FROM YOUR ARTICLE : LEAD

Each day I live, I want to be..a day to give the best of me. I'm only one but I'm not
alone. My finest day is yet unknown. Just give me a moment in time. (dapat
nakastanza to)
Yung paggamit mo ng ellipsis (...) kumpletuhin mo.
WHAT IM ACTUALLY SAYING/SUGGESTING:
Each day I live,
I want to be...
A day to give the best of me
Im only one but Im not alone
My finest day is yet unknown
Just give me... a moment of time

FROM YOUR ARTICLE: FIRST PARAGRAPH

I'm living in a world where truth and destiny follows (dapat follow) the same
pattern- (hindi dapat gitling ginamit mo rito, use em-dash (--). Panghahalili yun sa
comma pero hindi dapat abusuhin.) the matrix of lies. It is the cycle that controls
my whole being! (not necessary to use (!) punctuation) "Scream! Run! Walk!",
(dapat Scream! Run! Walk!, (no need for dash)commands that have been with
me since I realized that I'm not existing anymore! Voices are locking me in an
indescribable (indescribable? Really? You better describe it cause your a Feature
writer, kid.) cage! (not necessary to use (!) punctuation) My portrait is fading! Yes, I
am dying inside. (better if Yes... I am dying inside.)
WHAT IM ACTUALLY SAYING / SUGGESTING:
Im living in a world where truth and destiny follow the same pattern -- the matrix of
lies. It is the cycle that controls my whole being. Scream! Run! Walk!, commands
that have been with me since I realized that I'm not existing anymore! Voices are
locking me in a huge, steel, and monstrous cage. My portrait is faiding! Yes... I am
dying inside.
MY COMMENT FOR THE CONTENT: Parang naliligaw ka. Iba-iba ang ideas mo. Walang
kaisahan. Maganda ang pinararating mo pero kulang ka sa UNITY.
FROM YOUR ARTICLE: SECOND PARAGRAPH
"Oblivion will soon kill you", fear whispers. Then I suddenly ask myself the
questions that circle the entire room (room? Napunta ka sa room? Akala ko ba nasa
cage ka?). Who am I? Who am I to feel love? Who am I to see hope? Well, who

knows? (out of a sudden na nagbigay ng oblivion line si fear, bakit nagkaroon ng

ganitong mga tanong? Awkward.) The day will soon reveal the answers when my
shadow is gone. On that day, the song of oblivion will ring for all eternity!
MY COMMENT FOR THE CONTENT: Hindi ko maintindihan, I mean, I am also a deep
writer na mahilig sa deep ideas and deap words in deep sentence construction, pero
hindi ko to maintindihan. Walang kaisahan. Walang unity. Kapag iba na yung idea
mo mula sa nauna mong idea, next paragraph na. Magulo. Naliligaw ka.
FROM YOUR ARTICLE: THIRD PARAGRAPH
I can still reminisce the days when I wake up at 5:00 in the morning with my
cousins to witness the sun as it covers the glories of the horizon. Those times are
the days of Summer where my heart blooms like the flowers in my Grandma's
garden. Grasses are pricking the soles of our feet as we walk on farms to see how
my father harvest our crops. We move through the low fields singing together as we
take our path on the river where we take pictures of the fishes leaping on their
cages. These moments now served as the back windows of my joyous childhood,
the rest were history for they belong on the past as its jewelries.
MY COMMENT FOR THE CONTENT: Okay.
FROM YOUR ARTICLE: FOURTH PARAGRAPH
I can also remember the days when I have (had) nothing. The days when I wished
that my childhood never ends (would never end), though I know those are just the
games of my memory (memory or imagination?).
WHAT IM ACTUALLY SAYING/SUGGESTING:
I can also remember the days when I had nothing. The days when I wished that my
childhood would never end, though I know those are just the games of my
imagination.
CONTENT: Okay.
FROM YOUR ARTICLE: FIFTH PARAGRAPH
Time passed by when I noticed that I already embraced the spirit of Euphoria
in my existence. Days have (had) been my hours, when everything is temporary.
Years have (had) been months where I consider (considered) life as a game of
failure (of failures). The past years already showed me the memories of my day
cries (day cries? Daily tears or sorrws, rather). The days where I can (could) see
myself alone in one corner begging like a servant for love in a winter like (winterlike) room. The days where I have (had) to fake every smile and laughs just to hide
from the illusions of fear and hopelessness.

WHAT IM ACTUALLY SAYING SUGGESTING:

Time passed by when I noticed that I already embraced the spirit of Euphoria in my
existence. Days have (had) been my hours, when everything is temporary. Years
had been months where I consider (considered) life as a game of failures. The past
years already showed me the memories of my daily tears. The days where I could
see myself alone in one corner begging like a servant for love in a winter-like room.
The days where I had)to fake every smile and laughs just to hide from the illusions
of fear and hopelessness.
CONTENT: Okay, may emoyson na.
FROM YOUR ARTICLE: SIXTH PARAGRAPH
People passed (na naman? Use came) on my presence but they never
noticed me crying in agony. Those are (were) the days where they can (could) see
me bringing happiness to everyone but at the end, I am (was) still the loser. The
person who creates joy is the same person who can't see happiness for his own. I'm
(was) the person who knows (knew) everybody but blind and innocent to his own
image. Ridiculous it is (was), but reality unveils (unveiled) it! Emptiness really
freezes (freezed) me down 'cause I can't (couldnt) feel anything. Silence shut me
out. It is (was) a race where I can't (couldnt) run nor escape for in my shoulders,
hymns of tears lean on. Now, I'm still waiting for the day where the chains will be
broken, where the gulls fly free, where fear is dead and love will open the gates for
me.
WHAT IM ACTUALLY SAYING/SUGGESTING:
People came on my presence but they never noticed me crying in agony. Those
were the days where they could see me bringing happiness to everyone but at the
end, I was still the loser. The person who creates joy is the same person who can't
see happiness for his own. I was the person who knew everybody but blind and
innocent to his own image. Ridiculous it was, but reality unveiled it! Emptiness
really freezed me down 'cause I couldnt feel anything. Silence shut me out. It was a
race where I couldnt run nor escape for in my shoulders, hymns of tears lean on.
Now, I'm still waiting for the day where the chains will be broken, where the gulls
fly free, where fear is dead and love will open the gates for me.
CONTENT: Magulo. Pero nandon naman ang ibig mong sabihin.
FROM YOUR ARTICLE: SEVENTH PARAGRAPH
That will be my 168th day. The day where I can now tell who am I. The day
where I will not be racing for my destiny. The day where I can see all the visions of
humanity (exaggerated na masyado, hindi na factual). As I look back in the past,
memories will not fade anymore (fade anymore pero naaalala mo nga) and will

forever be written on this great note. Soon on my 168th day, life will be the greatest
myth and death will be the eternal tale (death will be the eternal tale? What?).
Dreams will never be chased anymore.
CONTENT: Ang gulo.
Soon on that day but "SOON" is already dead, 'cause that day is today (Soon
is already dead, cause the day I had been waiting for... is today!). The day of my
second death. Today, death offers the arts of life. The paintings of tomorrows,the
writings of the past, and the canvass of the physical world. Let it be! For today
death will also sing me the phrases of victory and liberty. On that ONE MOMENT IN
TIME, illusions (bakit illusions?) will stay forever.
CONTENT: Nawala ka na.
Now, I'll not race for destiny. For I am flying free. Goodbye for I again (will)
close my eyes. Let the song of oblivion invades this history all at once!
Sing with it! Freedom will again ring!
OVERALL COMMENT: Walang kinalaman ang title mo sa pinagsasabi mo. Ang
oblivion ay pagkawalan ng malay o pagkakaalam sa mga bagay, pero yung sinabi
mo... youre more like breaking free. Nawawala ka sa thought mo. Parang nagdrama
ka lang pero poker faced ka talaga. May grammar issues din. Im like, and this is
your past so what? Walang interesting. Usual na yung mga ganitong klaseng
article. Tapos, yung ilang elegant words mo feeling ko nilagay mo lang para
gumanda ang ibig sabihin ng sentences mo pero wala naman talagang kinalaman.
Kung tama nga ako na ang topic ninyo ay 168th page of my chuchu
autobiography na binigay ni Sir Rupert ay pareho tayo ng topic. At usual na yung
ganitong article. Walang bago.