Harry Potter and the Spanish-American War

A Novella Distorting Historical Reality in Six Tableaux

By Brandon Carro

Dedicated to Theodore Roosevelt, the real life Overly Manly Man

Tableau I: Cuban Nocturne

The clear night of February 15th displayed the magnificent luminescence of the heavens down upon Havana Bay. Amidst the musty tropic heat several soldiers and their families rested under the palm trees, gazing up at the stars in wonder. Such a placid night as this made one almost forget about the rebellion, forget about the death and destruction wrought by Spanish and Cuban forces in their attempt to control the island. It was 1898, surely there must be a better way to settle these disputes? Or had the entire chain of human progress throughout the nineteenth century been a lie? A facade of science and hope designed to enslave an underclass of colonized people? Truly this must be the hour of change upon which the future will revolve! Even if such philosophical thoughts did not move the hearts and minds of the common man, the beauty that surrounded them would ease the pain of their inner incoherence. While lost in the revere of nature these Cubans were, there was another sight in the harbor which for told a future that at once proved to be enthralling and terrifying. Anchored near the remains of Morro Castle fortress sat the battleship Maine, of the United States Navy. The ship had been sent to Cuba as a warning to Spain. Since 1895 the island had been in open rebellion, threatening not only the money and product of American merchants who had invested in the island, but also the lives of numerous American nationals currently residing there. 374 officers and men rested in their bunks, seemingly unaware of the tragic end which fate and the mind of man had bestowed upon her. " Silencio!" shouted an extremely pale man with shocking blond hair. Draco Malfoy had risen in the world since leaving Hogwarts. Looking for a career which matched his talents, he found himself in the employ of the Spanish Crown as a special diplomatic envoy. Leaving his Anglo-Saxon heritage behind, he became Senor Draco Malfoy, de la casa y lder de Slytherin, Primera Orden de la Serpiente en espiral. While not strictly under orders to attack the Maine, Draco knew that war, even a lost war, would mean a reevaluation of the diplomatic service. And that, he knew, could only benefit him! That is, assuming the bumbling Spaniards rowing his boat across the harbor could remain silent. Draco was unwilling to use magic to cross the bay, doing so would only cause alarm on the ship. Rather, it seemed wise to pose as a native trading boat, trying to sell goods to the exhausted sailors. As they pulled up along the ship, one of the guards took notice, " Avada Kedavra" whispered Draco, and the poor sailor tumbled to his fate, forever more to rest on the harbor bottom. Throwing the Spaniards a few of the worthless gold pieces their economy tries to run on, Draco lifted himself onto the deck, throwing off his cloak in the process. Dressed in the uniform of a captain, Draco cut a fine figure.

Seen here: Draco Malfoy

After making his way below decks, Draco found the ship's primary coal bunker. Such a place, were it to catch fire, would surely cause the ship to detonate. " Enciende esta zona de fuego!" murmured Draco, pointing his wand at the coal. As the coal slowly began to ignite, Draco returned to the forward deck, pondering the similarities between the magical language of the wizards and the language of the Spanish. Feeling a massive shudder and a blast of warmth from below deck, Draco summoned his broom and shot aloft into the heavens as the Maine burst into a blazing furnace of chaos, awakening the people of Havana to the glory of this immolation to Draco's ambition.

Destruction of the Maine

Tableau II: The Angel Awakens

With the sound of blast echoing throughout the city, Hermione Granger shot forth from her bungalow into the starry night. Her chestnut hair waving in the breeze as she gazed down upon the fire wreck of the Maine. Oh such eyes as hers! Hazel colored drops of heaven meant only to see the beauty in mankind, why must she turn her gaze to such scenes of destruction and violence? Was ever an angel so fair that walked upon this empty Earth? Her presence alone among the sick and injured of Havana would be enough to restore all bodily health. Such a soul is hers, she who devotes time to caring for those in need. Light from the street lamps illuminated her soft pearl shaped face, casting wondrous shadows across her checks as she ran toward the scene

Such beauty past compare!

of the disaster. If only the goodness of the earth could fly her away to an island of peace, rather than this ravaged land of war. Calling forth spells as one might sing the effervescent melodies of Tchaikovsky, she threw herself to the aid of the American sailors as they washed up on the shore. Nationality means nothing to her! She was filled with enough love to care for all, be they American, Spanish, or Cuban. Her purpose on this Earth is to bring comfort to the sick, aid to the poor, and hope for the future. The Spanish arrested her because she is white, and probably a spy.

Tableau III: Beau Brummells of Broadway

The morning of February 16th met New York with a explosion of news almost as jarring as the one that happened in Havana the previous night. As Harry Potter and Ron Wesley walked

down Wall Street, the fate of the Maine was on everyone lip's. Despite this, Harry and Ron were worried about a different woman. "Do you think she is ok?" Ron asked. "I don't know, but we have to do something! She's our best friend." replied Harry. "I know, I know, but we've spent almost all of our money! The transatlantic cable is too busy carrying news o' the impending war to Europe, and we can't get in touch with Gringotts! Do you think we could send an owl?" exhorted Ron. "Don't be daft! They can't go over the Atlantic!" As these two walked down the sidewalk the massive city enveloped them in a ecstasy of energy. Down the crowded streets ran horse and buggy, filled with newspapers and dynamite, building a city on knowledge and firepower. The great buildings towered above them, monuments to the success of man and gold. People of all shapes and color thronged the sidewalk, the dapper banker in cutaway coat and top hat mingling with the common man dressed in tattered caps and wrinkled coats. Everywhere noise! Everywhere music! The music of the city! A nation in its prime unfolding across the century. The very color of the buildings, the clothes, the street cars! All moving to the beat of the clock. Dollar here, dollar there, commerce moving and shaping the lives of millions of people across the globe. It was painfully aware to Harry and Ron that the British Empire could not compete with such a dynamo as the United States. All she lacked was overseas colonies, and judging from the war fever that swept through like a hurricane of sand that morning, the country may soon take an empire for itself.

A Nation in its Prime

"Hang on Ron! Do you still have that poly-juice?" Harry said, suddenly wheeling on his partner. "Yes, why?" retorted his startled friend. "Give it here and follow me." Snatching the bottle of potion Harry ran down Wall Street until he came to a massive marble building. Calmly walking inside, Harry and Ron ignored the questioning looks of the secretaries and clerks and proceeded to the main office. "Excuse me" Harry said, addressing a young man with a monocle and 'damn you eyes' expression, "We're here to see Mr. Morgan." "I take it you are the representatives of Mr. Hearst?" "Yeah" stammered Ron, "sure." Raising an eyebrow the helplessly didactic young man showed them into the office of Mr. J.P. Morgan, the most powerful man in the world. "You two must be the Hearst boys?" The man who spoke had a massive voice, and the deep, resonance of it echoed through the office and shook all the nerve out of Harry and Ron. "Yes, we are, we, um, needed to see if you had heard the latest news" Harry said, setting the paper down on Morgan's desk. As Morgan poured over the paper, exclaiming about the horrors war would bring to the market, Ron performed a surprisingly useful act and stole his set of spare eyeglasses. Excusing himself, he left Harry alone with J.P. "Well, um, I guess that's it then." Harry said as he turned to leave. "Surely you have the contract, don't you?" said Morgan in his massive baritone. His voiced matched the unequal power he exerted on the market. "Oh, yes, they're just outside, in the cab. Sorry! Be right back!" "Young people these days. Can barely keep their facts straight." J.P. muttered to himself as Harry quickly made his exit.

As Harry left the office he quietly pulled out his wand and pointed it at the door. " Bloqueo y Silencio." He whispered. That would buy them time. On their way out Harry told Morgan's secretary to cancel his meetings for the day, ending his sentence with the typical English guffha! of a laugh. Ducking into a nearby alleyway, Harry drank the poly juice potion with lments de Morgan in it, and quickly transformed into the massive banker.

Seen here: Harry Potter From here it was but a quick trip to the nearest bank, where Harry J.P. Potter was able to make a considerable withdrawal from the House of Morgan. Armed with their new finances, Harry and Ron set out to procure transportation to Cuba.

Tableau IV: On Eagles Wings they Soar

Unsatisfied with muggle technology, Harry and Ron set out to buy what for them would be the fastest way to reach Cuba. Stopping at a nearby shop, they each purchased the finest bicycle money could buy. With a massive front wheel (diameter: 60 in) they would surely be in Cuba in no time even without the aid of magic. As two moderately successful wizards, however, they had plan. " Quiero que volar!" Ron and Harry shouted at the same time, brandishing their wands in the direction of their new purchased vehicles. At once the bicycles began to hover, and they hopped on. Peddling furiously, they quickly shot out above the New York skyline. Strangely enough, no one seemed to notice them. America was too busy gearing up for war. This is excluding of course, one young man who noticed the

two fly away. A handsome Italian-looking man with a huge mustache, he nearly passed out at the wonder of what he had seen. " Orville! Are you alright?" Queried another man. This man, balding, with a firm but reassuring and thoroughly Protestant face rushed over to his dazed brother. "Wilber!" exclaimed Orville, "I have seen the future. We will soar on the wings of eagles!"

Tableau V: Enter the King

Sadly for Harry and Ron, their magic did not keep them aloft very far. On the outskirts of Washington D.C. the bicycles finally gave out, and they crashed down in the nation's capital. "Bloody hell!" exclaimed Ron "What we do now?" "I know of a man, tall as an bear and as strong as an Ox. If anyone can help us, he can." replied Harry. Walking across the city, they soon arrived at the Washington Mall and chanced upon the man they sought. "HOLD STILL"! Thundered a tall man with a bushy mustache and a set of pince nez glass precariously balanced on the tip of his nose. Though his voice was somewhat high pitched, it carried for miles and had the weight of authority. "IF YOU MOVE YOU DEFEAT THE POINT!" Walking up to this man, Harry and Ron could not be more surprised at what was happening. Their old friend and classmate, Neville Longbottom had been tied to the Washington Monument, and Theodore Roosevelt was throwing hatchets at him. "Neville!" Exclaimed Harry and Ron. "AH! FRIEND OF YOURS? JUST TEACHING HIM ABOUT THE STRENUOUS LIFE." said T.R. at a completely normal volume. "Mr. Roosevelt," said Harry, somewhat shocked at what he was seeing, "we need your help, our best friend has been kidnapped by the Spanish, we've got to save her!" "CAPITAL ADVENTURE! COME, WE MUST SPEAK WITH THE PRESIDENT AT ONCE. AND HERE, BRING YOUR FRIEND, HE HAS SOME APPOINTMENT IN THE CABINET, I BELIEVE." After untying Neville, they set out for the white house.

"NO!" shouted Roosevelt "GO OVER OR UNDER, BUT NOT AROUND!" This seemed odd to the trio, but in order not to anger the clearly insane man who had agreed to help them, the followed Roosevelt through ponds and bushes until they came up to the White House. "Mr. Roosevelt, the door is over here." Harry said, gesturing to the left of where T.R. stood. "ANYWHERE IS A DOOR IF YOU TRY, MUGWUMP!" said T.R. as he smashed his massive frame through the outer wall of the White House. Muttering spells and incantations to fix the mended wall, they made their way to the Oval office. "Mr. Roosevelt, President McKinley is very busy and isn't taking visitors right now." said the young doorman. "BULLY!" shouted T.R. as he shot the doorman man in the head. "ADVENTURES AFOOT! NO TIME FOR THE JELLYFISH!"

"No time for the Jellyfish" Roosevelt Harry and Ron were aghast. Teddy Roosevelt had just murdered a man in the White House. "Yeah, He does that from time to time." offered Neville. "You just sort of have to watch out for him." As they sauntered into the Oval Office, the President greeted them. "Ah, Mr. Roosevelt, so good to see you. I see you've meet the new Undersecretary of Appeasement." said William McKinley, as Neville moved to take his seat at the President's side.

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"AN ECLAIR, JUST THE SAME AS YOU MCKINLEY! NOW WHAT IS ALL THIS BUSINESS ABOUT THE MAINE?" "Probably an attack of some kind. Still though, this is not justification for war just yet. Things are too uncertain." "I ONLY HEARD THE WORD WAR!" shouted Roosevelt. "MY FRIEND HERE NEEDS TO SAVE HIS GIRL. WHAT BETTER WAY THAN A LITTLE WAR FOR THAT?" "Don't fly off the handle, we aren't certain of the situation." responded McKinley. This entire display was far too much for Harry and Ron, and they attempted to make themselves as invisible as possible, which, thanks to magic, was quite invisible indeed. "STUFF AND NONSENSE!" roared Roosevelt McKinley, out of options and mostly to get T.R. out of his office, signed a declaration of war against Spain. "YOU TWO!" T.R. said, gesturing to the invisible Ron and Harry, "WE SAIL FOR CUBA!"

Seen here: a chocolate clair

Tableau VI: The Rough Riders

Harry and Ron found Cuba incredibly disappointing. Death and disease surrounded them as they set up camp in the main U.S. base. What they saw appeared to be a tropical paradise of green trees and turquoise water. Despite such amazing beauty, the putrid smell of death seemed to be everywhere. All around them the soldiers who so valiantly set out to prove their manhood

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were dropping like flies to malaria and yellow fever. With little food and medical care, the only relief came from the American Red Cross, who did their best to make up for the army's shortcomings. "Bloody hell." said Ron. "I can see why Hermione came here." "She always knew where she was needed most." replied Harry. "God I miss her. If only we had her back." "Don't worry Ron, I'm sure we can rescue her." answered Harry. As T.R. did his best to get the young soldiers of the United States murdered, Ron and Harry set about using magic to heal and help as many of the suffering as they could. "Retire la Malaria" became their new favorite spell. Despite this, it was not enough. With the rate at which soldiers were either butchered or struck ill, there impact was but a drop of water in a barrel. One day a messenger arrived with news of Hermione. "BOYS! THEY'VE FOUND HER! SHE IS BEING HELD ATOP SAN JUAN HILL." Teddy shouted to Ron and Harry. "ALL I NEED IS A TROOP OF CAVALRY AND WE CAN RESCUE HER." "YOU BLOODY FOOL!" yelled Harry, drawing himself up before T.R. "So many people have died because of you and others like you! Just yesterday sixty men died in a patrol you led against a Spanish battleship! YOU MARCHED THEM INTO THE BLOODY OCEAN! THEY'RE SOLDIERS, NOT SAILORS. Weren't you the Secretary of the Navy? SHOULDN'T YOU KNOW NOT TO DO THAT?" "THE STRENUOUS LIFE, BOYS! THIS IS WHAT MANHOOD IS ALL ABOUT!" responded T.R. "NOW PREPARE YOURSELVES, WE MUST RESCUE HIMINHERY AT ONCE!" As Harry and Ron gathered what was left of their gear, they considered the prospect of getting killed by this psychopathic American. Meanwhile T.R. set off to find a new batch of men to led. Coming across the Rough Riders, he promptly garroted their leader with his own bow tie, and proclaimed himself the new leader of their unit. Strangely, this display of manly leadership failed to ingratiate TR to the men, and they promptly ran in the exact opposite direction of Teddy. Which, incidentally, happened to be directly up Kettle Hill. "MEN! HAVING FAILED TO PROCURE A SUITABLE GROUP TO FOLLOW US, WE WILL CHARGE ALONE. THANKFULLY I HAD PLANNED FOR THIS." said Roosevelt as he removed a massive trunk from a slightly larger trunk. T.R. proceeded to pull out a bear skin and a set of moose antlers tusks. He then set about fitting the skin over himself, and he attached the antlers to the sides of his head. Completely

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disheartened, Ron and Harry follow. Only the thought of seeing that beloved, beautiful angel gave them any courage.

T.R. prepares to charge San Juan Hill Approaching the hill, Harry and Ron felt their chance of success drop to absolute zero. Their crazed American companion gave another shout of "BULLY!" and started to run up the hill, blazing away with massive six shooters as his bear skin and tusks flapped in the breeze. Giving up all hope for life, Harry and Ron followed. As they ran up the hill, Spanish bullets cracking pass them, Harry and Ron cast the spell "Por Favor Vaya" over and over again, hoping that the Spaniards would be hit with the spell, and not one of the many axes tied unto the backs of pumas that T.R. shot from a massive crossbow. As the cannon fire rang in their ears and the stench of gunpowder filled their nostrils, Harry and Ron slowly began to realize that the battle was turning in their favor. Having reached the top of the hill, Harry and Ron subdued the last of the Spaniards with the spell "Por favor, como yo."
"BULLY! HARRY, RON! THE DAY IS OURS!" shouted T.R. from beneath his bloodedly bear skin.

Despite the ringing quality of his voice, Ron and Harry paid no attention to this unglued murderer-cum-president, for Hermione had emerged from a small gully where she had been attending to Spaniards wounded in the attack. Such an unbiased heart as hers has never hitherto or henceforth existed. "OH RAPTURE! OH BLISS!" exclaimed Ron and Harry at the same time with unbridled passion. "OH BLISS! OH RAPTURE!" replied Hermione. And all three fell into each other's arms.

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"SUCH A SPLENDID LITTLE WAR. WOULD BUT ONLY WE HAD ONE EVERY WEEKEND." said T.R., as he stood atop San Juan Hill in his tattered uniform of bear. Upon seeing the tender moment being exchanged by the young trio, Teddy's heart swelled immensely at what he had accomplished. Truly a little adventure never hurt anyone. He picked up the severed head of a Spaniard and tossed it to one of the many now uncontrolled pumas roaming the battlefield. The sun shone brightly over Havana Bay.

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