What ways are you currently exploring/wondering about/experimenting with aspects of your Christian faith and relationship with

God that you are hesitant to tell others about for fear they might think you are going off the deep end or too far out there? Listening to and interacting with God in the moment in relational ways is messier and evokes fear. What if I fail? What if I hear wrong? What about those crazies who claim God "told them" to commit murder or the guy who believes God said to change jobs and it all implodes? But aren't all relationships like this; exposing us to risk and vulnerability? Can growing, vibrant relationships be predictable and controllable and aren't they a process of trial and error as we get to know the other? Maybe knowing God is less a science and more an art. This is too close to home, because I am currently there. Theologically, my basic foundations have been pretty stable for most of my Christian life. Not exactly Fundamentalist, not classic Pentecostal, strong doses of liberal politics, but consistent for at least 25 of my 30+ years following Christ. From 1976 through 1978 I did an extensive study of the book of Romans. Lots of notes. You may ask who wrote the book of Romans and I will answer I did. One of my practices at the time was to write out the text of the Bible (in KJV) to get as immersed as possible into the content. I probably rewrote the first nine chapters of Romans a dozen or more times. The early part of this study was strictly disciplined study. Nothing too exciting or earth shaking. But once I started to get into Romans 6, the text began to come alive. Romans 7 was depressing. Romans 8 brought it all together. Everything up to this point started to make sense. All the legal preparation that Paul was laying down initially started to take on a validation transcending a purely legal logic. There were legal premises set but they did not constitute the life conveyed by the Spirit. Romans 8 explained the dynamic of Spiritual life triumphing over our legalistic religious dilemma. It was not - IS NOT - us who accomplishes this spiritual adventure we are embarked on. It is Christ himself, in us, in the person of the Holy Spirit. It is no longer me, but Christ. Theologically, my basic foundation was laid. But living this out, in the context of a church (and not just one church, but the general state of affairs of the church universal) that doesnt really care, or is so caught up in its own image manufacturing, spiritual issues are not a primary concern. Politics is the way to play the game. Ive never been much good at that. In 1985 I gathered my notes and put these lessons into a booklet. But, Church leaders have their own problems, and politics is still the name of the game. In 2000 God started to show up. Moved into a new fellowship where the emphasis on Spiritual things was encouraged. There was little in the way of planning and organization, but God moved. Many will read what I write and write it off as some sort of charismatic, Pentecostal emotionalism. Well, consider, I had just spent eight years in one of the most conservative, non-emotive, theologically correct Presbyterian denominations. I was not, by natural character emotionally expressive. I generally analyze and apply the Scriptures to and supposed

spiritual manifestation. I dont accept anything based on surface appearances. I was there to observe, make an assessment, apply my critique and if necessary blow the whole thing out of the water. I was no fool and would not allow anyone to try and make me one. God took me on an emotional roller coaster ride. It was not the ministers. Far as I can remember it was not anything any one said. God chose to deal with spiritual issues in my life that for all intents and purposes had nothing to do with anyone involved or part of what was happening at the time. I believe there was an spiritual and emotional healing that was being appropriated at that time. There is a distinct difference in how I respond to emotional stimuli, that I had not known before. I found myself in fellowship here for five and a half years. Through the years the tendency of the church to start creeping into the political modes operandi became a growing reality. It is a present struggle the pastors deal with and wish they knew how to circumvent. I believe their hearts are in the right place, but the political security game does not surrender easily, and is so entrenched in the minds of church goers as the way it is done. I left active fellowship with this group last December 2005. I still consider the Pastor there to be my pastor, although He has released me to pursue God much as a Father would bless and release a child into the world. We are friends. I respect his integrity. But he and I both realize there is only so for he can do as a pastoral figure. The time and place comes to rely on God alone. That bridge has been crossed. Prior to this, in August of 2004, God led me away from my regular employment that I held for twenty-three years. This was with the oversight of Pastoral leaders and close friends offering encouragement to follow the vision God had given me (and had been communicated and shared for years) to focus my attentions to spiritual and music interests. Well, try to get the picture. I was 54 years old. Have ten children. Most of the older ones were in the process of exiting the household. I have not had a regular job since August 2004. My wife works (part time). We had refinanced our house, with intentions to move as soon as the Lord points in the direction my wife and I BOTH are comfortable with. I have a LARGE tattoo on my right hand that says I AM THE LORDS, and have been growing my hair long since leaving work. And this is exactly where I believe the Lord wants me. Occasionally the church I was associated with sends a check to encourage and help support us. Occasionally a brother in the Lord will bless us with something. Am I a fool? Well maybe. But - the Lords not done yet.