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire." 2 In Step Twelve we become willing to strengthen others as we share the hope and healing we have experienced. Elder Richard G. Scott counseled: There are many around you who are confused and are seeking solutions to lifes perplexing problems. Share your testimony of truth and the power of faith with them. 3 Step Twelve provides the opportunity to succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees. (See D&C 81:5)

Being a living example
President Thomas S. Monson stated: The opportunity to be a blessing in the life of another often comes unexpectedly. 4 As we have applied the spiritual principles we have learned, others may notice and be influenced by the light of faith in our lives. (See Matt. 5:16) They may wonder how it is that we have such a strong faith in Christ. The message we share in these situations is one of gratitude for the love of our Savior and for His power to restore our hope, heal our wounds and strengthen us through difficult trials. We may also have the opportunity to come in contact with others who have an addicted loved one. We specifically share the spiritual principles and the healing path that has blessed our lives. Our understanding and experience can be comforting and of great value to them. President James E. Faust taught: To whom do we look, in days of grief and disaster, for help and consolation?... They are men and women who have suffered, and out of their experience in suffering they bring forth the riches of their sympathy and condolences as a blessing to those now in need. Could they do this had they not suffered themselves? 5 The message we share is not one of being a victim of suffering but one of victory over suffering through Christ. President Henry B. Eyring taught of the importance of being a living example: We daily live our lives as a witness of Jesus Christs redeeming power.We faithfully demonstrate loving mercy and support to
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Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message of hope and healing with others and practice these principles in all we do. have received. Our reward is the satisfaction of seeing lives changed. We know that our experience, though painful, has been transformed and can benefit others. 8 Our gratitude for what we have received inspires us to lift those who are in similar circumstances and who are unaware of the hope and healing available to them. We share information about where they can receive the help they need. We encourage all who are willing to start on their own healing path by applying the spiritual principles of the Twelve Steps. We can offer friendship and guidance by serving as a sponsor and friend in recovery through personal contact, email or telephone calls. As we guide them to Christ, through the spiritual principles of the Twelve Steps, and as they are willing to apply them, they will experience recovery and healing. Our great obligation is to those still in need. Leading another person from despair to hope and love brings comfort to both the giver and receiver. 9 As we share what we have learned, we are also strengthened and our own hope and healing are sustained. Before beginning this service opportunity, both the sponsor and the sponsee are invited to diligently study the information in Appendix 4, Sponsorship, in order to learn how to have a successful recovery relationship.
all those who are struggling with any test or trial or who are in any need of help. You will need to have the Holy Ghost as your companion to know when to speak and what to say and how to testify. 6 The guidance of the spirit is essential as we share our message of faith and hope. Even though we share our healing experience, we recognize that some will be prepared to listen to our message while others will need to reach a place of readiness before they are willing to seek change and healing in their own lives.
Sharing our message of hope and healing
As we have faced overwhelming challenges and trials we have experienced the peace and healing that comes only through the grace of our Savior, Jesus Christ. The recognition of where we were before we began our healing path and the realization of how far we have come increases our desire to share our message of hope and healing with others. We have learned to love ourselves and how to better love others. We have come to understand that we are not demonstrating love when we enable others or when we live in denial. We have come to accept our powerlessness to control and change the life of another. We have learned that unmanageable emotions and unhealthy behaviors destroy our peace and negatively impact the lives of others. We have learned how to apply healing principles that have helped us to have healthier relationships with our addicted loved ones and everyone else in our lives. We have come to know that Heavenly Father deeply loves us even though we struggle with weaknesses and make mistakes. As we have surrendered to Him, we have come to experience His miraculous power to remove our weaknesses. We have also learned to recognize where we have harmed others and we have developed the courage and humility to seek forgiveness and freely forgive those who have harmed us. Along the way, bitterness and remorse [have been] replaced by gratitude. 7
Practice these principles in all we do
Step Twelve is gratitude in action
As we reach out to others we recognize that working Step Twelve is gratitude in action for what we
We have learned to faithfully trust in the will of our Father in Heaven with the assurance that He is always watching over us, and will provide the help we need to face any test or trial. We gratefully apply and practice these principles in all other challenges in our lives, including financial burdens, illnesses, disappointments and loss. If we begin experiencing negative thoughts, emotions or behaviors, we determine how to better apply the spiritual lessons we have already learned. We no longer need to be overwhelmed by difficulties and trials that come our way. We will continue to experience miracles as we remember what the Lord has done for [us], yea, even that he hath heard [our] prayer; yea, then do [we] remember his merciful arm which he extended towards [us]. (See Alma 29:9-11)
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the promise of step twelve

As we have struggled with the challenges of having a loved one trapped in addiction, many of us have been overwhelmed by feelings of fear, anger, despair and confusion. We often have felt completely lost and alone. President James E. Faust explained: Into every life there [will] come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithfulIn this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master. 10 As we have learned to apply the spiritual principles in the Steps and surrendered to His will, our Savior has masterfully molded our lives. He has healed our hearts, restored our hope and set us free from despair and suffering. This has not been an easy process. Our trials have been overwhelming and challenging. At times we have even wished this burden had never come to us. President Spencer W. Kimball taught: Being human, we would expel from our lives sorrow, distress, physical pain, and mental anguish and assure ourselves of continual ease and comfort. But if we closed the doors upon such, we might be evicting our greatest friends and benefactors. Suffering can make saints of people as they learn patience, long-suffering, and self-mastery. 11 Continuing to turn to our Savior through our suffering has lead us to spiritual growth and a higher understanding of and appreciation for the purpose of our challenges. As a result, our learning experience has become a gift from heaven and has been unlike any other we have ever experienced. Through this experience, we have come to understand the strengthening purpose of trials, as Elder George Q. Cannon taught: No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, [God] will never desert us. He never has, and He never willWe may pass through the fiery furnace; we may pass through deep waters; but we shall not be consumed nor overwhelmed. We shall emerge from all these trials and difficulties the better and purer for them. 12 As we have sought the grace of God to sustain us, we have come to experience what the Apostle Paul bore witness of: We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair. (See 2 Corinthians 4: 8-9,17) We have learned to rely upon our Savior to lift us out of deep discouragement and hopelessness. We now see that our life has become, a life that is rich in love, constructive action, and spiritual well-being. 13 We have come to understand and appreciate the purpose of our challenges. We have come to know that our Heavenly Father will never forsake us. We have learned in whom we can trust (Psalms 73:26, 28). Our willingness to follow His will is a blessing in our lives and in the lives of our loved ones. Now that we have experienced His love and grace and have seen miracles in our lives, we gratefully share with others the message of how Gods love and power has sustained us. We have come to know that by sharing our experiences with others, we too are blessed. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught: As we extend our hands and hearts toward others in Christlike love, something wonderful happens to us. Our own spirits become healed, more refined, and stronger. We become happier, more peaceful, and more receptive to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit. 14 We now understand that as we rely upon the power of our Savior, He will lift us out of the depths of sorrow into the brightest light of His love. We rejoice in the opportunity to humbly and gratefully share that Christ is the healer of our souls. 15
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working the step

Before we begin this section in the workbook, we prayerfully re-read the Step and underline the information that pertains specifically to our challenges. As we Work the Step we ponder upon the message of the Step principles while we write our answers to the questions provided. As we take the time to write down our feelings, the Spirit will guide our thoughts and help us better understand ourselves and our loved ones. As we continue to write about our journey through the Twelve Steps, we will be able to look back at the written record of our thoughts, gain greater perspective and recognize the progress we are making. Writing is a gift that will bless our lives now and in the future. being a living example willing to share what they possess and what they know at all times, in all places, and with all people. 17 How can I be prepared to share the spiritual principles I have learned with others? sharing my message of hope
Selfless service refines our spirits
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf counseled: Selfless acts of service and consecration refine our spirits, remove the scales from our spiritual eyes, and open the windows of heaven. By becoming the answer to someones prayer, we often find the answer to our own. 18 The scriptures remind us that When ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God (Mosiah 2:17). How can I become willing to selflessly reach out to share my message of hope and healing? How will sharing what I have learned bless my life?
Changed through faith in Christ
For ye say that your hearts are changed through faith on his name; therefore, ye are born of him and have become his sons and his daughters. And under this head ye are made free, and there is no other head whereby ye can be made free. (Alma 5: 7-8)
Serving as a Sponsor
How has my heart been changed through my Saviors healing power? How has He made me free?
Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). What feelings of compassion do I have for others who have a loved one suffering from addiction? How can I show my compassion by serving as a sponsor?
Share the covenant of peace
Elder Jeffrey Holland taught: Once we have come unto Christ and found the miracle of his covenant of peace, I think we are under obligation to help others do soin order that others may walk in this same peace and have this same reassurance. 16 How have applying the spiritual principles of the Twelve Steps helped me to find peace in Christ? How can I share this with others?
Serving as a sponsor even when it is difficult
Always be willing to share what we know
Elder Carlos Amado explained: Those who serve with devotion, even when things dont turn out the way they would like, are not easily discouraged, fatigued, or frustrated because the promise of peace of mind and the companionship of the Holy Spirit will never abandon them.19 How can I remember that even in serving, I must let go and let God? What can I do to avoid becoming discouraged, fatigued or frustrated? How can lifting others through serving as a sponsor help me to have
We are most able to help others when we have applied the spiritual principles of the Twelve Steps in our own lives. We cannot speak to others what we do not fully understand ourselves. Elder Carlos Amado explained: Those who serve will always be
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Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message of hope and healing with others and practice these principles in all we do. apply these principles in all we do
peace of mind and the companionship of the Holy Ghost? step twelve is gratitude in action
A new way of living
Spiritual jumper cables
Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught: We, more than others, should carry two jumper cables not only in our cars, but also in our hearts, by which means we can send the needed boost or charge of encouragement or the added momentum to mortal neighbors. 20 How can I be ready to gratefully share anytime, anywhere and with anyone?
Hands stretched out in compassion
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf stated: Let our hearts and hands be stretched out in compassion toward others, for everyone is walking his or her own difficult path. 21 As I feel compassion for others facing serious trials, how can I share my gratitude for what I have learned and how the Lord has recued me in my adversity?
That means we surrender to and accept healing in all parts of our lives. We turn in lives and relationships that dont work and allow these principles to give us, in return, lives and relationships that do work.We want healing and health in all areas of our lives.We can practice these principles and receive their benefits in all our affairsour home lives, our businesses, our finances, our love relationships, our relationships with relatives and friends. We can practice recovery behaviors in all parts of our lives because those are the same places we practiced our codependency behaviors. At some point, we will wake up and know our new way of life has really become a new life.22 To what other areas of my life can I apply the spiritual principles I have learned?

The spiritual emergency room
Serving as a sponsor is like being a receptionist at a spiritual emergency room. Those I sponsor come to me wounded and bleeding. I am able to reach out to them and comfort them. I assure them that everything is going to be all right and I encourage them to seek healing from the Master Physician. nal companion, and my children are being raised in a loving, gospel-centered home. As I watched my children one day, I reflected on my past. I was grateful for my blessings, but I was also saddened by my childhood experiences. Why did I grow up like that? Why was there so much turmoil in my early life, robbing me of peace from such a young age? Then a friend sent me an email that touched my heart. It said that the Lord had allowed me to have certain experiences so I could learn for myself how to find healing. As I read this, I thought of Step Twelve. Because of my experiences, I understand what others are going through. I am able to show mercy, love, and great compassion for those dealing with addictions and recovery. By being honest about my life my shortcomings, my struggles, and my personal journey of recoveryI have been able to use my experiences to serve others. Because of my relationship with the Lord, I have been able to share my story from a place of healing and truth, not a place of fear
I share from a place of healing and truth
Since early childhood, I was surrounded by family members who struggled with addiction. My father died of alcoholism when I was seventeen. One of my brothers was a heroin addict; my other brothers were drug dealers. My first two marriages were with addicts, and my two oldest children are struggling to recover from addiction. I spent years searching for answers for the pain and confusion of the past. I finally found recovery in the Twelve Steps and my life became peaceful and hopeful. I now have eight children. I have been married in the temple to my eter-
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and shame. The joy that I have felt as I have seen others turn to the Lord and find their own solace, peace and recovery, has been the greatest joy that I can express. I am grateful to be a part of this work. I will never be ashamed of my life or my journey. I will speak about the redeeming peace that comes only in and through my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that I will find truth as I am honest with Him; and I will find hope as I surrender to Him. I am healed as I trust in the Lord with all my heart, mind and strength.
Strengthening others
Step Twelve is gratitude in action
This is my favorite Step because it is easy! I feel so grateful for the Twelve Step program, and by serving others I show my gratitude to the Lord. Through the difficulties that my family has faced because of the addiction of my husband, Ive found great joy in being able to serve. Whether I am simply bearing my testimony about one of the Steps, giving another sister a ride to the group, or listening to a friend, I feel my Saviors love for me. This Step has made me realize that positive things can come out of a situation that, at the onset, appears hopeless and miserable. Through the beauty of the gospel, great and marvelous things have happened within my soul. I feel honored to be an instrument in the Lords hands to help Him care for His other children who have just as great a need for Him as I do.
I know that in my times of suffering, the Savior is always there to heal me. But in my darkest hours of confusion and pain, I have often needed the assistance of earthly angels to help me see my Saviors hand and to help quiet my troubled mind so I could hear the whisperings of the Spirit. I now have the opportunity to reach out to other women. There are so many who suffer in loneliness and pain, not knowing where to turn for relief. I am amazed at how the Savior has turned the ashes in my life to beauty. My personal suffering allows me to serve others in a special way. All the pain I have felt has been completely overshadowed by the joy I experience as the Savior fills me to overflowing with His love so that I can share that love with others. scripture references and endnotes Alma 26:13; Hebrews 13:5; D&C 81: 5; Alma 29:9-11; 2 Corinthians 4: 8-9,17; Psalms 73:26,28; Mosiah 2:17; Mosiah 18:9; Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
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The tender mercies of the Lord
My thoughts, feelings and beliefs have changed so much since I have worked the Twelve Steps. I know it is a gift from God. I have been able to let go of the anger, bitterness, and victim-thinking patterns. I allow myself time to work on my own weaknesses, and I dont feel compelled to fix everyone elses problems. I respect others and their efforts to meet the trials and difficulties the Lord has given them. I see the tender mercies of the Lord in my life. I feel so much happier about who I am, and so much more at peace. I feel like I have a whole new start in life, a whole new opportunity to be who I really am. With a sincere desire to bless others, I ask the Lord to help me know who to share the Twelve Step Program with. I find joy and increased strength as I share.
Tad R. Callister, "Fear Not," Ensign, Dec 2010 Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle, Deseret Book, 1975, 98 3 Richard G. Scott The Sustaining Power of Faith in Times of Uncertainty and Testing, Ensign, May 2003 4 Thomas S. Monson, Consider the Blessings, Ensign, Nov 2012 5 James E. Faust, Refined in our Trials, Ensign, Feb 2006 6 Henry B. Eyring, To Touch a Life with Faith, Ensign, Nov 1995 7 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 198 8 S-Anon International Family Groups, S-Anon Twelve Steps, p. 152 9 Al-Anon Family Groups, Paths to Recovery, 5 10 James E. Faust, The Refiner's Fire, Ensign, May 1979 11 Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball (1982), 168 12 Jeffrey R. Holland, Come unto Me, Ensign, Apr 1998 13 Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 65 14 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, You Are My Hands, Ensign, May 2010 15 Song, This is the Christ, lyrics by James E. Faust 16 Jeffrey R. Holland, Come unto Me, Ensign, Apr 1998 17 Carlos Amado, Service, a Divine Quality, Ensign, May 2008 18 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Waiting on the Road to Damascus, Ensign, May 2011 19 Carlos Amado, Service, a Divine Quality, Ensign, May 2008 20 Neal A. Maxwell, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, 56 21 Dieter F. Uchtdorf, You Are My Hands, Ensign, May 2010 22 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 193,194
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the promise of step one Admitting that we are powerless over the addiction of another will allow us to find healthier ways of interacting with our loved ones. When we learn to let go of what we cannot control, we will finally be able to find peace in our own lives. This Step takes us to a safe place, a comfortable place. [We can] let ourselves go there, as often as we need to. We can trade in lives based on fear, control, and shame for lives that are manageable. We become free to redefine our responsibilities and to stop confusing love with trying to manage and manipulate the lives of others. As we accept the reality that we are powerless over others and let go of the illusion of control over other people, their actions, and their addiction.we find an enormous burden is lifted and we begin to discover the freedom and the power we do possessthe power to define and live our own lives. As President Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught: We determine our happiness. You and I are ultimately in charge of our own happiness. Step One provides the realization that we can choose to become healthy and happy whether our loved ones choose to recover or not. We can give ourselves permission to heal. We use the powerful tools of prayer, love, patience and working with a friend in recovery, or sponsor, to help us begin to find healing. (See Appendix 4: Sponsorship) Applying Step One allows a great weight to fall from our shoulders. We let go of the losing battle we have been wagingwe move in a more positive, productive and rewarding direction. We move toward hope. Our hope is sustained as we apply the counsel of Elder Richard G. Scott: Keep perspective. When you have done all that you can reasonably do, rest the burden in the hands of the Lord.[He] provides the strength each of us needs at difficult times in our life.Never give up on a loved one, never! We feel relief and freedom as we embrace the spiritual truth that we are not the saviors of our addicted loved ones or ourselves. There is only one who can rescue and save any of usour Savior, Jesus Christ. the promise of step two Elder Richard G. Scott taught: When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose, others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Family members know that they need help but often dont know where to begin. It is when we fall on our knees, let go of what we think our lives should be and plead for Heavenly Father to guide us to the answers we need, that our lives will begin to change for the better. We will receive the answers to our heartfelt questions and they will provide a powerful spiritual growing experience. We will come to understand that adversity does not happen to us. It happens for us. In time, we will come to appreciate that even this trial will give [us] experience and shall be for our good (D&C 122:7 and Romans 8:28). We can become whole through Christ even if we currently feel broken. We will invite Gods power into our lives as we exercise faith that He can bring peace to our souls regardless of what others are doing. Elder Richard G. Scott counseled: Many of you suffer needlessly from carrying heavy burdens because you do not open your hearts to the healing power of the Lordlay the burden at the feet of the Savior. He has invited you to do that so that you can be free from pointless worry and depression. As we apply our faith in the healing hands of our Savior, we will believe as Elder Walter F. Gonzlez testified: Thanks to Him, wounded souls may be healed and broken hearts may be mended. There is no burden that He cannot ease or remove. Elder Neal A. Maxwell also testified that we are in the Lords hands. and what
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hallowed hands! His hallowed hands allowed the blind man to see, blessed the lame to walk, and gave life once again to those who had died. These same powerful hands will restore our sight, and allow us to walk free from the paralyzing effect of despair and hopelessness. His loving grace will resurrect our hope, restore our spiritual and emotional health and heal our wounds. (Jeremiah 30: 17) We remember the admonition of Paul [We] can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth [us] (Philippians 4:13). No matter how difficult it may be for us and our loved ones, there is no challenge that cannot be overcome, for Is anything too hard for the Lord? (Genesis 18:14). Our souls become anchored in this powerful truth as President Dieter F. Uchtdorf testified: No matter our distress, no matter our sorrow, no matter our mistakes, our infinitely compassionate Heavenly Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us. We are comforted when we remember, Faith is not knowing what the future holds, but knowing who holds the future. the promise of step three Surrendering to and trusting in Gods plan for us, allows us to look forward to and enjoy a greater future than any we could have had if we had followed our own plan. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught this important understanding when he said: "God expects you to have enough faith, determination, and trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. He expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace [it] .God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He cant if you dont pray.He cant if you dont believe. Believing in Gods plan and trusting that He does desire the best future for us and our loved ones provides us with the hope and courage we need to completely follow His will in all things. We have the assurance through the scriptures that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions (Alma 36:3). Elder Richard G. Scott also testified: "The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. That progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether initially it be to your individual liking or not. When you trust in the Lord, when you are willing to let your heart and your mind be centered in His will, when you ask to be led by the Spirit to do His will, you are assured of the greatest happiness along the way and the most fulfilling attainment from this mortal experience." As we trust Gods plan we do not allow ourselves to focus on the hows and whens of His plan. Elder Neal A. Maxwell explained that when we trust in God it means we trust also His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best? In time, with patience and an abiding trust in Heavenly Father, our vision of His plan will expand and come into view. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf testified: We all search for happiness, and we all try to find our own happily ever after. The truth is, God knows how to get there! And He has created a map for you; He knows the way. He is your beloved Heavenly Father, who seeks your good, your happiness.All you have to do is trust your Heavenly Father. Trust Him enough to follow His plan. the promise of step four Our Step Four inventories will provide insight into our past, opening our eyes to who we truly are. This is the healing Step. This is the healing-the-heart Step. This Step can change lives. Go deep. Go as deep within yourself as you can. Start with the top layer, and let the process take you deeper. Do not be afraid of what you will find. The things that have happened to us may be [difficult], but our core is beautiful and good. We will develop
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understanding and compassion for all we have experienced and through this process we will learn how to love ourselves. Then we can learn how to love other people and let them love us. The sorrows and suffering from our past will no longer keep us from fully feeling the love of God. As our selfawareness changes, we may find an increase in self-esteem, a diminished sense of guilt and a greater peace in our lives. President James E. Faust counseled: include [the Lord] when you take inventory of your personal worth. A fearless moral inventory is possible when we believe the Lords promise in the scriptures: Fear not: for I am with thee (Isa. 43:5). As the Spirit of the Lord reveals truths from our past experiences, this new understanding will be a light unto [our] path (Ps. 119:105). One family member shared: My Fourth Step inventory helped me discover who I am, what my values are, the behavior Id like to keep, and the things Id like to change. Step Four is based upon self understanding and self acceptance. This Step helps us learn to switch from a shame-based system to a system of loving and accepting ourselvesas is. We are clearing up our guilt and shame.we love, cherish, nurture, and unconditionally accept ourselves and our histories. It means we allow ourselves to make mistakes and errors. This recovery program was designed for human, imperfect beings. Our new definition of perfection can mean embracing who we are at any given moment. Mistakes are what we do, not who we are. Step Four is an opportunity to allow the Spirit to bring all things to our remembrance. (See John 14: 26) We trust that all things, even our honest inventory of the past can be used by the Lord to bless our lives because the truth shall make [us] free (John 8: 32). As we seek the guidance of the Spirit, we will remember important experiences from our lives that are beneficial for us to revisit and ponder. By opening our hearts, we learn valuable lessons from our past and see ourselves with honesty and gentleness. The discovery of self is a profoundly spiritual experience, one that is possible for anyone willing to learnIf the goal is pursued faithfully, [we] will find treasure at the journeys end. the promise of step five Discovering the exact nature of our wrongs is an opportunity to open up, air out, and cleanse our hearts so that we have no need to ever look back again toward the darkness and remorse of the past. Elder Bruce C. Hafen explained: Life is a school, a place for us to learn and growThese experiences may include sin, but they also include mistakes, disappointments, and the undeserved pain of adversity. The blessed news of the gospel is that the Atonement of Jesus Christ can purify all the uncleanness and sweeten all the bitterness we taste. By confronting the sad or happy consequences of our choices, we can learn through our own experience, as [Adam and Eve], to distinguish the bitter from the sweet. As we evaluate our inventories we may be tempted to become harshly critical of ourselves. Elder F. Enzio Busche explained: Enlightened by the Spirit of truth, we will then be able to pray for the increased ability to endure truth and not to be made angry by it (see 2 Ne. 28:28)Gone are all the little lies of self-defenseThis is that place where true repentance is bornwe will never be happy anymore just by being ourselves or living our own lives. We will not be satisfied until we have surrendered our lives into the arms of the loving Christ. When we lovingly accept ourselves, flaws and all, without making excuses for what we have done, we begin to develop a genuine form of self-love which will motivate a desire in our hearts to change our lives for the better. Step Five can become a turning point in our lives. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland assured: God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are, and with His help, where you are willing to go. Completing Step Five sets us on a course that will free us from the mistakes and burdens of our past and will prepare us to move forward into the future with hope and confidence.
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We humbly acknowledge that we are committed to changing our lives. This is something worth celebrating. We feel gratitude to our Father in Heaven that we no longer have to live in guilt and shame. President Thomas S. Monson testified: Cast off forever is the old self, and with it defeat, despair, doubt, and disbelief. To a newness of life we comea life of faith, hope, courage, and joy. No task looms too large. No responsibility weighs too heavily. No duty is a burden. All things become possible. the promise of step six As we pray to become entirely ready to release our weaknesses, we remember that this is not a do-it-ourselves program. We are not abdicating self-responsibility, but we are learning to trust God, trust the process and trust ourselves. When it is time to change, we will become changed. We will receive the power, help, and ability to do that. For now, our part is becoming ready to let go. As we become willing to let go, we demonstrate our trust in God and in His desire to help us. As we do so, we will develop a closer and more personal relationship with our Father in Heaven. Elder Neal A. Maxwell explained: One simply surrenders, caring only about what God thinks, not what they think, while meekly offering, O God, make thyself known unto me, and I will give away all my sins to know thee.(Alma 22:18.) Giving away all our sins is the only way we can come to know God. Our willingness to surrender all of our weaknesses will increase as we recognize that this goal is attainable. With Gods help, we can overcome seemingly impossible obstacles. Miracles can grace our lives, and serenity can take the place of despair. Our defects of character can be blessings in disguise, because in order to be free of them, we must deepen our faith, and that spiritual depth will bless our lives. This Step is the beginning of a transformation in our lives. We now begin to view our lives with eternal perspective. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf shared: Oh, it is wonderful to know that our Heavenly Father loves useven with all our flaws! His love is such that even should we give up on ourselves, He never will. We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today. Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever.The gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of transformation. It takes us as men and women of the earth and refines us into men and women for the eternities. the promise of step seven Elder Neal A. Maxwell explained: Gods grace is sufficient for each of us if we remember there are no instant Christiansthe Lord has clearly promised to succor us in the midst of our temptationsSuch divine, close-in support as is promised in the scriptures means that Gods grace will be sufficient for us if we are humble. However, we must turn ourselves over to the Lord, so that we can be succored by Him and so that our weaknesses can even become strengthsthus we are to keep everlastingly at it, being nourished by these great promises, knowing that our journey is not the journey of one day but of a lifetimein so far as we are proceeding we are succeeding. The admonition of Moroni is to come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodlinessthat by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ (Moroni 10: 32-33). Allowing our Savior to remove our weaknesses is a vital part of our journey through life. Elder Gene R. Cook taught: Christ can repair our flaws and failings that otherwise are not repairable. How blessed we are to come to understand that significant change is possible in this life. Elder L. Lionel Kendrick explained: The Savior knoweth the weakness of man (D&C 62:1). In spite of our weakness, He loves us in an incomprehensible manner and offers us great hope: I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them (Ether 12:27).
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Elder Robert D. Hales explained: As we are made new in Christ, our very natures change and we no longer want to go back to our old ways. The more we allow Gods power and love to refine us, the more joy we will experience. Elder Bruce C. Hafen affirmed that weaknesses can be a blessing: Struggling with those problems is at the very core of lifes purpose. As we draw close to God, He will show us our weaknesses and through them make us wiser, stronger. If youre seeing more of your weaknesses that just might mean youre moving nearer to God, not farther away. the promise of step eight Step Eight begins with a willingness that can begin only within us. Its a willingness to be at peace with the people in our lives, including ourselvesfree of guilt, fear, resentment, and ill feelings because of what has transpired in our pastsAll that has come into our lives was designed to prepare us to become who we are and to help us learn the lessons we came here to learn. There is a purpose for and a gift from each relationship, even the most painful relationships. Our Savior taught: Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. (Matt. 5: 9) In order for us to become peacemakers we need to be willing to release feelings of bitterness and resentment. There is a quiet, honest place that this Step takes us to, a place of dropping defenses and pride, a place where we shed victimization. We become willing to clean our slate, in peace and honesty. We choose to apply the principles of this Step whenever we feel a lack of peace and harmony with others. Step Eight brings us to a consciousness of the importance of Christ-like love in our interactions with others. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf counseled: The pure love of Christ can remove the scales of resentment and wrath from our eyes, allowing us to see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine. Because God loves us so much, we too must love and forgive each otherBrothers and sisters, there is enough heartache and sorrow in this life without our adding to it through our own stubbornness, bitterness, and resentmentWe are not perfect. The people around us are not perfect. People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger. In this mortal life it will always be that wayNevertheless, we must let go of our grievances. Part of the purpose of mortality is to learn how to let go of such things. That is the Lords wayRemember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive. the promise of step nine As we become willing to seek forgiveness from others, we are drawing nearer to our Savior, Jesus Christ. His instruction to all of us is: Therefore, if ye shall come unto meand rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee Go thy way unto thy brother, and first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I will receive you (3 Ne. 12:23-24). Our desire to follow this sacred counsel will involve thoughtful pondering and spiritual guidance. If we are prayerful, the Lord will help us know when the time is right for reconciliation.How sweet that moment of sincere reconciliation can be! Our Savior will help us. He is the great Mediator, and He is able to soften hearts and heal wounds. He knows how to bring people to a unity of heart and mind. His example of marvelous generosity to us through His Atonement can help inspire forgiveness in our souls. As we apply Step Nine and seek to improve our relationships, we will find that our burdens of guilt, shame and regret are lifted and in time we will experience a purifying change deep within our souls. President Henry B. Eyring explained: Many of you, as I have, have felt fear in approaching someone you have offended or who has hurt you. And yet I have seen the Lord melt hearts time after time, including my own. And so I challenge you to
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go for the Lord to someone, despite any fear you may have, to extend love and forgiveness. I promise you that as you do, you will feel the love of the Savior for that person and His love for you, and it will not seem to come from a great distance. For you, that challenge may be in a family, it may be in a community, or it may be across a nation. But if you go for the Lord to bless others, He will see and reward it. If you do this often enough and long enough, you will feel a change in your very nature through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Our Savior will be with us throughout this personal healing experience. As we make amends, He will bless us with a spirit of confidence and peace. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf affirmed: The more we are filled with the Spirit of God, the more we extend ourselves to others. We become peacemakers in our homes and families, we help our fellowmen everywhere, and we reach out in merciful acts of kindness, forgiveness, grace, and longsuffering patience.This is the peaceable way of the follower of Jesus Christ (Mosiah 4:13). the promise of step ten In Step Ten we learn to see ourselves with honesty and compassion. This Step tells us that making mistakes is expected and anticipated. My finest and most important lessons have all come from my less-than-perfect behaviors. I am slowly learning that perfection is allowing myself, without judgment, to be who and where I am today, and then responding to myself in a responsible, but nurturing and non-shaming way. Applying this healthy attitude increases our motivation to move forward, to do better and be better. Being gentle and hopeful with ourselves allows us to have the same attitude with others. Doing a daily inventory will help us experience the miracle and power of the Atonement of our Savior every day. The process of change is the same whether we are seeking to overcome sins or weaknesses. Elder Neil L. Andersen explained: Daily, as we are humble, the Lord will reveal our weaknesses to usAs we seek earnestly to know ourselves, to make honest assessments of what we are and of where we are, the Lord will reveal, in answer to our prayers, where our repentance should be focused. Every week we can also apply the principles of Step Ten as we take time to ponder the events of the previous week during the sacrament. Sister Julie B. Beck taught: We partake of the sacrament week after week to show our faith in His power to change us. We confess our sins and promise to forsake them (see D&C 58:43). Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught: Since we have been told clearly by Jesus what manner of men and women we ought to becomeeven as He is (see 3 Nephi 27:27)how can we do so, except each of us employs repentance as the regular means of personal progression? Personal repentance is part of taking up the cross daily. (See Luke 9:23) Without it, clearly there could be no perfecting of the Saints (Ephesians 4:12). Living Step Ten allows us to receive a priceless gift each day, as is lovingly described by President Spencer W. Kimball: How grateful we are that our Heavenly Father has given us the gift of repentance. And how sad it is if we do not recognize that each day is the time for us to make needed improvements.Repentance is a glorious and merciful law. the promise of step eleven Concerning the spiritual principles of Step Eleven, President Harold B. Lee taught: We develop our spiritual selves by practiceWe must train our spiritual selves with the same careas we train our physical bodies. We must have daily exercise for our spirits by prayer.We must feed our spirits daily by studying the scripturesAnd so I beg of youto live each day so that you might receive from the fountain of light nourishment and strength sufficient to every days need. Take time to be holy each day of your lives.
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Daily we spiritually train ourselves when we prayerfully counsel with the Lord in all we do, with the sure knowledge that He will direct us for good. (See Alma 37:3637) Elder D. Todd Christofferson reminded us to prayerfully ask in faith, nothing wavering, according to your need, and God will answer. He will sustain you as you work and watch. In His own time and way He will stretch forth his hand to you, saying, Here am IHe will strengthen and finish your faith. He will, by His Holy Spirit, fill you with godly power. Daily we spiritually train ourselves as we study the scriptures. President Henry B. Eyring explained: The scriptures are called the words of life (see D&C 84:85) and nowhere is that more true than it is of the Book of Mormon. When you begin to hunger and thirst after those words, you will find life in greater and greater abundance. Our Savior gave us a powerful promise: blessed are all they who do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled with the Holy Ghost. (3 Nephi 12:6 & Matt. 5:6) Immersing ourselves in the word of God feeds our souls and fills us with the power of the Holy Spirit. Daily we spiritually train ourselves through meditation. President David O. McKay taught of the importance of this principle: We pay too little attention to the value of meditation, a principle of devotion.Meditation is one of the most secret, most sacred doors through which we pass into the presence of the Lord. Elder James E. Faust explained how to hear spiritual guidance: We need to learn how to ponder the things of the Spirit and to respond to its promptingsto filter out the static generated by Satan. As we become attuned to the Spirit, we shall hear a word behind [us], saying, this is the way, walk ye in it (Isaiah 30:21). Daily we spiritually train ourselves to follow Gods will. Through our faith centered prayers we choose to have an unwavering trust in Gods plan for us. As we listen to and follow the promptings of the Spirit, we witness Gods power and miracles in all aspects of our lives. Elder Bruce D. Porter taught: Those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit are willing to do anything and everything that God asks of them, without resistance or resentment. We cease doing things our way and learn to do them Gods way instead. the promise of step twelve As we have struggled with the challenges of having a loved one trapped in addiction, many of us have been overwhelmed by feelings of fear, anger, despair and confusion. We often have felt completely lost and alone. President James E. Faust explained: Into every life there [will] come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithfulIn this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master. As we have learned to apply the spiritual principles in the Steps and surrendered to His will, our Savior has masterfully molded our lives. He has healed our hearts, restored our hope and set us free from despair and suffering. This has not been an easy process. Our trials have been overwhelming and challenging. At times we have even wished this burden had never come to us. President Spencer W. Kimball taught: Being human, we would expel from our lives sorrow, distress, physical pain, and mental anguish and assure ourselves of continual ease and comfort. But if we closed the doors upon such, we might be evicting our greatest friends and benefactors. Suffering can make saints of people as they learn patience, long-suffering, and self-mastery. Continuing to turn to our Savior through our suffering has lead us to spiritual growth and a higher understanding of and appreciation for the purpose of our challenges. As a result, our learning experience has become a gift from heaven and has been unlike any other we have ever experienced. Through this experience, we have come to understand the strengthening purpose of trials, as Elder George Q. Cannon taught: No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, [God] will
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never desert us. He never has, and He never willWe may pass through the fiery furnace; we may pass through deep waters; but we shall not be consumed nor overwhelmed. We shall emerge from all these trials and difficulties the better and purer for them. As we have sought the grace of God to sustain us, we have come to experience what the Apostle Paul bore witness of: We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair. (See 2 Corinthians 4: 8-9,17) We have learned to rely upon our Savior to lift us out of deep discouragement and hopelessness. We now see that our life has become, a life that is rich in love, constructive action, and spiritual well-being. We have come to understand and appreciate the purpose of our challenges. We have come to know that our Heavenly Father will never forsake us. We have learned in whom we can trust (Psalms 73:26, 28). Our willingness to follow His will is a blessing in our lives and in the lives of our loved ones. Now that we have experienced His love and grace and have seen miracles in our lives, we gratefully share with others the message of how Gods love and power has sustained us. We have come to know that by sharing our experiences with others, we too are blessed. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught: As we extend our hands and hearts toward others in Christ-like love, something wonderful happens to us. Our own spirits become healed, more refined, and stronger. We become happier, more peaceful, and more receptive to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit. We now understand that as we rely upon the power of our Savior, He will lift us out of the depths of sorrow into the brightest light of His love. We rejoice in the opportunity to humbly and gratefully share that Christ is the healer of our souls.
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scriptures referenced in the workbook

Old Testament Genesis 18:14 Leviticus 26:40 1 Kings 19:12 1 Chronicles 28:20 Job 1:22 Psalms 18:2 Psalms 32:5 Psalms 32:8 Psalms 34:4,18 Psalms 43:2-3 Psalms 50:15 Psalms 51:2,10 Psalms 73:26,28 Psalms 119:105 Psalms 143: 8 Psalms 147:3 Proverbs 2:2 Proverbs 3:5 Proverbs 3:11-12 Proverbs 20:22 Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 Isaiah 28:13 Isaiah 30:21 Isaiah 40:29,31 Isaiah 42:7,16 Isaiah 43:5 Isaiah 55:3,8 Jeremiah 30:17 Lamentations 3:25-26 Ezekiel 36:26 New Testament: Matthew 5:6 Matthew 5: 9 Matthew 5: 16 Matthew 6:14 Matthew 11:28 Matthew 19: 26 Luke 4:18 Luke 9:23 John 8:32 John 14:26-27 Acts 17:23 Romans 3:23 Romans 8:28-35 2 Corinthians 4:8-9,17 2 Corinthians 8:21 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 Galatians 5:13 Ephesians 4:12 Philippians 4:13 2 Timothy 1:7 Hebrews 4:16 Hebrews 13:5 James 1:5-6 James 4:10 James 5:16 1 John 3:20-21 Book of Mormon 2 Nephi 28:28 2 Nephi 31:19-20 2 Nephi 32:3 Jacob 2:8 Jacob 4:7 Jacob 4:10 Jacob 4:13 Enos 1:15 Mosiah 2:17 Mosiah 2:21 Mosiah 3:19 Mosiah 4:13 Mosiah 4:17-18 Mosiah 4:20 Mosiah 18:9 Mosiah 18:21 Mosiah 24:15 Mosiah 26:39 Alma 5:14-19 Alma 18:22 Alma 22:18 Alma 26:11-13 Alma 29:4 Alma 29:9-11 Alma 31:31 Alma 32:33-34 Alma 34:21 Alma 34:27-28 Alma 34:3841 Alma 36:3 Alma 36:27 Alma 37:3637 Alma 42:30 Helaman 3:29 Helaman 3:35 3 Nephi 12:6,23-24 3 Nephi 18:20 3 Nephi 27:27 Ether 4:15 Ether 12:27,37 Moroni 7:26 Moroni 7:47-48 Moroni 8:16 Moroni 10:4 Moroni 10:32-33 Doctrine & Covenants D&C 1:28 D&C 6:36 D&C 8:10 D&C 11:21 D&C 18:18 D&C 19:20 D&C 50:23-25 D&C 58:42-43 D&C 59:7 D&C 62:1 D&C 64:10 D&C 64:34 D&C 68:6 D&C 78:18 D&C 81:5 D&C 84:85 D&C 88:63 D&C 90:24 D&C 97:8 D&C 98:1-3 D&C 109:7 D&C 112:10 D&C 121:45 D&C 122:7 D&C 133:52-53 D&C 135:4
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talks by general authorities referenced in the workbook

The names of the General Authorities are placed in alphabetical order
Elder Carlos Amado Service, a Divine Quality, Ensign, May 2008 Elder Neil L. Andersen The Joy of Becoming Clean, Ensign, Apr 1995 RepentThat I May Heal You, Ensign, Nov 2009 Elder Marvin J. Ashton Family Communications, New Era, Oct 1978 Shake Off the Chains with Which Ye Are Bound, Ensign, Nov 1986 There Are Many Gifts, Ensign, Nov 1987 Carry Your Cross, Ensign, Feb 1988 The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword, Ensign, May 1992 Elder David A. Bednar In the Strength of the Lord, BYU Devotional, Oct. 23, 2001 The Tender Mercies of the Lord, Ensign, May 2005 Because We Have Them before Our Eyes, New Era, Apr 2006 And Nothing Shall Offend Them, Ensign, Nov 2006 Clean Hands and a Pure Heart, Ensign, Nov 2007 Ask in Faith, Ensign, May 2008 Pray Always, Ensign, Nov 2008 President Ezra Taft Benson In His Steps, Ensign, Sep 1988 President Hugh B. Brown Salvation is My Goal, New Era, Dec 1974 Elder F. Enzio Busche University for Eternal Life, Ensign, May 1989 Truth Is the Issue, Ensign, Nov 1993 Elder Tad R. Callister "Fear Not", Ensign, Dec. 2010 Elder John K. Carmack When Our Children Go Astray, Ensign, Feb 1997 Elder D. Todd Christofferson The Power of Covenants, Ensign, May 2009 Elder Gene R. Cook The Grace of the Lord, New Era, Dec 1988 Receiving Divine Assistance through the Grace of the Lord, Ensign, May 1993 Charity: Perfect and Everlasting Love, Ensign, May 2002 Elder Quentin L. Cook Hope Ya Know We Had a Hard Time, Ensign, Nov 2008 Can Ye Feel So Now, Ensign, Nov 2012 President Henry B. Eyring To Touch a Life with Faith, Ensign, Nov 1995 Why the Book of Mormon, New Era, Apr 2006 O Remember, Remember, Ensign, Nov 2007 Teaching True Doctrine, Ensign, Apr 2009 Adversity, Ensign, May 2009 Where Is the Pavilion, Ensign, Nov 2012
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President James E. Faust The Refiners Fire, Ensign, May 1979 The Dignity of Self, Ensign, May 1981 Honestya Moral Compass, Ensign, Nov 1996 Hope, an Anchor of the Soul, Ensign, Nov 1999 Strengthening the Inner Self, Ensign, Feb 2003 He Healeth the Broken in Heart, Ensign, Jul 2005 Refined in our Trials Ensign, Feb 2006 Voice of the Spirit, Ensign, Jun 2006 The Healing Power of Forgiveness, Ensign, May 2007 Welcoming Every Single One, Ensign, Aug 2007 "The Power to Change", Ensign, Nov 2007 Elder Vaughn J. Featherstone Forgive Them, I Pray Thee, Ensign, Nov 1980 Elder Robert C. Gay What Shall a Man Give in Exchange for His Soul?, Ensign, Nov 2012 Elder Walter F. Gonzalez Learning with Our Hearts, Ensign, Nov 2012 Elder Bruce C. Hafen Beauty for Ashes: The Atonement of Jesus Christ, Ensign, Apr 1990 The Atonement: All for All, Ensign, May 2004 Elder Robert D. Hales Christian Courage: The Price of Discipleship, Ensign, Nov 2008 Being a More Christian Christian, Ensign, Nov 2012 President Gordon B. Hinckley Forgiveness, Ensign, Nov 2005 Elder Jeffrey R. Holland Daddy, Donna and Nephi, Ensign, Sep 1976 "The Peaceable Things of the Kingdom", Ensign, Nov 1996 Come unto Me, Ensign, Apr 1998 Broken Things to Mend, Ensign, May 2006 What I Wish Every New Member Knew, Ensign, Oct 2006 This, the Greatest of All Dispensations Ensign, Jul 2007 Lessons from Liberty Jail, CES Fireside for Young Adults, Sep 7, 2008 Remember Lots Wife, BYU Devotional, Jan 2009 Lessons from Liberty Jail, Ensign, Sep 2009 Book: Created for Greater Things President Howard W. Hunter The Golden Thread of Choice, Ensign, Nov 1989 The Dauntless Spirit of Resolution, BYU Devotional, Jan 5 1992 Elder Marlin K. Jensen To Walk Humbly with Thy God, Ensign, May 2001 Elder L. Lionel Kendrick Strength During Struggles, Ensign, Oct 2001 President Spencer W. Kimball Jesus: The Perfect Leader, Ensign, Aug 1979 The Gospel of Repentance, Ensign, Oct 1982
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Book: The Miracle of Forgiveness, 32, 187 Book: Faith Precedes the Miracle, 98 Book: The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 168 Elder Dean L. Larsen The Peaceable Things of the Kingdom, New Era, Feb 1986 Elder Neal A. Maxwell Not Withstanding My Weakness, Ensign, Nov 1976 Willing to Submit, Ensign, May 1985 Endure It Well, Ensign, May 1990 Repentance, Ensign, Nov 1991 Swallowed Up in the Will of the Father, Ensign, Nov 1995 Hope through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, Ensign, Nov 1998 Plow in Hope, Ensign, May 2001 I Am But a Lad, New Era, Feb 2002 Consecrate Thy Performance, Liahona, Jul 2002 Book: Notwithstanding My Weakness, 11, 14, 16, 17 Book: All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, 96 Book: Wherefore Ye Must Press Forward, 90 Book: Even As I Am, 93 President Thomas S. Monson, My Personal Hall of Fame, Ensign, Jul 1991 An Attitude of Gratitude, Ensign, May 1992 Hidden Wedges, Ensign, May 2002 Finding Peace, Ensign, Mar 2004 Looking Back and Moving Forward, Ensign, May 2008 May We So Live, Ensign, Aug 2008 Be Your Best Self, Ensign, May 2009 Be of Good Cheer, Ensign, May 2009 The Race of Life, Ensign, May 2012 Consider the Blessings, Ensign, Nov 2012 Elder Russell M. Nelson Addiction or Freedom, Ensign, Nov 1988 Ask, Seek, Knock, Ensign, Nov 2009 Elder Dennis B. Neuenschwander The Path of Growth, Ensign, Dec 1999 Elder Dallin H. Oaks Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, Ensign, May 1994 Judge Not and Judging, Ensign, Aug 1999 Elder Boyd K. Packer The Balm of Gilead, Ensign, Nov 1977 The Candle of the Lord, Ensign, Jan 1983 Revelation in a Changing World, Ensign, Nov. 1989 The Brilliant Morning of Forgiveness, Ensign, Nov 1995 The Touch of the Masters Hand, Ensign, May 2001 Prayer and Promptings, Ensign, Nov 2009 To Young Women and Men, Ensign, May 1989 Elder Kevin W. Pearson Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, Ensign, May 2009
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Elder Anthony D. Perkins The Great and Wonderful Love, Ensign, Nov 2006 Elder Bruce D. Porter Searching Inward, Ensign, Nov 1971 The First Principles and Ordinances of the Gospel, Ensign, Oct 2000 A Broken Heart and a Contrite Spirit, Ensign, Nov 2007 Elder Kent F. Richards "The Atonement Covers All Pain," Ensign, May 2011 Elder Cecil O. Samuelson What Does It Mean to Be Perfect?, New Era, Jan 2006 Elder Richard G. Scott To Help a Loved One in Need, Ensign, May 1988 Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse," Ensign, May 1992 To Be Healed, Ensign, May, 1994 "Trust in the Lord", Ensign, Nov 1995 Finding Joy in Life, Ensign, May 1996 To Be Free of Heavy Burdens, Ensign, Nov 2002 The Sustaining Power of Faith in Times of Uncertainty and Testing, Ensign, May 2003 Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer, Ensign, May 2007 To Acquire Spiritual Guidance, Ensign, Nov 2009 Elder David E Sorensen "Forgiveness Will Change Bitterness to Love", Ensign, May 2003 President Dieter F. Uchtdorf One Key to a Happy Family, Ensign, Oct 2012 Making Choices for Eternity, Ensign, Oct 2002 On the Wings of Eagles, Ensign, Jul 2006 Point of Safe Return, Ensign, May 2007 The Infinite Power of Hope, Ensign, Nov 2008 The Way of the Disciple, Ensign, May 2009 Prayer and the Blue Horizon, Ensign, Jun 2009 The Love of God, Ensign, Nov 2009 Your Happily Ever After, Ensign, May 2010 You Are My Hands, Ensign, May 2010 The Merciful Obtain Mercy, Ensign, May 2012 Of Regrets and Resolutions, Ensign, Nov 2012 Waiting on the Road to Damascus, Ensign, May 2011 Elder Scott D. Whiting Temple Standard, Ensign, Nov 2012 Elder Larry Y. Wilson Only upon the Principles of Righteousness, Ensign, May 2012 Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin Pondering Strengthens the Spiritual Life, Ensign, May 1982 Live in Thanksgiving Daily, Ensign, Sep 2001 Press On, Ensign, Nov 2004 The Virtue of Kindness, Ensign, May 2005
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Appendix
APPENDIX 1: addiction, recovery, slips and relapses

Addiction defined
On August 15, 2011, the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) released a new definition of addiction, based on four years of intensive study by eighty experts. Their research supports what professionals and other medical experts have already been stating for several years: addiction is a chronic brain disease, not just bad behaviors or bad choices. 1 Although we do not normally think of addiction as a disease, Dr. Kevin T. McCauley explains that medical science validates that addiction fits the disease model which is defined as a cellular defect in an organ or organ system that leads to observable, measurable signs and symptoms in the patient. 2 Therefore to define addiction as a disease, medical science has proven that the critical organ damaged by addiction is the brain. The brain becomes observably and measurably impaired due to the over stimulation of the pleasure center that produces significant changes in the frontal lobe. The frontal lobe is where the brain functions of logic, reasoning, values, choice and control of urges are housed. ASAM explained that the symptoms of addiction involve the brain circuitry that governs impulse control and judgment. 3 The end result of this damage is that our addicted loved ones become acutely impulsive as well as uncontrollably compulsive. This addictive cycle perpetuates itself. The demands of the brain for more and more dopamine can be likened to constantly resetting a thermostat higher and higher because we progressively feel colder and colder. The shrinkage that occurs in the frontal lobe impairs ones ability to control urges that come from the area we might call the survival center of the brain. The brain is screaming that it needs more dopamine as it remembers where the greatest spike of dopamine last came from. The urge to act out with alcohol, drugs, pornography, sexuality, gambling or food comes as a sudden compelling impulse signaled by the brain and the person trapped in addiction is driven by those cravings to use their drug of choice. At this point, judgment and reason have been compromised and self control is virtually extinct. Our loved ones feel completely powerless over their addiction. Dr. Donald L. Hilton, a prominent neurosurgeon described it this way, the brake pads of the brain wear out, and the person runs through important stop signs. 4 Elder Boyd K. Packer explains addictions impact upon an individual in these words: Addiction has the capacity to disconnect the human will and nullify moral agency. It can rob one of the power to decide. 5 (For more information on the medical science behind addiction, see Dr. Donald L. Hilton, He Restoreth My Soul, chapter 6) Now we begin to understand why saying to our addicted loved ones whats the matter with you, why dont you just stop? doesnt work. When their lack of judgment prompts us to say Dont you see how wrong this is? we now understand that even if they recognize that it is wrong, they cannot stop. When their addictive behaviors continue, even in the midst of terrible consequences, we may want to shout do you realize what you are doing to yourself and your family? But still they are unable to stop. And why cant they stop? Because their brain is seriously damaged, altered and impaired. As heartbreaking as this realization can be, our feelings of despair may be compounded when we come to understand that addiction not only damages their brain but also impacts their emotional stability and weakens their spirituality. Recognizing addiction as a powerful disease, not unlike cancer or other serious diseases can be both
The impact of excess dopamine on the Brain
Dopamine is a drug that is produced by the pleasure center of the brain. It is called the feel good drug because of the pleasurable feelings it produces. We all require a certain amount of dopamine in order to feel that our lives are worth living and that we can meet the challenges and stresses of life. However, when a person uses alcohol, drugs, pornography or other addictive substances or behaviors, the pleasure center of the brain is over-stimulated and there is a significant spike in dopamine production. The frontal lobe of the brain is then flooded with an excess of dopamine. As this process is repeated, the brain goes into a self-protection mode: the receptor cells in the frontal lobe begin to shrink so that less dopamine is absorbed. As the frontal lobe absorbs less dopamine, the brain begins demanding more in order to feel normal, and the cycle of addiction is established.
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frightening and overwhelming. However, accepting this reality is a foundational beginning point for family members to find help and healing for themselves and to understand their role in facing this serious challenge. tion. They feel compelled to go to desperate lengths to satisfy the demands of their disease. Isolation and preoccupation are typical behaviors in addiction. Our loved ones become preoccupied with their drug of choice, withdraw from family relationships and abandon a normal daily routine. Those in addiction may isolate themselves in order to hide their addictive behaviors or because they feel unable to emotionally attach to others, as a result of the damage done to the frontal lobe of their brain. Aggression and loss of control are frequently present as a result of chemical imbalances in the addicted brain. Aggressive behaviors manifest themselves through screaming, yelling, persecuting, blaming, threatening and physical or emotional violence. Our loved ones inability to control intense cravings contributes to their aggression and other out-ofcontrol behaviors. Though these behaviors are very difficult for family members to observe and experience, understanding that they are part of the disease of addiction may help us interact more appropriately and implement healthy boundaries with our loved ones. It can also be extremely helpful for family members to see into the soul of their suffering addicted loved one. One husband and father trapped in drug and alcohol addiction shared the following: I thought maybe alcohol would help get me through the jitters of the drug withdrawal. At that point I crawled into a bottle. I drank for five years without anyone knowingI was a closet drinkerCan I tell you of the loneliness I experienced? Can I tell you what its like to stand in a garage late at night with a cup in your hand, shaking, the tears streaming down your cheeks, and saying, Please, dear God, dont let me. Please stop me. I know youre there. I think you still love me. But please stop me. But I couldnt stop because I have a disease. The cravings were more than I could bear. I would stop for a little while but the pain in my heart would be too much.Then all the fears would come back and into the bottle Id go. 6
What symptoms of addiction are visible?
There are visible behaviors associated with the disease of addiction. Therapists identify common behavioral characteristics of addiction as denial, lying, intense cravings, isolation, preoccupation, aggression and loss of control. As family members recognize these behaviors they feel frustration and anger towards their loved ones without realizing that these behaviors are symptomatic to the disease of addiction. Denial is commonly employed by our loved ones trapped in addiction in order to avoid the reality of the seriousness of their addiction. A common selfdeceptive message our addicted loved ones cling to is Im not trapped in addiction; I can stop anytime I want to. Denial also serves the purpose of suppressing shameful feelings. Many trapped in addiction feel they have become a horrible person and feel they have failed their family and even their Father in Heaven. In a desperate state of denial, our loved ones may blame us, others or circumstances for their addictive behaviors as they continue to fearfully avoid the truth and believe the lies they are telling themselves and others. Lying is commonly used by those in addiction because they cannot stop addictive behaviors and have to cover up for what they are doing. Intense cravings will increase when our addicted loved ones are separated for any length of time from using their drug of choice. As dopamine levels severely drop, cravings intensify and they can become very irritable, cranky, depressed and/or aggressive. As a result of their all consuming addictive cravings, our loved ones may do anything to obtain their drug of choice including stealing from, or threatening family, friends or others. When addictive cravings are most intense, our loved ones ability to think rationally ceases to exist. Their intense cravings are interpreted by the brain to be a life or death situa-
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Understanding sexual addiction
The American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) has also included sexual addiction as a chronic brain disorder instead of classifying it simply as a behavioral problem. In people with sexual addiction the reward circuitry of the brain is changed. As early as 2005 many of the leading authorities in the field of brain science concluded, as explained by Dr. Donald L. Hilton, that all addictions affect the brain in the same way, whether induced by drugs or by natural addictions such as food and sexuality. 7 Recognizing that sexual addiction is a true addiction is essential to understanding the dysfunctional behaviors of our loved ones. Many are unaware that sexual addictions afflict men, women, teenagers and children. Children and teenagers are especially susceptible to addiction because their brains have not fully developed. The ASAM report points out that their brains are still in the process of maturation during adolescence and young adulthood, and early exposureis another significant factor in the development of addiction. 8 For young children, exposure to or involvement in sexually explicit behavior is particularly damaging. They are too young to understand and govern the feelings it produces. They suffer from the harmful effects of guilt and shame. Children process trauma through play, and often reenact or become obsessed with what they have seen or experienced. They inadvertently become addicted to what began as an assault on their young brains and then must continue to struggle with the damage that has now become part of their wiring. There are many misconceptions concerning pornography and sexual addiction. The following points are important for us to understand: Being addicted to pornography does not necessarily include having affairs or sexually acting out with others. Having a sexual addiction does not necessarily include the viewing of pornography. Being addicted to pornography does not necessarily include the viewing of child pornography, nor does it imply that a person is a pedophile or child molester. Getting married does not cure a pornography or sexual addiction. Being addicted to pornography does not imply that it is the fault of the spouse. If someone developed cancer we would not blame their spouse. Pornography addiction is a brain disease. Being addicted to pornography is not a male only problem. Women, teenagers and children are also vulnerable to becoming addicted. Religiously active and honorable people are not exempt from becoming addicted to pornography as it often began in their youth. Pornography exposure often begins in preadolescent and teenage years. Filters, although helpful in preventing accidental exposure, do not guarantee that our children and teenagers will not develop a pornography addiction. Many children know how to bypass filters. Choosing to not have the internet in our home does not guard against pornography exposure and addiction. Exposure can happen at a neighbors home or on a friends computer, tablet or iphone. Parents who fear that talking to their children about pornography because it will create curiosity are seriously mistaken. Educating our children about the proper role of sexuality and the danger of pornography will help protect them from being innocently seduced.
If we dont understand that pornography addiction is a brain disease, it is easy to feel anger towards our loved ones. Some wives as a result of their anger and frustration have said the following: I feel that men have not been dealt with strongly enough as far as their sin. We are learning that strongly dealing with our addicted loved ones by shaming and persecuting them will not stop addictive behaviors. Addiction
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masterfully controls the choices of our loved ones; choosing to sin is not a correct description of their behavior. Our addicted loved ones feel deep shame as a result of their addictive behaviors but unfortunately they cannot stop until they find their way to recovery and healing. It is also important to recognize that pornography addiction is not a male only disease. Another spouse exclaimed: I am angry at God for allowing me to marry a selfish, small minded child. Only idle and lazy people indulge in porn. Blaming God for our situation is not a solution and is motivated by our frustration and anger. Judging the addictive behaviors of our loved ones prevents us from recognizing the disease which is motivating and controlling their behaviors. Being judgmental will only increase our negative emotions and intensify our own suffering. We do not condone or ignore addictive behaviors, but we recognize that our loved ones have become prisoners to the disease of pornography addiction.
How do we confront?
Caring confrontations are based on the positive expression of love and concern spoken in a compelling and truthful manner. The purpose is to present reality to a person who is out of touch with it. 10 Because of our desire for our addicted loved ones to heal from their addiction, we must face this very serious disease. If we want our relationships to continue, we need to communicate honestly, clearly and wisely. Here are some suggestions: 1. We prayerfully decide when to talk to our loved ones. We think about the type of outcome we wish to achieve with the knowledge that we cannot predict what will happen. We are hopeful that our conversation will open the door for them to seek recovery but we always remember, recovery has to be their decision. We cannot force them to recover. They have to be ready to seek recovery and they have to want it for themselves. 2. We identify the addictive behaviors that are negatively impacting us and our family the most. We describe specific problems such as having pornography on a computer that children have access to, suffering from violence, theft, illness, financial instability, verbal abuse or other problems. We express our concern for our loved ones, and the way that addiction is damaging every aspect of their lives. We communicate to them that addiction as a very serious brain disease that can be overcome by seeking recovery through Twelve Step programs and qualified addiction trained professionals. 3. We explain the toll addiction is taking on us and others. We might include the stress and worry we experience, the loss of income or legal problems, the anxiety, depression and fear we live with, or the damaged relationships and constant tension that impacts each family member. 4. We set healthy boundaries. We explain what we will and will not accept in our future relationship. We accept the challenge of learning how to offer love and support in healthy ways. We are also willing to recognize and change our
Facing Addiction
Facing the truth that our loved ones are addicted can cause us to be consumed by fear, anger, or both. We know we should do something, but we have no idea what to do. Initially, it is important to avoid reacting negatively. First, we take a deep breath, and decide to take time to learn about and understand addiction in order to respond in ways that will be constructive. If we quickly confront our addicted loved ones while we are struggling with strong negative emotions and are in a state of shock, we could make matters worse.
Why should we confront addiction?
Addiction will eventually destroy our relationships. Facing addiction may be the only chance we have for our relationships to survive. We know things need to be different and we want our addicted loved ones to get better. We confront because we love. If we bring that attitude of love with us when we talk...our tone may be a little softer and hopefully the lines of communication will remain open. 9 We confront addiction because we really care about our loved ones.
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codependent behaviors. We explain that we will no longer enable, rescue or cover up for them and that we will not persecute, shame, blame or try to control their addictive behaviors. We discuss the consequences we need to have in place if they continue in their addiction. As we set boundaries we need to seek the guidance of our Father in Heaven instead of reacting to our fear and anger. (See Step One and Appendix Two) 5. We try to be prepared for our loved ones attempts to deny the problem, to manipulate the conversation to their benefit, to blame us for their problems, or to avoid taking responsibility by playing the role of a victim. Our loved ones will feel shame when we bring up what addiction is doing to them and the family. They may make excuses for their behaviors. They may also minimize or completely deny that there is a serious problem. They often do not take responsibility for their behaviors. Remember, this is part of the nature of the disease of addiction. Nevertheless, we hold fast to our resolve to address the problem of addiction. We continue to clearly express our concern, explain our feelings and reinforce what behaviors we will accept and will not accept in the future. 6. We carefully choose a time and location that will be conducive to our communication. If they are under the influence of drugs or alcohol we wait for a time when they are able to interact more clearly. We treat them with respect and do not confront them in a way that will embarrass or humiliate them. If we are concerned that they may become violent, we seek the professional help we need in order to communicate without endangering ourselves. 7. We seek to use "I" statements and not "you statements. I feel this.when this happens or I am concerned when I see.We talk clearly with love and concern. We explain how much we care about them and that our only desire is for them to become happy and healthy again. We show respect by listening to their responses without interruption. As difficult as it may be, we recognize that we do not have the power to change them or to force them to seek the help they need. Sadly, the very nature of the disease of addiction works against their ability to seek recovery. We prayerfully, carefully and courageously face addiction with the knowledge that avoiding the truth will insure that the disease of addiction will continue to progress and interfere with the happiness and physical, emotional and spiritual health of our addicted loved ones. We need to be prepared to accept the real possibility that our confrontation may not produce success. The overwhelming power of addiction often interferes with our logical, heartfelt communication.
Turning from addiction to recovery
Our loved ones who are trapped in addiction often need to reach a state of utter hopelessness, pain and suffering before they finally come to admit that they are powerless over their addiction. This devastating experience, referred to as hitting rock bottom, is often what it takes to become willing to seek recovery. Beginning the recovery process requires a willingness to honestly recognize and admit they have an addiction. This awareness needs to be followed by a desire to do anything it takes to finally find recovery. When those in addiction accept that the pain of the problem is much worse than the pain of solution, they become teachable, and willing to seek the help that is necessary to achieve sobriety and recovery. Hitting rock bottom may or may not involve consequences such as poor health, arrest and incarceration, financial and legal problems, or the breakup of a marriage. When our loved ones hit rock bottom, they essentially have two choices: either to honestly accept that they have a problem and decide to seek help for it, or to give up and continue on addictions path of self-destruction. After much frustration, fear, anger and lack of success in trying to fix and control our loved ones, we, as family members, also experience utter hopelessness. We, too, hit rock bottom, which prepares our hearts to admit we are also powerless over our loved ones addiction and we also need help from our Father in Heaven, from sponsors and experienced professionals.
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What is Intervention?
Intervention is a form of confronting addiction. Family and friends may try to raise rock bottom through the means of intervention. There are many levels of intervention, but if family members consider this plan they must understand that it involves risk. Therefore prayerful preparation and a foundation of love for their addicted loved ones must be established. Anger, accusation and judgment will interfere with the power of intervention. Family members need to learn to recognize and stop using codependent behaviors before they even consider this endeavor. (See Appendix Three: Tough Love is Courageous Love) The first level of intervention is simply to stop enabling. This is not about punishing. When we decide to stop enabling we are setting a healthy boundary. We explain that we are implementing this boundary out of our deep love and concern for our loved ones because of the brain disease that is consuming them. We are getting out of the way of consequences and allowing them to happen. We stop providing money or anything that directly allows our loved ones to continue in their addiction. As we stop enabling, we may initially experience feelings of guilt and may fear for the safety of our loved ones. Our loved ones may rant and rave and demand our help or become estranged from us because we have stopped enabling them. However, refusing to enable is actually a very loving action to take. Its painful when we stop enabling a struggling loved one. Although we may feel extremely guilty, taking this step may actually increase the possibility that our loved ones will reach rock bottom, find they have nowhere else to turn, and reach out for help and recovery. This effort may or may not lead our loved ones to seek recovery, but it will help us establish healthier relationships. We can allow our loved ones the opportunity to experience natural consequences, but we always remember that we cannot force our loved ones to seek help or recovery. They must choose recovery for themselves. Even the medical experts at ASAM explained: a necessary ingredient to recovery is choice. A person with addiction must make choices for a healthier life in order to enter treatment and recovery. 11 One LDS alcoholic husband shared how his wife applied this form of intervention. I went to county detox. I was there with every race, creed, and color, what I would have called low life, and I belonged there. I was no better than anyone. They had lice and even worse diseases. Three of the bigger guys decided they were going to rape me. This is the best intervention ever done to me or that I have heard of. I called my wife and said, You need to get me out of here. There are three big guys who want to rape me. She said, Maybe it is better to get raped than drunk. That would put you back a step or two, wouldnt it? I said to her again, No, I dont think you understand, not snuggle with me, they want to rape me. Thats how my intervention happened. For she, who had never violated a code, had come to the understanding that it was better that I was raped than to drink again. The other intervention was Gods doing. I was still in county detox and I was about to enter a treatment program because I couldnt do it on my own. I have as much willpower as anyone, and Im telling you I couldnt do it alone. I called my wife the night before I was going into the center. I said, Please come and get me. I want to spend one more night with the kids before I go in for 30 days of treatment. She said, Let me think about it and Ill call you back in a half hour. I went to the back of county detox and shut the bathroom door. I knelt down next to a toilet and with all the humility I could raise, I said, Im willing to do anything you say God. Im willing to go into treatment for 30 days. I will do it if you will let me go home. I continued, if you will let me go home again to spend one night with my children, if you will let me have just one chance to lay on the bed and hold those four little ones in my arms and tell them I love them, I will do anything you say. An hour passed with no phone call. An hour and a half passed and then two hours. I called her back. She said, Im not going to come. I remembered hanging up the phone. I went back and laid on the bed. In this massive room full of bodies, I thought, Why? The second intervention came when God said, You have it wrong, my son. When you are willing to do anything I say you will have them for eternity, not just one night. 12 In this most thought provoking story, we recognize the courage of the wife to avoid enabling her husband. When family members Let go and Let God miracles can happen.
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Despite the husbands attempts to bargain with God, Heavenly Father intervened in the best way that would help him find recovery. This father and husband is now successfully in recovery and has been for many years. (See Appendix 3:Tough Love) Another level of intervention involves the use of a professional interventionist. Family members must not attempt to do this on their own because they do not have the knowledge, skills or understanding to do it correctly. An incorrect application of intervention techniques can have extremely serious consequences. The writers of Healing Through Christ are not endorsing this procedure by including it in this appendix. We are only providing information for family members who may desire to learn about intervention. The internet can be used to find professional intervention sites. Research should be done prayerfully and carefully. The following information is intended to provide increased knowledge and understanding about the process of recovery. The purpose of including this information is to help us become more patient and compassionate during the recovery of our loved ones. A word of caution: gaining this knowledge may tempt us to fall into the trap of codependency by mistakenly believing that we are now prepared to direct and enforce the recovery of our addicted loved ones. Sharing recovery information and acknowledging the difficulty of recovery may be helpful, but trying to control or manage the recovery of our addicted loved ones is not. Therapists with an expertise in addiction can also provide support through the process of recovery. There can be mental and emotional struggles that can contribute to someone being vulnerable to addiction; with the help of an addiction therapist it is possible to come to understand these underlying causes, and process them. As they find recovery, our loved ones will begin to stop patterns of isolation and learn to feel the emotions that have been repressed during their addiction. They can now begin to face and process their emotions and learn to reconnect and improve relationships which may have become distant and tense. It takes time to heal from addiction. Those afflicted need time to learn how to stay healthy and to apply daily habits of sobriety. All recovery is based on learning to constantly depend upon the grace of God to strengthen, guide and heal as the challenges of addiction are overcome.
What happens as recovery begins?
What is recovery?
All addictions, including behavioral addictions such as pornography, sexual addictions, overeating, gambling, overspending, etc., involve complex chemical interactions in the brain that produce pleasure and feelings of well-being. As addiction progresses, the body becomes extremely dependent upon these brain chemicals in order to feel normal. When stress and difficulties disrupt these feelings of well being, our loved ones persistently turn to addictive behaviors to escape and numb their emotional pain. This addictive cycle continues and becomes impossible for them to stop on their own. Abstaining from any addiction causes a deficiency of brain chemicals such as dopamine. The brain reacts to this depravation by increasing and intensifying cravings in order to reestablish chemical balance. When our loved ones begin to abstain their bodies endure very difficult physical withdrawal symptoms. These symptoms may include nausea, headaches, shaking, sweating, rapid heartbeat, increased blood pressure, intense cravings, irritability and depression. During the first months of abstinence and for up to a year or longer, it will be difficult for those seeking recovery to know how to manage these intense cravings and withdrawal symptoms. Some will
Addiction recovery is an action term that is more about starting a learning journey than stopping an addictive behavior. This journey can lead to not only biological recovery, but psychological, social, emotional and spiritual recovery as well. Finding recovery from any addiction will include choosing to abstain and enduring the difficulty of powerful withdrawal symptoms. It also involves attending Twelve Step support group meetings, applying the Twelve Step principles, seeking support from sponsors and learning new thinking, emotional and behavioral patterns.
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need medical help. A sponsor who has experienced this painful process and a counselor who has experience with addiction are essential. Slipping back into addictive behaviors or switching to another addiction is common as our loved ones struggle to cope with the chemical imbalances and emotional changes involved in recovery. During early sobriety, many struggle with anger, fear, depression and intense shame. Negative behaviors may increase during this time and family members may mistakenly assume that their addicted loved ones are not trying hard enough and are not progressing in recovery as we think they should. For the first time since their addiction began, they begin feeling emotions once again. Since addiction caused them to self-soothe, thus covering their negative emotions, they will need time to learn to feel, process and express their emotions appropriately. Understanding the challenges our addicted loved ones may be facing will help us have patience, trust the process and maintain hope through the ups and downs of recovery. However, there is a critical piece of the disease that is often left out of the general discussion of recovery Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS). These withdrawal symptoms can last from 6 months to 2 years after recovery has begun. The symptoms are not as severe but can definitely interfere with their recovery program if our loved ones are not prepared to manage them well. Mood swings, insomnia, appetite problems, headaches, and low energy can really discourage us in our early recovery, unless we understand it for what it is and also learn to manage these symptoms. Once our loved ones have gained an understanding that these symptoms are normal and often part of the process, they can begin addressing them as part of their recovery program. Understanding this is normal helps our loved ones avoid the trap of awfulizing their situation to believe they are just sicker or weaker than others or are being punished because they are morally inferior to others. Normalizing this discomfort also helps our loved ones overcome another trap of black or white thinking in which they jump to the belief that their recovery discomfort is not only worse than others but that it is going to last forever, or maybe never go away. Those false beliefs can then discourage them and lead to relapse. There are basics of recovery that can help our loved ones manage PAWS. One such recovery skill is having a more balanced lifestyle. When our loved ones take better care of themselves by giving more careful attention to diet, rest and exercise they will be able to better manage the challenges of addiction recovery. Another recovery skill is remembering the acronym, HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired). HALT alerts our loved ones of conditions that can trigger a desire to return to addictive behaviors. This awareness will help them avoid these situations. Spirituality is also important. As our loved ones develop their relationship with God, their prayerful connection with His spirit keeps them from magnifying the discomfort of their withdrawal symptoms. Talking about the struggles of addiction recovery with a sponsor and in Twelve Step support group
Explaining Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome associated with drugs and alcohol
In addition to the withdrawal symptoms cited in the previous section, Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome is very real and has been observed with those who have been involved in drug and alcohol addiction. In early recovery there is a detoxification period. Acute withdrawals may be experienced. They usually last 3-5 days after a person begins abstaining from their drug(s) of choice. This acute withdrawal phase consists of symptoms that can range from mild discomfort that is barely noticeable to extreme and dangerous symptoms convulsions, cardiac arrhythmias, cramping, delirium tremens (extreme shaking that can include delusions and hallucinations), depressed or anxious mood, nausea, insomnia, sweats, cold chills, aching joints and fever, etc. These symptoms can be very uncomfortable, at best, and even life threatening, requiring hospitalization at times, at worst. Once this Acute Withdrawal phase is over it is tempting to relax and think all is well, that we can energetically move in to our Twelve Step recovery program.
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meetings is also helpful. By talking with those who have overcome addiction, our loved ones become aware that others have struggled in similar ways. This awareness helps our loved ones recovery seem more manageable. Our loved ones are encouraged when they hear others share how they have experienced diminished withdrawal symptoms over time, have had more and more days of good sobriety and that their lives have continued to get better and better.
How long will recovery take?
What is Support in Recovery?
Recovery is a process, not an event. Attending Twelve Step meetings is important, but recovery is achieved by consistently applying Twelve Step principles over time. As our loved ones seek recovery, they will begin to change as they learn to depend upon the grace of God to help them with what has previously been impossible to do on their own. The time required to achieve recovery from any addiction is dependent upon many factors, which may include: Age the addiction began and how long it continued. Intensity of brain chemical cravings. Length of time required for the brain to heal. Mental health issues. (Trauma, Depression, ADD, Bipolar etc.) Level of willingness of our addicted loved ones to do whatever it takes to find recovery. The presence of multiple addictions. How often they are acting out in their addictions. (hourly, daily, weekly, monthly) Access to successful Twelve Step Support Groups. Availability and help from qualified sponsors in strong recovery. Availability of qualified professional addiction therapist.
Our addicted loved ones need support in recovery. When family members hear this, they assume they are the best ones to carry out that endeavor. There are many inherent dangers with this assumption. Because family members are so emotionally enmeshed with their addicted loved ones, their support can quickly transform into codependent rescuing behaviors (enabling) or persecuting behaviors (controlling and manipulating). We can easily fall into the role of being policemen and enforcers, which is opposite to the kind of support our loved ones need. The best support in recovery comes from those who are in recovery from their own addiction. They know what we do not know and can give counsel and suggestions that we cannot give. Sponsors for our addicted love ones provide acceptance, understanding, compassion, hope and love. They share their experience and insight and provide our loved ones with guidance and direction. The most effective support family members can offer would be to work their own recovery by controlling negative thoughts, processing negative emotions, and letting go of codependent behaviors. By doing this we can establish healthy relationships with our addicted loved ones and offer acceptance, encouragement, compassion, and love. We offer support when we let go and let God. We do this by letting our hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto [God] continually for [our] welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around [us]. (Alma 34:27)
As family members fully comprehend the recovery process, their unrealistic expectations will diminish, and they will be blessed with greater patience and understanding. Even if our addicted loved ones are willing to begin a Twelve Step program it will be impossible for them to achieve strong recovery in a matter of a few weeks or months. Remembering that addiction cannot be stopped by willpower alone is essential. Because addiction is complex, the battle to overcome any addiction is very challenging and requires commitment and patient learning.
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What are slips and relapses?
When recovery begins, we and our loved ones may have the false expectation that they will be able to stop addiction quickly. We both may expect immediate results. Family members are unaware of the challenging learning journey that awaits our loved ones and the intense effort that will be required. When our addicted loved ones apply new recovery principles they begin to experience a measure of sobriety that they have never experienced before. They may begin to feel confident and unconsciously relax a little in their recovery commitments. They may mistakenly think that they have easily found recovery. However they soon discover that without full dedication to learning and applying the principles of recovery and the humility to acknowledge that recovery comes as a gift through the grace of God, they may slip and lose sobriety as intense cravings take over. That is why an expression used in addiction recovery is half measures avail us nothing. Relaxing or half measures can lead to a slip. Our addicted loved ones often expect perfection and feel devastated when a slip happens. They may not realize that recovery is a life-time learning commitment. The word slip is defined as a brief lapse into addictive behaviors. A slip is often described as a break in sobriety, followed by an honest admission of the slip. It involves quickly contacting their sponsor, reapplying recovery principles and renewing their determination to do all that is required for full recovery. The word relapse is used to describe a return to addictive behaviors, characterized by giving up on seeking recovery. A relapse may be followed by negativity, increased isolation, avoidance of support group meetings, and a downward spiral towards hopelessness and despair. Our loved ones may become defiant in order to cover up their intense feelings of failure and worthlessness. It is possible for the recovery process to continue, even after a slip or relapse. Our addicted loved ones can make the choice to learn from their mistakes, struggles and temptations and then commit to continue the recovery process. Their sponsors advise them that if they slip on the trail to recovery they dont leave the trail, they dont quit, they get up and continue forward, without feeling like a failure. They learn to avoid triggers and temptations. They focus on recovery principles. They always remember to turn to the Lord for strength and to their sponsor for support.
Our responses to slips and relapses:
We surrender our addicted loved ones into the powerful, loving arms of the Savior and trust His plan for them and for us. We recognize we are powerless over slips and relapses. We communicate our feelings honestly without shame and blame, and offer sincere encouragement and empathy. We express the following: Im sorry you slipped; I feel sad and fearful when this happens; I can see this is a very difficult disease to overcome; I am grateful for your honesty in sharing that you had a slip; I am proud of you for not giving up. We review the principles of Steps One, Two and Three. We become aware of our own negative thoughts and emotions that could cause us to slip back into unhealthy behaviors such as enabling, or trying to force recovery through rescuing, persecuting, shaming, or blaming. Journaling can help our awareness during this challenge. We seek inspiration and help to set healthy boundaries, allow consequences, and recognize the difference between a slip, a relapse and a complete giving up of recovery efforts. We focus on gratitude and what is good in our lives each day rather than fearing the future. We choose to avoid exclusively focusing on our loved ones recovery progress, slips, or relapses in order to be released from fear, doubt, and hopelessness.
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We maintain the ability to have a healthy relationship with ourselves, those around us, and our Heavenly Father.
Definition at: www.asam.org/docs/publicy-policystatements/1definition_of_addiction_long_4-11.pdf?sfvrsn=2 2 Kevin T. McCauley, M.D., Pleasure Unwoven, 2012, 18 3 www.asam.org/docs/pressreleases/asam-definition-ofaddiction-2011-08-15.pdf?sfvrsn=6 4 Donald L. Hilton Jr., M. D., He Restoreth My Soul, 2009, 71 5 Boyd K. Packer, Revelation in a Changing World, Ensign, Nov 1989, 14 6 Upward Reach Foundation, Hold on to Hope, 22-23 7 Donald L. Hilton Jr., M. D., He Restoreth My Soul, 2009, 70 8 www.asam.org/docs/publicy-policystatements/1definition_of_addiction_long_4-11.pdf?sfvrsn=2, p.2 9 marriedtoasexaddict.com/confronting-the-sex-addict 10 www.addictionrecoveryguide.org/treatment/intervention_ser vices 11 www.asam.org/docs/pressreleases/asam-definition-ofaddiction-2011-08-15.pdf?sfvrsn=6 12 Upward Reach Foundation, Hold on to Hope, 24-25
We trust that through the grace, mercy and love of our Savior, Jesus Christ, all will be well. Is this faith? Yes! Is this trust in Gods plan? Absolutely! Is it easy? No! But it will become easier as we continue to follow the principles of the Twelve Steps. Hopeful conclusion and affirmation Our loved ones in addiction are not damaged beyond repair. The learning journey they will experience will develop and expand their spiritual souls. Recovery will bring healing to a damaged brain and restore it to proper function again. Since addiction has taken them to a pattern of numbing their emotions, in recovery, they will experience emotional growth and healing. Recovery will allow them to become free from not only their desperate cravings but free from shame and hopelessness! Just as we have learned to receive healing from the only true source that can provide it, our addicted loved ones will also learn to fully rely upon the grace of their Savior and begin to feel joy and happiness again. They will, as we have, come to know the healer of their souls! One family member shared: I have come to compare the experience of addiction to a shotgun blast that wounded both my addicted loved one and myself. We were still alive, but only barely capable of living. Because of my pain, I found myself retreating into the dark corners of life. In my minds eye, I seemed to see the hand of my Savior reaching down to lift me up. When I was ready, I placed my hand in His and He lovingly lifted me onto the path that lead to healing and joy. As I looked around for my loved one, I observed that when he was ready, he too placed his hand into the hand of our Savior. I watched in wonder as the Savior powerfully transformed his life by placing him on his own healing path. I realized that our Savior is reaching out and anxiously awaiting each and every one of us to seek His healing hand. All we have to do is be willing.
1
www.asam.org/docs/pressreleases/asam-definition-ofaddiction-2011-08-15.pdf?sfvrsn=6 See also ASAMs full

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APPENDIX 2: codependency, boundaries and detaching

Although codependency, boundaries and detaching are all separate terms associated with addiction, they are also interconnected one with another. Understanding the behaviors all three of these terms describe can help us interact with our addicted loved ones in a healthier manner. iors. It is essential for us to comprehend that when we are enmeshed in a relationship involving addiction and codependence, very often we dont see clearly what is going on while it is going on. It is as though we are in a fog. 2 We experience a compulsion to fix our addicted loved ones problems to such an extent that we may begin to feel desperate, confused and completely crazy. That is why many family members refer to this perplexing emotional and behavioral problem as the codependent crazies. Melodie Beattie explained: Codependency doesnt work. It makes us feel crazy. It makes us feel like people and circumstances are driving us crazy. 3 Even though we may come to laugh at our craziness, it can be sobering to recognize that this struggle, if not recognized and altered, can make us emotionally and/or physically ill. Some warning signs of emotional distress may include anxiety, depression and being consumed by negative or suicidal thoughts. Various physical warning signs may include the inability to sleep, to eat, to concentrate, or to function normally in our lives. We may turn to overeating, or sleeping too much or other unhealthy behaviors to escape our pain and frustration. These warning signs are telling us we are in need of help. The process of overcoming codependency involves: 1. Recognizing how our negative thoughts and emotions influence our codependent behaviors. (See Step One) 2. Processing our negative emotions. (See Step Two) 3. Learning to detach with love and let go. (See Detaching With Love in this appendix and Step Two) 4. Applying healthy boundaries. (See Boundaries in this appendix and Step Two) 5. Developing a positive self-image. When we have a positive self-image we are less susceptible to codependent thoughts and behaviors. Feeling good about ourselves is different from being arrogant, conceited or egocentric. It is caring about oneself, taking responsibility for oneself, respecting oneself, and knowing oneself. We are realistic and honest about our strengths and our weaknesses. Self love is the belief that we are a valuable and worthy
Codependency
Codependency is a cycle of thoughts, emotions and behaviors that can become obsessive. However, once they are broken down, analyzed and understood, they can be successfully overcome. We experience codependency when our happiness and stability in life are dependent upon what another does or does not do. When we feel devastated as a result of the choices and behaviors of our addicted loved ones and allow our negative thoughts, negative emotions and unhealthy behaviors to dominate and control our lives, we are acting codependently. The seeds of codependency are often innocently sown when we are children as we begin to interact with others. We may have followed the example of parents or other family members, who acted codependently, or we may have innocently adopted codependent behaviors such as controlling or manipulating in order to get what we wanted. Understanding how this natural human tendency may have begun, we realize that: We arent defective. Most of us have simply been doing what we learned, sometimes at a young age: protecting ourselves by trying to control others or by allowing others to control us. We grow up to be caretaking, controlling adults who have lost touch with a true and appropriate goal: loving and accepting ourselves and trusting the flow of lifeIt may be normal to want to control peopleIts not good for us; its not good for others. 1 As family members it is essential that we recognize codependent relationship patterns in our own lives. This can be difficult to do because often our negative thoughts and emotions consume us and so powerfully drive our behaviors that codependency can become practically invisible to us. When addiction is present in the family, it can be much easier for us to focus on our addicted loved ones and the negative impact of their addictive behaviors, than to recognize the negative impact of our own codependent behav-
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person. We learn to achieve the principles of self-love as we work through all of the Twelve Steps. When we feel good about ourselves, we are less susceptible to feeling that we have to control others and circumstances in order to be happy. We are less likely to feel that we are victims and we are better able to avoid self-pity and blaming others for our unhappiness. Reading and studying about codependency, recognizing it in our own lives and applying Steps One, Two and Three in this workbook will be very useful in beginning the process of letting go of codependency. Talking with a Sponsor who has overcome this tendency can be very beneficial as well as working with a professional therapist who understands codependency. We are learning to let go of thoughts and attitudes that no longer serve us well. Because codependent behaviors protected us, letting go of them can feel frightening at first. 4 As we face our fears and choose to let go of our codependent thought and behavior patterns we will have a life changing experience. We will gain the wisdom that will improve our lives and our relationships with those around us. (See Step One and Step Two) We begin to understand how to establish more healthy relationships with our loved ones as we read the following: Self-pity blocks effective action. The more I indulge in it, the more I feel that the answer to my problem is a change in others and in society, not in myself. Thus I become a hopeless case. Exhaustion is the result when I use my energy in mulling over the past with regret, or in trying to figure ways to escape a future that has yet to arrive. Projecting an image of the future and anxiously hovering over it, for fear that it will or wont come true, uses all of my energy and leaves me unable to live today. Yet living today is the only way to have a life. I will have no thought for the future actions of others, neither expecting them to be better or worse as time goes on, for in such expectations I am really trying to create. I will love and let be. All people are always changing. If I try to judge them, I do so only on what I think I know of them, failing to realize there is much I do not know. I will give others credit for attempts at progress and for having had many victories which are unknown. I, too, am always changing, and I can make that change a constructive one, if I am willing. I CAN CHANGE MYSELF. Others, I can only love. 5
Boundaries
Helping
My role as helper is not to do things for the person I am trying to help but to be things; not to try to control and change his actions but, through understanding and awareness, to change my reactions. I will change my negatives to positives; fear to faith; contempt for what he does to respect for the potential within him; hostility to understanding; and manipulation or over protectiveness to release with love, not trying to make him fit a standard of image, but giving him an opportunity to pursue his own destiny regardless of what his choice may be. I will change my dominance to encouragement; panic to serenity; the inertia of despair to the energy of my own personal growth; and self-justification to selfunderstanding.
Boundaries help to create healthy relationships through open communication and respect for ourselves and others. If our addicted loved ones make demands upon us we have the right to say yes or no. We learn to understand and communicate where our responsibilities end, and allow our loved ones to begin to comprehend where their responsibilities begin. Whether or not our loved ones are ready to take on their own responsibilities is irrelevant. It is their business not ours. Does that mean we just abandon our loved ones? No! We have a responsibility to be there for them in healthy ways, but not in unhealthy ways. If our boundaries are too rigid, we might drive our loved ones away. If we have no boundaries, then our wishes and desires are usually not met and eventually we just get too tired and stop trying. Either extreme is not good for relationships. 6 Our Father in Heaven has set boundaries for us in order to experience happiness in our lives. As He al-
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lows us to experience the consequences of ignoring those boundaries, we learn and grow. We are learning to do what is healthy in our relationships by allowing others to experience the consequence of their behaviors, even if their behaviors are addictive and beyond their power to stop on their own. This can be a very challenging path and we need the help of our Heavenly Father to set boundaries that are appropriate and helpful for everyone. Boundaries are essential if your loved one is trapped in addiction. Think of them as a psychological fence between people: this is you, and this is me. We are separate. Our boundaries help to establish guidelines about suitable behavior and responsibilities. Boundaries build win-win relationships. I can be good to both you and me through healthy boundaries. As you claim your power with boundaries, you raise the likelihood that your loved one gets betterBoundaries need to be clear, specific, and clearly communicated. You may need to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it before doing so. 7
Detaching with love is not:

a cold, hostile withdrawal a severing of relationships a form of punishment towards our loved ones a physical separation from our loved ones becoming emotionally separate and aloof putting blinders on ourselves and ignoring concerns living in denial ignoring our responsibilities to ourselves and others giving up on our addicted loved ones selfishly focusing only on our own lives
Detaching with love is:

stopping negative thought patterns that interfere with our peace processing our negative emotions letting go of codependent behaviors choosing to avoid nagging and constant criticism communicating respectfully recognizing positive qualities in our loved ones sincerely expressing gratitude towards our addicted loved ones establishing healthy boundaries communicating our boundaries without shaming, blaming or using anger not allowing our concerns to become worries and cause us suffering honestly expressing our concerns letting go of our own solutions, always relying on the guidance of our Heavenly Father and trusting in His plan for us and our loved ones
Letting Go and Detaching with Love
Detaching with love is an essential tool that we use to let go of codependency. If we do not learn to detach in a healthy manner, we become so attached to fear and worry that we can lose our strength and ability to function in life. Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength. 8 When we detach we choose to let go of worry and properly direct our worries into healthy concern. Worrying feeds negative emotions. Worry is defined in the Webster dictionary as to afflict with mental distress or agitation. Worrying is mainly focusing on the problem while concern is focusing on solutions. Concern focuses on solving the problems that we are responsible for and establishing healthy boundaries for everyone. Detaching is putting into application Steps One, Two and Three. As we face the challenges of having a loved one trapped in addiction, we use the tool of detaching to prevent negative emotions from consuming and controlling our lives. Because many find the term detaching confusing, the following explanations have been provided.
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understanding what we can change and what we cannot change giving others the freedom to be responsible and to grow releasing our burdens and cares, and giving ourselves the freedom to enjoy life, in spite of our unsolved problems living happily, focusing on what is good in our lives and being grateful accepting reality, present moment living living in the here and now faith in ourselves, in God, in other people 9 ourselves, its not my job to worry about that or to fix that. We detach from the fear. Detach from the need to control. Focus on ourselves, and let ourselves be. [We] stop trying too hard and doing so much, when doing so much doesnt work. [We] love and accept ourselves, as is, no matter what our present circumstances. The answer will come. The solution will come. But not from trying so hard. 11
A Husband learns to detach
Detaching allows us to see the real person separate from the disease of addiction. We recognize that their disease is controlling them and hiding all of the good characteristics that we used to appreciate and love. The disease of addiction has its own set of characteristics and behaviors that mask our vision of who our loved ones are. Some of the symptomatic behaviors of addiction that frustrate family members include: a consistent pattern of lying, denying they are addicted, covering up their addictive behaviors and blaming others for their situation. Understanding this truth can lead us to ask ourselves: Is this behavior coming from the person or the diseaseThis distinction makes us better able to emotionally distance ourselves from the behavior. 10 (See Appendix 1: Addiction) When we detach, we do not ignore these behaviors but we do not let them cause us suffering either. For example, when we recognize we are being lied to, we communicate openly and explain our need for honesty in our relationship. We are learning to understand that struggles and pain are part of life but suffering is optional. Detaching helps to bring to an end our suffering behaviors as we turn over to the Lord the problems we cannot solve and any areas in our lives that continue to cause us pain. Detaching will help us manage the pain in our lives by allowing us to see the difference between what our part in the problem is and what part of the problem is not our responsibility. When it comes to our addicted loved ones, we learn to say to
It was so hard to let go, so hard to give up old ways, so hard to admit that I did not know what was best for someone else.I doubt if it ever occurred to me at the time that I was completely depriving my wife of her dignity. It is often said in Al-Anon that people must be allowed the dignity to fail. I think that they must also be given the dignity to succeed. As long as I failed to detachas long as I was always there trying to pick up the pieces, doing for her what she could do for herself, eliminating anything unpleasant from her path to help her avoid drinkingI stood in the way of her self-esteem. I didnt give her the opportunity to do anything she might feel good about. I continued in the self-righteous, martyr-like fashion, imagining myself quite the hero. I dont mean to be overly harsh about this. I didnt know any better, and I was doing the best I could. My intentions may have been impeccable at times, but my misplaced sense of responsibility was monumental. 12
A mother detaches with love
I had exhausted every avenue I could find to save my son from alcohol and drugs.I tried everything begging, pleading, threatening, and pushingto get him to change. I became more distant, hostile, fearful, and needy in my relationship with him. Soon I was learning about detachment with love.I have heard detachment with love being compared to building a bridge. All I needed to do was build my side of it. I prayed for God to reveal how to proceed. I needed to see beyond the surface and look to the heart. I decided to reach out to my son, who I know was still there hidden behind all of the affects of the disease.God moved me to hug my son as he was about to leave the house without any comments other than I love you, Take care of yourself, or See
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you later.That first hug was one of the most awful experiences of my life. It was cold, wooden, onesided, and filled with tremendous emotional hurt. Hugging him got easier until it became a part of me againeven though he didnt respond. One day my son came flying through [the house] as usual and went right back out again so quickly that I was not able to give him my usual hug.[However to my surprise] my son rushed in and said he had forgotten his hug. We hugged before he flew back out again. This moment was the beginning of a new relationship for us.I dont know what the future will bring, but I have real hope and peace now.I know deeply in my heart that my loved ones are completely safe in Gods hands, just as I am. God is trustworthy and faithful even when my circumstances dont look like it. 13 Detaching with love cannot happen successfully without letting go and letting God. When we detach, we attach to God who provides the solutions to our despair, frustration and our inability to know what to do or say. Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can. So we try to stay out of His way and let Him do it. 14 let go, we do not look back on what might have been and we do not look around for things to worry about. Instead, we look up for guidance, comfort and strength from our Heavenly Father. It is safe now to detach. I can accept myself, my problems, my current situation, and all my unmanageability. I can detach, because holding on so tightly doesnt work. 16 Now we understand the gift of detachment. Now we are ready to learn better ways of dealing with an addicted loved one and ourselves. At first, we might not detach very gracefully. Many of us have done so with resentment, bitter silence, or loud and angry condescension. It takes time and practice to master detachment. Beginning the process is important, even if we do it badly at first and must later make amends. 17 Detaching is letting go. The following explanation can increase our understanding of this most important healing tool.
To Let Go...
To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I cant do it for someone else. To let go is not to cut myself off, its the realization I cant control another. To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences. To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. To let go is not to try to change or blame another, its to make the most of myself. To let go is not to care for, but to care about. To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive. To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies. To let go is not to be protective, its to permit another to face reality. To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
A wife learned to detach and let go and let God
A slogan I like for times of crisis isKeep mind and body in one place. In other words, concentrate on what you should be doing....Let go and let God is another of my favorite sayings. I have to remember that our Heavenly Father loves [my addicted husband] more than I do. When I can turn [him] over to our Heavenly Fathers care, I leave the responsibility of [his] actions to himself. Essentially, it means that I humble myself to accept the Lords will, not my will. I dont try to force solutions to the problem. I dont know what [my addicted husband] needs to go through in this life, so I need to allow him the dignity to stumble through his own consequences. I need to remember that if I have faith in the Lord, He will show me what I need to know about [him] and his behavior. He will help me know how to cope with the problem if I can clear my mind by letting go and letting God. 15 Detaching is not letting sorrow control our life. Ralph Waldo Emerson stated: Sorrow looks back, Worry looks around, Faith looks up. When we detach and
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To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them. To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it. To let go is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be. To let go is to not regret the past, but to grow and to live for the future. To let go is to fear less and to love more. (Author Unknown)
1 2
Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 22 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 15 3 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 15 4 Melody Beattie, The New Codependency, 11 5 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 192 from A Basic Pamphlet, Families Anonymous conference. 6 Rod W. Jeppsen, Lord, I Believe, Help Thou Mine Unbelief, 284 7 10 Examples of Clear Boundaries, www.tgcoy.com/addiction 8 Corrie Ten Boom, Clippings from My Notebook 9 The parts of this list that appear in quote marks are found in Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, 56 10 Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 85 11 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 26 12 Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 239 13 Al-Anon Family Groups, Discovering Choices, 32-34 14 Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, Detachment, 56 15 Upward Reach Foundation, Hold on to Hope, 57 16 Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps, 27 17 Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 85
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APPENDIX 3: tough love and facing abuse

Tough Love is Courageous Love
her actions and complained how mean and unfeeling she was toward him, she decided to demonstrate her love for him by daily watering the marijuana plants that he had begun growing in their basement. She realized that yelling at him didnt work, and mistakenly came to believe that demonstrating her love by serving him would encourage him to stop using. Unfortunately, her behavior not only supported his addiction, but supported him in selling an illegal substance, as well. It enabled many others to become or remain addicted and involved her in the illegal activity of growing marijuana. Even though this might seem to exemplify foolish behavior, it is important to recognize that family members can easily become confused when enmeshed with the chaos of addiction. Our intense worry and fear can interfere with our judgment and we can make irrational decisions as a result of not knowing what else to do. Loving courageously would involve learning to care about our loved ones and feeling love for them without taking care of their addiction through enabling. One wife of an addicted husband learned to stop enabling his addiction and start loving him courageously. Her husband had a serious back injury and had fallen into an addiction to prescription pain medication. He shares their story: I watched my wife become a codependent. My dad came to her and said, I think Tonys an addict and needs help. She said, Mind your own business. I loved her even more. I loved her for those statements. What a kind codependent! I would feel like going somewhere and she would say, You just stay here. Do you need any pills? Id say, I dont think those three are working, Id better get a couple more. Id crack my back and learn how to move just right to get sympathy. I learned how to use people for my gain. 3 Over the next several years his addiction grew stronger. His wife learned to apply tough love, stopped rescuing him and in the end he found recovery and healing through applying the Twelve Steps. Family members often unknowingly use rescuing behaviors, which allow their loved ones to continue in their addiction. It is emotionally easier to enable and to avoid the difficult reality of addiction, but
A common definition of tough love is treating someone we love harshly or sternly with the intent to help them in the long run. It is also helpful to label this form of interaction as courageous love. Courageous love is helping our addicted loved ones in an emotionally healthy way without shaming or angrily withholding love. The object is not to be vengeful but rather to motivate [them] to receive the help [they] need to overcome [their] problem. 1 We courageously allow the pain of consequences to motivate them to seek help. We bravely, fearlessly and with a deep and abiding love, do what is best for them overall. It requires courage to apply tough love. After a son had become severely addicted to alcohol and was endangering his life and the lives of others, his parents finally realized that in order to courageously love him, they needed to stop bailing him out of jail. He related: My mom and dad would always preach to me about why I shouldnt drink. They would try guilt trips, get the bishop to talk to me, threaten me [and] try to bribe me. They tried everything. All they did was bark just like a dog. It wasnt until they started to bite that I began to pay attention. All the barking in the world couldnt teach me as much as sitting in jail that first night. 2 Because the disease of addiction is complicated, it is a struggle to know what the best approach might be to help our loved ones. It can be difficult to understand how to demonstrate love courageously. Actions that we might normally consider to be loving behaviors might actually enable the addiction to grow and become stronger. All of us believe love should be unselfish and involve caring for the needs of another. When we face addiction, however, many of the ways we might try to care for our loved ones needs can be destructive to their physical and emotional health and can encourage their addiction. The following example demonstrates how love can be destructive. A mother who was desperately concerned over her sons growing addiction to marijuana began to codependently try to control and shame him into abstinence. When her son resisted
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the consequences of these behaviors are devastating to everyone involved. When we save our loved ones from the consequences of their addiction, we mistakenly believe that they will be so grateful for our intervention that they will see the error of their ways and decide to stop their addictive behaviors. In reality, the only lesson they learn is that they can continue in their addiction without negative consequences. Another example of enabling would involve letting our love and concern for the suffering of our loved ones in addiction confuse our thinking to the point that we behave irrationally. For example: A son going through detox in a medical facility was physically shaking and in great pain as he was trying to detox from his heroin addiction. His mother couldnt bear to see her son suffering, so she went out and bought heroin for him in order to stop the pain of his withdrawal symptoms. The doctor, upon finding out about her irrational rescuing behavior threatened to prevent her from seeing her son in the hospital, explaining that her misguided form of love was killing her son. We cannot choose whether or not our loved ones will remain in addiction, but we do have a choice about what we will do. We can learn to recognize when we are helping our loved ones to remain in their addiction through unhealthy rescuing behaviors, and we can learn better behaviors that can provide an opportunity for our loved ones to become healthy. We learn to do nothing to alleviate the pain of [our addicted loved ones]It is difficult for codependents to believe in their hearts that it is better for [our addicted loved ones] to pass through sorrow so that they can learn the difference between good and evil. 4 When we allow natural consequences to follow addictive behaviors, we let the consequences be the teacher instead of taking that burden upon ourselves. Circumstances and consequences can motivate change. Courageous Love requires faith that our addicted loved ones can learn from their suffering. This suffering may include the loss of homes, increased money problems, and incarceration. 5 However, in situations where someone is in danger, such as when a loved one overdoses or threatens suicide, we need to take immediate action to get the medical and psychological help needed. We should also contact our priesthood leaders and seek their help and support. This crisis may provide an opportunity for our addicted loved ones to become willing to seek recovery. (See Appendix 1: Addiction, Recovery, Slips and Relapses) Angry threats are not a form of tough love and will not help our loved ones stop their addictive behavior. Those trapped in addiction are powerless to stop by themselves. Knowing how to love courageously involves learning to set boundaries and clearly communicating them to our addicted loved ones. When our boundaries are disregarded we stand firmly behind the consequences that were established. Therapists who are experienced in addiction can assist family members in knowing how to set boundaries. Our loved ones are used to the way we have responded in the past and expect us to keep responding that way. They may unconsciously like the fact that we do not have boundaries because it means we will usually give in to what they want. If we attempt to take a stand, they know what to say to blame us, confuse us, manipulate us, or to get us so emotionally charged up that we will question our position. They know how to take our words and twist them around to their benefit. In short, they know how to talk us out of keeping our boundaries our position may further agitate them or make them angry, but it is important for us to be consistent and firm with our boundaries. 6 It is valuable to remember that withholding love is not tough love.To withhold love, respect, and hope from [our addicted loved ones] prevents the Spirit of Christ from working in [our] behalf.Tough love is firm, confident, easily understoodand it seeks an increase in [our] spirituality. When carrying out tough love, [we] should be consistent, predictable, and dependable. 7 We may explain to our loved ones how much we love them and that we want to support them in choosing to become healthy and establishing a happy life. We hope that they will seek recovery, but we recognize that they are the
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one who will need to decide their future. They are the ones who will either choose recovery or to continue in the misery of addiction.
How we apply Courageous/Tough Love:

1. Understand codependent behaviors; learn to apply healthy behaviors and process negative emotions. Avoid denial, enabling, persecuting and suffering behaviors. It is not possible to demonstrate courageous love when we are struggling with codependency or if our negative emotions are in charge of our thoughts and actions. When we use persecuting behaviors, courageous love becomes cruel love. 2. Believe that our loved ones are capable of change. Faith in [our addicted loved ones] is essential in performing effective tough love. It takes much faithto believe that they can successfully cope with the future suffering that might await themEach has the potential to survive the pain that will surely come during the disease of addiction and recovery.we should have faith [that our addicted loved ones will have the] ability to overcome tribulation. 8 3. Apply healthy boundaries and allow the predetermined consequences to follow the breaking of those boundaries. 4. Have faith in Gods power to help our loved ones. The inability to perform tough love is a sin of unfaithfulness. It shows an inability to turn [our addicted loved ones] over to Gods care displaying a lack of faith in God to perform miracles. 9 5. Pray with humility and faith to know what the Lord would have us do. Elder John K. Carmack taught Seek the LordThere is no one right way to reach them. Seeking help from the Lord in prayer may be the best or only way we can obtain needed direction specific for our situation. The Apostle Paul explains that we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Drawing very close to the Lord and seeking the Spirits
A mothers application of courageous love
She prayed to know how to decrease the negative influence her young adult son's sexual addiction was having on his younger siblings. She felt a strong and urgent prompting to have him move out of the home. She loved him deeply and didn't want him to leave. She struggled with the fear that he would become even more isolated and entrenched in his addiction if he were on his own. She was afraid that being alone might increase his depression and possibly push him towards suicidal thoughts. She wondered how she could help him without daily interaction, but decided to trust in the spiritual direction she had received. This decision to follow the Lord required great faith and courage. She prayed again, surrendering her son into the Lord's hands, and asked for the strength she needed to follow God's will. Then, she bravely packed up all of her son's belongings and placed them in the hallway until he returned home. She spiritually prepared to communicate to him the love and concern involved in prayerfully making this decision for him to leave their family. After he moved out, she continued to pray with faith that her son would be guided and blessed with the help that he needed and asked the Lord to bring people into his life that would strengthen him. That same week a co-worker that he hardly knew encouraged him to attend Twelve Step sexual addiction recovery meetings. Miraculously, he decided to start consistently attending meetings, made very valuable connections with others in the group, and began a steady and strong journey to complete recovery. Applying the Twelve Steps is critical to developing courageous love. If we do not accept that we are powerless over the disease of addiction and the addictive behaviors of our loved ones, we will not be able to recognize that God has the power to do what we cannot do. Our efforts to apply courageous love, through boundaries, will be hampered by our feelings of frustration, anger and our desire to control our loved ones.
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guidance can help us know what steps to take. 10 6. Follow the direction of the Lord. Elder Carmack also stated: Recognize the Spirit. Having drawn close to the Lord in deep and sincere prayer, we must learn to recognize promptings of the SpiritHeed promptings. Once we receive whisperings of the Spirit, we need to move forward steadfastly. 11 7. Pray for the courage to follow the Lords direction. Elder Carmack continued: Sometimes the things we feel impressed to do may require faith on our part. Only the Lord knows the full picture. If we are willing to turn our minds and hearts over to him, we can obtain insight that allows us to take a wise course of actionKnowing we are directed by the Lord results in great personal inner strength during troubled times. 12 8. Show forth mercy and love in righteous ways. Courageous love is merciful because our desire is to do that which will allow those suffering in addiction to find help and healing. Tough love, when performed correctly, stems from an INCREASE of love, faith, and respect for [our addicted loved ones] and not from a DECREASE. 13 Courageous love requires faith in Gods power to help our loved ones to find recovery. We also need the faith that the Lord will give us strength to endure the pain we experience as negative consequences come into their lives. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland stated: Christ knows better than all others that the trials of life can be very deep and we are not shallow people if we struggle with them. But even as the Lord avoids sugary rhetoric, He rebukes faithlessness and He deplores pessimism. He expects us to believe. [Our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ will] sustain us in our hour of need and always will, even if we cannot recognize that intervention. 14 Elder Holland also counseled: Dont you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some dont come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come. 15
Seek help when abuse is present
The damage addiction causes in the brain can intensify feelings of anger and desperation which can increase the possibility of abusive behaviors. Abusive behaviors may be verbal or physical. These harmful behaviors may accompany chemical addictions such as alcohol and drugs, as well as some behavioral addictions such as pornography and gambling. Our safety and peace are jeopardized when threatening or aggressive, out of control behavior is directed towards us or other loved ones. Dr. John L. Lund explained, To stay in a physically, emotionally, or spiritually abusive situation only gives permission to the abusers; it does not assist change in them. It encourages them to continue and to escalate their abusive actions. Not only is it damaging to the relationship, but it fosters coercion, intimidation, and manipulative behaviors. 16 We must become firm in our resolve that abuse should not be tolerated from anyone, including a spouse, child, parent or other family member. Even though abusers usually blame their actions on the person they are abusing, we remember: No one deserves abuse. Each of us is doing the absolute best we can all the time, and that is enough. We must make an effort to alter our self-image and combat self-loathing so that we will no longer feel at all inclined to accept the unacceptable. 17 It is our responsibility to protect ourselves when necessary. We may need to remove ourselves from an abusive situation to a safe place, call the police for assistance or have the abusive person removed from the home. We may also seek help from experienced addiction therapists or community shelters. Elder Richard G. Scott counselled: Please believe that your Heavenly Father does not want you to be held captive by unrighteous influence, by threats of reprisal, or by fear of repercussion to the family member who abuses you. Trust that the Lord will lead you to a solution. Ask in faith, nothing doubting. 18
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Upward Reach Foundation, Hold on to Hope, 110 Upward Reach Foundation, Hold on to Hope, 124 3 Upward Reach Foundation, Hold on to Hope, 22 4 Upward Reach Foundation, Hold on to Hope, 110 5 Upward Reach Foundation, Hold on to Hope, 119 6 Rod W. Jeppsen, Lord, I Believe, Help Thou Mine Unbelief, 293 7 Upward Reach Foundation, Hold on to Hope, 123 8 Upward Reach Foundation, Hold on to Hope, 119 9 Upward Reach Foundation, Hold on to Hope, 119-120 10 John K. Carmack, When Our Children Go Astray, Ensign, Feb 1997 11 John K. Carmack, When Our Children Go Astray, Ensign, Feb 1997 12 John K. Carmack, When Our Children Go Astray, Ensign, Feb 1997 13 Upward Reach Foundation, Hold on to Hope, 122 14 Jeffrey R. Holland, An High Priest of Good Things to Come, Ensign, Nov 1999 15 Jeffrey R. Holland, Good Things to Come, www.lds.org, sharing the gospel online 16 Dr. John L. Lund, Without Offense, 92 17 Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 93 18 Richard G. Scott, "Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse," Ensign, May 1992
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APPENDIX 4: sponsorship
Have one. Use one. When ready, be one.
Sponsor, friend in recovery, and support person are all names used to define someone who is willing and prepared to support and strengthen others in their recovery. Sponsors have learned to apply the spiritual principles of the Twelve Steps and have obtained strong recovery and healing one day at a time. 2. Sponsees understand it is not the sponsors responsibility to contact them. They are accountable to report back to the sponsor at the agreed upon time. They diligently work and progress through the Steps and are motivated to do their part to find healing and recovery. 3. Sometimes sponsees may feel they dont want to impose or be a burden to anyone. It can take a while to discover that such a request is not a burden but a privilege and an honor. 2 However, sponsees are sensitive to the time and personal needs of their sponsor. If sponsees have sought help from the Lord through prayer and still have great need for additional support, they make contact with their sponsors as needed. 4. Sponsees avoid becoming excessively emotionally dependent on their sponsor. They learn that powerful healing comes through relying upon the Lord and through working the spiritual principles of the Steps. 5. Sponsees have the courage to prayerfully seek help from another sponsor when they recognize that the relationship with their sponsor has becomes strained or unproductive, or when they feel it would be helpful to have the perspective of a different sponsor.
Why do I need a sponsor?
Sponsorship is an effective recovery tool that can accelerate and strengthen our healing journey. As we reach out to someone for support we break free from the isolation and confusion we have been struggling with. A sponsor provides the understanding and experience that only someone who has walked the path of recovery can offer. Its wonderful to have someone to turn to who already knows our story, someone who has made a commitment to be there to listen and to share with us, someone who can offer a different perspective on our situations, someone who respects our privacy and will keep what we say absolutely confidential. A sponsor is a friend, a confidant who has experienced [addictions] devastating effects and yet has learnedto find serenity and hope.Sponsorship is a mutually beneficial relationship. 1 When sponsorship is done correctly, the Lord can bless both the sponsor and sponsee to grow stronger in their recovery. We prayerfully consider who we think might be a good sponsor. We recognize that we will be asking them for a commitment of time and energy. In our role as a sponsee, we evaluate our willingness to be committed to work with our sponsor by accepting assignments and promptly reporting back to them.
How do I become a sponsor?
Important qualities of a Sponsee

1. Sponsees apply the HOW acronym of recovery Honesty, Openness and Willingness. We learn to be honest with ourselves, with God, and with our sponsor. Whenever we read the workbook and talk to our sponsor, we remain open to learning new concepts and life changing principles. We are willing to pray for the guidance of the Lord to receive new understanding and spiritual growth, to accept reading and writing assignments and to report back to our sponsor at a prearranged time.
Once we have worked with a sponsor and have come to appreciate how valuable their support can be, we can prepare to become a sponsor ourselves. Preparation for becoming a sponsor begins with applying and living the spiritual principles of the Twelve Steps in our own lives and, preferably, working our recovery with a sponsor.
Important qualities of being a sponsor

1. A sponsor is someone that has applied the principles of all the Steps and found healing and recovery for themselves. They then are prepared to support the recovery of another. Sponsors are better able to help another if
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they have worked a Thirty and Thirty with their own sponsor. (see page 142) 2. Sponsors are trusted individuals who provide support and encouragement, and share their personal experience in applying the Steps. 3. Sponsors keep all conversations and personal information confidential. 4. Sponsors are humble and continually seek the guidance of the Lord as they work with a sponsee. 5. Sponsors encourage recovery by complimenting sponsees on their progress. Their positive validation will encourage continued recovery. They remind sponsees to apply the principles of the Twelve Steps one day at a time, which will prepare them to receive the priceless gift of serenity. 6. A sponsor listens, shares experience, strength, and hope, and offers support and encouragement. But a sponsor does not have all the answers.As sponsors, we must be especially careful to avoid giving specific advice about what to do or not to do in a particular situation. The idea is to help [sponsees] find their own answers in their own time. 3 Sponsors do not have nor do they supply the answers to the sponsees problems. They assist in understanding and applying the Twelve Steps, but they do not give direct advice concerning a sponsees personal decisions. Sponsors share how they have been blessed as they have sought the guidance of the Lord in their own recovery. They encourage sponsees to do the same. 7. Sponsors are not in charge of the life of their sponsee. Sponsors avoid codependent behaviors with sponsees, such as dominating, controlling, acting superior to or manipulating. They do not lecture or seek to dominate the conversation. Sponsors do not seek reward, praise, or personal recognition for their service with sponsees.
Managing negative conversations

1. Sponsors seek to understand and provide empathy, but are careful to avoid participating in excessively negative conversations that involve venting or blaming others or their circumstances. They explain that applying the principles of the Steps will help to release suffering. 2. In certain situations where the negative emotional tone of the conversation needs to improve, Sponsors can begin asking questions that shift the discussion from pain to recovery and healing. At these times, using questions appropriate to the situation can be helpful in guiding a sponsee to the path of self awareness. (See suggested questions at the end of this document) 3. Sponsors are patient with the process and remember that newcomers move forward through the Steps at their own pace. Sponsees may repeat unhealthy behaviors and may struggle to understand how to apply the principles and practices of recovery. Sponsors remember that the journey of recovery is unique for each person.
Feeling overwhelmed
1. If sponsors become overwhelmed, they prayerfully seek guidance to know how to protect their own spiritual, emotional, and physical health and the needs of their family. Sponsors wisely balance these responsibilities with the needs of a sponsee and are careful to not support too many sponsees at one time. 2. If sponsees are not progressing in recovery or are needlessly taking a lot of the sponsors time, it may be necessary to recommend that they wait until they are in a better position to work their recovery or that they seek help from another sponsor. 3. A sponsor may become aware that a sponsee is struggling emotionally and has needs beyond the sponsors ability to help. Sponsors understand they are not therapists or psychologists and do not give counsel that is best
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left to a professional. If needed, sponsors can recommend that sponsees seek out skilled and qualified gospel-centered therapists to help them with specific needs. If they are experiencing physical abuse or dangerous threats, sponsors encourage sponsees to immediately contact the police or a community hotline for help and also encourage contact with their ecclesiastical leaders.
Thirty in Thirty A change of heart experience
One very successful method of helping sponsees quickly learn how to work the Steps and gain a firm foundation for recovery is called a thirty in thirty. It is, simply, that Sponsees contact their sponsor every day for 30 days. Sponsors give one assignment to the sponsees each day, following the pattern set above. The assignments are tailored to the needs of the individual, allowing them to do what they have time to do each day. The goal of this exercise is to establish the pattern of working towards recovery daily, to gain the strength that comes from being accountable to another person, and to increase sponsees understanding of the foundational principles of healing as they share the insights they gain with their sponsor each day. It is not intended that the sponsees work through all the Steps in thirty days. Although sponsees may only have time to work through the Introduction and the first three Steps, doing so with the guidance and support of their sponsor will lay a strong foundation for their continued recovery. After thirty days have passed, the sponsor and sponsee evaluate the needs of the sponsee and determine whether it would be best for the thirty in thirty to continue or if contact should continue weekly, less frequently, or only as needed.
Finding assignments for the sponsee
Sponsors lead their sponsees through the Steps in the same order as presented in the Healing Through Christ workbook. The order of assignments given by the sponsor greatly facilitates the healing process because each assignment builds on the previous one. Sponsors give assignments with sensitivity as to the time availability of the sponsee. An assignment may be to read one column, one page or several sections of a Step and to record any insights gained in a recovery journal.
Each assignment follows this pattern:

1. READ: Sponsors encourage sponsees to prayerfully seek the guidance of the Lord before reading each assignment, asking what the Lord would have them learn as they read. Seek learning even by study and also by faith (D&C 109:7) 2. WRITE: Sponsors ask sponsees to journal their thoughts and impressions from their reading. 3. RETURN AND REPORT: A convenient time is agreed upon for the sponsees to report back what they have learned. Sponsors carefully listen to the sponsees report and provide encouragement and validation as to what sponsees are learning. Sponsors may also share how the principles of the Step have blessed their lives. The above sponsorship pattern of Read, Write, and Return and Report could be accomplished daily, weekly or biweekly according to the needs and time availability of the sponsee.
What if sponsees neglect daily contact?
Daily contact is the power behind this pattern of recovery. If sponsees are inconsistent, sponsors contact their sponsees to evaluate the situation and together they discuss whether it is wise to continue at this time. Sponsees should be respectful of the time the sponsors are reserving for them. As a result of doing a Thirty in Thirty with my sponsor, I have walked out of a life of fear, anger, and sorrow. Heavenly Father has taken the scales of darkness from my eyes and I am finding peace and happiness in my daily life. In a short time, my life has been transformed through applying the principles of the Steps. I see everything in my situation differently now.
A sponsee shared:
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My sponsor guided me through reading and writing assignments to find the power and love of my Savior. Once a sponsee has completed and applied the principles of any given Step to the best of their ability, they are encouraged to move forward to the next Step. We recognize that progress through the Steps is the important consideration, not perfection in the Steps. We continue to apply the principles we have learned in each of the Steps, even as we move on to the next Step. As we seek to more fully apply all of the Steps in our lives, we recognize that recovery and healing will always be an ongoing process.
1
Suggested sponsorship questions:
The following questions may be used by sponsors to support sponsees. Questions can increase self awareness and strengthen recovery. Sponsors pray for inspiration to know which questions would be most beneficial for their sponsees. 1. Are you taking care of yourself spiritually, emotionally, and physically? Are you: Doing your dailies: prayer, scripture study, meditating? Choosing uplifting thoughts and feelings? Seeking peaceful interactions with others? Setting healthy boundaries? (See Step 2 Set healthy boundaries) Giving positive feedback to yourself? Participating in hobbies or fun activities? Caring for your body by getting enough rest and exercise, eating a nutritious diet, and seeking appropriate medical care? Finding time to relax, and participating in activities that help you relieve stress? 2. Do you pray to know what your part is in Heavenly Fathers plan? Have you asked the Lord what He would have you do or say? 3. What spiritual gift could you pray for that would help you at this time? (Patience, courage, hope, etc.) 4. What emotions are you feeling right now? 5. What Step might help you in this situation? 6. What can you learn from relationship conflicts? What might you do differently next time? 7. What can you do to find the help you need right now, in order to shift from pain to peace?
Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works,36-37 Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 37 3 Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works,36
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APPENDIX 5: glossary of common recovery terms Addiction

more visible when we have loved ones enslaved by addiction. Codependency may also manifest itself in our parenting skills, friendships, work associations and family interactions.
Addiction is a brain disease characterized by an inability to stop consumption of drugs, alcohol, compulsive viewing of pornography and other obsessive behaviors despite adverse consequences. Behavioral characteristics include compulsion, impaired judgment, emotional instability, denial, lying, and intense cravings. When recovery is begun, slips and relapses may occur even as the recovery process is consistently pursued. Without active involvement in recovery, addiction is relentlessly progressive and will result in increased damage, loss, and suffering in the life of those trapped by its destructive power.
Courage to change
Boundaries
As family members, we find serenity by having the courage to change our own lives and by choosing healing over pain and suffering. Our addicted loved ones, when ready, will also need courage and determination to change. It will require courage to face their own addiction, endure severe withdrawal, apply recovery principles, seek help from a sponsor in recovery and face all the challenges they must overcome as they triumph over addiction.
Our own personal boundaries are guidelines or limits that we choose to establish for ourselves that make it possible to have reasonable, safe, and healthy interaction with others. For example when we choose to stop enabling we are setting a healthy boundary for ourselves and for our loved ones because enabling damages both of our lives. Boundaries can empower us to decide how we will allow others to treat us and how we will treat and respond to others. (See Step Two and Appendix 2: Boundaries)
Dailies
These are the tools we use each day. Prayer, scripture study, Step study, journal writing, and meditation are routine patterns that help us establish and maintain recovery, whether we are seeking recovery from addiction or are family members seeking healing.
Detach
Change is a process, not an event
Daily we apply the healing principles found in the Steps and with patience and time, our lives will change for the better. Recovery for our addicted loved ones follows the same process.
Detaching is letting go of worry and fear, as well as letting go of rescuing, persecuting and suffering behaviors. Detaching begins when we stop obsessively focusing on the addiction of our loved ones and focus on solutions that encourage our own emotional healing and spiritual and physical wellness. As we learn to detach we attach to our Father in Heaven with faith and hope.
Codependency
The Drama Triangle
When we are confronted with the reality of having a loved one trapped in addiction, we can unintentionally develop unhealthy behaviors as a result of not knowing what else to do. We begin acting codependently when we turn to enabling, rescuing, controlling, persecuting, and suffering behaviors in order to cope with painful feelings such as fear and anger. One of the most common forms of codependency involves obsessively focusing on the behaviors of others to the point that our quality of life is negatively impacted. Codependency impairs healthy relationships and is harmful to everyone involved in its tangled web. Codependency is often
In the drama triangle, one major role is identified as the Victim. The Victim is someone who sees life as happening to them and who feels powerless to change their circumstances. Victims place the blame for their status on a Persecutor, who can be a person or a situation. Being powerless, the Victim seeks a Rescuer to solve the problem for them. This dynamic is cyclical and repeats as one problem replaces another, creating a roller-coaster effect of tension and relief in a person's life. Victims, persecutors, and rescuers get caught in a cycle that is hard to escape. This is a very unhealthy behavioral pattern that can involve marriage partners or a whole
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APPENDIX 5: glossary of common recovery terms

family. It is very important to seek professional help when this pattern is present. our suffering. We accept life as it comes, learn the lessons our trials can teach us and regardless of our circumstances, allow God to bless us by turning to Him for guidance, strength, and peace.
H.O.W.
This acronym stands for Honesty, OpenMindedness, and Willingness. These are the keys to recovery for anyone trapped in addiction as well as for family members seeking healing. Without honesty with self, God and others, we cannot recognize that we need help. Without openness we will not be humble enough to learn healing principles. Without willingness we will not be able to apply what we are learning and progress into recovery.
Live in the now
Family members tend to regret the past and fear the future. Worrying about the future and reliving the past causes pain and interferes with the present. Recovery happens when we are willing to live in the present, focusing each day on our own healing progress.
Let it begin with me
Let go, let God
As family members we often believe that we will not be happy until our addicted loved one stops their addictive behaviors. We learn that finding happiness begins with me. We choose to move forward on our own path to healing and recovery, rather than waiting for the recovery of another. We also learn to change our own behavior first. We recognize that it is not good enough to wait for others to treat us well before we are considerate of them. Most of us find that after a while we begin to attract what we give out. If we are consistently warm and respectful, we tend to attract respect and warmth from others. 1 This attitude may not effect a change immediately, but in time it will transform our lives.
We come to accept what we cannot do and surrender our concerns to God who is capable of carrying our burdens, granting us guidance and providing us with comfort and strength. We also surrender our addicted loved ones to His plan and tender care.
One day at a time
We learn to face our challenges each day, sometimes one hour or one minute at a time. The best approach is to follow the slogan Easy does it and patiently work on healing principles one day at a time. We do not compare our progress to others or expect instant healing. Our addicted loved ones also follow this same pattern as they seek recovery. Living one day at a time can bring great rewards.
Learn to listen and listen to learn
Powerlessness
When our life is in chaos, learning to quietly listen to the guidance of the Spirit will bring us greater peace. As we listen to others that have walked a similar path and have found healing, including our sponsor, we learn that if we have the selfdiscipline to be quiet and pay attention to others words, we can learn a tremendous amount about ourselves and our world. 2 Wisdom, compassion and understanding will begin to fill our hearts and minds.
Live life on life's terms
Trials and challenges in life are not always under our control. We accept whatever happens even if we face severe adversity. We choose to avoid complaining or indulging in self pity which only increase
Addiction is a disease of the brain which our loved ones are completely powerless to stop on their own. We too, are powerless to control or stop their addiction. When we come to terms with this realization, we understand that this truth does not mean that we are helpless, weak or victims. There are some things in life we have control over and there are a lot of other things that we have little or no control over. The important thing is learning which is which. As we recognize the many things we are powerless over, we seek help, strength and comfort from our powerful Father in Heaven. We come to fully grasp the true principle I cant but God can. (Read Steps One, Two and Three)
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APPENDIX 5: glossary of common recovery terms Recovery for our addicted loved ones This too shall pass
Successful recovery is more than abstinence from addictive behaviors. Recovery involves a process of inward change, emotional and physical healing, spiritual renewal, and learning new ways to face the triggers, temptations, challenges, and trials of life. Recovery comes through reliance on the guidance and grace of God. It is most successfully obtained by diligent application of the spiritual principles of the 12 Steps coupled with the guidance of a sponsor in recovery.
We trust that, through the grace of God, as we are willing to apply spiritual principles, we will move past our suffering, frustration, and despair and receive hope and peace.
White knuckling
Recovery for the family member
Throughout the workbook the words recovery and healing are used interchangeably. Definitions of the words recover and heal are: to get well, recuperate, make progress, restore, mend and improve our lives. As we apply the spiritual principles of the Twelve Steps, we seek to recover and heal from our emotional pain and unhealthy behaviors and restore our spiritual health.
This term refers to overcoming addiction by will power alone. Abstinence is a part of recovery, but is impossible to maintain without applying 12 Step recovery principles. Self will or white knuckling almost always results in relapse, loss of hope, and giving up.
1 2
Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 99 Al-Anon Family Groups, How Al-Anon Works, 99
Sponsor - support person - friend in recovery
These three words are used to define someone in strong recovery to whom we turn for guidance, encouragement, and help in time of need. A sponsor acts as a personal guide who can help us understand how to apply the Steps, provide recovery assignments, and listen to our Step Four inventories. (See Appendix 4: Sponsorship)
Take what you can and leave the rest
As we talk with others seeking recovery, they may suggest solutions or share beliefs that are not wise or based on true principles of healing and recovery. We learn what we can and let go of anything that is not beneficial or productive.
Talk the talk, walk the walk, working the Steps

When we begin to read the workbook, we start to feel hope and we may share with others how we are being strengthened. This is talking the talk. We walk the walk when we change our lives through applying the spiritual principles of the Step. We work the Steps when we seek help from a sponsor and follow through with daily assignments.
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APPENDIX 6: recommended reading list

The following books greatly contributed to the understanding and recovery of the writers of the Healing Through Christ workbook. Books by Melody Beattie
Melody Beattie participated in the 12 Step program to find recovery from her addictions. After she found recovery, she experienced trauma as she tried to fix and control her addicted loved ones. She began to recognize that the 12 Step pathway as a family member required additional tools and help. In her book Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps her insights and wisdom for the family member are priceless. She is considered one of the best authors on codependency as she puts codependency into language people can easily grasp and use. Her books are available at www.melodybeattie.com or amazon.com 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps Codependent No More Journey to the Heart The New Codependency Make Miracles in Forty Days Gratitude: Affirming the Good Things in Life The Language of Letting Go
Books by Al-Anon Family Groups
The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery. Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic. Available at al-anonestore.org 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. How Al-Anon Works for Friends and Family Hope for Today Paths to Recovery Discovering Choices Courage to Change Blueprint for Progress: Al-Anon's Fourth Step Inventory
S-Anon Twelve Steps
The S-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of the relatives and friends of sexually addicted people who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems. Their program of recovery is adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous and is based on the Twelve Steps. Available at www.sanon.org/Store.
Hold on to Hope: Suggestions for LDS Codependents
Hidden Treasures Institute (Author) Family members find their greatest challenge is learning how to love and to help someone who is trapped in addiction. Simple gospel principles are included that can act as resources in dealing with ourselves and others. Available online at amazon.com.
He Restoreth My Soul by Donald L. Hilton Jr. M.D.
The author is a neurosurgeon with extensive research into sexual addiction. He explains how technology has accelerated our fascination with pleasure. Indeed, the power of pleasure has been underestimated, and Internet pornography is changing the world in a fundamental way. In this book, author Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD explores
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APPENDIX 6: recommended reading list

the destructive power of pornography addiction, not just from a moral and spiritual perspective, but with the scrutiny of modern science. Current research tells us that there is little difference in physical or chemical changes in the pleasure and control centers of the brain regardless of whether the addiction is "from a chemical or an experience," as stated in the journal Science. His book is a medical perspective on the brain drug relationship and sex addiction with recovery stories of men and women trapped in sexual addiction and spouse recovery stories, available at deseretbook.com and salifeline.org.
Books by Steven Cramer
Steven Cramer is an LDS author of many life changing books. Having overcome sexual addiction, the author provides a unique perspective into the process of overcoming a very devastating addiction. Insights into the feelings of his spouse and others are included. His books will not only help someone trapped in sexual addiction but provide extraordinary understanding to the family member. His books are available at cedarfort.com, desertbook.com and amazon.com 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. The Worth of A Soul Great Shall be Your Joy Conquering Your Own Goliaths In the Arms of His Love Putting on the Armor of God
Without Offense: The Art of Giving and Receiving Criticism by Dr. John L. Lund.
The author has received a Doctor of Education and because of his research in interpersonal relationships and communication, Dr. Lund has been able to serve both the business world as a consultant in "Improving Communications" and the private sector as a family counselor. In Idaho he was licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist. In this important volume, Dr. John L. Lund presents, in a direct and sincere manner, steps we can take to change our approach to giving and receiving criticism as disciples of Jesus Christ. Dr. Lund tells how we can lead ourselves and others toward positive change without falling into unrighteous traps like judgment and contention. He also shows how to recognize common forms of inappropriate criticism like sarcasm and excessive direction giving and how to recognize those times when criticism is appropriate and necessary. Without Offense: The Art of Giving and Receiving Criticism will teach you how to thoughtfully give and receive criticism without offending the Holy Spirit or one another. Available at deseretbook.com and at amazon.com.
Lord, I Believe, Help Thou Mine Unbelief by Rod W. Jeppsen.
This book is for a family member who is trying to deal with the discovery that their loved one is viewing pornography or engaged in other compulsive behaviors. How can the wife deal with her pain once she learns that her husband is addicted to pornography? This book takes you on a healing journey as you walk through the hurt, resentment and anger created by your loved one's choices. You will find encouragement from others who have traveled down this lonely road and discover what they have done to make healthily choices and begin the healing process. Available at desertbook.com
Pleasure Unwoven, a personal journey about addiction by Kevin T. McCauley, M. D.
Both the DVD and Study Guide explain that addiction is a disease and not a choice. This is such an obsession for Kevin because the distinction should change how society's perception of an addicted person and more importantly how society reacts to the transgressions of an addicted individual. Available online at www.instituteforaddictionstudy.com
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END-USER LICENSE AGREEMENT

1. All use of any materials in this workbook (Educational Materials) is expressly subject to the terms and conditions of this end-user license (Use License). 2. By your downloading or using the Educational Materials in any way or to any extent, you accept and agree to be bound by and subject to all of the terms and conditions of the End-User License. 3. If you are not willing to comply with the terms and conditions of this End-User License, you are obligated immediately to erase or otherwise destroy all copies of the Educational Materials in your possession. 4. You are permitted to copy these Educational Materials for yourself or for another person only if: The copy is transmitted and received expressly subject to the terms and conditions of this EndUser License. The Educational Materials are kept intact and copied as one whole with exactly the same form and content as the original. The Educational Materials are distributed free of charge. You should refer others to the website, www.healingthroughchrist.org, to download their own copy of the workbook. These Educational Materials may not be sold. 5. The Healing Through Christ Institute, LLC, (the Licensor), reserves the right to revoke the End-User License at any time upon reasonable belief or receipt of evidence that you have breached one or more of the terms and conditions of the End-User License. If you receive notice from the Licensor that the End-User License is revoked, you are obligated to and agree you will immediately cease using and will immediately erase or otherwise destroy all copies of the Educational Materials in your possession. 6. The Educational Materials licensed hereunder are for general educational purposes only. None of the Educational Materials are intended to be, nor are they made available as, any form of medical, psychiatric or therapeutic diagnosis or treatment of any kind. These Educational Materials are not intended as a substitute for consultation with a duly licensed counselor, therapist, medical doctor, psychiatrist, or other professional. Licensor highly recommends retaining and using one or more of such professionals when using the Educational Materials. By downloading or using the Educational Materials, you acknowledge and agree that you use them solely at your own risk and that you solely and exclusively assume any and all liability associated with such use. These Educational Materials are provided to you AS IS without any warranties of any kind, express, implied or statutory. You agree that you bear all risks associated with the evaluation and use of these Educational Materials, including but not limited to your reliance on the accuracy, completeness and usefulness of its content. To the fullest extent permissible under applicable law, licensor disclaims all warranties with respect to the Educational Materials, including the warranties of merchantability, fitness for a particular purpose and title. Licensor will not be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, consequential, special, exemplary or punitive damages of any kind under contract, negligence, strict liability or other theory, including but not limited to damages for loss of profits, use, data or other intangibles, even if licensor had been advised in advance of the possibility of such damages, that may result from your use of these Educational Materials. By downloading or using the Educational Materials in any way or to any extent, you agree to defend, indemnify, save and hold harmless licensor, its employees, owners, members, agents and representatives against all losses and damages, including without limit reasonable attorneys fees, incurred and that arise out of any downloading or use of the Educational Materials by you or anyone to whom you have copied the Educational Materials.
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CHRI T S

Help, Hope and Healing

preface healing through christ a unique workbook

Who compiled the workbook?

Sharing this workbook with others

the twelve steps of alcoholics anonymous

the twelve steps for family members

(please read before beginning the workbook)

Why do family members need a workbook?

How can we find the solutions we need?

What are we feeling?

What is the focus of the Twelve Steps?

(please read before beginning the workbook)

How will this workbook help me?

Family members share:

We will find healing and recovery

understanding the principles of the step

Admitting we are powerless

How our lives become unmanageable

how to apply the principles of the step

Choosing to take care of ourselves

Identify negative emotions

Shock and confusion

Resolution and Acceptance

Other examples of denial

Understanding and respecting agency

Controlling and Manipulating

Guilt and shame

Worry and fear

the promise of step one

working the step

Taking charge of my health

Fighting my personal battle

Recognize the adversarys influence

The Wolf Parable

Step One inventory

I choose to avoid controlling others

Letting go and allowing consequences

The disease of addiction

Opportunities for growth and learning

Trials stimulate my growth and understanding

family members share their faith and hope

Negative reactions impact the family

Starting my journey to peace

Relief from guilt

understanding the principles of the step

Negative thoughts and emotions are harmful

Hope and Expectations

how to apply the principles of the step

Finding hope and faith in Jesus Christ

Believe in the healing power of the Atonement

Learning to process our negative emotions

Using gratitude as a healing tool

Steps we take to surrender our fearful emotions

Divine dependency replaces codependency

Choosing to have healthy relationships

Set healthy boundaries

Let Go and Let God, Detach with Love

the promise of step two

working the step

The faith of the pioneers

His love helps me daily

never forsake me help me to have courage to face my trials?