Marriage: An Essay

Thoughts After The First Ten Years.

William W. Cronkright

Contents
Dedication ..................................................................................................................................................... 3 Introduction .................................................................................................................................................. 4 The Foundations of Marriage ....................................................................................................................... 5 The Purpose of Sex........................................................................................................................................ 8 Love the Noun vs. Love the Verb ................................................................................................................ 10 Important Choices....................................................................................................................................... 11 Passion from Pursuit ................................................................................................................................... 13 Conclusion ................................................................................................................................................... 15 A Renewal................................................................................................................................................. 17

Dedication
To my beloved, Krista, After ten years of trial and error, of groping in relational darkness, I can honestly say that you have been patient beyond what I deserve. I dedicate this to you. I certainly hope that the contents herein will honor you and reaffirm my ardent, passionate pursuit of you. During our marriage, we have been blessed with failures and successes. We have been blessed with wonderful children, and we have been blessed with an amazing adventure that I would trade for nothing. A decade of marriage is but a brief start to something greater. I am full of anxious, joyous anticipation when I picture our future together and I see the potential presented in our children. I hope you enjoy reading this and accept it, though it is a feeble attempt to reaffirm my choice. I choose us. I love you, darling.

Introduction
It has been ten years since my beloved and I declared to the world before nearly 500 witnesses that we would love each other for the remaining days of our lives. In a meager attempt to pay homage to what I hope is the first of many such benchmarks to come, and in a humble attempt to preserve and pass down a modicum of wisdom to my children (and anyone else who may happen to read this), I thought it fitting to attempt an essay on marriage to mark the occasion. I do not claim to be a psychologist, counselor, pastor, or the like. Nor do I claim to have any more experience to offer here than a stark ten years would provide an average man; the only experience I have to draw upon is my own. My only hope is that all who read this shall find some small smattering of wisdom that each one can apply to his or her own life. By admission, this task is a daunting one. Not only do I have many fragmented thoughts that need to be intertwined, but the idea of being judged or merely dismissed by anyone who may not agree with my position is also foremost in my mind. It would certainly be easier to send flowers than to extend myself in the following pages, but the potential rewards, I think, outweigh the potential risks. I intend to discuss issues here that I have struggled to answer for myself over the previous years and then to hopefully lead you down the same path of resolution that I have travelled. The continuity of subjects will certainly be my primary challenge as I walk you through the meandering thought stream of my convoluted consciousness, but if you stick with me, you will hopefully have your determination rewarded. My primary resource in this discussion is the Bible. Though I draw on other sources, those references, too, lean on the Bible. Whether you agree with me that it is the Holy Word of God is secondary in this discussion. This is the oldest historical book that most of have access to. It has something to say about all of the issues that affect us today: money, marriage, friendship, conflict, etc. I will draw on other resources to the best of my abilities, but as I am writing this mostly from memory without my library in reach, please forgive the slim nature of my references in this edition. Perhaps I will be able to add to this as the years continue and on another benchmark there will be a more comprehensive listing. This limitation aside, I ask that as you read this, you search for the pieces that have applicability to yourself. Certainly, there is no perfect advice; there is no universal handbook, but there is always value to be found if we look with our eyes open. Let us begin... Picture two men in the cycling section of a sporting goods store. As chance would have it, it was the first day of January - New Year's Day - and both men have made a resolution to improve their fitness. It is a common dedication that probably all of us have made in our lives, and I am certain that many of us make it yearly. It is a very relatable New Year's Resolution. The two men, full of excitement and possibility, strike up a conversation while standing there and agree to a friendly competition with one another. Very little else was said, but they exchanged information and agreed to the terms of the contest. Each one purchased a bicycle identical to the other's and left the store determined to get started, certain of his outcome. Months passed. Eventually the time came for the two previously eager and excited men to meet again. The time had elapsed in a typical fashion. The daily grind of work, family, sporting events, dance recitals and the like had been a factor for both men. The excitement that possessed each man on the day of initiation had faded, though the promise made that day had not lost its efficacy. Each started the contest with a desire to do well to succeed. They both had an emotional compulsion to make good on their pledge. They both certainly started with energy, motivation and excitement, but as the end of their allotted time approached, one was fit, and the other was exactly the same as when they met on that particular New Year's Day. My question is this: What was wrong with the bike?

Take some time to digest this question as you read on, but let's come back to these two men and their bikes a little later.

The Foundations of Marriage

I suppose a good place to start in this discussion is with the purpose or foundations of marriage. Why do we get married and what purpose does it serve? A purposeful definition of marriage should suffice to answer the question. The answer is found in the opening chapters of the book of Genesis. It is summarized in verse twenty-four of the second chapter where it is written "For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined unto his wife and the two shall become one flesh."i To be perfectly honest, I have never cared for this verse because it seems as if it is too simple. There must be more to it. What reason are we reading about? I am certain there are people who are convinced that a religious or spiritual approach to the reasons behind marriage is not required. I would challenge this briefly by asking the question "Why, then, do we marry in a church?" Certainly, this is not always so. There are "justice of the peace" weddings. There are destination weddings and such, but by and large most weddings are conducted inside the walls of an established building of worship a church. I have been fortunate to attend a number of weddings for friends of mine who I have served with in the Marine Corps. Some of the foulest and most vulgar men you will ever meet men who have never shown a hint of spiritual prowess or morality-based restraint in their personal lives still get married in a church. I digress. Lets get back to Genesis. Genesis chapter two has the first wedding, and it is a beautiful thing. In the beginning of the chapter God is evaluating His newest creation man and here is the first time God sees something that He does not like. In verse 18, we read that God says It is not good for the man to be alone.ii The Hebrew word which is translated as alone used here quite literally means cut off. It is the same word that would be used to describe removing a limb.iii No suitable companion was found. Think of it this way: there was no other being on earth that could match mans complexity and provide balance and fulfillment for him. Is that surprising? God made all the other creatures from his imagination, but man was made from his image. None of his previous creations would fit the bill for this most unique creation, so God had to create something more to be a suitable helper. Further, God reveals Himself as a community. He is a Trinity. This new thing that He made in His image was a single being. God realized that it is not good for the Man to be alone because as solitary beings we cannot be like our maker who is separate, equal, but yet, uniquely one. The result of this next creation is the first wedding. Take a minute and imagine the pristine and beautiful setting: A gorgeous garden with four rivers running through it. Long, luscious grass, flowers in bloom, birds chirping, the warm sun shining gently (God has not made it rain yet), beautiful fruit trees of all kinds and it is all new. Think of how fresh it must smell, and imagine the scent of the flowers floating on the breeze. This is peace utter seclusion in the most fantasy filled, dreamy, perfect place ever created. To me, and I hope most of you will agree, this is a pretty romantic location for a wedding. Now visualize a man waking up in the pristine garden that I just described. He stands and sees his Maker walking a beautiful woman over to him. Remember that the man has never seen a creature that looks like him, talks like him, walks like him, thinks like him, or feels emotions like him. Up until now, there have only been the beasts of the field to keep him company, but here he awakens to see a creature just like him being presented. God, who is later described as a father, plays a role much like the traditional father-of-the-bride does in a modern wedding. He walks in through the garden and presents her to him. Sound familiar? If we added a veil and a rendition of Pachelbels Canon this event would be

nearly indistinguishable from a modern wedding. The important take-away here, besides the wonderful imagery and modern comparison, is that human history started with a wedding. Now we go on to read that for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined unto his wife and they shall become one flesh.iv I had difficulty with this passage for many years because, as I have already said, I never felt that this reason was very well explained, but the answer is plainly there in the previous verse. The man (and I have been careful not to refer to this couple as Adam and Eve because those names are a direct result of original sin, a much less wonderful part of human history) states plainly that this beautiful creature used to be a part of himself and he wants it back. So what is the reason for marriage? In a word, need. Necessity. It comes from a subtle, inherent, secret acknowledgement from each of us that we are missing a key portion of ourselves. We all are seeking the missing pieces of what we were created to be. As an aside, in the paragraph above I made a statement about the original names of the man and the woman. This piece of information is directly taken from the sermon series by Pastor Mark Van Valin that I will frequently reference throughout. I do not claim the skills or understanding of Hebrew to be able to make these determinations myself, but I believe that this is true and share it freely for your consideration. In Genesis 5, there is a glimpse into the design and intention for man. Here we get an account of Adams line. In verse two it is written He created them male and female and named them man in the day they were created. (Emphasis mine.) The Hebrew word for man here is translated as Adam, but apparently there is an article in the Hebrew which precedes this word. It is the definitive article and thus Adam should read the Adam. Note now that they were both named the Adam by God on the day of creation. Man and woman, male and female, were both called the Adam or man. Adam is, therefore, a generic word for mankind, but the important distinction is that this name was given by God Himself on the day of creation. In Genesis 2:23 when the man says, She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of man, the words for man and woman are ish and ishah. They are essentially a masculine and a feminine form of the same word; they are virtually the equivalent. The man (ish) was acknowledging the unique nature of this relationship: she was ishah to ish. We can infer a measure of admitted equality from the similarity of these two words. Note also that in Genesis 1:28 it reads God blessed them; and God said to them Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and the over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth.v (Emphasis mine.) This mandate of sovereignty is given to both pieces of the Adam, not just the male half. It is not until after original sin, or the fall of man, that the man keeps the God-given name for himself and gives the woman the name Eve saying that she is the mother of all the living. So the man, who is bigger, faster, and stronger, took for himself the name God gave them both.vi Also, it is here at the beginning of human history, that we get our first revelations of the nature of God. Firstly, man was created so complexly because of what he was modeled after, that God had to create a special creature to fill the role of companion and helper. Secondly, He physically separated and then spiritually and physically rejoined the pieces much like God is separate but yet one. Each one intended and designed to be working as the perfect complement to the other. The wedding, then, is a cosmic act intended and designed to bring us more in line with the Creators design. So intimate is the marriage relationship that the two are declared to become one flesh (Gen. 2:24). The word one in this case is the same word used to describe God in Deuteronomy 6:4, which says, Listen, Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one! (NKJV). The Hebrew word for one means composite unity, as opposed to absolute unity. In the case of God, it is three who are one; in the case of marriage, two who are one. Apparently, Gods desire is that the marriage relationship be extremely intimate.vii

At one point during my high school years, there was an assignment given by a teacher. The task was simple enough: go to your parents and ask them what one, single quality they would look for in a mate should they get to choose one on your behalf. To a young man in his early teens, this was an intimidating proposition. I hope never to consign to oblivion the results of this survey, however. My father simply said Shapeliness. He went on to describe that which I have briefly stated a moment ago that each of us is missing a key part of who we are intended to be. And whats more, God, our creator, sees us an incomplete puzzle fashioned as a part of a kinship not as a solitary being. It has taken many years to digest this simple wisdom. Even now, I am not certain that I have it nailed, but time has given me a more comprehensive view of this elementary, yet exceptionally complex answer. In the original design the man and woman were equals each a perfectly designed balance for the other one. The man says, This is now flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone.viii It is not recorded that he says, Here is a lesser being made from the unwanted parts of me. I will make her submit to my will. That change to a submissive relationship comes a little later in history, and it is a tragedy a gross departure from the original blueprint from which we are still reeling today. Another testament that there has been a change to the relationship between man and woman even without needing to read any further in Genesis is found when this passage is revisited in the New Testament. Jesus is being challenged on the topic of divorce in Matthew 19. Here, he adds the key phrase, ...but from the beginning it has not been this way.ix I think here is a good spot to interject another idea into this discussion. Human history began with a wedding. Revelations 19 tell us that it will end with a wedding. All throughout the scriptures we find the use of wedding language where God describes himself as a zealous, pursuing lover and we are His unfaithful bride.x Do you think that the wedding, and the subsequent marriage, is something light? Can you now concede, if you didnt before, that the desire to wed must come from a deep yearning that was deliberately built into our beings and intended to be the first curriculum to reveal the nature of God to us.xi I would be remiss to depart from a section bearing such a title if I did not spend a minute to review a couple of other simple aspects of relationships. In over-simplified terms, I believe there to be three basic types of relationships: cons, contracts, and covenantsxii. These terms were not picked for their alliteration, but because they almost define themselves with any need for expounding. As you might have already guessed, though, I am going to expound on them anyways. A con is a relationship that exists for the benefit of one, but at the expense of the other. Simply, it where one person is using the other and when the usefulness expires, the relationship no longer has value and is discarded. A contract is a relationship that has mutual benefits for each party. The difficulty here is that when the benefits cease to be mutual, or perhaps stop all together, the parties stop investing and the relationship falls apart. In other words, if one person does not hold up their end the other person will drop his as well and the whole thing will crash. A covenant is completely different type of relationship. Here, one or both parties enter into the arrangement in order to give of themselves for the other.xiii This is how marriage is intended to be. The nature of a covenant is not like the nature of either of the other types of relationships. Firstly, it is voluntary. There is no force or coercion used to establish it. Each person comes into it with his or her eyes open and fully understands what it entails. There are no precepts of Whats in it for me? That attitude is the nature of a contract. Secondly, a covenant comes from the heart. It is genuine. It is not crafty or sly; it is open and exposed to the other. Thirdly, a covenant is rooted in something greater than those who are involved. Its context is not up to the erratic whims of the participants. Fourthly, a covenant is made from the stronger to the weaker. There are numerous examples of covenant in the Bible to show this. Most of the time, these examples are from an all-powerful God

extending Himself to a man or a people. In the context of marriage, this brings up an interesting question. Who is the weaker, and who is the stronger? The truth is that both the man and the woman are the stronger and the weaker to the other one. Remember each was designed to be the perfect complement to the other. In mathematics, the term complement is defined as the set of all the elements of a universal set not included in a given set.xiv Said differently, it is everything that we know to be there, but that we are not working with for this equation. Consider that related to the genders: she has qualities that he does not have; he has qualities that she does not, but they fit together to make a complete set. They are complements. Fifthly, a covenant exists completely independent of circumstances.xv This type of relationship is not dependent upon how one feels toward someone. It does not matter whether they are good cooks, or how much money they make. Sound familiar? Does not the traditional wedding vows contain for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health? It is a covenant, not a con or a contract. In addressing the stages that a boy takes on his quest for manhood, author John Eldredge addresses an important distinction between a con or contract and a covenant. He writes: This is typically the time when he [a boy on his journey to manhood] also becomes a lover, though it would be best for him and for her if he lived as a warrior for some time first. As I also described in Wild at Heart, too many young men do not get the Question answered as a young cowboy, and as an uncertain warrior they have no mission to their lives. They end up taking all that to the woman, hoping in her to find validation and a reason for living (a desperately fruitless search, as many men now understand). A lover comes to offer his strength to the woman, not to get it from her.xvi (Emphasis mine.) The wedding is a ceremony to establish a covenant relationship that is independent of circumstances, voluntarily entered by both parties from a heartfelt desire to give of their own strengths which complements the others weaknesses and with acknowledgement of its roots in something greater than either of the two at the altar.

The Purpose of Sex

In our contemporary sex-saturated society, it is tragic that so few Christians have a clear picture of the biblical perspective on sexuality. Some in our society have taken a gift from God sexuality and made it a god. They worship at the altar of sex. Time, energy, and effort are expended in trying to find sexual fulfillment. Such idolatry never brings satisfaction. It is the Christian who knows God the author of sex and who discovers the proper role of sexual fulfillment within a marriage who will find true sexual satisfaction.xvii I have already postulated the observation that the man was physically divided into two pieces and then spiritually and physically rejoined. This discussion on the separation and purposeful rejoining segues quite nicely into a discussion on sex and the purpose behind it. As I stated earlier, I am merely a lay person in all respects and do not claim to have the facts and figures with which to corroborate. I only have my own observations. So I submit this as a snapshot rather than a comprehensive conclusion. Before I begin, let me acknowledge that sex is not a bad thing, nor is it something to be ashamed of, but it is a subject that needs delicate handling. If we took a random poll, I believe we would discover that there are two commonly held views about the purpose of sex The first is that sex is for procreation. This is certainly true. Anyone who denies this would simply have to try it a few times in order to discover that procreation is the result. The second (more worldly) view is that its purpose is pleasure. This also is certainly true. So if there is

but one purpose, then we must be willing to accept the idea that this one purpose has two facets, or find another (greater) purpose which allows for both of these other truths to also be included. Before I postulate as to what this one purpose may be, let me first examine these two facets. One cannot say that sex is for procreation only and that there is no pleasure involved or that pleasure is an evil byproduct of the act itself. Not only would those of us who are experiencing pleasure from it disagree, but it would grossly fail to explain the sheer volume of hedonistic messages presented on television, radio, the cinema, the internet and written works as well. Nearly every media event and commercial product widely marketed to adults uses the scintillating nature of sex to sell products, draw in spectators or as a central theme behind many of the elements in a story. Take most sitcoms for example. So pleasure must certainly be a large portion or else there would undoubtedly be a much lesser focus on it. We do not see a big draw to wash the car or dig ditches (unless they are dramatized using sex of course). Where is the pleasure in these activities? My point is that we are naturally more inclined to do the things that provide some sort of enjoyment and the amazing preponderance of sexual stimuli about would indicate that, by and large, it is enjoyed. Certainly, then, since it is enjoyable it seems a reasonable assumption that it was designed to be so. A creation must have a creator. A design must have a designer. In order for the first man and woman to not be the last man and woman, sex must have existed in the beginning. It seems to me that the safe conclusion is that the same God who made the first man, who created the first woman, and who conducted the first marriage is the same God who created sex and made it pleasurable. Therefore, pleasure from the act cannot be an evil byproduct. The very nature of God (as we understand it) does not allow Him to create evil. The designer is good, so His designs must also be good. I would further postulate that sex was made to be pleasurable in order to encourage the activity in marriage and help us fulfill the mandate be fruitful and multiply.xviii I do not believe that there is much room for argument concerning the biological purpose, but C.S. Lewis writes, The biological purpose of sex is children, just as the biological purpose of eating is to repair the body. Now if we eat whenever we feel inclined and just as much as we want, it is quite true that most of us will eat too much: but not terrifically too much. One man may eat enough for two, but he does not eat enough for ten. The appetite goes a little beyond its biological purpose, but not enormously. But if a healthy young man indulged his sexual appetite whenever he felt inclined, and if each act produced a baby, then in ten years he might easily populate a small village. This appetite is in ludicrous and preposterous excess of its function. Or take it another way. You can get a large audience together for a strip-tease actthat is, to watch a girl undress on the stage. Now suppose you came to a country where you could fill a theatre by simply bringing a covered plate on to the stage and then slowly lifting the cover so as to let everyone see, just before the lights went out, that it contained a mutton chop or a bit of bacon, would you not think that in that country something had gone wrong with the appetite for food? And would not anyone who had grown up in a different world think there was something equally queer about the state of the sex instinct among us?xix We should be all of us on the same page and in agreement that sex is both pleasurable and the source of procreation. Which, of course, brings us full circle back to what was stated earlier: that we must be willing to accept that sex has one purpose with at least two facets, or press further on to discover a singular purpose which does not preclude either of these other two truths. Here it is: the purpose of sex is unityxx. he shall be joined and the two shall become one (Emphasis mine.) Sex is supposed to be the obvious physical portion of joining a man and woman

together. There is more, though. I have often thought that this portion of our existence is oversimplified by people who are trying to experience the pleasurable portion of this unity without the designed consequences. Let me say that again: there are designed consequences. These results have been expertly designed just as the act itself was designed. I believe that there are several aspects to unity that are consummated by the physical act. In addition to the physical aspect, look closely and you will find there are emotional and spiritual portions as well. The inventor of the human machine was telling us that the two halves, the male and the female, were made to be combined together in pairs, not simply on the sexual level, but totally combined The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union. The Christian attitude does not mean that there is anything wrong about sexual pleasure, any more than about the pleasure of eating. It means that you must not isolate that pleasure and try to get it by itself, any more than you ought to try to get the pleasures of taste without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again.xxi When a couple has true unity, that relationship has plenty of pleasure and ample procreation. Both of these aspects which are natural byproducts of the physical act will be naturally and effortlessly embodied. Procreation will likely be a reward (or at least a welcome consequence) of that unity as opposed to an unwanted complication. Pleasure, also, abounds when true unity is present. The author of sex meant it to be this way. True sexual satisfaction comes as a result of true unity not the other way around.

Love the Noun vs. Love the Verb

Once again I lean on the expressed views of C.S. Lewis as found in Mere Christianity. I do not do this because I think his perspective is necessarily the most brilliant, or because he reveals anything here which is profound or revolutionary. As I said at the beginning, my library is not within my reach, but this book is. On the topic of love, he writes: What we call being in love is a glorious state, and, in several ways, good for us. It helps to make us generous and courageous, it opens our eyes not only to the beauty of the beloved but to all beauty, and it subordinates (especially at first) our merely animal sexuality; in that sense, love is the great conqueror of lust. No one in his senses would deny that being in love is far better than either common sensuality or cold self-centredness. But, as I said before, the most dangerous thing you can do is to take any one impulse of our own nature and set it up as the only thing you ought to follow at all costs. Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called being in love usually does not last.xxii A simple examination of loves definition reveals greater than a single category. There are two according to my dictionary.xxiii One is a noun a thing that is tangible the other is a verb. It is an action. While it would be certainly foolish to think that the two are not related or cannot be related, it would be equal folly to assume that one is required to have the other. I will get into specifics about the

power of choices and their impacts on a relationship in a later section, but the crux of what I am trying to convey here is that the emotional state of being in love is not a requirement for the action of love. Certainly, the titillating nature of this elusive state of bliss found at the onset of one being in love is not a status that should be easily dismissed, but it should not be assumed that without this intense emotion of love, that a relationship is foredoomed to fail. Moreover, if the emotional state of being in love is the only basis for a marriage then that is a weak foundation indeed. Are you consistently angry? Happy? Hungry? Sad? Are these not all feelings? Would we not view someone who is always angry or perpetually sad as a person in need of professional help? How about the person who is always happy? We all probably know someone who always has a chipper outlook on the world. Those people annoy me. What do you think of them? If it is unnatural to maintain any emotional state endlessly, how is the feeling of being in love any different? But of course, ceasing to be in love need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense love as distinct from being in love is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both parents ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be in love with someone else. Being in love first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.xxiv Further, if the basis of a marriage is an emotion, then what purpose does the wedding ceremony serve? A marriage is a covenant relationship which I defined earlier as being independent of circumstances. Circumstances of life change much like our emotional states. They ebb and flow with alarming frequency. They are beneficial at times and detrimental at others. If the rules of a competitive event changed at whim, we all would cry foul. The fairness of the event would undoubtedly be called into question. A comprehensive reevaluation would ensue. Without a constant set of governing rules, the referee would be pointless. I would assert here that if the emotional state is being in love is the sole basis for that marriage, then the act of standing up in front of witnesses and proclaiming til death do us part is mere faade. The promise of fidelity is a sham in this case; it is a shameful farce. How can we promise to maintain the emotional bliss found at the onset of being in love? We cannot. In the New Testament, Jesus tells the parable of the wise and foolish builders.xxv Here He advises that the wise basis of things cannot be something infirm, but should be something solid and unmovable. The emotion of being in love simply does not qualify. the promise, made when I am in love and because I am in love, to be true to the beloved as long as I live, commits one to being true even I cease to be in love. A promise must be about the things that I can do, about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling in a certain way.xxvi (Emphasis mine.) The state of being in love is a feeling, but the action of love is a choice. The choice to love is sustainable and maintainable unlike its whimsical companion. love is not basically a feling but an attitude expressed in appropriate behavior. It is the attitude that chooses to build up another, to put their interest above your own interest. Love is something you choose to do.xxvii

Important Choices
We are the sum of our choices. Our health is the result of our choices with regards to nutrition and exercise. Our financial state is the consequence of career selection, work ethic application, and money management. If you are a musician, an athlete, a dentist, a lawyer, a speaker, a mechanic, a chef

or any number of other examples, then your talents are brought out by practice. The choice to practice or not to practice coupled with the decision about what to practice will directly affect your skill level over time. A marriage is no different; it is the product of choices. A marriage is the result of two choices the choice to wed, and the choice to maintain your vows. The first selection is really the choice to enter into a covenant relationship as previously defined. What amazes me is the complexity of such a simple choice. When we choose to marry, most of us vow to be faithful by using some variation of the words forsaking all others. To me this is a single choice with about 3 billion other little choices within. I have often wondered what my reaction would be if I were actually given the opportunity to be unfaithful to my wife. After all, I too used some variation of those same words when I was on the altar with my beloved. I recall one day being struck with the idea that the decision was already made. The undeniable epiphany that hit me like a freight train on that wonderful day was so simple. Yet, like so many of the other facets of this discussion, it had a complexity which astounds me: in choosing my wife, I had also made a decision about every other woman on the earth. I chose the one. Therefore, I chose against the many others. Instantly in that moment my focus was dynamically shifted from my own possible actions if unfaithful circumstances arose, to maintaining a decision already made a decision that was declared before nearly 500 people on the 17th of August, 2002. Fidelity is not a new decision. It is the preservation of a decision already made. It is the safeguarding of my covenant. How much better is the knowledge that there is nothing left to consider? Another sub-choice contained within the previous two is the decision to become one. Picture a Venn diagram. In the early stages of a relationship, two people basically evaluate the size of the other circle and attempt to ascertain whether it is appropriately proportionate to their own circle. We have named this process dating or courtship. Once the decision has been made to wed, ideally, the circles begin to overlap. We, having chosen a partner, begin to overlap our dreams, our finances, and ultimately our futures. The goal is to become one, but on the day of the wedding we discover that this task is far more difficult than we previously imagined. This is because we are not trying to meld merely two circles. We are trying to meld six circles. There are really six people standing at the altar. These are the six: The person that you think you are The person that your partner thinks you are The person that your partner thinks they are The person that you think they are The real you The real partner

How long do you think it would take to learn the skills needed to bring all this together into the unity that it was designed for? It seems a daunting task far more daunting then the idea that a marriage brings only two together. The real struggle for marriage is for the real you to discover your real partner.xxviii When I was engaged to my beloved, my fianc and I chose a church and went to the pastor of that church to request its use for our nuptials. This pastor, who had been in that calling for many years, told us that we had to have no less than three pre-marital counseling sessions before he would agree to let us use the church. I remember being angry, almost incensed, that he was insinuating that I did not know how to be married that I did not know how to be a husband. Who was he to assume that I did not possess the requisite skills? I grew up with good examples in front of me and thought I knew the meaning of love and fidelity. Begrudgingly, we agreed to his terms. I remember very little of the sessions themselves (probably because I was blinded by arrogance), but if you fast forward to about three years after my wedding (and after dragging my feet that entire time) I finally picked up a book that had been a wedding present. This gift from a former high school soccer coach of mine had an inscription

on the inset. I will paraphrase, This book has been more beneficial to our marriage than any other. Enjoy. Coach That book has come to be a standard gift for me. I recommend it to all my friends who are getting serious about another person, to friends who are going through a rough spot with their spouse, and to anyone who wants a better marriage. The book was purple with pink rose pedals and pink lettering on the cover. This is not the kind of book that a man carries around with him lest someone might see it, but its contents have proven to be invaluable. My biggest regret is that I let this volume, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, sit on the shelf and collect dust for three years. Maybe, if I had started my quest for a great marriage three, five, or even seven years earlier this essay would be better and more inclusive since it would result from an even more amazing union. Once I finally put aside my pride and read that girly-covered paperback, my eyes were opened and I saw the wisdom that pastor was trying to convey to me. I realized that I still had a great deal to learn on the subject of marriage. Today, I tell everyone that I know to attend, and take seriously, premarital counseling. I have come full circle. I have come to realize the gross negligence in marriage preparation compared to other endeavors. Consider how many books you read to secure a diploma from high school? How many classes did you attend? What about college? How many books did you read or study, how many lectures did you attend, how much money did you pay for that education? What about your vocation? I spent nearly two years in flight school before being winged as a Marine Corps pilot and more than four years since refining my craft. All this education and investment in the future, and yet it was about three years after I was married that I started to expand my understanding of marriage. I am not the unusual one in this respect. I would venture to guess that most everyone goes into marriage with a great feeling of being in love, assuming that this feeling will be enough to bridge any gaps, but not having done any preparation for an endeavor that is supposed to be the longest, greatest, most enduring of your life. It is a vocation that, when done correctly, can be the greatest supply of joy any of us will ever know, but also one that when done poorly can be the source of the most intense turmoil two people can traverse. What a fool I was to invest more into any part of my life than those portions which have lasting impacts. I choose to change this in a positive way. Certainly, you have heard the adage Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. How many coaches have you ever heard of who encourage their players to show up for the game only and skip practice? What would you think of a president who refused to learn about the job until three years after the inauguration? Marriage is no different. It requires preparation. If a successful marriage is what you want to achieve, then choose to strengthen your skills. We are the sum of our choices. So, too, is a marriage.

Passion from Pursuit

In a previous section, I wrote about the difference between loving and being in love. While I spoke plainly that the passions of the emotional love are not a requirement for the act of love to be accomplished, I do not want there to be any reader who comes away from this discussion believing that I do not desire those passions or that I have given up on the possibility of a sustained relationship which can embody the euphoric passions of love. I have often complained to my wife about the waning nature of passion. I long for it, and I hate the idea that the honeymoon is the most passionate that two people will ever be. Priorities change with time, children, finances and other phases of life, but I refuse to accept the idea that passion simply fades

into oblivion and that I must be content with this fate. This has been something that I have struggled with for years. One of the detriments of my current occupation is also an expensive benefit. I am required to spend large volumes of time away from home and away from my beloved. This actually helps to rekindle the fading passions of our youth. For a few short days or weeks after my return, everything is new, the butterflies return to our stomachs and we get to experience the rush of another first kiss. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Our forced separations and scheduled reunions have served as a refreshing reminder of all the wonderfulness that was present at the beginning for us, but it has also revealed the real cause of this reduction in infatuation. We call it by many names: monotony, routine, taking someone for granted, or it may go by a more basic title such as life. It is true that the passions of being in love are not selfsustaining, and we cannot promise that they will be continuously everlasting without change in intensity. Nor can we use them as the basis for a lasting marriage. In a recent letter to my wife, I laid out some of these same thoughts. Not long before I left home, I was talking to a friend about my (then upcoming) current deployment. As I talked to Amber, I recall telling her that I would be absent on my tenth anniversary because of the deployment. She and I talked briefly about my children and about marriage in general. Then, referring to my decade of marriage, she caught me off guard with a question, What is the secret? I do not remember giving her an adequate answer. I muddled through something that sounded significant, but I left her office wondering if I knew the secret myself. Declaring that there is a secret is a tricky proposition. Certainly, there must be something more to a marriage which would enable it to rebound from the daily grind, arriving at the passionate love I once had. I remember a time when I could not stop smiling at her. I remember having sore cheeks from smiling where the very sight of her gave me shivers and my every thought was consumed with images of her. So what is this secret? I believe that I have the answer. I believe that I have the secret to the passionate, successful, powerful, everlasting marriage: pursuit. Never stop pursuing. Before we were married, each of us was pursuing the affections of the other. We were giving chase to a person whose desires we wanted passionately. There was a continuous desire to improve. There was a deep craving to not merely be found acceptable, but to impress. For some that may mean a change in wardrobe, or more trips to the gym. It may have meant flowers, poetry, a serenade or some other unexpected gift. No matter the object or the outward expression, your passion came from your pursuit. This concept of the never-ending quest for the affections of your lover is consistent with the language of the Bible. The marriage relationship is so significant that God chose it as a picture of his relationship with his people. In the Old Testament, we are told that God saw himself as the husband of Israel (Isa. 54:5). In the New Testament, Christ is seen as the husband of the church (2 Cor. 11:2).xxix It would almost seem that God created the marriage, and the necessary and natural pursuit that leads up to it, as a tangible precursor to seeking God. This is, however, exactly backwards. It is from [King] David we learn that the lover stage is not first about women at all it is about the life of the heart, the life of beauty and passion and a deep romance with God, all of which can be seen in his poetry.xxx One should be learning the needed skills of pursuit while continuously seeking God, then the unremitting pursuit of your lover will always have context. Gods steadfast love motivates us to enter into covenant with Him. We know in our hearts that God is committed to our best interest. Therefore, with confidence we can commit our lives to loving and serving Him. In covenant marriage, it is much the same. We enter our marriage with a sense that we are loved and that we love each other; thus, we can freely

commit ourselves to each other for life. We care then responsible for maintaining this attitude of love throughout the marriage. Obviously, this is not love as a romantic feeling. This love is something far deeper. Steadfast love does have an emotional element, but it is primarily a way of thinking and behaving toward ones spouse. Steadfast love is choosing to have positive regard for your spouse, choosing to focus on his/her positive characteristics, and expressing appreciation to him or her for those characteristics. It is doing things for him or her that will express this positive attitude. Steadfast love refuses to focus on negative aspects of ones spouse. All of us discover certain things about our spouse that we perceive as negative. We dont deny them. On the contrary, we discuss them, especially if there is the potential for change. Yet steadfast love refuses to dwell on these negative aspects. The violation of this principle has destroyed many marriages. Few people can survive the constant harassment and condemnation of a spouse. Such condemnation does not encourage one to change, but rather to give up. When we focus on the positive aspects of the spouse and give verbal affirmation, he or she is far more likely to continue to grow.xxxi Passion, therefore, comes from pursuit, but the perspective of this pursuit will be skewed if a person is the foremost object. Chase God first, then your spouse.

Conclusion
Lets now come back to our two friends who acquired their bicycles on New Years Day. As you recall, the two men had purchased identical bikes. They had both left the store with enthusiasm and determination. They both had intentions to make good on their promises and do the things that they said to get into shape. At the end of their contest, one man was fit and the other was not. I posed to you this question before we started this discussion: What was wrong with the bike? Compare this situation to marriage. Take two couples. On their wedding day each one stood in front of witnesses and pledged to be true to their spouse. Each couple left their respective churches on an emotional high, utterly enthralled by a euphoria seldom experienced anywhere else. The two couples, full of excitement and possibility, exchange vows fully intending every word. As they start their lives together, the young couples find that time elapses in a typical fashion. The daily grind of work, family, sporting events, dance recitals and the like are a factor for both pairs. The excitement that possessed each duo on the day of initiation has faded, though the promise made that day has not lost its efficacy. Each started their marriage with a desire to do well to succeed. They had an emotional compulsion to make good on their pledge. They both certainly started with energy, motivation and excitement, but as time wears on, one marriage was succeeding, and the other was failing. What was wrong with the wedding? Clearly, it is not the bikes fault that one man got into shape and the other did not. Likewise, it is not the mistake of the wedding that a marriage fails. The bike had all the right elements working spokes, a good chain, handle bars to steer, functioning brakes, and gear shifters all in perfect working order. In the same way, a couple who marries understanding the foundations of marriage, the purpose of sex, the difference between love as a feeling and love as an action, knowing that their choices will dictate their outcome, even if a couple recognizes that the pursuit of their lover is not over on the wedding day that it is just shifting gears still may fail if they each lack one more key ingredient: commitment.

In our example with the bikes, one man used the bike true to his promise the other man did not. The first man rode diligently rain or shine, whether he was in the mood to cycle or not, despite health concerns or financial restraints. He climbed the hills; he tallied the miles; he labored to maintain his vehicle. He failed; he faltered, but endured and continued. He strived towards his goal, and though he often fell short, the mark was ultimately attained through perseverance and the natural lessons learned on lifes journey. Commitment is the real reason that he succeeded while the other man stagnated. I mentioned that a marriage is really two choices. I firmly believe this is true. The first choice is to make a commitment. The second and more important choice is to honor and protect that commitment. The proper continuous maintenance of the marriage covenant is the truest enduring task any one of us will face. This is the element that allows us to love when we do not feel in love. This is the component that permits each of us to choose our spouse over any other. This is the building block that facilitates the melding of the six not just melding of the two. Commitment is truest factor which drives us to continue an ardent pursuit of our spouse even though by many accounts, we have already attained him or her. This commitment is founded in covenant, steadfast love. This commitment is voluntary, heartfelt, fixed firmly into something greater than ourselves, made mutually from the stronger to the weaker, and maintained deliberately independent of circumstances. Inside of this committed relationship, with these firm foundations, we can achieve the pure, unadulterated, absolute union and sexual fulfillment that was intended for a husband and wife to achieve. By daily choosing the one, and therefore choosing against the many others, we practice love as an action not just an emotion a choice that we can sustain over time amidst the ebb and flow of rolling sentiment. This commitment, when properly maintained, sustained and cultivated is remanded to an optionless course of ardent pursuit, and the fruits of that pursuit will benefit peers, elders, and generations forthcoming. It is this commitment that truly measures a marriages potential for success or failure. It is this commitment that I safeguard for all things great flow from it, but all great things will be eroded as it wanes. As I said in the beginning, I do not claim to be an expert or an authority. I do not claim to have any more experiences beyond my own to draw from. This essay has been as much a reminder to me about what is important as it has been anything else. I truly hope that each person who has labored through this essay has been able to take away from it something positive and usable. I will count this a success and time well spent even if only a single small thing was gained. God Bless.

A Renewal
My dearest love, til death do us part is a promise that I have already made. So today, instead of renewing my vows to you, I chose to add to those promises an additional measure of love and covenant. I choose to reaffirm today a covenant that is independent of circumstances, voluntarily entered from a heartfelt desire to give to you of my own strengths to better complement your weaknesses and in complete acknowledgement of that this covenant has its roots in something greater than either of us. I pledge to strive for unity as your help-meet. As we embrace the future with united goals and dreams, I choose to love you daily with no regard for how I may be feeling at any given moment. Whether my immediate emotions are positive or negative, my love for you will be constant. I promise to ardently and fervently pursue you. What excuse do I have for anything less? Unconditional love has no boundaries. Thus, there is no way I could ever come to its end, go beyond its coverage, or attain it all. I can try, therefore, for an entire lifetime and still leave its vastness unexplored. When faced with this, how could I ever be satisfied knowing that there is still more waiting for me? I choose to freshly give chase to your love. Until death parts us, I will hunt for the edges of this passionate expanse, and I will never be satisfied or satiated. My dearest Krista, I will fight to be acceptable to you with the same passion as when we first met. I choose, today, to reengage the pursuit of my greatest treasure you. I love you more today than I did yesterday, and I will love you more tomorrow than I do today. Yours, now and always,

William

Genesis 2:24, NASB Genesis 2:18, NASB iii Gary Chapman, Now Youre Speaking My Language (Nashville, Tennessee: B&H Publishing Group, 2007), Kindle eBook loc. 1113-1115. iv Genesis 2:24, NASB v Genesis 1:28, NASB vi Van Valin, "Relationships in the Image of God. vii Chapman, Now Youre Speaking My Language, Kindle eBook loc. 97-103. viii Genesis 2:23, NASB ix Matthew 19:8, NASB x Pastor Mark Van Valin, "Relationships in the Image of God," Spring Arbor Free Methodist Church (Spring Arbor, MI), November, 2003. xi Van Valin, "Relationships in the Image of God. xii Van Valin, "Relationships in the Image of God. xiii Van Valin, "Relationships in the Image of God. xiv Complement. Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com, Inc. Retrieved August 1, 2012, from http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/comlement?s=t xv Van Valin, "Relationships in the Image of God. xvi John Eldredge, Fathered By God (Nashville, Tennessee: Thomas Nelson Inc., 2009), 15-16 xvii Chapman, Now Youre Speaking My Language, Kindle eBook loc. 145-148. xviii Gen. 1:28, NASB xix C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity xx Van Valin, "Relationships in the Image of God. xxi C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity xxii C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity xxiii Love. Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com, Inc. Retrieved August 2, 2012, from http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/love?s=t xxiv C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity xxv Matthew 7:2427, NASB xxvi C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity xxvii Chapman, Now Youre Speaking My Language, Kindle eBook loc. 151-153. xxviii Van Valin, "Relationships in the Image of God. xxix Chapman, Now Youre Speaking My Language, Kindle eBook loc. 78-80. xxx Eldredge, Fathered By God, 19-20 xxxi Chapman, Now Youre Speaking My Language, Kindle eBook loc. 825-838.
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