Eleven Missing Days - Radio Script

The radio programme starts as a call-in. People are told that eleven days are going to be taken off the calendar and are invited to talk about what happens. As the play progresses people start to report things that are happening to them, both as call-ins and as messages reported by the presenter all the songs are time-related and some of them start to become warped. a ticking clock starts to come on and starts to dominate. THE VOICE OF DOOM [think almost like a typical metal voice] provides clues the show will repeat itself - showing the presenter in a time loop but little things will change each time - the function of the radio play is to build up the tension for the competitors on the ground and gradually get them more involved The play is broken into four parts - in between these there will be a gap where the DJ can relay information about the competitors and their positions live.

LIVE INTRO - TEAMS ARE INTRODUCED

Part 1

THE FOLLOWING RECORDING IS BEING MADE AS PART OF THE ELEVEN MISSING DAYS A STREET GAME NOW GOING ON AROUND MACCLESFIELD TOWN CENTRE AS PART OF BARNABY FESTIVAL. IT IS IN NO WAY TO BE BELIEVED - THE YEAR IS 2011 IT IS NOT 1752 THE DATE IS 19TH JUNE 2011 IT IS NOT SEPTEMBER 2ND 1752 AND ELEVEN DAYS HAVE NOT BEEN TAKEN OFF THE CALENDAR SONG: Ride On Time - Blackbox VOICE OF DOOM: GO TO DUKES COURT AND FIND THE MAN WHO IS STARING HE WILL SHOW YOU THE WAY TO THE DAYS PRESENTER: Good morning Macclesfield! Its the 2nd OF September 1752 and the time is 3.11pm. YOURE LISTENING TO SLIDE TIME WITH ME The Captain on Canalside Radio

102.8 FM SLIDE TIME JINGLE PRESENTER: As always we have a stonckingly good show lined up for you, with music to make you dance, sing, laugh and cry, as well as our usual features and topical discussions on the days events. As we hope youre aware 11 days are going to be taken away from the year this month starting from today as Britain prepares to change to the Gregorian Calendar. Yes, no longer will the year start when those cute little lambs and flowers appear on the pennines. Youd better get your watches and a diaries ready while your at it too. The times are a changing; TOMORROW WILL BE THE 14TH OF September. Theres been much speculation and excitement about what might happen. Many people have publicly stated that changing the calendar may have unknown side effects on how we view time. Today were asking you the listener: How does time affect you? Are you pressed for time? Do you have enough hours in the day? OR: Do you spend your time with your head buried in the sand? Do you feel that its all a waste of time?... Wed like to know your thoughts. You can send us messages on _________________ Let us know how time affects you...

SLIDE TIME JINGLE

PRESENTER: Remember Macclesfield; wherever you are, whoever you are, whenever you are, its time to tune in and zone out to slide time, as we begin our journey into todays show with a woman who seems to turn back the time, and transcend the decades; its the lovely, the enigmatic, the visionary Cher

SONG: IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME- CHER (speeds up) - the song gets faster and faster

VOICE OF DOOM : LOOK FOR THE PEOPLE WITH TIME ON THEIR HANDS AND GET THE DAYS FROM THEM BUT BE QUICK SOME WILL TURN SOME WILL EVEN DISAPPEAR

TAKE THE DAYS TO CHRIST CHURCH TO SAVE THE DAYS.

SONG: LEE PERRY - JUNGLE ROOTS DUB (OR GAV REGGAE)

VOICE OF DOOM : COMPARE WATCHES WITH THE WHITE VAN MAN IN DUKES COURT CAR PARK. GRAB A BARGAIN AND YOU MIGHT GAIN A DAY. PRESENTER: I apologise for that, it appears that were having a few technical problems

this afternoon. Perhaps Cher has been wishing to turn back time so much that the timing on her own song was disrupted! (SLIGHT PAUSE) Nevermind, on with the show. Like I say, plenty to be excited about today. For the next two hours, youll be with me The Captain, playing you all the hits when you need them most. As you may know, today
is the day that eleven days are taken from the calendar. Earlier on in the programme we had our very own Earl of Macclesfield, George Parker, himself on to re-assure listeners that there would be a smooth transition and that nothing could go wrong. Heres what he had to say: VOICE OF DOOM : DONT LET THEM CATCH YOU OR YOU WILL BECOME UNSTUCK IN TIME CALL-IN: As I previously detailed in my extensive case study for parliament entitled, 'Remarks Upon the Solar and Lunar Years, the Cycles of 19 Years, Commonly Called the Golden Number, the Epact and the Method of Finding the Time of Easter, as it is Now Observed in Most Parts of Europe' Its very simple really - in order to catch up with Europe and the rest of the world 11 days must be taken off; removed from existence. For the good of industry and commerce in Britain we must have the same time as the rest of the world. There are a great many opportunities to make money, and Britain is leading the way in making the most of it. By removing the eleven days from the calendar we will catch up with the rest of the world and all time will be the same. No; We will overtake them - we can by our very industry compete against them and sell them more goods - by golly we could even sell them things that they didnt even know they needed! That is how we become big and powerful. To all those people who are afraid of what might happen I say, POPPYCOCK. Stop getting

your panties in a twist! Nothing will change, only what is written on the calendar. Just think about nice things, pretty things - little lambs , flowers and beautiful rolling countryside, and in no time Im sure itll be as if nothing happened. Tomorrow will be the 14th of September and everything will be lovely - fine and dandy. Have a pleasant 2nd September and a lovely 14th September and Im sure well all get along just fine. See you on the other side...

PRESENTER: That was the Earl of Macclesfield talking to us just before. Do you agree with him? Eleven Days are going to be removed and taken off the calendar Today is 2nd September, and tomorrow will be the 14th September. Fascinating! VOICE OF DOOM : Go to marlborough court and find the old lady and her shop but

dont eat anything she offers find the in-date tin and gain a day
VOICE OF DOOM : DONT GET TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS OR YOU WILL BECOME UNSTUCK IN TIME

SONG:

BEIRUT - ELEPHANT GUN

PRESENTER: How do you you feel about the eleven days being taken off the calendar? What do you use to tell the time? We want listeners to ring in and tell us their anecdotes about time. How is the change in days going to affect you? We want your stories. People are getting pretty nervous out there...people just dont know what to expect.

SO WE THOUGHT WED GET YOU IN THE MOOD WITH a little bit of Buddy Holly, Thatll be the day... SONG: Buddy Holly - Thatll be the day PRESENTER: And just a note to listeners that we are in no way suggesting that today will be the day that you die... So on with the show; As you might have heard ,11 days are going to be taken off the the year this month starting from today as Britain prepares to change to the Gregorian Calendar. TOMORROW WILL BE THE 14TH OF September. Eleven Days are going to be removed and taken off the calendar. Today is 2nd September. Tomorrow will be the 14th September. VOICE OF DOOM: GO TO SPARROW PARK AND FIND THE LOCAL ANORAK TO GAIN A DAY. GO QUICK OR HE WILL DISAPPEAR...

While weve been on air weve had several texts in from people telling us how time has affected them.... What day is it? Asks George Davies from Henbury, I feel like Ive been asleep my whole life!. Ha, well George I know what youre saying sometimes you just feel like youve been in a daydream and you need to break out of it... Ha thats funny how did she know that? Ive been in a daydream says carol from Narnia ...adding pink lights blue lights its all too beautiful.And interestingly, shes ended it saying, Am I really texting you? Some really interesting messages from all you guys out there - it sounds like some of you have had the wool pulled over your eyes? Youd almost think it was april fools day! Keep em coming in folks. Voice of doom: THERES A MAN WITH A SIGN SAYING FREEZE HE ONLY MOVES WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE STOPS FREEZE IN A SHAPE AND GAIN A DAY LOOK FOR THE MOURNING MOTHER IN ICELAND SHE IS LOOKING FOR HER BOY WHO IS FROZEN IN TIME FIND HIM AND YOU WILL GAIN A DAY GO QUICK SHE MIGHT DEFROST

Heres another one: Ive had wool pulled over my eyes says Brent from Macc Its like someone has put miracle grow on my beard. I only shaved yesterday: I woke up expecting a bit of morning shadow and found my beard was almost ten feett long and wrapped around my bedside lamp... And my finger nails - do yoi no how difkult it is to send a text message when your finger nails bend around your hands?! And weve got a slightly more coded one from someone in Hell who says,I know what will happen next... (PUZZLED) ...youd better get out while you still can... get to the Christ Church... Dont delay... Find the days and save yourself. Wow! Theres always a few prophets of doom... Yes, as reported theres already been a lot of anxiety across Macclesfield about what will happen with the removal of the eleven days. Without sounding condescending - borrowing the words of Michael Winner - Calm Down Dears!, Its me Captain passing you, the listener, messages of peace and tranquility:

SONG: TIME OF THE SEASON- THE ZOMBIES

VOICE OF DOOM : DONT GET TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS OR YOU WILL BECOME unSTUCK IN TIME

PRESENTER: In fact weve got a caller from Gawsworth on the line whos just called us... Hello Mrs Lovett? CALL-IN I thought Id better ring in... Well I dont know quite how to say this... But it appears to be getting dark here. Ive never seen anything like this before. Its very beautiful you know, Having sunset at this time... But Im not really used to going to bed this early... I mean it says its 1 o clock in the afternoon by my watch... But its definitely getting dark... Better go now... I suppose wed better put the cows in the shed... Nighty night. PRESENTER: That was Mrs Lovett reporting on what sounds like a very strange occurrence happening in Gawsworth at the moment. If youre heading that way in any type of vehicle be sure to put your lights on. I must say Ive never heard of anything like that before... But anyway, back to the discussion... The time is... Hang on a minute, the time is 3.11 pm by my watch, which I think might have just stopped... Hello youre on Slide Time and Hello youre on slide time and Hello youre on slide time and Were asking the question: How do you see time? How do you see time? How do you see time? Do you see time differently from everybody else? Do you see time differently from everyone else? We welcome your welcome your comments for the discussion. Let us know what you think. We welcome your welcome your comments for the discussion. Let us know what you think. BACKWARDS We welcome your welcome your comments for the discussion

VOICE OF DOOM : DONT LET THEM CATCH YOU OR YOU WILL BECOME UNSTUCK IN TIME !

PRESENTER: Weve got a bit of an echo - bit of an echo - in the studio - in the studio and weve got - weve got - another caller - another caller - So we have another caller and this time slightly earlier than usual its our regular traffic informer, Howard... I mean Spotter.

CALL-IN Hi Captain. Spotter here. Yes Ive rang slightly earlier than I normally would. Just thought Id ring you as I do every day, but slightly earlier with an update of how traffics looking this side at the roundabout where the Silk Rd meets Tescos. Well Dave (I mean Captain), normally Id say that the traffic is running the same as usual... but... I dont know what to say. Its not the usual. At the moment weve got a lot of confusion.... Erm, well what can I say? Traffic is moving backwards! Weve got a row of twenty cars reversing in a perfect line from the left side of Jordangate back into Hibel Road. At the same time several cars are filing backwards from Hibel Road into Beech Lane. I mean, it seems to be quite safe really there are no accidents occurring... its... its quite beautiful really... Like a beautiful ballet of cars, yes a motor ballet! Except, that they are definitely all moving backwards. Theres this weird look of bewilderment on the faces of motorists, some have turned around but none seem to be in control of their vehicles. We would have expected the police to have arrived to have setup some sort of temporary measure, but only minutes ago a police riot van reversed at great speed back out of chestergate, back down Hibel Road and up towards the police station, and it didnt look like they could stop. I must report ,there are times when it is indeed very good to be a pedestrian. Even a pedestrian with a love of motor vehicles...Very beautiful... Very, very beautfiul

PRESENTER: Well what can I say? Previously I was advising motorists to keep their lights on, now I think it may be a good idea if you dont drive at all! There it is then, the latest news; Backwards traffic down at tescos! SLIDE TIME JINGLE

THE PRESENTERS SPEECH BEGINS SLOWED DOWN AND STRANGESOUNDING.

PRESENTER: You are listening to The Captain on Canal Side Radio 102.8 FM (CLEARS THROAT. SPEECH RETURNS TO NORMAL). Sorry there listeners. My voice is sounding pretty strange on the air today. What a day we all seem to be having! Any more weird goings on for you guys? Wed love to hear from you. Remember you can give me a call on our number, or send me a message by text or email. Happy listening Macclesfield!

Interlude section:

SONG: RIDE ON TIME- BLACK BOX

5 seconds

can you hear that?

CAN YOU HEAR THAT?

Theres a kind of ...

I can hear the sound of cheering and bells ringing but I couldnt be sure Ive heard them before were those the bells of christ church ? it sounded like...

TICKING CLOCK SOUND [clock ticking - getting louder - passing over like a wave - get really loud]

CHEERING SOUND [sound of cheering ] -

BELL RINGING SOUND

VOICE OF DOOM : GET BACK THE ELEVEN DAYS AND TAKE THEM TO CHRIST CHURCH ONLY THEN WILL YOU BE RELEASED FROM TIME

SONG: ITAL TEK - STRANGELOVE VIP

PRESENTER: (MUCH MORE PANICKED) Can you hear me?! News just in: Macclesfield is in the midst of a time explosion. Times are changing and Im becoming unstuck in time. It appears that taking eleven days off the year has had an effect on the workings of time itself. We are all behind time. I repeat, it appears that taking eleven days off the year has effected something. Find the people across the town with time on their hands... I repeat, it appears that taking eleven days off the year has had an effect on the workings of time itself I repeat, find the people with time on their hands - but dont get caught yourself! [repeat]

TICKING SOUND (TICKING GETTING LOUDER AND LOUDER UNTIL WORDS CANNOT BE HEARD)

MUSIC VOICE OF DOOM GET BACK THE ELEVEN DAYS AND TAKE THEM TO CHRIST CHURCH ONLY THEN WILL YOU BE RELEASED FROM TIME. THERES AN EGYPTIAN MUMMY WALKING BACKWARDS ROUND WEST PARK - STOP

HIM UNWRAPPING AND GAIN A DAY. THE FISH FINGER BOY HAS LOST HIS MUMMY. GET HER BACK FOR HIM BY SHOUTING LOUDLY AND GAIN A DAY

CYNTHIAS HAVING HER BIRTHDAY NEAR THE GROSVENOR CENTRE ON ONE OF THE MISSING DAYS. GO TO HER PARTY AND GAIN A DAY.

GET BACK THE ELEVEN DAYS AND TAKE THEM TO CHRIST CHURCH ONLY THEN WILL YOU BE RELEASED FROM TIME.

LIVE INTERLUDE

Part 2

(THE RADIO PROGRAMME STARTS AGAIN FROM THE BEGINNING)

SONG Ride On Time - Blackbox [20 SECONDS]

PRESENTER: So good morning Macclesfield. its the 2nd OF September 1752, and the time is 3.11pm - AND YOURE LISTENING TO SLIDE TIME WITH ME, The Captain on Canalside Radio, 102.8 FM. SLIDE TIME JINGLE As we hope youre aware, 11 days are going to be taken off the the year this month starting from today, as Britain prepares to change to the Gregorian Calendar. Yes no longer will the year start when little lambs and flowers appear on the pennines. Youd better get watches and a diary while your at it too, the times are a changing! TOMORROW WILL BE THE 14TH OF September. Theres been much speculation and excitement about what might happen. Many people have publicly stated that changing the calendar may have unknown side effects on how we view time. Today were asking you the listener; How does time affect you? Are you pressed for time? Do you have enough hours in the day? OR Do you spend your time with your head buried in the sand? Wed like to know your thoughts. You can send us messages on _________________ Let us know how time affects you.....

SLIDE TIME JINGLE Remember Macclesfield; wherever you are, whoever you are, whenever you are, its time to tune in and zone out to slide time, as we begin our journey into todays show.
Earlier on in the programme, we had our very own Earl of Macclesfield, George Parker, himself on to re-assure listeners that there would be a smooth transition and that nothing could go wrong. Heres what he had to say: What have I done? I never expected this. Please! I can see the pretty lights - the people with the glasses theyre going to swallow me up... Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

PRESENTER (UNFAZED BY COMMENTS ALMOST NOT LISTENING): That was the Earl of

Macclesfield talking to us just before. Do you think we should be worried? Do you agree with his sentiments? How is the change in days going to affect you? We want your stories about time. People are getting pretty nervous out there... people just dont know what to expect. SO WE THOUGHT WED GET YOU IN THE MOOD WITH a little bit of music from back in the day

SONG: GIVE ME JUST A LITTLE MORE TIME- CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD

VOICE OF DOOM : YOU ARE GETTING UNSTUCK IN TIME - DONT GET TIME ON YOUR HANDS THE FISH FINGER BOY HAS LOST HIS MUMMY GET HER BACK FOR HIM BY SHOUTING LOUDLY AND GAIN A DAY

PRESENTER: The wonderful Chairman of the Board there with Give Me Just a Little More Time. Weve had a couple of messages already from you listeners about a strange phenomenon...a ticking sound that seems to have got listeners texting in... Ian in Tytherington has just sent in a text saying Hey Captain! I was just having my Sunday lunch with my grandma- Aw, how lovely -when a strange ticking sound began coming from our TV, radio, and house phone! How strange... Mm, thanks for that Ian. Sue all the way in Knutsford also wrote in to tell us that she was on the phone to her friend when the line went dead and was replaced by the noise of a clock. She phoned her friend back, but her friend didnt hear a thing. What a coincidence! Sue, I think youre probably just going mad- You daft cow! Only joking.
Also in the centre of Macclesfield at the heritage centre again; a loud a ticking noise coming from somewhere nearby. If you are passing that way anytime soon see if you can hear it... We want answers... No, we need answers! So its me the captain reporting on the strange phenomenon of eleven missing days. [ laughing ] But in the words of Lance-Corporal Jones in Dads Army, Dont panic dont panic (I said dont panic - no really dont panic) dont panic dont panic i said dont panic dont panic dont panic dont panic i said dont panic dont panic

SONG: THE TIME IS NOW- MOLOKO

VOICE OF DOOM : CAN YOU FIND THE BUSKERS PLAYING DIFFERENT MUSICAL NUMBERS OUT OF TIME WATCH THEM AND GAIN A DAY

PRESENTER: At least everything appears to be running smoothly here at SLIDE TIME. Eleven days are being taken off the calendar, but believe me, everything is going to be alright... And weve got our first caller on the line hopefully with some good news. Edna ringing from Bollington, the place time forgot (haha). Edna? CALL-IN: ...Well I think its quite rude of you to say that Bollington is the place that time forgot. That is a slur that our town has been trying to shrug off for many years now. No, let me get to the point David. I didnt call you about the childish rivalries between our two towns...Mr Prufrock from 49 walks past my door approximately 3.11 pm every afternoon on his way from walking his dog and buying the late edition of the newspaper. So far today I have seen Mr Prufrock walk past my door at least twenty times. Oh and there he goes again! Yes - he must be running round the block. Oh there he is again! Oh and again, his dog... Mr Prufrock - Mr Prufrock...! No hes disappeared. Mr Prufrock is a very elderly gentleman, but he would appear to be moving faster than Usain Bolt! I do know that he attends a gym, but he only really goes for bums and tums. No that would not explain it. I would have to say that Mr Prufrock is stuck in some sort of magnetic field... or time loop. I was for some while an avid reader of science fiction and something pataphysical is certainly to blame for this!

PRESENTER: So there we have it guys. My theory that Bollington operates outside of the normal rules of science has been proved! And we have a particularly apt song: SONG - THERE SHE GOES - THE LAS VOICE OF DOOM : CYNTHIAS HAVING HER BIRTHDAY NEAR THE GROSVENOR CENTRE ON ONE OF THE MISSING DAYS - GO TO HER PARTY AND GAIN A DAY

PRESENTER: Indeed well be catching up with Edna later on to get an update on whether Mr Prufrock is still going again. Its 3.11pm here and its going to be a lovely day. Were asking how the 11 missing days are going to affect you. And in fact we have another caller who is very upset; Yes, Jenny, are you there? CALL-IN Yes... Its my birthday on the 7th September, at least it was going to be until that nasty Earl of Macclesfield made it so the days went missing. Its normally my birthday every 7th September. It never changes so I thought Id organise a party and all of my friends were invited for 6 o clock. Id made a cake with lovely icing and now Ive been told that the 7th of September doesnt exist and I cant have a party! Well ! I want my birthday back and a new party dress. How would you

like it if you had no birthday!? I know that some people would like to have one less year added on to their age, but I think its quite important to have an extra year added otherwise how would you know how old you are?

PRESENTER: ...Thank you listener. That was jenny - most upset about missing her birthday with some good pointers there. What can we trust, if we cant trust time? Especially if it ruins your favourite day of the year? Any weddings, funerals bar mitzvahs affected by the eleven missing days, how have the days being taken off the calendar affected you? We want to know? And straight away we have a caller. Hello caller!

CALL-IN : Hello. Id just like to announce that I Earnest Merryweather am here and nothing has changed. I mean, its a disgrace! I am me ! Do you hear me ? I am me! And Im the only one. Look, I know theres been people pretending to be me shopping in marks and spencer... I dont shop in marks & spencers! there was one of me holding up the natwest bank when I walked past,but its not me! I wouldnt do that. IM NOT THAT KIND OF PERSON... Did I invite them to be me? No. I just want to tell listeners that I am me.... I am me! [cut-off] PRESENTER: Someone fix me a stiff drink.

SONG: CHESNEY HAWKES - ONE AND ONLY VOICE OF DOOM : THERES AN EGYPTIAN MUMMY WALKING BACKWARDS ROUND WEST PARK - STOP HIM UNWRAPPING AND GAIN A DAY.

LIVE INTERLUDE

Part 3

PRESENTER: If youve only just joined us, youre listening to The Captain on Canal Side Radio. The time is 5:00am and what a show weve been ha Oh that cant be right. Sorry I think the studio clock is broken. Erm, Ill let you know the time when I have it fixed. (TICKING STARTS) Oh, sorry listeners, if youve only just joined us, we appear to be having a few problems with the sound quality at the moment. Youll just have to bear with me while we work on it. Weve got an unknown caller, where are you calling from mate? Im inside the freezers... theres lots of boxes all around me between the scampi and the fish fillets its buy one get one free! No! Im in danger and nectar points to barcelaona i dont want to be eaten

PRESENTER (tries to put down phone) CALL-IN - Nectar points from Barcelona

I dont want to be eaten PRESENTER Anyway thankyou. Lets check the messages Ah, Sita in Cheadle has just texted in to say: Dear Captain. All the songs that youre playing seem to all be about time. Please can you play something with a different subject. Yes, well, sorry there Sita. I didnt realise that I was doing that. Weird Why is everything going wrong today!? Perhaps the show is cursed, ha! Ok, so this is for you then Sita in Cheddleton - a song, written by a personal hero of mine actually, that has completely nothing to do with the concept of time SONG: TIME AFTER TIME- CYNDI LAUPER TOWARDS THE END THE SONG SLOWS DOWN TO AN ALMOST INCOMPREHENSIBLE SPEED. AT THIS POINT, IT CUTS OUT. TICKING SOUND RESUMES IN THE STUDIO BUT AT A LOWER VOLUME. IT WILL REMAIN THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE SHOW.
VOICE OF DOOM : THE COMEDIAN IS BURIED IN THE SAND - HIS JOKES ARE SO BAD HE MIGHT NEED A HAND - HES BEEN THERE SO LONG NOW HE DOESNT KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS HELP HIM AND GAIN A DAY

PRESENTER: Ok. So we really are having trouble today! Apologies for yet another time-related song! It appears that the mixer has a mind of its own this afternoon. I did want to play Celine Dions beautiful My Heart Will Go On! Lots of complaints coming in about the ticking sound. Sorry if youve just tuned in, we may just have to bear with it for the time being. If anyone else out there is experiencing any funny goings on, then do let me know. Remember you can get hold of me, The Captain, by phone, text or email. Weve also been getting lots of reports of young people parading around

Macclesfield wearing sunglasses. Apparently theyre chasing and terrorising the good people of Macclesfield, so Ive been asked to warn you all to watch out! Scary. Ok then, the time is Oh, the clocks are still broken. The time is probably around 4.11?

Lets hear from Sally with the News

A WOMAN WITH A VERY FORMAL AND BLAND VOICE BEGINS SPEAKING. SALLY: Thanks Captain. Good afternoon, Im Sally Line. A train said to have departed from London in 1972 has just arrived at Macclesfield train station earlier this afternoon. Passengers are severely disgruntled and believe the date to be the 19th June 1972. All 35 passengers are currently complaining to National rail. One particular passenger, Mr Godfrey S. Billington, claims to be a man who died over 7 years ago. National Rail and Macclefield Transport Services are dealing with this unusual arrival. John Seymour of National Rail released this statement earlier today: (MIDDLE AGED MANS VOICE) We apologise for the inconvienience caused to all passengers on the June 1972 10.37 London train service to Macclefield. We can confirm that all passengers are safe and well, and are currently in the process of contacting loved ones and relatives. We will be offering complimentary soft-drinks, teas and coffees to all those affected by this 39 year, and 20 minute delay. I apologise on behalf of National Rail for any inconvenience caused, and we will be looking into the causes of the delay as soon as possible.

An unknown boy, of around 7 years old, from (INSERT PLACE NAME HERE) has been administered to Macclesfield District General Hospital Psychiatric Ward this afternoon claiming to be the 53 year old father of three, Ian Jenkins. The boy, who was first seen coming down to breakfast this morning in the kitchen of Mr Jenkins house was taken the hospital by Mr Jenkins wife Donna. Donna claims that the child was wearing Mr Jenkins pajamas, dressing gown and slippers and was extremely surprised when seeing himself in the bathroom mirror, exclaiming Crikey Donna! Dont I look young today. The boy, who remains adamant that Donna Jenkins is wife and that Mr Jenkins house is his rightful property, is still being investigated by Cheshire police as to his actual identity. In other news, a lady has been spotted in Marlborough Court selling goods consisting solely of out of date tinned food. The public are advised to keep well away from her at all costs unless they are prepared to find the one item amongst her wares that is

apparently not out of date. Some eye-witnesses claim that the woman is prepared to give away some mysterious pieces of valuable information to anyone who can help her find her single in-date can of baked beans.

And todays weather: The majority of Macclesfield will remain relatively sunny today, with brief intervals of light showers, hail, snow, heavy showers, earthquakes, tsunamis, floods, general acts of god, meteorite impacts, volcano eruptions and mild winds. A mexican wave is also expected through the town centre at about 4 o clock this afternoon. The public are advised to wrap up warm when leaving the house today, and not to forget their umbrella when walking to the shops. Thats all from me, Sally Line. Well keep you updated with the days stories as they unfold.

PRESENTER: Thanks Sally. Thats quite a weather report... Brace yourselves guys everywhere. Youre with me the captain listening to SLIDE TIME. SLIDE TIME JINGLE Lets return to the question thats been on everybodys tits; How are the missing eleven days affecting you? Is there anything else you are missing? All im gonna say guys is dont lose your heads out there people. Theres been a number of reports of a loud ticking, and heres another one: it SEEMS like a bomb is about to go off! now this is a great one; Sharon from Hurdsfield just texted us to say, Captain, my dog Eric is ticking - I dont know what it is hes eaten. He seemed perfectly fine yesterday. Now I dont know whether you guys are having a practical joke with me or what but were getting a lot of reports in and around the Macc area of a loud ticking. You guys are starting to scare me.

[LOUD TICKING BEGINS] Well I cant hear anything. Well this next tune goes out to Sharons Dog... SONG : Yesterday by the Beatles

VOICE OF DOOM: GET THE DAYS QUICKLY QUICKLY YOU NEED ELEVEN DAYS THEN GO TO THE CHRISTCHURCH BUT WHAT EVER YOU DO DONT GET TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS PRESENTER: That was of course the Beatles harking back and wishing things were different - well you know what guys, its all change today. The times are a changing,as eleven days get taken off the year. Steven says its like Macclesfield is a dam and time is flooding out of it... Very profound Steven. While Vick reports Ive just seen some very unhappy morris dancers who cant keep in time near the heritage centre - no matter what they do - they cant keep in time they go to hit sticks and hit each other - somebody should do something to help them

Remember, tomorrow will be September the 14th and we here at Slide Time are asking you the listener how is the change in days going to affect you? Another caller - a Morris Minor - Morris are you there?

CALL-IN [idiom prank caller] dyou know something captain ? make my day, all in a day's work - all the livelong day - Don't give up the day job!
ha ha ha Every dog has its day first see the light of day from day one from day to day give the time of day

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha get to the metronome theres a giant metronome in west park [puts the phone down]

PRESENTER: Well whoever that was prank calling the show, I hope you feel big and important and you know what? Youre not particularly funny - weve got more pressing matters - in fact than listening to you going on. Today seems to be a practical joke to some people - when we are running a serious discussion. Another message from Andrew in New Zealand -Oh its great that people are using that podcast - which is available online- He says, Why are you always repeating yourself? Ive known cockatoos with a bigger vocabulary than you! All you commercial radio stations are the same parrotting on and playing the same bird brained songs. Pull yourself together - whats wrong with you!? Well Andrew, as far as I know I have not been repeating myself - Here at Slide Time we pride ourself on giving you the freshest sounds and the best chat this side of cheshire.

Moving on swiftly, in another text from much closer afield in Macclesfield, George says, I was eating my boiled egg in my kitchen, as you do, when the bloody thing flew away. Has this ever happened to other listeners? TICKING SOUNDS VOICE OF DOOM LAUGHING SONG: 3 AM ETERNAL by KLF SONG: MF DOOM - BELLS OF DOOM

Part 4

THE PLAY BEGINS AGAIN (FOR THE THIRD TIME)

SONG: RIDE ON TIME - 10 seconds PRESENTER: So good morning Macclesfield, its the 2nd OF September 1752 and the time is 3.11pm - AND YOURE LISTENING TO SLIDE TIME WITH ME the captain on canalside radio 102.8 FM. SLIDE TIME JINGLE As we hope youre aware, 11 days are going to be taken off the the year this month starting from today as Britain prepares to change to the Gregorian Calendar. Youd better get watches and a diary while your at it too, the times are a changing. TOMORROW WILL BE THE 14TH OF September. Theres been much speculation and excitement about what might happen. Many people have publicly stated that changing the calendar may have unknown side effects on how we view time. Today were asking you the listener; How does time affect you? Wed like to know your thought. You can send us messages on _________________ Let us know how time affects you... Earlier on in the programme we had our very own Earl of Macclesfield, George Parker, himself on to re-assure listeners; heres what he had to say: ...Just a moment... Sorry listeners the strangest thing it seems that the Earl of Macclesfield, George Parker is back in the studio! Though neither me nor anyone else knows quite why... Earl? I didnt see you come through the door... Earl? The Earl is staring at me - his face is somewhere between smiling and growling... [PRESENTER STARTS SHOUTING as if trying to escape] LOUD DEEP LAUGHING ENSUES SONG Ride On Time - Blackbox (20 seconds)

VOICE OF DOOM : UNSTUCK UNSTUCK UNSTUCK UNSTUCK UNSTUCK

GO TO DUKES COURT AND FIND THE MAN WHO IS STARING. HE WILL SHOW YOU THE WAY TO THE DAYS. LOOK FOR THE PEOPLE WITH TIME ON THEIR HANDS AND GET THE DAYS FROM THEM BUT BE QUICK SOME WILL TURN. SOME WILL EVEN DISAPPEAR. TAKE THE DAYS TO CHRIST CHURCH. TO SAVE THE DAYS. GO TO SPARROW PARK AND FIND THE LOCAL ANORAK TO GAIN A DAY. GO QUICK OR HE WILL DISAPPEAR. DONT GET TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS OR YOU WILL BECOME STUCK IN TIME. COMPARE WATCHES WITH THE WHITE VAN MAN IN DUKES COURT CAR PARK. GRAB A BARGAIN AND YOU MIGHT GAIN A DAY. GET BACK THE ELEVEN DAYS AND TAKE THEM TO CHRIST CHURCH ONLY THEN WILL YOU BE RELEASED FROM TIME. THERES AN EGYPTIAN MUMMY WALKING BACKWARDS ROUND WEST PARK - STOP HIM UNWRAPPING AND GAIN A DAY. THE FISH FINGER BOY HAS LOST HIS MUMMY. GET HER BACK FOR HIM BY SHOUTING LOUDLY AND GAIN A DAY

CYNTHIAS HAVING HER BIRTHDAY NEAR THE GROSVENOR CENTRE ON ONE OF THE MISSING DAYS. GO TO HER PARTY AND GAIN A DAY. THE COMEDIAN IS BURIED IN THE SAND - HIS JOKES ARE SO BAD HE MIGHT NEED A HAND - HES BEEN THERE SO LONG NOW HE DOESNT KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS HELP HIM AND GAIN A DAY.

GET THE DAYS QUICKLY. YOU NEED ELEVEN DAYS, THEN GO TO THE CHRISTCHURCH BUT WHAT EVER YOU DO DONT GET TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS.

SONG: GLOBAL COMMUNICATION - 14.31

SONG: THE FINAL COUNTDOWN- EUROPE

PRESENTER: The Final Countdown there from Europe, and a thank you to Sally for her final countdown of the days events SALLY: (BACKGROUND. DRYLY.) That wasnt the final update.

PRESENTER: Erm, moving on. Sorry there listeners, there appears to be a problem with the sound desk at the moment. For some reason it is overriding the songs I have cued up. We do apologise for this technical glitch as it will unfortunately mean that we are unable to take requests during todays show. What a day were having. So far weve had tons of responses from you all with some of your own stories of funny goings on this afternoon. Hannah in Rainow says that shes just witnessed a golden retriever dressed as a nun eating garibaldi biscuit slice outside TESCOS whilst walking backwards! Fancy that! Lots of people texting in at the moment about the ticking noiseseems like lots of listeners are hearing the ticking coming from various household appliances: weve got toasters, TVs, fish tanks, hairdryers; Anita in Congleton even says she can hear it coming from her alarm clock! Spooky. Ive got a caller on the line who is phoning in to tell us a strange story of his own today Hi Gerald! GERALD: (AS IF ON PHONE. HE SOUNDS VERY CONFUSED. HE IS SLIGHTLY DIM.) Hello. (PAUSE)

PRESENTER: What is it thats been bothering you today then Gerald? GERALD: Well er basically it started with that ticking noise you were talking about earlier PRESENTER: Right. GERALD: And er me and my son in law couldnt work out where it was coming from right? PRESENTER: Got ya. GERALD: So we looked all over the house but we couldnt find anything. We looked in the garden to see if it was coming from outside and well its hard to explain PRESENTER: Where was it coming from? GERALD: Well at first we couldnt see it, and then we looked behind the garage and it seemed to be getting louder PRESENTER: And what was it? GERALD: And lying on the floor we could see the neighbours cat, Ralph. And instead of legs, where his legs should be right?, he seemed to have these long black sticks jerking out and moving slowly round his body, every second like. As if they werent cats legs at all as if they were hands PRESENTER: Hands? GERALD: Like the hands you get on a clock ticking away, cracking the bones as they went round slowly ticking (PAUSE) So, we took it to the nearest vet, and shed never seen anything like it either. Although, when they did an X-ray, they found a load of watches in little Ralphs stomach. It turns out that hed been eating pocket watches all morning Might have had something to do with it. (PAUSE) PRESENTER: Did you take a picture? GERALD: No.

PRESENTER: Cripes! Well I hope hes ok? GERALD: Hell be alright. PRESENTER: Ok then, thanks Gerald. This next ones for you. Hope your neighbours cat gets better!

SONG: TIME IS ON MY SIDE- THE ROLLING STONES TOWARDS THE END OF THE SONG, IT SLOWS DOWN TO BECOME ALMOST UNRECOGNISABLE.

PRESENTER: And weve got another caller; Mrs. KATONA from Iceland. Oh I see from outside Iceland, not the country.

CALL-IN: The time... it all makes sense... its the time you see and its changing. You see, my boy hes gone missing. But hes not missing; hes been frozen in time- frozen at iceland. He was there with me when we did our shopping... I mean, I was in iceland one minute and the next thing... the next thing he was gone. I looked everywhere. I even got the shop assistants to look for him. They did a special announcement on the tannoy and that, but nothing. Id seen him there the way that he looked at those freezers; he always wanted to get in those freezers, its like he wanted to be frozen in time- like hed had enough. Your too old for that, I says, your a grown up now. Hes still not come out of those freezers, he was 6ft 2 with brown hair so I was sure Id find him, but nothing. Its been so long. I gave me other kids their tea- Brendan, 26 and Bernard, 48. Suddenly I says, stop eating to them. It all made sense. I knew where hed gone. Hed changed; changed appearance- even changed species- and there and then I checked everyone of those turkey twizzlers to see if it was him on their plates... The next day I went back and checked every pack and kept vigils at the store. Ive visited those freezers everyday, and I checked until they finally had me removed by security! If youre there boy, just shout and ill come, wherever you are, you know that. Im outside Iceland. If youre inside the freezers just knock on the window and Ill be there. Ive visited there every day since but I wont lay flowers. I wont believe that hes passed over; he is there somewhere! SON ! Son ! We need you with us. Its so much warmer out here, come and stay with us... We can defrost you and everything... We love you and we want you back...

PRESENTER: There you have it - if youre out there wherever you are son of Mrs Lady - your mum is waiting for you - she misses you and she wants you home... Thank you Mrs Lady... Now weve got a request here from Anonymous von Bosch by text message. Hes appealing to listeners. Heres the text - it says: Please, if you could find the nervous lady sitting in the chair, everyone else around her has disappeared, DISAPPEARED!!!! Hes put lots of exclamation marks by that, All that s left are their clothes, jewellery and dentures. Things have got a little bit freaky for her. Put some of their clothes on and pretend to be them, only then will she speak to you and you might gain a day... And we have another caller: Hello caller on line 3? CALL-IN CALLER: Yes, Id like to just say I think your reporting of todays events has been absolutely top notch. PRESENTER: Thank you caller CALLER: Yes, Id also like to mention I was just walking through the park and noticed the pigeons making an awful mess leaving crumbs everywhere. I think the whole park has gone rather wrong PRESENTER: Excuse me? CALLER: Yes theyre just spitting out bits of bread all over the place. Also they seem to be sucking things up into their erm.. PRESENTER: Their what sorry? CALLER: Their erm rear ends. PRESENTER: Im sorry I really dont follow you CALLER: Yes its all very strange.. Oh good god what on earth??! PRESENTER: Whats the matter caller? CALLER: Ive just seen a drunk homeless man on the park bench.. doing... what i think was vomitting, except hes gone a bit wrong as well... Oh god, sorry im going to have to go now, I feel rather ill.. whats that on the ground? OH GOD NOT ME AS WELL! PLEA--(END OF CALL TONE)

PRESENTER: Oh listeners wonderful news we have a surprise caller - a Mr Cod-battered. CALL-IN CALLER: Hi, Id like to speak to my mum please. I just heard her on your show. Im by the jail just round the corner from Iceland. I didnt want to stay by the freezers it were too cold... MUM ! MUM ! IM HERE... (HEAR THE HAPPY RE-UNION LIVE ON AIR)

PRESENTER: Would you believe it chaps ? Thats the power of live radio. A family - a mother and a son are re-united. what will the future hold for them - how will they get through all the problems they face in the future? Can a mother ever truly love a fish finger in the same way as her son? Only time will tell.

Hi weve got Ivor on the line - Ivor Just Begun CALL-IN [idiom prank caller] dyou know something captain ?
order of the day pass the time of day plain as day hard days night Rome wasn't built in a day save for a rainy day see the light of day seize the day That'll be the day! ha ha ha bad hair day a field day Don't give up the day job! give the time of day go ahead, make my day have had its day

haven't got all day live to fight another day in the cold light of day in this day and age It'll be a cold day in hell It'll be a long day in January late in the day day to day

ha ha ha ha ha [PUTS THE PHONE DOWN] PRESENTER: Could I just apologise to the listeners again for that un called for interruption its a very worrying time for some people out there and I know that they do not appreciate being played with in this manner.

THE FOLLOWING RECORDING IS BEING MADE AS PART OF THE ELEVEN MISSING DAYS A STREET GAME NOW GOING ON AROUND MACCLESFIELD TOWN CENTRE AS PART OF BARNABY FESTIVAL. IT IS IN NO WAY TO BE BELIEVED - THE YEAR IS 2011 IT IS NOT 1752 THE DATE IS 19TH JUNE 2011 IT IS NOT SEPTEMBER 2ND 1752 AND ELEVEN DAYS HAVE NOT BEEN TAKEN OFF THE CALENDAR THE FOLLOWING RECORDING IS BEING MADE AS PART OF THE ELEVEN MISSING DAYS A STREET GAME NOW GOING ON AROUND MACCLESFIELD TOWN CENTRE AS PART OF BARNABY FESTIVAL. IT IS IN NO WAY TO BE BELIEVED - THE YEAR IS 2011 IT IS NOT 1752 THE DATE IS 19TH JUNE 2011 IT IS NOT SEPTEMBER 2ND 1752 AND ELEVEN DAYS HAVE NOT BEEN TAKEN OFF THE CALENDAR

PRESENTER: The time is... erm. There now follows an announcement from the home secretary as she addresses the entire nation on a state of some urgency: HOME SEC: So theres been a lot of talk today about how everything is not quite as lined up as it should be. Some things seem to be happening then, then not then but then then, but not then then. What we must remember is not to lose our heads about this. There are reports of some people running around Macclesfield attempting to somehow fix this course of events and getting into all sorts of bother in the process. I would urge anyone with any time related concerns or feeling any adverse effects of the clock off, to stay at home, lock your doors, check the use by dates of any food you eat, and wait for a call from the authorities informing you of when the clock off is completely over. This will recquire patience, but I repeat, do not leave your homes. It is not safe. It will be over soon.

I have just heard word that the all clear has already been issued in many areas.. For those people, you would have heard this call 11 days ago and therefore you are now safe. Do not interact with those still contaminated or you will be at risk. For all others who have not received the all clear, please follow the official precautionary advice. I repeat, do not leave your homes, repeat, do not leave your homes repeat do not leave your homes repeat do not leave your homes repeat etc...............................

PRESENTER: And now a word from our resident Philosopher, Eddie, on what on earth is going on. EDDIE: There are some things we have experienced that have not yet happened and some things that have happened that we have not yet experienced. Convergent narratives presented with the basis of construction become mere stories, interpretations with no basis in truth, truth thus has no foundation, languishes, the lens of untruth shapes everything as no-shape. So form, from where does it spring? Spring from where does it form? When does spring begin ? the 1st January I think not March 26th of course its obvious. Through knowing what links moment to moment, and without a framework of time, there is no form. Time is not sequential but could just as easily be arranged via discursive structure - e.g through the process of argumentation, the performance of certain actions - there is nothing to say what happens when, according to continuance of location, spacing, or physical situation. Just an order could be structured through the framework of another method of linking experience, operating in parallel. Development would indicate the same existing structure, and arguably does in the Time structure even, when accounting for other flows. There is an importance to us in adopting this Time flow over any other, or why do we so readily? Yet when we abandon this flow even momentarily, the whole context becomes fluid and malleable as we have seen today. Equilibrium will be reached once we reestablish our belief in Time as a governing force in the universe, something that the Earl of Macclesfield so violently rejected through his actions earlier today. I think we all deserve an apology. PRESENTER: Thank you Eddie for that brainwashing. Listen up - weve just had more news in; an unmarked man has been reversing anti-clockwise around the church for sometime now witnesses believe hes caught in a time loop. What are they suggesting? Macclesfield! Weve heard much hearsay and heresy about what might happen and frankly I think everybodys gone quite over the top about this. When something big happens like a millenium or a sudden shift its a little bit easy to let the mind wander and your imagination go awol. Im suggesting you all put the kettle on - settle down. close your eyes if it helps - for other people just looking up can be enough - Im sure that it cant be that bad. Eleven days have been taken off the calendar and yes it does seem to have had all sorts of unknown effects on well...everything. We need our days back. Get our days back. Theres not much time... or is there? People are no longer recognisable! Doppelgangers are running around assuming other peoples identities! Some have even disappeared leaving only their clothes, jewellery and

sometime their dentures... Help find our eleven days. We need those days back before its too late... VOICE OF DOOM : HA HA HA HA HA HA HA PRESENTER: Im perfectly fine nothing has happened to me to make me in anyway not fine? Ha, ha, ha, of course I have to repeat myself and so do you too- You will all have to repeat yourselves, unless you can get the days back! PRESENTER AND VOICE OF DOOM (SPEAKING AT ONCE) And that and that echo echo is coming back is coming back except except its not its not an echo echo that echo echo is me ? me? Whos that in the studio ? - whos that in the studio ?

Who is that coming towards me ? Who is that coming towards me ? Its dark its dark [changes to voice of doom] its dark its dark its dark

SOUND: COUNTDOWN

VOICE OF DOOM: : : So good morning Macclesfield. its the 3rd OF September 1752, and youre listening to the voice of doom on SLIDEtime and we are now entering the elveen missing days YOU WILL BE UNSTUCK IN TIME WITH US . YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE. SONG: Yeasayer- 2080 SONG: THOMAS BRYAN - Emotions Remix

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