1. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO! - Unknown 2. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep . Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. - Will Rogers 3. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. - Jos Maria de Ea de Queiroz 4. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you re w rong - Unknown 5. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. - Brian Gerald O Driscoll 6. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go - Oscar Wilde 7. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all do ubt. - Abraham Lincoln (paraphrase from the Bible, Proverbs 17:28) 8. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. - Unknown 9. The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes. - Albert Einstein

10. I don t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

- Unknown

11. Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahe ad. - Bill McGlashen 12. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. - Marilyn Monroe - Al McGuire

13. The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets

14. When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. - Mark Twain 15. Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway? - Unknown 16. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. - Sam Levenson 17. If you think nobody cares if you re alive, try missing a couple of payments. arl Wilson 18. Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with th e hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. - Albert Einstein 19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in y our pocket. - Will Rogers 20. I couldn t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. - Steven Wright - E

21. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes . - Jack Handey 22. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up. - Unknown

23.

If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands? - Milton Berle

24. I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be qu estioned about their motives. - Unknown 25. I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once. - Unknown 26. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. - Robert Frost 27. People often say that motivation doesn t last. Well, neither does bathing why we recommend it daily. - Zig Ziglar that s

28. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. - Emo Philips 29. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don t need it. - Bob Hope 30. A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one s itting next to you saying boy was that fun. - The Maugles 31. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us wh o do. - Isaac Asimov 32. Why does a woman work ten years to change a man s habits and then complain that he s not the man she married? - Barbra Streisand 33. You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog. - Harry S. Truman - Unkno

34. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. wn 35. If I agreed with you we d both be wrong. - Unknown

36. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. - Jack Nicholson 37. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don t have a good partner, you d better have a good hand. - Woody Allen 38. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. nown 39. Evening news is where they begin with u why it isn t. - Unknown - Unk

Good evening , and then proceed to tell yo

40. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. - Wilson Mizner 41. Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: Hold my purse. - Unknown - Unknown -

42. I didn t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

43. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Emo Philips 44. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. - Unknown

45. The sole purpose of a child s middle name, is so he can tell when he s really in trouble. - Unknown 46. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won t expect it back. - Oscar Wilde

47. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they re at home, even if you wish the y were. - Unknown 48. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. lliant - Ashleigh Bri

49. I discovered I scream the same way whether I m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. - Axel Rose 50. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and the re was only one life jacket I d miss you heaps and think of you often. - Unknown 51. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but c heck when you say the paint is wet? - Unknown 52. A bargain is something you don t need at a price you can t resist. s - Franklin Jone

53. If at first you don t succeed, skydiving is not for you! - Henny Youngman 54. You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the be st golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush , Dick , and n . - Chris Rock 55. When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people wh o weren t smart enough to get out of jury duty. - Norm Crosby 56. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for mon ey usually costs a lot less. - Brendan Behan 57. Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button. - Unknown

Colo

58. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, At my age, I don t even buy green bananas. - Claude Pepper 59. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, equila. - Unknown and a shot of t

60. The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. - Dennis Miller 61. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the av erage voter. - Winston Churchill 62. It s strange, isn t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh d everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and ev eryone joins in. - Tommy Cooper 63. Why didn t Noah swat those two mosquitoes? - Unknown - Frank an

64. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody s there to appreciate it. lin P. Jones

65. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I m do ing. - Unknown 66. God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends. d - Ethel Mumfor

67. A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousa nds of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that individuality is the key to success. - Robert Purvis 68. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are bo rn, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. - George Jessel 69. America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight. - Unknown 70. Isn t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? - Unknown 71. Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. - Unknown

72. I m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have som eone to talk to. - Rodney Dangerfield 73. If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they re going to think the dogs a re the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them s making a po op, the other one s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? - Jerry Seinfeld 74. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. - Ro dney Dangerfield 75. As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I ca n t remember the other two. - Norman Wisdom 76. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole bo x to start a campfire? - Unknown 77. Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. D o you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? - Rita Rudner 78. If women ran the world we wouldn t have wars, just intense negotiations every 2 8 days. - Robin Williams 79. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he s wrong. - Charles Wadsworth 80. A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won t cro ss the street to vote in a national election. - Bill Vaughan 81. To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential. - Un known 82. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. Jackie Mason 83. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds t he universe together. - Oprah Winfrey 84. Money can t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. - Christopher Ma -

rlowe 85. Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake w hen you make it again. - Franklin P. Jones 86. ld Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. - Unknown - Jerry Seinfe

87. Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

88. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum clea ner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vac uum one more chance? - Unknown 89. It s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? onald Reagan 90. A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then w ears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. - Fred Allen 91. They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck. - Unknown 92. See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough b lood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams 93. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named a fter me. - Steve Martin 94. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: money. - Jack Handy That guy sure owed me a lot of - Erma Bombeck - Un - R

95. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

96. Life s disappointments are harder to take when you don t know any swear words. known 97. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth. - Unknown

98. At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and t hose who don t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. - Ann Lande rs 99. If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it. - Unknown 100. Make yourself at home clean my kitchen. - Unknown