Compassionate Communication One Page Reference Guide

Key Differentiations

Three Modes for Connection

(Honesty, Empathy, Self-Connection)

Four Steps to each Mode: Practice Templates

The practice template language - the formula - is not the foundation of NVC, but simply a
method by which the essence of NVC can be learned. The foundation of NVC is the
development of our innate capacity for self-connection, empathy, emotional self-regulation,
emotional intelligence, social intelligence, and mind-body-heart integration. The foundation is
heart-connection and a consciousness of our fundamental interconnection with others and
life. The aim is not only the power to use language skillfully and creatively, but also the
power to use our hearts, our love, to connect and heal. The language is not a substitute for
self-connection and compassion. While the capacity for empathy is hard-wired in us, our
ability to be self-aware, self-connected, and communicate with empathy & love is learned.
The consistent practice of NVC is one way to develop this power.

Honesty: Expressing Your Aliveness/Truth Compassionately

(without blame, criticism, or demand)

When I {see, hear, remember, imagine, think, tell myself}

or {describe action that I took}, (an observation)
I {feel, choose to}
because I {need, value, want, wish, aspire to, long / yearn for}
would you (a request a specific, concrete, positive, doable action)?
You can also ask at any time: Would you be willing to tell me what youre
hearing is important to me?

(without blame, criticism, or demand)

Imagination, assumption, interpretation, evaluation,

label, diagnosis, comparison, moral judgment (
right/wrong, good/bad), attach meaning.

Thinking (reasoning), images, stories, interpretations

of what others are doing to us.
Needs
vs.
Strategies, action, habit (specifics of who, what,
- universal
when, where, how & how much)
Requests
vs.
Demands or complaints
- Present time
(shame, guilt; reward & punishment)
- Doable, concrete, specific
- Positive (what I do want, not what I don't want)
Two types of requests:

Empathy: Receiving Anothers Aliveness/Truth Compassionately

Observation vs.
- witnessing
- discernment
- describing what is
Feelings
vs.

When you {see, hear, remember, imagine, think, tell yourself}

or {describe action that was taken},
are you {feeling, choosing to}
because you {need, value, want, wish, aspire to, long/yearn for} ?
(would you like {to, me to, someone to}?)
Then: Is there more you want to say before I respond? Or: Is there anything else
youd like to say?

- Connecting requests - for opening, clarifying and encouraging the

connection between us; includes your reflection of what youre hearing is
important to me; and how you are feeling about what I said.
- Solution/action requests proposed strategies to meet everyones needs.
1. We describe what is alive in us using words that describe essential
qualities of being (alive): our embodied feelings, innate needs, vital
impulses, values, longings, yearnings, and aspirations.
2. The motivation for all human action and thinking are needs that we are
seeking to meet. Everything we think or do, no matter how tragic or
misguided, whether conscious or unconscious, is our best attempt, in the
moment, to meet our needs. No behavior is entirely altruistic.
3. Needs are universal: All human beings share the same needs (though not
with the same urgency at the same time). All of our needs deeply matter in
our ability to fully thrive.
4. Needs are intrinsic and inalienable: Words that express needs attempt to
describe an intrinsic and inalienable part of our aliveness - the sacred

ba: to meet my needs for contribution, community, connection and support, permission to copy, share and adapt this
work is granted, as long as you share it on the same terms, credit me for it, and include my contact information. For public workshops, organizational trainings, group facilitation, practice groups, and
personal coaching please contact me. Ask about bringing this work to your relationships and organization.

2005-15 Upgeya Pew, 541-362-1011, spirit@lovebeing.org, under

instinctual life energy flowing through us, seeking fulfillment. There is no divorce
from needs. We cannot choose not to have them. We can choose to ignore them.
We can choose not to meet them. But as long as we are alive, we cannot choose
what needs we have or dont have.
5. Feelings result from our experience of our needs being met or unmet. Feelings
give us information about our needs. When our needs are met, we feel happy,
satisfied, excited, etc. When our needs are not met, we feel sad, scared, hurt.
6. Stimulus vs. Cause: With the exception of physical violence, events (including
what others say or how they say it) stimulate but do not cause our feelings.
Feelings are caused by our needs, met or unmet, when a stimulus, filtered
through our thoughts, perceptions and beliefs, impacts those needs. Our
assessment of whether or not our needs are met often involves an interpretation
or belief.
REQUEST
FEELINGS

FILTER: Perceptions,
viewpoints, imagination,
interpretations, beliefs,
judgments

THE FOUR
COMPONENTS
(+ 1)
NEEDS

OBSERVATIONS
(Stimuli)

(Life
energy)

7. Moralistic Judgment (right/wrong, good/bad; blame, criticism, praise,

compliment); Diagnosis (static thinking about what people are, including enemy
images); Demands (have to, must, should, obligation); Deserve thinking
(punishment and reward); and Violence are tragic expressions of pain and
unmet needs we all share as human beings. They carry life-connected
information in an ineffective and costly form. Judgments aren't a bad thing they are a tragic thing, because they express a deep need in a way that makes it
very difficult to get that need met. Every judgment is the tragic expression of an
unmet need.
8. Evaluation is the process of assessing the value of something. This evaluation
can be either moralistic judgment (right/wrong, good/bad), or it can be based on

the extent to which certain values are fulfilled or needs are met/unmet (value
judgment).
9. Observations are what a camera or tape recorder would record, devoid of
values, meaning, interpretation, evaluation, diagnosis and judgment. Clear
observations create space for awareness of and responsibility for beliefs,
meanings, & interpretations.
10. Strategies are chosen (and proposed via requests). There are many ways
to meet our needs. We meet our needs through the who, what, when,
where, how, and how much of strategies. .
11. Conflicts occur between differing strategies to meet needs not between
different needs. We share the same needs, but not the same strategies to
meet needs. Our mutual challenge is to find the strategies that meet all of
our needs not some needs at the expense of other needs, or some
peoples needs at the expense of other people.
12. The Intention of NVC is Connection: When we have a certain quality of
connection between us, based in an awareness of shared needs that opens
our hearts and inspires natural giving and receiving, then we are more likely
to get everyones needs met peacefully.
Feelings When
Needs Not Met

Feelings When
Needs Met

Needs We All Have

Afraid, Scared
Angry, Annoyed
Conflicted
Depressed
Despair, Guilt, Shame
Disappointed
Disconnected
Frustrated
Hurt, Sad
Helpless
Impatient
Jealous
Resentful
Rattled, Shocked
Troubled, Upset
Uncomfortable

Alert, Amazed
Affectionate
Carefree, Confident
Content, Delighted
Elated, Encouraged
Enthusiastic
Excited, Free
Grateful, Happy
Interested
Inspired, Joyful
Moved
Playful
Peaceful
Relaxed, Satisfied
Tender, Touched
Vibrant, Warm

Adventure, Autonomy
Acceptance, Appreciation
Belonging, Caring, Fun
Compassion, Closeness
Community, Connection
Contribution, Consideration
Dignity, Empathy, Equality
Growth, Honesty, Integrity
Inspiration, Inclusion
Justice (to matter), Learning
Love, Meaning, Mourning
Peace, Partnership, Play
Rest, Respect, Sustenance
Reassurance, Safety, Trust
Support, Self-expression
Understanding, Variety

ba: to meet my needs for contribution, community, connection and support, permission to copy, share and adapt this work is
granted, as long as you share it on the same terms, credit me for it, and include my contact information. For public workshops, organizational trainings, group facilitation, practice groups, and personal coaching
please contact me. Ask about bringing this work to your relationships and organization.

2005-15 Upgeya Pew, 541-362-1011, spirit@lovebeing.org, under