Student Perceptions of Intimate Online Relationships by Chelsea Fetch Introduction Social media has affected our lives in many

ways, whether through facebook, texting, emailing, or online chat. But one way social media has greatly impacted our lives and traditions is through online relationships. Through new forms of instant communication, new possibilities have opened up regarding who can interact. People can now easily contact someone in a different city, a different state, a different country. And after realizing that friendships were sustainable online, some people began experimenting with intimate online relationships. However, many people believe that online dating is dangerous and too impersonal. The news feeds us stories of serial killers who met their victims in chat rooms and people assume that they arent safe meeting anyone online. Actually, this is parallel to research done by Susan Wildermuth and Sally Vogl-Bauer, which found that friends and relatives of people who were involved in an online relationship were very unsupportive and were convinced it was dangerous (220). Perhaps because of horror stories in the media, many people assume that strangers online are not who they say they are. Or perhaps peoples negative perceptions of online relationships occur because they have not had one. Unfortunately, non-computer users seem to assume that no one can be trusted online and the internet is full of stalkers (Wildermuth and Vogl-Bauer 220). Another reason people generally tend to feel negatively about online relationships is the distance involved. Studies have shown that online, intimacy is lower than it is in face-to-face relationships (Scott, Mottarella, Lavooy 760). However, in a study done by Traci Anderston and Teri Emmers-Sommer of 114 participants who were involved in online relationships, intimacy and trust were found to be very closely linked (163). Thus, the people who find a close

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emotional connection with their partner are more likely to trust them, and their trust could transfer onto online dating as a whole. Despite all this, there is proof that intimate online relationships can work. On their website, eHarmony advocates that in a 2007 study by Harris Interactive, 236 eHarmony members get married every day. Those commercials that we see on television about people who found their perfect match online are not made up. There are couples who have met over massive multiplayer online games such as World of Warcraft. One factor in the differing views on intimate online relationships could be contributed to the amount of time individuals spend on the computer. Studies have shown that there is a positive correlation between the amount of time people spend online and their views of online relationships (Anderson 527). Similarly, a study conducted by Jessica Donn and Richard Sherman showed that individuals who viewed and explored dating websites regarded them more positively than those who had not (107). Donn and Shermans research also shows that graduate students are more likely to have positive views of online relationships, while undergraduates show more apprehension (115). Nevertheless, the study was conducted in 2002 and things have since changed. Many children are growing up with access to the internet, and Andersons study, as well as information in Donn and Shermans study, showed that those who spend more time online think better of online relationships (527, 115). Consequently, my hypothesis is that college students have more positive views of romantic online relationships. The questions I would like to answer are: Why do/dont people pursue online relationships? How do people perceive intimate online relationships?

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Methods To research these questions, I set out to form a representative sample of how college students perceive and are impacted by intimate online relationships. In order to do this, I made an online survey asking 103 NDSU students their feelings about online relationships and their experiences, if they have had any. These participants consisted of 56 (54%) males and 47 (46%) females, with ages ranging from 17-25+, though the majority of participants ages were 18 and 19 (24% and 35%, respectively). To try and reach more in-depth and specific answers, I also interviewed three college-aged individuals who were not involved in the online survey and who have been in online relationships. To protect their privacy, I will refer to them as Dave, Aaron, and Jay. Both the survey and interview questions are in the Appendix.

Results and Discussion My results were very different from what I thought they would be; in fact, my research showed the opposite. Of the 103 surveyed, 91 (88%) said they had never had an intimate online relationship, and 83 (81%) indicated that they would not join a dating site such at eHarmony or Match.com. When those who had not ever had an online relationship were asked about their thoughts and feelings of online relationships, two responses were recorded more than the rest: online relationships are either for other people or too dangerous. Multiple individuals indicated that though not opposed to the idea, online relationships are just not for me. Many indicated that they are traditional, old-fashioned, or would just rather meet face to face. However, some had positive responses: I think that they can work and I know a few people who have used online dating sites and are now happily married; though I don't think online relationships are for everyone. Another stated, They would require a lot of work, a lot more than a 'normal'

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relationship. I have respect for people who can handle an intimate online relationship. Many responders indicated that he/she could not trust someone they met online: I'd be afraid someone was pretending to be someone they weren't to try to take advantage of me. Another participant claimed, It's too...creepy. You never know what the person on the end is truly likeI think it just isn't the smartest way to go about doing things. Another large group of individuals thought that online relationships are unrealistic. One responder simply stated, They are not real. Others claimed, They're unrealistic. You may hit it off, but really, they're a waste of time. Other participants felt that online dating is fine for socially awkward people, or as a last resort when conventional methods fail. One person stated, I think there is a stigmathat it is the place to go when more traditional or conventional methods fail. When asked why they would or would not pursue an online relationship, the majority of people surveyed answered that the lack of physical contact and the dangers of predators steered them away from it. For some people, they work fine, responded one individual. Other people need to physically see and touch people, and an online relationship probably wouldnt work for them. Another responder said, Probably not just because I want to be able to hold them when something goes wrong, I want to be able to gently kiss them when I say goodbye. However, many participants indicated that if they were older and wanted to get married, they might go online to find a mate. I might consider pursuing an online relationship if I had trouble finding someone significant via meeting people face to face, said one individual. The other main reason people wouldnt pursue a relationship online is because many respondents thought it was risky. Multiple people indicated that there are too many creeps online, and he/she wouldnt be able to trust someone they couldnt meet in person. One

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individual said, It's hard to invest that much time into something that can so easily be exploited. Another stated, I would rather find a guy on my own and not end up with some creep who may or may not be lying online. You can be anyone you want on a computer. Many of the respondents said that their main concern is that the person would be lying about who they are. As for the few who did have an online relationship, the responses were mixed. Six (50%) said they would pursue an online relationship again, and six (50%) said they would not. Many who said they would have an online relationship again indicated that an emotional connection made online relationships different than traditional relationships. One participant said, Online relationships are based more on an emotional connection and a connection of the minds than one based on physical attraction. Another stated, I think online dating allows you to get to know a person better because then you aren't focusing on physical aspects of the relationship. There is more talking which allows you to know the person more then you probably would have without the online aspect. I received similar answers from the three men I interviewed. Dave, who is still in an online relationship that has lasted almost 6 years, stated, If you can spark emotions through merely communicating, it shows the level of understanding that exists between two people. In normal relationships, they can heavily rely on the physical aspect, often leaving each other emotionally neglected to a degree. He went on to indicate that their level of intimacy is still very high: What was once an internet relationship grew into that voice you always hear and can never live without. Similarly, Aarons comments about online communication and intimacy show that the alleged 'Rules of Dating' present in the real world do not apply online. There is no

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protocol based on who calls first, who initiates what kind of conversation...what I'm basically saying is that conversation is freer online. However, Jay revealed a downside to a strictly communication-based online relationship: Relationships online can drift apart if you are unable to speak for several months, and if too much time passes the relationship between the two of you is never going to be the same, even if you try and pick up where you left off. Aaron went through this first-hand with his online relationship; he revealed that the person moved to a different city, and with differing time zones they could no longer find us time. As for those who would not go through another online relationship, answers were closer to those who had never had an online relationship. The lack of physical contact was the main issue, as one person stated that they [online relationships] normally don't last unless you can physically be with the person. Almost all of these responders indicated that the worst part of an online relationship is not being able to see or physically spend time with the person. Of the three men I interviewed, Jay, who has had multiple online relationships, stated that the biggest difference between traditional and online relationships was distance and lack of physical interaction. Talking comes to have an increased meaning and it is easier to get jealous of your partner when you can't be totally sure what they are up to. However, none of the people who had been in an intimate online relationship indicated that they were worried about whether their partner was lying about who they were online. The dangers and risks of meeting someone who is lying was one of the main concerns of those who had not been in an online relationship. This could mean that those who have not experienced an online relationship are more likely to regard them negatively because they have never met anyone online. This is paralleled to a study mentioned in the introduction, where people who

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were in online relationships experienced no support from their family and friends (Wildermuth and Vogl-Bauer 220).

Conclusion I originally started my research to try and find out how students perceive intimate online relationships and the differences between an online and traditional relationship. I hypothesized that the younger generation would be more open to technological-based relationships, but my research proved that to be wrong. Many participants found online relationships to be unrealistic and dangerous. However, this response could be attributed to those individuals lack of experience with online relationships, as those who have had online relationships regarded them more positively. Based on this research, more studies could be done to help explain why individuals perceive online relationships as dangerous and what is specifically making people shy away from intimacy online. In addition, this research could be expanded to more universities and more age groups, so it is not restricted to NDSU students. This study successfully shows that perceptions of intimate online relationships differ based on who has had that experience, and online relationships differ from traditional relationships by having increased emotional intimacy.

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Works Cited Anderson, Traci L. "Relationships among Internet Attitudes, Internet Use, Romantic Beliefs, and Perceptions of Online Romantic Relationships." CyberPsychology & Behavior 8.6 (2005): 521-531. Academic Search Premier. EBSCO. Web. 30 Sept. 2009. Anderson, Traci, and Tara Emmers-Sommer. "Predictors of Relationship Satisfaction in Online Romantic Relationships." Communication Studies 57.2 (June 2006): 153-172. Academic Search Premier. EBSCO. 24 Sep. 2009 <http://proxy.library.ndsu.edu/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=tr ue&db=aph&AN=20750757&site=ehost-live&scope=site Donn, Jessica E., and Richard C. Sherman "Attitudes and Practices Regarding the Formation of Romantic Relationships on the Internet." CyberPsychology & Behavior 5.2 (2002): 107123. Academic Search Premier. EBSCO. Web. 1 Oct. 2009. Scott, Veronica M., Karen E. Mottarella, and Maria J. Lavooy. "Does Virtual Intimacy Exist? A Brief Exploration into Reported Levels of Intimacy in Online Relationships." CyberPsychology & Behavior 9.6 (Dec. 2006): 759-761. Academic Search Premier. EBSCO. 24 Sep. 2009 <http://proxy.library.ndsu.edu/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=tr ue&db=aph&AN=23579772&site=ehost-live&scope=site>. Wildermuth, Susan M., and Sally Vogl-Bauer. "We Met on the Net: Exploring the Perceptions of Online Romantic Relationship Participants." Southern Communication Journal 72.3 (June 2007): 211-227. Academic Search Premier. EBSCO. 23 Sep. 2009 <http://proxy.library.ndsu.edu/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=tr ue&db=aph&AN=26040397&site=ehost-live&scope=site>.

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www.eharmony.com. Harris Interactive Survey 2007.

Fetch 10 Appendix Anonymous Survey about Online Relationships

Please answer questions as best you can and try to be as specific as possible. Though specific answers are at my discretion to use, all answers will remain anonymous and be used for academic purposes only.

1. What is your gender/age? 2. How many intimate relationships have you been in? 3. Have you ever been or would you ever be interested in joining an online dating site such as eHarmony or Match.com? 4. Have you ever been in an intimate online relationship? YES NO 5. Would you ever be interested in joining a dating website such as eHarmony or Match.com? YES NO If no, continue to #5. If yes, continue to #7. 6. Please explain your thoughts and feelings about online relationships. 7. Would you ever pursue an online relationship? Why or why not? 8. How many intimate online relationships have you had? 9. In your opinion, how do online relationships differ from traditional relationships? 10. Would you pursue an online relationship again? YES NO 11. What would you say was the best and worst things about your online relationships? Please be as specific as possible. 12. Any additional comments? Interview Questions How many intimate online relationships have you been in? How would you say online relationships differ from traditional relationships? Do you feel that there is more of an emotional connection in online relationships? Explain. How long did your online relationship last? (Give your closest estimate to the nearest month)
If you have had multiple online relationships, either list all of them or give the most recent.

Did you meet the person online? If so, how? Did you ever meet the man/woman with whom you had the relationship in person? Did you intend the relationship to be long-term? Did it last? If you broke up, what was the reason? How would you describe the level of intimacy in your online relationship(s)? If seeking a relationship, would you consider using a website such as eHarmony or Match.com? Would you rather be in a traditional relationship or an online relationship? Anything you would like to add?