JOKES

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell crocodile? GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L TEACHER: No, thats wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it s H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn t have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with I. MILLIE: I is TEACHER: No, Millie.. Always say, I am. MILLIE: All right I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didnt punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on My Dog is exactly the same as your brothers. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, teacher, it s the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher

Quote: TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didnt punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. Quote: TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on My Dog is exactly the same as your brothers. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, teacher, it s the same dog. Quote: TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven! "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God says, "That was the screen saver".

~~~~~ Powering up his office computer one morning, my colleague saw a unique error message: "Keyboard undetected." Then he saw how he was supposed to clear the error: "Press any key to continue." ~~~~~ A man and wife were both in an Internet business, but it was the husband who truly lived, ate and breathed computers. His wife finally realized how bad it gotten when one day she was scratching his back, and he said "No, not there. Scroll down a little." What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLologist. __________________ My kids love surfing the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long. "Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters." __________________ If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over! * To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel. * To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. * If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. * When you lose your car keys, click on "find". * To feel like a new person, click on "refresh". A mechanical, electrical and a software engineer from Microsoft were driving through the desert when the car broke down. The mechanical engineer said "It seems to be a problem with the fuel injection system, why don't we pop the hood and I'll take a look at it." To which the electrical engineer replied, "No I think it's just a loose ground wire. I'll get out and take a look." Then, the Microsoft Software engineer jumps in. "No, no, no. If we just close up all the windows, get out, wait a few minutes, get back in, and then reopen the windows everything will work fine." __________________ A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer

should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. __________________ Right Click Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'." __________________

I met an old University friend the other day, who in his youth had professed his desire to become a great writer. When I asked him to define 'great', he had said: "I want to write stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level; stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" Just discovered he's now working for Microsoft...writing error messages. __________________
Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao), L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were travelling in an autorickshaw. They met with an accident and all three of them died. Yama Raja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death. He asks PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN. But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL. Laloo is not at all happy with this decision. He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public positions, etc. Then why the differential treatment? He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre-conceived notions.

Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English test. PVNR is asked to spell " INDIA " and he does it correctly. Advani is asked to spell " ENGLAND " and he too passes. It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell " CZECHOSLOVAKIA ". Laloo protests that he doesn't know English. He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with false intent.

Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal platform for all three). PVNR is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". He writes it easily and passes.

Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes. Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR.... ." Tough one. He fails again.

Laloo is extremely unhappy. Having been a student of history (which the other two weren't),he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history Yama says OK but this would be the last chance and that he would not take any more tests. PVNR is asked: "When did India get Independence ?". He replied "1947" and passed. Advani is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?". He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000. Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes. It's Laloo's turn now. ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died in the struggle. Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.

Moral of the story: IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS NO ESCAPE .....

Simple Question ....Deadly Answers.... Question : You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2 Cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?

Answer No.1 : Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the boat will become LIGHTER........using this LIGHTER you can light the other Cigarette Answer No.2 : You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can light the cigarette. Answer No.3 : Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop...(TIP TIP) "TIP TIP barsa Pani. Pani ne aag lagayee." us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee".
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you,your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda." xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx

A railway station beggar meets another beggar. A software engineer meets another software engineer. Both of them ask the same question to each other. What is the question? "So, which platform are you working on?"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx The Power of Words........ Are your words encouraging??

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.

The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all of their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died. The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time. This story gives us thoughts to think about: 1. An encouraging word to someone who is down can encourage them to achieve their goal. 2. A destructive word to someone who is down can have negative effects. Be careful of what you say. The quote below was sent to me by Master Mark Russell. His quote describes "words" very accurately: "Words: The Snow may look smooth and soft, but the rocks underneath are sharp!" One last point, Are your words encouraging?