My Spiritual Biography & Environmental Impact

Some people think we are born a blank slate and only await for society to imprint upon us what it is meant to be human with all the virtues and vices this package entails. However as much as scientists may prefer this sterile and safe (no apriori) thought if one were to ask any parent with multiple children they can tell you that we come with some pre-set features, mostly being personality! I believe that we have a soul and as such that humans come to life being their own persons. With this said I can say that I was a born theist. I was always aware of a deep connection to "something" but until middle school years was never inclined to define it. This essay will track this simple connection and acknowledgment through a life that has had to run the bloody gauntlet of Definition. As our Religious Diversity class has brought up the idea that ideas can be passed through eons one mind at a time, this got me to thinking about how I ended up such a theist core with that spiritual mentality absolutely not being apart of what was my nurtured environment (Long Beach, CA). I thought can it be possible that a strain of spiritual thought itself be passed within generations? My family is white (European Heinz-57 it's called) but there is a Native American connection through my grandmother. This connection fascinated my mother and I was born in the midst of this fascination. She would teach me what she learned and take me to pow wows. This made up my most impressionable years and would instill within me the acceptance and acknowledgement of Spirit. That was it. And that was enough until I grew in maturity and realized that my society does not like a spiritual belief to be left undefined. In fact it seemed that once a person or group heard my simple "connection" they had to pin it down and dissect it for "validity". Validity? I had to "prove" my connection in order for me to have one it seemed. I remember vividly the first time I went to a Christian bible study (think they were evangelicals hence they caught me!) and I told them that I already had a connection thank you so what else is there for me to do? They responded that once one was converted to Christianity one would then have a "relationship" with God which was better than thinking I had a connection. I thought that was funny and told them that I already had a relationship with God, so what next? They then said that then one would have a dialogue and a mentor for getting through, and again I said I already have that. Make an end to this story it brought to light that Christians (for the most part) only allow a person to have God if it is through their aegis. But...

As I was not born an anti-social person and also having not been sent the memo until far later in my life to tell me it was allowed to tell people that want to define you against your inner-self to go fuck themselves, I honestly believed that they might be right. So I began the longest and most exhausting journey of my life, "what" do I believe? Nevermind the fact that I always had God before, (as I'm sure there was a God before Moses) and my connection through my mind would softly laugh at my really stupid attempts to what amounted to pleasing other people. But "they" said I had to have a name and a church and a temple and a doctrine and a philosophy and history and pastor, guru, monk...on and on the definitive list went. And on and on I went too. I must have looked at every religion and very much the metaphysical ideas (as it was the most undefined but people seemed to accept it for it's paranormal entertainment value). I kept with the Christian track until one day (I must have about 18) a pastor said that in comparing the "truths" of Buddhism to Christianity, Buddhism was fundamentally wrong in thinking that truth came from within, when in fact every Christian should know that truth can only be had from without, in this Bible! That was the final straw for me as well as the contagious judgmental mentality that Christianity is famous for (I would see people as needing to be "saved", it was an us vs. them mindset and I realized that it was exactly what I never wanted to become). So ended the Christian experiment. But the ideas of ultimate judgement and Christ would always linger as they were potent memes and my own personal spirituality was such an ephemeral one. As I said I looked at the other offerings my society held up for sale and finally settled on metaphysics. Our current society seems to be enamored with metaphysics what with Harry Potter and The Secret (never read it myself but I did read HP, who hasnt?!) and of course the da Vinci Code! People seem to want a quicker way of achieving results that doesn't involve the grind. I completely sympathize. I thought here was a group that left other minds and souls alone and seemed to only want to help others in their "path". I jumped in the deep end with no floaties or emergency kit. I dabbled in tarot (and at one time was pretty weirdly good at it) but mostly just chilled with thoughts of universal consciousness (which Jung once remarked was an oxymoron, who knew?). No I didn't do any drugs, my intent was as pure as a newly converted Mormon preparing for his first mission. And I do want to say I did meet wonderful people whose intent was not to bilk people's money through charlatan craftsmanship, but that I saw true contributions being made to their fellow man, and I will never discount them. However, as peace-loving as this "path" seemed it ended being the most destructive for me. I could never "evolve" enough and was always backsliding into low-materialistic emotional tendencies, mostly because I gave a shit what happened to people living in this world and my mentors would castigate this and say I had to "detach"

myself. Well I detached myself right into the ground until one day my connection said softly to me "are we done here?" Letting this way of life go was one of the hardest for me because if there is one thing that I have learned in having no religion but being aware of everyone else's has taught me it was self-honesty. How do I let go a structure to go back to a simple core when society distrusts anything without structure? - Tangent I would like to argue that as a theist I am one of the most spiritually disciplined people I have ever met. How is this the case? Hear what George Orwell said in his Politics of English Language (stuff in parenthesis and bold are my comments): You can shirk it by simply throwing your mind open and letting the ready-made phrases (or ready-made beliefs) come crowding in. They will construct your sentences(beliefs) for you -- even think your thoughts for you, to a certain extent -- and at need they will perform the important service of partially concealing your meaning even from yourself. It is at this point that the special connection between politics and the debasement of language(spirituality) becomes clear. (https://www.mtholyoke.edu/acad/intrel/orwell46.htm)

What I am saying is that I never had a convenient book to open on a weekend or mornings if I were feeling extra vigilant, and I never had a pastor or mentor (except for that brief metaphysical period) to depend on for having the answers so I could then get on with my day. No. I had to always be aware of what my environment, my encounters, events, basically of everything going on everyday in order to "stay on the right and proper" path. What do I mean by this? How can one stay "right" if they don't have an defined God, just an acknowledgment of "something"? I'll tell you this, in the trial of Socrates after he was convicted he then let loose a personal truth. He told of his "truth-voice" and that this faculty didn't tell what to do, only what not to do. The first time I read this I was shocked, as all my life I depended on what I call resonance and dissonance. In doing an act that is good and right for my growth and for those about me, there is a resonant feeling, and in doing a thing that is "not-me" there is a renting feeling of dissonance. I know that many could and would call this the social contract felt on the visceral level, and they may be right. But I believe that my creator is on the other side of these cords and with daily synchronisities help herd me to be the best version of myself. End Tangent -

(Back to essay proper and the conclusion.) I have used the above tangent to explain about self-honesty. I have ever been vigilant against people with belief systems that would try to corral me into their herd as I have seen a mob mentality of us vs. them that I never could feel right with. And in doing so I would always have to know what was wrong and right with said systems for me to make a fair and sound judgement. Entering the military only exacerbated this tendency, but it did finally teach me the absolute wonderful virtue of assertivism. Now I wrote my own memo on telling the Definitive Henchmen to go fuck themselves, as I am more of a Christian or Muslim or whatever then they ever were! Finally and as I said recently, I have come back to my core belief, and life has not only blossomed with wonderful color but has accelerated, especially my mind, as it was probably bogged down with what I told it was imperative to learn (no matter how counter-productive or destructive) other belief systems, and being a superb functioning machine it did all I asked of it. But now we are both back in our right minds and can now get on with my life, being a decent, helpful, kind, productive human being. Fin.