Research Paper Assessment

Name: Trish Brooks Date: March 30, 2012 Student ID:265969 Email: trishbrooks@sympatico.ca

Word Count: 1959 (plus Appendices, References)

Abstract:
Forgiveness is a powerful coaching tool that is often underutilized. When people are wronged they may be reluctant to offer forgiveness because of misconceptions that they hold. For example, many people believe that when you forgive someone you are condoning their behavior, or you are demonstrating weakness. However, not forgiving can leave a person with negative feelings such as anger and resentment as well as physical problems such as heart disease. Coaching can help a person reach a new understanding about the nature of forgiveness and its benefits. Forgiveness can reduce anger, depression and stress and leads to feelings of hope, peace, compassion as well as physical health.

Forgiveness as a Coaching Tool

Forgiveness as a Coaching Tool

Statement: Forgiveness is a powerful (potentially underutilized) coaching tool for moving a client forward. What is forgiveness? Forgiveness is the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. (Wikipedia, 2012). Psychological and Physiological Effects of Holding a Grievance The inability to forgive someone can have negative physiological and psychological consequences. Most people are very familiar with the psychological effects of anger, resentment, anxiety, depression, lower self esteem, increased cynicism, and feelings of hopelessness. "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for it to kill your enemy." Nelson Mandela. "Hate is like an acid. It destroys the vessel in which it is stored." Andrew Carnegie (1890). What is less known is that there are physiological effects of holding onto a grudge such as rising blood pressure, surging adrenaline, and rising levels of cholesterol in the blood. In 2011 fortyfour studies were published in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology1 that found a link between negative emotions and heart disease. Chronically angry adults with no history of heart trouble were 19% more likely to develop heart disease than their less angry peers. Forgiveness can improve psychological and physical health. Research from the Mayo Clinic (2011) found that forgiveness lowered blood pressure, decreased symptoms of depression, and was associated with lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse. A study (Luskin et al, 2001) found a relationship between reviewing hurtful memories and measures of the stress response (increased heart rate, blood pressure). When participants were encouraged to think of forgiving thoughts, the stress response was diminished. A study of 108 college students (Luskin, 2004) found similar results. These are just two of many studies that have found emotional and physical benefits of forgiveness.

Why is it so hard to forgive? If anger and resentment have such negative consequences, and forgiveness has such positive outcomes, why dont people forgive? One reason is that people hold beliefs that stop
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See article for details: http://www.webmd.com/balance/stress-management/features/how-angerhurts-your-heart?page=2

Trish Brooks (ID: 265969)

Forgiveness as a Coaching Tool

forgiveness from happening. Coaching can bring awareness to these beliefs and make it possible for the client to forgive. Some of the beliefs/statements that get in the way of forgiveness are: He doesnt deserve to be forgiven. Forgiveness is not acceptance of wrong behavior. Nothing requires a person to trust the perpetrator. However, the client deserves to be free of this negativity. Forgiveness is something done for oneself, not for the other person. Forgiveness restores power to the person that was wronged. If I forgive it means I condone what the person has done. This is the greatest misconception about forgiveness. In fact, a person must forgive what they know is wrong. Forgiveness is a weakness. (Hamilton, 2001), reporting on Thoresons research, found that to some men "forgiveness" was a feminine thing to do. Holding a grudge however was seen as something that could and probably should be addressed. When coaching it may be useful in some cirsumstances to talk about not holding a grudge, rather than forgiving an offense. "It takes much more courage, strength of character, and inner conviction to forgive than it does to hang on to low-energy feelings." Wayne Dyer I have no choice look what they did to me. To withhold forgiveness is to choose to continue to remain the victim. Response-ability means there is a choice. "When you choose to give too much space to that which has hurt you, what you're shutting out is your own ability to feel love and joy," Hamilton (2001) Are there some things you cant forgive? Anything can be forgiven because forgiveness is not about the other person; it is about bringing peace to oneself. People have forgiven the most horrific acts imaginable. For example, it would seem difficult to forgive someone who murdered your child. However, a Google search on that topic will reveal many stories of people that have done just that. Katy Hutchison describes how she forgave her husbands murder in her book Walking After Midnight. Individuals who believe that certain acts cannot be forgiven are usually holding on to some mistaken beliefs about forgiveness. Once those beliefs are changed, then the peace that follows from forgiveness is possible. How do you forgive? Forgiveness is a process that often takes time, and is not simply a quick statement of I forgive. There are many published forgiveness processes, such as Enrights process shown in Appendix A. Luskins (2001) 9-step process follows: 1. Acknowledge how you feel about what happened and that the situation is not OK. Share your experience, and your feelings, with one or two trusted people. 2. Understand that forgiveness is a process that can make you feel better. Commitment to feel better and to forgive. Trish Brooks (ID: 265969) 3

Forgiveness as a Coaching Tool

3. Understand that forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. 4. Change your perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your current distress is coming from the hurt feelings and thoughts that you are having now, not what originally offended you two minutes, or five years, ago. Realize you can choose a different response than hurt. 5. If the hurt recurs, practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your bodys flight or fight response. Several deep breaths can be very effective. 6. Give up expecting things from other people that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the unenforceable rules you have for how others should behave, and lighten up on them. 7. Stop mentally replaying your hurt and seek. Find positive ways to channel your energy. 8. Instead of focusing on wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness resources personal power. 9. Instead of retelling your grievance story, tell the story about your choice to forgive, and the power and peace it has restored to you. Self-forgiveness We are all imperfect, and there will be times when we make mistakes. We tend to be our own toughest critics. Often people do not realize that the person they need to forgive is themselves. When you forgive yourself you let go of blame, shame, guilt and fear. Self forgiveness is not difficult to master. Simply think about the things that have been said or done to cause pain and hurt. Accept that the deed is done and it cannot be undone. Find a solution if necessary, or if it cannot be rectified then let it go because the past cannot be changed.

Application to Coaching
Forgiveness is one tool that may help a client move forward. A coach can be a supportive and trusting ear for the client to share the feelings around the grievance; the coach can uncover underlying beliefs that are blocking the possibility of forgiveness; the coach and client can generate new perspectives to view the grievance and help the client find new ways how to move forward. Many people are not practicing forgiveness because of their misunderstandings or lack of process around it. Yet forgiveness may be the action that is necessary for a person to have greater fulfillment, happiness, or peace. This makes forgiveness an ideal tool for coaching when it fits the clients agenda. Fulfillment coaching: There may be a gap between todays suffering, and the desired state of peace or fulfillment. Forgiveness may be one way to bridge that gap, and step towards what the client really wants. Underlying beliefs and building awareness: In the first section some of the beliefs that block forgiveness were discussed. The most common ones are: He doesnt deserve to be forgiven. If I forgive it means I condone what the person has done. Forgiveness is a weakness. Trish Brooks (ID: 265969) 4

Forgiveness as a Coaching Tool

I have no choice look what he/she did to me. How can I respond any other way?

It will be difficult for someone to forgive if they are holding these beliefs. The coach has a role in exploring underlying beliefs, and helping the client release them. Powerful questions: Following are some powerful questions that can allow venting, help build awareness and discover underlying beliefs, encourage responsibility, and allow forgiveness to be one perspective for moving forward. What feelings do you have about this situation, and the person who wronged you? What do you think you could do so that you will be released from these negative, recurring feelings? What benefit do you get from holding on to this grudge? Do you think you have a choice whether or not to hold onto these negative feelings? What does forgiveness mean to you? Have you ever forgiven someone in the past? What was that experience like for you? If you forgive this person, does that mean you condone their behaviour? What is the bad/good thing that will happen if you forgive this person? What is in the way of forgiving this person? If you were 1% responsible for part of this problem, what would that 1% be? Do you see forgiveness as an act of strength, or an act of weakness? Who does forgiveness benefit you or the other person? Do you think you have to like a person after you forgive them? What would a benefit of forgiveness be? What would be a first step you could take towards forgiving this person?

Power tools, and building different perspectives Responsibility versus blame: Blaming is victim behaviour, and forgiveness is an act of responsibility. Forgiveness is a choice. When someone says, "I can't forgive that person," what you're really saying is, "I'm choosing not to forgive that person." Helping a person see that forgiveness is an act of responsibility may help move them towards forgiveness. Responding versus reacting: Responding with anger and resentment to the actions of others can be a reactive choice. Forgiveness is a powerful, courageous action. Change perspective: There are very few things that are 100% bad, and as they say, every cloud has a silver lining. What good things emerged as a result of this grievance? Was there a change in the client because of this? For example, often dealing with a hardship increases selfconfidence, and decreases fear about handling difficult situations. Acknowledgement, celebration: When a client makes a small step towards forgiveness that act can be acknowledged. Forgiveness can be a long process, so it is good to acknowledge the small steps along the path. For example, if someone has a new realization that forgiveness is for themselves and not the other person, that can be a point of acknowledgement.

Trish Brooks (ID: 265969)

Forgiveness as a Coaching Tool

Coaching agenda Getting the client to forgive someone must never be the agenda of the coach. The client may not be ready for forgiveness, or may not want forgiveness as the solution to the hurt and pain they are feeling. Coaching around forgiveness is only an option if it is the clients agenda. The coach must always hold the clients agenda. Resources Appendix B contains a list of websites, books, organizations, on-line courses, stories, exercises and worksheets that can support the coaching process.

Conclusion
Forgiveness is a powerful coaching tool that is often underutilized. If forgiveness fits within the clients agenda, a coach can be a supportive and trusting ear for the client to share the feelings around the grievance; the coach can uncover underlying beliefs that are blocking the possibility of forgiveness; the coach and client can generate new perspectives to view the grievance and help the client find new ways how to move past the grievance. Forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, depression and stress and leads to feelings of hope, peace, and compassion as well as improve physical health.

Trish Brooks (ID: 265969)

Forgiveness as a Coaching Tool

Appendix A: Process of Forgiveness

Enright, R. (2001). http://www.internationalforgiveness.com/data/uploaded/files/EnrightForgivenessProcessModel.pdf or Enright, R. (2001) Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-By-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope. Washington, D.C.: APA Life Tools Through his research, Enright has developed a 20 step process of interpersonal forgiving. The four larger phases of this 20-step process, copied directly from the web-site above, are shown below: Uncovering Phase Acknowledge the pain and hurt. Let your emotions out with someone you trust. When someone listens to you the pain is more bearable, and it allows you to vent the emotions. As the feelings are brought into the open healing can begin to occur. a. Decision Phase The individual now realizes that focussing on the injury and the injurer will lead to more suffering. The decision is made to focus on the healing rather than the hurt. Change must occur, and forgiveness is seen as a potential step towards healing. There is awareness about the idea of forgiveness is in awareness, and this idea is explored. At this stage it is important for the individual to let go of thoughts, feelings, or intentions of revenge. In fact the best revenge is to live a happy and successful life. Look for the hook is that is holding you back. What is it about the misdeed that is causing you to hold on to your anger and resentment.

b. Work Phase The active work of forgiving the injurer begins. o The individual may try to see things in a different perspective. For example, maybe the injurer had a difficult childhood, or event, that contributed to the circumstances. This does not imply that reconciliation takes place, but just that new ways of thinking are introduced. Empathy and compassion toward the offender may be possible. The individual also accepts the pain that resulted from the actions of the injurer, bears the pain, and chooses not to pass it on to others, including the injurer. Life is very complex, and there are very few things that are 100% bad. What good things emerged as a result of this injury? Change perspective and consider what positive things resulted from this. Was there a change in you? Thoughts are about the future, and about the person the individual wants to become.

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Outcome/Deepening Phase The forgiving individual realizes that he/she is gaining emotional relief from the forgiving his/her injurer. The forgiving individual may also see some meaning in what happened some personal growth or change. The combination of emotional relief and new meaning may lead to increased compassion for others. Thus, the forgiver discovers the paradox of forgiveness: as we give to others the gifts of mercy, generosity, and moral love, we ourselves are healed.

Trish Brooks (ID: 265969)

Forgiveness as a Coaching Tool

Appendix B: Resources Self-forgiveness Exercises http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/a-guide-to-happiness-via-self-forgiveness/ Forgiveness Worksheets and downloads http://www.radicalforgiveness.com/contentnew/downloads.html On-line course http://stanfordhospital.org/clinicsmedServices/clinics/complementaryMedicine/scimForegiveness .html Forgiveness Stories CBC episode on Forgiveness: People telling stories about things they have forgiven. www.cbc.ca/dnto/episode/2010/02/22/listen-to-dnto-feb-20-forgiveness Hutchison, K. (2006). Walking After Midnight: One Woman's Journey Through Murder, Justice and Forgiveness . Canada: Raincoast Books. Websites http://www.forgiving.org/campaign/research.asp http://learningtoforgive.com/ http://www.thepowerofforgiveness.com Organizations The Stanford Forgiveness Project International Forgiveness Institute: http://www.internationalforgiveness.com/ Books Luskin, F. M. (2001). Forgive for good: A proven prescription for health and happiness. San Francisco: Harper. Marcus, G. (2010). The Power of Forgiveness. Sapients.Net Tipping, C. (2010) Radical Forgiveness: A Revolutionary Five Stage Process. Colorado: Sounds True, Inc.

Trish Brooks (ID: 265969)

Forgiveness as a Coaching Tool

References
Enright, R. (2001) Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-By-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope. Washington, D.C.: APA Life Tools

Hamilton, J. (2001, May/June). Peace Work. Retrieved from Stanford Magazine: www.stanfordalumni.org/news/magazine/2001/mayjun/features/forgiveness.html Hutchison, K. (2006). Walking After Midnight: One Woman's Journey Through Murder, Justice and Forgiveness. Canada: Raincoast Books. Luskin, F. M. (2001). Forgive for good: A proven prescription for health and happiness. San Francisco: Harper. Or http://learningtoforgive.com/9-steps/ Luskin, F. M. (2004). The effect of forgiveness training on physical and emotional well-being. In M. Schlitz, T. Amorak, & M. Micozzi (Eds.), Consciousness and healing: Integral approaches to mind body medicine. New York: CV Mosby. Luskin, F.M., Thoresen, C., Harris, A., Standard, S., Benisovich, S., Bruning J., & Evans, S. (2001). Effects of group forgiveness intervention on perceived stress, state and trait anger, self reported health, symptoms of stress and forgiveness. Alternative Therapies in Health and Medicine, 7, 106. Mayo Clinic Staff (2001). Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness. Retrieved from Mayo Clinic: www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131

Trish Brooks (ID: 265969)