Snip by Jamie Packard

12 February 2013

Snip I whizzed out onto South Courtenay Parkway on my Mongoose eager to speak with Kyle when the car struck me. The night was lit by a full moon and the roads were slick with ice, making it hard to get out of the way of a speeding vehicle. I didnt feel much pain on impact, only an incredible immortal force, hurling into my body, as if I were an inconsequential being for slaughter. It was like being body-slammed by a monstrous wave on my surfboard, only to be sucked down into the undertow and pulverized onto the coral reef below, left there for the sharks and sea worms to dispose of. My body rolled off the hood of the Corvette, tumbling over the roof and falling onto the ice with a sickening thud, the smell of motor oil and gasoline heavy in my nostrils. It was then that the car skidded to a stop, its windshield cobwebbed in a million broken shards. The red Corvette came to a stop beside the curb and opened its long drivers side door. A patent leather black Doc Martin stepped onto the pavement though he remained in the car. A mans sized boot tapped the road twice, as if making a decision, then slid back into the car and sped away, throwing chunks of glass, ice and pebbles from its rear tires as it fled down the long road, away from me. Come back, I cried, as a bolt of pain rocketed through my body. So there I lay on this lonely suburban street in front of Tommy Taylors house, at the intersection of South Courtenay and Plantation Drive. Tommy wouldnt leave for school for another six hours. I was in trouble. Above me a flashing streetlight hung blinking its red statement upon my face. Here I come to a full stop. A light snow began to fall softly on my cheeks mixing with my tears. Some blood pooled around my head, congealing at my ears and

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Snip by Jamie Packard froze my hair onto the black asphalt. I figured I wasnt getting up when my I saw the sole of my boot lying on my collarbone facing me. It said Made in the China. Nothing seems to be made in American anymore. But, this cant be happening, I thought.

In fourth grade, my friend Kyle got this magic eight ball for his birthday. He kept it besides his bed in case to troubles. It was chipped and scratched up from all the times we used it to play Rundown when no other ball was found. We often played baseball in Tommys

backyard. He lived just behind me besides Lake Timmons. Wed skinny-dip in the summer. Thats where we lost our balls. Last year, after a kid at Jefferson Junior High School died from an asthma attack, I got scared for my own life, so Kyle, in his wisdom, picked up the Magic 8 Ball and asked it if I would live a long life. Sources Say No, the ball said. Kyle shook it again. Dont Count On It. Five more times it gave him the wrong answer again, but he kept shaking it, until from under the dark blue liquid appeared a reluctant triangular It Is Decidedly So. See? he told me with that confident smile. Nothing to worry about. We have all the time in the world. I wasnt convinced. All the time in the world, I thought, as some of my senses gradually left my body, and others began pinging my pain receptors. Bullshit, all the time in the world. I could no longer hear the Callahans Wolfhound telling me off just a mere 30 feet away. I could see him just barelyugly dog. Then he left. Perhaps he went inside the house to get me help. I never thought I was going to die like this. A year ago, I had somehow convinced myself that my death would be meaningful, or at least substantial in the scheme of things; something 3
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Snip like taking a bullet for the President; or holding back Islamic Jihadist in a firefight with my M16. Never like this. This was a back page newspaper death, inconsequential, forgotten before the Sentinel was delivered to our doorstep the next morning. The universe would be ready to move on before my wake. Only my family would notice, I think. They dont read the paper much, Neanderthals is what they are. That is a rather pessimistic view of things, said a voice from the darkness. Suddenly a luminous figure emerged from the cloudy sky, half lit by the glittering street lights and the bright glow a full moon that just poked out. The blood that pooled around my body became insignificant as I faced thisthis magnificent...this what? A kid? Help, I barely uttered, feeling my broken chunks of teeth on my tongue. I was broken. He appeared about my age, 14, maybe younger, wrapped in a shimmering white glow with the most kindly delicate features. His long arms extended out almost in a circular motion, and in one quick movement, majestic wings erupted out from behind him like a protective umbrella blocking the rain that began to fall into my face. He was. Extraordinary. Thanks. The winged angel knelt down, his pug nose mere inches from mine. His breath warmed my face and his bangs brushed my cheeks in gentle wisps. His smell was of crushed cinnamon and Oreo cookies. He spoke in a soft whisper, young and reedy, somewhat timidly. His voice came through the air, like a tentative flower caressing my ears as if from some far away world like Alpha Centauri.

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Snip by Jamie Packard Liam Packard, is it? He knew my name. You are Liam Michael Packard, correct? I hope I didnt get this wrong. Ah Jesus! You are Liam, son to

Michael and Kelly Packard? His fingers brush away my tears and combed through my clump of hair, straightening it out, gently picking out the dried blood and entangled bits of asphalt, bone and flesh. Yeah, its me. What are you doing? I asked. Cleaning your head wound, the boy said. Its a bit messy. I squinted, trying to make out his more delicate, almost perfect features; a network of wrinkles spread across his forehead, telling me he cared; at the corners of his eyes like tiny hands, his lines gave him a concerned look. His lips and cheeks were rosy, and the bangs of his yellow hair stopped just above his eyes. The soft gaze of his blue-flecked eyes remained focused upon me giving me a feeling of calm. From the deepest part of my heart, I sensed who this was. Are you the Angel of Death? He smiled in confirmation, as he continued to work. I coughed a laugh that hurled a spew of bright-oxygenated blood through the cold air, sending ripples of pain through my body as rings of blood undulated darker red beneath me. I always thought youd be scarier with all that hellfire and brimstone my Grandpa spoke of constantly. Honestly, he got on my nerves. Are you in pain? The angel asked. I nodded. It was then that the boy reached out to me placing his hand under my shirt. His soft touch felt warm and tingly on my chest, when suddenly I began to feel a lightness I have never felt before. It was as if gravity no longer applied to me, and my pain diminished entirely. The he removed his hand and brushed aside my hair falling in my eyes. His smiled at me. My 5
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Snip soul filled with joy despite my peculiar posture. He held my cheeks and brushed away my tears, shaking his head no. For some people, I am hellfire, he whispered confidingly. My shape is not a definite thing. Sometimes I am a flower, an orchid or a bead of water; sometimes an animal, a deer or a puppy; sometimes nothing living, but an idea, like peace or love. Whatever the soul needs, I am. To you I am simply a boy. Only you have wings, I said, more as a statement than a question. What do I need? You need a friend, to clean your wounds and ease your pain. He moved in closer, straightening my limbs. Holding my attention, he smiled once more, lightening my worries. There was, after all, some trepidation in my heart. I hadnt lived the best life. I wasnt the best kid...the best son. Close your eyes. You have nothing to fear. I was afraid. Perhaps this would be my last few moments on Earth. But relax, I did. He seemed to have a power over me. There was familiar warmth to his voice that compelled me to listen, to give myself over and let his love sift through my soul, like milk through cheesecloth. I felt him pull me in, and my fear fell away to the side. My hands unclasped and fell loose. I closed my eyes, at peace, as images of my happy family life panned before me. Most people have something holding them back, he said, like a tether on a balloon anchoring them to this world. It could be something material, a person, or persons, or an unfinished goal, a promise unkept. There are many reasons to want to keep living. I feel this in you. What is yours? 6
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Snip by Jamie Packard I smiled just thinking about it. I think its Kyle, I said. The angel stroked my cheek again, so gently I wanted to cry. I want my mom. There. There, he whispered soothingly, tell me about Kyle. I looked at the angel cautiously. It wasnt the time to come-out of the closetespecially when you lay in a pool of your own blood, exsanguinating, only a whisper away from death. Then again, wouldnt God already know? If Im screwed, I'm screwed, right? I met Kyle in third grade. Wait. How am I talking? I cant move. You're communicating with your mind, Liam. Go on. Ive never been a real boy; I want to know, he said as he straightened my legs this time. Tell me more. I was playing on the monkey bars by myself, as usual, when this soccer ball came out of nowhere and hit me in the back of the head, knocking me to the ground. It took me a few blinks to realize just what had happened. Someone came over to see if I was all right; a red-haired kid with a doveshaped scar hanging under his chin. * * *

Are you okay? he asked, looking down at me. At first, I didnt answer. I was too mesmerized by the scar, and its inherent pale color, to register anything. After all, Kyle was deeply tanned by the sun everywhere else. Once the shock wore off, I pointed up and asked him, Whered you get that scar? My brother, He said, smiling. He pushed me off the Jungle Jim. There was all this blood on my face. I had to get stitches. It was yucky. Look at this one, he said, proudly

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Snip directed my attention to a long eight-inch gash running diagonally across his shinbone. Sand shark! I bled like a stuck pig. I never knew anyone who had to gotten so many stitches before, let alone someone who was attacked by a real live shark. I stood up, not bothering to brush the dirt off my butt. Can I touch it? I asked. He held out his leg proudly. The scar felt smooth under my fingers. Like his chin, it felt like pale virgin silk. Wicked! I said in reverent awe. I dont have any cool stitches. The boy picked the ball up off the ground and gave me a measured look. Do you want play with us? he asked. I looked at the ball, and the other boys, waiting out in the field and I started to panic. I was supposed to be the invisible kid, right? You know, the boy who melted into the wallpaper at school. The one you wondered about in the yearbook. I was the ghost haunting the playground. How strange, I thought, to be noticed so suddenly, and find a friend, so easily. I dont know how to play soccer, I said. Thats okay, he said with an easy smile. Come on. Ill show you. So he taught me how to dribble the ball and how to kick it with the side of my foot so I could control where it goes; how to fake-out a defensive men, or better yet; a goalie. I was having fun, enjoying how easy it was to be with this guy. If I messed up hed laugh

encouragingly; if I spoke, hed respond like he really cared and wanted to talk to memuch the opposite of my old school, or my father.

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Snip by Jamie Packard Kyle was my first friend, I told the angel. Its funny. I never liked soccer. The only reason I joined the team was because of him. He had quite an influence over you, Death observed. You excelled. M.V.P. 2010-2012. I was ready to follow him anywhere. Kyle got me my first paper route. * * *

Kyle also gave me my first cigarette. He dragged me to the back alley of our middle school, where the dumpsters hid us from the view of any passerby, looking around paranoid-like, as if at any moment a teacher would pop out of a trashcan and nab us. It was funny watching him. He made me laugh. There was something appealing about his face. I loved looking at him. Why are we back here? I asked. I need to pee. In front of me? Shut up for a sec it crawls back up when you talk, he said, his eyes still darting all over the place. Look what I have. Im afraid to...its not like I dont have one myself. No you nut...this! he taunted, holding out his hand. Its a roll-your-own cigarette. It belonged to my brother. He dropped it this morning. From under his shirtsleeve, he pulled out the thing. He placed it in my hand. Its so small, I whispered. Maybe it was all the movies Id seen, but I always imagined a homemade to be bigger, longer, more...Cheek & Chong-like, elegantly huge, if that makes any sense. What I held it my hand was a small, papery stick that was almost odorless and lighter than air. It may not have been all Id imagined, but still sent shivers of adrenaline through my 9
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Snip arms, my chest, and legs. I was jumping with a surge of holy cow coursing through my veins. I couldnt stay still. I had to piss. My teeth began to chatter in early September while my armpits began to sweat like my hands. My pee shot out of me like a city fire hydrant under pressure. It feels good to be bad, doesnt it? he asked. Howd you know? Ive felt that way my first time. Are you cold? Christ its 90 degrees out. How did you get it? I asked dumbstruck. It fell through his the hole in his pockets. Brad is dense as lead. I was walking behind him, Kyle said with a mischievously wicked grin. The fool doesnt even realize half of Freds Auto Shop know that hes a looser hophead whos loosing his shit right and left. They just follow him and reap the rewards. Hes wasted cum, man. I thumbed the end of the spliff, where it twisted closed like a screw. What do we do now? Hold on, he said. He dug a hot pink colored Bic lighter from the front pocket of his jeans, struck the trigger a few times until a steady flame danced off the tip. Then he told me to hold out the cigarette. I did, and he waved the flame underneath the tip until it began to glow orange. A wisp of smoke rose from the joints mouth. So, who goes first? he asked. You found it, I said, holding the stick out to him. You do it. Chicken. Kyle plucked the spliff from my hand and gingerly placed it between his moist lips. He sucked on it like he was drinking a Frosty through a narrow straw, swallowing down the smoke.

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Snip by Jamie Packard Color fled from his face. In moments, he was on all fours, coughing. Your turn, he said, wiping spit from his lips, holding the roach up to me. Waaait! Thats not no cigarette. That smells funny. Thats a marijuana. Are you going to pussy out? Come on. Here, Ill make it more exciting for you. He took another huge tug on it, and just as quickly he stepped forward. Our lips grazed so tenderly that I completely lost myself, taking in his aroma and sweet taste. I felt myself begin to swell. I held the spliff, and then Kyle to kissed me, exploring my mouth. Instantly his hands went around my back, caressing me, and I was his. Looking down, shyly, I realized that our friendship had taken a new path. He was hard like me and I kissed him, this time without an excuse or fear. Wait, he said, taking another hit. Here. When I reached for the joint, someone cleared his throat behind me. A janitor was standing between the dumpsters, holding a trash bag. He dropped it, took the spliff from my hand. He took a short pull on it, and then crushed it beneath his boot, and said, Come with me. Principal McKelvey looked like he was about to Vesuvius as he lectured us on peer pressure and burnouts, with a hint of annoyance spreading across his face as Kyle kept coughing during his speech. When Kyle threw up on the carpet, I burst out laughing. Mr. McKelvey sighed and said our parents would be informed. The janitor kept our most precious secret. * * *

We got a weeks suspension for that, I said. First time I ever got in so much trouble. It was kind of exciting, almost like I had become a grown-up or something, a cooler kid, maybe. But I wasnt. The next day Arnold Resnicki

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Snip flushed my head in the toilet and locked me inside my locker at last bell. Being cool is just an allusion. Were you angry with Kyle for the trouble he got you into? A little, but he liked me. I shrugged best I could in my position, frozen to the ground. My dad gave me a few bruises for the principals phone call. Mom just watched him hit me. I never told Kyle what my parents did. I guess I figured the pain was worth it, just to be his friend. I smiled ruefully. Is that as pathetic or what? Death shook his head. Liam, at this point, there is no such thing as pathetic, or stupid, or sinful, right or wrong. Jesus paid that price. There is only what was, and that is something no word can describe. Everyones past is so specific, and so peculiar and unique; there are no standards to set your life by. You were suspended from school, your father beat you, and you got your first kiss, you moved on, and thats all there is to it. Simple as that? I laughed in between coughs. Am going to hell? No. Somehow you mortals got it all wrong, despite being given a

guidebook. Gods message is about love, its as simple as that. There is no hell. There is no purgatory, or eternal damnation. God isnt about negative energy. He smiled with such warmth it made me feel as though I were in a cradle again.

Please continue, he asked. * * *

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Snip by Jamie Packard During our suspension from school, Kyle and I played soccer nonstop. Living in this penny-ante-town there was nothing else to do but play soccer, fish, and learn about each other. There was a wide field out behind the pool, completely flattened as if run over by a pack Brontosauruses'. Wed play there for hours, only stopping when our legs went numb and we were out of breathe, then wed sneak into the pool. Time slowed down that week. We were isolated, like in an air bubble floating in the middle of the ocean. That isolation from all our responsibilities had a weird affect on Kyle. Hed get this far away look in his eyes at the far end of the pool, and have really deep conversations. What if talks. I never met anyone like him. I began to fall in love. Wed dry off, admiring each other, and put on our clothes back on. He would start talking about the future. Do you know what you want to do after graduation? he asked me. From high school? No, I said, caught off guard by the question, after all ninth grade was years away. Why? Do you? Kind of. He balanced the ball on his head. I want to get out of here, go somewhere far away playing in the professional leagues. Imagine, Manchester United! You should go to college and be a writer, like you said you want. How far away? England. England?! You've never been off the island! You got a good chance, Liam. You got to do it. You got all those stories stuck into you head. Its like God is saying: This is what we got for you kid. Try not to loose it. But kids loose everything unless theres someone looking out for them. Id like to be your friend, Liam, that person who looks out for you. Youre parents never will. Its you and me. 13
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Snip There was a long moment of silence then. Kyle held my hand. I leaned in and we kissed. Then he smiled and shrugged. Anyway, youre going to think Im nuts when I say this, but sometimes, when I wake up early in the morning, just before the sun is about to rise. I get this feeling in my chest, this thump, thump, thump, like a bongo drum. Its as if my heart is telling me Im meant to do something big, like...walk on Mars, or save an orphanage...world peace! You sure it wasnt heartburn from the donuts? I asked. Blow me, he said with his usual confidence. I have big plans, Liam. The last thing I want is to be is stuck here in Nowhere, U.S.A., with stupid tourist. All I have to do is find a way out. Youll help me, right? He said, eyeing me questioningly. I punched him in the arm. You go. I go. He messed up my hair and laughed. Come on. * * *

Its weird, I said to Death, You think youre going to be someones friend forever, but at the same time you know nothing lasts. Its like Robert Frost said:

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Snip by Jamie Packard Natures first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold. Her early leafs a flower; But only so an hour. Then leaf subsides to leaf So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down today. Nothing gold can stay. Its this contradiction in your mind that you know exists, but you dont really acknowledge it, hoping that youll be the exception. But, everything ends, no matter what. Our friendship was no different. The cracks appeared in the strangest places. We were playing with some other guys from school in Hamilton Park when this group of high school girls sat down on the bleachers and started whistling at us. One of them winked at me and giggled. Some of the guys waved or hollered back, but I kept my head down and continued playing. Kyle did too, but I could tell he was distracted. A week later, he came into my bedroom, smiling this bizarre smile, like he wasnt sure why he was smiling. He pulled a magazine out of his backpack, a Playboy. * * *

Found it under my dads bed, he said. We flipped through it together on the floor, staring at the dozens of naked girls smiling back at us, their breast popping out of the pages and etched into our brains. Kyles face got closer and closer to the magazine with every turn of the page. He started to get a bit excited, if you know what I mean. I pretended not to notice, instead, staring intently at one of the models dark nipples, sitting besides my science book, wondering when I was going to get it. I began to think there 15
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Snip was something wrong with me, really wrong. I was disgusted. Whats wrong with me, I wondered. I began to hate myself. I even thought about suicide. I know, he said.

The moment I got it came a few weeks later. In the locker room, as Kyle talked to his other friend named, Charlie, about some girls in their World History class, my eyes began to wander down the aisle to the locker room where a swimmer I didnt know, was undressing. He was my age. He unbuttoned his flannel shirt, all the way down, revealing his smooth, rippled stomach. I watched in a mesmerized curiosity as his fingers wrapped around the slender waist of his shorts and pulled down. Whoa! A fire ignited in my heart, causing my blood to boil, my breath to quicken, and all I could think about was what it would feel likeand then it happen, in my pants. Uggghh! * Christ! Oh, Lord, am I sorry. * * I am going

And you an angel n all!

straight to hell, I said. Theres no doubt about it. I told you, Liam, there is no hell. There is no hell or purgatory, sorry to disappoint you. There is only understanding and love. A deeper love than what is possible by human beings. When we leave, you will no longer think about sexual desires or have yearnings of a carnal nature, youll be changed into spirit. Thats why this is such an education for me. It helps me

understand the earthly world better. Humans carry so much guilt, Liam. But you, you carry sorrow also. Why? Tell me, I want to learn more. * 16 * *
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Snip by Jamie Packard The confusion made me nauseas like there was some small crazed animal, clawing its way out of my stomach. I didnt understand these new feelings of mine, or the conflict I was having. My feelings scared me. I dont want them. I didnt want them. No one wants to be hated by the world. I felt happy one moment and revolted the next. I felt like I was loosing my mind. That was when Kyles hand slapped the back of my head. Were you listening at all? he asked. When I didnt respond, he put his hand on my shoulder. Hey, are you all right? It was simple touch. Hed touched my shoulder before. But it was different now, almost like he was trespassing on sacred ground. I needed to get away from him. It was too close. Sin. Everybody would know. And then I popped the boner. Hey everybody, yelled some jock, Liam popping a boner. Faggot Alert! Dont touch me, I yelled, shoving him into the wall of lockers. All the locks trembled under the force of his body. Someone started chanting FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, and others crowded around. Where they all came from, so suddenly, Ill never know. Kyle looked like I had kicked him in the balls. What did I do? he asked. I opened my mouth to tell him exactly what he did, only to realize he didnt do anything. It was all me. Over sensitive, care-to-much-about-what-other-people-think, me. Before I could apologize, someone shoved me toward him. I probably looked menacing. Kyle threw his fist into my face without any hesitation. Shaking off the pain, I jumped onto him, punching at his sides, kicking at him with my knees. The cheers were deafening as we wrestled on the bleached locker room floor, all the while, I kept thinking about how close our bodies were and how I was hurting the one person I loved the most. 17
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Snip * * *

It took a few minutes for a teacher to come and break us up. That was a strange day. Do you still have feelings for Kyle? Asked the angel. No, I said. I mean, not really. Sort of. Its complicated, I Then I smiled, perhaps because I didnt know what else to do. It doesnt matter. We started to drift apart after that fight. He got a girlfriend too last year. Laura McNally. Shes captain of the girls swim team, really pretty. Are they a good match for each other? Asked Death. So good, in fact, that Kyle realized he didnt need me anymore. She was better at soccer than I was, funnier, smarter...prettier. woman he was waiting for. I swallowed a particularly large wad of spit tasted like blood. I shivered. Will you warm me up some? Im cold. Sure, he said. Just that quickly I felt a warm glow come over me. Its amazing how focused you are when you are dying on a lonely road. Suddenly the stars became bright. I could instantly recall the names of all the constellations as I spotted meteors streak across the night sky. Ive seen Kyle maybe three times this year. When was the last time you saw him? Death asked. Two days ago. Sexy. The

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Snip by Jamie Packard * * *

He called me. He said he wanted to talk. I met him in the convenience store he worked at, people walking in and out, some saying, hi, others keeping their head down the entire time while they passed their magazines and sodas under the laser. At one point in the night,

customers stopped coming in, and it was only he and I. He said nothing at first, only began to clean up the store, sweeping some trash off the floor and straightening out the soup cans and end caps, thats their specials. This week its a pyramid of Tiny Moore Roast Beef Soup. I helped him hang the posters. He spoke as he finished counting the money in the register. I cant take it anymore, he whispered. Its too much. What are you talking about? I asked. Whats too much? Kyle flicked some switches behind the Slushie machine. Then he sat on the counter. I took a seat beside him as all the lights in the store shut off systematically, except for the one directly above us, creating a halo of light. A veil of shadow covered his eyes as he spoke. I feel like Im living someone elses life, someone a lot older than I am. Someone who knows more, someone whos more I dont know the word. Capable? I cant handle it. I could hear the air conditioning shut off with a hum, and then a ting, ting, ting, as the blades of some fan came to rest against a shard of tin, leaving only Kyles voice occupying the lonely store air. He leaned over the counter to grab a Slim Jim, barbecue flavor, I think. Then he took a swig from my Coke. We still had a kind on intimacy, I guess. He leaned heavily into me. I felt his heat. I am such a sucker for boys with dark hair and green eyes. Lauras pregnant, he said, lighting a cigarette, his hand trembling. Why didnt I stay with you? Huh? I said, Is she going to keep it? 19
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Snip WAIT. What did he just say? WTF? Im confused, Liam. What do I do now? I shrugged. He had my brain spinning. I've been waiting years to hear that. You know what to do, I said. Never before had I seen him look so lost. Kyle: the risk-taker. Kyle the one with all the answers. Kyle, the happiest kid in the world. At this moment he seemed like the loneliest boy in the world. But we werent boys now. Were juniors for Christs sake! I know better. He should too. My heart ached for him. I patted his shoulder, unsure how to comfort him. Itll be okay, I said. Then he started to cry. Its not fair, he sobbed, his trembling hands pressing up against his eyes. Why me? Im only seventeen. This isnt supposed to happen! Not on your first time! We were only having fun, thats all. It was just supposed to be sex...thats all. You know, a release. Im not ready. Im not fucking ready to be a father. What do I do? And shes Catholic! I tried to feel sorry for him. But then, I realized what a moron he was. He cried for a while. I just sat there, wishing I knew what to say so that he would feel better. Moron or not, I still loved him. Whyd he disregard basic biology 101? Duh! Even I know if you make love with a girl, and stuff comes out.... Its not hard. This is what my dad was talking about. Christ! Why'd he have to fuck up? Kyle wiped his face against my sleeve and jumped off the counter. A manic smile broke across his face. He walked up to me pressing my back against the Pepsi cooler and kissed me hard. On my lips he left a hundred questions. Lets get out of here, he said.

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Snip by Jamie Packard And go where? I asked, a little unnerved by the crazed look in his eye. This feeling stayed with me a while, like the salty taste of stupidity that hung on my tongue posing as a hooded executioner. I wasnt sure I wanted to be with him. "This is no Etch o' Sketch, Kyle. You can't just shake it to make it go away." He ignored me. A few moments passed. I had enough, And go where, Kyle? Anywhere. His voice grew more excited with every word. We can take my moms station wagon, pack up all our junk, and keep driving till we hit the coast. Never come back. What will we do on the coast, become Cabana Boys? What about Heather? Whyd I get involved with her? No one likes girls named Heather, theyre all bitchy slags. I hung my head. Who is this guy, I wondered, waiting for him to redeem himself quickly. Oh shit, Liam. Come with me. If shes a slut Kyle, what's that make you? I stared at him. Grow up! I never thought Id love someone who would run from his problems. "Let's go to Europe, Dude! We always said we wanted to. I got the money." Sure, but what about the baby? I asked. Kyle just stared at the sky, not hearing me. Hey, maybe we can take a boat and sail out to sea. We can assume new identities, become completely different people. You know Spanish? Pirrates adolescentes? I suggested in Spanish. I like it. I like it a lot, he said, snapping his fingers. But why stop there? A whole world is out there. We can sail to Paris and become mimes on the street.

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Snip Paris isnt near the sea. Its land locked. Are we going to do this while moonlighting as deadbeat dad and asshole friend? Nothing. And whoa, the local girls with their foreign ways, Kyle said with a wink. More action than you can imagine. I grinned. Im GAY asshole. What are we going to do, take all that we can get and screw the ones we loved? Were better than that, Kyle. Arent we? No responsibilities, he said. No responsibilities at all? I echoed. I bit my lip. Sounds ridiculous. It does, doesnt it? Shadows dripped down Kyles face like a black paw. It could be so easy. All wed have to do is get in the car and drive and loose our souls. He walked back to the counter and sat beside me, his right hand fumbling with his pink lighter, striking the trigger a few times before letting it go. From his mouth he made a long slow sigh, the kind summoned from the lowest regions of his troubled heart. I dont even love her. I nodded. You will love your child together. Youre right. Thats why I love you. You always do the right thing. Why do you always have a pink lighter, Kyle? Because I cant tell my father. Its okay to be gay. Im stuck here, arent I? he asked in a whisper. "Playing the role of Pretender." We sat under the lights in silence, neither of us knowing what to say next.

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Snip by Jamie Packard Eventually, Kyle said he was tired and that he had a test tomorrow and then slipped off the counter and switched off the last light. As we disappeared into total darkness, I wanted to say something to him, words of comfort maybe; or even a simple Im here for you to let him know he wasnt alone. But when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. I have to face up to this, he said through the darkness. I had nothing to say. * * *

Didnt even say goodbye, I said under the flickering streetlight, a strange ache weight in my chest. Yesterday, Id been going over and over in my mind the things I couldve said to himshouldve said to him, but nothing sounded right. It never does, Death said. Were you were on your way to see him tonight? I nodded. What were you going to say? I was gonna tell him that as long as he was stuck in this town, Id be stuck too... that Id always be here for him, no matter what, because I love him. A long, bitter laugh flew out my mouth into the frosty smoke of air. Now that sounded pathetic, doesnt it? No, Death said simply. emotions. I cried. Not at all, its love. Its the most powerful of

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Snip

Death raised his hands into the air and summoned forth all my memories of Kyle. The memories flitted around the, hovering above, like fireflies, pulsing with a soft glow, some dimmer than others, being older memories. All the images circling each other in confused spirals, linked together for eternity. I smiled at them all; Kyle and I at Boy Scouts Camp; together on the first day of Middle School; summer time sleeping together in our makeshift tent; dinner with the folks, holding hands under the table. It went on and on. So many memories. So much love. Death pushed his hands toward each other, squishing the memories together until they were nothing more than a single strand of golden luminescence, the length of my entire body. It glinted orange in the darkness. He smiled at me with the strand beginning in his hands. This is Kyles thread, he said. This is the tether holding you to this world and away from the love of your family in heaven, the only tie. Some people have dozens. You have one. From beneath his cloak, he took out a pair of bright shiny scissors, snapped them a few times to make sure they operated properly, and placed them in my hand. No one can cut this string but you. He laid the string out between the blades of the scissors and then stood back, watching, waiting for me, to cut my lifeline. Is this it? I asked, more to myself than him, my voice trembling like a violin string. I cut this string and I... is this really it? Im dead? Death placed his hand on my chest again.

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Snip by Jamie Packard Its not very satisfying, is it? You expect more, I know. But, the world that stands before you, well that is immense. your human mind can conceive. This is really it, then? Nothing more? I asked, as thought of my mother made me sad. I shook my head as a tear fell down my cheek. Nothing. And its not fair? Never seems so, he said. And you wish it could be any other day but today? Of course, thats life. He smiled at me with those kind blue eyes, and every sound on earth seemed to go silent, as if the universe were holding its breath. I paused. Cut the string, he whispered, its time to go. Youre ready. His hands clasped over mine, and I squeezed the handle of the scissors. As the blades dug into the string the streetlight stopped flickering, letting the darkness settle in. It was then I remembered something, a fragment of a memory from long ago. The memory rushed over me like a revelation, pumping what adrenaline I had left in my broken body, and despite everything, I found myself smiling. * * * Its more spectacular than

Sweet Jesus, youre heavy, Kyle groaned. It was our tenth birthday and Kyle pushed the shopping cart up the hill. Since I had won rock-paper-scissors, I got to ride in the basket, and was painfully aware of how slow we were traveling, grinding slowly up the river of street lights and candles in windows, the smell of BBQ ribs caught on the ocean breeze. 25
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Snip I can walk faster than this, I complained. Sweat was pouring down Kyles face, his arms straining to keep me going. Ive never wanted to punch someone as badly as I do you right now. You look hot. Will it help if I fan you? I waved my hands. Here, does this help? Thanks, he said, laughing. That helps a lot, asshole. It took another ten minutes to reach the top of the hill. Kyle caught his breath, and then jumped into the cart with me. We peered forward. The road ahead was steep. Chances were the cart would flip before we reached the end. There were dangers on all sides. We could die. So whose bright idea was this again? I asked. Probably mine, he murmured. He shifted his body weight, and the cart edged forward and down the hill. You know, I said, panic creeping into my voice, now that were up here, looking down from the drop, I gotta say... Im a little scared. Now you tell me. Kyle turned to me with a look of mischievous affection. Why are you scared? Im here. Buds forever.

Snip.

The End

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Snip by Jamie Packard

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