News Velociraptor attack is the 3rd leading cause of death for

men age 27-29. However, everyone must think about the

implications of velociraptors: young and old, men,
September is National
women and transgendered persons.
Velociraptor Awareness Month!
The American Society for
The American
Velociraptor Attack Prevention,
Society for
along with the North American
Velociraptor
Velociraptor Defense
Attack
Association and the United
Prevention is a
Velociraptor Widows Fund, will
bi-partisan group
be providing free velociraptor
of professionals,
safety seminars at local Red
dedicated to the
Cross centers across the nation.
diffusion of
Contact your local center for Velociraptor compared in size to a human.
knowledge
more information. Courtesy: Wikipedia
concerning
velociraptor attack prevention.
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Don't let the velociraptors get
Know the Enemy
the best of you. Sign up for our
The velociraptor is a bipedal carnivore with a long,
free weekly newsletter,
stiffened tail and can be distinguished from other
complete with helpful tips and
dromaeosaurids by its long and low skull, with an
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upturned snout. It bores a relatively large, sickle-shaped
our certified velociraptor-free
claw, typical of dromaeosaurid and troodontid
retail partners!
dinosaurs. This enlarged claw, up to 67 millimeters (2.6
in) long around its outer edge, is a predatory device,
used to tear into the prey, delivering a fatal blow.

Velociraptors are commonly found on tropical islands,

converted to millionarie amusement parks, but are
commonly being sighted in the Pacific Northwest. Of
the essential facts you should know about velociraptors:

• Velociraptors hunt in packs, and are known to

form an equilateral triangle around its prey.
• Velociraptors can accelerate 4 m/s2, with a top
speed of 25 m/s on open terrain, 10 m/s while
wounded, and 10 m/s in indoor labratories.
• Velociraptors can open doors, but are slowed by
them. They can open an initial door in
approximately 5 minutes, and will take half that
time for each subsequent door.
• Velociraptors do not know fear.
 New Home Buyer Tips
When buying a new home, there are a few things to look
out for when assessing potential velociraptor attacks:

1. Check all doors and windows. Doors should be

made of solid oak or steel. Windows should have
steel bars with spacing smaller than the average
raptor.
2. Make sure all entryways have adequate
deadbolts. Quality deadbolts may be purchased
at your local Home Depot.
3. Always keep a loaded big-game rifle under your
bed, and tire irons near every door. Remember,
you should never be farther than 20 feet away
from a tire iron.

Meet the Neighbors

Do you know if your neighbors are raptors? Take the
quiz and find out.

Know thine enemy

The velociraptor is a bipedal carnivore with a long, stiffened tail and can be distinguished
from other dromaeosaurids by its long and low skull, with an upturned snout. It bores a
relatively large, sickle-shaped claw, typical of dromaeosaurid and troodontid dinosaurs.
This enlarged claw, up to 67 millimeters (2.6 in) long around its outer edge, is a predatory
device, used to tear into the prey, delivering a fatal blow.

Velociraptors are commonly found on tropical islands, converted to millionaire

amusement parks, but are, due to global warming, commonly being seen all over the
world. Of the essential facts you should know about velociraptors:

• Velociraptors have no natural enemies, aside from possibly echidnae. An echidna

can be used as a last-resort defense mechanism if thrown at a velociraptor's eyes.
This seems to deter them somewhat.
• Velociraptors hunt in packs, and are known to form an equilateral triangle around
its prey.
• Velociraptors can accelerate 4 m/s squared, with a top speed of 25 m/s on open
terrain, 10 m/s while wounded, and 10 m/s in indoor laboratories.
 • Velociraptors can open doors, but are slowed by them. They can open an initial
door in approximately 5 minutes, and will take half that time for each subsequent
door.
• Velociraptors do not know fear.
• While velociraptors prefer to attack young children and 50-year-old virgins, they
will not hesitate to kill and possibly eat any and all members of the public.
• Velociraptors stand about crotch high. They will use this to their advantage.

[edit]

Safety around Velociraptors

Velociraptors will attack on the street or in the house; their preferred method is to wear
disguises such as trench-coats, mustaches, and Darth Vader voice changers. Warn your
children against any strangers offering them candy, sex, or ultimate power over the
galaxy. Several safety precautions that one can take include:

• Never, ever being more than 20 feet away from a tire iron.
• Carrying an assault rifle at all times loaded with 100-round snail clips
• Driving around in an armored personnel carrier
• Keeping an echidna somewhere on you at all times. Possibly strapped to your
head as a spiky helmet.
• Teaching your children the 'kill' spots on velociraptors
• Wearing clean underwear at all times
• Refraining from having wild, promiscuous, binge sex with odd-looking lizards
• Keeping a copy of the Holy Bible on your person at all times as a last-resort
bludgeoning tool

[edit]

New Home Buyer Tips

When buying a new home, there are a few things to look out for when assessing potential
velociraptor attacks:

• Check all doors and windows. Doors should be made of solid oak or steel.
Windows should have steel bars with spacing smaller than the average raptor.
• Make sure all entryways have adequate deadbolts. Quality deadbolts may be
purchased at your local Home Depot.
• Always keep a loaded big-game rifle under your bed, and tire irons near every
door. Remember, you should never be farther than 20 feet away from a tire
iron.
• Velociraptors are really fucking scary.

[edit]
Origins
Nobody really knows where these creatures came from, or how they were made. One
theory, the Single Egg Theory, postulates that they hatched from an egg left in Hell's
Kitchen for three days and three nights. Critics of this theory point out that this does not
account for the trench-coats commonly worn by velociraptors. Other academics support
the Batman theory. This suggests that after Dick Grayson was born to Batman, he
changed his name to Dick Tracy and invented the trench-coat. He then stole all of
Batman's cool shit and created the velociraptors, giving them trench-coats as they were
born. Strangely, these coats never require dry-cleaning.

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