102

"Into the Great Wide Open" (whispers) All clear.

Thank you for coming over and for parking a block away and for leaving at 5:00 in the
morning.
Well, what can I say? You're worth it.
I just really want my business to stay my business, you know? I'm not some crazy psycho
chick - who can-- - (dog barking) Go, go, go, go, go, go! Hug the shadows! Hug the shadows! Monster! - Aah! - (laughs) - I am so getting you back.
Don't.
I hate being scared.
Oh.
Why are you even up? Because my stupid baby woke me up.
Better question is why are you wearing full makeup? I'm not ready for Josh to see my
morning face.
So I set 2 alarms-- One at 4:00 and one at 5:00.
I get up and do my hair and makeup.
I go back to bed, fake asleep until the next alarm goes off, and then he thinks I wake up
looking like this.
- Crafty.
- I think so.
Is the sex worth it? I'll have to let you know.
I decided after that last guy to reinstate my 10-date rule.
Oh.
But I should not have let Josh sleep over.
The whole night I spent playing defense.
(makes whooshing noises) - Nice.
- (front door closes) Buenos das, chiquitas.
What are you doing here? Do you not get how divorce works? I gotta give a golf lesson at
6:30, so I'm just gonna steal a cup of coffee.
Well, then okay.
- (Travis yawns) - Oh, morning, honey.
I need to study for my advanced calculus test.
Hey, buddy, you want some help? (all laugh) Yeah, you're right.
Who am I kidding? (door closes) Can you take Stan so I can get ready for work? I'd bring him
in the shower with me, but he always pees on my feet.
- Hey, Bobby! - Hey! - Much love.
Much love.
Mm! - Mm! That's a long hug there, big guy.
- (snores) - Travis! I'm up! What's the deal with the golf cart outside? Mm, my car died, so I
kind of borrowed that from the golf course as, you know, a substitute ride.
- It's a hybrid.
- Genius.
Just 'cause it has a plug, doesn't make it a hybrid.
It hauls ass.

You want a ride to work? Uh, definitely.

Oh, that's not happening.
- (snores) - Travis! Thank you.
I can't believe I am up at 5:00 A.
M.
'cause this idiot dropped his binky.
Before I had my baby, the only time I was ever awake this early was in my 20s, and I was still
up from the night before.
I remember this crazy night that started out in New York and ended up in Miami There I am.
I'm 23 years old.
I'm eating a 5-pound Belgian waffle at 4:00 in the morning, and I realize the Croatian chick
has got a gun.
Until it ended, 'cause up until that point, I had partied (inhales sharply) And I am talking
legitimately partied-- for 45 nights in a row, baby! Whoo-hoo-hoo! What? It's your turn.
Best war story from your 20s.
Um, okay, uh, once when I was 22, I had a baby, and I stayed home by myself, raising him,
for the rest of my 20s.
(chuckles) The end.
Boo! You know, I don't want to play this game anymore, okay? Let's go.
Out of the kitchen.
Come on.
Can I just grab a cup of coffee? No.
I can't deal.
He drinks every sip like it's the most delicious thing on the planet.
Do you know how annoying that is? Oh, sweetie, I want to pretend to care, but I just don't
think I can get there.
I feel ya.
Yi yi yi yi yi yi! What the hell is wrong with you?! I'm just trying to be a good mom.
(dog barking in distance) Good morning, Grayson.
Hey.
- I've been up for hours.
- I had eggs for breakfast.
- What? - Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought we were sharing incredibly boring facts about ourselves.
When you act like you don't want to talk to me, it just makes me want to talk to you even
more.
That may be the world's most annoying personality trait.
Right? Do you ever get that overwhelming feeling that you just missed out on everything? I
don't have overwhelming feelings.
Would you, come on? We--we are both recently divorced, and we're going through this stuff.
You know what? This should be our thing.
We talk when we get our papers.
We can be paper buddies.
No, thank you.

Now I just want it even more! Blah, blah, blah.

ANDY: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo- hoo-hoo! (laughs) Ahh! Don't tell Ellie.
Later, J-Bird.
Ohh! Holy crap, that's good coffee.
(laughs) I know.
Right? Wait.
What exactly was upsetting you? I don't know.
I was just so bummed that I don't have one good story to tell, you know? Hold this for a
second.
Yes! I spent so much time on my hair this morning, that felt like cheating death.
(laughs) I don't believe in having regrets, Jules, because in this great, big, crazy thing we call
life-- It sounds like you're ramping up for a long one, so first I have to ask-- Do you think
that's an appropriate outfit for work? I did until a second ago.
Fair enough.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
You're not gonna wear trashy thongs.
I've got some emergency work underwear in my drawer.
What I was going to say is that if you don't have any good stories, you can just start making
some now.
Are you changing your underwear at my desk? Who cares? - I feel like I do.
- Jules, you can still have your 20s.
I mean, you're halfway there.
You've already got the cute boyfriend, who, for some reason, you're still not sleeping with.
(makes whooshing noises) I'm not sure what that means.
But the point is, now all we have to do is add in the fun stuff-- You know, barhopping, road
trips (gasps) Eating pancakes at 3:00 in the morning.
Crap, I love pancakes.
Come on an adventure with me tonight.
The word "adventure" makes it sound really fun.
- That's why I picked it.
- All right, I'm in.
- Yeah! Ow! - Ow! Oh, wait.
I'm seeing a movie with Ellie tonight.
So because you want to relive your youth, instead of getting a barrel of popcorn and eating
it while we stare at Viggo Something-son's ass, I've gotta go get drinks with you and your
stupid, slaggy, townie friend? Ellie's so excited to come.
- Tell her to bite me.
- Laurie's psyched, too.
Oh, and, Ellie, um, we are even for this morning.
- What? - Monster! I just made a horrible mistake, didn't I? Yeah.
All right, lipstick, eyeliner, tissue, granola bars, aspirin.
What else? Stamps.
Stamps.
Right.

Wait.
Why are you messing with me? Because it's fun.
When you get older, you need more stuff.
That's why I-I brought out old Bessie here.
It's a purse.
It doesn't have a name.
Bessie does.
Have fun, for once.
Thanks.
You have fun at Dad's.
Well, this shouldn't be embarrassing at all.
Helps with the bugs.
Good God.
So Ellie took a shower with her baby, and, of course, he peed all over her feet.
But here's the kicker.
Ellie said afterwards her skin was so soft and smooth, so of course I've gotta find myself
some baby pee.
But it's no biggie, 'cause Ellie's just gonna hook me up.
You know, people can't unhear the things you say.
Come back, paper buddy.
All right, I'll just see you at your mailbox in the morning.
Not ever.
Ellie.
I'm back.
You have to re-engage.
- Oh.
- On the plus side, I was able to put peanuts in her wine without her noticing.
Hmm.
So witty.
Mm.
I should probably slow down.
I'm getting a little buzzy.
(laughs) These are just the drinks that we get before we go out and get drinks.
Oh, good.
She's here.
I've got a bad case of the gotta-gos.
No, no.
Don't leave.
Why don't you just come with me? No, I'm having fun.
I just want you to stay.
But this isn't how I do fun anymore.
I've got much better wine at home, and I really need to take my bra off.
Enjoy your 20s.
(laughs) So I invited my friend Nezzie to roll with us.

Oh, that's great.

I love rolling with people.
Yo, this is really cool.
It's like drinking with my mom.
But don't worry.
She looks great.
- How old is she? - 62.
I will kill her.
(singsong voice) Here's the shots.
Oh, I didn't order one.
- Cheers.
- (clink) - Aah! - Aah! - I'll get more.
- Ooh.
Did you see how tiny her purse is? You can't even put a credit card in there.
She probably has to fold her money into tiny squares.
Oh, I was right.
Jules, quit stalling.
Toss it back.
Just one, though.
Oh, wait, wait.
I want to get a picture with my phone.
Ready? (Beyonc) # All the single ladies # # All the single ladies # - # All the single ladies # # All the single ladies # - # All the single ladies # - # All the single ladies # # All the single
ladies, now put your hands up # # Up in the club, we just broke up # # I'm doing my own
little thing # # You decided to dip and now you want to trip # # 'cause another brother
noticed me # # I'm up on him, he up on me # # Don't pay him any attention # # Just cried
my tears for three good years # # You can't be mad at me, 'cause if you liked it # # then you
should have put a ring on it # # If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it # # Don't
be mad once you see that he want it # # 'cause if you liked it # # then you should have put a
ring on it, oh, oh, oh # # If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it # Jules! Oh.
Oh.
Hello, gang.
I did not think you were coming back to see the guest room again.
We're just gonna go look around a little more.
You guys take your time.
Party rookie.
How did she know? (snorts) That is upsetting.
(laughs) Someone actually dared you to make out with Barb's neck for a second.
- I didn't, did I? - No.
- Let me see that.
- No, no.
- Let me see it.
- You don't want to see it.
- Laurie! - You don't want to see it.

Oh, there, it's gone.

It never happened.
- (chuckles) - You know what's weird? We par-tayed last night, and I feel fine.
You're probably still a little drunk, - and you don't realize it.
- Oh, what, I'm gonna go home and all of a sudden just have some nasty hangover? Oh, God.
Why? Uh, sorry to intrude, but I wanted to return this.
(grunts, straining) Oh, my Ohh.
Help me.
Nah.
Gotta go.
Ah.
Bessie.
Are you okay? My head hurts, I kissed Barb, and Grayson made fun of Bessie.
Oh.
Does Andy still eavesdrop every time you're on the phone? I assume so.
Andy? Right here.
Okay, tell Andy to go over to Grayson's, and make friends with him and then be mean to
him.
We need you to go over to Grayson's, make friends - and then be mean to him.
- Fine.
- He's in.
Go take a nap.
- Oh, thank you.
- (doorbell rings, beep) - What? You said I should stop by once your son left.
- Is that what I said? - Uh-huh.
Okay, yeah.
Whoa! Andy, what's up? - I brought over pizza and beer.
- Why? You know I-I'm not sure.
Okay, well, I have to go open up my restaurant, so I can't go home yet.
They'll just make me come back.
Lock the door when you leave.
Ah.
What a lovely turn of events.
Oh, mother, that's good beer.
(hisses) (sighs) You always have to make the sound? I do.
It's what makes it fun.
So fun.
Oh, I know it's frustrating.
But we only have four dates left, and when we get there, it is gonna be amazing.
Maybe we could even, uh Nah, never mind.
What? Just this crazy position I read about, but you're way too classy for it.
and besides, it's more of a young chick thing.
Tell me more.
Well, you just take one of your legs and just put it over my arm.

Like this? Oh! (crack) (moaning) - Are you sure you're okay? - Oh, yeah! I'm great.
Why don't you go ahead and let yourself out? There you go.
Yeah.
(door opens) - Bye, Josh.
- (door closes) Okay, so you hurt yourself by not having sex? That's right.
(sniffles) I'm gonna get some take-out, and do you remember my aunt Carol? The one who
hates my hair? Yes.
I'm gonna go get my wedding video, and we're gonna watch her break her hip over and over
again.
Ooh, I love it when she screams and cries.
(telephone rings) (ring, beep) Hey, Laurie.
Nezzie's getting us a free limo tonight.
(chuckles) I don't think I can go out tonight.
It's done, girl.
But Saturday night's the best night for going out.
(gasps) She says Saturday's the best night.
No! You're staying in.
Come on.
We'll soak our hands and feet in baby pee.
This is your 20s weekend.
Would you look? You're an invalid.
Slaggy ho.
Do you know what people think when they see you out with those kids? Don't say it if it's too
mean.
I mean, you're too old for this crap.
You look pathetic.
Give me the phone.
Give it to me.
LAURIE: Jules, are you in a fight? - Give me! Give me! - What's happening? - Laurie, I'm in.
Come get me.
Ellie, go home.
What are you doing? What are you doing? I came out to get the mail, and I got thirsty.
I'm a little hungover.
Hey, but thanks for checking on me, paper buddy.
No, not your paper buddy, just an annoyed neighbor.
Don't send tiny bald men to my house.
Is Ellie watching us right now? We got into a huge fight.
You see, I feel like you don't listen to what I say.
- You just move on-- - Turn around and catch her on three.
One, two-- Just do me a favor and stop trying to drag me into your little, "Where did all the
years go?" Little nervous breakdown thing you seem to be going through.
Three! Ha! Ha! Oh, I got you! I wasn't looking at you, you stupid head! Does anybody on this
block like you? Ooh! Catch you later, P.
B.

! Hey! That stands for (singsong voice) "paper buddy"! (cell phone alert chimes) I just got a
text.
Who's it from? Someone named Bitch-Slap Harris.
Huh.
Good guy.
He's a college professor.
Of course he is.
Apparently, he saw a bouncer being mean to Mom last night.
What? Why would anyone want to be mean to Mom? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Dad, Dad, I know those girls.
- Turn around.
- No detours.
We're running low on juice, buddy.
Fine.
Ah, ha ha! Aah! Sarah, Tina Don't know you What's the haps? (giggling) Just drive.
(moaning) (telephone rings) Andy? Hey, Jules.
You--you okay? So Ellie had you call.
(chuckles) Oh, please, girlfriend.
I'm my own man.
I'm assuming she's so close, you can't speak freely.
(chuckles) Yes.
I know she wrote you a script, so say something wrong so I can catch her.
Uh, "When--when did this whole 20s thing start being about proobing something?" Proving
something! Proving! Hang up the phone.
Go.
Ellie, I know you can hear me.
I-I don't know when this thing became about proving something.
It just did.
I hate the feeling that I missed out on everything.
You--you have your stories.
I've heard all of them-- The night you were in New York, Miami, the--the month you didn't
see the sun, the time you kissed a girl.
(falsetto singsong voice) Awesome! I know that I'm being crazy.
But when I'm being like that, it is your job to support me! I mean, remember when you
didn't smile at your baby because you thought it would give you mouth wrinkles? I was there
for you, Ellie! It's hard for me to be out there doing things that I know are stupid, and people
are probably talking about me.
But the last person I thought who would ever say mean things is my best friend! Ellie, are
you still there? All right, I'm going out.
You didn't smile at Stan? Only for three weeks.
They want another round.
I feel like I'm 100.
You look like you're 800.
You know, I've seen the endless parade of girls you've brought home, tagged and released.

No matter how young they are, you don't ever seem the slightest bit self-conscious about
your age.
I'm not.
Show me how to do that.
I can't.
You see, when women get older, it's icky.
When men get older, it's adorable.
It's actually my favorite double standard.
- Yeah, I'm not a huge fan.
- Mm.
(grunts) My, my.
I hurt myself hiking.
No, you didn't.
Darling, if you're going to attempt a move like that, you gotta hit the yoga class hard.
Hi.
I'm Barb.
Wow.
Uh Wait.
Where's your drink? I don't even want it.
I'm just gonna borrow some ice from this one.
- Ah.
Ohh.
- That's it.
You're done.
But Saturday night is the best night for going out.
Sweetie, it's time to go home.
I don't want you to have to leave because of me.
You're going home.
It's Saturday night.
I'm going out.
(cell phone rings) Hey, Mom.
What's up? Why are you calling? I just wanted to hear your voice before I went to sleep - in
case I never wake up.
- T-minus five, Goose.
Okay, gotta go, Mom.
Love you.
Bye.
(tires screech) (falsetto voice) This is for my mom! Aah! (grunting) Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh,
my God! That was incredible! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Floor it! Floor it! Hey.
I saw that limo driver help you in.
Did you come over here to make fun of me? No, I came over to check on you.
So how are you? Younger people just don't get tired like we do.
I know.
But one day they will.

And if we're not dead, I say we rub it in their faces.

I'm sorry I was mean.
That's okay.
I'm never gonna have my 20s again, am I? Of course you are, but just not two nights in a
row.
But you had a great first night, right? Yeah.
You never told me about it.
I bet you have great stories.
I do.
Laurie sent some pictures on my cell phone here.
Look at this.
Okay, this is me dancing.
Oh.
Um, that's a-a mean bouncer-- Oh, so mean.
That's, uh, that was my first fistfight.
- I won.
- Cute.
This is me dancing on a pole.
I was just-- - That looks great.
Yeah.
- Thank you.
And this is me eating the world's largest pancake-- - so dadgum good.
- Oh, could we go get some? - Yeah.
- All right.
(chuckles) Hi! Oh, good.
You're chipper again.
I wanted to thank you for the $6 of business that you personally gave me last night in an
effort to show that you could still hang with the youngsters.
Why do you always have to-- Hey, wait a second.
You're out here with your paper waiting for me! To make fun of you.
It still counts.
You're my paper buddy! Nuh-unh.
I was--I had to-- - I was reading-- - Sorry, P.
B.
I gotta go.
You save that for tomorrow.
Damn it.
(starts engine, seat belt alert chimes) BOTH: Monsters! - (screams) (tires screech, bottles
rattle) We made up.