a day to remember i am early for my dentist appointment by almost half an hour.

haven't really fin d the time to get some rest since last night. i was in the hospital, as i was ac companying my sick mother there. this is the noon of a wonderful winter day which denies the season. sunny and wa rm- exactly the way i like in fact. so i decide to go the shopping mall nearby a nd get a cup of coffee at a street cafe while i wait for the time to come for th e dentist. as i get close to the mall, i feel my pulse go up. suddenly, i don't feel too go od. my heart is racing and breathing is troublesome somewhat. my heart seems to have expanded in my chest, beating wildly and hurting me in its rage. my lungs a re but a scream craving for air, trying to manage with gasps... each gasp a drop of water on hot a stone. my chest is in agony. view of the world narrowing, as if i were looking through a tunnel. hands and feet shaky. stomach churning, a fe eling of sickness rising. i just want to get out. away. wouldn't know where to. i try to pick a direction which looks safe. and i don't know what that means. few steps ahead and just right, i find a lonely corner. upon turning first thing i do is throwing up... hadn't eaten much, so it is only bile my stomach yields. i try to stabilize myself. get seated. lean on my hands to get my back straight and throw my head backwards and get a posture as if trying to swallow a sword.. . but instead, i just force myself to breathe. first it's merely a gasp. loud an d painful. don't mind that. i exhale the little air in my lungs slowly, sparingl y. then i try another deep breath, which too turns into a miserable gasp. after a few more tries it is getting better. i try to repeat what i have once learned. .. "inhale to count of four. hold to count of one. exhale to count of eight. the n increase- four inhale, hold one, twelve exhale" it is tedious work. but i feel my puls going down. my lungs are still in agony. i don't see anything- it is just black. all the air on the world is not enoughi need more. i maintain the breathing nevertheless. my lungs fill and empty with out quenching my thirst for air. but the pulse is going down to something normal . the sun is not warming me. i feel terribly cold. yet i am all sweat. a few minut es must have passed. i realize the sweat stains at armpits and chest even... my shirt is sticking on my back- must be wet as well. now i just feel tired. adrena lin ebbing, i feel exhausted and shaky. try to get myself in some sort of an ord er- wipe the sweat on my face. it is dripping through my hairs to my neck, foreh ead, eyebrows. my hands shake violently... the pain in my chest is relieving somewhat. i spot water nearby- that is my luck y break, i think. go there on my shaky feet which feel as if they could just sto p carrying me a step further. just refuse standing, walking or whatever i demand of them. wash my face, my mouth... get rid of the bile in my mouth. get a sip t o drink as well. the cool water helps. i feel a bit less shaky. my mind is racing, trying to figure out what has just happened. is this how a he art-attack would feel? terrible pain in the chest and all? have i eaten somethin g wrong, causing poisoning of some crazy sort? panic-attack? i decide, panic-attack could be the right answer. in fact, don't really care wha t it is- it is just another name for hell. i can already breathe normal. my chest feels alright and my pulse feels also dow

n to something resembling normal. hard to tell. i telling myself that everything is back to normal. everything is ok. some ten more minutes- i am few minutes late to my dentist appointment. he doesn 't really seem to mind. he scolds me that i am not careful brushing me teeth. th at is an old problem- having the brush in my mouth feels wrong somewhat. almost everything in my mouth makes me feel sick. like chewing a gum, or a pen. brushin g my teeth is difficult. i tell him that and ask if he has a trick for me to ove rcome that. this is not the first time i had this conversation- so far without any input. th is particular one tells me in vivid picture what it looks like in my mouth when i am chewing food and tells me that this doesn't make me feel sick. therefore he concludes, "it's all in the mind"- well, not with those words. i couldn't agree more, of course. i never thought it was anything physical anywa ys. but he goes on telling me that i could try to brush my teeth with dry toothb rush- without getting the thing wet first... then the conversation is over and he starts drilling my teeth. there are two tee th to be drilled and filled on todays schedule. i am too tired to care. i just s lip into a sleep black as night. later sometime, he actually wakes me, telling me he is done. i am ready to bet, i am the the fist patient to sleep on that chair while he was drilling the teeth . i realize i have slept more than an hour. feel already much better- save for t he ache on my mandible caused by keeping it open wide for a long time. my teeth might be aching as well, but the painkiller he jabbed is still good... so i have a numb mouth. when i was out again in the sun, i was still tired for sure. just a big blank in my head. don't really care, there is not much to think of anyways. and this day certainly changed my life- almost a milestone. not because i discov ered that i get panic-attacks whenever i am close to a shopping mall. no, nothin g like that, although that is still true. ever since, i can brush my teeth- the trick works!