Improving Relationships: Skills that Work

Dear Clients and Colleagues: The number one reason why people seek counseling is related to their relationships. Whether its due to an intimate couples problem, social isolation, family or work related conflict; relational concerns always take precedence even over finances. As discussed in the last issue of Living Well News, it doesnt matter what the presenting concern seems to be addiction, eating disorder, pain, depression, etc. at the end of the day the conversation comes back to connection, love, and belonging. These are not lofty needs or desires, but are necessary for our health, well-being, and survival. But, in todays world of technology, pressed schedules, and economic pressures, the simple things that have served as the foundation for human health and happiness have been strained and minimized. Its no wonder chronic disease is on the rise with 25% of American facing such challenges. Many years ago an author by the name of Robert Fulghum wrote a book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten (JESS HYPERLINK TO http://www.peace.ca/kindergarten.htm). In his own simple and elegant manner the author provided practical guidelines for successful living and loving through looking back on what is taught to children in kindergarten, as they learn to take care of themselves and socialize with one another. Sounds simple, right? However, sometimes the simplest of things are not so easy. What happens when those basics either get lost or are not really learned? These relational deficits leave a large gap in ones ability to relate and have needs met, leading to immense dissatisfaction and suffering. This issue of Living Well News Improving Relationships: Skills that Work is focused on getting back to the basics of relating effectively with others; highlighting the importance of our ability to listen, understand, and to develop interdependence in order to construct safe, balanced relationship dynamics that are healthy and satisfying. As you read on, you may wish to ask yourself how you rate in these areas and or how others around you rate. We hope you find this information useful and encourage you to forward the newsletter onto a family member or a friend. For more information or to schedule an appointment, contact us today by phone at 610.692.4995 or email info@MyIntegratedTX.com. Warm regards, Paula Tropiano, M.A., L.P.C., CCDP-Diplomate Director The Gift of Listening Have you ever been talking with someone and, before you can even finish your sentence, they interrupt to share their own thought or finish yours? Or perhaps you are in the middle of making an important

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point and their attention is pulled away as they check their ringing cell phone, send an email, or reply to a text message. Weve all watched someone we are talking to nod and even mutter uh huh knowing they didnt really hear a word we just said. People notice and can feel when others are not paying attention. These are conversations that leave people feeling unheard and unimportant, and they happen to all of us. In fact, most of us are guilty on a regular basis of listening to others in this same way. Listening with all of our attention is a discipline that needs to be practiced. It is also a skill that pays big dividends in both personal relationships and business endeavors. After all, every part of life is about relating. When we become skilled listeners, we provide people around us with a gift that they have rarely been given in their lifetime. For when we truly listen we take others in, learn about them, and acknowledge that they exist. When we listen we also learn more and allow ourselves to truly know others and to challenge our assumptions. Listening facilitates change. Do you tend to hear people or really listen? The Power of Validation Validation is to recognize and accept another persons thoughts and feelings, regardless of whether or not you feel that they should be experiencing them. Validation helps us to develop a sense of self-worth. People who are validated feel reassured that they will be accepted and loved regardless of their feelings, while those who are not validated are more vulnerable to emotional and behavioral problems and relational difficulties. We can validate another person by paying attention and reflecting back what we heard them share with us, asking questions, and identifying with them. This helps all of us feel part of and less alone. We can easily overlook the fact that ignoring others or neglecting to acknowledge them is indeed invalidation. This is why childhood neglect is considered abuse. When you dont identify with how someone feels can you still validate their feels and personal experience? Receiving Graciously We all want to receive. That is just human nature. Give and take is built into our primal template of survival skills. We give in order to belong and to build cooperative relationships with others as well as to plant the seeds for being able to take later when we need to. Without the dynamic of give-and-take, civilizations would crumble and cease to exist. Receiving is different than taking in that it involves being aware of the giver, what is being given, as well as the intentions of the giver. It requires being able to receive and truly say Thank you and take in the emotions that come along with generosity, such as gratitude, happiness and, at times, awkwardness.

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Receiving with accountability builds true relationships allowing for vulnerability and intimacy. How many of us are gracious receivers who truly receive the intentions, kindness, and generosity of others that are attached to what they give to us? What is your check and balance Do you tend to be more of a giver or a taker? Taking Turns Building Cooperation Early on in life our parents teach us the importance of taking turns an important lesson because it's learning the value of patience and courtesy. Knowing how to take turns becomes even more important as we move forward in life as adults, as we build relationships and alliances with others that we need in order to sustain. But adult reason can get in the way of this making some people, events, and things more important or convenient. This can be hurtful. As adults we are more apt to apply judgment as to why some things are more important than others. We can slight people without knowing because our reasons seem just, so it is easy to assume they should be accepted by others. When we do this, we block other people from having experiences that they need to feel valuable and part of. We also block people from truly being known and appreciated outside of the roles that we tend to put them in. As much as we might not want to take turns and do what we feel is wanted or suits us, taking turns is necessary to relationships. At times we must let go of what we want for the greater good of relationship. How are you with taking turns? We invite you to explore your relationship skills. Are they working for you? Is there room for improvement? Do you have a friend or family member who might need a refresher? Quote: "Since in order to speak, one must first listen, learn to speak by listening." - Rumi We invite you to sign up for the monthly issue of Living Well News please on the Integrated Treatment solutions homepage www.myintegratedtx.com.

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