Power Tool Assessment

Name: Johanne Allaire Date: July 15, 2012 Student ID: Email: jallaire@graybridgemalkam.com

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Authenticity vs. Denial

How many people spend their day dreaming it away counting the days until the weekend? Or, playing the what if game what if I were richer, taller, shorter, slimmer, fitter, in a relationship, or retired I would be happy. It begs the question. Are you living authentically or in denial?

What is authenticity?
Merriam-Websters dictionary defines authenticity as being true to ones personality, spirit or character. Living authentically means living to your beliefs and values. You allow yourself to choose to live the life that you want.

According to Dr. Caroline Adrienne, author of the book The Purpose of your Life, a person living authentically will display the following characteristics:

Feels optimistic Is honest and open Commits but is flexible Thinks for himself Goes with the flow Open to change Wants to do her best Knows when to apologize Knows how to accept and receive Negotiates Listens to feelings Takes responsibility Acts when appropriate Makes healthy choices Knows when to stop and re-evaluate Knows how to ask for help
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Feels happy a lot of the time Is tuned into a larger field of intelligence

What is living in denial?

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary denial is the refusal to admit the truth or reality. When we are in denial we tell ourselves that we have no control over what is happening in our life. We may say things like:

That is just the way it is I dont have any choice I cant do it- Its too hard, I am not smart enough I am too busy Then money is good so I cant leave my job- or I will lose my pension Its not my fault its someone elses fault Its what is expected They made me do it

Self Application
Have you ever watched very young children at play? They do not care about what people think of them, what they are wearing, or how much money they have. They are not afraid of asking questions or laughing out loud. Their innocence allows them to embrace life as it comes.

However at some point, for many of us living in a western culture, we are taught to follow the rules, consult authority or to look to others for our worth. Canadian Olympic medalist Silken Laumann said in her article Authentically Me, At some point early in our development we are given signals-signals that being jealous of a sibling is not appropriate; that crying when we are hurt is being dramatic- and bit by bit, we layer our authentic self with more socially acceptable masks.

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Running with the pact is often a safer choice than doing what we truly want.

We begin

to live our lives according to what is expected as opposed to what we really want. For example, some of us will continue to work at a job that no longer fulfills us, living with someone who does not honour us for who we are, or spend money that we dont have in order to impress others, all in the belief that it will bring us happiness.

Very often we lie to ourselves. We deny that we have a problem instead of confronting it. We convince ourselves that we dont have a choice about the direction of our life is going. We prefer the status quo rather than challenging it as it may appear to be the easier choice. Sometimes we prefer to live in denial because we are afraid. We are afraid to make the choice; afraid of what people will say; afraid of the unknown; afraid of failure. Living in denial can lead to serious problems such as substance abuse, failed

relationships, depression, and health problems.

In life we have choices. Sometimes these choices are not easy, but nonetheless we have them. It takes courage to make the choices that we truly want. When we chose to take responsibility for our lives we begin to live authentically.

Sometimes we want to make the choice to live more authentically, but something is stopping us. This may be because of underlying beliefs that we acquired early on in life. Our beliefs whether they are known to us or not can have an impact on how we behave. It may be necessary to uncover these underlying beliefs in order to live authentically.

Consider this case study

Peter seemed to have it all a good job, a big house, a boat, cars, a wife and children that he loved and that adored him. He had the dream job (or so it appeared) and he made more money than he knew what to do with.

His day started at 5:00 am with a run around his neighbourhood. He was at his desk by 6:30 before his family woke up. He returned home around 08:00 pm, sometimes too late to spend time with his youngest child. Because of his long hours, Peter made sure that his weekends were dedicated to his family, but lately he was starting to get emails and
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calls from his boss. Even though he was annoyed by this at the beginning, he convinced himself that this was just the way it was, and he just had to deal with it.

After a while, Peter became irritated, started to fight with his wife and was short with his children. He was beginning to dread Monday mornings. At around supper time on Sunday night he would begin to feel anxious and he just didnt want to go into work. Again he convinced himself that he didnt have a choice and he should be grateful. After all he was the envy of all his friends and had everything he ever wanted or so he thought.

At the urging of his wife he hired a life coach. Working with his coach he realized that he had an underlying belief that was instilled in him early in life that success equated to possessing material goods. His father had been a very successful businessman. He constantly bragged about his cars, his expensive vacations, his big house, etc. and told his children that was the only way to live. Peter also realized that during family gatherings there seemed to be a lot of friendly sibling rivalry around who had the most possessions.

With his coach he realized what was truly important to him was to spend time with his family. Many of his siblings relationship had ended up in failure and he did not want the same to thing to happen to him. Together with his coach he worked out a way to set boundaries with his boss around work hours and personal time. He was able to hire another assistant to support him so that he could spend fewer hours at work and be with his family. To his surprise, his siblings respected his choice and told him in secret that they envied him. Even though he made less money, Peter felt happier, lighter and freer.

Self Reflection

How do you feel at the end of the day? What energizes you? How can you carry that energy throughout your day? What are your values and beliefs? Are you living according to these values and beliefs?

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Coaching Application
The coach can play a crucial role in supporting the client in living their authentically. When we find that a client is in denial its important to find what is preventing the client from living the life they truly want.

We can support them by helping them figure out what it means for them to live authentically. You can bring the client on a discovery journey a discovery of their:

Core values Beliefs Life purpose Strength Personality Motivation

There are many methods that the coach can use including asking powerful questions, visualization, encouraging the client to meditate, journal, and increasing their awareness that they have choices in the way they live their life. The coach can also make the client aware of their self-talk and the negative messages they give themselves.

Some questions that the coach can ask:

What does authentic life mean to you? When are you happiest? What special talents do you have? What do you believe in? What are you wise about? How can you honour your true feelings, your passions, your talents and your strengths? What does play time look like for you? When you want to recharge your battery, what do you do?
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Reflection
How do you model authenticity in the coaching relationship? How can you recognize when your client is living in denial? What methods can you use to help your client live more authentically?

References
Adrienne C. (ND) http://www.caroladrienne.com/en_US/content/view/109/108/ Laumann, S. Authentically Me, Motivated Magazine, Waterloo p. 28

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