David Mariluch

Personal Change Proposal

COMM 2110
Feb. 1 2016
Only the wisest and dumbest of men do not change.
-my fortune cookie
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to
know the difference.
-Reinhold Niebuhr

Goal:
To improve my interpersonal perceptions skills (Beebe, p. 80) and interpersonal effectiveness when communicating
to my family, friends, and my girlfriend by being mindful (Beebe, p. 80) and checking my perceptions (Beebe, p. 81)
before I address any interpretations or judgments along with managing my emotions more effectively and
identifying specific goals before engaging in interpersonal conflict (Beebe, p. 221).

Rationale:
Addressing our perceptions and assumptions without checking our perceptions first can lead to misunderstanding
and ineffective communication. I have noticed that in my personal life me being emotional or not checking my
perceptions carefully before addressing an issue or engaging in interpersonal conflict (Beebe, p. 221) regularly
develops into ego-conflict (Beebe, p. 229). Furthermore, when engaging in a conflict, my failure to manage my
emotions (Beebe, p. 241) effectively and identify specific goals (Beebe, p. 247) of the interaction has led to
ineffective communication and ineffective conflict management (Beebe, p. 234). I want to develop these skills and
better understanding so that my interactions with my girlfriend, family, and friends that develop into conflict will
also develop accurate beliefs about others and are resolved in a more effective manner in line with my values and
goals (Beebe, p. 33-34 & 247).

Strategies:
Personal Perception (Beebe, p. 80-82).
Aware of Barriers: I will avoid imposing consistency on the behaviors of those close to me, I will rather try to
understand the behavior and apply it only to the single event. I will not simply focus and put more weight into the
negative things that are said to me by those close to me. I will be understanding of changes or things not going as
planned without assuming the other person had control and blaming them. For instance when my girlfriend is not
able to keep a commitment I will try to understand her reasons why and ask rather than imposing blame. I will be
open to taking responsibility for my cause of a problem rather than avoiding it.
Aware of Others Perceptions: I will take active feedback willingly from those close to me and even ask for
feedback so that I can have an accurate self-perception without becoming defensive.
Check Perceptions: To check the accuracy of my perceptions I will use indirect perception checking by looking
for other cues about things, such as tone, body language, eye contact, etc. To further check the accuracy of my
perceptions with direct perception checking (Beebe, p. 81). I will address the facts of what I perceived with those
close to me and ask them if my interpretations are accurate.
Become Other-Oriented: To be other-oriented I will put myself in the other persons shoes and try to see things
from their perspective. When doing so I will consciously think about their thoughts and feelings while empathizing
with their feelings rather than becoming defensive or judgmental.

David Mariluch
Personal Change Proposal
COMM 2110
Feb. 1 2016

Conflict Management (Beebe, p. 240-251).

Manage Emotions:
When having a conversation I will take the time to be aware of my emotions and if I need to cope to bring them
down first before continuing.
I will check the facts of what is going on, check my perceptions, and determine if my emotions are justified by
seeing if theyre for the right reason (i.e., anger=blocked goal) or effective for communication before expressing
them. Before having a discussion I will make sure I am not vulnerable by already being upset or tired, etc.
I will plan my message and goals of the discussion ahead of time using the method: describe, assert, express,
reinforce, negotiate; I will also prepare for possible feedback and situations to respond to.
One of my biggest goals is to establish a rapport before engaging in a conflict. I will take the time to establish a
positive environment where we are both comfortable before engaging in a discussion. We can talk about other
things and have fun, complimenting each other, joking, etc. before engaging in conflict. This has been difficult
for me especially with my girlfriend because she takes the ending of a discussion or interaction to define the
entire day.
I will use self-talk to discuss with myself vulnerabilities and possible outcomes before responding to feedback.
Manage Information:
I will clearly describe the facts of the situation with the same method: describe, express, assert, reinforce, and
negotiate.
I will take turns talking. I have found that silences between me talking turns into me continuing to talk and often
rambling or getting off subject or too into my own head to be an effective discussion.
When communicating I will use I language to describe things such as a saw this, I felt that, I thought this, I
want that, etc. I will also avoid buts in my language, I do this by using the word and instead.
I will check my understandings and perceptions actively by asking the other person for clarity instead of
jumping to conclusions and reacting. By saying things like: So, if I understand you Or when you say this, I
think youre asking.
I will maintain turning my mind towards empathy by being other-oriented.
Manage Goals:
After going through the method of describe and express while actively listening and taking feedback I will
identify both of our goals by having us each assert what we want to have happen. I personally want to make
sure I take the time to ask what they want as well. I want to do this by keeping my values in priority
(relationship, objective, or self-respect).
Next we will take time to see how our goals are similar, and negotiating how we can come to a compromise
where each of us is happy. I will ask questions like: what do we both want? What do we both value? Where are
we in agreement?

Manage the Problem:

David Mariluch
Personal Change Proposal
COMM 2110
Feb. 1 2016

I will attempt to focus on what we both want, take time to come up with many solutions, and base our decisions
on standards for acceptable solutions to the problem.
When solving the problem I will define the problem specifically, analyze the problem by going chronologically
through it, and then determining if its a conflict, pseudo-conflict, or ego-conflict. Then we will determine if the
problem is from a build-up of issues or one main problem.
Once we determine our goals and many possible solutions we will both agree on a best solution that saves face
for each of us.

Implementation:
I am going to write out all the strategies and skills and review them twice a week. Before going into a discussion I
will write out my specific goal for the conversation and what I want to talk about in an effective manner. I will use
the strategy of describing the facts of the situation first, then expressing my emotions, followed by asserting what I
want and reinforcing why I want it or why it is beneficial, and lastly negotiating how we can achieve a compromise.
While going through this method I will maintain a healthy dialectic by asking questions, getting feedback, listening,
and maintaining an other-oriented mindset. I will go through each strategy in personal perception and conflict
management first and prepare myself by imagining possible feedback from the other person and situations I might
use them in. After the interaction I will go and write down what skills I used or didnt use, how they were effective
or ineffective for my goal, and what I would like to do differently next time.

Works Cited:
Beebe, Steven A, Beebe, Susan J, Redmond, Mark V. (2014) Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others.
Boston: Pearson [Allyn & Bacon]