Clever Engineer A mathematician and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The mathematician leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The mathematician persists and explains that the game is real easy and lots of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The mathematician, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The mathematician asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the mathematician Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the mathematician "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The mathematician looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The mathematician then hits the engineer, saying, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The engineer calmly pulls out his wallet, hands the mathematician five bucks, and goes back to sleep.

Software Engineer A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want". Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked: "What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?" The man said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Engineer as a Designer of the Human Body Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'' Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections.'' The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''

Wife or Mistress An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

A Train Ticket An accountant and engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were both accounting and engineering majors. Each of the engineering majors had his/her own train ticket. But the accountants had only ONE ticket for all of them. The engineers started laughing and snickering. The accountants ignored the laughter. Then, one of the accountants said, "Here comes the conductor". All of the accountants piled into the bathroom. The engineers were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and collected tickets from all the engineers. He went to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said "Ticket please". An accountant stuck their only ticket under the door. The conductor took the ticket and left. A few minutes later, the accountants emerged from the bathroom. The engineers felt really stupid. On the way back from the convention, the group of engineering majors had ONE ticket for their group. They started snickering at the accountants, who had NO tickets amongst them. When the accountant lookout shouted "Conductor coming!", all the accountants again piled into a bathroom. All of the engineers went into another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the accountants left the bathroom, knocked on the

other bathroom, and said "Ticket please".

Proud of a Father The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard. The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled. "It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions." "To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."

Surgeons Know Best about Engineers Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The Third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable." Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

God and the Devil discuss an Engineer Although locked in fierce competition for what seems like forever, God and the Devil meet once every week for coffee just to catch up with each other. One week they're in heaven and the next they're in hell. When it was God's turn to host last week, the Devil was whistling a happy tune as he walked through the gates and wore a huge smile as he plopped down in the golden chair. As he poured a cup, God said, "You look pretty pleased with yourself." "Yeah," said the Devil, "Things are really looking up since I got that engineer last week. He's put in escalators and flush toilets, and he even found a way to control the heat in those old furnaces. I've been meaning to thank you for turning him away up here." God looked stunned, and almost spilled coffee into the saucer. "You know that you're not supposed to get any engineers," God said. "Peter was breaking in some new help at the gates last week, and they must have made a mistake. Just send him back up and we'll straighten it out." But the Devil just chuckled and said, "No. I think I'll keep him. He was talking about looking into better ventilation this week. I can see why you keep them all for yourself." "Send him back," demanded God "No," smirked the Devil. God thundered, "Send him back, or..." "Or what?" the Devil asked. "Or I'll sue," finished God. The Devil chuckled again. "Where are you

going to get a lawyer?"

Four Engineers and a Broken Car There are four engineers travelling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer. "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system." "I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?" "Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"

0001 Have you ever used a computer? 0002 ... for more than 4 hours continuously? 0003 ... more than www.mueblestan.com/foro/index.php?action=profile;u=369>8 hours? 0004 ... more than digisat.tv/forum/index.php?action=profile;u=539>16 hours? 0005 ... more than thesstaxi.gr/member.php?u=118>32 hours? 0006 Have you ever patched paper tape? 0007 Have you ever missed a class while programming? 0008 ... Missed an examination? 0009 ... Missed a iowa.lawblogger.org/index.php?action=profile;u=8416>wedding? 0010 ... Missed your own wedding? 0011 Have you ever programmed while intoxicated? 0012 ... Did it make sense the next day? 0013 Have you ever written a flight simulator? 0014 Have you ever voided the warranty on your equipment? 0015 Ever change the value of www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php?action=profile;u=9615>4? 0016 ... Unintentionally? 0017 ... In a language other than Fortran? 0018 Do you use DWIM to make life interesting? 0019 Have you named a www.rrdevelopments.com/forum/index.php?action=profile;u=25202>computer? 0020 Do you complain when a "feature" you use gets fixed? 0021 Do you eat slime molds? 0022 Do you know how many days old you are? 0023 Have you ever wanted to download pizza? 0024 Have you ever invented a www.xn-12cara3koa9g7b7i.com/forum/index.php?action=profile;u=539>computer joke? 0025 ... Did someone not 'get' it? 0026 Can you recite Jabberwocky? 0027 ... Backwards? 0028 Have you seen "Donald Duck in Mathemagic Land"? 0029 Have you seen "Tron"? 0030 Have you seen "Wargames"? 0031 Do you know what ASCII stands for? 0032 ... EBCDIC? 0033 Can you read and write ASCII in hex or octal? 0034 Do you know the names of all the ASCII control codes? 0035 Can you read and write EBCDIC in www.horizonpeakhunters.com/index.php?action=profile;u=4465>hex? 0036 Can you convert from EBCDIC to ASCII and vice versa? 0037 Do you know what characters are the same in both ASCII and EBCDIC? 0038 Do you know max int on your system? 0039 Ever define your own numerical type to get better precision? 0040 Can you name powers of two up to 2**16 in arbitrary order? 0041 ... up to 2**32? 0042 ... up to 2**64? 0043 Can you read a punched dressologyshop.com/webboard/index.php?action=profile;u=8553>card, looking at the holes? 0044 ... feeling the holes? 0045 Have you ever patched binary code? 0046 ... While the program was running? 0047 Have you ever used program overlays? 0048 Have you met any IBM vice-president? 0049 Do you know Dennis, Bill, or Ken? 0050 Have you ever taken a picture of a CRT? 0051 Have you ever played a videotape on your CRT? 0052a Have you ever digitized a picture? 0053 Did you ever forget to mount a scratch monkey? 0054 Have you ever optimized an idle loop? 0055 Did you ever optimize a bubble sort? 0056 Does your www.ultralightforum.com/index.php?action=profile;u=14592>computer talk to you? 0057 Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem? 0058 ... Did it answer? 0059 Can you whistle 300 baud? 0060 ... harvestfarmfamily.com/valuesforum/index.php?action=profile;u=16767>2400 baud? 0061 Can you whistle a

telephone number? 0062 Have you witnessed a disk crash? 0063 Have you made a disk drive "walk"? 0064 Can you build a puffer train? 0065 ... Do you know what it is? 0066 Can you play music on your line printer? 0067 ... Your disk drive? 0068 ... Your tape drive? 0069 Do you have a Snoopy calendar? 0070 ... Is it out-of-date? 0071 Do you have a line printer picture of... 0072 ... the Mona Lisa? 0073 ... the Enterprise? 0074 ... Einstein? 0075 ... Oliver? 0076 Have you ever made a line printer picture? 0077 Do you know what the following stand for? 0078 ... DASD 0079 ... Emacs 0080 ... ITS 0082 ... SNA 0083 ... Spool 0084 ... TCP/IP Have you ever used 0085 ... TPU? 0086 ... TECO? 0087.1 ... Emacs? 0088 ... ed? 0089 ... vi ? 0091 ... www.vedikhin.ru/forum/member.php?u=40460>SOS? 0092 ... EDT? 0093 ... Wordstar? 0094 Have you ever written a CLIST? Have you ever programmed in 0095 ... the X windowing system? 0096 ... CICS? 0097 Have you ever received a Fax or a photocopy of a floppy? 0098 Have you ever shown a novice the "any" key? 0099 ... Was it the power switch? Have you ever attended 0100 ... Usenix? 0101 ... DECUS? 0102 ... SHARE? 0103 ... SIGGRAPH? 0104 ... NetCon? 0105 Have you ever participated in a standards group? 0106 Have you ever debugged machine code over the telephone? 0107 Have you ever seen voice mail? 0108 ... Can you read it? 0109 Do you solve word puzzles with an on-line dictionary? 0110 Have you ever taken a Turing realsecret.ru/user/SteemaJew/>test? 0111 ... Did you fail? 0112 Ever drop a card deck? 0113 ... Did you successfully put it back together? 0114 ... Without looking? 0115 Have you ever used all4betfair.com/index.php?action=profile;u=3846>IPCS? 0116 Have you ever received a case of beer with your computer? 0117 Does your computer come in 'designer' colors? 0118 Ever interrupted a UPS? 0119 Ever www.projectcheckmate.net/index.php?action=profile;u=2557>mask an NMI? 0120 Have you ever set off a Halon system? 0121 ... Intentionally? 0122 ... Do you still work there? 0123 Have you ever hit the emergency power switch? 0124 ... Intentionally? 0125 Do you have any defunct documentation? 0126 ... Do you still read it? 0127 Ever reverse-engineer or decompile a program? 0128 ... Did you find bugs in it? 0129 Ever help the person behind the counter with their computer? 0130 Ever tried rack mounting your telephone? 0131 Ever thrown a computer from more than draconia.vdl.pl/forum/index.php?action=profile;u=625>3 stories high? 0132 Ever patched a bug the vendor does not acknowledge? 0133 Ever fix a forum.twoawesomegamers.com/index.php?action=profile;u=496>hardware problem in software? 0134 ... Vice versa? 0135 Ever belong to a pc support group ? 0136 Ever been mentioned in Computer Recreations? 0137 Ever had your activities mentioned in the newspaper? 0138 ... Did you get away with it? 0139 Ever engage a drum brake while the drum was spinning? 0140 Ever write comments in a non-native language? 0141 Ever physically destroy equipment from software? 0142 Ever tried to improve your score on the Hacker Test? 0143 Do you take listings with you to lunch? 0144 ... To bed ? 0145 Ever patch thesrii.org.vn/community/index.php?action=profile;u=3261>a microcode bug ? 0146 ... around a microcode bug? 0147 Can you program a Turing gcrit.com/forum/index.php?action=profile;u=54336>machine? 0148 Can you convert postfix to prefix in your head? 0149 Can you convert hex to octal in your without a www.citara.mus.br/forum/index.php?action=profile;u=65319>calculator? 0150a Do you know how to use a Kleene star ? 0151 Have you ever starved while dining with philosophers? 0152 Have you solved the halting www.qponcafe.com/forums/index.php?action=profile;u=442>problem? 0153 ... Correctly? 0154 Ever deadlock trying eating goldnet.net.ua/board/user/Inserpore/>pizza? 0155 Ever written a self-reproducing program? 0156 Ever swapped out the swapper? 0157 Can you read lifestylemusicfamily.com/index.php?action=profile;u=10200>a state volgoprof.ru/user/Whiliaddiguib/>diagram? 0158 ... Do you need one? 0159 Ever create an unkillable www.tsnfarm.com/webboard/index.php?action=profile;u=1237>program? 0160 ... Intentionally? 0161 Ever been asked for a cookie? 0162 Ever speed up a cool system by removing a jumper?
2004

ENGINEERING CASE 1 Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

ENGINEERING CASE 2 To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

ENGINEERING CASE 3 A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

ENGINEERING CASE 4 What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

ENGINEERING CASE 5 The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

ENGINEERING CASE 6 Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

ENGINEERING CASE 7 Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

ENGINEERING CASE 8 An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

Great Engineer Jokes

Number 8 is my favorite by a long shot.
Understanding Engineers - Take One ------------------------------------------Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two -------------------------------------------To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three --------------------------------------------A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,

aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four -------------------------------------------What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five -------------------------------------------The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six -----------------------------------------Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven ---------------------------------------------

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight --------------------------------------------An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you

for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

April 05, 2006 | Permalink

Comments

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer were abducted while traveling in a foreign country and sentenced to die by guillotine. They put the priest face down in the guillotine, but he said "I would like to die facing my maker". So they turned him over to face upward and pulled the cord. But when the blade came down, it stuck halfway. A cry went up from the crowd: "It's a miracle!". And so they set him free. The lawyer, concluding the miracle was a precedent, said, "I, too, would like to face my maker". So they put him in face up, and when the blade came down, it again stuck halfway. "Another miracle!" cried the crowd. So they set him free as well. Finally it was the engineer's turn. Being evidence-based, he said he wanted to go facing the sky too. So they put him in the guillotine facing up, whereupon he said, "Ok, I think I see where this thing is hanging up". Posted by: Harry S | March 03, 2010 at 11:49 AM

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Surgery; Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable." Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REAL ENGINEERS... Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their

socks match. Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday. Real Engineers wear mustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy. Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words. Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier. Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size. Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions. Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day" Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal. Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car". Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window. Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B. Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs. Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.

 Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich. Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two Engineers agree to paint a flag pole. Of course they need to know how tall it is so they can purchase the paint. One shimmies up the pole with a tape measure and falls after reaching about half way. While trying to figure out how they can possibly measure the pole along comes a Designer. After asking what they're doing he replies, "that s easy". He then reaches around the pole and pulls it out of the ground and lays it down. "There you go", he said as he walked away. The two Engineers look at each other and one said "that stupid guy will never get anywhere, we don't need to know how wide it is, just how tall". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "A Boy and His Frog" A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

ENGINEERS & GUILLOTINES

During the French Revolution, three professionals were arrested and convicted of

having bourgeois values. They were a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. They were to be led to the guillotine one by one. The crowd was roaring with anticipated pleasure. First up was the doctor. How dare he enrich himself through other people's illnesses? Access to basic health care is a right, right? The doctor was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. The blade started on its massive, implacable way down. And lurched to a stop. The official in charge declared that it would be inhumane to make the doctor suffer this way more than once, so he was setting the doctor free. The crowd howled. The executioner checked his equipment. All was in order. He put a small tree branch in, and successfully lopped it in half. He re-sharpened the blade. Next up was the lawyer. Who needs an excuse to wish such a lying, cheating scoundrel dead? The crowd was thunderous in its applause. The lawyer was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. Again, the blade stopped part-way down! The presiding official once again said that he would set this prisoner free because of the unusual circumstances. The crowd screamed in frustration. Now came the engineer, a man whose innovations and devices were costing jobs. The crowd fell silent. The executioner checked and re-checked his equipment. As the engineer was marched up to the guillotine, he looked carefully at it, and said, "Wait. I see your problem...." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ENGINEERS & GUILLOTINES again

Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest. Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well. The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says: -Hey, I see what your problem is.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TOP 20 ENGINEERS' TERMINOLOGIES

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still

pissing in the wind. 2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college. 3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame. 4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hitech. 5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered. 6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch. 7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works. 8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit. 9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless. 10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now. 11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up. 12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done. 13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull! 14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely. 15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design. 16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift! 17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED. 18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked. 19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off. 20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE ENGINEER SONG (Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillibillies)

Come and listen to a story bout a man name Jed, A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed But then one day he was talking to a recruiter, He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer", Unix that is . . . CRT's . . . Workstations;

Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer, The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here", They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be", So he bought some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee, Intel that is . . . dry heat . . . no amusement parks; On his first day at work they stuck him in cube, Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube, They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do, Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!" OT that is . . . unpaid . . . Mandatory The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad, Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad, They called another meeting and decided on a fix, The answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six", Tired that is . . . stressed out . . . no social life Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray, Jed worked hard while his life slipped away, Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four, Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door, Laid-off that is . . . Debreifed . . . Unemployed . . . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOW TO HUNT ELEPHANTS

How do you hunt elephants? MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students. COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A: 1. Go to Africa 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope. 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east

and west. 4. During each traverse pass: a) catch each animal seen b) Compare each animal caught to a known elephant c) Stop when a match is detected. Experienced COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm on their hands and knees. ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant. ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves. STATISTICIANS hunt the 1st animal they see N times, and call it an elephant. CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations Research Consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants. POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them. LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping. VICE PRESIDENTS of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the vice president gets to see them. If the vice president does see a non-prehunted elephant, the staff will : 1. compliment the vice president's keen eyesight, 2. enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence. SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices. QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep. SALESPEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as "Desktop Elephants" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The The The The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER...

If you refer to your spouse as "\woman at home.wife," If your favorite TV show is "Mr. Wizard" instead of "Baywatch," If when your family is expecting, you are more interested in the ultra-sound equipment than the test results, If when someone asks "What's new?" you answer "C over lambda," If you know Bill Gates' e-mail address, and don't remember your own, If you are always asking your friends from marketing to hold two leads to a giant capacitor, If you find your head nodding up and down every time you read Dilbert, If your pocket is full of too many mechanical pencils, If when your 3-year old asks "Why is the sky blue?" you start explaining it to them, If you can explain which direction the water spins as you flush the toilet and why, If you go to the air show, and you start calculating how fast the sky divers are falling, you may be an engineer; if you start telling all the people around you, you definitely are. If you need a spreadsheet to figure out who owes what for lunch, If you plan your family vacation on a Gantt chart, If you pre-plan your route on a map of the exhibits through the annual computer show at Moscone Center, If you read PC World and Popular Mechanics while on vacation, If you are willing to debate for two hours the possible results of an experiment that takes five minutes to run, If you know the altitudes at which you must turn off electronic devices on an airplane, and why, If on a camping trip, your spouse starts complaining about bug "bites" and you respond that "Yes, we do need more memory in our computer,"

If Dilbert is your hero If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX2-50 If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burntout bulb in the string If you window shop at Radio Shack If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest Sci-Fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush If you own "Official Star Trek" anything If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts If you have never backed-up your hard drive If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud

If you truly believe aliens are living among us If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is" If you see a good design and still have to change it If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal If you have more toys than your kids If you need a checklist to turn on the TV If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery Channel and have seen most of the shows already If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting If people groan at the party when you pick out the music=7F If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week If you did the sound system for your senior prom If your checkbook always balances If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the Mission Controllers If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough

sleep If you spend more on your home computer than your car If you know what http:/ stands for If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory If your lap-top computer costs more than your car If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"? She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank" "Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?" "It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did." "Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from

Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree". "But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?" "Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, she said. Where do you live?" At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, she said, but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?" "No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke." "It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still, how about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship". "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.. "You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia."Tell me, she asked, we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now." "Yes there is, the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE ENGINEER'S DICTIONARY

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - Back to the drawing board. DEVELOPED AFTER YEARS OF INTENSIVE RESEARCH - It was discovered by accident. PROJECT SLIGHTLY BEHIND ORIGINAL SCHEDULE DUE TO UNFORSEEN DIFFICULTIES - We are working on something else. THE DESIGNS ARE WELL WITHIN ALLOWABLE LIMITS - We just made it, stretching a point or two. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS BELIEVED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all from us. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this. THE DESIGN WILL BE FINALIZED IN THE NEXT REPORTING PERIOD - We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We don't know where we're going, but we're moving. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - It works, and are we surprised! EXTENSIVE EFFORT IS BEING APPLIED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS ARE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only guy who understood the thing quit. MODIFICATIONS ARE UNDERWAY TO CORRECT CERTAIN MINOR DIFFICULTIES - We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Engineering Ingenuity
On the train to a math and engineering convention, a group of math majors and a group of engineering majors sat in the same car. Each of the math majors had his/her train ticket, but it became clear that the group of engineers had only ONE ticket amongst them. The math majors started laughing and snickering. When one of the engineers said "Here comes the conductor", all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard, said "tickets please" and collected tickets from all the math majors. He

then went to the bathroom, knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and left, and the engineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors felt really stupid. So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the engineers, for this time the whole group had NO tickets amongst them. When the engineer lookout said "Conductor coming!", all the engineers went to one bathroom. All the math majors went to another bathroom. Just before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket please." A mechanical engineer, an electrical eng.,and a civil eng. were discussing God's profession. The ME said He must have been an ME because look at how the human body is constructed with all the intricate bones and muscles. The EE said He must have been an EE because look at the electrical impulses of the nervous system. The CE said God surly must have been a CE because only a CE would put a sewage system through a recreational area. A software engineer, hardware engineer and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guard rails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside. The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes. "I know" said the manager. " Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the critical problems and we'll be on our way." "No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way." "Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?" A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains," I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5. Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep. The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?" One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype." The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years." "With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains

divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes." "The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs." "Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an objectoriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too." "We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v. 8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook." "Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)." The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel sleeping when a fire broke out in their respective rooms. The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC, and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated

cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep. The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets fullblast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep. The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you-name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When considering the behavior of a howitzer: A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land. A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there. An engineer will stand there and try to catch it. Engineers Explained People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming. Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST;

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You... A. Straighten it. B. Ignore it. C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron. The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction: *Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation

*Important social contacts *A feeling of connectedness with other humans In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions: *Get it over with as soon as possible. *Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant. *Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

LOVE OF "STAR TREK"

Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus

producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions: * Bill Gates. * MacGyver. * Etcetera. Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

HONESTY

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below. "I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY

Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

RISK

Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS

* Hindenberg. * Space Shuttle Challenger. * SPANet(tm) * Hubble space telescope. * Apollo 13. * Titanic. * Ford Pinto. * Corvair. The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this: RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame. Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: * How smart they are. * How many cool devices they own. The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the

engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.The car breaks down."Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer. "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system. "I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?" "Ummm - how about if we all get out of the car and get back in again?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well'" replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes and says, "You can have ANYTHING you want." "Good choice," says the first, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comprehending Engineers, --Take One

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. The group was silent for a moment. Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

Comprehending Engineers -- Take Two

In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?" The mathematician said: "Never." The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time." The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

Comprehending Engineers -- Take Three

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. Accounting demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark .. ..... ..... $1 Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace.

Comprehending Engineers -- Take Four

The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn't teach 10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors. 9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work. 8. Not everything works according to the specs in the data book. 7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use. 6. Never try to fix the hardware with software. 5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life. 4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?

3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world. 2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software. 1. Dilbert is a documentary. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This has to be one of the best engines for your internet searches

wife's favorite engineer joke is: Question: What do engineers use for birth control? Answer: Their personality. 9.14.2012 2:58 PM EDT Reply

lloyd.selberg Comprehending Engineers - Take One ********************************** Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, Where did you get such a great bike? The second engineer replied, Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want. The second engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice; the clothes probably wouldnt have fit. Comprehending Engineers-Take Six ********************************** Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints. Another said, No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. The last said, Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?

Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine *********************************

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, If you kiss me, Ill turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week. The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, Ill stay with you and do ANYTHING you want. Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, What is the matter? Ive told you Im a beautiful princess, that Ill stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why wont you kiss me? The engineer said, Look; Im an engineer. I dont have time for a girlfriend, but a talking Frog.... thats cool!!! 9.8.2012 10:19 AM EDT Reply

lloyd.selberg ENGINEER IN HELL An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says Ah, youre an engineer... Youre in the wrong place. So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, so he begins designing and building improvements. After a short while all of Hell has air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators. And the engineer has become a pretty popular guy in Hell. A couple of months later God calls Satan and says, So, hows it going down in Hell? Satan replies, Hey, things are going great. We now have air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators. Why, theres no telling what my engineer will come up with next. God replies What? Youve got an engineer? Thats a mistake, he never should have gotten down there... Send him back immediately. Satan says No way. Its nice having an engineer on my staff. Im keeping him. God screams back, Send him back up here or Ill sue!!! Satan laughs uproariously and answers, Yeah, right. AND JUST WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO FIND A LAWYER? 9.8.2012 9:57 AM EDT Reply

N. Competent During the French Revolution, three men were condemned to the guillotine. One was a preacher, one was a doctor, and the third was an engineer. When the preacher approached the deadly machine, he requested to be beheaded while lying on his back so that he could die while looking into Heaven. The doctor and the engineer thought that to be a good idea and requested the same. As the knife plunged down the track toward the preacher, it suddenly jammed just short of the man's neck. The executioner declared it an Act of God and let the man go free. The same thing happened to the doctor. As the engineer laid his head back in place he suddenly said, "Wait! I see the problem! Look up there where the rope has jumped out of the pulley groove!" 8.29.2012 1:25 PM EDT Reply

boomerpa There once was a young engineer, who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing. The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole, new shoes, and was set. He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends to vault, with no success. He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year. It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterward. Whent the family arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual current flowing. The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, but his wife didn't think it was safe. But, he was a good swimmer, and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless, he hit the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in streamside debris. It was a sad end for the engineer, and the family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy. Our lamented engineer was a Civil Engineer. Had he consulted one of his Electrical Engineer brethren, he would have been warned that "It's not vaultage that kills you, it's the current!"

8.10.2012 11:28 AM EDT Reply

kalendjay Around the turn of the last century, a very famous electrical engineer gave up his trade and decided to travel around the world and discover other cultures. On his way back through the US, he stumbled upon a very poor and isolated Navajo village. He was so awed that his fellow Americans could be living in such destitution, that he sought out the Chief, to see what he could do to help. After several hours, the engineer finally succeeded in explaining the concept of electricity to the Chief, he implored the Chief to think of some way to implement the new technology. After a few minutes, the Chief scratched his head and said, "Well, you know the outhouse is very cold and dark in the winter. Perhaps a light bulb would make that a better place for our people. Needless to say, the engineer fulfilled the request, and became the first tourist to wire ahead for a reservation. 8.1.2012 11:31 AM EDT Reply

Planner12 I can't believe no-one submitted this classic engineers joke yet: A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information. "The man below says, "You must be a planner." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going, and you have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault." 7.27.2012 5:38 PM EDT Reply

Planner12 Progression of engineering eductation: a good planner needs to know at least a little bit about a great variety of topics, and engineers often suceeed by specializing, so we planners like to say that over time, planners learn less and less about more and more until eventually they know nothing about everything. Engineers learn more and more about less and less until they eventually know everything about nothing. 7.27.2012 5:35 PM EDT Reply

gsmiff So an architect and an engineer were in a bar, and the architect, holding up his glass, asks: "Half-full? Or half-empty? I see it as half-full..." The engineer ponders a second before replying: "I see a liquid containment device twice as big as it needs to be."

7.25.2012 8:22 AM EDT Reply

FelixU Why are jokes that portray engineers as stupid or pr**ks considered funny? As a physicist who has performed engineering work, I have great respect for the intelligence and humanity of engineers and their willingness to take on work others won't do. Also, make sure you publish the complete joke. For example, in the case of the stalled car, you close all the Windows (TM) exit the car and reenter to restart the car, a reference to Microsoft. Without this reference the software engineer"s procedure makes no sense.

7.19.2012 3:18 PM EDT Reply

With envy Y'know, I have to admit, when I read this, I heard it in my head in the voice of Dr. Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory. Swear to God! (All except for the part about having respect for engineers!) Not knocking your reply. I just thought it was funny. 7.27.2012 2:23 PM EDT Reply

GingerEngineer I did too! Now Shelly, you play nice with the other kids. 8.24.2012 6:34 AM EDT Reply

Russell.Thornton Here is a positive story that should bring a chuckle! The value of an engineer There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem it was having with one of its multimillion-dollar machines. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded with the following: "Chalk: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999." 7.16.2012 7:06 AM EDT Reply

Charles Q THIS IS A TRUE STORY. Some of the details are not correct. Charles Steinmetz was that brilliant electrical engineer. A hydroelectric generator was vibrating abnormally for some unknown reason.

Steinmetz was called in. He slept on a cot next to the generator, did calculations, and finally put a chalk mark on one winding set & told them to remove that particular winding, which they did. The generator functioned correctly after that. He sent his bill for $1000.00 to the company. The beancounters balked and demanded an "itemization" of expenses. He itemized: 1.) "Chalk, $1.00. " 2.) "Knowing where to put the chalk, $999.00" Charles Steinmetz was a brilliant German immigrant (with a "hunch-back") who worked for General Electric, when Hydro-power generation was in its infancy. 10.3.2012 2:02 PM EDT Reply

heybob How can you tell an outgoing engineer? He looks at your shoes when he's talking, instead of his own. 7.13.2012 6:04 PM EDT Reply

AlphaTheta A group of NASA mechanical engineers were brainstorming how they might overcome the various thermal problems involved in sending a manned probe to the sun. An electrical engineer overheard the discussion and offered the following suggestion: Why don't you just go at night ? 7.13.2012 3:19 PM EDT Reply

Dave T I think it was Mark Twain that said, " I would go to heven for the amenities and to hell for the people." 7.10.2012 2:44 PM EDT Reply

Naptown The teaser E-Mail for this piece reads "Who says engineers dont have a sense of humor? Laugh along with five very funny jokes about engineers and engineering submitted by EEs." The fact that it tells us that the jokes are very funny seems to detract from our ability to decide if that is indeed the case. In fact, by my tastes, a few of them are. The devil made me send this note as part of keeping my job in hell. 7.9.2012 3:27 PM EDT Reply

Jack.Everett You should call them "one funnEE" 7.7.2012 5:14 AM EDT Reply

SuzanneDeffree That's great, Jack! We'll keep that in mind for next time. thanks! 7.9.2012 10:35 AM EDT Reply

iliac dot,dot 7.7.2012 8:12 PM EDT Reply

Test101 A version of this car calamity has a "microsoft (software) engineer". He says, "Let's close all the windows, get out of the car then get back in and re-open the windows" 7.6.2012 5:40 PM EDT Reply

kalendjay

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. That's a hardware problem. 8.1.2012 11:35 AM EDT Reply

StvNordquist The car calamity bit (stall successful; restart) shouldn't be the best solution, but it usually is (sometimes with modifiers that you have to stall in the shade at a drive-in or solar/LP charging station and ATM;) if a 'service engineer' is driving you just transfer context to a convenient upgraded instance, and if you have an ODB2 insurance dongle one calls them to ask what they changed. Clearing status bits (e.g. SteeringColumn.Collar.Valid(False)) by yanking on windows is less common, right? 7.8.2012 4:22 PM EDT