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Dale Andersen

562-508-5820
andersen.dale@gmail.com

TAKE A DEEP BREATH, HOLD IT AND SQUEEZE


By

Dale Andersen

2
Actor # Act I Scene 1

Act I Sc2

Act I Sc3

Act I Sc4

Actor 1

Angel

Angel

Shammah

Angel

Actor 2

David

David

David

David

Actor 3

Real God

Real God

Messenger, Real God

Actor 4

Samuel

Samuel

Actor 5

God

Abinadab

God

Actor 6

Epic Poet

Jew 1

Saul

Saul

Actor 7

Epic Storyteller

Jew 2

Eliab

Deputy 1

Actor 8

Gonzo Journalist

Jew 3

Goliath

Deputy 2

Actor # Act II Scene 1

Act II Sc2

Act II Sc3

Act II Sc4

Actor 1

Angel

Shammah

Angel

Outlaw 2, Angel

Actor 2

David

David

David

David

Jesse

Real God

Real God

Actor 3
Actor 4

Preacher

Samuel

Preacher

Outlaw 1

Actor 5

God

Abinadab

God

Cowboy

Actor 6

Saul

Saul

Saul

Absolom, Epic Poet

Actor 7

Deputy 1

Deputy 1, Eliab

Woman 2

Outlaw 3, Epic Storyteller

Actor 8

Deputy 2

Deputy 2

Woman 1

Bathsheba, Gonzo Journalist

Act I Scene 1
(At Rise: DAVID sits, sighs. ANGEL in halo
& wings and wearing flip-flops enters,
carrying a clipboard, clears throat)
ANGEL:
It hasnt been decided yet.
DAVID:
Drat!
Be patient.

ANGEL:
Just a few more minutes or hours or days.

DAVID:
(Springs to his feet)
Or weeks or months or years!
ANGEL:
Its not like that.
DAVID:
Oh yes, it is. You get one shot in this life.
shot. You grab it or its lost forever!

One

ANGEL:
You young people. So impatient, so in the moment.
was like you once.

DAVID:
And look where it got you.
ANGEL:
David, talent is not sometime. Its all-the-time. If
you have it, its forever. If you have it, they will
come to you. Grace Kelly was discovered in a drug
store. Grace Slick was a stewardess before - My name isnt Grace.

DAVID:
Its David.
ANGEL:

It works for David, too.

DAVID:
Maybe Ill just do it myself.
No!

No!

Think!

ANGEL:
Use your noodle!

DAVID:
All I need is a killer story. Something thatll - ANGEL:
Dont even consider going there.
DAVID:
(Ignores ANGEL. Declaims)
The Story of David, as told by himself. I was born in
the house my father built. Lights up on apple-cheeked
lad herding sheep in the dell.
Please, no.

Believe me.

ANGEL:
Thats the worst way.

DAVID:
Itd be original and from the heart.

Itd be honest.

ANGEL:
Itd be dishonest. Face it. Youre too close to the
subject. Which is you.
Now let me show you the
ideas were working on. Observe and listen.
(ANGEL snaps fingers. Puff of smoke. Lights
up, separate space. EPIC POET enters space)
EPIC POET:
Speak O Muse of that man David, who did wander over
hill and dale, seeking honor and glory and
accomplishing great and fantastical deeds. Tell us of
the day he felled the awful giant Goliath in the
Valley of Elah and tell how he chopped off that
hideous monsters head. Yea and sing of his fierce
battles with the dread Saul. Yea and tell of - ANGEL:
Thank you.
EPIC POET:
Do I get the - -

5
ANGEL:
Well let you know.
EPIC POET:
But I - ANGEL:
Go!
Poets.

(EPIC POET exits grumbling)


Pushy bunch.

DAVID:
That wasnt bad. I liked the part about the giant.
ANGEL:
Just listen.
(ANGEL snaps fingers. A puff of smoke. EPIC
STORYTELLER enters separate space)
EPIC STORYTELLER:
Once there was a boy named David who had seven older
brothers. Like all Davids everywhere, he was handsome
and brave and virtuous. One day, who should appear on
his fathers doorstep but Samuel, the great high judge
himself, dressed in costly vestments. Gather your
sons, said he, For on this very day I must appoint
one of them our leader. Well, the father ran hither
and thither and yon, summoning his sons, but, as is
often the case when rushing about, he forgot about
young David up in the hills, watching the flock.
Whereupon - Thank you.

ANGEL:
Well let you know.
(EPIC STORYTELLER exits, miffed)

DAVID:
Now that was kind of lame.
ANGEL:
It gets worse.
(ANGEL snaps fingers. A puff of smoke. GONZO
JOURNALIST enters separate space in a rush)

GONZO JOURNALIST:
I know something you don't know, man. Thats right,
thats right, thats right. Listen, man. This David
is a sane dude in an insane world. Hes stone cold. A
warrior poet. What are they gonna say about him? Are
they gonna say bla-bla-bla X or bla-bla-bla Y or blabla-bla Z? Wrong! I got a clue for you. We dont
have the words. Davids like on this heavy mojo trip,
see? And we're trying to flash on him. Hes like
Manson. Like Sirhan Sirhan. Like Jim Morrison. Its
all there, man. Message is there. But were in this
whole different scene. And its like bumming us out,
dig?
(GONZO JOURNALIST exits in a mad rush.
Blackout on separate space)
DAVID:
Whoa!
(Enter THE REAL GOD, dressed like Marshall
Dillon in Gunsmoke, complete with badge,
gun, holster & hat. Hes taking sips from a
cup of coffee)
ANGEL:
Good afternoon, Your Grace.
THE REAL GOD:
Afternoon.
ANGEL:
Young David is making wonderful progress, Your Grace.
THE REAL GOD:
Good to hear.
ANGEL:
Once we determine the thrust of his story, it will be
an inspiration to all. It will confirm your wisdom and
your authority and the righteousness of your ways.
THE REAL GOD:
Whatve yall been teaching him today?

7
ANGEL:
Ive been explaining the several genres.

Hes - -

Genre.

THE REAL GOD:


Now theres a cityboy word for you.
ANGEL:

I meant style.
THE REAL GOD:
Better.
DAVID:
Actually, I thought the old man was kind of neat.
THE REAL GOD:
(Frowns. Thinks reference is to himself)
Who you callin old man?
ANGEL:
Uh I. I. I had Homer stop by, Your Grace. To
demonstrate the epic gen - - Uh, the epic style.
THE REAL GOD:
Ah yes.

Homer.
(He does this in a country boy voice)
Sing, O goddess, the anger of Achilles.
(Nods, smiles. Prepares to leave)
Well. Good good. Looks like everything here abouts
chuggin along right steady. Lets keep up the good
work. And if theres anything you need, David, just
give a holler. Im easy to find. If Im not in the
bunkhouse or at the chowhall, Im out ridin fence.
(THE REAL GOD turns, starts to walk off)
DAVID:
There is one thing, sir.
ANGEL:
Oh Lord!
THE REAL GOD:
(Stops, turns. Not expecting this)
Yes?

8
DAVID:
Id really like a shot at doing it myself.
THE REAL GOD:
What?
ANGEL:
Your Grace!

Please!

Im really good.

DAVID:
Everyone says so.

ANGEL:
Hes not and they do not.
THE REAL GOD:
(Gives ANGEL a Just what in the Sam Hill is
goin on here? look)
Well, uh. I dont uh rightly know.
ANGEL:
Ive already told him no, Your Grace.
DAVID:
(Takes out schoolboy copybook. Holds it up)
See? I keep a detailed journal. All my ideas. Im
writing a play about myself. I asked him to take a
look, but he - ANGEL:
Did not!
That is not true!
This is the very first
Ive heard of this.
Ill talk to him.
He wont be
doing - DAVID:
Sir. My mother shows my work to all her friends.
Grandpa say its a crime I havent been - -

And

ANGEL:
I apologize, your Grace. Ill straighten this out.
Forthwith and postehaste.
THE REAL GOD:
Now let me get this right in my mind. Youre askin
me to let you write your own story?
You best not be
pullin my leg, boy.

9
ANGEL:
He doesnt know what hes talking about, Your Grace.
DAVID:
I do so know. This is my story. This is my song.
If some other sings it, it will be wrong.
ANGEL:
Did you hear that?
He said wrong. Did you ever hear
such impertinence! He wants artistic control! Even
Adam didnt have artistic control!
THE REAL GOD:
Now just hold your horses, hombre. Dont go gettin a
burr under your saddle. Lets hear the boy out.
ANGEL:
But its unprecedented!
THE REAL GOD:
Maybe its high time a few things got changed around
here.
Thats all I ask, sir.
I give up!

DAVID:
A shot.

My one shot.

ANGEL:
I absolutely give up!

THE REAL GOD:


(Sits, gets comfortable, takes a sip and
sets his coffee cup down, then)
Okay, young fella. Go ahead. Let er rip.
DAVID:
Yes, sir.

Uh.

I.

Uh.

THE REAL GOD:


Thats okay. Even Moses was nervous. Do it like you're
shootin squirrel. Take a deep breath, hold it and
squeeze.
Yes, sir.
father.

DAVID:
We start with David herding sheep for his

10
THE REAL GOD:
Herdin for his daddy. Thats good.

An obedient boy.

DAVID:
Yes, sir.
THE REAL GOD:
Not a troublemaker. Not one of them no-good
bellyachin saddle tramps.
DAVID:
No sir. This is a feel-good story.
positive message.

Dramatic with a

THE REAL GOD:


I like it already!
ANGEL:
Oh Dear God in Heaven!
All right.
sheep?

THE REAL GOD:


What happens next to the boy with the

DAVID:
God makes him sheriff, but the old sheriff wont turn
in his badge.
Okay.

Hold it.

THE REAL GOD:


Did God pick the old sheriff too?
DAVID:

Yes, sir.
THE REAL GOD:
Sounds to me like God might have had his chips down on
the wrong hand. And now hes moving to a whole
nother table to try and recoup.
ANGEL:
Sir, I really dont think God bets on - THE REAL GOD:
Way I see it is, you got the potential here for the
two sheriffs going at each other like a couple of big
ole bull elks lockin horns at ruttin time. Which I
admit Id pay cash money to see. And thats a fact.

11
DAVID:
(Holds up his schoolboy copybook)
And I got lots more ideas in here.
THE REAL GOD:
Save em. Okay, young fella. You made a good case.
Were going to do it your way. See how things go. No
promises. But you know somethin? I got a powerful
good feeling about you.
DAVID:
You wont regret this.

Thank you, sir!

ANGEL:
Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
THE REAL GOD:
You get to help him, Wingboy.
ANGEL:
Me?

You mean me?

THE REAL GOD:


Dont see no one else in here with wings and a halo.
ANGEL:
Oh God!
(DAVID grins triumphantly behind THE REAL
GODs back, does an exuberant thumbs up and
mouths a Yessssssssssssss! Blackout)
End of Scene

12
Act I Scene 2
(At Rise: Enter DAVID & ANGEL. DAVID in a
rush, holding several copies of script.
ANGEL tries to keep up, keeps losing one of
his flip-flops)
ANGEL:
Do you want to tell me why you did that?
DAVID:
Did what?
ANGEL:
Do you have some special grudge against me? Do you
feel a particularly strong resentment for me?
DAVID:
No.
ANGEL:
Is it something Ive said that's caused this contempt?
Or is it just the things I stand for?
DAVID:
It has nothing to do with you.
ANGEL:
He humiliates me in front of the Diety, then says its
nothing.
(DAVID claps his hands. Five ACTORS enter.
The actor playing GOD is dressed like a
frontier undertaker. The other four are
dressed like townspeople in a western movie)
DAVID:
(Passes out scripts)
All right, people. I have your parts here. We have
God, Samuel, and Jews 1, 2 and 3.
(ACTORS take scripts and begin silently
reading. Hands script to ANGEL)
Here. This is your script. Your lines are
highlighted.
I have to act, too?

ANGEL:
Ive never acted.

13

DAVID:
Just be yourself. How hard can that be?
book. This will be a run-through.

Were on

(DAVID snaps finger. Blackout. Sound of a


finger snapping again. Lights up on a space,
DAVID sitting in a directors chair at the
edge of the space. Enter ANGEL reading from
script)
ANGEL:
Judge Sam.
(SAMUEL enters with script. He has a
petition in his hand. He appears troubled)
A powerful judge. They say God Himself
(GOD enters with script, ANGEL indicates
him)
Floats on a cloud just behind him, whispering answers
to his every question. Judge Sam has never been known
to be wrong. But it seems he has a big problem. It
seems the people want - A sheriff!

SAMUEL:
Half the town has signed this. Petition!
(JEWS 1, 2, 3 enter. They hold scripts &
protest signs. ANGEL dons a matching garb,
takes sign, joins them)

JEW 1:
Even the Philistines have a sheriff.

What about that?

GOD:
(Stage whisper to SAMUEL)
Say the Philistines are brigands, unbelovd by me.
DAVID:
Excuse me.

You!
(GOD points to himself, mouths Me?)
Yes, you! I dont want God talking like that.
GOD:
What?

14

DAVID:
I want a more conversational tone. More up-to-date.
(GOD gives DAVID his best I dont know what
youre talking about facial expression)
Talk the way youd talk to some kid at Starbucks.
Improvise. Youve taken improv classes, havent you?
All right, people. Take it from Even.
(ACTORS stare at each other, each waiting
for the other to go first)
I said, take it from Even. Lets go, people!
ANGEL:
Uh. Eve. Even the dirty, lowdown, thieving
Philistines have a sheriff. What about that?
(THE REAL GOD enters quietly, still dressed
like Marshall Dillon. He stands behind
DAVID, not liking what he sees)
GOD:
Uh. Say the Philistines are total uh losers.
losers. And say I dont like em.
Losers.

Good improv.

DAVID:
Pace, God.

Yeah,

Start pacing!

(GOD starts pacing, hand on chin)


SAMUEL:
Did you all hear what God said?
He said Philistines
are uh losers, people. An He doesnt even like em.
JEW 2:
Well, for a pack of uh losers, theyre doing a darn
good job of kicking our uh butts.
GOD:
Say not for long.
SAMUEL:
Did you hear that, my friends?
NFL. Not for long.
Be patient. In due time and in the very near future,
maybe really, really, really soon, the Philistine
situation will be resolved in our favor.

15
JEW 3:
Favor schmavor. The future is now.
now. So we can kick some butt now.

We need a sheriff

JEWS 1, 2, 3 & ANGEL:


(Waving signs)
Sheriff now! Sheriff now! Sheriff now!

Sheriff now!

(JEWS 1, 2, 3, ANGEL exit, chanting,


Sheriff now! Sheriff now! THE REAL GOD
lets out a growl of dissatisfaction)
DAVID:
Quiet on the set!
(THE REAL GOD steps onto stage, takes off
his stetson and waves it like hes flagging
down a frieght train)
THE REAL GOD:
All right, everybody! Hold it! Everybody just hold it!
SAMUEL:
What?

Who?

Hey what!?

Whos that?
GOD:
Whats going on?

THE REAL GOD:


Just hold it one minute!
DAVID:
What are you doing? This is a closed rehears - (Suddenly recognizes THE REAL GOD)
Oh! Oh, excuse me, sir. I didnt recognize you.
THE REAL GOD:
Just what the Sam Hill is going on here?
DAVID:
Were uh. Were. Were rehearsing my story, sir.
This is an early scene. The Jews
(Points to JEWS & ANGEL standing offstage)
want a sheriff and Judge Sam and God
(Points to SAMUEL & GOD)
are discussing it.

16

Uh excuse me?

SAMUEL:
I gotta be somewhere in an hour?

THE REAL GOD:


(Points to GOD)
That theres the fella sposed to be playin me?
DAVID:
Hes very experienced, sir. He plays Scrooge every
Christmas at the Laguna Playhouse.
Excuse me!

SAMUEL:
I said I gotta be some - -

THE REAL GOD:


Hey boy, why dont you go wipe the milk off your chin!
I dunno. He flounces aroun like a filly at a hoedown.
GOD:
Its pacing, not flouncing.
THE REAL GOD:
An he yammers on an on like one of them Philadelphia
lawyers. Look here. Ill show you how I want it read.
(To GOD)
Give me that there script.
GOD:
Its my script.
THE REAL GOD:
Dont worry, Petunia. I aint going to run off with
it. I just want to borrow it.

Okay.

GOD:
(GOD looks at DAVID. DAVID nods)
But dont smudge it. I dont like smudges.

DAVID:
Do you need a minute to get ready, sir?
THE REAL GOD:
(Moves to center stage like he owns it)
You seem to forget, boy. I invented acting.
Yes, sir.

DAVID:
All right, people. Take it from tough.

17
THE REAL GOD:
(Does extremely professional cold read)
Tough room today. So tell me. How do you feel?
SAMUEL:
I feel rejected.
Rejected.

Okay.

THE REAL GOD:


Thats to be expected.

What else?

SAMUEL:
Betrayed.
THE REAL GOD:
Betrayed. All right. Good. Let it all come out now.
What about anger? Tell me how angry you are.
SAMUEL:
I feel like someones slapped my face.
THE REAL GOD:
Like your best friend just stabbed you in the back.
And you want to lash out.
SAMUEL:
Yes.

Exactly!.

THE REAL GOD:


(Looks up from script)
You see what I want? You see what Im driving at here?
Uh yes.

Yes!

DAVID:
Oh yes sir! It was inspiring, sir.

Really intuitive, sir.

SAMUEL:
You nailed it spot on.

ANGEL:
Absolutely out of this world, sir.

Like no other.

THE REAL GOD:


You see, God doesnt give you answers, so much as He
draws them out of you from your own personal
experiences. Now Id love to stay a while, give you
more insights into the kingdom of God, but I really
must shove off. So you all be sure to go out there and
break a leg for the Big Dog. Thats me. Ha ha.

18

(All but GOD laugh. THE REAL GOD exits)


DAVID:
Okay.

Hes gone.
GOD:

He took my script.

Here.

DAVID:
(Grabs JEW 1s script)
Use this.
GOD:
And my lines arent highlighted.

Its smudged.

DAVID:
Then improvise!
GOD:
But Im not doing it his way.

Well, okay.
Whatever.

DAVID:
Okay, take it from I feel.

SAMUEL:
I feel like someones slapped my face.
GOD:
Like your best friend just stabbed you in the back.
And you want to lash out.
SAMUEL:
Yes!

Exactly.
GOD:

Unappreciated.
SAMUEL:
I dont know what more to do. Ive always been there.
No question.
it this way.

GOD:
You have. Twenty-four seven. Look at
Never stand in the way of progress.

SAMUEL:
You call having a sheriff progress?

19

GOD:
You either get out in front. Or get out of the way.
SAMUEL:
So youre saying, let them have their sheriff?

So.

GOD:
Im saying, handle it your own way. But handle it
like a leader would handle it. Handle it with wisdom
and resolve.
Okay.

Blackout.

DAVID:
End of scene.

GOD:
Did you like how I really punched it on handle it?
DAVID:
It was okay.
Okay?

GOD:
I thought I really punched it.
DAVID:

It was okay.
(DAVID and all except GOD, exit)
GOD:
Okay?
Just okay?!
That was perfect.
Doesnt he
realize I play Scrooge at the Laguna Playhouse every
Christmas? I know how to punch lines! I really do!
(Exits, other direction.
End of Scene

Then, blackout)

20
Act I Scene 3
(At Rise: A space representing a posse camp
in the Valley of Elah. Davids brothers,
ELIAB, ABINADAB & SHAMMAH, dressed like
cowboys, are trying to start a campfire to
boil water for coffee by striking a flint.
Their rifles lie on the ground. A wall
stretches across rear of stage. GOLIATH,
dressed like a Mexican bandido, balances
precariously on stepladder propped up behind
the wall. DAVID sits in directors chair
with open script. Hes dressed like his
brothers. He has a sling tucked in his belt)
DAVID:
All right. Listen up, people. Were off book. This
is a really big scene. I want you all to work very
hard at projecting an atmosphere of great danger
because of the giant. Theres this giant in the
neighborhood and everyones scared to death of him.
He can crush rocks with his bare hands.
GOLIATH:
Grrrrr!

Crush crush.

DAVID:
He can eat a steer and spit out buffalo chips.
Grrrrr!

Chomp chomp.

GOLIATH:
Patooie patooie.

DAVID:
He can melt the blade of a sword with his breath.
GOLIATH:
Grrrrr!

Puff puff.

DAVID:
His very presence signifies imminent doom. He looms
ominously above the scene. Okay, Freddy, start
looming.

Uh okay.

GOLIATH:
(Waves hands. Very unsteady on his perch)
Uh. Loom loom loom. Loom.

21

Thats not looming.


gimme a big loom!

DAVID:
Come on, Freddie.

Dig down and

GOLIATH:
(Waves hands more vigorously)
Loom! Loom! Loom!
(Loses balance, falls backwards)
Oh no! Oh God! Help! Help!
(Loud crashing sound behind wall as GOLIATH
disappears from view. Blackout)
My back!

GOLIATHS VOICE:
I broke something!

Oh!

DAVIDS VOICE:
Freddy, get back up there.
GOLIATHS VOICE:
But it hurts real bad!
DAVIDS VOICE:
Get back up there. We got this stage for twenty more
minutes. I had to pay in advance. Help him, people!
(Noises of shuffling around and objects
being moved in the dark. Lights up. GOLIATH
is once again unsteadily on his perch, a
rope around his torso and running under his
armpits & tied to a rafter. The rope pulls
his shirt up, making visible his hairy
stomach. He has a bandaid on his nose)
DAVID:
Okay, are we ready, people?
ELIAB, ABINADAB & SHAMMAH:
Ready!
SAMUELS VOICE
(From offstage)
Remember. I gotta be somewhere in an hour!
DAVID:
Ready, Goliath?

22
GOLIATH:
(Swinging unsteadily on rope)
Uh. I can barely reach the stepladder with my big
toe. Can someone lower the rope an inch or two?
DAVID:
Lets go. Action!

There isnt time.

ABINADAB:
(Striking the flint)
Dang dang dang!
ELIAB:
Havent you got that fire going yet?

Please!

ABINADAB:
(Striking the flint several times)
Please start, fire!
ELIAB:
Get the fire going.

Come on, brother.


coffee.
Dang!

Dang!

Dang!

I want my

ABINADAB:
Dang!

SHAMMAH:
Cussing wont help either.
GOLIATH:
(In the voice of someone dangling
precariously from a rope & barely able to
balance on a stepladder)
Hello over there, all you Israelite girlie-men!
SHAMMAH:
Oh shoot, its Goliath again.
GOLIATH:
Listen, ladies! Its been forty days and forty nights.
Time to go home to your boyfriends, dont you think?
ELIAB:
Why doesnt someone shut him up?

23
GOLIATH:
Hey girls! Come on! Lets settle this and go home.
Send your best lady I mean man out here to fight me.
Well go one on one. Mano a mano. Winner take all.
SHAMMAH:
Why doesnt Sheriff Saul do something?
Im waiting, ladies.
Darn!

Darn!

Darn!

GOLIATH:
Im waiting.
ABINADAB:
Darn!

ELIAB:
Well, why dont you go out there?
Are you crazy?

SHAMMAH:
Hed eat me alive.

GOLIATH:
(Rope lowers him behind wall)
Cant wait much longer, girls. You got five more
seconds. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Okay.
Gotta go. Adis!
SHAMMAH:
Hes gone.
ELIAB:
Hell be back. I dont mind saying, Im tired of it.
If Saul would send someone to slit his throat.
Admit it.
Okay!

SHAMMAH:
The sheriffs chicken.

Got it!

ABINADAB:
I got a flame! Finally!

(Enter SAUL with a big badge. ELIAB &


SHAMMAH are watching ABINADAB,dont see him)
SAUL:
Just whats going on here?
(ELIAB, ABINADAB and SHAMMAH trip over each
other turning around)
I said, WHATS GOING ON HERE?

24

We.

ELIAB:
Were making a campfire to make coffee, sheriff.

SAUL:
Coffee. Marvelous. Just marvelous. We got a lunatic
giant outlaw out there screaming insults at us and are
any of the men in my posse volunteering to do anything
about it? No! Why is that? Theyre too busy making
coffee. And what the H E double hockey sticks are
your pieces doing lying in the dirt?
(ELIAB, ABINADAB and SHAMMAH run to retrieve
their rifles, then they form up military
style)
You never ever EVER leave your pieces adrift. If some
lowdown, thievin Philistine snuck up and stole it,
youd feel pretty darn stupid, wouldnt you?
(Silence)
WOULDNT YOU?
ELIAB, ABINADAB & SHAMMAH:
YES, SIR!
SAUL:
Next time Im here, if I find any gear adrift, your
buttsll be in a major sling. Whos in charge here?
(Silence)
I said, WHOS IN CHARGE HERE?
ELIAB:
I.

I am, sir.

SAUL:
Oh marvelous! Coffee boys in charge. Okay, listen
and listen good, coffee boy. I want this area secure.
I want it policed from stem to stern. And when I come
back at sixteen hundred hours, it had best be standing
tall and looking good. You got that?
ELIAB:
Yes, sir.
SAUL:
I cant hear you.
ELIAB:
YES, SIR!

25
SAUL:
Dis-MISSED.
(SAUL smirks, rolls eyes, exits. DAVID
dismounts directors chair, exits)
Coffee boy!

Ha!

Ha!

ABINADAB:
Ha!
ELIAB:

Shut up!
SHAMMAH:
Coffee boy.

Hee hee.
ELIAB:

I said, shut up!


(ELIAB turns his back, sits and sulks.
DAVID enters with walking stick, a sack of
corn, some loaves of bread and a cheese.
His sling hangs from his belt)
Hey, look whos here.
Hi, brothers.

ABINADAB:
David!

DAVID:
Goodies from home.

ABINADAB:
Hey, David! Awwwright, homemade bread!
And cheese, too.
DAVID:
No no no. Dont touch the cheese.
the sheriff.
To heck with him!
No joke.

And corn!

The cheese is for

ELIAB:
The sheriff can go to blazes!

DAVID:
Pops said the cheese is for the sheriff.

ELIAB:
And I said, the sheriff can go to blazes!

26
DAVID:
Whatd I say?
SHAMMAH:
Its not you, David.
ABINADAB:
The sheriff was just in here and - ELIAB:
Hey! No! Dont tell him! None of his business.
Hell just go and tell Pops.
ABINADAB:
Im staying out of this. Im not saying another word.
SHAMMAH:
You talk to him, David. You can always cheer him up.
DAVID:
(Goes over to where ELIAB sits and sulks)
Hey, Eliab. Hey come on, cheer up. Hey come on, its
me. Its your little brother. Its Davey. Come on!
(DAVID tries making faces, tries some
pratfalls, tries making fart sounds under
his arm. No reaction from ELIAB)
Come on, Big Brother. Dont be like this. Cheer up.
Smile for me. Come on. I need my Big Brother.
(No reaction from ELIAB. GOLIATH starts
rising on his rope from behind wall)
ABINADAB:
When hes like this, theres just no hope.
GOLIATH:
(Again swinging unsteadily on rope)
Hello again out there, all you circumcised girlie-men!
DAVID:
Whats that?
SHAMMAH:
Goliath. Big Philistine giant. Every hour on the
dot, the big galoot challenges Sheriff Saul to single
combat.

27
GOLIATH:
Come on, ladies. Lets do it one on one, winner take
all. Whats the matter?
Too chicken? Too scared?
DAVID:
How long has this been going on?
ABINADAB:
Forty days.
Forty days?

DAVID:
Every hour?

On the hour.

SHAMMAH:
Were starting to call him Old Faithful.

DAVID:
Oh yeah. I see. He is a hefty one, isnt he?
(Scrunches down next to ELIAB)
Hey, Eliab. Big Brother. What if I made that big
dummy shut up? Would that cheer you up?
ELIAB:
It might.
(ABINADAB & SHAMMAH chuckle)
DAVID:
What if I brought you his sombrero?
cheer you up more?

Would that help

ELIAB:
It might.
(ABINADAB & SHAMMAH chuckle)
DAVID:
What if I brought you something to put the sombrero
on, like his head? Would that help cheer you up even
more?
(ABINADAB & SHAMMAH laugh nervously)
ELIAB:
That would sure enough help.

28
GOLIATH:
You cant beat me! Because I am Superman! I am the
Big Diesel! I am the Most Dominant Ever! And you are
all circumcised girlie-men!
DAVID:
(Takes out his sling)
This is my pledge to you, Big Brother. That out-ofshape loser is going down. I guarantee it.
SHAMMAH:
What are you talking about, David?

Hes too big.

ABINADAB:
Shammahs right, David. Forget it. You cant win this.
ELIAB:
David. Little brother. As much as I love you for
trying to cheer me up, forget this. Just go home.
SHAMMAH:
Eliabs right.
GOLIATH:
Time is tight, ladies. Tick. Tock.
Go home to Pops.

Tick.

Tock.

ELIAB:
Please.

DAVID:
No. When I decide on something, thats it. Fat boy
is going down. Now, everyone, just move back. Give
your little brother some room.
(They move back. DAVID picks up some
stones, grins, winks, puts a stone in sling)
Watch my back, brothers.
(DAVID exits. ELIAB, ABINADAB & SHAMMAH in
awe. Suddenly, sound of a sling whirling)
GOLIATH:
Ho ho! Whats this? A skinny kid? Sauls sending a
child against me with a slingshot? Is this the best
hes got? What an insult!
Oh God!

ABINADAB:
Please Goliath. Dont hurt him too bad.

29
VOICE OF DAVID:
Get ready. I got a stone in my sling with your low
rent, out-of-shape, ugly, booty-butt name written all
over it.
GOLIATH:
Ho ho! Come, little mouse. Ill feed you to the birds.
SHAMMAH:
Get out of there, Davey. Get out of there.

Please!

VOICE OF DAVID:
I just said a prayer and God told me you got one
minute left. Just enough time for your last meal.
GOLIATH:
Ho ho ho! Speaking of last meal, little man, I got
seven hungry dogs in my kennel. I promised them a
nice snack. So keep coming closer.
(Sling whirls louder)
Closer.
(Sling whirls louder)
And closer.
(Sound of stone in flight. WHOOSH!)
And close.
(Sound of stone hitting head. THUNK! GOLIATH
loses balance. Rope snaps. Sound of
GOLIATH falling into a pile of debris.
CRASH! RATTLE! CLANG! The rope dangles
loosely. Sound effect of a thousand
Philistines in shock, OH GOD NO! Sound
effect of a thousand Hebrews cheering,
AWRIGHTTT, DAVIDDD! WAYYYY TO GO!!!!)
ELIAB:
WooooooHooooooooooooo! My God! He did it! Davey did
it! Of course, I knew all along he could. Didnt I
say he could do it? Well, didnt I? Course I did!
(ELIAB dances jig. ELIAB, ABINADAB & SHAMMAH
exit, cheering. Fade to black. Lights up,
bare stage. DAVID enters with giant bloody
sword. Sound of Hebrew warriors cheering,
DAVID! DAVID! DAVID! DAVID touches finger
to blood, puts it to tongue, smiles, waves)

30
DAVID:
(Clapping hands)
And blackout. End of scene. All right, people.
Gather around. Critique time. Feedback time.
(ELIAB, ABINADAB & SHAMMAH enter)

Uh.

SAMUELS VOICE:
(From offstage)
Uh wait. I. I think hes dead.
DAVID:

Whos dead?
Freddy.

SAMUELS VOICE:
I think hes. Hes dead. Hes not moving.

DAVID:
Thats crazy. He probably just got the wind knocked
out of him. Or something. Wait here. Im gonna
check on Freddy.
(DAVID exits.

Silence.

SHAMMAH:
(Takes out pack of gum.

Then)
Offers it around)

Gum?
ELIAB:
Juicy Fruit?
SHAMMAH:
No.

Spearmint.
ABINADAB:

Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

(They all take some.

Fade to black)

End of Scene

31
Act I Scene 4
(At rise: Interior of Starbucks across
street from theatre. DAVID sits at table
nursing a latte. GOD is pacing, hand on
chin. He wears a hat. David is close to
tears, shaking head in defeat)
GOD:
So whats your point?
I dont know.

DAVID:
I just dont know.

GOD:
Dont know? Dont know? Hey, buck up, boy. You have
to know. Youre the author/director. Its your job to
know. Even when you dont know, youre supposed to
know. Now listen. Im an actor, a professional actor.
That means I get paid, unlike these. These. Well,
whatever they are. Ive played Scrooge for thirty
years. Ive seen it all. Seen em come, seen em go.
The high and the mighty. The bad and the beautiful.
The naked and the dead. The bes and the wannabes.
And one thing I know for sure is, its a snakepit out
there. If they see you cringing in fear and doubting
yourself, they will eat you alive. Do you hear me?
They will pick you clean. Itll be a feeding frenzy of
the first magnitude. Youll never eat lunch in this
town again. Do you want that?
DAVID:
No.

Of course I - -

GOD:
Of course you dont! Now lets admit, from one
perspective at least,
(Takes off hat, places it over heart)
it was a tragedy about Freddy. A tragedy. There. I
said it.
(Puts hat back on head)
The boy had potential. With the right breaks, and an
agent, he might have landed a gig on the Weather
Channel or a supporting role in a soap. Who knows?
Stranger things have happened. But you cant let this
get you down. You know what they say. Dont sweat

32
GOD(Cont):
the small stuff. Now lets think outside the box for
a minute. Lets focus on the purpose of Freddys
role. Lets take a deep breath. Well, go on. Take a
deep breath.
(They take deep breaths)
Now let it out.
(They let it out)
There. Doesnt that feel better?
DAVID:
Guess so.
GOD:
Nothing like a whiff of good old Mister Oh Two to get
the creative juices flowing. Okay, now put on your
thinking cap. Now ask yourself, why did you write the
part Freddy played? Why was it in there? Why was it
in the play?
Umm.

To.

DAVID:
To scare everybody.

To be scary.

GOD:
Oh come on, boy.

Think!

DAVID:
Well, everyone was scared of him.
GOD:
Was David scared of him?
No.

DAVID:
No, guess he wasnt.

Uh.

GOD:
Its not guess he wasnt. Its sure he wasnt. First
thought in Davids mind was, he was gonna kill im.
Right?
Right. You see? Now were getting
somewhere. So the purpose of Goliath was. To die.
Yeah.

I.

You guess?
I Scene 3?

I see that.

DAVID:
I guess.

GOD:
Do you see Goliath in any scene after Act
No. Why not?
Because hes dead!

33

Yes.

Thats right.

He.

DAVID:
Hes dead!

GOD:
Dead as a doornail. Dead as a duck. Dead as a
dinosaur. Dead as a dead dog. Because you wrote it
that way. You structured it that way. You intended
it that way, didnt you?
DAVID:
Yes!

Yes, I did!

GOD:
(Drawing near, speaking conspiratorially)
Now. About Freddy. Consider this. Some actors dont
merely play their parts. They live them. They strive
to get inside the skin of the characters they play.
Walk a mile in their moccasins, so to speak.
Sometimes, they get confused. Sometimes, they go over
the line. You catch my drift?
DAVID:
I do!

Yes, I do.

GOD:
What do you know about Freddy?
DAVID:
You mean.

Personally?
GOD:

Yeah.
Well.

Personally.
Personally.

DAVID:
Nothing.
GOD:

Aha!
DAVID:
You think?
GOD:
Remember what I said about going over the line. Its
a fine line between playing Goliath and being Goliath.

34

Yes.

I see that now.

DAVID:
Poor Freddy.

GOD:
It makes you think, doesnt it?
It really does.

DAVID:
Thank you. I feel much better.

(GOD turns, smiles at AUDIENCE. Fade to


black. Lights up on a set. Sheriffs
office. SAUL in western sheriff garb, big
star, a troubled visage, sits at desk.
DEPUTY 1 & DEPUTY 2 stand nearby. DAVID sits
in directors chair stage right with open
script)
DAVID:
Okay people. Quiet on set. Were dedicating this
scene to Freddy. Freddy, we love ya, wherever you
are! Act I Scene 4. And action.
(Enter ANGEL)
ANGEL:
Okay. So here we are. And theres the sheriff.
Sheriff Saul. Tall, good-looking guy. On the
surface, not a bad choice. Problem is, Ole Judge Sam
was in a huge rush to get a sheriff in place. Any
sheriff. He was impressed by Sauls height and rugged
good looks. Probably the reason he glossed over the
due diligence. And you know what they say. Devils
in the details. And as time wore on, Saul started
gettin these mood swings. And then there was a range
war. And trouble with the Philistines. And taxes
went up. And a whole series of unpopular governmental
regulations. People started to grumble.
(ANGEL exits. Enter SAMUEL followed by GOD)
GOD:
Im telling you, hes a loose cannon.
SAMUEL:
Sir, hes growing into his job.
feeling his way.

Hes new.

Hes

35
GOD:
Way? What way? He doesnt have a way. Doesnt do it
my way. He goes his own way. Which is no way. Hes
a freelancer. Out of synch. He doesnt listen. Hes
a psycho. Gives everyone the heebie-jeebies.
Wait wait.

Hold it!

DAVID:
Just stop right there.
SAMUEL:

What now?!
DAVID:
What are all these ways? Where did heebie-jeebie
come from?
GOD:
You said for me to improvise.
DAVID:
That was in the last scene. You have one line here.
You have three words. You say he doesnt listen.
GOD:
Oh. That. Well. With all due respect, a single line
just wont do. The audience wont get it. Take it
from me. I have years of experience. You have to
literally pound it into their heads. I took the
liberty of adding a few extra lines to show you how.
Can we please?

SAMUEL:
I gotta be somewhere!
DAVID:

Well uh.

I - -

GOD:
Of course, if you dont like my way, we can go back to
your way. And just pray to high heaven the audience
somehow gets it. After all, youre the boss. Just
say the word and Ill - No no.

DAVID:
Leave it. But next time!

Its okay.

Oh hey, no problemo.

GOD:
You da man!

36
DAVID:
What are you all standing around for?! What are you
all looking at?! Theres nothing to see! Come on,
people. Weve got a play to rehearse. Lets go.
Take it from How about. And action!
SAMUEL:
How about I get Sheriff Saul some help, sir?
Whatever.

GOD:
Just handle it. And be quick.

You know what they say.

SAMUEL:
Rome wasnt built in a day.
GOD:

Theyre wrong.

It was.

(GOD picks up spear from floor and flings it


at wall. Spear sticks in wall with a loud
THUNK! sound. SAUL yelps, springs up. GOD
& SAMUEL exit)
Did you hear that?

SAUL:
What was that?!
DEPUTY 1:

What was what, sheriff?


SAUL:
Oh my God!

Look!

DEPUTY 2:
A spear. Well, if they think this weakens your
resolve, they are sorely mistaken. Just a pack of
yellow dog scalawags. Show them you will not be
frightened. Show them your mettle.
(Enter MESSENGER with arrow in his back. He
has a message in his hand. His throat is
parched)
Look! A dispatch borne by this wingd Mercury. You
have good news?
MESSENGER:
Water.

Water.
(DEPUTY 2 & DEPUTY 2 give him water)

37
MESSENGER:
(Choking, coughing)
Philistines.
SAUL:
We stomped them.

Right?

MESSENGER:
(Choking, coughing)
Four of them slipped into town. They attacked a
school. Killed a teacher and her students. We
trapped them in a chicken coop and shot em dead.
(MESSENGER dies)
It never ends.

SAUL:
It just goes on and on and - -

DEPUTY 1:
(To the MESSENGERs corpse)
Why couldnt you bring good news? He wants good news.
(To SAUL)
Strike back hard. Make them pay. Two of them for
every one of us. Grind them into dust.
(SAUL glares, DEPUTIES 1 & 2 see hes angry
and exit. SAMUEL enters, approaches SAUL)
SAMUEL:
Word on the street is youre troubled in spirit.
SAUL:
(Whirls around)
Troubled? Me? Who says Im troubled? Look at this
face. Gaze on this visage. It should be crystal
clear who I am and what I am about.
SAMUEL:
The citizens are grumbling. Behind your back, theyre
calling you Ole Sourpuss.
Who?

SAUL:
Whos calling me that?
SAMUEL:

Uh.

People.

38

What people?

SAUL:
Give me names. I want names.

SAMUEL:
Uhhh. Irving. Irving Washington. Thats the only name
I have.
SAUL:
(Writes name on a scrap of paper)
Irving Washington. Ill clean his sorry plow. I
never promised them a rose garden! Let them fear me
as long as they obey me!
SAMUEL:
Are you hearing what youre saying? No wonder the
people are murmuring. You need to brighten up. You
need to put on a happy face. Bright and happy breeds
confidence. People see a smiler and a laugher, they
think confidence, openness, candor, high hopes and can
do. They think Camelot. They think, ask not what your
sheriff can do for you, but what you can do for your
sheriff.
SAUL:
What you can do for your sheriff.

Thats not bad.

SAMUEL:
Laughter is contagious. Laughter breeds sharing and
working together to solve problems. Remember, when
you smile, the world smiles with you. We need to cheer
this place up. We need to cheer you up. And I know
just the man.
SAUL:
Man?

What man?

A son of Jesse.
A hero, in fact.

SAMUEL:
A mighty and valiant man.

Prudent.

SAUL:
Hero?
SAMUEL:
During that last Philistine skirmish.
that Goliath dude with a rock.

When he killed

39
SAUL:
Oh! Oh yes! I remember. He was just a kid.
Couldnt have been more than seventeen. What was his
name?
SAMUEL:
David.
SAUL:
Yes, David! That was great shot. He dropped that big
doof like a bag of dirt. Speaking of drop, seems like
he dropped off the face of the earth. Describe him.
SAMUEL:
A comely person, ruddy good looks and God is with him.
God.

The G word.

SAUL:
I dont think God likes me.

SAMUEL:
I assure you God loves everyone. But it never hurts to
be with someone who is in His favor.
SAUL:
So. Youre saying I should hang with this.
David fellow.

This

SAMUEL:
Im saying it cant hurt to deputize him. He cant be
any worse than the two rodeo clowns you have now.
SAUL:
Just so he doesnt upstage me.
Youre the sheriff.

SAMUEL:
Who can upstage the sheriff?

SAUL:
Just between you and me and the lamppost, that Goliath
thing, that was darn lucky. Million to one.
DAVID:
(Steps off stage, stands by directors
chair)
And blackout. Dress rehearsal tomorrow, seven pm.
This is a gym floor, so no street shoes.

40
(SAUL & SAMUEL exit. THE REAL GOD enters,
in Marshall Dillon garb)
David.

THE REAL GOD:


There you are. Been looking for you, boy.
DAVID:

Yes sir!
THE REAL GOD:
No need to snap to. This aint the Marine Corp.
(Looks around, smiles, nods)
I must admit, theres something about bein on stage
thats not like bein anywhere else. Stage is where
truth and illusion lie down together like the lion and
the lamb. Hows that for an image, boy? You like that?
(Moves to the center of the stage, declaims)
Neither a borrower nor a lender be
For loan oft loses both itself and friend
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry
This above all: to thine ownself be true
And it must follow, as the night the day
Thou canst not then be false to any man
Amen to that.
(Draws close)
Just touchin base.
How you gettin on?
DAVID:
Fine, sir.
THE REAL GOD:
I was back there takin in the end of the last scene.
I do fancy the lines you wrote for ole Sheriff Saul.
Youre makin him out to be a hard case, all down in
the dumps, feelin sorry for his self. Reckon itll
be easy enough for the audience to dislike him.
DAVID:
Yes, sir.
THE REAL GOD:
And now youre havin David comin in to what?
in to cheer him up? Is that it?
DAVID:
I doubt that hell cheer him up much, sir.

Comin

41
THE REAL GOD:
You might be right. Well, I see this trains chugging
along the track real nice and easy-like. Guess Ill
ride on out of here and let you get on with it.
Adis.
(THE REAL GOD touches his hand to his hat,
turns and exits. Fade to black)
End of Act I

42
Act II
Act II Scene 1
(At rise: DAVID with script in directors
chair in western clothes)
DAVID:
Okay, people. Quiet on set. This is the dress
rehearsal. Act II. Scene 1. And action.
(Enter ANGEL, spotlight on ANGEL)
ANGEL:
It was a mistake for Saul to make David a deputy.
Turns out David was a skilled fighter who got results.
People started joking about how Saul had the slows
when it came to fighting. People started saying God
preferred David. David, as if to underscore the
point, always appeared in public with a preacher close
by his side.
(Exit ANGEL. Lights up on space. SAULs
office. Large wall mirror. SAUL, a star
pinned to his shirt, dressed in extremely
garish western clothes, sits reading the
paper. DEPUTY 1 & DEPUTY 2 stand nearby)
SAUL:
(Slams paper on desk. Stands, goes to
mirror, examines himself critically)
They told me things would improve if I deputized him.
They told me, we need some vim, vigor and pizzazz
around here. They said, we have just the guy, this
young hero. I said, what if he starts grandstanding?
They said, dont worry, it wont happen, youre the
sheriff. I said, I dont know if this is such a good
idea. But they kept saying, dont worry, its a lead
pipe cinch. And I said, I dont know about this.
Isnt that what I said?
Isnt it?
DEPUTY 1 & DEPUTY 2:
Yes, sheriff.

43
SAUL:
Then someone got the notion to send him to fight the
Philistines. They said, hes a hero, isnt he? Hes
wasted around here. Send him out to badlands. Let
him go on patrol with the posse. It'll be a great
morale booster. Itll be in all the papers. Giant
Killer Hangs Tough With Posse. I said, I dont know
about this. They said, hell knock em dead, its a
no brainer. Its a guaranteed slam dunk. I said, I
dont know about this. Isnt that what I said?
(DAVID dismounts directors chair. Exits)
DEPUTY 1 & DEPUTY 2:
Yes, sheriff.
SAUL:
And now look! Suddenly, who knows why, hes out there
winning fights, settling disputes. He drove the
Philistines back across the border. In short, hes
become a hero all over again! And now, in the
streets, the girls are singing songs, comparing him to
me. The Sheriff shot a bullseye, David just laughed
and spat, I have shot ten thousand bullseyes, What do
you think of that?
I was right. I was right all
along. Wasnt I? Well, wasnt I?
DEPUTY 1:
It. Its a fad. A passing phase. Davids todays
flavor, is all. In two weeks, three weeks tops,
everythingll be as before.
(Enter DAVID, star on chest, & PREACHER)
DEPUTY 2:
Oh! Theres Deputy David now. And, as always, theres
a preacher man with him.
SAUL:
Whats that supposed to mean?
DEPUTY 2:
Uh uh I uh - SAUL:
Were you taking a shot at me just now? Were you
criticizing me for not hanging around preachers?

44

Oh no, sheriff.

DEPUTY 2:
Id never do that.

Oh no, sheriff.

DEPUTY 1:
Hed never do that.

SAUL:
Because I could have this place crawling with
preachers with just a snap of my finger.
DEPUTY 1:
Exactly!

You could!

SAUL:
I just said I could. All I need to do is snap.
(He snaps finger)
Like that, and theyd come running.
DEPUTY 1:
(He snaps finger)
Snap!

Exactly!

DEPUTY 2:
(He snaps finger)
Snap!
SAUL:

But whats the point?


Exactly.

DEPUTY 1:
Whats the point?
DEPUTY 2:

There is no point.
SAUL:
It would be pointless.
Exactly.

DEPUTY 1:
Totally pointless to have a point.
(DAVID & PREACHER step forward)
DAVID:

Howdy sheriff.

45
SAUL:
Howdy do, David? Not often we see you down here in
town. If youd given us a warning you were coming in,
wedve had a barbeque and a shindig in honor of your
successes.
DAVID:
They are not my successes, but Gods.
should be in Gods honor.

Any celebration

PREACHER:
Amen to that, brother!
SAUL:
You may be right. You may be right. Even so, its
amazing what youve done in so short a time. Its
like hitting paydirt on your first shovelful of ore.
Or the stars lining up and spelling out D-A-V-I-D in
the sky. Some might say that.
DAVID:
Some might say so. Others, however, would attribute
it to my trust in Him to guide me in his ways.
PREACHER:
Amen to that, brother!
DAVID:
As He guided that fateful stone to Goliaths dome.
PREACHER:
Again, amen to that, brother!
SAUL:
However you did it, it made the townsfolk mighty glad.
Come tonight and well swap yarns over a rack of ribs.
I will do that.

DAVID:
I surely will.

(DAVID & PREACHER turn to exit)


SAUL:
(Aside, to DEPUTY 1 & DEPUTY 2, but loud
enough for DAVID & PREACHER to hear)
This giant killer thing. I dunno. Between you, me and
the lamppost, that was a lucky shot. Million to one.

46
PREACHER:
It wasnt luck. It was David serving as an instrument
of Gods will, hurtling a missile of death at the pate
of an unbeliever!
SAUL:
Listen, padre. I think I know a lucky shot when I see
one.
(Aside to DEPUTY 1 & DEPUTY 2)
Hes a windy old fart, isnt he?
(DEPUTY 1 & DEPUTY 2 chuckle)
PREACHER:
Careful what you say, sheriff. This is wicked talk.
SAUL:
Can you believe it? Now hes lecturing me like Im
some country shit shoveller. Maybe I should put this
badge on his shirt so he can sit here and talk horse
feathers till hes blue in the face.
(DEPUTY 1 & DEPUTY 2 laugh)
PREACHER:
Sheriff, if you dont show respect for the things that
are Gods, you may end up without a star.
SAUL:
(Stands, waves arms in anger)
WHAT did he say?!?
DEPUTY 2:
Remember your blood pressure.

Sheriff!

Those turncoats!!

SAUL:
Did you hear that?!?

(SAUL draws his pistol, points it at DAVID &


PREACHER)
Oh no!

DEPUTY 2:
Here we go again! Another bust up.

Quick!

PREACHER:
(Extends hand to DAVID)
Grab my hand!

47

SAUL:
(Fires pistol)
Here, you double-dealing judases!

Take that!

(DAVID & PREACHER exit as bullets hit wall


where DAVID stood. SAUL in rage runs after
them, followed by DEPUTY 1 & DEPUTY 2. All
exit, shouting)
DAVID:
(DAVID reenters, stands next to directors
chair)
And fade to black.
End of scene.
(Fade to black. GOD pops out from hiding
place with sheet of paper which he shoves at
DAVID)
GOD:
Hi!
DAVID:
Oh gee!

You scared me.

GOD:
Look. Im going to come right out and say it. No
beating around the bush. No sugarcoating. No pulling
punches. Because were all adults here. You see this?
Its from my agent. Im going to be doing a
commercial.
DAVID:
A commercial.
GOD:
Righty-o. A paying gig. Cash money. Moola. Long
green. Dinero. Upfront whip-out. Bucks. Cabbage.
Well uh.

DAVID:
Congratulations.

GOD:
Thank you. I took the liberty of informing the
others. Normally, that would be a task in your
bailiwick. However, I felt that, owing to - -

48

DAVID:
Wait wait. Wait! Youre saying you told the cast?
What did you tell them? What did you say?
GOD:
Just the bare outlines. That Ive agreed to do a beer
commercial. Its an import, by the way. I play a
pleasantly philosophical bartender in a quiet secluded
pub frequented by an educated, upscale clientele.
Theres a strikingly attractive woman seated alone at
a table by the window and two male lawyers at the bar
are eyeing her. At which point the womans girlfriend
enters and orders two glasses of - DAVID:
Hold it. Stop!
(GOD stops)
When does this gig begin?
Wait wait!

Tomorrow.
Oh God!

GOD:
I meant to tell you sooner, but.
DAVID:
Oh my God God God!
(Blackout)
End of Scene

49

Act II Scene 2
(At rise: Bare stage. DAVIDs directors
chair off to one side. SAUL, SAMUEL, DEPUTY
2, SHAMMAH & DEPUTY 1 gathered waiting for
DAVID. SAMUEL repeatedly looks at his watch)
DEPUTY 2:
First Freddy.

And now.
SAUL:

And now Steve.


SHAMMAH:
Something about beer?

What was it about?

DEPUTY 1:
Lesbian beer.
SHAMMAH:
No way.
DEPUTY 1:
Hey Marsha, what brand of beer would that be?
DEPUTY 2:
Would I know?
DEPUTY 1:
Did you know he gets paid? I heard every time they
run the commercial, he'll get a check.
SAUL:
I bet its not much.
It cant be much.
Lesbian beer!

SHAMMAH:
I mean, come on, its beer.

(Long silence)
I didnt like him.

DEPUTY 1:
Did you like him?
SAUL:

Who?

50

Steve.

DEPUTY 1:
Who do you think were talking about?
SAUL:

No.

I didnt like him.


DEPUTY 2:

He was arrogant.
DEPUTY 1:
Yeah. Him and those cliches of his?
think outside the box or - -

Like Lets

SHAMMAH:
I saw him pick his nose.
SAUL:
Yeah?

No kidding?

SHAMMAH:
He thought no one was watching. Then when he saw that
I saw him, he pretended like he was scratching his lip.
SAUL:
So hes a picker.
DEPUTY 1:
If he picks at his next gig, I bet those lesbiansll
straighten him out.
DEPUTY 2:
Alan, will you give it a rest!
DEPUTY 1:
Oooh.

Miss Raw Nerve.


(DAVID enters. This has not been a good day
for him. He silently mounts his directors
chair. There is an awkward moment, as DAVID
scans several pages of the script. Finally,
SAMUEL clears his throat)
DAVID:

Yes?

51
SAMUEL:
We just want you to know were on your side.
DAVID:
On my side?
SAMUEL:
With Steve and Freddy and all the rest thats gone on
here. We just want to say we all support you.
Wait a minute.

SAUL:
Where do you get we?

SHAMMAH:
I never said I supported him.
DEPUTY 2:
Well, I support him.
DEPUTY 1:
You would.
DEPUTY 2:
Whats that supposed to mean?
All right!
anything.

All right!

SAMUEL:
Just forget it!

Forget I said

SAUL:
You know what your problem is? You never discuss
things. You never put things to a vote.
SAMUEL:
Didnt you hear? I said, forget it!
(Looks at his watch for the millionth time)
Oh jeez, I gotta be somewhere!
(SAMUEL exits. Fade to black. Lights up.
DAVID sits in his directors chair. Hes
dressed like a cowboy in chaps and a big
poncho)
DAVID:
Quiet on set. Act II. Scene 2. This is preview
night. Opening nights tomorrow night, so lets make
it good. And action.

52
(Lights up on a broken-down fence. Theme
from The Good, The Bad & The Ugly is
heard. ELIAB & SHAMMAH, in cowboy garb, are
standing, chewing on matchsticks,
nonchalantly regarding the broken fence.
ABINADAB, in cowboy garb, is trying to start
a campfire to boil water with a flint)
ABINADAB:
(Striking the flint)
Dang it!
ELIAB:
Aint you got that fire goin yet?
ABINADAB:
(Striking flint several times)
Im tryin. Its the wood. Woods too wet.
ELIAB:
Woods too wet. Aint had rain in a month of Sundays
and hes got wet wood. Come on, brother. Get that
fire. I want my coffee.
SHAMMAH:
(Spits, nods toward broken fence)
I reckon what we oughtta do is cut new fence posts.
ELIAB:
Rails look pretty fair.
SHAMMAH:
You might be right on that.
ELIAB:
Gonna be a hot one today.
SHAMMAH:
Yep.
ELIAB:
Tell you what I think.
SHAMMAH:
What?

53
ELIAB:
We get up tomorrow mornin before sunup, we dig out
the holes, cut the posts. Be finished by mornin chow.
SHAMMAH:
Be a darn sight cooler tomorrow mornin.
Amen to that, brother.
there?
Got it!

ELIAB:
Hows that coffee coming

ABINADAB:
I got me a flame!
(Enter JESSE & SAMUEL in cowboy garb. SAMUEL
has a sheriffs star in his hand. JESSE
takes off hat, slams it on ground)

JESSE:
Just what in the Sam Hill is going on here?! Have you
boys gone loco?
(ELIAB, SHAMMAH & ABINADAB jump up and turn
to face JESSE)
Aint been a lick of rain in weeks, everythings dry
as a bone, its hot as a whorehouse on nickel night
and whatre my boys doing? Building a fire!
ELIAB:
We were makin coffee, Pa.
JESSE:
Wonderful. Just wonderful. The fence is down, the
herd is scattered halfway to tarnation and my moron
sons are making coffee! You want me to send out for
eggs and buckwheat flapjacks to go with your java?
(To SAMUEL)
These are my so-called sons.
SAMUEL:
Are these all your sons, Jesse?
JESSE:
Pretty much.
Pretty much?

SAMUEL:
You mean you got more?

54

JESSE:
Depends on what you mean by more.
thickheaded jackasses!
Please, Pa!

If you mean more

ELIAB:
We wont do it again.

JESSE:
You bet your sweet patootie you wont.
(To SAMUEL)
I got one more. My youngest, Davey. Hes out with the
herd right now. Making sure no more of his daddys
(Raises voice)
VALUABLE SHEEP!!
(Back to normal voice)
Get through the fence which I notice aint been fixed
yet.
SAMUEL:
Mind if I talk to them?
JESSE:
Talk to em? You wanna talk to em, Judge? Feel
free. If you can get a light to switch on over their
pinheads, youre a better man than I am. Scuse me.
Gotta go see a man about a dog.
(JESSE turns to exit, muttering under his
breath, spits, exits)
That Pa.

SHAMMAH:
Hes a real joker.

ELIAB:
Hes always kiddin around, calling us names.
ABINADAB:
Pretendin like hes mad.
Its a game he plays.

ELIAB:
Dont take him serious.

SAMUEL:
(Holds hand up for silence.
Do you lads know why Im here?

Clears throat)

55

Uh.

No, Judge Sam.

ELIAB:
We sure dont.

SAMUEL:
We got an oracle that one of Jesses sons is to be our
next sheriff.
(Holds up star)
This is the official sheriffs star which I will pin
on the shirt of the sheriff-designate.
You mean.

ELIAB:
One of us is gonna be.

Sheriff?

SAMUEL:
Thats what the oracle says.
ABINADAB:
Does Pa know?
SAMUEL:
Not yet. I told him I was here to give you a Bible
lesson. He got a good laugh out of that.
ELIAB:
Well. If youre gonna pick the oldest, Im the oldest.
But hes ugly old.

SHAMMAH:
Im the best looking.

Im the strongest.

ABINADAB:
I can lift a cow over my head.

SHAMMAH:
Thats how he got that cow chip on his brain.
ABINADAB:
Hey!
SAMUEL:
It doesnt go to the best looking, or the oldest, or
the strongest. It goes to
(Takes out an envelope, opens it, takes out
paper, holds it up)
The one who can answer this randomly-generated
question.

56

SHAMMAH:
Im good at questions. I got an answer for everything.
ELIAB:
No, he aint.
SAMUEL:
(Holds hand up for silence)
We will see. We will see.
ABINADAB:
Well uh. What happens if we all get it right?
all get to be sheriff?
SAMUEL:
Somehow, I just doubt thats going to happen.
for the question?

Do we

Ready

SHAMMAH:
Yep!
ELIAB:
Fire away!
ABINADAB:
Let er rip!
SAMUEL:
What was the name of the Cisco Kids sidekick?
Oh man!

Uh.

Uh.

Uh.

ELIAB:
Kemo Sabe!

(DAVID dismounts his directors chair,


exits)
SHAMMAH:
No no.

Its Trigger!

Gabby!

ABINADAB:
Its Gabby Hayes!

SHAMMAH:
Its Trigger, sure as shootin!

57
(Enter DAVID, all dusty wearing hat, chaps
and poncho. Stamps boots to shake off dust)
Too late, Davey.

ELIAB:
I already got it answered.

ABINADAB:
You answered it wrong, big brother.
Hold it. Just wait now.
answering the question.
Yeah.

It was Gabby!

SAMUEL:
David gets a shot at

ABINADAB:
Spose thats fair.

SHAMMAH:
Even if it dont amount to a hill of beans.
DAVID:
(Removes hat, slaps it against chaps to
remove dust)
So much dust out there on the range. Just give me a
second to get these chaps off.
(Removes chaps)
And this.
(Starts to remove poncho)
Poncho.
SAMUEL:
Did you say, Pancho?
DAVID:
Yeah.
SAMUEL:
Thats right! Thats the answer. The Cisco Kids
sidekick was Pancho. Youre the next sheriff, David.
ABINADAB:
What?!
SHAMMAH:
No fair!
ELIAB:
Well, if that dont beat all!

58

SAMUEL:
(Pins star on DAVIDs shirt)
I appoint you sheriff. Sheriff David.
(ELIAB, SHAMMAH, ABINADAB wave hats, shout
Yee-HAWWW!!! SAMUEL shakes DAVIDs hand)
Best of luck. Looks like a dust storms abrewin.
Guess I better head on back to town.
DAVID:
What about Saul?
SAMUEL:
What about him?
DAVID:
Is he going to step down?
SAMUEL:
Dont hardly reckon I know.
DAVID:
Well, does he know about this? Does he know you
appointed me?
SAMUEL:
Nope. Leastwise, I didnt tell him.
retarded. Thatll be one dollar.

Im not exactly

DAVID:
One dollar?
One dollar.

SAMUEL:
The appointing fee.

DAVID:
I only got a silver dollar.
SAMUEL:
Thatll do fine.
(DAVID fishes a coin from his pocket, drops
it in SAMUELs open palm)
Now I really got to skedaddle. Dust storms headed
this way. You boys take care.
(SAMUEL exits)

59

Well!

Sheriff!

ABINADAB:
If that dont beat all!
SHAMMAH:

Sheriff Davey.
ABINADAB:
I wanna be your enforcer and your bodyguard.
SHAMMAH:
I just wanna be your treasurer.
ELIAB:
Do you know what happens when you wear the star?
Someone once said, power is the
(He slightly mispronounces the next two
words)
Ultimate aphrodisiac.
Afro?

ABINADAB:
You talkin about niggers?

ELIAB:
No. Not afro, you jughead. Aphro! The word is
aphrodisiac. Its about poontang. Listen, Davey.
Little brother. Theres this redheaded filly over at
the Circle J who wont give me the time of day. Now
that youre sheriff, Id be mighty obliged if you
would tell her to be nice to me.
(Fade to black)
End of Scene

60
Act II Scene 3
(At rise: Directors chair at edge of
stage. It is unoccupied. On the stage,
interior of a pub. WOMAN 1 & WOMAN 2,
attractive & well-dressed, sit, gazing into
each others eyes & whispering. GOD & THE
REAL GOD tend bar. GOD is garbed in a
unisex jumpsuit and he sports an earring.
THE REAL GOD is hatless, but he wears a
western-style shirt and string tie like
bartenders in old cowboy movies. Belly up
at opposite ends of bar are SAUL & ANGEL.
SAUL is in western garb and wears his
sheriffs star. ANGEL is in his angel robe
and sandals, his wings hung on a hook near
the door. Each nurses a drink. THE REAL GOD
tops off their drinks. They nod)
SAUL:
You a real angel?
ANGEL:
Why yes, I am.
SAUL:
A real angel sposed to have a halo.
damn halo?
My halo?

Uh.

Wheres your

ANGEL:
I left it at home.

SAUL:
Well, whudja leave it at home for?
Whats the difference?

ANGEL:
I guess I just forgot it.

SAUL:
(Hand on revolver)
Now thats just gotta be a big sack of horsefeathers.
Who ever heard of a real angel leavin home without
his halo?

61
THE REAL GOD:
Now Saul. Im warning you. There aint going to be
no trouble tonight. You hear me?
SAUL:
(Takes hand off revolver)
Not causin no trouble. Just askin the angel fella a
question is all.
GOD:
I have Saul's ID right here.
(Fishes a drivers license from pocket,
holds it up, as ANGEL exits in a rush)
I asked him to surrender it when he came in. As a
guarantee of his good behavior.
Like I said.

SAUL:
Just asking a peaceful-like question.

THE REAL GOD:


He was gettin ready to call him a liar.
GOD:
May I remind you? Again? This is an upscale pub?
try not to embarrass our clientele with public
reprimands.
I know what I saw.

We

THE REAL GOD:


He was fixin to draw down on him.

SAUL:
Now that is just plumb loco.
GOD:
We do try to discourage overreaction on the part of
the serving staff. We try not to call attention to
our patrons, many of whom occupy posts of power and
influence. When they pass through these portals to
unwind and let their hair down, so to speak, a little
acting out is not unusual, nor is it to be
discouraged.
There ya go! Actin out.
was actin out.

SAUL:
Thats what I was doing.

62
GOD:
(Pours SAUL a fresh drink)
My apologies, Sheriff. On the house.
SAUL:
Why thankee, my good man.
THE REAL GOD:
Oh, for petes sake!
GOD:
Bear in mind, the rich and powerful are different.
SAUL:
(Raises glass)
Amen to that, pardner. Were different.
of a whole nother tent.

We piss out

THE REAL GOD:


(To GOD)
One thing I know for sure is, they got you buffaloed.
(WOMAN 2s cellphone rings.

She picks up)

WOMAN 2:
Stephanie?
(Covers phone, to WOMAN 1)
Its Stephanie.
(To phone)
Yes. Shebas here with me. Were in this very nice
pub. Very secluded. Very upscale. It just opened. Yes,
were trying it out. Steph, youre starting to break
up. Hard to make out what youre saying. Okay. Yes.
(Stands up)
Ill talk to you outside.
(WOMAN 2 exits with cellphone to ear)
SAUL:
Those two have got to be lesbians.
Saul.

THE REAL GOD:


I already done told you. No trouble.

SAUL:
Just making an observation. Cant a man make an
observation?

63

GOD:
I must concur with my colleague on this point.
THE REAL GOD:
(Rolls eyes)
Will wonders never cease!
GOD:
(THE REAL GOD mouths GODs words behind his
back, as if hes heard them a million times)
To focus on a patrons supposed sexual orientation in
a hurtful and demeaning way will not be tolerated.
SAUL:
Well, Im calling you on this one, Petunia. Im going
over and talk to that confused filly. My theory's
that she's got some internal malfunctions needing fine
tuning. Im planning to ask her if she wouldnt mind
letting me give her a tune up. If you get my drift.
GOD:
(Holds up SAULs ID)
Sheriff Saul. Sir. May I remind you that you
surrendered your ID as a guarantee of your good
behavior?
SAUL:
You can go stick that where the sun dont shine, boy!
GOD:
(Turns to THE REAL GOD)
Would you talk to him? Please?
THE REAL GOD:
Naw. Youre a lippy sun of a gun. You got an answer
for everything. Think Ill set right here, see how
you handle this one.
(SAUL bolts down his drink, spits into
spittoon, wipes mouth with sleeve, walks to
where WOMAN 1 is seated, tips hat)
SAUL:
Excuse me, Maam.

64

WOMAN 1:
Yes?
SAUL:
I couldnt help noticing what a fine little heifer you
are.
Uh, thank you.

WOMAN 1:
I think.

SAUL:
And I was wonderin if you wouldnt mind favoring this
old buckaroo with the next dance.
Uh, oh, dear me.
music playing.

WOMAN 1:
But there doesnt seem to be any

Thats not a problem.


box.

SAUL:
Barkeep can put a song on the

(THE REAL GOD snaps his finger. A square


dance tune plays. GOD glares at him)
I.

WOMAN 1:
Id really rather not. If you dont mind.

SAUL:
(Grabs her arm, tries jerking her to her
feet. She resists)
Aw, come on, missy. You know you want to.
(Enter DAVID & PREACHER. SAUL doesnt see
them because his back is turned. DAVID wears
western clothes and a star on his shirt
pocket. DAVID & PREACHER both have pistols
in holsters. PREACHER heads straight to the
bar where THE REAL GOD pours him a drink)
WOMAN 1:
No!

Please!
DAVID:

Leave her alone!

65

Come on, missy.


Please!

SAUL:
Up on your feet.

Lets dance.

WOMAN 1:
Leave me alone!
DAVID:

I said, leave her alone!


SAUL:
(Turns to face DAVID. Not releasing WOMAN 1)
Well. Look whos here. Little Davey. And hes got
his preacherman with him.
PREACHER:
(Raises glass)
Mud in your eye, Saul.
DAVID:
Get your hand off of the lady.
PREACHER:
Better do what the kid says.
(PREACHER bolts drink down, slams glass on
bar. THE REAL GOD pours him another drink)
SAUL:
Shes going with me.
(WOMAN 1 cries out as hand tightens)
And you stay out of this, preacherman. This is
between me and the kid.
PREACHER:
No problem. I just come in for a friendly drink,
pardner. And a little Christian fellowship.
SAUL:
Hey, barkeep, better check the kids ID for underage.
DAVID:
Time for you to move on out of here.

66

SAUL:
(Releases WOMAN 1. Backs toward bar. Hand
near pistol. WOMAN 1 whimpers in fear, her
hand over her mouth)
Theres only one way Im moving out, little Davey. I
knew it would come to this. Sooner or later, I knew
it would.
DAVID:
(Moves away from bar.
Im counting to three.
All right.

Hand near his pistol)

SAUL:
Make your move, kid.
(GOD faints)

Anytime, old man.

DAVID:
Anytime.

(THE REAL GOD tosses whiskey bottle to


PREACHER, who smashes it over SAULs head.
SAUL falls to floor. Blackout. Lights up,
bare stage. DAVID & WOMAN 1 enter, holding
hands. Theyve had a wonderful night on the
town. They laugh, they smile, they peer
deep into one anothers eyes)
WOMAN 1:
I had such a wonderful time.

Oh David, David!

DAVID:
When can I see you again?
WOMAN 1:
Let me check my schedule. Oh my! It looks like the
rest of my life is free and clear.
DAVID:
I love you, Bathsheba.
WOMAN 1:
I love you, David.

67
DAVID:
Can I see you tomorrow?
WOMAN 1:
Yes!
DAVID:
Can I see you the day after tomorrow?
WOMAN 1:
Yes!

Yes!
(Enter WOMAN 2, cellphone still to ear.
takes in the scene. Then)

Sheba!

What is this?

Im sorry, Jaynie.
What?!

She

WOMAN 2:
What are you doing?

WOMAN 1:
Ive changed my mind.

WOMAN 2:
Changed your mind? Sheba, no!

You cant!

WOMAN 1:
(Not taking her eyes off DAVID)
It has nothing to do with you. Nothing at all.
(DAVID & WOMAN 1 exit, holding hands, not
taking their eyes off each other. WOMAN 2
stands alone. She lets out a cry of pain,
she throws cellphone to ground, she kicks
it. Fade to black)
End of Scene

68
Act II Scene 4
(At rise: The fence, now repaired. THE REAL
GOD & DAVID, dressed western-style, lean
against the fence, side by side, cowboystyle, chewing on matchsticks. DAVID wears
his star and a pistol)
THE REAL GOD:
Looks like we might have rain.
DAVID:
We could sure use it.
THE REAL GOD:
Lessin we get too much. Dont want a flash flood.
DAVID:
Think I ought to take the herd to high ground?
THE REAL GOD:
Might be a good idea.
(Enter BATHSHEBA in old west womens dress.
She has two glasses of iced tea on a tray.
She is in a family way. THE REAL GOD tips
his hat)
Mornin Miss Bathsheba.
BATHSHEBA:
(Serves the tea)
Thought Id bring the menfolk some sweet tea.
THE REAL GOD:
Now that was mighty thoughtful of you.
DAVID:
How do you feel?
BATHSHEBA:
Stop worrying about me.
DAVID:
Im just asking.
Im not an invalid.
least.

BATHSHEBA:
I have three months yet.

At

69
THE REAL GOD:
I read where its good for an expectant mama to be out
an about.
BATHSHEBA:
You see?
THE REAL GOD:
Mamas who keep fit by carryin on as usual for as long
as they can have babies that are healthy an wise.
BATHSHEBA:
I agree one hundred percent.
DAVID:
Well, just so you dont overdo it.
BATHSHEBA:
The baby will be fine.

David, Im fine.

(Enter COWBOY out of breath)


COWBOY:
Sheriff!

Sheriff!
DAVID:

What is it, Clint?!


COWBOY:
Absolom and his gang done broke out of jail. They
killed the sheriff over in Abilene and theyre headed
this way.
THE REAL GOD:
You sure it was Absolom?
COWBOY:
No doubt about it. He said he was comin here to
settle accounts with his pa. Uh, thats you, I think,
Sheriff. Scuse me for sayin it, Maam.
BATHSHEBA:
You're his pa? You never told me about him.
DAVID:
It was a long time ago when I was learning about
things. I was going tell you when things quieted down.

70
BATHSHEBA:
Anything else I should know that you haven't told me?
DAVID:
Uh - THE REAL GOD:
(Jumping in to save David's bacon)
That boy of his is a no good outlaw. The Absolom gang
is wanted in four states.
David, please.

BATHSHEBA:
Remember the baby.

THE REAL GOD:


You cant wait for im to come here. You got to head
im off at the pass. Dont forget. Absolom is a
cold-blooded killer, just like his ma.
BATHSHEBA:
His ma? Who's she? Where did you meet her?
DAVID:
It's uh. Complicated. Can we discuss it after the
gunfight?
David.

Be careful.

Hes a bushwhacker.
you see im.

BATHSHEBA:
Remember the baby.
THE REAL GOD:
My advice is, kill im as soon as

DAVID:
No. No! I got to face him down.
to follow the rules.

Right here. We got

BATHSHEBA:
Dont, David. You have a wife and a little one on the
way. Its not worth it.
THE REAL GOD:
Youre bein plumb loco. Were not talkin about
Marquis a Queensbury here. Were talkin about a
murderin' desperado with a price on his head.

71
(Sound of riders in the distance coming
closer and closer)
DAVID:
I know him. Hell face me. Itll be me and him.
(BATHSHEBA bursts into tears)
THE REAL GOD:
Well, if that dont beat all! Youre either the
craziest man I ever met. Or the bravest.
If youre
set on facing him down, Ill be there right along side
a you. Clint, please take Miss Sheba up to the house.
(Sound of riders very near. COWBOY gently
escorts the sobbing BATHSHEBA away. They
exit. Sound of riders stops. Theme from
The Good, The Bad & The Ugly is heard.
Shadow of four gunfighters is seen)

Pa?

Pa?

VOICE OF ABSOLOM:
(Calling out)
Are you there, Pa?
DAVID:

Im here, boy.
(The shadow grows larger)
VOICE OF ABSOLOM:
I come to kill you, Pa.
DAVID:
I know, boy.

I know.

(ABSOLOM & OUTLAWS 1, 2 & 3 enter. They are


dressed like old west outlaws. Music stops)
ABSOLOM:
(To THE REAL GOD)
What are you doin here? This aint your fight!
is strictly between my pa an me.

This

THE REAL GOD:


Maybe Im making it my fight, boy.
(To DAVID, stage whisper)
You take one on the left. Ill take three on the right.

72

DAVID:
With pleasure.

All right.
your move.

THE REAL GOD:


Anytime, you mangy yellowbellies.

Make

(They all draw and fire. ABSOLOM & OUTLAWS


1, 2 & 3 fall dead. THE REAL GOD turns to
DAVID, grins and winks. Fade to black.
Lights up. Same set. BATHSHEBA & DAVID, arm
in arm, facing THE REAL GOD)
BATHSHEBA:
I cant tell you how grateful we are.
THE REAL GOD:
(Tips hat)
Shucks, Maam. Its all in a days work. Besides,
your husbands pretty good with a six shooter.
DAVID:
Naw.

I was just fair.

THE REAL GOD:


Humble, too. Well, time for me to ride on out of here
and leave you two lovebirds alone.
(THE REAL GOD exits. BATHSHEBA & DAVID wave.
Sound of a horse riding away into the
sunset. DAVID hugs BATHSHEBA)
Ow!

BATHSHEBA:
Dont squeeze me so tight.
DAVID:

Oh, sorry.
BATHSHEBA:
Im in a very delicate condition right now.
Yes.

You are.

DAVID:
You absolutely are.

73
BATHSHEBA:
I shouldnt even be doing housework.
Youre right.

DAVID:
You shouldnt.

BATHSHEBA:
As for cooking. The heat and the moisture and the - Youre right.

DAVID:
Ill do all the cooking from now on!

BATHSHEBA:
Chocolate. I want chocolate. Get me chocolate!
DAVID:
Ill ride to town in the morning and get you some.
BATHSHEBA:
Now!
DAVID:
Now?
BATHSHEBA:
If I dont get some chocolate real soon, I wont be
responsible for what I might do.
DAVID:
Okay.

Uh.

Right.
(He doesnt move)
BATHSHEBA:

Well, get going!


(DAVID exits in a rush. Fade to black.
Lights up. Bare stage. A mailbox. Enter
ANGEL. He looks left and right. Then he
sneaks up to the mailbox and deposits a
letter therein and exits quickly. Enter
EPIC POET. He opens mailbox, takes out
letter, holds it up to light. He opens it
with great excitement and eagerness)

74
EPIC POET:
(Reads. As he reads, his facial expression
turns to despair)
Dear Writer. Thank you for your script. The selection
process is always extremely challenging. This year,
we received a record number of submissions, making
this an even more challenging process than usual.
Unfortunately, we will not be using your submission.
On behalf of myself, the selection committee and the
Artistic Director, I want to thank you for sharing
your work with us.
Sincerely,
Sebastian Wing, Dramaturg
Selection Committee Chairperson (Acting)
(Enter GONZO JOURNALIST & EPIC STORYTELLER)
EPIC STORYTELLER:
Well, look who we have here. Master Homer himself.
Why the long face?
Yeah!

GONZO JOURNALIST:
Why so glum, chum?

EPIC STORYTELLER:
Oh, I think I know why. I'll bet you thats a
turndown letter hes holding.
GONZO JOURNALIST:
You think so?
EPIC STORYTELLER:
Ill bet you any amount that letter says something
like, dear so-and-so, no sorry, unfortunately were
not going to use your tedious work, bla bla bla.
GONZO JOURNALIST:
And bla and bla and bla.
Well, youre wrong.

EPIC POET:
Both of you.
GONZO JOURNALIST:

We are, huh?

75

EPIC STORYTELLER:
Of course, youre going to show us the letter.
EPIC POET:
Alas, I cannot.
GONZO JOURNALIST:
How come?
EPIC POET:
Its personal.
EPIC STORYTELLER:
Personal.
EPIC POET:
Quite personal. My dear Aunt Sarah. Shes very ill.
Near to death, in fact. All the symptoms of her
numerous maladies are listed here in painfully precise
detail. It would be unconscionable of me to permit
you to - Oh yeah.

Yeah.

GONZO JOURNALIST:
I see how that is.

EPIC POET:
And you can surely understand my melancholy demeanor.
GONZO JOURNALIST:
Oh yeah.

For sure.

EPIC STORYTELLER:
Rest assured, our prayers are with your Aunt.
What was her name again?
EPIC POET:
Ah.

Her name?

Yes. Her name.


Uh. Mary.

EPIC STORYTELLER:
I didnt quite catch it.

EPIC POET:
My dear, dear Aunt Mary.

Ah.

76

GONZO JOURNALIST & EPIC STORYTELLER:


Aha!
(EPIC POET flees pursued by GONZO JOURNALIST
& EPIC STORYTELLER. Fade to black)
End of Play