Yoon 1

Ji Young Yoon
Professor M. McCampbell
English 101
December 16, 2015
Revised Essay (The Other Wes Moore) 90/110
I revised my second essay with three reasons. Second essay was my lowest grade essay
compare with essay one and three. My topic sentences were not strong enough to show details.
Specially, they could not cover details about author Wes Moore. I made lots of word mistakes
and slang. I was focus on these three problems for revised.

Yoon 2

Ji Young Yoon
Professor M. McCampbell
English 101
December 16, 2015
The Other Wes Moore
The Other Wes Moore is the book that says totally different stories of two people who
grew up with single mom household in urban area, and have the same name which is Wes
Moore. Author Wes Moore became a decorated United States Army officer and author of
bestsellers. Other Wes Moore ended up in prison. In the book, the other Wes Moore blindly
follows his older brother Tony and struggles with his life. The other Wes Moore's ultimate
decisions to stay with his brother as his role model led him to getting involved in the drug game
in a way that was destructive.
The other Wes Moore's role model is his older brother Tony different from author Wes
Moore choose his role models as who he want to be one of them. Tony is the only man who was
around him, and it negatively effect to other Wes Moore. Tony was Wes' idol even though Tony
did not around with Wes much. However, Tony was not a good role model for Wes. He was
selling drugs before he was ten. When Tony was fourteen, he opened up drug sales in East
Baltimore (Moore 26-27). Wes tried to follow in Tony's footsteps. "But the more he tried to be
like his brother, the more his brother rejected him. The more he copied him, the more Tony
pushed back. Wes wanted to be just like Tony. Tony wanted other Wes to be nothing like him"
(Moore 72). On the other hand, author Wes Moore's role models are his family and friends who
helped him a lot. Wes said in the book, "as I started to think seriously about how I could become

Yoon 3

the person I wanted to be, I looked around at some of the people who'd had the biggest impact on
my life. Aside from family and friends, the men I most trusted all had something in common:
they all wore the uniform of the United States of America" (Moore 132). The other Wes Moore
chose a negative role model as his role model and followed blindly. When the other Wes Moore
choose Tony as his role model, he did not think about specific reasons why he wanted to follow
him, unlike the author Wes Moore, who selected role models based on thinking. The other Wes
Moore choose his older brother Tony as his role model because Tony is his older brother and the
one person who he can see as an adult. According to "Processes of Siblings Influence in
Adolescence: Individual and Family Correlations", "some siblings may look to their brothers and
sisters as role models in some domains but as foils in others. Because our questions were open
ended, youth were able to describe the multiple ways (if so) that their brothers and sisters had
served as a source of influence" (Whiteman et al.). Specially, firstborn children are their sibling's
example of their life. Other children can follow them or go an opposite way. So, younger kids
can get influenced by their oldest sibling's behavior. The other Wes Moore blindly follows Tony
as role model and this decision ruin his life.
Although the other Wes Moore tried to break his destructive habits, he was unable to do
unlike the author Wes Moore who had positive role models. The other Wes Moore earns a GED
and tries to change himself; however, he was going to end up selling drugs again like his brother.
After he finished job corps he went back to selling drugs. "Wes held the plastic bag with both
hands and poured in nine ounces of cocaine," (Moore 145). He and Tony had robbed a jewelry
store and killed a policeman. Mary said, "I just found out that my sons are wanted for killing a
police officer," (Moore 150). Furthermore, Author Wes Moore changed himself and motivated
himself while he was at military school. He said, "Lifes impermanence, I realized, is what

Yoon 4

makes every single day so precious. It's what shapes our time here. It's what makes it so
important that not a single moment be wasted," (Moore, 133). The various leaders Wes had
encountered at Valley Forge had helped him learn about leadership and decision making. All of
these influences help author Wes Moore decided to stay at Valley Forge for junior college in
order to go through the early commissioning process and become the regimental commander for
the 70th Corps of Cadets, which made him the highest-ranking cadet in a corps of more than 700
students (Moore 129-137). Even though the other Wes Moore tried to make his own decisions, he
went back to follow his older brother Tony. By "10 Signs You're A Follower Instead Of A
Leader", "decision making is another crucial aspect of leadership, whether you are a captain of
industry, keen to improve your existing lifestyle or voting in an election. Successful leaders are
decisive and able to think independently, for example, while those who follow are all too easily
influenced when attempting to reach a definitive conclusion," (Humphries). When the other Wes
Moore came out from prison, he studied GED at Job Corp campus. He could find other job
without drugseller for make money even though it gives lots of money to him because selling
drug is illegal. However, the other Wes restarted sell the drugs because it was what he did before
because he always followed his older brother, Tony.
The Other Wes Moore is the book which talks about two men who have same name,
similar background and opposite life. The author Wes Moore had hard time in his childhood and
became a success person. The other Wes Moore was following his older brother who was in drug
game and went to prison for his life. He choose wrong role model and blindly followed him. If
the other Wes Moore did not follow his older brother blindly, follow positive role models and
made his own decision, he could have been a successful person like author Wes Moore.

Yoon 5

Works Cited
Humphries, Lewis. "10 Signs You Are a Follower Instead of a Leader." Lifehack RSS. Web. 15
Oct. 2015.
Moore, Wes. The Other Wes Moore: The Story of One Name and Two Fates. New York: Spiegel
& Grau, 2011. Print.
Whiteman, Shawn D., and Abigail Christiansen. "Processes of Sibling Influence in Adolescence:
Individual and Family Correlates." Family Relations 57.1 (2008): 24-34. SocINDEX with
Full Text. Web. 14 Oct. 2015.

Essay 2 -The Other Wes Moore

Scoring Rubric

Item

Does not meet C

Meets C standard

Introducti
on
>6 7

0-5 points

6 - 7 points

No intro device
Flat statement

Uses effective intro

device to connect
reader to topic
Identifies which Wes
Moore and influence

Thesis
>7

0-4 points
Flat statement of fact;
Broad influence
Thesis is not
completely developed

Influencin
g Factor
>8

0- 4 points

5 7 points
Assertion shows a clear
perspective of what
influenced the Wes
Moore of your choice
All ideas are developed
in the essay.
5 - 7 points

Incomplete
description, e.g. omits
who is affected and/or
how; topic is too
broad
No support from The
Other Wes Moore

Narrows down the

influence, provides
background and how
Wes Moore is
influenced. Includes
two cited examples
from the book.

Exceeds C
Standard
8 - 10 points
Uses specific detail
in introduction that
illustrates
significance of
influence and
broader social
implication.
8 10 points
Strong persuasive
assertion that
clearly connects
Moores outcome
with the influence/s
8 10 points
Cites evidence
from The Other
Wes Moore and
interprets Moores
statements to the
essay.

Yoon 6
Expanded
Social
Issue
>7 8

Conclusio
n
>7

In-text
citations
>4

Work
cited
>4 5

Compositi

0-4 points

5 - 7 points

8 - 10 points

Broader social
implications are not
clear or vaguely
referenced.
No broader social
implications are
mentioned.

Two researched details

are identified and
connected to the Wes of
your choice is clear.
Good details: RENNS

3 researched
details are
identified, detailed
(RENNS), and cited.
These broader
social implications
are clearly
connected to the
Wes Moore of your
choice. .
8 - 10 points

1- 4 points
Restates thesis
or provides an
incomplete
summary

0-2 points
No references to
assigned reading;
Refers to sources, but
does not cite them;
Some material is not
cited correctly.

0-2points
No work cited list
Only one entry on
work cited list
0-4 points

5 - 7points
Clearly summarizes the
influence/s on the Wes
of your choice and links
them with the broader
social implications.

3 - 4 points
Uses two reference to
assigned reading; uses
correct in-text format.
Correctly used two
references from outside
sources.
Uses two different ways
of including outside
information. Citations
link correctly to work
cited entries. Minimum
of two errors

3 - 4 points
Three entries on work
cited list, correctly
cited and alphabetized.
One or two errors.
5-7 points

In addition to
meeting criteria for
a conclusion, the
conclusion includes
a reflective
statement about
the significance.
5points
Uses two or more
references to
assigned reading
and cites them
correctly. Uses two
or more references
to outside sources
and identifies their
relevance to the
reader. Integrates
material into the
text in a variety of
ways. No errors in
citation
5 points
More than three
entries on the work
cited list.
No errors
8-10 points

Yoon 7
on
Structure>
6 9topic
sentences
need to
identify the
entire
paragraph
Coherence
>7

One or two topic

sentences missing;
Paragraphs lack unity

Clearly stated topic

sentences;
Paragraphs clearly
relate to thesis

Paragraph not related

to topic;
Organization does not
follow a clearpattern;
Abrupt changes;

Paragraphs arranged in
logical order;
Ideas follow logical
development
Employs transitions
when necessary
Uses appropriate
pronouns;
Avoids redundant
wording;
Uses words correctly
Avoids slang and worn
out cliches

Topic sentences are

specifically worded
and link thesis and
all supporting
material

Transitions move
ideas clearly
throughout essay;
Ideas build on each
other to emphasize
thesis;
Clarity>7av Wording is vague;
Writers voice is
Words are confused
clear and
oid slang;
authoritative;
some words with other meanings
Grammatical
Employs specific
dont make
conventions
are
words; employs
sense. 8
infracted;
active voice and
Uses second person
specific verbs;
prn;
Wording is concise
Spelling, grammar, and sentence mechanics errors 1 point for each error, prorated
by 500 words.
Errors: You begin with 20 points. You lose one point for each of the following errors:-5/2=-2=18
20
Spelling

pronoun use

Capitalization

comma splice

Subj/verb agreement

run-on/fused sentence

Incorrect verb form

sentence fragment

Verb tense

Begin sentence with coordinating conj.

Punctuation with direct and indirect quotations

Apostrophe errors

Comma error with coordinating conjunction

pronoun/antecedent agreement