War

On The Airwaves By Ricky Diaz Jock Jammers is a radio DJ just trying to get by. One day just when he was about to finish another show, his ex-wife Julia bursts into the sound booth unannounced. And theres definitely no love lost between the two. Email: rbdm93@mail.missouri.edu Cell: 618-670-8338 Address: 2900 Old Highway 63 South Apt. 5-305 Columbia, MO 65201 2012 Ricky Diaz

 Characters: Jock Jammers: (20s) Radio show DJ at a subpar radio station. He used to be a DJ at a strip club. Hes confident, intelligent, well adjusted. Hes an average-sized man, and dresses very casually. Hes Julias ex-husband, and hes still in love with her. Julia: (20s) Former waitress and culinary school graduate. Has been blackballed from all restaurants in a three state radius for setting a woman on fire while serving cherries jubilee. She has a mild panda obsession. She buys the radio station Jock works at to be closer to him for a possible reconciliation. Shes tall, fit, knowledgeable (in some areas), and very attractive. She dresses youthfully and vibrantly. Shes Jocks ex-wife, and shes still in love with him. Setting: A radio station sound booth. Time: Present

1. SCENE 1: JULIA KILLED THE RADIO STAR Lights fade up on a radio station sound booth. JOCK is sitting at a table with a microphone on it. Hes wearing large headphones over his ears. JOCK So I said ether? I hardly know her! JOCK presses a button on a sound effect box and fake audience laughter plays. Thank you. Thank you. Just a little chemistry humor for you people to let you know... Im educated. [Beat.] Make sure to tune in tomorrow, where Ill have the new Playmate of the Year, Diana Diamond, co-hosting the show with me! This is Jock Jammers for 103.2 The Dish saying peace out, and have a nice-- JULIA bursts into the sound booth. JULIA Whats up fucker!? JOCK Holy shit! Jerry cut the feed! JULIA Whats going on? JOCK Julia, what the hell?! Im doing my show! JULIA I know. I could smell a big steaming pile of shit all the way down in the lobby. It looks like your receptionist Ren isnt the only thing that sucks around here. JOCK stands up and takes off his headphones. He sets them on the table. JOCK I thought I was rid of you when I signed the divorce papers. Youre like fucking Freddy Krueger! Just when I think the nightmares over, you reappear like poof, and gouge my eyes out! As if by some form of bitch magic!

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JULIA Excuse me Mr. Jammers, what about when youd come home every night smelling like skanks and shame and then proceed to climb into our bed and try and put your penis in my mouth?! What about that, Jock?! Huh? I should call you Jock Strap, because thats exactly what your junk smelled like! A dirty, old, used jock strap! JULIA gags at the thought of the way JOCK used to smell. JOCK I was a strip club DJ! What was I supposed to smell like when I got home? Roses? [Beat.] Maybe if someone wouldve gotten a job, I couldve quit DJing at the Clam and found more "respectable" work. JULIA Is that the only argument you have? JOCK Its the only argument I need, Julia! Its a lot of stress having to work every night at a fucking second rate strip joint to help support yourself and your failed waitress wife, and her really creepy panda fetish! JULIA Hey, lets keep the pandas out of this! Theyre not hurting anyone! JOCK Except for the three people a year that get mauled by them. Other than that, yeah., pandas are great! [Beat.] Thats right! I looked that shit up! JULIA And Im not a failed waitress! JOCK Well, what would you call a woman whos been blackballed from every restaurant in the Tri-State area because of a cherries jubilee incident. JULIA That happened like three years ago! Plus, that womans hair grew back, and the doctors said shell regain her eyesight very soon. [Beat.] But shell probably be in therapy forever. A loud pounding sound is heard, like someone pounding on glass. JOCK Shut up, Jerry! Im trying to get Satan out of my sound booth!

3. The pounding stops. JULIA Youre still working with Jerry? JOCK Yeah, Jerrys a good dude. [Beat.] So... does that woman still have that restraining order against you? JULIA Yeah. I still cant step foot in Mulberry city limits. JOCK (Aside) Lucky for the city of Mulberry. JULIA (Angrily) What was that? JOCK Oh, nothing. [Beat.] Theres a brief moment of intimacy between JOCK and JULIA. JOCK breaks the moment and goes back into attack mode. I was just saying how great it was that all the money we sank into culinary school really payed for itself like you said it would. JULIA Well at least I went after my dreams, you settled for a shitty DJ position at a mediocre radio station that has had the worst ratings in the whole state for the last ten years. Your ratings are even worse than 105.7 All Beavers All the Time. JOCK Hold on there! 105.7 plays great music, and is all around fucking hilarious! Beavers are like my pandas! JULIA Oh yeah, I know how much you love beavers. [Beat.] But that still doesnt negate the fact that this station is shitty.

4. JOCK Well were turning that around this year! Maybe you didnt hear, but I have this years Playmate of the Year coming on the show tomorrow. JULIA Yeah, I heard. Howd you manage to swing that. JOCK I have my ways. JULIA Is one of those ways photo shopping a picture of her naked clubbing baby seals... while masturbating? JOCK (High-pitched) What!? No! Thats ridiculous. Thats blackmail. I dont do blackmail. Im Jock Jammers, voice of The Dish. I would never-- JULIA Really? Because I found this on your computer. JULIA holds up a piece of paper. The picture is facing away from the audience so they dont see what he picture actually looks like. JOCK When did you get on my computer!? JULIA That doesnt matter now. JOCK What else did you find!? JULIA Not much. Just some of our old wedding photos. [Beat.] Why do you even still have those? JOCK What, our wedding photos? I just hadnt gotten around to deleting them yet. JULIA Oh. [Beat.] You do have some great ones, though. Like the one of you and your brother trying to break dance.

 JOCK Oh yeah. He tried to do windmills and knocked over Grandma Bitsy! JULIA And then she couldnt get up for the rest of the song! JOCK and JULIA begin laughing briefly. The laughing quickly becomes awkward. JOCK Maybe I wont delete all of the pictures. JULIA Yeah, that was a great night. We had a lot of fun! JOCK If I recall, we had a lot more fun on the honeymoon. JULIA Too bad it didnt last. Theres a brief pause. JOCK Julia, why are you here? Is something wrong? JULIA (Hesitantly) No, nothings wrong. JOCK Are you forgetting that I know you? Seriously, whats going on? JULIA Nothings going on. JOCK Then why are you using your lying voice? JULIA I dont have a lying voice.

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6. JOCK There it is again. [Beat.] Just tell me whats up. JULIA Nothings up! I swear. JOCK Then, what do you want? JULIA seems to be embarrassed. JULIA (Mumbling) Your radio show. JOCK Im sorry, what? I didnt catch that. JULIA I want your radio show. JOCK You want my radio show? Are you kidding? This is a joke right? JULIA shakes her head silently. Well, you cant have it! I dont own the show, the station does! You have no right to try and take this show away from me! JULIA Look Jock, I just wanted-- JOCK You just wanted what, Julia? You just wanted to come here and try to flip my life upside down all over again? [Beat.] Well, thats not going to fly today! The station owns the show. So, unless you bought the station, I suggest you do like your mother walks. [Beat.] Butt out! JULIA (Furious) How dare you bring my spinally impaired mother into this!? She cant help that she walks that way!

 7. JOCK Yeah, because her spines shaped like a Z. I hope that shit isnt hereditary, because your ass is not nice enough to be put on display like that. This insult strangely seems to have struck JULIAs nerves. JULIA seems to be very hurt by that comment. JULIA Well I didnt hear you complaining about my ass when you were grinding on it at the club the night we met. JOCK It was college. I wouldve slept with any chick that had a pulse. JULIA Is that why your little friend was poking me in the back all night? JOCK Well your mother, the Z-Back of Pasadena never complained about the size of my unit. I almost screwed her back straight! JULIA What is the matter with you!? JOCK No, whats the matter with you!? [Beat.] You burst into my sound booth, interrupted my show, and insulted me, for what? Whats the point of it all? Tell me! Because I dont have time for all of your incessant, crazy, psycho-bitch babbling. JULIA You want the point? JOCK Yeah, I really would. JULIA The point is that I just bought the station for $50. Theres a brief pause. JOCK stares blankly at JULIA. JOCK You did what now?

 8. JULIA I bought the station. JOCK You bought the station? JULIA Yeah, I did. [Beat.] So, I guess that makes me your boss. JOCK Why would you do that!? Youre a horrible businessperson! JULIA I am? [Beat.] Because I think, I just bought an entire radio station for $50. JOCK Seriously Julia, you dont know what youre doing. Remember when you tried to help our little neighbor girl run her lemonade stand? You ran that business into the ground in under an hour! And that was a fucking lemonade stand! How the fuck do you run a lemonade stand out of business! JULIA Look, the brat got greedy! She tried to place all of our assets into her personal accounts! JOCK What accounts? Her piggy bank!? Because thats the only accounts an eight year-old can have! JULIA You werent there! That little bitch was crafty! She tried to cut me out of the profit! JOCK She was raising money for the homeless! JULIA She was? JOCK Yeah. JULIA Now I feel really stupid.

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JOCK and JULIA share a laugh. Theres a brief moment of intimacy. The moment is broken by Jerry pounding on the glass again. JULIA Jerry, since Im your boss now, I can say this. [Beat.] Shut the fuck up! The pounding stops again. JOCK Actually Julia, to be clear, you still cant say that. Thats a lawsuit waiting to happen. JULIA Really? Sounds like the things my boss always says to me. JOCK Where have you been working? JULIA The Iggly Piggly. JOCK and JULIA laugh. Slowly, JULIAs laughter turns into crying. JOCK What the hell? Why are you crying? JULIA I honestly dont know. Ive been really emotional lately. JOCK I knew there was something going on with you. Just tell me what it is. JULIA Jock, I cant. JOCK Yes you can. [Beat.] I know weve had our problems, but you can tell me anything, Julia. JULIA I can? JOCK Of course you can. Now, lets hear it.

 10. Theres a brief pause. JULIA Jock, Im Im pregnant. JOCK Youre youre pregnant? [Beat.] How long? JULIA About three months now. JOCK That was right around the time our divorce papers were finalized. [Beat.] The night I moved my stuff out-- JULIA Yeah. The next morning I woke up and you were gone. The divorce papers were lying on the bed right next to me. JOCK Julia, I was confused. I had so many emotions flowing through me all at once. I didnt know what I should do. [Beat.] So, I got out of there. I thought it was what we both really wanted. JULIA Well, you were wrong. [Beat.] I thought that if I bought the station, you and I could I dont know what I thought. JULIA starts crying. JOCK Julia, you cant buy this radio station. You have peoples lives in your hands. What if the station tanks? JULIA I didnt really think about that. I was only thinking about you and our baby. JOCK You have to sell the station back to Homer. JULIA I would, but after I gave him the $50 he walked out of his office laughing hysterically. [Beat.] What do you think that means?

 11. JOCK It means were fucked. JULIA I really screwed things up, didnt I? JOCK Yeah, you kind of did, but I guess Ill have to help you out. We cant bring a child into this world while were unemployed. JULIA Are you saying youll help me? With everything? JOCK Sure, I know a little bit about business, and a lot about radio stations. JULIA Thats not what I was talking about. JOCK I know what you were talking about. And even though I know nothing about being a father, Ill be there for you. They lean in to kiss each other. Just before their lips touch, Jerry begins pounding on the glass a third time. Hold onto that thought. JOCK picks up the headphones and starts talking into the microphone. What the fuck do you want, Jerry!? Cant you see Im busy here!? [Beat.] What? Were on the air right now? [Beat.] Oh, shit... The lights fade to black. END OF PLAY