Guide to Survive Stupidity

Patrick “Lendon” Green

"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped." Elbert Hubbard

So I was sitting down at my computer, it was that ubiquitous three o’clock in the
morning, and I just had this crazy idea. Now before I go into the idea I should explain its
origins. First off I was listening to George Clinton and the Parliament Funk, enough said
there. Next it has been well over a year in a half since seeing any of my friends. And
need I remind you that it was at three o’clock in the morning. Or really I should say it is,
because I’m writing still in the process of writing it, during this point of clarity and
insanity.
But really all insanity begins in the early hours of the morning. When the
“people” who have been up since who knows when, and the “people” who are not yet
truly up wander the earth. This of course has been referred to by many well meaning
“people” who have never seen the light of day as the “zombie hour” (the author doesn’t
actually know any well meaning “people”). This is the time that if you care for your
sanity, the only place you can possibly be is in a bed somewhere, preferably with a
member of whatever sex you prefer next to you. And as an aside, I would like to hope
that for all that read this, they find themselves in the before mentioned circumstances
regularly.
And if you made it to this point of this diatribe, I wonder for your own sanity. As
I was explaining the reasons for my insanity, and not your own questionable sanity, I shall
continue, to your eventual woe. I have spent most of the night sitting reading several web
comics. Most, as all good comics should, making fun of and destroying stupid “people”.
Of course I share this very correct thought process. Do I believe that a person needs to be
aware of what’s going on in the world to be smart? No, by no means no (and a “HELL
NO” for good measure). In fact I believe that some of those “people” who use
knowledge of current events to validate their own intelligence should be the first shot.
And finally we come to my idea. For those “people” who have a firm grasp of
their own intelligence, I hope you will find this piece of literature useful. I will attempt
to place down proper etiquette and uses for the mass of stupid “people” you may run into
on your journey through life. I will attempt to cover how to identify a moron, idiot, ass,
imbecile, etc. Other things I will cover are how much beating one of these miscreants
should receive for what they say or do. I will also touch on possible uses of said
imbecile. I will also set out to point out a few sites that the more intelligent person may
enjoy online that realize the word “people” should be used as a curse word (hence every
time I use the word I will be putting it into quotation marks).
For legal reasons, just to cover my ass should a stupid person actually read this, I
must point out that some of things suggested herein are highly illegal. And unless you’re
a politician, rich enough to leave the country quickly, or willing to serve time in prison,
and hence becoming someone’s bitch, do not take my words seriously. In fact if you
were going to do that, stop reading this. I mean it, put down the printout, put down the
book, close the window (on your computer silly, ask a smart friend), and ask for help.
Trust me; you are a special kind of stupid if you take me seriously.
As I’m writing this I’m still not sure what format this should be in. Do I write a
book, but then I have to publish it. Maybe an essay, but then what’s the point of skating
through high school. Possibly putting it down as a very forceful blog, but then I have to
post it on several sites to get it read. Though I do know I’m all for the free internet, and I
really don’t want to charge for this at all. Cause then it might become a fad, and it might
come into the hands of a stupid “person”. And no one wants that. Well I’ll just write and
figure it out when I’m done.

Step One: Identification

Okay first off is to identify possible drains on society. I would like to point out
that there can be some mistakes made. Such as, a person who is crazy is not necessarily
stupid. In fact, they may be very intelligent; they’ve just dealt with to many “people” for
their own good. Another possible mistake is a person who is normally rather intelligent
but makes a boneheaded mistake. It happens to the best of us, and more often the worst
of us. Reasons vary for this event. Sleep deprivation is a common cause, as is repetitive
tasks. But the most common reason is overexposure with the stupider side of the human
race. Later in this monstrosity I will go over areas to avoid and how to survive them if
you are forced to find yourself there. The last most common reason for stupidity among
the intelligent mostly afflicts males. This of course being hormones, or our libido.
Males, and by this I mean guys not men (refer to Dave Barry’s “Guide to Guys” for
clarification), are the most likely to sink into this temporary stupidity.
There are also many types of stupidity. Knowing them all is not necessary to a
better life, but most likely you’ve already witnessed many of them: especially if you have
ever turned on the television, or surfed the net. I will list some of the types here and can
even tell you the things you should really fear about them. It’ll be like a demented
animal planet nature show. And here we see the alpha dimwit mark his territory by
placing his high school letterman jacket over the bimbo’s shoulders. Trust me it should
only cause a few “people” to need therapy. And hey without causing emotional scars
what fun is it?
We will start our journey through that which is hell on earth by meeting an idiot
not regularly seen by the public, the military moron. Trust me they exist, and in this case
at least natural selection can be more common. The most common nitwit spoken of in the
military circles is the one that throws the pin. Yes, I mean they throw the pin, and
continue to hold the grenade, the live grenade. Trust me folks there is reason claymore
mines are labeled “Front Towards Enemy”. I will tell a true personal story just to prove
it.
I served in the Marine Corps as a combat photographer, so I know crazy “people”.
All Marines after boot camp go through combat training. Depending on your future job
depends on what course you go through. I went through the non-grunt (grunt meaning
infantry) course. Within my platoon, thankfully not my fire team or even my squad, was
a Marine who must have been led by his boot straps throughout life.
Anyway, the company was doing a live-fire (real bullets) exercise. The range was
set up pretty simply, we move around an area acting like we’re on patrol, weapons safed
and unloaded. When we reach the actual firing portion of the exercise we come on line (a
line where we’re all facing the same direction), load our weapons, and prepare to fire and
maneuver down the range. Some basic rules for this are that there is no flagging
(pointing the weapon at with no intention of doing so) of the line, when someone anyone
calls cease fire you cease fire and put your weapon on safe, and of course don’t shoot any
wildlife you happen to see (we were supposed to be a nature reserve). All very basic
rules of common sense, safety stuff to keep us all alive. So in a matter of twenty minutes
all before mentioned rules were violated. Thankfully, they were not all by the same
person. The Marine that shot the deer just hadn’t seen it, not stupid just bad luck for the
deer. But cease fire was called, and one man ignored it, he then was accosted by an
instructor. At this point he did the dumbest mistake you can do on a live fire range. He
flagged the line with an unsafe, loaded weapon. If you need to see an example of this
watch “Heartbreak Ridge”, good film Clint Eastwood might have made a good Marine,
where a man on the range turns and fires several rounds along the dirt behind other
members of his platoon. Fortunately for the Marine in question (and everyone around
him), he never fired any rounds when he flagged the line
This is but one example, from just one guy (he has more, some that still piss me
off), of military stupidity. If you know someone in, or who was in, the military, ask them
all about the simpletons they ran across during their time. If you don’t understand the
acronyms they use, don’t worry sometimes they don’t know either. Just do what we all
learned in boot, go with the flow.
The next stop on what could only be a misery journey is a very simple stop. It is
an exhibit of moronity. It has made several intelligent well thought out shows move or
even be canceled entirely. It’s a mar on society that has unfortunately created spin-offs of
the original. It needs to be destroyed and all its satanic (no offense to Satan worshipers,
I’m sure some of you are intelligent “people”) children. And of course I am speaking of
none other than “American Idol”. I need to burn my hands just for typing those words
together. But worse than the show is the “people” who watch it religiously. And in
reality I think the “people” who thought of it were geniuses, evil geniuses, but still
geniuses. I mean they found a product that the American idiot (pun slightly intended)
would eat up. And one that would torture the rest of us.,
Now, I have to hit on the religious nuts. I’m talking to you Jesus Freaks, anyone
who thinks a Jihad is a good idea, and pretty much any other radical religious nut out
there. Though I must not leave out the “people” that pick up a religion because they want
to get under someone’s skin, or to live out some fantasy, these “people” are a drain on
that religion and the world in general. Plus they are the one’s that are more likely to
become the radical nuts. Before anyone goes into religious rant of wrath and hate, I must
state that yes I believe that Jesus is my savior but that I do not go well with any church or
religion. Maybe it’s all the “people”, but I don’t do well. I will not force my faith on
anyone else and will be the first to laugh at a good Jesus joke. You know how the rest of
this spiel goes, yada, yada I respect all religions…blah. Anyway, I actually think anyone
who will force their beliefs on someone else is in all regards nuts and stupid. That pretty
much wraps up the Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses. If you want to bring “people” to
your religion, try a pancake breakfast, not door to door marketing. If religion comes up
in the conversation, say because Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ” was in someone’s
DVD collection fine, not bringing the movie to a friends house along with the “Left
Behind” series. Ok so you can really hear me going off against the Christian religions,
only because you write what you know and my Torah and Koran studies are a little bit
rough. But I’m sure they have similar problems, I mean their “people”.
Now since were hitting the nuts who believe in something, we just have to go
political next. There is nothing stupid about being aware and even possibly active in the
political system. The problem of stupidity comes up when you start believing in
something with out really knowing what it is. Or getting behind a candidate because their
running for your party. You were born with a brain, use it. If you pick one news source
to get all your news in today’s day and age, you are most decidedly a raving, stumbling
poster child of the lobotomized. I almost hate to say it, but it seems the best source of
non biased information now seems to be the comedians. They are the most impartial
anchors I’ve seen on television or the web. They’re impartial only because they try to
make fun out of everybody. If that’s what it takes to be impartial, wait that is actually a
good idea. Actually I have found the best way to find impartiality for your nation’s
politics is find another nation’s news that’s covering your political situation. They really
don’t care, and it makes politics seem so funny looking. If you’re American I suggest the
BBC news programs. (When this was written this was still a good idea, being before the
2008 election, now even BBC seems biased)
Now for the final group of ignots (this group is so special I have to create a new
word for them). And this can include anyone, at any time, in any store. Yes, if you are a
consumer you have the capability of becoming an ignot (I really like this word; it’s just
fun to say). If you think this unfair, to most “people”, think again. I realize most of you
are normal and intelligent. But when anyone walks into a store, or even visits one online,
they change, their intelligence is sapped. We’ve all done it, you may not even realize
you’ve done it, but you have. Does that mean if you’re in a store you are automatically
an ignot? No, it just means that there is higher risk of being stupid. Don’t get me wrong
clerks and sales representatives can be equally dummifying (yes another made up word,
you have to love that poetic license crap), but that’s a whole other level. And really the
two categories could just be put down to over contamination. I tend to believe that the
sales clerk tend to know something about what their selling, at least I hope they do.
And of course there are many other varieties of imbeciles. I won’t go into them
now, mainly because I have the feeling I should move on before I piss off everyone. But
then again they’re just “people”.

Step two: Punishment

I would like to say that if you are luckless enough to find yourself accosted by one
of the many nincompoops this world has to offer, it is your privilege, right, and even your
duty to exterminate the person from the gene pool and any spawn they may have already
squeezed out; this is illegal in most nations. And for some reason it is even frowned
upon. Though I must state that the Darwin Awards are a step in the right direction, the
next step might possibly be of course helping these “people” out of the pool. Now I did
not say a quick way out on purpose. Each ignotosy should probably deserve its own
special punishment.
Now I really don’t think I’ll be going too in depth into possible punishments for
all possible crimes of stupidity. Mainly because each is like a snowflake, theirs too many
of them for me to try and categorize them. At least not in my current sleep deprived state.
I may eventually put out a revised version where I add all sorts of categories. But, I like
to think this is being read by some one who has some common sense and a little
creativity. That’s all you really need to create a decent punishment. And if you lack
creativity there are several web comics out there that can point you in the right direction.
But because I was hit with a muse of stupidity this evening I will give one idea of
a possible punishment. The event of stupidity that occurred was that a female friend of
mine was in a more seedy part of town walking to an appointment, when a man (see
libido comments earlier) pulled along side her and propositioned her as a woman of the
streets (to use an euphemism, weeding out the idiots all the time). I must say she handled
it very well, and all she did was say two words. Well one word really, but she said it
twice in a very demanding tone, just “WHAT?” I of course was on the phone with her at
the time and thought of several things I could have done to the said man in the car; most
noticeably, to test whether his windshield was shatter-proof, with his forehead. Of course
I soon thought of other things I could have done to shatter his small brain. The most
cruel I can think of in my current state is, using my best stereotypical gay male voice, to
tell him that it was my night off and that if he really wanted to try me he should try back
tomorrow night. I can almost see his confused face, and his brain exploding. Who says
only females can play mind games?

Step Three: Possible Uses

Well unfortunately I can actually think of several things an intelligent person may
use a stupid person for. Just to start, you can always use one as a human shield. I have
heard they are also good for good meaningless sex. If you have a really talkative one we
can always use them as an interrogation technique. I would say that they would create a
acceptable substitute for water-boarding, but I think if it was left to intelligent people
water-boarding wouldn’t be an issue. Before you go all crazy lynch mob on me for that
you must realize, that I also think most atrocities, wars, and civil actions would have been
eliminated if the intelligent actually ran the world. This is a short step. I probably would
have used up more page space if I had done a list, but hey lists are for people who can
think straight.

Step Four: Possible Intelligent Media

Unfortunately I’m hesitant to actually put anyone down until I actually contact
them and kindly ask their permission to use their creation as validation that there really
are smart people out there. But for now keep hope, we are not a dying breed. And I’m
done for now. There will be revisions eventually. “People”, I need a drink.