Documenti di Didattica
Documenti di Professioni
Documenti di Cultura
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Dada, Captain. To first man: an avclub cookbook / written by Captain Dada--1st ed. Summary: A young girl's strange, erotic journey from mlange to mince. ISBN 978-4-8-1516-234-2 [1. Cookbooks--NO COMEDY. 2. Pop culture--circlejerking. 3. Wastes of everybody's time.] I. Title. PZ7.D57647An 2013 [E]--dc22
I'll have what she's having. Woman in restaurant in When Harry Met Sally I'll not have what she's having. Woman in waiting room of Meg Ryan's plastic surgeon
APPETIZERS
First. Mix beans, chili powder, and cumin; spread onto bottom of 9-inch pie plate. Then. Top with layer of green onions. Then. Top with layer of chopped tomato. Then. Top with layer of sour cream. Then. Top with layer of cheddar cheese. Then. Top with layer of derision toward HBO show. Then. Top with layer of excuses about how you were really tired and you thought the first six layers of the bean dip were taken out of context. Then. Refrigerate several hours. Finally. Set up appointment with Lacuna Inc. to erase Vincent Gallo from memory.
First. Are you just blatantly a straight up idiot -ForgetTheEnd Then. evanescence is very talented -diosyxoxo in reply to jackshit33, 1 hour ago Then. Seriously, 14 year old girls. Gotta love em. -gamuelaboratory in reply to TholomewPlague28, 7 months ago Then. Nickelback is sooooooooooo awesome. I have been to many concerts and this by far was one of the best in a longtime. I brought my daughter and her friend they loved it. I also took a friend who goes to every concert out there and she doesn't really listen to this kind of music and she loved it so much she is going to see them in another state. -mommy34, Posted 08/27/2009 Then. Start the oven. Then. yeah so my sister started playing some song by one direction so i put this song on and blasted it, freak one direction - waningcresent Then. this song takes rock from janitor to manager -legendofthepizzaman Then. guess being a buttfuck is irrelevant at this point. -ShanniesANerd in reply to VaultDovah2077, 6 days ago Then. music 50% boner 50% how about? You -kotmung, 1 week ago Finally. cold pizza is rad -Allenfields92
BREAKFAST
Cancer Eggs
Ingredients: 6 large egg yolks 1/4 cup lemon juice 2 tablespoons Dijon mustard 1 1/2 cups melted unsalted butter 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper 1/8 teaspoon cayenne 6 English muffins 3 cups Dungeness crab, picked over and at room temperature 12 large eggs
First. Make hollandaise sauce: In the bottom of a double boiler or in a medium saucepan, bring 1 in. of water to a simmer over high heat and adjust heat to maintain simmer. Put egg yolks, lemon juice, and mustard in top of a double boiler or in a round-bottomed medium bowl and set over simmering water. Whisk yolk mixture to blend. Then. Whisking constantly, add butter in a slow, steady stream (it should take about 90 seconds). Cook sauce, whisking, until it reaches 140, then adjust heat to maintain temperature (remove from simmering water if necessary). Add salt, pepper, and cayenne and continue whisking until thick, about 3 minutes. Adjust seasonings to taste. Remove from stove and set aside. Then. Preheat oven to 450. Split English muffins and arrange on a baking sheet in a single layer. Bake until toasted, about 5 minutes. Then. Put 2 muffin halves on each plate and top with crab, dividing evenly. Then. Poach eggs: Bring 1 in. water to boil in a 12-in.-wide pan. Lower heat so that small bubbles form on the bottom of the pan and break to the surface only occasionally. Crack eggs into water 1 at a time, holding shells close to the water's surface and letting eggs slide out gently. Poach eggs, in 2 batches to keep them from crowding, 3 to 4 minutes for soft-cooked. Lift eggs out with a slotted spoon, pat dry with a paper towel, and place 1 egg on each crab-topped muffin half. Finally. Top each egg with 2 to 3 tbsp. reserved hollandaise sauce and serve hot.
Reasonable bran muffin? The only reasonable bran muffin is a DEAD bran muffin.
-Reginald VelJohnson
BEVERAGES
First. Mix Kool-Aid and vodka in equal measures. Add cyanide if Hale-Bopp comet is overhead. Then. Pour mixture into squirt gun. Finally. Pretend youre Warden Norton at the end of The Shawshank Redemption.
I shot a kid. He was 13 years old. Ohhh, it was dark, I couldn't see him. He had a squirt gun full of Kool-Aid and vodka, looked real enough. You know, when you're a rookie, they can teach you everything about bein' a cop except how to live with a mistake. Anyway, I just couldn't bring myself to draw my gun on anybody again. So, if you plan on imbibing The New Cult Cannon, please, for all the rookie cops out there, make sure it has no resemblance to a real gun whatsoever. And save me a fucking Ding-Dong.
-Reginald VelJohnson
First. Place 1 scoop of ice cream into each of two tall glasses. Then. Flash back to a time when the ice cream was in the band Drive Shaft. Then. Discover a hatch on the kitchen floor. Then. Blow up the hatch and ignore the scoop of ice cream for awhile. Then. Add more mystery to the ice cream. And more tall glasses. Then. Have some of the ice cream escape from the two tall glasses. Then. Start showing what happens to the ice cream after youve eaten the root beer float. Make sure you go heavy on the melodrama. Then. Have the ice cream start jumping temporally. Maybe start pretending you are going to be able to prevent the ice cream from ever happening by going back in time and blowing up the freezer with a nuclear bomb. Then. Add more mythology to the ice cream, like how it all began, and start making promises about how the root beer will all make sense someday. Then. Find a bunch of squirrel bones and put it in a stroller and walk around town, pretending its your baby. Then. Pour root beer carefully over the ice cream, which has melted by this point. Finally. Forget this recipe even mentioned whipped cream or maraschino cherries. Ultimately, they are not important. They were never important.
MY WORLD OF SOUPS
First. Combine all ingredients in slow cooker in order listed. Then. Stir just enough to mix mix seasonings throughout. Then. Cover and cook on LOW for 10 to 12 hours. Finally. Eat.
You know who else knew a thing or two about croc? Paul Hogan, Mr. Crocodile Dundee himself. I once watched him wrestle a unicorn to the ground. Paul was naked. So was the unicorn, come to think of it. Both creatures were very aroused.
-Reginald VelJohnson
First. Boil turtle meat until nearly tender. Then. Add vegetables and simmer covered, for 1 hour. Then. Add milk and thicken with flour. Then. Mix in sugar, if desired. Finally. Go on, eat everything. Eat everything. I want you to.
RANDOM ROLLS
CELEBRITY SANDWICHES
Celebrity Sandwiches
The George Lucas
Turkey, havarti, mayonnaise, mango chutney, cayenne pepper, lettuce, and apple slices on a croissant. Midway through the sandwich, remove the turkey and replace it with a piece of stiff cardboard. Put the turkey in a safe deposit box. Pretend the piece of turkey never existed.
Celebrity Sandwiches
The Michael Bay
The sandwich begins on an aircraft carrier out at sea. The captain (Tom Wilkinson) of the ship is talking to the guy who monitors the radar. Ive never seen anything like it, says the radar guy (Tom Sizemore). It doesnt make any sense. It looks like a school of tuna fish. Suddenly, the bow of the ship is throttled by an unseen force. Theres an explosion in the radar room and the radar guy is fucking dead. Call the Pentagon, barks the captain. The phone rings at the Pentagon and the fucking President of the United States (Tom Hanks) answers. What the fuck is it? he yells. Its a school of tuna, yells the captain, right as the entire ship blows up. Theres like 2 straight minutes of explosions. Holy fuck, says the President, as he slams the phone down and races to his fighter jet. He flies his fighter jet to the ocean, but on the way, he is intercepted by Bin Laden in a fighter jet. Bin Laden is no match for the POTUS and he quips Im sorry, Mr. Bin Laden, but Ive got a date with a tuna sandwich, then hes all Youve heard of mecca? Well, mecca lecca high, mecca hiney ho, motherfucker!, and blows his bearded ass out of the sky with a fucking homing missile. The explosion rivals 9/11 in its explosion-ness. The POTUS arrives at the site of the aircraft carrier disaster and sees that its not a school of tuna, but one giant tuna that is the size of a school of tuna. Looks like my last bowel movement, quips the President, as he pushes the FIRE button for the specially armed tuna homing missile. Jammed. Well, Teddy Roosevelt didnt need any fucking missiles, says the President, and he grabs his hunting knife out of his briefcase with all the launch codes and hits the auto-eject button and parachutes down into the mouth of the mega-tuna. Inside the mega-tuna, the President realizes that it is really a mechanical leviathan being operated by a still-alive Adolf Hitler (Tom Selleck). The President murders his way past Hitlers best henchmen (Tom Waits and Tom Hiddleston) and puts a knife up to Hitlers wrinkly old neck and says You might be the Axis of Evil but Im the fucking Axis of Symmetry. And Hitler just starts laughing and explains that the tuna leviathan is rigged to self-destruct in ten minutes. The President jabs the knife through Hitlers neck, which explodes, then rescues Albert Einstein (Tom Hulce) from his gilded cage, and the two of them hop on a hover-jetski that Einstein invented while he was held hostage and fly out of the giant tuna just as it explodes. Theres a brief jump cut to a Transformer (one of the racist caricature ones) on the surface of Jupiter and they watch the explosion; thats how big the explosion will be. The end of the movie is Einstein and the President, covered in mechanical tuna, hover-jetskiing back to the mainland. What day is it? asks Einstein. It's Wednesday... eh, it's Tuesday, I think, replies the President. Think the tide's with us? asks Einstein. Keep throttling, says the President. I used to hate the water, says Einstein. I cant imagine why, says the President. Then, the camera pans backward and Hitlers head pops up out of the water. He is still alive. However, the Presidents fighter jet from earlier in the sandwich finally lands on him with a big ass thud.
Celebrity Sandwiches
The Kim Kardashian
Two Polish sausages crammed into a warm biscuit, then topped with a heaping helping of room temperature ranch dressing.
DINNER PLAN
First. In a large skillet, heat the oil. Season the ribs with salt and pepper. Add them to the skillet and cook over moderate heat, turning once, until browned and crusty (Hey! Hey!), about 18 minutes. Transfer the ribs to a shallow baking dish in a single layer. Then. Add the onion, carrots, celery and garlic to the skillet and cook over low heat, stirring occasionally, until very soft and lightly browned (like Dr. Hibbard!), about 20 minutes. Add the wine and thyme sprigs and bring to a boil over high heat. Pour the hot marinade over the ribs and let cool. Cover and refrigerate overnight, turning the ribs once. Then. Preheat the oven to 350. Transfer the ribs and marinade to a large, enameled cast-iron casserole. Add the chicken stock and bring to a boil. Cover and cook in the lower third of the oven for 1 1/2 hours, until the meat is tender (like Moe!) but not falling apart. Uncover and braise for 45 minutes longer, turning the ribs once or twice, until the sauce is reduced by about half and the meat is very tender. Then. Transfer the meat to a clean shallow (like Mr. Burns!) baking (like Otto!) dish (like Marge!), discarding the bones as they fall off. Strain the sauce into a heatproof measuring cup and skim off as much fat as possible. Pour the sauce over the meat; there should be about 2 cups. Finally. Preheat the broiler. Broil the meat, turning once or twice, until glazed and sizzling, about 10 minutes. Transfer the meat to plates, spoon the sauce on top and serve.
#sixseasonsandamacaroni
Ingredients: Dash Salt Dash Pepper Dash Chili Powder Dash Parsley Dash Garlic Powder Dash Caraway Seed 3 1/2 c. uncooked elbow macaroni 3/4 - 1 lb. grated cheese 6 c. milk 5 tbsp. butter
First. Melt butter in 9 x 13 inch pan. Then. Pour uncooked macaroni into melted butter. Stir well until coated. Then. Stir six seasons and cheese through macaroni. Pour milk over all. Then. Bake at 375 degrees for 1 hour. Do not stir while baking. Finally. Start an online petition to bring Firefly back.
One of my lifes great regrets is that we never got to do a Family Matters movie. All Miller-Boyett cared about was an Urkel movie. There was an Urkel vehicle bouncing around Hollywood at the time. Jaleel White requested too much money and they went in another direction with the script. The name of the movie they ended up making? Training Day.
-Reginald VelJohnson
CUT THE SHALLOT INTO PIECES, THIS IS MY LAST RISOTTO SUFFOCATION, NO BREATHING, HEAT THE STOCK TO A SIMMER DONT GIVE A FUCK AND LOWER THE HEAT SO THE STOCK STAYS HOT, THIS IS MY LAST RISOTTO CHOP THE PARSLEY INTO PIECES, IVE REACHED MY LAST RISOTTO DO YOU EVEN CARE IF THE OIL AND BUTTER ARE HEATING? WOULD IT BE WRONG, WOULD IT BE RIGHT IF YOU ADD THE SHALLOT AND RICE AND STIR WITH A WOODEN SPOON AND DONT LET THE RICE BROWN? CHANCES ARE THAT I MIGHT ADD WINE AND STIR SOME MORE INEBRIATION IS OUT OF SIGHT AND IM CONTEMPLATING ADDING MORE STOCK CAUSE THE LIQUID IS ABSORBED, LIQUID ABSORBED MIX THE STOCK LIKE SUCH UNTIL THE GRAINS ARE TENDER LOSING MY STOCK, LOSING MY STOCK WISH SOMEBODY WOULD SET THE DAMN TABLE SPOON THE DISH ONTO PLATES IN PIECES, THIS IS MY LAST RISOTTO SUFFOCATION, NO BREATHING, TOP WITH SOME PARMESAN CHEESE DONT GIVE A FUCK AND EAT YOUR MEAL WITH A SIDE OF SALAD THIS IS MY LAST RISOTTO
First. Use the BONG to get high. This is gonna take some epic concentration. Then. Use the blender to blend up the tacos and the fire sauce. Then. Use the BONG to get high. You earned it. Then. Cut top off peppers 1 inch from the stem end, and remove seeds. Stick the peppers in a pot of boiling water for three minutes. In the meantime, use the BONG to get high. This is gonna be so good. Then. After you let the peppers cool for a little bit, take your Taco Bell taco casserole and stuff it into the bell peppers. Then. Stick those bell peppers on a greased pan in an oven at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. Finally. Use the BONG to get high and watch Saved by the Bell while you munch on your Taco Bell bell peppers and then just marvel at how fucking meta you are.
First. In a small bowl, combine salad dressing and cucumber; set aside. In a large skillet, cook beef in oil over medium heat until no longer pink. Then. Layer half of each pita with steak, tomato, olives, onion, cheese, lettuce and dressing mixture. Fold each pita over filling; secure with toothpicks. Finally. Start listening to the Shins.
First. In a food processor or blender, combine the green onions, onion, jalapeno pepper, soy sauce, vinegar, vegetable oil, brown sugar, thyme, cloves, nutmeg and allspice. Mix for about 15 seconds while thinking about baseball. Then. Place the breasts on a cutting board and pound on them with your stiff meat hammer until tender. Then. Place those breasts in a medium bowl, and coat them with your fresh marinade. Then. Refrigerate for 4 to 6 hours, or until you are hungry for those liquid-coated breasts. Then. Preheat grill for high heat. Finally. Lightly oil grill grate. Cook chicken on the prepared grill 6 to 8 minutes, until juices run clear.
My wife has this great jerk chicken recipe. I clap whenever I see Anne Hathaway. -Fred Willard
First. Heat oil in a large saucepan over medium heat until hot but not smoking. Add onion and garlic; cook, stirring occasionally, until onion is translucent, 5 to 7 minutes. Then. Add wine; cook until most liquid has evaporated. Add tomatoes and juice, tomato sauce, basil, and red pepper flakes. Then. Reduce heat to medium-low; simmer until slightly thick, about 30 minutes. Season with salt and pepper. Remove from heat; cover to keep warm. Then. Bring a large pot water to a boil; add 1 tablespoon salt. Add half of the gnocchi; when they rise to the top (after about 2 minutes), continue to cook until tender, about 15 seconds more. Then. Transfer gnocchi with a slotted spoon to pan with sauce. Repeat process with remaining gnocchi. Finally. Reheat gnocchi over low heat; gently toss. Serve with cheese shavings.
First. In a medium saucepan over medium-low heat, saut onion in butter until golden brown. Then. Remove from heat and stir in sugar, mustard, cloves, honey, and vinegar. Then. Place knockwursts in pan, coating well with the sauce. Finally. Put back on heat and simmer, covered, turning a few times, for about 10 minutes, until puffed and glazed, kinda like Anna Gunn in season 4.
Breaking Bad is no doubt one of my favorite shows, but I was breaking Bad before it was cool. Flash back to 1987. Im a security guard for Michael Jackson. Long story short, Im no longer allowed within 500 feet of Michael Jackson.
-Reginald VelJohnson
First. In a medium bowl, stir together the flour and salt. Cut in shortening using a pastry blender, or pinching into small pieces using your fingers, until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Use a fork to stir in water a few tablespoons at a time, until the mixture forms a ball. Pat into a ball, and flatten slightly. Wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate for 1 hour, not unlike Cherie in that one episode of Punky Brewster. Then. Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add the onion and cook until tender. Crumble in the beef, and season with salt, paprika, cumin and black pepper. Cook, stirring frequently, until beef is browned. Drain excess grease, and stir in the raisins and vinegar. Refrigerate until chilled, then stir in the hard-cooked eggs, similar to the emotions stirred up when Edith Bunker was nearly raped in that one episode of All In The Family. Then. Form the dough into 2 inch balls. On a floured surface, roll each ball out into a thin circle. Spoon some of the meat mixture onto the center, then fold into half-moon shapes. Seal edges by pressing with your fingers, kinda like what Gordon Jump attempted to do to Arnold in that one episode of Diffrent Strokes. Finally. Heat oil in a deep-fryer to 365 degrees F (180 degrees C). Place one or two pies into the fryer at a time. Cook for about 5 minutes, turning once to brown on both sides. Drain on paper towels, and serve hot, much like the heat generated when that one guy on Beverly Hills 90210 accidentally shot himself in the head.
ZUCCHINI MOTHERFUCKER
THE FUCKING INGREDIENTS: 1 CUP BAKING MIX 1/2 CUP VEGETABLE OIL 2 TABLESPOONS DRIED PARSLEY 1 PINCH GROUND BLACK PEPPER 2 CLOVES GARLIC, CHOPPED 1 EGG 1/2 CUP GRATED ROMANO CHEESE 1/4 TEASPOON SALT 3 CUPS SLICED ZUCCHINI
FIRST. DONT BE A STUPID COCKSUCKER AND REHEAT THE FUCKING OVEN TO 350 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT. CELSIUS IS FOR PUSSIES, YOU FUCKING SHITHEADS. THEN. TAKE A FUCKING MIXING BOWL, STIR TOGETHER THE FUCKING BAKING MIX LIKE MARTHA STEWART RIDING SATANS COCK, THE FUCKING VEGETABLE OIL, THE DRIED ASS PARSLEY, SHITTY ASS PEPPER, CUMGUZZLING GARLIC, YOUR FUCKING CHICKEN FETUSES, YOUR FANCY ASS ROMANO CHEESE, THE STUPID FUCKING SALT, AND THE GREEN PIECE OF SHIT ZUCCHINI. POUR THE FUCKING MIIXTURE INTO A LIGHTLY GREASED 8X12 INCH PAN. DONT BE SUCH A COCKTEASE WITH THAT GREASE. AND DONT PRONOUNCE GREASE LIKE IT RHYMES WITH COCKTEASE. I HATE THAT FUCKING SHIT. THEN. TELEPATHICALLY COMMUNICATE WITH THAT SUAVE MOTHERFUCKER, JASON STATHAM THEN. BAKE THAT SHIT 20 MINUTES, OR UNTIL GOLDEN FUCKING BROWN. CUT INTO MOTHERFUCKING SQUARES AND SERVE. BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ONES YOU SERVE, YOURE GOING TO GET WHAT YOU DESERVE. I WISH I COULD SHOVE THIS FUCKING DISH DOWN YOUR STUPID THROAT, YOU MOTHERFUCKING GOOSE, AND EAT THE FUCKING FOIE GRAS OUT OF YOUR COCKSUCKING SPINE.
First. Make small slits all over the roast then insert a whole garlic clove into each slit. This is optional, I just really like saying slit. Then. Place the roast in a greased casserole dish with a lid. Then. Sprinkle the roast on all sides with Worcestershire sauce, much like audiences sprinkled in to see 2004s After the Sunset, amirite? Then. Let sit at room temperature for 1-1/2 hours, roughly the length of Money Talks. Then. After 1-1/2 hours, wake up and spoon any Worcestershire sauce (if any) back on the roast that has accumulated on the bottom of the casserole. My nickname around Hollywood is the bottom of the casserole. Then. Using hands press the brown sugar well into the meat on all sides making certain to adhere the sugar to the meat, similar to how Chris Tucker really adhered to the meaty mixture of action and comedy in Rush Hour 3. Then. Pour the apple juice into Brett Ratner the bottom of the casserole. Then. Cover tightly. Then. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F for 15 minutes. Dont tell me about 15 minutes! Then. Place the roast in the oven and immediately reduce the temperature down to 200 degrees F or else youll ruin it like I ruined the X-Men franchise. Then. Roast for about 4 hours (seemingly the length of The Family Man) or until the meat is falling-apart tender (cooking time will vary depending on the size of the roast). Then. Stir the salt (Brett Ratner) and black pepper (Eddie Murphy) into the juice (Oscars). Finally. Slice meat as desired.
Chili T-Dogs
Ingredients: 1 tablespoon olive oil 1 lb ground sirloin salt and pepper 1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce 1 small onion, chopped 2 garlic cloves, chopped 1 tablespoon chili powder 1 (8 ounce) can tomato sauce 8 beef hot dogs 1 tablespoon butter 1 tablespoon hot sauce 8 hot dog buns, toasted 2 cups cheddar cheese, shredded
First. Heat skillet over medium high heat. Then. Add olive oil and meat and season with salt and pepper. Then. Help Dale fix the radiator hose. Then. Brown and crumble beef. Then. Add Worcestershire, onion, garlic, chili powder, and cook together for 5 minutes. Then. Add tomato sauce and reduce heat to low. Then. Meanwhile, boil franks in shallow pan. Then. Blend into the background. Then. Drain water and return pan to medium heat. Then. Melt butter in skillet and add hot sauce. Then. Let the Asian guy go into that scary hole. Then. Add T-Dogs to pan, browning and crisping the casings in hot sauce and butter. Then. Heat broiler. Then. Place T-Dogs in buns and top with chili and cheese. Then. Refrain from any of that gangster shit. Then. Place T-Dogs under broiler and melt cheese. Finally. Serve immediately after personal redemptive arc.
Pizza House!
Ingredients: 1/4 ounce dry yeast 1 cup water, lukewarm 1 teaspoon sugar 3 cups bread flour 1/2 teaspoon salt 1 tablespoon olive oil 1/2 cup tomato puree 2 tablespoons tomato paste 1 garlic clove, minced 1 tablespoon fresh basil, chopped 4 ounces fresh mozzarella cheese 1 non-nude photograph of Hugh Laurie
First. In a glass or plastic bowl, combine yeast, water, and sugar (the water can just be water from the tap, make sure it's below 100F). Then. Stir to dissolve the yeast and let the yeast "bloom" for 15 minutes. Then. Stir in 1 cup flour, add salt, and then stir in another cup of flour (the remaining cup of flour will be your "bench" flour and added flour). Then. Dump mixture onto kneading board and work in last cup of flour, kneading until dough is soft and elastic, but not sticky. Form dough into a ball. Then. In another bowl, pour in the 1 tbsp olive oil and spread around. Then. Coat ball of dough with oil and cover bowl with a damp towel and let dough rise for 40 minutes. Then. Punch down dough (like Don punched Jimmy Barrett) and knead on board about 2 minutes. Dough is now ready to spread in the pan. Then. To avoid sticking of crust, lightly spray pizza pan with olive oil or vegetable oil spray and then work dough to pan (or use free form pan) - this dough is enough for 1 14-in pizza with a thin bottom crust and enough dough around the edge to munch. Then. Combine pureed tomatoes, tomato paste, minced garlic, and basil. Then. Spread onto prepared pizza dough. Then. Top with sliced mozzarella cheese, styling the pizza in the shape of Dr. Gregory Houses face, and and bake at 500F for 11-13 minutes. Finally. Just taste it!
First. Combine ground round, egg, Panko bread crumbs, onion, and cup cream of mushroom soup in a large bowl. Then. Divide beef mixture evenly into 6 patties about inch thick patty. Then. Whisk together the remaining cream of mushroom soup and beef broth in a bowl until smooth. Then. Heat a large non-stick skillet over medium-heat. Cook the burgers until browned, 3 to 4 minutes on each side. Then add the cream of mushroom soup, and beef broth. Then. Pour mixture over the patties, and then reduce heat to low. Simmer until the patties are no longer pink in the center, about 20 minutes or 155F in the center. Finally. Serve with mashed potatoes or noodles.
DAWES!
DAWES-SERTS
[TARTS]
Ingredients: 1 (9 inch) pie crust, baked 1 (4.6 ounce) package non-instant vanilla pudding mix 3 cups milk 1/2 cup fresh strawberries, sliced 1/2 cup fresh blueberries 1 cup fresh peaches, pitted and sliced 1/2 cup fresh raspberries 1 cup kiwi, sliced 1/4 cup any flavor fruit jam
First. Combine pudding mix and milk in a medium saucepan. Cook according to package directions. Pour pudding into pastry shell and refrigerate until cool and firm. Arrange fruit on top of pudding layer. Finally. Place jam in a small saucepan over low heat, stirring occasionally until runny. Using a pastry brush, coat fruit with jam. Now hide in the closet and eat the whole thing yourself. You cant take it with you, for the tarts will be left behind.
Did somebody say Left Behind? This one time I was on the set of Turner and Hooch, just doing my thing, which was eating donuts. Im a real method actor. Anyway, I got to feeling a pain on my left buttocks, and lo and behold, it was Hooch, gnawing on my meaty backside. I calmly bludgeoned him to death with a jelly donut. Tom Hanks just starts sobbing uncontrollably. I didnt know he was a jelly donut man.
-Reginald VelJohnson
First. Pour the sugar and water into the saucepan. Start with 2 cups of sugar. Add blue food coloring. Then. Heat the mixture over medium heat, while stirring, until it just comes to a boil. Add more sugar until it stops dissolving. Then. Try to avoid letting the mixture get hotter. Keep it near-boiling and stir until the sugar dissolves. This is when mixture becomes clear, without crystals floating in the liquid. Then. Remove the pan from the heat. Set the pan in the refrigerator to cool for about 15 minutes. You want the mixture to be room temperature or cooler before pouring it in the jar. Then. Dampen the cotton string with the syrup mixture. Roll the string in dry sugar. Shake off any excess sugar. Then. Tie the string to a pencil or knife so that you can rest the pencil on top of a clean jar with the string not touching the sides or bottom of the container. Then. Pour the cooled syrup into the jar and add the string. You can cover the top with a paper towel, coffee filter, or piece of waxed paper. Then. Allow the jar to sit undisturbed for 3-7 days. Remove (and eat) any crust of sugar that forms on the top of the liquid. Then. Remove the crystals when you are satisfied with their size. Then.. You can eat the rock candy immediately or you can have Skinny Pete and Badger sell it on the street. Finally. Store rock candy in a dry, sealed container, like a Los Pollos Hermanos fry batter bucket. The candy will stick to itself tight tight tight, so you may wish to wrap it in waxed paper or coat it with confectioner's sugar or chili powder.
Genevieve Krispies
Ingredients: 1/4 cup butter or margarine (1/2 stick) 6 cups Rice Krispies 6 - 10 ozs. Stay Puft brand regular marshmallows (about 40)
First. Open your refrigerator, get butter out from behind miniature altar of Zuul. Then. Melt butter in 3-quart saucepan. Then. Dont think of anything. Clear your mind. Youve only got one crack at this. Then. Add Stay Puft marshmallows and cook over low proton heat, crossing streams constantly, until marshmallows are melted and mixture is syrupy. Turn off proton pack. Then. Add Rice Krispies and stir until well coated. Finally. Press warm mixture evenly and firmly into buttered 13 X 9-inch pan. Cut into squares when cool. But it will never be cool, will it, Genevieve?
A scene from the 1984 film Ghostbusters. Pictured from left to right: Bill Murray, Genevieve Koski.