Chapter 4

Revising and Proofreading Business

Messages

Revising

Proofreading

Improving
Improvingcontent
contentand
and
sentence
sentence
structure
structure -may
-mayinvolve
involveadding,
adding,
cutting,
cutting,recasting
recasting

Correcting
Correctinggrammar,
grammar,spelling,
spelling,
Punctuation,
Punctuation,format
formatand
and
Mechanics.
Mechanics.

Memo Revised for Conciseness

Concise Wording
Revise your messages to eliminate wordiness.
Instead of this

Try this

We are of the opinion that

We think

Please feel free to

Please

In addition to the above

Also

At this point in time

Now

Despite the fact that

Although

Slang

Wordy Prepositional Phrases

Instead of this

Try this

We dont as a general

We dont generally cash

personal checks.

rule cash personal

checks.
Students in very few
instances receive
parking tickets.
She calls meetings on a
monthly basis.

Students seldom get parking

tickets.
She calls monthly meetings.
.

Long Lead-Ins
Instead of this

Try this

This memo is to inform

you that all employees
meet today.

All employees meet

today.

I am writing this letter

to say thanks to
everyone who voted.

Thanks to everyone
who voted.

Outdated Expressions
Outdated

Modern

as per your request

At your request

pursuant to your request

At your request

attached hereunto

Attached

under separate cover

Separately

Needless Adverbs
To sound more credible and to streamline
your writing, avoid excessive use of adverbs
such as definitely, quite, really, and actually.
Instead of this

Try this

The manager is
actually quite pleased
with your proposal
because the plan is
definitely workable.

The manager is
pleased with your
proposal because the
plan is workable.
.

Fillers
Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there
and it when used merely to take up space.
Instead of this

Try this

There are two

employees who should
be promoted.
It was Lisa and Jeff

Two employees
should be
promoted.

who were honored.

Lisa and Jeff were

honored.

Revise the following sentences to avoid a long

lead-ins, wordy prepositional phrases, outdated
expressions, needless adverbs, fillers, and/or other
forms of wordiness.
This e-mail message is to
inform you that in all
probability we will actually
finish in two weeks.
There are many brokers who
are quite certain that these
stocks are completely safe.

We will probably
finish in two weeks.

Many brokers are

certain that these
stocks are safe.

Revise the following sentences to achieve

conciseness.
Pursuant to your request,
there are two contracts that
are attached hereto.

As you requested,
two contracts are
attached.

All employees are hereby

informed that as a general rule
computers may not be used for
activities that are personal.

Generally,
employees may not
use computers for
personal activities.

Redundant Words
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What
words could be omitted in these expressions?
advance warning
close proximity
exactly identical
filled to capacity
final outcome

necessary requisite
new beginning
past history
refer back
serious danger

Jargon
Avoid technical terms and special terminology
that readers would not recognize.
Computer jargon
Queue

Alternative language

Export

transfer data from one

program to another

bandwidth

list of documents
waiting to be printed

Internet capacity

Is jargon ever permissible?

Slang
Avoid slang (informal expressions with
arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings).
to bag on
clueless
turkey
chill/chill out

To tease, to nag,
or to complain
Unaware, naiive
Someone stupid
or silly
relax

Slang
An example from the world of Dilbert:

Clichs
Avoid clichs (overused expressions).
Substitute more precise words.
Instead of this

Try this

Last but not least, you

should keep your nose
to the grindstone.

Finally, you should

work diligently.

We had reached the

end of our rope.

We could go no
further.

Revise the following sentence to avoid slang,

clichs, and redundancies.
Ms. Miller, who shoots
straight from the shoulder,
demanded final completion
by January 1.

Ms. Miller, who is

straightforward,
demanded
completion by
January 1.

Precise Verbs
Revise your writing to include precise verbs
instead of general, lackluster, all-purpose ones.
Market researchers said that
sales would improve.
What more precise verbs could replace said?
Market researchers predicted improved sales.

Market researchers forecasted improved sales.

Market researchers promised improved sales.

Please contact their

sales rep today.
What more precise verbs
could replace contact?

Please telephone their sales rep today.

Please fax their sales rep today.
Please e-mailtheir sales rep today.

Buried Verbs
Revise verbs that have been converted to nouns.

Tip

Look
Lookfor
forwords
wordsending
endinginin
tion
tionor
orment.
ment.Could
Couldthey
they
be
bemore
moreefficiently
efficientlyand
and
forcefully
forcefullyconverted
convertedtotoverbs?
verbs?

Instead of this

Try this

The manager came to

the realization that
telecommuting made
sense.
A job seeker must

The manager
realized that the
telecommuting
made sense.

make application
before May 1.

A job seeker must

apply before May
1st.

Instead of this
Once we have the
establishment of a
Web site, our
business will grow.
Please give serious
consideration to a
company intranet.

Try this
Once we establish
a website, our
business will grow.
Please seriously
consider a company
intranet.

Revise the following sentences by using more

precise verbs or by centering the action in a verb.
The seller said he would
contact you.

The seller promised to

e-mail [telephone or fax]
you

We must give encourage- We must encourage

ment to our team.
our team.
Consumers show a
preference for buttered
popcorn.

Consumers prefer
buttered popcorn.

Revise the following sentences centering the

action in the verb.
Please make an
Please assess the
assessment of the home's homes value.
value.

Ann made a suggestion

that we hire Lee.

Ann suggested that we

hire lee.

Concrete Nouns
Revise your writing to include specific, concrete
nouns instead of general, abstract ones.
Instead of this

Try this

The man asked

for a raise.

Jeff Jones asked for a 10

percent salary increase.

An employee
presented a
proposal.

Kelly Keeler, production

manger, presented a plan to
stagger hours.

Vivid Adjectives
Revise your writing to include descriptive,
dynamic adjectives instead of overworked,
all-purpose ones.
Instead of this

Try this

The report was

good.

The report was

persuasive (or detailed,
original, thorough)

The report was

bad.

Possible revisions?

What to Watch for

in Proofreading
Spelling
Grammar
Punctuation
Names and numbers
Format

Proofreading Marks

How to Proofread
Complex Documents

Allow adequate time.

Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.
Be prepared to find errors.
Read once for meaning and once for
grammar/mechanics.
Reduce your reading speed

For documents that must be perfect:

Have someone read aloud the original
while someone else checks the printout.
Spell Names
Spell difficult words.
Spell difficult words.
Note punctuation.