I Fucked Santa Claus: An Adult-Christmas Short Story This is a Hilarerotic Short Story.

Hilarerotica (a term I invented to mean Hilarious Erotica) By: Ashlei Bee Twitter ashlei_bee

*** I fucked Santa Claus. And, no this is not a bad take on the song I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. It really happened to me a few years ago, on Christmas Eve. It was when I was single and depressed. Depressed because I was single on Christmas I had just finished painting my toe nails, alternating each toe, red and green in an attempt to be festive. Ridiculous, I know, but it was cheering me up or maybe the Eggnog, that was one part nog, three parts rum, was cheering me up. I mean there I was spending Christmas Eve alone. My mind kept wondering what I could be doing. I kept having visions of the man of my dreams sitting with me by the fire while we exchange gifts while sipping expensive red wine. Sigh. I had the radio playing softly in the background; Christmas songs. Its so repetitive, you hear the same ones about 100 times before Christmas has really even begun. I mean they start playing them earlier and earlier every year anyway. It just seems like a whole lot of hype for just one day. A day that I would be alone. I did have a family function to go to actually on Christmas Day, but no love of my life to complain about it with afterwards. No Christmas-morning sex either. God, I just realised I havent had sex in ages. So depressing. I looked at my glass of Eggnog. It was almost empty. This time I skipped the nog and filled it to the top with rum. I am not sure when I dozed off but I did. It must have been a combination of the rum and the warmth of the fire. I had heard a weird noise, like someone was on my roof but that was impossible. Was I getting robbed? My heart started to beat uncontrollably fast. Heart attack? I was so scared. Oh course a robbery would have to happen when I was home alone with no one to protect me. It was then I noticed the fire had gone out, which was odd it had been fully blazing two seconds earlier. There was a puff of smoke Oh great! I thought, was the robber trying to smother me with smoke? I grew more panicked and was about to scream A man! A man fell from inside my chimney! He was sprawled-out on my floor. What the fuck?? I yelled. Who the fuck are you? No, dont come near me! I am going to call the cops! I was screaming as I dashed for the telephone. It was hard to do because I still had my toe-separators in that I had been using so I could paint my toe nails. Ouch! I tripped on an empty bottle of rum. Fuck! I said feeling the pain. This was so annoying. Dont! said the stranger.

Dont what I said. Dont call the police said the stranger. Why the fuck not? I asked him. I didnt know if I wanted to hear his reasoning, he could kill me in a second. I am not here to harm you said the man, I am here to give you something. I must have had an interested look on my face because the stranger smiled. He got up and it was then I noticed he was wearing a Santa Claus outfit. But it was tight, hugging to every contour and muscular-curve of his body. It was slightly breath-taking. I have never seen a man so cut in my life. But then I remembered he was probably here to rob me, kill me or both. I had the phone in my hand now and was just about to dial 9-1-1. I turned the phone on, but the line was dead. Now I was really freaking out! Please dont kill me, I squeaked because I was so terrified, Take anything you want! But I only want you, said the man. I was so confused. I have never seen this man before in my life and he wanted me? Now, I was sure that I had gotten completely hammered on the rum and hit my head on the coffee table. He started to walk towards me and I hid behind the couch. Please dont come near me! Dont touch me! I screamed, I dont even know you! I added as I was about to chuck the phone at him hoping to knock him unconscious with it. Dont hurt me Anna. I didnt mean to scare you, and of course you know me. You know me very well, ever since you were a little girl. I am Santa Claus, he explained. My mouth gapped open. He knew my name! I must have looked ridiculous staring at him like I was completely insane or he was. How do you know my name? I dont know you, I have never met you. Are you stalking me? Are you going to kill me? I asked. He let out a sexy laugh. No my sweet, I am not here to hurt you. I am here to cheer you up. I just said a few second ago that I am Santa Claus. Pffft I groaned. Santa Claus doesnt exist. Every adult knows that. You are just some lunatic here to kill me on Christmas. Something like this happens every year. Oh why? Why did it have to be me this year? I was good, I complained. I wasnt ready to die. I did not want to be the tragic, sad story on the Christmas morning news, which most people didnt even watch anyway because they were too busy opening their gifts or having Christmas morning sex.

I can assure you I am very real. Very virile he said, adding that last part rather seductively. I am standing right in front of you arent I? Come on and touch me he dared. This entire night was going too strangely, I was completely convinced that it was a dream, or some kind of bad liquor-induced trip. Realistically I was probably about to make-out with one of the gingerbread men that were on a plate on my coffee table. I inched towards him slowly, taking my time, still afraid that he could attack me any minute. But he just stood there watching me, a sexy look on his face, waiting. Waiting for me to touch him. Looking at me like I was the sexiest woman on the planet, though I definitely wasnt. I have black hair and a big bum. Sometimes my arms looked too big when I wore certain shirts and my thighs were large. I did have nice breasts though. I looked down at what I was wearing A mint green bathrobe, open, wearing a tank top (with my tits hanging out) and a pair of boy cut underwear, legs were hairy I was single. I shave my legs once a month if I am lucky. My hair was in braids at the sides of my head. I had red and green toe nails. I must have looked atrocious, ridiculous even. But the way he was looking at me was giving me chills. It was like he wanted me so badly. I could feel the sexual energy around him and it was charging me up as well. I had never felt anything like it, but at that second I decided to trust him completely. Besides this was just some crazy dream, and you cant get hurt in dreams, right? I was standing next to him now, only inches away. He smelled divine but I couldnt quite explain like what. I touched his arm. His skin was warm and soft. He was nicely tanned, almost the same colour as a gingerbread man. Man I thought to myself I really must be screwing a gingerbread man. I drank wayyyyy too much. This is actually very real, he assured me, as if he had been reading my thoughts. And I dont have gumdrop nipples. You dont look like Santa Claus, which was all I could muster to say. His masculinity was infiltrating my being seeping through every pore. It was totally ludicrous but very erotic. I can assure you, I am really him he said, he voice sounding sexier by the minute. Do you really think your sex-repressed culture could handle it if they knew Santa Claus really looked like this? He flexed his bicep. I thought about that for a minute. No way, I decided, women of all ages would be lining up in the malls to sit on his knee and tell him what they wanted for Christmas while gyrating hard into his lap. I laughed at that thought. Then Christmas would be all about sex and not about consumerism. I inched a bit closer and looked him up and down. His Santa-outfit was not doing him justice even though it clung to his body. He needed to be out of it and on top of me. I.I. I stammered. I.

You You You what? he asked as he took me into his arms and rested his hands on my ass, gently caressing it. Then he nestled his head between my neck and shoulder. I havent had sex in a really, really long time I said quickly, slightly embarrassed. Would he still want me if he knew I was practically a virgin? I mean it had been so long my hymen had probably grown back. I know you havent. I am Santa remember? I see you when youre sleeping. I know when youre awake. I know if youve been bad or good and I know when you are fucking he replied, singingly. I dont think that is how the song goes. I said. I could feel his erection on my stomach as he pressed himself up against me, holding me tight. He felt big. Thinking about how good it would feel to have a nice, big cock inside of me made me very excited. I almost let out a whimper. He inched his face close to mine. His lips so close. He went in for a passionate kiss. It was thrilling. His tongue was invading my mouth, playing with my tongue. He tasted like cinnamon. His hands started to move up and down my back. Then cupping my ass and pressing me even closer against his hard cock. I started moving against him, rubbing myself against him. It was a sensational feeling. It had been so long since I have had anything like this I almost came instantly. Before I could, he stopped abruptly. He moved his lips away from mine and moved away from me slightly. He quickly peeled off his clothes exposing his naked, hard-muscled body to me. Again, I almost had another orgasm. Never have I seen a man so perfectly sculpted. He was not scrawny nor was he too bulky. He was perfect, but then again, I guess Santa Claus would be nothing but the best. I then realised, he looked nothing like the traditional Santa Claus. He was the exact opposite, where our Santa was fat, he was lean and muscular. Where our Santa had a white hair and beard, he had black hair and no beard. But he did have a nice dusting of hair all over his body. How extremely masculine. I love hairy men. I love dark-haired men. He was too good to be true. This time I pinched myself to see if I was dreaming. Ouch! His PR person must have done a good job keeping his real looks under wraps. My eyes went lower as I was taking him in. I was really enjoying the sight when I noticed his pubic hair. Where it should have been black, crisp hairs there was red and white hairs made in the shape of a candy-cane. What the fuck is that? I asked as he followed my direction of view. Its called a penis. I know you havent had sex in a while but surely you know what a penis looks like. A penis in its erect form he replied.

No, no, no, no, no. I continued, Obviously I know what a cock looks like. I have had sex and I watch a lot of porn. Why does your pubic hair look like a candy cane? Oh that, he said, laughing. Women think its kinky. He continued in a matter-of-fact tone. Oh, well I think its tack-eee I said. It was, though, completely ridiculous, people and their weird views about pubic hair now-a-days. I only go for a bikini wax (Brazilian, never). His pubic hair turned black before my eyes and no more candy-cane shape. I gasped. It was the strangest thing I have ever seen. Magic? I guess so but before I could think about it more I decided to pay attention to his cock. It was big. It might rip me in two, I thought perversely, though I kind of liked that idea. There you go babe, nice and natural now. Get on your knees and let me fill your mouth, he almost demanded. I did as I was told though usually I am never this submissive. I was just excited to actually be experiencing sex again. Before I got to my knees I let my robe slip down in a provocative way and he grabbed my breasts and squeezed them together. Man, you have amazing tits he said as he pulled my tank top over my head and took one of my nipples into his mouth. He was slowly sucking on it. The feeling was sending chills throughout my entire body, especially to the centre. If anything can make me really wet, its playing with my tits. It works every time and it feels like heaven. While he was doing this, his cock was poking me in the stomach. It was so hard and I got wet knowing how good it would feel inside me. He gently grabbed my shoulders, pushing me downward until I was on my knees, my head right in front of his cock. Blow jobs have always been my specialty, so I started to gently tongue his balls and slowly stroke his shaft up and down. Mmmmm, that feels so good he moaned as he wound his hands in my braids. He moved my head and then plunged his cock deep into my mouth. I didnt gag. I never do. He was thrusting in and out of my mouth hard. It was such a good feeling. I couldnt wait until he was fucking me like that and feeling the weight of his body on top of mine. He thrust harder and harder. Moaning louder and louder, I thought for sure he was about to cum, but then he stopped. He got onto his knees and kissed me again, while he played with my breasts. His one hand started to travel lower until he got to the very core of me. His hand slipped through my panties and grazed the triangle of soft curls at the apex of my body. He found my clit and gently started to rub it. Fuckkk! It felt soooo good. I was moaning so much. He gently pushed me to get me to lay down on my back. He slipped my panties off and dropped them onto the floor. He spread my legs apart and started kissing my thighs. His lips came into contact with my pussy, his tongue going wild!

It felt so fucking good. Too good. My body was shaking with the pleasure he was creating. He plunged two fingers into my pussy and started to move them in and out. That felt so amazing. Surely I was going to cum any minute. I could feel myself, mounting to the occasion with my body about to explode in pleasure. I was so close. It felt so good. Any moment now. Closer, mmmmmm, almost there. About to cum He stopped everything. Hey! I shouted. I was just about to cum! my body calming down, the chance for bliss gone. Dont worry darling you will get your release soon enough and with that he thrust his cock deep into my pussy. Oh. My. God!!!! I moaned punctuating each word with each thrust. He felt fantastic. It had been so long since I have had sex. My God you are tight he said. I wasnt expecting it to feel like this Yeah, well, I do my kegels, I breathed. It was hard to concentrate when something felt so good. Mmmmm. Oh and it shows he said. I used my muscles to clench his cock even tighter. Holy fuck he groaned and drove his cock in me with all his might. Never, ever have I been fucked so hard in my life and I loved it. It felt so amazing. I felt my pleasure mounting again. I knew I was going to cum so hard. I wanted to. I needed to. Masturbation had nothing on this. I moved my hips to meet each thrust. Faster. Deeper. Harder. I was close again. So close. About to cum Suddenly I felt empty. He pulled his cock out and moaned. I felt something hot and sticky on my stomach and realised he was cumming on me. Fuck, fuck, fuck he said. Ohhhhh, that feels good and he let out a few funny moans. He pushed himself up and was standing over me. He took the Kleenex box I had on the coffee table and dropped a few on top of me. I grabbed them and wiped his cum off my stomach, breasts and neck. Hey! I said slightly annoyed. I was so close to cumming, why didnt you let me Ummm I didnt want to cum in you. We didnt use a condom and I dont want any kids Huh? I replied dumbfounded. Uh-oh. Am I going to catch some VD from Saint Nick?

Dont worry I am disease-free. I had the clap once centuries ago, lived with it for a while, until the treatment was discovered. That was a good year when I could pee without the burning sensation Ewww I whined as I was gathering my robe. I wrapped it around my naked body and tied it tight. He came over to me and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. I must be off Anna. Thank you for tonight. I will never forget your nice, tight pussy and your amazing tits he said the last bit while grazing his hand over them through the robe. I am off to the next house he stated. I was slightly annoyed now. I finally had a chance to have sex and I didnt even get to cum! I was used like some blow-up doll. So you just go around screwing single, depressed women on Christmas Eve for fun and leaving them unsatisfied while you sate your own desires? No Anna, my darling, he said. I only come once a year. And with that he was gone. Yes, there is my story. I fucked Santa Claus and it was about as satisfying as this entire holiday is. No Christmas-morning sex either.

Written and Distributed instead of traditional Christmas cards: Christmas 2008