Monday 03.09.

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The vagina and the female soul

Naomi Wolf talks to Emma Brockes Exclusive extract from her new book

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Criminology

Theres nothing funny about being stalked

only ever met her twice before she became my stalker. On our rst encounter, she recognised me as being on the same dating website as her, and so introduced herself and there was nothing, no thousand yard stare, no deranged cackling, to tip me o that she was in any way disturbed. The second time we met, I slept with her. And then, having known me for all of a few hours, she told me that she loved me. I laughed it o then. From the moment Glenn Close boiled her rst bunny, popular culture has loved a female stalker. As with all cinematic archetypes, they became an object of humour. They became funny, adorable misguided cranks like Renee Zellwegers Nurse Betty, deluded but charmingly harmless. Women stalking men got funny. I have to say that I havent found much of the last three years especially chucklesome, as my stalker ended up comprehensively boiling my inner bunny. Although it was funny in

Pete Cashmores ordeal left him with deep trust and anger issues the rst few months when she chased me down the street on foot as I cycled home from work, the joke wore very thin, very fast. It stopped being funny when she threatened to counterallege that I had drugged and sexually assaulted her if I went to the police. It also wasnt especially amusing when she did exactly that. And it was downright vexing when I found that, while she immediately got free legal advice and counselling as a result of the nature of her fabrications, I was left to my own devices for ve long months with the allegations hanging over my head. By the time I was cleared, I was a depressed borderline-alcoholic insomniac terried of his own doorbell. Not very funny. I even had (male) police ocers laugh at her loopy voicemails. I dont blame them though most people, in my experience, cannot help but nd the idea of a man living in fear of an obsessed woman faintly risible. I had one girlfriend (now an ex) tell me that I had to man up as if I could somehow pu my chest out and produce the magic formula to mend a profoundly disturbed woman. The reality of being a stalked man is a mixture of grinding tedium, of disturbed sleep, violent nightmares and isolation. Ones rst instincts are to attempt dialogue with your stalker eventually you come to realise that you may as well be trying to bring reason to a small child. And above all, it becomes apparent that its down to you to create your own case. So your life becomes one of logging missed calls, taping voicemails, transcribing texts and having a cameraphone at hand every time you answer the door. Visits to the police station are frequent and time-consuming. Being stalked is a massive pain in the arse. One day in the future I may be able to laugh about it all, but the current reality is that my stalker forced me out of the home I had lived in for ve years, left me with deep trust and anger issues, and nursing post-traumatic stress disorder, which will only subside as I put time and distance between me and her. And I have to pin my hopes on the notion that, when I agreed to her being merely cautioned for harassment on the basis that she agreed never to try to contact me again, she was telling the truth. It feels like a very big ask. This was in October 2011, and I have not heard from nor seen her since. I recently made a documentary for More4 and was told that it was the rst of its kind because everyone else who has tried found the process too upsetting. People have asked if Im worried that it will provoke her into fresh activity, and that question, I must admit, does make me laugh. Because there is nothing left that she can do to me. Pete Cashmore Stalked is on More 4 tonight at 10pm.

SEE PAGE 4 FOR MORE DETAILS

2 The Guardian 03.09.12

Shorter cuts

O Ouch!
D David Cameron has even lost the posh e actor vote. Benedict a Cumberbatch has had C a pop at his fat-faced and atulent brand a of Toryism. o

Cine classic
The Last Night of the Proms will be shown at Odeon cinemas at the weekend ... in 3D. It may be light on action sequences.

Melanie Martine z, with her son-in -law, has lost ve ho uses to hurricanes and oods
Meteorology

The unluckiest woman in America

fter losing four houses to four hurricanes Melanie Martinez was arguably Americas unluckiest woman. There was Betsy in 1965, Juan in 1985, George in 1998 and Katrina in 2005, ferocious storms that swept in from the Gulf of Mexico and wrecked each of Martinezs homes. Such was the peril of living on a ood plain in Louisiana. A few months ago the schoolbus drivers luck changed. Hideous Houses, a reality TV show on the A&E channel, selected her not quite hideous but admittedly ramshackle house in Braithwaite, a rural town just south of New Orleans, for a makeover. The host, Eric Stromer (one of the sexiest people alive, according to People magazine), and his team spent a week and $20,000 transforming the Martinez home with a new kitchen, new cupboards, new appliances (including a 50in smart TV), even creating a new room for Melanies passion, sewing. It aired a few weeks ago. They did a real good job. I loved it, says Martinez. If you were paying attention to the news last week you know where this story is going. On Wednesday 29 August the

seventh anniversary of Katrina a category 1 hurricane named Isaac howled in from the Gulf and hit Mississippi and Louisiana. A $14.5bn federally funded bolstering of ood-control systems around New Orleans spared the city. However, Braithwaite was sheltered only by an 8ft levee built by Louisianas state government. Thus Martinez became who could now argue? Americas unluckiest woman. There was a mandatory evacuation order and we were leaving, just like our neighbours, she says. We never stay for storms. I would never jeopardise my mom shes 74 and needs dialysis. But my truck broke down. Around 2am oodwaters overtopped the levee, sending a 12ft surge through Braithwaite. The family sought refuge in the attic. We thought we were going to die in that house; the water was coming up so fast. My husband used a hammer to put a hole in the roof but it broke. We used our hands and feet to punch the hole. A boat rescued them along with their ve kittens and three dogs. Everything else was lost. Now Ive lost ve houses to ve storms. Every time a wipe-out. Martinez seems grateful to be alive, even perky, but knows tears will come once waters subside and she returns to a sodden wreck. Why live in Louisiana? She ponders the question. I was born here. Its home, home, home. But we want to move somewhere thats hilly, you know? To a house on a hill. Rory Carroll

Pass notes No 3,239 Shia LaBeouf

Age: 26. Appearance: Greasy. Hirsute. Pretentious. Periodically naked. And as a result of which of those intriguing qualities is he in the news at the moment? The naked aspect, in a roundabout way. Pray tell. Hes signed up to play opposite Charlotte Gainsbourg in Lars von Triers next lm Nymphomaniac. Ooh, is she any relation to Serge? Its a lm about the sexual development of a woman from birth to adulthood that it is believed will contain unsimulated sex scenes, so what do you think? I think she probably is. Youd be correct. And I see where the naked bit is coming in. Not yet, you dont. LaBeouf has hit the headlines for claiming he got the part by sending Lars von Dirty Dog sex tapes of Shia and his girlfriend. Wow. Thats very method. I bet Brandos gutted he never thought of that. You know, if he wasnt dead. Stanislavski would indeed be proud. If, of course, its true. Whaddya mean? An actor wouldnt say something like that if it wasnt true. Would he? No. Not unless it was to court media attention or continue his repositioning as an edgy, indie actor after, say, an early career as a clean-cut star in something like Disneys Even Stevens Which he ? Was. Ah. Or unless it was a joke during a conversation with bawdy talkshow host Chelsea Handler that the media has seized upon and made factoid. Isnt the world COMPLICATED these days? It is. We dont even know if his other tales such as the one about lming his latest movie Lawless while drunk as a skunk, or dropping acid on the set of a lm in which his character drops acid are true either. Although it is a fact that he appeared fully, frontally nude in the latest Sigur Rs video. Veriable? At 42 and 48 seconds in. Thanks. Hey, what does his girlfriend think about him sending their sex tapes to LVT? Rumour has it she is not impressed. Tsk women. Theyre never prepared to sacrice anything for art, are they? Especially not if its been sacriced without their knowledge, no. Do say: Shia LaBeouf coming soon to a cinema screen near you! Dont say: Shia LaBeouf coming soon on a cinema screen near you!

RETAIL TRENDS

A new survey of independent traders shows how the number of shops on the UKs high streets has changed in the past year. Losers Pubs -20% Fish and chip shops -14% Cafes -11% Winners Beauty salons +36% Home baking shops +20% Art and craft shops +29%
Source: Simply Business

COVER TOM PIETRASIK FOR THE GUARDIAN PHOTOGRAPHS DES WILLIE, GETTY IMAGES

Right winger
The BBC Sport website has signed up Paolo Di Canio as a columnist. Lets hope the selfproclaimed fascist, who has said that Mussolini was deeply misunderstood, will restrict his comments to football.

Pet sounds s
According to For the Love Of Dogs, tonights ITV1 documentary on Battersea Dogs and Cats Home, the animals are played Classic FM to calm them down. Someone call the RSPCA!

Un Under attack
Dro Drones+ is an iPhone app that trac tracks US drone strikes on targets in P Pakistan, Yemen and Somalia. Its one way of keeping tabs on Ame Americas undeclared wars or it would have been, if Apple had hadnt rejected it.

03.09.12 The Guardian 3

Neural wiring explained vaginal vs clitoral orgasms. Not culture. Not Freud
When Naomi Wolf noticed that sex had become less enjoyable, it sent her on an unexpected journey of discovery. Emma Brockes talks to her about her new book, Vagina. In an exclusive extract, overleaf, Wolf explains how sexist language can wreck womens lives

aomi Wolf has been one of lf the worlds most famous ds feminists for more than s 20 years and she herself admits it is a very odd job. When she wrote The Beauty Myth in 1991, she was 27 years old, enrolled s on a PhD course and not intending to make her career in the eld of feminist e criticism. Its not a job that anyone had ob described as a possibility, she says and lity, laughs. The success of that book, and f the vitriol it attracted, launched her as , a gure of some cultural import part ral pop academic (she is just now getting ust around to nishing the PhD), part he pundit and, more recently, part ently, civil rights activist in the Occupy movement and if she d carries herself with a slight Joan of Arc air it is not witht out cause; public feminists inists dont, generally, attract ct the sanest mailbag. Oh, Oh, without doubt, says Wolf on the question of whether, when she e writes about women, she gets a higher ratio o of abuse than when she writes about anything else. So what? We are in New York, where k, Wolf lives with her two children wo

and works betw between PhD commitments at Oxford. Her new book, Vagina, is attracting a lot of attention, not least for the title, a c canny piece of marketing that she didnt hesitate to use, she says, because that w word is either so taboo or surrounded wi negative connotations s surrounded with or draped in sh shame or medicalised, its o really importan to take it back. The important memoir, part cultural book is part m history and p part scientic journey h history around wom womens sexuality, the best elements of which illuminate how e elements little wom generally know about women their own anatomy a kind of ow brainy sex manual the worst brain of which founders on the w kind of academic jargon Wolf is fond of, and that has to fo be squeezed hard to elicit s much meaning. (Sample: muc ... nor does this denial of the paradox of our feminine autonomy co-existing unsetauto tledly with our feminine need for int interdependence ...) There Ther is some discussion about what constitutes the wh female soul. Looking back on a so walk she took with a group of female too scientists, Wolf recounts that slightly Wo wild, slightly inexplicable moment i when the wind, the grass and win the animals had all seemed a part

PHOTOGRAPH TOM PIETRASIK

03.09.12 The Guardian 5

Wolf with her father Leonard; (above) in Central Park, New York, 1991

of what we were learning about ourselves. Its these kind of moments that have, over the years, contributed to a vague sense that while her heart is undoubtedly in the right place, Wolf is also full of hot air. So it is with Vagina, a generally noble enterprise to unshackle female sexual pleasure from millennia of cultural baggage by locating it in scientic fact as she puts it, this amazing set of discoveries; this incredible, to me, revelatory science. It all started with a problem Wolf was having in her own sex life; the quality of her orgasms suddenly changed from being full of light and colour and what she describes in terms of transcendental experience, to something dull and lifeless. She went to see New Yorks pelvic nerve man, which required a certain presence of mind. A lot of people in her place would have gone to see a psychotherapist. Im not that crazy, she says. I knew that there was something physically wrong. It was physical. It was a physical experience. Wolf was absolutely right. The doctor diagnosed a mild form of spina bida and told her that her spine, which was out of alignment, was compressing one branch of the pelvic nerve. He then explained to her the science of orgasm; that impulses from the pelvic nerve travelled up to the female brain, or as she later summarised in the book, how the genitals connect to the lower spinal cord, which in turn connects to the brain. This explained why she was suering a lack of psychic as well as physical response during sex. I almost fell o the edge of the exam table in my astonishment, she writes. Thats what explained vaginal versus clitoral orgasms? Neural wiring?

Not culture, not upbringing, not patriarchy, not feminism, not Freud? She continues: I had never read that how you best reached orgasm, as a woman, was largely due to basic neural wiring. Wolf underwent an operation to put a metal plate in her back, after which, thankfully, all is well. But she has a profound new understanding of the way in which the vagina, in its hitherto underpublicised connection with the brain, mediates consciousness. There will be many women (and men) whom this strikes at a less than revelatory level, not because it is common knowledge, but because it seems that every other week these days a book comes out ascribing various human states and behaviours love/happiness/ anger/addiction to brain chemistry or neural wiring, accompanied by data from a scanner and a set of demoralised lab rats. The meaning of life might as well just be: neuroscience. So what? Well, says Wolf, her mission with the book was to get rid of that extra layer of shame and ignorance and confusion and blaming of the self for things that evolution or anatomy have constructed. Since feminists and anti-feminists of yore spent so much time scrapping over the politics of female orgasm, it is useful to get the basic physiology down. Freud was wrong and Shere Hite didnt have the whole picture, and the feminists of the 70s were waging a battle to prioritise the clitoris over the vagina that is actually beside the point, because every woman is wired dierently, says Wolf. Why didnt they tell us in eighth grade? No one let us know. That whole revelation, about the neural system, and how complex it is, and its relationship to the spine and to the brain, was absolutely revelatory to me. Its changed my whole sense of how were put together. All of which is good and sensible. But

having taken politics out of the equation, Wolf then reintroduces them. Part of her investigation revolves around the various hormones and neurotransmitters activated in a womans body during a successful sexual encounter, eg dopamine, which boosts the chemical construct of condence, motivation, focus, all of these feminist qualities. Goal orientedness. Assertiveness. In the book, she writes, dopamine is the ultimate feminist chemical in the female brain, a guy-sounding PR line that sits awkwardly alongside the scientic language. Oxytocin, meanwhile is womens emotional superpower. The vagina is not only coextensive with the female brain but also is part of the female soul. And, nally, if femininity resided anywhere, writes Wolf, I would say it resides there, in that electric inward network extending from pelvis to brain. (Im not sure an abstract noun can reside anywhere. George Bush would be the one to ask). Its the kind of language to make scientists scream. I wonder if she hesitated to use terms such as soul? Youre zeroing in on exactly the parts of the book that took the most care and struggle, she says. I know why its risky to invoke that dimension or even that discourse. And thats why I was so careful in dening it so narrowly. Theres this linear syllogism in the book. Im not using that language without grounding it very carefully in the physical. William James said there are these transcendental experiences that many people had, and he got that from a lot of interviews. And then various neuroscientists have been mapping out where transcendence happens in the brain. One of my favourite quotes about the book is from a doctor that I had asked to read the manuscript, who, when I said something like you know, were just talking about states of consciousness he said, but the only way we have of experiencing states of consciousness is in the physical, which doesnt make them less real. When Wolf was growing up in 70s San Francisco, the daughter of two academics, the states of consciousness she writes about were frowned upon by many women activists as not feminist. Being in love, with its sense, as Wolf puts it, of longing, dependency, need, was considered undermining of female independence. The discourse that I inherited, says Wolf, was like, you keep [these feelings] at a distance, dont acknowledge them, theyre shameful, theyre weaknesses. I always felt that that was buying into a sexist or traditionally masculinist view of human nature. And I thought, if women feel these things so regularly, its not enough to say that its just masochism.

6 The Guardian 03.09.12

This was the era of a-woman-needsa-man-like-a-sh-needs-a-bicycle, since when feminism has moved on. Nonetheless, there will be feminist critics who read her book and are alarmed by its essentialism; who receive her eorts to nd a neurological denition of femininity something they spent years arguing was mostly a cultural construct as reductive and reactionary. I get it. And I know these schools of analysis and theyre very very helpful conceptually, and in dealing with literature and philosophy. But they are being challenged all the time by whats going on in the labs. I saw rats rats do not theorise their existence behaving like female rats. You know? And again, theres space for many, many, many discourses in feminism. Which brings us (sort of) to cuntini. One of the interesting things Wolf looks into is the way in which sexualised language is used to demoralise women who achieve power in male-dominated worlds. Most women know this from experience; that sexual

A major trauma in western women is that if they are sexual a terrible thing will happen
insult is the quickest and commonest way to undermine them and that men online, on the street use it all the time. Im sure Wolf has come in for a tonne of it. But there is a scene in the book that suggests she has crossed into territory where it is dicult for the rest of us to follow. With her trademark tone of more in sorrow than in anger, Wolf tells the story of a party her friend Alan threw her, in celebration of Vagina nding a publisher. As a joke, Alan said he was going to make vagina-shaped pasta, which he did. When, in front of guests, he referred to it as cuntini,

Wolf was so horried, so traumatised by his language, that, she writes, she suered six months of writers block (see extract overleaf ). One understands that lighten up, love is the stock misogynist response to women protesting male aggression. But this seems an extraordinary reaction to a Party? says Wolf. Yeah. I mean. You know. Im not sure what your question is? Its hard to understand how she can have had such a reaction to a bit of a shit joke, but not that bad a joke. Well, thats a good question. She looks very much as if she does not consider this a good question. You know, one never understands everything about ones insuciencies and incapacities, but I know that I was nervous [about the book]. Im not now, because there are enough readers whove said, wow, this is really valuable to me. But at that time, I hadnt written the book yet and I was scared by the taboo

Wolf is arrested in New York during an Occupy Wall Street protest, October 2011

PHOTOGRAPHS MIKE SHANE; MICHAEL A SMITH

03.09.12 The Guardian 7

Wolf at a news conference in March announcing a lawsuit against indenite detention provisions, signed in to law by Barack Obama

around it. And scared that there would be a very public backlash; that Id be punished. She cites the contagious diseases acts of 19th-century Britain, which allowed the state to round up prostitutes and women judged to be promiscuous for mandatory VD testing and subsequent imprisonment. Which, believe it or not, is I think actually a major trauma in western womens

psyches that oh my God, if Im sexual or if I own my sexuality in some public way, a terrible thing will happen to me. For a while, thousands of women were rounded up because they were overtly sexual and incarcerated for up to nine months. And I do think there are such things as culturally traumatic moments that get passed down. So it was scary to think: Im going to write this book and put my name on it and send it out there and something terrible will happen. So then when, in my circle, there was this publicly humiliating thing [cuntini], I dont know if there was a cause/eect and thats why I couldnt write, but I know I couldnt write for quite a while after that. Again, these are very intuitive connections, so I cant say this silenced me. But it reinforced the idea that something bad would happen. Its not that this isnt credible so much that Wolf cant, apparently, hear how it plays; or how a wry acknowledgment of its absurdity might get her further. Its the same tonal deafness that characterises her description of a man from Chalk Farm, north London, in whom she puts a great deal of store, a bodyworker who attempts, through massage, to re-engage sexually traumatised women and who, Wolf relates in

Obama prosecutes whistleblowers. He has been worse than Bush for civil liberties
8 The Guardian 03.09.12

PHOTOGRAPH CORBIS

the book with a straight face, once saw an image of the Virgin Mary in a vagina. Now that she is working on civil liberties, life has become slightly easier. She has a big following, with fewer crazies in the mix. After being arrested in New York last year during an Occupy protest, Wolf found herself in the public eye as a hero. (She was informing protesters of their legal rights to demonstrate peacefully, without being rounded up by police, who arrested her.) It was, she says, a frightening experience. They took us from the precinct where our lawyers were waiting, to an undisclosed location across town where no one knew where we were. We were looking at 15 days in Rikers Island if we were found guilty, which is a very violent place. Where all bets are o. I think everyone in Britain and America should be very concerned about protecting due process. She is hugely disappointed in Obama on this front. Oh my God. He prosecutes whistleblowers, he keeps Guantnamo open, he allowed the department of homeland security to put military equipment in police stations across the country which they then used against protesters. He has been worse than Bush for civil liberties. Can she still vote for him? I try not to say who Im voting for because I try not to endorse. But, she says, people like Cameron and Obama and Romney to some extent are minor dierences. She will continue campaigning, through her journalism, her advocacy and her democracy-building website. Meanwhile, Vagina will probably cause a fuss in the kind of places where everything causes a fuss; a few bookstores will refuse to put it in the window, and Wolf will be reassured, as she must, of the power of her taboo-breaking.

ords, when deployed in relation to the vagina, are always more than just words. Because of the subtlety of the mind-body connection, words about the vagina are also what philosopher John Austin, in his 1960 book How to Do Things with Words, calls performative utterances, often used as a means of social control. A performative utterance is a word or phrase that actually accomplishes something in the real world. When a judge says Guilty to a defendant, or a groom says I do, the words alter material reality. Studies have shown that verbal threats or verbal admiration or reassurances can directly aect the sexual functioning of the vagina. One suggests that a stressful environment can negatively aect vaginal tissue itself. This bad stress can also, as it supports or inhibits orgasm, either raise or lower the levels of womens condence, creativity and hopefulness overall. Women react strongly to male verbal abuse of their vaginas or to implied threats of rape, even when these are just jokes, for these very reasons. Comedienne Roseanne Barr described male TV writers behaviour when women made inroads into their profession: she hated going up to the writers house because there would be a stinky-pussy joke within three minutes. When a woman faces a workplace in which her male peers want to show her she is unwelcome, similar words or images targeting or insulting the vagina will often surface: centrefolds with legs spread, for instance, and the face of the woman in question superimposed on the naked body, will appear in public. Of course cultural and psychological motivations play a part in this form of harassment. But the role of manipulating female stress in targeting the vagina should not be ignored. In 2010, male Yale students gathered at a Take Back the Night event, where their female classmates were marching in a group, protesting against sexual assault. The young men chanted at the protesters: No means yes and yes means anal. Some of the young women brought a lawsuit against the university, arguing that tolerating such behaviour created an unequal educational environment. Ethically, they are in the right, and neurobiologically, they are right as well. Almost all young women who face a group of their male peers chanting such slogans are likely to feel instinctively slightly panicked. On some level they are getting the message that they may be in the presence of would-be rapists, making it

Pasta as punishment
In an exclusive extract, Naomi Wolf explains how a misogynist cookery joke gave her writers block

impossible to shrug o immature comments, as women are often asked to do. Sexually threatening stress releases cortisol into the bloodstream, which has been connected to abdominal fat in women, with its attendant risks of diabetes and cardiac problems; it also raises the likelihood of heart disease and stroke. If you sexually stress a woman enough, over time, other parts of her life are likely to go awry; she will have diculty relaxing in bed, as well as in the classroom or in the oce. This in turn will inhibit the dopamine boost she might otherwise receive, which would in turn prevent the release of the chemicals in her brain that otherwise would make her condent, creative, hopeful, focused and eective, especially relevant if she is competing academically or professionally with you. With this dynamic in mind, the phrase fuck her up takes on new meaning. I experienced rsthand the powerful impact that the words used to communicate about the vagina can have on the female brain. This book had just been signed by a publisher, and I was euphoric, in creative terms, about the research and writing ahead. At the same time, I was anxious about grappling with such a strong social taboo. At that point, a friend of a friend an impresario whom I will call Alan, who has a complicated sense of humour and enjoys creating social spectacles that heighten tension said he wanted to throw a party celebrating my book deal. Alan told me that he was going to

do a pasta party at which guests could make vagina-shaped pasta. I thought that was a funny and sort of charming idea, possibly a tribute to the subject matter, or, at the very least, not awful, though it was not a thematic twist I would have chosen myself. When I arrived at the party, though, there was a slightly ominous, mischievous stir at the far end of the loft where the kitchen was located. As I walked toward Alan, I passed the table where the pasta maker had been assembled. A group of people stood around it fashioning, indeed, little handmade vulvas. The objects were rather sweet looking: like the real thing, the little pasta sculptures varied each persons experience (or body, perhaps) informing his or her interpretation. There was an energy of respect and even would-be celebration from that table, from both the men and the women. Each small sculpture was detailed and distinct: lovely little white objects against a hand-painted blue Italian ceramic tray. Alan appeared at my side. I call those cuntini, he said, laughing, and my heart contracted. A ash of tension crossed the faces of many of the women present. The mens faces, which had been so open, and some so tender, became impassive. Something sweet and new, that had barely begun, was already closing down. I heard a sizzling sound. I looked to the kitchen: the sound was coming from several dozen enormous sausages, ranged in iron skillets on the big industrial stove. I got it: ha, sausages, to go with the cuntini. I noticed that the energy of the mixed-gender crowd was now not simple. The room had become more tense the tension that I was familiar with by now, as I was recognising those moments when women feel demeaned but are expected to go with it and have a sense of humour. My heart contracted further. On the back burners of the stove, several immense salmon llets were arranged on another platter. Again: I got it. I got the joke. Women are smelly. Fish-smelling. I ushed, with a kind of despair that was certainly psychological depression that a friend would think this was funny but which also felt physical. I can deal with a misred joke, if that was all that the event entailed. What is really interesting to me is that after the cuntini party, I could not type a word of the book not even research notes for six months, and I had never before suered from writers block. I felt on both a creative and a physical level that I had been punished for going somewhere that women are not supposed to go.

DETAILS

Extracted from Vagina: A New Biography by Naomi Wolf to be published by Virago at 12.99 on 6 September 2012. To order a copy for 10.39 with free UK p&p go to guardian.co.uk/ bookshop or call 0330 333 6846.
2012 by Naomi Wolf

03.09.12 The Guardian 9

Health

was driving recently when a strangled gurgle erupted from the rear seat, where my eightmonth-old daughter Esme might have been choking to death. This guttural uurrrgh-blurrgh continued for a heart-stopping second before she returned to her happy ah-ba-ba-ba song but I was shaken up by the incident to the extent that I signed up for a rst aid course. For many of us, rst aid knowledge is a bit like our recall of amazing scientic facts down the pub bewilderingly vague. I never really gave my ignorance a second thought until I realised that as a father of twins it would be horric if something went wrong and I couldnt do anything about it. Above the sinks in the Red Cross Norwich centres toilets is a helpful guide to washing your hands in 11 steps. Thankfully, the charitys rst aid for babies and children is not nearly so complicated. Attending the training day with me are nine others, including four young teachers and a grandmother. Our topics of study are every parents worst nightmare: bleeding, embedded objects, burns, sprains and strains (phew, a benign one), fractures, raised temperatures, seizures, meningitis, severe allergic reactions, head injuries, swallowing harmful substances, vomiting and diarrhoea. We begin with the building blocks: checking for breathing, the recovery or safe position and, if they are not breathing, baby CPR. Red Cross trainers say that those memorable Vinnie Jones CPR ads for the British Heart Foundation, as well as footballer Fabrice Muambas cardiac arrest, have raised an awareness of cardiopulmonary resuscitation, but the technique is dierent for children under a year old. The eerie training mannequins dolls and torsos of young children are ocially known as Resusci Annies, but our Red Cross trainer, Diana MacDonaldSteele, refers to them as Tommy. First we have to call Tommys name, tap his feet and put our cheek to his mouth to see if he is breathing. If so, the safe position is to hold him close to you in a cuddle but keeping his head lower than his bottom. If he is not breathing, we must begin CPR by tilting back the head with one nger on his chin as if he is sning the air, as MacDonaldSteele puts it, to ensure his airways are clear, and then begin CPR with ve one-second rescue breaths, putting our mouths over his mouth and nose. Youve got to think you are hung on a window, says MacDonald-Steele, as we hunch over our prone babies, which have plastic tubes to send our breath into their chests. After the

Parents to the rescue

Could you give CPR to your baby, or know what to do if hes swallowed a toxic substance? Patrick Barkham goes on a course in childrens rst aid

Patrick Barkham learns rst aid with Diana MacDonaldSteele and Tommy

Youve got to think youre huffing on a window, says our instructor

rescue breaths, we quickly place two ngers on Tommys chest and give 30 rm compressions at the rate of two a second. Then we give two more rescue breaths, and repeat this cycle three times, continuing until the medics arrive. With older children, the process is the same but we must pinch their nose and hu into their mouth, and the compressions are done with a rm hand rather than two ngers. First aid classes at school passed me by and, embarrassingly, I cant recall exactly how to put a child or an adult into the recovery position. Waveprayer-pockets-knee is how MacDonaldSteele encourages us to remember. If you leave them on their back, you leave them to die, she says. It suddenly strikes me how banal the dierence between life and death is.

Choking is probably every new parents most common anxiety, especially when Esmes twin Camilla shoves everything from soil to remote controls into her dainty mouth. I put Tommy over my knees, holding his jaw between thumb and forenger, and give him ve tentative taps on the back. MacDonald-Steele reminds us that this is one of the most resilient parts of the body, and whats a bit of bruising when a life is at stake? Ninety-nine per cent of the time, ve back blows will dislodge the choking object, says our trainer. If not, we must turn Tommy on his back with his head lower than his bottom and perform ve chest thrusts, a bit like CPR but with the ngers directed up to the throat. Head injuries must be a close second to choking. If you took a child to hospital every time they banged their heads, youd move in there, says MacDonald-Steele. Theres no magic rule: were told to sit the injured person down with a cold compress and monitor them for signs of potential internal damage include drowsiness, dizziness, disorientation, uid in ears or nose and dilated pupils. As we are whisked through these demonstrations, it becomes obvious that this stu is easy to remember and, like the best philosophy, all ts together. Old myths die hard, however. My mother used to put butter on my burns, says MacDonald-Steele, rolling her eyes. These days, theres one clear rule: put the burnt bit under a cold tap for a full 10 minutes not 30 seconds. Burns dont need creams but should be gently wrapped in clinglm. Other changes to old-fashioned wisdom include never inducing vomiting if a child has swallowed a toxic substance (doing nothing except calling for medical help is the best thing to do), and never tilting the head backwards to stop a nosebleed: instead, tip the head forwards, pinching the soft end of the nose, and releasing to check for bleeding every 10 minutes. After 30 minutes of bleeding, call for help. Never be afraid to dial 999, says MacDonald-Steele. First aiders shouldnt go beyond their limitations no tracheostomies with Biros, you know what I mean? I know what she means. While not exactly brimming with condence, I am at least now equipped with some basic tools if a child close to me crosses that banal line between life and danger of death.

The Red Crosss six-hour rst aid for baby and child course is available at 45 locations in the UK (60 in London; 45 outside) redcrossrstaidtraining.co.uk

10 The Guardian 03.09.12

Dr Dillners dilemma Should men become fathers before they are 40?
Traditionally, it was the womans age that was thought to be most important in determining whether a couple have a healthy baby. But a new paper published this month in Nature warns that older men have more genetic mutations in their sperm. These mutations could increase the risk of conditions such as autism and schizophrenia, which both have sizeable inherited components. The Icelandic researchers sequenced the genes of 78 trios of mum, dad and ospring. They found that fathers passed on nearly four times as many new mutations (most of which are harmless) to their children as mothers did, and that a 36-year-old man passed on twice as many mutations as a man of 20. This is because sperm constantly multiplies, providing opportunities for errors to creep in each time the sperm divides its genetic material. The average age of fathers is increasing, which suggests more mutations will happen. In 1993, only a quarter of new fathers were aged 34-54; a decade later, this had risen to 40%. Is the risk as you get older enough to make a mans biological clock start ticking? (a childhood cancer of part of the eye) and other illnesses later in life, such as breast and prostate cancer. The Malaysian Mental Health Survey found people whose fathers were at least 11 years older than their mothers had an increased risk of anxiety, depression and obsessivecompulsive disorders. It may also take longer for older men to become fathers. Men start to have reduced fertility by their late 30s and, if over 40, increase the risk of their partner having an early miscarriage. The age of the mother is still the more important factor in the likelihood of getting pregnant and having a miscarriage, but once a man is over 40, his reduction in fertility contributes to the overall risk. Many of the above conditions are not caused by one mutation and may be inuenced by environmental factors, such as whether a father drinks or smokes. These can inuence how genes behave rather than disturb their structure. But the studies only show associations and the research is not strong enough to suggest babies of older men should be tested like those of older mothers. Doctors now think that early- to mid-30s is a good age to have children, for both men and women. Its worth noting that while only 2% of men who were fathers at the age of 25 will have died before their child is 18, this rises to 12% by the age of 45, which is a more convincing reason for getting on with parenthood.

Sexual Healing
Pamela Stephenson Connolly

WRITE TO US

Send us your own problem for Sexual Healing, by emailing private.lives@ guardian.co.uk or writing to Private Lives, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU

Im a 22-year-old male student. Ive never had a girlfriend and have only experienced a handful of quite depressing encounters with the opposite sex. On the rare occasion I have had an indication that a girl has any interest in me, I run a mile, especially if Im attracted to them. Im wondering if there is anything I can do to reduce my libido, as Id rather not have to put up with sexual desires if it seems Ill be unable to full them. Having sexual desires is normal. Although youre uncomfortable with the sexual aspect of yourself, trying to repress or ignore it can be even more problematic. Instead, try a meta-analytic approach to explore your sexuality. First, appraise your sexual history: what negative thoughts, feelings and past experiences have contributed to your current sexual views? Would the depressing encounters have been less upsetting if youd had better social skills? To whom are you attracted, and why? How do you feel about your body? And about your genitals and those of others? What kind of sexual styles would be comfortable? Are you afraid of being out of control? If so, what boundaries would you need to set up to feel safe? Sex is not easy and spontaneous, but must be learned by trial and error. Be brave. You deserve the pleasure of connecting erotically with others. Approach sex as a subject to be studied. Your main task is to tolerate the learning process.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.

The solution
There are many studies showing associations between the age of fathers and increases in the risks of rare genetic conditions such as achondroplasia (short limb dwarsm). Other conditions include cleft lip and palate, a threefold increase in retinoblastomas

PHOTOGRAPH GRAHAM TURNER FOR THE GUARDIAN

03.09.12 The Guardian 11

Theatres London
Adelphi 0844 811 0053 Final Weeks Must End 22 Sept
DOMINION 0844 847 1775

SWEENEY TODD
Mon-Sat 7.30pm, Wed & Sat 2.30pm Aldwych Theatre 0844 847 1712

WE WILL ROCK YOU

by QUEEN & BEN ELTON Mon-Sat 7.30, Mat Sat 2.30 Extra show last Wednesday of every month at 2.30 www.wewillrockyou.co.uk

LYCEUM 0844 871 3000 book online www.thelionking.co.uk Disney Presents

OLD VIC 0844 871 7628 SHERIDAN SMITH

St Martin's 08444 991515 60th year of Agatha Christie's

THE LION KING

Tue-Sat 7.30, Wed, Sat & Sun 2.30 For Group/Education rates call 08448717644 / Disney 02078450949

HEDDA GABLER
Previews from Wed oldvictheatre.com PALACE THEATRE 0844 412 4656

THE MOUSETRAP
Evenings 7.30 Mats. Tues 3 Sat 4 www.the-mousetrap.co.uk

Theatre Royal Bath 01225 448844 SUMMER SEASON 2012 THE TEMPEST Until September 8 www.theatreroyal.org.uk

TOP HAT
"A musical like this comes around once in a lifetime." Sunday Tel No perfs 3 - 8 Sept Perfs resume 11 Sept 2.30 & 7.30 www.tophatonstage.com AIR COOLED THEATRE

DRURY LANE 0844 871 8810

SINGIN' IN THE RAIN

singinintherain.co.uk
LYRIC THEATRE 0844 412 4661

SHREK THE MUSICAL

FORTUNE 0844 871 7626

THRILLER LIVE!
Songs of Michael & the Jackson 5 Tue-Fri7.30, Sat 4&8, Sun 3.30&7.30 "**** A sparkling conveyor belt of Jackson's greatest hits! Time Out www,thrillerlive.com

The Threesixty Theatre 08448717693 KENSINGTON GARDENS PHOENIX THEATRE 08448717629

Vaudeville Theatre 0844 482 9675 NOEL COWARDS

Ambassadors 08448 112 334

THE WOMAN IN BLACK

Tue-Sat 8, Tue & Thurs 3, Sat 4 www.thewomaninblack.com
GIELGUD 0844 482 5130

BLOOD BROTHERS
Prince Edward 0844 482 5152

THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE

By CS Lewis Adapt. by Rupert Goold FINAL 3 WKS - ENDS 9 SEPT Mon,Wed,Thu 2.30,Thu-Sat 7.30 Sat 3, Sun 12 & 3.30 www.lionwitchtheshow.com

VOLCANO
NOW SHOWING - 5 WEEKS ONLY!

STOMP
Mon, Thu-Sat 8pm Thu, Sat & Sun 3pm, Sun 6pm

JERSEY BOYS
New London Theatre 020 7452 3000 / 0844 412 4654 Winner Best Musical! Oliviers Tue-Sat 7.30,Tue&Sat 3pm, Sun 5pm

APOLLO VICTORIA 0844 847 1696

CHARIOTS OF FIRE
***** 'A magnificent triumph' Mail on Sunday Mon-Sat 19:45, Wed & Sat 15:00 chariotsoffireonstage.com AIR COOLED THEATRE

WICKED
WickedTheMusical.co.uk Mon-Sat 7.30pm Wed & Sat 2.30pm
Cambridge Theatre 08444124652 WINNER 7 OLIVIER AWARDS Roald Dahls

WAR HORSE
25 day seats available from 10am Warhorseonstage.com

QUEEN'S 0844 482 5160

LES MISERABLES
WINNER! 2012 Olivier Audience Award Eves 7.30, Mats Wed & Sat 2.30 www.LesMis.com

GLOBE THEATRE
Performances Monday - Sunday 020 7401 9919 shakespearesglobe.com

MATILDA THE MUSICAL

Tue 7, Wed-Sat 7.30, Wed & Sat 2.30, Sun 3 www.matildathemusical.com

NOVELLO 0844 482 5115 "ABBA-Solutley Fabulous" D.Mail

MAMMA MIA!
Mon-Sat 7.45pm, Thurs & Sat 3pm www.Mamma-Mia.com

Savoy Theatre 0844 871 7687

HER MAJESTY'S 0844 412 2707

SOUL SISTER
Now Showing 5 Weeks Only! Shaftesbury Theatre 0207 379 5399

Criterion Theatre 0844 847 2483 Londons Funniest Comedy

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA

CELEBRATING 25 YEARS Mon-Sat 7.30, Thu & Sat 2.30 www.ThePhantomOfTheOpera.com

The 39 Steps
Mon-Sat 8pm, Wed 3pm, Sat 4pm

Nol Coward Theatre 08444825141 A Resounding Triumph" IoS

RSC Julius Caesar

ROCK OF AGES
THE SMASH HIT MUSICAL

Entertainment

Private lives

A problem shared My neighbours have loud sex and it keeps me awake

It recently became apparent that our upstairs neighbour had got a new girlfriend from the shrieky sex noises that were audible when the window was open. During the recent hot spell it has been impossible to sleep without ventilation, and on several occasions they have had sex, and she has shrieked, multiple times throughout the night. During one of their more energetic sessions, our apartment shook. I am a light sleeper and feel irate about this noise pollution but am mortied about the idea of broaching the subject with him. Earplugs dont seem to do the trick. What should I do? long-lasting relationship, so it will end. Maybe in a week or so. A pack of eight sleeping tablets will see you through. ClareLondon

Hideously Diverse Brita Muslim mates in an the demon drin d k

Use the internet

You could do what I recently saw while staying in New York: rename your wireless so its called We can hear you having sex. Theyll never know it was you. guppies

Up close and personal

Sidestep your discomfort, knock on the door, and look them in the eye. Explain the diculty of your situation. Be respectful and sensitive. But if they push back, be rm. Dont get angry, be clear that theyre being inconsiderate and more than a little ridiculous. It may not solve the problem, but youll feel much better once youve expressed yourself adequately. brokonos

Round of applause
Having both had and caused this problem at various times, try applauding loudly, and calling, Bravo! Bravo! and, if they look likely to perform a second act: Encore! If that doesnt work, leave a score card, gure skating-style, outside the door early the next morning: artistic impression, 5.4; technical ability, 5.7 and so on. If all else fails, yell: Thats the most obviously faked orgasm Ive ever heard. It should go quiet after that, apart from the mued sounds of questioning and reassurance. CB

Their place, not yours

Give them a break! They are enjoying themselves. Your annoyance is a choice. Choose not to be annoyed, laugh at yourself and be happy for them. I doubt its a constant thing in any case, they must come up for air occasionally? I really do feel like people should be able to enjoy themselves in their own home. lillithremedy

A nudge and a wink

Put a note through their letterbox, asking them to keep it down. Then play unsexy music loudly when theyre at it: The Wombles Greatest Hits is a good one and start making sex noises of your own so they think youre enjoying listening to them. Bonus points for orgasm noises at the crucial moment. If you run into them the morning after, leer and wink. Extra marks if you thank them for the fantastic night you had. ErmintrudeSnotte

Faking it
If shes shrieking, shes putting it on. In my experience, if youre having an orgasm its an intensely sensitive response, which doesnt involve the vocal cords at loud volume. Groaning, moaning and panting, yes shrieking, nah. If shes going to the trouble of shrieking because she thinks her boyfriend will be attered, shes being a fake and thats not conducive to a

Ive been with my boyfriend for nearly six months now and SHOULD I REVEAL MY SEXUAL PAST TO MY we are in a happy NEW BOYFRIEND? and loving relationship. However, he often makes negative comments about women who have had a lot of sexual partners. He doesnt know that during a dicult period in my life several years ago, I slept with a lot of men. I feel that by not telling him I am hiding part of myself from him, but should I tell him and risk ruining everything when its all in the past? I am a completely dierent person now.

Next week

Email us at private.lives@guardian.co.uk or write to Private Lives, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU

m drinking with my old friend Anwar. Not the Saturday night, falling down kind of drinking. Too old for that now. And Anwar wouldnt do it anyway. Hes an observant Muslim. So were gulping a malt thing from Dubai. Barbican, 0% alcohol. What passes for beer in parts of the Middle East and sections of Arab-tinged central London. This is drinking, Jim, as they would have said in Star Trek. But not as we know it. The rst idea was that we would drink waard. (Pronounce that vard: a zzy mixture of rosewater and pomegranate.) Its the treat that Premier League sponsors will give Muslim footballers judged man of the match. For years, the reward was a bottle of champagne, but that didnt seem much of a treat to the Muslim players. Manchester City player Yaya Tour rejected his live on television. You keep it, he said to a teammate. Chastened, the leagues sponsors decided on what human resources types call reasonable accommodation. Waard, already used to douse the winner of the Bahrain Grand Prix, was that reasonable accommodation. I searched for a bottle. Tried Harrods and the Edgware Road in London, the 23rd Arab state. Nothing doing. Still the Premier League is rich. It can y some in. Waard made me think of Anwar because wed worked together in another era, in TV and on a tabloid, when journalism was boozy. The oce would migrate to the pub and Anwar would be there, cradling orange juice. We assumed he was teetotal. We didnt really ask. Then came 11 d September. That lled the gaps in Septe our knowledge. k What was it like being sober when we W were all soused, I ask him? Quite funny, says. People would be jolly, then he sa they would cross this line and almost move on to another planet. Some people peop would be happier; others sad or aggressive. Id wonder if I was seeing aggre what they were really like. It w his Desmond Morris experiwas ence observing sober types become drunk drun though he never became censorious. You should have been in Saudi sori during the rst Gulf war, I told him; dur watching those same types stay sober. watc There were tales of journos stung Th bread bread into the bottlenecks of alcoholfree beer, hoping it might ferment. Dont b try it at home kids. It doesnt work. Hugh Muir

03.09.12 The Guardian 13

Below: A Bruce Davidson photograph (detail) taken in New York City in 1962, featured in Everything Was Moving at the Barbican

Visual art
By Adrian Searle
Liverpool Biennial The latest Liverpool Biennial, titled The Unexpected Guest, explores the underwhelming theme of hospitality. Its a city-wide catch-all including 242 artists in 27 locations: rude words by Gilbert & George, Mona Hatoum in the Cunard Building, the sci- work of Anthony McCall and the brilliantly voyeuristic photographs of Kohei Yoshiyuki. Various venues, Liverpool, 15 September to 25 November. biennial.com Everything Was Moving: Photography from the 60s and 70s More than 400 works by 12 photographers from around the world, including the incomparable William Eggleston, Boris Mikhailov, Raghubir Singh and Sigmar Polke. What the subversive German painter Polke is doing here is a tantalising mystery, in a show that deals with politics, wars, colonial misadventures and photographys coming of age. Barbican, London, 13 September to 13 January 2013. barbican.org.uk

Thomas Schtte: Faces and Figures Schtte is one of the best sculptors alive, whether building architectural models, making gorgeous, grotesque ceramics, iron and steel women, or evil and benign gures. Hes also a terric watercolourist and draughtsman. Serpentine Gallery, London, 25 September to 18 November. serpentinegallery.org Frieze London art fair Always interesting, always mad, Frieze brings together commercial galleries, specially commissioned projects, lms and talks, rich fanatics and star-spotting crowds. A great opportunity to love and hate art or be alarmed and entertained by an art-world stratosphere that lives in a nancial bubble, while another struggles to keep aoat. Regents Park, London, 11 to 14 October. friezelondon.com Jim Shaw: The Rinse Cycle LA artist Jim Shaw is best known in the UK for his hilarious, abject and sometimes inspired paintings found in thrift stores. His investigations of popular (and unpopular) culture span all media: painting, music, video and performance. This survey show should be a treat. Baltic Centre for Contemporary Art, Gateshead, 9 November to 17 February 2013. balticmill.com

Autumn arts planner

Bond is back, Nicki Minaj is touring and JK Rowling has written a novel without a wizard

Coming s
14 The Guardian 03.09.12

PHOTOGRAPHS BRUCE DAVIDSON/MAGNUM PHOTOS, DACS 2012, MARY CYBULSKI

Film
By Peter Bradshaw
Holy Motors This weird, wonderful lm is the rst feature from French director Leos Carax in more than a decade: it is partly surreal and entirely bonkers, a brilliantly inventive lm that could mean almost anything. Devis Levant plays Monsieur Oscar, a mysterious gure who travels around Paris in a limousine, emerging for a string of dreamlike adventures in a series of elaborate disguises. Cameos from Eva Mendes and Kylie Minogue. 28 September Beasts of the Southern Wild Since its arrival at Sundance earlier this year, this has gained a hugely enthusiastic fanbase, who rave about its Terrence Malick-esque beauty and a performance from nine-year-old Quvenzhan Wallis. A girl called Hushpuppy lives in the remote Louisiana Bayou and must fend for herself when her father gets ill, and the waters begin to rise. 19 October Skyfall After what many felt was a wobbly moment with A Quantum of Solace and nancial woes for its producers, the Bond franchise returns with a lm directed by Sam Mendes and featuring Javier Bardem and Ralph Fiennes; Judi Dench is back as M and Ben Whishaw is great casting as Q. Will it live up to 007s sensational appearance at the Olympics? 26 October Rust and Bone Marion Cotillard stars with newcomer Matthias Schoenaerts in Jacques Audiards lm. Cotillard plays a young woman who works in an amusementpark, training whales to do tricks for

the crowd. After suering a horrible accident, she strikes up a friendship and then a romance with a moody kickboxer called Ali. Despite its bizarre premise this is a surgingly old-fashioned love story made with passion and elan. 2 November The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part Two Much has happened since the appearance of the last Twilight movie. A hunk of online fan ction has been reworked as the soft-porn megaseller Fifty Shades of Grey, and Kristen Stewart has been caught making out with someone who was not Robert Pattinson. It is dicult to tell how the volatile fanbase will take to this nal lm, but it is bound to dominate the airwaves. 16 November Amour Austrian director Michael Haneke won his second Palme dOr at Cannes with this remarkable lm, an intimate chamber-piece with something of Bergmans Scenes From A Marriage about it. Jean-Louis Trintignant and Emmanuelle Riva are Georges and Anne, an elderly, happily married couple in Paris; when Anne suers a stroke and begins to decline, their love faces the greatest test of all. 16 November Sightseers Ben Wheatley brings his distinctive black-comic touch to this lm written and performed by Steve Oram and Alice Lowe. They play Chris and Tina, who take a longed-for caravanning holiday together in Yorkshire, but nd that their romantic freedom morphs into something else: a strange and sociopathic taste for violence. This could be British cinemas must-see of 2012. 30 November

Clockwise from centre: Quvenzhan Wallis in Beasts of the Southern Wild; Holy Motors; Daniel Craig as James Bond in Skyfall

in sight: our critics choose their autumn highlights in a six-page special

soon
03.09.12 The Guardian 15

Right: Nicki Minaj hits the arenas, while a 1967 collaboration between Nico (below) and the Velvet Underground is re-released in a lavish box set

Pop
By Alexis Petridis
Festival No 6 This festival is aimed at a punter of a certain age New Order, Primal Scream and Spiritualized headline but its secret weapon is its DJ lineup: Derrick Carter, Erol Alkan, Andrew Weatherall and Daniele Baldelli. Portmerion, Wales, 14 to 16 September. festivalnumber6.com Angel Haze Humilty-free Michigan MC, signed after a ferocious bidding war, brings her wordplay to a one-o London gig ahead of a hotly anticipated debut album. Hoxton Square Bar And Grill, London, 8 October. hoxtonsquarebar.com Radiohead The last Radiohead album, the knotty King Of Limbs, met with a muted response. Nevertheless, theyre still without parallel as a stadium band prepared to take musical risks. Tour begins Manchester Arena, 6 October. radiohead.com Jialong, Daphni Caribous Dan Snaith had limited ambitions for this side-project Daphni, but his releases under that name have been some of the most acclaimed underground dance tracks of recent times: hence the excitement around this album. Released 8 October

Hot Chip Electronic quintet follow their triumphant fth album In Our Heads with a full UK tour: a genuinely great live band. Tour begins 8 October, Norwich UEA. hotchip.co.uk/live The Velvet Underground Featuring Nico, Super Deluxe Edition If any album deserves the ultra-lavish box-set treatment, it is this incalculably inuential and important 1967 debut, bolstered here by alternate versions and rehearsals, a live show from 1966 and Nicos beautiful solo debut album Chelsea Girl. Released 29 October

Nicki Minaj Smaller shows earlier this year were uneven in quality, though occasionally fantastic. Now rapper Minaj reaches the venues big enough to cope with her cartoonish persona and multiple alteregos. Tour begins 21 October, Capital FM Arena, Nottingham Death Grips Ferocious, wildly unpredictable westcoast punk-rappers Death Grips (not averse to cramming hundreds of ideas into one chaotic four-minute song) arrive in the UK. Tour begins 5 November, The Fleece, Bristol.

Jazz & world

By John Fordham
Susanna The Norwegian founder of Susanna and the Magical Orchestra tours material from her new album, Wild Dog: ethereal songs that suggest a kind of 21st-century Nordic country music, delivered by the mesmerisingly puretoned singer-songwriter and pianist. St Georges, Bristol, 11 October then touring. susannamagical.com Wayne Shorter Exclusive UK date from enterprising new Midlands venture Jazzlines, featuring former Miles Davis and Weather Report sax star and jazz composer Shorter. Shorters quartet (with Danilo Perez on piano, John Patitucci

on bass and Brian Blade on drums) is one of the worlds most subtly attuned jazz groups. Birmingham Town Hall, Birmingham, 1 November. thsh.co.uk London jazz festival Britains biggest jazz festival returns with indestructible sax miracle Sonny Rollins, pianist Herbie Hancock, singer Macy Gray backed by David Murrays big band, and dozens more. Various venues, London, 9 to 18 November. londonjazzfestival.org.uk Welcome to Lau Land Innovative and technically formidable Scottish-English folk trio Lau launch their new album, as well as curating a four-day folk festival. This will include Scottish folk-rocker Roddy Woomble, traditionalists Rura, Martin Carthy and more. Kings Place, London, 17 to 20 October. kingsplace.co.uk

Esperanza Spalding plays the London jazz festival

Books
By Alison Flood
The Casual Vacancy by JK Rowling The death of councillor Barry Fairbrother sends the town of Pagford into shock, sparking an election fraught with passion, duplicity and unexpected revelations for his seat on the council. Even those who scorned Harry Potter are going to be curious about what his creator (pictured) comes up with when she turns to adult ction. 27 September, Little Brown Patrick Leigh Fermor: An Adventure by Artemis Cooper Patrick Leigh Fermor, who died last year at the age of 96, was one of the travel-writing greats, a war hero who related his journeys as a young man

16 The Guardian 03.09.12

Comedy
By Brian Logan
Doctor Brown: Befrdfgth The undisputed current champion of world comedy last weeks Edinburgh comedy award followed a Barry award in Melbourne brings his latest adventure in audience-mauling and smouldering silent comedy to London. Soho theatre, London, 30-October to 10 November. sohotheatre.com Fear of a Brown Planet Last years UK debut by Aamer Rahman and Nazeem Hussain was one of the highlights of the Edinburgh fringe: smart and funny, political but never preachy comedy from the bracingly new perspective of two Aussie Muslims. Frog & Bucket, Manchester, 16 September, then touring. frogandbucket.com

Pappys: Last Show Ever This irresistible trio of goons (Tom Parry, Ben Clark and Matthew Crosby) hit their dizziest heights yet at this years Edinburgh fringe, with a now hilarious, now heartbreaking and always winningly ramshackle show imagining their own swansong. Heslam Park, Scunthorpe, 28 September, then touring. yorkshirecoastcomedy.co.uk John Shuttleworth Before the Alan Bennett of the Bontempi organ goes out on tour, dont miss this one-o charity gig, in which cover versions of his imperishable oeuvre (including I Cant Go Back to Savoury Now and Two Margarines on the Go) are performed by Vic Reeves, Heaven 17, Reverend and the Makers, and, er, Barbara Dickson. Bloomsbury theatre, London, 22 September. Then touring from 1 November. shuttleworths.co.uk

Dance
By Judith Mackrell
Northern Ballet: Ondine This archetypal Romantic ballet about the love between a water sprite and a doomed young nobleman has received a choreographic makeover from Northern Ballet director David Nixon. Set to the Hans Werne Henze score commissioned for Frederick Ashtons 1958 version, this has sets and costumes by the excellent Jerome Kaplan. West Yorkshire Playhouse, Leeds, 8 to 15 September, then touring. northernballet.com San Francisco Ballet This season the company brings a trio of programmes that are stimulating and smart. Balanchines Divertimento No 15 sets the benchmark for new works by Christopher Wheeldon, Mark Morris, Ashley Page, Edward Liang and others. Sadlers Wells, London, 14 to 23 September. sadlerswells.com Dance Umbrella 2012 This years festival lasts just 10 days and is focused around a single venue. But it promises some of the most inquisitiveminded and entertaining dance on the international circuit, with works from Jonathan Burrows and Matteo Fargion, Wendy Houstoun, Beth Gill and No Soulier. The Platform Theatre at Central Saint Martins, London, 5 to 14 October. danceumbrella.co.uk Cedar Lake Contemporary Ballet This New York-based company is unusual in the scope and ambition of its commissioning. For its UK premiere, it brings new works by Hofesh Shechter and Alexander Ekman. Most exciting may be Grace Engine, a piece by Canadian-born Frankfurt resident Crystal Pite, whose choreography is thrillingly crafted and powerfully imagined. Sadlers Wells, London, 11 to 13 October. sadlerswells.com Matthew Bournes Sleeping Beauty The latest collaboration between choreographer Bourne and designer Lez Brotherston is this re-telling of the Tchaikovsky classic, which reaches from the 19th century to the present day. A gothic fantasy that addresses some of the puzzles in the original fairytale. Theatre Royal, Plymouth, 5 to 10 November, then touring. new-adventures.net

through Europe in classics such as A Time of Gifts and Between the Woods and the Water. Artemis Cooper draws on years of interviews with the author and his friends in this much-anticipated biography. 11 October, John Murray Back to Blood by Tom Wolfe The author of The Bonre of the Vanities sets his new novel in Miami, with characters ranging from the citys Cuban mayor to a nest of shady Russians and a psychiatrist who treats sex addiction. Wolfes previous novel I Am Charlotte Simmons won him the Bad Sex in ction prize, but his publisher is promising a hilarious reckoning with our times. 25 October, Cape Dear Life by Alice Munro A new collection from Canadian short story

writer Munro is a reason to rejoice. Set in the countryside and towns around Lake Huron, a landscape she returns to again and again, these stories are about the moment a life is shaped. Munro won the Man Booker international prize in 2009, when her work was described as practically perfect. 1 November, Chatto & Windus Standing in Another Mans Grave by Ian Rankin John Rebus ostensibly retired in 2007s Exit Music, but the detective is back in this new novel from the Scottish author, as stubborn and anarchic as ever. Rebus will be running into Rankins new detective Malcolm Fox and causing problems for his protegee Siobhan Clarke as he investigates a series of apparently unconnected disappearances. 8 November, Orion

Clockwise from top: Fear of a Brown Planets Aamer Rahman and Nazeem Hussain; Tom Parry, Ben Clark and Matthew Crosby from Pappys; Fabian Barba will perform as part of Dance Umbrella

PHOTOGRAPH OWEN SWEENEY/REX FEATURES

03.09.12 The Guardian 17

Above: Studio Orka presents The Legend of Woesterdam. Below: Playwright Lucy Prebble

Theatre
By Michael Billington and Lyn Gardner
This House James Graham has a formidable track-record as a chronicler of modern history: in Edens Empire (2006) he tackled the Suez Crisis. He now moves to a larger stage with a play about 1974, when an inconclusive election raised

the spectre of coalition government. Phil Daniels and Philip Glenister star. National theatre, London, 18 September to 1 December. nationaltheatre.org.uk The Astronauts Chair Why didnt women play a bigger part in the space race? Rona Munro explores the female pioneers who aimed to y higher. Drum theatre, Plymouth, 20 September to 6 October. theatreroyal.com The Legend of Woesterdam Studio Orka, a Belgian collective of site-specic artists, has created this adventure show for children aged eight-12 in a secret location. A huge hit all over Europe, it tells of a city where people have lost the ability to love. Mitcham Common, London, organised by the Unicorn theatre, 21 to 23 September. unicorntheatre.com Medea Rachael Stirling plays a woman spurned, with murderous consequences. Mike Bartlett rewrites Euripides to make it a play for today, in which Medea is a modern wife and mother intent on punishing the man who has deserted her. Citizens theatre, Glasgow, 27 September to 13 October, then touring. headlongtheatre.co.uk Red Velvet Indhu Rubasingham kicks o her tenure at the Tricycle with a new play by Lolita Chakrabarti about the 19th-century African American actor Ira Aldridge. Adrian Lester plays this iconic gure, who broke down cultural

barriers by playing many Shakespearean roles traditionally reserved for white actors. Tricycle, London, 11 October to 24 November. tricycle.co.uk The River After Jerusalem, Jez Butterworths new play has been eagerly awaited: there has been a real hoo-ha over the fact that Ian Ricksons production takes place in the tiny Theatre Upstairs. But it is an intimate threehander, starring Dominic West, Miranda Raison and Laura Donnelly, and it seems right that artistic considerations should predominate. Tickets for each nights show will be available online from 9am or at the box-oce from 10am. Royal Court, London, 18 October to 17 November. royalcourttheatre.com The Eect Enron writer Lucy Prebble is reunited with director Rupert Goold in this exploration of love and neurology. Billie Piper and Jonjo ONeill will star as the lovers who meet while undertaking a pharmaceutical research trial. Tickets go on sale 24 September. National theatre, London. 23 November to January 2013. nationaltheatre.org.uk Rats Tales Folk tales from around the world reinvented for the stage. The pairing of poet laureate Carol Ann Duy with director/ designer Melly Still should make this a terric family show. Expect something enchanting, cheeky and a little bit dark. Royal Exchange, Manchester, 29 November to 12 January 2013. royalexchange.co.uk

Artists Laboratory 05
Hughie ODonoghue RA
Until 14 October 2012
www.royalacademy.org.uk

Classical
By Andrew Clements
Birmingham Beethoven cycle All the symphonies, concertos, piano sonatas and chamber music will be included in Birminghams extravaganza. The focus is on Andris Nelsons and the CBSOs cycle of the nine symphonies; it starts with the First and Second Symphonies, separated by the Violin Concerto with Baiba Skride (pictured) as soloist. Symphony Hall, Birmingham, 19 and 20 September. thsh.co.uk Der Ring des Nibelungen Keith Warners problematic production

returns for three more cycles. On the plus side, Antonio Pappano is conducting, Bryn Terfel is Wotan once again, while Susan Bullock is Brnnhilde and John Tomlinson a potentially showstealing Hagen in Gtterdmmerung. Royal Opera House, London, 24 September to 2 November. roh.org.uk Arvo Prt Weekend The penultimate instalment of Minimal Extreme, Glasgows three-year-long celebration of minimalism, focuses on just one composer. Paul Hillier and the Theatre of Voices take up residence for a pair of concerts built around two of Arvo Prts most celebrated choral works, the Stabat Mater and St John Passion. City Halls and Kelvingrove Art Gallery, Glasgow, 27 and 28 October. glasgowconcerthalls.com

Supported by the Friends of the Royal Academy

Hughie ODonoghue RA, Road (detail), The Skeleton Town of Cassino, 201112. Oil and transparent photographic prints on prepared plywood panel, with pages of the Gramina Britannica. 36 panels, each 36 x 56cm. Image courtesy of the artist.

18 The Guardian 03.09.12

TV
By Vicky Frost
Mrs Biggs ITV looks at the Great Train Robbery from the point of view of Ronnie Biggs then wife, Charmian. The underrated Sheridan Smith plays the titular role with great style, while Danny Mays is excellent as her infamous husband. ITV, September Hunted It looks like Spooks, sounds like Spooks, and is even made by the same company. But BBC1s new international spy drama starring Melissa George a co-production with HBOs Cinemax is altogether more high-end, with MI5 ditched in favour of spying for paying clients. It is, possibly, even more ludicrous. BBC1, October Hotel GB Either a brilliant idea or a hideous one: let viewers check in to a hotel run by C4 stars including Gordon Ramsay and Mary Portas (dare you to leave them a bad Trip Advisor review) and help to raise cash for employment charities. Book by emailing beahotelguest@optomen.com. Channel 4, October Girls British audiences have had to wait for HBOs comedy drama about a group of 20-something women living in New York. But Lena Dunhams show she writes, stars and sometimes directs nally makes its way to UK screens this autumn following largely positive US reviews. Sky Atlantic, October

Left: Sienna Miller as Tippi Hedren in The Girl. Far left: Sheridan Smith as Mrs Ronnie Biggs

A Young Doctors Notebook Daniel Radclie and Jon Hamm star in an adaptation of Mikhail Bulgakovs short stories for the Playhouse Presents strand. The four-part drama draws on Bulgakovs time as a doctor during the Russian revolution. Hamm as the central character talks to his younger self, played by Radclie. Sky Arts, December The Girl BBC2 has been on ne form, with a series of ambitious dramas. The latest is The Girl, starring Toby Jones as Alfred Hitchcock and Sienna Miller as Tippi Hedren, the last of the Hitchcock blondes. The single drama explores Hitchcocks obsession with the star of The Birds. BBC2, December

PHOTOGRAPH BBC, MANUEL VAZQUEZ FOR THE GUARDIAN

Oliver Knussen at 60 The rst of the BBCs Total Immersion days is devoted to one of the most inuential living British composers and conductors. The programme ends with the composer himself conducting a programme of his music; on the previous day, there are two performances of Netia Joness staging of Knussens double bill of Sendak operas, rst seen at Aldeburgh in June. Barbican, London, 3 and 4 November. barbican.org.uk The Pilgrims Progress English National Opera continues its sterling service to 20th-century British opera with the rst major-house production for more than half a century of Vaughan Williamss greatest stage

work. Former Peter Brook collaborator Yoshi Oida directs the staging, with Martyn Brabbins conducting and Roland Wood taking the lead role. Coliseum, London, 5 to 28 November. eno.org Hudderseld contemporary music festival Britains leading showcase for new music opens with a concert devoted to Irish composer Donnacha Dennehy; other highlights include a new string quartet from Hudderseld regular Rebecca Saunders, and UK premieres of works by Wolfgang Rihm, Matthias Pintscher and Hans Abrahamsen. Various venues, Hudderseld, 16 to 25 November. hcmf.co.uk

03.09.12 The Guardian 19

Theatres

SAN FRANCISCO BALLET

Helgi Tomasson Artistic Director & Principal Choreographer

Three Mixed Bills including works by Mark Morris, Christopher Wheeldon, Helgi Tomasson and Ashley Page

Entertainment

Friday 14 Sunday 23 September

Image: San Francisco Ballet in Wheeldon's Number Nine. ( Erik Tomasson)

Television

h I see, thats the secret. There was a warning on the BBC previews website where I watch programmes in advance: keep the Doctor Who (BBC1, Saturday) secret until transmission or suer the consequences (extermination by Dalek, I imagine). Its the Doctors new companion. We totally knew it was her, though, nice Jenna-Louise Coleman o Emmerdale, didnt we? But we werent expecting her arrival until Christmas. Steven Moat, who wrote this episode himself, has pulled a fast one, sprung Christmas well, her on us early. Crucially, theres an overlap. Naughty Doctor. Remember when you were still in the dating game and the next one was already lined up before the last one was completely over? (I was always the last one, if Im honest.) Well, Amy Pond Karen Gillan is still very much around. And Im pretty sure I still have feelings for her. Not hapless, hopeless Rory, he can go (via Dalek, Weeping Angel, who cares?). But Ive always carried a sonic screwdriver for Amy Pond. Billie Piper too, seeing as this seems to be honesty time. What about this Clara Oswin girl the character Coleman plays then? Well, she is undeniably rather lovely, in her red dress. In distress too, imprisoned alone on the Asylum of the Daleks, a dumping-ground planet to which the Doctors mortal enemies send the psychotic and insane among them. Can there be anything scarier than a million mad Daleks? Oswin deals with what looks like a hopeless situation practically by boarding up the doors, hacking into the Daleks systems, and blasting out Carmen. Like it. She doesnt just know shit about computers, shes classy. You wouldnt catch Amy Pond listening to Bizet, would you? Never mind Doctor Who; Im beginning to think Amy Who? Plus Oswin is a domestic goddess

Doctor Who and companions in Asylum of the Daleks million or a billion of them?). Its loopy how can the Doctor possibly get out of this one oh, like that. And because Im a bit fuddled and rmly in my 40s, I nd that a lot of the time I dont understand what the hell is going on. What, so Oswin is a demented Dalek too? Oh, that seems a pity, and hows that going to work out when she gets the side-kick job full-time? The M1A2 Abrams tank, subject of Richard Hammonds Crash Course (BBC2, Sunday), is possibly the nearest thing our own planet has to a Dalek right now, with its big lethal prong and its capacity for killing. Its nickname, too Whispering Death could easily be the title of an episode of Doctor Who. The Hamster (he did actually use to be Jeremy Clarksons pet, did you know?) is not so moved by this machines ability to exterminate human life, though. To him, its a big boys toy. 1500 horse power, more than a Formula One car, phwoar; top speed of 45.1mph; 120mm smooth-bore main gun; 240 calibre machine gun hey this is like playing Top Trumps. Only its Richard (I cant quite bring myself to call him the Hamster it conjures up Hollywood rumours) whos playing. We just get to watch. So, in Fort Bliss, El Paso, Texas, a bunch of dudes with oensive haircuts let Richard play in their big tank. He gets to drive, and squash cars, to re the machine gun, and the big gun. He whoops and says its awesome, unlike anything else hes even been in. And at the end of three days, the dudes with oensive haircuts declare what many of us have long suspected: that Richard Hammond is a total tanker. Seriously, thats what they call people who operate tanks: tankers. Later on in the series, hell be learning how to be a complete trucker. High ve.

Last night's TV Scary, loopy and zzing with wit: Doctor Who takes on a million mad Daleks

By Sam Wollaston
too: she bakes. The Mary Berry eect has reached even the Asylum of the Daleks. Sous, mmmm. Oh, its burnt, well she can work on that. And the sou is mainly an elaborate and roundabout way for Moat to shoehorn a laboured pun in. Eggs terminate. Pf. Eggs actly. The laboured pun yeah, like I can talk! and the exciting new arrival aside, this is a lovely episode, overowing with Moatism and, well, Doctor Who-ness. It zzes along, sparkling with life, warmth and wit. It looks good (love the Parliament of Daleks). Its scary quite scary (maybe there is something scarier than a million mad Daleks. Im thinking those Weeping Angels are. How about two

AND ANOTHER THING

I see Keith Allen and Lionel Shriver are going to be lmed taking ecstasy for Channel 4. Spose I better have one too, just to review it.

03.09.12 The Guardian 21

TV and radio

Film of the day The Shining (9pm, TCM) Jack Nicholsons deranged writer stalks the blood-drenched corridors of the Overlook hotel in Stanley Kubricks unhinged horror classic

BBC1
6.0pm BBC News (S) Weather 6.30 Regional News Programmes (S) Weather

BBC2
6.0pm Eggheads (R) (S) 6.30 Celebrity MasterChef (S) The nal heat of this years contest begins. 7.0 Celebrity Antiques Road Trip (S) One Foot in the Grave co-stars Richard Wilson and Annette Crosbie hunt for antiques to take to auction. New series.

ITV1
6.0pm Local News (S) Weather 6.30 ITV News And Weather (S)

Channel 4
6.30pm Hollyoaks (S) (AD) The Savages try to pick up the pieces. (This programme will not be broadcast on Channel 4 HD.) 7.0 Channel 4 News (S) (This programme will not be broadcast on Channel 4 HD.) 7.30 Paralympic Games 2012 Tonight (S) Featuring athletics and swimming. Hosted by Clare Balding and Ade Adepitan .

A Mothers Son, ITV1

Watch this
Horizon: How Small Is the Universe? 9pm, BBC2
Following on from last weeks How Big Is The Universe?, tonights Horizon documents the quest to discover the most minuscule objects lurking in the innite wilderness. The programme hears from scientists looking to uncover multiple dimensions and evidence of parallel universes. Novelist Peter De Vries once suggested that the universe is like a safe to which there is a combination, but the combination is locked in the safe. Lucky for us, then, that cosmologists are so determined to crack the cosmic strongbox. Mark Jones

7.0 The One Show (S) Presented by Matt Baker and Alex Jones. 7.30 Fake Britain (S) City of London police ocers track an audacious ID fraudster. (Followed by BBC News; Regional News.)

7.0 Emmerdale (S) (AD) Amy gets tired of Kerrys lying. 7.30 Coronation Street (S) (AD) Eileen replaces Pauls vase.

Citizen Khan 10.35pm, BBC1

More hijinks from Sparkhill, Birmingham, capital of British Pakistan. This week, bumptious community leader Mr Khan (co-writer Adil Ray) plans a networking meeting with local businessmen. First, however, he must take his 80-year-old mother-in-law on a predictably fraught shopping trip. As per, the show combines old-fashioned sitcom pratfalls with telling satire: Im not an immigrant! blusters Khan. Immigrants are eastern Europeans, coming over here and taking the jobs from Pakistanis. Ali Catterall

8.0 EastEnders (S) (AD) Kat struggles to resist the charms of her secret lover. 8.30 Dial 999 And Wait?: Panorama (S) Are cuts in public spending aecting response times by the emergency services? 9.0 New Tricks (S) (AD) The team reinvestigates the case of a missing PE teacher after human remains are found near the boarding school where he taught.

8.0 University Challenge (S) Magdalen College, Oxford v Sidney Sussex College, Cambridge. 8.30 Lorraines Fast, Fresh And Easy Food (S) (AD) Lorraine Pascale oers advice on baking. 9.0 Horizon: How Small Is The Universe? (S) The work of scientists hunting for the tiniest things there are, hoping to catch a glimpse of miniature black holes and even parallel universes. 10.0 James Mays Things You Need To Know (S) (AD) Whats the fastest way to travel around the world? May explores the science of speed. 10.30 Newsnight (S) With Jeremy Paxman. (Followed by Weather.) 11.20 Toughest Place To Be A Nurse (R) (S) (AD) Preston nurse Maria Connolly works at a hospital in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, a city with one of the worlds highest murder rates. Last in the series. (Shown yesterday.)
exploration of how life on the West Coast has inuenced his work. 1.0 BBC Proms Chamber Music. Live from Londons Cadogan Hall, French pianist Pierre-Laurent Aimard performs music by Debussy, who was born 150 years ago. Presented by Clemency Burton-Hill. Repeated on Saturday at 2pm. 2.0 Afternoon On 3. From the Royal Albert Hall, the City of Birmingham Symphony Orchestra perform Glinkas Overture to Ruslan and Lyudmila, a new work by Emily Howard and Shostakovichs Symphony No 7. (R) 4.30 In Tune. Sean Raerty talks to conductor David Robertson and members of the St Louis Symphony Orchestra, and all this week, Suzy Klein invites writers

8.0 Paul OGrady: For The Love Of Dogs (S) New series. The comedian follows life at Battersea Dogs & Cats Home. 8.30 Coronation Street (S) (AD) Tommys exhaustion puts him in danger. 9.0 A Mothers Son (S) (AD) Part one of two. A woman suspects someone in her family may have been involved in a murder. Starring Hermione Norris and Martin Clunes. Concludes tomorrow. 10.0 ITV News At Ten And Weather (S) 10.30 Local News/ Weather (S) 10.35 Land Of The Dead (George A Romero, 2005) (S) (AD) Visceral zombiehorror sequel. Starring Dennis Hopper. 10.30 The Last Leg With Adam Hills (S) The comedian oers an alternative review of the days Paralympics action.

A Mothers Son 9pm, ITV1

The Treasures Of Ancient Rome 9pm, BBC4

10.0 BBC News (S) 10.25 Regional News And Weather (S) 10.35 Citizen Khan (S) (AD) A shopping trip threatens Mr Khans chance to mingle with leading lights of the Sparkhill Business Association. 11.05 Gavin & Stacey (R) (S) (AD) Daves not happy when Nessa says shes taking baby Neil to Essex. 11.35 The Lock Up (R) (S) Sgt Dave Porteus goes to the aid of a woman who has tried to kill herself.

Certain statements have become so ubiquitous, its Struggling through reed easy to overlook how much beds, and bleeding from a they shrivel under ev a even fatal wound, a teenager ound, is in distress. Im stress. cursory inspection: There sorry, she says. Curiare no second acts in ous last words. So begins t American lives; The Romans did do didnt a psychological drama hological art. In the rst that, initially at least, nitially part of this new spins around the series, Ala Alastair issue of whether f Sooke set out sets mother Rosie (Herr to debunk the mione Norris) can latter, exp explaining trust her own child, er how the Ro Romans Jamie (Alexander pioneered a new Arnold). Underpind). realism in s sculpning a sense of things ture (perfect (perfecting not being quite as they ing the inner wo workings appear, Rosies family is r, of the mind through uneasily fused with that ly th an understand understanding of of her new partner Ben physiognomy as (Martin Clunes). Worth n physiognomy Antony Gorm Gormley a look, though suspendsays), while th the ing disbelief may help belief emperor Aug Augustus at points. Concludes nts. used art to b build an tomorrow. row. Jonathan Wright an Citizen Khan, BBC1 empire. AJC

11.15 The Girl Who Became Three Boys (R) (S) The story of 21-year-old Gemma Barker, who was convicted of fraud and sexual assault after using online male alter-egos to seduce two teenage girls.
to discuss the Grimm Fairy Tales. 6.30 Composer Of The Week: John Adams. Donald Macleod talks to American composer John Adams (b 1947) every day this week, beginning with an exploration of how life on the West Coast has inuenced his work. (R) 7.30 BBC Proms 2012. Suzy Klein and Kirsty Young present a celebrity concert to celebrate 70 years of Radio 4s Desert Island Discs. Keith Lockhart conducts the BBC Concert Orchestra. 10.0 The Lebrecht Interview. American composer and conductor John Adams recalls his early years learning the clarinet and how he got involved in performing concerts of music by John Cage. Last in the series. 10.45 The Essay. Richard Witts explains the ambitions and idiosyncrasies of the early 20th century Music Appreciation movement, beginning by discussing the work of its British pioneer Percy Scholes. (R) 11.0 Jazz On 3. New rockimprov quartet Collider in session, featuring Leedsbased musicians Chris Sharkey, Matthew Bourne, Dave Kane and Chris Bussey. 12.30 Through The Night. Including music by Scheidt, Monteverdi, Praetorius, Grieg, Beethoven, Hummel, Donizetti, Janacek, Smetana, Chopin, Corelli, Rossini, D Scarlatti, Bach and Mendelssohn.

Radio
Radio 3
90.2-92.4 MHz
6.30 Breakfast. Music, news and the occasional surprise, presented by Petroc Trelawny. 9.0 Essential Classics. Including the Essential CD of the Week: Anne Queelec playing Scarlatti Sonatas. The Artist of the Week is David Oistrakh and Rob Cowans guest is zoologist Miranda Krestovniko. 12.0 Composer Of The Week: John Adams. Donald Macleod talks to American composer John Adams (b 1947) every day this week, beginning with an

Radio 4

92.4-94.6 MHz; 198kHz

22 The Guardian 03.09.12

Full TV listings For comprehensive programme details see the Guardian Guide every Saturday or go to tvlistings.guardian.co.uk/

Channel 5
6.0pm Home And Away (R) (S) (AD) Romeo hits the grog. 6.30 5 News At 6.30 (S)

BBC3

BBC4

More4
6.25pm Paralympic Games 2012 (S) With swimming, athletics, and table tennis. Coverage continues on Channel 4.

Atlantic
6.0pm ER (R) Carter saves the life of a gunshot victim who is then murdered.

Other channels
E4 6.0pm The Big Bang Theory. Sheldon takes charge of Pennys hair accessories business. 6.30 The Big Bang Theory. Penny feels threatened by a sexy woman. 7.0 Hollyoaks. Esther skips college. 7.30 How I Met Your Mother. Robin refuses to go to the mall. 8.0 New Girl. Jess returns to the at after spending an idyllic week with Russell. 8.30 Suburgatory. Dalia throws Tessa an extravagant birthday party. 9.0 Revenge. The night of Emily and Daniels engagement party arrives. 10.0 Beaver Falls. A publicity-seeking prophet declares the end of the world is nigh. 11.0 The Inbetweeners. The lads visit a Caravan Club meeting. 11.35 Celebrity Bedlam. Lee Kern plays pranks that test celebrities thirst for fame. Film4 7.05pm Picture Perfect. Romantic comedy, with Jennifer Aniston and Jay Mohr. 9.0 Transporter 3. Action thriller sequel, starring Jason Statham. 11.0 Pretty Bird. Premiere. Comedy, starring Billy Crudup. FX 6.0pm Leverage. The team cons a fraudulent hedge fund manager. 7.0 NCIS. A private investigator discovers the body of a missing Navy ocer. 8.0 NCIS. The investigation into a petty ocers death takes a strange turn. 9.0 Burn Notice. The team tries to prevent a violent mercenary causing chaos. 10.0 Falling Skies. Tom is reunited with his old mentor Professor Arthur Manchester. 11.0 Family Guy. Stewie becomes convinced he has skin cancer. 11.30 Family Guy. Quagmire loses his job as a pilot. 12.0 American Dad! Stan uses CIA brainwashing to control Hayley. ITV2 6.0pm The Jeremy Kyle Show USA. The host takes his successful talk-show stateside. 7.0 Super Tiny Animals. The growing demand for miniature pets. 8.0 The X Factor. The auditions continue. 9.0 Gladiator. Oscar-winning Roman epic, starring Russell Crowe. Flanagan: What Chance Change? 12.0 Journey Into Space 12.30 Brave New World 12.45 Ghost Stories By MR James 1.0 Sherlock Holmes With Carleton Hobbs 1.30 Rogue Male 2.0 Clare In The Community 2.30 All The Young Dudes 3.0 Design For Murder 4.0 Diving Belles 4.15 Loose Ends 5.0 To The Manor Born 5.30 Bookcases Sky1 6.0pm The Simpsons. Homer builds a robot for Bart. 6.30 Futurama. Fry meets a mermaid. 7.0 The Simpsons. Homer is forced to make a tough decision. 7.30 The Simpsons. Homer tries to be a better father. 8.0 A League Of Their Own. With guests Rio Ferdinand and Lee Mack. 9.0 Ross Kemp: Extreme World. New series. The battle for Karachi in Pakistan. 10.0 Road Wars. Police ocers combat vehicle crime. 11.0 Cop Squad. The work of police ocers in Cambridgeshire. 12.0 An Idiot Abroad. Karl Pilkington goes on a world tour, beginning with a visit to China. Sky Arts 1 6.0pm Spectacle: Elvis Costello. Mary-Louise Parker interviews the musician. 7.0 Hay Sessions 2012. An interview with Harry Belafonte. 8.0 In Condence. An interview with playwright Alan Ayckbourn. Last in the series. 9.0 Paul Smith: Maximising Britishness. A prole of the fashion designer and businessman. 10.0 The Beatles In Washington DC. A recording of the bands rst-ever American concert. 10.25 Beat Beat Beat. The Yardbirds perform. 10.40 The Ronnie Wood Show. The Rolling Stones guitarist talks to Paul McCartney. 11.40 Spectacle: Elvis Costello. Mary-Louise Parker interviews the musician. TCM 7.30pm The Fighting Lawman. Western, starring Wayne Morris. 9.0 The Shining. Horror, starring Jack Nicholson. 11.20 The Challenge. Martial arts adventure, starring Scott Glenn.

7.0 Worlds Scariest Near Misses (R) (S) Including the story of a pilot who bailed out seconds before his plane crashed. (Followed by 5 News Update.)

7.0pm Dont Tell The Bride (R) (S) History-loving and cravat-wearing groom Nathan gets 12,000 to pay for his wedding to Nikki, who hopes for a pink, girly and fun day.

7.0pm World News Today (S) Weather 7.30 Metal: How It Works (R) (S) Materials scientist Mark Miodownik travels to Israel to explore how mankind rst extracted copper from rock. 8.30 Only Connect (S) Three teachers compete against a trio of IT specialists. Victoria Coren hosts.

7.30 Gok Cooks Chinese (R) (S) Gok prepares steamed lemon sole, plus Poppa Wans easy Peking duck with pancakes and all the trimmings.

7.0 House (R) (S) (AD) Wilson brings both his career at the hospital and his friendship with House to an end. Opening episode in season ve.

8.0 Frontline Police (S) A drugs raid becomes a chase when a suspect escapes through the back door. (Followed by 5 News At 9.)

8.0 Small Teen Turns Eighteen (R) (S) (AD) Jazz Burkitt, who has restricted growth, prepares for her 18th birthday. Meanwhile, her father, Paul, begins a methadone detox programme.

8.0 Grand Designs (R) (S) (AD) A scientist attempts to build a carbon-neutral home.

8.0 Seinfeld (R) (S) George borrows his fathers classic car. 8.30 Seinfeld (R) (S) Part one of two. Jerry and George get the green light for their new sitcom.

9.0 Celebrity Big Brother (S) The usual highlights from the CBB house.

9.0 Our War (S) (AD) A war diary reveals how the failure of a radio cable had dire consequences for troops serving in Afghanistan. Last in the series.

9.0 The Treasures Of Ancient Rome (S) New series. Alastair Sooke charts the Romans artistic achievements. First up, the progression from copycats to pioneers of uninching realism.

9.0 Grand Designs Australia (S) New series. A couple build a 1960s-inspired house in the beachside suburb of Brighton, Melbourne. Hosted by Peter Maddison.

9.0 Alan Partridge: Welcome To The Places Of My Life (R) (S) Alan tours his favourite places in Norfolk. Spoof documentary, starring Steve Coogan.

10.0 Celebrity Wedding Planner (S) Neighbours star Ryan Moloney and former cast-mate Mark Little plan a wedding in a zoo for a couple.

10.0 The Revolution Will Be Televised (R) (S) Guantanamo Bay inmates take part in a sports day. 10.30 EastEnders (R) (S) (AD) Kat struggles to resist the charms of her secret lover.

10.0 If Walls Could Talk: The History Of The Home (R) (S) (AD) Lucy Worsley traces the history of the bathroom.

10.05 Stalked (S) First Cut documentary focusing on a single man whose life was blighted by a stalker. 10.40 Embarrassing Bodies (R) (S) How stress can aect peoples health.

10.0 Hunderby Helene tries to cheer up Edmund by buying him a dog. 10.30 This Is Jinsy (R) (S) (AD) Maven decides to ban a thrash-rock band.

11.0 Celebrity Big Brothers Bit On The Side (S) Emma Willis presents the CBB companion show.

11.0 Family Guy (R) (S) Stewie becomes obsessed with Lois. 11.20 Family Guy (R) (S) Peters parents get a divorce. 11.45 American Dad! (R) (S) Francine gets a new job. (First episode in a double bill.)
1.0 The World At One. Presented by Shaun Ley. 1.45 Coming Out. The ways in which people reveal their true selves to the world. (R) 2.0 The Archers. (R) 2.15 Afternoon Drama: Craven: Looking For Mr King. By Amelia Bullmore. 3.0 Round Britain Quiz. New series. Hosted by Tom Sutclie. 3.30 The Food Programme. Sheila Dillon explores the history of British mustard. 4.0 Mr Jupitus In The Age Of Steampunk. Phill Jupitus steps into an era where the 19th and 21st centuries collide. 4.30 Beyond Belief. Discussion on religious responses to economic inequality. 5.0 PM. With Eddie Mair. 5.57 Weather 6.0 Six OClock News

11.0 The Shock Of The New (R) (S) Art critic Robert Hughes looks at how artists reacted to the rst world war. (First broadcast in 1980.)

11.45 One Born Every Minute (R) (S) (AD) A prospective mother who hates needles dreads the prospect of having an epidural. Last in the series.

11.0 Seinfeld (R) (S) (Shown at 8.0pm.) 11.30 Seinfeld (R) (S) (Shown at 8.30pm.)

Family Guy, FX
Daily 12.50 Sports News 1.0 News 1.06 HARDtalk 1.30 Outlook 2.0 Newshour 3.0 World Brieng 3.30 The Strand 3.50 From Our Own Correspondent 4.0 News 4.06 HARDtalk 4.30 Sport Today 4.50 Witness 5.0 World Brieng 5.30 World Business Report 6.0 World Have Your Say 7.0 Sportsworld 8.0 News 8.06 HARDtalk 8.30 Outlook 9.0 Newshour 10.0 World Brieng 10.30 World Business Report 11.0 World Brieng 11.30 The Strand 11.50 Sports News 12.0 World Brieng 12.30 Outlook 1.0 World Brieng 1.30 World Business Report 1.50 From Our Own Correspondent 2.0 News 2.06 HARDtalk 2.30 Outlook 3.0 Newsday 3.30 The Strand 3.50 Witness 4.0 Newsday 4.30 Discovery 4.50 From Our Own Correspondent 5.0 Newsday

6.0 Today. News headlines and sport. 9.0 Amanda Vickery On Men. The explorer as the idealised man. 9.30 Head To Head. An archive debate on the subject of the permissive society. 9.45 (LW) Daily Service. Led by Mgr Tony Rogers. 9.45 (FM) Book Of The Week: Winter Journal. By Paul Auster. 10.0 Womans Hour. 11.0 Journey Of A Lifetime. Jaswinder Jhalli explores the lives of the gauchos of Argentina. 11.30 Everyone Quite Likes Justin. New series. Justin has to cope with going to his school reunion without a plus one. 12.0 News 12.04 You And Yours. 12.45 The New Elizabethans. The life and career of Tony Blair. 12.57 Weather

6.30 Just A Minute. With Paul Merton, Sue Perkins, Liza Tarbuck and Graham Norton. 7.0 The Archers. Mike feels torn. 7.15 Front Row. An interview with Damian Lewis. 7.45 (LW) Dissolution. By CJ Sansom, adapted by Colin MacDonald. 7.45 (FM) Dissolution. By CJ Sansom, adapted by Colin MacDonald. 8.0 The Speaker, Behind The Scenes. Mark DArcy proles John Bercow, the Speaker of the House of Commons. 8.30 Crossing Continents. Tessa Dunlop examines the problems caused by the construction of a mine in Romania. (R) 9.0 Material World. With Quentin Cooper. (R) 9.30 Amanda Vickery On Men. The explorer as the idealised man. (R)

9.59 Weather 10.0 The World Tonight. News round-up. 10.45 Book At Bedtime: Sweet Tooth. By Ian McEwan. 11.0 Word Of Mouth. The practice of reading aloud to family and friends in a domestic setting. (R) 11.30 Today In Parliament. Sean Curran reports on the start of the weeks business in Westminster. 12.0 News And Weather 12.30 Book Of The Week: Winter Journal. By Paul Auster. (R) 12.48 Shipping Forecast

Radio 4 Extra
Digital only
6.0 Sherlock Holmes With Carleton Hobbs 6.30 Rogue Male 7.0 Bookcases 7.30 Just A Minute 8.0 Beyond Our Ken 8.30 Steptoe And Son

9.0 Clare In The Community 9.30 All The Young Dudes 10.0 Design For Murder 11.0 Diving Belles 11.15 Loose Ends12.0 Beyond Our Ken 12.30 Steptoe And Son 1.0 Sherlock Holmes With Carleton Hobbs 1.30 Rogue Male 2.0 Ladies Of Letters Log On 2.15 This Sceptred Isle 2.30 Book At Beachtime: Arthur And George 2.45 Beowulf 3.0 Design For Murder 4.0 The 4 OClock Show 5.0 To The Manor Born 5.30 Bookcases 6.0 Journey Into Space 6.30 Brave New World 6.45 Ghost Stories By MR James 7.0 Beyond Our Ken 7.30 Steptoe And Son 8.0 Sherlock Holmes With Carleton Hobbs 8.30 Rogue Male 9.0 Diving Belles 9.15 Loose Ends 10.0 Comedy Club: Just A Minute 10.30 Clare In The Community 11.0 Chain Reaction 11.30 Micky

World Service

Digital and 198 kHz after R4

8.30 Business Daily 8.50 From Our Own Correspondent 9.0 News 9.06 HARDtalk 9.30 The Strand 9.50 Witness 10.0 World Update 11.0 World Brieng 11.30 Scotts Legacy 11.50 From Our Own Correspondent 12.0 World Have Your Say 12.30 Business

03.09.12 The Guardian 23

Puzzles

On the web For tips and all manner of crossword debates go to guardian.co.uk/crosswords

Quick crossword no 13,204

Across
1 Relatives (ones own?) (5,3,5) 8 Incite (4) 9 British crown colony from 1842 to 1997 (4,4) 10 Leeway (6,4) 12 Mortars partner? (6) 14 Piece of cake (6) 15 When everything goes wrong (with ones locks?) (3,4,3) 19 Bit (8) 20 Idea (anag) (4) 21 Where giant relief carvings of four US presidents are to be seen in South Dakota (5,8)
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Sudoku no 2,282

5 8 4

1 3 2 4 3 5 3 6 8 7 9
9 7 8 5 3 2 6 1 4 5 3 4 6 9 1 8 2 7 6 2 1 8 4 7 3 5 9 1 4 6 7 5 8 9 3 2

9 2 3 7 6 1 5
3 5 7 2 1 9 4 6 8 8 9 2 3 6 4 5 7 1 2 8 5 4 7 3 1 9 6 4 6 9 1 2 5 7 8 3 7 1 3 9 8 6 2 4 5
Want more? Access over 4,000 archive puzzles at guardian.co.uk/crossword. Buy all four Guardian quick crosswords books for only 20 inc UK p&p (save 7.96). Visit guardianbooks.co.uk or call 0330 333 6846.

10 11 12 13 14

15 18 19

16

17

20

9 7 4 2

Down
2 Askew (8) 3 Small branch or shoot (5) 4 Track eventer (7) 5 Wild dog (5) 6 Furiously (4,3) 7 Grunt (4) 11 Poisonous shrub, also called rosebay (8) 13 From Lhasa, perhaps (7) 14 Underwear (for artists?) (7) 16 Kitchen utensil for cutting vegetables (5)
21

17 Domain (5) 18 Saints light overhead (4)

Stuck? For help call 0906 751 0039 or text GUARDIANQ followed by a space, the day and date the crossword appeared another space and the CLUE reference to 85010 (e.g GUARDIANQ Wednesday24 Down20). Calls cost 77p a minute from a BT Landline. Calls from other networks may vary and mobiles will be considerably higher. Texts cost 50p a clue plus standard network charges. Service supplied by ATS. Call 0844 836 9769 for customer service (charged at local rate, 2p a min from a BT landline).

Solution no 13,203
ABRACADABR C U S K T O AUTOPS I ES B L I M E I OTHER BEATN R I I O H I NFANT PAYO M A J R O E L L I P S E I ND T U A S A EAT SNUBNOS R I S I N K ANAESTHET I A A I F R E C P A C K O F C A R D S
Medium. Fill the grid so that each row, column and 3x3 box contains the numbers 1-9. Printable version at guardian.co.uk/sudoku

Solution to no 2281

Stuck? For help call 0906 751 0036. Calls cost 77p a minute from a BT Landline. Calls from other networks may vary and mobiles will be considerably higher. Service supplied by ATS. Call 0844 836 9769 for customer service (charged at local rate, 2p a min from a BT landline). Free tough puzzles at www.puzzler. com/guardian

Doonesbury

Garry Trudeau

Steve Bell is away

24 The Guardian 03.09.12