Michal Bick Sociology of the Family June 15, 2009 What Love Has To Do With It Love has everything

to do with itthe institution of marriage relies on loves reservoir to survive, because without that, there is slight motivation to make the union successful, and consequently little energy for the effort and time thats required. But people define and analyze love differently, and in a relationship, it is cause for hardships in simultaneously reaching the peak of content. It is why not everyone is raised knowing how to love and be loved. Once children are born, the parents demonstration of a relationship is under constant watch. Every word and every action is impressionable on young minds. Children look to their parents as guides for lifes formula, which makes marriage a written contract to raising a family. The strength of a familys bond, which relies on the parents bond, determines the degree of the childrens wellbeing. Without love, two people cannot be anyones model for a healthy relationship. Even if the parents show much love to their children, the parent-child relationship is not enough to grasp the formula of a healthy relationship. Plus, the parent-child relationship doesnt begin an equal one, whereas the one between two adults does (or at least should). Two people can love each other without getting married, and two people can have children without getting married. But then the idea of a family unit becomes blurred, only in terms of the familys position in society. Aside from the security that marriage offers the whole family, it is a cultural way of being accepted by society. The way our culture has played out, in order to be recognized as a legitimate family unit, two parents must first be married, or must have once been married. Having children is considered socially

acceptable only if the couple is married first. Raising healthy, loving individuals not only impacts their social acceptance, but is crucial for living in a less chaotic and less complex society. When children see a successful relationship between the 2 people that are raising them, it reinforces their understanding of how love works. In this sense, it doesnt matter if the 2 parents are married or if they are a woman and a man. In fact, Hooks says in Chapter 2 how a child needs two adult guides in his or her life to have different perspectives to situations that arose in life. Having a good model of how to love helps raise individuals who succeed in healthy relationships (Rubin, Worlds of Pain, 114-123). But how does a couple get there? How does one successfully master the art of communication, the art of love, and the art of a healthy relationship? In his article, Lynch addresses the gender issue that society faces and how it impacts communication between two parties (page 76). A couple should have equal say in whether or not to have children, in how to raise them, etc. Lynchs article brings up the point that societys gender differences interferes with effective heterosexual couples communication. Equality is important to aspire to if wanting to have good communication. Respect is what helps people see others as equal. When there are no categories, when people arent placed into their associated labels, it helps approach others more peacefully and civilly. Lynchs discussion on abortion stems from proper communication whether or not a couple wants to have one should be their decision as a unit. And thats what family teaches the reliance of each member of their team determines how well the team will actually play. The equal considerations of both parties begins before children are born. If there is equality between both genders, if there is no

assumption that each gender performs a different task, then the children will be taught the same mentality. Ideologies of the parents determine the way children are raised. In All About Love, Hooks talks about the way boys and girls are each taught to lie, and how that affects their relationships as adults (p 33-49). Mothers teach their daughters to please others, even at the expense of not being honest with themselves. Boys lie to avoid hurting other peoples feelingsthis way they can do what they want while pretending to be someone else. Fathers teach their sons to be strong and take controlbut what happens when circumstances cause these men to be scared and lose control? If they cant communicate their fears, how do they learn to cope when times get tough? Exercising these beliefs encourage not-good parenting. Raising children to pretend to be someone theyre not causes problems in adult relationships, and internal struggles as well. All of this leads to living an unhappy life. It interferes with the ability to grasp the meaning of love, and the healthy way of loving and being loved. As Hooks explains, its difficult to let someone into our life when we dont know our true selves. Not knowing ourselves is the result of having to please others as women, and not hurting others as men. When a boys parents tell him its wrong to show feelings and to express emotion, he grows into a man that cannot communicate why he feels the way he does (p 57-59). He becomes a person who cannot deal with issues that come up in life, and thus cannot be a good example to his children. Likewise, girls grow into women who cannot reveal their true selves for fear of not being liked. This causes feelings of insecurityand reaffirms their belief that they will not be loved for who they are. In the meantime, we sacrifice the ability to love others and ourselves effectively. This includes showing proper

love to our children. Knowing this, it does not make sense for parents to teach their children how to behave according to their gender. Not only does gender-based behavior interfere with a everyone-is-equal mentality, but it also opens the door for placing people in different ranks. We all have different beliefs and opinions, but forcing our ideologies down other peoples throats doesnt demonstrate a peaceful society. It doesnt get us to any solutions, instead it just makes us want to be right and fuel the fight. Lynch explains this beautifully by saying how the rebuke keeps us form the deeper meaning of our lives (page 76). Its completely understandable that two people will disagree on issues but coming to some sort of compromise, or agreeing to disagree, should be the outcome. If children are raised in a household seeing this, they will spill it over in their own relationships, and in their own marriages, and thus continue the cycle of raising individuals to live in a simpler and more peaceful society. Consequences of not-good parenting lead children to want to escape the household. Many do this by getting married (Rubin, p 57-59). As a result, children are born into an environment where the parents do not necessarily love each other. Rubin talks about the families she interviewed who did not talk to each other about much, and seemed to fill the quiet with TV. In this sense, marriage can encourage not-good parenting, because many people get married for the wrong reasons. Financial benefits from the government seem to be a more appealing reason to get married. We are raised in a society that expects us to have children after we get married, (Newman & Grauerholz, page327). Even in every culture, the focus is on getting married first, regardless of the reason, and then having children. The main reason for this is that

people fear the way they are perceived by society. But society looks down on people who have children before marriage out of concern for the childs wellbeing. Their reasoning is that a child will not grow up successfully if the parents are not bound to be together. But if two people get married on a rocky foundation of what the institution is about, then this leads to children who grow up learning how to have unstable relationships. Some cultures, like African-Americans, believe that the way they act reflects on the rest of their culture. Therefore, parents strive to raise their children to have a strong and loving family (Newman & Grauerholz, 154). If children are raised in this type of family, they will certainly grow up to be adults who raise a similar family. Usually we put to practice what we learn growing up, or take the initiative to learn elsewhere. It seems that most people, regardless of culture, want to raise successful children. The way they go about doing so depends on the environment they grew up in. Not everyone raises children the same way, and not every family needs to have the same parental figures of a married woman and a man. What matters is that children learn that they will be loved for who they are, given that they dont violate the rights of others. But expressing opinions, showing weakness, and feeling safe to reveal their true selves, causes children to grow into adults who can have healthy relationships, something Hooks preaches throughout her book. The written contract of marriage provides an option for divorce. Though having the option allows for acknowledging that as humans, we make mistakes, it also allows for taking the easy way out. Consequently, it teaches children that when situations are tough and two people dont see eye to eye, its okay to break the union. Whats more, it teaches

the children that love is not permanent, a cause for feelings of insecurity in relationships (Hooks, Chapter 4). Marriage is work two people have no motivation to work at something if there is no love, or if there is little love. To raise individuals to live in a society filled with healthy relationships, both people must first make sure they love one another. Love provides stability. When children come from stable and secure homes, they will grow up to provide that same environment for their children. Stability isnt just an emotional necessity anymore, its also a financial requirement. The issue of not having enough money can interfere with the dream of having kids. On one hand, money makes it easier to provide your children with the best that life has to offer the above and beyond of having basic needs met. A private school education, for example, helps parents shelter their children. Sending kids to camp allows them to have a fun summer, though is not the only way for them to have fun, and that requires money. Traveling with children, a way to teach them about the world and the different people and places in it, requires money. Of course, a family can also live in the middle of nowhere in a hut, and have that be enough, but thats not the way our society works. But no matter how rich a family is, it wont buy anyones love. The film Martha and Ethel demonstrated that very well, as Ethel provided the love that the 2 financially successful parents couldnt. In that film, having a good career was important before settling down to have kids. In that family, love was defined through money, which made having Ethel a savior in the outcome of those children. But life in the working class isnt all that easy, as Rubins interviews help point out. When people are happy, it is in every aspect of life it is in their career, in their

relationships, and in their personal interests. When a person is doing something everyday that is interesting to him, he comes home a more relaxed and satisfied individual, something I realized from reading Rubins interviews. When you come home and are in front of the TV, not actually communicating with the person you love, life becomes mundane and unfulfilling. Having a job becomes more about providing a place to live and having food on the table, which fulfills the duty of taking care of ones family, but slowly deteriorates the duty of taking care of ones relationships. This is because doing something everyday that feels like labor and isnt worth being happy about, it can impact ones own wellbeing. When a persons wellbeing is shot, it makes it difficult to teach and show how to live a mentally healthy life. The term adapt or die as a survival method stemmed from the biological evolution of humans, but also from their social evolution. Knowing how to love and be loved, communicating effectively, relating to others in an equal manner, is something that must be taught. Sometimes, these lessons can be self-taught, however that requires a strong desire within oneself to learn the ideal way of having a healthy relationship. Plus, learning how to love and be loved becomes harder the older we get, because it means we must undue the lessons we previously learned. Though it takes more time and energy, it can be done. Our society can evolve as a strong and stable group, but that requires the love, patience, and understanding of each individual. Having this mentality from a young age allows for not knowing any other way. Additionally, it also helps form healthier relationships from a young age. These types of relationships are the practice we get for the union that marriage aspires to. In turn, it ensures the continuing of healthy, loving, and stable individuals and relationships.

Bibliography Hooks, Bell. All About Love. New York, NY: HarperCollins, 2001. Grauerholz, Liz, and David M. Newman. Sociology of Families. 2nd ed. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage 2002. Lynch, Thomas. Wombs. Bodies in Motion at Rest (no date) Rubin, Lillian B. Worlds of Pain: Life in the Working-Class Family. New York, NY: BasicBooks, 1992. Martha and Ethel film