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Anthony Lott
Dr. Jizi
University Writing
9/29/15
Self-Authorship Essay
Who am I? This is a question that is often present in my daily sessions of daydreaming
and concentration. Am I just a random organism that just happens to be floating on this huge
rock in the Universe we call Earth? I always answer this question with an even more
undetermined answer, I am unique, and I am Anthony Lott. A young man defined by those that
have brought me up from my early years. My parents are the biggest influences on my life
therefore I feel it is necessary to include them in my definition of Anthony Lott. A trait created
early on was the trait of anxiety forged from the depths of late first grade. Receiving my final
report card for the year, I would receive my first failure in the subject of reading. The fact of
receiving an F wasnt as scaring as my parents reaction. Their look of disappointment and
anger haunts me even as I write this essay. Seeing the ones you love suddenly become disgusted
with you is a heart dropping experience. I thought we raised you better than that, was a
common phrase blasted by my mother. I promised myself from that moment on I would never let
my parents down again in terms of grades received. This destructive trait of the anxiety of failing
would slowly morph throughout my early years of school into a positive and progressive value. I
turn my anxiety of failure into a value of having the will to learn and obtain knowledge. First
results of this were noticed in fifth grade with me obtaining all As for every report card in
every subject. I had a competitive nature about my will to learn which had its positives and

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negatives. While I was excelling in school I still had an overlying anxiety that transformed its
self into full blow depression that wouldnt surface from the depth to the outside world.
Fear, regret, and loneliness lead to my depression as a young man in middle school. Still
excelling in school and showing a smile to the world, but holding in the dark side behind that
innocent grin. My life was engulfed in fear of failure, swallowing me whole like a whale eating
shrimp, slowly surrounding them in darkness. I had little to no social life, no hobbies or interests,
and no one to talk to. I was afraid my family would be further disappointed at my unhappiness as
a child because they gave me anything I wanted. Being an only child in an upper class family, I
was relatively spoiled rotten. This slowly made me come to the understanding that money cannot
in fact buy you happiness. I couldnt buy any friends that I wanted and I couldnt buy any
confidence in myself; I was a lost individual. I was that random person on planet Earth floating
with no apparent reason to live. This mentality would taunt me for the following years until the
years of change, high school.
Freshman year would be the year I found myself as an individual. Like a lost captain
finds land by the light of a lighthouse, high school would be my guiding light. I would become
more involved in sports during my beginning year in this uncharted territory. I take on the sport
of football which I turned out to perform well in. 248 pounds of pure muscle, I would pound my
way into a starting position on the JV team, later to be moved up to varsity. Being the only
freshman to and a spot on a varsity position not only boosted my confidence, but my idea that I
had a purpose. With my confidence at an all-time high, I finally understood that I have a better
trait than being knowledgeable, I was athletic. There was one piece of the cake missing, I still did
not have a social life. One might expect that I would connect with at least a few of my
teammates; the truth was I couldnt make friends with any of them. They all seemed to have a

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dark and judging side to them in which I feared. The locker room was full of gossip and guess
who did this talk. I was afraid that if I couldnt connect to them in a positive manner, I would be
the subject of their gossip. Along with gossip was pure bullying and harm. One of the JV football
players had said a smart remark to one of the seniors on the practice field. Later that day he was
found shoved in a locker with two black eyes. How could I make friends with these people that
acted like horrific barbarians? I would resign from participating in football the following years. I
was back to square one, lost, alone, and still worried about school for it was the only thing I was
good at.
I still had a will, a will to not live a life in which I would only live for good grades. I was
on the search, the search for a companion to share my life with. I was tired of living alone and
having no social life. It was time to find a women, someone to live for, someone to call yours,
just someone. Then, I found that someone, changing my life forever and combining every
element that makes me the individual I am. Her name was Katie, smart, sophisticated, and
extremely genuine. She was just like me as a person almost having the same traits in terms of
anxiety and values. Every time I saw her fuzzy, distant figure in the hall, my eyes would light up
like a star destroying itself in a super nova. She was my north star guiding me and slowly
building me through my final years in high school. Friends seemed to come easy all of a sudden.
Its as if as soon as you obtain a girlfriend every guy runs to find your secret. My confidence and
pleasure in myself began to build. I was somebody with a purpose again, that purpose being to
love and protect Katie. People became attracted to my happiness. Soon I had more friends than I
could count on my hand. I became so popular that I landed myself in the position as
Homecoming King accompanied by my second half. This was the highlight of my school year. I

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finally wasnt that nerdy nobody, I was a geeky somebody with a will to love and be loved, a trait
given to me through Penn states self-value survey.
Katie affected me positively in other aspects as well. I would often spend time with her
family, a middle class family far different than my upper class heritage. I took notice of her
parents, they were happyvery happy. I had never thought that such a happiness was achievable
from such a family. I looked at my parents, they had everything anyone would ever want, a lake
house, a boat, and a few nice cars. They had everything except what Katies parents had,
happiness. My prior belief was that having a great deal of knowledge would later land me in a
well-paying job then eventually lead to much happiness. The reality was meet that this belief was
not true. I remember back to how I was brought up with everything and wasnt happy and now I
see it performed through my very eyes. So why werent they happy when compared to Katies
parents Michael and Becky? I asked myself this question many times and concluded that Katies
parents had love. Love, the same thing that allowed me to break free and find myself was
nonexistent in my parents.
My parents had a disintegrating relationship that was only put in place for me. My mom
often told me that she was only with my father because of me. My father would restate the same
reasoning my mom would say creating an underlying tension with me in the middle. Its as if
they were holding me by each limb and slowly stretching me apart. My parents were the
example of the family that could have been, the family that shouldve been. I concluded from my
family and my experiences with Katie that love is happiness and without love I have no reason or
purpose to fulfill.
After writing such an essay I seemed to actually figure out the path that has brought me
to this belief that love is the key to happiness. I was given the characteristic of a person who

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loves and is loved by others according to Penn States survey. At first I dismissed such a value
given to me, but as I discovered past experiences and influences I uncovered the truth that I am
in fact a person that values love and affection. I never thought that writing such an article would
spark such connections to past experiences and values. I even recommended that my girlfriend
partake in jotting things of similar nature that impacted her and created her core value. It truly
was a learning experience, for I can now relate my life to one simple core value that can be later
applied to my social and academic life.