BAR/BAT MITZVAH

A supplement to the Jewish Standard

Winter 2016

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Jewish Standard

S-3

The mitzvah of the mitzvah project................ 4

Stepping into Jewish adulthood, young men
and women give to their communities

More than a mere check................................. 8

Contemplating heartfelt memories in the giving of legacy gifts

Getting a grip on the gelt............................. 12

Teaching about money management even before bar bat mitzvah

Still water runs deep..................................... 14

A grandfather reflects on his first grandson becoming a bar mitzvah

Dont sweat the small stuff .......................... 16

Focus on the meaning of the day and not on the centerpieces

Mitzvah mom designs software

for bar bat mitzvah planning........................ 19
Keep on truckin............................................ 20
Food trucks are all the rage at bar and bat mitzvah celebrations
ONE THE COVER: Gabriel Rosenblatt at his synagogue, Ahavat Torah in Englewood.
Photo by Stefanie Diamond Photography

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The Mitzvah of the

Mitzvah
Project
F

or many bar and bat mitzvah young men and women,

the mitzvah project is among the centerpieces of
the big event. Much thought and deliberation goes
into what to do. It has to make sense for the youngster.
And for many, they want to make it very meaningful, both

Natan Herzog
Natan Herzog took his love of biking
and pedaled until he helped raise
$3,600 for the hungry.
Natan, a 13-year-old eighth grader
at Cresskill Middle School, headed
up a 30-person team of family and
friends and rode for 10 miles on
Fathers Day in June 2015 in the
Wheels for Meals Ride to Fight Hunger, raising funds for Jewish Family
Services in Teaneck, which among
other things, supports a food pantry and kosher meals on wheels
program.
They are really a special family, said Ellen Finkelstein, director
of marketing for the Jewish Family
Services, who added that the organization is servicing 60 percent
more clients in 2015 than in 2014.
Natan and his father, Uri, had
actually done the ride the previous year, and decided to build on
that experience, and make the
ride a major component of Natans
bar mitzvah project, said Natans
mother, Tamira Sperling. And
since they are an athletic family,
everyone got into the act, including Tamira, and Natans younger

brother, Taavi.
In addition, Natan volunteered
during the course of the year at the
Jewish Home in Rockleigh. There he
brought along his flute and played
classical pieces for the seniors and
assisted in the recreation activities.
Tamira said that she hoped
that the effort spawns a lifelong
dedication to volunteerism, adding that her husband, Uri, a part
owner of Chopstix Chinese restaurant in Teaneck, is very active in
volunteering.
As for Natan, his experience was
really one of growth, especially
when working with the seniors.
At first I felt a little shy, said
Natan, letting his flute speak for
him and delighting the seniors with
his music such as Handels Sonata
V, Caesar Giovanninis Overture in
B Flat and Beethovens Allegro and
Minuetto. But then I started to
speak louder and to connect with
them.
And the bike ride?
It was so great, said Natan. To
have the group there was really fun,
and it was so motivating for my bar
mitzvah project.

Stepping
into Jewish
adulthood,
young men
and women
give to their
communities
Heidi Mae Brattx

personally and for the greater community.

The mitzvah project helps to underscore the new
responsibility these young men and women now assume as
they accept their new role in the greater Jewish community.
Here, we share some mitzvah projects of our local youth.

Natan Herzog and

his family show pedal
power. From left,
brother, Taavi; mother,
Tamira; Natan, and
father, Uri.

Go team Natan
Bar Mitzvah!
The whole gang
on the day of
the bike ride.

Tiferet Fischman
It was very clear to Tiferet Fischman
what she wanted to do for her bat mitzvah project.
She wanted to raise money for Do
Wonders, an organization that donates
new wigs to young woman and girls
afflicted with cancer and who have lost
their hair in treatment.
I knew exactly what I wanted to
do, said Tiferet, a 7th grader at Yeshivat Noam, and whose mother Aliza
Fischman works as the wig specialist
at Lillian Lee Salon in Teaneck.
I really like doing hair and making
braids and getting your hair done for
special occasions. I wanted kids to be
able to have their own hair to style,
said Tiferet.
To that end she got busy.
First she started selling band bracelets in the style of Live Strong in her
school. Then she got busy in the
kitchen. A great baker already, Tiferet
baked her special chocolate chip cookies and snowball cookies and cakes
that she sold to friends and family,
while her mother, Aliza, helped with

the marketing.
She took to this like a bee to honey,
said Aliza, whose Teaneck family
includes her husband, Aharon, and
other children, Rachel, Leora and Nati.
The whole idea was really hers,
said Aliza. She really concentrated on
what she could do to make the most
out of it.
Aliza has been involved in Do Wonders since its inception at the salon
in 2009. In 2011, the organization
received 501c3 status. And since it
started, said Aliza, Do Wonders has
done exactly that: It has supplied thousands of wigs to young women and
girls in cancer treatment. The organization buys human hair wigs directly
from the manufacturer.
Tiferet was able to raise $500 for Do
Wonders.
Her effort was recognized on Jan.
3 at the organizations big fundraiser,
Night of Wonders, where Tiferet
was bestowed the Young Leadership
Award.
Tiferet said she hopes to continue
her fundraising efforts in the future.

Above, Tiferet
Fischman and the
cookies that she
baked to help
raise money for Do
Wonders. At right,
the Fischman family on the Night
of Wonders: From
left, sister, Leora;
mother, Aliza; Tiferet; father, Aharon;
brother, Nati; and
sister Rachel.
PHOTO BY YARON KARL

Eitan Hiller
Be a clown, be a clown.
Eitan Hiller has been mitzvah clown since
he was 12, but knew about mitzvah clowning from his older brother, Ari ,17, and went
along on visits since he was 10 years old.
So it made sense to him to take his clowning skills and use them for his bar mitzvah
project.
But it wasnt just him, alone.
Eitan Hiller enlisted the help of his classmates at Yeshivat Noam. On Election Day,
Nov. 3, 2015, 44 boys came to a mass training presided over by Daniel Rothner, the
founder and director of Areyvut, which
does among other things the Mitzvah Clown program. The boys learned skills of how to bring
cheer to adults as well as how to twist a balloon
into a fun shape. Armed with their new skills and
motivation, the boys gave cheer to the residents
at the Jewish Home in Rockleigh.
We just felt that we needed more clowns so
we invited Eitans grade to get the training, said
Eitans mother, Tzippy Hiller.
It was also a lot of fun.
Eitans friends learned how to make a balloon
animal dog and a flower and learned how to
approach the elderly.
I have to tell you, it was very sweet to watch

these rough and tumble boys just become these

sweet, charming clowns, said Tzippy, who lives
in Teaneck with her family including, husband,
Ezra.
For his part, Eitan who loves the stage he is
also an actor and being able to bring people
cheer, said that he does his magic tricks as a mitzvah clown.
I really love making people smile, said Eitan.
And what did his friends think?
A couple kids were not so into it at the beginning, but then afterwards, they thought it was a
great party and they wanted to become a mitzvah
clown.

Its all smiles for Eitan Hiller, who celebrated his bar mitzvah with his newly trained mitzvah clown friends at the
Jewish Home in Rockleigh.

S-6 Jewish Standard

David Gerber
For his bar mitzvah project, David Gerber not only
taught a man how to fish, he taught about 100 men,
women, boys and girls about tikkun olam that is
repairing the world through cleaning the waters and
feeding the hungry.
On a sunny September afternoon, the Sunday in
between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, Davids family and friends gathered at the Boat Basin in Alpine for
two hours of fishing and fun that was highlighted by a
special tashlich service presided over by Rabbi Yossi
Katz of Chabad Lubavitch on the Palisades in Tenafly.
It was really kind of moving and very nice, recalled
Steven Gerber, Davids father. To be there at the edge
of the water was majestic, and there was something
very spiritual about the whole thing.
For David, who turns 13 at the end of February, and
who attends the Solomon Schechter Day School of Bergen County in New Milford, this project was not only
about enjoying one of his favorite pastimes fishing
but also helping others.
I love the water, water sports and fishing, said
David, who lives in Tenafly with his family that also

WINTER 2016

includes mother, Janice Lieberman, The Todays Show

consumer correspondent, and brother, Judah, 7.
But this was like tikkun olam, working with an organization that helps preserve the waters, said David.
To that end, each invited guest was asked to donate
$18 and a can of tuna fish to attend Davids Fishing
Derby, as it was dubbed. His father, Steven, had coordinated with the Hudson River Fishermans Association,
an organization of recreational fishermen who encourage responsible use of aquatic resources and work to
protect the waters, which was to be the recipient of the
days proceeds.
The organization donated the rods and bait and
members were on hand during the afternoon to give
mini-fishing lessons to all. And the cans of tuna fish
brought by guests were donated to a local food bank.
The net result?
Not only was it a fun and meaningful day, but $1,500
was raised and donated to the Hudson River Fishermans Association.
It was really great, said David. My friends really
liked it a lot. They really enjoyed it. But best of all, we
were helping others.

BAR/BAT MITZVAH
David Gerber
celebrated his bar
mitzvah at his fishing derby, which
raised money for a
fisherman environmental organization, and supplied
food to the hungry.

Hold a food drive for our food pantry...

Make craft packages for School Based
Services...Sell JFS Purim cards...
Create holiday packages for Kosher
Meals on Wheels...Participate in the
Ride to Fight Hunger...Socialize with
Holocaust survivors at Caf Europa...
Collect and pack emergency supplies
for Senior Citizens...Volunteer at
the Wheels-for-Meals event...Work
with local synagogues as a Food
Pantry Ambassador...Adopt-a-Bubbe

www.thejewishstandard.com

Jewish Standard

S-7

S-8 Jewish Standard

WINTER 2016

BAR/BAT MITZVAH

More than a mere check

Contemplating
heartfelt
memories in
the giving of
legacy gifts
Rabbi Goldie Milgramx

a n i e l we n t h o m e a n d
unwrapped his bar mitzvah
presents. His mom found
him sitting dolefully amidst
the crumpled wrapping paper and
open envelopes. He was surrounded
by many high quality watches, several personal music and game players, assorted games, twelve gift certificates, and thirty-six checks.
She wondered at his mood and
asked: Whats wrong, son?
Daniels answer: I dont know mom,
but somehow this is disappointing.

This stuff just doesnt mean anything

to me. Daniel is absolutely right.
There are many ways to give bar/bat
mitzvah gifts that can touch a persons
spirit, not just by way of a charitable
organization. There is nothing wrong
and everything right with receiving a
physical gift so long as it adds meaning to the experience and expands the
relationship between the recipient and
the giver in a healthy way.

Creating legacy gifts

Many items in life can become legacy gifts. Even if giving a check has
to happen because its customary or
sorely needed, also consider creating
a special moment to give something
personal and uniquely memorable.
Start by looking into the contents of
your life.
Are there pictures of great-grandparents or other ancestors that you
can frame with a dedication plaque
giving their names and dates in honor
of the B-Mitzvah? Do you have stories
about them to share in a one-to-one

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Simplify Your Simcha

meeting with the B-Mitzvah student?

Also write down the stories in your
gift note or mount them on the back
of the picture.
Consider the picture together with
the B-Mitzvah student. Gifts become
more meaningful to the recipient
by the manner in which we convey them. Together notice details of
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S-2 Jewish Standard

WINTER 2015

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S-9
BAR/BAT MiTZVAH
Jewish Standard

S-10 Jewish Standard

WINTER 2016

Legacy gifts
FROM PAGE 8

dress, similarities perhaps between the students and the

ancestor(s); if you can, explain about the period in which
the prior photo was taken.
Is there something around your home that has always
fascinated the student? Something he or she asked about
or played with during visits? That could be the perfect gift.
Is there something that symbolizes a turning point in

your own life that carries an important story and that you
can give over as a sacred trust? This might become the cornerstone of a mentoring moment that will long resound
within the students memory. You might also find a novel
or nonfiction work that relates to your point. You can then
inscribe it, and give it to the B-Mitzvah student as a personal resource to hold on to until it is fully needed.
Jasons paternal grandfather died before Jason could
remember him. His Aunt Wendy brought him one of his

BAR/BAT MITZVAH

grandfathers leather books of poems by Walt Whitman,

complete with notes Jasons grandfather had handwritten
in the margins when he was young. The inside cover contained a dedication showing that Jasons grandfather had
himself received the book as a B-Mitzvah present from his
father. To Jason, this book is the greatest treasure hes ever
received.
Allisons grandmother noticed a beaded drawstring bag
in the back of her closet. She had the bag repaired and
added the words Allisons Tallit Bag in beadwork. She presented Allison with the tallit bag at the party, with stories
about some of the events that the bag had been through
with her.
Jennys cousin obtained Hadassah and Life magazines
from the day Jenny was born, thirteen years before that,
and thirteen years before that. As the cousins pored over
the magazines together, they were amazed at the kinds of

Is there something
around your home that has
always fascinated the student?
Something he or she asked
about or played with
during visits? That could
be the perfect gift.
advertising events, and social changes they read about.
Alices mom helped her encase these magazines in sturdy
plastic covers to preserve this unique gift for future
generations.
Adams neighbor discovered that Adam loves science
fiction. On-line at JewishLights.com he found a series of
Jewish science fiction books and gave Adam three as his
gift, with the suggestion that they both read and discuss
the works. One story discussed whether a nonhuman
alien could convert to Judaism. This problem captured
Adams curiosity and led them into a whole new level of
exploration.
Kerris tutor had a big surprise for her. She picked up
a plain beige kippah at the Judaica store and with fabric
paint made a scene of Jerusalem on one half and an image
of an open Torah scroll on the other half. Then, with a
permanent marker, she wrote a verse from Kerris Torah
portion on the open scroll and Kerris name in the very
center of the kippah. On the inside she wrote, Love to my
fantastic student forever your tutor, Dona.
Many Ethiopian Jews participated in an embroidery
project to raise money for food, health care, education,
before their immigration to Israel. Their high quality, brilliantly colored tallitot and tallit and pillow covers interpret
many Torah portions; their mezuzot also make stunning
legacy presents and support their education and training
in Israel.
Aris classmates and their parents got together to
acquire the series of Ethiopian pillow covers as a present for him. This proved to be so special that many classmates are hoping the same gift will be coming their way,
too. It is also possible to twin with an Ethiopian Jewish
immigrant to Israel, to share B-Mitzvah dates, correspond, and one day even to meet. The legacy of friendship is a very powerful gift indeed. (For information,
contact the North American Conference on Ethiopian
Jewry at NOCOEJ.org.)

n
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Jewish Standard

S-11

Special activities as gifts

Consider some activities that you can do together to privately honor this special time.
Bens uncle gook him to the steam room at the Jewish
community center and proudly introduced him to the
men who gather there after the mens weekly bagels-andlox brunch. They joyfully welcomed him and shared stories of their own Bnei Mitzvah.
Sarahs mom took her to the Judaica shop to select a
set of candlesticks of her own to light every Friday night.
She told Sara a secret, that whenever she lights candles,
she senses the presence of her own mother of blessed
memory. Also, when she blesses Sara, she senses her own
mothers hands upon her head in bless.
Kate, his mothers best friend, brought Max to a ceramics studio so that they could make a challah plate together
in honor of his B-Mitzvah. On the back of the plate, Kate
wrote a special signed message for her heart that was
sealed there
for every Shabbat to come.
Blaines grandmother is an excellent needleworker.
When she learned about a German Jewish needlework
tradition called whimple, she and Blaine agreed that making one together would be very memorable. The whimple
involves creating a Torah belt, to be used only on the special occasions of a persons life cycle that take place at the
Torah. Traditionally, these would be started in honor of
a birth, and the fabric would be derived from the babys
swaddling cloth. The belt is made up of multiple panels
and is perhaps six inches wide. As each major life-cycle
event arrives, each panel of the belt gets decorated in fab-

Having an affair?

Is there something that

carries an important story
and that you can give over as
a sacred trust? This might a
special gift and become the
cornerstone of a mentoring
moment that will long resound.
ric paint or embroidery with the birthdate, name of child,
symbols, and a verse from that weeks Torah portion or
blessing. Antique and contemporary examples are on
view at many Jewish museums.
Another collaborative craft project is creating a Judaic
blessing quilt. One person sends squares of fabric to
friends with instructions to return the decorated square in
honor of the persons simcha. Nadine, the yoga partner of
Talias mom, decided her gift would be to coordinate such
a project. Not being a quilter herself, she took the squares
she had received from participants to a professional for
assembly. Squares can be decorated with just about anything: fabric markers, buttons, necklace charms, and
shells. Messages from Torah, qualities about the students
life, or blessings can be added, too. Some even sew in tiny
music chips so that a melody will emerge when the curious push on the squares.
From Reclaiming Bar/Bat Mitzvah as a Spiritual Rite of
Passage by Rabbi Goldie Milgram (Reclaiming Judaism Press).
Reprinted with permission

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S-12 Jewish Standard

WINTER 2016

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It is never too early for a youngster to
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In fact, three out of five young adults say
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Talking to your kids about money and
using everyday moments to teach practical lessons is not only important, it works,
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Parents who would like guidance on
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Rochelle Rudnick, Temple Administrator, at 201-833-1322 or rrudnick@
emeth.org.

Jewish Standard

by Bank of America and education innovator Khan Academy, offers easy-to-follow videos and tips to help parents
teach important financial lessons to children of various
stages and ages.

Start as early as possible

A child in elementary school is just learning how money
works, so simple lessons are best for this age. For example, a trip to the store can be an opportunity to learn about
how to shop and save money. An allowance is another
tool for teaching the building blocks of money management. Experts typically recommend parents who follow
this approach to give young children 50 cents to $1 per
week for every year of their age. Some parents start with a
smaller amount and only raise it once they feel their child
can handle the responsibility.

Moving up to middle school

At this age your child may be ready for more complex
money-management skills, including saving for larger,
medium-term goals such as coveted clothing or electronics. Work with them to build a savings plan around
a goal and track progress. For bigger-ticket items, consider matching contributions to reward your childs savings efforts. If she wants a new phone that costs $200, for
example, you could ask her to save for half, and agree to
cover the remaining $100.
This age is also a good time to talk about digital spending.
All those in-app purchases, music and game downloads
can add up. Instead of allowing your child to download
at will, consider setting up online accounts to require a
password for purchases and set a monthly spending limit.
When he asks you to make a digital purchase, discuss the
cost and how what hes asking for will fit into the budget.

Teenagers and money

By high school, your teenager will be much more independent and will have had a lot more experience with
money. If she is managing a larger allowance or even an
income from a part-time job, it may be time to open a
checking account. Checking accounts come with a lot of

responsibility, but walking her through the process of setting one up and establishing best practices for banking and
managing money responsibly will set the foundation for
sound money habits far into the future.
As your teen gets older, she may start to have bigger
ideas about things she wants to do or purchase. Take the
opportunity to talk about how much it could cost, work
with her to map out a budget for all related expenses, and
identify ways for her to help contribute.
At some point, most teens are offered opportunities to
take on debt, perhaps through loans or credit cards. You
can help prevent impulsive decisions and costly outcomes,
by teaching teens some key guidelines about borrowing
money. For example, most teens might not understand

S-13

that there is a cost to taking out a loan or charging purchases to a credit card if you stretch the payments out
over a long time. There is of course a benefit to borrowing
money responsibly as a way to build credit so show your
teen your credit report and discuss your own experiences
to show how good and bad decisions affect credit and purchasing power.
Whether your child is just starting to learn the value
of money or is old enough to have a bank account, the
money skills you set while they are young could help them
develop financial skills for a lifetime. For more ideas on
teaching kids about money, as well as resources on everyday money matters for adults, www.bettermoneyhabits.
BPT
com.

S-14 Jewish Standard

WINTER 2016

BAR/BAT MITZVAH

Still water runs deep

A grandfather reflects on his first grandson becoming a bar mitzvah
Ed Silberfarbx
My first grandson becomes a bar mitzvah. This is not
your routine mazel tov. This calls for skywriting, fireworks, a Navy flyover by the Blue Angels, and a Torahshaped ice sculpture at least two stories high. Charter a
cruise ship? Rent a stadium? All routine. Its been done.

For this first grandson the rite of passage must be like

no other.
This ceremony will be aboard the U.S. space station
the first bar mitzvah in outer space. A few problems come
to mind but can be overcome. Assemble a minion of 10
qualified space travelers who can all fit aboard. Schedule
must not violate Shabbat liftoff on Sunday, return before

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the weekend, with Torah readings Monday and Thursday

in between. Kiddush may be limited to pemmican, powdered eggs and other astronaut fare, but all with an OU
certification. During the reception the recorded songs
of Soul Farm and Matisyahu will echo through the space
capsule.
Im jolted out of my reverie with word from my son and
daughter-in-law. Naftali knows how he would like to celebrate his bar mitzvah. He would have a siyum a seder

His tractate deals with

celebration of the festivals
and in repeating the last line;
Naftali makes the traditional
proclamation that he will return
and study again. Thus the
siyyum is not just a conclusion,
but also a beginning.
to mark the conclusion of his studying of a tractate from
the Mishnah. Naftali and his father have spent more than
a year learning together, and have completed the portion

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The authors grandson, Naftali Silberfarb.

Jewish Standard

in time for Naftali to repeat the last line at his bar mitzvah
reception, the bo-ba-yom.
The party will be on Sunday so guests will not have to
travel on Shabbat. And rather than confining it to the limitations of a space station, it will take place in the more
spacious dining room of a local Chinese restaurant. The
proprietor will supplement the Cantonese dishes with his
specialty Persian rice.
Some 75 relatives, friends, and teachers attended and
they came from as far as Mexico, California, Vermont
and Virginia. The restaurant served no alcohol to the dismay of many, especially one uncle who disappeared and
returned 20 minutes later with bottles of vodka and single
malt Scotch so the proceedings could begin.
Remarks by Naftalis father, grandfather, various rabbeim, including one from Israel, and then the bar mitzvah himself. He offers thanks to family, teachers and even
classmates who roar approval. His tractate deals with celebration of the festivals and in repeating the last line he
makes the traditional proclamation that he will return and
study again. Thus the siyum is not just a conclusion, but
also a beginning.
Instead of Soul Farm and Matisyahu, Naftalis cousin
on guitar leads a group with keyboard and drums, while
another cousin provides the vocal. It was a rollicking
songfest that rocked through the afternoon. It changed the
tempo of the occasion. The earlier remarks were heartfelt
and moving, but the music created the freilich, or happy
mood. The guitarist set the tone with a bright yellow tape
that said Crime Scene. Do Not Cross. He wore it across
his chest like a bandoleer.
And the dancing, even the rabbeim, especially the rabbeim, were into it. Naftalis classmates, adolescents of
various sizes, bobbed up and down like targets in a shooting gallery with the post bar mitzvah boys outrageous in
their Borsalino hats. On the other side of the machitza,
the women, young and old, kept pace.
The next day a minion comprising only family members
and a few friends gathered in the synagogue for shacharit.
A cousin led the davening and Naftali, draped in tefillin,
read parshat Vayikro from the Torah. Afterward the group
celebrated with bagels, cream cheese, smoked fish, coffee
and pastry.
And the following Shabbat, with the whole congregation attending, Naftali read the Haftarah. The kiddush
afterward was a symbolic conclusion to the simcha.
Some weeks earlier, on his birthday, Naftali, under his
fathers direction and with intensity, laid tefillin for the
first time. He even checked with a pocket mirror to make
sure the shel rosh, the headpiece, was in the exact center
of his forehead.
Later, reflecting on the bar mitzvah events, Naftali
recalled with pride his feeling of accomplishment at
the completion of his learning of the tractates from the
Mishnah and the celebratory siyyum. And he had glowing appreciation for his cousins rock band and the family Shacharit minyan. It was a reminder that a bar mitzvah celebration doesnt require an orbiting space station,
fireworks or even an ice sculpture. The warmth of family
and the reminder of a father and sons year of learning
together makes the simcha special.
Ed Silberfarb was a reporter for the Bergen Record in New
Jersey, then the New York Herald Tribune where he was City
Hall bureau chief. Later, he was a public information officer
for the New York City Transit Authority and editor of one of its
employee publications.

S-15

4Sixty6 caterers grand opening

features mitzvah showcase
4Sixty6 Caterers is celebrating its grand opening with a
Mitzvah Showcase at the end of this month. The Mitzvah Showcase is an event that allows the community
to experience the luxurious space, delicious food and
amazing lighting/sound system 4Sixty6 Caterers has
to offer at no charge. 4Sixity6 Caterers at 466 Prospect Ave., West Orange, is inviting everyone on Jan. 31

from noon to 3 p.m. 4Sixty6 Caterers and Pure Entertainments DJs and dancers will create an afternoon
to remember. Experience 4Sixty6 caterers culinary
teams creations and see why this is the hottest mitzvah venue in New Jersey. For more information and to
RSVP, www.4sixty6caterers.com. Casual attire.

S-16 Jewish Standard

WINTER 2016

BAR/BAT MITZVAH

Dont sweat the small stuff

Focus on the meaning of the day and not on the centerpieces

Yvette Alt Millerx

y sons bar mitzvah was

beautiful and we all were so
proud, but I realized I made
some mistakes. Here are my
biggest blunders and what Id do differently if I could do it again

Being detail-obsessed
For me, it was the centerpieces on the
tables during Shabbat lunch. There were
plenty of details to organize, but for some
reason I got hung up on the flowers. With
gorgeous centerpieces, I was sure that
the room where we were having kiddush
would look great. Without them, I pictured
it looking terrible.
As the weeks went by, I talked about the
centerpieces constantly. Everyone had
good ideas, and I listened to them all. A
friend and I arranged to buy flowers the
day before the bar mitzvah from a wholesaler. I arrived at the wholesaler on Friday

morning, only to be absolutely crushed.

Something had happened to the shipment,
and there were no flowers to buy, no gorgeous bouquets to arrange.
That night, our family and friends gathered for Shabbat dinner and a few lonely
flowers Id hastily purchased from a local
supermarket adorned the tables. Its
beautiful, one relative said. The room
looks great, said another. After months
of planning and hours of debate, nobody
cared.
I didnt need to drive myself crazy making everything super-perfect. A nice meal
with family and friends made the evening
perfect

Putting on a show
A couple months before my sons bar mitzvah, one of his teachers asked, Why are
you pushing him so hard? My son was
planning to do a lot during Shabbat services, and I was encouraging him every
step of the way. Until his teacher pointed

out my son was getting stressed. Perhaps

my encouragement was more like relentless pressure instead.
A good friend who is a child psychologist once told me she advises parents to
stop and ask themselves what is motivating them. Are they trying to do whats best
for their children or for themselves?
Why was I pressuring my son so much?
Was it to show off? As the stress mounted,
I realized it certainly wasnt for his benefit.
That teachers question was a turning
point. My husband and I had a long talk
with our son and scaled back some of
our expectations for him. He still led a
lot of the service at his bar mitzvah and
showcased his knowledge and achievements, but with fewer expectations and
a lot less stress.

Forgetting what its all about

Weve all heard those stories of over the
top bar and bat mitzvah parties more
bar than mitzvah and of course,

The table may be pretty, but instead of

obsessing over the flowers and settings,
its more important to focus on the meaning of the event.

we tell ourselves, were not at all like that.

Wed never lose sight of the meaning in
planning an event for our children.
But I nearly did. Once the service
started, I found myself going over and over
all the details for the luncheon to follow in
my mind. Instead of focusing on what was

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Jewish Standard

taking place right before my eyes, I was

distracted by less important details.
It took a huge effort to redirect my attention and really concentrate on what was
taking place right before my eyes.
There was my son, leading the service,
reading from the Torah. At the conclusion
of the Torah service, my husband went
up and recited a traditional bar mitzvah
blessing over our son. I felt tears prickling
my eyes as the enormity of what we were
celebrating finally hit me. Our son is now
responsible for his own decisions and religious observance. He can read from the
Torah, lead services, and act on behalf of
the community. Moreover, at 13, the mystical sources explain that he receives the
capacity to move away from being selfishly
focused and start thinking of others as
well. It was an awesome moment, and Im
glad I didnt miss it while thinking about
seating arrangements or the finer points
of our menu.

by everyone you love at this instant. Dont

let the moment slip by.
I thought of her words just before the
Shabbat service ended at my own sons
bar mitzvah. Id been so busy for days.
Even as friends and family came into

I felt tears prickling

my eyes as the
enormity of what
we were celebrating
finally hit me. Our son
is now responsible for
his own decisions and
religious observance.

town for the weekend, I was somehow

always too frazzled to stop and savor
their presence. But now I stopped and
turned around. My son had just done
Letting the moment slip by
a breathtaking job leading the service,
A few months ago, we attended a nephreading from the Torah, and delivering
ews bar mitzvah, and I was struck by
a beautiful dvar Torah, a bar mitzvah
something his mother told him. Look
speech; I was so proud of his self-assurance
and mastery
over
the
material
it1 had
around
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said.
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surrounded
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taken him over a year to learn.

As I basked in the glow of that wonderful moment, I looked around and surveyed
the packed shul our friends, our neighbors, our family, and members of our community filling every seat and felt a happiness Id never known before.
Now that the day has passed and the
bar mitzvah is over, thats the point in
time I think of and hold on to: feeling so
proud of my son, and so connected to
those around us who had come to synagogue to celebrate with us gazing into
everyones face, appreciating their company, living for one instance fully in
the wonderful moment.

Not consulting my son

What are we doing after Shabbat?
My sons question startled me. For
months Id been planning the perfect
Shabbat celebrations to mark his bar mitzvah. Id spoken with countless friends,
talked for hours with people about food,
drinks, invitations and other details and
had settled on what I thought of as the perfect celebration: a Shabbat morning service, followed by a tasteful lunch.
Now, I realized, in all my months of

planning, Id never thought to consult

my son. When he was little, I used to plan
birthday parties for him magic themes,
a Harry Potter party and I loved the fact
that whatever I decided on seemed to
delight him. But this time things were different. At the moment when we were planning how to celebrate my son becoming a
man, he unsurprisingly had his own
strong opinions for a change.
Since relatives and friends are planning to be with us, my son patiently
explained, we should have a malava
malka after Shabbat party too. I found
myself opening my mouth to argue
when I paused and took a good look at my
son. Hes getting to be nearly as tall as I
am now. I thought for a moment of all the
work, the over a year of effort hed put
into preparing. It had often occurred to
me during the year that he is outstripping
me in his knowledge and learning in many
areas. My son is growing up.
Instead of arguing, I listened to this
wise almost adult. We planned the malava
malka together. He really did know best. It
was the highlight of the weekend.
Reprinted with permission of aish.com

201
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S-17

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S-18 Jewish Standard

WINTER 2016

BAR/BAT MITZVAH

Layer it up with necklaces from Red Velvet Luxe

JOHANNA RESNICK ROSEN

PHOTOGRAPHY

www.joresnickrosen.com
joresnickrosen@gmail.com

(o) 201-670-8199
(c) 201-805-3989

Cantor

Barbra
Lieberstein

0002441714-01.qxd

10/15/08

5:09 PM

Necklaces add instant pop to an outfit, complete a look,

and add flair to a basic ensemble. Happily, there are great
necklace trends to consider. The good news is you can
add to necklaces already in your wardrobe from last season and now layer them up with new necklaces from this
year, said Randi Shinske, owner of Red Velvet Luxe, a
discount jewelry store in Ridgewood. The secret is combining different lengths and shapes.
The long pendant, popular for the last few seasons, will
continue into 2016. Pendants are great for casual wear
when you just want to add a little touch of something to a
sweater and jeans outfit. They also look great when worn
with a basic dress. Theyre called statement necklaces
for a reason. These eye-catching, bold and often chunky
Page 1

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necklaces add striking style to any outfit and call attention to the face. Not sure how to wear one? Try keeping
the rest of your outfit minimal and making it all about the
necklace.
Layered necklaces give any outfit an artistic and creative
look. There are two ways to do necklace layering. The
first is to take some of your own necklaces and layer them
together to create a layered and eclectic look with different sized and shaped necklaces. The chains that make
up layered necklaces tend to be in different lengths. The
beauty of this is the layers can fill in more open necklines
and add plenty of dimensions to an outfit. A button-down
shirt with layers of necklaces filling in the neckline is very
attractive.
With all the different necklaces out there it can be
hard to choose the right one. First look at whether the
necklace style is right for your body type. For example,
if you have a short neck, shorter, chunky necklaces may
make your neck look even shorter. And women with
large chests sometimes look bustier in long, bulky pendant necklaces.

Calling for
video applications
for scholarships
Greater Alliance Federal Credit Union is once again
offering scholarships to its members. The Rocco
Montesano Scholarship Foundation, named for one
of the credit unions founders, is awarding $7,500 in
scholarship money in 2016.
This year the scholarship application features a
twist. All applications must be video submissions.
Applicants are encouraged to share their submissions online with their friends and family to vote for
their video. The top five vote getters will be judged
by the scholarship committee at the credit union
based on the following criteria: originality/creativity, ability to deliver a message in a clear, cohesive,
and impactful way, effectiveness in addressing the
scholarship question and accuracy of information
presented. Applicants are encouraged to be creative
as they tell their story of what impact they have had
on others and why they are the best candidate.
The scholarship is open to all credit union members in Bergen and Passaic counties. First prize is
$3,500, second prize is $2,500, and third prize is
$1,500. Scholarships are earmarked for tuition,
books, lodging or meal costs and will be made payable to the college or technical school the student is
attending.
For more information visit www.greateralliance.
org/en/scholarship/submit.
Over the years, the credit union has distributed
scholarship money to help students meet their educational goals. Every year Greater Alliance holds a
golf outing, which is held each May, it is the longest
running charitable golf outing for a credit union and
helps fund these scholarships.

Jewish Standard

S-19

g
e

m
-

n
y

e
,
y
h
-

Mitzvah mom designs software

for bar bat mitzvah planning

itzvah Mom Sheri Lapidus

used her knowledge and
experience to make it easier
for families to plan their bar
and bat mitzvahs by developing Mitzvah
Organizer, software that resides in the
clouds, and which helps parents keep track
of all the planning details for their special
occasion.
In 2008, Ms. Lapidus launched MitzvahMarket.com, a comprehensive bar bat
mitzvah resource, after she and her friends
who were making their own simchas
were trying to find a one-stop shop to
answer their questions. Since none existed,
she created it. The website has grown to
include more than 2,000 articles featuring novel ideas, mitzvah project resource
section, vendor directory to connect parents and suppliers, a mom-to-mom advice
section, and the readers favorite, mitzvah
family spotlight stories based on real-life
celebrations.
Having used the Internet to offer thousands of families advice on how to plan
their celebrations, Ms. Lapidus embarked
on the next step: simplifying the simcha.
Using technology, she created Mitzvah
Organizer, which keeps track of all the
details involved in arranging the entire celebration. Moms are thinking about their
events all their time, so Mitzvah Organizer
is with them 24/7, stored in the cloud and
available on a laptop, tablet and phone.
The next challenge in building Mitzvah
Organizer was to replay the conversations

she had with parents and how to make their

lives easier. Knowing how busy parents are,
she established a few ground rules: enter
data only once and enable them to easily share information in different formats,
reports, spreadsheets and summaries with
key partners: Rabbis, caterers, calligraphers, etc. If Mitzvah Organizer wasnt
easy to use and comprehensive, it really
didnt solve parents problems.
In organizing Mitzvah Organizer, Ms.
Lapidus identified all the components she
could think of and grouped them into logical categories. The program is structured
around the main areas such as invitations,
table assignments, temple honors and
other logistics. The program accounts for
the different permutations for addressing
envelops, sizes of party favors, song lists
for candle lighting, transportation assignments for bus captains, and other details.
Of course, the software had to address
one of the most important tasks, budgeting. The program can track it down
to the penny, estimates, actual costs and
payments.
When the business grew too big for her
to handle on her own, Ms. Lapidus sold it in
2012 to Davler Media Group, which already
had a bar bat mitzvah magazine and party
showcase business. Now she is the mitzvah executive and oversees a staff of other
moms who produce multi-media services
to help parents through the process. Visit
MitzvahOrganizer.com to see what the
Mitzvah Mom has created.

STAY CONNECTED @LuckyStrikeNY

BOWLLUCKYSTRIKE.COM

www.thejewishstandard.com

*RESTRICTIONS MAY APPLY

S-20 Jewish Standard

WINTER 2016

Some goodies from food trucks Wafels &

Dinges, and inset, Crepes Truck.

BAR/BAT MITZVAH

Keep on truckin
Food trucks are all the rage at
bar and bat mitzvah celebrations
Sheri Lapidusx

t a typical bar or bat mitzvah celebration, there is

plenty of food between the
cocktail hour, the party
itself and the many desserts. When
the celebration ends, its hard to imagine you will ever be hungry again.
That thought quickly evaporates as
you get outside and find a delicious
mitzvah exit treat parked right outside. Although not really hungry, folks
are happy to grab a little something
to eat on the way home.
Welcome, the food truck. Recently,
gourmet food trucks have been seen
all over the country and many bar and
bat mitzvah families are incorporating

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this concept into their childs celebration. These trucks are stocked with
that extra goodie that guests didnt
dine on or drink when they were celebrating the bar or bat mitzvah inside
the party.
James Klayman, owner of Gorilla
Cheese NYC, said the food truck adds
a novel and emotional component to
the partys farewell.
People eat complex foods all night
at parties, and unlike 40 years ago,
when you left a bar or bat mitzvah
and got bagels and the morning newspaper, now you come outside and get
something off a food truck like Gorilla
Cheese NYC, Mr. Klayman said. Its
a nice simple nostalgic treat, a warm
fuzzy feeling food.

Jewish Standard

S-21

START YOUNG
START SMART

A cheese dish
from the Gorilla
Cheese NYC
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cakes,
pizza, grilled cheese, crepes,
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3. Think about the menu and check with
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Sheri Lapidus is the founder
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MitzvahMarket.com
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Tips for getting a food

truck for the party

3.00%APY* on first $1,000

A $10 Gift Card** every year, on the
date your account was opened
$3 for every A grade, at end of year***
and much more

Apply today!

NEED MONEY
FOR COLLEGE?

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Enter our Video Contest for a chance

JUST STAYING IN THE HOTEL IS CAUSE FOR to win a Greater Alliance Montesano
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CELEBRATION.
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your
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is, CAUSE
it should FOR
be just that: special.
JUST Whatever
STAYING
INspecial
THE HOTEL
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CELEBRATION.
Our dedicated staff will make your event as memorable as it is
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effortless.
Whatever
your special occasion is, it should be just that: special.
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1st Prize: $3,500

2nd Prize: $2,500
3rd Prize: $1,500
Deadline: March 31, 2016
Dont wait!

Our dedicated staff will make your event as memorable as it is

effortless.
Thank you for choosing us as your favorite hotel and hotel catering facility! We

Go to greateralliance.org for official

rules and instructions.

look forward to hosting your next Simcha.

Thank you for choosing us as your favorite hotel and hotel catering facility! We
look forward to hosting your next Simcha.

2014

JUST STAYING IN THE HOTEL

2014 CELEBRATION
READERS
IS CAUSE FOR

CHOICE
Whatever your special RE
occasion
is,
it
should
be just that: special.
ADERS
CHOICE
Our dedicated staff will make your eventFIRST
as memorable
PLACE as it is effortless.

Teaneck Marriott at
Glenpointe
Teaneck Marriott
at
GlenpointeTeaneck, NJ
Teaneck, NJ
201-836-0600
201-836-0600

FIRST PLACE HOTEL CATERING

FACILITY
HOTEL CATERING
2015
FACILITY

READERS
CHOICE

To learn more, visit greateralliance.org,

stop by one of our branches: Paramus, Hackensack,
Paterson, or call 888-554-2328 x280.
*Annual Percentage Yield effective 12/1/15 and is subject to change without notice. Additional verification may be requested for account opening. Fees or
other conditions could reduce earnings. Certain restrictions may apply. 3.00% APY is earned on balances up to $1,000, balance higher than $1,000 earn
0.10% APY. **A $10 gift voucher will be mailed to you, please bring the voucher to the branch to redeem your $10 gift card. ***You will need to bring in the
final end of year report card to a nearest branch and we will deposit $3 into your Savings account based on the number of A grades you have received,
grade 9 through 12 only. Membership conditions may apply.

S-22 Jewish Standard

WINTER 2016

Helping support
the youngster
for the big day
Heidi Mae Brattx
Marc Klausner is having a bar mitzvah of sorts.
Not the usual kind, but he is marking 13 years of
being the bnai mitzvah coordinator, or liaison, at
his synagogue, Temple Emeth in Teaneck, where
he has helped shepherd many a young man and
woman to Jewish responsibility.
In his role at the synagogue professionally he
is a pharmacist Mr. Klausner helps match the
youngsters with their bnai mitzvah tutors or the
cantor or the rabbi in the various ways in which
they help with a dvar Torah or with reading the
Haftorah or leading the service.
Mr. Klausner said that the synagogue especially
prides itself on customizing the role the youngster
will play in their big day, according to his or her
abilities, whether its a strong student who wants a
key leadership role or if its a student whose abilities may be limited in some ways.
Another thing that is unique to Temple Emeth,
Mr. Klausner said, is that lay people are used to do
the tutoring.

In fact, Temple Emeth, is not alone in its bar-bat

mitzvah support role.
Many synagogues, and especially Hebrew
schools, work to help train the youngsters for the
big day.
And some have developed bar mitzvah support
courses outside of the synagogue.
Take Rabbi Stephen Knapp, assistant principal
at Westchester Day School, a modern Orthodox
middle school, and the head of the youth program
at Congregation Beth Aaron in Teaneck, who has
developed a Bar Mitzvah Boot Camp course that
he has given in the past live, and on Skype.
The course covers such issues as gil mitzvot, that
is the time of becoming obligated in the mitzvot,
the party, as in why are we really celebrating, tefillin, role models and peer pressure, being a chazzan
and baal koreh and preparing a dvar Torah.
Rabbi Knapp said that the program for boys was
an outgrowth of another program he created for
boys that was based on the popular Matan MotherDaughter Bat Mitzvah program.
I saw the powerful relationship in the motherdaughter model and thought that a lot of our
fathers are giving the responsibility of learninig
with their sons to an expert (like someone to tutor
their son). So this was a way to involve them, said
Rabbi Knapp.
He hopes to continue teaching the Bar Mitzvah
Boot Camp in the near future.

RCBC

WE
DELIVER

BAR/BAT MITZVAH

Bar/bat mitzvah tutoring

in the home
Cantor Barbra will tutor students in their homes in Bergen and Rockland Counties. She has recently received requests outside the area
to conduct lessons by Skype or Facetime. Skype and FaceTime have
become popular with long-distance college learning, voice lessons,
and now bar/bat mitzvah lessons. Cantor Barbra prefers to supplement home-based lessons with Skype or FaceTime, however sometimes a students schedule temporarily conflicts with Cantor Barbras opening up the option to have a Skype lesson for a few months.
Cantor Barbra accommodates each family by tailoring the bar/bat
mitzvah service according to the students strengths and the familys preference. She normally uses the Reform liturgy for Shabbat
morning or Havdalah services. However, one family rented out the
sanctuary of a Reconstructionist synagogue for a Havdalah service
using the Reconstructionist liturgy. Another family who came from
a more traditional background requested a Conservative havdalah
service. There has also been the trend of intimate ceremonies in
the families living rooms.
Cantor Barbra received ordination from The Academy for Jewish
Religion, a pluralistic seminary for rabbis and cantors in New York
City. She is also certified through the American Conference of Cantors (Reform) and the Cantors Assembly (Conservative). She is a
member of the Womens Cantors Network and has been singing with
the NJ Cantors Concert Ensemble since 1995.
To contact Cantor Barbra, please visit her website: www.cantorbarbra.com or call 201-788-6653.

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MITZVAH CELEBRATION
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