Intense Psychiatric Philosophy By Andrew William Kennedy Prologue: In a time of heightened awareness, a seemingly naive young man embarks

on an adventure physically boring yet mentally it is as exciting as anything ever imagined. The following thoughts were collected many years after they came to mind. Thus the original transcripts of episodes one and two would have been thousands of pages long and maybe a little more honest. Imagine that everything you say, do or think is criticized by mysterious voices in your head. To keep the voices quiet, you must live the perfect life. After some success and some failure, the dopamine and serotonin in the author's brain caused a great battle of epic proportions to ensue. I am talking about Good and Evil, God and Satan and all that really matters. They will arrest him, perform experiments on him, drug him and lock him up. He will lose all credibility and no one will know the message he was given. His best friend will not speak to him. His second best will live a life of mediocrity without him. This is alright because the father did not want Andrew to be a fisher of men...yet. Early in the morning, before he would be taken away, Andrew awoke from his twenty-minute full night's rest and saw nothing but a blinding light. It was a vision of God's Sun , but it was not God's only sun. Andrew begged God not to take him yet and God filled Andrew with peace. I asked in his name and I received in his name. Episode One I've been through Hell and I am not afraid to go there again, because I handled it once and I will handle it again. There is a way of thought that doesn't have a name yet. It is not a religion or philosophy. It cannot be categorized. I have not reached this level of thought yet, but knowing that I will, brings me great peace. It is important to take my time learning this way of thinking because I want to get it right. Once I have it, it will be mine forever so what is another hundred or thousand years. Jesus taught me that if you find yourself a god of many people, it is your responsibility to make a good example of yourself for those who don't think like you yet. Buddha taught me that doing less accomplishes more and to love without possessing. It is the clinging to things that keeps us from moving forward. You can squeeze a hand full of sand forever or you can let a world of sand flow through your fingers. What is money to a dolphin in paradise? What is a dolphin to a rich man in hell? Woe to Andrew for striking the ones who came to save him and more woe to them who strike Andrew back. Religion should not threaten you. It should only give you good advice. Being scared doesn't save you. There may be one god; there may be millions. It doesn't matter, as long as there is at least one good one. Age does not guarantee wisdom. Age does not always guarantee reason. A child with a certain mental capacity can obtain more wisdom from a Disney movie than his parents can gather in a lifetime. Once a person thinks,I am wise he may no longer be wise. It seems the goal in life is to stop learning and start earning. Stay in school for sixty years and you might not earn more than a high school

dropout. Maybe schools are not always the best place for learning. I say experience everything possible so you can judge it correctly. Mary and Carrie were two nurses who escorted Andrew to his room and had him lie on his bed. Love them, for they know what they are doing He heard. They proceeded to unbutton his shirt and removed bandages left from all of the tests the doctors performed on him. What is your name, they asked. Billy he replied, Billy Kid. From then on, some thought of him as Andrew and others called him Billy the Kid. I saw a sign it said: yield. Get good at yielding and there is nothing you can't do. Sometimes you can climb a mountain only to fall to your death. You can squat real low to jump real high. Many religious paths get narrower and narrower as you follow them. I usually wander off on my own path because no one has ever been on my path before. It is my job to explore this place. On July 20th 1975, exactly six years after the moon landing, Joseph and Marie Kennedy had a son born under a shining star in the house of Thomas(St. Thomas Hospital Akron, Ohio) Twenty years later, Andrew would return here to be raised unto eternal life. So called Christians give less to the poor than they do to the collection basket at church in support of the guys who tell them to give to the poor. Why don't they trust me to provide such good advice? I won't charge a dime. Andrew Cures The Lame Andrew walked down the hall and saw a young man in a wheelchair staring at him. Who are you? The crippled man asked. I am God Andrew said and I command you to get up and walk! The young man slowly but surely got up and took a few steps without falling. You have to leave him alone, Billy, it is no fun being in a wheelchair a nurse said. Later, Andrew sat in a spare wheel chair and rolled himself all around the halls of Center Five(The name for the Psychiatric Ward) How would you like it if you had to be in one of those all of the time, said another nurse. Oh, I could get used to it, said Billy. [ The name of the young man in the wheelchair is Nathan. Thirteen years later I still run into him at Community Support Services in Akron and by the way, he still walks just fine.] When some people get kicked in the head their whole life and then one day it stops, they find some other way to get kicked in the head. When a good person finally stops getting their head kicked, he feels so good, he wants to go out and free others. Not because he has to, but because he wants to. If you want to make the world a safer place, put everyone in prison. The best things should be free. We should only pay for the bad things, but only what they are worth, no more. The more pleasure you seek, the less pleasurable the unpleasant things become. Thus, the need for pleasure grows exponentially. I learned this from Lithium . It kills both pleasure and pain and leaves me in the middle. I find this middle delightful. My drugs help me focus on reality. Illegal drugs take one's mind off reality. Reality never ceases to amaze me. [I have managed to stay out of the hospital the last twelve years by taking my medicine every day]

Andrew Saves Andrew had dinner with a diabetic who was in her thirties and marked with scabs that had something to do with diabetes. The woman tried to get a nurse's attention but was to weak to speak. Andrew immediately yelled the nurse's name and after a few adjustments were made with her blood, she was fine. [The diabetic would have been fine without me, but you can see these things added to my delusions.] You can't choose your body, so why do we honor the good looking? Hate can be very subtle. Sometimes we can't admit we hate people so we say we hate whatever it is that the hated one likes. If this happens with too many people, we begin hating everything. At night we reflect on what we did during the day or throughout our lifetime and look for ways of improving or making thing more efficient. If you do not do this consciously, you do it unconsciously. Consciously is better. Some call this Meditation. Give yourself five minutes a day to sort it out when you are awake and avoid tossing and turning. [At this point, I have to laugh because who was I to give advice on mental health?] Andrew Destroys Racism At every meal, Billy drank two serving size cartons of milk. White milk and chocolate milk were his favorites and he always threw the empty cartons in the trash when he was done, no matter what kind they were. [I took this ritual seriously. In episode two, my English professor in college at Akron University, who happened to be Black, encouraged me to drink my milk] To save the world, start by saving yourself. Next, save another. Together, save two others. This is the only multi-level marketing program that is good for everyone. A faster program requires dying on a cross or starving under a tree. Whatever is best for you. If a loved one dies, I say don't die with him. Live twice as hard from then on. Forgiveness can save your life. Being angry is your enemy's greatest assault on you. Lao Tzu and Chuang Tzu do not receive royalties for their wisdom, why should I earn a cent for these lousy writings. My lawyer would like to add the following: Reading another's religious writings does not commit you to any contractual agreement to label yourself something. What would you be if you were born somewhere else? Stay open minded. God doesn't mind if you stray from the path for a little while. A Catholic or Protestant can learn from an Atheist like an Atheist can learn from a Buddhist and a Buddhist a Christian. It is not always necessary to do what Jesus would do. He already did it. Do what you would do, make Jesus proud! In this life, it is easy to join a club and stay socially healthy. The persona you create for yourself

may make you popular here, but what have you created for your eternity? How many famous movie stars can you name from eighty years ago? When something gets big it becomes harder to maintain. I say Stay small and take what you need. Getting a camel through the eye of a needle is easy if you take your time cutting it up into small pieces . It is very messy though. There is no me in me, yet the everlasting me miraculously exists! I do not understand it If I did understand, I would no longer be me. It is fun not knowing sometimes. If Jesus didn't perform miracles, would you still follow him? Good for you if you say yes! In some clubs, membership doesn't always make you a better person. The serial killer you see at mass might need attention outside of the building as well as inside. Protestant, Catholic, Jewish or Buddhist, stop sleeping in church for Christ's sake. Who is Satan the psychiatrist asked Andrew. Satan is the one who shows no confidence in what I do and talks me into doing things that make him look good, things that are safe and socially acceptable. He wants me to be safe not sorry, but now that I am safe, I am always sorry Andrew explained. What does he tell you to do? inquired the doctor. He tells me to stay at the company I work for, even though the job bores me to death. He tells me to spend my hard saved fortune on school to get another job I will not like. Why do you think Satan is trying to destroy you? asked the doctor. Satan has a total sense of futility in everything he does. He cannot undo what God did to him. He wants to destroy his own soul, but once a soul is created, it can never be destroyed. Satan despises anything that shows even the smallest sign of contentment. Until God finds a cure for Satan's manic depression, the world will be tormented by him in extreme and subtle ways. [I don't know how psychiatrists listen to stuff like this all day and stay sane.] It is always better to actually be right than for people to think you are right. If everyone on the planet were the Dalai Lama, eventually there would be no one left. The Earth would be a paradise again. I'll bet Judas still feels like a jackass even now. Seek enlightenment like a hospital patient with a catheter seeks a place to pee. Just let it go! It is fun to criticize critics because hey, who are they to judge? Native Americans never owned the land, neither do we. We don't even own our own bodies, how could we own land? I hope the rest of my life is painful because I want to remember not to do it again. It is not that you have to give everything up. You just don't need it anymore! Angry people are upset because they don't get what they want. People who don't want anything are never angry and they always get what they want. It's like getting a pizza first, then ordering it. The people selling you stuff do not care about

what you want as long as it is what they are selling. We can thank a large rock for destroying the dinosaurs and making room for us, just as a million years from now, a great species is thanking us for being so stupid. When I eat the Holy Eucharist, it is not I but Christ in me. He is eating himself!! Neat! Do penguins know about lizards? Do fish in one pond know about fish in another? Do Gods have Gods? It is better to have more questions than answers. We don't own our bodies. We are just renting them. Make sure you get your security deposit back! If you don't believe in God, then why are you angry with him? Today, the doctors tried to scare the Be Jesus out of me. If you feel you are ready for heaven, then die already! Some people give a little and worry that it is too much. Others give all that they have and hope it is enough. If you must beat a horse, please beat a dead horse. He can't feel it. Great people unite to fight a common enemy, later they separate and create new enemies. Killing the scapegoat does not kill the problem. Kill the problem and the scapegoat will turn out to be a decent guy. Firm believers and devout skeptics are the same physically. There is only a slight difference in the noise they make. Some raise themselves by lowering others. You follow them, not because they are better but because they are no worse. These leaders do not last long. A similar one replaces the older one and the cycle starts again. Hitler believed in this eternal return of the way things are. He raised by lowering. The master race would never prosper because there would always be a more elite master race and the group would get smaller and smaller. Eventually Hitler himself would be the scapegoat. His fight was lost even before it started. It is time to raise by raising. If seeing the Virgin Mary in your breakfast or seeing blood on hands, feet and side affirms your shaky belief in God, then your faith needs a checkup. When ideas are understood, words are no longer necessary(Chuang Tzu). When Gods are understood, their forms are no longer needed. I have friends who enjoy being around me without talking very much. We have nothing to prove and we do not compete. St. John of the Cross was correct when he advised avoiding illusions and delusions when walking in the Dark Night of the Soul. Turn off the senses and let faith be your guide. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. While the student is not ready, countless socalled masters will waste his precious time. Take your time finding a master and take your time being a student. When a woman preparing young ones to be confirmed in the Catholic Church, invited me to join the group, I decided to take a risk of carrying my voices to her house. When I got there I realized I was not ready, but she insisted I was. The other young men and woman did nnot seem ready to me, but they are officially Catholic now and I am not.

I can't wait until the next disaster. I want to show off my honor, bravery, courage, loyalty, faith, patriotism and selflessness. But until then, I will be quiet about the whole thing. Lets raise bytruly raising and never stop. I want to know everything. I will download the entire internet and sort it out later. The fact that a man can live without ever praying or attending Mass and still be a model citizen, does not astound me. When we laugh, it is always at the expense of something. A little pain brings great pleasure. Larger amounts of pain do not seem as funny, but if they did, imagine the size of the laughter! If everything became free, we wouldn't need as much. The good stuff would still be good. There would be no advertising. The news lady would just give the news. The best shoes would only be shoes. Opinions would not require a financial investment. Hating yourself is selfish. Loving yourself is egotistical. I treat myself like a good parent treats a child. I love him but sometimes I get angry with him. I only drink when I am alone. I want to be awake and fully alert when I talk to my friends. I don't party to forget something: I celebrate to remember. I want to save all of my money for eighty years, take it to Vegas and let it all ride on double zero at the roulette table. If this sounds stupid then why do we gamble at all? The guy on T.V. Says I have been born again and I don't have to sin anymore. Thank God for T.V., without it I would surely burn in Hell. Dear Jesus, please excuse the starving children who were never baptized. I realize they are not as spiritually advanced as I am but give them a chance. Oh, one more thing, please forgive me for not giving them food. The Will To Power sounds exciting, but what would we really do with this power? The world is perfect right now! Choose your own adventure. If you stay awake long enough, you can hear God. Stay awke even longer and you become God. Then they give you a large tranquilizer in the butt cheek. When you wake up, you are no longer God and it is really depressing. This world doesn't like gods so please sleep on a regular basis(On the seventh day God Rested). Conversation in Hell: Are you hot? Yeah I'm Hot. It sure is hot in here Yeah, it sure is Hear from Joe lately? Yeah, He says it is real hot. Yeah, aint that the truth! I no longer sleep, so I don't need a home. I do not eat anymore so I don't need money. I tried this before a couple of times but I made the mistake of believing people were hearing my thoughts. This time, I will make a record of what is going on in my head. The honest spontaneity of the original message was unbelievable, but I guess you had to be there. The joke was on me. I abused my imaginary

power and used it for personal gain. Good thing I was just crazy or things would be pretty messy right now. [ When I first wrote this, the voices in my head were insults and mindless chatter. Now, all I hear is soft mindless chatter.] When we are born everything is mysterious and interesting. As we get older, the colors cease to fascinate us and music loses it's splendor. Eventually, we are sick of this place and want to go home. Now would be a good time to remember that grains of sand thing from earlier. Most people can't play professional sports or earn millions selling bean futures. We no longer have to hunt and kill our own dinner. It is time to be creative. If you cannot stand your mundane existence, try wearing underwear over your jeans for a day. I did it once in high school and I loved it. If you hear a sick sense of desperation in the laughter of the voices insulting you in your head, it is due to the lack of damage they are causing. They like it when I get upset. At it's worst, schizophrenia is like being in a mash pit at a death metal concert while you are actually just taking a shower. At it's best, it is like being one of 97 out of 100 chronic normals. Being normal is better than being God; at least that is what they tell me. If you disagree with someone, tell him why. Don't simply say they are a fat bag of hot gas. Explain why he is wrong in a calm fashion. If you can't do that, maybe you are a hot bag of gas. There is one guy I associate with who likes to raise by lowering. In desperate times, I sold him two cars. The second car I asked for $600 but he got me down to $400 in about two seconds. It is my fault for being so easy to take advantage of. This same man will read this on a Palm Pilot I sold him at a third of it's value. His house has a lot of my old stuff. I must say he did give me many things like a bucket and a worn out recliner. Oh yeah, he gave me a air pump for my bike so I could ride to his house; he was always so considerate I must not use these pages to discredit him like calling him a fat bag of hot gas. Sure he's overweight, getting older, divorced and single, unemployed dodging student loan officers and driving without insurance. There is one who came before me named Ben. His faith is stronger than mine. When we were young, my brother, a neighbor and Ben built a temple in Ben's backyard. It took months but it was worth it. After my brother and my neighbor filled the temple with wickedness, Ben destroyed it in three days. I pretended to be angry like my brother but inside I thought it was great. My neighbor always gave me attention when it was convenient, but Ben always wanted to save my soul. I deeply appreciate what he wanted to teach me and I hope he doesn't read my book because it is nothing compared to his. Few will know about his path because they do not appreciate what he does. I have denied God hundreds of times and I have not heard rooster yet. Ben remains strong. I have to be a wise guy so my followers will learn something that is natural to Ben. [I've talked to Ben since writing this and he is still strong. He works at a homeless shelter and leads a Christian singles group at his church.] My people are lazy and full of craving. They do not think they are going to die. If you remember what happened twenty years ago, you can imagine how short life will seem after it is over. Seek and Ye shall find. I think King Herod and Hitler are probably someone's bitch right now. Everyone needs a friend. What about the people who slaughtered American Indians? What did the Indians call this country? I don't think the called themselves Indians.

If someone starts invoking the fire of the east or the wind of the south in a serious manner, please call 9-1-1 immediately. I had breakfast with God today. What? You think I am kidding? I read in the Gospel of Thomas that Jesus can be found in my bowl and my spoon. What? You did not read the Gospel of Thomas. It didn't survive the editing room for the official Bible. If there is that certain heaven or hell, the joke will be on the porn star. If there isn't, the joke is on us. It is sad that I am not included in the 144,000 of the New Jerusalem, ye Howard Stern has a chance. If you don't have a good reason to spend quality time with an excellent friend, make one up! I watched professional wrestling for a year at a friend's house. I don't even like wrestling. Write Club Rules: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Everything you write, is for write club. EVERYTHING YOU WRITE IS FOR WRITE CLUB. All words in write club are given away free of charge. You will do your best to say what you mean and mean what you say. All the money you save at write club will be used for food because even if everything is free, someone must drive the bread truck. 6. You are no better than other writers. You are not special. 7. Don't insult another's work unless you equally insult your own. Try insulting yourself anyway. If you want to criticize my writing , go for it. You should hear what the voices are saying. There are three basic categories for understanding writing: 1. You understand exactly what the writer is saying and agree or disagree. 2. You miss-understand the writing and form a worthless opinion. 3. You think the writer is suffering from a mental illness. I must say that understanding exactly is best, mental illness is second best and misunderstanding is always worst. I projected the archetype of Satan on my mother more than my father because I have always been more concerned about her approval than his. As father and son, I am a genetic extension of my father's hopes and dreams that could have been accomplished had he remained single and not had children. It is my duty to either pass on the dream to my own son or live it out myself or share the burden with my older brother. I do not consider it a burden and thank God that my parents gave me this opportunity. My brother and I are definitely living very different lives than our father at this age. I am taking the risks my grandfathers want me to take, mental illness and all! [Four years after I wrote this, my brother got married and they have a beautiful little girl.] If someone asks me to listen to the sound of one hand clapping, I actually hear something but I should remind you that I am schizo-affective. At birth I am the uncarved block. As I get older, I cut away pieces pieces and become well defined. At death, I reach perfection.

Would I swear so much if I never heard a swear word? Would I drink beer if I never knew it existed? How about the union of male and female?........alright I will stop there. I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that I don't know what you are thinking. What makes you think you know what I am not thinking? Do you know what I am thinking? I have spent my life working very hard on a monumental project. I separated and organized every human by age, gender, race, creed, height, weight, sexual preference, occupation, income, tax bracket, favorite vice, etc. and when I am finished, each individual was placed all alone in his or her personal group classification. What the hell did I do that for? At election time, I vote for the guy with the biggest sign on the side of the road. When visiting Korea, I ate a hotdog. When I returned home, I ate good old fashioned dead cow meat. A depressed man took drastic measures to end his pain. He built the first time machine and traveled back to the time his mother was pregnant with him. He pleaded with her to get an abortion. After due consideration the man got his wish. Thanks to abortion rights, we do not have time machines! I teach the blind to paint and the deaf to sing.....well nothing worth looking at or listening to, but they have fun. Thank God I still have my kitchen sink! Night Club Vs. Psychiatric Ward In a night club, you forget who you really are. At the mental institution you try to remember who you are. The drugs at the night club are expensive and illegal. In the loony bin the drugs are free and prescribed. The night life lasts all night. The crazy night life can last forever. In the bar you meet normal people. At the hospital, you meet God and Billy Kid. I had fun at the hospital and now I have fun at the club. When I was in room 555, I worried about the guy above me in room 666. I hope they never put mentally ill people on the sixth floor. Episode 2 On my first day, I told my roommate that I was God. It turned out that he was Jesus. Imagine the conversation we had that night! We read bible verses all night but we didn't need to because we wrote them. Jesus got to go home before I did but he promptly returned after he set his bedroom on fire. That Jesus cracks me up. To fulfill a prophecy, I gave him my Cleveland Indians World Series sweatshirt after he won a monopoly game. I then killed twelve people in Mortal Kombat on Jesus's Sega Game Gear. You can live a long life if you avoid unhealthy things or a bus can hit you and end it right now. I feel that if I live to be eighty, I will start smoking crack. The leading cause of death among humans is living. Maybe being locked up in the seclusion room with nothing but a mattress and wearing only underwear is a sign you should lighten up. When I don't sleep for days, I never get amazed from deep thoughts, I get tripped out over the simplest stuff. I once hallucinated an entire person with her own personality. I think she was an angel but that would never hold up in court. She new everything about me and encouraged me to stay in school. Being good is easy. Being bad can be hard. There are penalties for being bad. There are no

rewards for being good except for the fact that there are no penalties. Do whatever you feel like doing only if you can accept the consequences. In your dreams, when you are being chased, just turn around and point at the monster and say Your my friend. It is only a dream. Heaven and Hell are only two states of mind. What is the state of your mind? Try to want what you already have. Do not hail a taxi until after it stops and the driver says where to sir Kill Buddha and you are the Buddha. Kill Shiva and.........oh I never read that stuff. Isn't that great! Thats all for tonight, I will be in the chapel fooling around with a depressed girl if you need me. Schizophrenics and manic depressives get carried away with coincidences and similarities. With only 26 letters in the alphabet and 10 digits, there are an awful lot of coincidences in everything. My room 555 from my first episode made me check page 555 of one of my books. On this page, a prophet announces the coming of the Messiah who's name will have four vowels and double consonants. My full name works with this but so do many others. In the mind of a sick person these coincidences happen like every second. Please do not put James Redfield or Carlos Castenada books in the hospital library. Today I threw a chair at a window and no one cared. Later I drop kicked the emergency exit door and it did not budge. I saw Doctor Chase, I saw Doctor Casee and I saw Doctor Babai. I guess they chased th case goodbye because I am no longer God today. My days here are numbered. Tonight I will have my Last Supper with Jesus. The Joke was on me, but I am the one laughing now. I am also the one wacked out on anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers and anti-depressants. Life is funny. Things did not turn out the way I had expected a few weeks ago. I am not touring the world with Mary(an old high school classmate with an appropriate first name) spreading peace and love, but I am me again and that is all I have to be. I'll let the real God take care of business now and I'll just try to have a good time. The After Life: My soul has a mind of it's own. It lives in a host named Andrew William Kennedy. I do not own my soul When I die it will find a new host. My soul cannot communicate with me through it's own language. Maybe it speaks in my dreams or hallucinations. I have made the mistake in the past of misinterpreting the primordial images and sounds it reveals. I do not have to worry about life after death because after death there will be no me to worry anymore. My soul will remember everything. Is it possible that my soul had other hosts before me? It might be too confusing for my soul to tell me about other hosts. That might distract me from my mission. My soul does not want to make my life seem less significant than it is. The goal of the Buddhist is to eliminate the next host and simply live in nirvana forever. A Christian or Jew feels that we only have this one life and our souls report back to God immediately following death. I would like to think that my soul can gather all the sensory input it needs for a long retirement in heaven. Right now my soul is living the schizo-affective hetero-sexual male in Akron Ohio Life. Instead of labeling myself with religions, philosophies and team affiliations, maybe it would be best to investigate all that life has to offer. I think too much, not too little so please don't speak slowly to me. In the two seconds between turning on the water and stepping into the shower, my mind becomes bored and anxious. To make up for the lack of stimulus to my brain, my subconcious projects auditory hallucinations into my bathroom

thus keeping me busy while I perform the mundane tasks of washing myself. I can honestly say I have never been in complete silence. Remember those hearing tests in school. I sometimes raised my hand when there were no sounds, but they were checking for hearing loss not schizzophrenia. I found the perfect girl when I had stayed awake for a few weeks. I love her more than life itself. She does not exist here, just as I do not exist where she is. We are waiting to finally meet yet we are patient. For now, I will call her Christa. She has a name for me but it is not my eternal name. Once I was a bull and she was a cow. Once I worked hard as an ant and she was my queen. Prepare yourself She was once a bull and I was the cow. This is alright because our relationship is not based on sex. No matter what I do in life, there is always uncertainty. I can't seem to get by without worrying about something. Sometimes I worry that there might be something to worry about. If I get ahead of my worries, I have time to sit back and think of a new adventure to start. I feel there is never a time when we can simply not worry about anything but we should pretend there isn't so we can bring ourselves back to the source. Everyone needs some stable place physically and mentally to return to or they will simply get lost. If you give all your money to charity or spend all your free time helping others, you will eventually burn out. After that you will have nothing to give. It is like the difference between gambling and investing. Slow steady growth is better than betting it all on double zero. Life is a great balancing act. Think of all of your interests as oceans and lakes. Stay afloat in one and you can swim in another. If you drown in one interest, then that is all you will have left. In high school I had some normal friends. They were not paranoid or self-conscious like me. My voices got these friends in trouble all the time but we never knew about it until years later. My best friend actually beat people up for insulting us and one time he even spit on a totally innocent young man I thought was talking about us at the gym. Those friends stopped talking to me a short while after my second episode. It might have had something to do with me wanting to join a monastery. After that, my auxiliary friends became primary comrades. They understood my situation better. Many people work very long hours at jobs that afford them houses to sleep in when not working and cars that get them to work. The media tells these people what to buy and that all there is to life is buying things. They spend their precious free time trying to forget how bad there so-called life really is. The answer is simple, Save money for two years while working at two factories and living at your parents house and then go completely crazy. After the treatment for your psychosis, enjoy spending the money you worked so hard for. When you run out of money, do it all again! For thirty three years God was split into three to show us the way. My first roommate was having trouble understanding the logic in life. He wanted to create a map to make life easy. We turned off the twelve speaker digital surround sound and just talked for a while. I explained that there is no logical solution to his problem. Every life is a work of art and art is not logical. That is why life can be so much fun. If we had a map it would be someone else's and would accomplish nothing. A wise friend told me to simply tell the voices in my head to F#@$ Off. I wish it was that easy. The way I write is the way I think. I need help!

I would like to thank my parents for the genetic inheritance of both schizo from one side and Affective from the other. I will not say who gave me what in order to protect their anonymity. Try to enjoy everyday and every moment This gives me anxiety because I want to enjoy without trying. It might be said that everything is precious but maybe this is only due to the fact that the mind is precious. I am prejudiced against racists. Do I hate them or just their ignorance? Some people are racists because they generalize their enemies with everyone who physically resembles them. I know a guy who hates all humans because the ones he knew were all bastards. I will now attempt to prove I have free will. Satan is cool.(no lightning so far) The Pope is God! (still nothing) Communism Rules!(a slight rumble) Jesus was a mere mortal(louder thunder) I ate meat on Ash Wednesday!(Insane lightning and thunder) Sex before marriage!(eternal damnation eminent) This proves I have free will and I freely decide to have Jesus as my personal Lord and Saviour. Sitting alone, standing alone, walking alone, but what about the millions of witnesses in my head? I want pure consciousness. I fight more glorious and victorious battles in my head than I ever will in real life. I am so introverted that someone should remind me I am still alive. Feeling better today STOP Got a package from my brother STOP Probably expensive STOP He cares STOP Little sister visited today with older sister's daughter STOP At every stop is a voice. Do you know someone who never listens and never says anything original? He seems to be like an instinct only driven individual. He has no dreams. He randomly selected the easiest career and the most available wife. He never remembers what he should have heard in church but he insist that he is who he is: Husband, Career and Christian. I call this Automatic Pilot. These are the drones in society. They keep the economy stable while the rest of us Enlightened citizens steer the ship. What is enlightenment? It is when you wake up and realize your place in the universe Sometimes we get a glimpse of nirvana when we are taking a shower when we have no desires or commitments to cling to anymore. Drugs can have this effect but you have to keep taking them more and more to prolong the bliss The best way to experience Nirvana is through meditation. It sounds like an incredible waste of time to some but it works. The trick is to forget you are meditating while you are meditating. A hundred years ago people naturally meditated when their work was done. They never heard about zen but knew their place in the universe. You can try Not Thinking on the Subway or at the movie theater. It is easier than you think. Support groups in general are pretty helpful but not for mental illness. I can't take sound advice from someone crazier than me. One night, a neighbor of mine who suffers from the same illness I do, went with me to the gas station. We ran into a poor woman who asked us for spare change so she could buy cigarettes. I gave her a dollar but that wasn't enough. My neighbor ignored her and spent his weekly allowance on junk food and cigars. On the way home he said he hated the people who ask for money. This guy spend hundreds of dollars a month on pay-per-view porn and psychic hotlines. The next time I go out for smokes I should get some for that lady because she has her priorities straight and I can learn from things like this.

I remember being in the hospital explaining holistic and reductionist physics to a college intern. She wanted to put together a puzzle with me but I insisted the box already contained the whole picture and she decided to work with someone else. Everyone's life is like a picture puzzle waiting to be put together. If you try to force pieces to fit where they don't belong things get messy. The older you get the more defined your picture is. I see my psychiatrist about a half hour every two months. He does not pry into my family or social life looking for archetypes, transference or unconscious phenomena. I don't lay down on a couch. So what does he do? He asks me about hearing voices, mood swings and depression and adjusts my medication accordingly. My voices used to work 24/7 If I actually talked to them, they always got the last word. On a busy day, my voices would build up like a snowball and release when I got home. My medicine makes me think less so I don't hear things. A normal person could experience this by sleeping in a room with their biggest critics and biggest friends yelling at them. The four noble truths: 1. 2. 3. 4. What is schizo-affective disorder? What is the origin of schizo-affective disorder? What is the cessation of schizo-affective disorder? What is the path leading to the cessation of schizo-affective disorder?

I can prove we are already dead. It may take the rest of my life but eventually you will agree with me. What we can never know can ruin our lives, so why not just ride the waves. Epilogue: ` Now that I know who I am not, I am learning who I am. I am in the world but not of the world and I will deal with death when I die, no sooner. I never acted insane but I did react to what was insane and I take responsibility for my actions.