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WillRacismEverEnd,WillIEverStopBeingaNigger?CommunityUtneReader

WillRacismEverEnd,WillIEverStopBeinga
Nigger?
byKevinPowell,specialtoUtneReader

TheLordismyshepherd,Ishallnotwant.
Psalms23
Whathappenstoadreamdeferred?
LangstonHughes
Whatbrushdoyoubendwhendustingyourshouldersfrombeingoffended?Whatkindofden
didtheyputyouinwhenthelionsstarthissing?
KendrickLamar

IAMNOTANIGGER,oranigga,oranigguh.Iamnotyourniggeroranyoneelsesnigger,
either.NordoIbelongtosomespecializedsocietythatcontainswithinitsboundariesniggers,
orniggas,orniggaz4life.No
Iamaman,aBlackman,ahumanbeing,andIamyourequal.AfterthispiecegoesliveIam
neveragaingoingtoutterthatwordniggertodescribemyself,todescribeBlackpeople,to
paintapictureofacertaintypeofmentalitybornofracialoppression,selfhatred,confusion,of
ignorancenotpublicly,notprivately.No
YetwhenIlookatraceandracisminAmericainthe21stcenturyhowcouldInothelpbutfeel
likeIamnothingbutthatloadedanddisgustingword?IoftenwonderifitactuallymattersI
cameupfromtheghettome,theproductofasinglemotherwhoescaped,barely,thecolorline
insanityoftheJimCrowSouthonlytoconfrontadifferentkindofraceandclassinsanityin
Northernslumsme,thesonofanabsentfatherwhocompletelyandpermanentlyabandoned
mymomandIwhenIwaseightbecausehewasabrokenBlackmananddidnotknowitme,a
Blackboywhohasknownrivers,poverty,violence,abuse,fear,hopelessness,depressionme,
whomadeittocollegeonafinancialaidpackage,nevergotmydegree,butstillmadeaname
formyself,againstalloddsme,whohaspublished12booksandwhohasvisitedall50
Americanstatesasawriter,asapoliticalactivist,asaspeakerme,thekidwhodidnotgeton
anairplaneuntilIwasage24,butwhohassincebeentofiveofthesevencontinents,andwhois
interviewedvirtuallyeachweekontelevisionandradioandelsewhereformediaoutletsfrom
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everycorneroftheworld.Whatdoes
itmatterthatI,asmymotherhas
saidwithhergritsandbutterSouth
Carolinadialect,speakswellthatI
havetheabilitytoconversewith
equalcomfortoncollegecampuses
andonconcretestreetcorners,thatI
caneasilyflowfromexchangeson
presidentialcampaignsandgender
politicstobasketballandpop
culture?Whatdoesitmatter,
indeed,ifIhaveproducedabodyof
work,mywritings,myspeeches,my
humanitarianandphilanthropic
efforts,inservicetopeople,all
people,andthatIreallydoseeyou,
me,us,assistersandbrothers,no
matterwhoyouareorwhatyoulook
like,aspartofthehumanrace,the
humanfamily,ifyou,inthesmoked
outbuildingsthatareyourminds
eyes,refusetoseeme,orrefusetoseemeasawholehumanbeing,or,worse,simplyseemeas
thatword?Orwhatifyouseemeasananimal,amonster,somethingtobedissed,avoided,
detested,labeledasangryorathugordifficultorarrogantoraproblemoraburden?
Yes,anigger,thatcreatureandcreationbornofaviciousracismseeminglyaslongasthe
nightmaresofmyAfricanancestorsshockedandawedastheywerebamboozledandkidnapped
fromthemotherlandcenturiesbacktheirsweatyrawbodiestheinfrastructureforthefirst
globaleconomyinthisworldslavery,thetransAtlanticslavetrade.Thatslavetradebuiltand
enrichedEurope,builtandenrichedAmerica,andturnedplacesasdifferentasNewYorkCity
andtheAmericanSouthandtheWestIndiesandLatinAmericaandtheUnitedKingdominto
realandmetaphoricalcastlesforpowerfulandprivilegedWhitepeople.Meanwhilethebodies
ofmybeautifulancestorswerebrutalizedbyadiabolicalschemetobendandbombany
memoryoftheirnames,theiridentities,theirverybeings,untiltheybecamethatwhichthey
weretold:niggers...
SothereissimplynowaytohavewhatmyAlphaPhiAlphafraternitybrotherDavidYoung
dubscourageousconversationsaboutraceandracisminAmericaifyourefusetohearme,if
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WillRacismEverEnd,WillIEverStopBeingaNigger?CommunityUtneReader

yourefusetoreadthisessaytotheveryend,ifyourefusetoacknowledgethatmyhistoryis
yourhistory,too.Wearechainedtogetherlikethoseslaveswerechainedtogetheronthose
shipsandthoseauctionblocks.
IcanhearmyWhitesistersandbrotherssaynow,asmanyoftendeclaretomewhenthis
uncomfortabledialogueoccurs,ButIdidnotownslaves,IhadnothingtodowiththatorMy
relativesdidnotdothat.Itdoesnotmatterifyouoryourlonggonerelativesweredirectly
involvedornot,orifyoubelievethatthatisinthepast.Thepast,tragically,isthepresent,
becausewevebeentooterrifiedtoconfrontourwholehistoryandourwholeselvesas
Americans.
Furthermorewhatmattersisthatasystemwasputinplace,rootedinslavery,basedonWhite
skinprivilegeandWhiteskincolor,thatrevolvedaroundpower,land,property,status,shared
valuesbornofoppressionanddiscriminationandmarginalization,andthathasneverchanged
inAmerica.Never.Thatsystemanditsvalueshavebeenpassedgenerationtogenerationas
effortlesslyaswepassplatesatthefamilydinnertable.Soitdoesnotmatterifyouneveropenly
refertoaBlackpersonasaniggerornot.Itdoesnotmatterifyourcollegefraternityputson
BlackfaceandmocksBlackcultureonHalloweenornot.Itdoesnotmatterifyouarea
practicingracistornot.ItdoesnotmatterifyoucallyourselfaDemocratoraRepublicanoran
independent.Itdoesnotmatterifyoucallyourselfaprogressiveorliberaloracentristor
conservative.ItdoesnotmatterifyouhaveBlackfriendsoraBlackwifeorBlackhusbandor
BlackpartnerorBlackrelativesorBlackorbiracialchildren(biologicallyoradopted).Itdoes
notmatterifyoulovehiphoporotherBlackmusicandBlackart,orthatyougrewupinor
aroundaBlackcommunity,orspendmuchtimetherenowasanadult.Itdoesnotmatterifone
oratinyhandfulofBlackwriters,orBlackartists,orBlackpublicintellectuals,orBlack
spokespersons,orBlackentertainersandathletes,orBlackmediapersonalities,orBlack
anythingaregivenmajorplatformsandfameandawardsandtonsofmoneyandstatustoprove
racismisnotwhatitwas,or,equallytrippedout,totellyouaboutyourracism.Thatnuttygame
ofthespecialBlackpersonhandpickedtorepresenttherestofusisasoldandtiredasracism
itself.WeareallyourequalsandallequallyvaluablefromthehoodtoHollywood,from
HarlemtoHarvardnotjusttheselectfewanointedandcelebratedbyWhiteAmerican
tastemakers.
Sowhatultimatelymattersiswhatyouarewillingtogiveup,tosacrifice,ineveryaspectofyour
life,tospeakoutandpushbackagainstthatwhichhastaughtyouthatyouaresuperiorandthat
Iaminferior,thatyouarealwaysrightandIamalwayswrong,prettymuchineveryspace
imaginable,bothconsciouslyandsubconsciously.Silenceisunacceptableinthefaceof
injustice,andbeingneutralisbeingacowardandanaccomplicetotheevilsidesofourhistory.
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Thus,tobemadblunt,inourAmericaracismisracepluspowerandprivilegewhohasthe
favorableraceorskincolor,whohasthepowerandprivilege,andwhodoesnot.Yes,Blackfolks
andotherpeopleofcolorsurecanbeprejudiced,bigoted,hateful,andmeantowardourWhite
sistersandbrothers.IcertainlyhavebeeninpastchaptersofmylifebutIamnolongerand
neverwillbeagain.Ibelieveinloveofself,loveofusall.ButbethatasitmayIamalsoclear
thatweBlackfolksdonotcontrolnorownthemajorityofpoliticsandthegovernment,
education,themassmediaculture,socialmediaandtechnology,Hollywood,corporate
America,sportsteams,musicandotherentertainment,thearts,thebookindustry,police
departments,anythingthatshapesthethinkingofeverysingleAmericancitizenandresident
duringourwakinghours.Notevenclose.Wedonotsetthestandardsforwhatisconsidered
beautifulorattractive,whatisconsideredcourageousorintelligent,nordowedictatewhat
becomespopular,visible,viable.Andwecertainlydonotsaywhatmattersinhistory,whatdoes
not,whatstoriesshouldbetold,andwhichonesareirrelevant,notforthemultitudesnoteven
close.Ourstories,ourversionsofAmerica,ofourhistory,aremarginalized,puttotheside,
specialized,ghettoized.ThisiswhyabrutallyviolentexplorerlikeChristopherColumbusis
mythologizedasahero,whyThanksgivingcelebrantsareindenialaboutthehorrorsdoneto
NativeAmericans,whythingslikeslaveryandtheCivilRightsMovementareessentially
skimmedover,iftaughtatall,toanyofus,inpublicschoolsorprivateschools,bewewealthyor
workingclass.RacisminAmericameansbeingsoimmunefromitthatyoudonoteventhink
aboutbeingWhite.Youjustare.DoesthismeanthatIbelieveeverysingleWhitepersoninthe
UnitedStatesisracist?No,nothardly,becauseIhaveencounteredfartoomanybrilliant,
honest,bighearted,andintegrityfilledWhitesistersandbrotherswhoarewillingtochallenge
theirpowerandtheirprivilege,evenattheirownmaterial,physical,andspiritualexpense.I
havefartoomanyWhitesistersandbrothersinmylifewhoaredearfriends,allies,supporters,
confidantes,mentors,andsheroesandheroesofmine.ButwhatIdobelieve,becauseIhave
liveditandbecauseIinhaleithabitually,isthatracismisatoxicanddeadlycancernooneis
immunefromit,andeventhegoodandwellmeaningamongstushavebeenprofoundly
contaminatedwithit,simplybyvirtueofyournotwantingtohavethisconversation,orbecause
youarehavingahardtimereadingmywordsthisverymoment.
Yes,Idoseeveryclearlythatweareallconnected,andItrulyloveandacknowledgeeveryrace,
everyethnicgroup,everyidentity,andeveryculturethatexistsinAmerica,onthisearth.ButI,
we,wouldbelyingifwedidnotalsoadmitthatthelongestrunningdramaandthesinglemost
dysfunctionalracialrelationshipinAmericanhistoryisbetweenWhitepeopleandBlackpeople.
Thataslongasthatdynamicdysfunctionexists,thereisnowaywewilleverdorightbyNative
Americanswhowerethevictimsofgenocide,oreverlookatLatinoimmigrantsasanything
otherthancheaplaborandoutlaws,oreverviewAsiansasanythingotherthanthe
stereotypicallyquietandofteninvisiblemodelminority.Anddefinitelynowaywewillever
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cometoknowandunderstandandfeelthehumanityofpeoplewhoareArab,MiddleEastern,
MuslimwhiletheBlackWhiteconundrumcontinues,excruciatingly,uninterrupted.Statedthe
waytheydidintheoldcountryDownSouthwhenIwasachildmymommaandthemsaid,
religiously,thataliarisathief.Well,itiswaypasttimewestoplyingtoourselves,fellow
Americans,andstopstealingawaythesolutionsthatareinourveryhands,andhavealways
beenthere

WE'VEHADATLEASTthreemajoropportunitiesinAmericanhistorytoconfrontandend
systematicracismdirectly,butwemerelytoyedaroundwiththenotion,thenbackedaway.
Thefirstwaswhenthecolonieswerewarringwiththemothercountry,England,for
independence.HowincredibleitwouldhavebeeniffoundingfatherslikeGeorgeWashington
andThomasJeffersonhadseriouslyandinstantlyfreedtheirownslaveswhiledeclaringintheir
promissorynoteallmenarecreatedequal.HowincredibleifNativeAmericansweretreated
withdignityandgrace,andapartofthevision,insteadofasmortalenemies.Howincredibleif
poorWhitesandwomenofallhues,too,wereincludedintheconceptoffreedom,justice,and
equality?And,myGod,howincrediblewouldithavebeenforthoseBlackslaves,myancestors,
tobecomefreewomenandfreemenandfreechildren,toparticipate,fromtheverybeginning,
inthebuildingofwhatweclaimtobeademocracy?
ThesecondchancewasduringtheCivilWaranditsaftermathknownasReconstruction.We
whotrulyknowAmericanhistoryknowthatPresidentAbrahamLincolnwasnotthegreat
emancipatorheishailedtobe.Sometimeshewasforslaveryandsometimeshewasagainst
slavery.AndunambiguouslyhisreleasingfrombondageBlacksinselectedstatesgavetheNorth
morementofightandwinthewar.Youthinknot?ThenGoogleoneofDr.Kingslastspeeches
wherehereferredtoLincolnasthegreatvacillator.But,regardless,LincolnsEmancipation
Proclamationwasputforthhewasassassinatedyetstilltherewasaflickeringhopeofabetter
dayascoloredfolksmarchedfromplantationstoliberty.Butthatlongwalktofreedomturned
outtobefoolsgold.Reconstructionlastedonlyadozenyears,untilTheCompromiseof1877
putRutherfordB.Hayesintothepresidency,troopsprotectingthebasicrightsofBlackfolks
wereremovedfromtheSouth,andaninsidiousWhitedomesticterrorismphysically,
mentally,spirituallyexplodedacrossAmericafornearlyacentury.
BlameBlackfolksforeverymoralissueinourfairland.MakeBlackmenandBlackwomen
theposterchildrenforeverybadbehaviororcrimeorsocialmisstepinAmerica.TellBlack
folksthatvotingisatickettoabettersociety,andthendenyitfromthemeverychanceyou
get,withpolltaxes,withvoterI.D.laws.Createaperpetualatmosphereofintimidationand
fearwhereBlackfolksneverknowiftheywillbetarred,feathered,hungfromtrees,lynched,
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bombed,shot,raciallyprofiled,orchokeholdedtodeath...simplyforbeingBlack...
ItisaminormiracleofthegodsandheavensthatinthemidstofthatpostCivilWarAmerica
Blackswereable,underharshsegregationlaws,tobuildhomes,ownland,createschoolsof
everyvariety,setupbusinessesthatmeteachoftheirbasicneeds,andhavewhole
communities,largelyseparatefromWhiteAmericabecausetheyhadnootherchoice.Aminor
miracle,too,thatasracismreareditsdreadfulheadanddestroyedpeopleslivesand
neighborhoodsthattherewerenotmoreracerebellions,eachandeveryyear,acrossAmerica
duringtheJimCrowera.
Lookwhathappenedtomygreatgrandfather,BenjaminPowell,whowasmurderedamidstthis
racisthysteriaintheearly1900s.Hehadtheaudacitytoown400acresoflandintheLow
CountryofSouthCarolina,rightnearSavannah,Georgia.Hehadthenervetobean
entrepreneur,acook,andamanwhodidthingshiswayonhisownterms.ThegoodWhitemen
ofthatcommunitydidnottaketookindlytoaBlackmanwiththatbrandofswagger,who
thoughtandknewhewastheirequal.Theypressuredmygreatgrandfathertoselltheland.
Whenhedidnot,onedayhiswifegotaknockonthedoorandwastoldmygreatgrandfather
hadchokedonhisownfoodandwasfounddeadinnearbywater.No,theyhadkilledhimmy
greatgrandmotherwasforcedtosell397acresofthatlandtotheWhitemenforonepenny
each,andscoresofmyrelativesonthePowellsidefledfortheirlivestootherstates,nevertobe
heardfromagain.Yearslater,whenshewasan8yearoldgirl,mymotherwouldpickcottonon
thatverysamePowellproperty,herlifereducedtobeingthehelpforthegoodWhitepeople,the
samegoodWhitepeoplewhoserelativeshadahandinkillingmygreatgrandfather
Wegotonemoreopportunitytocorrecttheracialwrongsinthelastcentury.Itwascalledthe
CivilRightsMovement.Wewhoknowhistoryknowtherehadbeenenergyandagitationfor
decadesaroundvotingandcivilrights,buttheheightofthateffortoccurredroughlybetween
1954and1968theyearsoftheBrownv.BoardofEducationSupremeCourtdecisionandthe
ruthlessmurderof14yearoldEmmettTillinMississippi,andMartinLutherKings
assassinationonApril4,1968.
Whatamajesticmovementitwas.People,Blackpeopleofallbackgrounds,andsomeloyal
Whiteallies,too,peaceful,largelynonviolent,butcourageousinthefaceofjobfirings,
shootings,bombings,waterhoses,attackdogs,notlettinganyoneturnthemaround.African
Americanswerenotaskingformuch.Canwevote?Canwebefullfledgedcitizens?Canwe
moveaboutwithoutfearofbeingmurderedsimplyforwhoweare?
Themovementwaspowerful,itwasdiverse,ithadvoicesasdifferentasFannieLouHamer,
EllaBaker,Dr.King,MalcolmX,andtheBlackPantherParty.Itdesegregatedpublicspaces,it
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appealedforvotingandbasiccitizenshiprightsitchallengedpolicebrutalityandpovertyand
economicinjustice.ThereweremanybigandsmallvictoriesandIowethefactthatIamafirst
generationcollegestudenttothesemanyunsungwarriorsoftheCivilRightsera.Butthenit
wasover

ASSOONASDR.KING'SBLOODwasscrubbedandwashedfromthatMemphismotel
balcony,America,ourAmerica,undertheguiseoftakingthecountryback,begananallout
assaultonthoseveryminimaltriumphsthatoccurredduringtheCivilRightsera.Wehave
witnessedNixon,theReaganRevolution,thecrackepidemic,theHIV/AIDSpandemic,mass
incarcerationandtheprisonindustrialcomplexwehaveseenrecordnumbersofpoorBlack
folksthrownoffwelfareandlockedinjailsduringtheeraofPresidentBillClintonandFirst
LadyHillaryClintonwesurvivedtheadministrationofGeorgeW.Bush,hisinfamouswarsand
hisfailednochildleftbehind,andthathideousstainonAmericasfacecalledHurricane
Katrina.Westandidlybyasgentrification,underthepretenseofurbandevelopment,destroys
longstandingBlackandLatinocommunities,fromBrooklyntoOakland,fromTheBronxto
Seattle,fromDetroittoAtlanta,leavingtheverypoorpeopleDr.Kingurgedusnottoforget
largelyalonetofendfortheirlives,isolatedandalienatedbythetripleevilsofracismand
classismandindifference.Publicschoolsandanoveremphasisontestingandzerotolerance
disciplineinthesepoorcommunitiesareadisastertherearelittletonojobsthereisconstant
fearofthepoliceandofeachotherthereisendlessviolencebornofselfhatredanddespair
thereislittletonohopethereareracistandclassiststereotypestheyconfronteverysingleday
oftheirlivesthereistheloomingthreatofprisonoranearlydeathwhichhaveswallowedtheir
peersandfamilymembers.IfthisiswhatintegrationwassupposetobecomingoutoftheCivil
RightsMovement,thenithasbeenacompleteandmonumentalfailureforpoorBlackpeoplein
America.BlackcommunitiesarenotwhattheywerethemultifacetedandthrivingBlack
businessesofyesteryearhavebeenreducedtobarbershopsandbeautysalons,churchesand
funeralparlors,andthemomandpopsoulfoodrestaurants.Theclassdividebetweenpoorand
middleclassAfricanAmericansislargerthanever,andthereisaconvenientandperpetual
needtoblamepoorBlackfolksforeverythingthatailsBlackAmericalikegunsandviolence,
likedrugs,whenweknow,factually,thatWhitefolksrichonesandpooronesshootguns,are
violentandtakedrugs,too.Butpeoplelieandmakeupconvenienttruthstosuittheiragendas,
andweknowthatwhenracismandintraracismaretheorderoftheday,itsveryeasytoblame
theghetto,thehood,orsocalledniggers.
Anditiswithinthatcontext,now,wherewealsobearwitnesstothemeannessandvenom
manifestedduringtheObamayearswithapresidentelectedbyarainbowcoalitionthatmade
somebelieve,naively,thattheUnitedStateswasatitsbest:fullofempathyandcompassion
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andmagicallypostracial.Instead,duringhisterm,BarackObamahasreceivedmoredeath
threatsthananyothercommanderinchiefinAmericanhistoryhehasbeenthoroughly
disrespectedbyCongressionalmembersandotherelectedofficials,sometimestohisfaceand
thetheyweBlackfolksliketotalkaboutstillquestionObamasnationalityandethnicorigins,
hisreligion,hisloyaltytothecountry.ItisaFoxNewsChannelmentalitythatthrivesonfear,
hatred,violence,andintimidation.ItisaRepublicanPartywhereevenLincolnsflipflopping
politicswouldbewelcomegiventhefirebreathinginhumanityspewedfromitsleadershipin
thesetimes.
Ithasbeeninthisclimatethatthereseemstobeanexplosionofracialprofilingcases
throughoutAmerica.SaytheirnamesandyouhearSandraBland,MichaelBrown,RekiaBoyd,
OscarGrant,AiyannaJones,EricGarner,RenishaMcBridge,TamirRice...somanydeadBlack
bodiesthatIhavelostcount.Somekilledbypolice,somekilledbycivilianWhitefolks,some
BlackadultsandsomeBlackchildren,somewhereitwasclearcutandcapturedonvideo,some
wherethecircumstancesaremurky,theallegedcausesfeelingliketheliestheytoldmygreat
grandmotherafterherhusbandwasfounddeadinthatwater.
Butletsbeclear.TheseracialmurdersdidnotendwiththeCivilRightsMovement.Theynever
ended.IhavebeenanactivistsinceIwasateenager,sincethe1980s.Ihaveworkedonsomany
racialprofilingcasesthatIhavecometoexpect,weekly,newsofyetanotherBlackwomanor
Blackmankilled.Whathaschangedisthatwehave,inthesetimes,cellphonesandsocialmedia
torecordandsharethesetragedies.Idonotknowifthatisagoodthingorabadthing.For
everysingletimeaBlackpersonhasdiedatthehandsofapoliceofficer,orWhiteperson,
usuallyaWhitemale,intheircar,intheirchurch,intheirhood,mysoulgrowstautandmy
heartachesbecauseIknowbutforthegraceoftheGodIbelievein,thatcanbeme.
ThatisbecausetobeBlackinAmericaistoliveasortofdeatheverysingledayofyourlife.It
makesforastressful,paranoid,andschizophrenicexistence:AmIanAmerican,oramInot?
Youdonotknowhowyouwillbeassaulted,soyoubraceyourselffortheworstandhopeforthe
best.FormethatmeansIamforeverthinkingaboutthingsmyWhitesistersandbrothersdo
nothavetothinkabout.LikeifIcarrymyblackiPhoneinmyhandwillitbemistakenforagun,
andwillIconsequentlygetshotbyacop?LikeifI,amarathonrunner,jogmymilesthrough
certainneighborhoodsatcertaintimesofthedayornight,willsomeonecallthepoliceonme
or,worseyet,willtheymorphintoGeorgeZimmermantomyTrayvonMartinandbejudgeand
juryandexecutionerofmylife?LikeifIdaretoshowanemotionlikeoutwardconfidencewillI
bedeemedamenacetosociety,athreattothestatusquo,anuppityniggerorboywhoneeds
toknowmyplace,thewaysomeinAmericahavebeenoffendedbySuperBowlquarterback
CamNewton,hissmile,hissmirk,hisproclamationsthatheissuperman,hisdoingthedab
dancewheneverhemakesabigplay?
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LikeifIdaretochallengeorquestionaWhitewoman,aWhiteman,asIhavemanytimesthe
WhitefemalejournalistontheNewYorkpublicradiopodcast,theWhitemaleeditorofthat
nationalmensmagazine,theWhitewomenandmenbothwholiketocomeonmysocialmedia
pagestocriticizeandchallenge,randomlyanddisrespectfully,mypostswillIbepenalized,
ostracized,deemedaproblemchildsimplybecauseIusethemindmyGodgaveme?
LikeifIdaretoexpress,aloud,prideinmyheritage,myculture,mypeople,andto
acknowledge,throughmyart,asBeyoncdoeswithhersongFormation,willbeItoldthatI
amoffensiveandunacceptabletomiddleAmerica,becauseIalsoreferencetherevolutionary
elementsofmyhistoryliketheBlackPantherParty?
LikeifIdaretoconveyanyanger,asIdidwhenIwasinmy20sasacastmemberontheMTV
realityshowTheRealWorld,willIbebrandedassuchfortherestofmylife,tothepoint
where,twodecadeslater,IhaveabsolutelyoutragedWhitepeople,comingonmyTwitteror
Facebookpages,cursingmeout,tellingmetheydidnotlikemethenandtheydonotlikeme
now?OrlikeeverysingletimeIamonFoxNewsChannel,orsomeothernetwork,talkingabout
issueslikeviolence,guns,abortion,race,gender,whateveritmaybe,andIinevitablyget
tweets,emails,younameit,threateningmylife,callsformetogobacktoAfrica,tokillmyself,
tobekilled,justbecauseIhappentobeaBlackmaninAmericawithavoiceandanopinion
Thisiswhatthecancerofracismdoestome,topeoplelikeme.Wedieandhavetoresurrect
ourselvesdaytoday.WelaughandpartyandpraiseGodhardtokeepfromcryinganddying
inside,fromcommittingslowsuicide.Wecryandbattlelowselfesteemanddebilitatingangst
andsadnesssimplybecausewewonder,aloud,whatdidwedotobesoblackandblue?We
swallowtheracismuntilitbecomesasnaturaltousasourheartbeats,andthatinternalized
racismbecomesBlackselfhatred,Blackabuse,BlackonBlackviolencephysically,spiritually,
mentallyitbecomestheBlackelite,theBlackgatekeepers,thesocalledBlackleadersand
thinkers,theoneswhohavenorealplan,norealvision,norealimaginationwhenitcomes
downtotherealchallengesfacingBlackAmerica,yetarequicktopimporputdownBlack
America,particularlypoorBlackAmerica,everychancetheyget,buthavenothingtosayabout
Americanracismanditsdevastatingeffects,likeeveritbecomestheBlackwomanwriterwho
recentlyattackedmesonastilyonsocialmediabecauseshedidnotlikemyprivate,offthe
recordfeedbackonherworkorherapproachtoBlackissuesoritbecomestheBlackmale
airportworkerwholoudlydisrespectedmeatthesecuritycheckpointbecausehisfalsesenseof
powertoldhimIwasnothingbutaniggertobebossedaroundandcontrolledorthemany
timesinmyownlifewhereItoohavebeensowoundedbythissystemofoppressionthatI
lashedoutatanyandallBlackfolksbecauseindoingsoIwastryingtosmashthemirrorthat
wasmyselfonceandforall.Wearepained,wearehurt,wearedistressed,wearebewildered,
manyofusdowhateverwemusttodulltheawfulsensationsofracismwithdrink,with
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cigarettes,withdrugs,withsex,withvideogames,withsports,withmusic,withviolence,with
mistreatmenttoselfandtoothersaveryviciouscycle,atreadmillwecanneverseemtoescape

NOONENoOneshouldhavetolivelikethis,thinkthis,orbelikethis.Nooneshouldhave
toteachtheirchildrenhowtoreactifstoppedbythepolice.Nooneshouldhavetotelltheir
lovedonesbesafeorbecarefulwhentheyleavehome,notknowingiftheywilleverreturn,
notinthe21stcentury,notafterallthisnationhasbeenthrough,notafterallthemanylives
lost.Noone,includingme,shouldwakeinthemorningswonderingifthiswillbemylastdayon
earth,ifIwilldieatthehandsofapoliceofficer,oraWhiteracist,oradeeplydisturbedhuman
beingwhoisBlacklikeme...
Yeah,itisutterlyexhaustingtohavetonavigatedailythemacroandmicroslingsandarrows
thatareAmericanracism.Itisdoublyexhaustingtohavetodosoandalsoexplaintogood,
wellmeaningWhitepeopleoverandoveragainwhatracismis,whattheycanandshoulddo
andwhy,andthen,insomecases,beexpectedtoholdtheirhandsemotionally.Blackfolksin
AmericaaresickandtiredofbeingtheemotionalandspiritualhelpforWhiteAmericanswho
wanttogetitbutdonot.Wearealsosickandtiredofbeingthehistoricalmammyfigure,orthe
postmodernnanny,forevercateringtoyourneedswhileourneedsgetwoefullyneglected.You
wanttoendracisminAmericaandonthisplanet,myWhitesistersandbrothers,now,and
onceandforall?Youhavegottodotheworkyourselves,inyourcommunities,withpeoplewho
areWhitelikeyou.Icanandwillbeyourally,yourfriend,willworkincoalitionswithyou.But
justlikewhenIwasfirstchallenged,bywomen,tothinkaboutsexismandgenderoppressionas
amaninadifferentwaybackintheearly1990s,Icouldnotjustexpectwomentodomywork
forme.Ihadtodoit.NorcouldIexpectwomentoholdmyhand.AndIhadtodothiswork
withmenandboys,notwomenandgirls,primarily.BecauseIneededtogotothesourceofthe
powerandprivilege,nottothesufferersofthatpowerandprivilege.Thisisnoteasywork,
challengingsystemsofoppression.Butthechoiceofdoingnothingorremaininginactivemeans
acontinueddeathoftheAmericansoul,oftheAmericanpsyche,andanacceptanceofthe
sicknessthatiswithinallofus.TobeignoranttowhatIamsayingisasickness.TothinkIam
lyingorexaggeratingisasickness.Tothinkyouaresomehowimmunefromallofthisisa
sickness.Andtotwistthingsaround,tobelievethatyouaresomehowthevictim,insheer
oppositiontohistoryandmoderndayfacts,isasickness,asortofmentalandspiritual
escapismdevoidoftruthanddevoidofadesireforrealhealingandrealreconciliationin
America.

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WillRacismEverEnd,WillIEverStopBeingaNigger?CommunityUtneReader

THEABOVESAID,thisissomuchbiggerthan#OscarsSoWhiteor#BlackLivesMatter,
althoughbotharesymptomsofthebiggerproblem.TheAcademyAwardsaresoWhitebecause
AmericastillbelievesitissoWhite,thatWhitestoriesmatterandthatthestoriesofpeopleof
colordonot,exceptonrareoccasions,andwiththesamebasictypesofcharactersandplots.
Rarelyarewepermittedtobecomplex,multilayered,thoughtfulhumansonfilmortelevision,
exceptforthemasterfulproducingworkof,say,aShondaRhimes,thatrareBlackperson
shininginHollywood.ThisiswhyIsayBlacklivesdonotreallymatterbecauseiftheydidwe
wouldnotneedtosayitoverandoveragain.Who,precisely,arewetryingtoconvinceofthis
fact?
ThisisalsosomuchbiggerthanhowweperceiveaPeytonManningoraTomBradyversushow
weperceiveaCamNewtonoraLeBronJamesalthoughweknowWhitemencanbeangry,
confident,sullen,rude,sorelosersnobacklashforPeytonManningafterhisSuperBowl44
lossanddemeanorversusnonstopbacklashforCamNewtonafterhisSuperBowl50lossand
demeanorweknowWhitemencanbefathersofchildrenwithoutbeingmarriedtothemother
andneveraccusedofmakingbabiesoutofwedlock,eveniftheydidExhibitAisTomBradys
firstchildversusCamNewtonsfirstchildsamescenariobutadifferentpublicreaction.Andit
isnotmadcoolwhenafamousornonfamousBlackwomanormanshowsarangeofemotions,
includingangerandconfidence:sheorhebecomesapariah,athingtobemarked,labeled,
hated,condemned,andwatchedbyfalseangelswithdirtyfaces.ThinkofSerenaWilliams,
thinkofNinaSimone,thinkofSandraBlandwhenshewaspulledoverbythatTexascop.That
saidweknowacertainsegmentoftheAmericantastemakingmachinelikesitheroestobe
heterosexualWhitemen.Soifyouare,say,aheterosexualBlackmalehero,youmustbethe
apoliticalandsociallydetachedMichaelJordantype.YoucannotbeMuhammadAli,or
someonelikeAliinhisprimelike,say,CamNewton.Nah.Youcannotdesiretobeincontrolof
yourowncareer,yourownlife,andyourowndestiny,likeLeBron.Nah.Youmustbeobedient,
youmustbegrateful,youmustbeanemployeeonly,onewhodoesnotthinkorknowyourown
valueyoumustbeneutralandyoumustcastrateyourselfandyourdignity,byanymeans
necessary
Andso,yousee,thatiswhythisisalsosomuchbiggerthanaDonaldTrump,althoughweknow
thatTrumprepresentseverythingthatiswrongwithAmerica,notjustbecauseheisanangry,
foulmouthed,disrespectful,opportunistic,racist,sexist,andclassistheterosexualWhitemale,
butbecauseheknowshehaspowerandprivilege,andusesittoinjureothers,withoutany
remorsewhatsoever.TrumpsracismisthesameracismofBarryGoldwater,ofNixon,of
Reagan,ofGeorgeW.,ofPaulRyan,ofRudyGiuliani,ofChrisChristie,ofcertainkindsof
straightWhitemenofmeansandaccess,whocouldcarelessaboutmiddleclassandworking
classWhiteAmericans,butwhohaveconvenientlycreatedandspreadalie,inthinlyveiled
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WillRacismEverEnd,WillIEverStopBeingaNigger?CommunityUtneReader

racialtones,thattheenemyoftheseWhitefolksinmiddleAmerica,intheAmericanSouth,are
theBlackfolksandotherpeopleofcolorwhothreatentheirfreedoms,theirjobs,theirsecurity,
andtheirrights.WhetherTrumpreallymeanswhatheissayingorifheissimplybeinghighly
opportunisticisinconsequential.Factisheissayingthosethings,peoplefeelandbelievehim,
andhecontinuesastorylinethathasbroughtgreatharmtoAmericaforcenturiesnow.Because
thegreatesttrickofaracistisgettingfolkstobelievethatracismdoesntexistinthefirstplace
orthatthepeoplewithnopowerandnoprivilegearetherealracists,therealoppressors.

BUTINSPITEofthequestionsinthetitleofthisessay,andinspiteallIhavewrittenhere,I
reallydohavelimitlesshopeforhumanity,forAmerica.Itisinmyspirit,itisinmybones,and
itisinmyDNA.Ihavenootherchoice.Idonotwanttosaytheclichdthingaboutracismnot
endinginmylifetime,becauseIwillcontinuetodoeverythingIcantohelpitend,beforeIdie.
AndasIcrisscrossAmericaweekly,yes,Idohearthesadandsordidtalesofracismoncollege
campuses,ofBlackstudentleadersandBlackstudentathletesprotestingoneinsultafter
another.Andyes,Idoseeininnumerablecommunitiespeoplefightingthegoodfightagainst
racism,againsthate.ButIalsosee,asIspeakatandfacilitatepublicconversationsinplacesas
differentasPerrysburg,Ohio,andMinneapolis,Minnesota,agenuinefatiguewiththeracism,
withthehatred,withthefearandignoranceandviolenceanddivision,withpeoplenottalking
withandlisteningtoeachother,evenwhenitisnotcomfortabletodoso.Yes,Ihavehope
becauseofyoungpeople,thediversegroupsofyouthfulAmericansIencountereverywhereIgo,
whoatleasthaveawillingnesstohear,tolearn,toshare.Itistheirfearlessness,theiridealism,
theiropennessthatkeepsmegoing,thatmakesmebelievewecanchangehistoryandchange
thisworld.
Finally,wehaveheardforyears,atleastgoingbacktothepresidencyofBillClinton,thiscallfor
anationalconversationonrace.WhatIhavecometorealizeisthatthatisapoliticalfootballfor
certainkindsofpoliticalleaderstotossaboutwhenthereisyetanotherraciallymotivated
tragedyinourAmerica.Thatifthereistrulyistobeaconversation,arawandrealdialogue,
thatitmustcomefromthebottomup,fromwethepeople.IvesaidallIcansayaboutAmerica,
aboutAmericanhistory,aboutwhatracismhasdonetome,tomyfamily.Iamdrainedand
neartears,tobedownrighthonest,fromwritingthispiece,becauseitforcedmetorevisitboth
newandoldtraumas,torevisitnewandoldwarswithmyself,withothers,warsthatIreallydo
notwanttofight.IwanttohealIwantusalltoheal.Thishealingworkmusthappenwith
WhitesistersandbrothersanditmusthappenwithBlacksistersandbrothers,andsistersand
brothersofeveryracialandculturalupbringinginAmerica.Protests,rallies,marchesshould
continuetohappenaslongasracismexists,aslongasthereisinequality,injustice,andthe
absenceofopportunitiesforallpeople.Theymust.Butwealsomustbeconsciousofhowthis
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WillRacismEverEnd,WillIEverStopBeingaNigger?CommunityUtneReader

racismcancereatsatus,howitdestroysusfromtheinsideout,howwemustlearnthe
differencebetweenproactiveangerandreactionaryanger.Proactiveangerbuildsbridges,
possibilities,alliances,movements,and,ultimately,love.Reactiveangerdestroysbridges,
breedsdysfunction,andspreadsmoremadnessandconfusion.Yes,passionisnecessary,and
weshouldbeangrybecauseofwhatIhavedescribedinthisessay,foritisanaturalhuman
emotion.Butthatangermustnotbecometheveryhatewesayweareagainst.
ForWhiteAmericansthismeansyouvegottoreinventyourselvesifyouareseriousabout
riddingoursocietyofracism.YouvegottoaskyourselfwhoandwhatwasIbeforeIbecame
White?Whatdoesitmeantometobehuman,tobeahumanbeing,andwhat,again,amI
willingtodo,willingtosacrifice,andwillingtogiveuptobeapartofthisnecessaryhealing
process?YoumustlearntolistentothevoicesofBlackpeopleandotherpeopleofcolor,you
mustnotfeeltheneed,througharroganceorinsecurity,totelluswhoweare,whatweshould
bethinkingorfeelingordoing,andyoumust,withloveandrespect,understandwhenwemay
behypersensitivetorace,toracism,giventhehistoryandpresentdayrealitiesofourAmerica.
Shuttingusdownorignoringusorunfriendingussaysyoudonottrulywantaconversation,
asequals,especiallyifthatconversationmakesyouuncomfortable.
Asforme,Ijustwanttobeatpeace,IjustwanttoseeloveintheworldIjustwanttoloveand
honormyself,whoIam,withoutitbeingconsideredanaffrontordangertosomeoneelse,
becauseofracism,becauseofhateandignoranceandfear.Idonotwanttobe,forever,that
exasperationandanguishinSandraBlandsvoiceonthatvideowheretheTexascoppulledher
over,mylifetheheavydragonthecigaretteshesmoked,notknowingjustafewdayslatershe
wouldbefoundhanginginaTexasjailcell.Idonotwanttopickupagunandcommitsuicide
atthedooroftheOhiostatehousebecausemydemonsgotthebestofmelike23yearold
#BlackLivesMatteractivistMarShawnM.McCarrelII.Idonotwantmylifetoendprematurely,
atyourhandsoratmine,andIdonotwantmylifetobeinvain,becauseofwhatIam.Idonot
wantmyworkforfreedom,justice,andequalityforallpeopletokillme,iswhatIamsaying,to
destroyme,torendermemuteanduseless,tomyself,toothers.ThatmeansIjustwanttobea
wholehumanbeing,afreehumanbeing,andrespectedassuch.AndIjustwanttoliveinan
America,andonaplanet,whereIcandream,forever,insteadofbeingtired,irritated,
uncomfortable,andscared,forever,thatmylifewillsomehowwindupasanightmare

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