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Center for Divorce Mediation Blog

Wally Marcus

Center for Divorce Mediation Blog


Volume 2 (January 1, 2008 to August 31, 2008

Wally Marcus

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Contents
Olympics Metaphor for Divorce Cost of Not Settling Divorce, Voice Mail, and Email Is Divorce Morally Acceptable? Celebrity Divorce Again Divorce Recovery Marriages of Limited Duration 2 Up to Parents An Ideal Husband Divorce Police Will Dad Ever Do His Share? - In the News Wonderful Wedding - Anniversary Waltz Best Divorce Mediators - Super Mediators - Master Mediators Divorce is a Luxury in a Bad Economy Should You Divorce Him? 1 2 4 6 8 10 11 13 14 17 18 19 21

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STORMS CANT HURT THE SKY: THE BUDDHIST PATH THROUGH DIVORCE Divorce Images Googlism for: marriage Divorce by Any Other Name Googlism for Divorce Best Divorce Mediators 2 Mediator Qualifications Googlism for Mediation High Profile Divorces in the News Standards of Conduct for Mediation Tarahumara Golden Retriever and Mediation Mediation or Meditation Nevda Governor's Divorce and Marital Home Robin Williams Collaborative Divorce Best Divorce Mediators

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29 31 36 37 42 43 44 50 52 54 56 57 58 59 60

China, Marriage, and Automobiles Softball and Divorce Mediation in Cuba Divorce Ritual Follow Up - In the News Grass is Not Always Greener Divorce by Blog and Youtube Follow Up Gay Divorce - In the News Divorce by Blog and Youtube - In the News Divorce Generation Grows Up - In the News Society Page Divorce and the Iraq War - In the News Our Family - Community Mediation - In the News Divorce Ritual Alimony - Men Receiving - In the News Alimony Questions Two TV Remotes are Better Than One! - Marriage Tips Google Pyramid

61 63 65 66 67 68 69 71 73 76 78 80 81 83 86 88 89

Divorce Causes - Lovers and Other Strangers Study Links Marriage Stress, Risk of Hypertension - In the News Divorce Lessons I Have Learned Beatle Divorce II Rabbi Casts Wide Net in Matchmaker Role - In the News Divorce Proverbs and Aphorisms Beatle Divorce Costs McCartney $48.7 Million - In the News Divorce Books Three Little Pigs Go to Mediation Divorce Study of Results Collaborative Practice - In the News Proxy Marriage - In the News Religious Divorce and Annulment Websites That Are Helpful Association for Conflict Resolution

90 91

92 94 95

97 104

105 107 108 109 111 112 115 117

Helping Children How to Pick a Mediator Mediating Elder-Care Disputes - In the News Military Divorce - In the News Emotional Stages of Divorce - Kbler-Ross Marriages of Limited Duration Things I Would Like To Change In Divorce - Health Insurance, Mortgages, and Country Club Memberships Divorce Movies Fog of Divorce What Are My Rights? When God and the Law Dont Square - In the News Valentine's Day Your Values or Your Child? Breaking Up is Hard to Do, But Need it Destroy You? In the News Dating Divorce and Presidents

118 123 125 126 127 128 129

131 137 138 140 142 144 145

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Why I Became A Mediator Predictors of a Successful Mediation Co-mediation Marital Mediation Divorce Songs Mediated Divorce: Focus on the Needs of Children in Desert Leaf Humor in Mediation and Divorce Red Cross Divorce TV Polling on Our Blog Can You Tell a Divorce Professional by the Car He or She Drives? In the News - Court: Child Support Past Age 18 Immigration Mediation Program on February 9 YouTube and Divorce In the News - What to Ask When It's Over and the Divorce Season

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Mediators from Around the World Are There Good Divorces? Divorce Urban Myths

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Olympics Metaphor for Divorce


August 29, 2008
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I am always looking for metaphors for divorce in life. Watching the Olympics on television, I found quite a few. The synchronized diving is a perfect example. Is the team which is jumping off a 10 meter platform "in synch" on the way down like a couple getting divorced? Does the couple have a problem when they are not in "sync." The swimming race shows a green line across the pool which is the world record time. Many couples in a divorce have a green line and want to set a world record divorce settlement. The swimming and diving are shown from many angles. Should we look at divorce from many angles? As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 8/29/08

Cost of Not Settling


August 25, 2008

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Parties in all law suits, which unfortunately, also include divorces, must make a decision to settle or litigate their case. There was an interesting article in the August 8, 2008, New York Times by Jonathan D. Glater entitled "The Cost of Not Settling a Lawsuit." See chart above and the entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/08/business/08law.html?ex=1375934400 The article premise is "that is the clear lesson of a soon-to-be-released study of civil lawsuits that has found that most of the plaintiffs who decided to pass up a settlement offer and went to trial ended up getting less money than if they had taken that offer." It cites Randall L. Kiser, a co-author of the study. The study will be published in September issue of the Journal of Empirical Legal Studies. See http://www.blackwellpublishing.com/journal.asp?ref=1740-1453&site=1. The study suggests that "lawyers may not be explaining the odds to their clients or that clients are not listening to their lawyers." It goes on to say "Law schools do not teach how to handicap trials, nor do they help develop the important skill of telling a client that a case is not a winner. Clients do not like to hear such news." It concludes by saying "The findings are consistent with research on human behavior and responses to risk, said Martin A. Asher, an

economist at the University of Pennsylvania and a co-author. For example, psychologists have found that people are more averse to taking a risk when they are expecting to gain something, and more willing to take a risk when they have something to lose. If you approach a class of students and say, Ill either write you a check for $200, or we can flip a coin and I will pay you nothing or $500, most students will take the $200 rather than risk getting nothing, Mr. Asher said. But reverse the situation, so that students have to write the check, and they will choose to flip the coin, risking a bigger loss because they hope to pay nothing at all, he continued. Theyll take the gamble." Is there a lesson here for couples going thru a divorce? We often advise clients that it is better to choose the devil you know rather than the devil you dont know. Clients often think they are right and therefor will prevail. Sadly for them, this usually does not happen. I like mediation because in most cases this dilemma can be avoided. As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 8/25/08

Divorce, Voice Mail, and Email


August 21, 2008

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mediating a case, I advise clients not to problem solve (I dont like to use the word negotiate) by email or voice mail. I have always felt that problem solving requires instantaneous feed back and response or it becomes a monologue and not a dialogue. Email is acceptable for transmitting or confirming information such as pick up times for children. Along this line this line, I was fascinated to see the front page article in Saturday, August 2, 2008, New Times by Matt Richtel. entitled, "Dont Want to Talk About it? New Service Sells Missed Calls," which discusses a new technology that is as bad for divorce as email. See the entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/02/us/02sly.html?ex=1375416000&en=55 The article discusses a new service called Slydial. which allows callers to dial a mobile telephone but avoid an unwanted conversation or as the article say "unwanted intimacy" because the incoming call goes undetected by the receiver and goes directly to the receivers voice mail. The name Slydial says it all. The article quotes James Katz, head of the Center for Mobile Communications Studies at Rutgers University as saying, "You pretend to be communicating, when you are actually stifling communications," This is my very point. Couples think they are communicating when they are actually doing the reverse. I must now advise clients, not only not to email but not to leave voice mail messages. As always,

you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 8/17/08

Is Divorce Morally Acceptable?


August 17, 2008

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As the culture of divorce has changed over the years, it has been assumed that one of the reasons is there is no longer as much as a stigma about getting divorced. I have rarely seen any confirmation of this assumption and was interested to see the Op-Ed article in the Saturday, July 26, 2008, New York Time by Charles M. Blow entitled "America Moves to the Middle." See the entire article and graphs at http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/26/opinion/26blow.html?ex=1374811200 In particular look at the graph the top or on the last row on the second from the right in the article. It shows that 70% of people now believe that divorce is morally acceptable as opposed to 59% in 2001. Blow states, "While more bemoan the worsening state of moral values in the country, we are increasingly shifting our opinion on what is morally acceptable. Now most believe that getting divorced, ...(is) are morally acceptable." It is also interesting that this has not reflected an increase in the divorce rate. I have been advised that this is because the marriage rate is also dropping and that there is a difference in the rate of divorce in different socio-economic groups. In any event, hopefully, people who want and need a divorce are now feeling less social pressure in requesting a divorce. I dont think the personal pain will ever go away. As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at

the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 8/17/08

Celebrity Divorce Again


August 13, 2008

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Celebrity divorces define the culture of divorce. After a horrendous trial, the Christie Brinkley case settled. According to the July 10, 2008 Daily News story by Christina Boyle and Tracy Connor. "Brinkley got the kids, the property and the satisfaction of having exposed her cheating husband as a skirt-chasing egomaniac. Cook got $2.1 million, most of which will end up in his lawyers' pockets. He lost his Sweet Freedom, the little fishing boat Brinkley gave him on his 40th birthday. So ended one of New York's nastiest divorce battles - a Hamptons soap opera that featured sex, lies and Web cam video. After 12 years of marriage, eight days of testimony and one very long night of negotiations, the supermodel and the architect finally agreed on how to part ways. Both claimed victory, but Brinkley was the one beaming - and flashing the V for victory sign - outside the courthouse in Central Islip, L.I., after the deal was announced. I have won custody and decision-making, and that's all I ever wanted, Brinkley said before going home. The 54-year-old cover girl said she was pleased with the outcome, but she also called it very bittersweet. It really is the death of a marriage, but it's also, I think, a new start for all of us. Cook, 49, was brusque. I've got everything I've been asking for two years, he said, even though he had petitioned the court for joint custody. The pact gives Brinkley sole legal custody and decision-making power over 13-year-old Jack and 10-year-old Sailor Lee. It is believed Cook is
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keeping his current visitation rights - every other weekend and one school night a week with extra time in the summer. He ceded his claim to 18 properties Brinkley bought with her millions during their marriage and he has to give up the boat where he spent the Fourth of July with gal pal Suzanne Shaw and son Jack. The vessel will be sold, and the couple will split the proceeds." See the entire article at http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2008/0 7/10/2008-07-10_christie_brinkley_peter_c ook_divorce_end.html

The A-Rod divorce is next. See article in New York post at http://www.nypost.com/seven/07072008/news/nationalnews/a_rods_wife_ where you can even view the court papers! I wonder after reading this why the case could not have been settled earlier. Unfortunately these cases are fueled by anger. Wouldnt it have been better for the children. Mediation would have allowed confidentiality. How many couples will fight in their divorce case because of reading about this case. One of the more telling comment may have been, "Cook got $2.1 million, most of which will end up in his lawyers' pockets." As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 8/13/08

Divorce Recovery
August 09, 2008
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Frank Williams of Divorce Recovery was a recent guest on my Divorce TV show. You can get the schedule of when this and the other programs will air by going to h t t p : / / w w w . d i v o r c e t v a z . g o o g e p a g e s . c o m / I knew a little bit about the Divorce Recovery program but was amazed when I learned more. The program which will be celebrating its 30thanniversary this year has had 1500 volunteers and has helped 15,000 people. People get divorced and often suffer thru the results with no held. Divorce Recovery believes that going through a separation, divorce and the ending of a close relationship is not easy. Divorce Recovery is a support program to help individuals who are ending close relationships. You can learn more about Divorce Recovery at their website at h t t p : / / w w w . d i v o rcerecovery.net/ As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 8/9/08
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Marriages of Limited Duration 2


August 05, 2008
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On February 27, 2008, I blogged about marriages of limited duration. As is often the case, I thought I had come up with an original idea. As Sherlock Holmes said, "there is nothing new under the sun." I was recently reading "Devil May Care" which is the thirty-sixth James Bond novel and is written by Sebastian Faulks writing as Ian Fleming. I was surprised to read in the book that Shitte Muslims believe in such marriages which are called "mutaa." Of course I googled Muslim marriages of limited duration and came up with a January 20, 2007 article in the Washington Post by Nancy Trejos entitled "Temporary Enjoyment Marriages in Vogue Again With Some Iraqis." See the entire article at h t t p : / / w w w . w a s h i n g t o n p o s t . c o m / wp-dyn/content/article/2007/01/19/AR2007 011901850.html?referrer=google Ms. Trejos notes that "According to Shiite religious law, a mutaa relationship can last for a few minutes or several years. A man can have an unlimited number of mutaa wives and a permanent wife at the same time. A woman can have only one husband at a time, permanent or temporary. No written contract or official ceremony is required in a mutaa. When the time limit ends, the man and woman go their separate ways with none of the messiness of a regular divorce." As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right
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in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 8/5/08

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Up to Parents
August 01, 2008

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We like to call your attention to helpful website we come across. h t t p : / / w w w . u p t o p a r e n t s . o r g / is an excellent resource for parents. It puts together information found in many books into an easy to use set of exercises. It is a good supplement to Parenting Education programs required by the courts. As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 8/1/08

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An Ideal Husband
July 28, 2008

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Maureen Dowd wrote a wonderful column in the Sunday, July 6, 2008, New York Times entitled "An Ideal Husband. See the entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/06/opinio n/06dowd.html?ex=1373083200&en=fbf7feb d9931c3f7&ei=5124&partner=permalink&ex p r o d = p e r m a l i n k I usually read her columns first when I start to read the New York Times. Women I discussed the article with said what she said was obvious. Men did not. She discussed a lecture given by Father Pat Connor entitled, "Whom Not to Marry." She quotes some of this rules which I repeat here. 1. Never marry a man who has no friends. 2. Does he use money responsibly? He is he stingy? 3. Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours. 4. Is he overly attached to his mother and her mythical apron strings? 5. Does he have a sense of humor? 6. The strong silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive. 7. Dont marry a problem character thinking you will change him. 8. Take a good, unsentimental look at his family - you will learn a lot about him and his attitude toward women.

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9. Are his goals and deepest beliefs worthy and similar to yours? 10. Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being - willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous? Others like the column too and wrote some great letters to the editor on July 10. See them at h t t p : / / w w w . n y t i m e s . c o m / 2 0 08/07/09/opinion/l09dowd.html?ex=137334 2400&en=102e7802513dc05f&ei=5124&part ner=permalink&exprod=permalink In particular I like the following letter by Susan Striker: I am a twice-divorced woman, and after my second divorce I sat down and wrote a message to women, including these words of advice: Never marry a man who yells at you in front of his friends. Never marry a man who is more affectionate in public than in private. Never marry a man who notices all of your faults but never notices his own. Never marry a man whose first wife had to sue him for child support. Never marry a man who corrects you in public. Never marry a man who sends birthday cards to his ex-girlfriends. Never marry a man who doesnt treat his dog nicely. Never marry a man who is rude to waiters. Never marry a man who doesnt love music. Never marry a man whose plants are all dead. Never marry a man your mother doesnt like. Never marry a man your children dont like. Never marry a man who hates his job. Never marry a man who doesnt give you lovely and romantic gifts for your birthday and Valentines Day.

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As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 7/28/08

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Divorce Police
July 24, 2008
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Clients often ask me how divorce agreements get enforced. I always tell them, there is no divorce police and unless one of them enforces the agreement, nothing happens.
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As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 7/24/08

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Will Dad Ever Do His Share? - In the News


July 20, 2008
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Achim Lippoth for

The New York Times Parenting is a big issue in divorce mediation. More and more couples are doing joint parenting. This is an issue in intact families as well. Lisa Belkin wrote and excellent article in the Sunday, June 15, 2008 New York Times Magazine section. See entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/15/magazine/15parenting-t.html?ex=137 As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 7/20/08

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Wonderful Wedding - Anniversary Waltz


July 16, 2008 The June 13, 2008 issue of Arizona Jewish Post, www.azjewishpost.com , had a great article about Wonderful Weddings which quotes couples as to what makes a good marriage. The following are some of the quotes: "A great understanding of one another and respect are the keys to a successful marriage." "A good sense of humor is the key to staying married. "They have happily made it to their golden anniversary owing to the philosophy that each person should be prepared to give more than 50 percent." "We just love each other." "Respecting one another and growing together. You either grow together or you grow apart." "The love turns into friendship, I enjoy being with her. She is my best friend." Theres nothing left to fight over. We enjoy every day, and thats what its all about." "We respect each other and try to listen once in awhile instead of just talking." "Our marital success also hinges on compromise." "Having trust and caring for each other in sickness and health, during ups and downs in family life and enjoying each other at all times contributes to an enduring marriage." As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in

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our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 7/16/08

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Best Divorce Mediators - Super Mediators - Master Mediators


July 12, 2008 Each year I get a publication listing the Best Attorneys. I have always been bothered that there is not a similar list for the Best Divorce Mediators. I have decided to do my own list and post the names on this blog below. I am asking Advance Practitioner Members of the Association for Conflict Resolution from a state to designate whom they feel are the Best Divorce Mediators in his or her state. If a person gets two designations, I will list them. I am open to suggestions for doing this a different way. It is a work in progress and I will keep adding names and states. Please post a comment with your designations or suggestions. As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 7/12/08 CONNECTICUT Barbara Aaron - Hartford Michael Becker - Westport Fran Califore - Hartford, New Haven, and Norwalk Roberta Friedman - New Haven Mary Marcus*, Ph.D. - Norwalk Walter Marcus** - Norwalk Deborah Noonan*** - Norwalk Barbara Stark - New Haven and Norwalk * My wife but still one of the best!

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** Nominated by someone else *** Mentee and business associate but still one of the best!

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Divorce is a Luxury in a Bad Economy


July 08, 2008

Is divorce recession proof? In bad financial times, financial pressure contributed marriage breakup. In good financial times, couples felt more comfortable getting divorced. In a recent article in the June 8, 2008, Newark Star-Ledger, reporter Susan Todd discusses the issue. See the entire article at http://www.nj.com/news/ledger/index.ssf?/base/news-13/12128997141155 She says that "earlier this year, divorce moved into the not-right-now category usually reserved for things like expensive vacations." In particular the housing slump is creating a problem. Those couples who are getting divorced are coming up with new settlement solutions. More couples are deciding not to sell their houses or to delay finalizing the divorce. She quotes divorce mediator, Michael Grodjeski as saying, "(The couple) end up getting suck living together. Its not easy, but dont forget couples who come to mediation tend to be more amicable about their divorce...They can continue to live together, not happily maybe, but they are trying to make the best of things" Do you have any new solutions to these issues? As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 7/8/08

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Should You Divorce Him?


July 04, 2008 I thought the following quiz, "Should You Divorce Him?", in LIfe Scripts, something you would find interesting "To divorce or not to divorce... that is the question. According to the American Law and conomics Review, more than two-thirds of divorce cases in the U.S. are filed by women. Infidelity and ysical or verbal abuse are often the cause. However, other women simply feel like they're not getting the most out of their marriage. Are you one of them? Take this divorce quiz and find out." http://www.lifescript.com/quiz/quiz.asp?bi d=50316&cat=Divorce&trans=1&du=1&gclid =CJ6q-Ire55MCFSQtagodlxmEWQ&ef_id=13 50:3:c_abe4695e3f660da21e1f4d5e1ac83f0 d_646380545:4WYDUUNIYX0AAEZHMGkAA AAc:20080609155820 As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 7/4/08

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STORMS CANT HURT THE SKY: THE BUDDHIST PATH THROUGH DIVORCE
June 30, 2008

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My good friend and colleague, Barbara A. Stark, an attorney and mediator in Norwalk and New Haven, Connecticut wrote the following review that I thought you would be interested in. Imagine yourself being strapped into the passenger seat of a plane, out of sorts because of the delay from a never-ending storm. The view out of the portal window is bleak as the plane finally rises, and the world below reduces to the size of train-set hamlets. Suddenly everything connected to the earth is gone. The clouds envelop the plane and block any orienting view for what can seem like an eternity. Gabriel Cohen, in his new book, Storms Cant Hurt the Sky: The Buddhist Path Through Divorce uses this travel experience as an analogy to the longer and more frustrating stages of divorce Cohens audience, those who are going through a break up, will be lucky to settle into this books supportive pages. Storms Cant Hurt the Sky serves as a reminder that just as the plane breaks through the clouds, revealing a blue sky above the cloud cover, above the chaos and devastation of divorce there is also always a place of calm and hope. No matter how terrible the storm below, the miracle of the sky is always there whether invisible or not. In this self-help book, designed for the Buddhist novice, Cohen sets the stage for his readers expectations as they travel the path to the books

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concluding pages. The book begins by posing the questions: How does the happiness of marriage become the suffering of divorce? Where does this particular kind of suffering seem to come from and, looking deeper, where does the suffering really come from? How can the divorce (and non-marital breakup) experience evolve into a less damaging and traumaticexperience? Can a person live through divorce and achieve peace and happinesssufficient of be ready for the next relationship, avoiding repeating the same mistakes?Blending two strands of narrative, Cohen weaves together information about thebasic principles of Buddhism with an engaging account of his own divorce. Relativelynew to Buddhist teachings (Cohen stumbled into his first Buddhist class during hisdivorce to hear a lecture on "How to Deal with Anger"), the book is an abbreviatedsurvey course on Buddhist history, principles, and techniques. Anyone familiar withBuddhism should not look to this book as an addition to the library of higher awareness. But the person not as familiar with Buddhist principles is gently guided to the understanding that Buddhist teachings "are not just pie in the sky abstractions but practical instructions not just how to think better but how to behave better." The book supports and encourages a persons taking responsibility for the suffering caused by divorce, and having compassion particularly for the ex or soon-to-be ex spouse. In between the Buddhist tutorial, Cohen maintains our interest and curiosity by describing the unraveling of his own marriage, his many-faceted experiences with the resulting grief, and his personal lessons from trying to live Buddhist principles. The narrative of his personal journey serves a more important function. By describing his actions, thoughts, and emotions while going through his painful process, Cohen gives the

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divorcing reader the opportunity to identify with his experiences and to feel less marginalized. Many descriptions worthy of underlining help to support the planes-eye view of the emotional disaster we call divorce, particularly for the person who feels that the divorce has been "done to" him or her: "Marriage makes me think of a seesaw: you have your ups and your downs, but through them all you trust your partner to support your weight. If one spouse suddenly jumps off, the other comes down hard. The whole solemn institution, which seemed so solid and permanent Well love each other for better or for worse, until we die is revealed as merely a fragile, tenuous, utterly voluntary agreement." The reader is prodded by Cohen to "challenge every statement" in the book and to test what he says. The book comes together in the concluding chapters with a "plan of action." Short on specifics, the plan is an aspirational checklist of principles to remember and use while going through the divorce experience (which for some means just surviving it) such as: refrain from acting out of anger, practice meditation, think about the difference between real love and attachment, reflect on impermance and change. Rather than setting a "holier than thou" tone, Cohen includes a chapter ("Anatomy of an Email") describing how he fell off the wagon a year after beginning his Buddhist journey by engaging in an angry, discouraging e-mail exchange with his wife. While Cohen emphasizes that forgiveness is an important part of emerging from the suffering of divorce, he is careful not to offer panaceas. The bad behavior of the other spouse is not excused, but the journey to a place of compassion for him or her is encouraged. Anger and sadness cannot be denied but acknowledgement and recognition help to contain those emotions and allow the move from suffering toward happiness. The bottom

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line, from Cohens practical, true-life perspective, is that in the Buddhist view, suffering arises chiefly from the sufferers mind, not from outside circumstances. This recognition and the taking of responsibility, if not for the situation one finds oneself in, at least for the emotional reactions to it, are critical steps in recovering from divorce. The practice of meditation is the primary Buddhist approach to creating a space where life events can be put in perspective. It provides the stability necessary for the insights that support personal growth. The mental image of the sky as the calm, stable part of the mind is always there as a refuge despite the roughness of the storm. This is the promise of the Buddhist approach to divorce as described by Cohen. Buddhist perspectives and teachings are not stand alone remedies for most people. Traditional therapeutic intervention and supportive friends provide critical support for people during divorce. Storms Cant Hurt the Sky offers a new perspective for many to experience and a way to grow from the painful grieving process resulting from divorce. It may even inspire some to further explore Buddhist teachings and readings (the book has an excellent resource list) in the quest for a fuller life, in which divorce is in the past and a better relationship is a future possibility. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 6/30/08

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Divorce Images
June 26, 2008 I love Google. It is one of the most innovative and user friendly websites. Google is a great source for everything. It is fun to search. I often google my name and the names of my family. I also like to check out images. I googled divorce images and came up with some of the following: As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 6/26/08
(h t t p : / / 2 . b p . b l o g s p o t . c o m / _ j F 4 C I p j V n x w / S E W 1 q _ P X R k I / A A A A A A A A A F E / B i F J l 4 C y x p c / s 1 6 0 0 - h / d i v o r c e + i m a g e + 3 . j p g)

(h t t p : / / 4 . b p . b l o g s p o t . c o m / _ j F 4 C I p j V n x w / S E W 1 V f P X R i I / A A A A A A A A A E 0 / I M J p h U P 4 o 0 8 / s 1 6 0 0 - h / d i v o r c e + i m a g e + 1 . j p g)

(h t t p : / / 4 . b p . b l o g s p o t . c o m / _ j F 4 C I p j V n x w / S E W 1 5 f P X R l I / A A A A A A A A A F M / - 0 8 U C f Z G X k w / s 1 6 0 0 - h / d i v o r c e + i m a g e + 4 . j p g)

(h t t p : / / 1 . b p . b l o g s p o t . c o m / _ j F 4 C I p j V n x w / S E W 2 Z v P X R o I / A A A A A A A A A F k / Q c 3 k n d w M 8 w A / s 1 6 0 0 - h / d i v o r c e + i m a g e + 6 . j p g)

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Googlism for: marriage


June 22, 2008

(h t t p : / / 2 . b p . b l o g s p o t . c o m / _ j F 4 C I p j V n x w / S E V B I _ P X R f I / A A A A A A A

Googlism.com will find out what Google.com thinks of you, your friends or anything! You can search for your under Who What Where or When. Below are the googlisms for Marriage. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 6/22/08
A A E c / Z - V - E k L 3 B Q g / s 1 6 0 0 - h / g o o g l i s m . j p g)

marriage is like bubble gum marriage is good for you marriage is marriage is worse for women than men marriage is defined by god in the bible marriage is none of the government's marriage is better than you think marriage is to take second place marriage is dying by peter j marriage is for keeps marriage is part of gods plan marriage is a sacrament marriage is good for women's health marriage is no fairy tale marriage is slavery rather than

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marriage is murder marriage is wrong as well marriage is cool again marriage is an onion marriage is my vocation marriage is doing marriage is on the marriage is recognized marriage is sent to an early grave by a series of little digs marriage is a one marriage is no panacea marriage is none of the government marriage is under siege in our country marriage is like a hundred $k in the bank marriage is worship because of spirit mingling marriage is worth 60 marriage is a feast where marriage is divine marriage is a powerful legal and social institution that protects marriage is valid" has been marriage is a new hampshire imperative why? marriage is the closest kind of friendship marriage is the union of marriage is good for your health marriage is worth $100 marriage is no proof of love marriage is wrong? marriage is in trouble marriage is all about presenting little saints to god may 07

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marriage is alive and well marriage is honorable marriage is accused of duping marriage is healthy? marriage is to me marriage is the key weapon against poverty marriage is ready to go to the mission field marriage is dumb marriage is troubled marriage is for love marriage is a divine institution established by god for man?s good marriage is forever marriage is still important marriage is in trouble helpsite marriage is serious business marriage is presided over by clergy and is considered by its participants to be a sacred union in the eyes of their deity and their faith marriage is risky this article is based on information from the national marriage project at rutgers marriage is none of the government's business marriage is to let your mate take first place marriage is dying peter j marriage is the best way for most men and women marriage is murder by nancy pickard marriage is alive and well author marriage is part of gods plan marriage between a man and a woman has been an integral part of gods plan from the beginning marriage is deemed illegal

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marriage is a bond that should be entered into for love and companionship after you know who you really are marriage is no fairy tale adrienne ball is a senior majoring in anthropology and is the ids arts editor marriage is worth divorce and money marriage is slavery rather than just a happy family affair marriage is murder intrepid duo dares to go where few have survived marriage is a good thing marriage is irrelevant marriage is an onion marriage is an amazing thing marriage is doing fine marriage is on the rocks marriage is recognized from your marriage guide marriage is prohibited marriage is no panacea this editorial appeared in usa today on february 27 marriage is none of the government?s business marriage is multicultural marriage is like having an marriage is ok? marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner marriage is that we fall in love with a personality marriage is a powerful legal and social institution that protects and supports intimate family relationships by providing a unique set of rights marriage is not what you think marriage is a new hampshire imperative in new hampshire we must

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marriage is good for your health february 26 marriage is unjust marriage is valid marriage is not over marriage is not for everyone marriage is an institution ordained of god marriage is wrong??" i have a bf and we're really close ok marriage is all about marriage is honorable #31 marriage is accused of duping signers pam belluck marriage is considered valid marriage is healthy? x marriage is to me by tarascorpb marriage is the key weapon against poverty both on screen and off these days marriage is separate property marriage is an institution of god marriage is coming marriage is troubled it is a fact marriage is still not easy marriage is the foundation of the family unit

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Divorce by Any Other Name


June 18, 2008 What do you call the divorce process? I amazed at all the different names for different types of names. It is a little bit like analog and digital watches. Originally there was just divorce. I have called original divorce "Adversary Divorce" but now think "Traditional Divorce" may be more appropriate. We also have collaborative divorce, collaborative law, collaborative practice, evaluative mediation, facilitated mediation, transformative mediation, pro se divorce pro perq divorce, not to mention "dissolution of marriage!" Do you have names that I have forgotten? Let me know. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 6/2/08 As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 6/18/08 Mediator Qualifications

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Googlism for Divorce


June 14, 2008

(h t t p : / / 2 . b p . b l o g s p o t . c o m / _ j F 4 C I p j V n x w / S E R n C P P X R d I / A A A A A A A

Googlism.com will find out what Google.com thinks of you, your friends or anything! You can search for your under Who What Where or When. Below are the googlisms for Divorce. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 6/14/08 divorce is inevitable from psychpage divorce is imminent divorce is final? divorce is just a click away divorce is a mitzvah divorce is alive and well divorce is deadly divorce is official divorce is ok; remarriage is sometimes ok divorce is not a divorce is real & pain filled divorce is the divorce is rampant among christian leaders divorce is still bad divorce is dangerous divorce is convoluted'
A A E M / P 9 n W X D J h p O I / s 1 6 0 0 - h / g o o g l i s m . j p g)

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divorce is not all broken homes and neglected children divorce is not the end of the world divorce is a grown up problem divorce is 'better for kids' divorce is meaningless divorce is filed divorce is not the real issue that harms divorce is filed? divorce is an increasingly common divorce is granted via sms by the husband divorce is final divorce is quicker in the summer reports divorce website divorce is a financial issue divorce is not a dirty word divorce is divorce is routine? divorce is not a good idea right now divorce is the key to abortion divorce is not an option divorce is a solution divorce is an individual matter divorce is a battlefield divorce is granted based on the complaint cross complaint divorce is easier divorce is pronounced divorce is now available with charles o divorce is an ugly disease divorce is coming divorce is probably of nearly

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divorce is inevitable divorce is final? in some cases divorce is just a click away not long ago divorce is always because of both divorce is not the answer michele weiner divorce is right for you by answering this brief questionnaire divorce is a mitzvah a practical guide to finding wholeness and holiness when your marriage dies divorce is final 1 divorce is alive and well in new york divorce is deadly expert says distress made defendant vulnerable to murder solicitation entrapment volume 5 divorce is not the answer divorce is the only way out divorce is hell divorce is matter of public concern divorce is right for you and if it is divorce is treacherous behavior divorce is not a good idea right now posted on november 03 divorce is changing the nature of so many things in society divorce is not a speedbump divorce is the key to abortion by robert locke frontpagemagazine divorce is for the best divorce is a sin divorce is expensive divorce is still bad in spite of the overwhelming evidence collected in recent years about the negative consequences of divorce and the positive benefits of divorce is convoluted

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divorce is 'better for kids' divorced parents said their children were happier parents struggling in an unhappy marriage divorce is costly divorce is the way out divorce is again meaningless divorce is best for the children divorce is wrong divorce is not so terrible when the parents treat each other with dignity and respect divorce is an increasingly common occurrence in our society divorce is too expensive and damaging divorce is as easy as cashing a small check divorce is a financial issue and the last person you will want to see is a divorce attorney divorce is not a four letter word divorce is final gb big5 divorce is routine? a few of the questions most asked divorce is a delicate matter divorce is increasing as well divorce is not the end of the world zoes and evans coping guide for kids divorce is dandy divorce is a mess divorce is not required divorce is imminent darrel mulloy 06 divorce is overdue divorce is a solution mlp keeps mum on survey divorce is a case of a heart hardened toward god divorce is an interactive class for parents to complete prior to a

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divorce being granted divorce is and what kids like you can do to help yourselves divorce is right' divorce is about separation divorce is granted based on the complaint cross complaint because divorce is a dreadful time divorce is effected divorce is now available divorce is an ugly disease divorce is such an ugly disease divorce is our focus divorce is the best solution divorce is a divorce recovery workshop divorce is really quite simple divorce is near many couples get divorce is likely in supervisory union divorce is apainful experience divorce is probably of nearly the same date as marriage

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Best Divorce Mediators 2


June 13, 2008 Each year I get a publication listing the Best Attorneys. I have always been bothered that there is not a similar list for the Best Divorce Mediators. I have decided to do my own list and post the names on this blog below. I am asking Advance Practitioner Members of the Association for Conflict Resolution from a state to designate whom they feel are the Best Divorce Mediators in his or her state. If a person gets two designations, I will list them. I am open to suggestions for doing this a different way. It is a work in progress and I will keep adding names and states. Please post a comment with your designations or suggestions. As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 7/12/08 CONNECTICUT Barbara Aaron - Hartford Michael Becker - Westport Fran Califore - Hartford, New Haven, and Norwalk Mary Marcus*, Ph.D. - Norwalk Deborah Noonan** - Norwalk Barbara Stark - New Haven and Norwalk

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Mediator Qualifications
June 10, 2008 There has been an issue for years concerning whether a mediator must be an attorney. I have always believed that it is an issue of competency not profession. I took one family law course in law school and I dont remember any family law questions on the bar exam. An attorney fresh out of law school probably knows less family law than a non attorney who has been mediating for years and has taken many continuing education programs. The issue was recently addressed by the Florida Supreme Court. The court removed any requirement that a mediator certified by the Florida Court must be an attorney. Gregory Firestone recently discussed the decision in an article in Spring 2008 issue of ACResolution. He stated, "with the momentous decision, the Florida Supreme Court has enhanced party self-determination in the selection of mediators and provided an important precedent for credentialing mediators throughout the world." See more at http://www.flcourts.org/gen_public/adr/The %20Resolution%20Report/April%202008/rr _ S C 0 5 9 9 8 % 2 0 _ a r t i c l e _ A p r 0 8 . s h t m As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 6/10/08

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Googlism for Mediation


June 06, 2008

(h t t p : / / 4 . b p . b l o g s p o t . c o m / _ j F 4 C I p j V n x w / S E R n W v P X R e I / A A A A A A A A A E U / V c 7 t 4 h Y R G D Y / s 1 6 0 0 - h / g o o g l i s m . j p g)

Googlism.com will find out what Google.com thinks of you, your friends or anything! You can search for your under Who What Where or When. Below are the googlisms for Mediation. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 6/6/08 mediation is so many things mediation is effective mediation is not for sissies mediation is a constructive and effective way mediation is going mediation is often the answer to mediation is not successful mediation is available until a public hearing is convened or mediation is meer dan bemiddelen alleen mediation is a mediation is a better mousetrap mediation is not appropriate for every case mediation is effective in resolving eeo complaints mediation is above the rest

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mediation is a confidential process in which mediation is critical to peace mediation is a process whereby a neutral mediation is for anyone engaged in conflict at mediation is snelle en goedkope conflictoplossing mediation is a voluntary process in which an impartial third mediation is needed more than ever" kofi annan says mediation is generally defined as the intervention in a mediation is money mediation is simply that everybody gets mediation is what you need mediation is more time mediation is a mediator in saskatoon on canlaw mediation is a part of what is known as "alternative dispute resolution mediation is mediation is defined as a process of assisted negotiations mediation is not mediation is the opportunity for both legal parties to be heard through negotiation mediation is an opportunity for two or more people to come together to try to work out a solution to their problem mediation is a constructive and effective way to resolve disputes between people mediation is an informal process that brings disputing parties together with a neutral person mediation is not arbitration mediation is often the answer to conflict mediation is over

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mediation is usually confidential mediation is a real alternative to courtroom battles mediation is that it is so many things mediation is not enough mediation is not successful? provided by the livingston community dispute resolution service mediation is both mediation is a voluntary option by joanne mauger mediation is available until a mediation is a process for resolving conflicts and for the neutral accompaniment of difficult negotiations mediation is a process in which a trained neutral person mediation is a joke mediation is unheralded enabler of 3g mediation is a form of alternative dispute resolution mediation is flexible and confidential mediation is op verzoek van beide partijen een goede oplossing vinden voor beide partijen inzake een conflictgeschil mediation is a variation of the mediation process mediation is a completely voluntary and confidential process that helps two or more people in conflict clarify their issues and goals mediation is a better mousetrap for resolving divorce and family law issues mediation is a voluntary process for people who wish to try to resolve their human rights complaint to their mutual satisfaction with the assistance of a mediation is a confidential process in which the mediator helps people talk and listen to each other about what is important to them mediation is procedural help in negotiating

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mediation is a process in which an impartial third party assists people in conflict in finding a mutually acceptable solution to their dispute mediation is critical to peace efforts 29 november third party involvement mediation is arbitration mediation is successful? top mediation is a process whereby a neutral third person called a mediation is for anyone engaged in conflict at uo mediation is on the increase 2 mediation is moderne snelle en goedkope conflictoplossing onder leiding van de mediator als deskundige onpartijdige derde mediation is a voluntary process in which an impartial third party mediation is needed more than ever" kofi annan says in statement to security council on mideast mediation is a flexible program designed to informally help parties resolve disputes mediation is unsuccessful mediation is generally defined as the intervention in a negotiation by an acceptable third party who has limited or no authoritative decision mediation is a process of assisted negotiations mediation is money by deborah young mediation is always within the control of the parties mediation is a dispute resolution process in which an impartial third party helps parties to negotiate mutually mediation is not governed by legal categories or rules mediation is not magic mediation is actually getting both parties to agree that mediation is a

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good idea in the first place mediation is the conflict resolution process that has been the speciality of scms since the beginning of the mediation is voluntary mediation is noncoercive mediation is the best approach to solving disagreements about child custody mediation is a process mediation is what you need tlt has 2 more qualified mediators mediation is a no mediation is the better option mediation is a problem mediation is a process where an impartial third party helps two or more parties discuss a dispute and work toward a solution that is acceptable to all parties mediation is a process in which an impartial and trained mediator helps people to resolve their own dispute voluntarily and agreeably mediation is it effective? nothing is perfect mediation is a joint process to resolve workplace disputes mediation is cost effective mediation is a non mediation is about directly negotiating your own decisions with the help of a third party mediation is a process in which two disputing parties have been unable to settle their differences and appoint a neutral third party mediation is far less costlymany disputes can be resolved in a few hours mediation is a way of resolving disputes which helps people involved to reach an agreement with the help of an impartial third

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party mediation is a process in which a trained mediator assists disputing parties in communicating their positions on issues and exploring possible solutions mediation is a community resource that provides mediation is where a neutral mediation is becoming an increasingly popular form of resolving disputes in a more cost mediation is a private mediation is the step by step process through which separating couples arrive at a fair agreement which is acceptable to both sides mediation is intended to reward all parties involved mediation is a way of resolving conflict between two or more people mediation is critical to peace efforts mediation is a "win/win" rather than a "win/lose" solution mediation is a problem solving process that focuses on the future

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High Profile Divorces in the News


June 02, 2008
(h t t p : / / 4 . b p . b l o g s p o t . c o m / _ j F 4 C I p j V n x w / S E C Q a v P X R c I / A A A A A A A A A E E / i x N V 7 p 7 6 n M g / s 1 6 0 0 - h / n e v a d a 1 9 0 . j p g)Gov.

Jim Gibbons of

Nevada and his wife Dawn at his inauguration in 2007. (Photo: Kevin Clifford/Nevada Appeal, via Associated Press) I previously wrote about the Governor of Nevadas, Paul McCartneys and Robin Williams divorces. High profile divorces are news. The Govenor of Nevadas divorce continues to get worse and make news. Steve Friess recently commented on it in his blog. He said "the governor of the state made famous in part for its quick, private divorces is now embroiled in a breakup so tawdry, so publicly spectacular and so potentially grueling that how it plays out could have implications from Carson City to the White House...The scandal is alarming Republican operatives in the state who believe disaffection with Mr. Gibbons is already dooming his own re-election chances in 2010 but also could impact how swing-state Nevada goes this fall in the presidential race...This absolutely could depress Republicans who are already depressed," said Chuck Muth, a Republican political consultant and blogger. "This could hurt McCains ability to hold on to Nevada" See entire blog at http://thelede.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/05/30/divorce-turns-ugly-for-nevada Closer to home I was glad to read in the article by Kim Smith in the May 30, 2008, Arizona Daily Star that the University of Arizona Head Basketball coach, Lute Olson and his wife, Christine Olson have settled their divorce case. See entire story at h t t p : / / w w w .

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azstarnet.com/sports/241379.php Both of these cases may encourage couples to seek mediation, rather than expensive and emotionally draining divorces. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 6/2/08

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Standards of Conduct for Mediation


May 29, 2008

(h t t p : / / 3 . b p . b l o g s p o t . c o m / _ j F 4 C I p j V n x w / S D y e Y f P X R b I / A A A A A A A

The Model Standards of Conduct for Mediators are the fundamental ethical guidelines for persons mediating in all practice contexts. The Standards were drafted by the American Arbitration Association, the American Bar Associations Section of Dispute Resolution, and the Association for Conflict Resolution.
A A D 8 / - K e s f 5 N w 2 t Y / s 1 6 0 0 - h / c o n d u c t . j p g)

The preamble of the Standards indicate they serve three primary goals: to guide the conduct of mediators, to inform the mediating parties, and to promote public confidence in mediation as a process for resolving disputes. As I have indicated in the past, mediation is a process in which an impartial third party facilitates communication and negotiation and promotes voluntary decision making by the parties to the dispute. Mediation serves various purposes, including providing the opportunity for parties to define and clarify issues, understand different perspectives, identify interests, explore and assess possible solutions, and reach mutually satisfactory agreements, when desired. There are the following ten Standards: Self-determination, Impartiality, Conflicts of Interest, Competence. Confidentiality, Quality of the Process, Advertising and Solicitation, Standard Viii. Fees and Other Charges, and Advancement of Mediation Practice.

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To read the complete Standards of Conduct go to: http://www.acrnet.org/about/initiatives/Qu alityAssurance/standards-conduct.htm As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 5/29/08

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Tarahumara
May 26, 2008
(h t t p : / / 1 . b p . b l o g s p o t . c o m / _ j F 4 C I p j V n x w / S D t O 5 P P X R a I / A A A A A A A A A D 0 / t 9 q b w G 9 U e N A / s 1 6 0 0 - h / t a r a h u m a r a . j p g)We

just returned from a wonderful trip on the Chihuahua Pacifico Railroad through the Cooper Canyon region of Mexico. As always, I got a baseball cap with railroads acronym Chepe on the crest of the hat. One of the most interesting parts of the trip was observing the Tarahumara Indians. They actually call themselves the Raramuri which means the Runners and they are some of the best runners in the world. Running up and down the canyons is an important part of their culture as well as a means of transportation and communication. I loved their colorful dress. They are a very primitive group of about 70,000 Indians. Many live in caves for part of the year. Until recently, they survived as subsistence farmers but more recently have earned money by selling crafts to tourists and accepting payment for allowing their picture to be taken. There also seems to be more begging. Many seemed to have no emotional affect. I wonder if modern civilization had done more harm than good. On the other hand, they are able to survive without modern conveniences. I dont think I could do the same. As always, I asked about their marriage and divorce practices. They have very little tribal structure but when a couple wants to get married, the prospective husband, asks the leader for permission. If the leader says yes, the couple lives together and is considered married. Divorce is easy and frequent. If a couple wants to get divorce, they just separate and the wife usually keeps most property and the

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children. There does not seem to be a great need for mediation! As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 5/26/08

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Golden Retriever and Mediation


May 23, 2008
(h t t p : / / 2 . b p . b l o g s p o t . c o m / _ j F 4 C I p j V n x w / S C 8 9 m L 4 w A U I / A A A A A A A A A D s / F x V m u D z z n M w / s 1 6 0 0 - h / g o l d e n + r e t r i e v e r . j p g)Molly

was our golden retriever for 14 years. She would sometimes come with me to divorce mediation sessions. She was a great help both as an ice breaker and as an indicator of tension levels. If the couple got angry, she would get upset. I now work with Rescue a Golden of Arizona transporting gold retrievers to a new and better home. It is a very rewarding experience. In addition I get to use my mediation skills not only with new and old owners but with parties who want to have more than one dog. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 5/23/08

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Mediation or Meditation
May 20, 2008
(h t t p : / / 1 . b p . b l o g s p o t . c o m / _ j F 4 C I p j V n x w / S C 8 7 E 7 4 w A S I / A A A A A A A A A D c / X a i Y f s 3 S h h U / s 1 6 0 0 - h / m e d i t a t i o n . j p g)Mediation

or Meditation, the difference in the words is only the letter T. You would be amazed how often the words are confused. A few years ago by yellow page proof came back as the Center for Divorce Meditation! I have heard of mediators being listed under meditation in the yellow pages. Perhaps there is a reason the words are confused or perhaps people who are getting divorced should meditate. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 5/20/08

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Nevda Governor's Divorce and Marital Home


May 16, 2008

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One of the big initial issues in any divorce is who stays in the marital home. In fact in many cases once that issue is resolved, the couple is not in any rush to get divorced! The issue took an interesting twist when the governor of Nevada, Jim Gibbon, when the governor left the official residence and his Wife stayed. Something similar happened when Rudy Giuliani got divorced. It does not seem to make any difference if you are a governor or a mayor. See the entire story at http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/03/us/03nevada.html?ex=1367553600&e As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 5/16/08

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Robin Williams Collaborative Divorce


May 14, 2008

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Celebrity divorces are important because they can set the trend for the average couple. It was significant that Robin Williams is getting a collaborative divorce. See one of the many articles at h t t p : / / w ww.etonline.com/news/2008/05/61388/inde x . h t m l People reports that the papers, which were filed in San Francisco, include the following agreement: "We will strive to be honest, cooperative and respectful as we work in this process to achieve the future well being of our families. We commit ourselves to the collaborative law process and agree to seek a positive way to resolve our differences justly and equitably." As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 5/14/08

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Best Divorce Mediators


May 09, 2008 Every year I get a publication listing the Best Attorneys from somewhere. I am always bothered that there is not a similar list for Divorce Mediators. I have decided to do my own list. I am going to email the Advance Pratitioner Members of each state and ask them to nominate the Best Divorce Mediators in their state. If I get at least two votes, I will include the Divorce Mediator on my list. Let me know if you have any nominees. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 5/9/08

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China, Marriage, and Automobiles


May 07, 2008

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China has always fascinated me. I took Chinese history in college and we plan to travel to China someday. I love automobiles and marriage is part of my profession. It was a triple hit, China, marriage and automobiles.Thus, an article in the Thursday, April 24, 2008, New York Times by Keith Bradsher entitled "With First Car, a New Life in China - Attracting New Respect and a Good Marriage," caught my eye. I You can see the entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/24/business/worldbusiness/24firstcar.htm According to Bradsher there is an explosive growth in first-time car buyers in China which is (you should excuse the pun) the driving force behind the record car sales in China. One of the reasons cited for new car buyers is the belief by parents that without a car their sons wouldnt be able to find wives. One new wife said that "young women in China consider a man to be marriage material only if he can take them on dates in a car." Automobiles have always been an integral part of the courting ritual in the United States so it should not come as a surprise that automobiles are also important in China. This is certainly my

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memory of high school. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 5/7/08

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Softball and Divorce


May 05, 2008

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One of the advantages of living in a University town like Tucson, is that you can take advantage of all the university has to offer. We enjoy attending cultural and sport events. We recently added our first University of Arizona Womens Softball game. The team was national champions last year and we expected an exciting game. There certainly was excitement in the air as we walked to our seats with the night lights on, music playing, the smell of hotdogs, and the announcer introducing the teams. It is always a thrill to hear the national anthem at sports events. You may be asking what does all this have to do with Divorce Mediation. I always see metaphors for mediation or the application of a sport to mediation. We learned two new things at the game. First the mercy rule and second slap hitting. The mercy rule, also well known by the slightly less polite term slaughter rule (or, less commonly, knockout rule and skunk rule), brings a sports event to an early end when one team has a very large and presumably insurmountable lead over the other team. The mercy rule is most common in games such as baseball or softball, where there is no game clock and play could theoretically continue forever, although it is also used in sports such as hockey, football, and soccer. It made me wonder if there should be a mercy rule in divorce. Should the divorce stop when one party exceeds a certain

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limit of money? We were at first confused when we saw a hitter running before she tried to hit the ball. We asked a fellow spectator what it was all about and she said it was slap hitting. She explained that slap hitting is an offensive strategy designed to place stress on the defense and provide more opportunities for our offense to score runs. The slap hitter must be concerned with getting on base anyway she can. Thus, on base percentage is much more important to her than batting average is. Using this technique, the batter first begins by running in the batters box and then contacts the ball. Should divorce avoid strategies which are designed to put more stress on the other party and concentrate on problem solving? As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 5/5/08

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Mediation in Cuba
May 02, 2008

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A few years ago we were fortunate to take a tour of Cuba for mediators. It was organized by Vicky Ryder of New York. Cuba is a beautiful country. We met with the head of mediation for the University of Havana. I was given a book about mediation in Cuba but my high school Spanish is not good enough to read the book! Mediation is universal. We also met with the Havana Bar Association. Divorce in Cuba is not as complicated as here. There are no issues dealing with health care or housing and there is a strong presumption that the Mother retains custody of the children. Another highlight of the trip was visiting Ernest Hemingways home. One of the great results of the case was that I met some wonderful mediators from all over the country who have been become good friends including Jennifer Kresge. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 5/2/08

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Divorce Ritual Follow Up - In the News


April 30, 2008

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In line with my earlier blog about Divorce Ritual at h t t p : / / w w w . blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=29956670 82878877501&postID=34137582014289124 6 8 , there was an article by Rebecca Cathcart in the April 23, 2008 New York Times entitled, "Unloading The Leftovers of Past Loves," which mentions melting down jewelry from past relationships. See the entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/23/us/23j ewelry.html?ex=1366689600&en=8c3bfe7d5 76b5e49&ei=5124&partner=permalink&expr o d = p e r m a l i n k The article discusses a new website called ExboyfriendJewerly.com which allows users to sell, auction, trade, or give away of their amorous misadventures. The only requirement is that they must tell the stories behind every gift! As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 4/30/08

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Grass is Not Always Greener


April 28, 2008
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One of the many things I like about divorce mediation is that a couple can view what it would be like to be divorced without "burning their bridges." As you know, I like to use homilies! The couple has some idea of their current financial circumstances but if they are not living in the same circumstances they plan to live in when they get divorced, they have not idea of what their future circumstances will be like. I urge the couple to compare current and future finances and parenting and to decide if the "grass will be greener." With computer programs like FinPlan by Thomson West Publishing and created by Dennis Casty, we can do financial modeling which shows a couple the financial consequences of being divorced. I tell the couple that research shows that it will cost them at least 30% more to live separately than it will cost them to live together. There are more fixed costs for things like the telephone, cable, and insurance to name a few items. The couple can also experiment with a parenting plan, child support, and alimony. Although couples think they will be happier divorced, after doing some of these exercises, they often decide to try harder to save their marriage. If they dont save their marriage, at least they go into the divorce with a more realistic picture of what it will be like. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 4/28/08
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Divorce by Blog and Youtube Follow Up


April 26, 2008

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In line with my blog Divorce by Blog and Youtube," (http://centerfordivorcemediation.blogspot.com/2008/04/divorce-by-blog-an recently married actor, Gary Coleman, who starred in the 1978 television comedy, "Diff'rent Strokes" and is 40 years old will be getting divorced from his 22 year old wife on Divorce Court TV on May 1 and 2 See more details at http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080425/ap_ o n _ e n _ t v / p e o p l e _ g a r y _ c o l e m a n "Divorce Court" is a syndicated show on which couples appear to settle real divorce cases. The show's judge resolves issues such as alimony and asset division, and her decisions are legally binding. See more about Divorce Court at h t t p : / / w w w . d i v o r c e c o u r t . c o m / There seems to be no end on how crazy divorce can get! As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 4/26/08

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Gay Divorce - In the News


April 25, 2008

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Over the years I have mediated numerous cases where one spouse is gay and the other spouse is not gay. I have not mediated a case where there is a gay couple. It is interesting to note that although the couple usually indicates that the reason for the divorce is because a spouse is gay, it is not usually the reason for the divorce. More often than not the couple is getting divorced for the same reasons that most couples get divorced. If the couple is getting divorced because of the gay issue, it is usually a more positive divorce. There have been two recent articles on this issue. The Arizona Star published an AP story on April 16, 2008, entitled "Married Gays in Uncharted Divorce Waters." The article says that "Gay couples who still live in the state where they got hitched can split up with little difficulty: The laws in those states include divorce or dissolution procedures for same-sex couples. But gay couples who have moved to another state are running into trouble." See the entire article at h t t p : / / w w w . a z s t a r n e t . c o m / a l l h e a d lines/234596.php The Sunday, April 20,2008m New York Times also had an article by Torrie Osborn, entitled "The Joy of Marriage Was Ours, for a While." See the entire article at

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http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/20/fashion/20love.html?ex=1366516800& Ms Osborn says, "our hard-fought rights of domestic partnership required lawyers and legal proceedings to undo it, just like for straight people. And I am grateful for those laws, as they are meant to protect those like me who, in the end, find themselves to be the financially disadvantaged partner. I couldnt help but note the irony that all my fighting for 30 years for gay civil rights had come down to ... paperwork." She goes on to say that "A year has passed since I was forced to experience the dark side of committing to a legally binding union. But the bright side, for me, has been its safety net divorce equality. And with steady help from my friends, I was able to stay upright on the horror-ride of grief and ultimately come through stronger and more whole. I have even discovered a new joy stirring in my soul like the sweet eye of a violet; it emerged from the stillness that follows grief." As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 4/25/08

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Divorce by Blog and Youtube - In the News


April 23, 2008

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Many people are dissatisfied with their marriage and divorce. They usually complain to their friends, attorney or mediator. One of the advantages of mediation is confidentiality and there is usually very little publicity about a mediated divorce. Although this is a good thing, the public does not hear as much about mediation and as a result does not always choose it as a divorce process. The internet has spawned new ways to air a persons complaints about his or her divorce or marriage. It is sometimes a tool to settle a case or fight a divorce. Blogs and Youtube are two examples of these new methods. Two recent items have discussed this. See an article entitled "When the Ex Blogs, the Dirtiest Laundry Is Aired" by Leslie Kaufman in the April 18, 2008 New York times at http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/18/style/1 8divorce.html?ex=1366257600&en=48b74d 9f06a61cbd&ei=5124&partner=permalink&e x p r o d = p e r m a l i n k Also see an AOL story about using Youtube at h t t p : / / n e w s . a o l . c o m / s t o r y / _ a / w i f e - t akes-divorce-drama-to-youtube/200804160 6 3 7 0 9 9 9 0 0 0 1 Even I was amazed that both of these stories generated so much publicity and were widely circulated by email. As an aside Leslie Kaufman of the New York Times now does many interesting stories about divorce. See my earlier blog about her

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story about Iraq and divorce at h t t p : / / c e n t e r f o r d i v o r c e mediation.blogspot.com/search/label/Divor ce%20and%20the%20Iraq%20War%20-%20I n%20the%20News As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 4/23/08

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Divorce Generation Grows Up - In the News


April 19, 2008

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Most of my blogs have been about divorce from the divorce professionals point of view. There is an excellent cover story by David J. Jefferson in the April 12, 2008 issue of Newsweek entitled "Divorce Generation Grows Up" which discussed divorce from the childs point of view. See the entire article at h t t p : / / w w w . n e w s w e e k . c o m / i d / 1 3 1 8 3 8. Jefferson makes many of the following useful observations: "The change had begun in the '60s as the myth of the nuclear family exploded, and my generation was caught in the fallout. The women's rights movement had opened workplace doors to our mothersmore than half of all American women were employed in the late '70s, compared with just 38 percent in 1960and that, in turn, made divorce a viable option for many wives who would have stayed in lousy marriages for economic reasons. Then in 1969, the year I entered kindergarten, Gov. Ronald Reagan signed California's "no fault" divorce law, allowing couples to unilaterally end a marriage by simply declaring "irreconcilable differences. Not since Henry VIII's breakup with the pope has divorce received such a boost." "I have watched divorce morph from something shocking, even shameful, into a routine fact of American life."

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"As their parents remarried, my classmates were left to negotiate the thicket of resentments that crop up between spouses and their exes, children and their stepparents." "As they witnessed their parents' pain, many of my friends took on emotional burdens well beyond their years. But my generation was trained in the art of having to move from relationship to relationship. It begins when the judge determines custody and the children start shuttling between parents." "Another ugly side effect, according to the research, is that divorce can be passed from generation to generation, like some kind of genetic defect, with children of divorce becoming divorcs themselves. Other classmates chose to avoid marriage altogether." "In many ways, the urge to stay married is stronger in my classmates' generation than the urge to get divorced was in my parents'. Perhaps this was a backlash to divorce; maybe it was the result of reaching marrying age just as President Reagan's New Conservatism was shaping the social order. Whatever the cause, my married classmates seem more clear-eyed than their '50s forebears. "Every honest couple will tell you that it's hard sometimes," says Josh Gruenberg, who became a lawyer and now lives in San Diego with his wife and three kids (his parents divorced in 1992). "You have to compromise, and it takes work," says Ruth Kreusch, an intellectual-property paralegal." "Despite the complications and the collateral damage, my friends from Grant class of '82 seem to agree that the divorces in their livesboth their parents' and their ownwere probably for the best." "Most don't think ill of their folks for having split up. "As a child I felt like I was a victim of my circumstances, a victim of the divorce," says Deborah Cronin. "But as an adult I learned that my

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parents were just two people who met each other, fell in love, had children, and it didn't work out. They were 18 and 19 years old when they met. They were young kids having kids." It seems that along with the crow's feet and expanding waistlines of middle age, my classmates and I have acquired an acceptance of our parents and their life choices. Some of us have even found healing. "My parents were good people," Tonju Francois told me the other day. "And good people get divorced, too." If I've learned anything from my walk down memory lane, it's that Divorce Generation has grown up." As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 4/19/08

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Society Page
April 18, 2008

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I must confess that I like to read the Society Page or Wedding/Celebration section of the Sunday Styles Section of the New York Times. One of the first things I check out is the professions of the people who are getting married. As a divorce professional, I always wonder if the couples are compatible and whether the marriage will last. The following are a sampling of some of the professions of the couples: The bride and bridegroom are special agents with the Federal Bureau of Investigation where the bride specializes in hostage negotiations and the bridegroom provides equipment for surveillance. The bride is an associate on the foreign exchange sales desk where she sells foreign and domestic currency to hedge funds and asset managers and the bridegroom is a vice president of a financial institution where he works as a derivatives trader. She is a clinical fellow in pediatric pulmonology. He is a portfolio manager at a hedge fund. She is a fourth-year anesthesiology resident. The bridegroom, is an intellectual property lawyer. She is finishing medical school and in July she is to become an intern. He is a currencies and stock trader. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce

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Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 4/18/08

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Divorce and the Iraq War - In the News


April 16, 2008

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War has many casualties but the Iraq War seems to have marriage as a casualty. I dont know if it is because the soldiers shuttle back and forth instead of being away for a longer periods of time or that it is a longer war or that we have more women serving or the nature of the soldier serving or for some other reason. An April 6, 2008 article in the New York Times by Leslie Kaufman entitled After War, Love Can Be a Battlefield discussed the problem. You can see the entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/06/fashio n/06marriage.html?ex=1365134400&en=3af ba51165e6aaca&ei=5124&partner=permalin k&exprod=permalink The article says that "These days the Army is fighting a problem as complex and unpredictable as any war: disintegrating marriages." The Army has a pilot program to address marital stress after soldiers return from long tours in Iraq. It is part of the Armys "Strong Bonds" programs, which are for families and couples and run by its chaplains. The program addresses the stress that war places on marriages - where stress often first manifests itself and where it can take the greatest toll. The article states that soldiers are trained to endure extremes. When it comes to problems in the marriage, "He is saying, We are

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not really at the worst-case scenario, " the article said. "For the spouse, it is like: Yes, we are. To you, it is a small thing, because it is not life, or death, or bleeding. But if we dont talk about these things now, it may feel like we are bleeding. Im bleeding. " "Divorce rates for Army personnel have been on the rise since 2003, the first year of war, when they were 2.9 percent. In 2004, divorce rates in the Army soared to 3.9 percent, propelled by a sharp rise in divorce among the usually much more stable officers corps. That rate has dropped, according to Army demographics, to 1.9 percent for officers and 3.5 percent for the entire Army in fiscal year 2007 which represents roughly 8,700 divorces in total. Female soldiers are the exception; they divorce at a rate of about 9 percent." The Army is worried about the effects of combat on its core soldiers, the ones who are supposed to be lifers. Internal studies show that couples are deeply stressed by the war and contemplating divorce at a much higher rate. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 4/16/08

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Our Family - Community Mediation - In the News


April 14, 2008 My friend Victor Quiros works for Our Family Services in Tucson, Arizona. They do community mediation. There was a great article by Leslie Kaufman about them in the April 6, 2008 issue of the Arizona Dailey Star. See entire article at h t t p : / / w w w . a z s t a r n e t . c o m / a l l h e a d l i n e s / 2 3 3 0 8 0 . p h p You can also learn more about Our Family Services at their website at h t t p : / / w w w .ourfamilyservices.org/ Contact them if you feel mediation might help your community. If you are interested in becoming a mediator call them. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 4/14/08

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Divorce Ritual
April 11, 2008

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When a couple gets married there is a tremendous amount of ritual. There is much less ritual when the couple gets divorced. When we mediate, I encourage the couple to both come to my office to sign the documents and both go to court so that there is some ritual. During my initial training as a divorce mediator, the trainers suggested that the couples toast each other when the documents were signed. I went out and bought special champagne glasses and champagne but no matter how well the mediation went, I never had a couple who wanted to toast each other. This is not to say there is not a place for ritual in divorce. I know of women who melt down their wedding ring, mix it with other old jewelry and make new jewelry from it. I was in a store recently and saw a section next to the anniversary cards of divorce announcement cards. A few years ago I attended the annual meeting of the International Association for Collaborative Practice in Boston. One of the workshops I participated in was Changing the Culture of Divorce: A Training in the Use of Healing Rituals. As part of the workshop, a movie about a divorce ceremony was shown. The ceremony was both strange and moving. See more in article at page 16 of the Winter 2004, vol. 2 no. 2, Collaborative Law Journal at h t t p : / / w w w . m a s s c l c . o r g / p d f / c l j w i n t e r 2 0 0 4 . p d f. I am not sure such a ceremony is for everyone but couples who are having trouble with

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closure or other issues should consider it. . As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 4/11/08

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Alimony - Men Receiving - In the News


April 09, 2008 Until recently I rarely had a case where a man received alimony. In the past cases were not gender neutral. In case in which alimony would be appropriate, the Husband often took a larger property settlement instead of periodic alimony. The Husbands felt embarrassed to receive alimony. They felt it was not appropriate. The new television program "The Lipstick Jungle," explores the issue of Wives who are more financially successful than their Husbands. It shows how much cultural values influence the results of divorce cases. I remember attending a Family Law Bar Association meeting during which the speaker gave the fact pattern of a case in which there was a high earning husband and a stay at home Wife and asked the audience their opinion of how the judge would rule on the case. After everyone gave his or her opinion, the speaker advised us that he had switched facts of the case and it was the Wife who was the high earner and the Husband who was a stay at home Husband. Everyone then changed their opinion about the case. An April 1, 2008, story in the Wall Street Journal by Anita Raghavan entitled "Men Receiving Alimony Want a Little Respect" discussed this issue. See entire article at http://online.wsj.com/article_email/SB1207 00651883978623-lMyQjAxMDI4MDA3MTAwM D E 2 W j . h t m l# The article reminded me that although it has been 30 years since the U.S. Supreme Court ruled against gender discrimination in alimony, it is only recently that I have seen more cases in which the

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Husband receives alimony. The article points out that "Divorce experts say that fewer and fewer men are rejecting outright any talk of seeking alimony. The percentage of alimony recipients who are male rose to 3.6% during the five years ending in 2006, up from 2.4%, in the previous five-year period, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. That percentage is likely to rise as more and more marriages feature a primary earner who is female. In 2005 (the latest year for which data are available), wives out earned their husbands in 33% of all families, up from 28.2% a decade earlier." The article goes on to say that "Today, men in growing numbers are receiving alimony for the classic reasons that women traditionally did. A common argument is that they sacrificed their careers for the sake of their wives'. The article confirms what I had found that Wife's feel that Husbands who want alimony are "deadbeats." I remember a case where the Husband did not receive alimony but did receive a larger property settlement. I ran into the Wife a few later who informed me that she remarried and this time her Husband had a job! I was fascinated that Ms. Raghavan said that "Some feminists say cases (in which the Husband receives alimony) show progress of a sort. 'We can't assert rights for women and say that men aren't entitled to the same rights,' says the famous feminist lawyer, Gloria Allred... It did not surprise me that many women who paid alimony to their Husband said that they felt financially raped." Wives paying alimony maybe on the unforseen consequences of greater equality in the workforce. As women are paid what they deserve and are not prevented from higher level jobs, they will earn more than their Husbands and there will be more claims for alimony by Husbands. It is yet to be seen if this trend is a good or bad thing. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce

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Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 4/9/08

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Alimony Questions
April 07, 2008 One of the first question I am asked is usually about alimony. Do I have to pay it? Will I get it? How long? How much? Why should I pay alimony if I dont want the divorce? These are difficult questions. Alimony varies from state to state. The Spring 2003 issue of the Family Advocate has an article by Virginia Dugan and Jon Feder which reviews alimony guidelines in many states. I was always amazed to read that "Texas requires a 10-year marriage for post divorce maintenance except in the case of disability. Support is limited to $2,500 per month for a period not to exceed three years." The underlying question is what is the purpose of alimony? The American Law Institutes Principles of the Law of Family Dissolution: Analysis and Recommendations is an excellent scholarly discussion of many divorce law issues, including alimony. It seems to say that current purpose of alimony should be compensatory. A spouse should be put in the same position he or she would have been if he or she had not married. But it also says that the spouse should be compensated for his or her work in increasing or decreasing the wealth of the couple. The historic notion of alimony being punitive or having the spouse being maintained in the life style he or she was accustomed to is less prevalent. In the end I have found it is either up to the judge to decide by his or her own formula or for the couple to decide what is acceptable. Read our next blog on men receiving alimony and Wall Street Journal article at h t t p : / / o n l i n e . w s j .com/wsjgate?subURI=%2Farticle%2FSB12 0700651883978623-email.html&nonsubURI =%2Farticle_email%2FSB120700651883978

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623-lMyQjAxMDI4MDA3MTAwMDE2Wj.html As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 4/7/08

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Two TV Remotes are Better Than One! - Marriage Tips


April 04, 2008

(h t t p : / / 2 . b p . b l o g s p o t . c o m / _ j F 4 C I p j V n x w / S B O W 1 y d J Y 8 I / A A A A A A A

There are many minor irritant in a marriage. There are many simple things that can be done to avoid them. One that I have found is to it get his and her remotes for the television. It avoids the problem of fighting over the remote. You still must problem solve which shows to watch! Do you have any tips? As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 4/4/08
A A C E / 8 O O B R d A p l j k / s 1 6 0 0 - h / t v + r e m o t e s . j p g)

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Google Pyramid
April 02, 2008 It is interesting to see how many hits a given name or topic gets on Google and how these compare to other names and topics. It is a way of seeing what people are interested in. I ran a few and came up with the following Google Pyramid. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 4/2/08

3,790 - Walter Marcus 464,000 ----Divorce Mediation 2,140,000------------Tucson Arizona 68,500,000 -------------------------- Divorce 84,000,000 -----------------------------------Obama 240,000,000 ------------------------------------------ Bush 2,700,000,000 --------------------------------------------- Google

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Divorce Causes - Lovers and Other Strangers


March 31, 2008 Long before I even heard of Divorce Mediation, I saw a 1970 movie called "Lovers and Other Strangers" in which Diane Keaton made her motion-picture debut. Keatons character is a young naf divorcing her husband because his hair no longer smells like raisins. I have always joked about this being an absurd reason to get divorce but perhaps it is not. The old joke is the major cause of divorce is marriage. I have of course seen numerous divorces based on infidelity and money problems. I previously mentioned incompatibility. See blog "Rabbi Casts Wide Net in Matchmaker Role - In the News." In the end I have always felt that lack of communications and the ability to grow together are the main causes of divorce. I would be interested in any comments about why people get divorced. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 3/31/08

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Study Links Marriage Stress, Risk of Hypertension - In the News


March 29, 2008 It probably comes as no surprise but it is helpful to confirm that couples with more marital satisfaction have lower blood pressure. This was reported in a March 21, 2008, Associated Press story in the Arizona Star entitled Study Links Marriage Stress, Risk of Hypertension. See the entire article at h t t p : / / w w w . a z s t a r n e t . c o m / n e w s / 2 3 0 6 8 1 The article discusses a study by Julianne Holt-Lunstad, an assistant psychology professor at Brigham Young University. Her study was reported online Thursday by the Annals of Behavioral Medicine. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 3/29/08

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Divorce Lessons I Have Learned


March 27, 2008 After more than 35 years of working with people who are getting divorced, it is not surprising that I have learned a lot about divorce and the people who are getting a divorce. I have come to believe that it should be harder to marry and easier to divorce. There should be more premarital counseling. Premarital counseling will be the subject of a future blog. It is harder to get a drivers license than a marriage license. Perhaps premarital counseling should be required before a couple could get married. It would help if a couple at least considered if did not agree on issues of finances, employment, children, sex, social life, and many other areas before they got married. We have not done any premarital mediation but it might be helpful. I have also learned that the things which you think are the cause of the break up may actually be a failed effort to save the marriage. I very often see couples who just had a child or just bought a house and are now getting divorced. At first I thought the new child or house caused the divorce but have come to understand, the new child or house was actually and effort to save a failing marriage. When the new child or new house did not save the marriage, the couple gets divorced. Some couples are better able to live together without being married than living together married. For some couples the dynamics of their relationship changes when they get married. I dont know if they feel they dont have to try as hard or there is no easy escape. I have seen numerous couples who have lived together for years and then get divorced after a short marriage. Perhaps this is another example

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of an effort to save a failing relationship. The things which attracted you will eventually drive you crazy. For example, a woman likes a man who when they are dating takes charge. He picks the restaurants, the movies and other items. After they get married, the woman feels this is controlling. Often when a couple comes to me and one spouse wants the divorce and the other spouse does not want the divorce, I ask the spouse that does not want the divorce, "Do you want to be married to your spouse or do you want to just be married because you dont want to be alone?" More often than not the person just wants to be married. This realization usually helps both parties. The evidence for this proposition, is that the person who does not want to get divorced is usually the party who remarries first. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 3/27/08

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Beatle Divorce II
March 25, 2008

(h t t p : / / 3 . b p . b l o g s p o t . c o m / _ j F 4 C I p j V n x w / R - h w b k 5 2 u s I / A A A A A A A A A A 8 / t I c d Z B _ K K Q 4 / s 1 6 0 0 - h / 2 4 h e a t h e r . 6 0 0 . j p g)

Some times a picture says it all but if not see the entire article and the drawing by Priscilla Coleman from in March 24, 2008 New York Times at the following link: h t t p : / / w w w . n y t i m e s . c o m / 2 008/03/24/business/media/24heather.html? ex=1364011200&en=caefced5c4a998df&ei= 5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 3/25/08 -

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Rabbi Casts Wide Net in Matchmaker Role - In the News


March 23, 2008 Very often when I am doing a divorce mediation, I ask myself, "Why did this couple ever get married? They were always incompatible." I sometimes even ask the couple why. I remember a client saying that she knew it was mistake from the beginning but the other person was persistent or he was embarrassed not to get married. The March 17, 2008, article in the Arizona Star by Stephanie Innes entitled "Rabbi Casts Wide Net in Matchmaker Role"reminded me of the question of incompatible couples. See the entire article at h t t p ://www.azstarnet.com/sn/mailstory-clickthr u / 2 2 9 9 7 8 . p h p The article discusses Rabbi Robert Eisen of the Conservative Congregation Anshei Israel who is offering his congregants free subscriptions to JDate an Internet dating service for Jewish singles. He's tapping into his own bank account to fund the endeavor. He says, "We're a fractured society. I want to encourage people to take a look at the big picture and give them a chance to meet people with the same values, same approach to life." Eisen is a proponent of marriages between two people of the same religion, saying they have a much lower divorce rate than couples who marry outside their faith. "Marriage is hard enough. If you start with a common vocabulary and values, it's easier to maintain that marriage," Eisen said. "It's the Jewish mother coming out in me." One of the things Rabbi Eisen is promoting is more compatible marriages and thus fewer divorces. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll

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located below the directions. WM 3/23/08

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Divorce Proverbs and Aphorisms


March 21, 2008 When I mediate I often use a proverb or aphorism. In particular, I use one, my father always used when my sister and I were fighting over the last piece of cake. My father use to say, "One shall divide and the other shall choose." I never thought till now, where my fathers words came from and it is too late to ask him. However, I did check the internet and found it came from James Harrington (January 3, 1611-September 11, 1677) who was an English political theorist of classical republicanism who is best known for his controversial work, "The Commonwealth of Oceana." I was surprised that the actual quote dealt with cake! It reads as follows: " For example, two of them have a cake yet undivided which was given between them that each of them therefore may have that which is due. Divide, says one to the other, and I will choose, or let me divide, and you shall choose. If this be but once agreed upon, it is enough, for the divider dividing unequally loses in regard that the other takes the better half. Wherefore, she divides equally and so both have right." This has lead me to put together the following list of other useful proverbs and aphorisms, some of which I found at h t t p : / / w w w . p h r a s e s . o r g . u k / m e a n i n g s / p r o v e r b s . h t m l . As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located at the below the directions. List any proverbs or aphorisms you think I left off my list. WM 3/21/08

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Divorce Proverbs and Aphorisms A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step A leopard cannot change its spots A little knowledge is a dangerous thing Actions speak louder than words All good things come to he who waits All that glitters is not gold An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure As you sow so shall you reap Ask no questions and hear no lies Barking dogs seldom bite Beauty is in the eye of the beholder Fairness is in the eye of the beholder Beggars can't be choosers Better late than never Better safe than sorry Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don't Charity begins at home Comparisons are odious Count you blessings Discretion is the better part of valor Do as you would be done by Do unto others as you would have them do unto you Don't bite the hand that feeds you Don't burn your bridges behind you Don't count your chickens before they are hatched Don't cross the bridge till you come to it Don't look a gift horse in the mouth

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Don't make unimportant things important Don't put all your eggs in one basket Don't rock the boat Don't run when they're not chasing you. Don't try to walk before you can crawl Don't upset the apple-cart Doubt is the beginning not the end of wisdom Easy come, easy go Enough is as good as a feast Enough is enough Every dark cloud has a silver lining Every dog has his day Every man has his price Every stick has two ends Failing to plan is planning to fail Familiarity breeds contempt Finders keepers, losers weepers First things first Fools rush in where angels fear to tread Forewarned is forearmed Fortune favors the brave God helps those who help themselves Good fences make good neighbors Good things come to those who wait Great minds think alike Half a loaf is better than no bread Hard work never did anyone any harm Haste makes waste He who hesitates is lost

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He who laughs last laughs longest He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword He who pays the piper calls the tune Hindsight is always twenty-twenty History repeats itself If God had meant us to fly he'd have given us wings If a job is worth doing it is worth doing well If at first you don't succeed try, try and try again If life deals you lemons, make lemonade If the mountain won't come to Mohammed, Mohammed must go to the mountain If wishes were horses beggars would ride If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't beat em, join em If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery In the kingdom of the blind the one eyed man is king Into every life a little rain must fall It goes without saying It never rains but it pours It takes a thief to catch a thief It takes one to know one It's better to give than to receive It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness It's never too late It's no use locking the stable door after the horse has bolted It's not worth crying over spilt milk It's the early bird that gets the worm

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It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease Keep your powder dry Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and, you weep alone Laughter is the best medicine Let bygones be bygones Let not the sun go down on your wrath Let sleeping dogs lie Let the punishment fit the crime Life begins at forty Life is what you make it Lightening never strikes twice in the same place Live for today for tomorrow never comes Look before you leap Love is blind Make love not war Man does not live by bread alone Marry in haste, repent at leisure Mighty oaks from little acorns grow Misery loves company Money doesn't grow on trees Money makes the world go round Money talks Nature abhors a vacuum Necessity is the mother of invention Never judge a book by its cover Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today No man is an island No one can make you feel inferior without your consent No rest for the wicked

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Nothing is certain but death and taxes Oil and water don't mix One good turn deserves another Opportunity only knocks once Out of sight, out of mind People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones Possession is nine tenths of the law Practice makes perfect Pride comes before a fall Procrastination is the thief of time Put your best foot forward Rome wasn't built in a day Spare the rod and spoil the child Talk is cheap That which does not kill us makes us stronger The cobbler always wears the worst shoes The darkest hour is just before the dawn The early bird catches the worm The ends justify the means The means are more important than the end The exception which proves the rule The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world The longest journey starts with a single step The more things change, the more they stay the same The proof of the pudding is in the eating The way to a man's heart is through his stomach There are none so blind as those, that will not see There but for the grace of God go I There's always more fish in the sea

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There's more than one way to skin a cat There's no place like home There's no smoke without fire There's no such thing as a free lunch There's no time like the present There's none so deaf as they that will not hear Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it Those who sleep with dogs will rise with fleas Time and tide wait for no man Time is a great healer To err is human, to forgive divine Too many cooks spoil the broth Truth is stranger than fiction Two heads are better then one Two wrongs don't make a right We are often saved by the craziness of others Where there's a will there's a way Worrying never did anyone any good You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink You can't get blood out of a stone You can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs You can't teach an old dog new tricks You can't tell a book by looking at its cover You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar

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Beatle Divorce Costs McCartney $48.7 Million - In the News


March 19, 2008 As a Beatle fan, I was curious and sad to read about Paul McCartneys divorce. See Reuters article published on March 17, 2008 entitled "McCartney Divorce Costs Beatle $48.7 Million at h t t p://www.reuters.com/article/topNews/idUS L178643720080317?feedType=RSS&feedNa m e = t o p N e w s or at h t t p : / / w w w . r e u t e r s . c o m / a r t i cle/topNews/idUSL178643720080317?rpc=2 8. The amount of the settlement seems very high for a short term marriage but perhaps as a percentage of his total worth of $800 million perhaps it is small. We often read about these high profile divorces but rarely read about high profile meditations. I am not sure it is because there are not many high profile divorce mediations or high profile couples choose mediation because it is more confidential and we dont hear about the results. It is unfortunate that more people dont read about mediation as an option. If more people read about mediation as an option to divorce, I believe more people would choose it. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 3/19/08

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Divorce Books
March 17, 2008 We are always on the look out for helpful books about divorce, family, and marriage.. These are some that we have found. Let us know if you have other good books. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, Tucson or Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 3/17/08

The Truth About Children and Divorce, Robert Emery, Ph.D., $24.95, Penguin Group USA, 2004 Were Still Family: What Grown Children Say About Their Parents Divorce, Constance Ahrons, Ph.D., $24.95, Harper-Collins, 2004 Divorce Book for Parents, Vicki Lasky, $5.99, Book Peddlers, 1996. Divorce & Money How to Make the Best Financial Decisions During Divorce, Violet Woodhouse and Victoria Collins, $26.95, Nollo Press. Divorce and New Beginnings: An Authoritative Guide to Recovery and Growth, Solo Parenting, and Stepfamilies, Genevieve Clapp, John Wiley & Sons, 1992. How It Feels When Parents Divorce, Jill Krementz, Alfred A. Knopf, 1988. The Kids' Book of Divorce, Eric Rofes, Vintage Books, 1981. Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Shared Custody Work, Isolina Ricci, Collier Books, 1997.

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Surviving the Breakup, Judith Wallerstein and Joan Berlin Kelly, Basic Books, 1980. Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships, Diane Vaughan, Vintage Books, 1990.

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Three Little Pigs Go to Mediation


March 15, 2008 The Red Cross has asked me to teach a workshop on Conflict Management. Presentations can be very boring if there is only a lecture. In an effort to make the workshop more interesting I did some research on the internet to find material. I came across a fun and informative video called "The Three Little Pigs Go to Mediation" by Department of Veterans Affairs. You can see the video at h t t p : //www.va.gov/orm/Mediation/Pigs_all_scen e s . s w f As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 3/15/08

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Divorce Study of Results


March 13, 2008 One day when we were taking a walk, Mary asked me about results in divorce cases. We realized that opinions about the results in divorce cases were anecdotal and based on the experience of the person giving his or her opinion. As a result we conducted a statistically significant study of the outcomes of divorces in Connecticut. We compared 200 adversary cases to 200 mediated cases. You can see the article about the results of our study at our website at h t t p : / / w w w . c e n t e r - d i v o r c e - m e d i a t i o n .com/AZ%20divorce%20mediation%20study _ o f _ d i v o r c e _ o u t c o m e s 1 . h t m As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 3/13/08

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Collaborative Practice - In the News


March 12, 2008 A December 19, 2007, Associated Press story entitled "Lawyers and Clients Collaborate on Kinder, Gentler Divorces" reminded me to discuss Collaborative Practice. See article at h t t p : / / w w w . i h t.com/articles/ap/2007/12/19/america/NAG E N - U S - G e n t l e r - D i v o r c e . p h p. Also see the website of the International Academy of Collaborative Practice at h t t p : / / w w w . c o l l a b o r a t i v e p r a c t i c e . c o m /. I strongly believe that clients should make an informed choice of the divorce process that works best for them. It may adversary, mediation or collaboration. Collaborative Practice assists divorcing clients when adversary divorce or mediation is unsuitable to reach a negotiated settlement. Collaborative Practice uses cooperative rather than adversarial strategies. The guiding principle is the commitment to avoid court and the threat of litigation to reach settlement of their cases. A key factor that distinguishes Collaborative Practice from other ways of obtaining a divorce is that the parties and the attorneys agree that the attorneys will withdraw from the case if it becomes adversarial. I believe that as much effort should be exerted toward settlement as is traditionally spent in preparing and conducting a trial. The goal of Collaborative Practice is to minimize the negative economic, social, and emotional consequences of protracted litigation on the participants and their families. Client who use Collaborative Practice can rely on their attorneys and counselors for guidance, but they also rely on their own creativity and integrity to reach an agreement that will provide a strong foundation for the future well-being of their post-divorce family. Each

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party is represented by an independent attorney who together with the client works with the other spouse and his or her attorney in four-way conferences to achieve an equitable settlement. All professional advisors including accountants, therapists, appraisers, and financial planners, are hired jointly by the divorcing couple and provide expert advice to support the achievement of a fair settlement. While this approach cannot alter the underlying differences that have led the couple to consider divorce, an honest exchange of information and commitment to consider the needs and concerns of all parties involved in the divorce, including the children, leads most couples to a satisfying agreement without resorting to a courtroom battle. There are different approaches to Colaborative Practice. You should discuss with your Collaborative Practice professional the different options. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 3/12/08

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Proxy Marriage - In the News


March 11, 2008 Usually, I write about mediation or divorce but a recent article by Dan Barry entitled "Trading Vows in Montana, No Couple Required" in the March 10, 2008 issue of the New York Times caught my eye. See the entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/10/us/10l and.html?=1362888000&en=91fd0351ad356 15a&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=p e r m a l i n k. Apparently it all began five years ago, when a soldier from Montana, serving in Iraq, wanted to marry his Italian girlfriend. Montana has a little used law which allowed proxy marriages. There is now even a website called h t t p : / / w w w . m a r r i a g e b y p r o x y . c o m /. The war in Iraq seems to be the main reason for most of the marriages. The law has recently been amended to require that one party in a double-proxy marriage be either a Montana resident or a member of the armed forces on active duty. The marriages are recognized in every state but Iowa. Perhaps next we can do proxy mediations or proxy divorces! As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 3/11/08

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Religious Divorce and Annulment


March 10, 2008 When we mediate divorce cases, we focus most of our time on the classic issues of marital property, support, and parenting. For many couples, however, there is also the issue of a religious divorce. Jewish couples may ultimately want to obtain a Jewish divorce or "Get" and Catholic couples, usually without children, may want to obtain a church Annulment. The main reason for obtaining a Get or Annulment is so that either party may remarry in a religious ceremony. As mediators we facilitate discussion about the issues of religious divorce and provide information and resources about Gets and Annulments to those who request them. We mediate the issues relating to the Get and annulment and include what the couple decides, in the Mediation Agreement. It is easier to do this when the couple obtains their civil divorce and the parties are implementing the other aspects of their divorce. Later, the couple may be geographically separated or not as willing to work on the issue for a variety of reasons. The process, but not the court, are very similar for obtaining a Get and an Annulment. The religious divorce process is very similar to the spirit of mediation . A Get is actually a writ of divorce. A Get is required when a Jewish couple wishes to religiously dissolve their marriage. A Get is not required when only one spouse is Jewish. The Husband asks a trained scribe to write the Get. The Husband gives the Wife the Get in the presence of a rabbinical tribunal (Beth Din) of three individuals and two witnesses. The Wifes acceptance of the Get makes the divorce final. It is not an adversary procedure. The Get

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makes no reference to responsibility, fault, or details of the settlement. The Rabbi issues a certificate of proof (ptur) attesting to the fact that a Get was properly drawn up, delivered and accepted. In order to obtain an Annulment, the couple must demonstrate that factors necessary for a valid marriage did not exist. These include three criteria: (1) A defect of canonical form such as being married by a justice of the peace or Protestant minister without getting permission from a Bishop. (2) An impediment such as being underage or marrying someone who was previously married whose marriage was not annulled. (3) The lack of consent due to mental illness, abuse of alcohol or drugs or physical abuse. The party or parties petition for the Annulment saying the marriage is invalid. Consistent with mediation, the parties do not seek to blame each other. The religious tribunal seeks information which confirms the statements of the petitioners. If the decision is in favor of Annulment, it must be reviewed by another tribunal of at least three judges. If the second court agrees, a decree of nullity is issued and both parties are free to re-marry in the Church. The Mediation Agreement should include language that the parties will not contest, but will cooperate in obtaining the Annulment or the Get, and in providing the information required to file for the Annulment or Get. The Mediation Agreement should include a reasonable time within which the Annulment or Get will be obtained. There should not be a penalty clause in the Mediation Agreement for lack of cooperation in obtaining the Get, as the process must be voluntary. The Mediation Agreement will normally state how the parties will pay for obtaining an Annulment and the Get. As the Annulment and Get do not address the details of the settlement, the Mediation Agreement should have other provisions, if the couple

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wishes, that deal with other religious issues. These would include issues concerning religious education, confirmation, bar or bat mitzvah, weddings, funerals, and holidays. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 3/10/08

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Websites That Are Helpful


March 07, 2008 We are always on the look out for helpful websites. These are some that we have found. Let us know if you have other good websites. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 3/7/08 Arizona, State of Home Page - h t t p : / / a z . g o v / Arizona Chapter of Association for Conflict Resolution www.mediate.com/acrarizona Census - www.census.gov/dmd/www/2khome.htm Child Support Guidelines Booklet www.supreme.state.az.us/dr/childsup/drguide.htm College Saving Program for Arizona - h t t p : / / a r i z o n a . c o l l egesavings.com/ College, University of Arizona, cost - h t t p : / / c o l l e g e s e a r c h.collegeboard.com/search/CollegeDetail.j sp?match=true&collegeId=987&type=qfs&w ord=university%20of%20arizona Consumer Price Index, Cost of Living Index www.bls.gov/cpi/home.htm Court for Pima County Home Page - h t t p : / / w w w . s c . p i m a . gov/ Court Directions for Pima County - www.cosc.co.pima.az.us/home Court forms - www.supreme.state.az/selfserv/forms.htm Court for status of your case www.agave.cosc.pima.gov/publicdocs Credit reports

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Experian 1-888-Experian (formerly TRW) h t t p : / / w w w . e x p e r ian.com/ Equifax 1-800-685-1111 h t t p : / / w w w . e q u i f a x . c o m / Trans Union Corporation 1-800-916-8800 h t t p : / / w w w . t r a n s union.com/ Home valuations - h t t p : / / w w w . h o m e g a i n . c o m / or h t t p://www.zillow.com/ Internal Revenue Service - h t t p : / / w w w . i r s . g o v / Kelley Blue Book for automobile values - h t t p : / / w w w . k b b . c om/ Mortgage Journal - Rates & Calculators - h t t p : / / w w w . m o r t g agejournal.com/ Motor Vehicles, Department - www.azdot.gov/mvd Parenting Education Program Pima County- h t t p : / / 1 5 9 . 2 3 3 . 52/dnn Parenting Education Program brochure www.supreme.state.aza.us/dr/pdf/ped.pdf Revenue Services Department - h t t p : / / w w w . r e v e n u e . s t ate.az.us/ Social Security Administration - h t t p : / / w w w . s s a . g o v /

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Association for Conflict Resolution


March 06, 2008 We are members the Arizona Chapter of the Association for Conflict Resolution h t t p : / / w w w . m e d i a t e . c o m / a c r a r i z o n a / and the national Association for Conflict Resolution. On it website at h t t p : / / w w w . a c r n e t . o r g / it says that the Association for Conflict Resolution (ACR) is a professional organization dedicated to enhancing the practice and public understanding of conflict resolution. ACR represents and serves a diverse national and international audience that includes more than 6,000 mediators, arbitrators, facilitators, educators, and others involved in the field of conflict resolution and collaborative decision-making. Anyone interested in the field of conflict resolution is welcome to join a local chapter or the national organization. We strongly believe it is necessary to support these organizations in order to further the practice of mediation. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located at the below the directions. WM 3/6/08

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Helping Children
March 05, 2008 The following is some of the material we include in our Divorce Mediation Notebook. I cant remember where I found it. Helping children in divorce is one of the reasons I started doing mediation and is my top priority in working with parents. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located at the below the directions. WM 3/5/08 8 STEPS FOR PARENTS AND CHILDREN FOUR STEPS TO HELP PARENTS COPE 1. Don't put on an act 2. Don't hesitate to discipline your child even when they are hurting 3. Set aside time for yourself 4. Find a way to vent your feelings FOUR STEPS TO HELP CHILDREN HEAL 1. Listen to what your children say and do not say 2. Validate your children's feelings 3. Reinforce your children's self-esteem and support system 4. Refrain from denigrating your spouse to your children TEN WAYS TO HELP CHILDREN DURING A DIVORCE Every aspect of a childs life can be made easier by the parents at the time of the divorce crisis. Parents should prepare their children for what lies ahead in as much concrete detail as possible. There is no way to prevent children from being distressed by their parents divorce; there are, however, important ways to help ease their fears and confusion:

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1. Parents should tell their children about the divorce as soon as it has become a firm decision. Think very carefully about how you announce the separation, for what you say or fail to say will be long remembered. Children have the right to understand why the separation is happening; it is often the major crisis in their lives. If possible, both parents should tell all the children at the same time. Children can genuinely help each other at this time and take courage from the support of their siblings. If there are wide differences in the childrens ages, the parents will want to talk later to each child separately on a level that the child can truly understand. 2. The parents should express their sadness about the breakup of the family because it will give the children necessary permission to mourn without having to hide their feelings of loss from the adults or from themselves. 3. The parents should present the decision to divorce as a solution that the parents reached together, after they had tried every other way they could think of to solve their differences. In this way, the adults can convey the sense that they are responsible, loving parents who remain committed to the children even though they have reluctantly decided to go their separate ways. 4. Parents should explain honestly that things will change. Life will be temporarily disorganized. Routines will be disrupted. One parent will be moving out of the home. The house may be sold, and the family may have to move to a new neighborhood. The mother, if not already doing so, may go back to school or take a part-time or full-time job. In short, the parents must make it clear that the divorce will bring many changes that the whole family will have to face and overcome.

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5. The parents should tell children of all major developments, as the family reorganizes. Children feel powerless at divorce and should be invited to make suggestions in matters concerning them. Adults should seriously consider these suggestions. They should be assured that they will have a say, for instance in setting up the visiting arrangements. Once the schedule is settled, it should be explained to the children in detail. The children should not, however, be made to feel responsible for making major decisions. The goal is to involve them appropriately so that they can feel that they are participating in working out a solution to the family crisis. 6. The parents should advise the children that the divorce will not weaken the bond between parent and child, even if they live apart. They need to be reassured that, though parents may divorce each other, they do not divorce their children. The children should be told realistically that everybody will have to work hard to maintain these important connections. 7. The parents must stress to the children that the divorce is not in any way the fault of the child. They must be assured that the problem existed strictly between the two adults. The children should never be allowed to assume guilt for causing the breakup. 8. The parents must state clearly that the divorce is an irrevocable decision and that the children should not and cannot waste their time and energy in the fruitless schemes and fantasies of bringing their parents back together. 9. The parents will want to make every effort to keep separate their own hurt, anger, and needs from the needs of their children. Children often have a right to their own feelings and should not be asked to take sides or be forced to wander a no-mans-land in the divorce war.

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10. Above all, both mother and father must give their children permission to love and maintain a relationship with the other parent. This may be the hardest task of all for the adults, but it can be done. With a caring, courageous effort on the part of each parent, the children, even in the midst of their turmoil can feel supported and loved. CHILD'S BILL OF RIGHTS I. The right of the child to be treated as an interested and affected person and not as a pawn. II. The right to grow up in the home environment that will best guarantee an opportunity to achieve mature and responsible citizenship. III. The right to the day-by-day love, care, discipline, and protection of the custodial parent. IV. The right to know the noncustodial or each parent having joint custody and to have the benefit of such parent's love and guidance through adequate visitation. V. The right to a positive and constructive relationship with both parents, with neither parent permitted to degrade the other in the child's mind. VI. The right to have moral and ethical values inculcated by precept and example, and to have limits set for behavior so that the child may develop self-discipline early in life. VII. The right to the most adequate level of economic support that can be provided by the efforts of both parents. VIII. The right to the same opportunities for education that the child would have had if the family unit had not been transformed. IX. The right to such periodic review of custodial arrangements and child-support orders as the parents' circumstances and the child's

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benefit require. X. The right to the recognition of the fact that children involved in a divorce are always disadvantaged parties, and the law must take affirmative steps to assure their welfare.

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How to Pick a Mediator


March 04, 2008 People always want to know how to pick a mediator. These are some thoughts on the subject. Most states do not license or credential or certify mediators. If a mediator says he or she has this status, I would look more into who is making the designation. Unfortunately, I have come across mediators who have meaningless credentials from companies who will sell the designation to anyone. However, the Association for Conflict Resolution (ACR) has an Advance Practitioner membership category. Advance Practitioner membership shows a commitment to mediation which usually indicates the person is a trained mediator. Ask if the mediator is an Advanced Practitioner member of the Association for Conflict Resolution. ACR has a website at h t t p : / / w w w . a c r n e t . o r g / which lists Advanced Practitioner members. Picking a mediator is like picking a spouse. If you are getting divorced, you may not have done a great job picking a spouse. You should not make the same mistake when picking a mediator. Look into the mediators background and experience. It is always a good idea to get a referral from someone who knows the mediator. You should consider asking the mediator some of the following other questions: How many cases have you mediated? What is your training? What was the last continuing education program you attended? Why did you become a mediator? What is your mediation format? The best mediators do not have a one-size-fits-all format. What is your mediation style? The best mediators are flexible, and will use different styles at different times and with different people,

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as appropriate. They may use facilative, evaluative or transformative mediation. What are the fees and are there administrative fees or other "hidden costs?" Different mediators have different ways of billing. Make sure that you know your mediator's billing practices in advance. Do they want a settlement in every case? Good mediators are committed to helping get cases settled whenever reasonably possible, but are not attached to settlement for settlement's sake. Ask the mediator whom they would recommend as a mediator. If you interview a few mediators, it is interesting if they would recommend each other. Remember, if you dont like your mediator, you can always change to a different mediator. You do not have to leave mediation. Finally, make sure your mediator has malpractice insurance. I am sure there are many other questions and criteria for picking a good mediator. Let us know if you have any suggestions. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located at the below the directions. WM 3/4/08

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Mediating Elder-Care Disputes - In the News


March 03, 2008 Although we mostly do Divorce Mediation, we also do other types of mediation and have successfully done elder care mediation. I enjoyed reading the Wall Street Journal Encore article by Tom Lauriella entitled "Mediating Elder-Care Disputes" which was reprinted in the March 2, 2008 Arizona Dailey Star. The entire article can be found at h t t p : / / o n l i n e . w s j . c o m / a r t i c l e / S B 1 2 0 4 4 1 2 7 9 4 4 8 0 0 5 7 2 3 . h t m l The article was especially meaningful to me as I work with my sister to make decisions about our 88 year old mother. It seems that most of my friends are dealing with how to care with elderly parents and many of my friends have difficulty with their siblings deciding what is best. Luricella suggests that mediation is a good way to handle "the complicated and emotionally charged decisions related to elder care." This is practical and useful advice for all of us who face the issues and problems of dealing with elderly parents and our siblings. Lauricella also discusses how to find a mediator. This will also be the subject of one of my next blogs. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located at the below the directions. WM 3/3/08

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Military Divorce - In the News


March 02, 2008 The March 2, 2008 Associated Press story "Military Divorce Rate Holds Steady" is an excellent article. See the entire article at h t t p : //www.azstarnet.com/allheadlines/227749. p h p The article states that the divorce rate in the armed forces has held steady at 3.3 percent. What was even more interesting were the programs the military sponsors to help marriages including a workshop to teach couples to manage conflict, solve problems and communicate better. This is very similar to what we offer when we do Marital Mediation. It would be wonderful if civilian couples took advantage of these type of programs as well. In the event the marriage cant be saved and there is a divorce it is important to be aware of the special issues raised by a Military Divorce. We learned more about Military Divorce when we attended the State Bar of Arizonas Advanced Family Law seminar in November. Tucson Attorney Patricia A. Green presented an excellent session on Military Divorce issues. She advised of a helpful book by Mark E. Sullivan entitled "The Military Divorce Handbook: A Practical Guide to Representing Military Personnel and Their Families." This issues are particularly important with the recent changes in the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act. We are all proud of all of our men and women in the military. They deserve all of our support whether it is of a military or personal nature. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located at the below the directions. WM 3/2/08

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Emotional Stages of Divorce - Kbler-Ross


February 29, 2008 Elisabeth Kbler-Ross, M.D. (July 8, 1926 August 24, 2004) was a psychiatrist and the author of the groundbreaking book On Death and Dying. She proposed the Five Stages of Grief as a pattern of phases, most or all of which people tend to go through, in sequence, after being faced with the tragedy of their own impending death. I believe these stages as modified also apply to Divorce and I share them with new clients. The Emotional Stages of Divorce are: Denial /Shock ANGER BARGAINING FEAR/GUILT/DEPRESSION ACCEPTANCE FORGIVENESS When a couple reaches ACCEPTANCE it is much easier to resolve the case. I know an adversary attoney who once said at a seminar that he files motions in a case to buy time until the couple gets to forgiveness. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located at the below the directions. WM 2/29/08

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Marriages of Limited Duration


February 27, 2008 We see in the news a lot about how marriage is defined. There is a bill in the Arizona legislature for a constitutional amendment to define marriage as between a man and a women. See article at h t t p://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/0212 g a y - m a r r i a g e 0 2 1 2 . h t m l. Arizona and other states have covenant marriages. To enter into a covenant marriage, the couple first must have premarital counseling from a member of the clergy or a marriage counselor. Then, when applying for a license to be married, both persons must show their intention to enter into a covenant marriage by signing a special statement (or "declaration") on the application form. In a covenant marriage, legal separation or divorce may be granted by the court only for specific reasons listed in state law. See more about covenant marriages at h t t p : / / w w w.supreme.state.az.us/dr/Text/Covenant.ht m It seems to me after having been a divorce mediator for 30 years that the person you marries is not always the same person you divorce. I have often thought that we should apply the same concept found in leases to marriage. A couple would not get married for life but for a set time with options to renew. If the couple did not renew, they would no longer be married. A novel but interesting idea. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located at the below the directions. WM 2/27/08

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Things I Would Like To Change In Divorce - Health Insurance, Mortgages, and Country Club Memberships
February 26, 2008 After working with divorcing clients for 30 years, I have a list of items which I would like to change and feel are inherently unfair. The first item is health insurance. When a couple divorces in every state I am aware of other than Massachusetts and Rhode Island, if a couple has family health insurance coverage, one of the parties must get individual coverage and one can keep the existing policy. Often this means the cost of health insurance doubles. All states should have the Massachusetts model which allows divorced parties to stay on the family coverage until one of the parties remarries. The second item is mortgages. When married couples get a mortgage to buy a home, they are both usually named on the mortgage. This is the case even when the mortgage is based on only one income. When the couple divorces and one party keeps the home, the bank will not usually allow the party who no longer owns the home to be taken off the mortgage. This requires the person who retains the home to refinance at a greater cost in order to remove the other party from the mortgage. If the person who retains the house otherwise qualifies, the bank should allow the parties to remove the name of the person from mortgage who is not retaining the home. Finally, country club memberships. When couples divorce, country clubs usually do not allow the couple to split the membership. Only the husband or wife is allowed to retain the membership. I often have a problem where only one party can take their children to the country club. If it is the father who retains the membership and the mother takes the children, she must drop

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them off and leave them unsupervised. All of the issues are currently decided in what is the best financial interest of the health insurance company, the bank, or the country club. The issues should be determined on what is the best interest of families. You can post a comment by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 2/26/08

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Divorce Movies
February 24, 2008 While preparing for our first program on Divorce TV about the culture of divorce, I put together the following list of movies about divorce. We also found an interesting law review article entitled "Divorce Goes to the Movies," in University of San Francisco Law Review, Volume 30, Number 4 (1996) by Ira Lurvey and Selise E. Eiseman. Some of our movies came from this article. See the entire article at h t t p : / / t a r l t o n . l a w . u t e x a s . e d u / l p o p / e t e x t / u s f / l u r v e y 3 0 . h t m Let us know if you can think of any other movies and any comments you have about them. You can post a comment by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 2/24/08 AFFAIR WITH A STRANGER (RKO 1953) ANNA KARENINA (1948) ANTARES (2004) AWFUL TRUTH, THE (Columbia 1937) (directed by Leo McCarey) BASIC INSTINCT 2 (2006) BLAME IT ON RIO (1984) BLUME IN LOVE (Warner Brothers 1973) (directed by Paul Mazursky). BROOD (1979) BYE BYE LOVE CELEBRITY (1998) CHINATOWN (Paramount/Long Road 1985)). CIMARRON (RKO 1931). COOLER (2003) COURTSHIP OF ANDY HARDY, THE (Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer

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1942) (directed by George B. Seltz), DARK WATER (2002) DAYBREAK (2005) DECISION OF CHRISTOPHER BLAKE, THE(Warner Brothers 1948). DESERT HEARTS (Desert Heart Productions 1985) (directed by Donna Deitch). DINNER WITH FRIENDS DIVORCE OF LADY X, THE (London Films 1938) (directed by Tim Whelen) DIVORCE - ITALIAN STYLE (Lux/Vides/Galatea 1962) DIVORCE AMERICAN STYLE (Columbia/Tandem 1967) DIVORCE HIS, DIVORCE HERS (1973) DIVORCEE, THE (Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer 1930) (directed by Robert Z. Leonard, 1930) DODSWORTH DODSWORTH (Samuel Goldwyn 1936) (directed by William Wyler, also featured Paul Lukas, David Niven and Mary Astor). DROWNING ON DRY LAND (1999) FALLING DOWN (1993) FOOL'S GOLD (2008) FOREVER DARLING (Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer/Zanra 1956) (starring Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz, directed by Alexander Hall). FOUR CHRISTMASES (2008) GAY DIVORCEE, THE (RKO 1934) (directed by Mark Sandrich, featuring Betty Grable and Edward Everett Horton as the lawyer) GOOD MOTHER, THE (Warner Brothers/Touchstone/Silver Screen Partners IV 1988) (directed by Leonard Nimoy) GUARDIAN (2006)

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HE MARRIED HIS WIFE (Twentieth Century Fox 1940) (directed by Roy Del Ruth). HEARTBREAKERS (2001) HEARTBURN (1986) HOUSE ARREST (1996) HOW TO COMMIT MARRIAGE (Cinerama 1969) (directed by Norman Panama). Bob Hope movie with Jane Wyman and Jackie Gleason, HUSBANDS AND WIVES (1992) I LOVE YOU AGAIN (Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer/Cosmopolitan 1940) (starring William Powell and Myrna Loy), IN NAME ONLY (RKO 1939) (directed by John Cromwell), Cary Grant INTERIORS (1978) IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES (Lantana/Warner Brothers 1984) (directed by Charles Shyer). JERSEY GIRL (2004) JOE SOMEBODY (2001) KRAMER VS. KRAMER (Columbia 1979) (directed by Robert Benton) LAWS OF ATTRACTION (2004) LIAR LIAR LOVER COME BACK (Universal 1946) (directed by William A. Seiter), MAN ON FIRE (Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer 1957) MANHATTAN (United Artists 1979) (directed by Woody Allen). MARRIAGE CIRCLE (1924) MARRYING KIND, THE (Columbia 1952) (directed by George Cukor; Judy Holliday and Aldo Ray.

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MCLINTOCK! (United Artists 1963) MEXICAN SPITFIRE OUT WEST (RKO 1940) MICKI & MAUDE (Columbia/Delphi III/B.E.E. 1984) (directed by Blake Edwards). MISFITS (1961) WIDESCREEN $7.15 MORGAN! (British Lion/Quintra 1966). MRS. DOUBTFIRE NEW DAUGHTER NINA'S TRAGEDIES (2005) NO PLACE FOR JENNIFER (ABPC 1949) NOTHING IN COMMON (1986) ONE MORE RIVER (Universal 1934) (directed by James Whale and featuring the film debut of Jane Wyatt). OUR WIFE (Columbia 1941) (directed by John M. Stahl), starred Melvyn Douglas PAYMENT ON DEMAND (RKO 1951). PEPPERMINT SODA (Films de L'Alma/Alexandre Films 1977) (directed by Diane Kurys). PLAY IT AGAIN, SAM (Paramount/APJAC/Rollins-Jaffe 1972) (directed by Herbert Ross). POWER AND THE GLORY, THE (Twentieth Century Fox 1933). PROZAC NATION (2003) QUESTION OF LOVE, A (Blinn/Thorpe Productions in association with Viacom 1978) (directed by Jerry Thorpe, starring Gena Rowlands, Ned Beatty, and Bonnie Bedelia) RARE BIRDS (2001) REUNION IN RENO (Universal 1951) RICH KIDS (Altman/Lion's Gate/United Artists 1979) (directed by Robert M. Young)

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RICH ARE ALWAYS WITH US, THE (Warner Brothers 1932) (directed by Alfred E. Green and featuring Bette Davis). SCENES FROM A MARRIAGE (Cinema 5 1973) (directed by Ingmar Bergman). SERVING SARA (2002) SHOOT THE MOON (Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer 1982), an extraordinary movie of raw emotional power directed by Alan Parker, and starring Albert Finney and Diane Keaton. SHOOT THE MOON (1981) SILENCE OF THE HEART (1984) SMASH PALACE (Aardvark Films 1981) SNOW ANGELS (2008) SQUID AND THE WHALE, THE (2005) STEPFORD WIVES (Fadsin/Palomar 1974) (directed by Brian Forbes). STEPMOM (1998) STEPMOM THE FIRST WIVES CLUB TRAVELLING HUSBANDS (RKO 1931). TWICE IN A LIFETIME (Yorkin Company 1985) (starring Gene Hackman and directed by Bud Yorkin). TWO JAKES, THE (Blue Dolphin/Paramount 1990) (directed by and starring Jack Nicholson in UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN (2003) UNMARRIED WOMAN WANT A DIVORCE (Paramount 1940) (directed by Ralph Murphy), Joan Blondell and Dick Powell WAR OF THE ROSES, THE (Fox/Gracie Films 1989) (directed by Danny De Vito).

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WEDDING CRASHERS (2005) WEDDING CRASHERS

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Fog of Divorce
February 21, 2008 Lessons about divorce can from other areas. The 2003 movie, "The Fog of War: Eleven Lessons from the Life of Robert S. McNamara is such an area. " Internet Movie Database says it is "a film about the former US Secretary of Defense and the various difficult lessons he learned about the nature and conduct of modern war." The movie won an Oscar in 2004 for Best Documentary. See more detail about the movie at Internet Movie Database h t t p : / / w w w . i m d b . c o m / t i t l e / t t 0 3 1 7 9 1 0 / I have adapted these eleven lessons to divorce below. As always, you can post a comment by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 2/22/08 The Fog of Divorce - Eleven Lessons 1. Empathize with your spouse. 2. Rationality will not save you. 3. There's something beyond one's self. 4. Maximize efficiency. 5. Proportionality should be a guideline in divorce. 6. Get the data. 7. Belief and seeing are both often wrong. 8. Be prepared to reexamine your reasoning. 9. In order to do good, you may have to do something you don't want to do. 10. Never say never. 11. You can't change human nature.

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What Are My Rights?


February 21, 2008 The most common question we are asked when a potential client telephones us about divorce mediation is "What are my rights?" It happened again this week. Obviously this reflects anxiety about the fear of the unknowns of divorce. This question is usually followed by the questions, "How much alimony must I pay or how much alimony will I get?" Clients want to be reassured that they will be financially ok. As mediators, we can not advise a person of his or her rights and maintain our neutrality. We tell him or her we have the answer to the question but if we answered it we would no longer be neutral. Although we dont answer the question we advise the client it would be helpful if he or she either seeks review counsel or the person and his or her spouse come in to see us together. We usually advise the person that if he or she seeks professional help he or she will not be financially devastated by the divorce. However, as the fixed cost being divorce are higher than the fixed cost of marriage and the amount of money available will be about the same, both parties will have less money to work with and will have a reduced life style. The party is not always satisfied with this answer. The person must decide whether they want a validation of his or her own opinion or want a truthful opinion. Parties should be aware of an attorney telling them what he or she wants to hear in order to get the case. There are no guaranteed results in a divorce case. We often in jest suggest the party get a written guarantee from the person advising them which includes the advisor paying if the person does not get what the advisor said the person would get. The results are even less predictable when a case goes to trial and

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a judge decides. There may be a range of results which are acceptable or a worse case and best case scenario but every case is a role of the dice. Better the devil you know than the devil you dont know. In divorce mediation the couple maintains control and decides their our results. This is safer and more satisfying. There is also what I call the peace benefit. The couple is better able to resolve problems in the future with out the help of a third party. What are your rights? It may be up to you. As always, you can post a comment by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 2/21/08

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When God and the Law Dont Square - In the News


February 18, 2008 An article in Sundays February 17, 2008 New York Times by Adam Liptak entitled " When God and the Law Dont Square ( entire article at h t t p : / / w w w . n y t i m e s . c o m / 2 0 0 8 / 0 2 / 1 7 / w e e k i n r e v i e w / 1 7 l i p t a k . ) brought to mind many thoughts and lead to a long discussion between Mary and me. Britains Archbishop of Canterbury commented in a recent interview that "a Western legal system should make room for Shariah or Islamic law." In particular, he seemed to be saying Shariah should apply to divorces. He seemed to single out divorce law and not other areas of the law. Why should it only apply to divorces? If it is good for divorces, shouldnt it be good for all areas of the law including criminal and corporate? The culture of origin of a couple has been an issue in many of the cases we have mediated. We point out to the couple that although they may have been married in another country, they are getting divorced in this country and must comply with the laws of the United States. The Archbishop seems to favor family law cases being resolved by religious courts if the parties agree. We have always liked that mediation allows for self determination but there must be some limits. The limits should include that the parties are treated fairly and that U.S. laws are not violated. We wonder whether allowing religious courts to adjudicate legal matters would lead to a chaotic patchwork of decisions and a fracturing of our societys social contract. We do not disagree that the parties should be able to make mutually

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agreed decisions about religious observance. For example, if the parties agree, we make provisions in our agreements that parties will cooperate in obtaining a Jewish Divorce also known as a "Get" or an annulment but the parties have never agreed to allow the religious court to do more than grant the divorce or annulment. For more discussion, the article refers to a law review article by Robin Fretwell Wilson "The Overlooked Costs of Religious Deference". Washington and Lee Law Review, Vol. 64, No. 4, 2007 h t t p : / / s s r n . c o m / a b s t r a c t = 1 0 2 8 7 7 6 . As always, you can post a comment by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 2/18/08

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Valentine's Day
February 14, 2008 Over the years, our clients have never scheduled divorce mediation appointments or court dates on Valentines Day. Even though they are getting divorced, they feel it is not appropriate to work on their divorce on Valentines Day. Maybe they are still a little romantic. I was trying to figure out how to say this in our blog when I read the following article in todays Arizona Star. I thought this was more interesting than what I had to say! WM 2/14/08

VALENTINE'S DAY BREAK: W. VA. RADIO STATION OFFERING FREE DIVORCE TO SOME LUCKY UNHAPPY COUPLE The Associated Press Arizona Star, Tucson, Arizona Published: 02.14.2008 CHARLESTON, W.Va. A Charleston radio station is observing Valentine's Day with a reminder that Cupid sometimes misses his mark. WKLC-FM, better known as Rock 105, is giving away a free divorce. Valentine's Day isn't all hearts and flowers, says WKLC Program Director Jay Nunley. There is a darker side, he said, "where maybe you despise your spouse and resent the entire day." Through 4 p.m. on Thursday, Valentine's Day, applications for the free divorce will be accepted on the classic rock station's Web site, www.wklc.com. The winning name will be drawn at 5 p.m. Nunley cautions that this is a real divorce and people shouldn't enter if they aren't serious. Also, people expecting a long, drawn-out legal battle should hire a lawyer because the Rock 105 contest is for

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a relatively uncomplicated divorce. Charleston attorney Rusty Webb will handle the actual filing. "Sure we can give away concert tickets, and we do," said Nunley. "That's going to make you happy for a little while. This is the chance to make someone happy for the rest of their life."

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Your Values or Your Child?

February 13, 2008 It was bound to happen. In a country so divided over what are the "right" values, with electoral politics focused on who should be allowed to marry, and whether evolution can be taught in the public schools without also teaching creationism, a New York Times front page story today reports on the increasing role of religion in child custody disputes. On February 13, a day sandwiched between Lincolns birthday with its discussions of freedom and Valentines Day with its paeans to love, the New York Times article tells of judges increasingly being asked to rule on whether a parents religious beliefs make him/her suitable to parent his/her child. Whats next? Are we going to have divorce court judges being asked to rule on whether a father who hunts or a mother who is a vegan can have joint custody of their children? How about if a parent is pro-life or pro-choice? Should the judge in a custody matter be asked to take that into account when determining what is in the childs best interest? Whats worse for a child, being exposed to religious practices the other parent finds abhorrent or endless parental squabbling over issues large and small? MGM 2/13/08. See the entire New York Times article by Neela Banerjee at http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/13/us/13custody.html?ex=1360645200&e

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Breaking Up is Hard to Do, But Need it Destroy You? - In the News


February 13, 2008 There was an informative article in the December 5 2007, Arizona Star by Jakob Hanes entitled "Breaking Up is Hard to Do, But Need it Destroy You?" See the entire article at h t t p : / / w w w . a z s t a r n e t . c o m / s n / b y a u t h o r / 2 1 4 8 2 4 Hanes discusses an ongoing study at the University of Arizona by Assistant Professor of Clinical Psychology, David Sbarra, examining the physical responses people have when they think about their breakup. It is no surprise that the study found that bad breakups are associated with weakened immune systems, increase rates of colds and other illnesses and high blood pressure. People also became depressed and confused about life. One of the reasons we favor divorce mediation is that it helps reduce the pain of divorce and the divorce process. We see divorce mediation as a growth experience and an opportunity for a person to move on with their life and make it better. WM 2/13/08

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Dating
February 12, 2008 Another question I am frequently asked when I begin a divorce mediation is "When can I start dating?" It helps if both parties want to start dating. It is very hurtful if one of the parties does not want to start dating. I am reminded of a couple I was working with a few years ago. They both asked me when they could start dating. I gave my usual advice that if the marriage was truly over they could start dating but they should be discrete. Even if a couple is divorcing, a party can get angry when they see their spouse with someone else. This makes the mediation more difficult. The couple understood this. Two weeks later they came back for their next mediation session. As always I asked how things were going and they both gave me a "sheepish" look. They explained that they took my advice about dating and decided they would have a dinner date in New York City where they would avoid their spouse. Unfortunately, they both picked the same restaurant at the same time and were seated at adjoining tables! It still worked out and they were happily divorced a few months later. WM 2/12/08

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Divorce and Presidents


February 11, 2008 Those of you who know me know that I am fascinated (some might say obsessed) with Presidential trivia. I have read a biography of every President and own over 300 biographies of Presidents. As a family we have visited a historic site for every President. The first Presidential race I remember is 1952. Stevenson lost the race to Eisenhower. One of the facts of that race which is not always remembered was that Stevenson was the first major party candidate who was divorced. In 1928 Stevenson married Ellen Borden, one of Chicago's most attractive debutantes. In 1949, less than a year after Stevenson became governor of Illinois, his wife sued for divorce. It is said she still voted for him for President. See an August 1952 article from Time Magazine. h t t p : / / w w w . t i m e . c o m / t i m e / m a g a z i n e / a r t i c l e / 0 , 9 1 7 1 , 8 2 2 3 7 8 , 0 0 . h t m l It was considered a major liability to be divorced and run for President. It was not until Ronald Reagan ran and won in 1980 that we elected a divorced President. He married fellow actress Jane Wyman on January 24, 1940 and they divorced in 1948. It may have helped that he remarried Nancy Reagan in 1953. After Reagan, the divorce issue seemed not to be as important. Kerry was divorced and remarried when he ran in 2004. McCain is divorced and remarried. Giuliani was divorced twice and remarried. See an interesting article about in the March 11, 2007 New York Times, "Voters Accept Divorced Candidates, but They Have Limits, " by Joyce Purnick at h t t p : / / w w w . n y t i m e s . c o m / 2 0 0 7 /03/11/weekinreview/11purnick.html?ex=13 31269200&en=c781aa02a6a50b5a&ei=5124

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&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink As always, you can post a comment by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 2/11/08

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Why I Became A Mediator


February 10, 2008 This comes under the category of questions I am asked. I am often asked why I became a mediator. People say it is difficult or very emotional to work with people who are getting divorced. Why would you want to work with people getting a divorce? I became an attorney because I wanted to go into politics and not because I wanted to practice law. For years I was in a general law practice. I was spread too thin and did little which I took pride in or gave me professional satisfaction. When clients had great cases, they took them to a specialist. I had done a divorce mediation case referred to me by a friend, Dr. Donald Cohen. His father and Lenard Marlow did divorce mediation in New York and needed a Connecticut attorney to finish the case. Later, when my Wife asked me what I would like to specialize in, I said that I had enjoyed doing the divorce mediation. She suggested I pursue it. I trained with Zena Zumeta and Carl Schneider and started getting more cases. I helped found an organization of divorce mediators in Connecticut, the Connecticut Council for Divorce Mediation, and worked to help change the culture of divorce. I continue to do all these things and more. I found that divorce mediation fit my personality. I was a better mediator than I was an attorney. I saw both sides of issues and did not have to advocate a position I did not agree with. I also became a father during the early days of my mediation career. As a parent and an attorney/mediator, I found I did not like being part of an adversary process which destroyed children. I also found that I was helping people. My clients came out of the divorce better than they came in. They left the baggage of a bad marriage behind and

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were better able to communicate with the ex-spouse. They were better able to parent their children. They were able to move on. Helping them was very satisfying. There was also self selection in the client population. The people who chose mediation were not as angry and were more willing to work out an amicable divorce settlement. They were problem solvers and not negotiators. Finally, I got to meet with other mediators. My colleagues were people I liked and enjoyed spending time with. As always, let me know what you think. If you are a mediator, why you became a mediator. You can post a comment by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 2/10/08

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Predictors of a Successful Mediation


February 09, 2008 We are often asked if a mediation will be successful. The following is a list we use which is a helpful predictor. Post a comment for more details or to tell us what you think of you think are good predictors or your experience. Directions on how to post a comment are in the first blog comment. WM 2/9/08 POSITIVE SIGNS IN COUPLES + Desire for amicable post-divorce relationship. + Willingness to make own decisions + Desire for fairness. + Willingness to give and take. + Ability to regulate intense emotions + Children's well-being is more important than financial results of divorce. NEGATIVE SIGNS IN COUPLES - Lack of trust that other person will live up to the agreement. - Desire for revenge. - Spousal or child abuse. - Substance abuse. - Only goal is to save money. - Little concern about impact of divorce on children.

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Co-mediation
February 08, 2008 Over the years we have found the balance of two mediators often makes each member of the couple feel more comfortable. We offer couples the choice of one mediator or co-mediation. Many couples prefer the balance of a male and female mediator and the added insights these trained mediators with legal and mental health backgrounds bring to the process. The greater understanding of psychological dynamics that a therapist-mediator brings to divorce mediation is very useful in overcoming blockages in the process. When custody issues exist, the input of the psychologist-mediator helps regarding children's reactions to divorce and the potential impact of various custody arrangements on children. The modeling by mediators of a wife and husband and a father and mother help a couple. We can show how you can disagree with respect and understanding. Post a comment for more details or to tell us what you think of Co-mediation. Directions on how to post a comment are in the green column on the right or at the bottom of this page. WM 2/8/08

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Marital Mediation
February 07, 2008 We encourage couples having trouble with marital issues to use mediation to reach a legal agreement addressing those issues, thereby strengthening the marriage. The couple jointly hires us to act not as a lawyer or counselor for either, but as a mediator. During a series of meetings the couple works with us to identify their issues and work out a mutually satisfactory plan to address them, including exchange of financial information and whatever sharing of responsibility they consider best for them. Both are free to consult with a lawyer, financial planner or other advisor at any time. The process is designed to help the couple strengthen their marriage by negotiating and then signing a legally enforceable contract. Once an agreement is reached, we draft a Marital Mediation Agreement for each spouse to review with his or her legal advisor before signing. The Agreement may be enforced in various ways. Marital Mediation works only if the couple is willing to make a good faith effort to reach agreement. There is no legal obligation to agree. Any commitment to mediation and to make the resulting agreement work comes voluntarily from the couple. The process of negotiating and writing a legal agreement can change behavior in a couple's relationship. Creating personal solutions enhances marital satisfaction allowing the marriage to continue. Marital Mediation also leads to a reduction in marital conflict, helping children. We will be giving a talk at the Tucson Saguaro Rotary club on February 26, 2008. Post a comment for more details or to tell us what you think of Marital Mediation. Directions on how to post a

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comment are in the first blog comment. WM 2/7/08

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Divorce Songs
February 06, 2008 While researching a theme song for the Divorce TV program I came up with the following list of divorce songs. Let me know what you think would be a good theme song and if you have any other suggestions. Directions on how to make a comment are contained in our first blog posting. WM 2/6/08 1. Love Stinks - J. Geils Band 2. Goodbye To You - Scandal 3. I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor 4. Go Your Own Way - Fleetwood Mac 5. 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover - Paul Simon 6. Hit the road jack - Ray Charles 7. You're So Vain - Carly Simon 8. The Thrill Is Gone - B.B. King 9. Time For Me To Fly - REO Speedwagon 10. Release Me - Engelbert Humperdinck 11. Sail On - Commodores 12. Harden My Heart - Quarterflash 13. I Hate Myself For Loving You - Joan Jett and The Blackhearts 14. Whatever Will Be, Will Be (Que Sera, Sera) - Doris Day 15. Here's A Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares) - Travis Tritt 16. Jive Talkin' - The Bee Gees 17. Let's Call The Whole Thing Off - Harry Connick, Jr. 18. Lonesome Loser - Little River Band 19. Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) - Journey 20. Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves - Aretha Franklin

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21. I don't Care About You - Fear 22. Happy Trails - Van Halen

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Mediated Divorce: Focus on the Needs of Children in Desert Leaf


February 05, 2008 See our article in the January Desert Leaf. WM 2/5/08

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Humor in Mediation and Divorce


February 05, 2008 In times of conflict and trouble, one of the first qualities that we lose is our sense of humor. Humor, injected into mediation in an appropriate way, can soften all of these attitudes and help the parties move forward. I know a mediator who, during the opening phase will sometimes note that the bathrooms are down the hall to the left, "but no one is allowed to go there until we have reached resolution." This unexpected, and absurd, statement is most always appreciated by the parties as an effort to lighten the moment. It serves to ease tensions a little, brings on some smiles, and in a way reinforces the commitment to actually work hard toward finding a resolution. It underscores in a humorous way the "why" everyone has come to the table. A good mediator is to be able to recognize when and how to inject humor, in a respectful way, into the process. This is not always easy, as it involves taking a risk that the humor wont be well accepted. But mediating well is a process of risk taking, as Kenneth Close notes in "Mediating Dangerously." Used with care and respect, humor can be a powerful tool in the mediators kit. And sometimes the participants in the process will rise to the occasion and inject their own healing humorous comments. Below is a cartoon I like about mediation and a joke about mediators. Do you have a cartoon, joke or story you would like to share? As always, post a comment with us. There are instructions in our first blog which tells you how. WM 2/5/08
(h t t p : / / 1 . b p . b l o g s p o t . c o m / _ j F 4 C I p j V n x w / R 6 h l w W H R t I I / A A A A A A A A

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A A w / 7 k w K q B Q l k u Q / s 1 6 0 0 - h / H a g a r _ T h e _ H o r r i b l e . 2 0 0 0 0 4 1 7 . g i f)

How many mediators does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, let's unpack that shall we? First of all, let's be clear that it isn't the mediator's function to change the lightbulb. The mediator will explore with the lightbulb how it feels about the on and off nature of its job, its unhappiness at always having to work nights, and its relationships with the other parties, including the new lightbulbs that it feels are a threat to its position. The mediator will talk to the new lightbulbs, reframing and normalizing their observation that the principal lightbulb is completely out of its box, and identifying that their real issue is that being picked on one at a time constantly undermines their team spirit. The darkness seems quite hostile to all the lightbulbs and keeps telling them to go and unscrew themselves. The mediator will allow it to vent its anger and express its distress at how it always feels unwanted. The mediator will help guide the darkness and the lightbulbs, both new and mature, to a solution reflecting their new understanding of each other. Bright sparks will realise that you'll have to be left in the dark now because the final outcome is confidential.

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Red Cross
February 04, 2008 I have volunteered to work as a mediator for the Red Cross Disaster Relief program. You can find out more about the Southern Arizona Chapter of the Red Cross at h t t p : / / w w w . r e d c r o s s a r i z o n a . o r g / s i t e / P a g e S e r v e r. I agree with the Red Cross Fundamental Principles of Humanity, Impartiality, Neutrality, Independence Services, Unity, and Universality and its Core Values of Accountability, Collaboration, Commitment, Results, Trustworthiness, and Humanitarianism. Becoming a volunteer requires a great deal of training. I have taken courses entitled Fundamentals of Staff Services, Fulfilling Our Mission: Translating Your Compassion into Community Action, Mass Care Overview, Introduction to Disaster Services, New Paid & Vol. Staff Orientation, Client Casework: Providing Emergency Assistance and will be taking Collaborating to Ensure Effective Service Delivery. What has been interesting is how many of the skills taught by the Red Cross are similar to those used by mediators. In fact the skills are common sense and social skills we should all use. Some of the skills include: welcome the person warmly, treat the person with courtesy; active listening which enables you to express in your own words what the client is saying; avoiding the listening challenges of not paying attention, interrupting, hearing what is expected; practicing good listening skills such as focusing on the person, paying attention to non-verbal language, asking questions that clarify what the person is saying; and finally empathy. Volunteering for the Red Cross is a rewarding experience and I highly recommend it. WM 2/4/08

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Divorce TV
February 03, 2008 It was probably no surprise that I wanted to do my own television show. I cant remember my family not having a television set but I remember us purchasing our first set. I watched Hopalong Cassidy and matured to watching Have Gun Will Travel. For reasons I dont remember, I started calling myself Lucky. I even was in the Peanut Gallery of the Howdy Doody Show. So it came as now surprise when I read about Access Tucson h t t p : / / w w w . a c c e s s t u c s o n . o r g / and how you could do your own public access television show that I decided to do a television program. I also was interest in how the media could change the culture of divorce and I liked playing with electronic equipment. Doing a television show seemed to include many of my interests. Thus was born Divorce TV, a program dedicated to providing you information about divorce so you can make knowledgeable decisions about divorce. We are starting to tape the show in April and hope it will air in May. If you want more information about the show, you can go to its website at h t t p : / / d i v o r c e t v a z . g o o g l e p a g e s . c o m / or its blog at h t t p : / / d i v o r c e t v a z . b l o g s p o t . c o m / If you get Cox or Comcast cable you can view the show on the pubic access channels. If you dont get cable you can view the show on your computer at h t t p : / / w w w . a c c e s s t u c s o n . o r g / They may also have it On Demand. If you want more information about the show or want me to email you when and where the show is on, you can email me at DivorceTVAZ@gmail.com As always, we welcome your comments. In particular, we are interested in what you would like to see on Divorce TV and questions you would like

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us to answer on the air. You can always post a comment on this blog by clicking on comments at the end of the posted blog and follow the instructions in the window that opens up. We look forward to hearing from you. WM 2/3/08

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Polling on Our Blog


February 01, 2008 One of the interesting features of our blog is the ability to do polling. For fun and since it is the presidential season, I have asked in our poll which of the current presidential candidates you would like as your divorce attorney or mediator. Try the poll at the bottom right. Let us know if you have any questions you would like us to poll. WM 1/31/08

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Can You Tell a Divorce Professional by the Car He or She Drives?


January 31, 2008 The nature of a divorce s is determined first by the process a person chooses. Is it an adversary divorce, a collaborative divorce or a mediated divorce? The nature of a divorce is next determined by the divorce professional the person chooses. One of the first questions I ask a client is who is representing his or her spouse. It tells me a lot about how the case is going to proceed. Is the person a "shark" who says your spouse is the enemy? Is the person a reasonable person who wants the person to be able to have a better life? Is the person interested in the biggest possible fee or helping the person get thru the divorce with the least possible pain? Is the person interested in how the divorce affects children? But how does a person tell the type of divorce professional the person is choosing. People usually ask friends for a referral. This does not always work because people have different needs and perceptions. I have always wondered if you can tell a book by its cover, can you tell a divorce professional by the car he or she drives? My simple observation is more adversarial divorce professionals drive a BMW or a Mercedes and more reasonable divorce professionals drive a Volvo or Saab. There are many more cars. What is your experience? What do you think? Let us know by posting a comment by clicking on comments at the end of this blog. WM 1/31/08

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In the News - Court: Child Support Past Age 18


January 30, 2008 The Arizona Daily Star reported a case today that "parents who pay (child) support have to keep paying until their kids finish high school, even if they've turned 18 and even if it takes them longer than four years to get a diploma.: You can read the article at h t t p : / / w w w .azstarnet.com/allheadlines/222841.php The law did require through high school but no later than age 19. The parent did not feel this was correct when it took the child five instead of four years to complete high school. Post your comments by clicking on comments at the end of this post and let us know how you feel about this decision. WM 1/30/08

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Immigration Mediation Program on February 9


January 29, 2008 Although our name is Center for Divorce Mediation, we do other types of mediation. These include marital, elder, civil rights to name a few. An area of mediation which does not get a lot of publicity is immigration mediation. The Arizona Chapter of the Association for Conflict Resolution, h t t p : / / w w w . m e d i a t e . c o m / a c r a r i z o n a, and the University of Arizona School of Law are sponsoring a program on February 9, 2008 on this topic. If you want more information, the following is a copy of the flyer. WM 1/29/08

ARIZONA ASSOCIATION FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION & University of Arizona James E. Rogers College of Law PROUDLY PRESENT MEDIATION MEETS IMMIGRATION: Recourse to Employment, Education, Health Care, Housing, and Consumer Discrimination THE PUBLIC IS INVITED!!!!! F*R*E*E* SYMPOSIUM DAY: Saturday DATE: February 9, 2008 TIME: 10AM - 1:30PM PLACE: UA, Rogers College of Law, 1201 East Speedway @ Mountain, Tucson, Arizona Room 146 VISITOR PARKING: Garage is on Park, north of Speedway

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LUNCH: Compliments of AACR (Please RSVP to properprocess@gmail.com) CLE credit (3 hours/ including .5 hour Ethics) PRESENTERS: KAT RODRIGUEZ, Coordinator of Coalicion de Derechos Humanos, Tucson, AZ. TOPIC: Residents of Tucson who file grievances over abuses find assistance in achieving resolutions, via mediations and negotiated interventions. JENNIFER ALLEN, Founding Member & Executive Director of Border Action Network, Tucson. TOPIC: Current policies impacting immigrants and border communities in Arizona are under attack as unfair, inhuman, and unworkable policies. JUDITH GANS, Coordinator for the Udall Center for Public Policy, Tucson. TOPIC: The role of immigrants within Arizona and U.S. A.; & The difficulties associated with immigration reform. SUSAN BULFINCH, Board Member & President-elect of AACR, Phoenix. TOPIC: Are there any ethical or legal considerations for mediators where one party is an illegal immigrant? FOR FURTHER INFORMATION, PLEASE CONTACT: Roger Hartstone, AACR 520-425-6886 properprocess@gmail.com mediate.com/acrarizona

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YouTube and Divorce


January 28, 2008 There are many ways to get information about divorce and many ways our views of divorce are shaped. YouTube is one of the new ways. I have started a Playlist on YouTube which includes the following clips: Pool Boy, One Way to Make a Divorce Final, "Tammy Wynette" in Night of the Singing Dead: D-I-V-O-R-C-E, Meryl Streep in Kramer Vs Kramer. You can see the clips by clicking on Playlist Link. The first two clips are actually advertisements for a divorce attorney. It is sick humor which some may find funny and others may find offensive. The Tammy Wynette is entertaining and the Meryl Streep is a good demonstration how the movies both reflect and change our thinking. Post your comments about other clips you find on YouTube which are good and what you think about what I have shared. WM/1/28/08

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In the News - What to Ask When It's Over and the Divorce Season
January 27, 2008 I always watch for articles about divorce when I am reading the newspaper. I recently read an excellent article in the New York Times by Vincent M. Mallozzzi, First Wives World Is Their Oyster, Pearls Included (click on the title to the article to read it). One of the comments in the article discusses the "divorce season." The quoted attorney speaks of a spike in calls to the attorney's office in January. I have always notice more calls in January and September. I attribute the January calls to the fact that couples do not want to get a divorce during the holiday season from Thanksgiving to New Years. They don't want to spoil the holidays for their family. On the other hand the pressure of the anticipated divorce and the holidays create a pent up demand. Thus many people call as soon as they can after the holidays. The September spike may be a result of the children going back to school. I have also noticed more telephone calls when the weather is bad and at the end of the day. I am not sure why when the weather is bad it causes more telephone calls. Any ideas? I assume the end of the day telephone calls are a result of procrastination. Many people also make the telephone call when they know we are gone for the day. The calls after hours are becomes they really don't want to reach us. The article also lists the following questions that arise after a divorce. I would be interested any comments you have about them.

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1. Am I emotionally strong enough to move on? If not how do I become stronger? 2. What are you looking for, now that you're single again? 3. My spouse cheated on me, so why do I feel like a failure because my marriage didn't work? 4. Before dating again, shouldn't I first try to get comfortable with being alone? 5. Will I stay in touch with my ex's friends and family? 6. If children are involved, how do I cope when they are under another roof? 7. How soon will I start dating again? If there are children, how will I explain it to them? 8. In terms of my ex, is it ever a good idea to get physically or emotionally involved again? 9. What is one thing I want to do now that I would never have done when I was married? 10. In addition to lines like "Forget about him" and "Move on with your life," what divorce cliches are you most tired of hearing? WM 1/27/08

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Mediators from Around the World


January 25, 2008 I was very fortunate to be invited by Victor Quiros to a reception at Our Family for a tour sponsored by the State Department of mediators from around the world. There were mediators from India, Pakistan, Cambodia, Israel, Lebanon, Nigeria, Hungary, Morocco, and many other countries. Their English was impeccable. They asked many questions about the community mediation that Our Family does and the divorce mediation I do. I was sorry there was not more time so I could ask them more about what they did. We did exchange business cards and promised to follow up our discussions online. I was flattered that they wanted to take pictures with me. The meeting reminded me of the universality of mediation as a tool for all conflict resolution and that mediators are people I like to associate with. I was fascinated that people whose countries did not get along seemed to get along so well. It was very hopeful. If people from such diverse cultural background can get along, then couples who are getting divorce from similar backgrounds should be able to be reasonable and amicably resolve their marital issues. WM/01/25/08

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Are There Good Divorces?


January 01, 2008 When have you ever heard someone say his/her divorce wasnt that bad? Or that they got a pretty fair deal? We all hear about the crazy divorces, that take up years of peoples lives and tons and tons of dollars but we rarely hear about the divorces that mediators see all the time. The ones in which couples get beyond their anger, hurt, and grief. The ones in which couples put their children first. Im not sure why we dont hear much about those. Maybe its one of those things in which good news isnt news but bad news is. Or maybe its that its macho to fight to the last dime for one dimes advantage over your "opponent" who incidentally happens to be the mother or father of your children. Maybe its considered weakness in our society if we compromise and we certainly dont want to be perceived as weak. Just think of the language we use to describe the process of resolving disputes. Theres litigation, which is when lawyers duke it out, and then theres alternative dispute resolution, which is when couples use mediation or collaborative law to resolve a divorce. So if mediation is an alternative, that sounds like the standard method is litigation. Dont most of us want to use the standard way of doing anything? The alternative is good for the early adopters, the granola crowd, but not for us. For the sake of families, maybe its time for us to change the language of divorce.-mgm 12/10/07.

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Divorce Urban Myths


January 01, 2008 Divorce urban myths are plentiful and never seem to die. Maybe its that people feel so vulnerable emotionally and financially. Some shred of seeming truth to cling to makes us feel better because we feel we have some sense of control and predictability. How else to explain the stubborn resistance of these myths to death by fact? Its almost as if divorce creates its own antibiotic resistant culture(legal MRSA). Why else would people in 2007 be insisting that mothers "always" get custody of the children? Just because studies have shown that depending on the state or county 35%-90% of couples have joint legal custody (parents share all important decision-making) and 10%-60% of couples have joint physical custody as well, doesnt seem to kill this urban myth. Same with the myth that says "if property is in my name, I own it and get to keep it." An interesting myth and reassuring, if youre the person who has the property in his or her name. Unfortunately, or fortunately, its just a myth. Property regardless of whose name is attached to it, is usually considered marital property or community property unless there are a bunch of conditions met like it was acquired by the "name" before the marriage, maintained as separate property, not used to benefit the other person during the marriage, etc. And then theres the most frequently spouted myth: "if I move out of the house, thats abandonment, and she/he staying in the house gets to keep the house." That myth keeps couples together in a household in which the tension is enough to drive everyone crazy. Perish the thought that a couple could sit down with a mediator and discuss that tension, and that living separately is essential to reduce

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tension, how the second place will be paid for, and that it will change nothing in the ultimate division of assets and debts.- mgm 12/10/07.

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