Cover: Disastrophe is a great title. It's got the right combination of unique but recognizable.

It seems like a real word, so it will be easier to remember. 1.1 If you're calling a shot clich in your own script, rethink it. If you think it's clich, the first thing a reader is going to think when they see it is clich! It's worth the effort to find another opening visual. Sidetrack note: There's a page in a Batman comic that's sort-of well known for being poorly lettered. I tried but couldn't find a copy of it online. Basically, it's a drawing of Wayne Manor, with the words WAYNE MANOR as part of the front gate, with a place-stamp saying Wayne Manor and a Batman narration box saying Back at Wayne Manor... It's bad because the creators provided one piece of fairly obvious information four times. This sort of redundancy hampers the reading flow, which is especially crucial in the beginning of a book, before readers have decided it they like what's going on enough to continue reading. I mention this because there are a few times when this happens in the script. The opening scene, for example, you show the audience that dawn's breaking on the city, plus you have a time stamp stating it's dawn, plus you have your narrator saying it's dawn. If you're worried that the audience doesn't understand that it's dawn, you can show it's dawn and have your MC say it's dawn, but three times is too much. 2.1 I would make this the opening splash of the panel. Unless the city is an important character (like Gotham or Metropolis), opening up on it isn't going to give the reader much information about the story, where as the shadow and the corner of the wrestling poster start to tease about characters. You want to hit the reader with information as soon as possible, or they're going to lose interest. Mild-mannered citizen is clich, take it out. Also 'Sidonia' has a very high-fantasy ring to it. I'm not sure if it's intentional or not, but it seems to conflict with the established setting. 2.2 A FOURTH reference to the time. Unless this is an important theme for the comic, it's redundant. 'Torricane' is a great name for a superhero, for the same reasons 'Disastrophe' is a great title. 2.4 Nice note about the logo on the vest. Any ideas what it looks like? (I'm just curious!) 3.1 I'd keep this time reference and the one in 2.2, because they do double duty as establishing the setting AND as a visual joke. 3.4 I might cut out the inner monologue line here. Too much inner monologue acts as a crutch for storytelling, and the information provided is redundant. Anybody who would fuck with somebody's alarm clock is clearly some sort of monster. 4.1 The only visual information you provide so far has Torricane and Tsucano looking very similarmohawk and goggles, basically. Also, their names are sort-of similar, for being the only characters we've seen so far. Also, his quote Half Tsunami. Half Volcano. All deadly. is exactly the same as Torricane's earlier line. Are they meant to be twins, or is this just coincidence? Instead of relying on inner monologue, I would have Travis shout back something like It's Tsucano, punk! or whatever you think is in character. Another double duty: it establishes a back-and-forth between the two characters, and alerts the reader to Travis' superhero name/identity. 4.4 I like Tsucano's campy voice over in this bit, but the part about bloody satisfaction is a little

gross (because you personified the city as a women and... I don't know, man, it made me pause). 4.5 Love the fake Twitter names. Might switch Twitter to a faux-Twitter-esque website, for reasons of copyright and relevancy (never know when Twitter's going to tank and leave this reference dated). Spammers will mention me shouting "follow us!" this line is confusing. I think it's missing a comma between me and shouting (Spammers will mention me, shouting "follow us!" ). The way it is now indicates that spammers talk about times when Tsucano shouted follow us, which doesn't quite make sense. The whole above segment is effective in getting some exposition and characterization down, but it's not all that attention-grabbing. Keep in mind that your space is extremely limited in the comics medium, and you need to have every panel and line conveying information, preferably in a double-duty sense. It would be better to show Torricane saving some people from crime and injustice, show a society afraid of mutants and freaks, than having him sleepily tell us about it. Watching a guy get ready for bed is not riveting opening-pages material. And you've mentioned a lot of super interesting and exciting stuff that these guys supposedly do. They have super powers! They wrestle! They fight crime! But all we see them doing is sleeping and playing on the internet. 5.4 Tsucano 's powers = awesome. Move this up way earlier in the story.

6.1 I don't know if you can find a way to make a pun on match and the fact that they were talking about lighters and fires, but if you can, you should. (I'm a sucker for puns, though, so it's at your discretion.) 6.2 This is sort-of a weird meta note. You make a reference to the Batman mythos (Fag-Man and Robin ) in a superhero comic book, which is... tricky. Do they exist in the DC universe? Or a universe where DC comics/superhero comics exist? Either way, this will have a surprisingly big impact on what happens in your story. If their secret ever gets out, for instance, the reaction of the public will be dramatically different in a world where nobody has been exposed to the idea of a superhero before. 7.1 7.1 Saul Sheyman - see redundancy note of redundancy I dont understand what the fuck your problem is Sharp! Add a comma after 'is'.

You're using a lot of splash pages for what are otherwise pretty mundane settings. Save the splash for some wild action or really important scenes. 8.1 I understand that wrestling school is a real, legit thing, but the phrasing sounds odd. Change to something like I skipped college to wrestle. 8.3 I love the idea of their wrestling poster as the cover for the comic.

8.4 Theyre frauds. Posers. Redundant. But I like the irony that he thinks their frauds, despite actually having super powers.

I really love the set up on Damien Sharp. He's got the potential set-up to be a great villain. Clever not showing his face, too- the illusion to all the beatings he's taken really builds up the anticipation to what the hell his face is going to look like. As a side note to this section, it's weird that we follow Tsucano and Torricane to the gym and then leave them. It would be best to make the transition visually- follow Tsu and Tor walking into the gym, then have a speech bubble of Saul hollering at Damien peak out of a doorway, then lead the viewer to the office for the confrontation. 10.1 Now THIS is where we should have a splash page. Maybe even a double splash, if this location is going to be used again in the story. 10.2 Just a lettering note- it would be cool if Tim Cross's lettering for this panel included the logo/font/whatever design you chose for TWM, Torricane, and Damien Sharp. It would be very visually attractive, and a good way to tie-in their respective designs. 10.4 I'd love to see this drawn/written as a bigger reveal. After the build up in his talk with Saul, I expected something more noteworthy. 13.4 14.2 15.4 16.1 Ricochets back and hits him in the head. Hits who in the head? Damien? thats the last straw. Cliche. Nice twist, though! This part is a little too campy-super-villain. It makes Damien way less accessible. I love that the announcer is still at it!

17.1 'psychic', not 'pyshic '. Wha!? Uh-oh! Tor should say one or the other, but not both. 18.1 Again, pretty super-villainy. You go through the trouble of making Damien understandable and sympathetic, with a good backstory and solid, righteous motivations. Don't undercut all that by having him call himself a bad guy. Also, the bad guy never stays and fights! 18.2 AHA! Aha? We know from his internal monologue earlier that he thinks Tor and Tsu are frauds, but 'Aha!' implies that he had suspicions the whole time. Also, super villainy. 18.4 Damien really does devolve completely, almost immediately. Is this on purpose? It just seems weird that you put an effort into developing his character at all only to have him saying this isn't over! and I've got you right where I want you! and I'd have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling wrestlers! 19.2 If this set-up was premeditated, you need to have Damien allude to it earlier in the script. He mentions that it ends tonight, but it seemed like he's just reacting to his talk with Saul. Have him say something about his plan or something so it's clear to the audience that he's been brooding on this awhile. 20.1 Orn? I don't know why, but the name doesn't sit right with me. I was hoping for something epic and cliff-hangery, like Heatslide! or Hellquake! Orn is... underwhelming.

Overall, I'd say you've got some really great ideas. Wrestler/superhero makes total sense as a combo, but I also don't think I've ever seen them together. Some of the pacing in the story needs to be swapped around. For instance, they talk a lot about being superheroes, but we never actually see them doing super hero stuff. The whole wrestling match was totally exciting, and I really wanted to see it drawn out because it sounded awesome. However, if I had picked up the book and looked at the first few pages, I would have been like where's the action? Where's the crime-fighting and the super powers? Write a small scene where there's some sort of crime-stopping action. Have that be an opener, with the returning-home scene after that, and the rest as is. Final note, which can be completely disregarded: My actual first reaction to picking up this book would be to flip through it and say no female characters? Pass. As a lady who love comic books, I always want to see more (or any) female characters. Obviously for the first comic, you don't have a lot of time/space to introduce characters that aren't 100% necessary, but it's something to keep in mind as you start fleshing out this world and introducing more characters. Muscular wrestling women are totally sweet.