https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.

com/2014/11/30/why-are-narcissists-are-so-dangerous/

Why Are Narcissists Are So Dangerous?

As youll read below, every survivor describes narcissists in DANGEROUS terms. Each person thats
been victimized personally by a narcissist will warn you and serve as a cautionary tale that if you
welcome a narcissist into your life, youre dancing with the devil; welcoming them in to do one thing
and one thing only to you: use, abuse and destroy you.
Many onlookers or those who havent experienced the narcissist in an unmasked state have a hard time
believing that the people we describe and the horrendous acts of abuse committed on us were done by
the very people they have a different opinion of. They dont understand the disordereds modus
operandi. They dont understand that their belief that the narcissist is a likeable or admirable
character is evidence that the danger has already started, theyre manipulated by the narcissists mask
and theyre in complete denial of reality.
There are two main traits of a narcissist that most all other symptomology stems from: Delusional
reality and lack of empathy.

DELUSIONAL REALITY
The first reason a narcissist is dangerous to others is because they are in complete denial of reality.
Here are a few of the delusions that are always present in a narcissists psyche:
Delusion of Grandeur - This denial of reality comes in the form of the narcissist having the belief about
themselves that they just deserve more. Theyre larger than life, a celebrity in their own minds, entitled
to take from people without having to give anything back. Statements that reflect delusions of grandeur
go something like this Dont you know who I am? I had to wait in line for an hour! I wont be
spending MY money here again, if this is the service I get.
According to the DSM-IV TR grandiose-type symptoms include grossly exaggerated beliefs of ones
own:

self-worth
power
knowledge
identity
exceptional relationship to a divinity or famous person.

Perfect Image Anyone who thinks that perfection is obtainable and struggles to feel worthy without
achieving perfection is not in touch with reality. Reality dictates that we are fallable. We make
mistakes, we fail, we fumble, we screw up; this is a fact of life, nature, the universe. For the narcissist,
they possess the delusion that if they or the people around them achieve an image of being perfect
that they will finally feel ok. Theyre striving for something outside of themselves to feel good
inside; this will NEVER happen.
Entitlement Others exist to serve them Narcissists hold the delusional thought that other human
beings are objects that only exist to serve their needs. They view others in an inhumane way which
allows them to act out on us with no empathy because they dont believe we have rights of our own that
the narcissist needs to pay any attention to. This complete and utter disregard for the rights of others,
stems from their delusional thoughts that only ONE person benefits (wins) and that is the narcissist
themselves. Narcissists view that everyone owes them is not in any way, shape, and/or form

realistic.
Boundaries dont exist Not being aware of the boundaries that exist between two people is a denial
of reality. The reality is that two people have separate identities, with separate thoughts, feelings,
motivations, dreams, ideas, goals and rights. When a narcissist treats others as if they have the right to
order, control, push and dictate anothers behavior (even if its manipulatively disguised as helpful
advice), they are more driven by their desire for power than they are the right of the person theyre
controlling to think, feel or act for themselves and are blinded from reality by that desire for power.
Non-Identity = Non-Accountability Because a narcissist has a flexible, chameleon like identity,
they have no solid foundation of self other than being that of a manipulative, changing being. They
have no sense of self from which certain expectations and rules of conduct will flow. Their modus
operandi is whatever works. Since they hold no code of ethics, their behaviors are categorized to
them as either effective or non effective. Effective behaviors will be repeated regardless of the
consequences to others. Since a narcissist has no boundaries, they dont see the impact to others,
because they dont see them as others.
A narcissists construct literally goes like this:
Narcissist pounds your thumb with a hammer.
You scream in pain and yell, what did you do that for!!??
A narcissist will be able to say, Do What??!! Believing they did NOTHING, because they didnt feel
any pain whatsoever in their thumb.
If you insist on getting the narcissist to see the error of this whacky exchange, you will be told, Well,
you shouldnt have had your hand on the table.
The subject will be dropped and you will spend your time feeling bewildered and perplexed by the
insanity of all, until it happens again, then youll focus on that atrocity and wont be able to see that this
has been the pattern all along.
Narcissists are in charge of reality Power mongers. Control freaks who cant recognize boundaries
are the only people who can possibly believe that what they think is the reality for EVERYONE. It
becomes very apparent that a narcissist believes themselves to be all knowing when theyre insistent
that they know what you think, what you are really saying, who you really are or what your motivation
really is. Their entitlement and lack of boundaries allows them to play God; theyre the writers of the
script, the great puppeteers, the all knowing Wizard of Oz.
Worn down targets find it easier to just roll over and fold. We realize the narcissists ability to argue and
fight surpasses our own, we arent interested in winning just being heard, but there comes a point
where its just too exhausting to take the narcissist to task on these frequent power plays.
Most realistic people have an awareness of when theyre acting in a manipulative or coercive manner
and feel a sense of responsibility to back off, not cross that line or not offer unsolicited advice or
opinions. We respect the boundaries of others, because we are aware they exist. Narcissists have NO
CONCEPT of these lines and what constitutes obtrusive behavior.
Rapists, child molesters, robbers and murderers have the same inhumane view of people, viewing them
as objects to exploit at will and have no concept that it is wrong to violate or cross the demarcation
lines of anothers property, being or identity.
We as an enlightened society, KNOW that these types of people are dangerous and frankly would be
quite relieved committing these people to institutions so that they cant harm society in these atrocious
ways again. If you can understand this danger, then you can understand why former victims of

narcissists view them with the same passionate concern for safety of themselves and others.

LACK OF EMPATHY
Its my personal opinion that empathy is the one quality that makes all of us true human beings. The
ability to have a compassion for our fellow man that causes us to behave in ways that do no harm to
them is a powerfully connecting emotion. Empathy is having the ability to step into anothers
experience, set yourself aside & allows you to honor anothers feelings and needs in a way that enriches
and edifies them. We need each other to respond in empathetic ways to our pain, journey, and joys
through life; it connects us.
One of the key presenting traits of narcissists is their utter incapability to empathize. When you see a
pattern of human cruelty that the narcissist commits on their loved ones or affiliates, you will see the
lack of empathy present in various ways:
Ignoring requests to cease behavior (like cheating , stealing, lying, etc.)
Name calling, criticizing, belittling, mean jokes, jabs and put downs (verbal abuse)
Serial cheating
Arguments surrounding the same issues over and over
Turning around the partners concerns to blame them and block the conversation
A frustrated partner who doesnt feel heard, listened to, understood
No closure no apologies, no accountability, no consequences, no change
A partner who suffers the consequences of the narcissists repetitive pattern of poor / destructive
choices
The bottom line to all these behaviors?
THEY JUST DONT CARE.
This bears repeating.
THEY JUST DONT CARE.
Narcissists are capable of inflicting physical and psychological harm on others and are unmoved by the
plight of those they hurt.
If you are trying to analyze a narcissists behavior and hear yourself saying, But they SHOULD
STOP RIGHT THERE. Whether or not a narcissist should care, is irrelevant because it was built into
them a very very long time ago, that they CANT CARE. They dont have the built in capacity to care:
they lack EMPATHY.
When were discussing the insidious subtext to a narcissists dangerous behavior, lets remember that
on the SURFACE, the narcissist is still pretending, charming, conning, manipulating, giving you some
bones, whatever behaviors work to get you to continue to stick around even though the narcissist
doesnt care and KNOWS THEY DONT truly care will be the tools they use again and again to keep
you around.
Confused?
This is what narcissistic survivors go through. At every moment, there are two relationships occurring
that is just out of the conscious awareness of targets: The pretend relationship where the narcissist
uses words not actions to convince you that what you have is a loving relationship, youre on the same
page, your future is looking bright.IF you could stop being imperfect, and doing the things the

narcissist is actually doing to prevent the relationship from working. (Translation: if you can just be the
constant receptacle of the negative traits the narcissist discharges on you and never ask for anything for
yourself and dont question the twisted reality you live in, then things will work out and youll get a
version of what you want: their love however conditional it is; and it is) This smoke and mirrors
relationship is the one where the talk is that the narcissist cares about you. Its the reality we try to
live in, because the other is just too painful to bear.
The other relationship is the REAL ONE: the constant barrage of twisted head games, the layers and
levels of abuse, the syphoning off of your soul and life force, the betrayals going on behind your back,
the manipulation, the control, the shaming and blame, the threats, the word salads, the lies. This is the
relationship that is evident in BEHAVIOR that the narcissist truly does not care. While were in it, we
keep this reality at arms length.
The general populous will feel fear when a serial killers m.o. is displayed on nightly television. Theyll
see the lack of empathy quite clearly and realize that there is something seriously wrong with those
people and be aghast over how heartless someone can behave towards another human being.
Targets live this reality up close and personal every single day. We see the danger firsthand, we live it.
We dont suddenly wake up one day and say, You know, Im going to be a zealot about narcissism. I
want to pick on these lovely people because Im mad at them.
If someone is selling themselves this delusional bit of goods, they are surely held captive by the
narcissists delusions. We are zealous about getting the word out there about this disorder and this abuse
because weve all been burnt by the danger of a narcissists disorder.
Not just touched with a match slightly burnt but our houses, our lives, our souls, our identities, our
relationships, our values, our trust, our world views have been torched to the ground in an aggressive
act of intentional arson.
Although we are the star and credible witness to this crime and have the information that will put this
criminal away for years so that someone else doesnt suffer the same atrocity, no one believes it or
cares enough that they step in to listen or help us.
Since we cannot hold a narcissist accountable, we can make good use of our effort to enlighten and
educate others who are vulnerable to this abuse and be the support to other targets whose abuse has
been ignored and invalidated by others who have a problem recognizing their danger.
Its been said that more is learned about the narcissist through what their former targets have to say
about them than anything they could say about themselves:
Christine: unrealistic sense of entitlement very high ego superficial and vein no conscience no empathy
no sense of boundaries no guilt no remorse : terrible evil sick twisted fucked up monsters, rude and
very arrogant not human.starts smears campaigns and spreads lies and half truths behind their victims
back and all those who stand in the way of their evil plans. the narc/sociopath prince/princess.
Suzanna: Their ability to appear to others as the epitome of charm, love, and compassion, and only
their victims see the real side to them.
Hula: The Devil.
Lynne: They will do whatever it takes to get what they want. If they dont achieve it, they will destroy
everything in their path, even children and family. They reinvent history to suit their needs and destroy
decent people.

Kaye: Cunning, insidious, remorseless, selfish, abusive, liar, phoney, taker, manipulator, entitled,
deranged, attention seeking,
Shallow
Doug: Insecure and filled with pain.
Ellen:Unconcerned about his trail of emotional wreckage,totally self-absorbed with his own
gratification, clueless and dismissive as to the after-effects on those he discards
How Lynne: Empty they are empty bags of misery to themselves and those around them. You can
spend a life trying to fill them and enough love and patience simply does not exist. They drag those
around them into their own private abyss and swear that darkness isnt dark.
Marinky: Toxic, everything he/she touches is destroyed, lack of remorse, lack of responsibility, double
even triple personalities, pathological liar, manipulative and controlling, lack of boundaries and
empathy, too much self-absorbed and self-entitlement, backstabber, gossiper.
Holly: They believe their own lies. That makes them very believable to others.
Jean: I trusted. I believed the charm. I was raised to be a perfect victim. My soul was murdered.
Manipulation, lies, greed etc all takes a toll.
Heidi: They are dangerous because of the MASK they wear their charm hides it so well leaving you
stunned and immobile once he removes it and you see the true personyou cant tell a narc from a
decent human while wearing it.very dangerous:(
Marilyn: Predatorial. Interpersonally exploitive. They arent the scary boogie man in the bush. They are
in your BED!! They bait the trap with LOVE. They use happily ever after to draw you into striking
distance.
They have NO compunction.there is NOTHING they wont say.NOTHING they wont do to GET
what they crave. They will fake cancer, euthanize pets. put arsenic in your morning coffee and kiss you
and tell you they love you as they watch you drink it.
Youd expect such treachery from an enemy.not a lover. The cognitive dissonance of the cocktail of
love and loathing makes you bleed out your ears from trying to figure out whats happening to you.
I used to know a little developmentally disabled girl. She used look at you with beautiful pleading blue
eyes.reach her arms out to you for a hug.her face would get sweet like puss n boots in a scene
from SHREK. It was almost impossible to say no. how could you say no?
Many hugged her unawares..only to find themselves suddenly locked in the grip of her atsoundingly
powerful arms with her sharp teeth buried deep in the flesh of their shoulder.
Thats what a narc doesdraws you in as you expect something wonderful and loving only to be
blindsided by a bewildering attack. ROMANTIC AMBUSH!!
Gosselin: Selfish, egotistical, evil, cruel, lying, abusive, tyrant!
Misa: insane
Dorie: Sneaky and calculating
Aire: That they can seem very emotional but they can only feel empathy with themselves. Or someone
distant they are talking about. Sometimes they can seem to show support but only cause they Will need
that person later on or wants to build up a good reputation as the sweetest person in the world.. When
it really matters they can be cruel, so cruel you wouldnt believe it when it happens.

Judith: predatory, vicous, narcissistic, bloodless Boneless, void of any soul the Antichrist of all
Demons
Lori: pure evil
Megs: Compulsive liar and a thief
Kim: Relentless.
Cinnamon: STAY~CLEAR!!! IT only gets WORSE!!!..4 YOU!!!~~~
Diana: Demon possessed scumbags.
Cathy: Self-absorbed
Lola: Mental abusers
Shawna: ALIEN!
Chris: Zero Insight Zero Empathy, not a good combo
Rowena: Con artists x
Susan: Raging monster!
Carl: Credible, plausable, manipulative and to top it all off superficially friendly, calm and decent. That
makes them always look like the innocent party and their victim as whatever they want to paint them
out to be until the mask comes off and then wait for the Im so sorry we doubted you, we never
guessed s/he could be like that from those that initially thought you were just slagging him/her off or
exagerrating. The true enablers will simply refuse to see the truth in front of them though no matter
what, because they WANT to believe in the narcissist.
Debbi: evil
Jacky: Diabolical predators!
Stephanie: Pathological liars, victims themselves, hollow eyed monsters, arrogant, bore easily, always
doing something radical (buying selling crap, change of jobs), always find negative in everybody,
backstabbers, suck in bed, feel they earned the sense of entitlement to treat partners, kids, friends etc.
poorly, only think of themselves, will never admit their wrong, try to isolate you, turn you away from
your friends/family, controlling, weak, and again pathological liars. Its kind of fun going to Facebook
pages because theyre easy to identify pictures of themselves always posing, doing something
exciting, rarely comment on others post unless its sarcastic or over the top intellectual and basically
attention grabbing. They are hyenas because they are the most toxic animal on the face of the planet.
Toxic because they are fakes, people dont see their true colors until they are eaten alive.
Susan: Pathological Planners with Destructive Intent
Chelsea: If you ever engage in an argument with them make sure its in a safe place to do so. Like
around others who will rally with you and not against you.
Nancy Robinson | November 30, 2014 at 2:56 PM
Try getting divorced from a Narcissist! In the above great article, the paragraph that particularly struck
me was the one titled Non identity=Non accountability. My N husband and I have been legally
separated for 6 years, and living apart for more than 7 years. All of a sudden, in this past April 2014, he
decided to change the Legal Separation Agreement to a divorce. This necessitated my retaining a
lawyer. I had no money, and an anonymous person gave me $5000.00 to fight for my rights in this
weird, sci-fi battle. Five months of ugliness, thousands of dollars spent on each side, and guess what!!!
The morning of the day we were to go to our final court date to sign the divorce papers, HE told his
lawyer to drop the whole thing. Two hours later, I got an email from m lawyer saying the divorce filing
had been dropped y the court. My lawyer and I had fought hard with HIS lawyer, and gained some

things that would have helped me. All gone! My N husband felt no accountability even to his own
lawyer and the court system,and in the end, capriciously left me back in limbo-land.with business
as usual. I was so stunned, I spent much of the next two months sleeping on the sofa with a blanket
over my head. He is 75 and i am 72..too old for this kind of nonsense. I dont know why he dropped
the divorce.. There must have been.something financially advantageous to him i doing so.

puameliaclinic | November 30, 2014 at 3:40 PM

Reblogged this on It's All In The Head.

movingliquid | November 30, 2014 at 6:24 PM

The saddest part is we only find out about narcissists when we have suffered one. By then its too late.

Vanda | November 30, 2014 at 6:47 PM

The worse is the loneliness you feel after or if ever you get away. If you dont respond they use the
ones you love to get to you. No one believed me, they more blamed me and turned away , told me to
get over it and lose the anger. Shut down the creatures ability to create havoc in my soul. They see me
as unstable and paranoid and I lost faith in human kind because of it. I had two encounters with two
different narcs at almost the same time. Both relatives and both I loved. Because they were family
losing them was impossible. I got to see and feel everyday the carnage they created in my life. It is still
the same. My mom just passed and what the creature caused in that hospital while she suffered was
criminal. But the creature got her show. At my mom s expense. I need help . I need to get away.

Desiree Pretorius | December 1, 2014 at 1:16 AM

My self worth my life my kids im a broken person.

Betsy | December 1, 2014 at 6:40 AM

Its my mother and her 5 other children and grandchildren. Its gaslighting and humiliating activity. Its
lying to others outside the family. Its bullying through email and text messages. Its psychological
games to make me break down in ruin and self doubt. Its deep fear for myself and my children both for
mental and physical anguish. Its pure evil.

pooloftears | December 2, 2014 at 1:15 AM

If I may I would like to contribute another thought about arguing with a narcissist (in response to one
of the many quotes characterizing their behavior): Id rather that you didnt surround yourself with
allies in a safe place to argue with a narcissist. If the option is there at all, Id rather that you just
DONT argue with the narcissist, ever. The time and energy and money which most of us spend
pursuing loving relationships with the Divine, others, and ourselves, careers with substance and
meaning, good health, and advancement in other pursuits that matter to us, the narcissist uses to perfect
his or her craft of manipulation and sabotage.
While life is a much bigger deal than any game, theres something to be said for framing life, and
especially conflicts and arguments that way. You as a presumably normal-to-healthy person are playing
a game in which your objective is to stop a pattern of abuse thats causing pain in your life, and you
play by rules that involve logic and morality. The trouble with this is that you will absolutely never in a
million years win this game, because the narcissist is not playing with you, even if they are right there
interacting with you. The narcissist plays by infinitely changeable rules, and his/her objective is to
come out on top. Youre playing checkers and the narcissist is playing make-the-other-person-crazy.
You may win the game thats sitting there on the table, but the narcissist is going to be playing a whole
other game the whole time, maybe dozens of them, and they WILL win. They wont stop.

If they cant or dont want to beat you at checkers, they might play stomp-on-the-opponents-footunder-the-table.
If that doesnt work, they might play harp-on-the-opponents-ugly-outfit-until-they-snap.
If that doesnt work, theyll make up one game after another until they find one in which they win and
you lose.
Same thing with an argument. They will probably never admit youre right, and you can be quite
certain that if they do, they will find some way to establish themselves as *more* right. The only way
to win against a narcissist is to get as far away as you can.

marrohop | December 17, 2014 at 10:32 AM

Evil Evil they have no compassion for anybody on the face-of-the earth. Including their own
children. Just greed and compent for everyone. Blood-sucking leeches. May the devil take them.

freebird8790 | December 18, 2014 at 3:59 AM

To Nancy Robinson: Your story hurts my heart! When I was trying to help a friend of mine with her
divorce (after mine, from my ex-Nar of 23 years), her husband wanted to do the same thing (stop the
divorce process) you & your lawyer could have filed a motion that doesnt allow the process to stop
if the other party tries to bail out at the last minute. Im sorry your lawyer did not advise you of that so
that you could continue on with the divorce proceeding and finally get it all over with. Im sorry youve
had to deal with such a horrid creature for so long. I hope Karma eventually shows up in his world at
what he has done to you.

Karen | December 18, 2014 at 6:47 PM

They live by the saying do as I say not as I do.

Hofman (@Gretige) | January 1, 2015 at 3:48 PM

I believe they are first selected, than manipulated.

Selection at the first generation, the next generations are being observed an manipulated.
Once such behavior is known, they can be blackmailed and used for agendas of treason by the enemies
of the communities.

Jeff | January 10, 2015 at 1:47 PM

Can only say that I have only figured out the sickness in my family in the last few years and it has
been a painful journey. My mother and brother are 2 of the sickest people I know and my dad was
a compliant doormat. My older brother molested and abused me from the age of 5, he being 8 years
older than me. After suppressing the abuse for over 30 years I figured out that it was meant to steal my
soul at a young age by an older sibling who viewed me as a threat to his superior existence. During
my childhood my parents were preoccupied after acquiring a property with an ocean view for their
later years while making me grow up in a gang and drug infested neighborhood where I witnessed
death for the first time at 15 with many more to follow. I also became a heroin addict, now looking
back, as a way to emotionally cope with the sexual and emotional abuse. They lived for many years
with their ocean view together until my fathers death on Christmas day a few weeks ago and now
my narcissus mother is using my fathers death as a way to receive her narcissistic supply from
everybody around her.
Just waiting for her to go drop dead and go to hell where she belongsthere is a sizable estate and I
just have to outlive the demonic woman who gave birth to me. She is 85 and in poor health so I pray it
is soon so I can finally confront my brother who she said I cannot confront while she is alive because

if something happened to me she would have nobody.

Guess that statement says it all.

Scott | January 11, 2015 at 9:28 AM

Yeah what she said, it is crazy that so much of what has been stated applies. Cold, Grandiose x10,
selfish, evil, diabolical & those are her good qualities

sunkist123 | January 13, 2015 at 10:57 AM

This is an excellent post and I agree with everything you wrote. From my experiences, the worst aspect
of it is the individuals Jekyll/Hyde abilities- the ability to make everyone believe he is
right/good/etc., while Im essentially the scum of the earth whos wasting valuable space by existing.
He does not show his true self to anyone but his victims.

ologsinquito | January 15, 2015 at 6:38 AM

This sums it up so well. They are very dangerous, whether you are romantically involved, or the
narcissist is just your friend. Youll suffer in the end. But please keep spreading the message that
there is happiness again, once you get back on your feet.

http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/02/27/blame-game/

Playing the Blame Game as a

Manipulation Tactic

By Dr George Simon, PhD 19 Comments

By habitually blaming others for his own indiscretions, the disturbed

character resists modifying his problematic attitudes and behavior patterns.
Ive been publishing a series of articles on the habitual behaviors that not
only keep persons with disturbed characters from developing a sense of
accountability and responsibility but which also serve as effective tactics of
manipulation. (See Understanding the Dysfunctional Tactics of Disturbed
Characters, which kicked off the series.)
Perhaps no behavior which disordered characters are prone to displaying is
more common than their tendency to blame others when they do something
wrong. Confront them on something they did that was insensitive,
inappropriate, hurtful, or even harmful, and youll find them playing the
blame game pinning the fault on someone or something else. Youll often
hear them claim that some person or circumstance made them do what they
did instead of acknowledging that they had a choice about how to respond to
the situation and failed to choose wisely.

The tactic of blaming has sometimes been called projecting the blame. The
term projection stems from psychodynamic psychology and refers to one of
the automatic mental behaviors conceptualized by traditional theorists as ego
defense mechanisms. The rationale behind that notion is that sometimes
individuals unconsciously project onto others motivations, intentions, or
actions that they actually harbor themselves but which they would feel far too
unnerved or guilty about to acknowledge as their own.
Neurotic individuals do indeed unknowingly engage in projection
defenses. But disordered characters know what they are doing.
Neurotic individuals do indeed unknowingly engage in projection defenses.
But disordered characters know what they are doing. They are fully
conscious about what they know others would see as the wrongfulness of
their behavior, despite the fact that they might be perfectly comfortable with
their course of action themselves. They dont have enough guilt or shame
about what theyre doing to change course. Nor are they so consumed with
emotional pain that they must ascribe to others the motivations they cant
tolerate in themselves. Rather, when they blame others for their wrongful
acts, its simply an attempt to justify their stance by casting themselves as
being in a position where they simply had no choice but to respond the way
they did. In this way, they simultaneously evade responsibility as well as
manipulate and manage the impressions of others. The tactic goes hand in
hand with the tactic of portraying oneself as a victim. Its typically an
effective tactic that gets others to pay attention to everyone or everything else
except the disordered character and his wrongful behavior as the source of a
problem.
Sometimes the tactic of blaming can be quite subtle. By calling attention to a
wide variety of contributing circumstances, a manipulator can effectively
obscure his or her role in the creation of a problem. This it wasnt me tactic
is hard to detect when your attention is drawn to other culprits through this
diversionary sleight of hand.
Holding manipulators and other disturbed characters accountable for their
choices and actions is a must. A person who wont acknowledge his or her
bad choices and bad habits and repeatedly blames others for his shortcomings
will never correct his erroneous thinking or behavior. Whenever he plays the
blame game, you know the disturbed character has no intentions of changing

his ways. Habitually blaming others for his own indiscretions is a principal
way the disturbed character resists modifying his problematic attitudes and
behavior patterns.

Conversational Coercion

http://www.drogrady.com/479/conversational-coercion/

About Dr. Dennis O'Grady, Psy.D

Dr. Dennis O'Grady delivers TALK2ME communication workshops that provide a Communication
Toolbox full of positive communication tools, to executive, managerial, and supervisory groups.
IF YOU DONT AGREE WITH ME, I CLAIM TO BE MISUNDERSTOOD
Conversational coercion is manipulating the outcome of a conversation in a pre-determined way, to
gain the upper hand strategically in order to get your way. For example, I may say, Youre not
listening! when in truth youre simply not agreeing with me. That example of conversational coercion
is a twisted talk trick which shows you that its going to be my way or the highway for you. But at what
expense? A good relationship?
INSTIGATORS ARE THE BEST DEBATERS
Instigators, or I-types, will be the first to tell you that the very best ideas stem from a good, fierce
debate. What they wont tell you is that their ideas arent always the right or best idea on the block.
Now, truth be told, we all want to get our way. Its just a plain old fact that Instigator communicators
are masters at getting their pet ideas heard and acted upon. Are they good, or what? But theres a cost
involved: Conversational coercion leaves feelings of frustration and misunderstanding, and creates a
disconnect with others. To put it dramatically, Empathizer communicators can feel conversationally
mugged or raped and their confidence assaulted.
TECHNIQUES USED TO VALIDATE AND STRENGTHEN A DECISION OR POSITION
Coercive communication implies: Im doing the right thing hereIm fighting the fight for good, not
evilIts a battle between right and wrongIm taking responsibility here, so just take my word on
this. There are a multitude of pushy or coercive talk techniques:
Im a good person, and Im not mean spirited, so
My intention is good so you should
This is the right thing to do because
If its a bad decision, its because I made it with limited information
If I had it to do all over again I would make the same decision, based on what I knew
Listen to me because Im oldersmarterI care for youI have more experience
Its a good ole communication chess or poker game. Summed up, all coercive transactions intimidate
you emotionally and send you packing on a guilt trip in this way: Since I stand on moral high ground,
you should listen to me and do what I want you to do! Now, dont you just feel loved from your
eyelids down to your toes?

SECRETS OF THE TALK TRADE

The above examples coerce co-communicators to make them think that responsibility is exercised in a
righteous or moral manner, when in fact, it may or may not be whats happening. A few secrets of the
coercive talk trade from my Instigator (I-types) guy and gal pals:
1. I am a tough debater, but I realize I also limit talk options.
2. If you dont agree with me, I claim to be misunderstood.
3. Actually, I become frustrated that Im not hearing from you what I want to be hearing.
4. Is this working for me? Not really. If the spirit of a conversation is to engage another
person, then I shouldnt shepherd or steer them into a position that limits their options.
5. I shouldnt choose Empathizers positions for them. But I do.
6. I can talk circles around my opponents. Conversational coercion really limits
Empathizers response options and flexibility.
7. This can precipitate a defensive posture with my E-type talk partner. Example: I limit the
options so severely that the Empathizer communicator has to fight his or her way out of a
corner.
8. As an Instigator, Im guilty of Conversational Abuse, because I can focus the topic on a
negative point and draw everybody into the fray.
9. Because I am an I-type, I have no doubt that a good defense (The Deflecting Defense) is
a good first-strike offense.
10. As an I-type, I also believe that communication is a chess or poker game. Youve got to
play to win the point. It either forces agreement or makes the other player come up with a
counter-argument very quickly, or a siege will follow. Who cares more? Who will be the
last one standing? Who will not surrender the point? Who will have the last word? I will!
11. I am doggedly determined as an I-type, and my mental gyrations or exercises are
incredibly exhausting on everyone involved. What I label as damage control is a real
energy-drainer, and it often causes extreme relationship friction.
12. I can conversationally set the agenda and place individuals into positions they will have
to defend. I say authoritatively, Heres the issueand heres what you think about it!
13. Not only do I define the issue, but I also attempt to define how the people at the
Communicator Table think about it.
14. True, conversational coercion has diminished utility when there is less of an emotional
bond or connection, but I employ this approach professionally when someone isnt buying
into my plan. I take pot shots when I can, but without trust present, my co-communicator
doesnt listen to me.

15. I-types use verbal intimidation and re-directing. I can exert pressure and be verbally
intimidating. I also create the urgency to hurry up and decide, because time is wasting.
16. Biggest drawback of being a tough-minded I-type? I can get my way, but it might be at
the expense of finding a better way.
17. I restrain Empathizers with my I-type talk tactics. I jail rather than liberate. What is the
enticement to enter into a conversation when youre told what to think, how to think it,
when to think it, and you have an emotional connection turn out to be a burden rather than a
blessing?
IF YOU SEEK TO CREATE COMMUNICATION FREEDOM
What should you do if you seek to deepen the bond, create communication freedom, be open and
visible, and be free to come up with more effective ideas? You must recognize that throwing punches of
conversational coercion simply doesnt work to accomplish positive intent.
Try this Positive Self-Talk Tool: I will practice changing my habit of dominating a conversation,
which leads to disconnecting and quashing disagreement. I will practice traveling in a middle zone
instead of always trying to monopolize the dialogue. I will stop limiting the options of my talk partner.
Empathizers have a right to speak up, too. I will approach an emotional topic with a cool-headed
openness for both input and possible outcomes.
Im in the right here because is a coercive talk technique that is a big lie told by small-thinking
people.
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. OGRADY, PSY.D.
Dennis OGrady is a relationship communications coach, corporate trainer and pioneer of the
innovative Talk to Me effective communication system, which streamlines communication that is
productive and useful, inside your head, inside your company, and inside your relationships.
Communication mistakes and accidents plague us all, but the Talk to Me approach to good
communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free you from the tar baby of
negative relationships or emotions.
https://mindcontroltechniques101.wordpress.com/2010/11/04/how-does-passive-coercion-work-in-mind-control/

How Does Passive Coercion Work in Mind Control?

There are several head management tactics which are based on certain actions or language patterns.
These are well-known, since theyre straightforward to attempt out. Examples of active force tactics are
putting anyone in a hypnotic trance, employing yes bridges, pattern interrupts, and so on. It can be
form of talking a person into something.
Even so, theres one more form of head management approach that might be just as helpful with
regards to manipulating other men and women: passive force.
Passive force does not demand you in fact undertaking a thing relatively, it can be about setting up an
setting by way of which your target will must pass by way of along with the basic act of passing by
way of this setting will affect his or her habits.
This may possibly sound relatively strange, but it can be in fact a rather prevalent knowledge. In simple
fact whenever you walk into a huge procuring mall, you knowledge it very first hand.

The art and science of passive force is often a multi-billion dollar enterprise. There is not a single
modern day procuring mall inside globe that has not been intended with all the support of passive force
specialists. If you wish to knowledge passive force in an much more sophisticated setting, pay a visit to
a Las Vegas casino.
The cause why passive force is so helpful is partly since it can be invisible we arent informed that
this distinct setting is quite specifically intended to create us carry out selected actions, assume selected
thoughts.
Procuring malls too as casinos have surveillance cameras everywhere. Our usual understanding is
that this is basically for security purposes but these supplies are carefully and meticulously analyzed
by extremely specialized psychologists whose aim would be to greater fully grasp, and alter consumer
conduct. They do this with all the support of scent, sounds and light. They develop an architecture that
influences you to devote far more time and dollars inside procuring mall. Even the flooring is
intended to develop the wished for impact not just the colors, but also the softness or hardness of your
floor has a subtle, but nonetheless quite measurable impact on our conduct.
Naturally, when you wish to affect anyone to complete a thing, it is possible to not devote hundreds of
thousands of dollar developing an coercive setting but becoming informed of your simple fact that the
setting can either enhance or reduce the effectiveness of ones persuasive attempts is worthwhile
information in and of itself. Since it is possible to thus decide on to meet in an setting that may increase
your persuasive position.

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2014/09/21/gaslighting-as-a-manipulationtactic-what-is-it-who-does-it-and-why-dr-george-simon-phd/

Gaslighting As A Manipulation Tactic What is

it, who does it and why? Dr George Simon PhD.
September 21, 2014 by Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD Leave a comment

Gaslighting as a Manipulation Tactic: What It

Is, Who Does It, And Why
By Dr George Simon, PhD | 8 November 2011
Gaslighting is a sophisticated manipulation tactic which certain types of personalities use to create
doubt in the minds of others. Heres how it works and what to watch out for.
In a stage play and suspense thriller from the 1930s entitled Gas Light, a conniving husband tries to
make the wife he wishes to get rid of think she is losing her mind by making subtle changes in her
environment, including slowly and steadily dimming the flame on a gas lamp. In recent years, the term
gaslighting has come to be applied to attempts by certain kinds of personalities, especially
psychopaths who are among the personalities most adept at sophisticated tactics of manipulation

to create so much doubt in the minds of their targets of exploitation that the victim no longer trusts their
own judgment about things and buys into the assertions of the manipulator, thus coming under their
power and control.
Effective gaslighting can be accomplished in several different ways. Sometimes, a person can assert
something with such an apparent intensity of conviction that the other person begins to doubt their own
perspective. Other times, vigorous and unwavering denial coupled with a display of righteous
indignation can accomplish the same task. Bringing up historical facts that seem largely accurate but
contain minute, hard-to-prove distortions and using them to prove the correctness of ones position is
another method. Gaslighting is particularly effective when coupled with other tactics such as shaming
and guilting. Anything that aids in getting another person to doubt their judgment and back down will
work.
Gaslighting is just one of the many weapons in the arsenal of personalities hell-bent on having their
way, even if it means doing so by subtle and covert means of conning others. One of the most
important points I make in all my articles, books, and other writings about the narcissistic and most
especially, the aggressive personalities, is that they will do whatever it takes to secure and maintain a
position of advantage over others. And some of the most effective means at their disposal are tactics
that conceal their malevolent intent while simultaneously prompting their target to accede to their
desires. I outline the most common ones covertly aggressive folks use to manipulate others in my book
In Sheeps Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK]. But it would be virtually impossible to fully list all of
the various tactics expert manipulators use.
Deception is often the key ingredient in manipulation. Deception can be accomplished by outright
denial, distortion of key aspects of events, and a variety of other methods, especially the more
sophisticated lying techniques. And, as I have mentioned in a prior post (see Lying: The Ultimate
Manipulation Tactic), a really accomplished liar can deceive another person by merely reciting a litany
of absolutely true things while deliberately and cleverly leaving out one or two crucial elements that
would change the entire character of what theyre trying to make you believe. But a common element
among all the tactics manipulators use is that they cause the person being targeted to doubt their gut
instincts about whats going on. Their gut tells them theyre under attack or that someone is trying to
get the better of them, and they intuitively go on the defensive. But because they often cant find any
clear, direct, objective evidence that the other person is merely trying to disadvantage them, they start
doubting and questioning themselves. This is the real secret of effective manipulation. If the target
were solidly convinced they were in the process of being done in, theyd more likely put up more
resistance instead of capitulating. Manipulators know this. They win by getting the other person to back
down or give in.
Gaslighting has come to some prominence lately because several authors have highlighted it as one of
the more crafty tactics psychopaths use to disadvantage their victims. But many character-disturbed
individuals, most especially the aggressive personalities, are prone to using numerous tactics, including
covert techniques, to get the better of their targets. Their goal is always to win or secure whatever it is
they want. And theyll do whatever they have to do to get it. Sometimes the most effective way to do
that is to avoid red-flagging their intentions but rather get the other person to unwittingly but
voluntarily surrender. Instill shame, instill guilt, instill fear, or instill great doubt, and the other person
will likely back off the stance they really wanted to take.
I have written a series of articles on the manipulation tactics of covertly-aggressive and other disturbed
personalities (see my Series on Manipulation Tactics). In that series, many of the most common
manipulation tactics are revealed and discussed. Regretfully, I didnt originally include a post on
gaslighting. Hopefully, this post will serve to help remedy that omission.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing
journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone,
validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma,
particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma
produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge
and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. With my strengthening relationship with God,
my wonderful husband, my highly experienced therapy team and my friends, I am on my journey to
recovery, after decades of abuse. I am truly blessed.

Gaslighting Revisited: A Closer Look at This

Manipulation Tactic
By Dr George Simon, PhD | 25 March 2014 16 Comments
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2014/03/25/gaslighting-revisited-a-closer-look-at-thismanipulation-tactic/

About the Author

Dr George Simon received his PhD in clinical psychology from Texas Tech University and has
specialized in disturbances of personality and character for almost 25 years. He has appeared on several
national radio and TV programs, including Fox News Network and CNN, given over 250 workshops
and seminars nationwide, and consulted to numerous businesses, agencies, and organizations seeking
his expertise on character disturbance. His webcast called 'Character Matters' launched recently on
UCY.tv.
If youre on the receiving end of covert aggression, you might sense in your gut some kind of
victimization at play but be unable point to anything that clearly and objectively backs up your hunch.
This dirty fighting may leave you feeling more than a little crazy.
A few years ago wrote about the emotional manipulation tactic referred to by many as gaslighting
(Gaslighting as a Manipulation Tactic: What It Is, Who Does It, And Why). Public awareness about
this tactic has certainly grown recently, but so has the sophistication of the disturbed and disordered
characters who employ the technique as their preferred weapon of domination and control. So I think
its worth taking a more in-depth look at the various subtle ways manipulative characters use
gaslighting to maintain a position of advantage over others.
Most manipulation is accomplished through what I have always labeled covert-aggression. (More
information on covert and the many other common forms of human aggression can be found in the
introduction chapter of my book In Sheeps Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK].) Dirty fighters
typically try to get the better of others by using tactics that effectively conceal obvious aggressive
intent on their part while still successfully throwing their opponent on the defensive. The person on the
receiving end of this kind of behavior senses in their gut that theres some kind of victimization at play

but cant point to anything that clearly and objectively backs up their hunch. As a result, they end up
feeling more than a little crazy. They might harbor feelings of anger toward the person they sense is an
aggressor but also find themselves thrown into positions of anxious defensiveness, which makes them
feel unjustified and unsure of themselves. If their manipulator also happens to be skilled in the art of
impression management displaying superficial charm and enjoying the capacity to make favorable
impressions on others those on the receiving end of their tactics are likely to feel even crazier. They
might say to themselves: Ive always thought there was something wrong with them but perhaps there
really is something wrong with me. After all, everyone else seems to like them. So, in a sense, almost
all manipulative behavior produces a gaslighting effect to some degree.
Deliberately trying to make someone feel crazy, wrong, stupid, paranoid, etc. as a way of deceiving,
degrading, taking advantage of, dominating, or controlling others is what gaslighting as a specific
manipulation tactic is all about. Its not an uncommon tactic. Character disturbed persons who cheat on
their spouses but want to maintain control in their relationships are particularly fond of this tactic. They
use it to invite their partners to view what might be some very justifiable mistrust on their part as pure
paranoia. Hundreds of individuals have provided me examples of this, and Ive also witnessed it first
hand on many occasion. While getting the victim of gaslighting to feel paranoid is bad enough, many
times the manipulator also has the moxie to couple the gaslighting with other tactics such as shaming,
guilting, and feigning innocence/ignorance. (For more information on these tactics, see Manipulation
via Shaming and Guilt-Tripping: Using the Conscience of the Neurotic against Them as well as my
article series on manipulation tactics.) In the end, the person on the receiving end of this behavior
winds up feeling not only like they might indeed be out of their mind but also like theyre the worst
person on earth for daring to think the kinds of things they had been suspecting about their manipulator.
I mentioned in my 2011 article that sometimes just the apparent certainty and conviction a covertaggressor displays when engaging in their deceitful behavior can produce the gaslighting effect and
guarantee the success of their manipulation. When theyre confronted, they dont just deny, deny, deny
they deny adamantly. Such a tactic can be even more effective if they couple it with other tactics
like feigning righteous indignation when the manipulator acts as though they are justifiably offended
that their victim would even suspect them of some dastardly behavior or intention and thereby
besmirch their character. The script is simple: when you get confronted on something you know will
expose you for the unsavory character you are, act offended and hurt, appear resolute, and question the
sanity of your accuser. The script is not only simple, its also generally effective.
Gaslighting doesnt always work; there are some personalities who, because of certain aspects of their
own character, seem relatively immune to the technique. But when a manipulator senses that the
gaslighting technique is indeed having some effect, there are some additional things they can do to
enhance the effect. They can go on a real charm offensive to make the gaslighted victim feel even more
isolated and alone with respect to the feelings and attitudes they harbor toward their abuser. They can
also engage in a reality and history restructuring campaign, subtly coaching relatives and friends to
remember things as happening the way they want them to be remembered and then pointing out to the
person being gaslighted that they are the only person who remembers things a different way. Theyll
curry favor and form alliances to make the target of the gaslighting feel even more isolated. Some
professionals have offered various terms for this kind of behavior, including a currently popular label:
street theater. The effect of all these behaviors is always the same: make the other person believe they
have no legitimate reason to think what they sense in their heart to be true or to feel the way they feel,
and you have them firmly under your influence and control.
Perhaps the biggest reason I thought it necessary to re-visit the topic of gaslighting is because of how
difficult it generally is for victims of this extreme form of manipulation, which is often perpetrated by
the more seriously disordered characters, to recover fully from their ordeals. After questioning their

perceptions, judgments, feelings, and even their sanity for so long in their relationship with their
abusive manipulator, its often quite difficult for them to restore a balanced sense of self. Sadly, not
only have many victims written me to share this very kind of experience but also many reported being
stymied in their rehabilitation when seeking help from a professional not familiar enough with such
severe forms of emotional abuse and the traumatic impact it can have on a persons psyche.
Victims of prolonged or intense gaslighting often need specialized help. They dont just want
reassurance they were never as crazy or wrong-headed about things as their manipulator made them
out to be. What they want more than anything is a more objective, reliable way to fairly judge both
their own character and the character of those with whom they might again forge a relationship. (Thats
a major reason I wrote Character Disturbance [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK].) They also want to trust
again, and to know when and how to trust. While trust is an important issue for all of us when it comes
to our intimate relationships, for the victim of extreme forms of manipulation, especially gaslighting,
simply recovering the ability to trust again is a pivotal event.

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2013/12/29/abusers-liars-narcissists-will-allwant-their-victims-to-keep-quiet/

Abusers, liars, narcissists, will all want their

victims to keep quiet..
December 29, 2013 by Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD 20 Comments
Of course they do they dont want the truth about them exposed.
This will apply to all forms of abusers mental, sexual, physical, psychological, verbal, spiritual and
whether to adults, or children.
They know what they are doing is wrong.
If they hide their behaviour, or try to silence you, they DO know what they are doing is wrong.
The abuse was still a choice, they decided to make.
They will manipulate this silence in a variety of ways;
Threats to the victim.
Shaming the victim.
Lies about the victim. Including lying by omission, lying by failing to tell the truth to others who
wrongly believe/assume something about the victim.
Gaslighting making the victim not believe their own truth, confusing them.
Blaming the victim.
Emotional abuse eg saying the family will suffer.
A smear campaign about the victim, making more people (apaths), not believe the victim, reinforcing
wrong beliefs about the victim.
Scapegoating, the victim.

Saying the victim is crazy

Deliberately targeting a victim, who others are unlikely to believe.
Alienation, from family, group, church etc.
Making the victim feel sorry for the abuser.
Minimizing, the abuse they made the victim endure.
There are more. This is not an exhaustive list.
None of these mean that the abuser is right.
None of these mean the victim needs to stay quiet.
None of these mean the victim is to blame, or guilty.
None of these mean the victim needs to do what the abuser wants.
None of these mean the victim, has to feel sorry for the abuser.
It is all a manipulation, for the benefit of the abuser.
Because the abuser is the weak, shameful, guilty, wrong, abusive person, who lacks the courage, or
capacity, to own who they really are.
It takes time, to work this out and process it.
But, it is needed, as part of healing.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))), to all who need one.
Much Love

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2014/10/19/narcissistic-family-dynamics-playing-thehand-were-dealt/

Narcissistic Family Dynamics Playing The

Hand Were Dealt
Hindsight is an amazing tool for survivors.
When you grow up with a narcissistic parent, there are realities about our environment that dont exist
in a non-narcissistic household. These realities are our healing points, our own issues, that as an adult
we realize require healing for us to go on to have healthy adult relationships.
Parentification:
The narcissistic parent, incapable of meeting a childs needs because they conflict with their own,
becomes the recipient of the childs care and affection. The npd parent flips the roles and demands that
the child be the sacrificial, giving caretaker. Of course in hindsight, its easy to see the error in this

behavior, but as a young, impressionable child the modeled behavior has an impact on the things well
need to unwind and reparent later in life.
What this does is set us up to be the caretakers, the responsible ones, the fixers, the glue that holds the
narcissist together. It sets us up to GIVE caretaking love to a narcissist, while not complaining or
making much of a fuss about receiving nothing in return. Because were so used to this treatment from
the narcissist in our younger years, we dont put up much resistence at all to this treatment as adults.
Non-Existing Boundaries:
Narcissists do NOT possess the ability to respect boundaries. Theyre boundary busters. Crossing over
mental boundaries to tell you whats going on in YOUR head or what your motivation is, crossing over
physical boundaries to touch and hug us when we dont wish to be touched or hugged, taking our
property without permission, crossing over our emotional boundaries to argue with what we feel, why
we feel it or if we should feel it, when only we can know those things. Sharing secrets weve asked
them to keep, talking about you as if youre not in the room, reading your diary without permission,
eavesdropping on private conversations, wearing your clothes without asking, triangulating and talking
to others in the family or office about you behind your back, all are examples of violation of boundaries
and is a list too lengthy to document. If you feel exhausted reading about the many ways narcissists
cross their childrens boundaries, imagine LIVING IT.
Children of narcissists grow into adults who are accustomed to having boundaries busted quite
frequently; so much so, that this feels familiar / like home. Adult narcissistic predators looking for
the perfect victim, senses and spots this ingrained trait and automatically realizes that there will be no
consequences for exploiting the target. Theyll bust over our boundaries, without much of a fight and
realize that they can get away with their bullying and aggressive behavior.
Becoming Needless:
When faced with hopelessness, human beings will resign themselves to a future that resembles the
present, same ole same ole, maintenance of the status quo is exactly what happens as a child grows in a
narcissistic family. The narcissist never changes, the child learns that their own needs and desires are
inferior if not completely non existent to the narcissists needs and wants. Whats the point if your needs
are never tended to? So the child adopts the caretaking role of worrying about the narcissists needs, not
their own. We resign ourselves to selflessness / needlessness.
Its a result of both the parentification of the child as well as the sheer inability the narcissist has to
think of anyone other than themselves. Even though a narcissist is good to put on a big show to others
about what a great parent they are, the kids are the benefactors of this twisted truth:

NARCISSISTS DO NOT CARE ABOUT THEIR CHILDREN

REGARDLESS OF THEIR SUPERIOR ACTING SKILLS
We learn that we dont matter. Its not that we arent worthy of this attention to our needs or care &
understanding, but thats what our translation is. We personalize it. We do think its because were
unworthy. It becomes our self concept. We go about giving and loving the narcissist, trying to please
them, or prove ourselves giving / caring enough that the narcissist will finally find us worthy of some
scraps of genuine affection that never come.
This sets us up to be the perfect adult doormat. With no needs, an adult child will feel comfortable
when partners demand that their needs be paramount in the relationship. It teaches us not to expect
reciprocity. It teaches us that a 100 / 0 relationship is familiar and normal. Its not normal at all, but
when youre used to someone riding rough shod to get all the goodies, you simply step aside as

opposed to telling them to cut it out.

Apologizing for our existence:
Its a sad state of affairs that a child would feel the need to assert their right to be here or have a
childhood drive to PROVE that were worth loving, but thats the reality of a narcissistic family
dynamic. The things that narcissists say out of rage for their children, in the presence of no witnesses,
is beyond appalling. I recall having thoughts in grade school about being so thankful that abortion
wasnt legal in the 60s. Its not that 5th graders really care about such lofty matters, its just that the
person I depended on and loved most, my mother, let me know repeatedly that I was very lucky
abortion wasnt legal, because I wouldnt have been alive. Recalling this reality in hindsight, allows
me to feel the remorse and empathy for myself that I deserved. What my inner child went through was
unfathomable.
What these messages, whether overt as in my above account, or insidious and covert, the message is the
same: WE MAY EXIST, BUT WE OUGHT TO FEEL LUCKY WE DO.
When you constantly feel youre being treated as an inconvenience or interruption to the perfectly
supply driven life of a narcissist, you learn that the best way to live in that regime is to step aside and
let the narcissist have the limelight.
No, a home is NOT a stage in a play or melodrama for normal people, but in a narcissistic family, the
main seat at the table, the one who earns our keep, the top dog in our lives.is the narcissist and WE
ALL KNOW IT. Were all there to fill our part in their play. We will behave however the narcissist has
decided our role will be and we will NOT deviate from that, unless we want to incur the narcissists
rage.
Lets stop down for a moment and pay a brief word to the narcissists rage. Many people who dont
live within the narc home, dont have a clue that the narcissist has a two faced personality. They see the
kind giving blah blah image the narcissist presents to strangers and can never fathom that the same
narcissist would be a terroristic tyrant at home.
Narcissistic rage isnt always the typical big, loud mouth event. Its more cruel than that. Narcissistic
rage is more subdued and insidious. Theyd much rather punish people by WITHHOLDING AND
REFUSING TO GIVE what they know those people need from them. A narc parent will be subtly
aggressive (raging) by showing the child, that they can disconnect emotionally from the child as if the
child doesnt exist. Theyll not show up, be on time. or give full attention to the things that are
important to the child. Theyll disappear emotionally until the child begs for attention through acting
out or acting up.
When children who have learned to feel that they dont want to rock the boat by existing grow up,
they will not question or stand up to behaviors that cause us to feel unimportant or invalidated by
others. Cheating will be tolerated, invalidation will be turned a blind eye to, a narcissists double
standard for treatment wont be questioned.
Empathizing:
Since narcissists dont possess empathy, how do we ever get to relax as children and FEEL that
someone else really cares about the things that we do at times. When weve lost a pet, or been teased at
school, if our parent is incapable of really feeling what we feel in response to these events, we are
going to feel really disconnected from intimacy. When we are excited about that boy or girl that weve
been crushing on, returns our affections its going to hurt when we cant get our parent off social
media or to stop taking pictures of themselves long enough to listen to us fully.
It hurts to have feelings about our parents behavior that we know we cant ever be heard on. That we

know deep down, this person, our parent, doesnt care enough about us to really hear us is so isolating
and disconnecting. We start to realize on a deep level that, we will ONLY have the narcissists full
attention or care when it is convenient for them.
Lack of empathy strikes at the very feeling of being loved and cared about that its impossible to feel
the love of your parent if they are empathy impaired. The narcissist would argue that they really care
about the people around them, but those people know that the narcissist only cares when it behooves
them and that, that is not a genuine love for them in the least.
The key to reparenting ourselves in this area is to recognize the disorder for what it is and not
internalize this inability to care/ love on the narcissists part as being a defect of our own that makes us
unlovable.
Trouble with Developing our True Identity:
Much like the narcissist, targets who grew up in a narcissistic regime, dont get a chance to fully
explore who we truly are, until we are no longer under the influence of the narcissists boundary
busting methods of telling us who we are. What the narcissist tells us we are, is skewed anyway. We
know that through projection, the narcissist casts off the traits hated in themselves onto those closest to
them, so when were told were SELFISH, its nothing more than the narcissist accusing us, of what
they are guilty of themselves.
But you can see, as a child, with such impressionable identities, being told again and again that you are
something youre not, is going to make you believe it whether its true or not.
As a young child, I was told repeatedly by my narcissistic mother that I was selfish. In fact, I was
told I was selfish so frequently that I sometimes wondered if my name wasnt really selfish little
bitch. What this did to me, was gave me the message that selfish was bad, and I should never be that
kind of bad. I went on to consider my own selfishness in every interaction with everyone I had; and
still do. I dont want to hurt others. I empathize with how hurtful it is to be selfishly shut out by
someones blindingly grand ego.
I didnt learn the important lesson that there is a certain level of selfishness that doesnt hurt anyone,
that is a normal part of self care and isnt bad at all, I felt that it was my duty to never be selfish to
others. The result? I couldnt say no to others and never questioned what that did to myself. In fact, I
barely thought of myself at all and was continually frustrated that I gave unselfishly but rarely received
that from others. I learned that it was not MY JOB to take care of myself but that through unselfish
service to others, someday Id be loved.
If you are not allowed to be who you really are I think this is the pivotal identity issue that either
creates a personality disordered identity vs a strong, resilient surviving type of personality that rises
through the ashes and thrives to survive despite all the abuse.
In my own case, I sought outside relationships with neighbors, teachers and clergy who allowed me to
be my true identity. My strength of character pushed me to broaden my frame of reference circle or
my feedback loop to encompass those who also lived in reality. My ability to tell the truth despite the
terrible consequences of being shamed and shunned by a narcissist who didnt want to hear the truth,
caused me to be the scapegoat in my family my ability to call a spade a spade, allowed my true
identity and authenticity to survive.
Its my thought that this resiliency trait that exists in me, exists in all survivors who have found their
way here to the page, telling our truths about this abuse, willing to be honest, and accept responsibility
for the things about ourselves that played into this abuse and allow us to make changes that prevent this
from ever happening to us again as well as our willingness to be there for others who are hurting the

hurts weve hurt and seek the same peaceful living that we seek.
As you can see in retrospect, the lessons we learned growing up in a narcissistic family are lessons that
we need to unlearn now that were adults so that we dont continue to choose partners who will repeat
the abuse of our childhood. We also have a responsibility to protect our children from these patterns
and do everything within our power to model HEALTHY parenting roles, boundaries, needs,
unconditional love empathy and acceptance of who are children really are.

Leave a comment
Comments 21
1.

Sue | October 19, 2014 at 11:29 AM

Thank you for such a wonderful insightful post. I can really relate to it.

2.

M. T. Noah | October 19, 2014 at 11:36 AM

After 41 years of life and just now realizing the marriages to narcissists wouldnt have occurred
if my mother hadnt been one and my dad a willing enabler; OMG. I dont even know who I
am. I have no preferences of my own that has never been permitted. Oh Ive been told Im
allowed to have my own preferences, and everyone gets quite put out with me when i state that I
feel punished when i express one that is different from moms but I *do* get punished when
I do not conform to what mom needs me to do/be/feel.
If I make any statements or even remember things that she doesnt want to be real, Im told (1)
it never happened, or (2) it didnt happen that way, or (3) youre just imagining it all! Artists! so
imaginative! I used to go to church regularly because she needed the faith community and
would refuse to go if *I* wasnt doing it, too. I attended that church for 7 years. For the
majority of that time, MOST people never called me by my name, but by HERS. There IS no
me. I am not allowed to exist as anything other than a corollory to my mothers life. I am the
part of her that can function around people pleasantly. I am a tool, not a person.
A friend of mine got me out of there recently. I have no idea what to do with my days. I am a
respecter of boundaries, and Im trying desperately NOT to enmesh, but how do you NOT DO
THAT when thats all you know? When you were punished every time you tried to individuate?
I can hear my mother in my head right now. You cant keep lying to people about us, honey.
You know youre the one whos sick, right? I swear, theyll think were bad people. I just want
to scream. Because honestly, my doctors dont concur with her assessment. They have all been
pushing for me to get out of there and start over and learn how to be a real person with my own
boundaries and a safe place to be who I am and express that fully, not only as permitted so
someone else can showcase what a great parent they are.
I feel physically sick just typing this and Im terrified to hit post. But Im going to do it,
anyway.

3.

M. T. | October 19, 2014 at 11:50 AM

I really wish, person who writes this stuff, that I didnt recognize myself or my family at all. :
( But I am the parent of my mother, and have been since I was 4 at least. The weight of this
recognition is terrifying. At least I have baby kittens and a great dog to help out. They are
keeping my heart somewhat whole until I can safely think about this and process it and put it
behind me. I wonder who I will be when Im done with the reparenting and general selfdiscovery? That part is kind of exciting (and really freaky if I think about it too much)!!

4.

janet | October 19, 2014 at 1:09 PM

OMG THIS IS ME AND MY MOM .NOW 54 AN 3 BAD MARRIAGES 5 GROWN BOYS
THAT DONT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME BECAUSE OF GRANDMA . IM
HURTING EVERYDAY

Jo | October 23, 2014 at 3:49 PM

This sounds familiar. I can relate. I always just wanted a real family who loved me. They
stole that too. Devastaing, I am so sorry. Few things are more painful. I adore my kids
and they were lied to about me. thank you for sharing Janet. My heart goes out to you
and I can understand. Jo

5.

pooloftears | October 19, 2014 at 2:43 PM

Once again, my life story has been told without you ever having met me.
I am so, so tired. I am tired of living this life. I feel like I never had any shot at a decent life,
given the way I grew up. Ive been in therapy and support groups for years and I cant say they
havent helped at all, but every day is a series of exhausting pop quizzes. As damaged as I am, I
cant afford to further ingrain any of these beliefs so I cant afford to get the questions wrong
but I do. Constantly.
Everything is going fine, then I get tired because its hot and my blood sugar is getting low and
something scared me, and something in my brain shorts out and I start to call someone Ive
known for years by the wrong name. One syllable in I catch myself but its too late.
POP QUIZ!!! Question 1: what single word best describes this situation? Answer quickly! 5, 4,
3, 2
Disaster!
Question 2: what are you in light of this? 3, 2
An idiot!
Question 3: what do you do now? Quick! Everyones looking at you and wondering whats
wrong with you! 2, 1
Faint?

No! Youre not that lucky! Try again!

Dissociate?
Congratulations, youve made things worse, but you still have to respond somehow!
Stammer like an idiot and quickly leave what was an otherwise fine social experience in a
cloud of depression and self-loathing?
Keep going!
Wonder what the point is in having a high IQ, talent, and multiple degrees when thanks to CPTSD from childhood abuse I just look like an idiot anyway?
Things like this happen all the time. I dont have the energy to fight through them all. Despite
my best efforts I still find myself surrounded with narcissists; I keep wondering where the other
90+% of the population is hiding when I leave the house and why. Theyve left nothing
untouched (the narcissistic abusers that is). Mind, emotions, spiritI used to think I at least had
mostly intact physical health but recently I found out my mother literally even conditioned me
to walk wrong, and its been destroying my knees all my life. Relearning to walk at my age has
made me feel even more humiliated and ashamed of myself. WalkingI cant even do THAT
right without special tutoring?!
I feel totally pathetic. The list above, as I said, basically IS my life, and for all the work I have
done and continue to do, it just seems useless.

6.

GJ | October 19, 2014 at 3:58 PM

This is written as though the parent is the narcissist and that is not always true. We have
witnessed these behaviors in our adult daughter. 15 yrs ago she was diagnosed as bipolar. Her
most recent psychiatrist said she wasnt bipolar but was emotionally abused. We did not abuse
her, we may have spoiled. I was reading on the internet looking for answers and emailed some
info on narcissism. She and her husband had hacked my computer and were regularly reading
all my email and following my computer activity. She saw what I was reading and was furious.
She has now cut off my entire family and we are not allowed to see our grandchildren. Because
we were used as babysitters we had a very strong attachment (they are 4 and 9) No thought was
given as to how this would make them feel. This is an example of her self centeredness : One
night at a family dinner she was complaining to our son about how much more fun his life was
than hers.Because he didnt have children to take care of. When her 8yr. Old son became
visibly upset and started choking on his food he was berated for not chewing his food.
We have really hurt over this whole mess. We were the ones who always worked, always gave
always tried to get along. Walking on eggshells.
Im tired of hearing its somehow the parents fault.

pooloftears | October 21, 2014 at 1:57 AM

I am sad to hear of your situation. It is not always parents fault when a child/adult child
has severe difficulties, and yes, there are children who abuse parents just as parents
abuse children. Narcissists will abuse anybody they can find.
I dont know if the blogs author is prepared to cover the topic of narcissistic abuse of
parents by their children; perhaps such a blog entry will be forthcoming. There are

resources available for people abused by their children also; thats not the specific topic
of this blog, so there may be better resources for your needs.
Meanwhile, the emphasis on equipping adult children of narcissists here is an
understandable one. Many people are severely harmed by narcissistic parents; over 6%
of the population has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and many more have levels of
narcissistic behavior and traits that dont qualify them for an NPD diagnosis but surely
create problems for them and those around them.
Moreover, people who are or have been abused by narcissistic parents often struggle to
be taken seriously. People still have a tendency to believe an adult over their child and it
often takes something quite extreme for anyone to pay attention to a childs suffering.
Waiting years or until one has grown up or longer to be taken seriously when you have
been hurt so terribly does damage you cant imagine if you havent had abusive parents.
If youre sick and tired of hearing about abusive parents, imagine how sick and tired
many of us are of living with them and having our experiences minimized or altogether
denied! It sounds as though, unfortunately, your grandchildren may one day need such a
blog to begin to heal from your daughters behavior toward them, so as much as I dont
wish for you to be blamed if youve done nothing abusive, neither do I want society to
continue to turn a blind eye or remain largely unaware of the damage narcissists do to
their children.

7.

Richard | October 19, 2014 at 8:28 PM

Your article gave me so much relief that my Grandson can survive the abuse from his Mother,
Grandmother (my exN and N daughter) and an N aunt. They took him away from me as the
final blow for my non-compliance. We were together for 43 years. the only woman (child, we
were both 17) I ever was with.
Its been three years of separation, 10 months NC. Im doing OK, but my beloved Grandson is
always on my mind. I am SO happy to have the narcs gone. Ill just have to wait.

8.

Debra | October 20, 2014 at 12:27 PM

I am now beginning week 7 of NC with my narcissistic parents. I am going on 56 years old and
all I can tell you is that I wish with all of my heart I had done it sooner. Occurrences from the
past are flashing before my eyes left and right. Before, I swept it under the rug because it was
just more crazy behavior. Now; its like..NOThis really was crazy behavior. They disowned
me for the 8th time in my life but this time I turned the tables. Instead of feeling like a failure.
.again! for mentioning past physical abuse and being disowned, something clicked. It was like I
turned a corner and I knew then and there it would be impossible to go back. These 7 weeks
have been an emotional roller coaster ride in many ways because I am changing my life. But,
the pride I feel swelling up in my chest for protecting myself makes it all worth it. Im a wife,
mother, grandmother, business owner and friend. .oh and sister to an amazing brother who
defended me to them 7 weeks ago. The verbal abuse is over. Thats it.

9.

amildcaseofdeath | October 21, 2014 at 3:18 AM

This encompasses everything Ive experienced. Its only been a few months since Ive realized
the reality of my family dynamic and have begun trying to undo the conditioning. It has been
gut wrenching to pull away actually, from what I thought I knew. I thought I was exaggerating
in my own mind the truth of what I felt and experienced. I am still in a sort of shock, but
definitely relief that I dont have to carry the weight that was put on me. Still an uphill battle as
Im trying to find gather the means to leave a relationship with a narcissist now, but I have a
clearer vision for the future of my broken self, than ever.

10.

lisa thomson-The Great Escape... | October 21, 2014 at 10:16 AM

Fantastic points! Thats where we lose boundaries or have no understanding of them because we
were walked on as children. No self respect means no boundaries. I think its important to
mention that there are varying degrees of narcissism and some of these types of parents can be
very subtle in their abuse. One common factor though, is never receiving the love from that
parentno matter the degree of narcissistic personality. IMHO and experience. Thanks for this
informative post!

11.

michelle | October 23, 2014 at 10:28 PM

Thank you for this read. I can relate to most of it as I have been given this type of abuse from
my partners mum who is a N ( she has pushed out to everyone that I am the one with the mental
illness). I have been accused of everything that is in her personality while they are trying to
make out that it is me and not her. unfortunately my partner is starting to show the same
behaviour patterns as she is now coaching him to behave like this. she tells him that this is the
way you HAVE to behave, unaware that it is very very wrong behavior to have. My partner
grew up with this so he would not know what way he should be behaving. He is also unaware
that she does suffers from NPD. I was told by his grandmother.

12.

Sue | October 23, 2014 at 10:35 PM

How sad when I read this that every point is me and the relationship with my N mother. I am
one of the lucky ones though, where I met an amazing man and have the most amazing in laws!
They have taught me real love and what it means to stand up for yourself, to have an opinion
without being judged and cut off and have accepted me without having to be any one else. My
NMother currently doesnt make any effort to fix our relationship that she broke! She blames
me for her stint in a psych ward even though she had a huge fight with her best friend. She lied
to everyone in our family about me and my husband and now the consequences of her lies is
that we dont have any sort of relationship and she still cant understand what SHE did wrong!
She has alienated my sisters from me and continues to use me as her please feel sorry for me as
Sue is such a bitch to me! Forgiveness is easy! Trust now that is a whole different story! We
were at a function where one of my sisters attended. First time in 2 years I saw her. We ignored
each other but my Nmother wanted to walk right past me without talking to me. I grabbed her
and said hi. This was all an act so that she can show her Golden Child that look Sue still

doesnt even greet me. Its disgusting what they will do to get attention!

13.

Caley | October 28, 2014 at 1:54 AM

Thank you for creating an informative and relatable page. My brother and I suffered at the
hands of a narcissist for many years. Our Mums husband loved to call me a selfish-pig. We
were useless, selfish, stupid. And a lot more. For years I did everything in my power to not be
thought of as selfish, to the point were I did things I did not want to do. My brother and I are
now adults and understand what he is, We know now that we are normal and he is not.
Unfortunately I chose a narcissist as my partner, probably because I grew up with the abuse and
thought it normal. Fortunately I get it now. And I have recently separated from my partner.
Be strong and Be true to yourself. Life is too short. I recently lost my Mum to cancer, and our
grieving was made that much more difficult because we had to deal with the narcissist (Mums
husband), Well never get that time back.
Be Strong, Be True to Yoursef, Be Awesome!

14.

Kelli | November 4, 2014 at 9:51 AM

I have read hundreds of articles about living in a Narcissist family but this one is by far the best,
the detail of the dynamics is right on point. Thanks for sharing

15.

nessa3 | November 7, 2014 at 9:59 PM

I just read this. How do you undo the N indoctrination from family and an abusive church?
So struggle with the self care/selfishness.

16.

Anja | November 27, 2014 at 2:12 AM

It has been a great learning experience for me to read these articles. At first I read them in fear
of finding my self in the lines .. then I met all! but one boyfriend I ever had in them .. and last I
found both my father and my mother in them. Leaving me with a sadness about my self asking
if there ever is a true recovery to a normal and own self after such a long life of
dysfunctionality.
I started out in adult life doing exactly what was done to me, with an internal pain telling I was
skizofrenic at least, suffering from a severe personality disorder the difference in my actions
and my feelings about it was 2 different persons.
It began very slowly to change when I got the courage to ask my self, if my actions were truly
mine????? or if I just was on autopilot. I mean all my life Ive been told how I feel, what Im
thinking, who I really am. And it was extremely difficult to find me behind the curtains of what
I know now to be abuse and a dysfunctional childhood.
I was afraid to get children of my own. And in the first 4 years I was a terrible mom, I had this
constant fight going on inside my self between how I should be doing it, how I augth to be
doing it and what was expected from me. And on top of that, my mother stepped in as the
overall ruler and protector, because she knew way better then me, how to be a mother of my
children.

That was when I for the first time truely woke up from the haze and found it in my self, what
had always been there, me. I didnt want her behavior passed on to my children, I wanted to
break the circle and do what I felt was right in my Heart, not what I had had beaten into my
head. In that process she threathend to comitt me for the sake of the children.
I left my parents and Family, have no contact with them at all anymore. 10 more years has
passed, and when I look at my children, Ive succeeded in breaking the circle. Both my girls are
considerate to them selves and others, assertive, strong and caring. However .. I also see traits I
wish wasnt there, my struggle in their early years of life is showing in them, but atleast we talk
about it and I tell them, that I might have a different view on certain Things, doesnt mean Im
right about it.
Something broke in me a long time ago, and I doubt it will ever be completely Whole Again,
leaving me at days thinking, fearing Ive misled my self to believe Im a good person. Giving
other days confirming me, that I am a good person struggling with a horrific childhood
experience.
If I was to narrow Down my battle in all this to something others can take with them, and
maybe guide them in the battle it will be this.
I grew as me and learned love in me, when my life turned from the fear of becoming my
mother, to the wholeheartedly Desire to become me.
Be strong, you can do it <3

17.

AFruitFli | November 29, 2014 at 8:14 AM

Reblogged this on AFruitFli's Blog.

18.

nilki | December 18, 2014 at 10:58 PM

This hits closer to home than i could have ever imagined. I just recently realized that my
apparent clumsiness isnt clumsiness at all. I was mainly raised by my grandmother. It took me
years took realize she is a narcissist. And i remember everytime i had to help her in the kitchen,
she would hold up a plastic measurement cup. And she would always say. I had this cup for
twenty years. And it survived all those years without being broken. But five min. In your hands
and you would break it. I wasnt allowed to touch the cup at all because i was so clumsy. For
years and p until now i am terrified of holding babies because i am afraid i am gonna drop them
or fall. Its hard to change it now but that was like an epiphany. I am not clumsy, but you tried to
make me clumsy.

nessa3 | December 24, 2014 at 12:23 PM

I had a grandmother like that .so critical of everything. Had an aunt who was a b
she had a sharp nasty tongue. Made me so nervous being around herI would trip drop
things so afraid of her and of course she made fun of me all the time.Cant stand her to
this day

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2013/12/01/signs-that-youve-been-abused-by-a-narcissist/

Signs That Youve Been Abused by a Narcissist

1. YOU DOUBT YOURSELF
Do you recognize that youre doubting yourself more than you ever have before?

Victims of narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that
they havent made a mistake or misheard something.
This reactive adaptation to narcissistic abuse is because the narcissist is ALWAYS finger pointing and
shifting blame to YOU for ALL of the ups & downs both in the relationship AND in the narcissists
personal psyche.
Because this relationship has NON EXISTENT boundaries, you will find YOURSELF constantly PUT
UPON and FORCED to accept responsibility for things you didnt do or say. This borrowed
humiliation and shame is exactly what the narcissist intends for the victim to take from the narcissist.
Their own unfelt core of shame.

2. CONFUSION
Just refer to the above explanation of self doubt and boundary transgression if you want to understand
the CONFUSION that is part and parcel of narcissistic abuse.
Daily boundary transgression and criss crossing of responsibility starts to wear on even the clearest
minded of targets.
Suddenly you wake up and realize that all the realities and borders between yourself and others is not
only BLURRED but MISSING.
Its confusing to KNOW that you arent responsible for someone elses behavior, thinking and feeling
but to be CONSTANTLY SCOLDED for behaving, thinking and feeling as if you ARE.
Its crazy-making and a narcissist purposefully causes this confusion. They know that a divided and
conquered mind is their most vulnerable and susceptible target who wont be able to identify that their
confusion is caused by an abusive technique called gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a technique of psychological abuse used by narcissists to instill confusion and anxiety in
their target to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. With
gas lighting, the target initially notices that something happens that is odd, but they dont believe it.
The target attempts to fight the manipulation, but are confused further by being called names or told
that theyre: Just Too sensitive, Crazy, Imagining things or the narcissist flat out DENIES ever
saying anything hurtful. Gradually, the target learns not to trust their own perceptions and begins
doubting themselves. Broken and unable to trust themselves, they isolate further. The target now doubts
everything about themselves: their thoughts and opinions, their ideas and ideals. They become
dependent on the narcissist for their reality.

For it is in your CONFUSION and acceptance of responsibility that belongs to the narcissist, that a
narcissist is able to successfully CONTROL YOU and USE YOU as a scapegoat for their problems.

3. FEELING CRAZY
Every minute of every hour of every day of every year, a Narcissist, who has a DSM classifiable
personality DISORDER (ie: not playing with a full deck) is PROJECTING their disorder onto those
around them. If you dont think that having a crazy person constantly blaming you for being crazy
will make you crazy, Id like to introduce you to a narcissist that will convince you otherwise.
This disorder isnt a relationship gone wrong. This disorder isnt kid stuff. Its MALEVOLENT. Its a
transference of malevolence and MENTAL DISORDER from the person who has it to the person who
DOESNT.
Frankly, before a narcissist, Ive not once in my life, FELT CRAZY. Neither have I ever been told by a psychologist
and Ive seen lots of them that I had anything WRONG with MY own MENTAL HEALTH. Personally, I always had
it together. I was resilient, mentally tough, and withstood many events in my life that would make others crumble.

Yet, when I unwittingly dated someone with this serious mental health malady, I wanted to slam an
entire set of broken porcelain down his throat sideways and every obtuse moron that believes the
garbage that comes out of his mouth. No, its not that I suddenly became a person interested in physical
violence, I suddenly became a person who was witnessing a DSM category all wrapped up into a
physical being who turned his mental health problems ON Me. I became a target of a person with a
problem. They say, Hurt people, HURT people. I say, Narcissistic People DESTROY PEOPLE.

4. EMERGING CLUSTER OF SYMPTOMS

THAT HAVE NO OTHER EXPLANATION
All I could muster to the narcissist in my dear john letter when I broke up with him that wonderful New
Years Eve, was I DONT KNOW whats WRONG!! But I just dont feel like myself. Something feels
EXTREMELY TOXIC and I dont know why..This should be the alert when a victim of narcissistic
abuse presents themselves to therapists. The inexplicable complaint.
My first visit to my therapist were those words exactly. I dont know whats wrong with me, but Its
SERIOUS! I felt it. I did I felt BEWILDERED inside, but I could not articulate what it was. (another
red flag for someone usually able to articulate every feeling and explanation about myself indepth).How was it that after 43 years of explaining, analyzing and discussing my own deficiencies quite well, I could
NOT for the life of me explain to my therapist what was so wrong with me that it was palpable. His answer, set me
free, it really did.

YOU HAVE BEEN IN A DOMESTICALLY VIOLENT

RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIST
My therapist had some background with this person. Hed WITNESSED the narcissist calling me,
berating me during sessions. I held the phone away during one session, so that my therapist could hear
the narcissist on the other end questioning me about cheating, Accusing me of having an affair with
the therapist. Grilling me about what the therapist looked like and would speak to me like. He even
accused the therapist of wanting me sexually and that was the reason the therapist spoke so lowly of the
narcissist. (of course it couldnt just be that the narcissist had a bad reputation and the community was
on to him)
Sufferers report that their spark has gone out and, even years later, find they just cannot get motivated
about anything.
Unaware that weve been living in a war zone with a tyrannical narcissist, we cant quite grasp the
words to articulate the abuse, yet at the same time, we VERY MUCH FEEL IT. We present ourselves to
the mental health community, incapable of speaking about an abuse we yet know nothing about. Until
that word, NARCISSISTIC ABUSE is given to us, we have NO IDEA that is whats causing our
pain. Thats why its SO IMPORTANT to get the word out there, what narcissists look like, their modus
operandi, the words and phrases they use, so that when a victim of their abuse begins looking for
answers, they quickly will be able to identify that they are involved with a narcissist.
In Narcissistic Victim Syndrome you are looking for a cluster of symptoms to emerge many are the
symptoms of trauma (avoidance, loss of interest, feeling detached, sense of a limited future, sleeping or
eating difficulties and nightmares, irritability, hyper-vigilance, easily startled, flashbacks, hopelessness,
psychosomatic illnesses, self-harming, thoughts of suicide etc).Some victims develop Stockholm
Syndrome and want to support, defend, and love the abuser despite what they have gone through.
5. DISSOCIATION
Victims tend to dissociate or detach from their emotions, body, or surroundings. Living in a war zone
where all forms of power and control are used against you (intimidation; emotional, physical and
mental abuse; isolation, economic abuse, sexual abuse, coercion, control etc), the threat of abuse is
always present. Dissociation is an automatic coping mechanism against overwhelming stress.
Symptoms of dissociation resulting from trauma may include depersonalization, (disconnecting your body awareness
from your physical self) psychological numbing, disengaged from life and passions, or amnesia regarding the events
of the abuse.

It has been hypothesized that dissociation may provide a temporarily effective defense mechanism in
cases of severe trauma; however, in the long-term, dissociation is associated with decreased
psychological functioning and adjustment.
Other symptoms sometimes found along with dissociation in victims of traumatic abuse (often referred
to as sequelae to abuse) include anxiety, PTSD, low self-esteem, somatization, depression, chronic
pain, interpersonal dysfunction, substance abuse, self-mutilation and suicidal ideation or actions. These
symptoms may lead the victim to erroneously present the symptoms as the source of the problem.

6. PTSD
Lets face it. If I didnt mention PTSD, or Complex PTSD, I would NOT be doing the topic of
narcissistic abuse syndrome ANY justice.
Ptsd, in laymans terms? From a fellow sufferer? A Cerebral anxiety attack that makes your whole body
come alive with PALPABLE FEAR. The rapid heart beat, the intrusive and spinning thoughts and fears
just like the abuse is CURRENTLY HAPPENING SEQUENTIALLY ALL OVER AGAIN. This is
called RE-LIVING. Its as if the traumatic abuse event is occurring in the present tense. All the
emotions of fear, shame, shrinking, wincing, looking over your shoulder & walking on eggshells
waiting to be attacked ruthlessly AGAIN.
Physical numbness (toes, fingertips, lips) is common, as is emotional numbness (especially inability to feel joy).
Avoidance of places, sounds, tastes, and songs that remind them of their abuser or the abuse. Intense feelings of anxiety even in
anticipation of having to revisit the memories.

Memory Loss Almost all targets report impaired memory. Partially due to conscious avoidance as
well as from the damage done to the hippocampus, an area of the brain linked to learning and memory.
Need for solitude / tendency to isolate Were EXHAUSTED after narcissistic abuse. Feelings of withdrawal and isolation are common; we
just want to be in our own head for a while, find our own answers; thus, solitude is sought.
Lack of Joy and Hope Inability to feel joy (anhedonia) and deadening of loving feelings towards others are commonly
reported. One fears never being able to feel love or trust again.
The target becomes very gloomy and senses a foreshortened future sometimes with justification. Many
targets ultimately have severe psychiatric injury, severely impaired health and/or stress related
illnesses.
SleeplessnessMelatonin became my new best friend after narcissistic abuse. The nightmares and night terrors can be
overwhelming that good restorative sleep becomes impossible. Napping became my new favorite
passion.
Sleep becomes almost impossible, despite the constant fatigue; such sleep as is obtained tends to be
unsatisfying, unrefreshing and non-restorative. On waking, the person often feels more tired than when
they went to bed. Depressive feelings arrive very early in the morning, making falling back to sleep an
impossibility. Feelings of vulnerability and loneliness may be heightened overnight.
Anxiousness, Guilt & Disturbing thoughts
Targets have an extremely short fuse and are easily irritated. The person frequently experiences
obsessive visions of violence happening to the narcissist hoping for an accident for, or murdering the
narcissist; the resultant feelings of guilt further limit progress in healing.
Fight or Flight Response
With your system on alert for ever-present danger in the environment its easy to react sensitively to
sudden changes causing the startle response.

Awareness of symptoms
Its very harrowing to realize that you are different from you were before the narcissist;
FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT. When you are very aware that PTSD has replaced the narcissist, it
emotionally drains the target of any hope for being PERMANENTLY NARCISSISTIC FREE. We
dont want to be constantly reminded and aware of the person we escaped. We want to live freely,
however symptoms, are a constant reminder that we DONT.
Ch | November 29, 2014 at 4:34 PM
Thank you so much for this article. I keep reading it to give me strength. I am slowly taking action and
reading this makes me realize Im not just imagining everything that is wrong with me. I used to be
such a strong person and I gave my power away. Every time I read this article I grow this power inside
me that has been dormant for so long.

Barbara N | January 13, 2015 at 8:35 PM

I didnt know that the sicko relationship I had with the soul squasher has a name and is a real,
legitimate disorder. What a relief to give it a name and to know that I am not the crazy. I keep
reading these articles over and over for strength and support.

Ash | November 30, 2014 at 6:43 PM

I am crying. Ive done MANY hours of research on NPD/NS. Im advocating others while still trying to
stay strong for my kids. Out of all the article I have read. This will be the one I show everyone. This hit
closer to home than any of them, and still is validating that all NPD play by the same rule book. Ive
heard those exact words, I could have written this myself. Thank you.

Tina | December 1, 2014 at 7:55 PM

I feel these people should be accountable for every evil thing they do.. Their sick twisted bastards
who destroy your fucking soul.I hope they all live in and go to hell.control freaks Cheater
Liarphoney Pathetic human beings. I know I lived it for 11 years

Linda | December 23, 2014 at 4:30 PM

I hear you Tina. My psycho boss is a narsehole psycho bully. I hope he dies in a car wreck full
of pain. Sick fuckers of satan.

ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse | December 28, 2014 at 7:45 PM

OOh how many times did I say the same thing!!! I understand those feelings!!!

Lisa | December 2, 2014 at 12:19 AM

I miss me so much. I dont know if my ex was a narcissist for sure, but I know Im not myself anymore
at all. I isolate, rarely smile or laugh, I hope for a pill or booze to relieve my pain that wont it. Id kill
myself but I have kids, I hate being hugged or touched.. I hate most everything. I feel so guilty for
allowing such things from her, but I always believed it was all for a reason. Like a yin yang, I took the
good with the bad. At one point she ended up with an std out of nowhere. :( Shes long gone, breaking
more hearts and now marrying another. And Im just this broken pathetic fool sending love emails and
then hateful ones.. I need to get back to me. Im not some one who does these sorts of thing.. But now I
am. Sign :(

marie | December 7, 2014 at 9:19 PM

its heartbreaking to see how many of us are suffering. I have been trying for 2 years to escape my
NPD,but he wont quit. I miss who I was :( I feel nothing but darkness and noone understands.

anonymous | December 11, 2014 at 12:45 AM

It all makes sense now. I never knew it had a name. For ## years, he expects or needs compliments
for everything he believes himself to be, for what he is, for what he is going to do, for being perfect in
every way And I am the crazy one..
But I am too old to start over again. I merely exist in my life. I am isolated and in the midst of my own
living hell and I cant tell anyone. They would not believe me, because he is such an awesome
husband, who loves me so much. But its all horseshit. Living with someone like this is just a facade.
Nothing seems real or genuine. Feelings are faked, but faked very well to the point that I felt for years
it felt like it was me. But I understand now. It has a name.
So thank you for this very informative article. I need to re-read it. Right now, I just have this vast sense
of relief and I need to savor that.
anonymous.
.

juno8590 | December 12, 2014 at 11:32 AM

Reblogged this on Write the PastDream the Future. and commented:

I had no idea this blog existed and Im so grateful for it!! Please read! Im so glad this is becoming
more recognized.

Juno8590 | December 12, 2014 at 11:39 AM

This is amazing and Im so incredibly glad this exists. I just recently discovered that my father the
narcissistic profile so well and it explained so many of my insecurities. I have been researching like
crazy and have even joined some support groups. Ive also started a blog to share my story and my road
to recovery. Thank you so much for this!! It has helped significantly. My heart cries out to everyone
who has been a victim to this horrible thing. But there is hopeI am my own person. I am a real
person and Im slowly discovering who she is. tiny bits of her appear everyday! Sometimes I lose sight,
but its a slow process. I am eager about the future for the first time in my life since I left my
narcissistic fathers household. It still isnt easy and there are battles ahead, but in the end it will be
worth it. Because I am worth saving. And so are you. No matter what they say.

gemznbeadz | December 16, 2014 at 3:45 PM

Thank you for this article. It answers so many questions for me, and helps me understand so many
things, like when I sought therapy but was kicked out because I couldnt articulate what was wrong
with me. The one thing I wish I could do is post this article t on my Facebook page, with a note to
people who know me, to shed some light on what many might think is strange behavior that I didnt
even understand myself.
The difference between me and most of the people who are examining the effects of NPD on their lives
is that my abuser is my stepmother, who came into my life when I was four. I have been dealing with
this for 59 years and as much work as I have done on myself, it still never ends. I visit one day a year,
for Christmas, and for days, weeks, even months beforehand, I endure what I call a newsreel: the
unspooling of images and memories that broke my heart and break it all over again as the newsreel
plays out. I have to grab myself by the scruff of my neck, shake myself, and stop. Just stop.

I didnt even know about NPD until a few years ago. Another book that has been instrumental in
understanding myself is Motherless Daughters, by Hope Edelman. I dont know how many of your
readers were raised by a narcissist who took over after the death of their very young mother, but it
might be important for those who were.

CC | December 18, 2014 at 3:40 PM

How do you ever recover from this when you have grown up in it and all the family play the game. I
just dont know who I am. I just feel so empty. Hollowed out. I cannot make head nor tale of my
family. I wouldnt know normal if it slapped me up the side of my head. I just havent known anything
else.

Steph | December 24, 2014 at 1:07 PM

Im in the middle of a custody battle with a narcissist..I just lost my job because of him and Im
thinkingreal hard..about walking away from him and my kids. I cant do it anymore. Today its my
job, tomorrow..3 months a year from now it will be something else. He wont stop until he wins and
Im not strong enough to do it. My kids are little I have a long road ahead and I cant do it. You hit the
nail on the head with this one! Im sure your talking about my ex.

Anon sufferer | December 27, 2014 at 6:27 PM

I am stuck in this right now & have been for decades.

No money to escape or anyone to turn to either. I can either live on the streets with nothing & freeze or
take the continual narcissistic abuse.
I would not wish this on anyone its the worse possible form of domestic abuse.

Stacey | December 29, 2014 at 6:25 AM

This speaks directly to me right now. My husband I believe is a narcissus. He blames me for everything
that has gone wrong in our marriage. I have turned into someone that I dont like. Angry all the time.
Wanting punishment for him. I feel like a failure. I didnt have great self esteem before but after 22
years of being with him I have absolutely none. How do you bounce back from that kind of pain? I
cant trust anyone with my heart.

anon | December 30, 2014 at 10:00 PM

I agree with another reader that out of everything Ive seen online on this wretched topic, this article is
so eloquent, so spot on, so intelligent that it gave me great strength, the strength to leave an in many
ways wildly remunerative (and thus seductive) but utterly soul-destroying relationship without wasting
much time. Having grown up with narc parents and a very abusive mother in particular, this last
relationship was not my first adult relationship to have mimicked the early fateful ones, but it was the
most dramatic and the most over-the-top one by far. I had worked very hard and painfully to get myself
out of the hole following a prior narc relationship, so that when finally the mask slipped and the scales
fell from my eyes it was not so difficult to orient myself again because I was lucky enough to find this
article almost immediately following my visceral and crazed need to get away from this person. I have
read the article many times over the last few days. It had the power to detach me from the situation and
LIBERATE me emotionally enough on the first day to gain the necessary emotional and geographical
distance to stimulate me to WANT to get back into my life, the one I had been in danger of losing. You,
the author, are SO fantastically eloquent in describing this particular emotional experience. Thank You.
Youve helped me tremendously and will no doubt help others.

Jane | December 31, 2014 at 8:08 AM

Living this nightmare now. I have set in motion the plans to leave though. This has been the MOST
debilitating situation I have ever been in. I have cut off every single friend and family member so they
will not find out how weak I have been to put up with this NPD maniac. I am not the same person I was
4 years ago. I may never get back to the non anxious, eggshell walking, panic mode life I had before.
These maniacs are not human. They cant be. My Narc had a horrid child hood, which I truly believe is
what caused his mental state. But its not my job to rip myself in pieces to fix him. He has a long trail
of destruction, past and current. I now know the SIGNS of these types of people and will NEVER
allow this kind of person near me or my kids again. The leaving part is the most difficult. Not because I
give a damn, but because they FREAK out and well, you know the rest.

Alison | January 2, 2015 at 2:21 AM

left a club over meeting a narc, chatted me up flirted with me, all then dumped me for someone else,
never have really got over it, felt lost empty iside, why me? Called him all the names of the day for
using me, never heard back from him again. NO apology nothing, just cut me out like I never existed.

Rosie | January 4, 2015 at 3:13 AM

I have spent the last two days reading everything I can find on the internet about this. I have a best
friend who I find impossible to get away from..weak, pathetic, lack of self-respect all those things
Im feeling about myself. My other friends will soon give up on me and I cant say Im surprised. Im
sometimes terrified of turning my mobile on when Ive tried to distance myself. Ive got to somehow
find the strength to do something about it and Im so happy that Ive found these sites. Its very, very
insidious. Its crazy but its almost worth moving to get away from it.

Pierette Romandi | January 4, 2015 at 5:43 AM

Thank you for this article!!!

I have just finished a relationship which was exactly as you have described I feel I have escaped
something very very dangerous, but I also feel stupid for not picking up (or, rather, paying due attention
to) warning signs.
On the night we broke up, he was on the point of moving in with me. It was a stressful and yet
should have also been happy? situation.He started raving about how he was going to kill someone. I
kept asking him to curb the violence of his words he would, for a bit, but then start up again. It was
upsetting me but he did what he always did on other occasions when I had been distressed : said he was
leaving and dumping me at the (psych ward of the) local hospital. He would NEVER just give me a
hug only threaten complete abandoment and dumping at the loony bin. Nice.
He claimed to have received a secret message on my own home landline, using his secret code name,
claimed it was a message from his handlers asking him to kill someone. (BTW, although he was
claiming to be targetted by ultra violent, above-all-government-control gangster-type entities, he
showed absolutely no concern for my safety, even though these claimed entities had called on my home
phone!!!). He went off his nut when I accidentally damaged the foot of his $1000 sofa I couldnt
take any more, went outside to sit in my car and started crying. He didnt look for me for half an
hour and then, he would only yell at me. All I wanted was a hug I told him so. He COULDNT do it.
Instead he changed the subject back to him He claimed he was a Bond (as in James Bond) and
that 5 years ago he had had to kill his previous handler. He claimed to have been recruited by the
Russian mafia.
He told me he was going out straightaway to kill his former real state agent, and he asked me if I would
stop him. I said shit yeah he asked how? I said Id call the police. He looked at me with a look of the
deepest disgust and said you are the most evil person in the world. And yet, I was not have never!
wanting to go out to kill someone???
He had also consumed half a bottle of whiskey.

To try to calm him down he was crying I got him to sit down in the bedroom. I was still upset, but
could see he was also upset, so tried to reconcile. He referred to things I had confided in him in past
discussions of domestic violence turning them against me (for instance, he told me that noone likes
me because I am an opinionated arsehole towards everyone. I know this is not true. Nevertheless it
was very hurtful intentionally hurtful!). When I turned around, he was holding his pocket knife
against his arm threatening to cut himself. At this point I started screaming in utter distress. At this
point, also, he switched on his mobile phone to record the audio of my distress!!!!
I lost it. I was so distressed I tried to leave in my car. All I wanted was to die. He called the abulance.
When they arrived, I noticed his demeanour changed dramatically to cool, calm and reasonable none
of the yelling and abuse or threats of beforehand. He was in complete control of his actions.
I ended up in lockdown suicide watch for almost 2 weeks all my family plans for Christmas were
ruined. It was one of the worst experiences of my life.
He spoke to my mum told her I would never be able to have a proper relationship with anyone; told
her that I had to give back the gift he gave me around my birthday (a brooch which, although I was
keeping safe, I have not been able to find I believe hes taken it himself anyway and just wants to
accuse me of thieving), and (in the same breath) asked for his herbs and spices back and would I hand
over the Christmas gift I had made for him? Yes, seriously.
Unfortunately, I am just the sort of person shy, introverted, suffering from PTSD due to longterm
previous domestic violence, quietly-spoken, somewhat isolated physically from my family to attract
this sort of person/fella. I know now that there is nothing pyschiatrically-speaking wrong with me I
have episodes of depression and anxiety which are directly related to PTSD and a sensitive/emotional
personality.
His family are intelligent and were very warm towards me his parents even came by to apologise. I
have no issue with them.
I am concerned he may be violent not towards myself, but others. I believe I have so let him and his
narcissism down he will never approach me again (PHEW!!!).

EFOORD | January 11, 2015 at 4:35 PM

help . my partner wont let me go he keeps contacting me charming me ect but I know if I go back
things will just go back to the way it was all the horrible names and feelings and actions things will
never change I love him so very much and I want to let go but I cant because he wont let me what
do I do ???

Melvyn S | January 15, 2015 at 2:33 PM

please can you help me I am in a serious mess as a result if being in an 18 year relationship , obviously
I have been rendered financially ruined so have limited funding and am in a desperate situation trying
to obtain support groups and my local mental health team refuse to discuss this issue stating that nvs is
not a recognised diagnosis and I am flabbergasted that this is the case why on earth is there no help
when the impact on the victim is so damaging I am completely lost and if I fail to obtain help I am sure
my while life will end in disaster

Melvyn Sherlock | January 15, 2015 at 2:37 PM

can anybody advise of anywhere that they have been successfull in obtaining support or any kind of
assistance towards recovery , my ex wife now has my 4 children and is abusing my children
emotionally and physically and despite social services and child protection services being involved she
manages to hurt my kids and be sitting there with visible physical injuries On them and she manages
some how to get away with it i am in desperation as to what I can do next

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2014/09/01/why-is-no-contact-so-difficult/

Why Is No Contact So Difficult?

Sep 1
Posted by ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse
One of the hardest things about narcissistic abuse and going no contact, is getting to that point in time
where we cross the line from WANTING the narcissist to love us & being devastated by the feelings
that they dont, along with everything that means to us and ACCEPTING that they are entirely and
forever incapable of it.
Whether or not we loved ourselves before we met a narcissist, is irrelevant. The fact is, we were sold
on the idea that a narcissist did love us in a grandiose narc fashion, then they went about the business of
abusing us. In that abuse, they also relentlessly verbally berated us, insidiously blamed us over and
over again, sending us the message that somehow the abuse was our fault and that we were not worthy
of anything more.
By the time we wise up and decide to put them behind us, the habit, obsession and addiction takes over
and drives us to think, feel and behave in ways that dont rationally make any sense to us.
Time and time again, Ive heard survivors say that they know they should be happy the narcissist is
out of their lives and not have any feelings of missing their abuser, but to their dismay, they DO miss
them and have feelings of longing they dont understand. Its difficult when your brain gets it, but your
heart (and self worth) arent on the same page.
Lets explore what makes NO CONTACT, the thing thats going to free us, save us and get us clear is
so difficult:
1) Brainwashing

YES. ITS REAL. The narcissist is a very insidious abuser. It took me 3 years to call my situation
abusive and I had to be led to that label by 3 mental health professionals and a superior court judge.
Their disorder is one that cannot accept ANY accountability so imagine each 24 hours that you spend
in a narcissists presence will be full of ways, reasons, and evidence of how things are YOUR fault.
Targets are responsible, empathic people to begin with. If, day in and out, we are told that happiness
would be ours if we could just DO WHAT THE NARC SAYS, or STOP what they tell us to stop. We
begin to be so exhausted, well buckle to the blame and try to fix it.
There are many false confessions on record, by innocent people who were so pressured by being told
they were responsible and feared their accusers that they acquiesced just to get the pressure to stop.
Same principle.
When we get free, weve got a brain that needs to decompress and get clear. Thats just not going to
happen overnight, even if our brains tell us we should.
We need to be patient with ourselves, know that our brainwashed state did not happen overnight and
will also not go away that quickly.
2) Our Focus is a Habit that is Dominated by the Narcissist
From Day 1, You are being taught to focus on the narcissist to the exclusion of yourself. Youre robbed

of your time, your own thoughts and feelings, spirit, soul and existence in order to cater to a stingy,
selfish, entitled, mentally disordered control freak. If you do what is expected of you, you will be
rewarded (kind of). If you buck the control system of the narcissist, you will be punished. Its very easy
to see how your attention is conditioned and reinforced to favor the narcissist.
When youve decided to go your own way, you are NOT USE to putting yourself first, thinking for
yourself, and not having the obsessive focus on the narcissist. Even though the monster is gone,
everything else remains. All the free time on our hands is like a vacuum of loneliness and learned
helplessness. Its a well known fact that any behavior you try to quit, is best conquered by
REPLACING it with a more positive habit.
A panacea for all this time on our hands is to turn the attention to ourselves. One trick that I used to use
was everytime that the abuser came into my thoughts, Id say STOP! inside my head. Then Id repeat
the words ME ME ME ME ME ME ME until my focus came back to myself. Once I was aware that I
was self focused, I asked myself questions, What do you need? What do you feel? Then Id go about
meeting my own needs. Whatever it was, even if I answered I need a hug, then Id put my arms
around myself, stroke my back and say I love you. While this sounds completely hokey, when youre
clinging to any bit of hope in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse, this doesnt appear so hokey. Try it. :)
3) We Doubt Our Own Worth
Whether we loved ourselves before we met the narcissist or not, we certainly do NOT feel self loving
when it is over, so lets just focus on that. If the narcissist has discarded us, despite all the loving,
giving, and sacrificing for them, this is such a blow to our egos that its very hard to accept. We feel
rejected, dejected and completely unworthy. Yes, rationally, we KNOW that we shouldnt give others
the power to hurt us this badly, but the fact is, those boundaries were busted the moment we let a
narcissist into our hearts. Theres no room for ourselves in our own hearts when a narcissist is in the
picture. Now theyve left us? Without any warning? AND replaced us so quickly!!??
What a blow! In hindsight we can look back and understand why the discard happened knowing full
well it says nothing about our worth, but in the moment? This is a devastating blow. These strong
emotions of rejection and unworthiness can lead us to do odd things: apologize for things we didnt do,
bargain and promise to change, or run the new supply down in an effort to feel better by comparison.
This is one of those bitter pill realities of narcissistic abuse that we need to swallow yet again. It hurts.
It sucks. It ISNT FAIR. It looks like the narc has moved on (and they have, but they did LONG before
they found someone else they were NEVER invested in you in the first place) and here we are:
STRUGGLING.
To make matters worse, we remember who we were when we were accosted by a narcissist,
remembering a happy, confident, independent, wise person. The realization of how much damage
weve suffered and then being tasked with the SOLE ROLE of fixing ourselves alone, is a tough, sad,
prospect.
Feel these feelings. The sadness, the injustice, the fear, the anger, the grief. All of those feelings, get
them out for as long as you need to, because this cycle of grief is the first wave of grieving.
Work on building your self worth. Read up on the topic and how to rebuild your self worth and then
use your boundaries to protect your worth from human predators.
Stay away from indulging in self-flagellating and criticizing statements. You are NOT to blame. You
are NOT unlovable. and you did NOT deserve this. Instead, take these statements as REMINDERS to
tell yourself the truth. You are WORTHY. You are LOVABLE. You have RIGHTS. You are NOT crazy,
and you are NOT narcissistic.

4) Our boundaries have been trampled

When youve been so trangressed, you dont know whos who anymore. The things you were are now
being worn like they belong to the narcissist, and you are bearing the burden of all the shameful
behaviors a narcissist espouses: Cheating, lying, using and abusing. They skate off looking like a good
person, while you are left behind (even if you left them) being the person they smear campaigned and
brainwashed into believing are the worthless, horrible, unlovable person theyve said you are.
When you finally get free, sorting back out all this boundary stuff is a HUGE TASK!
Using the serenity prayer or any form of separating yourself from the narcissist is a good strategic tool
at this point to rebuild your boundaries. Imagine two buckets before you. All the things the narc
accused you of, (projected onto you) can be tossed in the NARC bucket. The traits or identity that YOU
decide really DO belong to you, can be placed in YOUR bucket. If you repeat this exercise over and
over again, especially as you learn about the disorder and the defense mechanisms and schemas the
narcissist uses, you begin to get clearer and clearer about what belongs to whom. Its the reason we post
so much about what narcissists do on the page; its not that were just hate bashing, but rather that the
more you learn about the disorder, the more able you are to separate yourself from it and understand
why all the boundary transgressions were happening and who was responsible for busting them.
5) We feel the need to be validated and it is not forthcoming from the narcissist
With all the confusion, crossed boundaries and self doubt, a target is so beaten down, having looked to
the narcissist for such a long period of time, we havent yet learned that narcissists purposefully
withhold closure, and of course will never validate our feelings because to do so would involve taking
responsibility and being accountable.
Were full of emotion, want answers and dont yet understand that a narcissists lack of empathy is the
driving force behind their lack of validation. Its on full display when were hurting and theyre
refusing to validate our pain, our suspicions, and our feelings. Its an awful place to be in, because we
dont yet realize that the only validation we really need is our own. Each time we seek validation from
the narcissist, we only validate THEM; that theyre special and desired, while we kick ourselves for
wanting something from them that we once again didnt get. This is a horrible cycle of defeat but it can
be broken with the help of other survivors.
It is an enormous help to receive the validation of other survivors, therapists, friends and family so that
we can begin to rely on and validate ourselves once again. We get to the point where we accept the
validation and apologies well never get. We realize how self defeating it is to want something from
someone who we come to understand, isnt capable of giving it, so we let go of our desire to have it
and in doing so, free ourselves from the vicious web of wanting validation from a narcissist.
6) We Romanticize the relationship
And why wouldnt we? In the first 90 days after leaving, we havent yet learned that narcissists faked
the whole relationship. We remember the beginning, the idealization period, the proclamations of soul
mate love, the promises, the declarations of being the only, the first, the best, the most, the narcissist
perfectly mirroring our ideal love, our souls mate. We try to reconcile that with all the abuse. We dont
yet know this is the abuse cycle of idealization and devaluation, so we assume it was a love that we
cant quite comprehend why it went horribly wrong. The only answers we can come up with is that we
were so bad that we couldnt do anything right to hold it together.
While were busy hating ourselves for being so flawed and losing this great partner, we have a hard
time remembering all the soul wrenching pain they put us through and without names and labels for
their disordered behavior, we keep assigning ourselves the blame and the narcissist gets all the benefit

of our doubt.
If we catch wind or get a glimpse of the narcissist in the valuation stage of a new target, well convince
ourselves even more that the prince charming we lost, is so capable of sweeping declarations of love
for the new target and looks so happy and free in their new life with the new person that the only
answer could be that We suck and they dont.
This is NOTHING but a product of smoke and mirrors, brainwashing, poor boundaries, low self worth
and witnessing the disorder for the first time from the OUTSIDE.
Whenever you start to romanticize the relationship as anything other than the abuse that happened to
you, its a sign to STOP and remember the abuse that really did take place. The arguments that were
never resolved, all the discounting of your emotions, the name calling, the cheating, the hitting, the
threats, the stalking, the harassment, the lies, the smear campaign, the blame, the toxicity, the hurt, the
tears and the lack of empathy. NOTHING the narcissist could EVER do or say will be greater than the
fact that they have an incurable, permanent personality DISORDER and the only thing that can come
from them is ABUSE.
By the time you cycle through this first wave of grief, youll have alleviated the brainwashing, youll
have begun focusing on yourself again, youll be building your self worth, redeveloping and asserting
your boundaries, validating yourself and will have accepted the realities of this abusive relationship.
Then youll be ready when the second wave of grief comes and you have to mourn a relationship that
was never real in the first place.
For the most part, NO Contact is only a struggle for the first 90 days. Looking at it from this vantage
point, you can see that these are formidable tasks and its no wonder the amount of time it takes. We
dont use this word often, but lets face it: we were victims of domestic abuse. We arent going to just
walk away unscathed, like we do from other non abusive relationships.
Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself the emotions and luxury of time to be your WHOLE self again.
Accept rather than judge your emotions. Let them have their day. We dont want to hold these things in
because the outcome is not good for us when we do, as this results in depression and disease. Get your
feelings OUT where they wont hurt you anymore. Give yourself the gift of No Contact.

Leave a comment
Kevin | September 1, 2014 at 9:40 PM
Ive been in hell for 4 years. Now she is leavingtaking my daughter after threatening me. All
recorded. I want to get well and get my strength back as soon as possible. How long does it take
after you realize whats been happening to you for you to be normal again?
1. Olga | September 2, 2014 at 12:42 AM
Thank you for this post as for many before.This is invaluable in the recovery. Could you please
recommend any useful reading on rebuilding your self-worth?

richie | September 6, 2014 at 4:44 AM

Well the same happened to me about 14 yrs ago ! Took my daughter away because I
ended the relationship as after 7 years of being with her and her narcissistic behaviour I
stood up and ended it after years of walking on broken eggshells constantly being
blamed for stuff I never did etc
Then I had to sell my house as I was held to ransom by using emotional blackmail and

thats been happening still for the past 14 yrs Ive lost count how many letters sent to the
solicitor , court trips etc , the lost weekends where she wouldnt let me see her !
I have 2 years left as then I will be free financially from her ?
What I found that really works is keeping everything logged and filed and any
correspondence I had I again put file references so as to plant the seed I had a whole
dossier on her which in esscence I did have , and I always thanked her for the msgs even
if they were horrid and most of them are , because they cant argue when you are that
way !
Then I started to step away and not engage her which made huge rewards so even though
I was still having all the crap thrown at me I never rose to the bait and when I did
comment it was short to the point and nothing that would throw the spotlight on the
narcissist as they hate people seeing them for exactly what they are nasty people !
So when you get angry and want to be heard or put your point across know in your heart
what your doing is ok and vent it out even if its in your head but do not I repeat do not
get into an argument with them as they will demolish you , so the best way is to take the
power away in another way by either as the blog states No Contact or via professionals !
When she says jump dont your main concern is your child now and you must make it
your main focus above everything else as your ex will use everything in her power to
make your life not worth living .
So for the sake of your child do what you feel in your heart is rite , keep the journal so
that when your child gets old enough you can show it . I rang my daughter every nite
non stop for 14 years and never missed my weekends or any other school or activity she
did , yes its taken its toll on me with my health and finances but I have a great
relationship with my daughter and I wouldnt swap that for anything !
Yes her mother is still a narcissist but I see her clearly now and know how she operates I
always did but doubted myself in the early days as she had brainwashed me to the point
everything was my fault , but I now know it wasnt and I am a good and kind person as
you are also , dont think your not as you so are , we are survivors and there is loads of
us willing to help never forget that
I hope some of this helps you ?

2. Aleta | September 2, 2014 at 4:49 AM

I hate to admit it, but I have been struggling with this NO Contact and enjoying it at the same
time. I still have the yo yo mentality going on. It has been about 3 weeks and I want to be
dedicated to myself regardless of the thousands of tears, anger and stupidity I feel. I read the
serenity prayer about 5 to 10 times per day, I go to exercise almost every night, spend quality
time with my daughter and try to help her understand what that monster did to us; so she will
know the signs of a narcissist and make better choices. I want to send out a huge thank you for
all who write about narcissistic abuse and comment on their stories. It is a gigantic help and is
saving really, really good people!
3. Manonfire | September 2, 2014 at 7:48 AM
Hello
I hope this helps ,it was painful to place this image on my phone .
The idea was much easier .
At the end of the post why no contact is so hard
There was an image No Contact !

I thought to place it with my abusers phone # when she calls.

What a struggle ,of it helps anyone ?
4. Linda Turner | September 2, 2014 at 9:08 AM
Reblogged this on PARENTS HEALING FROM ESTRANGEMENT.
5. GeneticPsycho | September 2, 2014 at 12:09 PM
Wow. That was thorough. I feel like you walked in my shoes. I discovered that going back to the
Narcs to give you the good times feelings is a matter of chemistry. When they were giving
you the pattern of hot-cold-hot attention, they got you addicted to the dopamine (love chemical)
and endorphin surges.
I found relief by boosting dopamine naturally with Dopamine Diet http://snip.ly/2us and Foods
high in Phenylalanine http://snip.ly/vUBl
I was able to fall in love with life again, and no longer waste away wishing for the past.

Nakeiha Davis | September 2, 2014 at 8:44 PM

I have to be honest. Im afraid that if my N comes back I will go back. I have had dreams
that have warned me of this. I am so hurt and so damaged. I am proud to say I have bn
45 days NC. But my entire life feels derailed. My thought process is so off. I mean from
the way I tell time to the way I add and subtract. I have always been a strong beautiful
person but I have also been lonely. I am afraid that he will use that to his advantage.
Something says hell be back and something says he wont. I am a codependent. I hate
that part of me. I am trying hard to work on that. I have PTSD now which is awesome! I
am very ashamed of myself. I told the world that this man was amazing but never told of
the abuse. And now Im alone. Right now it isnt too bad but at times it kills me. My N
says he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life but he needs a wife not a
gf for 7months lol. Im 21 and hes 29. Omg I shoulda jumped ship after the first date.

Kia | September 4, 2014 at 11:24 AM

I really dont know what to do Im hurting so bad right now. I have days where I
am so positive so strong and then I am so weak that I can barely move.

ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse | September 4, 2014 at 2:21 PM

Hi There
First Im so sorry for how youre feeling right now. Ughhh I really remember how
BAD it is, so you are NOT alone in this hurt and immobility, ok?
What is it thats the root of the hurt right now? Whats hurting the most? How
long has it been?

Kia | September 4, 2014 at 11:19 PM

The root is just him. He rushed everything in our relationship. He made me feel
safe and loved. A month amd a half after our break up we were still talking about
us and I find out hes on a dating site. He told me about his other failed
relationships and I told him I didnt want to be another story. I gave him my
whole heart and now hes ignoring me. Im trying to understand that hes a
heartless person I really am. The worst part is I got so close to his family. I miss
themlosing people is what im worst at. But the night he broke up with me je

just acted so normal a week after I had dinner with his parents. Im just lost. I
always hear people around me say that its too bad he isnt around. Idk what
wrong with me I guess Im not lovable. He said alot of hurtful things to me and
they are sticking. If he comes back I wont know what to do. That has been his
pattern with at least one of his exes. Just dont get y he could nt forgive me
because I loved him unconditionally. :-(

GeneticPsycho | September 15, 2014 at 11:32 AM

You need help being strong. Perhaps get some support from other people who
know what you are going through in the forum at http://PsychopathFree.com

6. Kath | September 2, 2014 at 1:58 PM

I am going through the No Contact stage and it is difficult and it is an addiction. Sometimes
however you read something that really registers and sticks in your mind. I use these little
snippets as mantras and the one which has registered here is Give yourself the gift of No
Contact. What a brilliant phrase and one I will remember. Thank you for all the help you are
giving me and others with your writings.
7. Katharine | September 3, 2014 at 10:36 AM
I was doing fine on the No Contact plan until my malignant narcissistic brother, who hasnt
spoken to me in 5 years, wrote me a letter (didnt know he had it in him!) using Scripture to
manipulate me back into our toxic family. He used words like honor your mother and father
and forgive and projected a lot. Ive decided to ignore the letter. (He lives in the Midwest and
I live on the East Coast) but even this little contact has sent me into the spiral. I know that my
manipulative mother got him to write the letter. I know that he, my father and my mother have
been conspiring against me and I know that if I did come back, it would be nothing but more
abuse. Im shaking. This is really tough. My PTSD is triggered. I feel like Im losing ground on
who I am. I have to stand firm, but it will take everything in me to do so. I found this list very
helpful and practical. Im collecting truths to stand on until this blows over. This one is going to
be an important one.

Sue | November 21, 2014 at 6:12 AM

I know exactly what you feel like! I have even been condemned to hell for saying no to
my NM. The respect thing is a hard one because as a Christian we want to do the right
thing. I too have been ignoring all emails, smss etc. It took me more than a year to get to
this point though. Almost 2 years! There are so many bible versus we can throw at them
but we dont because we dont use manipulation to do it. Do you think God intended the
Bible to be uses as a weapon to knock someone over the head with? No Ways! When
you are at the point where we are its not about forgiveness anymore. Its about trust and
not wanting to be hurt any more! I cant do anything about their bad behavior but I can
do something about how I choose to spend my life and with whom I choose to spend it!
No contact with always be a struggle but if I remember the hurt they caused I know
being far away is so much better!

8. curev | September 4, 2014 at 12:10 PM

Thanks for this article. I live under the same roof with my N and no contact is just very hard. It
just take too much energy for ignoring, pretending, and shutting mouths when we see each

other. But yes, still its better that being gaslighted all the time, brainwashed that 2+2 are 3,
falling so deep into his eyes trying to figure out what I did wrong, feeling guilt all the time,
feeling emotionally blackmailed
counting the days on my calendar when Ill leave this house
9. JMW | September 5, 2014 at 2:06 PM
I am so sorry to hear of all the pain and suffering these people cause; I guess I was one of the
lucky ones probably do to my age (45) and seeing other people these relationships prior to ever
running into mine. My sorry is a bit different because my narissist never left me. In fact
yesterday I was granted a harassement restraining order. It was so relieving and rewarding to
hear the judge thunder at him about his abuse and harassement. I broke up with him because he
was starting to make me feel crazy and bad about myself. Everything written above was the
same for me EVERYTHING except he always chased me. We broke up in April and he used a
send-text app to get around the block. He would contract friends, send cards, leave flowers
and during this time DATING someone else. Gross. Although mine only lasted a years with 4 of
those months me trying to get him to stop contacting me helped. He would text me 30 to 77
times a day! Even after the cops talked to him twice he kept it up. The text per day slowed to 212 a day. I jump everytime my text message goes off even now. And I had 2 solid weeks after
the TRO was served to get use to it. The hardest part for me is wrapping my brain around that
they never loved us. How do people even exist like that. He was all words and no action. I
caught on to his lies early. When he called me a whore the first time; honestly I was in
disbelief. That is the further thing from the truth. I was more trouble that it didnt bother me than
him saying it. I think it must had worked on others before me and since he never cared to really
get to know me he just recycled his old tricks. I get that he never loved me. He wore me out and
I wanted him gone BUT what I dont get is how do these people all use the same lines is there
a manual they read? Really, is it from tv, movies.what because they all act a like. I will say
this, getting the restraining order was time consuming (court) and up until the day I officially
had my hearingI still wondered did I take this to far when he sat in court and told the judge
so what, they were texts, cute gifts, cards and the only reason he was there was because he
didnt want this on this record I realized he didnt get it. I took my life back. They are losers.
They lie, manipulate, cheat, blame, nothing is ever enough. Take your poisen somewhere else
son, this life is not a trial run. You made me unhappy for to long!
10. Lucia | September 5, 2014 at 2:48 PM
Thank you so much for this, such a powerful and effective piece. Ive been out for about 60
days now and this really hit home. Grateful for ANA!
11. anupturnedsoul | September 9, 2014 at 9:29 AM
Reblogged this on An Upturned Soul and commented:
Great Post!
.
Great blog for those whove been in a relationship with a narcissist and really even if you
havent been in a relationship with a narcissist, society (especially society in media) can be
narcissistic or experienced that way, and these tips, ideas and mind hacks are useful in life in
general.
.
Awareness is key the key to ourselves and our well being.
.
The most important relationship in your life is the one which you have with yourself.

Nurture that relationship nurture yourself!

.
Thank you for sharing!.
.
Brilliant blog, from a talented blogger and beautiful soul!
12. gentlestitches | September 9, 2014 at 3:53 PM
It is hard to go no contact with parental abusers because they spend years programming their
children to accept their crap. Your site and others like it aid in the child (who at this stage is an
adult) in packing their bag and running, running, running. wheeeeeeee!!!!! <3
13.
14. wineflower | September 29, 2014 at 3:56 AM
Im struggling through NC right now with my girlfriend of 3 years who dumped me like a piece
of trash 3 months ago. I did so much for her, sacrificed my time and mental health, only to get
belittled and disrespectedand I was discarded like I never existed. Since then she has
completely ignored me, only sending me a nasty, scathing email when she found out I got a
better paying job through a mutual friend. Talk about kicking me while im already down.
What I struggle with the most is not checking her Twitter account. Shes blocked me from
everything else but that, since its not possible to :(
15. B (Anonymous) | October 4, 2014 at 6:55 AM
Thanks for this site and the one on Facebook. I could not post on Facebook because it would be
linked to others. Each time I feel down I come to your writings for confirmation of what I have
endured. My mother is a Narcissist to the nth degree. I have 5 brothers and sisters who are narcs
as well. They have been carefully trained. Even my daughter has shown some hints of the same.
I am in therapy and have been all my life. I think she set that up to use against me as well. So I
must have had a mental problem from way back when as seen by everyone else. She told me my
IQ was very low and that I had a learning problem growing up. I recently had a new evaluation
done because something about this concept didnt feel write. The result of the evaluation is my
IQ is very high and I dont have any learning problem. Having been brainwashed into thinking I
wasnt smart enough only made me appear less than I truly am.
My family have all insulted, shamed and humiliated me because of her lies.
I am going through No Contact now and a Mindfulness class to reclaim my self. But I am
beyond hurt. The therapists dont know what to do with me. They have asked me to accept what
has happened and they dont want to hear about it. One of the large problems is that no one will
listen. Isnt that part of being a therapist, listening.
My sisters and brothers have picked a child from their children and are doing the scapegoat
abuse to them. One nephew has tried to overdose himself. One niece has been a cutter. The
parents deny any kind of abuse inflicted by them. One sister keeps repeating that she will not
say that she is sorry. I worry to what she is referring. The other nieces and nephews, and I know
who they are, have not taken these drastic measures but they know something is not right. I was
always kept away from those children as if by being near them, we would find a commonality.
My family is dead to me. My daughter is all I have. My daughter keeps me alive. My past has
been a nightmare. I am truly terrified of them. They are not done with me and I know they will
come after me at any time. Had one incident already. My daughter has been threatened already,
thankfully my daughter hasnt found out. She refuses to hear about it as well. I worry my ex has
allowed my daughter to talk to my mother. Im paranoid about everything.

My mother is evil and demonic. All the crap she has woven she will go to her grave with. Shes
off the hook for all her wrongdoing. God! What a fucked up world we live in.
16. Amanda | October 18, 2014 at 3:21 AM
I have had nearly 9 weeks no contact, apart from last week when I had to go to Court because
he had hit me to watch him plead not guilty, not only did he put me through 4 years of hell, he
stayed with me all this time, going on holidays, even towards the end moving in with me, before
I threw his stuff out and he punched me in the face.
I still am in denial that he actually loved me, he would ring me, then when I rang him back he
would ridicule me to people in the background, so it looked like I was bothering him, he has
told everyone I am a psycho and a drunk, even though when I met him he was an alcoholic, I
feel like I have lost my dignity and part of myself, one minute I feel strong thinking I will not
allow him to destroy me, the next Im crying and obsessing about all the shifty behaviour in the
past that now makes more sense, like ringing me causing an argument hanging up on me then
his phone would be off all night, ringing the Police on me saying I was harassing HIM,
changing his number but then keep turning that phone on to see if I was still contacing him,
going back with me then 3 months later ringing the Police on me again! then getting back with
me, I think now looking back he rang the Police to get me out of the way probably because he
was with someone else or doing unbelievable stuff that he did not want me to catch onto.
I feel like I AM the crazy one, I had him charged for hitting me even though this was not the
first time he had punched me, hit me, kicked me, called me awful names, broke my nose, pulled
my hair make me so crazy that in the end I played right into his hands and would turn up
because yet again he was giving me the silent treatment or after a wonderful weekend would
then just not answer the phone or deliberately engineer a fight so he could turn his phone off
again all night, I know deep down he was probably unfaithful god knows how many times, I
used to ask him this constantly, that if he did not want to be with me just tell me you have done
this and he would never ever admit it because he knew deep down I meant it, he would never let
me off the hook and now I know he was getting a sadistic pleasure knowing he had been
unfaithful behind my back and probably every time he slept with me he had the knowledge that
he had probably slept with someone the day or night before he was constantly badgering me for
sex and would not leave me alone I know now this was probably because it turned the twisted
fuck on, it is sick.
He has probably already moved on and has probably had countless new supplies for most of the
time we were together, he constantly told me I dont love you, I can take it or leave it etc etc etc
and still I stayed as he would take this all back when he was being normal I feel like I will
never get over it but I have to there is no alternative, sorry this is so long x
17. TJ | November 4, 2014 at 11:20 AM
After 20 years of trying to reconcile with narcissistic family, I finally did no contact. That was
difficult enough because I felt as unforgiving, unloving, monstrous as they said I was. The real
difficult is that I have had to be on guard against other narcissists who are so ready to move in.
Little by little, Im learning to set the boundaries, but sometimes its exhausting. For example,
in autumn 2013, my 18-year-old son was diagnosed with cancer. We spent the winter helping
him through Chemo. In the Spring he had very major surgery. We had little sleep through all
this and were exhausted. Most of my friends have been awesomely supportive. However, one
long-time out-of-state friend kept inviting a mutual friend to come with her to visit us. I told her
that we were not up to visits, and then had to repeat my request to please not make plans
involving me without first asking. Rather than accept this she felt that was the time to tell me

my faults. She ignored my boundaries, insulted me, told me she wasnt listening to me, and
compared our exhaustion from the cancer battle with her headache. Then she shifted blame by
very graciously telling me she forgave me. I refused to accept it and stood up for myself.
However, this has plunge me back into the turmoil of abuse. I have to reprocess it and logically
re-teach myself the truth: That I have a right to set boundaries, my traits are not flaws, I dont
have to accept false blame, etc. Then my brother, the only family member I still have (had?)
contact with, sent me a meme about loving parents while they are still here. I told him to stop
sending guilty stuff to me. Dealing with such people have completely depleted me after an
already exhausting year.
But I will not give up.
18. shondra | November 4, 2014 at 3:22 PM
It has been almost a year since I kicked him out of my house. The first couple of months I felt
relief! We were together off and on for 19yrs. I met him when I was 15. My father died when I
was 17. The following year we had our first child and 18 months later our second child. Over
the years, I broke it off numerous times. But the only way he would help me with our kids was
if I was with him. So, I am finally at a place in my life where I can support myself and two kids.
Its a struggle but we get by. After I put him out I started doing research online to help me figure
out what was wrong with me. I needed to find a way to end this vicious cycle of always taking
him back. I didnt want to put my kids through it anymore! Thats when I found a book called
The Path Forward Surviving a Narcissist. All of a sudden it all made sense! It was so clear! This
is the nightmare Ive lived for 19yrs. Im grateful that I found this book. But thats when the
reality hit.my entire adult life has been nothing but a lie. I suffer from ptsd. I have horrible
anxiety! My counselor doesnt get it!!! I think Ive come through my worst days but still feel
like I dont know if Ill ever be ok again. I have tons of guilt because I know my depression has
been extremely hard on my kids.
I needed to read this post today! I thank you. I think this is the only one Ive read that describes
the narc but also gives
suggestions for ways to recover!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
You have given me hope!
19. Danielle | November 5, 2014 at 2:52 PM
I am a mess. It has been 7 months since I broke up with my narc. He of course had a new girl
the next day but continued to contact me for the past 7 months still. 2 weeks ago we finally
ended it. well after I saw him and his girl out for the first time and had a breakdown. I feel
like im going through withdrawal, im so sad. we havent spoke in two weeks. I dont know why
I have a strong desire to speak to him, see him.. I still feel brainwashed. all I want to do is cry
20. mindy | November 14, 2014 at 11:50 PM
Am I supposed to tell him about no contact, or just stop initiating/responding without any
explanation or warning to him?
21. Christine | November 18, 2014 at 10:03 AM
Thank you so much for this article! Ive read a lot about narcissism but this is one of the most
cogent explanations Ive read about the difficulty of no contact. Thank you for explaining so
clearly what were going through. My brain keeps telling me Im better off without that
egocentric control freak, but my heart inexplicably misses him on occasion (its been four
months now since I left him). It really helped to read this and realize Im not actually missing

him, but getting over his brainwashing. I grew so accustomed to adjusting myself to his
worldview that Id almost forgotten my own. Im getting that back with social events, spending
quality time with my friends and family, interesting new hobbies/activities, etc. (which he
always tried to get me to give up). Ill keep reading this over and over again to remind myself
what Im working towards.
22. Shawn | November 18, 2014 at 1:07 PM
Best article Ive read. Every single word is true. I thank God every day that there are people out
there who understand this. I have hardly anyone in my world who gets it. Nor do they care.
23. Alexandre Fernandes | November 18, 2014 at 2:38 PM
Hi there. Its so recent and it still hurts my heart. I feel so empowered when I read these posts,
so, thank you all for them.
I feel so bad for having entered this boat, but for the second time Im out of the house scared
and restarting again. While living with her, I get to the point of serious withdrawals from my
wife and the more I did, more aggressive and abusive she gets. Cops came in to intervine and
Im finally out. I know that shell come back all sorrowful and sorry, but this time, Ill survive
and apply the no contact technique. Thank God theres no child involved to suffer along with
me.
I am a very sensitive person, therefore, Im feeling bad and lonely right now, due to the
countless efforts to be a good partner. I use to take breakfast in bad for her every morning and it
was never enough, it started to bother her and I stopped, but that caused me more trouble.
I have left work and life to help this doctor in her practice; made good improvements while I
was there, but I was repaid with a kick in the butt and thrown out unmercifully, jobless and
homeless. Thanks God I have friends that believes in me and knows me to accommodate my
needs, but for some reason I punish my self for not fixing the marriage and I feel like a failure
as a husband. I know the deep truth and I know my potentials, so, Im going to use it to help
myself and let none blame me for being self-centered.
The less contact I make the better will be in a long run.
24. Robin | November 18, 2014 at 5:21 PM
I felt so much guilt because my Narc in my life is my mother. Honor thy Mother and all that
right? I also had some hope that she would realize the hell she put me through and have an
epiphany of what she was doing and become the mother I wanted her to be and deserved. I
realized after 46 years this will never happen. I thank all the people who stepped forward to help
me and that this HAS a name and I am not crazy because how can you explain to anyone
without feeling like they think you are out of your mind? No contact is the way to go, even if it
is your mother. Toxic is toxic and we deserve to be treated like we are the blessed child that we
are and not someones property and treated like trash.
25. Dee | November 18, 2014 at 6:18 PM
Great read! Im a little over a month of NC, since Oct 13th. I struggle everyday, but I refuse to
allow him to manipulate me ever again. The worst part for me is that I knew all of this very
early on, the triangulation, the need to be adored, the social networks, the close friends, the
lack of family, the multiple relationships that ended, the empty promises.This last month,
with the help from this site, has been a learning experience for me. The validation I receive only
makes me stronger. My brain is in a good place, but my heart is still broke. NC is a gift I give to
myself
26. Diana Prince | November 19, 2014 at 3:35 PM

I just left my narc three days ago after 12 year of on-again/off-again, horrible, nasty fights, and
extreme gas lighting. I thought everything was my fault and begged him to tell me how to
change. I apologized constantly, and was in therapy for over 10 years. I have gone No Contact,
but today he sent an email to my work account, and I was so surprised I opened it. I just scanned
it, but then it hit me that EVERYTHING he says is projection. The things he is accusing me of
are EXACTLY the things he did. He even used some of my own words. That made everything
so much easier, because before I realized that, I was still questioning myself.
Love this site! Thank you!
27. Spot On | November 24, 2014 at 10:18 PM
This post about Narcissitic Abuse and the whys behind how devastating it is and how hard it is
to overcome is true beyond a shadow of a doubt. Its good to see other men posting responses as
we are so much less likely to do so or look for information like this online and its just as
destructive to us. The feelings of guilt, shame, regret, self loathing, hate, and anger are strangely
conflicted with still feeling love, longing, and wanting to go back in time to do it over again and
mend what we did wrong. However, that is how one always creates more supply for the
narcissist in our lives. I could tell 1,000,000 other men or women walking on the street that their
relationship was or is abusive yet i cant see it clearly myself and always came back for more.
My narc x was and still is beautiful to me even just a few days after being called every name in
the book but its still so hard to run the other way. Especially when sex was used as a way to
manipulate over and over again along with charm, sincerity, and all of those special skills that
an Narc masters but few people see through. Those folks who do see it dont last long which
explains why she never really got along with my friends and their wives, but somehow that was
my fault and their wives fault, not anything to do with her. My brain knows what a joke and
facade of a human being she is yet my heart cant let go. Uggh! I would love to go NC except
we/I have two children that need protection from this person, and thats a very real concern.
Thank goodness I have joint custody both legally and physically.
28. Kelley | December 5, 2014 at 12:29 PM
Mine is a twenty seven year entanglement with a narc. My mom was a narc so moving into a
marriage with one felt normal. This is not to say that I knew what they were doing to me. I was
in the discarding phase when I finally left. The discarding phase had been in full swing for five
years with my husband treating me as if I was invisible. I finally figured out the whole sick
thing from reading about it online. I bought a book called enough about you lets talk about me.
So I made a plan for a year away. This man (he seems like a total stranger to me now) I was
married to wanted my inheritance. He bullied, intimidated and tried to drive me over the edge
mentally, but somehow I was able to not cave in and do what he wanted. This made him
escalate. This showed me his true colours more and more.
Oh, did I mention that he is a clinical psychologist? Doesnt practice anymore since we left the
states. But man oh man did he have my number. There Were were times when the only way out
seemed to be by one of us dying. Truly I felt dead inside.
I bought the house we lived in. I am an artist and knew that when I left it would mean I had to
give away my studio and all the friends I had. We live on a small island in New Zealand so
when you talk about isolation this is the real definition. At 59 I was terrified of starting over.
What has been written in this blog is exactly how it is and was for me.
But I did leave. Three trusted friends helped me take each step. I saw an attorney and had
everything in writing about what My Rights were so he couldnt intimidate and scare me. I
wrote him a letter (a very non threatening one) I bought him a weeks worth of groceries (lol

what a co dependent I am) and left all the legal paperwork on the counter. Before this I opened
up my own bank account and a credit card in my name and got into counselling.Then off I went
to rent a house on my own.
For six months I went through the hell of facing the effects of this long term abuse. Self
loathing was huge. I would cry just looking at my old tired face in the mirror. All the wasted
years of me trying and trying in vain.
Here I am10 months gone. No contact is my biggest rule and mantra. Still a long way to go to
find out who I am. Thanks to all of you out there who put your words down for me to read.
It was a life line.
29. Ady | December 9, 2014 at 7:32 PM
It took a lot of healing to realize I was raised by a narc. Even more to realize thats why I fell in
love with a narc and had his child. Reading through your page was like going through my diary.
It took a lot to identify the roots planted for so long but I am able to see them more clearly
everyday. Theres so much hope to be had. I am now married to a man who seems unbelievable
because Ive never been loved before and its amazing. I didnt realize the root of all my abuse
came from a narc till I walked away from it and began to heal but if you do and you can find
your way out please know that the love that awaits you through healing is extraordinary. You
deserve extraordinary love.
30. AnonyJim | December 21, 2014 at 1:59 PM
Im on day 23 of NC and its so hard. I want to call her and hug. I want to see if shes okay or
needs someone to talk to. Every day is a task to leash my mind from the constant incessant
pulling back to her. Meanwhile, shes telling our friends Ive been parked outside her house at
night scaring her. I lose another person in my life every couple of days. So many flying
monkeys. All i can do is be silent, and remain strong in no contact. Not that she cares. She has
never needed me. Ive refrained from talking to people i know about her narcissism because it
seems so bad to label someone. Its so confusing. The black hole in my chest is gone though.
Im in the 2nd phase of grieving the loss of a pretended marriage. We were together four
months before she pounced on my weakness. I blame myself for not being a stronger man. I
struggle with my skin. I love the image of her. I miss the dream of who i thought she was. I pray
for a miracle and that she will come back. I know this hope is my noose. It is choking my selfesteem. Its so sick to have to saw off a piece of you and still try and keep your heart open. Its
our purpose though. Thankful we didnt have children. Sad to have lost my person.

Anonymous User | December 23, 2014 at 4:41 PM

Hang in there buddy. Your situation matches my own really well. We know in our heads
that NC and moving on is the right thing but our hearts say otherwise your head is
smarter than your heart this time which is the same for most of us. Our hearts are still
deceived although our new awareness makes it so our heads know the best thing is to
move on with NC but our hearts still really do hurt in the meantime. Dont blame
yourself 100% for not being a stronger man either. I did that too and she fully took
advantage of the opportunity for it to be not her fault at all. That mirrored our
marriage and I slowly but surely lost acres of land over time to being the bigger person
which ironically equates to being the STRONGER man in hindsight. You can learn a lot
from this for your next even BETTER relationship and marriage if you put in the time to
work on yourself first. You will lose some friends. However, now you (and I ) have the
ability to let the people into our lives who are not toxic and do not tolerate people like
your ex. The friends youre losing may not be lost my perception of our mutual

friends who I thought were lost is that they were on her side. After meeting with a few of
these types of mutual friends for a beer, hitting golf balls, coffee, etc, I rapidly
discovered that their POV is surprisingly neutral, and many are probably more in line
with you than you actually think. Hearing that first hand from them was healing for me
and showed just how much that she is capable of making you think about others too (its
all part of the endless manipulation). Just my nutshell for you which I hope helps.
Holidays even though miserable with her in past years may still remind you of the
marriage which in turn makes you feel miserable again since you miss what you think
are the good things about her but this too may be a deception as well. The constant
conflict can be something we miss as it was a form of stimulation even though it is a bad
stimulus and the lack of that type of energy feels like a loss of something good and
we miss it by missing the person you were with. Hope that makes sense. I have 2 kids so
I get a lifetime of this and counseling has proved extremely valuable for me in this
regard. The core reason of why I miss my x is also tied to the expectations and dreams of
a wife and marriage that I always wanted, but never actually had. Much of my marriage
was pretended as well. I miss the marriage that I THOUGHT I had, not the one I actually
DID have. That last sentence is huge in my recovery.

31. Tables-turned | December 28, 2014 at 12:36 PM

Hi there, thanks for the lovely article. I have to say, it has actually made me realize that Im
actually a narcissist myself. I had come to these forums looking for understanding about how I
was ill treated by a 2 year fling that just left me hanging (whilst in a relationship). I was literally
reeled in, consumed, devalued and discarded before I could even spell my name or know what
had hit me for that matter. Hows that for karma?
To my dismay, I have come to the realization that I had been given a taste of my own medicine.
Trust me its more bitter, more so when served chilled. Ive been in a formal relationship with
an amazing person for the past 14yrs and it kills me to have to admit publicly that they have
been nothing but amazing. They provided for my every need, been on my beck and call. What
did i do in return? The more they loved me, i became unattracted to them. Instead i started
chasing others ladies to boost my own insatiable ego and pride. I have come to a realization that
I have narcissistic tendancies myself. I needed constant re-assurance from external sources to
boost my own twisted, sad, sorry, lonely and miserable life.
I would like to say, sorry my darling. I didnt realize what a pr*ck id become. How selfish, how
ignorant and insensitive to your feelings id become. I was enjoying the attention i was getting
from total strangers more than what i was unconditionally receiving from home.
How ironic, that I research about my pain and how i was done in by a narcissist and only to
discovery that Im actually one myself. What are the odds? One Narc outsmarted by another.
I was given the silent treatment and ignored for Nth thime in 2 years by my side kick until i
decided to go No Contact. Please people, remember that this is happening whilst im in a loving
relationship which i hadnt honored. The poor woman has kept up with my indescretion, busted
me several times, Ive denied all each time. She has stayed and still continues to stay.
Ive gone no contact with my fling and this has strangely brought me closer to my original
partner that had stood by me all her life. Im repentant. Ive come clean with her and she is
seriously hurt. I wont blame her if she leaves me. I feel bad, remorseful and stupid. I now think
I know what true love is, she had put up with me for 14yrs and is still around. She is an
extremely attractive lady that could be snatched up in a blink of an eye, instead she chose to put

up with my sh*t.
Im openly asking for forgiveness for all my indescretion and the hell ive put her through. Ive
written all my escapades in a confession letter, spanning the 14 year relationship and all the
people ive cheated with, +25 people in total. Initially I wasnt gonna send it, but decided to
post it to her, although we live in the same house. I know shes received it cause shes distant
and withdrawn now.
I need help. Im not proud of what Id done. Im hurting. I realize that I was trying to feel a void
which stil exists.
Please, Id appreciate any suggestions on how to address my shortcomings. I suspected that it
could be that I never had my dad around growing up and am still trying to make up for that.
Seeking the reassurance and affirmation from total strangers.
Im truly sorry to my darling, Im honestly and truly sorry. I admit that Im sick and need help.
Im willing to change now that I know I have a problem.

http://www.no2abuse.com/index.php/articles/comments/silent-abuse-the-mind-game-by-teresa-cooper

Silent abuse The mind game by Teresa Cooper

21st Nov 2013 | in
We have all suffered many forms of abuse but the least talked about is The mind game otherwise
known as the silent treatment; ie deliberately ignored to cause harm to another persons mental well
being, sent to Coventry, deliberate sabotage to a persons life or/and credibility and is one of the most
harmful methods of abuse used by abusers who feel that
If they do not use their hands to physically abuse then it isnt abuse.
Wrong
It is abuse to ignore someones needs emotionally and make them feel worthless, depressed and will
cause long term damage so much so that in many cases it can lead to the victims physical health being
harmed.
To deliberately cause harm to someone by use of the silent treatment, deny a person any emotional
care, deny them any praise, starve them of love, affection, compliments, positive feed back, to regularly
reject, degrade and deny a person any emotional responsiveness and to ignore a persons needs is mental
abuse or also known as psychological abuse. It is repetitive abuse thats aimed at controlling,
diminishing another persons well being in order to hurt, punish, harm or control them.
The silent abuser is able to switch himself off emotionally to the pain and suffering he is causing his
victim and will deny he is the problem and he may tell himself or others that he is the victim.
You stop being a victim when you become the abuser
The abuser is capable of closing down all reasonable sense of emotions and turn into a cold heart very
fast as he withdraws into his own world without any care for his victims distress . The abuser will

behave in society charming, calm, happy, he will be seen by others as a pillar of society, gentle natured,
helpful, kind, caring and fool the outside world into thinking he is abused and his partner is the abuser.
This is classic of a mental abuser. They will have their partner labelled a mental case whilst he plays
the victim and saint and makes her the subject of of every ones rejection by labelling her with an
unbalanced mind.
The true victim will be further rejected not only by her abuser but also by his friends, work colleagues,
family and others he is likely to meet. The abuser needs to feel in control and he will seek constant
approval from those around him and convince them that hes the true victim. They will offer him
advice and he will feed off their pity which will make him feel even more in control as he plays the
victim.
The true victims may withdraw from all social activities, work, stop seeing family, they stop being fun,
will see everything in a negative light, stop eating which is the start of dangerous health issues, cry
alone, send text terror messages as a means to fight back which only gives the abuser more ammunition
to abuse her with as he will use that as a further excuse to ignore and make her look bad in front of
others. The abuser will happily share the text messages because he wants everyone to see him as the
victim. The true victim will stop functioning on all levels as the mind games take over her life. She will
find it hard to think of anything else but what is happening to her. The victim will fight with her own
mind and struggle to work out if she is being abused or is she truly the problem. The victim may start
behaving irrationally from the stress caused by the mental abuse.
Mental abuse is not normally seen by anyone on the outside looking in because they see the abuser as a
strong, calm, caring and sincere person and will not be able to see the true character behind the person
in front of them that they think they know so well.
Do you really know the person standing next to you?
Out of all the abuse I suffered (I am female), the one part of the abuse I have always struggled with is
being ignored and made to feel I was in some way, the problem. When I begged for the abuser to stop
he didnt listen and when I sought help, no one listened. The more I was ignored the more it built up an
extreme and unlikely intolerance for being ignored which has stayed with me as an adult. I left care
with that intolerance to the ugly side of human nature that often sees many people misuse the silent
treatment to harm others. Some justify this behaviour and kid themselves that its in some way an
honourable stance to take. Ignoring someone briefly when done to express dissatisfaction is very
different to the silent treatment. To ignore someone as a regular means to punish, hurt or upset someone
as payback or for whatever reason, is in my opinion and the opinions of experts to be considered, one
of the worst forms of mental abuse that exists in human nature. It causes irreparable damage to a
persons mind and will see the victims behaviour change slowly but noticeably when its out of control,
especially by others who are close and on the outside looking in. There are times the abuse continues
and the victims show now outward signs to those who are close while the mental abuser witnesses the
dramatic and extreme behaviour change in a direct response to his/her mental abuse in the silent
treatment.
The silent treatment is a form of punishment and control and the person using it to harm another, feels a
lack of care, responsibility or remorse and can not or will not communicate as she/he watches the
victim slowly deteriorate. Someone who was once a lively, happy and fun person to be around turns
into a whole new personality and becomes withdrawn, reclusive or maybe verbally aggressive to the
abuser in a vain bid to stop the abuse of the mind. The person dishing out the silent treatment is
FULLY aware of the damage they are doing and they are FULLY aware that all they need to do to stop
the abuse is to simply talk to the victim. The abuser will not talk to the victim when in control mode
and when he does he will constantly lead the victim into a false sense of security at leisure, only to

ignore again. The abuser will provoke any situation with silence which inevitably triggers off the
victim who can never work out what has happened to warrant more silent treatment. Each time the
victim finds himself/herself fighting desperately with the abuser in a vain bid to stop her/him giving the
silent treatment all over again. Its a catch 22 for most when dealing with a narcissistic personality.
The victims behaviour can change so dramatically he/she is hardly recognized as being the same
person. Every time the silent treatment begins the victim is pulled further and further down and the
abuser sits back and carries on with daily chores, blatantly ignoring the victim whom is obviously so
distressed that no normal thinking individual person could or would sit back and watch such a shocking
display of suffering. The victim may withdraw completely, stop talking i.e. friends, stop socializing,
stop eating, start drinking, stop working, start text terrorism against the abuser as a defence mechanism
of protection but it never works, suicidal thoughts, self-harm and thats just a few of the side effects of
a victim suffering from mental abuse.
The silent treatment otherwise named as deliberate intent to ignore or ATCH which means
absent to cause harm which is where an abuser completely cuts the victim off and the abuser will not
budge. They often acknowledge in their own minds that the victim is suffering but do nothing about it,
walk away and simply ignore it.
The latter is a very dangerous form of mental abuse.
I have often heard stories of men ignoring their partner, even after causing such distress that she has
taken to self-harm or attempts to take her own life. The mental abuse has weakened her once strong
mind into a nerve wrecking display of self doubt and depression. The abuser will hear her calls of
desperation and he will empty himself of all emotions and walk away. He will show no emotions as she
tries to take her own life. He will convince himself that she deserves it for hurting his feelings by trying
to fight back.
Its not often friends get to witness the mental abuse of the systematic silent treatment or mind games
from a partner because it is silent. In some cases friends will witness erratic behaviour of the victim but
cant quite understand whats going on because the victim will blame everything but her abusive partner.
It is rare anyone on the outside of the relationship sees the suffering of the victim as the abuse often
like most forms of abuse stays within the immediate relationship. The male abusers friends will only
see their charming friend who they all love because he will do anything for them but seldom do his
friends or family witness what he is doing to his partner. They will only see the abusers partners
displays of distress especially when triggered in a public place or social gathering.
The silent treatment, ignoring or ATCH abuser is fully aware of their actions and fully aware they are
causing a significant amount of harm to the victim in most cases but there are those who do believe
they are the victim. The victim may at times have the odd outburst in front of others or in a public
place. The abuser will then inform his family of every little thing his victim/partner does as he seeks
refuge in their company and portrays himself as the victim in need of support, because he has a totally
maniac partner whose lost the plot. He is then seen as the wonderful soul who is good enough to
tolerate such a manic person in a relationship.
This form of mental abuse is used more often by the man than a woman but men do suffer this same
form of abuse and they too remain silent because they do not want to be seen as imasculine.
Eventually once the victim has been totally broken down by the mental abuser, she will give up
fighting back, beg for forgiveness and beg the abusive partner to forgive her. She may well go to the
extremes to try and make it up to her man because she has been slowly drawn in and is now under his
mind control. The man will continue to use this method of mind control and ignore, use the silent
treatment or ATCH tactics until his partner has been totally exhausted, feels totally helpless and it

opens her up to being controlled just so he can get what he wants. Sadly this form of abuse has seen the
deaths of women who self-harmed or taken their lives when their cries for help are ignored by the
abuser. It can be a consequence of the action.
Self-harm - deliberate cutting or mutilation of ones own body including ripping hair out, stop eating,
stop going out, withdraw from society, cut off hair, stay in bed, over eat or attempt suicide.
The reason I am touching on this subject is because I have seen a number of women email me on
facebook who are going through this right now with their Turkish partners or they have just left such an
abusive relationship and sit in silence blaming themselves. I also want to touch on this subject because
I am a survivor of child abuse and I myself have gone through the mental abuse process and contrary to
what people believe, it is not easy to leave such a controlling relationship.
Men who have been abused as children physically, sexually or mentally and/or suffered abuse by a
parent due to the damaging effects of poverty are well known for using the silent treatment, ignoring
and ATCH methods to punish and control their partners. These men will convince themselves they are
not abusing because they havent physically hit the woman and he will convince her hes very good to
her by not saying anything. He will almost always convince himself hes the victim and show no
remorse at all for the suffering he is causing by punishing and controlling someone he claims to love.
These men are often found unwilling to contribute to the relationship they are in and show little or no
care or respect for their partner . He expects her to hold the entire relationship together all by herself
whilst he laps up the comfort of control and does nothing to contribute or support the relationship. He
will not show emotions when challenged or he may eventually turn to violence when confronted.
Ignoring a partner may also be a sign of infidelity or a man who is not in control of his own emotions
and shuts down. Regardless of the circumstances, mental abuse and the negative power of the silent
treatment, being deliberately ignored or the ATCH abuse is never the less very damaging for those on
the receiving end and needs to be address by either the abuser entering therapy or for the victim to
leave the situation. If the man recognizes hes an abuser lhe can seek help from a professional help.
The victim must seek professional help to get out of such an abusive relationship before she is so worn
down it will diminish her life slowly but surely.
When does the silent abuse turn into physical abuse?
UPDATE
This article also relates to men who also suffer this form of abuse by their partners.
Related story
Oh how I tried, Oh how I cried until the day he broke me. Life with a sociopathic love rat

Comments
On 18th Jun 2012 at 12:33 PM lorraine said...
Abuse does come in many forms, some people recognize and admit to. some they deny. as you
said hands on is the most recognized form.. But i honestly believe in adult life mental abuse is
worse.
There have been many times in my life time, that i can honestly say i would rather of had a slap
in the face than to be treated with such disrespect, ignored, and left to feel down trodden.
I know we are all in control of our own lives and minds. yet some people have a knack of
coming in to our lives filling us with (what we believed at the time to be) love and hope for a
brighter future.

Once love has taken over, its powers become so strong it holds us to that person in such a
manner it feels impossible to walk away from..
we stand by them through thick and thin..the only problem with this kind of abuser is they never
really cared in the first place. so love to them means nothing.. its a no win trap for us.
They will make us feel useless,convince us we are unwanted by any other, tell us we are
damaged goods, yet the love we feel is the strongest drug on the planet, and hold us with in its
trap..
Like any drug escape seems impossible..
How much can we take ? when do we wake up and walk away ? what is it that pushes us to
fight back and leave ?
In my case it was my children..
I admit it took a a while. i was the one who was mentally abused, before it turned physical, and
for i while i even put up with that, staying silent, hiding the bruises.
Until the day he turned on my daughter.
I cant say for sure what happened but i can tell you the beast inside me came to the surface.
i changed from being the victim, to a strong mother in the blink of an eye.
i fought back with everything i had all the pent up fury he had left me with. i found the strength
to contact the police.
And he was removed.
that was only the first step. removing the abuser does not stop the abuse.
to them its a game they must win.
he contacted me, declaring his undying love for me. (false) sobs on the end of a phone line as he
told me how stupid he had been and how sorry he was. that it would never happen again..
And as i told him them. your right it wont come near me or my children again and if the
police dont get to you first. i will kill you.!
now 20 years later i am a very strong person. and my advice to anyone being abused in any way.
so leave while you still can..there is help out there. take the first step and contact a friend let
them know what is going on. the police will intervene if you ask for help.
On 21st May 2013 at 09:04 PM Tina said...
Mental abuse is worse than physical, with physical it seems the scars heal, and with mental
abuse the scars are on the inside and never heal. My ex was very abusive, mentally, he would
live downstairs refuse to acknowledge me, and he would then shove me against the wall if he
had to deal with anything. Everything I did was a problem, if he had to acknowledge me. The
silent abuse, became ugly words, and then mind games, making me think I was losing my mind,
so that he could leave me without guilt, and take the kids.
On 23rd May 2013 at 10:45 AM Emma said...
I am currently on day 16 of silent treatment. My fiance and I live 200 miles apart currently not sure if this makes it easier to deal with or harder. 16 days ago we had the most amazing,
romantic, happy long weekend together - planning our wedding, big tears from him when we
parted and declarations of everlasting love; but the following day, I was shut out. He is
incredibly cold, hostile, only talks about himself, wont speak to me on the phone, will only
communicate by text and gets sarcastic if I dont reply how he would like me to. Today, I have
sent him a text telling him that we are finished and asking him not to contact me again. As much
as it breaks my heart to do this, I know deep down that in the long-term, it is the easier option.
But my friends are very concerned that hell be back - Im not so sure.

 On 27th May 2013 at 10:31 PM Donna said...

Im going into the 4th week of the silent treatment from a co-worker. Im surviving because of
the most important help for everyone in any abusive situation - support from my friends.
People in any abusive relationship have to search deep inside themselves and find the strength
to reach out and tell someone who will understand what is going on and get help. Never ever
suffer in silence.
On 29th May 2013 at 08:04 AM Julia said...
I am again on the receiving end of the silent treatment, we split for around five months after I
had taken enough and I started dating again, only then did he want me back.undying love was
proclaimed, flowers, meals out, presents, time and love making until I agreed to move back in
with him and give everything up. Now I am a tart for dating others whilst we had broke up,
things have come to an ugly head once again after a night out with my friend (after I asked
permission) and it was deemed ok, now I never invited him to enjoy our night out and he is
angry we had a great time without him, I was pictured with an old male friend I had not seen
for 7 years and thought nothing of it, now I must be seeing him as Ive done it before(ie date
others when split up)Ive been told this picture has wounded him greatly as we looked so cosy
together on the snap. I had a very uncomfortable weekend as I could feel this coming, as his
mood swings began and he just slept a lot and conversation was hard and one sided, he called
me from work yesterday to ask what I was doing, he also has keylogger on my pc and
laptop/tablet so will be reading this too!!! reads all my private conversations and emails then
starts on me again when he doesnt like what he reads, the second phone call was to mention the
photo and how wounded he is by it and that we now have no future, yet again, as if I need to go
out with friends Im not happy with him. I have nowhere to go, no family and gave up my home
to move in here, im ill with worry yet again and my health suffers, I suffer from stress and my
stomach is the week area, it hurts so much today from worry. He has no empathy and sex is non
exsistant unless I go to him and offer myself, this also has to only be in a morning so he can
de stress before work for a few seconds.... apparently non of his exes had a problem with
this.....he is now sleeping downstairs, he has also slept in the car to be away from me. it is
never his fault, it is always my doing, I look to find companionship with anyone when Im
abused like this, then as he reads my private stuff and checks up on me constantly Im in
trouble again..its as if he pushes me into a corner, waits for my reaction then feels he was
right to abuse in the first place. crazy making behaviour is a very apt term, I was very out
going when I met him, thinner, happier, self sufficient, working.all of which have disappeared
but he thinks im just lazy now, he gets irrated if i use a computer game and says I must have a
problem as I use it too often, hates me social networking, obviously as i have male friends
which is totally unacceptable, I have even deleted alot to make him feel better!! but the abuse is
never ending, I always do something he feels the need to punish for...he refuses to accept any
blame, and im then punished further by relaying my thoughts to friends online as he sits at work
reading everything the next day, then the abuse heightens when he returns home as he has been
vindicated once again as ive verbally attacked him to my few and far between friends, Im now
cold toward him and he wonders why, he knows why deep down but I feel he never loved in the
first place as men like this are incapable of love. I would appreciate any comments, as Im so
low and dont really know what to do anymore, Ive no money, no job and no home, just living in
dead relationship in a house I cant afford alone, I need to move but cant without money or work.
Im suicidal at the minute, as Im backed into a corner with no way out, Ive done nothing wrong
but the lump in my throat and pain in my side is like ive committed some terrible crime, other
than try to enjoy my life, I had to leave work as my co workers seemed to enjoy sending me to

coventry also and bitched about me, im starting to wonder if I give off some vibe to be
abused? Im a people pleaser, I do anything for anyone, I think these terrible people seek you out
and enjoy hurting you Xx. ..... Xxx
On 29th May 2013 at 11:09 AM LIZ said...
So glad I found this article, having been a victim of this I have to say that for me the experience
was so much worse than the occasional physical abuse I experienced with a previous partner. In
my case the relationship ended when I reacted in all the ways described above, it really did
make me go crazy, the worst part for me has been that I never did find out for sure the reason he
decided to ignore me I have my suspicions about why but he never did come out and say
what it was so I never even got the chance to defend myself so hard to get over a relationship
like this.
On 7th Jun 2013 at 12:12 PM Alison said...
I recieved this treatment from my own mother. The longest period of silence was 2 weeks. The
longest two weeks of my life. I just wanted to die. The damage she left behind is immense, and
still with me today, even though she is dead.
On 9th Jun 2013 at 12:14 PM Jenna said...
I have just divorced my husband of 10 years because of his repeated use of the silent treatment.
I was in a toxic relationship with him, and usually every week he would pick a fight with me
over something small and then give me the silent treatment for days. I used to fight back and
beg him to talk to me. Then, I started going to my moms to get away. When I started doing
this every Friday night, I noticed there was a sad pattern here to my marriage. Also, in my
absence from the house, he began using verbal abuse and sending me harassing text messages.
Finally, one day, I had enough. I filed for divorce. We tried one counseling session, but he told
the counselor that he didnt have a problem but that I was a nag. I decided I wasnt willing to
wait around to work this outlife is too short and precious! I am very sad to lose the dream of
happily ever after, but I am now free of his mind games and I live in peace.
On 14th Aug 2013 at 06:36 AM Adelle Richard said...
I receive this treatment from my dearest boyfriend, I am emotionally abuse by him. Emotional
and mental abuse is worse than a physical abuse, the scars made by physical can heal but the
scars made by emotional and mental abuse never heal.I experience being ignored. One day, one
of my friend held her birthday party, so everyone of us go with our partners. I noticed that he
keep calling a girls name but the girl kept ignoring him i was amaze, he left and run away
chasing that girl. i was hurt and felt worthless. that time, i am not really in the mood to go their
what i want is to go home and sleep but i chose to go then, I saw him walking with that girl. i
get his hand and suddenly I was shut out, I just want to cry. Im so glad that i found this article
and post my own comment.
On 15th Aug 2013 at 12:12 PM Laserbella said...
I realy thankful to you because your blog is most informative about the Silent abuse
On 16th Aug 2013 at 03:41 PM Ali said...
Im in my early forties and my significant other is 50. Ive dated him for over 4 years and he
pulls the silent treatment with me too. He is so good at projecting and trying to make me think
Im crazy and have issues. I do suffer from anxiety but I wonder why? Sadly, I went to open up
an attachment to fill a form and his email outlook opened. I saw an exchange of emails between

he and this so called friend. Turns out she is a model and now moving into our area and working
at a night club. Pretty soon they are making plans to bump into one another. He sends me
mixed signals all the time. Before he left for his business trip, he had forgotten his phone and he
came into the bedroom and kissed me so passionately and wouldnt let me go. He also had said,
I miss you already!
Im sick and I cant cope. He has not talked to me since Monday night because I had asked him
if he is in this because we will be seeing a couples therapist. He told me he will see Dr. Lori but
he was giving up before we even started. He then drifted the conversation into dangerous areas.
I was trying to remain on the positive side. But he kept getting really angry with me. That was
the day I had found the email.
Im in shock and dont know how to handle this sort of pain. I dont know how to move forward
as a piece of my heart was ripped out of me. damn him
On 16th Aug 2013 at 10:28 PM Aide said...
I too have gone through the silent abuse treatment. I was always apologizing trying to make
sense of everything but after reading so much on silence abuse has confirmed everything I was
feeling. I thought I was going crazy, I cant understand how someone who said they loved me
could intentionally do this to me. Reading everything I could find in silence abuse has only
empowered to no longer allow this person to continue to abuse me. Leaving him to his own
devices and excluding myself from his abuse. Thank you for this web sight it has really been
helpful. Its put things into perspective for me.
On 17th Aug 2013 at 12:44 PM Suzie said...
I cannot believe what I have just read. Where to start? You have just written about my husband
of 39 years. I used to be so outgoing, loads of friends, confident. Now? A mess.
It is difficult to have friends anymore because I get so terribly distressed by the silent treatment
which can last between days and weeks at a time and I retreat increasingly from the world. I
cannot ask anyone round because I never know what sort of mood he will be in. I, too, walk on
eggshells every single day waiting to see if he is actually talking to me or not. I search my mind
for things I have said or done which have caused it. I am permanently on antidepressants just to
cope with living with him. I have attempted suicide seriously twice. And you are right. He
doesnt care. No emotion whatsoever. I do not know how I am still here because once I was
unconscious for 2 days following a massive overdose and he didnt call a doctor, just left me. I
still wish I had died but my children were devastated. He does tell me I am mad, maybe I am
these days? Or maybe just mad for staying.
I have talked to a solicitor about separation/divorce twice and then he starts being lovely and
funny and kind to me again; then I stop proceedings. Actually I am frightened to be on my own
because he controls everything from bills to shopping. Although I have always worked and
raised the children, he is the one with the pension pot and yes, I know I would be entitled to half
of that plus half the house and savings, but I am 61 and know I would never be able to get a job
and have no idea whether I would have enough income to live on once everything is divided in
half. He will not discuss with me what pension and savings we have.
He hasnt wanted me physically since I was 41; funnily enough a lot of other men did (and no, I
didnt ever have an affair and I dont believe he has either). Following a serious accident 14
years ago when I had to care for him for about 5 years, he has been unbearable. There was a
head injury involved and it exacerbated a bad situation. If I try to talk about things he gets up
and walks out the room. Whatever I buy for the house (he will never come out and chose things

with me), I have to take back; I guess because he doesnt like whatever it is, but I would be
guessing because the silent treatment starts again and I have no idea.
He has a drinking problem (in that he cannot go a day without drinking). He tells me it is his
only pleasure in life. If I complain that the amounts go up too much from the normal (beers
followed by a bottle of wine), the silent treatment starts, walking out of rooms if I walk in, etc.
I do hate the alcohol dependency but I wouldnt mind if he drank himself to death, but its the
money he is throwing down his throat every day!
But .. I thank you for this article. I have never read anything like it before and it has made me
realise so many things. Most of all, what a fool to have stayed all these years and waste my
life. I just wish I had the courage to spend my remaining years on my own.
I am sorry this is so jumbled.
On 21st Aug 2013 at 07:13 AM Live streaming News said...
You made some good points there. I believe most people will concur with your site.
On 21st Aug 2013 at 10:18 PM Hope Atkinson said...
I suffered from pnd when i gave to my son and my ex mental abused me. Took me away from
all my family. Now he has my son and social services are involved am at court tomrow to try to
prove my ex made me ill amd he took my son. Really wish women dont go through what i am
xxx
On 23rd Aug 2013 at 12:51 AM Claire said...
I hate the silent treatment. My sisters boyfriend does that to her a lot and she always come to
me for help. I forwarded her this article, maybe it will help.
On 24th Aug 2013 at 12:59 PM Helen said...
My mother used to do it to me regularly - it was damaging and hurt dreadfully - and I did do my
best to appease her as you described in your writing- but grew up in my teens as a rebellious
teenager. As a result my mum and I had a very difficult relationship most of the time she was
alive - only making up towards the end. The down side is it opened me up to other abusive
relationships.
The positive side is it helped me to develop better coping strategies, limitless patience, tolerance
and to appreciate silence, how to find peace. I became a better observer and gained deeper
insight.
Finally, after years of counselling I have just been discharged from my Psychologist - as a much
better person and communicator!
On 29th Aug 2013 at 06:38 AM Mack said...
I am a man that is in a physically abusive relationship with my female partner. She hits me
whenever she gets too upset about something. Now tell me, society says i cant hit a woman and
i dont, so when i get physically,emotionally and verbally abused, i just shut my mouth. And if i
have to keep to myself for a week i would, do i keep silent to punish her,no, just processing the
whole situation and trying to get over it. Society needs to recognize that a lot of men are
suffering in silence, while women cry about being abused, even when they are the abusers.
Spare me the BS.
On 30th Aug 2013 at 05:40 PM G said...

I am a man and I have suffered the exact, almost to the word!! on this kind of abuse. Im no
longer in the relationship after it having repeats of us getting back together. I woul be lead into
the false sense of security of having her back and us moving on then she would do it again first
it seemed like once a month then it became more frequent 2 weekl then weekly, always with the
affirmation she only wanted to be with me and it was forever. Always doing the cold withdrawal
and ignoring me then even times where she would just get on with chores and things as if I
wasnt there and I was clearly distressed continuous silence and ignoring me. The last and final
time we got back together she did it right in the middle of making love just stopped for up left
the room came back and silence and ignored me. I have only recently stopped messaging her I
always thought we would get back together again. It is only now I have realised when she has
told me she has taken my messages to the police and filling a harrasment charge against me. She
always made out I was the problem she always dented her behaviour and never apologised. She
would arrange to do things with me then let me down last minute another building of hopes to
crush them. I always wanted to work things out we even went to counselling but she gave up
because she made me out to be the problem but the counsellor explored things with her also
once it got to in depth with her she stopped it and said it wasnt working because wed had a
couple I rows after that she instigated. I continued going on my own thinking I was still the
problem. Through the counselling It confirmed my emotional reactions were natural to this kind
of treatment when I was involved emotionally with her. I am now faced with the possibility of a
criminal record because of this kind of abuse and the my ex girlfriend turning it round to make
me look bad again. My reactions to her treatment towards me was always used to make me feel
bad. She ground and ground me down. I struggle at work.. I messaged her to tell her I loved her
and that she should seek help to work our why she does it, to stop doing it. I wanted her to
communicate with me listen and acknowledge her behaviour and her responsibility to it. I
wanted her to realise and say sorry and learn something. I think they call it crazy making. That
is how I feel i cant understand why someone would treat someone like that and I want her to
realise how harmful it has been and to feel something some kind of remorse and have some kind
of compassion towards me and empathy and understanding of how it made me behave. She
blamed me for everything. I gave everything and she expected everything. I got nothing I really
needed in the relationship. What makes her do it why couldnt she see and stop? Why doesnt
she have genuine feelings. I worry what she has actually been through to have to be like this.
Ive written this to free myself of it to tell the world to release my frustration and suffering of
almost being trapped and tricked into loving someone for it to actually destroy apart of me and
my belief in people. What is this need to be loved yet not want to give it back to someone.
On 31st Aug 2013 at 06:54 PM Graham said...
Im a Man & my recent ex girlfriend used this exact treatment on me. Shutting down and cold
heart, It was repeated time again. Once I moved in. Initially on monthly intervals then two
weekly then every week over a period of 6 months after I had moved in. She would lead me in
to a false sense of security then suddenly shut down close off and use the silent treatment
ignoring when I expressed upset and confusion, or confronted anything, her silence then
continued not acknowledging me or any empathy or understanding to my shock or it even felt
like my existence. She would stay silent continuing with chores as if I wasnt even there. I
would get upset first then anxious then angry. As soon as I got angry that was when she started
putting me down calling me abusive and a physcopath. Always saying I had a problem. I
suggested counselling because I wanted it to stop I wanted the issue to be resolved, I loved her,
we did this together as I took what she said that I was the problem literally probably because of
the amount of times shed ground me down & told me. During the sessions it was explained the
stages of abandonment we all are programmed with for survival initially starts with being upset,

then progresses to anxiety then eventually anger. Once the counselling got to in depth and
became about how we both communicated and it was not just about me and me being the
problem. We had arguments afterwards and she soon quickly said the counselling wasnt
working. It then had to stop. It happened again and once more it was me who had the problem. I
actually left her through frustration, because even after the counsellor said if my girlfriend
acknowled the upset in the initial stages and responding with loving and caring responses then it
would not progress to anything. In the counsellors words my upset was a request or need for
some love and understanding. I left &lived; with my parents and because she still said I was the
problem I started to go on to counselling on my own. It was through the counselling I realised
my reactions were natural to the behaviour I was being subjected to. I came back to her on the
condition we would make it work. After two weeks she said she loved me I was what she
wanted and it to be forever. I would be lead into false security then she would literally turn. My
reactions almost became predictable this time pushed to a different level, as I let her have her
silence and didnt react, her silence lasted 4 days, then when she finally spoke it was something
totally irrelevant to what I thought shed fallen out with me about. She hounded me saying I
couldnt be trusted & put me down, she got the reaction she wanted eventually. I couldnt
believe it was happening again and she still did it. I would be upset and question why do you do
this. Silence and nothing! I would persist wanting to know what made her do it? I couldnt
understand her motivations. She never took responsibility or apologised or saw how she
behaved caused the issue. It was always blamed on me and me being insecure. The counselling
helped me regain some belief in myself and I stood up to her more and explained how what she
did caused the reactions she got from me. Total denial from her that she did anything. This was
when we kept splitting up then getting back together she would lead me into false sense of
security again, tell me she only wanted me and it was forever. Again doing the same thing. She
never took responsibility for her actions or accepted they would have consequences. The last
and final time she did it was right in the middle of sex she reacted suddenly stopped and left the
room saying nothing then returned and was silent. Ignoring my shock ignoring my confusion
ignoring what I questioned I did wrong. Again upset, what did I do? Why? nothing from her, I
then was anxious, what did I do? Why? nothing from her, this was it she ended the
relationship this time. Even in counselling she was made aware of the stages of abandonment
and how any person reacts to a loved one who is no longer there, which is exactly what it is like
when you are ignored not responded to and get no warmth or emotional response.
She had already started the technique of not replying to texts for hours, but when ever i was
with her always replying to messages she received. She would ignore calls, we live in a world
where people live with their phones by their side. This was another gradual thing, she never
behaved like this before I committed to her and rented my house out and sold my furniture to
live with her. It was like a switch as soon as I was in her house, in what she could of only
thought was her clasp, it began and worsened. As soon as I was In any vulnerable position she
used it against me. Since the last time we split I have obviously been messaging her and telling
her I love her and sorry for what I did, asking what I did, still thinking I was the problem also
still thinking we would patch things up again like we did, and it would be back together forever,
I thought she would realise what she does, I even suggested she seek help counselling to over
come it or even at least work out & understand why she does it. I had already got used to her not
replying. I have now been told she has informed the police and will be placing a harassment
charge against me. Another thing making me out to be bad to put me down to hurt to basically
for me to take all the responsibility. I have heard this type of abuse is also known as Crazy
making. Im not crazy I was genuine and believed that what she said with trust and as her
word. It is clear that her actions contradict all of this and there is no sign of compassion,
warmth, respect, understanding, empathy or any basic responses to love. I do not understand

why anyone would live their life, waste their time without any good intentions and genuine,
authentic or reality, truth in what they say or do. My only way of getting round what Ive been
through is to think she must of been through some seriously bad experiences to need this control
to ease her fear and increase her self esteem. I can only say now, its her problem and I need to
stop caring. But I cant help wanting to tell her to go and deal with it stop this really bad
destructive approach to life. Happiness is not created by this sort of behaviour, if you are the
abuser or the abused. There is no way they can be genuinely happy to have to do that! I
fortunately can live with myself, and I know I will peacefully be doing that for a long time. I
have peace in myself and know my negative reactions were in defence to an emotional situation
with someone who i was emotionally involved with and it was natural survival intuitive
responses to abandonment. Instinct is telling you something. I knew this which is why I
suggested counselling together. If a relationship is right there is no need for this behaviour.
Respect, love, trust & empathy, compassion & understanding breeds enjoyment. Life is to short
to be controlled by anyone. Nothing is more valuable than freedom & independence. With a
centred person you can have all the positive things and experiences. My focus Is on positive
people in my life and my two sons & time alone to centre. Kindness by some people is seen as a
weakness. I know it is a strength some people will never have. Anybody reading this should
recognise their strength and realise that some people do not deserve your kindness find people
that will respect it. Some people cannot be helped, they need to help themselves. Until they
admit they have a problem they never will. It is like an addiction to them. Like any addiction it
needs to be acknowledged as a problem before it can be healed. I wish everyone luck & love
who read this article they obviously have been searching for peace & understanding and want
an answer to it. Trust what your instinct is telling you. We fight for survival. If you are finding
yourself always compromising always backing down always apologising you are not in a
mutual loving relationship with respect. If you feel alone why not be alone. There are always
more people in this world and many forms of support who want to help and can help you get
over something like this. Start living your life. Dont live a life controlled by another. Be proud
of what you did for that person for love dont regret it. Value your strengths and your kindness.
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On 4th Sep 2013 at 10:16 PM Philomena said...
Im nearly into my 9th week of silent treatment over nothing. My husband says when I ask when hes
going to talk to me again - I am the bully - me! Just two of us in the house. This has not happened for a
long while. There is an element of control always but when hes in good form hes fine. Have no
family for support. I hate telling people so I just say he has depression. Cant cope Im just a mess.
Today Im calm but when alone I will have a cry again.
On 6th Sep 2013 at 04:52 AM Terese said...
I thank everyone who has been honest enough and brave enough to tell their story. You have
strengthened me.
My husband has been giving me the silent treatment for a bit over a year now. It is the most
devastating experience I have ever had. We have been married for 28 years and, at one time, this man
was so precious to me. I am now counting the days until I can file for divorce.
I have learned from sites like this that his shunning me, sleeping apart, looking right through me, etc. is
CALCULATED SADISM. He treats me so meanly and says, Im merely staying away. Like he is,
innocently, just trying to cope. Like most, I have begged, bargained, talked analytically, tried to be
cheery, and threw fits of screaming; ANYTHING to break this silent barrier. I have become the

official crazy person with my desperate pleading. Lately I have caught a look of hatred in his eyes that
gives me chills.
It is a very sad lesson to think that a man I wanted to die with is now killing me. Not only am I
emotionally shattered but I fear I could become seriously physically sick. I must remind myself that
love, real love, does not freeze up like this. I need to face the ugly facts about his character. And then
run!
Heres my one question? HAS ANYONE EVER WHEN THROUGH THE HELL OF THE SILENT
TREATMENT THEN HAD THEIR MATE SNAP OUT OF IT AND RETURN TO THEIR OLD
LOVING SELVES? I know Im looking for a reason to hang on.
I appreciate everyones truth and courage.
On 17th Sep 2013 at 02:31 PM Duane B said...
I see women commenting about being abused by men here but what I find most interesting is that
women are the ones who use this the most. Maybe its because Im more outspoken then most men on
my feelings, I have come across several women, especially my ex who used this method against me.
She would shut down as stated above for days at a time thinking she was avoiding a,discussion that was
needed. But nope I was right there.
Ultimately our relationship ended because of this lack of communication
On 18th Sep 2013 at 09:09 AM jenny thomas said...
Youve made some really good points there. I checked on the internet for additional information about
the issue and found most individuals will go along with your views on this website.
On 19th Sep 2013 at 09:38 AM Belinda king said...
I am so pleased I came across this site as I thought I was going mad ...my partner started giving me the
silent treatment when I woke up and resized what he was trying to do to me . I made the mistake of
giving him what he wants and listening to his needs over mine ....
On 22nd Sep 2013 at 02:40 PM Long suffering victim said...
I am a victim of mental abuse my Mother has always used this she is very wicked for doing so I have
health issues now I am in my 40s. The reason I put up with it for so long was because I idolised her but
she was cruel and ignored and had her favourites I have recently woken up and shes not stopping with
it even trying to get me to feel I was a bad mother when I have always put my children first. She tries to
make my youngest son whom she sees has hers think I didnt love him enough.
On 23rd Sep 2013 at 12:21 AM Aide said...
Hello, I have been a victim of silent abuse for 8 years and I have been proactive in trying to find out
why the abuser does this.
Recently, after searched the Internet trying to get answers on how to cope, deal and try to understand
why my partner behaves in this manner and after dealing with the behavior for so long and being left at
a lost each and every single time this happened, I was left angry each time I couldnt understand why
the man that claimed to love me so much do this to me, I told him how he made me feel and what he
put me through each time but he never listen he would just ignore me more, so I started started sending
him emails of all that I read about the silent treatment, I also text him bits and pieces of paragraphs I
read. It was like if I was reading a story of my life and the behavior I had been dealing with. I am not
advising anyone to do this I am only stating my experience, after sending him pages of silent abuse
treatment and how it affects both of us, I believe he has read it and is making an effort to change. He
has not continue to carry on in that horrible manner things are improving daily, things are not perfect

but they are getting better, I dont think he realize the affect that he was having n me until re read the
different articles I sent him.
On 24th Sep 2013 at 01:53 PM Ira said...
My husband does this to me every time he is upset with me. I have never had anyone in my life who
said they love me and then make me suffer so much. I asked him to stop so many times, but I know
now he will not, ever.so I am leaving 7 years marriage in order to survive. Its just so sad that there is
monsters like this out there, I used to love him and thought I am lucky, he broke me mental, I am no
longer fun happy woman, I drink too much, I aged and I cry more then he ever know
On 24th Sep 2013 at 06:05 PM Ali said...
Well, with all his silent emotional abuse and his demons, he cheated on me. Such a selfish man to allow
me to think I was crazy and wrong. He gaslighted me and made me think I was the one with the
problems. He doesnt like to problems. He thinks everything should be honky dory living in some
fantasy land. God forbid, I bring to his attention that I am not cool with something. Now, because of his
crap, he caused so much pain but in light of it all, hes now faced with his demons.
On 24th Sep 2013 at 10:23 PM Johnny D said...
What a great piece ! I am a man and have experienced this almost exactly, over a 2-year period, and it
had all those effects, even the worst ones. I only recently ended it after having a lot of time away during
a separation. She reared the ugly abusive head again during an argument, and the light went on for me.
I resolved, No more. Since I made that decision, I am already much happier and coming more and
more back to life, unafraid to be myself.
Predictably, I can not even get her to respond to me about the issue of divorce, to discuss it at all. The
silent treatment ! I decided its better to just file. The ignoring is just me giving her more control, and
she is no longer entitled to ANY over me.
On 25th Sep 2013 at 01:05 AM Banny said...
This is classic. I kept blaming myself for starting a fight and thought we could work it out. He went
silent on me and said he needed time. Time? You talk and work it out. Eventually I texted and called
but he never responded and when he did it was cold. I emailed saying I was sorry for whatever I did but
still silent. You cant love someone and then treat them like they dont exist. Im heartbroken and now
on antidepressants but I realize that the reason this relationship hurt the most was because he was
emotionally abusive. He didnt like it when I went out without him and he didnt like it when my guy
friends msged me. It was all signs I didnt pick up until the end. I thought he was just jealous. It was
about control Of my time, my friends and who I talked to. This article opened my eyes. Im not the
bad person he made me believe I am. I can love and deserve to be loved. Watch out for the guys who
can pretend to love you and do all the right things but when it doesnt go their way, they turn on.
Lesson learned.
On 26th Sep 2013 at 01:36 AM jacqui said...
I have been with my husband for 18 years and have suffered this form of abuse over and over again.
Today, I finally took control back of my own life and decided I need to breathe pure air instead of the
stench filled shite that he pollutes my environment with.
It is incredibly hard to break free of this type of abuse because they also give just enough for you to
believe they will change, yet they never will and never intend to. Its all a ploy to keep you dangling
because they cant bare to be alone - who would they victimise if you werent there? How else can
they feel good about themselves if they have no-one else to put down?

Their only aim in life is to have absolute control over their victim. By their very nature they are
parasitic, sucking the life out of a partner, while appearing to be the perfect gent in public. Even my
own family thought he was Mr. Wonderful, perhaps because I never told them my problems in my
marriage, I was too embarrassed by the constant rounds of silent abuse and made excuses as to why we
had to cancel dinner dates and events.
He has tried, almost successfully to convince them I am a nutcase, but he didnt allow for the fact that I,
unlike him, have a very close family who saw through him in the end.
I only wish I had the knowledge I have now much sooner, it would have saved me so much heart ache
and grief and I would not have wasted the best years of my life on a leech.
On 26th Sep 2013 at 05:57 PM K said...
About a year ago, I broke up with my ex. It was a complicated situation and at the time, I believed that
I was truly going crazy. I have a very strong willpower and understanding of myself, and if not for that
I think I would have been truly lost. Its hard to explain to others what is happening, and its even
harder when people I thought were friends called me a crazy ex because of what he said to them about
me. My reaction to this mental abuse was exactly as described here, and he used my reactions against
me to tear down my confidence and positive mentality. I began feeling that I was worthless, not good
enough for him or anyone else, and that I was a crazy person who was unfit for a relationship. Later, I
realized that the problem wasnt me no matter how much he claimed it was true. It was very difficult to
come to that realisation, and when I finally broke it off, I was devastated. The past year has been very
hard because I still loved him and he exploited that to hurt me, blaming me for ruining our relationship
and his life. I found out from his long-term gf before me had the exact same problems with him, and is
still trying to recover years later. I dont know what he is doing now, we havent spoken in a long time,
but I know he has been seeing another girl and I hope that she will do whatever she can to protect
herself and get out before its too late.
On 28th Sep 2013 at 11:45 PM Sorrycanttell said...
i was in this situation for so long and suddely the other person the abuser (I dont like to call her this
way because it makes me the victim which I dont like to label myself as), just replaced me for another
person, after giving me a lot of hopes that I would always be the one, and insinuating that as long as i
waited long enough she would come back, by saying stuff like good bye my everything, you are
that person. This situation is so sick because i can tell you what happened next, I went on like a crazy
person, thinking that I had lost everything I had, I called her 3 months later and she told me she couldnt
talk to me and turned the situation around as if I was the guilty one again. She said that her new
boyfriend was totally mad because I called, although for 3 years and a half i had done everything for
this woman, and for those 3 months I had only talked to her once in the hope that she would finally
explain everything and tell me that I didnt have a chance anymore. she even told me she wasent sure
about her feelings about the other guy.
Anyhow, long story short. It made me feel, for a whole year, that I was worth nothing, because this
person turned me down like an old peace of cloth that didnt fit anymore, and because I had put all me
self-value in fulfilling her needs, in my mind, her turning me down was like being worth nothing. One
year later I tryed again, like an obsessed person i tryed to be friends. Not because I intimately wanted
her back because sincerely I couldnt imagine that anymore, but because i desperatly needed that person
in my life, it just didnt make sense that someone would just disappear out of nothing, like as if she had
been sucked into a black whole, after having been everything to me for 3 years. I made the huge
mistake of writing a big text, telling her about all that I felt about this situation, exposing myself again.
And there it was again, 3 simple lines, saying the minimum possible and with the giant capacity of

making me feel the totally wrong one again. She even said we cant be friends, although the guy
doesnt mind, i dont want to put him in a bad situation, but sometime we can go drink a coffee so you
can see how well im doing with him, i.e. she wrote this in such a way as if she was the sweetest one
again, and I was the evil creature who was atempting to do harm, but the worst, she didnt SAY it, there
you have it, silent treatment, she just made me feel that way. Its so hard to imagine that ive gotten into
such a mindf* because, like your text says, I was a really fulfilled person before I met her, I had a lot of
friends and a great social life. I realize that I must have had some susceptibility in order not to
recognize all this, but its reaaaally tricky, I tell you, this silent treatment plays with you on a level that
you just cant influence, especially when you are a person susceptible to feel guilty fast. When I look
back now I realize that she used silenttreatment from early on, like, after a discussion where she didnt
say much, not saying anything for 3 days. Making me feel that i had hurt her a lot. I would spend a
horrible time at home thinking she was feeling sad, while probably she was just having fun as usual.
After those 3 days she would send the sweatest apology after I talked to her, making her look like and
angel. Ah, this was also very common, she ould always say that she was just going to talk to me, like
for example: on wendnesday i planned to go visit you but you count wait long enough again. This time
I waited for a year and a half and not a single text came. After all this I felt that I have no value
whatsoever, this is what i FELT, not what i knew, and again, I hate the victim thing, and I dont like to
think of myself as such, im just sharing this for other people in this situation. I noticed that I had the
tendency to do a lot of things under my worth, that I wouldnt have done before, i was somehow drawn
to it, like it was the things i deserved/that suited me, Im really working on this though. Ive become a
much stronger person since all of this started and its gotten a lot better. Reading all this made me
realize for the first time that what happened to me has a name, and is not something i cant grab/cant
see/that it is nothing/that i had nothing to complain about. Just a litte word about the worst thing she
has done: Once she called me and told me she was going to kill herself and just turned of the phone. I
spent the worst half an hour of my lie, drowned in agony and guilt. Thinking that she was really going
to do it and that I couldnt do anything about it. I had nightmares. It was really a living hell. and she
always made me feel that she liked me more than anyone in the world. she either faked very well or she
has a serious problem. As you said, she had some issues in her childhood, but I dont know, a lot of
people have those problems, some turn out to be the guilty-feeling ones, I guess that it also comes
with the person. In order to be a silent treater you need to have the capacity of knowing how the other
person feels and still not doing anything about it.I guess that my tendency is to imediatly and
sometimes unecessary warning people of all sorts of things just so they dont get hurt be something, i.e.
the opposite. Maybe because i am like this I assumed she would be aswell. Or maybe she didnt know
what it was provoking in me and thought i didnt care that much and was a faker like her. She would
make me feel guilty about friends i had, things i liked, something i had done in the past, just by saying
nothing at all.
To sum up, silent treatment is horrible, you cant call it one of the worst abuses because you cant grab it,
but it tears you appart on the inside, it makes you go against your deepst friend, your own self, it makes
you doubt about stuff you always were sure about. I wish you all the luck not to get in this situation,
and by reading all this and other posts, I hope that being more aware of it helps.
On 29th Sep 2013 at 03:50 PM Cathy said...
This article has awakened me to understand what a friend of mine is going through. I really wish I had
the knowledge of this abuse earlier so that I could help my friend instead of taking sides with the real
abuser. I supported the abuser thinking that he was the victim while they split up. I spent the rest of the
year feeling so bad that they got back together and that he was in this bad relationship. I alienated my
friend when she needed me most. I still talk to my friend but she doesnt have trust in me now. Im so
sad that I fell for this behavior. I can now try to continue to let her know that Im here unconditionally
and will not abandon her again. I told her that, lets hope it will eventually help her.

 On 30th Sep 2013 at 03:07 AM Matt said...

Well. Interesting subject on this site. I am a man married to a silent treatment expert; so I presently
believe. Like most men, we keep quiet on the subject of abuse from our spouses.
To keep it simple, I have never understood why anyone may need quiet time beyond 30-60 minutes to
take time to think about a discussion situation. It amazes me that the abuser can (at their will) turn a
pause into several days and is used as a silent treatment. It is like they want to stop the discussion.
They freeze every attempt to be close, intimate, and learn more about their partner - just to control the
relationship rather than be vulnerable and grow it by discussion.
I read many of the responses before this writing. I was described previously as: outgoing, good
socializer, great networker, and so forth years ago. Now I have become too focused on pleasing the
doer of the Silent Treatments to keep her happy.
I have been through this for 12 yrs. As soon as I recover from the negative financial affects this
relationship has had on me, I will smoothly and gently exit.
On 2nd Oct 2013 at 10:13 AM Ingrid Mason said...
My sister and her husband have been doing this to my elderly parents for close to ten years. When my
fatherwhom they claimed to adorewas dying, they kept the silent treatment up.
When he died, they showed up at the funeral and clamored for attention. People were nice to them.
And then, when everyone but immediate family was gone, they caused a hideous scene. Since that day,
they have not spoken to my mother or anyone else.
Ironically, my mother is guilty of this type of abuse herself. She phones me and my brother every day.
It has been that way for decades. If one of us says anything she does not likeit can be ridiculously
minorthe silent treatment starts, and she will not phone for days, or in one case, weeks. It is upsetting
and abusive. And I hate it. Sometimes, she will do it if she is angry because she believes you were
home and did not pick up the phone during her third or fourth call of the day.
On 4th Oct 2013 at 11:00 AM broken girl said...
I felt this whole article was written about me. I have been trying to search up abuse articles that relate
to my situation and I couldnt find any until I stumbled upon this one. This describes my whole
relationship with him to a T. I suffered both mental and physical ab use and attempted suicidebecause I
couldnt take it anymore. I am still suffering the affects of leaving him today. He has played mind
games and continued to do so after I left, giving me that false sense of hope. Him knowing how much I
loved him, used it to his advantage, it feels like he enjoys torturing me, Im like his puppet. He has
made me look crazy to everyone and Im pretty broken. But this article has reassured me that it wasnt
my fault, something I questioned many times. Thank you, thank you bless x
On 5th Oct 2013 at 10:44 AM sandy said...
I to am in a relationship were silent abuse is a weekly event. I have only been in the relationship for
two years but he goes from sweet to omg in seconds and I thought he was cheating still think he is to
realizing that does not matter. its the abuse and what its doing to me that matters but I dont know how
to get away he has in trapped me he controls me I do nothing that I enjoy any more I am having bad
thoughts all the time of self harm but he dosnt care, I think it would make him get the attention and
pitty he is wanting signed help me god in heaven
On 6th Oct 2013 at 03:20 AM Babygirl said...
I wanted to find out, if it was me, or if it is him. I never know when the silent treatment is coming, or
how long it last. I am fighting my tears as I write this. I am so tired.

I came over from another country, and he said he wanted to marry. I started out as his fiance, but after
an episode he introduced me as a friend, and slowly went to girlfriend.
If I say or do something, (buying something he do not like, with my own money), silent treatment. Or if
we are out, never talk to me. Or say something that make me feel like shit.(sorry).
I am so tired. And I do not know how to do this anymore. I used to be this happy, funny person,
laughing at anything and nothing. But he, and his sister, has ruined that. I do not talk much anymore. I
do not laugh much. It has been years since I had that wonderful stomackaching laughter.
I will not let him control me, and he know that. He always say he is a grown ass man, he does what he
want. And he do.
I love him, but I have found that I am also scared of him. Scared he will say something if I do not do
this or that. I hate it. And at the same time, I love him.
Oh, he gives complimentslolto everyone else. And laugh and show this happy face. He fit
everything said here. And it scare me!
But, how can one leave someone one love.
I have told him he should hit me, instead of being silent. I would take that better. I mean, I have been in
a relationship where he beat me, but at least he talked. This man do not talk. He also have told me he do
not want to talk to your sorry ass. That hurt.
So we do not talk about me or my family, my kids etc. Only about what he wanna talk about.
On 6th Oct 2013 at 03:15 PM Hurt said...
This sounds like me . Really I never consider his silent treatment as abuse because this just started
happening to me. I left 9 days ago . Mostly because of his adult child using us. I thought we could date
while at a distance . Well thats not happening .Now I am going nuts because I became the nothing to
my Man. Before this I was his everything . Since then hes ignored me and I am coming unhinged. In 9
days I have eaten very little. I went 4 days without food, ate and am not eating again. Yep I am drinking
wine at night. Ive become reclusive . Go on an endless search to help me understand what went
wrong . His excuse is he needs time and does not want to talk . So Im left dangling with am I in or am
I out. Its either one or the other . All this over his Son moving in with no clear plan, goals, etc. it makes
it worse cause hes the Dad and doesnt want to acknowledge his their controlling ways. Its like I have
two silent abusers . Emotions run deep with father and Son and Im the one in the hurt zone.
On 10th Oct 2013 at 06:15 PM AJ said...
I have come to realize that people that play these mind games are very weak-minded and scared deep
down. They hide behind these cruel tactics and behaviors because they dont have true strength,
integrity or honesty to face themselves in the mirror and do the real work. They want to give the
impression of being in control and power yet hide behind fists, hurtful words and silence. Who is
really the stronger one? Most times, the victim at the beginning, until and unless they allow the
madness to continue. It takes a strong person to try and hang in there, but 9/10 times this is a waste of
time. It takes an even stronger person to walk away. Dont let them convince you youre crazy or
weak or _______________! You deserve better and not this soulless, life-sucking treatment. Once you
are weaker than them, its all over! I had the worst fights with my ex precisely because I knew it was
wrong in how he was treating me and it was that standing up for myself and stating truths he didnt
want to hear or couldnt deal with that would mess him up and come back nastier or shut me down.
Some of them are so used to their protective mechanisms and cant change. Mine would try and listen
at times and would be better, but he always gravitated back. I believe deep down they loved/love us,
and maybe they loved us for the qualities we have, like a big heart and strength, which ironically those

very traits they would break down. My ex wasnt that horrible of a person but he had way too many
problems deep down that in the end he either felt too helpless to change or God knows what, but I
couldnt allow him to devastate my soul, I felt so stuck because I cared for him a lot and hated myself
for continuously get sucked back in when I knew better! But I was hoping he would change, an
underlying reason that ran deep from my childhood, hoping it could be different than the hell I went
thru with my dad, yes! We can change those dynamics! NOT! And knowing all this, still I was
trying!! Sometimes its not good to be too strong, coz you can go on wayyyyyy too long, right? But
no mas!! I know I deserve better and the loving and caring towards myself just one day at a time will
help me weed out the undesirables from the real deal!! Do not let their sickness contaminate your soul
any further! The longer you stay in that old mindset, the more crippled you will be and Mr./Ms. Right
will not be able to recognize you! Peace<3
On 10th Oct 2013 at 09:10 PM Healed said...
Great sharing everyone! The part that is so confusing to me is how inconsistent he was in silencing me
out. It happened when I was off being independent. The funny part was the last couple months of the
dreaded relationship, I would actually feel sick to my stomach if I ended up home later than I had
planned. He never yelled or said Where were you? He would do this subtle silent treatment thing,
very hard to detect. I started to feel very off balance but could not put my finger on it. We were set to
renting a place together, but I thought it was strange that he did NOTHING to help with this process
accept talk about the help he had to offer me, very strange behavior. I confronted him 4 days prior to
moving and actually signing the lease together. I began to share how concerned I was that he wasnt
doing anything and my fear that he was not emotionally invested. He went off his rocker, going on and
on, cutting my character to the core and it never did make sense why it went that Fight went thatfar.
He silenced me for 2 days and when I told him this silent crap needs to stop and reminded him that he
has a part in this fight. He actually said to me: if a perpetrator whacks you upside the head with a
bat, you beat him to the ground to protect yourself, do you actually think you stand there and apologize
to the perpetrator? I about went out of my mind listening to this intelligent man sound so stupid. He
allowed me to stand there for 1 hour asking in 20 different ways if we are moving forward or not. He
would not say yes nor would he say no. I raised my voice telling him that no normal relationship has to
beg her spouse for an answer to this question. He said SEE, SEE, thats the crap I wont put up
with. I said SCREW this and walked out. While at work he packed up andleft. No word from him for
about 10 days but than I get pic of him holding his new grandchild, no words just a pic. I will never
reduce myself into believing this relationship will go anywhere. He is actually very sick emotionally
from what I can see and this is a train wreck going off the tracks if I have ever seen one a coming.
Looking back on the relationship, I can see where this started. It started when I started to trust what
he was saying was true. I consider myself to be intuiative but was unable to see in between what was
really going on, however my gut was telling me this was not right. If you feel that immediately, start to
question something they are saying when they are wooing you, get out. Seriously, when you start to
like who you are and are okay with all qualities as well as character defects, you wont attract crazy.
God Bless all of you.
On 11th Oct 2013 at 08:05 AM Rita Payne said...
At 63, I can relate to all the comments I have read on this site. I recall parental abuse since age 5 and
still experience verbal, mental, emotional and financial abuse from my husband. I have prayed, asked,
requested, discussed, pleaded on my knees, written notes, letters and requested counseling together and
absolutely NOTHING works. I do not even know who I am anymore. Dont believe in divorce and
have experienced the abuse for aprox. 17 years. I found out he treated his ex-wife the same way for 21
years in 2001. I just do not know what the answer is. If I break down and cry, he crosses his arms,
stands back and laughs at me because he knows I let him get to me. Then he says, You have to deal

with what I dish out. You cannot afford to live on your own. He is correct in the statement. I cant
afford it. It is overwhelming to put it mildly. I believe there is BPD, power and control issues to start. I
have and am still giving all I have the energy to give to the marriage but honestly view it as a loosing
situation. Psychologists, therapists and my current M.D. have expressed fear for my welfare.Do not,
however like to view myself as a victim. I was always taught , if there is a problem, solve it. As his
wife, I am NOT trained nor in the position to solve such severe problems. I dread getting up every
morning knowing 24/7 he will continue to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING he can do to make the
day and my life unbearable. There is NO excuse to be irritated, aggitated, and provoked by him.
Absolutely NONE!!! Its 24/7/365/for over 17 years. I beg him to please not upset me during the day
when I get up. Begging is of NO value either. I beg him not to make me cry during the day. Pretty sad
when you must unceasingly beg your own husband for some peace and happiness on a daily basis.
What a way to start your day. There are many additional problems involved also that I have not
mentioned. May God bless everyone, men or women, who fight to survive in this world with persons
who have mental, emotional problems, personality disorders, brain malfunctions, etc.
On 11th Oct 2013 at 11:15 AM Rose said...
This is the first time I see a site about the silent treatment way of abuse which I and my son suffer all
the time. It rarely cesaes and only for a few days if lucky a week. We were together for many years
prior to our sons arrival and I had suffered from this abuse prior but always viewed it as my fault, if
only I would improve myself he not behave this way. Our son is six now and he treats our son the
same way. It is unbareable to explain to my little boy for years why daddy behave like this. I am the
victim of ridiculous amounts of emotional, psychological and financial abuse on a catastrophic level.
This has left me suicidal for many years and I am convinced if it were not for my son I would be dead
by now. It is my fear of his father raising my little boy that keeps me from doing it. He has gone to all
my family and made himself a prince, buying them lavish gifts, trips etc and making me look like a
piece of shit. He has gone to my ex-spouse and interviewed him recently to know more of me prior to
my marriage to my present spouse. OMG!!!! I could go on and on. The pain is so debilitating. I feel
like a crushed cock roach under his shoe and suffer day in and day out. He comes to me, my son and
mother (my mom of 76yrs lives with us for 11yrs) and tells us to our face he not pay mortgage
anymore, will wipe out accounts, not pay sons school tuition etc) packs suitcases in front of us and say
to all he not live where he not respected and loved. OMG!!!! then he returns like boomerang to inflict
more pain. Its all tooo much. Cannot take anymore. The verbal abuse is on a GRAND scale to my
face, in writing and text. I soooooooo wish to fall asleep and wake up only to be in a better place. But,
my boy needs me so. I have served him divorce papers a month ago only to have him constantly
bombarding me with claims of intense love for me and his son, how sorry, he treat us nice forever
more. Part of me wants to believe just so I not struggle anymore and face so many unknowns. But, the
rational side of me say he not capable of such change otherwise it happen before I serve him papers.
So many horrible abuses over years I cannot list. My self esteem is tanked.
On 21st Oct 2013 at 10:22 PM David said...
I found it odd that you have made the abusers gender male in your article. It is nonetheless relevant
and informative. Having come to terms after many years of this treatment I reconciled the behaviour as
a womans relative inability to be physically abusive?
On 24th Oct 2013 at 02:06 AM emmi said...
thank you so much for this article. im only 17 years old but ive been grappling with the idea of my
dear (now) ex-boyfriend being abusive and every time i blamed myself because i was convinced that it
was okay for him to do these things since he told me he never owed me his time or presence. i self
harmed, attempted suicide three times, and became anxious and depressed because of the abuse and

ignoring, and he continued to do these things even when my life was in danger. i desperately hope some
day hell realize what he did and apologize so i can forgive him. he was such an important and
wonderful part of my life and the fact that he did this breaks my heart.
On 24th Oct 2013 at 01:33 PM Pamela said...
Woman or Man!!! Abuse on any level should never be tolerated.The first sign of abuse should be the
last period.Never again will I ignore the RED FLAGS!!!!! I will never sacrifice my mind for No
One!!!!! I had casual sex.one time! We were nothing.Its beyond me why he would waste his time
attempting to use his abusive antics on me? #condused but never again will I entertain such drama
again!!!
On 25th Oct 2013 at 02:16 AM G said...
This is a description on me and my husband. I mean exactly. I feel like I could crack and I also feel as
emotionally weak. The weakest I have ever felt in my life. So I know I have to stop him from doing
this to me before I do become a statistic. I wont allow him to do that to meto kill my spirit where I
dont want to live. But I can see how women get to that state, because the abuse is so relentless and
deliberate. But will tell people they are trying to keep the family together, when they literally ignore
you while you talk, laugh and engage in their routine like you are invisible and the lowest of the
lowest. My husband calls my mother to ask her to calm me down, because I do have the violent
outburst. I am asking God to take that from my heart and spirit. Because, I also think they find joy in
your kids viewing you as a monster, while they are calm and collective. I think this type if person is
the absolute most dangerous kin d if person. They systematically attempt to attack your mind, spirit &
soul. I feel like a different person. There is no joy in life, but the kids, because Im thankful they are
healthy and happy. & they dont understand why I feel this way every single day. I just cant do this
and function even halfway anymore. I just dont understand. I wont ever.
On 25th Oct 2013 at 08:41 PM Liz said...
This artical is exactly and to the point of what I am livingbut my abuser is not a man it is my 33/yr
old Daughter. I am 54/yrs old and have been told I look like I am in my 40s. Have always taken
care of myself, my appearance and work out. My daughter left a very abusive relationship and has
been living with me for over a year. I have gone through so much and have told her, no one in my
entire life has hurt me or crushed my spirit, my heart and caused me so much tears as she has. All she
does is stand there and stare at me as if it does not faze her in the slightest. I have never thought of this
as emotional abuse until today after reading this. I was shocked and saw it was discribing our
mother/daughter relationship. I am a giving person, helping abusive/homelesss women. I have a deep
heart for women because of all we go through. So of course for my daughter, I gave till there is
nothing left to give. I have tried supporting her through all she is going through and never realizing she
was abusing me emotinally. I have printed this out and will go home and read this to her. I am going
to tell her either she stops or she will have to leave. I have told her time and time again, I am not the
same person I was before since all her life changed going on 3/yrs ago. Thank you for this article. It
has opened my eyes. God Bless everyone who is going through this. Only through prayer and faith, if
they dont want to go to counseling, can this spirit be broken.
On 29th Oct 2013 at 01:50 AM Munira Kuru said...
I am one of the victim my history look the same with article poste I am so interested to read it I felt like
it was abot the me
On 29th Oct 2013 at 08:57 AM katie said...
OMG ...this is my life for the past two years i feel like ive lost myself long ago just trying to tell him

how hurt i poor my heart out and he looks right through me and because of it i want to just walk
away and forget him.I live with him spend 80% of my time in my room . i have nowhere else to live so
i keep digging past what used to be on it and could leave. but im weak past what i always avoided. i
feel useless unwanted. i cut my hair. No attention from him ive gained weight cant sleep alot and just
want to break out in tears..he ignores me to the point id rather end it at times. im lonely sad and
insecure and hate him.
On 29th Oct 2013 at 10:44 AM Mary Bowamn said...
I have been with my husband for then 30 years now.He is a drinker could have done so much with he
life. But let the drinking get the better of him.I cant count in my head how many he stop drinking.I
know he is not happy has never been happy he has always stop for me so he says like I said dont even
know any more. I want to make this short im not a good at spelling so if spell some wrong sorry im just
trying to let it out.Any way I want it to be over with I think I always have. I know I always have.Now
he has no job no one that can take him in I cant put him out there where has no roof over his head but a
at ponit that I just wish God would take him because I feeling that is the only to be from. God for
giving me. I just want to find out what it is like to be happy. sign Just Dont Know What To DO.
On 31st Oct 2013 at 12:57 AM Dalila Stewart said...
Im currently going through the silent treatment/Emotional abuse. Its soo bad, to finally wake up and
realize the one you deeply love, never loved you. Only want to control you, turn you into human robot..
I pray I will have enogh strength soon to remove myself from this (Toxic) situation..Ive been crying for
three day now Feeling alone and isolated. Whenever I leave to go to work, I feel like everyone can
see my hurt and pain.. Its makes me want to go back home and lay in bed underneath the covers and
cry..
This isnt love.. Its torture..And I pray I can get out of this situation soon, while hes at work.
On 31st Oct 2013 at 10:04 AM Sandy said...
I am not sure if I emotionally or mentally being abused. I am married a second time, my 2nd husband
will yell at me and put me down if I was ever running late for an event. Now when he puts me down I
go silent because if I try to defend myself or my 2 grown sons he will berate me for hours. He talks
about the girls they live with and plan to marry as in his works they are only in it to get there dicks
polished. He always accuses me of keeping secrets from him and I do if it will cause me more grief
from him but they are not really secrets I need to talk to someone. He started on with giving them each
a line of credit to use and they use it and they have never missed a payment. He told them its for them
to use as long as payments are made. Not 1 payment missed and now he says well they use the lines of
credit you would think they would be standing on there own 2 feet by now. Mean while his son of 18
goes to university and works gets to keep his money and my husband gives him money that he does not
have to pay back. I dont know why he cares what they are doing or who they live with. Both are hard
working young men. Go to work every day and bring in descent money. My husband is mean says
nasty words to me. I told him if you dont love me anymore to let me go and I will go. I am to the point
when not at work I just want to sleep. When I sleep no one is mad at me. If he makes a plan no one can
change that plan. He kicked my son out of the house when he asked for a plan change, then let him
back in, now we had a plan and his son is changing the plan in a big way but its okay in his mind. Now
I said I am not doing his plan because he is so unfair. I dont want him to kick his son out I just want
the rules to apply to his son at 18 that applied to my son at 20 years of age. He just let me have again
last night so I have to be careful he either yells at me, put us down or gives me silent treatment. Am I
okay?

 On 1st Nov 2013 at 04:30 AM sudeera said...

I have experienced this. I am so upset.i still have this problem from my husband. I want to know why
he is behaving like this? please advise me.
On 1st Nov 2013 at 04:35 AM sudeera said...
I experienced this type of silence from my husband. read all stories. very similar to his nature. please
advise me what to do?
On 3rd Nov 2013 at 11:36 AM nomthando said...
my boyfriend of six years is exactly like this..we have a baby now and da abuse has somehow gotten
worse. he will manipulate situations and make it appear as though i am always wrong, he refuses to
take ownership of anything wrong going on in our relationship and will ignore fone calls,text messages,
emails i send to him. when he does call he will ask about our kid any nothing about me.one day we will
be so lovey dovey hardly able to keep our hands off each other.it takes one lousy fight and hel ignore
me for a whole week.
On 3rd Nov 2013 at 04:22 PM Marie Mcandrew said...
thank you.
My daughter - in- law did the silent treatment. I asked if i did anything wrong to her, she said one word
NO. I have lived 15 years with this treatment - it drove me to counselors - who did not help- they did
not know about what i just read from your message.
I am a friendly, kind and not nosy at all, i am a loving person and i claim that all back today after
reading your message.
I am ready for a good cry today i did not deserve that treatment. Question: how do i handle a person
who treats me this way.
On 18th Dec 2013 at 03:08 PM mae said...
I thought it was just mefeeling like I was losing my mind. I went from happy and outgoing, to
feeling depressed and nothing like my old self. In 2011, I lost my Father, my husband left I lost my job
and soon after, my husband took my son. He gave me the silent treatment throughout the marriage of
17 yrs(and still does today)I filed for a divorce He made it clear when he left the home that he was
going to make my life hell. He has succeeded and at the lowest point, due to his abuseI finally
snapped and just lost it on him. Needless to say, I spent 2 weeks in jailbut to this day, I have to say it
was worth every second. Now, I feel like I am past it, over it and I certainly let him know what I
thought of the yrs of abuse. Nobody should live like I was living. These people are so unworthy of a
caring spouse. He nearly drove me to end it all on several occasions. I hated myself, I cried all the time
and I am so happy to have come to my senses when I did. Punching him in the eye was a bonus. He
deserved it and I finally came out of my depression. Run away as fast as you can if someone makes you
sad all the time. The name calling, silent treatment and hatefulness is just not acceptable. I must tell
you, up until then I was never a violent person, but abuse changes you and is so harmful to everyone
that has to see it.
On 19th Dec 2013 at 08:45 PM Jojo said...
Thank you for this page, I thought it was just me, the crying alone, irrational behaviour, the isolation.
Mine is a bit unusual as I have been having a very intense long distance text relationship and only met
him once. After meeting me it went downhill from there. The first time was abuse through a text which
shocked me so much, as it was out of the blue. Things got progressively worse, he would call me

names and wouldnt like me going out with friends. He then cut the texting right down and ignored me
for a week,then asked what was the matter with me! He promised to visit me and let me down. His
texts became more nasty and I retaliated with what I think is terror texting to fight back. After this I
was blocked from his phone and he has cut off all ties, this has been a month now and I miss him
although my friends cant understand why. I know deep down he will never get in touch now and this
has hurt me deeply. He told me he loved every day and textd me all day long, how could he change so
quickly? Everyday is getting worse not better and my behaviour and personality are changing with it.
On 21st Dec 2013 at 01:54 PM Susie Q said...
Im surprised that no one has msde s oomparison between this and passive aggression. Arent they
pretty much the same?
On 21st Dec 2013 at 02:55 PM Pamela said...
@ Jojo its a game! Please do yourself a favor and dont entertain his foolishness and thank God for the
distance in between you two! Thats a blessing!
On 29th Dec 2013 at 12:13 AM anna said...
I have been told that i am mentally unstable i have bi polar disorder. I am a rotten mother and I am
called names told that I am fat I am ugly.Nobody likes me as a person,if i go out on my own im
sleeping with all the men in the pub.Ive had this crap for 3yrs. It says it wants rid of me but wont leave
the house. He says i dont care wot you get up to.Says he doesnt want to be seen in public with me. He
never pays me any compliments doesnt show me any affection.No sex for 3 years also your old and
wrinkly im 46 hes 65 is he insecure because i am younger.He makes me feel worthless.
On 30th Dec 2013 at 06:41 PM Sara said...
Julie - I just read your post. You are dating a classic narcissist!! Read anything and everything you can
get your hands on (lots of good stuff on line including The Path Forward a book you can download
and purchase on line and short Sam Vaknin videos on narcissism on YouTube)with regards to
narcissim. You have done nothing wrong - REPEAT - youve done nothing wrong! You are, in fact,
engaged in an abusive relationship with a narcissist and you must cut him off entirely, spare yourself
and get out for your own good and sanity. Find a job (anything that will allow you to gain freedom) or
move in with a friend or family member till you get back on your feet - and cut this toxic man out of
your life. They are all about control and things will not improve. It is a pattern that will not change
because they are incapable of changing. I will pray for you. Keep your chin upyou will return to
your happy, full functioning self. I did! You must fight for it though - you will feel so much better
once you free yourself from the narcissist and begin to breath again and return to who you are. The
right man in your life will suppliment the good feels you have about yourelf - not destroy them!
On 1st Jan 2014 at 05:29 PM Maureen said...
Thank you for your article on abuse this is what i have had for 13 years from my sons since there father
killed himself . They blame me when he wasnt with me i have told them they are abuser they dont
care . And continue to abuse me and women in there life.
On 2nd Jan 2014 at 09:21 PM Lu said...
I have experience of the silent treatment.my other half has ignored my needs for the past 4 years we
have been married. Our sex life has.been twice a year if that. He doesnt want sex and says I am
unapproachable. He makes friends with other women and I have found him out. He says its because he
is lonely. I have told him how I have felt lonely in this marriage but he doesnt seem to care. He shuts
off when I am around tuning into TV and computer. He doesnt work. I work and pay the bills.. When I

go out which is very seldom, I come home to him turning his back on me ,turning his music up loud
and ignoring me. If I tell him how I feel he immediately tells me about how he feels. I feel ignored in
my role as a wife,no intimacy, no appreciation or respect for the support I give financially. He has
alienated my family with his rudeness and if things get heated on occasion I have retaliated and have
been verbally assaulted and also hit. I tried to leave but he cries ,begs and threatens suicide. I feel
trapped by guilt and responsibility. I feel scared that if I leave not only will I have to live with what he
may do but worry that I can I survive alone. My head says I can but then Im wracked with self doubt!
My head is a mess and every day is awful. I feel my life is disappearing before me. I dont know what
to do!
On 4th Jan 2014 at 06:50 PM Barbara said...
My daughter has been giving me the silent treatment for over 4mths now. She stopped talking to me
because she left my grandchildren with me one day and called to say she was on her way to pick them
up, a journey which should take 30mins! I tried calling and texting her and was worried she had had an
accident. 3hrs later her controlling husband appeared to pick them up, because I was angry, he bundled
the kids up and I havent seen them since. I have tried repeatedly to talk to her by phone, text and
meeting her at work, but I am being ignored. I am not sure if it is coming from her or if her husband
has told her not to speak to me. This treatment is breaking my heart, I have apologised for anything I
have did wrong but I get no response.
On 4th Jan 2014 at 11:15 PM eva said...
My parents practice the silent treatment on me on a regular basis. This first started about 15 years ago,
when I came out of a unhappy, controlling marriage and found myself. It`s strange they were my best
friends when I was weak and down on my luck. Now that I very happily married to a lovely man with
two children they don`t want to know. The problem starts when I confront them with their bad
behaviour, and believe me there`s plenty of that. As soon as I speak up and say no don`t do that to me
then bang no phone calls, no nothing until I go grovelling back and agree with their bad treatment of
me. I have spent years being told that I am evil, a vile bitch, thick as shit, stupid, you don`t know,
anything by my father. My mother just sais shame on you and we don`t wash our diry laundry in
public. They deny everything bad they do and lie constantly to cover their tracks. My brother is the
golden child because he agreees with them and I`m the scapegoat because I say no. I console myself
with the fact that I`ve found out recently that other members have been subjected to years of silence
treatment by them, so it`s not just me. I have come out the other side a stronger, better, so much
happier person and they have lost the one good thing in their life, me and my children. I will never go
there again until I get some kind of explanation for the years of silent abuse....no-one should ever let
anyone treat them this way. For the record it`s called Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the research
on this subject probably saved my life.
On 5th Jan 2014 at 10:53 PM Tom said...
I am a husband who has been married for 20 years. I deeply love my wife and love being a family
man.
The silent treatment is one of a number of techniques my wife practices on me.
First some background.
About a decade ago after our 4th and final child was born, my wife decided that there was no future in
our marriage. Whilst being devastated, I acknowledged that cracks had been growing in our
relationship for quite some time. These included the following:
* me being blamed for things that couldnt be pinpointed, e.g. resentfulness. When I asked how I
was being resentful the response was You wouldnt understand. Theres no point talking about it.

* my wife feeling victimized at the smallest things, beyond reasoning/rationality

* my wife not apologizing ever for any mistakes she had made
* my wife continually making me feel like I had done something wrong. Sometimes I would be
blamed for stuff I categorically know I didnt do.
* my wife withdrawing love, compassion, warmth and intimacy (theres been no intimacy for last 10
years)
For the last approx 5 years I raised the children like a single dad whilst my wife unswervingly pursued
her career (whilst holding down a full time job of my own). Whenever my wife was home shed be
glued to her mobile handset while mainly ignoring the rest of us. Shed be gushing to friends and
colleagues while being cold hearted to me.
When we went for marriage counseling my wife wouldnt fully open up to the counselor but
hoodwinked her into thinking I was to blame for our problems. The counselor concluded there was no
future in our relationship.
Cut to present day:
My wife launched divorce proceedings 8 months ago, announcing that shes not the marrying type
(after 20 years of marriage and 4 children).
Unfortunately we now have a lot of sorting out to do over children and assets. Since I have not agreed
to go along with everything her way she instigated the silent treatment 8 months ago and convinced our
eldest child to participate in this emotionally battering activity.
Its put me through a range of feelings similar to whats written in this article. I am excluded from
family mealtimes. I am excluded from our double bedroom. While I was out one day my wife
disposed of our double bed and put a single bed for herself in it. She locks our bedroom up so I have
no alternative but to sleep in lounge. Shes trying to make me feel degraded and unworthy of respect.
i.e. to make life so intolerable in the family home that Ill be glad to leave.
The ongoing lack of respect and hatred towards me led to my oldest son physically assaulting me at
home. When I knocked on his bedroom door he burst out and gave me a black eye telling me to just
get out of Mums house.
The police took the physical assault very seriously. My son could now end up with a criminal record. I
wish I could discuss the consequences with him but he refuses to communicate (at least at time of
writing - I really hope that will change soon!)
For me the physical abuse is nothing compared to the emotional torture. The police are not interested
in the emotional stuff because theres no physical evidence. Similarly family law does not cater for it.
Family law basically protects mothers and casts out fathers. I know its a generalization but it feels that
way in my case.
I am concerned that if/when my wife gets custody of the children, they will be passively taught
emotional abuse. Even worse they might suffer cruelly in it.
I sincerely believe that it would be in the childrens best interests to live primarily with a father who
will teach them healthy values about inclusion, communication, dignity and respect. My children are
so mixed up in the home situation that they cant clearly see whats going on. They cant be blamed for
that. Can I blame my oldest child for behaving like he did towards me? Is he not a victim of his
Mums manipulation?
Of course this post is one sided on my part. I wish my wife could put her side too - sticking to the facts
of course. Trouble is I dont think she would stick to the facts. Shes very intelligent and given half the

chance shed convince you that Im a deluded psychopath.

Thanks for your time anyway for reading all this!
On 8th Jan 2014 at 05:38 AM Marie said...
I was married 18 years to a man who treated me this way. The last 5 years of our marriage I had to
medically care for him due to the results of the first of many falls & then his developing Myasthenia
Gravis. I didnt think his abuse could get any worse, but those last 5 years became torture. With two
children, 8 & 2, my world evolved around him to the point that I do not even remember my children
existing during those years. He was frequently inappropriate & mentally abusive to my daughter(our
eldest child), and when he turned on our son too, I knew something had to change. We did split up, and
things did get even worse. I thought my life was bad before, but it did become a living nightmare. The
legal system made a mockery of things & granted a divorce in 3 months, he died 1 month later. Thanks
to adult stepchildren, (& the courts) our children & I lost our home, our business (my job there as
well),and most of our belongings. It has been 1 1/2 years since he died, and we still struggle to
overcome the depression & our emotional scars. We have all been to counselors, but our past is not
addressed by them & we are told to move on, start over, be happy. I am desperately looking for a way
to work through some of this stuff on my own since I am not receiving the help I need. I have been
trying to develop friendships, but 2 close ones last year turned on me & my trust & faith in people is
even lower. Please, if there is anyone out there that has suggestions for me, contact me! I do want to
live again. Free of the mental chains that surround me. Thank you for taking the time to hear me.
On 10th Jan 2014 at 12:02 AM Jojo said...
To Pamela
Thank you it has been a few weeks now and I can not believe the change in me. I am writing this to
encourage everyone else on this page. I now realise what this man was he was a control freak, a nasty
piece of work who never loved me and I do believe he does this on a regular basis. My friends knew he
was bad but I would not listen. At the time I thought it was fate and it was but the wrong kind. He got
me when I was at my most vunerable (lucky him!)I have got over himas the person I thought I loved
but I still struggle to get over how I was so easily taken in and how much power he had over me. The
fact he was a predator and so cruel and manipulative makes my blood run cold but I know I am a good
person and deserve better. Please get shut of these men and women its hard but you can do it. You will
plunge to the lowest depths at first not functioning properly and may go a little bit mad but honestly it
does get easier. You will never forget what they did but you can live without them, you all deserve to be
happy and I hope you stay strong xx
On 17th Jan 2014 at 07:45 PM SG said...
I am going through the same, have become mentally exhausted, the more he ignores the more I cry. The
more I try the more is the blame. I ask for help I am pathetic.he tellsIts always my fault. I fabricate
stories, nobody believes me, I have issues and he is the good one. I have had suicidal thoughts, want to
hide where nobody finds me, thats how miserable he has made me. Not only physically but mentally
this relationship has made me a unhappy person who is always thinking and has forgotten how to
laugh.
On 19th Jan 2014 at 05:15 AM Peter said...
Actually the least talked of form of abuse, may actually be the withholding of sex from a partner as a
form of punishment or reward system of compliance.
As a child that suffered both emotional and physical abuse along with what I term psychological
kungfu from a father that had been a police officer, then a school teacher and finally a psychologist I

can tell you that the only safe place was in silence.
Im not abusive by being silent Im protecting myself from psychological bullying on a level that is
almost pure survival, because in the past saying the wrong thing resulted in extreme physical violence
from my father whom is a respected psychologist.
When you write you consistently use the terminology of (he) for the abuser and (she) for the abused
without any regard for the FACT that many men suffer from all manner of forms of abuse from early
childhood including the silent treatment from women whom as I recall as a teenager used this form of
abuse on a regular basis to demonstrate their position in the social ranks.
In conclusion Im not saying that silent treatment cant be an abusive process, however your claim that
it is always abusive is simplistic at best and deluded at the other end of the scale.
Just remember you cant trust roughly 60% of the population because they will kill you because
someone wearing a white coat tells them they are participating in an important scientific experiment
and they must continue and that is a fact you can not deny unless you replicate those experiments and
have a different outcome.
(PS. those studys were done in the 50s and from what I can tell the numbers may even be higher
today)
Good luck with attempting to improve humanity when deep down you should know we the collective
of humanity are the greatest disaster to hit this earth.
On 19th Jan 2014 at 07:02 PM Adri said...
Hello, after 2 yrs the man I loved gave me the silent treatment before pulling the dissappearing act act
and cutting me completely from his life. Its been one month and I am heartbroken. I lived with him for
1 year and after I bought my home he had agreed to move with me. As time passed he talked about
wanting to make changes and be a better person. However, he started to show more interest in his
friends. It was like he had forgotten everything we shared and that we lived togerher? I didnt
understand why he would hurt me by leaving me in such a cold manner. I gave him some space after 2
weeks I asked him why he left without notice. He stood silent and never responded. After 1 week he
decided to respond and stated that the situation is painful for him too and said he loved me but he was
not able to give me what I want. He said that now its just a matter of waiting for God to give us
another person and wished that all my dreams come true. I cant help feel so played and rejected. He
said that I was the only one he ever loved and that I was the one. It pains me to know how someone I
cared and poured my heart to would play with my emotions and not show any remorse and or regret.
He made me believe we had something little did I know he was planning after 2 years to pull the
vanishing act on me and tell me the joke is on me. I have maintained 0 contact with him and never once
looked for him. In all honesty all I care to do is dissappear myself. I try so hard to hide away because I
dont want to see his face. I just want this nightmare I am living to be over. I want to forget him and all
the moments I thought meant something, all the time spent living together, and everything I endured. I
find the strength every day to get up and dust my wounded body from the ground, but there are
moments like this where the wound still festers. I try not to feel like such a victim by thinking negative
thoughts or thinking that how he played me or how he must be portraying me with his friends and
family or even how he must be having the time of his life with his new person doing everything that he
did with me to her. I just ask God to help me get through this terrible time and to help me forget
someone who turned out to be a cruel individual. Perhaps times will heal my wound.
On 19th Jan 2014 at 10:45 PM Carolynn said...
Not only did my husband use silent treatment as one of his many narcissistic weapons in our marriage-

when the marriage did end (not surprisingly)- he is using silent treatment against me- and EVEN
WORSE- he has used it against my 19 yr old daughter who he adopted. We were married for 10 yrs, so
she was really little when he came into her life. AND her biological father died when she was in 6th
grade and we found out that her bio-dad had sexually abused her. THUS- this silent treatment postdivorce- is bad enough inflicted on me- but TRIPLE ABUSE when inflicted on a child, now young
adult. I am praying it has no detrimental effects in her future relationships. Now his daughter (who I
also adopted) is getting married and we have to navigate all that with the captain of silent abuse!
On 20th Jan 2014 at 01:50 PM Katie said...
Thank you for the opportunity to read such interesting information. It has helped me move on with my
life and learn what exactly he has been doing to me. I gained strength from all I read and I hope it will
help many others move on
On 22nd Jan 2014 at 11:31 AM Jeffery Potter said...
Its a long post but very much informative for
The mind game, I like your post. Thanks
On 22nd Jan 2014 at 11:03 PM BC said...
Not Funny that your article is slanted to male abusers. Im a male and my wife is us ring this on me Im
trying to figure out how to fight it. But feel quite awkward reading this due to you male abusive slant.
On 25th Jan 2014 at 01:35 PM Daisy said...
Reading that article just made me cry I feel as though it was written for me :(
On 25th Jan 2014 at 05:40 PM Michael said...
in this article it says he a lot but after dating a lady for a few month recently I got the same abuse
after she broke up with me via text. A barrage of constant abuse to provoke a reaction most of which
was an attack on my self esteem in a bid to drive me under. She constantly told me I have mental
problems, that im just like my like my father (a negative) that my existance makes her angryetc it
just went on and on for a couple of weeks.
Mind you, she is a Social Worker?!
If the abuse was to continue I would have had to take it further and file a report, it was clear she wanted
nothing more than to make sure I never date again so as I would be mieserable my whole life.
On 26th Jan 2014 at 04:51 AM anonymous said...
My 4 children and I were emotionally abused for years. It began to turn physical, and after a few
events, I filed for divorce. There was no contact for 4 years, then he asked court for therapeutic
supervised visitations. My kids do not want to see him, but I am forced to take them, and now the
therapeutic supervisor told my kids that she doesnt believe they were abused because verbal doesnt
count, and she has seen kids who were beaten much worse. Against court order, the therapist left my
children with him unsupervised, and regularly the visits last longer than they are supposed to, even
though the kids tell her they want to leave, she will not let them. I feel that if I speak out, it will be
viewed as me not being cooperative. My kids are angry that their emotions are dismissed so easily by
the therapist. What can I do?
On 31st Jan 2014 at 01:56 AM Ashley said...
Thank you for this article. I finally escaped my partner. This article fits him to a tee. I never really

could put my finger on what he was doing but I was finally able to walk away after gaining the strength
to respect myself. He did all of these things and more including the infidelity. He always blamed me for
his silence and would use it to escape with other women. He sent me into a spiral and I could not
understand how someone had that much control over me. Now I get it and I am so glad I am out of the
situation. I am so much stronger now and so happy to be away from that situation. Thank you for this
article and allowing me to realize that I am not alone and there are such monsters out there.
On 31st Jan 2014 at 08:03 PM barbara ryan said...
June 19 we got married one year later were divorced he drinks i dont i smoke he dont i cook clean work
my job carry in the wood start the fire.and he sets in the couch or gose to his garage until i fix supper
unless i just attack we have no sex he stays on the couch and sleeps the only time he gets up us when
his son and daughter in law comes too get drunk and stays 5 to 8 hours at a time they only live 6 to 7
blo ks away. We cant go on any bike rides or do anything witout them. He gose and plans his life
around them and by the way shes a whore at xmas she really showed her self my boys and there friend
went outside to get away from her and she went after them i asked david why did he always defend
her and why he always has to pick them over me but its me im crazy.but he will lie to me and go spend
hours with her while his son works on things.he fixed her a big dinner for her b day snd didnt even tell
me happy bday i asked him if they were fucking around or what and he through me out.so what would
u think.if the only time he can move off that couch is when they are here.and he always gets shitty
drunk and wants to fight with me after b n with them.so whats ur opion
On 31st Jan 2014 at 10:33 PM t billingsley said...
Dear Friends.
To let you know that I have gone through the same thing (emotional abuse silent treatment) with my bf
for 8 yrs. I decided to leave him on Dec 4, 2013. I was so emotional, miserable and hurt. When I first
dated him few weeks later my bf said, You dont know the other side of me. I asked him, what do you
mean by that? He said, you dont want to know! That got me very concerned and I tried to figure this
out all these years. Now I know the other side of him and I can see why his 1st wife is mental and his
2nd wife threw him out. Im the 3rd person and I left him before it has gotten worse. I couldnt
understand why he was so angry at me and he stayed distance from me for days, weeks and months.
He showed no feeling, no attention, dont care, no pity, wont talk to me, no I love you, no good night
kiss, no hugs, no gift, act big baby and no apologize to me. When hes done with his anger then he will
start talking to me again like nothing happens. I was so confused and hurt. I will never understand
what is wrong with him. He have been telling few of his friends and family that I needed help. They
even think that hes so sweet and friendly on the outside and Im the only one that knew the inside of
him. He will NOT admit it and is in denial. Hes blaming all of his problems on me. He would yelled
and slammed the doors at me. I still couldnt figured out and he needs help with his anger/madness. I
started to get confuse, hurt, crying and depress. He made me feel real bad, put me down and
uncomfortable. I was very frightened of him. He would looked very mad and I asked what is wrong?
He turned his head and walked off! No respect and will not tell me. Im like, how are we ever going to
solve our problems in our relationship? I have asked him to stop yelling and slamming the doors. He
just looked at me and walked away. Im like (??). Before Dec 4th of 2013, he screamed at me and
slammed the door in front of his daughter and her boyfriend. I said to myself that Im done! And I left.
On 1st Feb 2014 at 03:01 AM rose marie garhartt said...
what can be done when you seek help and the therapist fails to see the problem. What legal remedies do
I have. Where do I turn to since I have no money and he watches everything I do.
On 6th Feb 2014 at 07:50 PM Lubna said...

Graham. I have no words. Your story truly touched me. You sound like a very well rounded healthy
minded person with his head on his shoulders
On 10th Feb 2014 at 12:02 AM Lynn said...
When I was in this situation, I gave it back. I literally found the inner well of strength to pull myself
up by my bootstraps and continue my life. Then, I ignored him back while I lived my life. Was the
most difficult thing I ever did, but it felt good when he finally was begging for my support in many
pathetic ways. The key is control over emotions and letting your mind guide you by clarifying the
feelings with reason. Focus on yourself and your self esteem. Refuse to be stepped on, stay strong.
The inner strength of your true self is there within you. You must make contact with it in this kind of
crisis. The emotional turmoil leads you to yourself and prods you to soul search for your true worth and
value and strength. Go that direction and dont look back. You are worth more than that, know this
and move forward. Love yourself first. You dont need anyone to love you first, know this. It is
difficult but possible.
On 11th Feb 2014 at 04:09 PM shenel said...
I am going through the same thing, its been two weeks now. Ive hardly ate anything. Struggling to go
to work. Staying in bed most of the two weeks. I cant function!!!
On 12th Feb 2014 at 05:39 PM April said...
Im a victim of silent treatment as well. My boyfriend of 9 years use this all the time. he never tells me
whats wrong, everything just stops, no text, call, skype, nothing. We go from being in love with each
other, cant get enough of one another to no contact, I admit i tortures me. I cant go throughout my day
withouth wondering what hes angry for, or why hes doing this to me. I am now on my 7th day of
silent treatment. At first, I was begging him to say something and that I didnt deserve his treatment. All
he could say was that he knows and that hes sorry. And thats all ive heard from him. it breaks my heart
that he treats me this way. i admit he can be charming, and then it all turns into a nightmare. When hes
jealous, he drinks everyday all day, by that I mean he refills his cup with alcohol all day. When hes
angry he takes my phone without permission, if i dont let him see it he slaps me around. Ive covered
bruises, bite marks, etc from my family. I know this isnt good, but for some reason i feel like im locked
in this relationship..as if im stuck. Im the quiet kinda girl, and i dont like to do anything thatll piss him
off. I buy him gifts, we go out, plan trips , etc. And then out of no where, he stops communication with
me. its only me he does this to, not to his family and friends. Sometimes i wonder do they know, or are
they assuming him and I are in a fight or that im just being a loner....Then after a couple weeks he
comes back like nothing ever happened. Sometimes i have suicidal thoughts, or feel like maybe im not
good enough, or that somethings wrong with me. Why does he show love and affection but then act this
way. I just wish he would change for mei know he sees im hurtingif he really cares.
On 13th Feb 2014 at 11:17 AM Ray said...
I have suffered at the hands of my wife for 12 years,we have two children and she enjoys the power
over me this gives her.Her plan now is to so completely destroy me that I literally have nothing..she is
deeply mentally abusive and make it appear that I am the crazy, unstable one ,her family hate me.She
has forced me out then brings me back with charm ,sex and of course the kids.My life is totally ruined I
have no confidence and am financially wrecked.She will not communicate with me on any level apart
from the basics about food and (Rage if I object) etc.She has controlled the finances for years and only
used my wage to collateralize debt..now we are ruined and in debt management but now she blames me
because she cant spend any more money on shit we dont need I spent years doting on the woman only
to be used and abused,I have nothing and thats the way she likes it..I need to escape but cant because
of hyper-inflated property and rents,while i was working away for us she was covering all bases to

make sure she stays ahead she has all the power now and wants me dead as i am useless to her now .
On 14th Feb 2014 at 03:54 AM SARAH said...
Hi I just want to tell you my experience as I am now suffering the silent treatment alone. My long term
partner suffers mental health issues- anxiety depression and mood disorder and is on antidepressants x
2. We have a very deep connection and are very passionate. He has always held me in high regard when
discussing me with people and his GP. Over the course of our relationship he has become increasingly
aggressive, verbally abusive and now 2 outbursts of physical violence toward me. His behaviour is
unpredictable and his bullying is over small issues which any normal person would not even get upset
over. He cannot let go of small issues and he is aware if this, It has caused immense pressure as you
never know what to expect and Im always paying the price or being blamed for something that has I
am not guilty of. He is also aware that he has not been professionally managed or monitored properly
and that is his own doing despite my insistence.I have children to my previous marriage, between 16
and 21 years. He has teenagers also from his previous marriage and they are all the same ages. Five
children in total.Seven weeks ago my partner became verbally aggressive toward me over a small issue,
and I told him diplomatically that I could not talk to him at that time and I walked away as instructed
by our psychologist. I find his aggression unbearable. He hates it when I do this as he accuses me of
shutting him down and controlling the situation, as he likes to be the one in control and he requires me
to stand there and take it. He remained silent for the next 24 hours after this event and sulked. He slept
on the couch and his mood became very elevated to the point of extreme anger. He spoke rudely to me
when I gave him his lunch and dinner the next day to which he refused. I said nothing and the kids and
I kept out of his way. He drank 4 stubbies of beer that day as well. By early evening he went to bed and
became verbally aggressive to me again so I left the bedroom to be with the kids in another room. His
girls, were there as well who are also teenagers and told me he was aggressive to their mum and use to
push her around. I made the mistake of telling them that yes he had hit me beforehand and my 18year
old son, who overheard, texted him to not strike me again. The text response from my partner to my
son, was a highly offensive invitation to enter his bedroom. My son entered the room stood near the
doorway and repeated to not touch his mother again and my partner pushed my son against the wall and
eventually my son put him into a headlock to restrain him which we witnessed. My other son broke it
up.Police were called and managed the situation. Despite this happening we are all concerned for my
partner and are forgiving him as we know he has a disorder that needs professional intervention. My
partner knows he needs this help as well but I wont let him back until he gets this help. He has rung a
few times and he just ends up yelling abuse at me as he is still angry. Occasionally I got a nice text
message but as of 3 weeks ago he has gone cold and is ignoring me. Only texts when he wants
something to be left out for him on the verandah as he is living elsewhere now. His dysfunctional
family who suffer severE depression and alcoholism are his only support network and do nothing but
interfere. He knows I am the only stable person in his life. He did tell me weeks and weeks ago he was
going to sought help but Ive heard that story before and I dont know if he has bothered. I am beside
myself as he ignores my texts and my phone calls and I cant contact him FOR 3 WEEKS NOW. I love
him still and believe it or not my children still do as well and ask after him. I am beside myself and I
dont Know what to do now. To make it worse its Valentines day and he always gives me a gift on this
day BUT NOTHING TODAY OF COURSE.I am sobbing today, cant work and feeling very sad and
isolated, AND IM IN BED. Im am barely functioning. Please help me.
THANK YOU. SARAH
On 16th Feb 2014 at 09:36 PM marion latifa said...
wellam doing the same to my husband coz he does the same to me.somemes,i dont even see he exists,i
spent alot of tym with our son and dauhter.am happy,at pece and so confident ever since

 On 17th Feb 2014 at 01:15 AM TIM said...

why do you write this as he as the abuser and she as the victim?
she is often the abuser of he
wth?
On 17th Feb 2014 at 02:48 AM Tom said...
Your article is written as if only men are the ones doing the abusing. What is harmful about your
writing is it hurts. I am currently in a loveless relationship with an abusive woman. We have go to
doctors and not one has done anything to help the situation. Even when I reported her to the police for
giving me a concussion nothing happened to her. She simply said I provoked it. A man could never get
away with saying she provoked it. There I stood bruised and she was told she could leave with our son.
The only good that came from my call to the police is her attorney told her to back off and not get
physical with me. Now she tell me how she wants me dead. How she cant hurt me directly but she will
find someone who will. Today alone she said she like to drop me in the ocean and she would not even
miss me.
She drained our bank account, I lost my job, she alienated all our friends and I cannot find anyone to
help me. I often wonder how many dead beat dads left there families because they had no other
choice.
I found this site because I was trying to find a way to stop the mind games she is plain on our 4 year
old. She rewards him every time he is abusive to me and hit me or yells at me.
I feel for anyone in my situation and if I wrote and article like this I would not refer to the abused
alway in the feminine and the abuser in the masculine. You right in what you said. Just wrong in your
approach.
On 17th Feb 2014 at 05:24 AM Gender said...
A society has been prepared social norms and values which provides particular characteristics and
behavior for sexes. Gender is nurtured in which culture affected in development from beginning of
pregnancy and society tells us through the role, activities, specific responsibilities and considered as
belonging to differentiate them.
On 18th Feb 2014 at 02:03 AM G said...
I have been seperated from my wife for almost 3 months. We had our problems like any marriage. I
came home from work an hour early to find 4 people moving her out. To say the least I was in shock. I
had several things running through my mind as to what the reason for this sudden move. She drained
my bank account leaving a negative balance just one week before rent was due which caused me to
move out breaking the lease and owing $2000.00. I was angry devistated and quickly became
depressed. I tried contacting her to get the strait truth. She responded with what seemed to be her
reaching with
Excuses pointing every finger at me. I quickly filed for divorce. After a month I emailed her thinking
we could reconcile. She did not respond for a few weeks but only through my friend by texting. I
couldnt shake the despair. . It was the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my
mind before I fell asleep. I tried several times to talk text her. Some were angry some were loving and
some where pleads for her to respond she stayed ice cold. This is not like me at all. I dont plead for
anyone to call or contact me. Infact most of the time if someone doesnt want to contact me I just shake
it off. All I needed was her to help me understand. She told my friend she wanted me back.
Confussion sets in and I have problems putting this whole thing to bed.I finally found this artical on

silent abuse. I coppied and posted in an email. I sent the email with it is over! I proceeded to block
her number from my cell phone for calls and texts both for her and so that I couldnt contact her as
well. Its still torture daily because I love her very much but atleast I know that what shes doing is strait
up abuse and I now will not stand for it. Christ has been a big portion of my new Strength. God bless
everyone going through the silent torture.
On 18th Feb 2014 at 11:23 PM sarah said...
Iv suffered years and years of silent abuse firstly ; from my dad who was a heavy drinker I wanted
escape so at 14 I met my second abuser I also had my daught at 14 followed by 4 more children he has
physically and mentaly abused me over,the years I find my self apologising in advance im living on
nervers ,iv tried to end my life twice I feel like a emotional wreck inside ,he criticises every thing I do
from cooking a meal to walking the dog he tells my 10yr old son am a haw n uses the words shagging
about how do I find strenth to leave were do I go before its too late
On 19th Feb 2014 at 03:55 AM Deni Maree said...
Thankyou. I needed to read this. I thought and felt I was going crazy . X
On 21st Feb 2014 at 07:08 AM Karen said...
I have been the victim of such abuse now for several years and I think that the most hurtful thing about
it is that all of my friends think that my husband is wonderful. The impossibility of any of my friends
believing me keeps me silent and I now feel as if I am permanently stuck inside a coffin or similar. That
is how I feel every night I go to bed alone and every morning I wake up alone.
But there is one subject not touched on in article which is the very hardest to deal with. I have 2
teenage daughters and he causes me all this hurt without them seeing what is going on, then in front of
them depicts himself as if I am being unreasonable to him or in the wrong so then what happens is that
the girls turn on me telling me I am being nasty to their dad. I really do not know how to cope with this
any more. Maybe you could add something to help those of us with this going on? Our children are
the one thing that makes life still worth living and if their love and respect is being diminished then life
is very difficult to cope with and family time is dreaded instead of relished. He talks to the children as
if I am not in the room and takes over any conversations and answers any questions as if every
comment or question is for him and him alone. Any suggestions please? I am now very scared of
suddenly having had enough and not know what I am doing - taking my own life is not an option for
me.
On 24th Feb 2014 at 01:29 AM Sue said...
Some amazing comments on this site. My mother has treated me in the same way over the years and
now my younger sister is doing the same thing. It used to paralyse me with confusion and I never quite
knew what I had done wrong. The answer was I had done nothing wrong but she just wanted her own
way. I know this is probably a very simplistic way of putting it but she wanted to control and
manipulate my life until I started saying NO to her. Dont laugh but I was in my 50s when this
happened! I am sure there were other issues involved such as the relationship between mothers and
daughters and I am trying to understand these as well. To others who are going through this or have
gone through this you have my deepest sympathy but sometimes you just have to walk away. Just
remember that this is not your fault. Good luck everybody.
On 25th Feb 2014 at 04:53 PM marian said...
My brother got some abusive text messages on his phone the language in was terrible. He dont send
texts himself.He didnt know who sent those messages. He took his phone down to the phone shop and

the girl could not make out one of the messages. Their was no name or number of who sent those
messages. The same thing happened to a neighbor of mine to day.
On 25th Feb 2014 at 06:21 PM melodie aszman said...
I have been the victim of physical abuse at the hand of a man I married 30 yrs ago at the age of 18. He
was 34. He was charming intil he started becoming quiet moody withdrawn depressed. The first time I
was beaten I was 4 months pregnant after 2 more beatings and beating me down emotional I found the
strength to leave 1 yr after the marraige. He was always sorry after he abused I was blamed I stayed
went to a psychiatris with him who told me if I stay he will kill me the dr said his problem goes too far
back to correct. I always tried to get that charming man back when I realized he never existed I left
At the age of 53 I met my next abuser only this one was an emotional one. I felt something was off
with him by the 1st date yet his love bombing won me over and I was so in need of love and
companionship. I have a disabled son and life is difficult due to his mental illness. I ignored all the
signs and made excuses for his behavior blaming myself as he did. I went through the torture of his
triangles his silent treatment when I defied him and even if I didnt. When things were good he would
retreat.
I questioned my sanity went on medication became irratic his family thought I was u.stabe as he
remained composed. I tried to kill myself and he didnt show remorse. Your whole article I live on and
off for 4 yrs I became obsessed. I have finnaly broken free and it is liberating. Great article
On 25th Feb 2014 at 11:03 PM Nikki said...
Everything I have just read on this page is so true to the abuse I am suffering, nobody can quite
understand the pain and torture I am going through, its getting so bad when he leaves and ignores me
for a week Im starting to feel suicidal, I literally cany function without him in my life.I know I can
somewhere but I just feel I physically cant, I cant take the mental pain I am suffering and its been so
comforting to read this. I know I will stay in this relationship until I am physically able and ready to
leave, my family are starting to worry, thank you for writing this article, it makes realise Im not mad or
insane or going crazy, and that others have suffered this kind of abuse
On 25th Feb 2014 at 11:23 PM Cassandra said...
My best friend is going through this same situation. In fact, she sent me this article so that I can have a
better idea as to what her life is like with her husband. I am so upset for her. I have no idea what to
do. She has three children, and does not work. She also cant work as over the years her health has
deteriorated so much. I have four children of my own and am not in a position to take her in. I want to
help her so badly. She lives in a different state than I do. She is in Illinois. I know that she feels that
she has no where to go and no one can help her. She feels such guilt about not being present with her
children and distraught about their lives and the effect it has on them. It seems to be a vicious cycle that
she cant seem to break free of. PLEASE, if anyone has any words of advice or anything I would
appreciate it, and Im sure she would too. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On 27th Feb 2014 at 07:42 PM Jana said...
what if the mental abuse is not done by a male or female romantic/married relationship? But, rather by
a relative that is female and related by blood, or in-laws? And, what can I do to stop it? I do just want
to run away, and hide from the world.. Or, just go some place and cut-off contact with relatives. Its so
puzzeling to me I just know what to think anymore. Im retire, single, and live totally alone. I have no
car and use taxis to get most places. Relatives will offer help, but it always cost me more than if I pay
a taxi, most of the time. Because I pay them for gas and other things like Lunch, or dinner, or
groceries. I dont mind giving because I have always been that way, even when I know I am being

taken advantage of. Here lately its getting so insane with some things that are happening to me. I
know what I see and experience, but still no one pays me any attention, just think I am cracking up.
Thats the part that hurts most. There is no one who wants to talk to me. I feel so alone and betrayed.
What can I do to protect myself, and maintain my sanity.
On 28th Feb 2014 at 03:16 AM ananoumys please said...
This sounds exactly like what my husband is doing to me right now. And it has led me to self-harm and
suicidal thoughts. I am so scared he will become physically abusive too eventually. I guess you could
say this kind of thing feels normal to me because my father also has used mental,physical,and verbal
abuse on us kids ever since i can remember. Anyway my husband will tell me to leave him alone, but
as soon as he needs anything i better be available! He only has become like this within the last 6
months to a year. Before he has been the most amazing guy. Its killing me inside and he doesnt care
@ all. I love him so much but am getting tired of feeling like a nobody. I havent got the grit to fight
back either. Because i know if i do he will play the victim. I have been nothing but kind to him and he
will fly into a rage and start calling me crazy over nothing! No matter what i do it seems to anger him.
Why do men get these drastic changes in behavior? Do men pms? What can i do to let him know i love
him but the abuse needs to stop?
On 2nd Mar 2014 at 01:56 PM Jennifer said...
My boyfriend of 3 years left on valentines day this year (2014) & said he was going to pick something
up from a friend near where his parents kvived & he would be back early evening, its march 3rd now I
have not see, spoke, or received a text from him he has changed his number & I have since noticed that
he took some important belongings with him when he left like it was planned, I have been doing all the
things you mentioned crazy text, abusive texts to try & get some sort of response how can you say you
love me to death & would do anything for me & just disappear & not talk to me, I spent the first 3 days
crying calling hospitals police checking traffic accidents, till finally his horrible mother answered hr
phone & said he was home but away from the house busy she will get him to call me, HE HASNT!
Anyway by day 8 Saturday a week & 1 day later, I was on my ipad checking emails & forgot he had
linked his new gmail address to my ipad I clicked to delete all the junk & trash emails so they werent
sitting on my ipad, I saw lots of live naughty singles chat sites & thought nothing just thought it was
spam till my eye caught one of them saying hell new user here is your login, so I logged in & he is
online chatting to naughty dirty singles that are all looking for one thing, meet up & have sex, I
checked & checked & checked before I was convinced it was him, the phone number was his the
description was him & the birthdate was him, so not only has he been physically and mentally abusing
me but now after 9 days of unexplained silence he is cheating on me! He has convinced all his family
& friends I am the crazy lost the plot one, & he puts on this cool calm collected fake front it infuriates
me to the point of just finishing myself if it wasnt for hurting my mum & dad I would be dead by now
how can someone Ive invested 3 years in & loved & trust ed & cared do all this. Im depressed I dont
leave the house I hate myself I dont want to love cause I feel so so worthless unloved. Rejected ugly
disgusting fat neglected unwanted & weak.
Tanks for the insight it was like reading my life
On 3rd Mar 2014 at 12:51 AM Cecelia White said...
This happened to me. The outcome was that I became dissociated and had hallucinations. To all outside
appearances, I was the crazy one. And I got to experience all of the bad behaviors that result from
abuse, and people all around me were able to point the finger at me: Yeah, shes the crazy one. Well,
I feel really bad for anyone who is in this lie. I pray that you find the help, someone who will believe
that you were never the problem, that you were so naive, you just couldnt imagine that someone who
claimed to love you could do this to you. The only way I got thru this will any life remaining was

through faith-filled friends at church: my (Catholic) pastor believed me and I was lucky to a good
fellowship group there that showed me that there is still love in life and beauty in the world. Go to
Jesus. God Bless.
On 3rd Mar 2014 at 03:03 PM Bec said...
For days, i have been reading articles about relationships, what things might mean that are happening to
me etcAll things i have read so far, i feel apply to me but at the same time, i feel guilty, i feel like Im
doing wrong by himIm so confused!!!
The last time i talked to my partner was 5 days agoi tried to have a serious conversation with him
about an opportunity that has come up for me, hes not happy because he wouldnt be able to see me
very much, i found him being upset about this to be a complete jokeyou may understand why in a
minute
-We have been seeing each other for almost 4 years now
-We only spend time together on weekends, which is not very much at all, i have tried to make it more,
but get nothing
- He was all nice & sweet in the start, always texting me, talking to me on the phone, wanting to see
me, but extra visits never happened
- I get almost no communication out of him at all, i have tried but i felt like giving up on it as he
doesnt really make an effort..
- I have put in effort with his family the whole time we have been seeing each other, he has only met
my family once & that was at my mothers funeral last year, he hasnt even met my nephews still to this
dayI feel he always makes excuses
-I only get communication from him when he has a funny story from work or a joke to tell me, or if he
wants to go out somewhere with me on the weekend instead of just the usual staying in & watching
movies, which gets very boring after a while
I have been straight up with him about my past, i have been in 2 other emotionally, physically &
sexually abusive relationships before him, i have told him my boundaries, i have told him about my
mental illness, he has seen it.
He says he is always there for me, has always been supportive of me, always listened etc, i honestly
feel like he has been the opposite
I had to go into a psychiatric ward for a couple of months a couple of years back for severe depression,
anxiety, severe panic attacks & psychosis, that whole time in the hospital, i think i saw him twice
Everytime i got upset about something its either Stop crying! or repeatedly asking me whats wrong &
then not understanding it.
One time i was hysterical, sitting in his room crying my eyes out over something that had really hurt
me, he turned his back the whole time & continued to watch tv, i walked out because i felt completely
cut off & ignored, yet i got yelled at for walking out & not saying goodbye
That is definitely not the first time its happened.
When he is drunk & in public with me, with our mates, he has a tendency to humiliate me by saying
something embarrassing & not even caring about saying it.
Everytime i try to speak to him about something Im happy about, or something good thats happened,
or i talk to him about why Im upset coz he has asked, he pauses for a second & then continues on
about how busy he is, how his day is going, a joke from work he heard or something funny he has seen
at work, i feel like my feelings are being dismissed & disregarded, is that right? Im not sure or am i just
going crazy again?
Anytime he has upset me, i need to point it out to let him know, it should never happen in the first place
but i need to put a stop to it then & there, i get yelled out, i get told i shouldnt have gotten upset about

it, there is no remorse, no apology.

I always get put down about my job, because i only work part time & he works full time, Im told i
should have a full time by my age, honestly there has been so many bumps in the road for me, things
have not been easy, i have had struggles like other people, i had to look after myself & take care of
myself & get better before anything because i know i have triggers, i know what they lead to & its a
very fragile & dangerous situation at times
I got assaulted at work a year ago, now Im afraid of people grabbing or touching me, i then in front of
him one night got smacked on the arm by a drunk man & yelled at, he never stood up or defended me,
just watched on, i got freaked out & walked to the bathroom, proceeded to have a massive panic attack
to the point of almost passing out, the only person who checked to make sure i was okay was another
lady who saw it & knew i wasnt okay, i went back out & i got yelled at for it, my partner knew of the
assault, i told him the drunk guy freaked me out, i get told by partner that Im only using the assault as
an excuse & i need to get over it!
I feel like Im ignored as a partner, i feel he has more time for his friends than he has for me, he wont
spend anytime with me during the week because he is tired from work but that doesnt stop him from
seeing or picking up his mates to spend time with them during the week
I feel like he has no empathy towards me whatsoever, every time Im going through a hard time, it
turns into a conversation all about him or he will start bitching about somebody behind their backs to
me I dont say anything coz sadly Im used to it but i also get the Its not all about you thrown at
me. I get no nice compliments, no communication, i dont even get an I love you unless i say it
first
Every struggle he has been through, i have actively made sure Im there to support him, shoulder to cry
on, or if he needs someone to listen to, because i understand what its like to be in those kinda situations
& like to help as i have been helped by so many people myself
I feel like Im only there for when he needs me, like when its at his convenience
The fight we had 5 days ago, well it turned into a fight because i was being completely real with him as
i always am. All i asked was a simple question, i got accused of trying to start an argument with him,
for starting shit again, He got incredibly angry & said he didnt want to talk any more because he just
kept getting increasingly angry & hung up, i feel like i cant even have a grown up adult conversation
with this guy, like i cant fight to make things right for a change & work things out, Im fighting for this
relationship & it seems he is not, i always get the blame for making him feel like he is always in trouble
& for making him look like an assholeIt makes me question thingsis it just me? or is he really
acting like an asshole?
I have so much more to write, i think this may be enough though to get the gist of things
Is it okay for me to question if he has narcissistic or controlling/ manipulating tendencies & is giving
me the complete silent treatment?
Im not so sure in myself, i always doubt my thinkingI feel lost
Bec.
On 7th Mar 2014 at 01:33 PM Kiara said...
Ex-husband did each and every thing exactly as you have described it.
Finally i have put the puzzle together, have understood the underlying reasons for his behavior.
Thank you and Thank God i dumped him.
Now Im happy,hes an abuser and I never ever have to look back.

Thank you.
On 9th Mar 2014 at 04:29 PM sonia downey said...
I also had this same treatment - it got so bad I lost the use of my legs - doctor asked me what stresses
were going on in my life when he found nothing physically wrong - thats the day my life changed - I
knew I had to get out - when we split, he wasnt happy to see me walking again - I told him that I could
now RUN!! Ladies - dont give up and above all - get out!!!
On 12th Mar 2014 at 04:53 AM Jeff said...
My ex Fiance Sarah happens to be an Expert at using the Silent Treatment to get her way. She will act
like shes sweet and kind one day, then cold and uncommunicative for weeks at a time. Its ridiculous,
but its over. Loving her makes no difference, hating her wont either. Forgetting she exists and
walking away and giving her the Silent Treatment forever is my only choice now. I can Honestly
say she doesnt deserve ME. ANY of Me. She doesnt deserve Love from anybody. Shes an
Emotional Vampire masquerading as an innocent Victim. Men arent the only ones who abuse. I
actually resent the fact that women seem to get all the excuses to say theyre Victims when 50% of the
time they instigate and bring the drama on themselves It takes 2 to Tango. Thanks to my ex our
family is Destroyed, our kids are crushed, my head is a mess, and I kinda, think women are total shit..
so I guess she wins..sortof. News Flash.. Nobody Wins.
On 13th Mar 2014 at 06:22 AM leigh said...
Awesome article. I am in a painful sick twisted product, of my husband.
I have no strength I dont know how to sort all this mess he left in my head.
IF YOU ARE SEARCHING AND THINK THAT IT CHANGES. 20 years later , GET OUT IF YOU
HAVE ANY DOUBT, THIS IS A BRUTAL WAY TO ADAPT, UNDERSTANDING THAT ITS NOT
AN ILNESS YOU CAN MAKE THE FEW LEFT UNDERSTAND, YOU DO EVERTHING YOU
CAN TO UNDERSTAND THAT IT ISNT an"OBSESSION its lonely,ITS MATRIMONIAL
TERRORISM, PRISIONER of WAR he cast on you!
I CANT TELL YOU ANYTHING GREAT, I DO HAVE MY THOUGHTS THAT I SPEND ALL DAY
RECORD PLAYING STUFF,IT SUCKS WHEN IT STARTS RHYMING,CAT IN THE HAT.
I am ashamed and scared that important people, are they going to judge.? MY kids are the reason, I still
have hope thats how I ended up here.
THANK YOU FOR SHARING this informative info. Its been almost TWO YEARS he has left me to
serve a penance of the echoing, silence 4 years of cutting me off of ill be super generous adult
affection. This tiny little bit, has taken just over an hour.
ARE THERE SUPPORT GROUPS THAT ACKNOWLDGE THIS form of ABUSE? A HUMAN
PERSON THAT CAN POSSIBLY RELATE.
I think this is the best place ive been in a while. Thank you for sharing!
Leigh
On 17th Mar 2014 at 12:25 PM Brenda Douglas said...
I am a woman and I have been married for 13 years and what I am reading is so true to form until it has
almost scared me to death ...This was truly meant for me to read right when I saw it I am searching the
net like crazy trying to find out why my husband wont talk to me at I see some of you say its been 2
weeks or 4 weeks my husband does not talk to me well daily if we say 5 words to each other we are

doing well because most days he wont talk at all ...I have all but begged him to talk to me he knows
its one of my favorite pass times ....I have thought so many times what have I done I dont go out any
more and I am totally drained he does not work he does nothing but eat sleep lay in the bed watch
TV ...He claims to have Chronic depression he has been sexually abused his parents were Holocaust
survivors he wont go and see about him self he was raised in a very poor situation ...how ever what
really makes me feel that he knows what he is doing is the fact that he has a Bachelor of Phychology
Degree and is well informed ..I have asked why did he major in Phychology he says just always
interested he what makes the mind workMind you now he never did anything with the Degree but it
just really lets me feel that he knows how to play the game ....I have kept wondering really for the past
2 years what the hell is wrong with me ..In 2010 I had a stroke and I am fine now Thank God but I
thought what was wrong with me was after effects from that ....Then I started to get very depressed was
taking antidepressents well I had my Mom and Dad here with me taking care of them they passed away
and things have gotten even worse they are the worst of the worst ....he went back to school and got a
teaching degree after teaching for 3 and half years he quit has not worked sense and wont talk about it
its like he gets upset if you mention it ...people think I am acting the way I do because of the passing
of my Mom and Dad ..I dont think so this man is bad and I look at him sometimes and all that I read in
this article and your replys I see and feel in him all to well ...I want out before I am any more damaged
goods ...I dont know how yet but I want out he is not getting any better and I think this is as good as
its going to get Silent in Las Vegas ...
On 17th Mar 2014 at 09:45 PM Van said...
Ive been going through this since September, I have gone through everyhthing described above,asking
questioning reprimanding myself , just trying to cope each day with this behaviour i do not
understand. Thank God i took my fone and tyed the words men who withdraw silence and found this
article.
I am not to blame. I am a strong person and a good person. I have not fought back. but he continues to
take me on a rollercoaster, not telling me anything. but he promises me love and togetherness. then he
stops talking. I want to give up.
He is supposed to be a good man
On 19th Mar 2014 at 03:53 PM shay19817 said...
I think Im going through this its so confusing to me. I have taken a lot of abuse in my life from being
sexally abused by my father to physically abused by men.Now with a man of 3 years with 9 month old
and Im losing my mind. When I first met him he treated me like a princess he cared he was nice. After
we moved in together it changed. so we have been living together 3 years he in 3 years has never
complimented me on any thing he doesnt and havent in 3 years really touched me in an intimate way
when I ask him to compliment me or just treat as though Im special and not as something he only
needs for a fill up every now and than but he ignores me he laughs when I cry. Dont get me wrong I
have never fully trusted him but when we found out I was pregnant 2 weeks he decided not to come
home one night after work told me the cops picked him up for a warrant 4 hours later came home I
believed him a year later I found out he spent all our money and went out to gamble and do drugs. He
sent dirty pictures of him self to other females he didnt know 1 week before we moved in together. So
needless to say I have struggled with trusting him and I have accused him of doing chatting and have
doubted him so now its my fault the relationship is like this. I use to be fun loving out going happy
since being with him I dont even have a friend since 3 years. When I tell him I need to be loved to I
want to be touched sexally or for him to even once say Im beautiful he says Im to needy tells me he
scared to go to work or even answer his phone or I will accuse him of something. I feel like Im lost
and alone I love this man so much and I have been waiting 3 years for him to love me and still no
change I just want the person back I fell in love with 3.5 years ago but I belive that that man was a lie

to rope me in since he has gotten me he really gives me nothing in return. I love him I give and do
everything for him and never does he say your great. He goes to work and makes money Im on
maternity off in 6 weeks back to work. But Im seriously about to take what ever blame he wants to
give me for this relationship and leave everything and walk away . When ever I bring up he yells tells
me it over and its my fault for not trusting than ignores me or anything I have to say about the
relationship always when he ends it and we start talking about something other than us he turns nice but
if I talk about us he goes to bed or says he is gonna leave I cant take it anymore he has no idea how is
is hurting. Is this abuse or is it my fault because I have accused him of cheating be for u dont know
what to do
On 20th Mar 2014 at 04:11 AM YP said...
I cannot thank enough for this article. I was and am a bad victim of this silent abuse. I felt exactly the
same way this article reflects and now I can related to it. My partner is the case of child abuse and now
he is putting that negativity on me even though I almost lost everything i had for him. Not worth :(. I
will fight back against my depression and will cut off completely from this abuser
On 24th Mar 2014 at 03:32 AM Mimi said...
Omg. When I read this, everything started to make so much more sense. Its so accurate. I was in the
dark the whole time. My mom is exactly like that. She ignores me, and she always, whenever talking to
her friends on the phone or at their house, complain about me and I dont even know what I did. All her
friends hate me. They suggest my mom to send me to a foster house or something. Everyone feels pity
for her. Its all just like you said. Its been 3 years about it and Im going crazy. I have all the symptoms
of the true victim except I dont do serious self-harm, I used to but not now. But I pluck my hair
sometimes, and have all symptoms of depression. I have no friends or anything. There are more reasons
for these symptoms of mine. I went through mental trauma when I was 13-14. I never told/will never
tell anyone because its too embarrassing.
On 25th Mar 2014 at 03:03 AM Nina said...
I find this article very interesting. I do agree that in some cases the silent treatment is given as a form of
punishment or abuse. However, I also have to add that not all silent treatments are given intentionally
as a form of abuse. For instance when someone hurts my feelings ( cheats on me or lies to me) I shut
down at first. I am not able to talk to that person that caused me pain.It takes me time to get over the
hurt and to be able to speak to the person again. Does this make me an abuser?
On 30th Mar 2014 at 07:57 PM June said...
My children, particularly the eldest are good at dishing out mental abuse. Its been going on for years.
Today has opened my eyes. No contact on Mothers Day. Nothing. They happily take my help, advice
and all that I offer as a loving, caring mother and grandmother but when it comes to effort from
them.....nothing. Today has changed things for me. I now see this behaviour as abuse because of the
way it has made me feel today and I no longer buy into it. Thank you for letting me share the insights
on this site.
On 1st Apr 2014 at 11:30 AM Amur said...
I am in a relationship like this my hubby will not answer my calls shuts me out ignores me for weeks
on end makes me feel like the abuser and so alone!
On 2nd Apr 2014 at 11:02 PM patti said...
After 14 yrs of silent abuse I left. He told me children I was on drugs. That I cheated. Countless

horrible other things about me that werent true. My children who were going bacl and forth from our
homes starting getting angry with me because he was crying and I was strong. I love my children. He
begged and after 7 mths I went back. It wad worse then ever and he made me look worse then ever. It
b has gotten better. The physical violence has stopped. I showed my daughter tuis article. She told me
it was my fault for hiding it from her. No one gets that it was hos fault for doing it in the first place. I
will die from either suicide when I have had so much I cant hold on any longer (only reason I havent
yet is my children) or from him causing a car accident with his extreme road rage. I am sure the later Is
jot far off. it will be 20 yrs in october. I am too tired to try to leave again.
On 9th Apr 2014 at 05:00 AM paul said...
why does it say he women do this to men!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On 14th Apr 2014 at 11:23 PM jessica said...
my mum has done it to me all my life, my ex did as well - i thought it was normal the way he treated
me after being brought up by her. i got myself out of the relationship after 3 and a half years and moved
back with my mum, shes not physical just mental he was both but shes probably worse because people
knew what he was like, im 23 and shes still doing it now ive only just told people and no one believes
me they make me feel guilty and make it out to be my fault. apparently its disgusting the way i get
angry at her for the fact they were both having sex with eachother behind my back while we all lived
together. i dont ever speak about this but she ruined my dad before this and now its happening to my
brother who i care to much about so i need to start doing something
On 17th Apr 2014 at 05:01 AM Debbie said...
I cant believe what i just read. It is as if i wrote about my own life. I thought I was crazy, i tried to take
my own life. And i am still so angry at him that i am still in the text terrorism phase. Anything he says
or does can set me off. I used to be so optimistic and happy and now I feel like an empty shell. I really
thought i lost my mind and that i was to blame at least somewhat. He has already moved on to his next
victim. Right out of my house into hers. I am sure he has done the same in past relationships and it is
due to his father physically abusing his mother. I didnt realize what was happening to me. I am done
being his victim. I cant allow him to steal anymore of my life. 8 years is long enough and we have a
beautiful little boy. We share custody but i will no longer tak his calls or give in to the urge to text
meaningless hate because it makes no difference to him and only takes away from me. I am deserving
of love and affection and to be with a man that will give me the time and respect I deserve. Thank you
so much for helping me see what happened to me. I know now i dont need answers from him as to why
but i need to answer to myself and stop allowing him to interfere in my life. I am glad he is gone but
now to conquer the cutting off of all ties, texts and unnecessary arguements and conversations that do
not pertain to our son,
On 23rd Apr 2014 at 07:37 PM Kathryn said...
THANKYOU for this site, I am a victim of family violence, mental, verbal and physical abuse for the
past 6 years. It took becoming a mother for me to say no more. Hearing my newborn baby scream in
fear was the moment my strength kicked in.
I have an intervention order on my husband and am about to defend his legal advances for custody of
our baby.
He shows no remorse for any of his cruelty. He is also a serial cheater, engaging in several long term
relationships at a time. I became aware of 2 long term affairs during my pregnancy when my baby was
only 3 mths old.
I feel comforted by the sharing here, as I too have become irrational during the silent treatment and

send endless text messages to him HOPING he will see my pain and Care but all it does is give him
something to show people that Im Crazy texting him so much.
I have sought counselling and understand the domestic violence cycle a lot better now. I am trying to
regain my happy self I was before this relationship.
I just pray the legal system supports me, as he can be very charming and convincing. He threatened to
kill my unborn baby when I was 8mths pregnant, and threatened to kill me when I told him I would
take my 12day old baby away from his abuse cycle.
Current affairs are focused on domestic violence at the moment following several murders by
perpetrators of family violence of their victims.
I will do anything I can to protect my son from being the next victim in this cycle of domestic abuse.
My heart goes out to all people caught in the cycle. Unless it is experienced, it is hard for people on the
outside to understand why we stayed.
Hopefully sharing our stories can give us the strength to get out for good.
Warmest regards and best wishes to u all.
On 30th Apr 2014 at 01:48 AM patricia said...
i have been with my now fiancee for almost 4 years.i seen red flags yet i ignored them thinking he just
could not make it without me.first he hit and choked me when i tried to leave his home before i moved
in and threw my keys in the snow then i called my daughter and she had to bring my spare key.but by
then he begged me into talking to him.later 6 months we moved to apartment together and his ex sister
n law came to where we were working and said she was taking the grandkids to see her,i ask by not
meaning anything what kind of person she was and how old the kids were as his mom was on meds that
were narcotic.rite after that he screamed at me and loudly so all could here him and started saying i was
trying to get him to talk bad about her.i new what was next but id never been with nobody who treated
me that way and i did not know how to deal or what to say except that was not the truth and it was
about meds.i started getting my stuff and he started throwen them out the door curen my daughteras she
seen him hit me again.then he wouldn get his tools out of my car,that was a way he kept me in his
control was using my car for storage and he had 4.he blacked my eye and face and scrached me up and
someone called police.they took him to jail.long story short i went back and he has never hit me
again.he does worse.the silent treatment.neglects me and ignores me altogether.from a few days to now
a week.always saying im crazy when i ask if he wants out and says it all in my head.i tell him mabee
we should go seperate ways and he says no im wonderful but my daughter and two grandkids moved in
til taxes and its always something about her and the kids that are 4 and 5.he gets mad at my daughter
says she is lazy and doing me wrong so he punishes me for it.now admitts he abuses me because of
others if he gets mad.but when i say something to her he acts like im lying or wrong.then he is happy
for a day or two then blink of a eye he is mad.he goes to work comes home and goes to bed and i take
his food and drink in there and go get it 3 times a day on weekends.if he is mad enuf he wont eat
now.he pee,s in a jug in bedroom so he dont have to come out.wont shower until morning time to go to
work.latly he says he dont want to come home and his sister says we should make my girl move.but he
only talks to his sister at work not in front of me.so there is no telling what he tells them.but my
daughter does everything he ask her to that was supose to b making him mad.but still he finds
things.and we all walk on eggshells.even the kids because they cant play and be normal.we constantly
have to quiet them or else.when i told him to be man enuf to tell me when he wants to leave and not
just not come home then says he aint going without me.that me and him will up and leave..my daughter
wants out but is waiting for her taxes.she cant please him.and if he gets mad at her he treats me so
bad.he dont talk to me either unless its about him.but when i talk he has yelled in front of my daughter

and said damn you never hush.talk talk talk.i use to cry all time and he,d say sorry then now he wont
allow me to cry.if i do he punishes me.he puts words in my mouth that aint true.blames me when its
him.im sick ritenow and going threw alot but he dont ever say nothing or ask what the dr is doing for
me and my problem.but he went and he tells me.we have sex in the morning when and only when he
wants to.but puts no effert in it.i dread it now and i think he does.the happy lady he met 4 years
ago.younger to,im 43 he is 55.im now sickly and a mental mess and i cant explain to anyone because i
dont know how to.ive never been with a man like this but i know he treated his ex the same.so i think
he would anyone.he will walk away when im still talking.go to bed without saying goodnight when he
is in a ok mood and is in the living room.blames it on my daughter that he has to stay in his
room.swears he loves me and is still faithful but ive noticed many things.and i have caught him in a
few lies.at this time im scared of going to bed,to see what he will say or will he turn over and play
asleep.i want out but i dont know how to anymore.i feel worthless and all my money is in his bank.i
had a good job and made good money paid vacations,bought him close shoes belts boots
everything.rings not cheap.but when it ended now i wont go to work til september this year.he buys my
stuff but gripes bout everything.but was no problem when i was paying bills by myself.he didn work
for a year and half.its got way worse sense he went to work.i know he aint going to change and i think
he is as miserable as me.so why cant he tell me and we can end it.ive begged him to.i dont want people
thinking he sacrificing for my girl and her 2 kids to be here.she works and helps to.leaves every
weekend with her kids.he wont let me babyset them only while she works until i go to work.i feel
broken down and need help.please can you give me advice.i see all these others who is in the same
boat.why cant we just go.
On 10th May 2014 at 05:20 AM Nicole said...
I Have been with my boyfriend for over a year. I love him. Im going through the silent treatment
now. It hurts like hell. He didnt sleep in the bed with me last night. I honestly dont know exactly
why he is not talking to me. I asked him he said if you dont know I dont know he does this
routinely I dont like it. I want to leave. My heart aches, the first time he gave me the silent treatment I
begged him and cried now I know better yea it still hurts but Im. Not giving him the satisfaction. I say
things to him if needed but Im not kissing. His but no no well dont know how long this treatment will
last I should just pack my things and move on cause it will happen again he has no respect for me
On 10th May 2014 at 12:23 PM Becky said...
I suppose Ive come on here to help me deal with the pyslogical crap in my relationship. As I dont
know where to turn too. I have been in a relationship with my partner for just over a year. Things
wasnt right from the get go, and I question myself why didnt I throw the towel in then! Anyway I took
her away paid for everthing as she didnt work at that time. Then bigger cracks started appear she
would put me down comment on my tattoos, And snidy digs about my image Now shes a very
stunning girl whi grabs alk the attention, and this she knows. We constantly break up and I go
running back to her because shes made me feek so worthless about myself, Im this big secret in her
life. its as if she wants all from me and if she doesnt feel like shes getting that then once again Im
put down, She could have anyone she liked. But shes admitted something isnt right with her and has
seeked medical advice which they have said shes got a personality disorder. My friends and family
can see what she is doing but how can I walk away? We split for a week no contact then she messaged
apologising saying all the pain shes has caused me, how much she loves me . And I took her back
thinking finally shes realised. Whithin 2 days Im back to square one. Uts so frustrating
heartbreakibg and soul destroying, My head us just a pile of broken biscuits
On 10th May 2014 at 08:47 PM musarrat said...
Plz help me my sister in law is playing same game with me she is making my depresion worst by

ignoring me with silent abuse what i should do she can feel my stress when she ignores she play a
master game.as my daughter has same school with her son from that day she acting like this.
On 12th May 2014 at 10:49 AM Jan said...
Silent treatment is the worst because it is so deliberate and premeditated, perverse if you ask me. I
went out with somebody like that. First four months were great, constant contact and then suddenly,
silence. No more calls and texts and no explanation either. Nearly went out of my mind thinking he had
been in an accident. Despite being advised by a friend not to, I went back to him after a whole week
and that set the trend for the two years I was with him - long distance relationship, I may add. He was
always going back and forth, hot to cold. Happened once too when we were both on separate holidays.
Disappeared for two weeks and left me wondering, and wham, just as I was giving up on him, back he
came and so on and so forth. I am writing this as just recently, I heard from as he learned I was in a
difficult professional situation. It was a nice enough text but I did not reply because I did not want to
give him the chance to ignore me again. And it brought memories flooding back of all the times that I
would just have loved to have heard from him, and he deliberately ignored me. Is there anything as bad
as being ignored by somebody who knows that you would love to hear from them? I lost sleep over
him but I bet he never did. I would not want to go back down that road again for love or money. I
totally agree, silence is about control, it is mean and manipulating until you break the cycle. I also think
it shows a kind of silent anger and resentment and you become the target for it, for no other reason than
you put up with it. Significantly, when he broke up with me, it was by text, that says it all, lack of
empathy, lack of caring and so utterly selfish. No, I am not ignoring him or giving him the silent
treatment, just staying in a safe place.
On 13th May 2014 at 10:17 AM Mrs Hardcastle said...
I have had this from my father all my life. Whenever I displeased him or said anything with which he
disagreed, he would give this treatment, until he decided that the time was right to talk again. Once, he
didnt speak to me for eighteen months. As an adult, I have been unable to function and each day is a
struggle. Any little remark by another will become a whole load of criticism or rejection. I suffer
anxiety and depression. My mother died when I was twelve but this isnt the worst thing that happened
to me: the worst thing was having such an unsupportive and selfish father. Counselling doesnt help
with this: it is easy to intellectualise the issue, but how do you take away such entrenched feelings?
On 13th May 2014 at 10:19 AM Mrs Hardcastle said...
I should have said that your article is marvellous and it has taken me until now (I am 57) to realise that
there is nothing wrong with me and I do deserve love and affection. Again, though, it is hard to
overcome entrenched feelings, and I dont know how to do it.
On 16th May 2014 at 12:28 AM katie said...
Again I failed to leave thinking it would end and Id be strong wow this I s kicking my ass. I feel like
Im stuck in a cage with no one but a wall to talk to ( him) being the wall. Well last night he ignored my
sadness when I told him I may go to kail when I go to court in the morning cause he makes everything I
say about him being the victim hes always a victim its weird how he doesnt even express sadness but
last night I told him hes free hope he lives the way he wants and he threatened me with his fist so now
its becoming more dangerous and Ive had it. Hope u all are stronger than me .
On 26th May 2014 at 05:05 PM Liz said...
I am going through a difficult time. Leaving and silent treatment have been a part of my relationship
for the whole 12 years of it, I should have seen the signs at the beginning but ignored them, I was in
love. Recently, periods of silent treatment have become the norm, lasting up to a week or more, when I

try to discuss the issues, its always my fault, how he perceives me to have treated him with a whole
bunch of personal insults about me, how inadequate I am and picks on weak points in my past (like I
have mental issues because my Mum does). When I finally spout off after trying to have a discussion
and after the usual its all your fault and the way I have treated him, I get angry and feel a huge sense of
rejection and I find this hard to deal with. My husband deprives me of an sexual contact and is in every
way cold and heartless in his dealings with me. It bothers me that our daughter picks up on this and
will b affected in the future. When he is away, which is quite regular the household takes on a much
more relaxed feeling and everyone is happy. I am at the end of my tether, my older children see what is
going on, they are 22 and 18 and we talk about it sometimes. To the outside world he is mostly
considered a normal guy although he has been known to continue silent treatment towards me on social
occasions, he now continues to do so but will at least converse with the people we are socialising with.
I feel worthless, unattractive, disrespected and unhappy. I am a strong character and I believe he wants
to control me as much as he can. I feel life is slipping away, all I want is love, affection and some
respect. I believe that this is now impossible to achieve. My thoughts are turning to getting advice
from a solicitor.
On 26th May 2014 at 11:02 PM Fred said...
Theresa, this is a nice article and describes my current situation to a T. Except the he is a she.
Womren do this shit too, a lot.
On 3rd Jun 2014 at 03:29 AM DONNA OBREMSKI said...
Thank you for this,i have tried to explain to people what i go through by angering him in ways most
people do not get angry, HE WILL LITERALLY PUT UP IN FINGERS THE AMOUNT
OF"WEEKS"HE WILL NOT ACKNOWLEDGE ME FOR AND WILL ACTUALLY shun me when
i walk in the room, dont care except for the fact we have kids and i have no access to my bank
account so, i have a bigger story than this but am tired and need to go to bed now.
On 10th Jun 2014 at 06:31 PM Danny said...
I hear u other man that their girlfriends threat them this way and I read this article very carefully and it
irritates me that its being strictly made out to be the man that is the typical abuser I have been married
for 10 years and in the beginning I do not push my wife to go out and work call me old fashioned but I
supported my family happily with only my income without any hesitation and the biggest smile on my
face when my wife is pregnant with my first child she would always cry to me that she wanted to work
which I felt was unnecessary and when she had my daughter she never went out and look for work and
when she became pregnant with my second child she did the same thing she cried to me that you
wanted to work but with my work it wasnt easily done with your parents working and she was
breastfeeding and when they were done being breastfed she began to make excuses and never look for
work and after nine years she finally gets a job when my job I get for 19 years became extinct and what
I knew for 19 years 1000 and no experience doing anything else and the job she works at now she got
to Cal works she didnt find the job herself and now shes on her high horse I had a place with my sister
even though she was really need to ask you were still together as a family and she caused a problem
that caused this do you have to leave the house and she decided to go back to your families which she
knew I do not like and wasnt comfortable leaving due to the fact that her family attacks me verbally
and repeatedly tells me that Im on the bottom of the latter and that I have to prove myself to them what
kind of s*** is that they told me in front of her that Ive never worked a day in my life in all Ive ever
did was collect welfare and she stood by and said nothing when he knew the truth and made me feel
like everything I did a 2 to 10 years what is never done by one person and only one person which with
me I had nobody help me I do not live in a house with the other people who are making income to help

pay for one house scene I struggled in did it by myself neglecting my needs and give in to their knees
what you expected of a man and a husband and a father who loves their family boat was belittled by his
wife and her family rehab now this year apart and she had no problem when her family do not want me
in their home because I spoke up against em and release my anger under front door beating the s***
out of it and taking it off its frame when they only speak Spanish and my wife speaks English and
Spanish as well as I do I was talking to my wife in Spanish so that they could hear what I was saying
about this situation with my sister she knowing that they dont speak English started to get aggressive
with your words in speaking English did not know what was being said that they heard The that tone in
her voice and immediately attacked me I later became to realize that my wife and her family are
narcissists and think that they dont have to learn English and that I am stupid and then when I speak
two languages and all this that I have bread is me today that is me being the victim hes barely held a
job for one year and it is about to end in September in a few months and she must now go out and look
for her another job by herself I must say that I have not been able to get back into working industry
although I am hired with a 10 and they said they are looking for a warehouse for me to working but its
been a month and a half and because of my past work history no one wants to hire me because my
skills have no potential or no interest in there working environment she has ignored me constantly
abusing me mentally physically to where I have became aggressive verbally abuse her I am no longer
happy and only seem to be mad when Im around her and no matter how much I tell her instead of her
ignoring me to respond yeah he ignores me and it just feels my rage and I start saying things that I
regret and it makes me look like the monster that I had laid dormant for many years before I married
her she has brought up this monster game and is much too strong for me to put back to sleep I miss my
kids I miss my family I miss my wife but she keeps me from all of them my new I need it is true
ignoring is more abusive than physical abuse you can use the mind it depresses the person it turns them
into something that one should never be define them and make them the other thing in the world why
they refused kid knowledge that they are are there booster unnessei to work
On 11th Jun 2014 at 12:22 PM XYZ said...
I also am going through the same treatment at present. My husband has a habit of doing this to me
often ..last time it lasted for 7 months together, until I cried and asked him to stop it.
But now, although, very painful, I am used to it. I also get along with my daily routine as if nothing has
happened.
I have started enjoying life on my own, I do what ever makes me happy and ignore his behavior.
After all, life is too good to be wasted on such people and behavior.
On 12th Jun 2014 at 04:41 AM Amanda said...
My mother did this to me, from a few hours to a few days as I got older. Reading your article helped
me realise that this punishment was the worst. During these periods I was allowed anywhere in the
house but I would spend a lot of time in my bedroom reading as that felt most comfortable. I felt a lot
of hate towards my mother as well as feelings of being totally alone. It definitely achieved the effect
my mother wanted. I was very sorry for whatever I had done to cause this state of affairs. I felt very
bad about myself.
From her I could feel her absolute enjoyment that she had control of me And also she herself didnt
even look bad. It was at these times that I felt her true feeling (almost a hatred) of me.
Once she broke the silence by buying me a cheap trinket box, into which she put a religious verse, cut
from the newspaper. It was supposed to make me wake up to my badness.
The woman was a complete b****. I still have so many feeling of anger and sadness to feel. Then Ill
be able to forgive her.

 On 17th Jun 2014 at 09:33 PM flora said...

ive been through a similar situation as juliahow are you doing now?
On 23rd Jun 2014 at 12:48 PM Sherri said...
My husband can be very affectionate and caring but when we argue he doesnt talk to me he started
abusing me verbally then 2 years into the relationship he slapped me then after that he tried to strangle
me I took both our boys and my older son from previous marriage and went to a refuge took an avo he
got some respected elders involved and promised he will never hit me again after a failed first marriage
I wanted to try work our problems out and gave him another chance he got counceling and stopped the
physical abuse but every time we argued he would ignore me and showed no affection while I cried and
didnt eat he would happily go on with everything like nothing was wrong today after an argument he
spat on my face so I slapped him and he kicked me so hard I fell flat on my face he later told my mum
he didnt kick hard I fell and all day Ive been crying his not apologised he just talks to me when he
needs to i can relate to this article his actions and giving me silent treatment messed me up so badly
that I text him saying yes I deserved everything his done to me he didnt even reply I know I dont
deserve any of it I know I have to leave him yet here I am feeling worthless and waiting for him to say
sorry I know he wont Im hurting soo much I have a mother who has dementicia thati care for and our
baby boy Whois 2 yrs old has mild autism I clean cook and look after everyone yet nobody appreciates
or cares about me Im a totall wreck and have no support from family everyone of our friends think my
husband is very caring and loving because he does nice things in front of them I need help ....sherri
On 23rd Jun 2014 at 11:30 PM Cate said...
This has happened to me twice. Both times the man has mentioned having been mistreated in childhood
by one or both parents, possibly the victim of the silent treatment himself. Not for me to fix.
If the man remains silent forever, the woman eventually moves on. Life finds a way. But no, these men
always know when to come back; they break the silence just in time.
I am on day 10 of being ignored. I dont care how he justifies himself. This is simply NOT how a
gentleman behaves!
On 25th Jun 2014 at 06:31 PM Mandy said...
It happened to me - the longest period of ignoring was 14 months after an argument which he started.
It had been going on (and off) for five years previously to that. And included using my teenage
daughter as his escort, taking her hand and walking into social engagements and restaurants whilst I
was walking behind them, getting her drinks whilst forgetting to ask me what I want. Complete denial
of the fact that he was at fault even although our counsellor told him that it was abuse. We only went to
the counsellor because I suggested it. In front of the children and friends and family everything was
normal, back in our bedroom or alone, he ignored me, didnt tell me family news, refused to touch or
speak to me. I am not the type to self-harm or beg, I ignored it as best I could and was grateful when it
ceased. We only had a social life when it ceased. He made himself unavailable emotionally, physically
and socially for years. He thought he was in charge of my happiness and found out to his utter shock
that I was having an affair - driven to it by the need to have someone who was interested in me and
who cared for me, and who would touch me. And then he had the cheek to cry when I left him and
he carried on, even after deciding to get a divorce he put a programme on my computer that he could
access remotely to follow my activities. It was all a control game. And then when I left the house he
sat with the children at his side and watched me pack and carry all my possessions out of the house the original Scarlet Woman, and he made sure the children understood whose fault it was - he told them
I broke up our family.
On 15th Jul 2014 at 05:11 AM jillian brynn said...

i dated someone who broke it off with me like this. well, first he texted me (after we had spoken on the
phone for over an hour - it was long distance at the time as he was spending some time abroad) that he
is seeing someone now and then that was it. he never mentioned her to me but i discovered he actually
had a plan to be with her which is why he left. he kept me hanging around for 4 months, never
mentioning her to me. later he told everyone that he and i were just friends. he even forwarded some of
my emails to his friend who replied calling me crazy, etc. he told me that my ex called me weak which
makes me so angry. whats weak is ignoring your feelings and ignoring the other persons need for
closure. it was the most difficult thing ive ever had to endure, i became suicidal and i self mutilated. i
lost fifteen pounds because i became so upset i couldnt eat. i couldnt sleep and i had severe crying fits
and moments of intense rage. after a lot of therapy, im doing better, but it has made trying to date again
a nightmare. if i dont hear from the other person soon enough, i begin to think they are simply going to
ignore me and i get flashbacks and go back into the same state i was in before. i havent experienced
any other types of abuse, but i know that this type is dreadful. its difficult too because many of my
loved ones simply did not understand. just get over it. but not being able to have any sort of closure,
no explanations as to why he did what he did, why he lied and hurt me so badly, it drove me very
literally insane. i very much hate him. people always talk about forgiveness but ive read new research
about how you dont always have to forgive to move on. i will never, ever forgive him. i wish him luck
in finding better ways to deal with his emotional weaknesses, mostly for the sake of the other women
he tries to date, but i will never forgive him.
On 19th Jul 2014 at 06:18 PM deb said...
verbal/emotional abuse
1. The scars never heal.
2. Once you leave it, really leave it, you know without a doubt, you will never allow the total disrespect
from a so-called human being again in this lifetime.
3. Breatheyou have been let out of prison.
On 25th Jul 2014 at 05:31 PM Mark said...
I am a man who is experiencing the silent treatment from a woman who I love and cherish very much
- for several months now. And it has been completely and totally devastating to me. She wont talk, she
wont respond to emails, totally ignoring me, even though she knows I love her and care about her so
much.
To top it all off, I am home bound disabled, and Ive known this woman for about 2 years. She is
extremely attractive. Apparently, she finds lonely guys like me on Craigslist, comes into our lives, then
screws us over big time. She came into my life, and lavished all this attention on me and made me feel
very special. She wanted to build an addition onto my house to be closer to me; wanted to put a camper
in my driveway to be closer to me; wanted to rent an apartment here in town to be closer to me. One
time she wanted me to move to Florida with her.
Shes been here 3 times, and plays games, mind games, head games, and others including sexual
temptation games.
Over the course of 2 years, I seriously deluded myself into believing that she had feelings for me, too. I
fell in love with her over time, but I was just a game to her. Meant nothing to her.
And now shes been in silent mode for the past several months. Am I angry? Yes. Am I bitter? Yes.
Have I said things to her out of anger and extreme frustration with her silence and shunning? Yes I
have. Can you blame me? I sure hope not.
On 25th Jul 2014 at 06:34 PM Mark said...

I am admittedly very angry with the woman is who has been totally silent and shunning me for months
now. She knows exactly what she is doing too. She knows it hurts me, and has been devastating to me.
She also knows how to end it: call me and talk, but she wont do it.
Unlike some others on here, I have begged. I have begged and pleaded and even groveled for her to end
this silent game of hers; all to no avail. I swallowed my pride because I love her. What a waste, eh?
On 28th Jul 2014 at 02:17 AM Sean said...
I have suffered this abuse for years from my now ex girlfriend. She was evil and almost left me with
nothing not even my manhood. I didnt feel like a man. She took all that away from me by slowly
chipping away at my life.
It was this article that made me wake up to myself and my ugly situation some months ago. It was also
comments from everyone that helped me. I could relate to them all man or woman to a degree.
I managed to salvage a lot more than had i not of read it. I got out of that relationship and i have saved
my life, my home, my job, family and friends. I understand this article well and this article has helped
me get out of an abusive situation. I felt relieved that someone out there understood.
Man or woman, we have all suffered the same abuse and I do not hold every woman responsible for my
ex girlfriend. I do not hold the writer of this article responsible for my ex girlfriend either. I dont care if
it was written by a possum in a tree as long as this method of abuse we have all suffered, is recognized
and helps us move forward and get out of abusive relationships. This article does just that. Once we
know its abuse, it makes it a lot easier to do something about it.
I for one as a man do not take offence because its written by a woman and it doesnt say HE or HIM.
Those few men who have a problem with it just want to have a go at the writer because she is a woman.
Its someone to have a go at because they are raging at women for the abuse they went through. Isnt that
abuse in itself? Isnt that the very substance or part of the abuse we suffered that we are so against? So
why are some men adamant on attacking a perfectly good article just because its written by a woman
who suffered extreme child hood abuse and went on to be abused by a man?
If those men complaining feel so strongly about it, why are they here complaining and not setting up
websites and using their time to write such a good article for men? If you havent used your time to do it
then dont complain at a woman because she did and you didnt.
Kind regards to everyone who has posted because it has helped me alot MAN OR WOMAN.
Not every man is an abuser and not every woman is an abuser and i as a man recognize that. No excuse
for some of the mens posts because I dont see them posting an article so men like me can post in an all
male site.
May we all find a way forward and find peace
Sean G
On 28th Jul 2014 at 04:42 AM deb said...
I think it is very important that men are posting as well as women. Certainly, there are both male and
female abusers. Sean made some very important points about people attacking the writer on here. I
have actually seen the same thing on regular sites where people comment on the internet about things
that have nothing to do with abuse but commenters attack commenters. I just wish all the people in the
world would treat each other like the golden rule.
On 2nd Aug 2014 at 07:54 AM Dianne said...

I am 55, he is 53. We knew each other for several years before beginning a 3 year relationship. A very
gentle man, who spoke with such a kind voice, lots of friends and everybody loves him for his gentle
nature. He slowly and cleverly manipulated me without me even realising it. He had such control of
my emotions and I just seemed to love him more. He would ignore me for days or weeks, wouldnt
phone or reply to any of my calls, then he would suddenly call again and all would be good for a time
then it would happen again. I was always asking Have I done something wrong or Do you still want
this, and he assured me I hadnt done anything wrong and yes he still wanted our relationship. He was
completely emotionless, disregarding any emotions I was feeling and I always got told to Harden
Up. He never spoke a loving word, it was always names like old bag, but always said as a joke so I
never took offence. He never gave a thing, but always took willingly, yet was always talking about
how much money he had given to friends and family. Money seemed important to him, always
speaking of how much his sons were earning etc. He had a 19 year old daughter who doted on her Dad
and vice versa. I would hear him on the phone to her and it was Hallo Darling, OK Darling etc., in
a way I thought seemed a bit strange, she was nearly 20 not 2 years old. I sincerely hope he hasnt
manipulated her as well. I was told a couple of times if I didnt do what he wanted he would leave, and
in 3 years he never apologised once, even after all the times he stood me up. In the bedroom he was
always boss, everything how he liked it, sometimes wanting to get way to kinky for me. Many times
after sex he would just get up and leave with some excuse about having to go somewhere. Anyway,
about a week ago after about 4 weeks of hearing Ill see you tomorrow, or Ill be down in about an
hour and so on and never turning up I phoned him at his sons house. He answered very sweetly and
on hearing my voice just hung up. Havent seen or heard from him since. The pain and heartbreak I feel
is soul destroying, but it has made me suddenly realise I think I am deeply in love with a Silent
Abuser who loves playing sick mind games, and I cant believe I fell under his spell. I would love to
hear from anyone else that has fallen victim and given all their love to a person like this and how they
coped. I am sure I have diagnosed him correctly but on the other hand maybe I am a drama queen
who thinks too much as he would have told me.
Dianne
On 7th Aug 2014 at 01:22 PM Torquoisesky said...
I suffered the silent treatment many times over the past 25 years with my abusive husband (now ex). I
was 18 when I met him and am now 42. I have been separated from him for 9 years and still feel the
sting of what he did. He did just what this article said - he watched me suffer and did nothing to
alleviate it. When he met me I was outgoing, extroverted in groups and lively. He beat me down in
many ways including physically after 10 years of marriage and I finally left. I went from the lively girl
he met to a shell of myself and he had the nerve to say youve changed - you arent the same girl in
those letters (Letters written when I was 18-23 and life was about college, freedom and being loved).
He destroyed me, knew he was doing it, didnt care and he moved on to someone else. Its a tough pill
to swallow.
On 7th Aug 2014 at 01:32 PM Anna said...
This article is so spot on. The effects of silent treatment are so deeply hurtful. Its sad to read that those
who ignore have no care for the victims. A loved one should keep you safe from harm, not create it.
On 11th Aug 2014 at 02:02 PM Electra said...
This is just a perfect article. I can understand every bit of the word explained here.
Here is where you come to know, There is always at least one understanding you in the entire world
And here we have so many facing the same issue.
Highly appreciable!

 On 16th Aug 2014 at 04:15 AM T. T. said...

This describes my abusive boyfriend completely. Whenever he wants to blow me off he ignores me and
as much as I try to reach out to him he ignores me so he can party with his pothead friends. He calls me
the worst names imaginable and sometimes I have to create distance to protect myself from his
frightening yelling and name calling, yet when I pull back to protect my sanity he calls me the abuser!!!
All the while yelling, name calling and terrorizing me. He cut me off from all my friends and I think of
suicide frequently. Everyone who knows me says I have lost my spark since being with him.
When I respond to his behavior and terrorism with angry texts he shows those texts out of context to
his friends and family to falsely portray me as the bad one and to get sympathy. He has turned his
friends and family against me yet I have never told anyone in 3 years that he drives crazy threatening
my life in his car, yells at me, has hit me on multiple occasions even while pregnant, calls me the most
filthy names and always puts his friends including his friends wife and girlfriend before me.
Its funny he sent the link to this article stating I am the abuser. The sad thing is that because hes a
pathological liar who was raised by abusive drunk men, he has indeed convinced himself that he is the
victim. I think thats the only way he can live with his monster self, having destroyed my spirit,
neglecting me during my pregnancy, yelling at me and losing his temper if I dare complain about his
drug addiction. I pray I have the strength to stay away from him, my baby doesnt deserve to be born
into a turbulent abusive relationship. He doesnt care about the baby now, how will he treat him? The
same way his abusers treated him - a typical abuser.
On 19th Aug 2014 at 02:03 AM Shell said...
4 years of this abuse. 2 children. 1 brain tumor. Im afraid all that keeps me alive is that I havent saved
our daughters from him.
On 2nd Sep 2014 at 02:42 AM amanda said...
Im 50; at 27 my wonderful husband of 6 years died of cancer. I managed to turn around that negative
experience and spent the next four years working hard, studying and training to be a nurse. I met my
current partner just before i completed my nurse training - he was a consultant physician, tall, good
looking, successful, generous, a perfect gentleman; I went abroad for four years to work but every six
weeks one of us would travel to be with the other. then there was the opportunity for him to move
abroad for a job and i later followed him. this was the first time we actually lived together - six years
now. he has no family, says he has no friends - doesnt go out to socialise unless its with me. my family
and friends of over 30 years are in another country - i see them about once a year but only if hes with
me as the silent look i get if i say I want to go out with them makes me feel like a 5 year old whose
asked for something she shouldnt, even if its my mother i want to see. I was such a strong person after
experiencing my husbands illness/death and the aftermath; i was successful in work/business
(property); i had friends, a social circle, i use to laugh; it was my choice to move away and be here with
him. but what i didnt know about (until we lived together) were the other women; all the time we were
together from the begining and even now; he has only once admitted it with the response of you
werent here(i was still abroad at that particular time though its still ongoing). he has refused to talk of
it ever since i first mentioned it. says its over so why do i go on about it; says i dont know where you
get your crazy ideas from shaking his head in disbelief;and because im afraid, i stop myself from
telling him about the (private) photos ive seen that hes often taken. no-one outside would believe me
(my friends and family do)we are apparently the perfect couple. this is not a relationship - he pays for
everything, mortgage, bills, holidays etc; i rarely see a bill, he decides what we buy, he may ask me but
the end decision is his as he pays. he behaves as if he cares (occasional hug/kiss) but nothing nothing
more intimate for a long time. I was enamored by him at the beginning I admit (same as his other

women) now i only feel used, bought, cheap, worthless and empty. there is nothing for me here and i so
want to leave but i always find a barrier, mostly financial, and a little bit afraid. Now im at the stage of
thinking that maybe the problem is mine and its Websites like this that remind me its not my fault. I
would never say im perfect, but i find it difficult to sit in the room with someone for hours and not say
a word just because they dont exist. it scares me when i remember how i use to be and now i dont
know me.
On 7th Sep 2014 at 07:00 AM Hope Atkinson said...
I currently suffered from mental and emotional abuse? From my ex partner but because i suffered from
pycosis post natal depression? And my ex was very clever? He has full custody.off my son? Even
thougj hes in another relationship hes still trying to play mind games now? Hes getting my son to call
his new gf mum? My ex says i have no rights to know were my son live.? Or anything. I recently found
out ny son was in hospital my ex said i dont have rights????? How is it possible that a man who can
mentally and emotional abuse a woman, take me away from my family when i just had my son? When i
needed them more? He convinced me when i was ill that my own mother was getting me sex
trafficked? He even grows cannibis? But some how the courts and social workers feel my ex is
capable? When he moves houses every 3 months he rips the landlord off???
On 25th Oct 2014 at 03:33 PM Helikatt said...
Hello this is my life in blk and wht .. And Ive e reached the end

On 28th Oct 2014 at 07:07 AM sayuri09 said...

Almost a month dealing with this silent treatmentI understand it was my fault and tried apologizing
for my mistakeit saddens me that we dont talk as much as we use to. Im wanting to confront him
and give our relationship as friends a chance.dont know where to begin anymore.any
suggestions?
On 31st Oct 2014 at 04:04 AM anna said...
I m currently in this situation n not sure how to get out. I m sad depressed n not happy. In 10 yrs i
changed. All he cares is the mother of his kid. If i m sick he ignores me. I want to move n cant. I feel
desperate n o want to get out so bad. I cry everyday. O feel so much pain n cant tell people this.
On 10th Nov 2014 at 08:46 AM O.Braun said...
If I open my mouth to tell him my worries or feelings, or if I do something wrong in his eyesIm
given first an onslaught of mean words, sometimes followed by a break up, but always ending with him
walking away and giving me the silent treatment. Lasts 1-2 days and happens at least once a week. He
has no empathy. He is as cold as ice. Im blamed for everything including him messing around with an
ex, lying to me over almost 3 years, even being caught several timesits my fault because Im too
needy or Im not organized enough. He never has sex if I try to initiate. Not once. He does not listen to
a word I say unless about him. I bend over backwards for him and I get nothing loving from him. Im
never complimented. If Im laughing at something or if I have good news, I am literally berated and/or
walked away from. He didnt used to be like this.
I am trying just to make it through the night. It has me so sad and hurting terribly. I am always alone.
We dont live together and he hardly spends quality time with me and now even if he does, I know hell
will be mine soon after. Why do I put up with this? Why does he do this? How can a human being lack
empathy? I cant comprehend it at all. I am a love bug who is never confrontational. I taught school
forever. Have two great kids. I am great friends still with their dad. Ive never ever been put through

this before. Now I am always sad and never can I do anything right. He acts like Im such a needy
person around my mom and hes my savior. Its disgusting. But if I fight him on ithe will win with
silence. How do I walk away? Help. How can a person not care for another to this extent? Its like hes
a monster. Thank you for your article. Truly.
On 11th Nov 2014 at 05:25 PM Kiki said...
I am in a very new relationship and Im experiencing the silent treatment for the first time in my dating
history. Its very painful. I believe this article will help me move away from what may be an abusive
relationship.
On 18th Nov 2014 at 06:42 AM Danny said...
Wow! Sometime its hard to understand what another is thinking,,really it is, sometimes the best thing
we must do is ask why, but to the person that is doing these things to us, I dont make and dont mean to
be making up excuses for them, but maybe they r thinking and feeling the same way too! If this helps
and I hope it does, but remember if you have a problem theres someone else in the world that has a
bigger problem than yours, I know sounds stupid, but it helps me sometimes,,, sometimes!
On 23rd Nov 2014 at 10:05 AM Kimi-lee said...
Ive read many articles of this kind but I just never learn. Im always able to walk away but always end
up with the very same person who administers this treatment. its as if I forget what he does to me. I
feel so beat down, my confidence is nonexistent at the moment and its affecting my business. Im
sometimes in denial of whats happening, Im afraid of facing this again but its always such a relief
when I realise that all my emotional outbursts are because of this treatment. thanks for an eye-opening
article.
On 24th Nov 2014 at 08:50 PM lydia e mill said...
After being in relationship with him for 3 years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring
him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged
him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and
she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back
but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and
he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return
to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex
called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything
that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went
to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that
anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or
her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is
different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email is
DRAISEDIONSPELLCASTER@GMAIL.COM you can email him if you need his assistance in your
relationship or any other problem.
On 26th Nov 2014 at 03:49 AM John said...
I am a man who had been dating someone for close to three years. Whenever my girlfriend and I had an
issue she would get angry, leave and give me the silent treatment for days on end. I always felt hurt and
neglected by this continual process. She is aware of the anxiety that this causes and effects on my life,
sleep, etc., but she does not care and always does it again and again. She has stopped showing affection
and wanting sex but I cant complain or she will get angry, leave, and give the silent treatment. I dont
want to sound non-masculine but this has been very painful. I was unaware that this was mental abuse,

but I can definitely feel the pain. I have been asking her what is going on with her and she ends up
getting angry when I do. We are now apart and I am scared of going back to her but I do love her. This
sucks because I am a much stronger person than this and I feel I can resolve anything.
On 3rd Dec 2014 at 03:20 AM Ronny said...
Reading this put clarity , to my behaviour with my ex . I went through everything in this article . I did
leave my husband and filed for separation. I am free from him. But my past with him for 23 yrs still
haunts him. He took my friends, family and even my children . I suffer from PTSD and constantly
trying to stay present. But the mind is powerful. What makes me sick .if youre being physically. Abuse
you can have them arrest . But mental abuse is quite matter and really nobody cares . I reach out to
everyone I could think of . There is know justice for how person can get so much power and control
over someone else. I am very angry and have little trust in mental health care. What scares me the most
is I have 2 beautiful daughters who look up to him for his material success and dont want them to be
with a man like him . I wish he would just acknowledge and get help for our daughters sake .
On 5th Dec 2014 at 03:58 AM AL said...
I applaud your article, but I want to warn that some who read this may incorrectly conclude that if a
person walks away to be alone after a verbal conflict, they are deliberately engaging in the silent
treatment and therefore are being mentally abusive. This is what my wife of 18 years continually tells
me, she is extremely verbally and mentally abusive to me and puts me down constantly. She also does
not believe in repeating herself twice, so if I dont get a point and ask her to explain it better, she will
refuse and instead turns it into a further means to belittle me by saying that I never listen to her, etc I
believe in open communication, unfortunately my wife does not. If the conversation/argument reaches
a point where she is looking for some answer from me which I cannot figure out and which she will not
give me further information to help me out, at some point I will just give up and have to leave to get a
moment of peace away from the insane situation I am in. This is classic abuse 101 adviceget away
from the abuser. It is also classic couples therapy advicego away to take a breather when feelings
get too strong. Its also classic anger management advice for trying to control your anger. However,
my wife has severe rejection issues, apparently, so she feels this as a hurt to her (not a defensive
reaction by me) and then she raises the youre giving me the silent treatment again, you ABUSER!!!!
flag. So please, realize that just because a person leaves a conversation to take a timeout, this does
NOT mean that they are an abuser. I know that your article is not saying this explicitly, but a quick
read of it might convey that idea to someone with severe rejection issues. Maybe further clarification
could be made so to tell the difference between a timeout and the start of silent treatment?
I DO sympathize with those who get the silent treatment. I get it from my wife myself, sometimes,
when she is extremely upset with me. And yes, it does hurt a lot. It crushes the heart when someone
you love is rejecting you reaching out to them in love.
I also want to make a point to those who say that mental abuse is worse than physical abuse. My wife
also becomes physically abusive at times, so Ive experienced both. Let me clarify that physical abuse
is ACCOMPANIED by deep mental pain/anguish, I would say that it is always a combination of
physical and mental abuse and it hurts. After all, the fact that they use physical violence lets you see
how they view you and their supposed love to you (while your love still tries to hold on), and that hurts
like anything. Lets stop trying to compare one to the other, one is NOT worse than the other, they are
BOTH horrible. I would never wish either of them on anyone.
I raise this point because my wife believes she is mentally abused by me (because I sometimes have to
take timeouts) and when she hits me she will later tell me that mental abuse is much worse than
physical abuse, shes read articles about it, so what she does to me isnt as bad as what I supposedly do

to her. Though I know this logic is completely bogus, lets stop perpetuating the idea that mental abuse
is worse than physical abusethey shouldnt be compared at all, they are both horrible as I said above.
On 5th Dec 2014 at 03:31 PM Max said...
Hi Everyone,
I have been following this post for months now. I found it while looking for advice on what to do. I am
hoping I can get your advice on what I should do.
I have contacted social services and even spoken to doctors looking to get help. It seams that is I were a
woman that was in an abusive relationship Id have people kicking the door in to help. However I am
finding that if your a man in an abusive relationship no one wants to even return your calls. Has anyone
found a solution?
What does you state do? I live in Virginia and found that if I take my son and try to find a safe place go
I was charged with kidnaping my own son. I had my son taken from me at gun point. I had to go back
to living with my abusive wife and put up with what ever she wants.
She wont hit my son or me anymore because she is afraid of leaving physical evidence. However the
mind games are getting worse every day.
Does anyone have an idea of who I can turn too,
Here is is a list of things I have done.
Called social services. They took 6months to call me back once and never followed up.
Talked to two 3 doctors. One even spoke to my wife and she admitted to hitting me. That doctor just
put her pen down and stopped taking notes. Then she told us to not come back
The other doctor gave her medication that she only takes when she thinks she needs it.
The Fairfax county police told me my bruises looked bad put did not take photos and let wife walk out
of the house with my son. I had not hit her or anything. She just told the that I made her angry and that
I provoked her to hit me.
3 attorneys told me I have a good chance of getting my son. as long as I dont ask the court to leave
Virginia and let her have partial custody
On 7th Dec 2014 at 08:00 PM reta said...
Thank you for providing an excellent article regarding emotional abuse in the form of withholding
affection in all forms. I have been in an estranged relationship in which I finally had to withdraw
completely from having contact with the individual. Sometimes we are left without a good choice. The
result was being told again and again by family and friends of the harm I was doing to this individual,
not a word about the huge price I had paid to be in that relationship. I sincerely tried different
approaches, thought I had become stronger and healed from the attacks as I grew older, but the
realization is we are seen as contributing to this relationship in specific way they are comfortable with,
and when we fail to do so - even if the new one is healthier - we will be pressured back into compliance
- throw in others and you are quickly out numbered - you will go back to your old ways. I had to take a
long, hard look at what motivated my silence, my withdraw, it was not to punish it was to protect
myself from future harm. I had to give myself permission to do this as it was against my own nature to
inflict pain - never mind I was receiving a truckload full! Each time I contemplate rekindling contact I
go over in my head all the previous attempts, the failed outcomes, and then factor in something which
might have changed influencing the other person - there is seldom anything which eases my place, my
decision. What I have found is comfort in allowing some contact which is not total absence - a card, a
well placed inquire to someone I know who will deliver my seeking information to that ones well
being - but sadly, I have learned over the years through trial and error that keeping a safe distance keeps
us both safe as there will never be something in me which can endure the attacks, feel safe, and not

have the desire to kick myself for thinking anything has improved. There is truth in that old saying
Speech is silver, but Silence is Golden
On 7th Dec 2014 at 10:28 PM cmom said...
I am going through this right now. My husband of 2 years has mentally abused me from the beginning,
nothing is his fault, its all in my head.. when i try to communicate it blows up and once again im left
shattered and broken feeling like i am the blame. I want out of this marriage so bad!! i recently found
out that he did this to his prior wife, as well as infidelity in that marriagewhich i do know that in the
beginning he was communicating with other women in our relationship too. claims i drove him to it.
why do people act this way to people they vowed to love. I was once a happy go lucky bubbly, full of
life happy woman. Now Im severely depressed, doubting myself and broken!!
On 9th Dec 2014 at 11:16 PM Ronny said...
Reading this article , was a wake up call and I had already left my husband . I left him because I
couldnt handle him threatening to leave me for tenth time. I was with him for 23 yrs . Did everything I
could to please him and His family . I was ignored and treat like garbage by his family . They never
tried to get to know or show any love . But demand I show them respect. I was put down by them on
everything . When I finally left my husband I was a complete basket case went hosptitpal 3 times and
one nurse ask I was emotionally abused , I was so confused. But little by little things were all making
sense of why I behaved and why things spiralled down in the last 23 yrs of my life. When I was with
my exes I was in treatment centre , therapy. Meds. I was alway under microscope . Blaming myself
thinking I was the problem. Before I met my ex I had a dark past. From. Child abuse sexual a abuse etc.
my biggest mistake is I thought because my ex came from middle class they didnt have any problems .
But to them I was a problem they had know problem sharing there ugliness towards me . My ex and
family are now have brainwashed my to beautiful daughters that I was the problem. Its the worst thing
that can ever happen to mother , having your ex husband take your kids away from you emotionally
and phyiscally. I hate him for it . I was there for them every day of there life . I was homemaker who
slowly fell apart. I reach out to so many people in mental health and even children aid . They believe
him over me because of my state of mind. I did everything was asked. He even started hanging out with
my family and some of my friends. After I left him. I am no longer speaking to my family or friends
not because of angry but feel this deep pain and betrayal. My family knew how loving I was and would
do anything for them even a stranger . I am moving 4 hrs away from were I live to get a fresh start. I
hope with time I can be happy again. And love the person I was met to be!
On 13th Dec 2014 at 01:53 AM Annie said...
I met a gorgeous man who had moved to the UK a couple of years earlier to start a new life after
splitting up with his wife and more recently another girl he had been in a 14month relationship and
lived with. Not even a month after we met, and I was falling for his charm very quickly by this time,
and added to hurt of having had to move away from a previous very abusive relationship, I received a
call he had slept with his ex girlfriend whilst I was away working on our first valentines day. She
declared also they had split as he had deceived the company out of thousands and she had to tell him to
move out as she risked losing her job. I was not sure what was true as he told me his ex was dangerous
and would try cause trouble for us and I believed him. Then he informed me he had lost his job and
gave a different story. Then he lost his room where he was staying, at his exes friends house and
became homeless.And I stepped up to help as he admitted his wrongs and explained he had had
previous gambling issues which had worsened due to alleged pressure and demands from his ex wife
for money. He hit rock bottom and despite warnings from his brother and ex, I could not walk away
and leave him unsupported with only a suitcase. So I set to and got him help to be housed and took him
with me on my travels to keep him busy looking for a job. Thankfully he secured a great job and over

past 2 1/2yrs has excelled and is now on a much better footing in life. However, he made friends in
work and in area he settled, during which time I nursed my sick father through a heart attack, cancer
and surgery, and all this time my prince worsened in his manner towards me and gradually started the
silent treatment. This became unbearable and if I needed him he was never there, but rather ignored my
cries for help, support, or just a chat. He had asked me to move in during our happier times but I had to
see my dad at least back on his feet so I explained when he moved to a bigger flat in August this year, I
would move in too and we could start a fresh life. However I was anxious that for the past year he had
displayed a different manner to me, sometimes passing hurtful and derogatory remarks and although
claims that he was joking, I became increasingly worried and increasingly sad. I lost my spark and
what many have called my infectious smile and zest for happiness in life. He started going out more
and was spending on lads weekends, such as drinking sessions and spa weekends and stag dos, yet
claimed was tired after work and journey to see me was a bit of a drag! However he had also claimed
Id need a mirror on a stick if I ever left him. When I think I out up with manic episodes of late night
calls declaring undying love and total commitment, voicemails in middle of the night singing, calling
crying with happiness he won 1500 holiday vouchers in work, to only tell me 6m later he sold them.
Obviously I was becoming increasingly worried but continued to spend Friday to Monday at his flat,
sometimes cleaning, ironing, and enjoying being a couple as I thought in love. I must have been blind
as over the past year whilst I worked and struggled with a sick parent, he increased his party lifestyle
and as he did the silence and rejection worsened. In July he took me to view the new flat and asked was
I moving in. It was not really what or where I had planned to be with him but being with him meant
more, despite the troubles we were going through. We went to Ireland in August and as I had done
many times previously I gave him some money to help with costs whilst away. He spent my money
mostly on drink for all his friends and one evening even left me out. So enough was enough and I told
him he was not treating me well or fair. He got angry went silent and two days later told me we were
finished. He then took all the items I had bought whilst getting bits together in the first flat, and moved
in to the new place telling me I had no right to ever rock up there apor right to my stuff. I have fought
hard since with the silent treatment, then meeting to talk to only be hugged kissed told Im loved and
cared for, to then be ignored over and over for the past 4months. I made the mistake of at times letting
it all get the better of me emotionally and came very near to giving up. I have felt my mind has been in
turmoil past year, I stopped eating, stopped going out, and felt I was close to leaving my job as I felt
worthless to anyone, unimportant, unloved and ugly. I do love him I cant help it, but the man I met not
who he became when he got sorted and on his feet. I didnt want thanks and he says he is sorry and is
now on antidepressants as a result of my outbursts of verbal reactionary texts which I am disgusted
with myself for doing, but this man hurt me more than I can say, more so as a result of his silent abuse.
I will never trust again or be in another relationship as i feel he has caused permanent damage to my
mind. But I have fought back and am getting stronger, mainly due to realising on reading such articles
as yours, that I was not a crazy person and I am the kind giving loving girl this man met and used for 3
1/2yrs. However, he now blames me for adding to his worries with my reactionary words, all based on
fact, and Im hurt he could portray me as the abuser and be now seeking medical help, when in fact it
was his doing. Im not perfect, nobody is, but the degree of rejection and silent abuse Ive had to deal
with has been life destroying. I feel a little vindicated that I am not the baddie after all. I echo the last
message, to value kindness. Strength ... I lost that but Im working on getting it back and trying to
restart living my life. But I still live him. Why after all I can not explain! I hope he gets better and he
has made me feel bad claiming I added to his worries, when I helped him in so many ways. He always
told me I should not discuss us with anyone else, but I just felt I needed to talk at times and now share
this with others, as I think I am making it through now. Not a good time of the year to be still in love
with somebody who has rejected you but who knows what the new year will bring.