Agnes Holy

04-18-2916

Battered Women Syndrome

Women who live with being abused often blame themselves

and believe their abuser when he says hes sorry. The term
Battered Women Syndrome applies to any women who has lived
through at least two cycles of an abuse from a partner. This term
was founded by Lenore Walker, EdD founder of Domestic Violence
Institute.
According to her an abuse has three cycles. In the first phase
tension builds up between the women and the abuser. Second
phase is an explosion, where the women is the victim of battering
and can be seriously injured. The third phase is when her abuser
becomes calm and loving, pleads for forgiveness, and promises
not to do it again and to get help. This is called the honeymoon
phase. What women often dont realize at the beginning, is that
this cycle will repeat itself and get worse and worse.
Battered Women Syndrome is a subcategory of PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder), a psychological disorder that results
from facing or witnessing a terrifying event. Lenore walker also
believes that women who are battered exhibit four characteristics;
they believe that the violence is their fault, they cant place the
blame for the violence on anyone else, they fear for their lives
and their childrens lives, and they believe that their abuser is
everywhere and seen everything they do.
In my paper I will be discussing all three stages of an abuse,
four characteristics of a battered women, how and why it gets so
bad, why women dont leave such relationship and if they do

where can they get help. I will also be talking about an effects on
the children and life after the abuser. For my case study I will be
reflecting on my own life with the abuser, my own family
experiences, and the effect on my children.
Three stages of an abuse:

My ex-husband sometimes was stuck on the first phase for

weeks. We would argue for hours. He fallowed me from room to
room, pointing things out didnt make enough money, to this
house is a mess like I dont see anywhere else, he used to yell.
Sometimes there was arguments about couple loads of laundry
that wasnt caught up with, and mainly because I was just not
good enough mother and wife. I was called names and compared
to prostitutes. Every time I wanted to talk to my mom or sister he

would yell, when I was on the phone, that Im talking to them

badly about him. Eventually I stopped talking to my family, and
became obsessive with becoming prefect mom and perfect wife.
Four characteristics of Battered Women:
1.

Accepts blame for her abuse:

In reality a woman has no control over her abusive partners

behavior. No
matter what she does or does not do, the
batterer chooses to hurt her. In spite of this truth, the batterer
works hard to convince the woman the abuse is her fault. His
blaming escalates until she can do nothing right, and she often
begins to believe she actually causes his abusive behavior.
This occurs through constant devaluing and shaming by the
partner. Women eventually come to believe their partner is right
they are inadequate in almost
every aspect of their lives.
2.

Guilt:

When a woman experiences a sense of almost constant failure

and is not allowed to express her feelings or frustrations, her
inability to express herself leads to anger. If there is no place for
her to express her feelings, especially anger, she usually turns it
on herself. This often becomes guilt, and she feels guilty for
almost any behavior. Some battered women turn the anger back
toward the abuser or to other family members.
3. Feelings of hopelessness and passivity:
Over time women who are blamed, constantly belittled, and not
allowed to express their feelings, become hopeless and passive.
They may even be unable to act, make decisions, or think through
problems. What appears to be complete docility is in effect a
survival strategy which includes denial, attentiveness to the
batterers wants, and fondness mixed with fear (for the abuser),

fear of interference by authorities, and adoption of his

perspective.
4. Denial and Minimization of Abuse:
Women may turn off their feelings in order to cope with
everyday life, and use denial to cope. Such denial may include:
1.

assumption the batterer is a good man whose actions stem

from problems she can help him solve,

2.

denying the abuse occurred, denying the batterer is

responsible for the abuse, saying external forces always cause it,

3.

believing she is the reason for the abuse and deserves the
punishment,

4.
5.

denying she could survive without him,

believing marriage/religious vows are more important than
her personal wellbeing.

I have personally thought and felt every single characteristic of

this abusive relationship. He convinced me that no matter what I
do or how hard I try to be perfect, I wasnt, and that was good
enough reason to yell, threat to throw out of the house, keep me
at distant, not give money for food or medicine for the kids, cheat
on me, beat me.
The one question our culture often asks of victims/survivors
of domestic abuse is: Why do/did you stay in an abusive
relationship? or Why doesnt she just leave? Sometimes the
question is meant as an honest inquiry. However, often it is
spoken with an undercurrent of hostility or disbelief (i.e. It
couldnt have been that bad or You must have liked it or If you
wanted to leave, you would have.), sending a message that

women who stay in abusive relationships are somehow to blame

for their abuse.
Our culture also sends equally powerful messages that women
are expected to fill roles in their relationships that keep them
dependent on their partners. This combination of messages sets
women up to feel ashamed, isolated and stuck. Some may feel
that they have no real choices.

Why Battered Women stay:

A woman may fear her partners actions if she leaves.

My partner said he will hunt me down and kill me.

My partner will kidnap the children and disappear.
My partner will take my passport and immigration papers.
My partner will spread horrible rumors about me.
She will out me at work or to my family.
My partner will have me deported or report me to the INS.
My partner will stop the processing of my Green Card.

The effects of abuse may make it difficult to leave.

Im nothing. I dont deserve better.

I feel paralyzed.

I cant face making decisions anymore.

I was brainwashed to believe that I couldnt cope without my

partner.

I am so used to life being this way.

Im more comfortable with what I know, than the unknown

out in the world.
A woman may have concerns about her children.

My children will blame me and resent me.

The kids need a father.

She will tell my ex-spouse or authorities that I am a lesbian

so they will take the kids.

Children need a real family.

My partner will steal the children.

My partner will kill the children.

My partner will turn the children against me.

She is the biological mother; I have no legal rights.

A partners attempts to isolate a woman may make it
difficult for her to leave or get help.

My partner doesnt let me out of the house.

I have no friends to call for help anymore.

My partner doesnt let me take English classes so I cant

communicate with anyone.

If I ever tell anyone about this, my partner will kill me.

My sister said I couldnt come and stay with her anymore,

after the last time

My partner said he or she would teach my friend a lesson if I

go over there again.

My partner hides my wheelchair so I cannot leave the house.

A womans personal history may have shaped her attitude
toward abuse in relationships.

My father beat my mom it just goes with being in a

relationship.

Getting hit isnt the worst thing that can happen in a family
I know of worse things.

I have seen a lot of violence in my country so violence has

become normal for me.

My parents never gave up on one another.

A woman may be deeply attached to her partner and hope
for change.

I believe my partner when he or she says that it will never

happen again.

My partner promised to go to therapy.

I cherish the sex and intimacy.

My partner is really loving towards me most of the time.
My marriage vows.
My religion.
I love her or him.

Some women are taught that it is their job to maintain the

relationship and support their partners, so they may feel
guilty about leaving or feel they have failed.

I will ruin his or her life if I leave.

My partner will have nowhere to go.

My partner will lose her or his job if I report this.

My partner tells me the system does not support noncitizens.

My partner will start drinking again.

I will disappoint my family. I cant admit my relationship is a

failure.

I am afraid the deaf community will reject me.

I have to take care of him or her.

She or he wouldnt hurt me if I were better at keeping up the

house.
Women may be economically dependent on their partners
or their partners may be economically dependent on them.

My partner has all the money.

Ive never had a good job. How would I take care of my kids
alone?

I have no work experience in this country.

Its better to be beaten up at home than to be out on the

streets.

My partner wont let me send any money overseas.

My disability does not enable me to work.

Id rather die than be on welfare.

My partner forces me to work and then takes all my money.

My partner charges up all my credit cards.

My partner cant work he depends on me to support him.

I remember few of those things that I personally experienced. I

have heard many times from him that he doesnt want to be with
me, but he will never let me be with anyone else. That he will take
the kids. He gave me bad opinion at work that forced me to quit. I
wanted my kids to grow up with the father, because I never did.
He turned my oldest daughter against me when she was 12years-old. I had no one to call, my mom told me since I chose to
be with him I shouldnt complain. Many time he hid my drivers
license and debit card. My dad used to hit my mom. I rather get
hit then listen to him yelling and complaining for days. Being
catholic, divorce was not in the vocabulary. At times I felt sorry
for him and thought that he will be nothing without me. I was
afraid that he would take the business and cut me off all the
money. I believed that if Id left him and took the kids, wed end
up on the streets or in a shelter.
Getting out of an abusive or violent relationship isnt easy.
Maybe youre still hoping that things will change or youre afraid
of what your partner will do if he discovers youre trying to leave.
Whatever your reasons, you probably feel trapped and helpless.
But help is available. There are many resources available for
abused and battered women, including crisis hotlines, shelters
even job training, legal services, and childcare. You deserve to
live free of fear. Start by reaching out.
Where to turn for help for domestic violence or abuse

In an emergency:
Call 911 or your countrys emergency service number if you need
immediate assistance or have already been hurt.
Helplines for advice and support:
In the US: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1800-799-7233 (SAFE)

Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic

Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines, shelters, and
crisis centers.
For a safe place to stay:
In the US: visit Womenslaw.org for a state-by-state directory of
domestic violence shelters in the U.S.
Resources and references
Help for abused and battered women
Domestic Violence: Finding Safety & Support Guide for
abused and battered women offers advice on getting safe, using
the police or the courts, and finding support. (New York State
Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence)
Breaking the Silence Handbook (PDF) Help and advice for
abused and battered women, including legal options. (Nebraska
Health and Human Services)
Domestic violence hotlines
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or
1-800-787-3224 (TTY) A crisis intervention and referral phone
line for domestic violence. Hotline staff access to translators for
other languages. (National Domestic Violence Hotline)
State Coalition List Lists the phone numbers for the state
offices of the NCADV. These offices can help you find local support
or a shelter from domestic violence, as well as free or low-cost
legal services. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
Domestic violence shelters and support
Tour a Domestic Violence Shelter Find out what you can
expect at a typical womens refuge or shelter and hear personal
experiences of what life there is like. (Safe Horizon)
Tips for staying safe and protecting yourself

Safety Planning Guidelines for how to safely leave an abusive

relationship, what to do if you've filed a restraining order, and
what to do once you've left the relationship. (Womens Law
Initiative)
Internet Security Gives detailed instructions on how to clear
your computers Internet browser and email account from
showing evidence of your seeking help for domestic abuse.
(Womens Law Initiative)
Abuse hurts more than just the victim; it also impacts the
children witnessing the abuse. The domestic violence effects on
children linger, often into adulthood, in many different ways. One
of the many problems for children exposed to domestic violence is
that for some, it comes to be included amongst their own
interpersonal management strategies.
Children exposed to domestic violence learn the use of
violence as a strategy to mediate their needs and wants. They
see the violence between their parents and how in many cases
the violence advances the preferred outcome of the aggressor.
The violence comes in many forms visible to children. It may be
through verbally abusive and demeaning language. It could be
verbal threats of violence or physical gestures to intimate
violence and thus intimidate. The violence may include throwing
of objects and destruction of objects and in more extreme forms,
it can include physical assault ranging from pushing, shoving and
slapping to punching, kicking and strangulation. In the most
physically dangerous of forms the violence can include the use of
weapons. In so many cases, the violence is meant to assert ones
will over the will of another.
There tends to be gender differences with regard to children
exposed to domestic violence. Boys are at greater risk of learning
that violence gets them what they want. Further, while relying on

violence, there tends to be less reliance on verbal skills and hence

these same boys are at risk of inadequate verbal relational skills
such as dialogue and discussion to mediate their needs. Girls are
at risk of learning that violence is normal and as a result can be
more apt to accept violence within their relationships.
In terms of child and adult development then, childhood
exposure to violence can rear its head in several ways. Within the
school settings, both boys and girls may be apt to use violence to
get their way. Boys tend to use overt violent behavior such as
bullying, intimidation and physical aggression whereas girls tend
to use more covert behavior such as excluding others from their
group and malicious gossip. Within adult life, men exposed to
domestic violence in childhood are more apt to use violence in
intimate relationships than other men who were not exposed to
domestic violence in childhood. Similarly, women who as children
were exposed to domestic violence are more apt to tolerate
violence from intimate partners.
For both men and women exposed to domestic violence in
childhood, there is also a concern of desensitization when it
comes to recognizing domestic violence in adulthood. In other
words, they may only recognize certain behavior as violent when
it reaches a threshold near their childhood experience. This
means that while they may resist or object to violent behavior as
experienced in childhood, they still may engage in, and/or
tolerate violent behavior, not recognizing it as such, because it is
less than experienced when young. The problem here is that no
amount of violence is acceptable and all violence carries
consequences. So even if the adult domestic violence is less than
experienced in childhood, intimate relationships will still be
problematic and exposure to the children will still be problematic.

My children have been exposed to domestic abuse, some five

years and some fifteen years. The last five years, since I split up
with my abuser, he transferred his abuse onto my children. They
have experienced things a child should never have. My oldest
daughter has also been a victim of her fathers sexual abuse,
which led to her almost committing suicide at age thirteen and
fourteen. She is still fighting PTSD, depression, eating disorder,
and cutting. Another daughter has been withdrawn and in a denial
for the last eight years, and now I am seeing symptoms of her
going into an eating disorder. My three younger kids (ages 6, 8,
and 9) are so vulgar towards each others and sometimes towards
me, that at times I feel ashamed of them. They dont have
friends other then the ones they associate in school with. They
dont know how to behave for example in a park around other
kids, because all they know is how to yell at each others and
boss each others. They are struggling with how to talk to other
kids and don not know how to make friends. This is very hard for
a mother to deal with. The little time I have to spend with them is
not enough to undo what my ex has done to them, and to show
them different life style.
Getting out of the abusive situation is the first step toward
healing and moving on in your life, but unfortunately, your work
doesn't end there. Once you are physically safe and secure, it is a
good idea that you seek professional help for any abuse-related
difficulties you may develop.
For example, you may have difficulty coping with abuse
memories themselves.
You may also benefit from assistance in coping with problems that
develop because you were abused, such as: substance abuse
problems, sexual or intimacy issues, anger issues, and eating
disorders.
Such problems may occur during your abuse period (as a
means of coping with the abuse itself), or after the abuse period
is over (as a means of coping with the abuse memories).
Using alcohol and illicit substances is a common way of coping
with the pain of abuse. Each person experiences abuse

differently, and is able to cope with abuse in different ways

depending on their circumstances.
While one person may suffer greater consequences as a result of
abuse than another, there should be no shame involved in how
little or much impact is suffered.
There is a lot of luck involved when people who have been
abused are able to resiliently recover from abuse with few scars.
It doesn't happen often, and much of the circumstances that
make it possible to accomplish are not directly in the control of
those fortunate few. People have little control over whether they
are abused, and little control over how that abuse impacts them.
What people do have control over is their choice to seek
help, and to make the commitments necessary to help
themselves recover. It is by this last yardstick (how much people
choose to actively work at helping themselves recover rather than
passively accepting that they are 'ruined') only that it may
appropriate to judge abused people. It is important to not blame
yourself for w been abused, no matter what the circumstances of
your abuse may have been. People tend to blame themselves for
'allowing' abuse to have happened to themselves .
Nobody deserves to be physically, sexually, or emotionally
abused - whether as an adult or as a child. Abusive people are
unable or unwilling to control their worst appetites. They are
psychologically ill and or medically ill. Abusers cause the problem
of abuse - they perpetrate abuse on those people around them.
Abused people are not responsible for causing abuse, unless and
until they become abusers themselves.
Distrust, paranoia and not trusting your decisions are
frequent after an abuse relationship. You will become aware of
these thoughts and it may bring you down, and even push you
into a depressive state. Remember all men are not like your ex
relationship. In order to trust your decisions, you need to risk. The
more you risk with positive outcome the better you will feel about

yourself, it takes time; a man in a new relationship may have a

hard time understanding, if he truly loves you. He will stand by
your side. However, you need to recognize in order to be happy,
there needs to be risk taking. I am frequently asked, How will I
know when I am ready to date? There is no one answer.
Everyone is different. Some women are able to date right away, if
they have a very supportive man in the relationship. They can
actually work together as a team to fine tune the distrust. For
others it may take years.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You walk this path
only once. When you find that one special person, hang onto
them. Do not let your pathology; the seeds that had been sewn
from the past take root in your new relationship. Take ownership
for your part; recognize what you bring to the table. If you
implement some of these changes, the sun will shine more
frequently, the future will be brighter. This I can promise you!

Work Cites:
Domestic violence cycle of abuse wheel images
Family refuge center (from where violence begins at home
by dr. K. J. Wilson a formerly bettered women)
Help Guide.org, help yourself to great health and happiness.

Mental Help.net, Battered and Abused.

Climb the Rainbow Domestic Violence Articles
Peace and Healing (Battered Women Syndrome)
Life Script.com/ health.