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life. and how to have one.

November 10, 2011




NOVEMBER 10, 2011 | volume 9, issue 12


PassinG nOtes


Kansas in heat

PersOnal essay




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I was 10-years-old when my parents told me they were getting a divorce. I cant remember much about that night, other than I had been at ballet class earlier and that I was excited to see my friend Adrienne at school the next day. I was in fifth grade. I dont want to say I became a sort of celebrity in my elementary school class because I dont want to make divorce sound glamorous. But I did notice that there was a slight buzz around me; some of my friends parents had split up when they were younger, but I was the first of any of my classmates to experience a divorce and somewhat understand it. Playground celebrity status aside, I look back on those first few months after my parents made their big announcement and remember how conflicted I felt. I remember feeling like I was being pulled in a thousand different directions. I may have been 10, but I wasnt stupid. I

wasnt fooled by my counselors youll get two Christmases now spiel and deep down I knew that the divorce wasnt my or my brothers fault. But I was vulnerable. Think about your lateelementary and junior high years when youre just starting to figure out that the opposite sex probably isnt totally disgusting. Going through this phase alongside my parents divorce really affected me more than I like to admit. I noticed that as I got older and started dating, I became someone fearful of a long-term commitment, so afraid of divorce that I vowed never to get married and never to have kids. now that Im even older and have had some retrospect on the situation, Im no longer completely fearful. But its interesting how my story varies between those who have experienced at different ages, especially college students who are often ignored throughout the process because theyre of legal age. For more on adult children of divorce, read Christys story on page 8. In the end, after years of turmoil, I know my parents are now happy. And that makes me a little happier in return.



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> Tackling the sticky world of relationships.

Dear Michelle, I am a straight male, but for some reason I am attracted to large penises. When I am intoxicated, I masturbate to large penises. I was once very intoxicated and tried to hook up with a guy, but did not fulfill the experiment. Am I bisexual? Answer: Let me start by advising you to stop drinking. You show signs of addictive behavior. Addiction to alcohol or sex can increase the possibility of danger to yourself or others. Refrain from alcohol use and gauge your desire. Do you find yourself displaying the same attraction when sober? You will soon discover if your desire is the result of true bisexual feelings or the result of intoxication. Dear Michelle, My long-term guy friend has a girlfriend who lives out of state. For the last six months, I have been performing oral sex on him and getting nothing in return. I want to ask him to have sex with me, but I don't know how he will react. Answer Stop giving your "friend" fellatio. You should encourage him to break things off with his girlfriend for her benefit, not yours. This guy is a scumbag. Move on and focus your energies on a real man who will meet your needs. Dear Michelle, I have had sex with two different men in the last month and I couldn't help but notice that both of them had big, curved penises. Is this normal? Answer: About one in every 100 men are affected by Peyronies disease, a curvature in the penis due to internal scar tissue. Other causes could be related to circumcision or trauma. Many curved men are able to have healthy, satisfying sex lives. But men should seek treatment if pain or other unusual symptoms occur. Dear Michelle, This is probably the dumbest question you have seen, but do I suck on it or actually blow on it? Also, I have a very small mouth. What happens if I cant fit it in my mouth? Answer: No topic is taboo and no question is dumb. You can blow on the penis for an added sensation, but blow job means to suck. For a small mouth, use your hand for continued contact with the shaft of the penis. Place the tip in your mouth and your hand on his shaft. Stoke and suck in rhythm. Dont forget to use plenty of saliva or lubricant. Dear Michelle My boyfriend loves to sniff my used underwear. Is this a common thing? Answer I cannot provide you with statistics on how often this fetish occurs. However, as long as the behavior remains adult and consensual, there is nothing wrong with your boyfriends fetish.

Contributed Photo Michelle MacBain is a psychology graduate student from Kansas City. She studied sexuality and communiction studies at KU and The University of Amsterdam.


> Two people. Five questions. See how they stack up.


> Singer/songwriter from KCMO
I would change the way in which women and girls are treated and how being a woman is seen as less than in so many ways. If I had the power to wave a wand and change that, thats the first thing that I would do. I can tell you one thing: it wouldnt be any of the Housewives shows. It would probably be Fringe. Im a very peaceful person except when it comes to my television show. People are fighting to keep the diabolical side from taking over the good side. Its great. A credible contract with a major record label. The second thing Well I have a great body image, but there are just these little love handles, and I would want them to go away. I wish that my son would have the job of his dreams working outside of the country and that hed buy me a house wherever he is, maybe in Switzerland or South Africa. In childhood, I was around a lot of people from different countries. My father was a professor, and we followed him wherever he would go. I had friends from Guiana and Nigeria and different parts of Asia. I loved the diversity of my friends and learning about different cultures. It would have to be a clothing store. Id go to H & M. I love that store. I think theres one thats going to be at the Plaza and the Legends. When I saw that, I was like, Oh this is great.

If you could change one thing in the world what would it be? What TV show would you love to star on? A genie grants you three wishes. What do you wish for? Whats the one thing you miss the most from childhood? If you could max out your credit card at any store, what store would you choose?
> Sophomore from Tulsa majoring psychology and journalism
I want the icecaps to stop melting. I cant handle dying polar bears. Saturday Night Live. My roommate and I ARE the Taylor Swift roommate sketch.

I would love to go to Starbucks with Desean Jackson. I feel like Id enjoy it ALMOST as much as he would. I wish Chipotle would deliver. My third wish would be to experience a national championship in basketball before I graduate. Nothing. Im still the same size as I was when I was 13.

Victorias Secret their KU line is my favorite.

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Since then, theyve even out-lasted a seven-month break when Alex studied abroad. Despite being overseas, Alex would still send Jenny flowers and seashells from the beach. On Oct. 23, Jenny and Alex celebrated their two-year anniversary. Turns out that this Preppy Pi really did find her perfect Polo Guy. | CHRISTINE CURTIN |

> All great relationships had to start somewhere.

Popped collars, tennis skirts and Sperry Top-Siders dominated the room at an Alpha Delta Pi and Sigma Nu Bid Day party, Preppy Pis and Polo Guys, in August 2009. Among the pastel-wearing prepsters, Jenny Aleshire, a junior from Topeka and Alex Small, a senior from Olathe, hit it off. Alex and Jenny met briefly earlier in the night, but found themselves separated when they reached Salty Iguana, the official party location. When Jenny finally caught sight of Alex at the restaurant, she decided to make the first move. I thought he was cute when we met earlier, so I went up to him and asked him to dance, Jenny says. Their friendship really took off after dancing. I had an amazing time with her that night and was just looking forward to the next time I could see her, Alex says. Two and a half months later, after getting to know each other and attending date parties together, Jenny and Alex made their relationship official.

Contributed photo Frattin for Love: Jenny Aleshire and Alex Small met at a Preppy Pis and Polo Guys Bid Day Party in August 2009.


> A weekly peek at a fish in the KU sea.


CELEBRITY CRUSH: I have two: Zooey Deschanel because shes super cute and I feel like shed be fun to hang out with, and Marion Cotillard because shes a classic beauty. Id do terrible, terrible things to be with her. FIRST THING HE THINKS OF IN THE MORNING: Can I go back to sleep? Or, I need coffee. I am not a morning person, so I try not to think in the morning. Contributed photo Year: Senior Hometown: Lawrence Major: Theatre/Voice Performance and Music Education Interested In: Women SONG THAT BEST DESCRIBES HIS LIFE: I love Aint No Mountain High Enough by Marvin Gaye. Its about a serious subject, but it always makes you feel good. It shows regardless of whats going on in your life, you should always go all the way with it.

TURN-ONS: A good sense of humor and a nice smile. They have to love to eat, because I love FAVORITE CHILDHOOD TV SHOW: The Weekfood a lotespecially Mexican food and spicy enders or Recess. The Weekenders were the best because they just hung out with their things, so they should like hot sauce. friends. And with Recess, who wouldnt want TURN-OFFS: Super fake-tanned skin freaks to be king of the playground? me out, especially if they go the whole Jersey Shore route with dark hair. I just cant do that. Arrogance and a negative attitude also drive me nuts. | CHRISTINE CURTIN |

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> If youre going to do it, be smart.


GooD for yoU, bAD for yoU// OLIVE OIL

> Sometimes its hard to tell.
Twice a week, Rebekka Schlichting uses her Pompeian Extra Virgin Olive Oil when she fries fish or potatoes, or boils noodles for dinner. Schlichting, a sophomore from Hiawatha, frequently cooks with olive oil because she likes the distinct taste it has and says its healthier than vegetable oil. But she also enjoys olive oil when its not part of a recipe. I just buy a baguette like Rosemary bread, toast it with Havarti cheese, and then dip it in salted (olive) oil, she says. Schlichting has a healthy habit of using olive oil. Extra virgin olive oil is the healthiest to eat and cook with, says Joe Vinson, professor of chemistry at the University of Scranton in Scranton, Penn. Olive oil is good for reducing the risks of Alzheimers and Parkinsons disease, Type 2 diabetes, and strokes, Vinson says, who studies the antioxidants of olive oil. Olive oil has a unique set of antioxidants that cannot be found in any other oil source. They contain monounsaturated fats, or healthy fats, that help with lowering cholesterol for a healthy heart. The fats are crucial in helping your body absorb antioxidants because they are fat soluble, which means your body needs some fat to dissolve them. The olives, which are tree fruits, are healthiest when squeezed the first time, which makes it extra virgin olive oil. Each squeeze thereafter dilutes the antioxidants and fats. Cooking also destroys some of the healthy components of the oil, but adding it to food keeps them all intact. And the more olive oil consumed, the better. God made olive oil damn near perfect, Vinson says. Verdict: Good for you, especially if extra virgin olive oil. | KYLIE NUTT |

Patrick Long, a senior from Overbrook, says turkey sandwiches are a staple in his diet. He says lunch meat is one of the only things that can always be found in his fridge. We pick up some kind of lunch meat every time we go to the store, Long says. The convenience of cold cuts make them a brown bag favorite, but is there a darker side to lunch meat that college students dont think about? Ready-to-eat meat can host the bacteria Listeria monocytogenes, more commonly known as Listeria, according to the World Health Organizations website. The bacteria cause the infection Listeriosis, causing symptoms similar to the flu: fever, muscle aches, nausea and diarrhea. In serious situations, loss of balance, confusion and even convulsions could occur. But for most people the infection is mild. Barbara Hermreck, a dietitian in Lawrence, says any meat product with a large surface area has more of a risk of being contaminated with bacteria. Unfortunately, lunch meat tends to be a food that is often mishandled, Hermreck says. But even handling lunch meat with care and making sure it is always kept at cool

Photo by Christy Nutt Cold Cut Contamination: Bacteria might be hiding in your sandwich. temperatures does not mean its bacteria free because Listeria still survives in refrigerator temperatures. Another reason cold cuts hold a risk of causing infection is that they are not heated at a high temperatures to kill bacteria before being eaten like most other meats, says Hermreck. To ensure your lunch meat is Listeriafree, thoroughly heat it in the microwave before eating. | CHRISTY NUTT |

Contributed photo Opting for Oil: Cooking with olive oil is a good option and using extra virgin is even better.

> If youre going to do it, be smart.



Photo by Bre Roach Stinky Sheets: Ignoring dirty bedding for too long could result in skin rashes or acne. Theres nothing more disgusting than going into a persons room and seeing drool dried on their pillow. Peel back their sheets, and theres probably even more gag-provoking damage. College students are notorious for prolonging trips to the laundry mat, but you can only spend so many hours between your sheets before the bed buildup begs for a wash. Febreeze may work for your clothing, but you cant cover up potential pimples from dirty sheets with Febreeze. Vivi Torres, writer and owner of out of Singapore, suggests washing your sheets at least every two weeks. When we sleep, most of the dead skin we

shed gets trapped in our bed fabrics as we rub against them. All these accumulated dead skin cells on dirty sheets are like tasty protein bars for acne-causing bacteria, Torres says. Unwashed sheets with traces of mildew and mold can also cause mild to severe eczema, fungal acne and rashes. Its a duty to wash your sheets, but there are options. If youre like Courtney Holle, a senior from Marysville, then you wouldnt necessarily have to wash them routinely every two weeks. I have four different sets of sheets that match my bedding, so if I dont have to wash them that day, I can take off the old sheets and throw on some fresh ones, Holle says. Ignoring your dead skin-ridden sheets is nothing short of disgusting. Do yourself a favor and grab an extra set of sheets while theyre on sale or study while youre waiting on them to dry at the laundry mat. Your skin will thank you. | BRE ROACH |

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> Absence makes the heart grow...?
Suzanne Farrell, renowned dancer and muse of legendary choreographer George Balanchine, works to preserve Balanchines legacy through every performance the Suzanne Farrell Dance Company presents. The company, based in Washington D.C.s Kennedy Center, will perform at the Lied Center this Saturday, Nov. 12 at 7:30 p.m. Farrell works with the Balanchine Preservation Initiative to preserve and perform the works of Balanchine, including some that havent been seen in many years. This performance will include Meditation, one of the first ballets choreographed by Balanchine for Farrell. The Diamonds pas de deux is one of the most beautiful Balanchine ever made; classical in style, epic in scope, Farrell says. The combination of Balanchines choreography and Tchaikovskys music is as exciting and glamorous and audiences should come see it for themselves. The University Dance Company hopes that seeing such a prestigious company perform will inspire dancers and non-dancers alike. I hope the audience experiences a feeling that theyve never had before and that the non-dancers in the audience can understand what the ballet is trying to communicate and come away with a greater appreciation of the art form,says Libby Ingram, a senior from Tulsa and president of the University Dance Company. There will also be a pre-performance discussion on Balanchines legacy at 6:30 as well as a post-performance meet and greet with the artists. Tickets are $25-28 for adults and $10 for students and youth. | KATIE JAMES | Its nearly impossible to go an entire day without using sidewalks. They were created to provide a durable surface to walk on, and for one week, I tried to go without to see how much of a difference concrete makes in daily life. I soon realized this was going to be harder than I thought. Almost everything on campus is surrounded by concrete. My route to class turned into a strategic game of leapfrog beginning at the landscaping on the edges of Jayhawk Boulevard and ending with the patches of grass between the sidewalks that lead to Stauffer-Flint. Ive noticed theres an unwritten rule around campus that if theres a sidewalk around, you use it. I got funny looks because I was off the beaten path, walking in the grass while no one else was. Walking to my car one day near Budig, a car came barreling up the hill and almost hit me because I was in the road. Thankfully, I was close to the curb and moved out of the way. Concrete is used for sidewalks because it is the most affordable, durable surface, but hard surfaces are hard on your feet. Concrete has no give to absorb the shock, so it puts almost twice your body weight on your foot with each step and can cause pain, says Lawrence Gaston, a podiatrist from Gaston Podiatry in Lawrence. Gaston recommends wearing the proper shoe for the environment, such as tennis shoes or something with support instead of flip-flops to walk on concrete. Though it was a challenge I enjoyed my time sans sidewalks. For convenience sake Ill go back to using them, but Ill put more thought into the types of shoes I wear from now on. | KATIE JAMES |

Contributed photo Dancing Queen: Famed dancer Suzanne Farrells ballet company will perform this Saturday at the Lied Center.

Photo by Katie James Where the Sidewalk Ends: Walking off the beaten path requires more thought on your daily footwear.


> Absence makes the heart grow...?
Going commando while on a long drive was possibly the worst driving experience Ive had in years. The entire time, I couldnt stop thinking of what my butt was going to look like after the inner linings of my windbreaker pants imprinted a fishnet pattern on it. It hurt, a lot. Normally, the idea of going without underwear says freedom to my mind. A way to let the goods breathe, if you will. I was accurate in my thought of letting the goods breathe, but the freedom thing, well, thats one freedom I dont mind having revoked. In class, I had to sit in awkward position just to keep the inner linings of my pants from digging into me. I had to lean so far one way or the other that I was practically falling out of the desk. Prior to this, I didnt really think much about my undies. I just put them on every day and enjoyed the comfort they gave as a barrier to the inner linings that I now dread. But Mercedes Furgus, a freshman from Wichita, believes that going commando is great. If she runs out of underwear, she does without it until it is laundry time. For her, going commando is comfortable, but she says when guys do it, its just creepy. However, it appears not all women think this

Photo by Chris Neal Commando and Chafe: Going without underwear was an uncomfortable experience for Neal.

way. Alexis Nizzi, a sophomore from Overland Park, finds it very uncomfortable and risky. If youre wearing a dress or a skirt, you definitely run the risk of flashing your goodies to the world, Nizzi says. I can see how it would be easy for a woman to do it and also why it could be risky for them, but for guys, it doesnt seem worth it. It may make the front side free, but the backside takes a toll. | CHRIS NEAL |

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Photo illustration by Morgan LaForge Delayed Divorce: When parents split while their kids are in college, it presents unique challenges for the adult children. Watson says that because of her age her parents treated her like an adult when they told her the news. There wasnt any sugarcoating what was going on, she says. There definitely was no, mommy and daddy will still be here and love you, like you might expect with a child. Watson found the matter-of-fact approach her parents took challenging because it didnt allow her to be the child, but also rewarding because it gave her the opportunity to interact as an adult with both of her parents. The interesting thing about me being older when this happened is that Ive formed my own opinion and have seen both sides for myself, Watson says. Because Watson is more aware of what is going on than a child, she feels shell learn more from her parents divorcing than people who grew up in a broken home. Dealing with a parents divorce as an adult can provide the adult child with an opportunity to mature and set boundaries with parents. But it can also cause a sense of uncertainty about family values and affect the adult childs future relationships. The median age for people to divorce is around 40, but that age varies a lot, says Catherine Hess, a divorce lawyer in Lawrence. Ive done divorce for people who have been married for less than a month and for people who got married in the 1940s, Hess says. Both are easy because there are no kids involved. Hess, a mother of five, says the hardest divorces are ones that involves children. It really kills me when the struggle comes between the kids. And there always is a struggle, she says. Kids who are 18 when their parents divorce arent involved in the legal process, but definitely are involved personally, Hess says. Adult children are the invisible children of divorce because they are left out of the legal process, says Jeffery Zimmerman, author of Adult Children of Divorce. Zimmerman says there is a misconception that the divorce doesnt matter to adult children and that parents dont need to address it with them. A divorce is a family event. It is not a happy one, but its an experience that the entire family must go through, he says. The adult children need to have a voice in that experience. A family doesnt end when parents decide to divorce, but the structure dramatically changes, Zimmerman says. The uncertainty of what the new family arrangements will be like can create a sense of disequilibrium for adult children and cause role confusion in the family. However, an adult child has the ability to influ-

hen Megan Watsons parents told her and her 17-yearold brother they were getting a divorce, Watson, a junior from Overland Park, wasnt surprised. I read into the situation enough and saw the divorce coming, Watson says. As a 20-year-old student, Watson is now experiencing her parents divorce, which is in the process of being finalized. With nearly half of every marriage ending in divorce, it is only a matter of statistics that many college students come from a broken family. But when parents delay their divorce until their children leave the house, college students experience this family change as adults. This delayed timing comes with its own set of unique challenges.

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ence family decisions more than a kid. Watson is still figuring out the new family arrangements. Watson says shes not exactly sure what the holidays will be like this year, but that she will be making her own decisions as to how she spends her time. Im 20. Im above the age of 18, and I can make my own decisions. There is pressure to spend time with my dads family, but it really isnt even a question for me. The family I want to be with is my moms, Watson says. Watson says she is extremely close to her mom and wants to be as supportive as she can for her. It has made me be more of a friend than a daughter to my mom, she says. But I dont mind that. Watson rarely speaks to her dad anymore. She says her relationship with him has always been somewhat distant, but that the divorce has only made their relationship worse. Watson says her closeness to her mom and distance from her dad is just the way the divorce naturally played out. I dont feel like Im taking sides because it didnt seem like there was ever really a choice. Family arrangements are not the only element of a divorce that create confusion for adult children. Zimmerman, who is also a family psychologist in Connecticut, says the strong sense of family, which adult children have established for the last 18 to 20 years, can be shaken to the core when their parents divorce. Brooke Stewart, a Lawrence resident, was 15 when her parents took her and her four siblings to a counselor to tell them they were getting a divorce. The divorce was a devastating surprise for Stewart that distorted her image of family and her self image. Before her parents divorce was finalized, Stewarts dad began dating a beautiful woman who Steward described as exotic with a perfect body. Stewart began taking her distorted self image out on her weight. I thought nobody will ever marry me if Im not skinny and pretty, Stewart says. Eight years after Stewarts parents got di-


Invisible Children
and downs in their relationship, but when they began remodeling their house, the tension escalated. I remember my mom being upstairs in her room, my dad being downstairs working on the remodel project and me being in my room, Yankovich says. Everyone was shut off in their own space trying to avoid the tension. Although selling the family home may not have as much effect on an adult child as the amount of conflict that happened in the home, it has symbolic relevance. Nichols says the family home is important for young adults to have as a safe environment while they transition to adulthood. Without it, students may need to find other support through peer groups or therapy. This [therapy] isnt an exact substitute for the family home, but its something, Nichols says. Before Yankovich left for college to Xavier University in Cincinnati, her parents divorce was finalized. Yankovich says she wanted to separate herself from what was going on with her family, but it was harder than she expected. I actually got really homesick even though when I was home I wasnt happy with what was going on. It was difficult to find support at Xavier because I didnt know anyone, she says. The next semester Yankovich decided to transfer to the University of Kansas. For the semester Yankovich attended Xavier, she spent most weekends with her paternal aunt who lived nearby. Yankovichs aunt helped her see a balance of fault with both her parents. At first me and my mom would talk and put all the blame on my dad, which is not healthy, she says. Over time Yankovich began forgiving her dad. While she took steps to improve her relationship with her dad, she had to set a boundary with her mom. I never openly said stop it to my mom, but I used comments that conveyed I didnt want to talk about it and she understood. Marciana Vequist, a psychologist at Bert Nash Community Mental Health Center in Lawrence, says adult children should not be the friend for their parent who is struggling with divorce. When you become the confidant to one parent it automatically degrades the relationship with the other, Vequist says. Setting boundaries with both parents is part of the work adult children must do to cope with the divorce. Another part of that work involves reflecting on the positive and negative aspects of their parents marriage so adult children know what they want in future relationships. This helps adult children of divorce to avoid the common mistakes of either replicating their parents marriage or avoiding commitment all together and becoming a serial monogamist, Vequist says.The work to heal from a divorce is not easy but essential. If they dont pay attention it will impact them later on, Vequist says. Watson says getting involved in school and staying close with friends has helped her cope with her parents divorce, but she recognizes the careful balance of also dealing with it. Watson says a mentor made her realize she cant use school as an escape from dealing with her parents divorce. It is a hard balance, she says.

vorced Stewart got married. She has been married for two years. Stewart says she talked with her husband about their feelings on divorce before they married and says they were confident that their marriage would make it, although she admits every couple is confident their marriage will make it going into it. Ultimately, Stewart is glad her parents divorced when they did. She says her parents realized that if they stayed together, they were actually hurting their kids. Zimmerman says the childs age when the divorce happens does not impact the child as much as the amount of conflict between the parents and how that conflict is handled. Research for the last 60 years shows the only correlation between children with problems and divorce is the amount of conflict in the family, says Patrick Nichols, divorce mediator at Associates in Dispute Resolution in Lawrence. However, the process of resolving a divorce in court is based on the principle of conflict by two parties aggressively arguing their cases against each other. For Elle Yankovich, a sophomore from Bonner Springs, the conflict in her family was unbearable. Yankovichs parents had many ups

From the parents perspective

When the last child goes to college it is often a time for parents to look at what they want out of life instead of what is best for their children. For some parents this could mean divorce. Jeffrey Zimmerman, family psychologist and author, says when people marry in their early 20s it is difficult to predict the changes in their partners and themselves 40 years later. People still have a lot of life to live at 60 and once the children are grown parents get to decide how they want to spend the latter segment of their life, Zimmerman says. Marciana Vequist, a psychologist at Bert Nash Community Mental Health Center in Lawrence, says when the children are grown parents have the opportunity to consider their own needs without feeling selfish.

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> Have WESCOE WIT // Becomeyou overheard any Wescoe witticisms? a fan on Facebook and your post could > Lol.
be published in Jayplay.

GUY 1: lets go to auschwitz and finish it. GUY 2: you mean anschutz? GUY 1: whatever. Same thing. GUY 2: Dude, not cool.

GIrl: Is it bad that I miss my horse more than my parents?

GUY 1: Im pretty sure Im addicted to Five Hour Energy. GUY 2: Doesnt that stuff cause cancer?

GUY: I skipped class and watched SpongeBob on Netflix all day. GUY: and you didnt invite me?

GUY: I think I could make it as a walk-on for the KU football team on defense at this point. Im serious.

GIrl: There was puke between my toilet and my bathtub. you pretty much have to be trying to make a mess at that point.

GUY: The worst thing about lawrence is that there are no 7-Elevens here. GIrl: Im a senior and I still dont know how to check my KU email. | maTT gallOway |

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Excessively Passive Aggressive

Beyond sticky notes
Often in this stage, its all about getting revenge and making the target as angry as the passiveaggressive person feels. Sometimes its things people might take to a criminal level, but often times its petty things, Wilson says. TIER FIVE: SELF-DEPRECIATION The most dangerous of the five tiers, selfdepreciation is again common in parent-child relationships. The person is willing to go to self-destructive lengths to express their anger or get revenge. Wilson says teenagers getting tattoos or drinking alcohol against their parents wishes could be classified in this tier, but a careful distinction should be made.There are a lot of things we talk about that might be written off as typical adolescent behavior, so you have to decide whether its something they would do on their own or if theyre only doing it to get back at their parents. she says. THE SOLUTION Wilson says she does not think there is more passive-aggressive behavior in society today than in past generations; its just more identifiable. However, she says part of the reason why its prevalent today is a cultural fear of expressing anger directly. Part of it is society being more politically correct, Wilson says. Brandon Melton, a sophomore from Topeka, said electronic communication has made it easier to send passive-aggressive notes. In fact, he says he saw it just last week when a co-worker sent one to his boss over Facebook, telling his supervisor he was quitting. I generally just tell people to talk to the person, Melton says. I prefer handling issues face-toface. Fixing passive-aggressive behavior appears simple, but Wilson says its much easier said than done. Mustering up the nerve to express your anger directly is the biggest step in overcoming passive-aggressive. People need to make friends with their anger, she says.

Contributed photo Hardly Subtle: Passive agressive notes are being used more and more by frustrated roommates and even upset businesses. There was something bitter about The Cheese & Salami Shoppe in Lawrence, and it wasnt the cheese. When the store went out of business on July 8, 2009, management decided to guilt trip former patrons in an alltoo-common medium: the passive-aggressive note, now hanging in a window. The Cheese Shoppe is now over. Closed for good, the note read. Remember that the cheese loved you more than you loved it. A passerby was so amused by the parting jab that he snapped a photo of the note and submitted it to the website The website ran the submission and the photo and received 86 likes, 156 comments and digital infamy. The note was a classic example of passiveaggressiveness, according to Signe Wilson, author of The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive Aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces. Wilson, who is the COO of the Life Space Crisis Intervention Institute, says she defines passive-aggressive as a deliberate yet masked way of showing feelings of anger. Passive-aggressive behavior is motivated by a persons fear of expressing anger directly, she says. If someone is upset about something, and for whatever reason they feel they cant openly tell someone, they use passive-aggressive behaviors to get back at someone. According to Wilsons book, there are five tiers to passive-aggressive, each with increasing levels of pathological tendencies. TIER ONE: TEMPORARY COMPLIANCE The most innocent of the five tiers, temporary compliance is most common in parentchild relationships. It starts with a parent asking their child to do the dishes or perform some other mundane chore, and the often electronically-entrenched child agrees. After a few minutes, the parent asks again. And the child again agrees. The parent has to remind them a second time, a third time, then fifteen times, Wilson says. Now the parent is screaming and yelling and cant believe theyre getting so angry, and the kid is calm as can be because they didnt do anything. TIER TWO: INTENTIONAL INEFFICIENCY This tier can be described as doing something halfway. Intentional inefficiency is a trademark of the disenchanted employee, different from temporary compliance in that the subject actually does the requested task. But it is done at the bare minimum, unsatisfactory to the target of the passive-aggression. In this example, the child asked to clean their room would simply push everything under the bed or into a closet as quickly as possible. TIER THREE: AN ESCALATING PROBLEM When given the opportunity to nip a potential crisis in the bud before it begins, the passive-aggressive person in tier three instead chooses to sit back. It could be as simple as one roommate seeing another drop their keys, choosing not to tell them, and secretly enjoying them spend the next 30 minutes frantically looking for them. Its a way of expressing anger toward another person by choosing not to share some kind of knowledge, Wilson says. Laura Moll, a junior from Gardner, let her best friend vent to her about lazy roommates last year. She says her friend would leave notes around but never confront anyone directly, allowing the problem to escalate. I think a lot of people have a problem with that, but anger is a natural emotion everyone feels, Moll says. I think its more of a fear of confrontation. TIER FOUR: REVENGE When passive-aggressive behavior reaches the fourth level, Wilson says the person should begin considering seeking help for their problem. She calls the fourth level as hidden but conscious revenge, and its often deliberate. People in this tier go out of their way to make their targets lives more difficult, like a roommate hiding a remote because theyre angry the target has been hogging the television.


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Q&A //

> Because we have questions, celebrities have answers.

When Wallpaper first started in 2005, it was Eric Frederic and his computer, bringing autotune into mainstream music. Now led by Ricky Reed on vocals, Wallpaper is a pop quartet consisting of two drummers, Eric Frederic and Arjun Singh, and another vocalist, Novena Carmel. Their biggest hit song #STUPiDFACEDD ignited a Twitter movement with hashtags and put the band on Top 40 radio stations around the country. In August, MTV selected Wallpaper for MTVs PUSH Artist of the Week, a campaign featuring new buzzworthy artists each week, and Wallpaper was on the red carpet of the VMAs. Their music even played on this years season of Jersey Shore. Wallpaper performed at the Midland Theater in Kansas City on Sunday, Nov. 6 and Jayplays Nadia Imafidon was able to attend the show. Jayplay: Last year one of our writers interviewed with Eric Frederic and he mentioned that you dont do very many interviews. Why is that? Ricky Reed: He used to do more work with the band, but now I am doing all of the interviews. With that being said, I was in a place last year where I wanted to be secretive. Now I want the people to hear my voice and hear me talk. Ive got things to say. JP:In all your pictures, you always wear a hat and sunglasses. Do you ever take them off? RR: No. I can think of think of a few times when my hat has been knocked off and stolen by some crazy ladies, and I had to scramble to get it back. But my sunglasses have never once come off. People dont need to see my eyes. If people could see my eyes they would know what I was really thinking and that would be way too much vulnerability. JP: What influences Wallpapers overall sound? RR: Im really influenced by all sorts of greats from Michael Jackson to Prince to Dr. Dre or more recently the West Coast rap stuff. JP: Does satire still play a role in your music? RR: Our music definitely used to be perceived as satirical pop music, but your guess is really as good as mine. I make the records and I let people figure the rest out. JP: How did you feel about having your music on Jersey Shore? RR: It was so weird when I first heard it, but its pretty incredible though to hear your music on TV. It was real special and everything. I didnt watch much of the show before but once our music was on it, I started getting into the show and figuring it all out. JP: Whos your hero or biggest inspiration? RR: I would probably have to say Michael Jackson circa 1983. Before shit got weird. JP: What was it like being on the red carpet at the VMAs this year? RR: All of it was weird. People were talking about fashion and all sorts of causes like vegetarianism, and asking me about Twilight and shit, and I dont know anything about that stuff. But it was fun and exciting with Chris Brown flying around and the Rick Ross and Kreayshawn confrontation. Weird is the only way to describe these kinds of events. JP: Explain what #STUPiDFACEDD is? RR: #STUPiDFACEDD is a state of mind. Its a very specific sort of window when you hit that perfect level of intoxication before you black


out or pass out or whatever. Its when everything is perfect and beautiful and you arent worried about people looking at you. Truth be told, you dont have to have alcohol or drugs to get to that place. You could get to that real nice, blissful, special place without those things too. JP: Whats an example of sober #STUPiDFACEDD? RR: Like if you are out with all your besties and some members of the opposite sex or same sex, [its all good], and things are going so right. Maybe you just had a Red Bull or you were exercising really good that day, like jogging or yoga, and you are like yeah, Im so buff and so good looking. Its just when everything is right. JP: What goal do you have for yourself as a musician? RR: I am definitely trying to get a lot of people to hear my shit. I want people to know who I am. I think my legacy will be making a cultural footprint with some mainstream [stuff] and some real weird shit. JP: What should students expect from Wallpaper show? RR: A Wallpaper show is tight. We have two live drummers and myself and another singer and we just bring this powerhouse of dance and funk. It doesnt sound like the record; it sounds like more of a band. Its for people who like rock music, people who like rap music, and its just for all walks of life. Its simply undeniable.


Contributed Photo Shady Character: Wallpapers lead vocalist, Ricky Reed, says he never takes off his hat and sunglasses. If people could see my eyes, they would know what I was really thinking and that would be way too much vulnerability.

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PLAY out and about //

> Random people. Random Questions.

Whats the nastiest food served at your familys thanksgiving dinner?

Nikki White Overland Park | seniOr I really dont like stuffing. My mom always puts too many ingredients in it.

Roxie Lamm COlby| seniOr My Missouri grandma makes this runny, mushy orange shit that I dont like. I dont know what it is.

eRNest shepaRd kansas City, kan. | seniOr My mom makes nasty-ass chitterlings and the worst part about it is the smell of it before its cooked.

LauRa hemphiLL Olathe | sOPhOmOre The gravy is good, but watching my grandma make it with the gizzard of the turkey is disgusting.

sammi GoLdeN buffalO GrOve, ill. | sOPhOmOre Stuffing, because I dont like how it looks and how its made.

GeoffRy kaLeNdeR Overland Park | seniOr Turkey. I would be truly thankful if we were having steak.

mattheW BRoWN byrOn Center, miCh.| seniOr Marshmallow stuffing of fluff. The texture is horrible.


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> Feel free to swoon.


The guys in Oh! The Humanity have been making music together for nearly two years, but all three members have careers and businesses to run along side playing in a band. I own, Im a pastry judge, a feline dentist and Ive played in several other bands before OTH, says Sam Dean, vocalist. His website sells ear gauges, clothing and accessories. Kumer is also the owner of MonsterMerch, a t-shirt printing company in Kansas City, Mo. According to Dean and Kumer, they keep themselves pretty busy but music is what they thrive off of and will continue to do. Their next show is on Nov. 11 with Plea for Purging, Take It Back and No Bragging Rights. Kumer says, The show starts at 6:30 p.m. at Lakeland church (in Lees Summit, Mo.). Its on an indoor soccer field so even if you think the bands suck you can play soccer. I believe Jay-Z would refer to that as a win/win. | DREW WILLE |

Scene and Heard // TEA AT ThrEE > New places, new faces.
Tea, at three, for free every Thursday. It sounds too good to be true, but it isnt. Thanks to Student Union Activities, Tea at Three is a free event held weekly on the fourth floor of the Kansas Union where teas as well as other treats are severed. And you can even go for seconds. Tea at Threes Assistant Coordinator, Shannon Collins, says the event has been around for as long as she can remember and students, such as Cale Mages, have been attending the event for most of their college careers. Right around 3 p.m. it looks like everyone is casually standing around the Union, but its people waiting to swarm the line [for tea], says Mages, a senior from Ottawa. They had Moroccan vanilla last week which was a good one and they have a plum tea that I really like as well. Theyve got milk, honey, and Splenda too if you want to spice it up. For an event that has anywhere from 50 to 100 attendees, SUA spends roughly $58 dol-

Contributed photo Business and Pleasure: All three members of Oh! The Humanity run businesses alongside playing shows and making music. Throwback is one word to describe the Kansas City group, Oh! The Humanity, and its sound. Its rare to come across local musicians still playing the genre of music these guys do, but they are doing it well and keeping their scene alive. Were like fried cake balls two things you like in the same experience, pop punk and hardcore, says guitarist and singer, Kyle Kumer. This genre of music peaked around 1995, but its still the best music to hardcore dance to, and mosh to.

Contributed Photo Tea Time: Moroccan vanilla and plum are just a few Tea at Three flavors to choose from. lars each week . Lets face it, its the end of the week, who doesnt want free sugar? Collins says. Its fun and we even have fruit punch and brownies its different every week. Theres always a traditional tea and we even have fruity teas too. Its a great event to socialize with fellow tea lovers or to try something new. Tea at Three is an hour-long event, so stop by before four. Cheers. | DREW WILLE |

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Medium Rare
The morning of my first strip club experience I trimmed an overgrown bush. I showed up to a house near 14th and Massachusetts around 9 a.m., and my boss was there waiting with two hedge clippers. The sun was bright, and it was excruciatingly humid for that early of an hour. My friend and co-worker Pierce was already there. There were two bushes on either side of the front porch that my boss wanted us to trim. They had grown up against the siding, and they had gotten so tall they covered the bottom half of the front windows. There was a time constraint associated with the task: our boss wanted us done before noon so he could take us, and the rest of our co-workers, to a local strip club for a steak lunch. Few things in this world garner a more masculine appeal than steaks and naked women. Neither Pierce nor I had ever been to a strip club, so we worked diligently. Pierce started trimming the bushes back from the house, and I worked on cutting them down so they didnt obscure the view from the windows. We finished the job before lunch, and by the end we were both drenched in sweat and covered in dirt and bites from the insects that inhabited those horrible hedges. Our co-worker, Shawn, showed up to the site around noon. We walked around the house to rinse our hands and arms with a garden hose, so as to be presentable when we set foot in our first gentlemans club. When we finished we climbed into Shawns Volkswagen, reeking of sweat and vegetation. Shawn laughed. It was our first time and he knew it. On the drive I ruminated about what the next hour might entail. I knew there would be food, and I was sure Id see some breasts, but other than that my conception of strip clubs was vague. We crossed over the Kansas River at the north end of town and took the first right after the bridge. We passed through a neighborhood before taking another right and pulling into the clubs gravel parking lot. Inside, the club was dim. There was a bar opposite the entrance, and to the right of the bar there was an empty stage surrounded by mirrors. We took a seat with our bosses. They had acquired a table next to the stage, and I got shafted with the chair facing away from it, so if I wanted to watch the dancers, I had to turn around. This, I thought, was problematic. When we sat down I took a second to look around the club. We appeared to be the only ones under 50. There were people at the bar drinking, despite the fact that it was only noon. There were two strippers at the bar and one sitting at a table mingling with patrons. Our waitress came to the table and took our order. She gave us all glasses of water and she had a very pleasant disposition. She smiled at Pierce and I as if it were perfectly clear that we were first-timers. She took our order, and I ordered a medium rare steak. I would have preferred medium well, but I thought it better to act in accordance with the implied manliness of the ritual. After a while I realized the club was quite clean and that Pierce and I were undoubtedly the dirtiest, least presentable people in the establishment. Soon after coming to this realization, a stripper took the stage, and I swallowed my pride and turned around in my chair. She had light brown skin and tattoos down her side and on her back. She was really quite beautiful. She strutted across the stage, and wiped down the pole before she began to dance. My co-workers and I watched her sway her hips, and slide up and down the pole to the beat of the music. She was talented. She removed her top and soon many of the patrons approached the stage and began giving her money. Some handed her $1 bills, and some gave her $5. She took time to fake affection with every one of them, wrapping her arms around their shoulders and allowing them to kiss her cheek. Our steaks arrived, and a new girl took the stage. I set to work eating my steak and baked potato, turning around in my chair intermittently to watch the new dancer who was also young and attractive. The previous performer pulled up a chair next to an older man at the far side of the club. They talked, and though I couldnt hear the content of their conversation, I imagined them working out some perverse deal. My plate was bloody, and I turned around in my chair to watch the current dancer. She was

One Jayplay writer shares an interesting first experience at a gentlemans club


topless, wearing only a thong, and she sat at the front of the stage with her legs spread and her thong pulled to the side, revealing it all to the entire club. It was the last thing I wanted to see while eating a medium rare steak. When I looked back to the first dancer and the old man, she was on top of him, rubbing her backside up and down his crotch and thighs. He clung to his chair with a look of total concentration and she bit her lower lip as she danced. I lost my appetite. This is lust in its most depraved variety, I thought to myself. When it was all said and done, our boss paid the bill and we thanked him for the meal. Pierce and I were sent to an empty house to clean. I spent the afternoon scrubbing a wretchedly filthy bathroom and gagging on oven cleaner, thinking about the woman with her legs spread and the other woman on top of the old man. We joked halfheartedly about what we had seen throughout the rest of the day. I guess they arent for everyone, I told myself, but I replayed those images in my head for a long time after. By the end of the day, I reeked. I was covered in soot, and my back ached. I went home and cleansed myself of it.

Contributed photo Stripped Down: A typical day of work turned into a new experience for one Jayplay writer.


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More Pics Please! >

Mariscos M
& The Top Shelf Bar

Johnnys Tavern North 401 N 2nd St

$1.00 All Cans Including Rolling Rock & $4.25 Double Wells $2.00 Domestic Bottles $4.00 Double Skyy $2.00 Single Wells $1.50 PBR Bottles $2.75 Import Bottles, Specialty Beers & Boulevard Wheat Draws $5.00 Double Absolut $4.75 Domestic (Premium) Pitchers, $3.75 PBR/Nattie Pitchers, $5.00 Double Goose $5.25 Domestic (Premium) Pitchers, $3.75 PBR/Nattie Pitchers, $3.50 Double Wells $5.25 Domestic (Premium) Pitchers, $3.75 PBR/Nattie Pitchers, $3.50 Double Wells

$2.50 Miller Lite and Coors Light pints and $ 3.50 bloody marys
Johnnys Tavern West 721 Wakarusa Suite 100

Mimosas & Bloody Marys - $3 Sunday Brunch 'til 4 p.m. Summer Brew - $3.50 $1 off Lump Crab Melt Mariscos Infusions - $4.50 $1 off Shrimp Tacos Half Price Martinis $1 off Veal Meatball Grinder Margaritas - $3.50 Top Shelf Margaritas - $5 Select Tequila Flights (tres) - $9 $1 off Prime Rib Sliders Local Draft Beer - $3 $1 off Fish N Chips Wine by the Glass - $1 off

Big 22 oz. Domestic Draft Beers: $3.00 All Bottled Beer: $2.00 Jumbo Rocks Margaritas: $3.99 Lime Mug O Ritas: 99 12 oz. Domestic Draft Beers including Boulevard Wheat: 99 1/2 Price House Margaritas Carlos Gold Margaritas $4.99 Jumbo Margaritas & Long Island Iced Tea: $4.99

$7.00 Pitchers $5.00 off all Pizzas $2 Single-topping slices after 9 p.m $4.00 Big Beers (32oz.) $2.00 off Burgers $3.50 Blvd & Free State Pints $2.75 Miller Lite and Coors Light Bottles, $3.50 Bloody Marys

$6 domestic pitchers $ 7.99 chicken fried steak w/ mashed potatoes & gravy with green beans $ 5 off any pizza (after 6 pm) $2 Miller Lite and coors light pints and $1 tacos $3 domestic big beers and $2 single topping slices $2 Single-topping slices after 9 $2.50 domestic bottles $3 Boulevard pints and $3 UV vodka singles $3 UV singles